2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Bert Calls His Dead Grandma | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: September 15, 2025

SPONSORS: - Head to https://acorns.com/BEARS or download the Acorns app to get started. - Upgrade your wardrobe and save on @trueclassic at https://trueclassic.com/BEARS! #trueclassicpod - Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at https://shopify.com/bears. - Order a bottle of Por Osos and some killer merch online https://drinkporosos.com Hey look, it's your favorite podcast hosts, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer! This week in the cave Bert kicks things off with a brand-new joke he swears is the best thing he’s ever written, before diving into an emotional (and hilarious) story about his late bull mastiff, and the wild twist involving the family dog's long-lost sister. From there, the Bears riff on straight cat dads, Bert’s “sleep divorce,” VR porn addictions, childhood prank calls, and even the lost art of memorizing phone numbers. Bert even calls his dead grandma and chit chats with scam caller live on air. The episode only gets wilder as Tom and Bert review real OnlyFans submissions from fans, debate who should be the first official “2 Bears OF star,” and spiral into some truly insane pitches that only these two maniacs could come up with. Plus: speech impediments, Elmer Fudd racism, trolling stories, gambling breakdowns from NFL Week 1, and Bert trying to recruit Zac Efron into a shirtless golf fantasy with their new NIL athlete. This might just be the best episode of this show in a long ass time, don’t miss it. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 306 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:01:41 - Dogs & Cats 00:08:59 - VR Corn 00:17:30 - Memorizing Geography 00:23:24 - Memorizing Phone Numbers 00:31:35 - Prank Calls 00:37:59 - We Got Some OF Prospects 00:49:50 - Speech Impediments 00:53:45 - NFL Week 1 Gambling 00:59:51 - Bert Wants To Adopt Athletes Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

100% Cheers All right, welcome to another episode of Two Bears One Cave. It's your favorite podcasters. Tom and Bert. So

how are you feeling today? Is your self-esteem up? My self-esteem is through the roof, Tommy. Wow, that's great, man. And why is that? I have a job. joke that I've written, that it happened to me. And you know, you're the one that kind of created the joke. Really? Yeah, I have two jokes about you in my new hour. Oh, boy. I have two jokes about you. But this one's my favorite one. And it's so good, Tom. It's better than anything I've ever

written because the punchline is just two words. And I don't need to say anything other than I'm so proud of this joke. I'm so proud of this joke. I'm excited to see it. So the only reason I fucking love stand-up. I don't love anything the way I love stand-up. The feeling only us, meaning like me, you, uh, Louis, Stanhope, Rogan, uh, Shane, uh, you know, all, we only us, real true, pure stand-ups know the joy in figuring something out and making it funny and then tweaking it to make it more funny. It is the fucking greatest. I- It's the most, uh, addictive component of doing stand-up. It's why you can't quit.

It's because you just, there is no thrill like figuring out a joke. It is the most fun. It's better than a phone call from my daughter. Can I tell you the craziest, I'll tell you the craziest story, Tom? Yeah.

Okay. And I'm not going to get emotional at all, but this is a wild, wild story. So, you know, we put Mack down, our bull mastiff when we were, in Hawaii. Oh, shit.

I didn't know that, dude. Oh, yeah. We, uh, he had cancer. Um, he lasted through the whole time of me filming this, the series. We get home. We take one quick trip to Hawaii and he goes into the hospital and they're like, it's not going to be good. It's not good.

He's not coming out. I mean, there's so much to this that I'm not telling and that, you know, Pete, my old assistant Pete had to go and be with Mack when they put him down and hold it on FaceTime. for us in Hawaii, Tom, it was brutal. It was brutal. And, uh, I mean, and, and it was crazy as, as much as I told the story about putting down Priscilla, I relived that to a T, Tom, to a, I relived all of the anger and frustration and then the second Mac starts, like, his breathing slowed down, I just started

fucking dumping. It was crazy. Anyway, so we put Mac down. Georgia, everyone goes back to normal. I think, I really think we need another dog because Izzy's super sad. But I get a call from Georgia or a text from Georgia the other day. It's actually Leanne and Georgia. Georgia texts Leanne.

George is at work. I'm sorry, I'm fucking this up. Georgia's at work. She's a bartender and waitress. She goes over to a table to wait on the table and the lady has a bull mastiff. And Georgia gets a little emotional. And she goes, wow, we just, we have bull mastic. And the lady said, really? And she goes, yeah. And Georgia goes, we just had to put our big guy down.

And she goes, where did you get your bull mastiff? And Georgia goes, Arizona. She goes, do you know the name of the kennel? And Georgia goes, I don't. She goes, is it desert sky? And George goes, as a matter of fact, it is desert sky. She goes, that's crazy. She goes, do you know the parents of the of your bull mastiff? She goes, I don't. So she calls up Leanne. She goes, mom, do you know Max's parents? She goes, It's Whalen and Loretta Lynn are the two parents. And Georgia goes over the lady and she goes, Waylon and Loretta Lynn and the lady freezes. She goes, how old was your dog?

Georgia goes, five. She looks down and she goes, this is Max's sister. It's our dog's sister. That lady had got our dog's sister. Now Georgia's looking at Max's sister, same litter, same parents. and Georgia just starts bawling and the lady's like you know I go out of town a lot

do you ever want a dog sit for me and Georgia's like are you fucking kidding I'll dog sit for free how crazy is that that is crazy in a totally different state in a totally different city that our dog's sister

would go to Georgia's restaurant and sit down and Georgia would wait on that table can you imagine if Georgia was dog sitting and she accidentally killed this dog how traumatic that would be for her you know like she she forgot that the leash was in the car or something and went driving and just drug that dog to death wouldn't that be nuts dude

i told georgie you should go kidnap that dog yeah just go steal it dude that would be crazy that is i'm sure that fucked her up emotionally i did and the dog looks just like mac but brindle Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Do you guys have dogs still? We gave the dog that we had to my mom because my youngest has a high allergic reaction to dogs. And he has a let, he's allergic because of much lower reaction to cats. Never had a cat.

