2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Bert's Not Dead | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: February 9, 2026

SPONSORS: - Sponsored by Pepsi. Go try Pepsi Zero Sugar today. Let Your Taste Decide. - Protect your family with life insurance from Ethos. Get up to $3 million in coverage in as little as 10 minutes at https://ethos.com/BEARS. Application times may vary. Rates may vary. - Get 10% off your first month of BlueChew Gold with code BEARS at https://bluechew.com - Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial and start selling today at https://shopify.com/bears - Sponsored by BetterHelp. BetterHelp makes it easy to get matched online with a qualified therapist. Sign up and get 10% off at https://BetterHelp.com/bears - Head to https://factormeals.com/bears50off and use code bears50off to get 50 percent off and free breakfast for a year. - Get up to 55% off at https://Babbel.com/BEARS. This week on Two Bears, One Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer spiral gloriously through brand loyalty, fast-food hot takes, donuts, Super Bowl commercials, health scares, and the kind of brutally honest conversations only best friends can have. The Bears break down why Pepsi Zero Sugar might actually be better than Coke Zero, debate McDonald’s fries vs. literally everyone else, and revisit classic brand wars like Burger King vs. McDonald’s and Dunkin’ vs. Krispy Kreme. From Blooming Onion horror stories to why you should never order seafood at a steakhouse, this episode is packed with food takes that will absolutely start arguments. Bert also opens up about his recent blood clot scare, panic attacks, medications, and how the experience completely shifted his perspective on health, mortality, and gratitude. The guys also talk sleep apnea machines, Benadryl addictions, Mounjaro side effects, testosterone confusion, and why medical advice somehow never agrees ever. Plus: donut shop conspiracies in Los Angeles, Cambodian vs. Vietnamese sandwich excellence, Krispy Kreme’s wild history, Instagram’s “fatties eating” algorithm, tracking down Ari Shaffir in the jungle, and why the 2 Bears 5K might literally save lives. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 324 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:00:06 - Brand Wars 00:07:07 - Weight Loss Drugs 00:14:58 - Pepsi Challenge 00:22:40 - I Bought A Donut Shop 00:39:22 - Coin Pusher 00:40:54 - 2 Bears 5K Is Back! 00:45:13 - Bert's Blood Clot 00:49:38 - Where In The World Is Ari Shaffir? 00:54:39 - Black Appreciation 01:00:41 - Wrap Up Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

100% Let me tell you something. I'm going to be real, okay? Look, we all grew up in McDonald's. McDonald's fucking rocks. McDonald's is awesome. But I'm going to be really honest. McDonald's, Big Mac, their signature sandwich,

does not hold a candle to a whopper with cheese or to a baconator. And that is fucking facts. Wow. Okay? Yeah, we did a taste test here in the thing. McDonald's, cheeseburgers, McDonald's fries are tops.

No one's ever going to beat McDonald's fries. I was going to say, because I think anyone's opinion becomes invalid if they start putting other fries above Mickey D's fries. It's impossible. It's impossible. McDonald's. And piping hot, by the way.

Piping hot. I want it to burn me. I want it to burn my fingers. And I want my mouth. Isn't it crazy how your fingers will burn harder than your mouth? If you touch a hot wing, you're like, ooh, those are hot, but then you put it in your mouth. It's not that bad. Well, I actually finally go, like, okay.

Ready? Let's go through brands. Buffalo Wild Wings or Hooters? Wild wings. you'd go for Hooters? Now, I'm going to tell you, I just think that... I haven't had either in a while. I've had Buffalo Wild Wings almost every weekend.

Oh, it's a weekend treat. Oh, I do it. I do it so often. It's fucking crazy. I have gone to Buffalo Wild Wings. The last time I went, and I was like, you know, they have all the, they're like, there's 30 different flavors. I'm like, I guess I'll get all 30. And then I realize, oh, I have 300 wings.

And it's way too much. Buffalo Wild Wings has... So Hooters lean. into like sex. Yeah. And then football was secondary, but it was sex, then you're supposed to like,

Google the chicks. And they were mid. The, I used to work it with a guy in post-production that I couldn't believe it. He was just like, yeah, there's,

I go to Hooters all the time. And I was like, oh, really? He's like, but like, one of the girls there likes me. And I was like, really?

He's like, yeah, she's always like happy to see me. And I was like, oh my God, this is so sad. Let's go together. I want to see this.

I remember going, We went to Hooters every Monday night in college. For Monday Night Football? What? For Monday Night Football? Monday night football and a scalp hunters meeting. Okay. Every Monday night we went to Hooters.

