2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Bert’s Biggest Fears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 179

Episode Date: April 3, 2023

Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer are back together in the bear cave for this episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave! They discuss flying on private jets, Bert’s experience getting pranked by Andrew Schulz on Flagrant, both of their biggest fears, funny family stories, filming comedy specials, hanging with NFL players, and more! Plus, they watch a clip of Machine Gun Kelly confronting Sam Tripoli research patron saints for Tom to choose, and reveal some of their favorite comedians.https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://www.bertbertbert.com/tourhttps://store.ymhstudios.com/

I got fucking wasted after Pegas. No. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha It sounds like a swipe right. Yeah, thanks, sir. 100% I'm not stupid. Hey guys, brand new episode of Two Bears One Cave. I'm in the driver's seat. I'm taking control of things and we are on the West Coast. My guest is a podcaster, a comedian. That's up, man.

Hey, what's going on with you? Oh. That's not man. Hey, what's going on with you? Oh. That's not man. Hey, what's going on with you? Oh. That's not man.

Hey, what's going on with you? Oh. That's not man. Hey, what's going on with you? That's not man. Hey, what's going on with you? That's not man. Hey, what's going on with you?

That's not man. Hey, what's going on with you? That's not man. Hey, what's going on with you? That's not man. Hey, what's going on with you? That's not man. Hey, what have fucking, I love my wife. You bring this up sometimes. I know, I can't believe how much I love her. You always say how lucky she is.

Oh, she's very lucky to have me. I think anyone's lucky to have me. I'm like a fucking awesome. I'm a grandma. You know, I can't believe, I wonder if there are girls wouldn't it be cool if there was an app that would, that you could, it's like almost like Facebook, right?

But then people could just rate how awesome you are. No, and no, they go, they could, all the people in your past lives could go, man, I missed out, I should have dated him. All right, did date him and I fucked it up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wouldn't that be, do you? That would be kind of, it would be a nice ego bump, I think.

Yeah. And if the app filtered out people who were like, fuck that guy, he's the, I can just erase those. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's only positive ones. I went, I was in a private jet one time and I went to,

Oh, is that where you were? Yeah, and I went to, I went to, they all take them. They all take. Who's they? They, the fucking liars, the liars. They're, they, lot of liars out there. There's a lot of liars out there

Yeah, you know I talked to someone one time who's like I don't know what the person's accent because then you'll know exactly who it was yeah, they were like I'm gonna do it really bad because if I did their accent you know what I was talking about okay I don't understand why you paint post-apicture of yourself on a private jet And I went because I'm on a fucking private jet. I go regular people, not people who pretend to be regular. Yeah, this is actually starting to almost sway me where the whole thing has always been, don't show yourself in those situations.

And you go, okay. And now, because I know so many people that pretend to be regular in. Yeah, yeah. And they're on those. I'm like, just fucking show it. Just show it. Because you know what a regular person does?

Do you know what your dad would do? Your dad, who is a regular person, would take a picture of himself on a private jet and send it to his friends, and if you knew how to operate Facebook, he'd post it on the air. Right, it's like, do you ever do it regularly, and then you bring somebody with you who doesn't,

and then they just go like, this is awesome. Cause it is an amazing experience. My agent. And when we got done razzle dazzle, I flew everyone home on a private jet. Yeah. I I thought it was a treat right everyone got COVID, but yeah Cool treat cool treat everyone got covered. We're all we got we got monocle man. Anybody's at the FPL Man, I'm trying to put the hospital anyway, it was a treat. Yeah, so but everyone of them I want all the people to work with me that are all you know, I've always been more successful

We're all taking pictures. Everyone takes picture. It's a natural thing. It is. It's like if you catch a fish and you just go, well, I know I caught it and you put it back. It's a big picture. It's a Marlin picture. You can't fucking Marlin.

Yeah, I get it. And so that's how I try. If you're gonna be an old person, be a fucking normal person. So wait, what were you just saying though? You said one time I was on. I was on a private jet and then we stopped to talk about that, but you were telling a story about it.

Okay. Okay. No, it's gone. Okay. I should be getting COVID pretty soon. Why is that? I'm coughing. I'm getting a little bit of fucking.

Okay. Take a week off. Be nice. Relax. They should have COVID vacations. So you had great sex. Great sex. put it down. Put it down.

Oh, one time I was about to take my private private jet and I was posting it on the thing and I went to tag. Someone and I, my ex-girlfriend actually when I, in the name came up and I went, I should tag her. Oh right. Oops, my bad. I know.

I wonder if it's, I wish I could, I should tag girls that I went on a date with like just for, you went on a date with, like just for a day, like a couple times for a month when I was an open-micro and I was locking, you know, like, locking videos. That's who should be tagged in those things.

When they're like, it's a fucking loser. Yeah. Yeah. I got fucking wasted after Vegas. Yeah. Yeah. I got fucking wasted after Vegas. No. Yeah, I believe you. Did you add a fucking 32 ounce to Kila on stage?

I know, I gotta stop drinking those. I'm gonna be sober this weekend. This weekend? Yeah, and like workout, feel good about myself. Okay. Treat myself. What's the treat? To wake up and feel good.

Oh, I don't feel good. That's a nice treat. It's crazy that you think of that as a treat. Well, I look at you today and you look good. You look like healthy. Well, I didn't drink last night. Why did you do? Just sit there.

Yeah. That didn't feel great though. Oh, well, just sat there. Yeah, I had some rice and I had a chicken. I was walking me through this night. Yeah, I had some rotisserie chicken. In your hotel? Yeah.

You buy yourself out here? Yeah, is your trainer? No, he's not with me now. You just, you buy yourself? I'm just buying myself. No team time. No team time alone. Wow, big meetings.

I have a couple of meetings. I'm gonna treat you stuff tonight. I don't, you know, I'll go to bed at a reasonable hour. Do you want me to plan a prank for you? No. Speaking of which, should we talk about my results appearance? Yes. So Andrew's good as a, he has this real schedule.

Shultz were talking about. I'm talking about Andrew Shultz. If you don't know, he's got a podcast called Flagrant. I'm sure it's been out. I have not were talking about it. I'm talking about Andrew Shultz. If you don't know, he's got a podcast called Flagrant. I'm sure it's been out. I have not said anything about it, but I had, it was a rollercoaster of emotion. He's done this before, by the way,

with I forget, somebody else was coming on that I know, and he, this is a good, it's a clever, like, producing move where he'll be like, so and so is coming on. Anything to like bring up, anything that would be fun to talk about. And so you kind of go like, oh, this or that. And then with you, I feel like the question was more, I thought it was more pointed, like, is there anything that's like, let me, I'll even look it up.

But he asks this, right? He's like, what's, and he, and you, when you realize that when somebody does, like, let me, I'll even look it up. But he asks this, right? He's like, what's, and he, and he, and he, when you realize that when somebody does like this, this question for their, for their show, you're like, oh, this is like, this is actually a really effective way to gain insight that they would otherwise. And it doesn't take long to ask this, right? Yeah.

So he's like, what is something interesting, funny, where we can tap into about him? And I'm like, well, he hates clowns and balloons. And he's like, what? And I go, he hates them. He hates them. So we go back and forth about it. And I was like, and then I go,

if you do the, I tell him, if you do, if you do that at the beginning, you might not have a podcast. So I go, if you do the, I tell him, if you do that at the beginning, you might not have a podcast. So I go, it was a very accurate insight. I told him, I go, if you do that at the beginning, you might not have, did you do the beer thing? Yeah, that was stupid.

Okay, well I was like, that's funny. It's a funny concept. It's a funny concept. How do you just done the beer thing? I think that would have been hilarious. All right, what do I do? Let me rephrase. And let me tell you, look, I said balloons, we do that

are clowns, I do it near the end if you're gonna surprise him because he'll get all jittery and not, as I tell him, you made a very accurate, I did not, I did not, the beer thing was funny, the beer thing was funny because they, they, Well, tell them what it is. So they, he gave me non-alcoholic beer and they all drank non-alcohol beer.

