2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Bears Guide To Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 171

Episode Date: February 6, 2023

SPONSORS:- Protect your family today with Fabric by Gerber Life. Apply today in just 10 minutes at https://meetfabric.com/BEARS.Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer unite for another episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave! The bears talk about how Tom tried surfing, Bert embarrassing Tom in front of Tony Hawk, and embracing doing activities while touring. They discuss people that eat bad food while unhealthy, Testosterone replacement therapy, and how every dude should be getting their clothes tailored. They try to figure out how to make their fans live forever, where they would disappear after they retire from standup comedy, and talk about being really into cars. https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://www.bertbertbert.com/tourhttps://store.ymhstudios.com/

Wait, what is Campari? It is a la Cour. And Spritz is just... Spritz is the soda water. It's kind of refreshing. It's not that alcoholic. It's kind of... It's good poolside drink. It's a great poolside drink.

I know what's happening in Oslo! Ha! 100% Yeah, I use SPF 50, but I was still able to get a lot of color. Oh, wow. Wow. Hey, guys, it's a new two bears with the two ratus surfers over 50. You know, can I tell you?

Yeah. You, I'm really impressed by your surfing. Are you being serious? I'm being dead serious because you have no idea how many times I tried to surf and could not, and it took me, I had to really focus. I was really impressed by your surfing. And that is why I forced Tony Hawk to see if you were the coolest surfer in town.

That's such a dick. You're such a dick. You're the thing. Oh, it's so fucking great. You know, he's the thing, I gotta say, this is when you know your friends, you know how much I would not want you to do that. Yes, oh yes. And that's why we're friends,

because you know that is fucking so embarrassing. Oh Tom, there's so much more to it that you haven't seen. There's so, the best fucking dude it it is I'm the only one that laughed I did two things I did that I did another thing and it was so bad that in the middle Halston was like hold on Do you know that's the exact opposite? I went are you being fucking serious right now? And he goes oh it's a joke. I sold it so fucking good.

I sold it so fucking good. I sold it so good. And then I called you a settler because you had the indigenous people carry your surfboard to the beach for you. I go, he's like, James Cook, look at him. I will take my surfboard up here, please. It was such an awesome experience.

It's something I'll say this. I was talking to somebody about this. It's something that I would not have done two years ago. I don't mean because my body was broken in half. I mean, emotionally, I was a different person. And I was the type of person that you would have said, there. Yeah, I, I was the type of person that you would have said, do you want to take a surf lesson today? I've been like, no, let's just stay at the hotel. Yeah. And be like, what do you want to do? I'd be like, well, let's just hang out the hotel's great. Let's just hang out the pool. What we've been doing. Yeah. And like, we did that. Yeah, I know, but I don't, that we got to go down there. And I, what if it sucks? And you know, what, like, what if all,

and what if it sucks? And you know, what if all, what if this isn't, whatever, a good time, and like I've tried to change, I have changed that a lot in the last couple of years, like where I, one of the big things is I just try to embrace new experiences, you know, like I try to do them. And I actually asked, asked to do this before I went, I was asked like, is there anything you want set up in Hawaii and I was like, I would like to take

a surf lesson. And it's so cool. It was the fucking coolest thing. I have a new appreciation for that whole world, culture, thrill. When you hear people go like, a whole life where people go, there's nothing like catching a wave, or you see people who their life is just devoted to it.

I mean, I'm not gonna be that person, but once you do this, it changes your perspective on that whole world, you know? I'm obsessed with it. And I'm obsessed with it. Like I surfed as a kid, but never good, but I appreciate the feel of the ocean in the morning. I mean, there's something that really is cleansing.

I mean, I've been to the beach and gone, and I think the ocean's an amazing thing. It's an amazing place, and there's things about the beach and being in ocean water that is unlike anything else. But I got linked up with this dude, Anthony. Shout out to Anthony. Are you, you were in Waikiki? No, I was in, I was staying in Colina and in, you know, on Island of Wahoo and, and,

yeah. This place was like 20 minutes away. Where did you go? Where did you surf? Eisenhower Beach. I don't know. So I get linked, I told them I want to do this, they go, okay, so I get picked up, dropped off at this beach,

and there's like, you know, it's a real legit Hawaiian beach, meaning like there's families that are cooking out, like, setting up for the day, and there's this tent, and I walk over, and this dude right away was like What's up, man? Like you ready to do this like it really like Big personality a lot of fun and there was a few other people everybody gets their own individual person Right away a few other people as in you don't people you don't know yeah, oh wow But they each had everybody. It's a signed and instructor. everybody is assigned an instructor. An instructor, yeah.

So like, I was, you know, I've never done this. The, like the prep of like, here's how to surf is like three minutes. It is, it is. It's like, he's like, here's the board. You're gonna paddle like this. You're gonna push up, knees up, one leg, other, and then you're surfing.

All right, let's go surf. Like, it was basically that. Yeah. So, but I have Tony, right? Everybody has their own person. And we were paddling out. And like, he right away, he was like, you know, this is my, he's like, I'm not just a surf instructor.

He's like, none of us are. And I was like, what do you mean? Will you fucking chiropractor? He was like, I've never known this. No, he's like, he's like, I'm an embasseter of Hawaiian culture. He's like, surfing is our shit. This is Hawaiian. This is not just like, hey, this is a fun activity.

This is in our souls. And so I connected with, I was like, that's awesome. I like this dude. We started just connected with that. I was like, that's awesome. I like this dude. Yeah, we started just talking about that and and and you know, I get up or or he you know, we I'm going over what to do. So the first wave that he puts me on You know, they're the kind he's like paddle go whatever I get up for like a second and fall But I'm already thinking like I oh, I'm gonna get this. Like I go out a second time, it's a little better.

Third time, my board is just aiming for a woman who is on a board facing the other way. And as I get closer to her, I go, I'm gonna kill this woman and I just keep my mouth shut. I'm just like, well, I'm just gonna watch this happen. And I don't know how I didn't. And then I told him he was like, yeah, I shouldn't have. And then, and then I realized something to myself. So I have an hour out there of, of, of with him, right? Yeah. I realized that our instinct as amateurs as like trying something,

is to do it fast. And I realized that the only way I feel like that I'm gonna get this in this hour is to just do it, but just fight the instinct to try to be fast and do it slowly. And so, that is the most brilliant thing that I've realized but never vocalized, because I had that problem

is every time I took surf lessons, I just wanted to get it, I wanted to start doing it and getting it going. And then I didn't want to listen to there, like they would say stuff like push up, lean back. Yeah, yeah, lean back, and I didn't, I was just like, no, I just got to stand up.

I just, I don't know why, because I feel like it's one of those things that happens when you age too, and this might be a really dumb thing, but maybe this makes sense to you, where 10 years ago, if I was holding three things in my hand, and I was like, now open this door, like in other words, open the door, I would go, you should put something down, it would make it easier, but I would be like, no. And then I would open the door and drop things. And now at my age, I go, put something down.

And I put it down, right? You know what I go? See, and that's why nothing spilled, and you didn't drop it, and then I opened the door. And it's the same thought in my head. I was like, you're not gonna pop up as fast as a guy who's been surfing 30 years. Like just go fucking slow.

And the, that next one I caught the wave, the second one, and then my last, everybody had gone in. And he's like, Tony's like, you're doing one more dude. He's like, you got it now, so you're doing one more. And that one I actually rode all the way in and turned a little bit. And it was like, it was the best feeling. It was the most incredible feeling.

It's a crazy, it's so hard to explain to someone who's never done it, but there is a weird connection you get with the planet. And the planet is moving you based on the moon. And then you're sliding on water, and perspective wise, what you're seeing is a different, whenever you're in the water, you're always like looking up. It's like at the bottom of a mountain and looking up.

Once you stand up on that wave, you're at the top of the mountain and you're choosing to go down and around it. You can't believe you're riding a wave. It's so fucking cool. And it's so exhausting. It is like, dude, check out Nathan. I'm seeing if you can find Nathan Florence, his whoop numbers. Nathan, so I got, I, check out Nathan's, he's giving a fine Nathan Florence his whoop numbers.

