2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Bert's Blow Up w/ Ari Shaffir | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 191

Episode Date: June 26, 2023

This week on 2 Bears 1 Cave we have Tom Segura and guest bear Ari Shaffir! They discuss language, how main landers partake in open defecation and their own human dumps. They discuss some Israeli behaviors, Ari’s YouTube special, singers that fell from grace, and traveling in South America and Australia. They talk about how awesome it would be to be gay, and they discuss Mark Normand’s bachelor party where Bert Kreischer had a bit of a meltdown. They exchange stories about knocking things out of people’s hands, Tom’s kids and Ari’s hemorrhoids.https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://www.bertbertbert.com/tourhttps://store.ymhstudios.com/

Welcome to another episode. A first date with me is your host Lauren Compton. Find out what it's like to date the person in the hot seat. As long as they have good feet. That's a red flag. My guest is Danny Brown, Tom Sagarab. I'll split your hand for a night. Do you get jealous easily?

How do you feel about open relationships? Do you have a sex playlist? Just put on like some Bjork. That's a good one. And she goes, I was offering myself to you and I was like, what? New episodes every Tuesday. Rate, comment and subscribe. Anywhere you listen to podcasts. This week on Two Bears 1K. Get out of here. Stop fucking. I thought you were going to say it's somebody's job to kill guys. You did spend two hours at the bar. A fucking getting

drunk. Because I'm an alcoholic. I He has to might dream for a long time. In your ass lift. Yeah, just never happened. I'll do it for you, buddy. Really? Yeah. 100% A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Ladies and gentlemen, what? My normal co-host is out, and this time, the guy's sitting in weighs about 250 pounds less.

You can see his wrong side of history tour. He gets tickets for it at rachafir.com. Give it up for rachafir, everybody. Where'd you even center it? You even like the huh. Well, I mean, do a thing, oh man, it's fucking amazing, Babel. There's no way you're taking Hebrew.

I love Hebrew, and I love the Israeli people and I stand with Israel. I love that if you're like, why do you want to take this new language? You're like, spite. Spite, yeah. I want to hurt my producers. He's in the lesson.

Yeah. He's these guys in the lesson. So I did pretty well with that. Yeah. Thank you. Thanks a lot, man. It's a fairly grub on crown heights. Yeah.

I've always a pretty good mimic. I'm a decent mimic. So people, whenever I would, like when I lived in Boston for a summer, I would go to a Turkish coffee shop and every time I'd go in there. Just yell in words that black people call in. I'm like, you guys.

Hey, we're the same. No, I would always just ask them for, like, teach me a, so by the time I left, I may have forgot most of it. I could say, like, good morning, order my coffee, order, order breakfast, say thank you, and see you tomorrow. I could say all that. Just like learning little phrases.

I always like doing that. That's fun. It's fun when you go to, like, and you just know thank you. Like, and then you hop, or Indonesian or something when you say, and they're like, what the? And they're like, hi, yeah. You want Indonesian? And then if you learn something, you're not supposed to learn,

you freak people, really freak them out. Like my sister, my older sister joined the Navy pretty old, and she joined the, the language, she went to, they centered the National Language Institute in honor of California to learn Mandarin. And so she's in this like intensive Mandarin stuff, and then we go out to eat one time, and the waiter is like one of those,

you know, like Japanese steakhouse, but they don't, they use, are you Asian? They're like, you can do it. So I'm Cambodian. Yeah, just get in there. Yeah, we're Americans, we don't know. So the guys chop up the food, and she starts speaking Mandarin,

and this dude has a knife and he goes, and he throws it. And she spit in Mandarin at him and he's like, and he's like, he's like, do you know? He tells us, he's like, do you know how hard it is to learn Mandarin and we're like, I guess. I mean, it's not like French, we're like, oh, just a diamond.

It was like, you're not supposed to know this. He was, and then when I did, I mean, it's not like French. You're like, oh, just for a time. It was like, you're not supposed to know this. He was, and then when I did, I just did Australia. And the promoter for Live Nation, Andy. Andy, yeah. Yeah. He brought me to China. So he had lived in China for eight years. And then he started, I was like, tell me about some

balloons and people's minds towards it. And he was like, oh, it's the most fun. Because he ended up being like like fairly fluent in Mandarin. He was trying to tell us how easy it is. He's like, it's so much easier because because of the way the length, like it's just words and tone, but there's like, you just inject words in

and everybody knows, like there's no, like, it's made a sound like there's less nuance to speaking Mandarin. Really? That's, I like, made a sound like there's less nuance to speaking Mandarin. Really? That's, I mean, this is according to him. But like, what's this letter that looks like a fucking upside down bush? I mean, I don't know.

I don't know, but he just fucking, he was like, oh yeah, and then, yeah, of course, he said he's been in restaurants in New York and stuff where he started speaking Mandarin. And they call people from the kitchen. They're like, you gotta see this shit. Like, call people out, Chinese guys out there. No shit.

You know, blown away. I think he was saying, we were having a conversation by that he was saying the Japanese is way harder, but I don't know why. I mean, I don't know why. He said it's much harder. Yeah. I mean, it's a lot of people's big matter.

A lot of see. Yeah, and they're not all smart. Let's just be fair. They can't be. They can't be. And also mostly not. Yeah. Yeah. They're shitting in the mall. Yeah. I love a fucking good Chinese mall shit.

Pull your fucking pants up. Pull your pants up. Dude, there's a bathroom right there. There's don't shit in here. Sign. Don't sit on the floor. Don't just like begging. Like, I don't know what else to do. Yeah, I mean, because people, most people don't realize that, I don't know, 800 million Chinese people live inland and farm kind of poverty line people. Most of them are not Beijing. Beijing, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, so they're just like, what are we just shit? Yeah, I pulled my pants, I shit when I need to shit. Yeah, there's those signs. So I saw a kid when I was there and he he was like about to go shit just in the street, and he turned to his mom, and I was like, oh, she's gonna get me in trouble. And she's like, you go shit, yeah. Go.

Yeah. That's a cultural difference, like us. Yeah, it's just a, I mean, it must be also more common to see someone doing it. If that sign is out and it's pret like, but okay, let's be honest, you're you. Yeah. You walking around here. You're you. Yeah. You're walking around here, Austin, Texas.

Yeah. And then you see somebody shit. Obviously, you know, six street, not there. But like a regular person shitting in the park. What? Yeah. It's crazy. And then you see it again and again and another person does it.

But after how long would it take for it to be pretty regular, would you go, I'm assuming you need to take a shit in this scenario. Would you be like, it's not weird here. Well, I think you get used, if you were seeing it all the time, you'd be stunned for a few days and a few days. A few days, yeah.

Then you'd be like, there's someone doing it again, like a week later. And then I think like after a month, like people just shit, where they, when they just, yeah. It's just a thing, yeah, I don't know. I I mean but the next leap is like I got it you that's what yeah that's would you shit in the zilker park are these emergency shits are like I just got to get you know I mean there's a way every shit's

an emergency in a way yeah but there is there's like there's panic shits but okay not an emergency, not a full, like, I gotta, I gotta, yeah. But it's like, I don't wanna go home. Yeah. And I'm not gonna be able to make it till tonight. Well, if I'm living in this, like, free-shitting world you're describing,

I think I mean, once I've seen it, a bunch of people doing it, yeah, I'm just gonna be like, what's up, man? And just drop my shorts, I guess. But I think it still takes you a while to get there. You'll go behind trees at first. Because are most of these people who are, yeah, you're gonna go behind trees.

But most people are shitting in public like that, thinking about cleanup, like, is there paper involved? Like, you know what I mean? Think they care around a little, three or two people with them. Yeah. Dry wipes. Yeah.