And I was like a cush, I thought like, I knew he didn't drink. So I was like, why it's not like he's drinking. So I was like, what ever, do they give me non-alcohol beer? If you're in a writer's room and they go Berk Ryesh was coming in, what if we all drank regularly,

we're in a game, it's a funny, it's a very funny. It's a very, it's been very funny. It was overwhelmed by my reaction to the clown. Okay, and I hear my quick, did it happen earlier late? Cause I haven't seen it. The clowns.

Send in the clowns. It happened in the middle of the podcast. And I shut down. I shut, I mean, I don't know how they've edited it. Is there a reason, I know we've talked about what I know, I know why you don't like that. I gotta be dead honest with you. I don't know why I, I don't know why I don't like them. I gotta be dead honest with you. I don't know why I behave the way I did.

I have no control over it. Does a six year old birdcrasher hate clowns? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've always hated clowns. I guess it's not that unusual. The weird one for sure is balloons. Yeah. And I gotta be honest with you,

the, I think the balloons were worse than the clown for me. It was one clown, right? One clown who was his producer, Dove, or his manager, his buddy, Dove. And Dove, I will tell you, I'm not telling you privately, but publicly, I think they felt really horrible. Because of how much you shut down. I shut down. Tom, I haven't seen the clip. I was there.

I shut down. I shut down. Tom, I haven't seen the clip. I was there. I shut down. I was angry, but I also was aware that I was on, I was being filmed. And there is an entertainer part of me. Even in my worst, and we ended up talking about phobias. I did not know I was gonna get this bad. I really didn't.

And I wish I could, I'm really embarrassed of how bad I look because I, I mean, it is Asinine. It is Asinine that I'm like, I froze, I shut down, I couldn't move. I cannot believe it's this intense. I know. I mean, I, I wonder if I should get,

I wonder if I should see if Schultz can get us a clip. I mean, he's got a clip. Yeah, I'm sure he does. Yeah. I don't know. Oh, it's, I think it's better if you, let's just go to his Yeah, I'm sure he does. Yeah. I don't know. It's better if you let's go to his podcast. Go to Flagrack. You can watch it. We were having a good conversation and he was asking me,

he was like, you know, what was it like in the old days doing Rogan? And it's interesting that all those guys, all those guys, I mean, there's so much to unpack here, because what's fascinating to me, a little sidebar, is we all got into podcasting because we hated We're not hated, but we didn't like traditional radio like morning zoos. Yeah, and stuff and then as I'm about to say that Andrew comes in with a morning zoo prank. Sure. Like it's a tradition. He's that's Andrew's a group of guys

And there's a group of guys. It's a wacky guy like you can get in the clowns He's very close and can get in the clown, he's very clowns. And I was fucking, I was shut down. And I immediately, my first reaction is, I wanna get out of this room, but I knew there's a camera on me, and I knew I had to sort of promote, and I knew that this was a very real thing.

And I think it tapped into my old travel channel days, even when I was shut down the hardest, I knew that like, okay, here we go. I couldn't, I couldn't reel it back in for like 25 minutes. Like, 25 minutes, I was like, I didn't talk, I just sat there, like rubbing my beard. I mean, I was like, I was in a different world. I was waiting for it to happen again. Jesus Christ. And I couldn't, and it's,

I understand how absolutely silly I look because it's so irrational. It's so irrational. And then, and then I would argue that we got into a pretty, I think, I mean, I don't know, I haven't seen the episode, but in from my impression, and this is why I'm cool with it,

we got into a pretty great conversation about phobias and about irrational phobias and- Do you have other ones? I'll never say them out loud. Well, I will never, I will- But you do have other irrational phobias? Yes, yo, yeah, I will never, I am a number one. I will never do anyone's podcast.

Ever again? I think I'm done. I think I'm done I think I'm gonna do this one in mine Because I was like I was like now everyone knows they can get a viral clip I bring it in a fucking clown I'm gonna be fucking chased by clouds. It's gonna be like the movie it like I was like I'll do like the guys I know But I'm never fucking like the first first first my first thing was I am never doing Logan Paul podcast And I wanted to so bad. I wanted to so bad

Yeah, cuz I love I think he's got a great podcast. I like those guys. Yeah, but I'm like Logan Paul's way too fucking smart To not bring a fucking clown in the room or a hundred Clown you know low-ass thing is it wouldn't be one it wouldn't be one. It's going to be, and the joke now is so funny that, by the way, Logan Paul is like, I had an invite to do his podcast and I was excited. I was really excited. I like Prime. Yeah. Him and his brother make me laugh.

Hardest fuck went there together. Yeah. I think the kid's smartest fucking shit. And I was like, I was excited to do his podcast. But I was like, the joke now would be, he'd be like, I definitely not bringing in a clown. And then I go, okay. And then he's like, I brought in clowns like that. The joke is 45 clowns. That's 45 clowns outside. Yeah. I won't be pot. I won't be comfortable. Do I know? I feel bad because I said, I would, I want, I was so out of control. I go, I'm definitely the first thing I, first thing I said I would I want I was so out of control. I go I'm definitely the first thing I first thing I said is

They just came to my head. I go I'm not doing local post podcast and I do scarier do scary makeup clowns Are they? I was worse than you know, I mean like yeah, yeah, yeah, there's ones that are like evil looking clowns are those worse? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't even even thinking about it But the bullet I'm just now I'm thinking, and I just was like, it just bothers me. And I wish I knew why. Like someone said they have a phobia of cotton balls. And I was like, whoa, that's fucking ridiculous. But then mine's just as ridiculous.

No, that's, if cotton balls is more ridiculous. Cotton balls is just a fucking object. What, how is that even? Yeah, I don't know. Well, balloons is ridiculous. Bloons is ridiculous. And you're like, you don't smell that? Oh, I smelled them the second they got in the room.

The second they got in the room, I smelled them immediately. And then they fucking let them go up by the light. They were like, this is how callous they were. They brought in the balloons and then let them go. And the balloons, I can fucking balloon, just went everywhere. And they just find the hottest little area. And now I'm waiting for it to pop and it's

Unpredictable and it's just sitting there and that does the popping by the oh my god. That's the thing Really that's the thing. That's the so did you ever get balloons like for the girls when it was their birthday girls I've never had balloons my daughters have never had balloons never never never go to fucking Ralph's You want to get just your daughter want a balloon? No, she doesn't ask me. Don't ask her. Ask me. No, she doesn't want a balloon. They're allowed my large balloons. What's a mylar balloon? It's the, the steel ones. Steel. Whatever. So it's a steel book and mylar balloon.

Oh, you got Google over here? Oh, fuck yeah. Oh, yeah. Hold on. There's those ones like the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, yeah, hold on Those those ones like the oh The towel like looking ones, so why is that one okay? I know I think I think the rubber of a blue I Mean I remember fucking those really creepy kids that would have a balloon in their mouth And then be blown it up and let it go back in their mouth blown it up and let it go back I couldn't do whip it's when I was a kid like everyone's doing whip it's like I'm not sucking things out of a fucking balloon Why were you so good in bed last night, you think?

I think it's been a while. So it's built up. Yeah, it's been a while. I took my time. Yeah. I wasn't in a rush. Nice. Starting with a foot massage.

Massage? Massage. Massage. Massage. No, it's massage. I think it's misspelled massage. There's no D. Massage. Massage. No, it's massage. I think it's misspelled massage. There's no D. Massage.

Massage. Massage. It's not massage. It's not massage. How would you, okay, how would you pronounce, type in another word, this spelled like that. Like, P-A-S-S, it's not massage. Passage. Passage.

Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage. Passage a French guy? Missage. You're gotten with a foodie, missage. You want the missage? You. Um, I, uh, the, I, I have so many balloon nightmares that have happened to me. Balloon nightmares. Yes. Uh, number one.

Okay, this is the worst one that's ever happened. This is the worst one. Um ever happened. This is the worst one. On my 40th birthday, Leanne had been down in... This is a decade ago, go ahead. This is a decade ago. Yes. Leanne, we were in Australia and Leanne was there and she left and the board of tours in Australia

thought they'd surprise me and fill my room with balloons. Okay. So the entire bedroom is filled with the entire bedroom, all on the ceiling is filled with balloons and it's like so many balloons that there's, they're doubling up on each other. I mean, I'm going to, I'm going to gas to make, how many balloons do you think would fill up here?