So I got, I got really into it. I'm always been into it, but I got really into it. And I, and I said to myself, I'm gonna learn. I'm gonna learn images, images. Nathan Florence's whoop numbers are through the fucking roof. They are through. Take a look at that to the left. That's John John Florence. By the way, his brother, he serves also.

He is a professional surfer. Look at this fuck, first of all, his recovery is 95. But in Christ, go into that. Let's see what that says there. Maximum heart rate, 170 miles. So he's out there for two hours and 45 minutes. Yes, average heart rate, 134. Jesus, and he's 16, 100 calories.

Yeah. And by the way, those dips are him sitting waiting for the next wave. It's like, it is the coolest thing, and I'll be honest, I would love to do it more. You know, I would love to do it more. You know, like I would love to do it more. Can I tell you, can I tell you my soft pitch? Yeah.

And I've pitched this before. For sure, I have a bunch of pitches, but this is my soft pitch. Yeah. As two dudes who create content, I think number one thing we do, we fund a surf trip. We fund a surf trip with pro surfers, right?

Yeah. And we go to a, because here's how surfing works for these guys. Yeah. And they're do these guys are fucking hilarious. When you talk about not knowing what woke culture is, they are oblivious. They spend their time in the middle of the ocean. In the ocean, yeah.

In the ocean, they don't talk, they're not online. They're fucking the funniest, do you say? When you say find a surf trip, do you mean fund? Hear me out. Okay. So the way like John John is a little different, but like I'll do co-arothman and Nathan Florence, who I've had on my podcast, they're fucking hilarious.

They party, they're fun, they're in great shape. Well, the way their business model works is, they follow the tides and all of a sudden they're like, yo, there's a place like that. I'm going to fuck the name of it. It's called Chappu or something. It's like the biggest thickest wave in the world. They find out it's going off.

Their whole thing is they pay out a pocket to fly there to shoot content to hopefully put it on YouTube to make money. So, but they fly at the drop of the hat. Now, I think with my brain, we could really make some fucking crazy content. Me and you, we do a two bears on the road at a surf spot. We get a couple surfers, right? We get up, we make, we turn it into a guy's weekend. We fly them from Hawaii to meet up with us in Tahiti. We do, first of all, we're doing the two bears when we get there. Now the other thing you don't know, all the biggest surfers in the world has just showed up. Fucking layered Hamilton's

there because it's going off. All of a sudden it's like every one of the greatest surfers shows up in this one spot because this breaks going off. We go over, we do a two bears, do a two bears log, do a two bears, do a couple two bears, but we're filming content and we get the best surfers to take off surfing when the swell blows down. And then we go and surf great fucking things and you get, and we're sitting on a boat.

You ever seen a boat? Type in, it's T-E-A-H-O-U-P-O-G. Did you just have like a spoonful of sugar or something? No, I've been thinking about this. There it is, type in. Type in. Jesus. By the way, by the way, the other thing that happens is like, I didn't realize that at the time, look at that. We get on one of those boats right there. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Watch these dudes surf. Watch these dudes surf and comment on it. Dude, look at these. We get on one of these fucking boats. We rent one of those boats. We take like three pro surfers, fun dudes at party, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We bring them down and we do, we'll do a live two bears. We'll, we'll, and then by the way, there's also breaks on this island where we can go surf for me and you. Oh, I know.

And then, and then we have, I'm telling you, man, it's, I, it's something that will keep you healthy for the rest of your life. I tell you, well, and then by the way, impact wise, I mean, these dudes get fucked up and they surf these waves. Yeah. But impact wise, me and you stand on paddle boards

outside watching this break, dude, you'll be fucking so much fun. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't.

I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't.

I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. like it when you're doing it. You're like, where's this like a 25 foot wave? Like you don't realize it. And then you see this kind of shit. And it actually is like incomprehensible. The fact that they're doing this and alive to tell you about it. I think the thing I would like to experience is the, I can only assume it's a religious moment The thing I would like to experience is the,

I can only assume it's a religious moment when you see a wave that is roughly seven tons break in front of you and just go, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Like it's, oh, and I got jumping all over here. Please. But, so Tony, who I love, ambassador of Hawaii, right? By the way, I would argue if you're ever thinking

about anything surfing getting one of these dudes. Oh, they're the best. Because they really, like they do stuff to you that you go that make you feel like a fucking child. Like my guy that was taught me to surf would see me and then he'd paddle over to me and put his toes on the front of my board and drag me out. I think this is the company that is just,

if you're going to Oahu is Let's surf. I think that's what it's called. Hawaii. Hey wait, but we're out there. Is he married? Yes, yes, Anthony is, yeah. Who's he married to? I think I met his wife.

She's a surf champion. I think I met his wife. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. When I was out there, we did Jamie O'Brien's surf campaign turtle back. This dude is a former, his wife was one the Japan open. She came to third in the world championships. Everybody, all the instructors were like super, super legit. All surfers are cool as fuck. They are fucking cool. So while we're surfing, he's just,

you know, like I said, making, tell me a lot about like Hawaiian history and like the importance of surfing. Then he goes, you know who the goat is, right? And I just go Kelly. And he goes, that's the goat. He goes from cocoa beach floor, he goes, but we love that shit because he spread the, like the, our culture further, like maybe what is ours, even worldwide, he goes, that's the goat, that's the goat. Later on, I post these photos, Kelly Slater hits me up and goes,

and publicly, he goes, don't leave, I'm coming, let's go out. And I told him, I'll abandon my family to do that. And he's like, and then I was like, now I have to go because fucking stupid kids, Kelly Slater has the fucking life. It actually seems like a movie. It seems like a movie.

Like when you think about the fact, do you realize that he is Kelly Slater? Let's break down Kelly Slater. Kelly Slater is, I'll say the one thing last, but the youngest world champion ever, the oldest world champion ever, the oldest world champion ever, the most championship ever. His life is this thing that people do recreationally.

He is mastered to the point where he's the most competitive and best at it. He travels the world to the most beautiful places pursuing the best waves. He's this chill, really good looking, seemingly very down to earth, dude. Doesn't do drugs, doesn't do like, like doesn't, isn't like lost in partying, why still a bunch of dudes? Here's what I love about Kale Slater. First of all, have you seen his house in Australia? No. Type in Kelly, by the way, type in Kelly Slater's house in Australia. It's Falking, Sack.

Well, I think that's where the most in Australia, Hawaii, Tahiti. I mean, he's going to like the fucking ratist places. Kelly Slater's house in Australia is fucking awesome. Good luck. Yeah, that's, that's that. Well, even without an adob in there, they're bad, huh? Yeah, they struggle. This is what I love about Kelly Slater,

is he's got a little bit of the Michael Jordan thing in him, is that he's competitive as fuck. For sure. Is that like, is that like, is that like, is that the best? Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's the goat. You're the best in the world at something you're competitive. It's funny listening to these guys talk about Kelly Slater

and talk about like, I don't know how I got, I found Nathan through YouTube randomly. Yeah. And I knew, and I ended up doing a podcast with him and you talk about like they've known Kelly Slater since they were like fucking eight years old. Like they've known him to be on,

and the progression of these kids of kids surfing, like pipeline like they just had the pipeline masters and They the progression of kids surfing is like I was like so we you just paddle on the pipeline and they're like oh no No, no, no we used to surf the first break and then we surf the outsides and then one day They're like you can come inside like it's really the hierarchy is fucking fast. I was fascinated about this I didn't know that for like these really crazy, crazy waves, that you go like, who the hell the fuck do you do this?

That you, there's usually two jet skis involved. Two, one to pull the surfer out and one to watch out for the other guy on the jet ski. Like that's, and I was like, how do you do that? He goes, he goes, well, I'll be honest with you. I don't do it anymore. He goes, we wanna play with death, but we wanna win, you know what I was like, well, I'll be honest with you, I don't do it anymore. He goes, we want to play with death, but we want to win. And I was like, okay.

So do you think this is something you could do recreationally? Surf? Yeah. I mean, it's obviously if I was living in LA, it becomes a much more, it's access is a big thing, like being able to just go there. But I live in LA and I have a beach house and I don't go to the beach. Yeah, I mean, I would, here's the thing. It's something you'd have to make a point to do.

