2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Bears vs. Wild Animals | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 202

Episode Date: September 11, 2023

Welcome back to another episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave! This week Tom and Bert discuss which wild animals they could beat in a fight, getting spray tans, seeing Metallica in concert, donating to charity, Kevin Hart's accident, racing, what makes someone a real artist, Taryn Manning, Bert's new diet, and much more!https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://www.bertbertbert.com/tourhttps://store.ymhstudios.com/

This week on Two Bears One Cave. You know that's the number one thing Google about me? Is Berk Chrysler liver drainage? Yeah. Oh, damn it! And feathers go everywhere. Every black eye looks jacked. Every fucking black eye looks jacked.

100%. A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a- Brand new episode of Two Bears One Cave right into this camera. With the two skinniest comics in town. Easily. Start with it. Go ahead and say it. You said it earlier and that means a lot to me. I was just kidding. You look great. You look different.

It's good. So when you were critiquing, when you would see me and you go, ooh, like you weren't saying it as a dick, you were saying that as a friend. Thousand percent. Do you know what one also threw me off so crazy? What?

When I was here a while ago, and I was like, hey man, what are we gonna do about this? Yeah. And you were like, I think I look great. And then, and then, and then, Leanne was like, I think he looks great too. I was like, what the fuck are we talking about? What are we talking about here? It's hard to know how far you are in the weeds until you start walking.

Yep, but it's a notable change. It's a notable change. And it's quick. Yeah, I knew you could do it quick. It's crazy. That's the problem with the problem is, and that's one of my biggest problems that I used to be, my recovery was so quick

that I was like, stop drinking next week, drop 12 pounds. And then, and then, but yeah, I, yeah, I just been off booze and eating keto. Eating keto is fuck. And continuing to like work out. Working out like crazy.

Working out like absolute fucking lunatic. I worked out with Jake Johnson. You know Jake Johnson? Is that the, he's from New Girl he dives in the minx. He was in fucking the mummy with Tom Cruise. He's been in everything. Okay.

And so he worked out with me yesterday. So funny. He goes, I go, what was the last time you were at the doctor because I've never fucking gone. He's like 48. Yeah. And I was like, this is how people have part of tax. Yeah. For sure. For sure. How was the workout with him? It was awesome. I love it, dude. Working out sober is totally fucking different. It's a game changer. I've never heard someone say that. Like when you work out hungover, you are consistently like, I'm gonna throw up.

This sucks. This really sucks. When you're like not, I've been drinking for like a month now, I think. And by the way, it's not even so, I'm just so, here's the big difference, Tom, is that I am doing it for myself. I'm not doing it for Joe.

I'm not doing it for the fans. This is a mock me. This is a huge breakthrough, Joe. I'm not doing it for the fans. This is what I mean. This is a huge breakthrough. Dude, it is so different when you don't, when you quit drinking for not for a bet. Yeah. Like it is just for yourself. I got on a plane.

I'd go to a disc, shout out to DGLO. I went to a disc golf great lake open. And, and I didn't, I didn't want to drink, right? So I didn't want it. So I was losing weight and I was feeling good.

I was feeling very clear in my head. I got on the plane and there's the instinct when they go around, they go, do you want to drink? There's this instinct, like a trigger pull where I go, oh, fuck no. And then, but then I got in the air and I didn't have any anxiety and take off. And I was just like, I'll just listen to a podcast.

And then I didn't drink and I'm on the flight home. I was like, dude, I got like three days on the road under my belt. I'm easy to get home. I'm just going home. Just going home. It's crazy. And you know what I felt in Trenzik value. Really? It's my new word. Trenzik? Am I saying it right? In Trenzik. And you got it. Yeah. I got that. Really? It's when you feel worth that you earned because you did something good. Good for you. Yeah.

So this is a big week for you. Dude, it's been a big month. And spray tans, incredible. Fucking spray tans. Sick, right? It's amazing. It looks like you just got off a boat. Look how dark my hands are.

I know. I'm seeing this. You still haven't gotten spray tans. I still haven't gotten spray tans I still haven't gotten spray tan. You don't even get regular tan. If I spend like time, I was spending time at the beach, I get it, but I also have very like a high fear of sunburn, so I douse myself.

I mean, I go like SPF 50 or more, and I don't fuck around because I'm scared of it. Oh, I'm not scared of it. I've been burned my whole life. I've been burned and I hate it so much that I always, like, just, and I have fair skins. I get scared, I'm gonna get, like, not just burned, but I'm gonna get pre-skin cancer

and all that shit. I have, I'm not a sunscreen guy. Jesus. I've never really been a sunscreen guy my whole life. I'm telling you now, though, spray tans are the fucking move. So you went when did you go? I got what a spray I got spate spray tan with young gravy. What the musician? Young gravy and you guys went together? No, I had them come here and then yeah. All right. I don't know. I don't know. We become friends and he's so much younger than me and he fucks so much.

And I just hear his stories and I live vicariously through him. He has the coolest fucking life in the world. And he got a spray tan with him. And he's like me, he facetimes. So like all of a sudden he's facetiming and he's like, yo, it's up. And I'm like, nothing, what are you doing? It's like, he's like, go, go, go get fucking sushi.

And I'm like, well, yeah, he's awesome, dude. And you got spray tan together. We got spray tan together, me, him, and Trevor Wallace. Got spray tan together. Trevor Wallace looked fucking awesome. That guy's pink. He has got really pink nipples. So we got him spray tan.

And I feel fucking awesome. Push to get a spray tan. She looks just the way he's done it before. Yeah, she's done it before. She has. She has done it before. She didn't do it this week or anything, but she's done it before.

I'll bring it up again. Maybe we'll go get spray tan. Dude, I got the girl. Yeah, she's done it before. Oh, she has? She has done it before. She didn't do it this week or anything, but she's done it before. I'll bring it up again. Maybe we'll go get spray tan. Dude, I got the girl. Yeah, she's awesome, dude. She's here, she comes out to you. She comes to you. She comes to you.

Does it your house? Does it right before bedtime? Hit you up. You're going to sleep. I got it. I'm being dead on this. I know this sounds like a joke. I know this sounds like a joke.

Right now, you and your check are going on vacation. Get a spray tan before you go. That way you don't have to worry about trying to get on all the sun. Chasing the sun. You go down with the tan, you feel great about yourself. A tan makes you, it sucks out all your flaws. You think that's how black people feel all the time.

It's why black people are so jacked. Well you see Corey Henry, he's gonna stop by. He dude, every black guy looks jacked. Every fucking black guy looks jacked. It's just, they're skinned. They're just getting melanin. It's just perfect. It's just Dude, I'm really attracted to dark dark black chicks. Yeah, like dark Wish yeah, like dark how dark have you ever seen the negative paint they make? Yeah, that dark that dark Yeah, so you want like East African. Yeah, yeah like Namidian

So you want like East African. Yeah, like Namidian. Namidian. Sierra Leone. Sierra Leone. I don't want a conflict, dark. Yeah. Very dark. Which animal do you think could kill you,

but you're also capable of killing? You know what I mean? Like if you go up the list, like you can kill a dog, right? Or you can kill a dog before it killed me. Right. And then like what's the next, like could you go up the list, like you can kill a dog, right? Or you can kill a dog before it killed me. Right. And then like, what's the next, like could you kill a fox? Yeah, I could kill a fox before a fox killed me. Cat, I'm guessing I can kill, before it killed me,

I get fucked up pretty bad. House cat, house cats are tough to do. Yeah, they're tough. You can get out of a tree and they fuck you up. And then they grab onto your sweatpants and they're like, I've had, I lived with somebody who had a cat that would fuck me up sometimes.