We got this cat. And it's the fucking best cat that I've ever been around in my life because he acts like a fucking dog. He is amazing. This dog is amazing. or excuse me, this cat is fantastic. I love it. What did you name the cat? They named it Munchkin.

So it's... They named it. Yeah. They named it. It's orange. Dude has like just the best disposition. He's so fucking cool. He just lounges.

He likes to be picked up and carried. Sits on your lap. Like he's just, he's awesome. I never have ever had a cat. We have cats. When we have cats in our house, I've never, I'm allergic to cats. I can't be around cats. Yeah, I have to take daily.

medicine for it. But yeah, I'm allergic. Do you really? Yeah, but also, I guess this is like somewhat recent. You know, the reason people are allergic to cats or like what gets, you know, the allergic reaction in a human being is what is in the cat's saliva. So now you, you just feed it a certain type of food and it reduces those allergens by like 80%. So as long as you have it eating this type of food, it's producing less allergens. Oh, I've been letting these cats. suck my dick. That must be what it is. That's probably what it is. Yeah. If they lick your dick and your balls, then you're probably going to get

I get itchy down there. Hives. I get hives. I get my dick. I can't even It's like worse than herpes. You got to stop letting your cat blow you. Yeah. For sure. Yeah. What percentage of men do you think have cats? What percentage? Straight men. Like single men? Google it. What percentage of straight men

have cats? Right now a bunch of listeners are going, hold on. I have a fucking cat. There's a lot more than you think. No. For sure. What percentage of, straight men have cats? 52%. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Men that are more likely to own cats

than women globally. 52 to 48, that's a broad statistic, it says. More men adopt adult cats in the UK, 27% adopt a cat compared to 18% of women. Yeah. So while you're trying to call the world's cat owner is gay,

the statistics show that straight men also live. Yeah, they just they still love cats. Why do you get a cat? I mean, like think, think through it. What do you get a cat for? Well, one of the reasons I think that people probably is they know that cats just need less attention than a dog. So if you're like, I want a companion, I want a pet, but I'm, you know, I can't do the daily.

I can't, you know, you can leave a cat for whatever. I don't know, six months with just some, with just some food and a little. box and it's just like I'm chilling dude you know you can leave it yeah a couple years you can just leave it it'll still be like what's up dude yeah I don't know but it's clearly a thing where people it's lower maintenance they're less maintenance yeah I haven't seen our cat and I haven't seen our cat our cat lives upstairs you do you never go upstairs I don't know because it's it's an allergy haven up there so you just stay on the ground floor I stay on the ground floor Leanne lives upstairs. I live downstairs.

Oh, this is good. How's that going? It's going great. It's really great. Except we got to fight this morning because I dropped all the ACs. She has to use the downstairs. I can't just get it all to myself. If I just had the upstairs, it would be better because I could keep it the way. I had the upstairs for a while in our sleep divorce. I had the upstairs. I had the screening room.

What's the sleep divorce? We're in a sleep divorce. We don't sleep together anymore. Really? Yeah. This is because of your storm? Yeah, by snoring. Okay. And so,

I snoring and throwing up in my throat while I sleep. It's a lot of things. Listening to podcasts. You know, I have a specific way. Is the CPAP working or no? I don't believe in those. So, uh, do you have one? No.

Okay, exactly. So, uh, okay. Yeah. So, uh, so I had the upstairs for a while. And I, dude, no girls are gone. I got a, I got a balcony. I got a, I slept in the screening room. I turned on a fucking documentary.

You slept in your screening room? I slept in my screen. I loved it. I loved it. Make it nice and cold? 66. That's nice. With a blanket?

Oh, blank. What I did is I got two comforters, 10 pillows. And I just made myself like a, like a job of the hut layer. Like just kind of awesome. Just fucking, yeah. A jack off whenever the fuck I wanted. I'd hear her coming upstairs. Yeah, it's like being in high school.

Yeah. cool. It was awesome. Did you put on porn in the screening room? I've never watched porn in the screening room. Yeah, I never did that either. I know, you think I would have by now. I definitely think you would have. You know what I'd like to do? I'd like to get those goggles and watch porn that way. The VR stuff? Fuck. It's the best experience I've ever had in regard. Yeah. Well, I said I wanted one. I was like, oh, they seem cool. I just wanted to watch porn on it. And then I got it. And I was like, oh, these games are cool. but I was also downloading, you know, porn.

And I could see, if I had been given that 10 to 15 years prior, I'd have a different life right now. Yeah. And I don't think it'd be a productive one. No. I think, and if you gave me that at like 16, my life would be over. It would be just be over. I tried it for like, I don't know, a couple months.

And I was watching, I was like, this is, because you know, like the male performer in it wears the camera. And then anywhere you look is live. And so you feel like you're in this room. And if there's like multiple people, you're just everywhere you look something. And it's all for you. It's a real mind fuck. Wait, how do I get one today?

Easy. What's it called? Oculus. Yeah. I have an Oculus, but I got an old. VR headset. Yeah, sure. The meta one, whatever.