Make a point to do. I would definitely, like if I was going to Hawaii again, I would sign up for another lesson immediately because it was that much fun. I would like to, we should do, we should plan a surf trip. We should plan a surf trip. Yeah. And it'll be, I mean, when, I'm, you know I'd get my next day off is April 19th.

That's my next fucking day off. It's your next day off. My next day off is April 19th. Just from touring. Just touring. And then everything else going on. I'm booked every time. Every movie and the fucking promotion for the movie. My special, like everything. I'm trying to, I'm trying to juggle everything right now. That's why I'm not drinking as much because I'm literally, and I'm one to right now. I want to. My brain does the thing where it fires and goes, oh, this is a fun time. Let's have a drink. Do you have a drink on the flight? I drink on the flight.

I was, I may have a compari spritz. It's been my drink that I can have because it's a little bit of champagne, a little bit of compari. And it relaxes me, but I don't get hammered. I can have like fucking two of them. Smoky little. Keef, kaka keef with big J. Oh, kursin.

What if we, here's what I said. Here's what I said. The thing that also we gotta say is just that how fucking magical Hawaii is. It is the fucking, it is. It's my favorite place in the world. It is amazing. And I know there's people watching being like,

I'm poor. Look. You can get some. I love that you've called the people that hate you, the poor skinnies or the poor fatties. What would you, what would you, what would you, what would you, what would you, what would you, what the fat pours?

That's it, the fat pours. And by the way, I love fat pours. Yeah. I know. A little bit of soda is a fat pour for me. Oh, no, no. No. No, what I'm trying to say is that there are places

that like, you know, you sit around and you go like, where, if you haven't traveled much, you go where do you want to go? Man, like, it is a beautiful place, the culture, the people, like, if you're trying to plan a dream trip, I just, I'm just saying, I fully have to endorse just any of the culture, the people, like if you're trying to plan a dream trip, I just, I'm just saying, I fully have to endorse just any of any of the islands, the big island, Oahu, Lani, Kui Maui, they're all fucking, they're amazing. It's an awesome place. Hawaii is the beautiful thing about Hawaii is that it, that, they're business, their income is based on tourism. So that they understand.

And they're so, like, you're with people who are so gracious, they're always like, thank you for coming. You're keep us, you know. I love that Aloha means hello and goodbye, and that's kind of the thing in Hawaii. They're like, hey, but don't stay too long, no the fucker. But it's you fucking howley piece of shit.

Yeah. The I love, I love, I love everything about Hawaii. I've never had a bad time in Hawaii, and it's such a great place to go, and you're right. If you have vacation time, and you're gonna save up money, fucking Hawaii, that's what I'm saying. I'm saying livers. Every fucking time, I'm like, all of the and the all the Share points do There God damn it and that would be fucking that's the fucking trip my goal is to do

Surf trip with you disc golf tournament in Hawaii that would be fucking that would be big disc golf tournament big surf I still get tagged From people all the time because they know like like I think if they can't reach you, they're trying to reach me to see if I'll get it to you. That's funny, I get the same from you. And they're like, hey, tell Bert, man, just, are you seeing this? Tell Bert, I wanna go disc golfing with him.

And I'm like, okay. You think I'm gonna send him this? I'll tell you what's so funny is people hit me up and go, hey man, I got stuff for you and Tom. And if it's something I want I go send it to me I'll bring it to him like big cat big cats got a coffee company. Yeah, I know I don't know if I'm allowed to say this or not I

I don't know if he's announced it or what big cat hit me up and he's like hey man I'm starting a coffee company. I'd love to send you in Thompson product and I was like send it to me. I'll bring it to him I love coffee. I actually get into coffee business. No shit, no shit, we need to do a surf trip. And we need to get Kelly Slater to go with us. Sure. I wonder if he'd, I wonder, I bet he'd do one of these things. Kelly Slater would be named the most random place

and then he's like, oh, I have a house there. He probably does. Yeah, he does. I heard I wanna go to his surf camp, like his surf indoor surfing. Camp? So, hear me out. I'm hearing you.

So I said to Tony Hawk, when I said, Tom wants to know if you think he's a rad dude. Please, wait, set up what you did with Tony Hawk. So it was all like, because just so people know, I had gone surfing. I posted it. I was very excited about it. A couple of days later, I talked to Bert and he goes, I'm with Tony Hawk. And yes, I, yes, I showed him. And I'm like, huh? He goes, I know you wanted me to show him you surf things to see if you look cool.

And I'm like, what are you talking about? And then I hear Tony in the background. He's like, yeah, good job, man. I'm like, what? I was like, oh, you motherfucker. I said, I said, so Tom has been howling me. Hounding you. I go, and so he wants me to show you a surfing video

and ask you if you think he looks cool surfing. And Tony is, and the best thing about Tony is he's he you know, he gets comedy, but he also is a regular person. Yeah. So like he like, and he's also the great escape order in the world for ever. Yeah. So there's a part of it where he's trying to be genuine. He's like, yeah, I'll watch it. And that's when I start giggling to myself. And I go, all right, play the clip. And so we play it. And then he's like, yeah, well, he's, yeah, he can kind of, he's getting up.

He doesn't, I mean, that's not the, that's good. He's doing really good. And I go, okay, well, he's, he just wants to make sure you look cool. And then I go, and then there's the best part, I'm gonna think you noticed it. You start walking into the camera. And Tony, I guess whatever Hawaiian dude

is carrying your board up for you. And it just looks like James Cook is storming the island of Hawaii for the first time going, someone bring my canoe up. I'm gonna go take over the indigenous people. And Tony goes, yeah, that's not a good look. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. And then I said, there's a surf,

there's a wave pool in Waco. That's not far. It's not far and you can rent it out for the day. And you get there the night before they have hotels there. So you stay at the wave pool. This we should do. And you wake up there and you go surfing there. This we should do.

All right, and we're bringing, and I'll tell you what, we'll fly out Nathan and we'll see if we get some surfers come out there for us. Okay. And so we get some pro surfers out there to give us some tips. I love the pitch of hitting up pro surfers and going like Do you guys want to do a surf trip and they're like fuck yeah, we're like cool come to wake out Texas

Fucking Jamie O'Brien, I think went to this. It's pretty good. It's a different wave than Kelly Slater's Kelly Slater has created the perfect wave But the price point on getting that pool for the day I don't think it's out of me. I think it's out of Kelly's control. Because the waves come. I think Kelly is the name of it. I think he created it by I think investors. Isn't there the one that the Waco one's an indoor thing, right?

Outdoor. Oh, it's an indoor one in New Jersey. I think the Andrew Shilks. Okay, because I know there's indoor ones. So the outdoor thing I'm fascinated by, because the outdoor one has a real body of water that has a some type of machine outdoors that's creating the wave. That's wild.

Yeah, there's one in Australia where it's a big bell and it just goes, and it's, it creates a wave of a circle. Kelly Slater's wave only comes every five minutes. So if you miss it, you gotta wait five minutes for the next fucking wave. So we don't want that one. Okay.

Cause we're gonna miss fucking waves. Of course. Yeah, we want the Waco one. We need to do a Waco surf trip. I'm calling Nathan Florence right now, see if he's in. Let's wait, let's wait. Okay, let's not. All right.

The, I'm telling you man, I think it's the coolest thing. When I saw you do that, I was like, more people need to do, not just that. I agree. But do stuff that's out of their comfort zone. It's about out of your comfort zone, but I think this is like, like I was trying to say over the last couple of years, it's not just out of the comfort zone. It's actually just saying like, let's just do something. In other words, you know, like, I feel like I lived

in this, in this like mindset, in this space for so many years. And part of it was just being a road dog, like just being a road guy grinding out weeks, like you did to, we still do, but I'm saying when you're just coming up through that club system, where it's such a grind, meaning that, you're not just working all the time,

but you're just, you know, it's flight, get up for press, you gotta get something to eat, go back to the room, go do the shows, do the thing, next day, flight, press, and then when somebody goes, do you wanna like try something? I embrace an idea of no.

I don't wanna try anything. I don't wanna go see anything and I don't wanna go do anything. Because you know how long it's gonna take somebody to go get the car and then grab you and then you gotta drive there to do it and then you're gonna be waiting and then all that time you could be taking

a nap getting ready for your show. Yeah, so you just, and then all of a sudden you go like man, a decade went by of somebody going, you wanna take a surf lesson? I was like, fuck no, I want to take a surf lesson. You know what? I've changed during COVID when we did the, when we did hot summer nights tour.