I could kill a snake before it killed me. What can I do snake? A deadly snake? Fuck, I don't know. I bet no, I could kill a snake before it killed me. I've killed snakes before. That boy's got it. Copperhead the other day.

Oh, I'm, start this over. Yeah, your boys? So my boys who are five and seven, my nephew's visiting, who's eleven're and he's like a Florida kid Right, he's he's fishes all day. I know so he's like kids are so broken He's so broken they're raised with so much trauma inherently in their life because we have so many predators in Florida We've got alligators. We've got crocodiles. We've got We have crocodiles like little tiny. We have gators. We've gators. We have little baby Cro crocodiles, we've got pinoids in the States. We have crocodiles, like little tiny little gators.

We've gators, but we have little baby Crocs, like little camon Crocs. Okay. We've got sharks, we've got jellyfish, we've got lightning, we've got tornadoes, we've got hurricane, impressive heat. The oppressive heat, we've got,

Florida has so many, it's second most dangerous place in the world to Australia Australian kids are fucking lunatics Yeah, you cannot go toe-to-toe with an Australian kid you get a German kid an Australian kid head to head German kid loses every Every fucking time Aussies are a different level. What's the softest state in this country? Now, no, we're gonna go back to the animals the softest state making the softest children based on predators and natural disasters What's the Google it? What's the safest state in this country? It's gotta be like Vermont. Vermont's pretty safe.

You have cold, you have winter. Cause you have, but you don't get mistaken. You have LA boys. They're Texas boys right now, but they got LA grooming. Pretty young though. They caught a fucking copperhead. Those are only LA boys.

Go, I bet we can get that. Wyoming. Wyoming. There's no crime. You got like some cowboys there, but I wouldn't call them soft. No, Wyoming's not soft because they have, you gotta learn how to ride a horse to get to school and stuff.

Yeah. Connecticut. I bet Connecticut's soft Virginia. Look at hills. Okay, keep going. You were saying the boys caught a copperhead. Rhode Island. That's the soft Virginia. Look at hills. Okay, keep going, you were saying. The boys caught a copperhead. Road Island. That's the softest. Road Island. Yeah.

You put your two boys versus two road island boys. They'll take them every day. You put your nephew, the 11 year old Floridian Florida kid against any, I would say any Florida kid could take. So the Florida kid, my nephew, he pulls up, he goes, oh, we got a, I forget the name of the fish. What's the name of it? What's it like a river fish?

A bass, no, a brim, a gray, gray, gill or something like blue, yellow, blue, yellow. He's like, oh, we got a blue go. And I was like, where are you in this? I'm like, no, at what state? We're in Austin. Okay. So I'm like, are these fish in in your backyard?

Yeah. Oh, hold on. Let's take this all to the beginning. Are your kids like, what the state? We're in Austin. Okay. So I'm like, are these fishin' in your backyard? Yeah. Oh, hold on. Let's take this all to the beginning. Are your kids like, what the fuck are you doing? No, they've gone fishing, too. Okay. And Alice really likes it. And he'll catch fish.

But this 11 year old is like, does like fishing tournaments. So he shows up. He's checking page for lessons. Yeah, he's just like, and he's leaving lines. He's like, I'll leave this line here, hooks it up to this. He's 11 years old. he's like three rocks going. Yeah, and so then he's like, oh, we got something here. He's like, this is a pretty good blue girl.

Here's what I'll do. I'll use this as bait and he slices it up like right in front of me. I'm like, and he goes, he's like, we'll get a good catfish with this. Says that. We'll get a good catfish with this. And I was like, okay. So, he fucking uses it as bait, drops line. A few minutes later, he's like, yep,

where I tell you, pulls out a catfish like this, right? Pulled it, I was like, Jesus Christ man. He's like, this is a good one. And then he's like, the boys are like, are we gonna eat that? And he's like, nah, we'll just release it. He's like, throws it back in. They keep pulling up fish. I go up to the house. And then I hear he's like, no, we'll just release it. He throws it back in. They keep pulling up fish.

I go up to the house and then I hear Christine is like, oh boy, I go, what? They put fish in the pool. I go, get the fuck out of here. So they got, they caught a fish and they threw it in the pool. And then I wake it and I go to bed. And he's like checking his lines in the evening. He's like, I have a few lines I dropped.

I'm like, what are you talking about? So this fuck fit. I know I'm like, dude, and he's got like, you know, he's blonde. He's got like curly like neck like, he's like a real Florida. He's like, baby, feel. Yeah. Yeah. So then he goes, um, that I get up in the morning and they're like, uh, I forgot who said it first.

So like, they got a copperhead. I go, excuse me. And I run down. I go, what the fuck's going on? And he goes, don't worry. He goes, we've got a copperhead, but I put it in the cooler and I put the cooler on the trampoline. And I go, what?

Why? He goes, I secured the premises. And I go, dude, you can not, how did you, I, when they said, caught a copperhead. I thought they meant like, grabbed it by the back of that head, like catch a snake. I was like, are you out of your fucking mind?

That's a poisonous snake. And he's like, no, no, it swallowed my line whole. So I just cut the line into the cooler and like left it in the cooler and then I put that cooler on the trampoline so nobody could get to it. I was like, thank you very much, but you could leave the copperheads alone.

Sweet, what happened to the copperhead? I don't know. I think we threw the cooler in the river. What the fuck? What the fuck? Oh, yeah. Dude, there's not enough of those boys. Oh no, he's rad.

Is it? I tell you that I don't look, I don't want to get political, but that's what's going wrong in our country. You know, there's that boys inside every man. Yeah. It's just, this country hasn't allowed people the opportunity to grow.

Like, there's, I can't really say it because it's gonna sound, it'll make it sound like I give a shit about politics, but there's a documentary going, or a podcast going around right now, about a big hot button topic issue. I think I talked to you, I think I texted you about this.

Did you listen to it? I did, I did. Is it good? Yeah, it's really good. It's all the LA liberals are coming out and like low key saying how much they like it, but they can't say it because they'll get in trouble because they're scared. Because they're scared. Yeah. And so I was like, well, I got to listen to it. Now, these people are saying they like it, but that's what's wrong is like, there's something to be said for like these fucking alpha boys.

I remember there was a kid we were, I was doing a shop running a, I might have told you a story before. I was shop running a field trip to whatever fucking the observatory. Yeah. And it was first grade. And they, I was shop running and they put me with all the boys. I said, I don't, I'm not, I'm not, I have a girl. I don't, I can't raise boys. Like I know, I guess it was the girls.

I'm like, no, dads were the girls, which is okay, thinking. But regardless, these woke parents are like, you go with the boys, you, you, you, you have a penis, you'll be with the boys. Yeah. So I go with the boys, I don't have boys. So I don't know how to, you know this.

