2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: April 14, 2025

Check out Bert's new special "Lucky" streaming on Netflix! The 2 Bears, 5K in Tampa is less than a month away! Sign up at https://www.2bears5k.com/#intro SPONSORS: - Start your free online visit today at https://Hims.com/BEARS. - Today get 20% off your DeleteMe plan by texting CAVE to 64000. - Shop data plans at https://MINTMOBILE.com/BEARS - Head to https://acorns.com/bears or download the Acorns app to get started. - Get 20% OFF + Free Shipping @MANSCAPED with promo code BEARS at https://manscaped.com! #ManscapedPartner #TCSociety Tom and Bert are back in the cave and things get spicy fast. This week the Bears dive into alternative p*rn genres you didn’t know you needed, celebrate the beauty of international women, and break down the logic and logistics behind the noble art of “homie head.” They also mentally prepare for a Por Osos gay bar takeover and talk the top 5 hot chick accents. Next, Bert recounts his unforgettable Monday Night RAW moment where he went full low-IQ adult and choke slammed two dudes on live TV! Then it’s onto arranged marriages, glory holes, and other socially important topics. Pack a towel, this one gets sweaty. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 284 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:02:23 - Alternative P*rn 00:07:41 - Normalize Homie Head 00:14:11 - Por Osos Gay Bar Takeover 00:18:58 - Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes 00:31:25 - The Wrestling Bug 00:40:15 - Retirement Community Idea 00:45:42 - International Delights 00:51:31 - Hottest Chick Accents 00:59:22 - Arranged Marriages 01:04:10 - Glory Holes, Milking Tables, & Sexy Nurses 01:09:51 - MSG & Summer Break 01:17:56 - Wrap Up Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. And we are back and we're together and you're out of the hospital and you're here. I feel good. You look good. It's been rough.

You have a star on your face. I have a star on my face because I have a pimple and this draws out the, I think it's ingrown hair. Is it designed for that or is it just... No, well you can get ones that are circles But then you look kind of weird. But is it for that? Yeah. Oh, it's for that. It draws out the pimple Okay, and so I'd rather have a star on my face and let everyone see it than put like I was gonna put a band-aid over it Yeah, but it's crazy. Everyone's like what happened here. Dude, this pimple has two heads on it. Two heads? It's two heads. It looks like Mark's Marky Mark's nipples. You ever know he had a third nipple? No.

Yeah, Mark Wahlberg has a third nipple. I didn't know that. By the way, so does one of the guys in WWE has a third nipple, I saw that too. How long has that been a two-headed dildo on your face? I woke up, I got this. If you go back like a month ago, it was there, but it never got a head. And then it went away, but I could always feel a lump, ago, it was there, but it never got ahead.

And then it went away, but I could always feel a lump, and then it started coming back. It's a hair. It's a hair in there, so I gotta get Dr. Pimple popper on it. Yeah, Mark Wahlberg has a third nipple. Really? Yeah, do you ever see those girls with two vaginas?

Type in girl with two vaginas. And what's the draw with, I mean, I'm not, no shade given to Bonnie, to Bonnie the woman that's fucking everyone. Bonnie Blue? Bonnie Blue, no shade, but like, that's crazy that that's like a big thing that people are trying to outdo each other.

It's like when comics were seeing who could go longest on stage. Yeah. It's like wild, and I think she said they each get like, they each get like 45 seconds. Oh, 45 seconds. I thought they'd get like a soup in here. I fucked Bonnie Blue and all I got was his hat. Yeah. She was born with two vaginas. Who? This other person?

Yeah. There's I've been hearing a lot about vaginas. She's got only fans. That's cool. That's what you should do if you have two pussies. You should show them. Yeah. I have two only fans, one for one pussy and one for the other you think you could fuck that And the answer is yes well She's got a vagina. Okay, but she everywhere else looks male Hold on who's that? What's the the porn stars named Buck Angel? You think you could fuck Buck Angel? Oh Right kind of looks like Jason Ellis, so You know I mean, oh my God, there's a vagina there.

Yeah, yeah, so he was a biological female. Oh, 100% I could. It would be cool for you to look in the face, like look at his face. I think we'd do a doggy style. I mean, it's still like a pretty masculine back. Yeah, it's a pretty, yeah, I don't know. I probably could be fine fucking that.

Really? I mean, his face is so masculine. I Think it's kind of fucking cool. It is cool. Can I tell you what's crazy? Oh, that's a crazy scene there What with the three the three? Yeah, you got You got hit. Oh my god. Wait, that's those are dicks. Yeah, those are cocks. Oh wow. Okay, that's a porn I want to see will you will you put me a link to that? By the way, I just found out how to watch porn in Texas. Look at those. Those are big dicks.

And those, look at their faces. They're all fucking with you. They're all just tricky. Like you walked into a bar, who do you walk away with? You'd be like, oh, I like the blonde. And then you're just like, oh shit. All right, I guess I'm. I remember the blonde just like shit all right I guess I'm I remember someone telling me like like they liked watching a trans porn yeah because they were like yes dude it's like tits and tits and a dick you

want the dick there anyway wait is this a comedian it was a comedian yeah I know the comedian I think we know the same guy yeah the comedian who was like hey do you like that and I was like oh it's not I'm we know the same guy. Yeah, the comedian who was like, hey, do you like that? And I was like, oh, it's not, I'm not into it. He's like, it's hot though. It's hot though. We're talking about the same person. Same person, and I go, well, I mean, to you.

Yeah. And then he would send me a link, and I could see the description of the link, and he goes, did you watch it? I go, no, because I'm not into that. And he was like, just watch it. Like, he was trying to convince me that I'm turned on by it.

So today Leanne and I are staying at the hotel. And she wanted to have sex last night. And I was too drunk. I was like, no, I'm going to sleep. And then this morning, I thought we'd have sex. And she was already getting ready to go to the gym. And I was like, so what am I, just going to jerk off? She was like, yeah, jerk off.

Get it out of your system and jerk off so we can hang out today. So I go to Pornhub. And fucking Pornhub in half of this country is like, Hey, listen, I need to see a picture of your license. Never will I give you a picture of my life. I'm not going to let you know what I'm watching on Pornhub. That is a sucker's play. So today I'm like, dude, I hate that I can never look at porn when I'm in Texas or Arkansas.

Oh, I was going to say different sites don't have the same regulations. I know. But should we, I feel like we shouldn't promote that so it doesn't get on someone's radar and then they actually make a... Like, cause I could give you another site, I don't even wanna say it cause I don't want somebody to watch and like let a lawmaker know that they should prevent that.

But there's, yeah, there's a couple that you can... But it's so funny, I'm so used to the interface on Pornhub and Pornhub kinda knows my algorithm. So you but it's so funny I'm so used to the interface on pornhub and pornhub kind of knows my algorithm Yeah, so it suggests things that it knows I'm into I don't have a count. It just knows you've been to this site I've got up to old links and I'll go. Oh, yeah, you like cookies. Yeah, it's the old cookies Yeah, then I go to I go to this new one and just type it in. I thought this was hysterical. Okay, this it's called Okay, and then I didn't it's really kind of complicated It looks like a high school senior made it like it doesn't look like it doesn't have the oh

Wow What? No way They already got it they got it Jesus there you go No, no, that's not it. Oh, that's maybe that's it Anyway, I went to the categories cuz I was like I was like, I don't really know what? No, that's not it. Oh that's... Maybe that's it. Anyway, I went to the categories because I was like I was like I don't really know what you I think that's it I think those are the exact videos actually that's it I went to the

categories go to categories okay go to categories and okay I want you to this is what made me laugh so they are so specific. Bye, big ass, big cock, big dick, big tits, D Black, Blondes blondes blowjobs brunettes Camphorn goes all the way and then it just and then one just goes gay Just one gay. Yeah, like are you gay? Okay, you like this? Like it's so specific for heterosexuals that it just goes gay. Yeah, okay, just click gay cuz I was like gay. Oh Yeah, that is. Oh, that is pretty gay. Oh, wow, that guy's young. Yeah.

Oh, my god, they're all young. They're all. Dude, have you seen the guy online who's like, he's like, a good looking kid. I think he lives in South Florida. We're good on this. You can, yeah, thank you. They're all so young.

Yeah. They're all so young. Do you say the same thing when you watch Straight Forn? I don't look at old ones. I look at old ones. You look at old ones? I look at old ones. You look at old ones? Yeah, MILF. Stepmother is like my favorite. That's your favorite category?