I changed in that I started, we started to do activities during the day and I started to embrace activities and look at it as like, what can I do? Like, and then like we're, when we're going, I'm going going to Tampa in February 17th. And the night before I already set up, I was like, there's stuff I wanted to do in Tampa that day because I'm coming home.

So I want to take patting practice with Jesuit. I want to take, oh, there's stuff I want to do. So I'm like, I started doing this thing with Rom, or I'm like, yo, leave it midnight. As soon as we get off stage, let's bail. And let's get there early in the morning and let's not drink too much So we can wake up early and do shit there like fucking I I'm looking at it. We're going we land I leave for Oslo tomorrow tomorrow I leave for Oslo tomorrow. Holy shit. Yeah, I know. This is why we had the problem with doing podcast tomorrow It's my flight to three tomorrow to get to Oslo in time for my show. But the first thing I'm doing is a sauna on a boat out in a

fjord in ice filled fjord. sauna polar plunge into the fucking fjord. That's fucking rad. Right. And it's fucking typing sauna on a boat Oslo. It's fucking and I go, I can get up for that. And the thing I'm trying to change my brain a little bit, but and I can That's it floating sauna Just do images Look at that. No, that was it. That was actually it But you go at yeah, but it's yeah, so you go sauna into a floating

Body of like freezing water. And then you get back out and go back in the sun. I think that's all, that's fucking cool, man. Yeah, right. So here's what I'm trying to do, Tom, and I'm not good at it, but like my drinking has got back substantially because I'm trying to plan shit in the morning that make me responsible for myself in the morning.

Good. So like I go, because I don't wanna stop fucking partying, but I do wanna stop stupid partying. Like I don't wanna, like last time it was perfect. I landed and I was like, this seems like such the eternal struggle for you.

I know, cause I get excited right now and I wanna drink. Yeah. And excited and I go, it's, but it's, I think it's almost like fucking, I feel like I used to have a,

you know, a similar type of thing of Like extravagant meals Where if I go like I go if you go you know you said I feel excited Let's have a drink. I would be like This is good. Let's go plant. Let's go to like a place where you can just indulge in the most food ever. Oh yeah.

And I don't know, I just don't want to do that. I was talking to Tony Hawk about that. His dad, his dad was gaining weight. He had already had two heart attacks, I think, before Tony was born. And he was saying, and I apologize if I'm mischaring the story, like not saying it right. But they pulled his dad aside and had an intervention.

I hope I'm not fucking the story up. So I don't want to sound like Tony said something different. You'll hear it on the podcast and they were like, you need to start eating better. And his dad's like, I would rather die young and eat the way I'm eating and really enjoy life. And he died when he was 57. But I was like, so fucking interesting because because here's the thing, it makes me so crazy. It makes me crazy because it makes me me like it wasn't the same thing, but it made me crazy with my dad

Really? Yeah, like I remember like more than 10 years ago I worked the Palm Beach improv and I was opening. I was the feature act. Yeah, and he'd come and and I was opening, I was the feature act. Yeah. And he'd come and I remember he was like, I saw him, he was over, he was overweight, not crazy, you know, but like, I was like, he was breathing hard and I was like,

I don't know, I just kind of noticed it. And I found out later, my mom said that they went home the next day. I think they spent the night in Palm Beach maybe. They went home and they stopped it. She made him stop at the hospital at the next day. I think they spent the night in Palm Beach maybe. They went home and they stopped it. She made him stop at the hospital at the emergency room. Really? Yeah.

And he had a 98% clogged artery and they did an emergency stint. But at the time, because I think you mentioned your dad got a stint. Yeah, he just did. At the time, I was like, you know, I didn't understand what was happening. I was like, and they're like, no, he has like the widow maker.

That's my dad, that's where my dad's blockage was. So, how to go, you know, when he finally got out, I was like, that must feel crazy to be the person, to be like, I had a 98% clogged artery, this at any moment, a week later, it could have been too late. Yeah. And by just the marvel of science and the sheer luck of going at that time, they put an instant. And then like, I was like, man, you know, you start to like,

you get kind of emotional. And then you're like, I'm so glad you're alive. And I'm, I don't know, a week later, the anxiety had dissipated because I knew he was all right. And I'm like, we used to talk all the time. So I just called him and I was like, what's up, like what are you doing? He was like, I'm just, I was like, what are you eating? And he was like, Egg McMuffin.

And I was like, you just had a fucking emergency stint and you're eating an egg McMuffin. He was like, it's an egg McMuffin, it's like egg. I'm like, but like, doesn't that experience make you go, maybe no more McDonald's? Yeah. And it was like, no.

I was like, okay. It's hard because, you know what, before I went on blood pressure medicine,, before I went on blood pressure medicine, the second I got on blood pressure medicine, I started gaining weight. Because all of a sudden I was like, oh, I got a parachute. I got a parachute.

I got it. I remember my, and then that was this, my, but no, granted, if you don't go on the blood pressure medicine, you could have a stroke. If you don't go on the, like, Dana Carvey talked about this, there's so many ways to prevent heart disease these days.

It's almost like, it's almost like how the fuck does, if you just go to a cardiologist and you get on blood pressure medicine, you get on statins, you monitor your levels because they can be too high, you can be on too much shit. And so you gotta watch everything. It is the weird thing, we're like,

I have to, this last doctor's visit, I had to cognizantly look at my numbers and go, I need to take corrective behavior, or I will be the guy that can't do shit at 67. You know, like, I need to do that, because I'm not so many fucking medications, and I eat so shitty that if I don't lose weight I will just have a fatty liver for the rest of my fucking life. Yeah, so that's what I'm trying to I'm trying to be conscious of it and Plan activities and with food. I'm trying to go. I've had all my great meals

Let's just work on eating some lean proteins and some greens get my fucking cholesterol down get my My cholesterol is fucking 90 so it's not my else not not that bad I think we just all want to just form habits, you know, you realize it the bad like Bad eating is actually a habit just like and you can make it that where it's good eating Dude else, I just remember this too But I get both sides of this now, now that I think about it, when my dad had cancer,

and he's like, you know, you're trying to beat cancer. So you're chemo, and you meet with oncologists, and I would go to some, I went to some of these meetings, and they're like, you know, you try to like live a health, like be as healthy as you can,

you're trying to beat this horrible disease. And then we would be like, leave and he'd be like, let's go get barbecue, I'm like barbecue. And sometimes I'd be hanging out with him. I'm like, I'd one time I wrote up a diet plan for him and he did it for like, I don't know, a couple days. And then I'm like, why don't you, like, why don't you just want to eat like this healthy

stuff? And he's like, all I do is go to doctor's appointments. You got to have a doctor yesterday, doctor today. I do doctor thing. They do blood work tomorrow. The next day I do chemo. So the only thing I enjoy is eating what I want to eat. Yeah.

And at that point, what do you say to somebody? You're like, okay, I'm like, all right. I get it. My grandmother was dying of heart failure. And they were like, she's really skinny. We need to get her something. And I said, why don't we go, why don't we go grab McDonald's? And I remember my aunt or my dad was like, buddy, it's heart failure. You're not going to get a McDonald's. She's kind of heart failure. And I went, you know, she needs food in her. Like, who doesn't

like a fucking milkshake? And if you need calories, no lie, no lie. And I could be misremembering the story. We got her a milkshake from McDonald's. She had a milkshake, she ended up living five more years. Like just, like, it was a lot of what it was, was this old mindset. I think my grandmother had this old mindset of skinny as healthy.

And what was happening was it was fucking destroying her body. And she needed calories to get by. She ended up dying of heart failure five years later, but she did last another five fucking years. How was she? Was she died 80 something? Oh, in the 80s. Yeah, she was in the 80s, but, but here's the other thing.