I only know how to fuck with boys. Yeah. The girls. No, no, no, I don't, like, I don't have boys, so I don't know how to, you know this. I only know how to fuck with boys. Yeah. The girls. No, no, I don't know how to raise a boy. I don't know how to fuck with them as like a friend. Oh, I got you. So I can take care of girls, I know girls, I know that energy, but I don't know

boy energy other than to challenge it. Yeah. So this boy says to me, I can, I bet I can, I bet I can hit that bird with this stick. And I was like, he can't, it was pretty far, it was under a tree. We were under a tree, the bird was out in the thing.

I said, you can't, he goes, yes, I can. I said, bet you can, and he goes, okay. And from like 15 yards, which is kind of far, he fucking Tomahawks, this bird just, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew,'re like, you are not allowed to go on the tour. And in my head, he bet me. Oh, I'm like, you're fucking out. I still don't stand it as they amount. I've seen the kids since, I've seen the kids since. Crazy enough.

But part of me was like, if this was 100 years ago, he'd be our leader. We'd be like, I'll give you one of my daughters. Please get her pregnant. Yeah, yeah. And but our leader. We'd be like, I'll give you one of my daughters. Please get her pregnant. Yeah, yeah. But in this society, we're like, well, you just killed a fucking bird. Yeah.

And then, you know, then the other- That's what boys want to do. They want to destroy things and break things and kill things. Yeah. And that's also how you test yourself as a man. Have you ever killed a small animal as a child? Yeah. I shot a frog one time, and it broke my heart.

Yeah, lizard, squirrel, baby guns. Yeah, with baby guns. Birds. I shot a rat as an adult, and it broke my heart. Yeah, lizard, squirrel, BB guns. Yeah, with BB guns. Birds. I shop for rat as an adult and it fucked me up. No, rat I could get into. It was crossing the cable line over to our house and I was at our old house and I was drinking with a pellet gun and I just went and it fell into our boogan via and I could hear it whining and I couldn't find it. So I just

wanted. Yeah, that sucks, but I hate rats. I fucking hate right. We've won Loosen Our House right now because our cat died. Our cat used to catch rats. Yeah, mice. And now we have now they're running the muck because the cat's gone when the cats away, the mice will play. Yeah. And they broke into my fucking backpack. When I was in Silver Lake, we had rats, the size of dogs, like on the power lines. Oh. So big over there.

And I was freaked out. Like I was, I hated. I would see them. I'd go in the back patio. You'd see them crossing power lines. And I was like, mother fucker. And so I was working as like a site rep at this location. And I saw the maintenance guys.

I'm like, and they have all the shit out for rats at the building. I go, do you have anything I can take home? And they're like, yeah, they go get this right here. And it was this big like tray with this super sticky shit in it, you know? And so what happens is they get stuck in it and then they can't move.

They can't, their momentum just get stopped, their heart rate so that they just die in these things. So he's like, put some peanut butter right here. I got it. So I lay this thing out. The next day, the peanut butter is eaten, the tray is flipped over and it's shit on. So like some gangster rat was like you're trying to you think I'm gonna

Yeah, I'm gonna Flip it over and shits on it. I was like, okay. I Said trap so like the actual like the next nap. Yeah traps. Yeah, like I caught a couple But I love seeing a dead rat like I I don't mind seeing a dead rat now, but I killing it, it bothered me. I don't know if I could kill an animal. We should do that with Rogan. Let's go hunting with Rogan one time.

Would you? I would go hunting, yeah. I'd go bow hunting. Are you pretty, I know you have, you're a good shot. If I grew up shooting bows and arrows, not, not, but like in just in in, just the way you do in Florida. Yeah, not like the archery. Man, like I'm a pretty good shot.

I'm pretty good, and like I understand the concept of a compound bow. I couldn't do what Joe does, but I would love to. I don't want to shoot. What you could do is, he does it. What were you? What were you? Fucking hikes nine days into the woods.

Oh, that's what he wants to, that's what he's gonna do. Yeah, I just want to go into like his backyard or something. And shoot something there. Like something in Texas where they have them set up and they're kind of held there. Yeah, yeah. I know a guy that, that uh, he would go, he's like, I'm going hunting. And he would, he would hunt on a tree post at a feeding stand.

So like the animals are just coming to eat food that is dispensed for them. He's like, shoot him there. I was like, that's not. So catching the homeless people to 7-11. Yeah. It shoot him there. I was like, that's not. So catching homeless people to seven left. Yeah. It was totally ridiculous. I was like, that's not hunting.

What about me? No, but I went out and I hunt buggy in Florida. Oh, once then we had like these, was it 278 rifles. Yeah. Hog hunting. Okay, I could go hog hunting. That's kind of like a hog hunt. Yeah.

With a gun. Yeah, with a gun. I want to get a machine gun though, just. But they used to take like in Florida when I was a kid in high school, they would take like semi-automatic and go raccoon hunting. Let's do that. Let's do that.

Let's do this. Let's do, because we haven't done a live podcast in a while. Yeah. Let's set up a live podcast. Not this, like, let's set up a live podcast. Okay. In Florida, you think? No. We gotta do it in Austin, because I think it's easiest to live podcast in Florida. You saying no?

We gotta do it in Austin cuz I think it's easiest to do it in Austin, okay, but let's set up But let's do activities like that like go hog hunting in Florida and then like and we'll put it as as one of the as an episode as a segment side. I would love to go Okay, let's do it because we haven't done live podcasts for forever and those were fun as fucking. Yeah, super fun We'll get hammered. We'll get fucking hammered and we'll We'll do we'll go hog hunting. I would love to go hog hunting. I would I tell you what I really enjoyed was spearfishing Yeah, that was fun as fun. I like this cigar is I gonna kill you. No, it's fine. Okay. Um, I want I Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I want you to smell this so I got really into weed

Okay, okay smell smell this weed. And tell me if that doesn't smell like no weed you've ever smelled before. Okay, it's called white thorn rose. Let's see, this looks like it's powerful. Just smell it. It smells and it tastes so good. Yeah, it smells nice.

It smells beautiful, right? Uh-huh. Yeah, very nice. Yeah, I'm trying to find it. You can't find it anywhere. Really? Yeah, I got that. Is it a night night or just walking around?

No, it's walk around. Fun. It's actually fun time. To be dead honest with you. It is not that strong, but it's like actually, in my opinion, the perfect buzz. Like almost like a Xanax, like,

but a little uplifted Xanax. Okay. Yeah. I'll be lifted Xanax. I've been smoking a lot of weed. Really? Yeah. Yeah.

And I gotta be honest with you, what you gonna say? Let's go back to the animals. You think you could kill. Okay. Oh Oh good call so Because there's okay you have to eliminate certain things sharks. I can't kill shark rhino. I can't kill rhino hippo elephant yeah

Elephant no big cats no fucking way not lying. I know I don't know No fucking way. Not lying, I know. I don't know. Man, I know that. See the problem, I think the biggest that Kat I could kill is like a Savannah cat is like a probably kill one of those. Savannah cat? You've ever seen them?