Yeah, stepmother. Yeah. Stepmother or MILF or I go to like someone I've discovered, like I found, and I'll go to her and find her stuff. That's cool. Yeah. But there's this dude online. I wonder if any of you guys have seen this. He's a young, good looking kid, and he's like, yo, what's up? I just got my back blown out by my boy,

and this other dude comes up, and they're like kinda kissing. And so I followed him, and then, I don't know his name, I can't tell you which one he is, he's a good looking kid. But he's like, the one that made me laugh, he was like, yo, it's time to normalize homie head. Homie head? Can you imagine? Head from your homies? That's cool. He normalize homie head. Homie head? Can you imagine saying that?

Head from your homies? That's cool. Just homie head. I mean it would be cool if it was normalised. It would be awesome! It's not like it would not be cool. What's the- name one guy Oh boy. Who's-

Who could normalize homie head to you. Be it- like if it's Brock Lesnar And you're in a car You're driving in the fucking woods and he's like yo, that's my guy. That's my guy. That's my guy. Okay He's pretty chill dude, hey go to the one where he gets his back blown out. It's in a parking lot. It's in a parking lot. And that's with another guy. That's the gayest way a man can pose by the way, when his foot's up in the air there, where there's the below that row to the right that that's the gayest way a guy can ever lay.

Did you ever see the video of the two black guys and they're talking on face cam and his chicks behind him with her feet up. He's like, yo homie, what's going on with the feet? He's like, what feet? He's like, your feet, where you keeping your feet? He's like, stop doing that shit, man. Stop doing all that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. This, he, this kid, I follow him. Would you let him blow you? No, he's too young. That's the issue?

Yeah. I'd want like a Kevin Spacey. An older guy? Yeah. If I was gay. I would hate to find out I was gay now and then realize how great it is. All my franchise playing years are behind me.

What if you found out, like, you're like, oh, shit, this is really what I like, and you're 52? Oh. You had no idea. And then all the times when you were really good at fucking and you looked good and people wanted to fuck you, they're all behind you. They're all gone, yeah. I I know and now you're just some queen

This guy just put my message all he does is fuck this guy, huh? He fucks a lot and he's got a boyfriend where's his back blown out video. It's a point in the parking lot You gotta go back the wrong way. How much do you watch? I watch all of them. Okay, I get a deep dive on this motherfucker Okay, you'd be shocked who I follow It's in a parking lot. They're in a parking lot. Yeah, okay, so just scroll over them It's not gonna be is you never gonna find it. Oh, yeah. It's a lot of videos, man Yeah, I don't follow them on tik-tok. I only follow them on Instagram twink tone

cool, I got my it would be cool to be in that that whole subculture of Gay, just gay fucking just yeah, close your eyes and imagine what you'll look like six months from now I got my bag. It would be cool to be in that whole subculture of gay. Just gay fuckin'? Just, yeah. Close your eyes and imagine what you'll look like six months from now. How's your hair look? The same like mine?

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We're going to a gay bar tonight. I've got our outfits. Not our outfits. This is your outfit. No, I have my outfit. This is your outfit. I think, oh, it goes like this. Your cock goes out of here.

You put your cock and balls here. This goes around your waist and you wear it like that. Oh, that is cool. Yeah. Those would be tough. It would be. I don't know. How do you have?

I mean, I'm being serious when I say this and I hope this doesn't come out like ignorant. I mean, it's going to come out ignorant. Okay. Like how do you have a friend when you're gay? Like, you're just friends with them. And not fuck them? Yeah. I think they just do.

Okay. Yeah, you just fuck your friend. Be like, it's cool. Yeah, I mean, I would be like, if I was, I mean, I just seem, I think I would be a little more promiscuous. It's like imagine if you had girlfriends, but then they also were like, yo, I like fucking too. Yeah.

And you were single. You just fuck a lot. Yeah. I think this was happening. It's gotta be confusing. I don't know, I think gay culture's pretty like open about liking fucking. Yeah.

Yeah. We're gonna find out tonight. I know. I'm so fucking pumped. Are you? Yeah, will you let a dude touch your dick? What? Will you let a dude touch your dick?

Just pull it out? They get handsy. Yeah, they do get handsy. Yeah, they're like those monkeys in Africa that climb into your Jeep and take your food out of your backpack. Are you gonna let one touch your dick? Yeah.

I'll let a gay guy touch my dick. Are you gonna take something to make it grow before? We should get some Bluetooth. Okay. We have a stash. We should get some Bluetooth. Just go in there fully ramped up? Yeah, dude, I am so pumped. I hope they know that I'm coming in with love.

Like that we're not mocking them. Like, this has been my opus for a while. I've always wanted to get rid of the chicks for poor osos and lean into the gay bears. Like, this has been my opus for a while. I've always wanted to get rid of the chicks for poor Osos and lean into the gay bears. I think that community is cool as fuck. And I think it's cool because, you know,

and I'm talking a little wild, but like gay culture is all about like, when you go to like the Abbey and Hollywood we went, it's all really like jacked and good looking guys. And everyone looks like the guy, Twink Tone who got his back blown out. And then you got guys like us who found their people and they like the thing they like,

they like some hair on a dude. I just think that's so cool that there's different subcultures of gay. Sure, it's not just one thing. Yeah, and this one's my favorite. I think mostly because I look like them. Yeah. Dude.

So you're gonna have some eyes on you. I can't fucking wait I'm going shirtless. I'll show you what I'm wearing for real This and I'm gonna I'm gonna wear this goes over my shoulders and that's my underwear And then I'm gonna put these pants on over him and I'm gonna be behind the bar You know what? I just realized Not all gay guys are whores. Yeah, that's something. So I'm dressing like a whore.

Yeah. Look at this. Yeah. Dude, Tom Selleck. Look at that bear community. That's our fucking people, Tom. Yeah, that's. You know why, for real?

Because those are the people that go to our shows, but they just happen to be straight. Right, right. Well, some of them aren't straight. They come to your shows. So I've had a lot of gay bears come to my shows. Yeah. And they're going to be all up on you today.

I told you about that time the guy stopped me in his car. Imagine what's going on in those water, like in a, oh my God. I bet the drain for that thing is fucked. I know. It's just like glued shut. There's no filter working and they're like, um so many to them black brown black bears Yeah, there are black bears, yeah

Do they call Asian bears of color to see if they go to go to yeah talk see if they have We must allow ourselves to what to take it in the mouth to Asians are hairless Take up space. Oh, yeah, so they're making a... What is it? Gay Asian bears? I think it's pandas. Oh yeah. Yeah, look at that guy. Fuck yeah, this is gonna be fun tonight.

I'm getting wasted. Dude, I hope you end up fucking a guy. Just hammer two. You're like, dude, last night was crazy. I was so fucked up. I end up fucking a guy. Just him or two. You're like, dude, last night was crazy. I was so fucked up. I ended up fucking a guy. The best wake up I ever had in my entire life, the best wake up.

Sometimes I deal with life based on my wake up, right? So if I wake up depressed or anxious, that bad wake up can put me in a way, I woke up with anxious this morning. I didn't sleep so great and then my nose was stuffed up in the middle of the night so I had a hard time breathing and my shoulder hurts and I was like fuck, I just woke up like that, fuck.

And then the other day, I woke up in Minneapolis, best wake up ever, best wake up ever. How was the wake up? I rolled over and Leann goes, you choke slammed two dudes last night. Oh yeah. It's the best wake up I. How was the wake up? I rolled over and Leanne goes you choke slammed two dudes last night Oh, yeah, it's the best wake up. I've ever had Yeah, the best lives that was probably one of the best experiences I've ever had in my entire life and all I'm telling you Yeah, and Triple H if you are watching if anyone can get this Triple H

Tom has a fucking series called bad thoughts coming out May 13th. Yes, May 13th. May 13th? Yes. May 13th. There is going to be a Monday Night Raw right before his comes out. I will go with you. I will go with you. We bring the boys.

Okay. Then we go to see WW Raw. Tom, the energy there is so fun. And it's just like Bears. It's like, it's like, it's like, but it's all people into one thing. Yeah. And they, I mean, it was so fun. Is this you jumping over the fence?

This is me jumping, have you not seen this? No. Okay. Leanne's pissed. Right here? Yeah. Why? Because I wasn't supposed to do any of this.

The security man that I really fan of, he just jumped the hurricane. Are you up there? You take care of him, I'll take care of you. Now, at this moment I'm panicking. You are really panicking? I'm really panicking. I'm like, please wake up, CM Punk, please wake up.

There you go, look at this. Boom. There you go, look at this. Boom. You're really gonna smack that guy in the mouth? It scares me. Look at this. Tommy, not my best look. I should have kept the belt on. Look at this.