Your dad's not wrong. Your dad said something to you. I thought I was part of a Tony Hawk that I can't ever not wrong. Your dad said something to you. I said I was part of a Tony Hawk that I can't ever not remember. And that is life goes on. Yeah, life goes on, things will move forward and we're all gonna die. And if you're not gonna enjoy the time here,

nothing's guaranteed. I went to the cardiologist on Tuesday, Thursday. I meet with him, we talk healthier lifestyle, you have to lose weight. It was one thing, I talked to you about our car. I'll share everything, but the conversation was, I need to get on, he said to me, you're testing your testosterone, I think it's low,

you need to get on TRT, testosterone replacement therapy. Get it into a regular level, and not only aid, is it repair your fatty liver? Like just being overweight, the number one thing is most of us have fucking fatty liver. It's just fucking the disgusting diet suite, sugars, alcohol for me, but it's just, it goes, it will repair that and it'll get you to start losing weight. It'll jumpstart your system and start getting you to lose weight. Can I tell you something? Yeah. Because I'm not an expert. I don't want to people.

I don't know. And by the way, yeah, I'm not an expert. I don't want to people. I don't know. And by the way, yeah, I'm not an expert. I'm not an expert. Yeah. Every time you talk about something like this, you hear from, this is wrong. I'm an expert in, I think, me. Mm-hmm.

So, like a year ago, I got my levels tested, and they were low, right? And they were like, you just saw my levels. I just share with you. Yeah, yeah. So over the minor, right around the same. Like around that, I think either a little lower or about that. So they're like, you know, you should get on a low dose.

Do you do a cream or do you do the injective? It's injectable. Yeah, because I heard, because I can't tell, I don't want to tell everyone's story. Yeah. Because it's, it sounds silly. It sounds silly because there's a shame in, and because people confuse TRT, which is testosterone replacement therapy, meaning getting your levels back to a natural level, like a healthy, normal, healthy, normal level with doing juice. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So this was like, but anyway, so I get tested, they tell me it's low and they're like,

you're in your 40s, this is normal. You know, you could benefit from this, from X number of reasons or whatever. And I thought, you know, oh cool, this will also like be like a real fitness boost for me too, right? Dude, I, I started taking it and like, I mean, not only did everything like kind of stay the same, I started to gain weight.

So I was, like, if you look at me about a year ago, was that how long you've been doing that? Well, no, it's like maybe nine months, maybe eight or nine months. Okay. Yeah, I'm like 40 pounds heavier. Really? Yeah.

And so I did that, I got off of it. Then I got my levels tested and they obviously they just dip again. Well, here's the point I was trying to make. I got on a lower level the second time, meaning more recently. And not only did I get on a lower level, but I had to, I started eating healthier and working out more rigorously. And that's when I was able to see changes. My point just being that simply taking it, simply taking it isn't the fix.

It's not a magic pill, or at least I should say for me. Rogan said that to me. Taking it, the higher, it was a higher I was thinking, I was thinking, I was thinking, I was thinking, I was thinking, I was thinking, I was thinking, I was thinking, I was thinking, I was thinking, I was thinking, I was thinking, I was thinking, I was thinking,

I was thinking, I was thinking, I was thinking, I was thinking, I was thinking, I was thinking, I was thinking, I was thinking, I was thinking, I was thinking, I was thinking, I was thinking, So you still have to- You gotta do the work. Yeah. You look fantastic. I've said that over. Oh, thanks. I've said, you really are an inspiration

where I started going, what the fuck am I doing with, I mean, like, even today I have not eaten anything. I had bone broth, I had coffee. But like, I'm trying to stay away from carbs. In general, rice, I'll have rice. But like, I'm trying to stay away from like, pastas, press. You know what I think you would benefit from though?

Fucking rehab. Sure. Is like, I know you have a trainer. I'm saying my trainer with me in Europe. You're taking her to Europe? You're taking her to Europe. So we did, I'll tell you what. That's Lacey.

Yeah, Lacey, Lacey Mackie, she's a gangster. She is really a gangster. She, we set up challenges every month. Our challenge last month was five burpees, five push ups, five squats, and every day you add five. And let me tell you, if you miss a day like I did or seven, you get into a hole where your Saturday is spent doing burpees all fucking day.

But once you start doing 100 burpees a day, a few days in a row, all of a sudden your body, like my body squats, dude squats, I'm doing, I could do, and any day I do about 200 and twerks, I'm such in the hole with all the, because I've missed a couple days, so I fucking, we went to Alaska with snowboarding, I fucking was doing 220 pushups a day and 220 squats a, just to try to catch up. And dude, I can do, I've never been able to do kettlebell on my shoulder squat all the way down,

lunge to my knee touching the ground, lunge, my core, whatever, my legs are so much fucking stronger that I'm not letting go of it. I'm like, I'm gonna do squats every fucking day to keep up with this. that I'm not letting go of it. I'm like, I'm gonna do squats every fucking day to keep up with this. Yeah, I mean, I think you personally,

it's great that you have her. Yeah. I mean, I really think you would benefit, you benefit from people like you from structure. Yeah. And a little structure. What if you like separately got with like a real top tier nutritionist to like tell you you eat this Instead of going like is so many people do the thing of their like

Carbs are bad or like, you know, and like I don't eat and like I don't know that I just feel like you should be able to have You should have some carbs and and you should know exactly the ones should have. I just think you would really do well with that. I struggle with the thing that makes me me and the thing that makes me healthy. So like, the thing that makes me me is the fucking like super-size at mentality of like here's a hundred dollars at McDonald's just surprise me. Like a hundred dollars? Oh I've done that so many times. Surprise me meeting like I'll take a hundred dollars with the food. A hundred dollars. Surprise me. I love it. It's my favorite. Wait how much do you end up getting at that point? You be shocked.

And you eat that alone? No, no, no, no, no, but I bring it into a party my favorite thing. Wait, how much do you end up getting at that point? You'll be shocked. And you eat that alone? No, no, no, no, no, but I bring it into a party. That's fun though. Yeah, yeah, but I love that energy. I love drinking out of nowhere. I love when someone goes, do you want a drink? That energy. Sure, it's like getting a first kiss.

And so I don't wanna lose that, but I do wanna lose the part of my brain that goes, like I woke up this morning and I felt so fucking good. Chuck's deposed by the last time I was here and I thought I was gonna die. I thought I was gonna die that day. I was like this is the day I die. I've had so many of those in Austin

where I'm just burning it so much and I'm not focusing on recovery or focusing on or working out or focusing on anything that I go, God damn it man, what the fuck's wrong with me? Like how do I get out of my own way to make sure I feel good? I just wanna feel good. And anxiety aside, like, so I'm trying to balance that because the thing when people go, if you quit drinking, you lose your pants. Well, I'm gonna lose me too. If I quit, if I just got stoned sober and started meditating every day,

I don't know who the fuck I am then. Like, I want the razzle dazzle. I want the fucking. I want the shi-can I ask you a question though. Please. How do you know that if you don't drink that the razzle dazzle isn't still there? What if the razzle dazzle is just in birth? It is, but it is, but it is, but I like the fucking flare. I like the fucking, like even, you're not a big drinker.

No, at all. But, I don't know, like even, you're not a big drinker. No, at all. But, I don't know, there's some, I don't know, there's like, I may be a tradition, maybe it's like, I kept thinking to myself the other day, I was like, why was it, why did I get drunk the first time? Yeah, like I didn't need it. I didn't, well, I was curious. But then why do I drink at parties?

Like, I don't need it. I don't need it. I don't need it And when I go and like New Year's Eve I didn't want to drink New Year's Eve because I was like I'm feeling good I don't feel like I want to drink. I was like I was just smoked pot and then I smoked some pot And I had a couple drinks and then I was like I'm really tired and I snuck off to this the party We're at they just screening room or the screening room to get napped and then I came back to the party and then I was like I'm feeling better and I had another drink and I was like this great. I woke up next day felt phenomenal. I didn't get hammered I got like responsibly buzzed the way everyone else was and then I didn't drink that next night Which is like insane for me. I was like near as day. I was like

I'm good. I'm having a good time. I'm good. I had I had why I take it back. I had one Comparty spritz, but I didn't, I didn't finish it. I went to bed. Never heard you talking about compulsory spritz so much. I love them, dude. I love you, right? A compulsory spritz?

I don't think so. Do you want a compulsory spritz? Right now? Yeah. I got two that can come up right now. Seriously? You want a compulsory spritz? I'll take a sip to see what it tastes like.