Pull up Savannah cat, can you? They're fucking amazing. I want to get one because we have this rat problem, but Liam wanted to get one because she wants to take our outside cat. They had stolen a cat. They ever tell you that? No. Dude, they're fucking badass and they're big as fuck.

Look at Marylyn Rice Cub has one. One of these? Yeah. You ever seen Marylyn's, they're fucking big dude. That looks pretty big dude. Dude, they're the size of this table. Put it, uh, Marylyn Rice Cub cat. That's what she has?

Yeah, it's a fucking, it's like a wild cat. They're like part, but they're domesticated, like. Kind of domesticated. Like the one of, like they have, they have an F, F1 through F5. Is what? It's how domesticated they are.

So she, I think has like an F4, but look at the head on that thing. Yeah, and this thing. And this thing. You can get an F4 but look at the head on that thing. Yeah. And this thing can get an F5 type in Savannah cat just and look how big they are Savannah cat. And then just type it in and then just look at the images. And like look at how big that one is. Well yeah look at that fucking thing. That's huge. Should porn stars get them? Like, there we go. So can you zoom in on that one picture? For stars, get them.

Yeah. What is this here? It's 23 pounds. Okay. Savannah cat is important to many of them. No, the number one down to the number five. That's a regular house cat right there. Yeah, you want to get the number one Savannah cat.

Average size, 18 inches, average weight, 23 pounds. And they're fucking. You can get one that's enormous. You can get San Diego's big on them. They got a lot in San Diego. There's certain states you can't have them. Well, what's the deal with one of these? Like what is it?

They're fucking wild. That's a wild cat. It looks like a technically wild cat. There's a lot of states you can't own them in because look at how big that one is. Look at how fucking big that fucking cat is. And they're expensive, it says. Oh, they're very expensive.

Like if I were you, I'd get one for Texas to have in your backyard and just fucking, wow. Kill all those copperheads. Look at how fucking big that cat is. You gotta be willing to have a wild animal in your house a little bit. Look at that. Fucking look at that thing. Are they like hunters or are they out there hunting?

Oh yeah. Like you, first of all, they jump like 15 feet. Okay. Yeah, yeah. So you've gotta let it go outside but realize when you let it go outside, if it goes into your neighbor's yard, they're gonna fucking shoot it. Because everyone thinks it's a wild fucking cat. They do. They think a leopard escaped the zoo or something. I want one of those so bad. But you can't control it. If it decides to get in bed with you, there's no like, hey, get over on the couch.

No. It's like, Grrrr. Yeah, I would like one of those. Same way like slash head. Why don't you get one of these? Liam won't let me. How come? So we have two cats in our house.

Ila has a cat that's never left her fucking room, practically. Seriously? Well, kind of. It lives in a room pretty much 100% of the time. It lives in an Ila room? Well, cause Ila lives in a room. So yeah, so they live in a room together. They're like fucking weird roommates.

And Frankie. And then. How's Ila? We're going to Metallica tonight. You are? Yeah. That's cool. She fucking met the bass player for five finger death punch at a fully loaded concert and was like,

hit me up like, duh. I was just fucking Iowa. I was just talking to Big J. Five finger death punch is coming to SoFi. We should go. And I was like, okay, so I looked and I was like, yo, they're opening for Metallica. She was like, what? So she's like, can we go?

And so I bought tickets for Friday and Sunday. You're going to both? Yeah, she is. She's taking, we're going tonight with her and then she's taking seven friends Sunday. You know it's going to be a totally different show, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're doing totally different.

I was going to go both and then she said to me on the DL, she's wearing the sauna. She goes, we didn't hear your feelings if I didn't she said to me on the DL, she went in the sauna, she goes, we didn't hurt your feelings if I didn't want you to come on Sunday, and I said why? She was like, it's more like a different friend group, and I just want to be able to be myself. And I was like, really, and she goes in that? I don't have to explain why you're getting stopped.

And I was like, oh, because if you go somewhere, if we go somewhere, then it's a lot of like me stopping to take pictures and then she doesn't want, she doesn't want that to be the energy. She kind of knows a couple of the girls, but they're not super close and so she doesn't want to defend me or my existence. And they're like, what the fuck's up with this?

Oh, hi, everyone taking pictures and so, and then I was like, yeah, cool, just so you know, you don't go backstage. She was like, huh? And I was so great. Text me Jay. And I was like, no, you text me. Jay, fuck you. You want to meet five finger death punch? Fucking birds. The fucking paychecks got to show up. You think you want to meet the Metallica? You think they're going to bring this is birds to who the fuck's birth? The thing sure off. Okay. I got recognized by a homeless person the other day. That feels good. I'm fucking caught me off guard. I thought he was, I thought I've said it a couple times

though, but he goes, I thought I was getting robbed. Because we were at gelsons, I was at gelsons. I was put my bags in the back of my car. He started making a b-line to me. He's like, hey, the animal. Yeah. I was like, no. He's like, no, the fucking, the machine. And I go, yeah. He, he's like dude is this your galsons?

And I was like they used to be I used to live across the street and then I was like I just come here for their sea bass and he was like yeah I don't know anything about that. He's gonna get some money and I was like here's all the books Any homeless guy you give a hundred bucks. Have you recognized me in your home? Okay, that's cuz he recognized yeah, fuck yeah, I was getting the ball hundred bucks? If you recognize me in your home, let's get you a fucking paid out. Is he got it? Okay, that's because he recognized you. Yeah, fuck yeah, I was getting the $100 bucks for a whole car. I didn't know. I was like, well, that's very generous.

If you're a bartender and you recognize me, you get tipped easily, you get a hundred bucks no matter what you got. I've been doing a lot of charitable donations lately. No. Oh, I think I need it. Oh, no, I take that back. Fucking Hawaii. You did? Oh I think any oh No, I take that back fucking Hawaii you did yeah

What nothing what nothing I did but I don't know You don't believe they were real five no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,, so my name comes up to, and I was just found out how much the most person did, and then I went above that, and then I just said, my name was on top. Nothing. Like nothing, and I, a couple of them are followed on Instagram, and it's almost like you're doing this because you want the recognition. Almost like, yeah.

Yeah. Do you do anonymous on your go on me? No. I actually have, over real. I have, yeah. Yeah. Well, why? But you could also just not give and they go, Oh, that was me. Yeah. You could. You could. No. But I've also done, I mean, I've done anonymous and I have done like, I do. I definitely do. Like if it's a comic with a go fund me, my name's on there. I always do whatever the highest is. Any go

fund me, I go the highest, right? Yeah. Especially if I was drinking, I'd do that all the time. There's a couple of babies I've paid for in vitro for. Really? Yeah, a few. I got really into that for a period of time because it was like, because the people was shitting on them.

I've gotten by the way, I've got messages. People who are like, hey man, you don't know me, but could use a help right now. For for and they're like just not a good time If you want if you feel like sending me money, I'm like what the fuck dude can I tell you so crazy? Well you get Venmo requests Have you gotten Venmo requests? Yeah, yeah you get actual fucking Venmo requests that are like yo hang on I get them all the time your book I burq, I have $10,000. That's so crazy. And I'm like, you've gotta be out of your fucking mind, Venmo.