Yeah, they don't have wet wipes there. They're kind of caring around now. I just they don't have wet wipes there. I'm carrying around. No, I just, I know, wet wipes are so amazing too. I tell you that's a guy when I got there, you did that gig too. It's a small gig in like through China. Yeah. But at the club, he gave me a packet of tissues, like a small packet

and he goes, keep these. And for what? He goes, you'll know. And it was like, oh yeah, when you're at some shit squatter and like, there's no toilet paper. I might thank God this guy gave me his packet tissue. That's nice. I didn't do all the China though. I only did Macau.

You did Macau, I didn't do that. Hong Kong and Singapore. Oh, oh, you missed the real, you missed the real deal. Yeah, I missed the real deal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's wild. Yeah, I bet, man. I just did South America, Latin American run, a couple months ago, yeah. It's wild. Yeah, I bet, man. I just did South America, Latin American run a couple months ago.

Yeah, Spanish. I did both, so I would do an hour in English and then close with 20 in Spanish. Wow. So the audiences were bilingual that came, you know? Yeah, I didn't even who lives there as like a police understand. If they're coming to the show.

Yeah, they're coming to the show. That was a lot of fun. That was a lot of fun. I didn't see him take a shit in public. You know what I've the show. That was a lot of fun. That was a lot of fun. I didn't see him when I take a shit in public. You know what I've seen people shit in public a lot or a fair amount was in LA, like in downtown LA and you know, you just drive in third street or whatever through downtown.

You're just like, oh, that guy's taking a shit right there. So I walk you. It is shocking. Yeah, it is kind of alarming. I expect to see it. Now it's not a guy in a suit. No, I'm like I'm late for this new thing. Yeah, it is kind of alarming. I expect to see it. Now it's not a guy in a suit. No, I'm like, I'm late for this meeting.

I'm not a suit. No. It's a guy that lives outside, you know. Yeah. That'd be a good fun prank sketch. You just go up to home, people in a suit. Like, is this where you guys do it? Is it?

No, okay. And then you're just like, how you doing? I could see the amazing racist doing that. That'd be a good, amazing racist one. Yeah. At the end, like, his dollar. Yeah. Kids in Israel, they take shits outside. No, I think so. I mean, yeah, they do. Really? Yeah, when I went there last time, took

our nephews over to the playground, and my brother's like, careful, that's a shit right there. You know, yeah, because like, they're like, who has the time to go find a bathroom when your kid needs to take a shit? You just dig a hole and let them shouldn't it? Especially if there's a who has the time many people have the time to go find a bathroom when your kid needs to take a shit? You just dig a hole and let them shouldn't it? Especially if there's a... Who has the time many people have the time to find a bathroom? Well, there is rarely, Ari. Oh, right. Dude, I was walking home from show once,

from synagogue, and I wasn't gonna make it to my house. It was three blocks, and I wasn't gonna make it. And this is in Israel? No, this is at home. Okay. And Maryl, when I grew up, so he's seventh grade, eighth grade, too late for this. Yeah. It just wasn't gonna... I was like, no, it's another three minutes. It's not happening. So I ducked on my neighbor's side yard and went in between their bushes

and put a human dump and, um, yeah, and then later, the next Saturday at Chul, there were reports that there was a hate crime. Someone, um, yeah, someone took a dump. I wanted to juice houses. So there was a hate crime someone. Yeah, someone took a dump. I wanted the juice houses. And I had just for that. He's a message to these fucking juice. I will shit in your yard. They wouldn't target a non-juice.

I like also that the hate crime, they're like, go between these bushes up. Yeah, we're here. It should be like a front door stuff. You walk out, you see our shit. You know what's funny about the, you never really explained this one to me, but I wanna know this.

And maybe you can weigh on this too, right? Like, I'm gonna tell you the full thing and then what he said. Okay. So, when we were in LA, my oldest was in, he was in kindergarten, I think. And, you know, when you, that age, when you bring your kids to school,

like parents walk in and you do, you say goodbye, like it's not like we drop off like a, a little bit older kid who drop them off at school and they go in, right? Like they're this young and you walk in the class. So you see other parents as my, like you really say, oh, hey, how's it going? All right, good, you give them the back,

here's your lunch and I'll be back. We'll pick you up in a few hours. And so you started to see some of these parents, and one of the parents that we would see routinely, always, it was a couple, but the man always dressed the same way. He wore these really thin gray sweatpants, and he had a cock on him, right?

And it was like, it stood out in particular because it was a real big dick. And it was like, it stood out in particular because it was a real big dick. And it was like, he's definitely wearing this. And he knows that you're seeing it and it's weird because you're around the all these little kids, right? And like maybe they're not noticing it, but all the parents are like,

are you seeing this guy's cock? Right? So like the parents that I was friends with, I was like, did you see, and they're like, the biggest deck I've ever seen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I noticed it. Yeah, we all noticed it.

And you get the outline of it, it looks like a fucking, an anaconda, the swallow crocodile, where you can like see the thing. It like, it like, it hung, like, and then the, like his sweatpants kind of hugged it. So it really like, it's gray, like, the gray, like would, like, you know, I don't know, it was like, it was like, I'm flexing here.

It's like, you see my bicep? It's like, that was his, and that was the outline of it. And it was clearly a limp, massive dick, right? So one day, I'm like, he, also, he's not friendly. He doesn't say much, the wife kind of standoffish too. And I go in, I come in, I'm telling them about it. And I learned that he's Israeli, I tell him. And the dad was like, oh yeah, I can see that Israeli.

I'm like, what do you mean he goes Israeli? He's like, yeah, I got a big dick. That's your fucking problem. And I'm like, how is that, what about that is Israeli? Do you know what I mean? Yeah, what about, it is Israeli though, I agree with him. You do, so explain this to me. It's just like this bravado, it's like the zohan,

you know what, he's playing fucking hockey sack on the beach. He's just doing wild stuff and he's just like, they got bulges, they were speedos, but not like the other one does. So, but the idea of like, you deal with it. That to you registers as Israeli? Yeah, that vibe. That vibe does does I'm doing it. Okay. Yeah I went to Israel. I'm doing it. Yeah, yeah, I don't get it. Yeah

It's very it's very easy to do we landed in Tel Aviv in the me my brother We food a lot was a small one-hour flight for a bit of flight and we get in there and this is really lady like 50 years old on the aisle seat. And the guy in front of her just leans back and she just goes, tap some and goes, no, no. He's like, oh, okay, good, no, no. Don't lean back. Yeah, no, it's 45 minutes.

And that, okay, so that's like cultural to you. You just speak your mind. And he's like, this is my dick. Yeah, that's it. Yeah. Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Am I cutting it off? Yeah, I'm not cutting it off.

I'm not gonna wear something that conceals it. Yeah. I want you to see it. It's glorious. Yeah. Yeah, by the way, it really was. It really was. Yeah.

Where's that? It was crazy. We're dropping off kindergarteners. Oh my god. You know, I'm like, come on, man. That's why. And his dick is at every kid's head level. Like it's right at their eye level, you know? Plus, you know, if every kid's seen their own dads.

Yeah. So then they have to reckon while they're trying to learn letters, like my dad is smaller than this one. Oh, that's what my son said. He goes, how come your peepee is so much smaller than the Jewish guys? And I was like, I don't fucking know. Let's talk about, no. Let's talk about something else. Yeah. Um.P. is so much smaller than the Jewish guys. I was like, I don't fucking know. Let's talk about that.

No, let's talk about something else. Yeah. Um, big of a Jews. Yeah. Uh, your special Jew is a, on YouTube. I'm, I'm a huge fan of it. I'm actually, it's really good. I've actually won some credits because I do remember calling you and saying, what are you doing

with that? And you're like, I don't know. And I'm like, you have to go shoot that. Is that not true? It is true and it did help me. Fucking thing. I was like, I? And you're like, I don't know. And I'm like, you have to go shoot that. Is that not true? It is true and it did help me. Fucking thank you. I was like, I don't know to do. I don't know.

I want that to be part of the narrative of the story. Okay. Go ahead. Thank you from there. How many hours in narrative? How many hours in narrative? How many hours? Two?