Look at that. Look at that. Do it again. Do it again. Do it again. Tommy, it was the most exhilarating. Now I'm going to say this. Yeah.

Because I saw Schultz on Theo's podcast. Yeah. And he was like, I'm going to doating. Now I'm gonna say this. Yeah. Because I saw Schultz on Theo's podcast. Yeah. And Theo said, was that planned? And Schultz says, no it wasn't.

And in my head I was like, bullshit, right? Because we go there for Netflix. We go on behalf of Netflix. Netflix asked, can you go to Minneapolis? Just, all they were gonna have me do was hold the belt. I was gonna do a promo, right? So I did a promo with Otis. I was backstage.

It's really confusing. Like the whole thing is very confusing because everyone's kind of nice to you, but there is this real Merrill energy. And I'd seen those two dudes for real backstage and they're Australian. I thought they were Irish or something. And I said something about Conor McGregor

and they did not find it funny. Yeah. And I was like, oh, I think they're Australian. And then they kept walking back. And I thought they were doing a bit with me. Like, they were like, this thing. By the way, all of this that's on there is not on air. That's not on air. The cameras were off.

The show was over. This? The show was over, Tom. This is not on the air? It's all off air. The cameras were, the show was over. Everyone, cameraman, Pat McAfee, everyone left. Everyone left. That happened after the fucking show.

So when Schultz said it wasn't scripted, I was like, bullshit, it's gotta be scripted. So I go and do the promo thing with Otis. They give me the belt, I put the belt on, I chug a beer. All scripted, all set up. We knew we were gonna do that, right? And I had said to Triple H, I was like, I wanna get in the ring, I wanna take a couple bumps.

And everyone was making fun of me. They're like, bro, you're 52. I remember I told H, I was like, I wanna get in the ring, I wanna take a couple bumps, and everyone was making fun of me. They're like, bro, you're 52. I remember I told one guy, I goes, how old are you, and I said 30. And he went, what? I was like, I'm 52, and he goes, hang on, if you're old enough that you don't remember how old you are,

we're not gonna let you take bumps. And so I was like, and Triple H said it. 30, I'd be like, what the fuck? Does this guy eat? They thought I was drunk. McAfee came up to me, he goes, like, what the fuck? Does this guy eat? They thought I was drunk. McAfee came up to me, he goes, what's in the glass? I said, it's coffee, and he goes, okay. I told Pat, I go, do you think I could take a bump?

And he was like, no. I said, but you have, he goes, buddy, I bought a wrestling ring my first year in the NFL. Like, I've been a wrestling fan my whole life. When we did this in our backyard as kids, like, I knew what I was doing. I had a guy train me before I started doing anything. And so I was like, okay.

So I said to Triple H, I was like, I said to Cody and I said to everyone I wanted to take a bump, and Triple H is like, yeah, I don't, he's like, here's the deal, man. If you're being serious, if you'd like to get in the ring, then absolutely, we'll send you down to Orlando, and you can do a couple weeks in Orlando. That's what everyone does.

And then we can get you up to speed, but we can't just send you in there. And I was like, okay. So when that happened, and I swear on both of the lives of both of my daughters and my wife and my two dogs, might as well throw the cats in. I swear to God, no scripting, no planning,

had no idea what the fuck was going on. Why did you, how did you just? And I thought I was gonna get in trouble. Why did you jump? You just jumped over the fucking thing. No, I didn't understand was the I Thought I met everybody right and like I thought I kind of thought I was cool with everybody before The show and the second like new world a new day came in and they were just fucking lit me up They I was sitting right behind McAfee and they would come in and go, hey you fat fuck. And I was like, what did I do to Austin? Wait, the wrestlers?

He's like, yeah, sit down you fat fuck. And I was like, I was sitting there with my wife, watching wrestling, I'm enjoying myself. McAfee's losing his mind, he's laughing in front of me, he's like, dude, they're coming after you. Everyone came in, everyone lit me up. And when they came out, they were just staring at me and they're like, yeah, take off your shirt fat boy,

show them titties, show them fucking titties fat boy or whatever. And I was like, I was like. I would have had a seizure. One guy got in my fucking face, this is on the screen, one guy got in my face and started getting in my face up in the thing talking shit. And I lifted my shirt up too.

I didn't know what to do. I'm not trained for this. I thought we were all friends. I really, really honestly, my big mistake was I walked in. Now I regret it. I walked in that day and I said, see, I'm punkier. And I think everyone was like, we're all people too. Why the fuck are you looking for CM?

But he's the only one I know. Because we did the football thing together. And when I saw him, I said, I swear to God, this is on camera, you can find this on camera. I said, are you wrestling tonight? And he went, no. I said, what are you doing here? He goes, I'm just doing a promo for WrestleMania,

it's in two weeks. I was like, okay, I go, what are you doing? I say, I think I'm gonna do something with Paul Heyman, just pump everyone up for WrestleMania. I was like, cool. And so I was like, yeah, he was not supposed to fight. He was not on any card to fight. He should not have wrestled at all.

And so when they did that and they started, I started looking around like, what am I supposed to do? And then like, yeah, get over here fat boy. Take your shirt off fatty. And I'm like, and then I'm like, okay. And I thought, I swear to God, Tom, I'm not joking at all. I thought I'll go over there and I'll talk shit

and then security will pull me away. And I got over there and the guy got out of the ring. And I was like, hold on, am I gonna fight this guy? I'm like, I know this is not, I know what this is sports entertainment, but now I'm looking at a guy who just got out of the ring and is charging me. So I took my belt and started whapping it.

So I was like, and cause I want him to know I don't know what I'm doing. And I will hurt you to make sure I stay safe. I will hit you with my belt to make sure I stay safe. Oh, that's so fucking funny, man. I wish you would have hit him with your belt. And he'd be like, what the fuck are you doing? It was so, it was such an insane experience.

But the craziest part is when CM Punk looks at me, he goes choke slam him. And I go, huh? I've never done a choke slam in my fucking life. Yeah, it looked good. Cause he saw, I think CM Punk could see my special. And I had a joke in my first bit about throwing my wife's, my wife's got like an inbred special needs kid

in her family. Yeah. And it's in the special, thanks for watching. But I choke slammed him into the water. He goes, do me WWE style. And I was like, do me WWE style, come on, my dad does it. So I choke slammed him into the lake. So CM Punk thought he must know how to choke slam people.

Dude, choke slamming a man is the funnest thing. I will do that any fight I ever get in, I'm choke slamming people. That is the greatest fucking move in the world. You just reminded me when you were like, I don't know what's gonna happen. When I went to, in fifth grade, I went to, I think it was Chris Dolman's football camp

in outside of Minneapolis. I was like living in the suburbs of Minneapolis. And it was all NFL players. And they put us in these different, I'm 10 years old, 10. And you're with other 10 year olds, and then over there are the 12 year olds, over there are the 16, you know what I mean?

You spread out. And one of the offensive tackles for, I guess maybe for the Vikings at the time, because there was all different players there, was like, all right, here's what we're gonna do. And he's 6'7", and he's about 320 pounds. I mean, he's an actual giant, massive. I'm 10.

He goes, all right, and he takes one of those pads where you put your hand through it, he gives it to me. He's like, hold this. He's like, here's what we're gonna do. And he's on the other side of the pad. I don't know, and I'm holding it.. And I look and my hand's going like this. I was like, oh, my God. This grown man is gonna...

I think he's gonna kill me right now. He starts describing, like, you get up under it. And I'm holding it. I was like, oh, my God. And then right as he made an impact, he just, like, touched it. I was like, oh... I don't know if anyone saw my hand shaking like this. We were in full pads? No, you're just in like t-shirt and shorts. I was like, cause I thought with the pad, he was like, I'm just going to fucking lay into this.

I'd never been, that was what I, it's still, it's so vivid in my memory because I was so fucking scared that he was going to just unload on me. And I was half fucking a little arm pad in front of me. And then he was like, all right, so now you guys do it. And I was like, oh fuck. Like I think I had tears. I think I probably cried as we started the drill, like out of relief. It was so scary when you go, I don't know what's about to happen.

That's the whole thing, cause I woke up the next morning, I was like, I felt so good. And I texted Cody and I texted CM Punk. And I was like, yo, I think I'm, I got bit by the bug. Yeah. April is financial literacy month.

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They love it. Yeah. But I really think me and you could take those two dudes in a Monday Night Raw. Fuck yeah, man. Of course we could. What are they, Australian? Yeah. They're the Day Down Under.