Every fucking Monday night. And I love Hooters. I love their breaded wings. Yeah. Their wings are breaded. Their shrimp poppers are amazing. Their grouper sandwich, one of the two best grouper sandwiches I've ever had in my life.

Seriously? I love a blackened grouper sandwich. sandwich. Did you go to Outback Steakhouse too? Fucking loved Outback Steakhouse. I used to go so much. Do you remember when the first time? Are they still around? Are they still around? Please say they're still around. Please say they're still around. But they have to have less locations, right? I feel like I don't see as nearly... Every since the Ozzy's kind of dropped off after fucking Crocodile-D-D

that was their big like shoe in the door was like crocodile-e. You don't call out of life and like, you're on a steak? Oh, if you're a steak, who had another shrimp on the bobby. There's so many people in America that believe that Outback Steak House is a direct representation of Australian lifestyle. Oh, yeah. Dude, do you remember? There's two dishes, two signature dishes that I remember seeing for the first time of my life. Oh, my God.

Hold on. I just remember, too, that eating myself sick on a blooming onion. The blooming onion. The fucking blue. The first time you saw a blooming onion. And then a while later, there was data about what it is calorically. And they're just like, you should just hang yourself if you're going to eat this. Pull it up.

A bloomin' on you. I love the cowl. Is a death bomb. I was like, I'm eating six a month. It's so bad for you. The night after I lost my virginity, I went, it's 800 calories. No, for the smaller portions, 1,900. That's a day's worth of eating.

Wait, what else? Is there more nutritional facts underneath that? If you hit that, yeah. 55 to 155 grams of fat. 1,300 milligrams of sodium. And you're like, but is it, is it bad? The night after I lost my virginity, oh my God.

I went to dinner with the girl I lost my virginity's parents. Yeah. We went to Outback Steakhouse. And I had never seen a bloomin onion before. And I ate an entire blooming onion. And I remember her dad going, you just ate an onion. Yeah, he said like an actual onion. Yeah.

You're like, I fucked your daughter last night, too. It's a pretty crazy week for me. I learned an important lesson, and I hope they can't sue me for this. I think of the statute of limitations probably run out. But in the 90s, probably like 96-97, I went to Outback Steakhouse. And I feel like it's kind of a life thing now. But if you're going to a steakhouse, you should stick to steak. Yeah.

And I went there and I got lobster. And I got a bacterial infection that took me down for over a week. and it was during the school year. I missed over a week of school. I called my history teacher because a paper was due. And I told him I was, and he hung up on me. He hung up on me. Because I think he thought I was just trying to buy time.

And when I showed up at school, like the whatever, like the week and a half later, I had lost like 17, 19 pounds. And he was like, oh, he was like, I guess you really were sick. I was like, yeah, man. And it was all from getting, see, shellfish whatever at a steakhouse. So now I never order that shit. It was traumatizing.

If you go to a steakhouse, get a fucking piece of meat. Yeah, yeah. Get a piece of meat. I can't eat steak right now. So what is going on? You're like, I can't have anything. I got a blood clot in my leg. I've gotten to my lungs.

Yeah. So I'm not drinking for six months. Six months? Yeah. We'll talk about later. The second dish I ever remember witnessing presented that leaves an indelible market. in my, my psyche.

Yeah. Is the first time I saw a fucking fajitas. You were like, I was like, this is what they're doing south of the border? 8 years old or 9 years old. Yeah. It was out of Benegans. Yeah.

And I heard coming out of the back like, what the fuck? Oh, he's a sizzling plate. And steam's coming everywhere. I was like, oh, fuck, something's on fire. And then they come around the corner. And I remember he came around my back. And I was like this.

And I looked at it and I went, what's that? And my uncle who had hung out of Benigans a lot was like, It's fajitas. And I was like, oh, my dad goes, you can fucking forget about it. You're not getting that shit. You're going to burn your goddamn face. My uncle who hung out at Benegans a lot. I hung out of Benegans a lot.

My uncles used to be fun alcoholics, and now they're just, now they're none of them drink. Really? None of them. How old are they? They're all like my mom's age, like 60s. My mom's 77 and it's probably 77 to probably 59. That's a big gap.

Yeah. Spread out. Yeah. I feel like, I feel like that. I don't know with all the fucking non-drinking I'm doing. I feel like I don't know. Yeah. I don't know fucking, who knows.