Is 500? How much is it? 500 bucks Hey can Hey send Kyle to go buy one I want to try porn today Yeah it's really good I by the way I haven't

Touched that VR set In about a year Maybe a year in change Like I just didn't open it again Really? I just feel like it's yeah it's too much of a district Not because of the porn just It's so good

At like the games too The games are so fucking incredible that I realized I was in this I was going to be in this perpetual time suck if I was like really getting into it so I stopped using it can I tell you how to raise your boys sure because I think I think our future is fucked like when you look when you now you're telling me about this you're saying at 16 I would have Tom I didn't get to watch the first piece of pornography I ever saw. I was 15. And the first, and that was a magazine. The first porn I ever saw, I was 18. 18 was the first porno I ever saw. Damn, I was way ahead of you, bro. That's

Scapo Beer's house. It was with like 19 dudes. I was watching Spice Channel when I was like probably 10 and I didn't realize that it was at my neighbor my neighbor's house his dad had ordered it and so we like we're in the basement we're watching it kind of jerking off without him paying it to you know like next

to him like and then I thought I was like oh that's I thought I'd seen hard I didn't realize that wasn't hardcore no that was just and then I went to Peru and I'm staying in my aunt and uncle's house with my cousins I have three male cousins and

they're like, I'm 13, and then one's 13, one's 15, and one's like 17. And the oldest one, he brings a tape in, like a VHS tape. And he goes, oh, you're home today? Like, you're just staying in here. I got, you know, watch this. And I was like, oh, I've seen stuff. He goes, you never seen shit like this. And I was like, yeah, I have.

He goes, no, you haven't. And I was like, okay. And then I put it in. And it was like a four hour, like, you know, like just scene after scene of hardcore. I was 13 or 14. And I think I jerked off eight times. I got sick. I got like,

I got a fever. I got really sick. I was like, I was like, I'm hungry, but I have a fever. And I was, it was overwhelming to my system. If you've given me a VR headset at that time, I probably would have commenced suicide, dude.

Like, it was overwhelming. It definitely changed my. brain mapping. It fucked me up. I don't recommend it for a young team. I just have a visual of you just holding your right hand back. Like, stop. I couldn't stop.

I couldn't stop. I really couldn't stop. Oh, God. I want to say they called a doctor for me. But yeah, it was bad. It was bad. Then he came back. He's like, you like, you like that shit?

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32 okay so like he doesn't so this is the number one thing number one thing is if they drive their phones in their hand they're like this they don't have a sense of direction like Pete who's lived in L.A. now for four years could not get to his house from our office without pulling up Google Maps like they have no sense of direction. I said to Kyle, I said, we pulled out of our house and I go, how would I get to the 101 right now? Just real quick, Kyle, what would be the best bet to get to the 101? And he goes, I have no idea where it is. I go, hold on, you live here. You've lived here for two years, three years. Where's the 101? And he goes, I have no idea. I go, I go, where's the 405? He goes, I couldn't tell you. He was like, I don't even know where I am. Now, I understand that a little bit.

Like, because remember I told you in Tallahassee, I thought east and west was north and south the whole time I lived in Tallahassee. Because for whatever reason, I thought, I knew the 10 went east west and I knew you got off on Tennessee Street and you took Tennessee or 60 or whatever it is all the way into the city. And I knew the 10 was east west. So I assumed that the Tennessee was north-south for seven, honestly for probably 25 years, my whole life. and then my recent trip I found out that the that Tennessee goes east-west and you catch it at a little portion of the 10 where the 10 goes north to get you know yeah so it blew blew me away but right now I'm telling Kyle like you can't you got to learn what a direction like what he doesn't understand he was I was like we had to go to do a podcast with philip lee and um and neem the other day yeah and we

were in like we were in encino and he was like all right so we're going to get into the mountains first and i was like mountains he was like yeah we got to go in the mountains and then we're going through a valley i think i go we're driving through the valley and he was like i don't know is that it i was like really he just they don't everything is life exists for them right i remember i remember that like early on this one like the first fights where i was like what's this bitch talking about with Christina when I was dating her, and she was living in Pasadena. And I was like, how do I get there again? She was like, how do you not fucking know this?

I was like, bitch, you are in a part of town I don't go to. What are you fucking talking about? Right? Like, I didn't know. I never went to Pasadena. I was like, get your shit together and come to L.A. You live in Pasadena. And I didn't know the 134 and the 210.

And I asked her like three times. And she was like, how the fuck do you not? know this shit. I was like, what? Yeah. What? Wait, how well do you know? How well do you know Austin? Terribly. But I'll, but I have like a somewhat explicable reason, which is if you take the four years and change that I've lived here, I have been gone, gone from the city that I reside in for like more than two thirds of those days. You know what I mean? Like I've been on world

tours and like all these other things so no i don't think i have a good idea of of the geography of austin at all but like last week when i was home for like five days in a row every day i would go from the house to the gym without directions and then from the gym to my office without directions so like there's things that you just kind of map in right to your memory because you start repeating the movements but one thing i'm terrible at honestly is the reference to the names of our highways. Like, I have L.A. pretty down. You know what I mean?

Like, that was a long time there. And it is a process of, like, at first, I only fucking knew. I always thought everything was the 101. I was like, 101, I got it. That's the only thing I knew. And then you add the 405 and you add the 10. And then you're in the 110 and the 605 and the 134 and the 2. But it's like you have to have like the repetition of those, you know, those movements to, like,

grasp it, but L.A. still feels very comfortable for me to navigate. I feel very comfortable navigating L.A. Yeah, I feel very comfortable getting around L.A. As a matter of fact, I was going to Julian Edelman's house, and I know where he lives. And I was like, and we were in, we were at Rich Eisen's. And so down by the 110. And I was like, yo, I think I can get a Julian's without directions. But Kyle's like, don't trust it. And he, and I was like, well, just tell me when I'm off. So I got, I got to Julian's, I got to Julian's, I was two rights away from his house. Like, I got two rights away from his house, but then, yeah, that's. Yeah, so like, it's, I got really close. Sure. But like, I can kind of figure out L.A. Like, if you go, where are we going?