Okay. Is that wrong? No, that's right. But you weren't positive. I mean, I thought it was a trick. Okay. I was like, that joke doesn't work with this guy. I don't want two bears to see all the one.

It was funny, like there's none. You're not gonna trick me. That's true. No, it's not. No, none. Ivee. Excuse me. No, but no, you really did help me.

Like you get it going, dude. Cause here's what I remember. I was, I was telling, I was telling Jay last night, Jay O'Coursen, I was like, you know, when I, when you called me, you're like, I'm doing it at the store. Remember? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. years ago. I remember I was like, I don't know, I had like, like a tagline and like, oh, maybe the order thing, but I was really taken by how good it, like it really stood out as a really good. And it sat with me. So when you were like, no, not on any plans with it, I was like, you're crazy. Like you're crazy. If you don't do something with this. There's a couple of things happening in a row. It's all the fucking cancellations up.

But then in meat, I was like, I'll wait seven months. But this was yeah. And then I was like, yeah, so all time passed. And you're like, I'm in meat I was like I'll wait seven months Yeah, and then like yeah, so time passed and you're like I'm not gonna do anything with it But I mean it's also do I put you in the thanks of my thing because Yeah, because like I you and a few other comments like come down Please come watch it and just like anything unclear Anything that you don't understand like just let me know we sat there afterwards for like an hour Yeah, we did we did we talked about it. I'm we did. We talked about it. Like a lot of the dorm, like what, let's break out ideas. That was also very smart.

I think I'm gonna, I should do that more. How's some comments come? Just be like, tell me what you think. And you have to have people who are like super honest and, you know. I know you're not gonna hear my feelings. Yeah. Just like, yeah, of course. But man, that thing has, I really took off to mean.

It took off, yeah. Pull it up real quick. It's on YouTube. It's really, it looks good, which is like just a bonus, the fact that it cinematically, you know, like stages, it looks cool. It's the most fun.

It looks cool, it looks fun. Look at this. Yeah, Eric Abrams directed it. We really went all out with that. Yeah. Look how cool that is. That looks, the shine of the floor.

Wasn't the thing that like they didn looks, the shine of the floor. Was it the thing that, like, they didn't know the Met Real candles or something? Or somebody was like, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We had hired the fire marshal for a haze, and then, like, we've got a higher fire marshal queues, real candles, I don't give a shit.

And we're like, what? Yes. What is this, what's the view count at right now? 5.7 million. Almost at the sweetest number. Almost there. Almost there. Almost there.

Yeah. Yeah. 300,000 more. Yeah. We will be even. Yeah. When we get to 6 million on Jew, we'll call it, we're good. You take it down at that point, obviously.

Yeah. Yeah. Dude, that's a lot of. A lot of tattoo number, I mean. That's a lot of views, man. Yeah. That's a lot of people that point, obviously. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Dude, that's a lot of, a lot of tattoo number on me. That's a lot of views, man. Yeah. That's a lot of people that have watched that. Yeah, the response has been fucking kinda crazy, even from the Jewish community who are worried about it,

they're like, oh, fuck, it's not as callous. He's the last thing we do. Have you had, like, because you live in New York, you're gonna have orthodox or somebody's stop you? Yeah. It's a weird new famous and so

They're coming to the new shows and they're leaving. Oh, they're leaving. Yeah, they're like oh, this is not at all This is like when somebody goes to see like David Cross and they're expecting the guy from arrest a development They're like, oh fuck is this guy? And you're like, this is a real guy. Yeah. Yeah. That's great. It's so funny. They come in and they're like, oh, I know where you came from.

You came from this last special. I don't do my best. You see them pop up. Yeah. Yeah. And they're like, yeah. They're nice about it. They're like, we're those big hats going.

Oh, all right. Yeah, that's fucking. You do get some of those like, Hasidiki Jews coming to like clubs in New York, a confranteur Jews, because you're not allowed, you're not allowed to go. It's just like, why would you go see this disgusting? Who's like, cause I'm always surprised when I have done shows

where I've seen like Orthodox, and I'm like, coming to the standup show. Yeah. I always thought like with my limited understanding of, and I'm like, coming to the standup show. Yeah. I always thought with my limited understanding of the rules, is that something in ortho? That's not out of the realm. They wouldn't say any of those things that you say. Right.

But they can hear it. Hearing this, no problem at all compared to hearing your wife sing. That's a major sin. Really? Yeah. Your wife singing? Hearing your wife sing.

Anyone else's wife, anyone's singing, is like, you'll see them sometimes at like benefits in Israel, and then they'll have some like local singer singing, all the rappers will go over there. I'm in here. Can't hear a woman sing. Wild religion. Because that's, that's, that's going to like, could arouse you basically. Can't hear a woman sing. Wow, religion. Because that's, that's, that's going to, like,

could arouse you basically. It will arouse you. It will arouse you. Yeah. Even if she's not good at singing. She's a bad singer. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

What was that, Susan Boyle? That's Susan Boyle. What's she, Susan Boyle? This is the fat, the fat one. Wait, wait, wait. Oh, is that, that was American Idol or something? I think that was her. I think that was her.

I think that was her. I think that was her. I think that was her. I think that was her. I think that was her? I think that was so gross. And everyone's like, how can someone so disgusting looking sing so well? That's right. Doesn't make any sense. Oh God, poor lady. You know what's gotta be fucking just, like we all have our insecurities. And this woman was insecure, her whole life.

And then what happened was the day that this aired, people were like, did you see how ugly this lady was? And that's how, that's, you know what I mean? That's the press you see. Yeah. Wait, no. She's like, you know the thing I felt ugly before I sang this?

I lost 10 pounds before I went up there. Yeah, I know like she looks crazy. But actually, she has a makeover that definitely served her well. You know, like she needed, like when she's saying, that's obviously where she's saying, I think the first time. Yeah, the top right.

Yeah. I mean, her hair wasn't doing her any favors. No, like, she finally brushed. Yeah. Yeah, she's this crazy. She got like a drug addiction. Really? Like she got, I didn't know if people would get like fame,

it's like they get access to, I remember Mattis Yao, the like the reggae, like he was an Orthodox Jewish reggae guy who got pop success. And his rabbi was like, no, you can go for it. And then like, yeah, so he was religious. And then, you know, women started going, can I suck your fucking dick? And then, and he was like, no. And then after the eighth and ninth try. Well, I mean, if you want to, this is what people talk about. Yeah, and then he was like, I'm out. And

that's him right there. Yeah, now he's just a regular dude. Wow. That's him before. Yeah, with a look at a long hair with a Spanish fresh dropped him. Why? Looks like over it is really Palestinian. I don't know. He's probably pro-Israel. Oh, and then in the Spanish, we're like nah. I guess. Let's see, questions. What is it? What is it?

Well, because he gave, what does it headline say though? Proceed to be inadequate response to quit. Oh, that's it. You can be inadequate and they're like, we're done. Just like, I don't know. You're out of it. Dropped him of what the procedure to be is the American reggae rapper was removed from the lineup after he declined. Decline to confirm or deny his position. I mean, that seems like... On the creation of independent Palestinians, he just declined. He's like, I don't

want to comment. And they're like, work your out. Wow. Yeah. All right. Didn't know, didn't know Spain had such strong feelings. Yeah, that is nuts. That's kind of nuts. He's like, I'm not even going to talk about it.

Like, that's not good enough. That's wild. Yeah, to be like, removed from something for not saying something. Yeah, usually it's like, what you want is to be able to say, like, listen, I'm not a pop-plittle guy. You're asking the wrong guy. What do you think about COVID-vax?

Dude, I don't know anything about science. Yeah. That's not good. Yeah. Well, I don't know. I think people should do what they want. And they're like, nah, insuffer, yeah. Okay. Dude, every time somebody, you ever get an interview question

that's like just wildly inappropriate for a comedian. Yeah. Do you ever call them on it? Well, what I do is kind of what you're saying right now is where I go, you want that for me? Yeah, like that. I don't know, man. What are you asking me that for?