You know, the jury's out, Tom. They're like blood thinners. Some doctors say, absolutely you can't drink on them. And some people say you just can't drink on them. It's the thing to roll the dice on. Yeah, you never know what the fucking, they're going to say. I do you think it's funny. Like, how we, there's never anymore the unanimous verdict on anything health was.

I mean, even as something like, you know, like we've got. and peptides from these guys before. And I've gone from like, I start with one and maybe I go to another one. The other one's like, so you're doing it like three times a week, 30 units? And I'm like, no, he's like, what are you doing? I'm like, well, that doctor said he goes, oh, that's totally wrong. I'm like, so there's not like a consensus on this? Yeah.

Like, mm-mm, no. The best is I remember telling Joe about how much testosterone I was taking. Mm-hmm. He was like, the fuck? I was like, yeah, what do you take? He goes half of that? And I was like, huh? Really?

And he was like, what the fuck? Dude, that's, that's what I was told to take. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. By the same doctor. My, my, I think my testosterone and levels were like crazy low. But I don't know. You know, I don't know.

I'm on the road so fucking much that all I can do is trust that, do you know how many pills I'm on a day? Honestly, I'm on probably about 30 pills a day. Really? Motrin, Tylenol, blood thinners. It's all four Motrin, two Tylenol, two blood thinners. Blood pressure medicine, that's three with a blood thinnet, with a baby aspirin. I've got vitamins, right?

Milk thistle. I've got an AD plus. And, no, so I guess I'm on like 15, 16 pills a day. Oh, and then I've been out of subtle addiction to Benadryl. To wind down? Dude, Benadryl is better than Xanah's. Benadryl's pretty great. You sleep great, but you breathe amazing.

Breathe? Yeah? Oh, because it opens you. Yeah, it opens you up. You sleep like Darth Vader. You sleep with a mask? No. I wear just like a mask like this.

No, but not a breathing, not a CPAP? No, no. I thought you had a CPAP. No, I don't believe in it. No, I don't believe in it. I don't believe in it. I don't believe in it. I know, I understand.

I just... I've never heard anyone describe it as a belief system. Yeah, I don't believe in it. No, okay. That's okay. Now, I know I'm a fucking idiot, okay? I get it. Let's walk it backwards. Okay. Imagine 20 years ago someone said to you, you know, big pharma is out to kill us.

You'd be like, you mean my doctor is out to kill me. Yeah. And then it comes out and you're like, oh, your doctor gets a kickback based on what pills he subscribes. Right. Prescribes. And you're like, wait, they didn't need to give me oxy cotton. My uncle didn't need to get oxy cotton from falling at work. Those are amazing.

But that's what they did is they did that. Now, there is a. Sleep apnea machine is amazingly expensive. It's a machine. It's more than a pill. Yeah, for sure. And there's a huge upcharge. And so I believe it is in the benefit of the doctor's case to say, you need a sleep apnea machine.

Let me send you to my sleep study guy. He gets kicked back from the sleep study guy who, no sleep study guy. I would just please tell me if you've ever got a sleep study and they go, actually, you're not that bad. You don't need one. Never has a sleep study guy said, no, no, no, no, you're perfect. To play devil's advocate, I have seen one time, Leanne. posted a video of you. Okay.

I might have sleep apnea. But I just, I go, I haven't died yet. Oh. I sleep really good. You do sleep really good? I sleep fucking 98% on my, on my whoop. How many hours do you normally sleep? About 9 to 10.

Seriously? Dead sleep. Damn. Dead sleep. Dead sleep. I'd be going to sleep so early because I'm not partying. So I go to sleep so fucking early. If I'm on the road, dude, if I'm on the road, I go to sleep at like, I get off stage at

9.30. We all hang out bullshit until 11. Bus calls at midnight. We all get on the bus early. I get in my bunk, I get in my bed early and I sleep dead until like, I'll sleep 12 hours on the road. Yeah. Really? I sleep

incredibly. And if you put me on a Benadryl, I'm jealous. That's amazing. Dude. That is amazing. Oh, you expired Benadryl. Nice. I don't give a fuck. Dude, Oxis, I took an oxy. the only

did you take those blue pills I gave you yeah yeah yeah were they what we thought we were yeah they work yeah they're not dick pills I know that sounds like it but but they're even better the uh the only thing the oxies I don't shit for like

two three days that's the big thing about opiates uh who who was who was the one who was the one who's fucking colon rupture Matthew, Matthew, the guy from Perry? Matthew Perry ruptured his colon from shit.