And then they go, Santa Monica. I go, okay, take the 405 to the 10, get off on Bundy. And then we're in Santa Monica. But we're in Santa Monica. Like, but it's so funny, these kids, they have no frame of reference for I mean it kind of makes sense though because like we came up like when I moved to LA you bought a Thomas guide but you learn the Thomas guide so that you can get away from it I know it's like but if like somebody just goes whenever you're going anywhere just press this button it's like it's not going to same thing with phone numbers I used to have a hundred phone numbers memorized I didn't even think about it all right boom how many phone numbers can you can let's count how many phone numbers can you tell me right now that are like this is for sure

sure this number this is like like like i'll tell you i'll start i can tell you lian's number okay i can tell you my mom's cell phone number i can tell you my home number my dad's office number i can do my grandmother's phone number but she's dead try it what she answers that'd be so cool and she's like you thought i was dead i just hate you guys oh look at it says grandma it says grandma. It's just going to be like some fucking Persian guy who got the number. Why you called me?

That's crazy. I remember my grandmother's phone number. She's been dead for. Fuck, I don't know how long. She all think she's going to answer. Should I leave her message? Yeah, just be like, are you seriously dead? Hi, we're not here right now. You know who definitely used to have my current number?

Who? It's definitely somebody who was either a building super or just worked for like an AC. Like I get messages all the time. They're like, ah, my air conditioning is not working and we are dying here. Can you please call us back? And I'm just like, no, I'm never going to call you back. Deal with it. Who do you think?

has my last number. Okay. Let's see who has this number. Hey, this is Bart Krecher. I'm out of the country. Well, I guess I still have it. You still have it. Yeah, you have it.

I still have it. I bleep that number out, everybody. Dude, the phone numbers that I actually remember. Yeah, okay, so I got five. How many do you remember? Home number. What was your childhood and a home number? no one has it on you can say it no one has it now somebody has it now for sure but you're but not yours

like your it's no connection to you yeah but i mean we don't want to put the phone number out there give me the phone number which one give me your childhood phone number well i had it i moved a lot so give me a mom give me a mall no no i don't know how do you remember do you remember your Cincinnati phone number no i remember my aunt and uncles because that's what i would call all the time And then we, I remember, I don't remember my Minnesota or Milwaukee one. I remember, Florida, you definitely remember. Yes, I remember Florida. What's that?

I do have that. What is that? It's 305. It's so simple. No. What is it? But don't call it. We have to edit this out.

Just believe it, but go ahead. Okay, it was. It's like a, it's a good number. Do you know my last, my last phone number that I had that I had to get rid of because I leaked it online and, right, got leaked online? it spelled uh bert it did yeah you requested that yeah jesus i know he said he does do you have a personalized license plate that says bert bert bert on it says sticky dick okay um wait so okay so your home number oh hold on i got that one i have i remember the girl that i would call

all the time i remember her number um and then i remember my dad's office line which now just some other guy will answer, which I'll be, I'll be like, what? He's not there. So there's that one. I remember, I have my mom's cell phone memorized only because it's the same number for 25 years. So I have that one memorized. And bro, I think that's it. I think that's it. I don't know Christina's number by heart. I don't know the house line. I have a house line. I don't have that number memorized. I don't have well, I have my number. Yeah, I have my number memorized. And

that's it, dude. And I used to have like, you know, I would just be able to rattle off all my friends' phone numbers. All my friends' phone numbers. Yeah. I don't know any of them. None. None. Oh, man. It was so easy. I think

I remember. I think I remember. Yeah. So I have my cousin, Brian, is memorized. That's also been a long time. At one point, this is how much I used to fucking hang out with Sickler. Yeah. When I first moved to L.A., dude, I had his cell and office number memorized. Like, he was my boyfriend. I was like, I got a check on him. He's at work. That's how much I would call Ryan. It was like, I had both those memorized. If you run a small business, you know, there's nothing small about it. As a business owner, I get it. My business is and has

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We want you to enjoy it. Go get yourself a bottle and make it with soda. We have a bunch of drinks over on the Porosos' Instagram page that you can try. But pick up a bottle at one of our finer retailer partners, ABC fine wines and spirit, total wine and more specs. Or go, demand it at your favorite liquor retailer. Do that at a bar? Go up to your favorite bar and go, do you guys serve Porosos? When they say no, they go, damn.

All right, never mind. I guess I'll have a beer. Order a bottle and some of our killer merch online at drinkporosos.com make friends. God, man, that's crazy. I don't, yeah, I remember childhood. I remember Weecho's phone number. I remember, I remember, I remember. You remember prank calling?

Oh, dude. Did I tell you about the time that I didn't really know, right? There's a, there's a discovery period of like what a prank call is. And so it's usually like around, I think. think fourth fifth grade and so you like you hear about this happening and then you are like you know okay i want to try this and so of course i have a friend come over and we prank call like the cutest girl in fifth grade and it's like some dumb thing i don't even remember what it is it's just like you know some some type of like silly stupid thing you know like you left your purse at the mall i don't know some

dumb shit that we did and just get like her kind of react and then we hang up and you're like hyperventilating you know you're like oh my god we did that I go to school on Monday and her name was Andrea Sparrow and she just walks up and she was like you know you really shouldn't call people and just like hang up

and I was like what and she's like yeah my mom called the phone company like and I was like I didn't know people could do that and I try to I think I was just like, we didn't do that. She was like, yes, you did.

We checked. It was your phone number. I was like, oh, okay. Sorry. Sorry. But we did end up doing it more, like more proficiently as we got older. The girls were in probably, Georgia was probably in fifth grade. I was in third grade.

And I walk into their room and they have a couple friends over, two sisters. And, uh, and there, I caught them doing something. And I go, what are you guys doing? And George was like, dad, shut the door. I was like, what is it? She was like, we're doing prank calls. And I was like, really? And they're like, yeah, dad, Ila's great at them.