Yeah. Don't you want an expert or something for this question? Yeah. Well, what do you think? I don't know. I think I'm going to fucking go take a nap after this. I don't know. I started doing this.

I started going, just acting, breaking the fourth wall and just like, it's probably got into this. I'm like, what am I? It's probably got into journalism for this kind of thing, like legitimate, Milly. Do you want to do like investigative stuff? No, you want clickbait stuff, right?

You do, you want to do it? And then like, come on, man. By the way, I thought last night, this is how, well, it's darker in like comedy clubs and everything, even in green rooms. I just thought you were bald right there. And I didn't realize you'd dyed your hair.

Yeah. I was like, oh, he's... I dyed it to support Jay for a special. Really? Yeah, and then I showed up. I can't dyed it in solidarity. Because he had this dumb fucking homostriping his dumb head.

And it's special every time, so we're gonna go and rogan together and I'll make my stupid fucking hair like yours. And I showed up like look I'm like where's yours? He's like I got it out like a month ago. I'm like what? Yeah, it's also gabbers at the club last night. Yeah, I thought you burned yourself. Yeah It's so fucking dumb Yeah, look at that stupid fucking stripe. Oh Yeah That's so fucking dumb. Yeah, look at that stupid fucking stripe. Oh, yeah.

No idea. No idea he dressed it so bad. He just does it. He really looks like he fucking, you know, works in the back of the house, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's a great way to put it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a great way to put it. I'm like, if you didn't know, you'd be like, you know, could you move these trash cans?

He'd probably just do it. Yeah, he's such a nice guy, and I would just do it. Yeah. Okay, how was South America? Did you do anything cool besides the shows? I did anything cool. I mean, not by your standards, because you're like straight up, just have fun.

Adventure. You know, yeah, because I mean like in, well like it was great eating, it was like social. Football games. Was it, no, I did not go to any football games. I've been to a football game in Peru before, but I didn't go on this trip. Now, you know, it was very so, but I didn't go on this trip. Now, I was very soaked.

I went to dinners and I did radio in Buenos Aires. I did a... That's fresh. Yeah, cool. I did social outings, the shows were super fun. Chile was really quick. Lima, I saw family too, because I hadn't been there in a long time, so that was fun.

And then, yeah, I couldn't believe, because I'd't been there in a long time, so that was fun. And then, yeah, I couldn't believe, because I'd never been in Mexico City, like just how, I didn't realize it's like, fucking New York or LA, it's like, it's so. If not for stand-up, I might move to Mexico City. It's pretty fucking cool. Yeah, and the show that I did, I mean, because I did like, I said, hour in English,

show was fucking fireworks. Like it was really crazy good. So they never get like American stand-up. Yeah, they were like, like I said, hour in English. Show was fucking fireworks. Like it was really crazy good. So they never get like American stand up. Yeah, they were, and they were like super doing that. Like they were people that ran into me after the show. They were like, thank you for coming. Yeah, like tell your friends. Tell your friends.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you guys come do this. It was really cool. Yeah. Dude, I forgot that part of that, that we were talking last night on stage about that nude beach and Perth Yeah, so there's also all these it's a

Sorry, so you go because first of all you do here when you get there like you want to go to the nude beach Yeah, and you're like always you love to be naked. I love it. Yeah So yeah without any like judgment? Absolutely. Let's go and it's a beach, you know sure best face facing beach nice beach Nice beach really wide beach. Really wide. Lots of sand with dunes like in the back. Hotties everywhere. No. Old Gays. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just very old leering gays. Like I told you just like come right next to you. Like there's so much space, bro. Yeah. And like, yeah. I'm gonna check out what you got. Yeah. So Nick Cody told me this, that in the dunes,

when they're like, when you do walk by somebody and like, you get a response, I'm sure they must have looked at me like, nothing back. Yeah, yeah. Like, I'm just here to air out my dick. Yeah. But once you find a guy you like, you're like, let's go fuck.

So you go to the dunes with all these little pathways and stuff and you fucking back there. Oof. The dunes is also connected to where the military test their artillery. Jesus. So somebody's job in the military was to go through the dunes.

I stopped fucking, we're about to test. Get outta here, stop fucking. I thought you were gonna say it's somebody's job to kill guys. Get one, go train. Wait till it's full and then pull the trigger. And the gaze looks like we get out and you're like, oh, just fuck quietly.

Pfft. Wow. So somebody has to be like, we're about to blow shit up. Yeah, and you know, gaze fuck so like they go for it. Yeah. So you know that we got five or minutes. Yeah, we do. Yeah.

Dude, dude on dude, it's like at level of testosterone. Just, you know, it's like women keep us like civilized. So what civilized? Yeah, they, you know, they get, okay, and you're like, all right, I'll be, you know, I gotta like bring it down and get through the day. And then guy on guys are just like, you wanna fuck? Yeah.

Yeah, fuck. Yeah. So jealous. They're both just like, yeah, at the like yeah, yeah, fuck yeah so jealous. They're both just like Yeah, yeah, meetin in parks and shit. Just meeting in parks. Yeah, I took a walk I'm just remembering this right now with my niece to refer like But mitzvon we went, then we took a hike, whatever, just, somewhere in the East Coast, and we passed some old guy with this comb over,

kind of to pay, and it was like a hike behind a mall and into the woods, and he goes, how are you doing, but he's like looking at us, maybe my check in my knees, he's like, what's going on, I'm like, just taking a hike, I'm like, okay, and we start going, he goes, oh, I don't go that way, because that's like muddy, and I'm like, okay. And we start going, oh, I don't go that way because that's like muddy.

I'm like, okay. And so we went like a different way. And then we passed like two like 55 year old dudes on a bench together and then like passed another couple dudes but like older. And I'm like, oh, these are like Vietnam air gaze. Who come and like, I can't tell my wife. Yeah, I can't, yeah.

I can't even meet you at the bar. It's gotta be in the woods. In the woods. Like, that's how we used to do it in the 60s my wife. Yeah, I can't, yeah. I can't even meet you at the bar, it's gotta be in the woods. In the woods. Like that's how we used to do it in the 60s. Yeah. Yeah, fucking you know what? Respect. You respect?

Yeah. And when that guy was like, don't go that way, it's muddy. I'm like, oh, it's muddy from come. Yeah. There's so much come on the floor. Yeah, you're gonna get come in your shoes. Yeah.

Every one of those couples we pass was like looking at this little, like a 12 year old, like, get the fuck out of here. Yeah, and then they were like, oh, I got a fucking daughter. I got a stop-second text. I got a stop. Oh, my God.

Can't. So, so delicious. We just get one last text. I got to give it to work. Hurry up, hurry up. Yeah. Probably our delicious. Imagine if, like, hurry up, hurry up. Probably are delicious. Imagine if to get your rocks off,

you had to go to the woods. That's the way you could get hard to show. Yeah, you, specifically, like if it was taboo enough, or you were so ashamed of what you like, which is just like bone in your girl, but you were like, if society was like, no way. No, you're like, all right, I'll meet you in a park.

I'll hike you out there for a while. It's been raining. Like, we might slide down the side of the hill. It's gonna be cold. But if I don't do that, I'll never come. I'll explode. I need it. Yeah, it'll never come. I'll explode. I need it. Yeah, it's gotta be terrible.

Terrible. Yeah. Do you guys see the parody of Two Bears? The guy who does all the characters? Yeah, he does the dove and yeah, that's really funny. So yesterday, before I was like, this was funny. Yeah, I love that his birth's pretty good. His bird, he's like, I'm gonna get a lion.

Yeah, I feel like walking. He's like, I'm gonna get the trucks. And then he has the dove cackling like a psycho. Mm-hmm, yeah. Yeah. He really nails it in like 30 psychoms. Yeah, he did it a great, it was really funny. It was very funny.

Do you even do this with Bert anymore? No. Not really. Now we just did a few. That's good. Did I tell you about Bert at the Bachelor party? Did I? Norman's Bachelor party? Is that when he said the N word on stage?