Look at this. Hector asks for 80, I have a lot of them. Hector asks for 80 to $5. Christina asks for 20, Pablo asks for 450. Just requests. Peter asks for 200. Mike asks for 25 Mike Center reminder that I owe that I he wants 25 Lauren Eperson wanted 750 Benjamin Boyle wanted a thousand okay Pablo again wants 450 dollars

Someone tried to sign in from a new device Pablo again said let's see why 450 dollars Pablo Guerrero, because I'm awesome. Cool. I have, look at this, this is all Venmo requests. Yeah, that's pretty crazy. This is all Venmo, look Tom. No, it's endless. It's endless, I know.

I've gotten, I've also gotten the, just a message from someone who's like, hey man, just to let you know, not a good week right now if you feel like sending me stuff, I'm like, what? And then their page is just, you know, he's at like six flags or something with his, I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about, man?

No, but the why I think, I donate to that. Yeah, you donate a lot. You did a big like, yeah. So we, you donate differently though. Like you come up with an idea, then you raise money. We raised, so we donated all the profit, which is a product.

You got it, you got it, you got it. No, it's fine. The profit was 37,000 and change. And then I matched it. So we donated 75,000. But where does it go? Here's my problem. And I mean this candidly,

and I say this to anyone who's starting a GoFundMe or a fucking thing, is that I just need to be very clear with where my money's going because I see, and I know there's sharks out there that once they see that, they go real quick, set up a, like there's people. Oh, always,'s always yeah this one was that is that's why I was that I was I was go funding people because like it would be shared through a

surfer that I knew yeah his family needs help and I I've been I just this one was like the guy I forgot to say it I'm a howley I don't know what I'm saying, but it was the Kahalo, Ohani fun, something like that. And then they do a donation match organization. So it's actually the 75 is worth 150,000. Because they're really, yeah. So what is, here's my question. I was high shit and I DM the rock. Yeah

I was like hey man if you're doing anything for why let me know I'd love to help out like thinking He's putting together like a show or something. Yeah, yeah, and then And then immediately I was like oh, I bet if he needs a comedian he'll get Kevin Hart He probably said the cab but Kevin just tore his abductors What he tore his abdominal like his abductors and everything, doing a 40-yard dash. Are you serious? Yeah. You can do that. He's in a wheelchair. Yeah. Are you serious? Huh? Yeah, my God. Yeah, he's fucked up. How the fuck did he do? Is there, there's got to be video of him doing it, right? There probably is, but there's a better thing to watch as him, yeah, in that video.

It's probably on his Instagram, yeah, that video. I think it's on his Instagram where he just tells you how he did it, but I got tagged in it like 400,000 times because they're like, oh, someone's joining your club. It's yeah, that far right video there. Yeah. Can you hear this or no? You gotta use that. Here we go. It's yeah that far right video there. Yeah, can you hear this or no? Are you guys using? Yeah, well, is he a Muslim? Yep, you know, it's a little bad and sometimes somebody starts all about saying well It's bad Then gentlemen the age 40 is real

Tell my men women out there that 40 years old and above, it's not a game, respect that age. Respect that age, or that age will, will make you respect it. I was just forced to respect it. This is just public service announcement because I know people may see me out and I don't want you to be alarmed, but I'm in a wheelchair.

Yeah, I'm in a wheelchair. Why? Well, because I try to jump out there and do some young stuff Try to go out there and do some young some young man stuff and I was told to sit my ass down Shots out to Stephen widely. I'm gonna go and put this story out there before you do man Stephen we got until a little debate This debate was based off of who was faster those that know me know I'm pretty fast Steve said Kevin. No way you gonna beat me. Steve and his ex and if I run him back play for me with patrons

Very good guy. What the fuck was he thinking better? He said bet. I said bet we get out there. We go run the 40-year-old dash 40-year-old dash Guys I blew all my shit. Oh, Torre my lower abdomen, my abductors, or Torre, I don't even know what that is, but I tore them. I tore those two. I can't walk. Yeah.

He can't walk. Sit my hands down. All right. Oh, fuck, dude. Yeah. That, I know, is fucking not good. I know. It sucks. It sucks's a can't fucking walk

I mean that's just that type of thing. You're just gonna like rest to recover from you know, but yeah, like you go You know the adrenaline of probably racing that dude. Yeah, you're racing an NF former NFL running back on 40 It's crazy. That's what he's 44 Kevin horse for any very photo than Kevin Hart. Uh, we're born the same year. Really? Yeah. I don't know. Wow. Kevin fucking hard towards abducted that's the we were doing bench the other day. And I was not paying attention. And I left I forgot to remove weight from one side. Oh, so and I fucking felt a twinge in my tit.

And I was like, ooh, and so I haven't been doing bench because I was like, it's not worth getting hurt. It's definitely not worth getting hurt. It's not worth getting hurt. The thing that most people get hurt with bench is they go have your other shoulders. Oh, I have pretty fucking amazing shoulders. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I have pretty, especially with a spray tan. Dude, you're gonna look, when you skate a spray tan, you're gonna look at your biceps and go, because you ever, like ripped biceps, you're gonna look, when you skate a spray tan, you're gonna look at your biceps and go, cuz you ever ripped biceps. You're gonna be like, fuck it tan all the time. I wouldn't be shocked if you just did your arms like long gloves. You think you could kill a deer with your hands?

No. I think I got an upset. Just let you go. I got on the back and choking out, no. I think I could kill a dog, yes yes, probably not great day, though. What about people? Like a fired up people? I got good.

You do? Yeah, I think I could take a pit bull. I think I could take, I bet I could kill a pig. Oh yeah, pigs. I bet I mean a wild boar. I could kill a wild boar. I think so with your hands. I think I'd have to fight back.

I think my adrenaline, once I got in the moment, my adrenaline would take over, and I'd fucking kill a boar. I could kill. That might be the most impressive one, if you can kill it. You could do bare hands, I bet you could. I bet you definitely could. Go ahead to head with a boar, you just fucking,

adrenaline kicks over, and then all the sudden, you're in game mode, just choking out a fucking bo fucking bore. You see that it's not the same thing obviously that bull at that carnival of the rodeo thing where there's like four people standing around and the bull just walks out of the gate just like faces the woman. It's women right? It's well he just I it's, well, he just, it's one woman, and it just runs towards the woman, and she just stands there, and it hits her into fucking next week, and then she just lays there. Like, I'm like, is she dead?

I don't know if she's dead. Have you seen, can you find that video? It's called Circular Death or something. It's so insane. It's, I've seen them do that. And the theory is, you gotta stand your ground. No, what is this? Just like, no, so this is a bull.

So it's a, yeah. Bull. Bull hits woman. Yeah, that's it. I'm like, I want to find out the, the, the, the fuck, oh this is a different angle. I haven't seen this angle. I haven't seen this angle.

Bro. They're just like, oh my God. Oh, there's another person. Oh wow, I was just, but if you find the, go back to the... Bro. Find the, go to the other end, because that's from the audience.

I haven't seen that angle before. There's more... Maybe this one where you can see it like really... N- Oh my God. Oh my God. Who thinks that this is gonna end well? Rednecks. Probably that's the one.