Peep! Someone tell Pete to a compare his spritz. Um, they're so enjoyable. They're so fucking enjoyable. Um, yeah, I, I, I want to, I just want to lose weight. That's my big thing. I just want to lose weight. I don't, I'm so inspired by you.

I, I'm really, you know, I bust your balls every fucking chance I get. But I'm so impressed with how you took control of your health. And you look better and seeing you surf was like something where I get. But I'm so impressed with how you took control of your health and you look better and seeing you surf was like something where I went to 75 Tom wasn't doing that. No, no. I mean, by the way, I'll tell you right now, I've tried it at 260, it's impossible. I'm sure. I, 240 was what, what I'm with a steway right now About 205 god damn it It's got to feel good close feel good who's who saw you who saw you and goes is he buying on new clothes? I go a lot can I tell you something yeah, and the pores are gonna love this I found out I I kind of knew this but I just did this no and though this is I'm meaning knew this, but I just did this. No, I'm meaning this.

This is genuinely a simple thing that can make anybody feel good. I wanna say this. So I took all the clothes that was too big for me and donated it, you know? Or you're set it on fire. I'm your size, you could give it to me. Now you're too big.

But I gave it away. I donated it, gave it away. And then I was in my closet with like some, you know, I did get some new things, but I had closed that I was like, I mean, these are like nice pants, right? Or a nice shirt or a nice jacket, like really nice. And I really like it.

And I was like, man, that sucks. I don't wanna like, literally empty the closet and buy an entirely new wardrobe. So I went to a tailor and can I tell you what a game change or, and I don't just mean because you lose weight. And this is something that men, I think, fuck up the most, is that we wear ill-fitting pants all the time.

All the time. And so I was like, I love these, you know, 10 pairs of pants, these shirts, and these 10 jackets. And I brought them to the tailor, and you put them on, and this because you're saying who's People have stopped me who don't know me to complement my the way my clothes fit and it's something that doesn't cost a shitload of money

It's if you're a girl and you have and I say this because I feel like men don't do it the most if you're a girl and you have, and I say this because I feel like men don't do it the most. You can set up your men do this with jeans. I am a 30, 38, 31. Like so, 32, 38, 32 is way too long and a 38, 30 is high water for me. You're right. Getting the right, you're getting it tailored because what ends up happening and like, this is what I was saying, like to a woman like, you want to do like a cool thing for your boyfriend. Uh, it's like, I'm saying you, you, you go to the tailor and you'll be like, really? And watch how, like, first of all, like,

I had pants that were too big in the waist. Not even like from before, I just meant like, they were still even current, but too loose. They take it out of the waist. The crotch is too high, they open it there. It's sitting too baggy on your ass. It's not tapered in a leg. And all of a sudden, you lead it to the tailor,

you pick it up and you put it on and you're like, oh my god, this is the way this is supposed to fit. And it doesn't, has nothing to do with a meaning like because you lost weight. Most, the clothes that we buy, for most of us, you get it off the rack, it's just mass produced. So it's not made for your body. And when you do that at the, you get the tailored jacket,

shirt pants, we're not talking about bespoke. We're just saying like a tailoring. Yeah. Total game changer. All of a sudden you're like, oh man, this fits. It looks so much better. It feels so much better. And I don't know. I did that and I have absolutely loved the fact that I did it.

Do you know what I did? I bought. So is Pete coming in with these goddamn compari spritz? God damn it, this kid's good. Compari spritz. Thank you Pete. So compari, Prosecco, is soda water. Is that a, a, a, Campari? Wait, what is Campari?

Ooh. What is Campari? It is a lacour. And Spritz is just, Spritz is the, is the soda water. So it'll taste a little bit of the, so it's literally soda water. Soda water,

Prosecco, and then a splash of compari. And it's just, if you taste a little bit of the bitters, it's like the bitters of the compari I enjoy. You taste a little bit of the Prosecco. Yeah. It's kind of refreshing.

It's not that alcoholic. It's kind of, it's good poolside drink. It's a great poolside drink. I know what's happening in Oslo. Ha ha but like this, this is what life's about. Taylor is tailoring your clothes. Oh, come party spritz. Man, I would like to get my clothes tailored.

Look, if I could remake my life. Just for you, like these, I think these, these, these are tailoring. I don't know. But like they just, when they, when your pants fit, they feel a million times. But you don't wanna fucking pull your pants up every two seconds. They'll be cool.

They'll be cool. How do we do that as a business? How do you get, how do you get, how do you say these? I don't think I had done, sorry. But that's not a bad idea. Like when you say bespoke, I don't know what that is, but I know there's a website called bespoke. There's a way to lose.

I did not have these done, sorry. But like, and there's like great club where like you get, they send you stuff. How would you go? How would you find, how would you, cause I'm sure we could find a sweatshop in China to tailor our clothes. And so, I know I'm not trying to,

I'm not trying to be woke. I'm trying to make money here. So if so, we find, we find some fucking place in the low-reside in New York that's a great tailor. How would you, what's the, I'm broad-stroke in this. How do we create a business where you as the consumer watching this, go into your closet and go, yeah, man, my pants are too fucking long. How do I create a business where you as the consumer watching this go into your closet and go? Yeah, man, my pants are too fucking long. Yeah, how do I get? How do I do something simple with an app, right? An app? And then all of a sudden you

You mail those pants in and they send them back perfect for sure this exists it has to It doesn't we should fucking create it it exists for sure sure. And that is the thing. People's like dudes, our jeans are net like most guys, their jeans actually look terrible on them. I'm saying most. Yeah. You know, it's, it looks like shit. The jeans look like shit. Look like shit. Yeah, you look like they're not fitting you the way they're supposed to. We shall tell you what we need to do. We need to do, we need to do a fucking, we need to take it the next level and do like a Oprah thing where we get our fans, because our fans look like us or look like we used to look.

The bigger guys, beards, fucking, we need them around for the next 20 years so we can keep making money. So we need to get their fucking lives in order and get us and them in great shape. Well, we've hit a lot of it this episode. I mean, we talked about, you know, testosterone, working out, eating healthy, tailoring, like those fans are gonna live forever.

Yeah, you think so? Yeah. Who's fans are dying first out of all the people we know? I mean, if it's based on what? Like, Stan hopes fans. Stan, I wonder how many majority of Stanhope's fans are already dead. Like the ones that started with him, you know what I mean?

Like most of the fans, Ralphie's fans are gone. I remember this guy hitting me up one time that I'd gone to high school with. And he was like, oh, that's so good. He was like, I can't believe you're doing stand up. This was like, you know, it was a while ago. That's so cool.

And he goes, I love, someone so I love stand hope. I'd love to check out your stuff. And I had an album. So I was like, oh, I might have had my second one out. He's like, we send it here. What girls with cornrows? Yeah, I think I think what goes with cornrows. He's like, we send it here. And I was like, okay. And I just kept for, you know, when you're like, it's in your head, but you keep forgetting, I have one of those right now where I keep forgetting to send somebody something that they have. Like, yeah, keep forgetting, forgetting. And then I finally was like, all right,

I'm gonna do it today. And I went back to Facebook to look for the exchange and he had died. Well, he could've saved his life. Yeah. God, that's crazy. Yeah, Phil. It's crazy that we got out of Phil.

Called me the N word the first day I met him. Really? Yeah. I do it or word the first day I met him. Really? Yeah. I do or why, dude? White, dude. Oh, nice. Yeah. He was a 4.2 GPA student.

Really? Yeah. Asian? White. Phil Sounds like an Asian name. Yeah. He called me that when we were playing basketball. Really?

Yeah. He was trying to tell me that I was good. Oh, that's a cool compliment. It playing basketball. Really? Yeah. He was trying to tell me that I was good. Oh, that's a cool compliment. It was a cool compliment. Yeah. And I just moved to Florida, so I had not heard somebody casually say that, as I'm sure you heard quite often as a Florida kid, but I was just like,

hey man, what? And he was like, that was a good shot. That's... Shout out to Phil. Shout out to Phil and to Florida. Yeah. You know exactly what I'm talking about. New Florida is such a different fucking world. New Florida is such a different fucking world. It's such a, I've so blessed that I grew up there because my perspective is so shifted. Sometimes I'll say stuff and people will go like, man, you're off or whatever. And I go, not when I'm home, they get me.