No, someone else did. Oh, okay. Someone else did. Yeah. I don't know how to fold joke, but it's pretty close. No, he got, he was like, we're having a good time, but he gets drunk and then like, when he's coming off his booze, he gets like cranky, like probably like your child

used to when he was younger. Oh, tell me this. So we're all hanging out. It's a great beach house. Yeah. List and norm and just tons of comics. This is Tampa, right? Comics, uh-huh.

And he's like, I'm gonna be the, I'm gonna run this party. We're like, sweet. You're the guy for this. You're the party guy. He shows up. We're all like a beach bar and he goes, I'm ordering food for everybody. And Joe is like, no, no, I'm gonna get what I want to get. Yeah, I'm growing up.

I don't need you to do this. And you're like, oh, Joe's we're in the party because I don't like everything, man. What do you do that? Oh my God, I forgot about this. So, we're all having a good time. We're like, what's we eat today? We're not gonna go out to a shift club today.

We're just gonna hang out by the pool and the beach. And we're like, let's get, what do you guys wanna get? And at some point, they're deciding on dinner. So I go up and shower and then Bert decides Thai food. So him and Jeroza go to a bar, Thai place, five minute walk away. And then, so they go to get that, and then Jerolyse was like,

I'm gonna order some pizzas too. So these pizzas come after, after okay, so. So it's great. Okay. Burton Derosir at this bar, Drinking heavily at a Thai bar. Yeah. And then they're like, Joe Liz, come get us. He goes, all right, are you ready to go? Cause I'm not, I'm sober. So I'm not going to sit at a bar with you guys. And it's like, just come. It's a five minute walk. Right. They could just walk the stuff back. By the time he gets back, he's, where the fuck were you? That's what Burst says? Burr immediately.

We were sitting there for two hours. He's like, what's two hours? You left an hour ago. It's not two hours. He goes, he's cranky. He's cranky. He's coming off. Yeah, it's coming off.

We're not quite right. He has his sleep. So I'm down at that point. And there's pizza's coming. And Joe's like, yeah, whatever we got pizza's too, is no big deal. And he goes, you got pizzas, you said, tie!

And he goes, I didn't say tie, never will. I don't like Thai food. So I never would have wanted Thai. He goes, what the fuck, they ain't a Thai food! And he starts just screaming at Joe Lists, just screaming at each other's faces, not each other's faces. Joe Lists is like, what is this fight about?

I just hacked on some pizzas to whatever you got. Sure. So I'm down there, right? And by the way, there's just beautiful sunset happening behind them. So the rest of us are just sitting there watching the sunset at these two fucking dorks. They're just fucking, birds just screaming at least.

It was so magical. And then eventually I kind of chimed in. I was like, I was like, we can eat pizza antifood. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a problem. Yeah. I was like, I was like, um... We can eat pizza and Thai food. Yeah, yeah, that's not a problem. By the way, for eight pizza later. Um... Hahaha.

And then he go, I'm like, I said Thai food, he's finally going, you are here. Don't you ever say you want a Thai food. Hahaha. He literally said, don't you ever, any extent, you want it, say you want a Thai food. He literally said, don't you ever, and he accentuated, say you wanted Thai food, you were showering! Dude, it was the best.

It was the best. And then he slept for 14 hours. Okay, yeah. He was an out-of-the-eye guy, he was done. That is holy shit. It was so fun. Yeah, can we call them? A hundred percent.

Okay. He liked fun. Yeah, can we call them a hundred percent? Okay, okay He liked that Man, this is too good. Yeah, he started correcting Joe list on his swing, too Joe is like doing this minor league stuff Yeah, and and immediately birchals up like Joe you're you're swing sucks. He's like, what the fuck, dude, who are you? Yeah, get burnt to see what he says about fucking screaming. It was the dumbest fucking fight. It didn't matter.

We were all eating time food and pizza. And enjoying ourselves. Hold on, he doesn't answer. Oh my God, guess what? Yeah, are you here? You there? All right. You're on two bears when Caves is podcast.

I do sometimes. I have, I have, no, I have Ari Schaffer here. Oh, shut up. He's different calling him. Well, he's telling a story about you and I go, I got to confirm this. It's about, it's about a super aggressive meltdown you had at Mark Norman's bachelor party in Tampa about Thai food and pizza. Does this sound familiar?

Yeah. Okay. So here's the story he told that when you went to get Thai food with the Rosa that list showed up, it was not that much, but you flipped out that he was late and then you walked back. That's not how it worked. That's not how it worked. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. And then you got back, you find out he ordered pizza and you're like what the fuck

You ordered Thai food and that when Ari jumped in about it You told him like to not you screamed at him that you know I do what I do when I go I do it to Lee M2 Yeah, is when I'm a little bit out of control as someone tries to help me. Yeah, I go I need to get out of control myself Oh, okay, okay, it was it was I'm a little bit out of control as someone tries to help me. Yeah, I go, I need to get out of control myself. Oh, okay. Okay. It was, it was, it was fun.

And no, let me, let me just explain how this went down. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I hadn't seen Joe in a row for a while. So we said, Joe and I will go get ties. We would, hey, Joe, list your sober. Can you drive us? And so Joe, Joe roast and I went and we got high food. And I said, you know what?

Razzle down. I'm gonna get it for everyone. I'm gonna just get everyone dinner. We'll get $180 with the Thai food. We're bringing home. Yeah. So I want to have a couple cocktails. We call Joe list and we say,

can you come grab us? We're ready. Joe list took a while, which is fine. And Joe, Joe, roasted and I were kind of breaking his balls. And we were not treating Joe Lys, we were maybe a little insensitive to how Joe Lys fell in that moment. Okay.

I came home with the Thai food and they got pizza and I didn't melt down and I, by the way, I was like, yeah, you did, you melted, bro. I melted down and I got away. I'll tell you. Yeah, you did. You melted, bro. I melted down. I melted down. I melted. Okay, I definitely melted down. Oh, I'm gonna go melt down.

Oh, I'm gonna go melt down. Oh, I'm so excited. Are you going to get some crack in? Okay. I love when he starts telling a lie and I realize, oh, someone knows the facts. He's so correct. He said I self corrected.

Okay, yep. Okay. But I self corrected. Okay, yep. Okay. By self corrected, that's weird. Can I? I correct it. Can I jump in though? That I think, I think, because I know Bert, I think what part of what was upsetting to him

is that when he ordered Thai food for everybody, he's like, I'm doing this. So everybody has a good time and enjoys this Thai food. What's we do? And then, what he's... He's like, you're my best friend, this is why you're my best friend. And then he's showed up.

And there's pizza, he's like, What's the time to go in? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. He shows up, there's pizza. And it's like you're kind of like, you're kind of like taking the party down a notch that he was throwing for you in that moment. You know what I mean?

Yes, do you? Like the Thai food was for all, we all got a good time look what I did for you. And it's almost like, you know what? You can keep your gift to yourself. And that's the way he registered it in that moment. As he was screaming it at Joe, we were all enjoying the Thai food. We were eating Thai food.

Hold on, that's the thing. Okay, Ari, you nailed it. It's all is Joe. And by the way, I love Joe List. I hope that Joe List that I, everyone knows that I have no problem with your list. But I was saying to Joe List, all you had to say was thank you,

not no one wanted Thai food. Joe List said no one wanted Thai food. You just got to know Thai food, no one wanted it. I said, hold on, everyone's eating the Thai food. Everyone was loving the Thai food. And he was no one wanted it. And I said, don't say no one wanted it. Just say thank you. Just say thank you. That's all you have to say is thank you. And the whole thing is like, we said, hey, we're going to be Thai food. But when we got sushi, we got Thai food. We hooked it up. And we came back pretty wasted. Yeah. And all and by the way, by the way,

how about to say is, hey, we didn't, not, hey, we didn discussing what to eat for a while while I was up in the are you saying? You said you know that time to fuck around and wait. You did spend two hours at the bar a fucking getting drunk. That's because I'm an alcoholic already. Okay, now I'll self-correct. I'll self-correct. You're right. You're a fucking drunk.