Maybe they had 150 balloons in my bedroom. I walk in and I fucking melt down. I melt down and I don't know what to do. I call the end, I think she is, she was already back in LA. I call the end and I'm freaking out. I try to get them into the bathroom, but the way the ceiling shaped,

they all just end up back into the bedroom. More of the way. And they, they all just end up back into the bedroom. Yeah, more of the way. And they're all in the fucking ceiling. They're all just gathering right above the bed. I go, what do I do? Leigh-hands like, okay, put yourself a really stiff drink, get in that bed and just pass the fuck out. Like I'm melting down.

So I murder a drink and I'm just staring at these fucking balloons above me. And I'm just like, oh my god, this is like the worst night. And the room is just reeks of balloons. At four in the morning, all of the helium runs out in all the balloons at the same fucking time and 150 balloons land on my bed on me. And they're on the floor and I can't get out I'm like I sat in the fucking lobby I sat in the lobby of the hotel like I need someone to fix my room I get it's fucking worse some guy some guys just came up with a pin just pop

I go no I don't want the air from inside the fucking balloon in my room You don't understand do you see how irrational this is I do I do I do I do I do and but you don't understand. Do you see how irrational this is? I do. I do. I do. I do. But you don't have any irrational fears. I guess I do, but they're not at the forefront of where I go. It's this one. Because most of you. Like phobia? Yeah.

Fuckin' but here's the thing. Also worse with age. I didn't realize that. People used to say, like if you said, or you clostrophobic, you know, 10, 15 years ago, I'd be like, no. And the older I've gotten, the worse it's gotten. Yeah. And like the big one, where I can deal with it, but I don't fucking like it, is like an MRI.

Those are fucking rough. And so I had one where they go, all right, we're gonna do this thing with your knee or whatever. And so just lay down and I go feet first. And he goes, well, actually, we could do head first, or I go, no, we're not gonna do head first because my fucking knee.

So you can look at it this way, we'll do fucking feet first. And he's like, okay, so we did that. I love it. By the way, I know this energy. It gets the same energy when we did the, when we did the dominant tricks and they go, Hey Tom, put on a speedo and you go, no, they go, no, Tom, put on a speedo and you go, no, and they go, Tom, put on a speedo and you go, I'm actually not telling you, no, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not asking you.

I'm not asking you. I'm explaining to you, this will not happen. So stop asking. I love when you do that. So I did, yeah, so that, but then I had to do one for my AC joint once, and that was head first. And that ceiling of the MRI is like, it's not even an inch from your nose.

So I put on, they give you eye mask and ear plugs so that you can basically try, and you have to take yourself, I mean, it's right here. If you can't go like and you have to like take your soul. I mean, it's right here. If you can't go like this, that's a tight space. You want to know that should pant. That made me panic. When I surgery on my elbow, I put my arm in an MRI. Just my arm. But I couldn't move it for like whatever, but is it 25 minutes or something? Yeah. And if you move it start

So all over that was that was panic inducing. Yeah, kale You know kale. Yeah, yeah kale got COVID back in the day in Budapest. I hope he's cool with me telling this story. Yeah, he got COVID so they were like hey He we need to get you back to the United States. He's like, cool. And they're like, we can get you, but you have to, you're going to be put in a bubble, a glass bubble in a plane. So they'll put you in the bubble, then they'll put you on the plane in the bubble and

fly you 14 hours home. He was like, you're out of your fucking mind. you 14 hours home. He was like, you're out of your fucking mind. You're gonna put me in a glass bubble, like an MRI machine. In a plane. In a plane and fly him home. And he was like, I'll die from COVID, thank you. Yeah.

No, no. You had the cluster, it has gotten worse. You know what I mean? Tight, tight spaces, small elevators. The worst is any type of passage. You know, like you're like an old building, a passage, where like there's like a small, old building, they go just like sneak through this narrow,

no, or if I even watch those cave divers that sneak through those I can't even watch the videos the videos of the guys of the guys with their arms head stuck we were this is what we talked about on Schulz's podcast it was an interesting conversation yeah that that that is panic inducing spulunking dude I've been spulunking before that is fucking terrifying terrifying see see type in Berk-Kris your spolonging that doesn't that doesn't register to me as an irrational fear you know that's not being a in a tight space like that that's crazy yeah you type in Berk-Kris your spolonging nothing comes up I've

been spolonging a lot I was I've been spolonging a great amount of times it's such a crazy sentence that you just said I have been I've been blocking a great amount of times. It's such a crazy sentence that you just said. I have been spul-unking a great amount of times. I sound like else. It's yeah. Sounds like a kid learning to speak. Oh, I guess you can't put Brutcher came because it comes up to Paris one came.

By the way, I did that bit on stage. What? Remember when we were at the Vegas show? Oh yeah. It killed. It killed. Yeah. I'm so jealous, you have a family.

We talking about you have a family. Yeah, but they're done. They're done. You're just getting all the meat and the material right now. If I were you, I'd record everything. I'd put cameras in his room. Yeah. Yeah.

Ila, Ila was fucking so, she used to be so goddamn funny funny and now so bite her tongue and she won't stay shit in front of me Yeah, like she what did she say the other day that we had us howling laughing in New York? Oh We were crying crying laughing. Yeah, she goes. Oh, I found my retainer. And so she opens her retainer. She goes, oh, there it is. Great. A little case. And Pete's like, what is that on your retainer? Like the plastic. And she goes, it's a Mexican flag. She goes, why do you, the Mexican flag? She goes, I panicked. I was wondering, they were asking me what color I wanted my retainer. And she goes, I just put it into the Mexican flag and they were like you The Mexican flag and the woman who was doing it was Mexican and

Ila didn't was not embarrassed because she picked Mexican Retainer, it's the Mexican It's so fucking weird It's on the top of the bottom is the Mexican fucking flags is on the top of the bottom, is the Mexican fucking flags? And we were like, she had the addict, pointed to the Mexican one, and then the Mexican one goes, you want the Mexican flag?

And she didn't want to be like, no. Oh, that's hilarious. Oh, crying laughing. Oh my God, I got a call that Ellis is obsessed with his iPad. We have to, we have to, say eyeballs. His eyeballs too. But he's obsessed with it. So We have to, we have to, he's the eyeballs. His eyeballs too.

But he's obsessed with it. So we have to like, you know, like ration the time, like you can't be on it all day. And he plays video, he loves it. He's a fucking obsessed. So we take, but anyways, he's always like, hey, you know, for this game, I gotta to upgrade the thing, I have to buy, you know,

like a, whatever, access to it. Yeah. So we try to, you know, parent when he can do it. So he has this game where he wants to buy a block of something. It's like 25 bucks or something. So, Christina was like, I don't wanna just be like, yeah. Yeah, we should make him like, earn it. I'm like, yeah, let me talk to him.

So I was like, I go, what's up? He's like, all right, this thing's like 25 bucks. He's like, I think I should have to, you know, like do chores and stuff. I go, yeah, that's cool. And he goes, how long? Like how long until I can get it? And I go, he goes, how about two weeks?

And I go, that seems fair. And then she gives the phone back to her. She goes, he doesn't understand how long two weeks. So, it's just a word. It's just a word. It's just a word. And I was like, what? I don't know. It's not a long story.

It's just a word about it. He just heard it. He's just heard it. So I was like, no, he goes, yeah. So I was like, I got you sure? She goes, he definitely doesn't. I got it. Exactly.

No idea what he's doing. He doesn't, so he gets him back to phone. He goes, how many days is to it? It's 14, he goes, that's a long time. I go, how about one week? He goes, how many days is that? He goes, he goes, he goes, I don't know what the week is. I got seven days he's like no

Like all right, how about four days It's so long so long Oh fuck I wish I had that in my life. Yeah, so fucking the movie settled on four days About two weeks Your discipline is wild You're just a fucking measured, Ellen! I'm breath-bling! You're disciplined as wild, dude. Is it been two weeks yet? It's been fucking eight seconds! Tell me when two weeks and you're watching! Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck, that's so good. Oh, I should have adopted kid. I just thought it was a fucking kid. You imagine if you had a kid right now. I won't want to. I won't be so bad. Boy now, right? Enough girls.