Oh yeah. I could retire in Florida. I could tap this game out. I could do one more round of touring, one more round of touring, one more round of touring, and go and just fucking. I ask you a retirement question. Yeah. Because I always think about this, that there's who you are and who you think you are, right?

And so one of those things that like, we always play these fantasies in our heads about whatever, whatever, what you want to fantasies in our heads about whatever, what you want to do or where you want to live. One of the things I've discovered about myself is that I could be seduced by the image of a beautiful home in the mountains, right? And you're like, oh fuck. But I know myself that I actually couldn't live that life. Yes.

Not because of the demands of living there, but I need to be within access of a city. In other words, I can live on the outskirts of a city as long as I can, I don't like living out in, like, I don't want that cabin that's out in the woods. I don't want to, I can visit it. I don't want living out in, I don't want that cabin that's out in the woods. I don't wanna, I can visit it. I don't wanna live there. Okay, that's the secret realization.

I was thinking about that in Hawaii, because part of your mind goes like, oh, fucking live in Hawaii, right? But I was wondering, I was like, you know, one of the things about, when you talk to people who live in Hawaii, one of their sometimes complaints is they're like, you know, of course, this is so beautiful.

Living is that some of them go like, I wanna get back, I wanna get more action. I need to like, I need more. Like, so that, you know, that's when we go to, maybe they travel to the states or wherever to just like get a little more action. Do you think you could actually be content living in like in ho in Maui like would that be enough or would you be like I can I can vacation

here but I can't live like this. A hundred percent. Which one? Why? You could live. Oh, 100%. All I need is a beach cruiser, some flip flops, board shorts, a speedo, a couple Hawaiian shirts, a couple James Per shirts, and a mystery, like I saw a mystery every day, like figure something out. Where can I, where can I get a compariate spritz? Yeah, let me go and go to the bar and they're like, Brenda lost her car last night. I'm like, for real? And they're like, yeah, man, she don't know where she parked it.

And I go, I'll figure that out. And then that's my day. Like just retired, right? That's my day. It's your time, yeah. Because I go to Brenda and I interview her, she's the server that works at the bar. I was like, so who are you with last night?

She was like, oh, fucking Jason came in last night with Coke and I went, great. Then I go to Jason's house and he's like, still party in and I party with them a little bit and do a little Coke and I'm like, some Jason. Well, I like something just to bother my day, to like make it, make me give me something to itch all day.

And then I solved the mystery and I end up at the bar with Brenda's cart at the end of the night. And then every day is like that. I could do that for the rest of my life. I could do that for the rest of my fucking life. Philipflops. I'll never put on another fucking shoe in my life We're still fucking different I don't need the big city. I want sunshine. I want the water. I want cocktails a little bit of weed a little bit of weed

Not a lot some fresh fruit a grilled protein at the end of the day and a mystery. I don't even need a woman I've been I could jerk off for the rest of the day and a mystery. I don't even need a woman. I've been, I could jerk off the rest of my life. You think so? Yeah, I wouldn't even need a woman. If Leanne leaves me, I go to a Q West, I go to Q West, I could do it in Q West, I could do it in Hawaii, I could do it in, I needed to be, I needed to be, I don't, I don't sound like a bad person,

but I couldn't do it like an indendidious highlight, but I couldn't do it in a indigenous island. I couldn't do it in Tahiti. I need to do it in a little bit more of a commoner island. Hawaii, you know, I don't want to be the one who I don't want to speak English. I'm like, because I don't know if I'd enjoy that, but I could definitely live on an island for the rest of my life.

And Leanne wants to live in the fucking mountains. And I have no interest in mountains. They buy, they confuse me. I go, so what do we do? We're supposed to read a fucking book. Yeah. And we can't get drunk because all the sudden we're going to fall down a fucking hill. Like God damn it.

This, there's weather coming in. In those bears. Fuck. Leanne is, she didn't think things through man. Like I think it through. I'd learn how to sail. I'd learn how to sail. I'd surf.

I'd skimboard. I'd have a skateboard. I'd have a beach car. I don't need a car. I don't need a car and I probably don't need that much money. Hmm. Everything is making me cry right now. You couldn't do that?

I don't know. It's funny. I mean, everybody, we're all adaptable. So it's like you're in situations, you do adapt. No, but what do you want? Well, that's the thing is like that's kind of the journey is figuring that out, figuring it out. No, but like right now, like what, right now,

touring's over, you're done. And by the way, I want you to do it alone. I don't wanna know where you're gonna retire with the boys in Christine. I want, Christine, I want to know, family, you get canceled, right? You get canceled and no one ever wants to hear from you again. She's dead.

She's dead. We all murdered her. And then you have some chunk of money. And you need to go to a place where you're gonna live, but you're gonna live and you're gonna do the fucking. What movie did I just see where that guy did that? Have you seen the morning show? No, it's so good.

Yeah, I think it's so fucking good. It's so good, but he goes to Italy, because he has canceled. See, for all guys is Matt Lauer, he goes to Italy, and he lives in a fucking big mansion in Italy. I can't do that. Okay, I could do that. So like my immediate first thought

when you started pitching this was that, you know, I think I would really embrace Europe. I like what I mean, like what I feel comfortable in is like Western Europe, you know, and like yeah, that Spain, France, Italy, like, I'm maybe, I'm obviously, I'm romanticizing this stuff a bit because I know the reality is that,

but like, one of my friends did this, where he moved to Italy, like during the pandemic and with his family and they've just stayed. And he's like, I live in Italy now, like that's just, so like that kind of thing. When you say it to me, like that. I don't know, in my fantasy mind, I go like,

oh, that's appealing, I would like to do that. I'm gonna plant the seeds right now because I feel it happening. There will be a day I disappear for a while. I feel it, I can feel it. I will tell you that. You retire retire? No, no, no. I'm talking Dave

Shepelle disappear for a chunk where people go what the fuck happened to Bert? And you won't tell me in? Yeah, because I think I feel like I've been feeling it lately. I never understood Shepelle taking away because I wanted what he had. I wanted the I wanted to be able to get on stage anywhere I wanted. You know, like though when that Shepelle did that when South Africa, I couldn't wrap my head around it. I remember going like because I wanted to be able to get on stage anywhere I wanted. You know, like when that, she spelled it that one South Africa, I couldn't wrap my head around it. I remember going like, because I wanted a TV show.

I wanted people to- I could not comprehend it at all at the time. Yeah, at time. Well, yeah, because we're young struggling comedians. Yeah, you're going, the guy that has- And we've never wanted. Yeah, your perspective is just,

the most successful guy who's knocking out of the park is leaving it, your perspective is just the most successful guy who's knocking out of the park is leaving it. That's just, you can't understand the whole scope of it at the time. And I get it so clearly now. I get it so clearly. I have a different perspective now. I understand it.

And it's sexy to me. Like the way married men that are unhappy in their relationship fallin' over new women, I go, I've often thought about, I've often thought about escape routes. Like just like getting out and taking a week where no one can get in touch with me and no one knows where I am. And people, I don't, I mean, I don't, I don't, I don't wanna tell the end of the girls

because I don't want anyone to touch me. Yeah. Cause it's, I, I, under, I, I'll never do it. I'll never do it because of that, but I get it so fucking clearly. It makes so much fucking sense to be like, no, no, no, I'm not. You're not gonna be able to get a hold of me

for a little bit. No one will, no one will. And then let the panic, and I know we're gonna get sued. I know we're gonna lose money on these dates, but I get it so much. And if I do that, I've thought, I've thought of my, here are my places.

Paris number one. I mean, yeah. Paris. Paris, I love Paris. Paris, I'm gonna get an Airbnb myself. It's gonna be in the city. I'm gonna smoke cigarettes and cigars all day long. I'm gonna fucking drink wine and just walk. Walk, I'm asleep for like two days.