What are they? Lovely Day Down Under? What does the. They're, uh, the Day Down Under, what are they? Lovely Day Down Under? What is the name of the rest thing? Lovely Day Down Under? No. Is that a boy band? I've been texting them with, no, they're A Town Down Under. Oh. It's Grayson and Austin, and they can get this smoke.

Yeah. That's all I'll say. I mean, they've already got a taste of the B-man. You bring in the two of us, two bears, first a town down under, two bears. Dude, we would fucking, we would fucking crush, Tom. What we'll do is we'll get fucking like, we'll get like a really good wrestler in our corner.

Yeah. To like a really, really good one to be like our coach. Somebody under 50? Yeah, someone under 50 Cody we get fucking get Cody or get fucking CM Punk or get both of them in our corner just to kind of like Yeah, tell us what to do. Yeah, like they'll kind of like shepherd us through it. Yeah, I fucking chokeslam a dude, dude I could do that guy can do that move that moves in my pocket. I Mean that's exciting dude, that would be super fun

Super fun. We might need to learn how to do some stuff first Yeah, probably a good idea or just go in I think I think the name of our team should be called dumb luck And we just go in with no fucking training a town down under the team's name is a reference to both wrestlers presenting from countries with a name starting with an a Wow, that's pretty deep America for theory and you guys really Grayson went to the well for that one. That's creative. Can I tell you what? Can I tell you what's really scary? Yeah is the next morning. I followed them on Instagram. Yeah They didn't follow me back. Yeah, I just followed them like I just followed them

So I was like and I think I sent a message. Hey guys, that was really fun last night. No reply. Yeah, no Dude I it I this fucking the wrestling scene is so cool to me Cuz I really honestly don't know how these people don't get hurt. There was a fucking match with with the I don't know how these people don't get hurt. There was a fucking match with A New Day I think it's called and up against these two Vikings. And they did this fucking move. Yeah, and the New Day, yeah. So once again, those guys fucking lit me up.

Those guys did? Fucking come out like Spider-Man and the Multiverse and they're like, hey fat boy. They got my face I was like I thought I said hi to you backstage There are any other black guys here. Why the fuck are you guys? Why is everyone being a dick to me? And then like the one guy I meet this cool Otis doesn't say hi to me after the show No, like everyone just kind of was like yeah, I was like oh this he was like, uh-huh Otis was fucking good Dude, man, you these guys move around so fucking fast athletes

I know when you see the the crazy one. He's big as fuck this dude What's Steiner's son's name? I met him and I'm sorry. I'm not remembering any I saw him standing next to this guy. Yeah, dude Yeah, Brock and He Brock like Stein up go to Brock go to Brock see if it's Brock Yeah, Brock and Brock. Brock. Go to Brock. Go to Brock.

See if it's Brock. He, dude, he fucking tackled a guy so hard. I don't know. No, that's not him. No. The other one? He's a wrestler. I'm fucking sorry.

I'm so bad with names. I met so many people that night, but this guy fucking tackled a dude so hard that I was like, that's real, that's real. He was coming, Tom, at a full clip. Was it this dude? I think so, and he was so jacked, he's so fucking ripped, and so fucking big, he comes running to the ring in just jeans and tackles a dude, diving tackle,

and I'm like, that would break ribs. Then they get this one guy up against the chair, up against the wall, and they come and they just fucking slam their body into his face, and I'm like that would break ribs then they get this one guy up against the chair up against the wall and they come and they just fucking slam their body into his face and I'm like these these have to hurt yeah of course these guys get really fucked up I lifted that guy at least fucking seven feet in the air and threw him onto his back I don't know how the fuck he got out of the ring that's like it it looks when you see it in person I want to go I want me and you to go with your boys.

And I want them to see, their minds are gonna be fucking blown. They would love to be in the arena. Cause they're both really into combat sports right now. Like they both do Jiu Jitsu and they both are like, we want a box. And they're trying to, they're just like, sign us up for boxing, we want a box.

Do you know what's gonna happen when your boys? See their dad and uncle fat sticks In the fucking ring. Yeah, they'll go crazy. They're gonna be like your gods. I gotta get I gotta get them into it first I should do watch they should watch one next week. Yeah this week. I haven't watched us. WrestleMania is gonna be fucking crazy Yeah, it's in two weeks. I wonder if they'll take to it. It's so funny though. Like you just discover I don't know. I wonder if they'll take to it. It's so funny though, like you just discover, I don't know, I mean it's different for you, I guess because you had girls, it's like some of the things you think, like they liked watching this, we watched the fight pass, we watched the jujitsu tournament because they go to that class, right? Like I wonder if they'll respond

to it. Maybe they will. Well, I mean, first of all, live, live there are times, I mean, if you looked at the playback, because I was sitting behind Pat, and so like I was in the, they're two shot, I was in the middle of them. Yeah. So many times, people just screen grab pictures of me just like this. You see them do these things that are so athletic. Yeah.

So, and look so fucking painful. And you see them get up, there was this girl, Ayo, is that her name, Ayo? This is the craziest thing I saw. Yeah, Ayo WWE. Eyo Sky, Iyo Sky. Dude, they bring in the three fucking female contenders for the heavyweight belt.

And I think they're gonna make them all three fight at the same time. It's a black chick, it's a fucking, like a chick from Brooklyn, and then this A-O, E-O, whatever. I don't know, I'm bad at fucking names. I feel bad because I met all these people and I'm not saying their names right. But then everyone calls me Brad.

And so, Tom, the fucking two chicks are face to face and they're talking and this EOS guy is like, fuck this, grabs her belt, starts to walk out. and we're watching two people talk like this and all of a sudden I see this fucking rising sun Asian person flying up in the sky. She kicks the black chick in the back of the head, the back of the front of her head, head butts the other white chick and they both go to the ground. I don't give a fuck what anyone says. You kick someone in the back of the head, it fucking hurts. You headbutt another person, it hurts. I was so blown when that, and that's early in the night, when that happened, I was like, holy shit, I'm fucking in. I am in.

You got me excited to check it out, dude. I'm telling you. I'm going to call, I'm going to talk to Ross. I'll talk to, you know what? It's, Tom, it'll be so fun. It'll be so fun. Find out where WWE Raw is when Tom special airs. Will you find out where it is? By the way, have you seen, the picture is worse. I got a new fat picture to put up my gym. Yeah. I'm going to text you guys a picture.

It's the worst picture of me. Oh, definitely send it. What's this right here? Is this just the video? This is Peter's angle of the whole thing. Oh, listen to Peter. Look at you taking your belt. I Don't even know what's going on

I love that I can sense your nerves. Yeah Like trying to get it away from a dog get's like, look how quick I ran to him! I give him a little fucking bam. Yeah. Look at Leanne. This is not my best look. I had a hard time getting in the ring. Yeah. My pants were falling down.

I saw a little crack. He's just, you know, that's what Sam Punk goes, you think you can choke slam him? That's the best thing I've ever heard. Now I got it. I'm like, give me another one. Come on. Leann goes, he, the second guy you really hurt. That's amazing. Now I gotta, I'm like, give me another one, come on. Leann goes, the second guy you really hurt. And I was like, for real?

Dude. Tom, that's gonna be us. Find out where Raw is on the month. May 12th in Louisville. It's Louisville. Louisville. It's Louisville, know Louisville. No your cities Does it say who's wrestling? Let me look it's WWE raw though. Yeah, that's it Louisville

Pretty cool, man, dude Can I talk to you about a weird thing that is happening in my life? And I'm wondering if if you're adjacent to this, okay So I was doing an interview with Kyle Busch. The NASCAR driver? Yes, and his lovely wife casually mentioned that her parents are in a retirement community. Yeah.

And I said, really, how old are they? She said, 55. 55? And fucking. Wait a minute, how, what? How old is Kyle Busch? No, she's, no, they're both young there I mean, she's like 35 37. She's probably like 29

Okay. Yeah, there were retirement community for 55 year olds. No, so that's a really really popular ones now There's like all these places in Florida where you can go into a retirement community and these retirement communities They sound pretty awesome. But now Leanne's obsessed with she wants to start a retirement community. Start one. She wants to make her own. She wants to buy. There's a school in Bristol Connecticut for sale for $500,000.

Bristol Tennessee. Bristol Tennessee. Have you seen it? Yeah. You have right? Yeah. She wants to buy it. She wants to start a retirement community. There's a stage. She goes will have bands

We'll have it'll she's like it'll be just be fun. It'll just be party. She'll be we'll always get fucked up She was like it'll be like a fraternity house But you'll have other people living. I know I know but I'm thinking wonder if that's the move What if I what if I what if I start a retirement community? Right. Yeah, just like-minded people. I mean, it seems like, honestly, like a natural fit for you. I'm kind of starting to get into the idea of a retirement community.