The one that she played, but from a different angle, you kind of really see that the bull just locked it and this person doesn't move. I want to know the follow-up. Like how is that person? Oh, they're really messed up. They have to be. They're really messed up. Like how is that person? Oh, they're really messed up. They have to be. They're really messed up. Like that.

They're there, they're there, go to that one. That's it. That is it actually. Yeah, that's the angle I was talking about. She's okay? No. Redneck woman, a resilient. Bro. I bet Lee ain't taking a whole.

Like she's like, this bull is just like how about why but does this say what that's front like can you can you see Where what it's from like where it was or no? I saw videos are such reminders though of what an animal can do to you I saw a video the other day of a guy that said He's like all right going on my going on my ride. None of my mates is best go well. And there's a disclaimer, don't ever ride your bike without your buddies. And he just goes maybe 10 seconds

and misses the ramp and gets fucking flung off. And then it's a shot of him unconscious, just going in a river. Through that shit. Have you seen the one of the guys on the jet ski where the guys, they're like hitting waves, they're like, yeah, yeah, wow, that's shit. I've, I've, you see the one of the guys on the jet ski, where the guys, they're like hitting waves, they're like, yeah, yeah, wow, that's a big one. And then the guy goes, whoa, look at him.

And then he drives over, he's like, oh, fuck. And the guy's unconscious, upside down on the water. And he just split his chin open. Dude, that's the thing. His tragedy is always a second away from you. Always. Always. Always.

And that's the thing that keeps me up at night where you go, one second, you're cutting your toenails on your glass coffee table, next thing you know, you're bleeding out of your fucking thigh. Yeah. And you're fucking dying. Yeah, I don't want to go out like that. How do you want to go out?

I've been thinking about this a lot. I kind of want to go out instantaneously. Like airplane crash, because I think this isn't going to happen. Right. Like airplane crash wouldn't be bad. I wouldn't, I don't want to get shot, because then you're like, what the fuck was that? Oh, wait. If you get shot in the head or something,

from behind, like where you don't even see it, you're like, shut up. Is there some of them? Like good fellas. Yeah. I got peshy. I don't want to get stabbed. What the? Yeah. Being, I think attacked by a shark, will be pretty bad ass. Like a good way to go, because you're like, here we go. And then you think you could fight it off for a second

and then there's a second, we're like, fuck it, I'm just gonna go inside him. Yeah. I don't wanna end this, I don't wanna end this quick. Is she, okay. Yeah. Bro, look at this. Last one, last one.

This one, last one. And then you can see the real. And look at that. That follow That follow up like she's okay. It's like really? Get out of the arena. Get out of the arena. They're like, this was a bad idea. Everyone leave.

Do you think Bill Cosby watches that video and he's like, God, no one's gonna do anything to her? Hahaha. She's fucking right. Look at that. She got knocked unconscious from whiplash. Bro. Cause her head didn't hit anything. She got hit knocked unconscious from her brain shaking in her head. We have to find out what is the aftermath of this? Like, I'm so...

I'm so... I'm so curious to like, what that damage is like. Cause if you tell me, whoa, she died, I'm so curious to like, what that damage is like. Cause if you tell me, whoa, she died, I believe you. Yeah. If you tell me she's like not able to speak again, I believe you. It's almost like unbelievable if she actually is. No, like I just, it was just a bit of a little bump. Foof.

Ring of fire. Cowboy poker, cowboy poker. Will it struck by, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that was it that was it Is now this might be a different that's probably a different one. Yeah, it's a different one Yeah, no, thank you. I don't fuck with bulls once I got my all-boy by bowl. I was like yeah, I got my all-boy bull her bird Yeah, who's the fuck it's the dumbest thing I've ever done in my entire life. Did it hit you on your side? Hit me on the side, broke my ribs, stepped on my foot, broke my foot, and then I tried to get out and I was like, how do we get out of here?

And I went right to the, they were one thing they said, they go, don't go to the fence. I went right to the fucking fence. And I was like, and then it, and then it paid pass by me, like, missed me by seconds. I think of how many stupid fucking things I did that I almost didn't die, but I almost died, but I didn't die in. And then I think about my career now, and I go, why didn't I just focus on stand up?

Yeah. Like, what was it about me that needed to accept jobs that were dangerous as fucking shit? Because it felt like, well, I didn't just feel like it was some stability. It's low-subility. It's low-sub didn't just feel like it was some stability. It's low stability. It's low, it's low stability. No, but it was some stability.

And it was at the time more, more money, like you had a regular check coming in, more than you can make to a standup at the time. Yeah, more than I can make to a standup, but you never took those jobs. I don't think I was offered those jobs. But would you have taken them? Depends on like the year and the time it was happening, you know?

Yeah. There's certain times I probably would have jumped on that and then there's times that you go, oh no. Do you feel that when you're racing, do you get nervous and scared when you're racing the car? Yeah, sometimes. And do you have the ability, do you have the ability to ignore the pussy muscle and just fucking go for it?

Well, that's the thing is you get more confident the more you do it. So even like when your first lap is usually really slow, that's really slow, but relatively. And then what happens is the more you drive in a certain car, you get to know the capabilities. You start figuring out how far you can push it. So you know, once you've done a few and you're like,

oh, actually, I'm riding this thing at like a six. I could take it up to a 10 right now for this term, but you don't know that right away. But yeah, you have like, you have butterflies. Okay, so you've hung out with, let's do, I'm curious, because I feel like now that I've been drinking, I say when I hang out with certain people, I'm noticing different things.

I'm a little more present when you've always been sober. When you hang out with Daniel Riccardo, is there a part of him where you sense the fucking lunatic that has to reside inside him? A little bit, yeah. Like what does he do where he's like, when he's like just, he's like just use your fingers man, or like.

Oh, I think it's just that he's so, it's like the way that like nephew is comfortable fishing is how he views anything with a motor. So he doesn't, like he's so, it's so second nature to him that like, he was driving a Polaris, you know what that is? Like an open air buggy. Okay.

He was driving it drifting on dirt tracks on a ranch. Like going sideways, like fucking fast as shit in it where you're like, oh, this is most people would be like, like in those. Right? Most people would be like slow down, take it easy. He's drifting, like doing it sideways, down these dirt things in a wrench.

And everyone's holding on like this. But I also go like, oh, he's, I don't feel like I'm in danger. Most people, I'd be like, we're going to die if you do this. Yeah. Because he's so proficient. Yeah. Okay. So here's the question then. So I'm obsessed with this. I'm obsessed with scoping out new things and see how it relates to stand up. I feel like what I've done with stand up is I've done, I've done, I've done this, I feel like I haven't really branched out and done too much different than what I do, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I feel like I'm in a place where I go, I want to try newer things. I have a bit that I'm working on that's a little out of my comfort zone. Yeah. But I've been watching other great people at what they do and trying to acknowledge

how I can make, how I can find an equivalent or at least see a connection. Yeah. For instance, I talked about him in the lot, but that guy, Corey Henry, that I went to a show last night. He told jazz musician, he played, he opened the show with amazing grace. I've never heard a rendition. I actually text him and I said, you have to play that at my funeral. It's, it was so fucking good. It was, but like that. But I watched him and I went, when he plays a song, he'll take you here, like, and then go, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and then bring it slow. And he'll play with it. And I was like, I don't know if I'd do that and stand up

with racing or with fighting. When you watch, did you watch Sugar General Malley? Yeah, I saw highlights of it. I didn't watch the fight. But when I watched him, I said, wow, that's a guy who really knows how to take his time. Like, not and not go for it. Like, it allows the moment to play out,

because that first round was as boring as watching me and they have fuck. And so, and but he took his time and he didn't force the crowd who was fucking chanting to dictate his energy, went, no, no, no, no, no, I'll tell you how this goes. Yeah, yeah. And so like I'm watching everything as an art form

and trying to connect. So when you hang out with Jason Momoa and see him live, right? Cause I got lives weird. He, the thing I get that you pick up from him is that people say this about people, but then you go like, oh, this a real artist, meaning every, everything he does.