Oh my God. Google Matthew Perry ruptured colon because he was taking so many pain pills. He couldn't shit and they couldn't get it out of him and it ruptured his colon and exploded inside of him, gave him sepsis. That's why he died? No, he died in the fucking hot tub. Oh, my God. Did he die in 2018? It's that long ago?

Oh, nearly died in 2018. after his colon burst. Oh my God. Dude, that's why you stay away from fucking pain pills. I know. I don't have him anymore. I haven't asked for anymore. But shit.

That's horrible. I get it. When I was in the hospital and they were giving me like the real stuff, I didn't shit for a week. And they were like, do you want to try? Do you want us to give you like a, what is it? suppository today or do you want to wait a few days and you just see if it happens i was like let's start today it's been a week let's start today yeah yeah and then yeah then yeah then sludge just

kind of came out of me but it's it backs me up completely really yeah yeah yeah yeah's my shit's on manjaro or just really it's it's i sit down in the toilet i give it a little push how much are you down right now i'm 235 you've been melting away yeah well it's i don't think it's healthy like i'm not i don't feel good like like I mean, I'm not, I'm not a spokesman from Injaro. I'm really not. Yeah. It works.

But like, I think most people, like, I had a friend that I hosted New Year's Eve with. I won't you to say his name, but I don't want to out him. Do the leg work and you'll figure it out. And he was like, yeah, I tried that shit. He goes, I felt like I had a low-grade flu. I go, yeah. He goes, I don't like that. I think that's the way the pill works.

He was like, you feel sick? And I go, yeah, you feel like you have cancer. And he was like, and he goes, you like that? And I go, no, I fucking hate it. So how long will you stay on it? I guess forever I'll just feel like I'm sick. I don't know. I mean, we put, at January 1st, we put my goal weight of, like, you know, trainer looks at it and he's like, 220 pounds.

And I'm like 15 pounds away from it. And we're right around the corner. And he's like, okay, hold on. This is by the end of the year. We got to slow down. He's like, are you eating? And I was like, no. And he was like, like, like, the only things I can eat, this is going to sound so fucking ridiculous.

The only things I can eat are these protein shakes, right? I drink one of those a day and then I can Italian subs and donuts donuts are good this upcoming segment is brought to you by Pepsi did you see the Super Bowl

do you know that every year I tell myself that like you know I think I'm over like the big ad thing of it all and it's the only reason I watch Super Bowl and then I'm turned into somebody who goes like I'll be like oh it's it's commercial I know it's like some

crazy commercial, but I'm just going to dip out. And then I just start walking out of the room and I'm like, this is a pretty rad commercial. Can I tell you what's crazy? So Ila and all her friends are in art school. Yeah. And they watch the Super Bowl. They watch it just for the ads. So many people do. And every time it happens, I'm like, really? You just watch it for the ads. And then you're like, I'm mesmerized by this. I know. Ila called me. First of all, Isla has been the mainstay of Pepsi in our family. Really? Oh, that's why I think she's most like Donnell and Red Grant.

That's the zero sugar one. This is zero sugar. Yeah, well, I got to do zero sugar. And, you know, I don't know if it's that conversation we have with Donnell. That was a main, that was fascinating. That was the most fascinating, insightful commercial or a conversation with Donnell. But Ila, when I told her about that conversation, she goes, it's got more flavor. It's got way more flavor, dad.

It's got way more flavor. It's so much more enjoyable. How is that? That's the zero sugar. This is the zero sugar. It's fucking awesome. It's absolutely, dude,

let me tell you something. As a guy, not drinking right now, right? Yeah. I'm on the wagon. When I get on a plane and I'm going to sip on something, I'm keeping it.

That's okay. I got another one. Fine. I got, when I got on a plane, I'm going to sip something. Yeah. Always die Pepsi.

Pepsi's zero, really. But do Pepsi zero sugar? Do you throw a sugar if they don't have it? No. I like to do that. You know, you can throw a fit if you're not drinking. You can give a maditude if you're not drinking. Like if you go, do you guys have Pepsi Zero sugar?

And they're like, no. And then you go, never mind then. And they're like, can I get something else? I go, I guess I'm not drinking today. How about a cup of ice and I'll throw it at you? Try that with a beer. Do you have a beer? No, we're not serving.

Then you're not drinking. And then you're an ad, your problem? Yeah. Yeah, but I, I like, I called me. She goes, I told you. I told you. You see that commercial dad? And I go, yes, I did.