Yeah, I totally see that working for you. I can't understand why my parents never did it. Why they didn't join one? Yeah. I mean, maybe they just don't like the idea of community. Ha ha ha. Could you see you're push and retirement community? Absolutely not.

Why not? I, the same reason your parents didn't join one. Really? Yeah. Wouldn't it be awesome if you got a little like, little pharmacy there where you got a rock doc on edge, on there. Yeah, that's pretty cool.

You got IVs. That's cool. So you can get IVs, you can get like, you got pickleball courts, tennis courts, basketball courts. You got a fucking pool with like a beach and then you got a bar right in the center of it It's so Burt though. It's I it's definitely I would love it if your day was just and then here's the other thing, right? Yeah, so like 55 and up 55 and up

girls start at 40 Okay guys have to be 55 Okay, only 40 year old dudes in there. Yeah, and Yeah, you buy in get like, I wanna find like an old, like I wanna find a place and buy it and then build it out to my liking. But you get like IVs, you get like a rock doc, right? So like, you get a doctor, but he's a little, you know,

on the, so you get. Yeah, so you have a community of people with you. A community of people where, and you got activities planned every night, every night, like Taco Tuesday, and everyone gets excited for Taco Tuesday. But here's the cool thing. So like, you know, I think one of the things in our country

that is unspoken but is a real problem in our country is our silent cast system, where people hate rich people, but people all wanna be rich, right? Yeah, that's totally true. It's kind of a bizarre set of circumstances considering in India they just have a caste system. And they go, yeah, yeah, you're poor,

and you'll always be poor, and you can never be rich. That's who you are. And accept it. Accept it. Well, what's cool about a retirement community is you kinda go full communism. You kinda do. Because everyone gets their own house. No one's houses are better than anyone

else's. Everyone's kind of the same. It's like have you ever seen the place that all the rock stars live in Tennessee? Someone tell me the name, someone knows the name. I wish someone on my team was here. It's this great great great fucking community. Of rock stars? It's country music stars and Bargazzi's gonna move there. Like Music Row? No no no no. It's uh I forget and bar gotsies gonna move there like music. No, no, no, no It's uh, I forget the name of it, but it's a it's a golf community Oh, yeah, yeah, you know rules for the golf course. You can play shirtless shoeless. You do it everyone beers are everywhere They've got a place for your store bus. They've got all these places when you buy a lot

You get three houses you can pick from so everyone's kind of got the same houses. So no one, there's no keeping up with the Joneses. No, no, it's not old Hickory. It's, I forget the name of it. It's the one that Nate is moving to. And Nate's trying to get me to buy one there. And I think we're trying, all the ones right now, we're trying to get out further in the woods. But it's not old Hickory.

But it's so cool because these guys like Morgan Whalen lives there and like I think Ernest lives there, all the fucking, but because you only can have one of three houses, then they build the house for you. The community builds the house. No one really is big dicking anyone. Right. Everyone's on the same level and not everyone is on the same level.

I mean, people like Morgan Whalen are fucking making crazy money, and Nate's making crazy money too, but everyone has the same house. I think that's the cool thing about a retirement community is everyone gets the same house, so then ultimately, or a version of the same house, it's like track housing in the 50s or in the 40s

like they did for my grandfather. Everyone in Levittown got one of three houses houses and then you would go to the neighbor's house It was the same as your dad as your grandmother my grandmother's house Yeah, but that would be the cool thing about it and partying you don't have to live there Tom Just have like a little time share time share. Okay. Okay. I mean build it dude. I think I might I think it's exciting I kind of want to retire out of the country. Okay, okay, this is a great fucking game. Okay. Today I said, Leanne can't hear me, can she?

I think she can. Nevermind. Okay. Okay, I'll say it, I'll say it. And then Leanne can say her. Just whisper it, she won't hear. Okay. Today I was on my treadmill, I was doing my jog,

and I decided to jog in Stockholm, Sweden. And I just realized that I never got the opportunity to live in Stockholm, Sweden, like to ride a bike everywhere and have my pants tight and have this tall blonde girlfriend who goes, "'Hey, would you like to meet for a beer after work?' And I go, yeah. And then I ride my bike up and she goes, "', would you like to meet for a beer after work? And I go, yeah. And then I'd ride my bike up and she'd go,

oh, it's so lovely to see you. And then we'd have a couple beers and then we'd ride our bikes home and we'd eat like a little bowl of rice or whatever, like Stockholm people do, and just go to bed with a little hot milk. I was like, I never got to live that life. I never got to live, I never married a French chick

who was like smoking cigarettes in the morning off the balcony with no bra on. She's like, these fuck poetry, you know, or whatever, like all those chicks around the world, so now I was like curious, what chick in what scenario, in what country, do you look and go fuck, I'll never get one of those? Oh yeah, I mean basically all of them.

I mean they're all gone. But name one that you go. I mean the French one's pretty exciting. The the oh look at her look at her look at her yeah look at her she's right there look at her the one in the fucking corner yeah that's what dude I was just explaining that type in Stockholm woman See if I maybe look. Oh, yeah, and then she goes Oh, it's so good to see you my mama and a papa coming by later Maybe we get a little little bit of beer now not too much and then my mama daddy papa papa would like to go have one of you

She's special needs. Yeah. All right. Let's go. Okay, what's... The Italian version. I mean, that would be cool. Type in a hot Italian woman. Italian chick on a Vespa who's just like, I'll drive, and you're like, okay. Um... Hey, Tommy, that's the... That's the man my momma and daddy made a bread when I was a little girl.

There she is. She's right... Look at her, look at her. She's hot, dude. Japanese? Dude, I got a geisha one night? Yeah. That was the greatest night of my life. That's fucking cool, dude. I'll tell you what? Yeah, no type in hot geisha Serving you she served me all night. Yeah, she's she sat in my room while I slept She sat while you slept. She sat in my room while I slept. She sat while you slept? She sat in my room while I slept.

I had, dude, one of the greatest nights of my life. Was a geisha night. Kyoto, Japan. Yeah. We go to, we get a geisha. She sits with me through dinner. She was, you know, we're doing trip flips, so she sits with me, but she's my geisha. She sits with me.

She laughs at everything I say. She doesn't speak English. She's laughing at everything Right, I tell her, you know, hey, can I get another beer? She goes has beer. I was telling her about sake bombs. She hadn't done sake bombs I was like, how the fuck is that possible? I'm doing sake bombs and then she's there time for me to go to bed. So she takes me to my room She makes my bed undoes my bed. She gets all my clothes out I tell her I have explained to her I have a flight in the morning that I I have a flight early and so I and I have to shower but there's no shower and she says, you know, whatever. Don't worry. Don't worry

I'll bathe you with my hands. She sits in the corner of my room when I slept I don't think I passed out But I don't know if I I woke up and she was sitting in the corner of my room and she saw me wake up And she got out she drew a bath. It was snowing It was fucking snowing. I got a picture of this. I took a picture I wanted to take a picture of me her in the bath, but I was naked So I was like she drew a bath. It's snowing outside Tom and then she brought me a fucking Sapporo in the bath It's snowing outside. It's still dark. My geisha hasn't slept all night long. I fucking

power-napped. I'm in a bath. It's snowing. Tom, it's one of the most beautiful fucking mornings of my life. Look at this picture of this Japan. What was her tits itch like? She wasn't that attractive to be honest with you. I was in Osaka. No, I was in Kyoto. Look at this, Tom. Yeah. This was my bath. That was my bath in the snow. This is me trying to take a picture of me and my Geisha. Yeah, that's not so good. I bet I have a picture of my, that's me. She dressed me to go on the airplane.

Nice. That's the clothes she laid out. That's how you flew? That's the clothes she laid out. And I was like, I can't have it. Where are my, where are the rest of my clothes? Oh, you know another girlfriend? Who?

Like the racist, southern, you know. It's not all it's cracked up to be. Oh. No, it is a good girlfriend is the redneck. Redneck girlfriends, I've had one. I have one, I'm married to one. Yeah, right. and they're fucking she's just dropping slurs all the time and I wish Sam was a little more racist yeah that'd be cool she said

something the other day she said something in the car the other day and I'd never heard her say it she goes goes, oh, we said that all day, all my life growing up. Oh, oh, good goody. Someone tell Leanna to text me what she said. Good goody. It was so stupid, Tom. And I was like, but you know, here's the cool thing about this redneck chick. I'm going to blow up redneck chicks for a second. Surfer girlfriend? You ever have that? No. That's a pretty good one.