I've thought about this so much. It seems cool. But yeah, Italy, Europe sounds fucking well that's the thing is I I'm one of those people that really romantic. I'm seduced by like a Paris. You like you like there's there's a sensualness to your life. Like, you like a finer thing every now and then, you like a nice thing, like a clean thing, whereas I like sloppy, dirty, don't shower. Like, well, we essentially, you described it because you were like, I went like flip flops

of bike and just board shorts and that's, and then for me, I think being in like I don't know Tuscany or or I'd love to go to like sans Sebastian or Dread I go back there or you know, I like I don't know if I could live forever like that But the idea of it appeals to me. Yeah Yeah, it's interesting It's interesting that we're friends and that the things we like and the things we want. I don't think everyone would ever pair us together.

And it makes it confuse me at times. Should I go? There's things I've learned from you. Like, I never really understood cars. I never really got cars. But now I, for some reason, I like the interior of my car so much more now because I'm friends with you. You think so? I do.

I take a time and I go, this is a nice interior. It's just like, I don't know, man. The car thing is, it really is like a bug. I get it. I actually also even understand too. I think I only recently understood that I think it is like a,

like you, even though I'm heavy in it, I already see that like there will be a point. You know, maybe it's five years, 10 years, we're all go. I'm not driving all these anymore. It's time to like let them go. So you see it as like some, I'm very much enjoying it, and I don't know, I just get a real thrill out of the hunt for one, out of the experience of like,

how does this drive differently than the other one? Well, did you, did you and Christina drive today together? No. Did you, did you drive the convertible? Yeah. I actually, I actually thought how sexy is that that today's a beautiful day. It's a gorgeous day. And I thought, oh man, I would love to be able to pick a car based on the day and go, I'm gonna drive the convertible to gorgeous day. Because it ends up being like,

if you really get into like, I mean, everyone I've talked to, I know people who have like, like crazy amount of cars. And I've had that conversation where I'm like, you know, like what's with, you know, why? Or what are you gonna drive today? He goes, it's just like the mood,

because it's the mood I'm in. I'm doing that, so we bought a house, a property, semi-close to us, semi-close to us kind of, but very, very drivable safe on a motorcycle. My goal has always been, my goal always was to get a sitcom in, wow, this is so fucking crazy. It was always to get a sitcom in LA on CBS Radford

and be able to drive their everyday and work. And I was like, I'm not gonna motorcycle, it'll be fun to get a motorcycle and drive to work. So it's not that far, it's pretty safe, it's all backstreet, that'll be fun. And so I got your electric bike, and then now I have a quiver of electric bikes. I'd probably five electric bikes.

Damn. Well, I know, I just started accruing them. One was a podcast sponsor. One I got for fully loaded as a gift. One someone gave me that never got fully loaded and showed up at my house. I have yours. I've some at the beach house.

But the problem with electric bikes is they're fucking silent. So you're flying down streets and no one knows you're there and you're going 30 miles a day. So with electric cars, too, you don't hear them coming through the parking lot, you know. Dude, so I was gonna buy, I was gonna buy a fucking motorcycle. Loud as fuck. I don't need it to be brand new.

Why don't you get that electric one? Which one? The icon? No, the electric motorcycle is a called an icon. I don't know. I don't know. Matt Farah had to be out. I thought it was sort of the Z. No, there, uh, uh, uh, Matt Farah had to go out to the Z.

No, there's a electric. Yeah, zero. That one's the best. That one's the best. These, these are electric. You ever see these? No. Yeah, it does.

Does it make noise though? That's my problem. I wanted to make noise people hear me coming. Click on, uh, look at those things. So what I've decided is I might get a, and look at those things. So what I've decided is I might get a, because I'm only driving like a mile or two. I mean, it's two miles. I might get a quiver of just weird,

kind of neat motorcycles to drive down to the studio every day when I do podcasts and have a fun thing to drive down the studio and just get like, fucking bizarre motorcycles. You're going to CBS Redfern? to do podcasts and have a fun thing to drive down the studio and just get like fucking bizarre motorcycles. You're going to CBS Redfern? No, no, no, no, the new podcast studio. Oh, the new studio, okay.

You're gonna fucking love it, dude. It is so, I did the table thing. We talked about having tables for podcasts. And I found I wasn't, there's so much to unpack here that we don't have time. I found that I was not present for a lot of conversations in on a table. And so I was like, I, I miss, I miss the man cave. I miss that couch. I miss that couch.

I miss cuddling up and like pulling my feet underneath me. I miss that couch. I miss that couch. I miss cuddling up and pulling my feet underneath me. I miss that energy. I miss having a table so different than for me a couch. So I built like a fucking legit setup where it just, it welcomes alcohol, cigars, weed, all of it. Change my lifestyle, baby. Change my lifestyle. I love it.

I'm so proud of you for surfing. I really am. I saw that. I'm so proud of you for so many fucking things. You're taking such control of your life that it is an inspiration. It should be an inspiration anyone watching. You should be an inspiration on so many fucking levels

because number one, no, I'm not even fucking around. I'm obviously way more successful, but you are so, like, I think about that sometimes, how much more success I've had in this industry than you. But you, you, poor, in this business, poor as fucking shit. To the point when you realized you had money, it was because your charger was across the room and you guys were laying your phone across the wall

and you went, wait, we can afford chargers now. I remember that moment, poor, to successful and fat, to successful fat and autonomous where you create this podcast network. And then successful and skinny, and successful skinny and going out and trying things. And the more people need to take from you, you're not David Goggins, you're not sitting here,

you're not Tony Robbins, you're more like David Goggins because you're silently doing the work that people should fucking copy. They should look at what you're doing and go, I'm putting more of that in my life, but you're an inspiration to me. You're an inspiration to me. Well, thanks, that's very sweet of you.

I'm very proud of you, for everything you've accomplished, you're doing this crazy, I can't believe you're going into another enormous tour that's Arena's only, which is wild. I remember getting a phone call from you, being like, I sold out my shows in the clubs. And I think I'm gonna add a show. And like the excitement

in your voice, you're so proud. And now you've reached the pin, I mean, you're doing arenas, man, it's fucking wild. Memorial Day Week and the machines in moving. And they're gonna say that then. Memorial Day Week and we just announced today, you already have seen that I will bring, trust me, I'll talk about this a lot.

I think you've probably promoted a few times. I've promoted a couple more times. A trust me, I'll talk about this a lot. I think you'll probably promote it a few times. I'll promote it a couple more times. A couple more times, I'll fucking promote it. But that also, I mean, I remember when you had the script for this, when you did the table read, and then I remember when you said it got greenlit, and I was like, I go, do you realize how rare it is to get greenlit?

I remember. I just, to get greenlit. Out of all the conversations I had about that movie, you were the one that mattered. Your conversation with me was very, very precise. And you said, hey, this is a big deal. Don't fuck this up. Fucking put everything you have in this because this doesn't just set up the next 20 years

your life, this sets up all of us like all of us because they're not making comedies anymore. You go, we all get to start making comedies if this works. And so you're like, fucking go over there and do everything. And I, man, I took so much of that. And I remember Rogan saying, they don't make fucking hard art comedies. Dude, no one goes hard anymore. And I was like, all right, I remember laying in bed the for night before production going, I'm gonna go too hard, I'm gonna go too hard, and they're gonna shut down production,

but it's worth taking big swing. And we did that first scene in the movie, and Josh, who Josh and Mary, all of them, all of the people we work with at Legendary, hit me up, and they're like, that's the right direction. Let's go fucking hard. If we're gonna put millions of dollars into a movie, let's take big fucking swings.

And you did such a good job that now, we have other things going, let's go to space. Yeah. I can't wait for you to gain all that way back. I already, can I tell you, I thought of, I thought of something so fun, I have to tell you off. I have to tell you off, Mike. Remind me immediately to tell you. Okay. Okay. I'm going something so fun. I have to tell you off. I have to tell you off, Mike. Remind me immediately to tell you.

Okay. Okay. I'm going back to LA. All right, go back to LA. I love you. I love you, man. I love you, man. I love you, man.

I love you, man. I love you, man. I love you, man. I love you, man. I love you, man. I love you, man. I love you, man. I love you, man.

I love you, man. I love you, man. I love you, man. I love you, man. I love you, man. I love you, man. I love you, man. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean. Here's what we call, screw bears one cave. No scripts to beat a booze amateur, for topology. Dirty jokes, rancher humor, no apologies. Here's what we call, screw bears one cave. you