All I wanted is someone to say, hey, we were fucking around. We couldn't make an decision. You made an decision, you got it for us. Just all I wanted, all I wanted someone to say, hey, we were fucking around. We couldn't make an decision. You made an decision. You got it for us. Just all I wanted was thank you. Not we didn't want this. And by the way, no one else said we didn't want this.

Just Joe Liz said, no one wanted this. And I went, hold on, you didn't want this. Because Joe has the palate of a fucking seventh grade. So you took me to my brother and I think you did the same thing. Joe Liz only three doubles. I'll get a chicken parms. Louis says we raise the Paris. He goes, where can I get a chicken parm around here?

That's hilarious. So, but what about you yelling at Ari that he said you yelled really aggressively in a case. No, no, I didn't yell at Ari. I did the thing to Ari that I do to Liam, when I'm drunk and I'm in an argument, and I'm in a hole, and Ari knows me way too well. And I was like, I need to have solved this with Joe list. Because I also didn't know what team Ari was on.

I was like, you should go fuck him. We all just wanted to end. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I didn't want to end though. I was still doing it. Yeah. Wait, you know yeah, I didn't want to bend though, I was still doing it. Yeah. Um, uh, wait, you know what team I was on. Oh, I approached your list very wrong. That entire weekend. The first thing I said to him was, Hey, Tony, you want me to tell you what's wrong with your swing? And then, and then did you, did you accept that nope? No, I'm going to tell you something.

Yeah. He's up and landing off his back foot. He's leaning on his front foot. I'm with you on that one. He's not breaking his wrist. Yeah. There's a lot of, I mean, listen. Is he trying to hit for singles or power?

Why, what are we talking about here? Come on, Joe. Yeah, we're going for power. We're trying to hit over runs. I hit a home run at my high school. Yeah, today I'm 50 years old. I'm fucking hitting gamers. And I, what are you? High school. I'm a my high school day of the day, I'm 50 years old. I'm fucking hitting gamers. And I, what do you know, high school?

I think Joe and I are very different then. And I should have been aware of that. Sometimes I cast a large wake and I don't pay attention to other people's feelings. And it's the birch show. And I don't allow room for other people. And I'm working on that. I'm working on that.

This is a very self-aware bird. We're talking to you. Why did you remember why you yelled at me, Bert? Do you remember exactly what it was? No, what? I said, I believe I said, like I was, I think I said like, I was okay with Thai food or,

or I was downstairs when you guys, and you said, Don't you ever say you want a Thai food Hey, I've got I love you. It's up before I fall We wanted to fight so bad to it. I just started laughing. It was so dumb I love that. I'm not. I'm a tough friend to be friends with. What? It was a fun weekend. It was a fun weekend and then I fucking, then I got COVID. I went over the fuck. I fucking, I got, I fucking, I spent the whole last day strict as a dog and bed. Oh yeah, you passed out. I got to do an ID. Remember I got to do an

IV, sorry. Yeah. I mean, I'm a fight got to be all in bed. Oh yeah, you passed out. I got to do an ID's, remember I got to do an IV's, are you? Yeah. I mean, I'm afraid I got to be all in fishing. That was a burnt plan. Oh what? Fishy went fishing, that was the first one. The fishing was great. No, as soon as we were like, we're like,

I'm too normal. I was like, hey, invite Bert, he might be too busy to come, but like invite him so he feels invited. Yeah. And then he will like, back to the party in Tampa, yes, I will be there. Yeah, there's no way for him to burn that down. And he goes, let me be activity chair. And we're like, okay. But party in Tampa? Yes, I will be there. Yeah, there's no way for his body. That is his body. And he goes, let me be activity chair.

And we're like, okay. But that's a good thing for Bert. I mean, he likes to have a good time. He'll have a good time. I think Joe, I think Joe was activity chair. And Mark Norman's like, Joe doesn't drink. He doesn't like doing things. Can you take this over?

I was like, you know what? I sounds like I want to be friends with this Joe guy. I like this one. I like Joe a lot. Yeah? I sounds like I want to be friends with this Joe guy. I like this. Yeah, I like Joe a lot. All right. Well, how are you feeling? What are you doing? Are you working? I'm in, I just did an FS and interview for Florida State and proceeded to stop the crime of the entire interview reminiscing about Florida State. It was not the interview they wanted. the top cry for the entire interview reminiscing about Florida State. It was not the interview they wanted. Okay. I think they're looking for a cheerful one. I'm in Charleston, West Virginia doing. I'm calling them back.

Hey, are you hung up on you? Are you promoting shows? I don't know. He just was like, oh, he's I'm bored. He's gonna be promoting shows. I don't know. He just was like, oh, he's I'm bored. He just came up with the promotions. All right, look, I love you. Have a have a good weekend, man. Does Ari love me? Yeah, I love you too, Bert. I love you too. I love you guys. I'm touched.

You later. Okay, buddy. I'm sure I say you want to type it. Dude, it was so fun. So you didn't like that. And now I do a split of words. So what's the problem? Like, he's just cranky. That was so much. When he goes, I didn't do that. He's like, all right, I did it.

The full 180 when you catch a gun. That's a full, that's not even, but that's such a bird move. He's like, that's completely not, okay, that's true. Yeah. It's like when he's realized someone has the info, he goes, okay, if I don't have that. Yeah.

He doesn't remember some shit sometimes, and we're gonna be like, no, I'm like, yes, I mean, I believe you. Oh, God. Oh, it was fun. Holy shit, man. Yeah, I mean, that's, it's not standard for him to scream, though. No, I've never really seen it like that,

but people like, you can't take a serious. It's over Thai food Yeah, yeah, that's good That's very good that you had that that you kept it actually from escalating Yeah, but and also it's like they're involved. I'm not gonna fucking right. I don't need this Yeah, we're all having a good time. It really was a such a beautiful sunset going over down over these two idiots Screaming about the food that we're all eating Shit, I just wanted to thank you. It was so fucking funny. It was so fucking funny. It's so burnt too. Do that party. That batch of party, DeRosa was like, I can't come. I have to do

pickups for my vice show. I was like, pickups. We talking about, because they need me to do pickups for this thing. And I was like, they have to do it about, because they need me to do pickups for this thing. And I was like, they have to do it during this weekend and it's batch, and I lost it on them. I was like, that's such bullshit. Tell them another weekend, like they can't do it and another weekend. If you wanna sick come, they would have done another weekend.

That's fucking bullshit. And then you got him to do it? No, he just like, I can't do it, I can't do it. Meanwhile, he was always coming. He was just fucking with me. Oh, really? Yeah. So we get to this bar.

That's great. I mean, I'm losing on my favorite. You're a bad fucking friend, dude. Not to come to your friend's back, so I'm like, really guilty in my heart. Jesus. Where he's like, hey, this kind of hurts. Like, it's knowing it's a,

so then we're at this bar and he gets a fucking tray of shots, derosa from inside. It just comes out, we're all like ready, and he goes, hey, everyone's shots, I'm like, what the fuck? He was just having to be a day late. Was he, I think he was with... By the way, that type of place was a seven minute walk. They were waiting for Joe Liss to come pick them up,

so they'd have to walk seven minutes back to the house. That's really close. Yeah. They must have been hammered though. Yeah. Plus Derosa been hammered though. Yeah. Plus Duroson and Berder like they get after bottles. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah. I mean, yeah. I can't hang I can't hang with bird drinking. No. Duroson, I finally figured out that he's like, let's do shots. I'm like, Oh, I've been with you in this situation before. You're about to throw up. Yeah. And you're trying to get me to go to your level.

I just had a flashback to Montreal, like 10 years ago. And we were all out, you know, you always out late. And I was out there with like, we walked into a McDonald's. And it was like, canane, derosa. Was it you? Did you do it?