Let's do another girl. You do another girl? Easily do another girl. Okay. I do another girl and I said to the other, I said to the other day I'm really bummed we didn't have a third. Black?

No. Oh, I just mean like a different kid. I would love, yeah. Maybe I should adopt a kid. Asian? I can't adopt any girls. Wait, we just said, I know I'd adopt a boy. If I'm an adopt, I'm gonna do it in a boy.

Because you've made girls. Because I made girls. Got you. Yeah. I don't need that shit in my life. I adopted boy. I'm like, what if he was just like you? I would love that.

I should go to a fucking, I should go to an orphanage and see if I can, do they have orphanages to sell? Yeah. Really type in nearest orphanage. Oh, I wonder if I can help it. Look. Oh, they're all over the fucking place. Yeah.

Oh, bro. Holy shit. It's extremely keen because the children scrub the floors for MasterBurt. That's real. For MasterBurt. Wait. Yeah. Hold on.

I got to go to this orphanage. Yeah. It's like, hold on. This is a bit. Is this a fucking bit? No That's who the fuck did that Los Angeles orphan home it's extremely clean because the children scrub the floors for master bird Did you just type that in can you collect that now? Click that go to the Los Angeles or how is that even fucking possible? You collect that now? Click that, go to the Los Angeles,

or I'm gonna run home. How is that even fucking possible? The kids are screwed. Bird is their master. Wow. Bird is their master? Wait, what is this? How do I go?

I love how you think it was set up for you. I know, but I'm gonna show up and they'll be like, he's here. Yeah. Master bird. A lot of, it's probably Latino kids. Would you like to relate, raise a Latino boy? A couple of middle and fielders.

Yeah. Yes. Dude, two Latino brothers. Yeah. I should do brothers. That'd be cool. Let her get in the split up and I'll put them back together. Yeah.

Yeah, that's the real thing. I'd be cool as fuck. God, they love life with me. Yeah. Take them on the road. Yeah. Keep them in the road. Yeah. Keep them in the tour bus. And they're just always pitching and like playing catch.

Oh, do you know how much I would love a fucking two brothers, two brothers, like pitching catcher, you know? And I could just have fucking play baseball with them all the time. Yeah. I get fucking, I should get seven. We'll do it and start a team. That's a big commitment. Seven sons.

I could afford it. You could. I could have fucking nannies. Yeah. Yeah, you get a team and an ace. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, why don't I do this? I could have, I could, I could click on the orphanage if they got me, did like pictures of them.

I don't think they do that. They should. I know, but they don't publicize picks of children, you know? Oh, yeah, that would be. But you could go there and probably be like, you yes, you know. Do they have an app for orphans? Like a swipe right? Yeah, that makes sense.

I gotta go drop off some fucking baseball gear to these kids. Yeah. Let's set that up. Can we set that up for you? Or a football, you know? Oh, I would always drop off a bunch of soccer balls. Yeah, they would like that. Um, yeah, let's drop off some fucking, uh, some stuff to Los Angeles orphan home.

Like let's, like, let's go to fucking big five. Oh, look at these fucking kids. Yeah. They got a dog. They just do. Dude, this is like in the fucking movie. Yeah, the one I was in I was in yeah someone someone's like

Someone was telling me about that Five fuck they were like they're like yeah, Thomas in a movie. I was like yeah, what was it? I forget what I called the movie sure you call it something cool Yeah, the one way let's get those like take these kids kids or something? Get those kids or something with Mark Wahlberg. Yeah. Um, uh, I bet I could, I bet I could fucking, I wonder what I'm thinking I'd do with a bunch of fucking equipment drop off equipment to them.

Do it. The mid, they'll be so happy. Oh, yeah, but I'll, I, here's the thing. So like, okay, so we're talking about regular people, famous people trying to be regular people, right? Mm-hmm. So when they think, I just don't tell anyone I fly private, then now I'm a regular person.

Right, I give the illusion of that- They're being relatable. Yeah, that I'm relatable. I have the same problem with charity. Like I feel like, obviously, okay, I'm gonna be very honest, so you can't judge me. Okay. I want to drop off the gear personally, because I want to see the look in their faces when

they get all cool shit. Yeah. That's why I want to do it. But then the optics look like I'm doing it, so people see me do it. So I don't like, because I don't really give a fuck for anyone to see me do it. They don't have to see you do it. But I want to, but when you give presents,

the best part of giving a present is seeing the face. Yeah, yes. I'm doing it selfishly. Yes. I'm actually, I mean like the selfish part is I just want to be, I want someone to go, but like shut the fuck up.

That's what I want that feeling. Yeah. But it looks like, now it looks like, let's get in touch with them Rachel and just see if there's anything I can do to help out So because they may be like hey, can you just not drop off a bunch of fucking equipment? They could not everyone's into sports. How about a fucking couple iPads? And I'm like well, there's a price point on this. Yeah, a couple footballs. There's one thing

fucking some earbuds in an iPad Fucking I'm not gonna break the bank here. They're like, can you drop off that gold post? You need to practice. This gets gonna be a leg on them. That's horrible. It's horrible. It's even joke about it. It's horrible to not, can you imagine just not having your parents?

No, it's horrible. It's horrible. It's horrible. It's horrible. Or being feeling like, not just you don't have them, that they were just like, we don't want you. That's the horrible part. Somebody's like, just drop them off there.

Yeah. I mean, it's different. I'm not saying that that's the only reason people are orphans. Sometimes they were still orphans. I thought, I really honestly didn't think they were still orphans. No, no, no, but I mean, like sometimes it's, you know, sometimes it's neglect, sometimes, you know, it's because of drugs, sometimes it's war-torn nation, it's political, like, there's all types of reasons why it can happen, but it's still devastating.

Yeah, it's funny. Let's go back to charity though. Okay. So you're fucking ballin' out of control. What charities are you looking to donate to? Well, Mike, particularly, I, threw me off of the question and he goes, name a non-profit, and I go, is this a quiz?

I don't know what a non-profit is. Yeah. And like, I don't know what... St. Judith is always my team, but then I tried to donate to them and they didn't want my money. What? Yeah. What do you mean?

So I was doing... I forget how this goes down. I was doing weight staff raffle. Yeah, I remember that. And I had to, and I may be tapped into when I started doing it in theaters, I think, but I had this money and I said, well, I want to give it to a good place. I'm gonna give it to St. Jude's and they said, no thanks. It comes from alcohol. People drink, we don't want your money. Seriously?

Yeah. And I was bombed. And then I did guys grocery games donated the money to St. Jude. And like, not that I need a thank you, but never heard. Yeah. And what sucks is I wear Saint Jude around my neck.

Yeah, it's my, it's my patron saint. It's what I'm saying, a patron saint of hopeless cases. And so pull up all the saints. I'm curious what other saints I could get into. Yeah, okay. What saints I could get into? I got, I got,

type in the saint of comedy. The patron saint of comedy, I got him on my neck. Saint Lawrence. That's he's there too. This is St. Lawrence. Wow. This is St. Christopher. He's for travelers. And this is Christ man. St. Jude and then JC. But yeah, but so like I was saying Jude kind of I mean you have Jay Z on there. Jay Z. Jay Z. I, we gotta get you a saint. Yeah, I don't have a saint. How about the saint of, of, what's, like what defa, okay, what do you need the most? Like what's the thing where you go? Like I'm losing my shit or I'm like,

like for me, I always fall hopeless. Like at times I'd be like, there's, especially when I got on into St. Jude, I was in a, going through a period where I was like, I was having OCD really bad. I was really fucking, I was in a bad place. It was right when I moved to New York, before I got into standup like that little period,

and I was just, I was a fucking shit show. And then my grandmother gave me this St. Jude medal and said, you know, about St. Jude. And I said, no. She was just a painter saying to Popus cases. If you're feeling lost, like, there's no way out, pray to St. Jude, he'll help you out, he'll figure it out. And I did, and I figured it out.

And within like six months, I'd a deal with Will Smith. And I was saying, I was saying, I was a st. Jude every day. And I was like, all right, that's my guy. That's when he tried to fuck you, right? He that's yeah, I wonder if he's heard that story. Maybe. I don't know. Anyway, so what let's find you a patron saint. Yeah, finding a good patron saint would be good. St. Hippo. Okay. St.