It is like, he just like has ideas and he's like, I wanna do this and it's about like how he wants to design this space. Then he walks over here and he's like, you know what, I need it's about like how he wants to design this space. Then he walks over here, and he's like, you know what, I need to make a shirt that has like this type of fabric, and like, that's an idea. I wanna do a movie like this,

and then he's like, cameras. He's like, it really into photography. Everything is art to that. He's a real like genuine artist. Yeah. So that's what I picked up from him is that you can actually do art in anything, you know? Like, that's, you're hanging out with an artist,

makes you feel more artistic. Yeah, I wanna hang out with more artists. It's good for you. I would, my thing was for you. It's my big thing was I wanna be introduced to shit I haven't seen. Yeah. Like, because I think the energy of artists

is really great to be around. Because I'll tell you, like the energy of like, there's like finance people is a very specific energy that doesn't promote those same feelings. That's like art, you know what I mean? It kind of shuts you down, I feel like. If you're hanging around like business people, you're like, okay, it's a different vibe.

You get around artists and you start to feel different. Okay. You wanna be around it. Let's break down. Do you believe? Do you believe that a construction worker is an artist? Well, I mean, that's kind of, you could, it's like a philosophical question and like I, I get how you can answer it as like I'm trying to say like where does art end? This is a way too, Heddy, Vikhan. She was going to join up for this conversation.

But where does art end? Because when you say business man, yeah, I shut down with business man. And I actually get lost and I stop listening. Sure. And then I go, I do not understand you, I do not get you. They're not artists. No.

No. But when you meet an artist, you go, like, it's interesting to see the way they, everything's kind of a yes. Yeah, everything is an idea worth exploring to artists. Yeah. You know, it's like I had lunch yesterday with an artist who a writer, but I'm saying like it's just like the energy of being around this guy was just awesome. And then like I bounce, I bounce this idea.

And then he immediately, this is the fun part. It's like it's like when you're talking stand up bits with a comic and they go, what about this and what about this? He immediately was like, okay, what about this part of the story, what about this character? Like, he started to elevate the thing I was telling him and I was like, oh, this is fun, it's exciting. You start to get like your creative juices going

and like, let's talk about this more. I'm reading a book on Johnny Carson right now. Yeah. It's fucking awesome. I didn't realize what a shit show he was. Yeah. Like real shit show, complete total alcoholic. Yeah, like real fucking great tennis player.

Yeah. Great tennis player, but like horrible with women, him and his mom didn't have a relationship. Like just like he didn't have a relationship with his kids. It's really fascinating. I like him. Horrible with money, horrible with money. Really?

He was getting paid $600 an episode on the tonight show before it popped. Cause he just, he just let someone run his contract and they go defer payment, not a big deal. And yeah, we'll get the money later. And then he got, and then he got a lawyer, like this lawyer, a pushkin or a rushkin or whatever his name is. And this lawyer fucking was, came in and was like, you're getting fucked.

They have the Johnny Lice Carson line of clothing. And you're not, you don't own it. Like you're just, you're being paid as a model. You're, manage your own, that clothing company own, is like, I was like, that sounds like me. That sounds like me. A lot of Johnny Carson sounds like me. Yeah. All I'm doing is looking at when his liver failed. Is that me? 82, nice.

Somebody, so many people hit me up about your liver draining procedure. And here's the thing that I fucked up. I didn't realize that I said that it was in Belgium. Everyone was like, what the fuck? And then you tell me it was bellfast, which made sense. Northern Ireland has first of all, top of the line. You know, that's the number one thing good about me is bird christier liver drainage. And then the next thing was bird christier's foot. Because apparently, I guess you said

I had my foot got amputated. And then bird christier kidneys. And then, and then I had to get in front of it and be like bench 225 pounds. And then it was like bird christier's weight lifting regimen. Yeah, I was like fucking thank God, especially with the liver. I fucked a dog just to get that out of my fucking feed. Yeah. You know the big one, I told you the big one. What's that? I mean, I hate to bring drama to her, but Terran Manning. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Man. She was licking someone's

butthole. She was dating. She was dating a married dude and she went on Instagram. Not oddly enough, I filed a tarymanning, I'm a fan of tarymannings. And so I- I thought I was watching a bit with how she was saying everything. I was like, is this a character? She's like, yeah, and I like this butthole

because he liked it. I think he was finger me on the ride to Newport and I was like, all shit I'm into. Yeah. And then she's like, and Leanne can fucking suck my tit. And he's like, what? What? Oh, Leanne, such a bitch.

Fuck you, Leanne. Your husband likes his buttolecht. And I was like, I was like, easy, Darren. I don't even do it. And I'm like, you shut your fucking mouth. Shut up. Keep it on the DL woman. But Jesus Christ. I just wanted you to buy me a boat. Yeah, I went to buy him a boat.

She'd be a fun chick to party with. Oh yeah. She gets excited. There's a lot of those Hollywood starlets that I fucking bet would be fun as fucked up part. I wouldn't mind being around Drew Barrymore when she fell off the wagon and started to break the white wine again. That'd be great. Was that recent? No, no being around Drew Barrymore when she fell off the wagon and started drinking white wine again.

That'd be great. Was that recent? No, no, no, I think she's been on the wagon since she was 13. Oh, yeah. Well then when was she? Well, I don't know when she does hit me up, Drew. Fucking, I would like to be with Gwen and Paltrow and Coke. Yeah.

Like, cause you know she has crazy ideas. Get a quit, Paltrow. Gwen and Paltrow and Coke would be fun just like like or maybe just like a like mushrooms Yeah, sober one. It's no no fun. I don't yeah, I don't want to be brushed in a fucking sauna now, but like mushrooms Jenna or so sandwich wise I Haven't I bred a month really I've had a bread I had a carb in a month. Really? I haven't had bread. I haven't had a carb in a month. What's your go-to sandwich?

Italian? Yeah. When you do Italian. If you said Italian, I was thinking Italian. When you put dressing and mayo. This is like talking to a sober person about the whole partying days. I don't know if you're talking to a sober person about the whole party days. I don't know if you're supposed to do this

for someone's keto. Okay. What's your favorite pasta? Bro. Come on. Do you have one? Or are you kidding me? I'm like, I think I've got a gated.

What is he like sexually? Do you have a number one? Yeah. What is it? Carbonara. Without a doubt, without a fucking doubt, without a fucking doubt, with the pasta noodles that have the little keel being distracted by your tan.