That would be a surfer girlfriend. Okay. What about, about a hiking Colorado girlfriend? Oh, yeah, that's another one Surfer girls cool surfer girls surfer girl would be badass. Yeah How about How about the New York chick? How New York? I don't know. I can't do like Long Island accent. No, that's rough. Yeah, okay like that Philly accent It's on it's all my cousins. Yeah, you want me to suck your cock? Yeah, I went out with a girl from Boston once who had a heavy Boston accent and I would go limp as she spoke. She was, yeah. Wait, type in, I just want to see if it has hot, hot Boston girl disgusting accent.

Pfft. Best box accent, okay, let's see this best. Can we hear it? Oh my God, lady. All right, real quick, don't even think about it. TD Garden. TD Garden. Musla. Musla. Fenway Park. Fenway Park. lady all right real quick don't even think about it td garden td garden muffla fenway park car carter but in that squash oh kata that's my favorite

that's an intense accent yeah i bet you i bet it grows on you i bet if i bet if i bet it grows on you we I bet it grows on you. We just didn't grow up around it. No. I don't know if it grows on you. I think it does. Ah, come on. Pout your pecker. Come on, let me see that cack.

You want to? Let me see that cack. It's like having sex with Bobby Kelly. Yes, rough, dude. Hey, hey, dude. Dude, let me suck your cack. Yeah. Come on, let me see your little pecker. Hey, pull up your little pecker. I don't remember. You like that? No, I don't, hey, dude. Let me suck your cock. Yeah

Like that, no, I don't know if I could Pittsburgh's a rough one Pittsburgh Pittsburgh accent yin's yin's downtime. That's an intense, but I think here's the deal. I think I think okay, so obviously french accent French accent italian accent. What about like a sophisticated brit? that's kind of hot because you know that like she's gonna be super proper all the time but then just like a total fucking whore in bed. Dude, that's the whole thought behind Brazzers. Really?

Brazzers is all British chicks and you hear like a British chick. Dude, the posh British accent. Yeah. Type in posh British chick gets fucked. I wonder what they sound like when they have sex. Horr-a-night! Okay. Yeah. Okay, we gotta hear her talk though. Yeah, there she is, just talking a little bit. Let's hear it. Do you like Deep Throat Baby? Okay. This might just be a cool trailer. I think it is a cool trailer. How do we get the- that's not even a real dick.

That is a real dick. Wait. Come on, I need her to say something like get me a cup of tea. Okay. Alright. I feel bad that there's girls working in there that are all watching this. Yeah. There you go. Oh, this is a little creepy. The fucking audio sucks on these.

What is this, from 93? There you go. Like when they're too dumb to read. It's like, you can't fucking read. By the way, I can't have them dressed up like children. Clearly a girl's running this page. Talking? Nevermind guys. Whoa!

Holy shit. This shouldn't take us too long at all. We'll just make it a nice little Saturday afternoon. Oh, okay. There we go. So this shouldn't take us too long at all. We'll just make it a nice little Saturday afternoon refresher lesson. Cool. All right. Nice. They're driving to school.

Get to the action, guys. Okay. We'll back it up a little bit. I want to see how that happened. Did she start to fail her test right there? Oh. Cool. Did she start to fail her test right there? Cool just watching porn with my bro today

All right, just hanging out watching porn with my buddy rock hard. Yeah, I gotta look like an actor Yeah, all right. You can get this off. Okay, so like let's rank them top five hottest chick chick accents. I Mean I think French mm-hmm Italian Italian Spanish Greek British Jesus American doesn't even hold now. We got so many different accents in here. No plus American bitches. They're all fucking they got too many ideas You know You almost want a stereotypical submissive, like, Italian, like, Hey, that's okay, you can have a lady to have a sex with also on the side, just like the guy that made the car, Ferrari.

Sophia Vargaara, fucking best accent. Colombian. She's from Colombia. Jesus Christ. The Spanish accent is so fucking hot. Sexiest accents around the world, number one is British. Okay, number two, French. Number three, Italian, we're hitting the side of the park. Number four, Australian. The Aussie accent.

Ugh, nah, nah, nah. Now that's no cock. Yeah, five Spanish. Yeah, there we go. That's good. Irish. Irish. Put it in me stinker Hmm put it in me stinker Hey, I put it in me stinker would you?

Scottish I wouldn't mom fucking in yours How can you rub a clue? Okay, American southerly and there you are your number eight Who's like Portuguese sexy as hell fuck? Yeah, I met some Sexy as hell fuck yeah, I met some African South African accents are fucking it's super sexy best that fucking hottest South African chick the girl from fucking Diant word oh She is so beautiful that accent is sexy. She is put in your landy. Yeah, but your landy fusser Just get her to talk Yeah Get her talking yeah, she talks Just get her to talk Yeah

Get her talking. Yeah, she talks Okay, it's hot. Oh, dude. Her accent is so fucking hot Go back to a part where she has a microphone in her hand, I think he just holds it the whole time He does a lot of the talking. Okay. Here we go does a lot of the talking. Okay here we go. Got the motherfucking beatbox done. Promise. There you go. Blue guy over there is God. It's quite cute.

It's unexpected. Yeah it's unexpected. And I also got this Satan weed smoking evil t-shirt. To warn children about weed and it can make you Satan. Yeah sure. She's got such a, she's got a hot accent. Yeah she does. Okay. What, you sick. Yeah, sure. She's got such a, she's got a hot accent. Yes, she does. Okay, you ready? Yeah.

Top five dude accents. Number one's gonna be American. That's the number one. Hottest male accents. Number one's American, I guarantee you. Why? Listen to us. We speak flawless.

We don't sound silly. We sound normal. We sound hottest male accents. No, hang on, wait. It's the same exact list. Wait, American Southern is attractive as opposed to just American regular? I have zero accent. You? I have zero accent.

I have zero. You're saying it so confidently that I believe you're wrong. No. I have no accent. You have a neutral accent. I'm. You're saying it so confidently that I believe you're wrong. No. I have no accent. You have a neutral accent. I'm a neutral accent. Do I sound like I'm from Boston? No.

Do I sound like I'm from Philly? No. Do I sound like I'm from Georgia? No, but you have a hint of something. I got a hint of just American. Just good, perfect American. Good, perfect American. This is, if you said, give me a bland,

give me a baseline American accent, it's what I sound like. You think so? So do you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. So all the dudes in this thing, but if you talk to Ron White, he has an accent. Oh, for sure.

Okay, Joe, Joe had, I don't know, did Joe have an accent? He had a stronger one 20 years ago. Yeah. It's faded away. I was with a dude, this is so wild. I can't remember his name. He's got a new series called The Devil May Cry on, type it in. He went to WWE with me. Devil May Cry. This was wild. I think his name is, I think his name is Aide, Ede? The creator? The guy who created it? No fucking shit fuck.

It looks like they're all Japanese. No, no, no, no, no. He's the guy that directed the Netflix series. I apologize. I can't remember. I'm so sorry I can't remember. Director? Director. Okay. Director. Okay. That's it. Okay. I.D.'s it. Okay.

Adi Shankar. Okay. I had, I apologize, I'm gonna overshare a little bit. Uh, Adi. That's a crazy eyeliner he's got on. Well he's into like, anime, gosh shit, and like, he's like, first of all, he's wildly talented. Devil May Cry is pretty fucking awesome,

and I'm not even into anime, and I'm seven episodes in. And but this is what's so insane, and once again I apologize if I'm not meaning, just trying to tell the story right. So he's talking to us. He's like, yeah, it's so nice to meet you man. It's really, he's like, it was so fun sitting next to you. I never drank, I drank with you guys, I had such a good time.

And then we're talking and I said, you know, you fucking, where are you from? And he was like, I'm born in India, grew up in Singapore. But I came here, you know, like five years ago or seven years So come on. I was like really I mean you have no accent. He goes. Oh, this isn't my real accent I said one he goes I do this just to blend in it's easier I said really he goes and then he does this is how I talk, you know that no not

You know, I'm not good at accents, but like a full-blown Indian accent Yeah, he goes. This is how I think, in an Indian accent, this is how I think, this is how I talk, but you know, it's just easier to assimilate just to talk like this to you. So I talk like this. And I was like, that's fucking wild. Well, so many people from around the world

can do the American accent because they have so much exposure to it around the clock for like their entire lives. So it'd be like if we put on, if we put on TV and there was like always an Indian show on, like always from the time you were born and you flip the channel and it's like 10 other and there's fucking 20 movies that you would, and it's all, you would just be like be able to switch it on so fast. Yeah.