Augustine. What's it for Augustine? Like the origin. Augustine shaped the doctrine of the church, including our understanding of causes, like the original sin and grace. And he has influenced countless seekers over the years through his spiritual classic, the confession. Is there a painter's saint of nice cars? Stop.

Painter's saint of cars. There's no saint of cars. Of transportation. Oh no. Chris, I was saying Chris was traveling. I don't know. Chris St. Christopher's traveling. Traveling, yeah. What about Patron St. of Louis Vuitton? Stop.

Patron St. of, how about the Patron St. of weight loss? There's, you see, wrote in Patron St. of luxury goods. I don't have Louis Vuitton. What kind of shirt is that while you're wearing? It's fucking Zania. I don't even know what that is. It's Italian. Patron's saying of healing.

That's you. Healing? Oh, that would be a good one. Yeah. Who's that? Patron's saying, asthma. Asthma. Yeah. The Patronron saint, asthma. Asthma. Yeah, the patron saint of asthma.

It's not the healing one would be good. Is there a patron saint of healing? Back pain. Oh wow, these are all four healing, I got you. Oh, okay, look. All right, hauen, this is actually kind of good. So you have, I just saw one there, anxiety, well, anxiety, autism,

and depression is saying, what is that? Dymphna, bone disease, broken pelvis. Oh, broken bones, that should be me. Yeah, what's your pain for saying that? What the fuck? Stani slaskska, okay. Let's see if they have a metal for him. Keep going down.

These are a lot. What was that fucking cramps? Are these really the real saints? Sists? Diabetes. I don't think I would want to be like, hey, I've got a lot of sists. Who should I?

During difficult labor. Ear problems. Is that a real official? Sleeced garlic carp? That's how the church, you have ear problems? Get St. Pauli carp here. Hey, I disease, back swelling. Oh, gout, my dad's got that.

Stainting, he does he? Yeah. That's the rich man's, the King's disease man. Yeah, he's got gout. Look, dude, see, impossible causes. That's me, St. Jude Thaddeus. Uh, hemorrhages. Insomnia, st.

Intestinal illness saint St kidney disease job related stress saint I'm gonna read I'm gonna think I'm so many obesity. Oh saint. Yeah, St Bernard pain suffering healing Poisoning St Benedict paralysis Jesus C sick All right, I'm tapped out. This is too much. So strokes and havelin pressure. I like to stress an anxiety. St. Dimpfna. St. Dimpfna. Can you can you find? Yeah. Who's this? Oh, Kristen Stain honored in Catholic. Okay. That's good. She's beautiful.

She lived in the seventh century, was martyred by her father, the story of death. It was first recorded in the 13th century. She was martyred by her father. Um, her son was fat equals. She was crown sword, lelly lamp. Um, we hit her, her wiki. Let's just see what, what the story is with her story. Okay. Uh, she was 14. she consecrated herself to Christ,

took a vow of chastity shortly after her mother died. Damon had loved his wife deeply, and in the aftermath of her death, her mental health sharply deteriorated. Okay, so this is like the mental health thing. Oh, oh. After searching fruitlessly, Damon began to desire his daughter

because of her strong resemblance to her, oh, so her dad. Oh my God, that's wonderful. That's wonderful. Yeah, it didn't begin to desire his daughter because of her strong resemblance to her. But also her dad. Oh my God. That's wonderful. Yeah, it was a real creeper. Ooh. And when Diff know learned of her father's intentions, she swore to uphold her vows and lied and oh, fled his court along with her confessor, two trusted servants in the kings,

fooled together. They sailed towards the continent, eventually landing what his present day Belgium where they took Refuge in the town of Gilles Okay She built a hospice for the poor in the sick of the region and good person. All right. Yeah. Well, okay. How about this ready? I got a better idea good. What if we become saints? I think someone has to like the church has to canonize Yeah, we'll start the ball rolling, but we got to tell them like

What what will be the same top. Like people pray to St. Bert, what are they for, when they're really hung over, and they don't wanna go to work. Yeah, the patron standard for recovery. Okay. Yeah, and so I, yeah, and then what's yours? When they want to,

to not do something fun and just sit in a room. The patron's at the top. Yeah. Where they just, where they, where they, like, I'm just gonna, what is? Because it's when they go, I really, I want the strength to go home. That's what it is.

I want the strength to go home. Who do I pray to? I wanna leave this situation. It's so if you're in a relationship and you're having a, your husband's having a good time with the party and you're like, I just wanna go home. You can, you pray, say a prayer to St. Tom and then your husband

will be like, I don't think we should get out of here. And you're like, thank you, St. Tom. Thank you, St. Tom. And then the next morning when your hungover is fuck, you're like, thank God we prayed to St. Tom, but now we gotta pray to St. Bert to get over this shit. Yeah. And then you can get up and you can,

you can, there's gonna be a day it's not, it's not gonna work for me. I've been thinking about that lately. Yeah. It's because it's, gonna work for me. I've been thinking about that lately. Yeah, it's because it's it's it's it's I mean I I went in New York. I was going so hard all night long and then I would wake up. I was waking up at six in the morning I ran two miles still drunk from the night before why were you why were you going so hard in New York? Where were you doing it? Well, I was doing press all day long. Right, so I'm saying when the press is over,

where'd you go? Where'd you go? I ate drink there. I drank a dinner and then go out, run into the city, go, and we did the shantour as a special. We went pretty hard that night. I'm gonna shock to having people

are doing coke these days. Yeah, coke's really on the upright. Did he just shoot too? He shot too. Yeah, he was great. Good. He Did you shoot to he shot to yeah, he was he was he was great good He was he was and then you know you forget Not not that how many specials you done six I think five okay. I'm just this was my fifth

You don't get numb to it, but it just is so much part of the job. Can I tell you one thing I didn't like? Please. Having so many options from shooting the for for real? Yeah, it's too many options. Oh, wow. No, it's comforting when you're shooting. Yeah.

In post, you're like, you mean to look at four of these right now? I, I, I, I introduce you to Dave. Yeah. I just have him do it. Yeah. I trust him. He did, he did all the other ones and he would be like, he, I, I introduced you to Dave. Yeah. I just have him do it. Yeah. I trust him. He did, he did all the other ones and he would be like, he, uh, he just edits one altogether and it's the best one he thinks. He tells you what show he thinks is best.

Yeah. And, uh, and you can tell it, you can tell it in the, in the edit. So, oh, Jeff Thompson, I'm sorry, Jeff Thompson's like, I think we need to use Antonia Hernandez for like, I think we need to use the fourth show, fourth show is the best. But you can tell in the room, it's funny, Shainted 2, and the first one he murdered, the second one, there was something in his eyes where you go, oh, he's having fun.

And that's what you, and Leanne was fucking, Leanne produced the whole thing. She was in the back, I'd never been in a video village when his voice was being taped. I'd never been there. And so I'm watching it. They're doing a line cut it as they go and Leanne's going yes Like really excited because he's killing it and I was like do you do this for mine? And she goes oh, I'm a hundred times worse

And I was like really and so then they have footage of and the of the green room Which we did all the BTS for Razzle dazzle which will come out soon and I watched the footage and Lehan Lehan like is like It's really fun. Yeah, yeah, but Shane was Shane murdered it and then I don't know what we're gonna do with it. I wanted him to own it That was my thing. I wanted him to own it and I didn't want my thumbprint on it. I wanted it to be his special. Yeah, nothing wrong with when you know Nothing wrong with a comedian helping their friends out like Amy's had to do it a couple times. She did it for Mark. Nothing wrong with that But I didn't like I never I it always

The real gift you can give a friend is just to give them a special. Sure. Just say, hey, there you go. And then you can do whatever you want with it, and then you own it. But I'm going to help him try to sell it somewhere or just put it on YouTube. I think YouTube is such a... I think YouTube is such a... makes so much sense. Makes so much sense. The only problem is the only has 640 YouTube followers. Well, they don't put it on his channel.

Yeah. Put it on. I guess I'll put it on. I guess I'll put it on mine. Well, that's the thing. We've talked a couple of comics about doing that. Really? Yeah. You should.