And we're like, really? It's like, Ila, do it. So they just dial a number. And Ila gets on the phone and she goes, hello. You just want a new car. A Mercedes. hang on and then she goes dad take it from you go i don't you just thought a prank call you're just calling someone and telling they want a car

and you just hang up i was like you fucking idiots they thought that's not a whole prank the jerky boys that was amazing yeah of course that was like you're like this the original troll it's amazing it's the original troll being a troll has to be so fucking fun to throw a rock into a fucking just it's like shoot a gun into a fucking crowd and go I don't care if I hit somebody just that's what a troll does

yeah I don't give a fuck Molotov cocktail and I'll walk away from it did someone die it's like those horrors in in Brazil that drug men and they sleep for two days and they could have died but the horror goes I don't care I think he lived you know

yeah it's gotta be fucking so enjoyable so but that first the first troll ever was the jerky boys and they were brilliant because they would they would get so worked up i'll come down and get you down there slipping fingers like you'll fucking come to my entire company people lose you ever see you ever see whores uh targeting someone in Vegas like we we were at the one of the bars at the resort you know at the hotel and we see these two like smoking hot chicks and they're around this guy who is like hanging like this and we're like oh they're they're like targeting this guy yeah and then

watch him go to the bathroom and i follow him into the bathroom like and i see that he's completely fucking just i mean stand and he you know he's at the urinal and he's just a mess and like like what's up man he can't even like muster the words and then he gets leaves the restroom and we watch them like you know like kind of like problem you're good you know like trying to prop them up and like let's go let's go and we're like watching them take this guy and then our minds were like oh they're going to you know we know that they're going to rob them yeah and we think about like should we intervene and we're like no you know this is this is a this is the way life goes sometimes he's going to learn an important lesson tonight you know maybe

he'll die but maybe he'll learn something so we just watched and didn't do anything and i'm sure he's fine hey i'm getting a call from a spam should i prank him Sure. Hello. This is Jared with Elite Builders. How's it going? That's going all right. Same here.

I'm in the middle of a podcast. Can we cut to the chase? Yeah. Were you taking any fault estimates for any projects or repairs this year? No, but my buddy Thompson is. Uh-oh. Do you me give you his number?

Can I give you a call back later? Yeah. Uh, yeah. What time can I call me back and just ask a couple of questions? what he needs and then I'll give him a call. Call me late night. I'm a night out. So call me around like 10 o'clock.

I can't call you at 10. I'm off at 5. Oh, what are you doing at when you get off? I got something to do. I've got plans after. Are you in L.A.? Yeah. Oh, me too.

Let's meet up. Does your friend need like a roofing? What does he need? Just meet up for dinner. Let's like, can we have dinner? Well, how about me and my buddy, Tom's Curry. He's out in L.A. And let's meet up for dinner and talk about what we got.

going on. Yeah, let's have dinner. I cannot do that. I'm just trying to get an appointment. Why can you have dinner? Why can't you have dinner? Why can't you have dinner? He hung up on me. He'll never be calling back. You actually, he was like, get the fuck out of here with this shit. I'm not meeting you. I go to dinner with you.

These guys aren't ready for a commitment. he was super defensive about having plans too yeah he's like I got plans I got plans dude what the fuck I I what are we talking about before hey let's talk about only fans do we have some oh yeah we're talking about horrors yeah we're talking about horse yeah let's talk about only fans okay okay do we have any submissions do we have any submissions for people who were going to try to blow up you're going to you said you want to manage them I well I I, you know, look, I don't want to, I don't need any of their money.

I just want to help blow them up, you know? Like, I want them to, I want them, and I want them to be fun, and I don't want to whore them out, but I want them to, I want to help them create content that I think would be enjoyable for our fans. Okay, well, here's somebody who said, hey, what's up? We need an only fan's with a fat, hairy guy. And in parentheses, he writes, me, nothing but funny videos and recreations of videos like the girls whose boob slips out in the drift car, but with me instead. Okay.

So he doesn't, but he hasn't even start. I thought we were going to just take people who have like some presence and it's just not big. Okay. Okay. Here's one. It says, good morning, Julia. My name is Kira.

I'm 24. I live in Oregon. I have a only fans. I didn't get much traction on there because I don't have a huge social media following. I made most of my money selling picks, vids, panties, socks on other platforms. I've taken a break, but I 100% want to get back into it. I've had a lot of fun. I've been listening to you guys for so many years.

I actually got the idea to start initially from a old YMH episode. Good that we're inspiring people. I think we could do some awesome stuff together. Keep them high and tight. Love you guys. Okay. Let's see. Images.

I love her. Yeah, she's like a suicide girl, right? Yeah, she's fucking baller. I love her. Yeah. Keep her in the running. What's her name? Julia?

I said, Kira. Kira. Yeah. All right. That's a really good one. Kira, we're definitely We're definitely interested. Let me see another shot of the front again.

I like that fucking tattoo on her leg. Yeah. Underboob. Underboop always works well and under, only fans. Yes. Yeah, this is really cool. All right.

All right. Very good. We'll put a star next to that one. Here's somebody else, right? Fuck Chrissy D. And Stavi. O.G. Bears for life. Thank you.

Now that I got that off my chest, 34 triple D by the way I'd love to throw my name in the pimp hat for a chance to be in your stable of only fans, bitches I'm a milf, a teacher and a lonely wife all true and all top

search categories on Pornhub I'm not a little skinny model bitch but I'm real and I've seen some shit I'm new to only fans but I have developed a small but dedicated following on Twitter saying X is retarded I'm a fan of all things Tom and Burt would greatly appreciate your

consideration. That sounded gay. Poor Osos all around April Michelle. Oh, she has her link too. This is, whoa, whoa, whoa. This is really on brand for us. I'm into this. Wait, wait. Do we click her only fans? Yeah, there's a link right there. April Michelle. All right. Lonely amateur housewife looking for fun and trying something new. 5-238 triple D real no filters or Photoshop. I mean, this is right up your alley. This is right up my alley.