But that's why they can do the American access so well is because they consume so much American entertainment. Dude, that guy was fucking fascinating. He was talking, I guess maybe you're not supposed to share everything people talk to you about when you're drunk. So maybe I shouldn't share everything, but he was talking about arranged marriages. Pretty crazy.

Bro, they bring you smoke shows. Sometimes. They bring you smoke shows. And. They bring you smoke shows. Yeah. And by the way, his wife is beautiful. He married his wife, he was like, I'm not gonna arrange marriage. Fell in love with his wife, married his wife.

We had drinks with them. This was after WWE? We all went to the bar at the Four Seasons and had drinks. And he showed me a picture of one of his arranged marriages and I was like, oh, oh, oh. And like, and they're arranged marriages, like I was like, oh, oh, oh. And the arranged marriages, they're doing it with the millionaires.

Did you ever watch that Netflix show about arranged Indian marriages? No. It's so fucking good. Dude, I would like to be an Indian arranged marriages. This show is great. It's really good. And you meet people that are Indian matchmaking.

Yeah. What is this? It's on Netflix. It's so good. Really? And that are Indian matchmaking. Yeah. What is this? It's on Netflix. It's so good. Really? And she's the matchmaker and you have like people that are just, like she's pairing them together, she's watching them and then they switched

a couple that's been together 40 years and they're like yeah we got. It works. It works a lot of times. Do you, what do you think if they had arranged a marriage between you and Push, didn't know her, they just walked you into a room, sat you on a bed, put a marriage between you and push didn't know her mm-hmm They just walked you into a room sat you on a bed put a lay on your neck Yeah, put a lay on her neck and sat you next to each other and this is your wife. Yeah, what first impressions?

Would you what would you have said? I would have liked it. Yeah. Yeah, I like what do you think push? What do you think push would have said? I don't know about this fucking guy Which is exactly what happened Pretty much same here. I was like I really like her and she was like, uh, Leanne would walked in and walked right out. She'd be like, nah, nah. No, no, no. Christina would be like, forever? This fucking guy? Forever? Yeah.

And I'd be like, cool, cool. Yeah. Is she coming to the gay bar tonight? No. Why not? I don't know. With the boys. Start bringing the boys out?

Yeah. Can't they watch him? They would love a Bear Bar. Can they? They would love a Bear Bar. They would love a Bear Bar. They would love a Bear Bar. They would love a Bear Bar. bar tonight? No. Why not? I don't know. It was the boys. Serving the boys out. Yeah. Can't they watch them? They would love a Gara, a bear bar. Can they watch themselves yet? No. How old are they? Six and nine. Oh, at nine. I was walking to the store by myself. Yeah. I don't think you know these guys that well. You don't want them alone. Uh,

yeah, it's going to be so fucking fun, man. It's going to be a blast. I wonder if we'll see like some wild, like just when you turn your head and you're like, oh, that guy's blowing that guy over there. Like, oh, I hope so. Yeah, I hope I hope if we just get the word out, if they could just you know how like, you know, like when you go bungee jumping the guys fuck with you a little bit and they're like, yeah, we haven't lost anyone like a month and you're like, what? Yeah. And they kind of like turn it on a little bit. Yeah, I hope they do that to us a little bit. They're like, yeah, we haven't lost anyone like my month and you're like what? Yeah, and they kind of like turn it on a little bit. Yeah, I hope they do that to us a little bit They're like, yeah fall if you guys weren't here, we all be fucking and sucking. Yeah Let's see. Hey you guys you guys shout the glory hole back there. No

Are you serious glory hole I could deal with would you do a glory hole? No milking table? Yes, glory. No, no, wait What's that? Why milking table? yes. Glory to old now. Wait, what's the, why? Milking table, I think is- Because you're so relaxed? I think, well, the idea of standing and getting a blowjob kind of drives me nuts. Like my knees would be shaking and maybe the hole's not high enough and I gotta squat the whole time.

And you're so pressed up against it. Yeah, and you're like this, but a milking table you just lay on, you get to pick your angle. Yeah. Yeah. Why would you pick guy milking table? Why put girl? There you go, I could definitely do that he's got a piece on I guess definitely definitely definitely do that I think that'd be awesome. Yeah, I would what I really trick you though, right? No, she'd walk you into the room

She'd be like lay here and then she'd be like now I'm gonna go down there and take care of business. And then like some guy named Fred would just walk in and suck you off. And then at that very end, you'd be like, wait a minute, who did it? And then Fred would go. As you're getting a blow job, she comes up, she goes, you want me to rub your back?

And I'm like, wait, where the fuck? Who's down there? Who's down there? Yeah. Would it matter? I mean, you still come. So I don't know. All right, what have I told you? Yeah.

We've got a milking table. I would love to try a milking table. It's probably a girl. It's probably a girl. But it's the best blowjob you're gonna have in your life if you'd like to try it. And so you try it and it's the greatest blowjob. See, that looks awesome.

That looks fucking great. Look at him, he's on his phone. Yeah, he's playing a game. I don't think, see, I don't think Leanne would be into a milking table What's this one right here? drink up down

left there which yeah, she's about to Shoot it all over herself. That's crazy It's I felt like I like that that she prioritized her comfort too. She's got like an ergonomic chair down there. She's not like, I'm just gonna like lay under, she's like, prop me up. Oh, I bet that blow job is so hard to give. Yeah.

It's like drinking a milkshake upside down. And your head keeps hitting the bottom of the table. Yeah, I bet a glory hole's better for, a glory hole works easier for the person on the receiving side of the She would do the milking table or no lian. Yeah No, I think that she would lian's got this weird thing about like, uh it being even Like I don't think like there's no lian has no taste for dominance or like subservience like I don't i'm being dead serious

I'm i'm being dead serious. I i'm curious if she would answer this, if she's hearing this. Leanne is not the kind of chick that will give you a blowjob on her knees. Like, that's like, no. The fuck, what am I, your servant? No. Fucking, it's not enjoyable for me. What are you gonna be, stand dominantly over?

That's like Leanne's energy. So she doesn't, and I mean, quite honestly, she kind of wears the pants of our family. So like, I don't think a milking table she wouldn't be like yeah Why don't I get the bottom the table and suck your cock while you rest in a fucking massage chair? It just doesn't seem like Liam yeah now you say like that. I don't have Christina respond I'll just buy one and just put it in the like I bought her I bought her Leanne if you don't like me saying this,

I can take this out. So we got, our sex has been pretty fucking insane lately. That's great man. And one of the things, I had this dream, I had this dream one night that Leanne was in a nurse's outfit and it was a white latex nurse's outfit and she came up to me and she goes, hey I just need to take a sample real quick.

And she put her hand in my pants and it was like the hottest dream I ever woke. I woke up like crazy. So I went and I tried to buy a nurse's outfit. And I got kind of one, but it wasn't what I was looking for, but I got it. It's like more like a Halloween costume.

It was like a sexy one. And one night, I think we're both little buzzed and she was like, I was like, yeah, I put it down on the bed just later on the bed. And Leanne's like, oh, fuck it, I put it out on the bed just later on the bed and Leanne's like fuck it I'll try it and bro It was crazy. It was like maybe I'm saying I sometimes will tell Leanne just so you know that's going in my memory bank that moment

Yeah, I've got like three things are in my memory bank five things. Yeah, that's one of them So then I go yo, I need to get latex nurses outfit So I type in latex and this thing comes up and it's like fucking and hot. It's hot I mean, it's so type in on Amazon a red latex outfit and it's his outfit what no It's not a nurse's outfit, but it's I got it off Amazon and I was like, holy shit. This is so sexy I show it to Leanna. She goes Absolutely not It's it's it's more like go down, it's almost full bodied.

So it's like, it's feet, wrists to ankles, that's it, that's it, that's it. And Leanne saw it and she goes, absolutely not. Why? Dude, it's rubber. Like you need to lube yourself up to get into it and she was like this might be a little bit much for me so that's but that's Leanne's energy like she was $38 that's not I might have gotten the more expensive one because I bought two and they were I think they were custom-made yeah and so they just sit in our but the best is I like comes home she was like yo mom what's up with the nurse's costume? And Leanne's like, you shouldn't be going through drawers. Isla goes, argh!