Who would you do? There's a couple of people I want to do. I want to do Tate. Oh, that's a no-brainer. Yeah. I want to do Potter. Oh, yeah. I mean, I even like, I even talked before they shot

because they're so good too. And I'm happy that they figured out, but I wanted to do one with Simpson, Brian Simpson. I haven't talked to Shane before he had his, I was like, I was like, I'll produce, I'll do whatever to work with because I was such a fan of his stuff. Yeah, you and Shane Gillis are combustible.

Yeah, that would be a fun guest bear. I'll do it, I'll definitely do it. He is, so you and him are so Kind of similar like he likes to be alone Like even like when we go to the do the big parties and stuff. Yeah, you can tell like He's he can't he doesn't have the the bandwidth to give everyone everything all the time Yeah, he needs to like like when he when we were in the house for the Super Bowl, he'd lock his door. Yeah. That's the time to go to remove right there. Yeah,

it's pretty. Yeah. He'd go to the room, he locked the door and no one could get him out. That's pretty accurate. Yeah. That's that's exactly what comedians do you think I'm like that year like? Yeah, like like you and Shane have some I mean, I've and I've sent so much time with Shane recently that there's so many similarities I go. I go that keep I've spent so much time with Shane recently, that there's so many similarities. I go, I go, I keep, I've said it to you a number of times. You guys need to have. Yeah, you have. Um, Pete Davidson.

This is a big dick energy. Yeah, I'd love to see this dick. Yeah, you can kind of see it in certain pants. I think, um, uh, you have to have that build too. You know, he's got that long lean build. Yeah, my, my, I'm too fat. Oh my God.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Let me see. The second one here. What about the second one? On the underwear? Jesus. Let me see. Right?

Which one? The second from the left. Right there. Yeah, that one. Oh, sorry, his dick looks pretty good. Did I just, is there a thing online now? I just, I was on a plane, so I didn't really get to dive into it.

A machine gun Kelly, confronting Sam Tripoli. Oh, I heard about that. That what is that? Is that for real? This is real. I think I saw this on Instagram? Yeah, maybe from that. Wait, what happened?

It's um... Go to his actual page. Triple E's fucking Instagram. Big pharma. I fucking love Sam Tripoli so much. No, it's not. I don't. Yeah, go to Tripoli. Scroll down a little bit. I've heard something about this, but I don't know what happened.

There you go. That's machine of Kelly. Yeah, this might be it. Can we put on the hands? I don't have any. Do we have audio in this? Television? Okay. Yeah, this is like a Phoenix.

Yeah, the emo link from Legend of Zelda. Yeah, now he's picking fights with comedians. Yeah, apparently Sam Tripoli made a joke about Posers or something and he got all insecure about it. Of course he thought it was about him. He gets so butt hurt, he goes backstage to confront the comedian about a joke. What do you believe this?

This video is- Machine God Kelly comes backstage. He's angry at me. Yeah, and he's about to talk mad shit to me. Yeah, how does that conversation go? You do realize I rose from the ashes like a phoenix, right? Like if you knew that you probably want to make those jokes about me He goes you're talking shit about me dog. You're talking shit Did you imagine being in the head space where you go to a comedy show? It's so offended by the jokes that you go backstage to confront the comedian about it. I'm pretty sure if you surveyed the world, to name the top

five type of people nobody likes, it would include people like this who complain about comedians. I'm not first going, is this a joke? I mean who would even take this guy serious? Aside from Jaden Smith who apparently acquired fashion advice from him. Look at him wearing an emergency thermal blanket. What is little pocketbook? What is that? Apparently the Goon performed at a Super Bowl party too. Said he got electrocuted on stage.

At least God's trying, you know. What are these people? What? My story, are you telling us with this amazing look tonight, Mr. Kelly? Oh, I'm roast from the from the ass is like a Phoenix. Okay, so I don't know if we get the full story from that, but what we do get is that, uh, a very famous guy who's in the, here's a joke and goes backstage.

What could the joke have been? I mean, he apparently thought he was being mocked by him, but like, just to think that the move is to go up to a comic and be like, talking shit about me, first of all, I think to pull that off effectively, you have to be a terrifying person. Do you know what I mean? Like if you made a joke about, I don't know, like Mike Tyson. I would never make a joke about Mike Tyson.

You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, there's certain people I don't like to do. There's certain people who like, if they go, are you talking shit about me, fuckhead? That you'd be like, this is, oh my god. But for like a pop singer type of dude. Well, hold on. Is machine gun, I mean, I'm being dead

here some asses. Is he a tough guy? No, you don't think so? No, I'm like, what's up in Cleveland? You know, I wouldn't label him as that. Six foot for 180 pounds. I'm not trashing him. I'm just saying,

this is not a dude that you'd be like, oh my God. I'm gonna run for my life. He lifts weights for 180 pounds. But this is not the person that's gonna, also if you're in the limelight like this, you get made fun of, that's part of the exchange. He looks nice, he looks like right there. Really?

But we look, we get made fun of, you know? Like this part of it's part of the territory, like it just comes with it. It just creates. There's not one person that I would, and I've seen some pretty, I've read nasty things about me. I would never reproach anyone. I just go, all right, I got it.

Yeah, I got it. I look in the mirror too. It's an exchange. Yeah, I got it. Like there was, I got cocky and I did an Instagram live. I don't normally do those a lot and I was reading the replies and did you know that I there was one where I said the n word. What?

What are you talking about? I was fucking, we're doing an Instagram live to announce the trailer of the movie. And someone's like, hey man, can you wish my buddy happy birthday? His name is NICKGR. Like that's his first and last name. Yeah, and, and, I guess the real guy's name.

That's a real dude. No way. Oh, well, I guess he kind of got lucky with that. And so I said it. I said, hey, happy birthday. Nick. Yeah. And immediately, I'm like, by the way, Sony's on this,

legendaries on this, my agents are on this. It's a live thing to announce the trailer's going live. And I fucking, I was like, and but you can't, here's the thing, I couldn't help but laugh. That's, by the way, this is a different story. It's a different story. Yeah, and then what you're,

like I thought you were like, I just had a lapse and it snuck out, you know, I was down on those days. No, no, no, no, tricked. I got by wordplay. It's a little different. I don't put it on. It's like, it attacks from Kale. Hey, he's got the end bomb.

I say, yeah. I got tricked. I was, it was funny. You know sometimes you don't get a lot of sleep and shit just comes out. There's a, there was a comment who said his joke. I won't say the comment's name, but you can figure out who it is.

I'm Google the joke. He was like, yo, they say it can't say the M word. And he goes, what? It's kind of crazy what he's supposed to do when you hit your finger with a hammer. And I was like, huh? He's like, yeah, it's the word you say. It might be a hit or a finger. I go like, huh? He said, yeah, it's a word you say. It went me here. I go, last. I've never, I've never once thought of that word when I hit

my hammer. Fucking two weeks later, I'm nailing something in and I hit my finger with a hammer and the first word that goes in my head, I go, that motherfucker planted that there. He planted it there. He planted it there. He was a big Bob and Tom guy. Oh really? Yeah, he's a funny fucking, he's a, he's a really talented comedian. Dead? I don't know. Google him, edit his name out.

Oh, I know what happened to this guy. Oh, that's not him. No, that's what you're thinking of, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What's, is he dead? No. I heard some stories about this person

that I should probably tell you. Whoa. He's off camera. Wait, what happened to him? I don't know, man. I'll tell you later. Really? I just heard stories.

Is it bad? Yeah, it wasn't good. Okay, well. Anyway. Well, thank you. Fucking guy. Yeah, fucking guy. Fucking guy. Yeah, fucking guy. Fucking guy.

So what comic would you say I'm like? Well, that's the thing is like you're so, it stands out so much. Like there's actually, I'm an introvert basically, right? So I'm an extrovert in situations. Like I'm an extrovert on stage. I'm an extrovert performing, but I'm an extrovert on stage. I'm an extrovert performing, but off stage I'm really not. But you are an extrovert to the max. So I immediately just

think of who has the biggest, like you only remind me of people who are like, like a fucking firecracker going off when they walk into a room. What's interesting is you think you would imagine that me and Dane, it could based on Dane's act, are very similar, were really different dudes. Yeah, he's more introverted for sure off stage. No, by the way, I got to finish this because I don't know if I put closure on the sholts thing. Yeah. The emotion I landed on today was like, I wanted everyone to know that I'm not angry at Andrew.