I can't remember who did it, but I remember that Deroza got out his, what he ordered, and it's like, whatever, two in the morning or something, I'm gonna be all the drinking, like burger, and then somebody swiped it so that it would go on the ground. It sounds like you.

I don't know what it is, but I do remember it. That is a fun thing to do, just the slight tap, whatever you're holding, just the slightest. And everything, all the food he just got, was all on the ground. On the streets of Montreal. It hurts so bad when that happens, dude. And it's never violent, it's just a light tap

enough to make you drop it. I remember that I was just like, It hurts. I didn't send me in the laughter, I was like, I wish I remember who did it to him. Who did it to him? I think I remember that story. I don't think it was me. I don't think Kyle did it to him, right?

Cause that's like a, it's a close friend move to do that. It's a, yeah, it's a friend move. I don't know if they were, I don't remember. But I do remember what, witnessing that and being like, me and Gomez were talking about this, that move. Yeah. And we were like, we're talking downstairs at the stand. And he was just like, let's go upstairs and do it to somebody. And we're like, okay.

And so we went up there, there was, oh, everybody had glasses. This won't work, it's glass. But then some guy comes over with a bottle, a can of ticate. And he was like, hey, Lewis, a big fan that I reach both looked at it. And I was like, okay. And I just like lightly slapped it. And now this is the cate rolling off the floor. And he's like, what the fuck?

I'm starting laughing. You even got it. I'll get you another one. Sorry. But there's something so much more like just vicious. It's like like cruel for a guy who's been drinking and just wants food. And just wants food so bad. You know that, like, because when you order that 2 a.m. McDonald's, you're like, kind of, and fries, and you're like, God, this is gonna,

and the waiting for it is like this, you get the dopamine drip. 10 minutes of it. Going from anticipation, and then he just took it and like, oh, this is gonna make me feel so good. drip. 10 minutes going from anticipation. And then he just took it and like, oh, it's gonna make me feel so good. And someone just goes, bruh, you're hands, you're like, oh my God.

It's so mean. It's so mean. And I could see, do you see how I was like, I was like, what's that you? Yeah, I could, man. I remember we did something's burning and we finished, she's beautiful, me, Renaziseian,

and burnt over at the old house. And we finished, she's beautiful sliders. And then like, my thought was like, they're presenting it for the camera. Like, like, let's, and I was like, I gotta hit it. I just gotta hit it. Of course you did. And then I didn't for a second. And I regretted it for so many years.

Yeah. Yeah, it really bothered me. It kept me up. Yeah. Why don't I just hit it and knock them out? Ah. Yeah. Yeah, you think about those moments, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think I got it back at the end when we did them in New York, we'd sing, it's burning, and then we finished like a gumbo. Yeah. And then, yeah, then I would, let's go. You knocked it out. Let's go. It's such, yeah.

Food is the worst one, too, because it's ruined. Yeah. You know, if you're holding a notebook and you slap it, it's like, yeah, very funny. Okay, come on, man. Yeah. But food is like, you have to get new food. Yeah. There's people who you can't do it to. slap it, it's very funny. Hey, come on man. Yeah, but food is like you have to get new food. Yeah. There's people who you can't do it to.

I've done it to those people. Really? Yeah. And they do get mad. Yeah. And then you have to explain to them, I'm not trying to challenge your manhood. We're just friends. Yeah, and this is part of my friendship.

Yeah, yeah. This is what it's like to be friends with me. This is the price that's being charged with me. It's a lot of apologies. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, there's some people that don't, they're not into that.

They just don't like it at all. No. The Rosa said he was, he did it to somebody. That guy we're talking about outside. Yeah. And he said he had a new notebook, some comic. And this is a nerd comic from LA. He goes out and Joe, Joe's like, can I see that notebook?

And he's like, yeah, and he goes, he just throws it. And the guy goes, pick that up right now. And he goes, no, it's funny, fuck you. And then the guy was like, you pick it up right, and then it was like, now my manhood is challenged. And so someone waitress picked it up and gave it back to the guy and goes, real mature Joe.

And he goes, those two have not been friends since then. Yeah, I can see that. Yeah. Yeah. There's people that like, they don't play that shit. Yeah. And I don't mean that necessarily. I'm not saying it as a compliment.

It's just that of Nathiravak. Yeah. It's just, or they take it so, like so personally. And so, like as, they take it as such a bullying move, that they see it as I'm standing up for myself in this moment and not like, oh, this is a silly thing. Just a silly thing, it doesn't matter. Yeah, and then if they don't laugh right away,

then it does become serious. Like you can just laugh at this and it's fun. Like it happens to me, people get me on it. Yeah. And it's a tall, nice. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, you did try to hit an adob's six out of his hand outside, right?

I did, yeah, I did. And I did do it. And my rule, because I have some ethics. You do it once. Yeah, you don't get it, you don't get it. That's good. Yeah, you don't just keep smacking. That's bullying.

Yeah. It's like some, it's like some mob shit you got. We don't go after the women and children, right? Right, right. Yeah. Here's a fun one you can all do at home. You get if somebody's eating gum and you're like, can I go stick a gum? They'll hand you the pack usually. Take a piece out and then empty, right? Right, right. Yeah, you watch that. Here's a fun one, you can all do this at home. And you get if somebody's eating gum and you're like, can I go stick gum?

They'll hinge the pack usually. Yeah. Take a piece out and then empty the rest out. It's only a dollar, too, for a fine gum. Yeah, yeah. It's not restrictive, but like what the fuck? Yeah, that's such a fucking asshole. A caw. Yeah, because you can get gawd. You know, you can such a fucking asshole. A caw.

Yeah, cause you can get, you know, you can get more gums. You're not, like, you're not, you're not counting on gum to keep you fed. You know, I mean, like, I'm not gonna eat today. You're right, you're right. It's just like a little side treat kind of thing. It's like, no, this is the right thing to do. Fuck.

I haven't done something like that in a while. It's fun. Yeah, I've, you know, I've been doing, I've been farting at Nadav and I wink at him. I haven't done something like that in a while. It's fun. Yeah. You know what I've been doing? I've been farting at Nadav and I wink at him. He doesn't like it. Is it Adam? No, like I'll just, if I look at him, I'll fart and then I'll go.

Yeah, he's like, I don't like that. That's very familiar. Yeah, yeah. Can't confirm. Hate it. Yeah. Farts are really still really good. Yeah.

Are kids like those yet? Yeah. Yeah. Do you know what happens every night? Every night. Get them in their room. It's a whole, I mean, it is a, it's like, you need a game plan, you know? So you get like kids to like,

go to sleep. Oh my God, like pajamas is a whole, then you have teeth brushing and then you're like, complete, just get enough fucking bed. And they get in the bed and then you're like, put your head on the pillow. Like, you know, they just want to keep, you get it because you remember being a kid,

you don't want to go to bed. They're like, all right, we'll go to bed. But you got to tell us a poop story. So, and then, I'm not putting it into a sick bed. Yeah, so you start, I have many. Yeah, you start like telling them like the things

that stand out and you're like, oh, this one time I shit my pants. And they, you're killing, like I've killed a few times on stage. You're like, that's memorable. And these guys are like, oh, I can't breathe. Tears, they're like, that's the funniest fucking thing I've ever. And if you tell them about diarrhea, you know, like shit in your pants, or a huge shit,

like any of that, they're like, that's the best. Can you tell us another one now? And you're like, all right. So the first week, you're telling like your big life shit stories. Well, you know, after a couple of months, you're like, I don't have that many, like I'm out of like big stories.

And so then I'm like, all right, I remember my dad had a couple, I tell like my dad's stories to them. Then I remember like a friend. And then it all said in like two months ago, but I guess I'm just gonna make up shit stories now So I just make up stories that time stories were yeah, but now they're like tell us and then I go I'm out of stories They go tell us one of the ones you told us before. It's okay. I love this

So I tell the whole story again, and they're like oh, yeah, I remember this one. It's a good one Yeah, they love it dude I love it. I've been sharding a lot lately. You have been? Yeah. You have a crazy ass. In altitude and stuff?