Wait, wait, wait, before we go, before we go, I wanna talk about MSG. MSG was the absolute best. You said something to me a long time ago that I have kept in my head. I mean, I'd like to do MSG. It's not my bucket list thing. I think I've done my bucket list things,

like the Gorge, Red Rocks, those are my speed. I like the outdoor stuff. But you said something one time, because I remember we were talking to a friend and he asked us to do MSG with him. And you said to the friend, this should be your play. You should do MSG by yourself. And you said to me, I would like to do MSG by myself.

Like no offense, if I do MSG, I want it to be my night. And I fucking registered so heavily, as I was looking at the videos, I looked at the videos, I was like, dude, this is a big night for him. Yeah, it was awesome. Is it, out of all the shows you've done, you've done big venues. Yeah.

Is it MSG, does it feel different than say the United Center or the Forum? I think so. Well, here's the thing, because I was trying to figure out why. I was like, I go, man, that was, it was really crazy. And you know, when you go, I've always felt like this, I don't know if you have,

but when you do New York and LA, even if you have a big venue and it's packed, sometimes you're like, yeah, the crowd was kind of like, they were good, but you don't feel like, man, that crowd was great. Almost because you go, well, they know they're the primary market of the world. So there's almost like an air of like, yeah, like we're here, fucking you better be great.

Right, like we got a lot of options here, man. Like that's kind of like how I feel in LA and New York sometimes, I've had great shows in both cities, but that's, you walk out sometimes you're like, that was like fine. Like that's how I felt when I did the forum. The forum to me felt like they were like, they were good, but they were also kind of like, okay.

So I was like, you know, I know this is sold out, it's packed and I have a crazy lineup, but I was like, I wonder how they're gonna be. Like how they're gonna be as an audience. That was really the only thing in my mind. They were like, Christina pointed out to me, I was like, dude, they were- Was she there?

She went there, yeah. The boys come? No, she just flew up for it. But she goes, I go, they were so, they were doing, they weren't just like energetic. It was like after every bit, they would cheer. Yeah. I felt like it was like a special taping.

And she goes, I think they know it's a big deal that you're at MSG. So they're telling you like, we're responding in a way that's like special because we know it's special that you're at this venue. I mean, Redman was a surprise and he just... Not for you. No, no, I'm saying...

For them, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, you didn't know? No, no, no, I knew. But like when he walked out, like I introduced him, like I got a special surprise, and he came out to time for some action and then did like a mix mash set. I mean, it was fucking nuts. Like when he walked out, I introduced him, like I got a special surprise, and he came out to time for some action, and then did like a mix mash set.

I mean it was fucking nuts. And then all my, the comics were, nobody knew. So like I bring up Chris DeStefano. Crazy. I gotta say this, Chris DeStefano's doing Madison Square Garden September 11th this year. He has the best September 11th story I've ever heard. The best one ever, so keep going.

So no, he had an incredible set, then he brings up Diaz, which is just insane. I mean, it's insane. He's wearing sweatpants, he's got a bandaid on his ear. We're like, you're walking to the gate at an airport, and he just, and we're like, what do you, Chris asked him, he's like, oh, you have like a set list? He's like, I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Like five minutes before. He just wings it. And then yeah, I came out and it was like, it felt like, you know when you splash, when you type a special, you tape one and it's like, they're amped up more than normal. That's what the whole set felt like. So it was, yeah, it was really, really fun.

That's so fucking awesome. Yeah, it was very, very fun. And now how much more touring are you doing? So I tore through the spring I have the you just added fall dates right, but I have the summer off completely off. Oh, I'm not mom taking summer off I'm going back. I go when do you start I start back up August 28th? So I only have one gig in in June like that's like just happens to be there, but I have basically June off, July off. Nowhere near each other on these tour dates. I start September 18th as well.

And then I go into December and then I'm done. By the way, if you want to see Tom, do stand up live. This is your last opportunity. I'm being dead serious and you know that I'm kind of accurate. You will not tour easily for another two years after this. Easily and I will be shocked if you tour at all ever again. Ever again? Me? I'm gonna be out there for a while. I love doing stand-up though. I know but you'll do it in home and you're not gonna tour. Perm can already tell. Okay, all right. Permission to Party Award Tour starts for me September 18th I think as well.

Okay. Permission to what? Permission to Party. Oh, permission to Party. Permission to Party, I'm at Hard Rock, or I'm at Red Rocks, October 1st I think, or October 4th. But yeah, I'm excited. I'm excited to get back on the road.

I just started doing standup again and it feels fucking great. I said to myself, I literally, we had this talk about ourselves doing stand-up again and it feels fucking great. I said to myself, I literally, we had this talk about ourselves doing stand-up. Yeah. And I was like, I don't know. I just was like, I don't know, am I gonna just keep doing this?

And I go, I got one more special. You know what, I'll do this stand-up. We talked about this the other week. I said, I'm gonna do this hour, do this tour, I'm gonna record that special and then I may be done. I actually said that. And then I went on stage in Vegas, and I went, oh fuck, I forgot how much I love this.

This is everything I am. I actually said, I actually started going through what I could get rid of. It's curious, I'm curious to hear your answers. And I wonder if I've said this to you. What I could get rid of, okay? First thing I get rid of? It's curious. I'm curious to hear your answers. And I wonder if I've said this to you, what I could get rid of. Okay. Yeah. First, first thing I get rid of is acting. Yeah. I would, if you said you got to pick, we're, we're, we're empty in the boat.

I get rid of acting first. Yeah. Then Burt cast. Then something's burning. Then two bears. Then stand up. That's not, that's bears, then stand up. That's my list. What would you be? Would you get rid of stand up or your mom's house? Fuck man, I don't wanna get rid of either one. No, no, no, you gotta empty the boat.

What's the most important to you? Cause I started thinking, you know, I feel like I'm, I especially want in promoting this special, lucky that streaming right now on Netflix, and promoting the special, I felt like I'm, especially in promoting this special, Lucky, that's streaming right now on Netflix, in promoting this special, I felt very overexposed. I felt like I was everywhere and I was bothering me. Because I don't want to be doing all of it, but you have to do it.

Because some guy might see all of them, but there's a guy who just watches one thing. All he watches is Good Morning Mythical Kitchen. He doesn't, and so I felt overexposed, and I was like, man, if I just, what if I just got rid of some stuff? You can get rid of some stuff. And I just go, what if I just did stand up, like Louie, I just did stand up.

You know, that's a big conversation happening in New York right now is a lot of comics that we respect, like Colin Quinn and Louie and the older guys, they're all like, you guys should all get rid of your podcasts. They're like, you're not journalists. You shouldn't be talking about politics. You shouldn't be talking about politics. You shouldn't be talking about world events.

And these funny thoughts you have, you should be writing them down and you should be trying them on stage and you'd be a better comic. I mean, I don't disagree with them. Yeah. I mean, luckily I don't say that much funny stuff on podcasts so I'm not burning too much.

Well, hopefully we don't have to empty the boat. Wait isn't there two bears one cave hat? Yeah. Oh. I can get you one. Thanks. You like it? Yeah I do. Yeah. You like hats? I like hats. Oh. Okay. Okay. All right. All right let's wrap it up. We got shit to do man. Bad thoughts. April 15th, May 13th, uh permission to party world tours September and 18th Tom Segura, if you want to see him live last time before he retires ever do the same wait I mean we're on rockford at the same fucking day Oh, that's my schedule. Oh, i'm i'm in rockford september 18th. Yeah, yeah. Milwaukee, St. Paul, Minnesota, Duluth, Eugene, Oregon.

I'm doing Eugene, Oregon. That's cool. And Red Rocks. Red Rocks are your favorite. October 1st. Yeah. Salt Lake City, Idaho Falls, Nampa, Idaho. Oh, how's your new stuff?

You have to have a new thing, right? New hour? Yeah. It's awesome. Is it? Awesome. Dude, I did two hours the other night. Jesus. I did two hours and I have the best joke.

I have, see this is the thing that sucks about me on podcasts is like, cause I was talking to DeStefano and he's like, yeah you can tell a joke on a podcast and then use it in your special. I go, I can't. If I did one time with you, one time with you, I said I took a shit next to a dude in Japan

that was so bad the guy in the stall next to me threw up and you laughed and then I said, and I was in Japan, I thought he was trying to talk to me and you laughed even harder and I tried it the next week on stage and I watched a dude in this audience go fuck so that's why I save all my good thoughts so if you think I suck it's cuz I try to keep my good thoughts there are people like who go oh you've talked I've gotten mess you

talked about that stuff in the podcast I'm, yeah now it's a stand-up Yeah, it's not I try to keep anything stand up out of the podcast. That's smart. All right, we gotta run I love you. Love you Then Burt's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call, Two Bears, One Cave.