yeah this is exactly what i'm talking about yeah this is like a real person all the kind of checks all the boxes i think you you were looking for it's okay for us to subscribe to her you mean for the show's purposes yeah for us to and give me a credit card and i'll put it on my phone and whatever okay okay all right hang on what that's another good one what what what no i'm saying this is another this is another great one i love she's a milf i love the shoes of milk. Any more? Oh, boy. Okay. Hey, hey, keep going. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Geez, okay. Okay. So this is Chanel. Oh, no message? No message. Just, okay. Just this photo. I like the tan lines. Yes. That's cool. She's got cool tan lines and she's got, um, looks like about $600. Oh, 600 dollars. Oh, wow. Wow. Here's a couple. Nice. Nice. Keep scrolling. Don't stop scrolling. Hold on, hold on. Huge fans here. My husband and I just watched your latest episode about the only fan submissions. We are the perfect fit. We literally just made an OF account last week and then didn't do anything with it because we know, we don't know what the fuck we're doing. You guys should totally pimp us out. We're a sexy couple whiling to do pretty much whatever you want on camera. Oh my God. I thought we were going to see something else. I thought we were going to see something else too. her tattoos. Those are actually super rad. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's another good option, man. A nice couple doing it? I mean, this is love. This is, this is, I like the idea of a couple. It's kind of interesting.

Yeah, the couple is great. That's great. Because you know what it does? It takes us being, uh, pimps out of it. Right. We can talk it to the group. Like, like, uh, do you remember those two girls that had the vibrators in their vaginas that we hung out with that night in Chicago? we hung out with or that we're at the bar. Yeah, you know what I mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yes, yes. That's great. There were a couple of patrons that we're had.

They were like, yes. I have so much fun with this. Yeah. And by the way, it's a matter of time before bad friends has an only fans account girl, right? Right. They might be drunk as an only fans account girl. Sure. Imagine the Legion of Skanks only fans girl.

Yeah, there's room for everybody, man. That everyone can have one. Joe Rogan can have one. No, I don't think that'll happen. Go ahead. There's more? Jesus. Okay. Hey, Bert and Tom, your idea to expand your media empire into OF creator management and promotion is a brilliant idea. Here's my elevator pitch. My fiancé Chelsea wants to start OF. She's 29. I figured we'd have a shot. Didn't think you would want young girls. We need to help with the management and promotion. You'll be able to fit in at the ground floor starting her account from scratch and see what you and Two Bears only fans.

management can really do from day one you can even pick her screen name you can have control of price structure and content here are some picks for you to consider her as the future two bears oaf model see you guys or love you guys super fans okay let's Jesus Christ

it's whoa that's got to be photoshopped there's no one's that pretty bro bro I think we got our white whale. Holy shit. Yeah. I mean, yeah. Holy shit. Oh, yeah. This dude is straight up in the Pimp game, dude. It's awesome. Yeah. She's a, I mean, that's a great.

This is like starting a brand. This is somebody who's like, I'm in, tell me what to do. Let's do it. Jesus. My God. Yeah. Well, I mean, She's got the look, man, you know? I mean, she looks like when you say OnlyFans, that's what you think it would look like. Yeah, she looks great. She looks great. She's definitely ready to get started. How would you like to, what would your first kind of recommendation be?

We've got to pick the screen name. We got to pick screen name. And then, hold on a second. Like, you're seeing somebody pose, like, because you have to pick, like, what's the path you're going for? Are you going for, like, because there's some people that are so. so successful in this medium where like their thing is just like I'm a beautiful woman hears me in like provocative photos you know sometimes it's a thong sometimes laying by the whatever tanning by the pool and then there's like you know some nudes right and then they

they get that's it like they just do that and then there's like moving into like harder core content are you pitching a certain like do you have a path in your mind for like which way to go on this? I think I think less is more and fun is our, is our mandate. Meaning like when we met those two girls with the vibrators and the vaginas, we hung out with them all night in Chicago, me and you, just me and you and her and her.

Yeah, yeah. But what was fun for us about it was the story of the energy, right? Yeah. And so that's the treat. That's the treat. So, like, if we said, like, you know, we, like, I'm trying to think, my, my original pitch was, you know, hey, can you recreate the nipslip video? Or can you downblow strangers? Or, like, I love the reaction video.

I love the getting in public and, you know, I don't need to smell her socks. Although people can easily ask to smell her socks. They have a perversion and that's their thing they're into. then our fans can communicate with her and knows that she's legit, like she's one of ours. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, it's a great. I think the first thing you'd have to do is probably, you'd probably have to have a meeting, honestly. 100% where you go, you know, what are your goals and how do you see yourself doing this?

Because if you're like, I want it to be fun like this and they're like, I just want to do blowbangs, then, you know, you got to find common ground. I mean, we build to like, you know, a thousand person gang bang. But, like, you build to that. You don't start there. Yeah, I don't think. If that's day one, it's, yeah, there's nowhere to go. Yeah. For sure.

But I mean, those. Very exciting. Are those our force, should be, I say we extended for a week knowing that what we've got. And then we make a decision next week. You got to pick one, right? You're going to pick one. One. Yeah.

And I think that we should, we should extend it for a week. And then we should do conference calls with them to make sure that they're real people. Yeah. Okay. Cool. It's a good idea. I think it's a great idea. And I think as we build our harem, we add different flavors.

We go, all right, we're looking for an only fan's Irish chick. Irish, huh? Yeah. That's the flavor you're looking for. She goes, I'm having a crackin time. Crack and I'm going to jack off your wee winker. You need an island girl? An island girl?

Yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like Barbados or like Dominican Republic, something like that. Give me them coconuts, boy. Yeah. Squat the milk all over them, boy. What if you can totally pivot

into like this is like your next really big thing? Well, I just found out this is what Jack Doherty does. He does this? I think he manages only fans girls. Really? Gives them, I think, I don't really

understand, I don't understand the whole I'm not, I don't understand streaming entirely. Like the, the, the, when you just turn on a stream. What's your percentage? is going to be what are you pitching i don't know like maybe get five percent that's very generous for our time i mean it's you know but you're managing and we should and promoting it yeah we should

maybe a 50 percent i don't know that's it's quite a jump you went from five to 50 50 10 percent 10 percent is what an agent charges right yeah that's true yeah yeah you can figure it out you'll figure We should leave it up for our fans to vote who their only fans' girls are going to be. That's a good idea. We leave it up for the fans. So we'll do a post. After next week, we'll get all our contestants on a carousel.