I'm serious. It's pretty aggressive. Yeah, I'm like, it's really... I wore a jersey last night at Corey Henry's show just because I was so tan. And my arms were fucking great in it. And I was was like and it was a light blue hornets jersey and it was I just looked fucking amazing nice I looked so fucking cute but I did look like a I looked like a 17 year old kid who was it show at the fucking Hollywood cemetery. Cemetery? Have you ever been there? No, dude.

I actually was sitting in there. I was, I was a little high. And I was, I was blown away at how beautiful. It's the forever cemetery and the Hollywood, whatever. And it's a gorgeous. He's there tonight. He's doing a show tonight. If you wanna go, I can get you tickets.

He's supposed to stop by and say, I don't know, yeah, but it's a beautiful, gorgeous, forever cemetery, but like go to the... The Masonic Lodge. Masonic Lodge. Yeah, the Masonic Lodge. And so it's a Masonic Lodge and it's fucking beautiful. It's very intimate and he played the piano

and it was just like what, like you feel like a grown up watching good music, you know? Yeah. I'm not feel like a grown up watching Metallica. I'm going to feel like a child fucking head banging and sneaking of eight pen next to my daughter. Bando horses played there.

I love Bando horses. But yeah, I uh, uh, I wore a, I wore a jersey with my arms sewn. Just look fucking sick. So good. Yeah, I look so good. Like see the flaw on my tit right there? When I'm spray-tanned, you can't even see it. It just looks like fucking great tits.

You got me convinced to try it. I'm gonna try it. You gotta try it. I'm telling you, I'm gonna set you up with my girl. Okay. And she is so good. She does, and I wear a thong, because that's the sexiest part,

is when you see your own tan lines, and you get, because you get caught off guard, you're like, fuck, I was swimming in the Sand tropeys, or whatever, I don't even know.

Okay. Okay, let's think of other things we could do for the live show. There will be fun. Okay. I want it, I would love to kill a pig. Okay. I would love to kill a pig. Okay. I would love to go ha go hot. We could do Florida shit. Oh, you have to do.

Robin chado hit me up. We have to go surfing in Waco. That I'd love to do. That's a certain thing. He hit me up. He's like, yo, don't talk shit and say we're planning a trip when we haven't even fucking planned the goddamn trip. He's like fucking getting cold feet. Let's go surfing. So I'm in Houston and Dallas in September. Can you see it? Find out So I'm in Houston and Dallas in September. Can you see, find out when I'm in Houston and Dallas? Let's make it happen then. Okay. Let's make it happen then.

Can you find out when I'm in Houston and Dallas? On the top soft world tour, here we go. Scroll down. Let's do it. Nope, keep going. Yes, scroll, scroll, scroll. There's Dallas. Oh, the Toyota center.

And yeah, September 23rd and 24th. American Airlines. So yeah, so September, are you in town around the 20th of the center and yeah September 23rd and 24 American Airlines So yeah, so September are you in town around the 20? I am but like I know that Monday is the 25th and I have to do something What do you have to do my mom's in town? Bring her wayco it's her birthday. Oh, dude surprise party What about that Tuesday that I could probably do okay? It's their birthday. Oh, dude, surprise party. What about that Tuesday? That I could probably do. Okay, I'm gonna hit a Broadway charter right now.

We're gonna go back Tuesday. What day does that, the 26th? Oh, that works out perfect for me, Tom. Yeah, because I'm going to money and I football at the bucks on the money and I football on the bucks, on the 25th of my back to Texas. It's in Tampa. In Tampa. I'll fly back to Texas on Tuesday 25th. Off my back to Texas. It's a in Tampa. In Tampa.

Off my back to Texas on Tuesday. We'll go surfing Tuesday or Wednesday. Tuesday or Wednesday and then I go to Fresno on the 28th. That's fucking perfect. So come on, September. Yeah, doing the 27th Wednesday we even better. Let's do the 27th. I'm texting Robin and Charlie.

I can commit to that. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it Let's see Let's see fuck me fuck me. I hate that I can't see anything. Get me to that. We're glasses all the time I'd rather have lost your vision or your sight Vision or my sight like like Would you rather lose your vision or your hearing like is to get older? Well, which one would you rather to go first? Probably hearing dude Vision's really rough to lose. I forget, man, I forget

about this fucking podcast is that you say something about someone and they hear it. Yeah, they do. Like, Gwyneth Paltrow's going to be like, no, dude, I have so many mushrooms. Really? Do you want some? Maybe. You know they're from? No. Joey Diaz. He has... Hey, you bring me over some Joey's mushrooms? I don't know if we're allowed to talk about this. Sure. Okay, whatever. Joey makes mushrooms. He does?

Yeah. What did I say September 27th? Yeah. I just texted him. Yeah, Joey's got, he sent me a fucking, he sent me like 15 pounds of weed and a cult load of mushrooms. He did?

Dude, do you need weed for your stay here? No, I have so much weed. I'm good, I'm good. It's amazing. Uh, it's the chocolate bars. Yeah, where's the chocolate bars? Fuck, you know, you put things away these days and shit goes,

Chocolate bars mushrooms? Yeah, you just take it one little square and they're fucking amazing. They are. We've had a problem with them over here. How long does it last? Not that long. Four hours.

Yeah. Technically too, because like technically too, but we can't find them. We'll find them for the way out. So, okay, so let's talk about so we go surfing. We'll go surfing. We go hog hunting. Those are two really great episodes of things into putting a live show. When we do in the live show.

I think we should do one, we can either do one, I can't do it this year. Then we can do it. Or should we do one this year? I said we do one this year, and then I said we do one at the end of the beginning of the next year. You wanna do like a holiday season one? Yeah. Oh yeah, we should do a Christmas one. You could do that. We'll do a Christmas one and then we'll do one like for Valentine's Day

or something like that. Yeah, I love those live shows. There's so much more fun. There you are. Shut up. Oh wait, save him. Save him. Let's uh, yeah, we should wrap this up. Wrap it up. Uh, did, did Cory ever come by? In a minute or two. Oh, okay. Oh, stop. I've heard whatever fucking. Okay. Yeah, whatever. Let's say a quick, well, let's say a break and then take a break. We'll do another one of these. Yeah, let's do it. Um, does there anything we forgot to talk about? I mean, we didn't land on what we could kill totally, but I think we're going to get there. I think we're going to go hog hunting. Hog hunting. You didn't sort of your favorite sandwich.

Hold on, let's wrap this up. Hog hunting, surfing with raw munchato. And then I say we, it's for sandwiches. The sandwich that will break my fast. Yeah. Italian, lots of drizzle on it. I need peppers of all different types and I need double the meat and I need I need to I need to sit in the back seat for like an extra 30 minutes to get a little soggy. So a little soggy. Yeah

Yeah, no, it's exciting. All right. I think we'll celebrate soon. Let's celebrate with the sandwich. Okay. Let's do it. All right. I love you. I love you too Bert time time and Bert one goes top the swath the other wears a shirt Okay, let's do it. Alright, I love you. I love you too. Bird. Time. Time and bird. One goes top and swath the other. Where's the shirt? Time tells stories and birds. The machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep the clean.

Here's what we call. Two bears one cake. you