Like in planes? No, like, I'm mountain stuff. Yeah, I shard on a ski lift. Ooh, yeah. That sucks because you have layers of clothing on and- Yeah, and it's taking you away from the bathroom. Yeah, yeah. I think you got to ski down with it.

With it, yeah. And then you really, it was big shits, like. Well, what, a shark, you don't know. There's such a range of what it is. What it could be. You got to find out. It might just be like almost nothing. It might just be like, oh, there's a stain.

Or it might be like, shh. Yeah, I got a shower. Yeah, yeah. I had to get snow and like, screw up snow and wipe my ass hole off. Oh, how bad was it? It was like some, it's like, I don to get snow and like screw up snow and wipe my ass hole off. Oh, it's, how bad was it? It was like some, it's like, I don't know, maybe like that. It was like, it kept coming a little bit,

but then it's like, I think God for the snow. Then I think too, it was like somebody probably skied by, I could just ski to the woods, be alone, but then someone probably skied by there later. I'm like, what a serene, beautiful, and like, oh, human shit. You know, like rappers don't wipe their hands off. Oh, fuck.

Did you, uh, do you still have like that swollen hemorrhoid? Yeah, I have it. I'm gonna see it. No, but does it still, like, once in a while? So, you can go up here to time where it's not an issue at all. Yeah, and then sometimes it'll just pop out. Uh, the blood is the main problem. Then it bleeds all the time. That constant. Have you ever thought about getting it like, or it's not an issue at all. Yeah, and then sometimes it was pop out. The blood is the main problem.

Then it bleeds all the time. That constant. Have you ever thought about getting it, like, you know, addressed? Marketed? Oh, yeah. Yeah, no, they tied, like they did the tie the hemorrhoids off. So they cut off the circulation until like the eyes

and falls off. They did that and then it didn't help with the bleeding. He's like, oh, you must have some inside ones. You gotta do surgery surgery. But then it's like two weeks of not sitting down. Because there's that, what was the video, the original one from like years ago? Ju-Clam?

Ju-Clam. Yeah. You get that? Homersimpses, yeah. Homersimpses mouth. Dude, that's, yeah, they tattooed my butt onto as Homersimpses mouth. Jesus Christ, man. It was the juke lamp, yeah.

Red band shot it in the Cap City Green Room. I remember that I, I thought, I was there. I was there. Oh, that's right. We had just kind of met. I didn't really know you guys. And I saw this. I was developing my sense of humor.

But here's the thing. I saw this and I pulled Red Band aside and I go, look man, I'm really concerned about what I saw with Ari. And I had like genuine concern. Like I didn't really know you, but I was like, that guy needs to go to the hospital. I know. And I was like, don't tell him that I'm telling you.

Like I did that thing like with you. I'm just like, I'm telling you that I'm worried about this guy. He was like, okay. And then like, I don't know, an hour later, you're like, I heard you really worried. I was like, I was like, I got like dickhead. And he thought it was so funny.

Oh man. It was me shitting and I had to drop it. And then I was like, I thought, because I couldn't, I didn't know what I felt. It was something in there. And that was when you first discovered, that's it. Yeah, I didn't know it looked like that. I thought I had a piece of poop just coming out

and so I was like trying to show him poop but he goes, there's no poop. That's just your skin. Oh my God. It was so easy. And they, kind of, as one of the things that got out, it scrubbed from the internet. It's been wiped, yeah.

Really? It used to be on like the just meat. Have you ever shown it to like a girl you're seeing? No, no. I one go try to eat my ass and it was like, you don't want to be there. I couldn't concentrate and it was like, you don't wanna be there. I couldn't concentrate. I was like, I don't know if you're doing it. Did you know if it was in or out?

It's never, I mean, it's never good looking. Yeah. It's never like that. You told her no. She just did it. I just felt uncomfortable. Really? I just felt bad for her.

Wow. Because you knew the state of her ass. Yeah. I mean, it's been my dream for a long time. Get in your ass, let's. Yeah, it just never happened. It's not gonna happen. She's not gonna do it.

Yeah, she's not gonna do it. I'll do it for your buddy. Really? Yeah. You know, the thing is, you could probably talk me in and then like, right before it would occur to me, I'm like, he's not gonna like my ass, something else is. Right at the last second.

Do a real skate press and Lewis, we had some agreement to do something and I was like, I got him to agree, he goes, and he goes, if you don't do this or whatever, it goes, I'll suck your dick if you do this or whatever. I was like, when he goes, I'll just put your dick in my mouth. And I was like, and everyone's chanting, like Legion of Skanks fans and I was like, okay, let's do I'll just put your dick in my mouth. And I was like, and everyone's like chanting, you know, like Legion of Skanks fans.

And I was like, okay, let's do it. Put my shirt over my head. And I took my pants down. And he's like, all this knees in front of me. All he had to do was go, oh, oh my God. And we were like, let's do it. And he's like, okay, okay, I'll drink some water. Okay, and he gets down there.

And then he just punches me in the dick. It throws the water in my face. And I'm like, oh, yeah, right. Oh, right, right, right. Yeah, like you're not gonna suck my dick. Oh, right, fuck. Just like you be like, I will eat your ass. I'd be like, okay.

I'm like, Ben over. And then like right at that last second, I'd be like, that doesn't feel like a tongue. I'm like, I'm not doing it. know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know.

I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know.

I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know.. Minneapolis, Madison, all these places around the Midwest.

We're starting there. Tickets just went on sale for everything. Wilbur at some point. Okay, good to other Wilbur's fantastic. Do you want to do a little theater tour? Erie Schaefer. It's pronouncing it a little incorrectly. Erie Schaefer.

Someone's learned Hebrew. Shalom. Erie Schaefer.com for tickets. That's it, anything else? No, buddy, thanks for having me. Nice to see you again. Shalom. RRShareFair.com for tickets. That's it, anything else? No, buddy, thanks for having me. Nice to see you again. Nice to see you, thanks for coming. And I'm gonna show you yesterday.

That was so fun to do. That was so fun. I'm listening. It's fun because a crowd gets so, like, go ahead, give us what we'll try something. Yeah, that energy is important. You need shows like that where it's not like, all right, just kill.

Like dude, like make me, like make this amazing, you know? Like you need that thing of like, that show, the reason I love that show is a show where it goes, try to figure something out. And the audience is like, oh, they're trying to figure something out. It's like it's established. Yeah, they get with you, I try to tell them early on. And then when, and they're, here's like, they stay honest.

So, you know, there's like, lulls, but they're like, yeah, I'm okay with this. Yeah. And then if you're hitting something that's working, you're getting that reaction. When you get to like the ridiculous part of the story, people really get into it. Because like, oh my god, and you can really like, the story, I mean, I never told the O.D.ing story as like, I did it on your show. I rehearsed it on your local show. Yeah.

And I did it on your show, and then I never made it a bit. It was just like, I just left it as that. But the other stories I did on this is not happening. I did them on stage for a while. Like they became bits. I think when you can figure out a story from your show and then do it as a bit, you're like, oh, this is great. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a cool cause it gives you an idea to do it a story. We're like, especially when you used to do themes. We're like, do you have any like dad stories, or do you have any friend stories, and then some would have one, like let me think of one. I'm like, oh yeah. And then you're like,

it gave you the incentive to think of one, and then you continue it on the road afterwards. Yeah, I mean, I'm gonna definitely talk about the... Australia. Yeah, and the other one, I'm gonna, the mom one. Like yeah, I'm gonna work on those. Yeah, that's great Okay, thank you, and we'll see you guys next time Bert time time and Bert one goes top the swath the other wears a shirt

Tom tells stories and birds the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean Here's what we call There's one cave. No scripts of bed of booze, amateur, pathology, dirty jokes, ranchy humor, no apologies. Here's what we call, scoop, there's one cave. you