Okay. And we'll post it on Instagram and say, who would you like to promote as your only fans girl? Okay. It's going to be a tough race, I think. I think so, too. I'm really excited about it. I'm really excited for this.

And now it's like, I don't know. I'm broken in that. that sense is that I was saying this someone the other day, I can't believe not everyone has an only fans. Like if I had tits, I would have an only fans. Just to show your tits? Yeah, I'd show them all the time. Would you do, really? Would you do nude stuff? Well, yeah, you would. I do new stuff now. I saw Leanne's stories and it was you nude in that. I walk around naked. Ever since girls left, I'm naked all day long. Really? I'm naked. From the second I wake up, I walk out to my backyard, turn on my sauna, walk in.

Naked. Naked, make coffee naked, take my meds naked. I keep my clothes, my workout clothes in the gym. So I walk all around naked everywhere. Yeah. Yeah, that's me. Yep. She could have a bigger heart.

Yes, she could have. And she was just trying, she was taking the pictures to send to Ila, because it's Ila's medication. She was like, this is your medication. And she took it. And then she was like, God damn it. and turned around, and then her turning around to take it again, I walked over to the coffee maker.

So now Ila gets to see her dad's dick and balls and his asshole. Ila gave a call immediately, say, don't share that stuff, Mom. It's gross. Really? Oh, yeah. Fun. Okay, here we go.

I wrote questions for you. Already? Okay. God damn it. I just lost them. okay um okay you ready yeah first question okay have you ever heard an Asian person with a speech impediment man it's a good one I feel like my answer is yes but I'm I'm like trying to specifically think of someone you know I mean like I feel like I have I've never heard an Asian

guy with a lisp with a lisp hmm have you heard yeah i've heard every other race for sure with lisps i've heard i've heard i've seen recently an uptick in speech impediments really yeah i like mostly like the boys that are georgia and ila's age and the boys that are i meet them at college or whatever i've noticed there's more speech impediments than when i was a kid and i'm wondering speech impediment? I still do have one. Yeah. I went to a speech pathologist or is that what they're called?

Speech therapist or something. Speech therapist. I did go speech therapy once a week. I did too. Yeah, but why did they stop doing that? I don't know that they stopped. But do you notice, pay attention. Do you notice like speech impediments are way more prevalent?

I can't say that I've, but now that you've said it, maybe I'll pick up on it more. But no, I can't say that I was, it was. a thing that I was picking up on. Like when I was a kid growing up, there was one kid with a Lisp, one. And now you're like, they're everywhere. They're everywhere. I know, I know, I know, I know, you feel like it's like immigrants. Yeah.

Yeah. And it's crying. By the way, it's someone who has, has and still has a speech impediment. What's your speech impediment? If I, when I say like, if I, you can see it if I say the word Jillian, my tongue comes out, Jew. uh not jew but it does it when i do jew too yeah um when i say the n word you can hear it it's uh yeah give it to us a lot of a lot of racial slurs it comes out i was yeah i wonder if there was ever i wonder if there i still slip all the time with mine all i wish hang on i wish i could say

the n word so bad right now because i have the funniest fucking joke i have the funniest joke no no no no no because do you think i want to do the n word with the speech impediment and go it would have been funny if in the 50s there was this really hateful clansman that he couldn't like he would say vinegar vinegar like uh like uh like porky pit now who is the one that talked like this and he just talked like this is that elmer fud emmer fudd is it elmer fud yeah elmer fud so elmer fud saying the n word would be hilarious yeah you should do that You wasculey-wabbit. Do it on stage, man.

That would kill. That will kill. No. Wait. No. Yes. And it's not you saying it. It's Elmer Fudd.

You have a total out. Whose joke is he doesn't even say the word vinegar because it sounds too much like it. Is it Daniel Costa? Dan Costa. That's a great joke. Mike Costa? Mike Costa. Mike Costa.

I grew up with Daniel Costa. I grew up with Daniel Costa. He's a writer now in New York. Mike Costa has a great joke. He goes, I don't even say the word. that's too similar yeah that's a good joke but uh if if elma elmer fudd tried to say the n word yeah i can't believe you're not doing that it should be the opener of your next hour allston yell it like elmer fud you're good impressions no no one's doing it all right let's talk

gambling bro so last weekend was the first nfl weekend and fucking I don't understand how they, week one, how do they nail the spread so perfectly in these things? It's like, so brilliant. How the fuck do you do this? So I, yeah, I lost the Bengals won. They won the game, but they won by one. So I lost that bet.

Even though I did, I also just for Giggles, took a 100 on yours on the bucks won that one what else did I take I took the fucking Broncos

where the spread was 8 and a half and they won by 8 so I'm like cool lost that how are they so good how were they so good I took the Steelers

they won by 2 the spread was 3 I also took the commanders and I won on that a decent amount. So I ended up down for the weekend, but I won a couple bets. And yeah,

but my fucking bangles didn't cover. I don't get to place my bet until next week. And that's what I'm depending. But did you take the... I did. Did you bet last weekend? No, no, no. I can't do it until I'm in Chicago.

Because you were on the road. I wasn't on the road. I couldn't do it until I was in Chicago. So in Chicago, I will bet $1,000 in Chicago on every bucks game until the end of the year. Damn.

But the bucks looked good. They did. They did. Baker Mayfield's got to fucking he's got to shake and bake. Yeah. I love it. I love it.