Like, I agree with me for telling him this. No, no, I'm not angry at anyone. I'm not angry at anyone. I want to make sure everyone knows I'm not upset. Like, there's no like, Andrew is really cool. He actually said to me after the episode, we don't have to air this. We can edit that out. I'm so sorry.

I don't think anyone expected. I should have said that when I was talking about it earlier. He was like, I don't have to air this. We can edit that out. I'm so sorry. I don't think anyone expected, I should have said that when I was talking about it earlier. He was, I don't think anyone expected it to be as bad as it was. I didn't know. I didn't know. No one expected it to be that bad. And he was very cool at the end.

And they all felt horrible. They were all like, I'm really sorry. Like I didn't know that. They probably thought, well, I thought it was just gonna be like a fun. Yeah, I don't think they realized I was gonna get, I didn't realize I'd get that bad. So I don't wanna make sure everyone knows

I'm not mad at any of those guys. I'm cool. It was just a bizarre fucking thing to happen. So I just wanna make sure. I'm trying to think of, I don't know if anybody reminds me. I'm kinda like Andrew a little bit. He's a large personality. He's a large personality, you're right, big personality.

Who's like that loudest voice in the room type of guy? Donnell. That's a good one. I'm a lot like Donnell. But Donnell is a little more pensive than me. Yeah, he kind of knows how to zig and zag than you. Yeah. Donnell, uh, cat Williams. Oh my God, that's, but he's actually super pensive.

Yeah. You're seeing him in interviews. It blows your mind that it's the same guy you saw on stage. Yeah. He's an incredible one-on-one interview. I would love to. I don't want to. But you can be introspective too.

Um, you don't remind me of any of these fucking guys. Let's see. No, those guys. Oh, Swartz in a little bit. There's a little bit of you, Swartz. Yeah. Yeah. If there's a party going on and the two of you walked in the room,

I'd be like, either. I wonder if I was like, I wonder if this is a weird question, but I wonder if I would add any similarities to Farley. Yeah, of course. You think? That's what everybody thinks of when they think of you. Yeah, 100%.

What is that a list of all the comedians? Oh, no shit. Similar, oh. What does the next page have? Because so far they're not really nailing it, but farly is Is the prototype of your person of your personnel? David off's a huge personality Greg Warren is funny as fucking shit. Yeah, he's very funny He have you seen have you seen the Greg Warren clip where he talks about

Wrestling or he talks about I mean he has so many clips that are out right now that are so fucking funny. Have you ever seen the one who talks about farmers kids? No. He hang on can you just pull Greg Warren is so goddamn fucking funny. He'll wait here. Hold on. Listen to this. This is a good bit. Okay. I hope you're cool with that flame. Stand up. Okay. Too lazy to be a farmer. Okay, I hope you're cool with us playing here, stand up. Okay. Too lazy to be a farmer. Mm-hmm.

I know that. Like, you say what you want about the farmers, they work. Like, they work. Just look over what they make their kids do. You ever heard a farm kid talk about his chores? When I was a kid, if I said I did my chores, that meant I rolled the garbage cans down the driveway

On Tuesday and my brother did it on Thursday and if I didn't do my chores I got grounded if a farm kid doesn't do his chores the bank four closes on the family's The states are high over there, man Where the field corn grows. Yeah, I think he did a whole fucking special on farmer. He is so fucking funny, dude. Yeah, he's great. He's a St. Louis guy. Yeah. Yeah. They're salt man. I, I, I, I, I, I, that's what I got when I was, um, when I was, I did

that South American tour. I just finished. Oh, fuck. Yeah. That was wild. And the next podcast. Yeah. Okay. I'll tell you what. I'm dying to hear about that. But one thing that the guy pointed out is that the stand-up world is much smaller, right? Like, we don't, we take for granted, we have an industry here. Meaning like there's infrastructure, there's clubs, agents, man. Like, it's all, there's open mics.

Like, you can, if you really want to, you live in LA, you really could get on 25 shows if you were hustling to do it. There's just all there. And I was talking to some of the guys down there in Argentina and they were like, yeah, you know, the thing about when you go to, because they all know each other.

Everyone would stand up, they kind of know each other. Because it's smaller. The thing that blows us away when we go to the States, is just how many people are so good at stand. Like, he goes, I've got blows me away. He goes, I stopped in. He was like, I was in New York

and I went to like, seller and stand and he goes, there's just people who I couldn't believe how funny they were and he's like, I'd never heard of them. And then I found out they've been doing stand up like 20, you know, 25 years and he's like, I'd never heard of them. And I found out they've been doing stand-up like 20, you know, 25 years. And he's like, this person's so good. And he's like, and then the next guy gets on stage

and the next girl. And he's just like, he's like, I couldn't believe how many funny comics there are. I'm blown away by how many. Like I get on Instagram at times and I'll be like sitting my bump going through. And I follow all of them. I came I was laid to the game on Ralph Barbosa. Yeah, fucking I mean like and then you look at like. You go.

Yeah, I just saw clips of that guy. I first time I see him. He's really funny. I was I was with I think Mark Small's name is like, you know, Ralph Barbosa's and I was like, no. And I was like, and then I think I did a video where I was like, hold on. We were all talking and everyone's like, do this guys funny? You shit. I was like, wouldn't. We were all talking and everyone's like, do this guy's funny as shit. I was like, wouldn't you wanna hear that? Would you wanna hear that people are saying good things about you? Totally.

So I did a video, I think I did a video. And I was like, yo, I don't know who we're talking about right now, but I'm Googling you now. I go Ralph Marbosa, everyone is sitting here saying how fucking hysterical you are. You should know that, so I hope you have a good day. We're all fucking comics and we're all talking about you and how funny you are.

And then I've Googled him. I was like, okay, he's really fucking funny. He's really funny. And then I'll get in these things and I'll go, there's so many talented comedians. Yeah, I know. I see, you just land on some of these sometimes and you're like holy shit fucking Derek Derek Strupp

Derek Strupp Fucking I think I've talked about him before He's fucking insanely funny. I told I brought him on the road with me. He did under he did an arena with me I think and Murdered in an arena Fanny as fucking shit. I remember, I remember, have you ever heard Shane Gillis' special Olympics joke? So funny.

And I remember we were on the bus, and my cousin Andrews, like, have you seen, did you see Shane Gillis perform in a while? And I was like, I don't know. I don't think so. And he goes, if you heard his special Olympics joke, and I was like, it's so funny. And we were crying last.

Well, his special is like one of the only specials in the last five years that I sat through. I finished. A lot of them, you kind of like watch like 15, 20 minutes of, which is a very normal behavior. If you like, if you hear about, like it was like Netflix and YouTube, they're just data companies.

They just study data. That's all they really get. They just study information. And that's they really get. They just study information. And that's why they make their decisions. And they're like, most people turn these things off or stop at a certain point. But that's special. I sat through the whole thing

and I was just laughing hysterically. My agent sent me, sent me, because I told, I think Derek was like, how did you find out about me? I was like, I have no fucking idea. Yeah, I don't remember because I get so much information Yeah thrown at me and then I remember my agent one morning sent me a fucking Link and he goes it wasn't even posted it was on like a Vimeo He's like you got to watch this guy's funny. You shit and I was laying in bed and I watched his he was like 27 minutes

I watched all of it. Do you know who else especially special I watched? Did I fucking thought was hysterical? Oh my God, and then don't let me forget to tell you about Ambag. Oh my God. Okay, yeah. So Jackie Cation. Yeah, yeah. Jackie Cation special.

It is so good. I was like, I love when people can tell, like she tells this joke about her dad and just describing her dad and I was crying laughing. All right, all right. Now, I take him back to Canada with me. He's like, he would do a podcast one time. He's like, and he's like, what are you talking about?

The arenas, the big shows, and I said, other funnest fuck. And he's like, I'd love to do one. I said, why don't you come with me? Come with me. And we'll do an arena run in Canada. And he goes, I've never been to Canada to do stand up. They don't, he doesn't go up there. I was like, oh, dude, hell yeah.