And that new wide receiver they have? Yeah. Lego my ego or something. Lego my ego. I forget. It's Iggo, egooibi. What? It's eggoagubi.

Egugaibuibu. Ibuka. Eguga. Egugauga. Ego-A-Ego-A-Ego-A-Ego-A-Ego-A-Buca. Ege-Buka. Emeka, Egbuka. Emeca.

Where's he from? Where's parents from? It's got to be, it sounds like an African name, right? Tacoma, Washington. Right, but that's not a Tacoma name. Right? He was on the ducks. Egbuka.

That sounds like. What is that, Nigerian or something? It's got to be. Nigerian. Christian, Nigerian. Dude, Nigerians are the baddest motherfuckers out there. His grandfather was mayor of DuPont. Oh, wow.

His grandfather was the mayor of DuPont, Washington? Looks like it. Oh, oh, let me guess. You ready? Yeah. I'm going to guess. And I'm going to guess Ron Frederick is his mom's dad. Yeah, I think you're right on that, guess, for sure.

Yeah, I think you nailed it. And she's white. I'm guessing because Egbuka is Nigerian. Nigerian dudes are pretty dark, and he's light-skinned. So I bet his mom, Frederick is white. Click on his grandfather, his maternal grandfather. Go back to his, what's we'll call it? Okay.

Okay. All right. Go to Ron Frederick. that he had he had a wiki yeah but he doesn't have one oh you can find the you can google it yeah sure

google yeah there you go in 2020 he was meet the mayor it's right there meet the mayor there is very white yeah like old school white like speech impediment white right

he's the like wait, that's who you're dating? Wait, right? DuPont, Washington. Egg Buka. Egg Buka. By the way, I'm sorry. Mayor's like, I'm not racist.

God damn, I just look like one. That's probably a thing, for sure. Yeah, he's, uh, there he is. There's his Nigerian death. Yeah. Oh, wait, that's not. Oh, he's adopted.

What? He's got to be adopted. that no one's black in that picture How about the guy right next to him Like with his arm around him No that's one of the buccaneers That's his dad bro Oh that's his dad

Oh no he's not adopted Wait I'm so fucking confused That's Henry like Buka says right there What are you confused by Who are the fucking blind sides he's with Over here I mean that's probably You know

No hold on Meet the fucking family Click it let's see it okay is he a blind side uh is he a blind side oh all right there you go he's okay those are his siblings oh that's a stepdad oh okay so that is his mom just stepdad yeah and his siblings dude how fucking badass is it to be like just a regular old white kid and your fucking stepbrother is him. I know. It's very cool. It would fill me with so much confidence. I would fill me with so much confidence. Yeah. I would walk into school and be like, you guys meet my brother and that would just

boost me up so much. You'd definitely write about that. Oh my God. Yeah. That's awesome. It'd be so cool even today to have a half black stepbrother. I would take them. If you guys want to submit emails for becoming my half black stepbrother, I would fucking. What would someone get with being your stepbrother? tickets to all your shows well yeah but also like let's just hang out man just let's just hang out you know we should do we should adopt we should adopt kids how old

like like high school oh it'd be like big brother of them big brother from and then and then we'll pay for their college Jesus just like that like okay let's do children do you remember do you remember that you basically signed an NIL player at the pre-game party?

I do. He just texted me. I forgot. Oh, he did? Okay. Yeah, we signed an NIL player. He's a... Well, you should probably, like, follow up with him, though.

He's a golfer. He's really fucking good. Yeah. His name is... Well, we'll get his name for you guys soon. Yeah, yeah. But, I mean, will you reach out? Yes.

Or have someone reach out? Johnny Mansell just texted me. He's in L.A. Cool. Great. What day were we in, uh, in, uh, in, uh, in um what day were we in tallahassee what date what's the date do you remember the date yeah one second it was it was the 30th it was august 30th that's when we were there all right i got this kid's name okay nope that's not him coach norville that's not him hold on hold on i got him Tommy

I got him. I got him. That's not him. Oh, Jesus Christ. What a game. That's not him. Nice video. That's not him. All right. We're going to find out this kid's name. We'll find him. Just reach out to him. Patrick McCann. Patrick McCann. Welcome to the two bears. NIL.

You're a golfer. You let us know what you need. Patrick McCann. And I'm going to tell you, buddy. There he is. Get ready for OnlyFair. That's how we're really going to splash you in. I don't know if that's necessarily what he is. There are, dude, there's going to be a ton of people attracted to him. Okay, but we're offering something different also, Patrick.

Patrick, we're offering something different. Patrick McCann. And we don't have to, you don't have to be nude. Although, although I wouldn't mind you to reshoot the, I could read, me and him are going to recreate. Who's the kid from, from a high school musical? Zach Bramph. No, Zach Fromp. Zach Ephron.

Zach Ephron? Have you seen his shirtless golf video he posted? No. Well, Patrick and I are recreating it. Okay. Look at this fucking jerk material. Jack off all over this. Look at Zach.

Go to his Instagram. I would jack off. I'm Don even gay and Zach Afron golfing gets my dick hard. Click on the video. Just show the video. It's so fucking good. Look at this. Look at this, Tom.

not a bad swing either oh he doesn't read with those those are for fucking looks look at these arms these chests oh look at them great swings but the glasses this is gonna be me and Patrick McCann

shot for shot except we're gonna sink the put nice nice he's fucking yoked tan bird's jerking off to it it's awesome Zach Efron

let us ever know if you want us to be a guest bear we'll fly to you okay all right cool um i love you i love you too this was fun this is a great episode thank you and there's so much i love i love what you the thing we they don't know what has happened yet but i love that you're doing it okay all right uh i'm gonna go watch porn okay have fun with that all right i love you keep listening to fly niggas like us so you'd be One goes to top and swall the other wears the shirt. Tom tells stories andverts the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep the clean.

Here's what we call. Two bears one cave.