So now, there's a, there is a, I say this, I say this in all candidness. There is a confidence you get when you've done so many shows in front of your fans and you know, you know, you know, you can kill. In bag, gave me the most difficult weekend of my fucking life. I believe that.

Dude, he was doing crowd work in arenas and destroying, I mean, destroying, and then he'd go into material and have us crying. Now, Peter does, all Peter knows is the guys that have owned the road with me, right? And me, that's it He didn't watch a lot stand up in a way thing. He starts watching in bag and he goes he's like crying and hit What is this guy? What is this guy? He fucking murdered so hard. I was blown away. I mean this guy in bag deserves

I mean, this guy, in bag deserves 100,000 more followers and to be doing theaters around the fucking club. He is so fucking funny. He goes, we were talking about going to Australia and I was like, I can't take you to Australia. I can't, I mean, I want to, but it, Tom made it, it was, it's like you're unfollowable, dude. Yeah, and I was like, I mean, I would,

it was like, I can't even put it in perspective, was that the first 91 up, I went, ooh, he's really gonna put it on them. And the Peter and I are watching from the side. And he's just so quick, so quick, and he's destroying the city, and he's just tearing into the city, and he's, I mean, all fucking brand new material that he just wrote that day,

end crowd work and working. He's working the arena like he's going like to this side, these guys suck, you guys are good. Like he's, and then at the end of the week, you're like, you know, that was a blast and I'll never do this again with you. And by the way, and he was so much fun to be around. He's the right. Like he was, he was just always in a good mood. And he was like, he was like, uh's started, he was busting man's balls.

And he's like, ah, man, I understand my shit and get a little sudden like, yeah. And he's such a great fucking time. He's the best time. We did a club one time. It was just like a, what's it called? Like a showcase night. And he was before me.

I was like, hey, dial it back. Okay. And he was like, well, now you said that, you know, he was before me. I was like, hey, dial it back, okay? And he was like, well, now you said that, you know, I won't. And I was like, God damn it. Cause he just goes, he's just like a flamethrower. It's just so intense. He had a joke about, I don't wanna do his joke,

but he had a joke about it. If he had a daughter, what'd he look like? And there was a line in there that I kept saying over and over the whole weekend. And by the way, the best part of everything is by the end of the week everyone's talking like Ian Yeah, everyone in the last time Yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, all right Yeah, and then we worked out with us. We worked out. We were in end

We were in hockey remas and so Ian's fucking you just took it off the whole time. Oh, dude We hung out with the Winnipeg Jets. Yeah. I mean, it was the coolest experience. Ann calls, Ann leaves his buddy as like a coach there. So Ann hits us up and is like, I'm gonna go say hi to my buddy. Do you guys wanna work out here at the, you know, at the day?

And we're like, yeah, so we go down, we're there at the Winnipeg Jets. We go down, we go down and work out. They fucking load us up with gear. Like shirt, shirt, everything. I mean, they take care of us, top to bottom. They fucking load us up with gear, like shirt, shirts, everything. I mean, they take care of us, top to bottom. They fed us lunch. And then, and this evening, when we were performing.

And then, and then they all had an event, and all the Winnipeg Jets came in, came and hung out backstage, and they were funnest fuck. They're all young kids. It's funny. They're all young kids, and I'm like, I'm kind of like a larger dude than all of them. Yeah. So we're watching the Winnipeg Jets the next night. They're playing Edmonton, I think. And one of the kids that was in the room is in a fist fight in the middle of the fucking thing

and in going, ah, we were drinking beers at that kid last night. I was like, that's who's, hey, that's the kid. He's beating that guy's ass. And we had so much fun. Isn't that crazy how young, and like you can't really believe their age when you're around some of these pro athletes. Like when I did the, where the green bay, I did that arena, the red shutter. Yeah, and all the packers came and we're backstage after the show and they're all hanging out in the green room.

And then half these guys, I'm like, how old are you, man? And they have this face. It's a kid's, he's like, I'm 24. I'm like, you're 24. And then you're just kind of looking them up and down. And you're like, you play professional football. Like you can't, like you're a kid. You just look like a little kid.

When we did the Super Bowl, Orlando Brown hit me up, and he's like, hey man, is it cool if we come through? Zeus, yeah, come back to the backstage dude. And I was like, yeah, of course, they come in. The first fall, it was like the scene from Revenge of the Nords when the Omega Moose were walking in the door, and I was booger, they were just walking in,

and I'm like one, and they're all the largest dudes. Yeah, huge. And then the best is one of the big lion thing goes, sir would it be okay if I got a picture with you? Sir, and then I realized, Leanza, Leanza, she's like, your 30 years older than he is. And I'm like, oh my God. Like I'm all, I was talking with fucking Gabe Davis.

I'm older than his parents. I think deep, I think the crazy part is, some of them, you can't believe how big they are. Some of them, you actually can't believe that they're not that big. You're like, you play in the NFL. Like you're not that big.

Chris, Chris and McCaffrey was back there. Yeah. The coolest dude in the world, but like a regular size man. Yeah. Like he's not like freak nature as an athlete. Yeah. You touch his back.

Yeah. And you just feel a huge loop. It's like a protrusion. I kept saying to him, I kept saying, do you think I could catch you? Catch you? Like, if you ran away?

I was like, I was like in this room. Like, if you gave me like, like 20 minutes, do you think I could grab you? And Taylor and the ones like, minutes, do you think I could get grab you and and Taylor the ones like oh There are men that train all year long to catch him and can't catch it Yeah, and they're the best athletes in the world. Yeah, you definitely can't catch him. No, but like

Those dudes and they're all so by like I would buy a ticket to watch you try to catch Christian McCaffley I would pay real money And he was like, go, I just see you. You have a heart attack, dude. You would get away from you so quickly. You would say after while you'd be like, I was a bad idea. I know, yeah.

Yeah, those football players, man. Chris Gavin was at the show. Yeah. And I don't know it. I, I don't know enough, I know people, you know, and I know like, I mean, I, we obviously gave us a little different because, you know, Gabe's such a freak too. He's a fucking freak. He's like the size of a tight end and he's running the, like, he's got incredibly, he's running incredible routes. He's a wide receiver. He is, and he is the most regular cool

to do in the fucking world. He took us to, you would have fucking loved this fucking, I'm telling you, I'm not, I'm not supposed to say anything, but I have the arena next year in Vegas. Yeah, I have it for the fucking Super Bowl. Yeah, I think I do. Okay, but it doesn't matter.

We're gonna do a show. We're gonna do a show like we did last year, but we're gonna put more comics on. Okay, we're gonna get Super Bowl tickets. We're gonna put more comics on. It's gonna be, we're gonna do a wish list of comics that are football fans. And then we're gonna have everyone come through the green room

like we did this year. That'd be awesome. It was so much fun. And it's so the shit you love like like I said I don't know and I don't know a ton of Buffalo but I know enough about football but like there's a few names that stand out. Gabe's different because he's he was fan of the show and and so I got to watch him all year. He had such an amazing fucking year. It was fun and piece of Buffalo bills fans. So like, but Chris Goblin comes up. He goes, you know, it's like super fucking polite thing. I just wanted to thank you for letting us come back to the show where I'm friends with Gabe. I said, okay, cool. He said something like,

he's with his wife and I was like, oh yeah, let me introduce you to my wife and I said, sure, I said, what's your name? He said, Chris, I said, I said, wait, where are you from? He goes Tampa, I went and I stopped to go. What's your last name? Because God win. I went, bro, I lost my fucking shit. I was like, because that's like one of the few dudes, because I followed the box, one of the few dudes. And I was like, I was like, oh my God.

And my buddy, Tony's son was there. Tony's son thought he was at the age where he's not into pussy yet. It sports for him. And so I was a fucking dealer. I was like, he was sitting in the corner like, does Chris go out on it? Like, Chris, can you get a picture

where my buddy's from son? And he's like, yeah, he's like shaking. This is, oh my god. I mean, if I was ever gonna have sex with a boy, that's how to do it. I tell you do it, that's how you do it. You, let's wrap it up. All right.

All right. I love you. Love you too. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep them clean. Here's what we call, two bears one cave. No scripts to bet a booze amateur, Pertology, dirty jokes, Rancho Huber, no apologies. Here's what we call, two bears one cave. you