She goes, dad, I told you. And then I showed up today to work and the fridge was stacked with them. And I was like, I was like, Kyle, did you get Pepsi Zero Sugar? She goes, I did. She goes, did you get a call from Ayla? I go, did Ila call you? Isla the biggest Pepsi Zero Sugar fan in the fucking world. Pepsi is Isla's brand.

And she doesn't live in Pepsi country. Yeah. I can't tell everyone where she lives, but she does not live in Pepsi country. She doesn't. She is an outlier. She's like driving a Ford. truck in Texas. Isn't that crazy that there's parts of this country that people subscribe to certain things?

I know. And I'll say this, whatever part. That does taste better than Coke Zero. It does. It tastes better. Do you remember the Pepsi Challenge in the 80s? Do you remember that? Of course.

That was amazing how branding was so simple. Was it because there wasn't that many. it was all about the TV spot. That's the thing. That was the only thing that mattered was the TV spot. And then now Super Bowl, they're laying into, like, it was pretty direct what they were doing, which is pretty cool. But I also love, I love when the big companies that compete go at each other. It's fun.

I love when big brands go at it with each other. I do too. I love it and I want more of it. I love it. And I love it when, and I mean this for real, when the social. called underdog takes a shot at the big dog that's you respect it if they take it if they take a like a swing that is that really goes for it yeah that is like the most fun thing to to watch a lot of things are uncertain but the one thing i'm certain about is that when i pass my girls are taken care of

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That's Shopify.com slash bears. Acha-ching. Can I tell you something? Yeah. I know we're not spending a lot of time around each other now, right? Right. We're both very busy, a lot of stuff going on. Yeah.

I understand that. You've got a croissant shop. You've got a new series you're in production for. Your schedule, your dance card's crazy. I won't, I'll just tell you I have a crazy schedule also, but I also purchased a donut shop. You purchased a donut shop? Yeah, because that's what keeping up with the Jones is. Wait, because I have a bag.

Because you have a carnaissance shop. I bought a donut shop. shop. Where is it? I'm going to tell you. Why? Because it's, well, it's right around the corner. Okay. I thought they were Vietnamese and Sandra went and talked to them. Turns out they're Cambodian. Okay. But were the sales pending. Uh, they make, here's a deal. The donuts are fucking average, but they make the best fucking Cambodian sandwiches. This is your pitch to your fans. Look, the donuts, look, donuts in LA suck. Okay. Really? A hundred percent. I'll tell you why.

guy named Mr. Donut came into L.A. in like the 70s, right? Yeah. He's like Mr. Chang from the hangover. Is that right? Can you Google him, Mr. Donut? I remember that Woodland Hills place that was so good. So this is my goal. Okay.

Okay. So Mr. Donut, Los Angeles. Is that his name? No, that's Mr. Donut. What's the donut man? Can you just find, there's a documentary on a Vietnamese guy or an Asian guy who came to L.A. in the 80s. And what he did is he decided he'd start opening donuts.

shops. I watched the documentary. It's pretty fascinating. Yeah. But he was like rings and like fancy suits and uh and he's a Japanese guy. And so I'll just tell you the story and it may not be right. Okay. So he comes to L.A. and he just starts buying up little areas that are going to make great donut shops and then going back to his home country and saying, hey, I can bring you to this country. I can get you a work fee so I can get you all of it. But you got to work in my donut shop. And I'll let you buy into my donut shop. I'm going to own the space, but you can buy it. You can franchise out. And then he said, I'm going to build the factory. that does all the cream fillings, all the jelly fillings, all the glazing.

This guy. Yeah. Ted Nyo. Sandra, how do you say that? It's Ted Nye. Ted. Noi. Yeah. And so he then, so he is the reason that all of our donuts in Los Angeles are kind of average.

Because he supplies all the goods to all the donut shops. All the donut shops, it's so easy for them just to get the average filling. So if you go to Dunkin' Donk and Donuts, The fill the raspberry filling is textured. It's a jelly. It's not a jam. It's a jelly. It's like textured and and because that is the donut that Duncan donuts that's the ingredients they send out. He is in charge of all the donuts in LA. So I all the donuts in LA. So I think, all the donuts in LA. Without question. The mom and pop shops you see off to the side. They have their own. They have like the niche ones. So I think here's what I think, right? I go, you

open a croissant shop. I go, I got it I got to do something. I got to you. You're so funny. But it's the fun of the game for me. It's not about fucking making money. It's about fucking having fun with it. So I said to Sandra, I got this place. I think there's a couple, so I'll just say it. USA donut. Blip it out if we need to.

It's right around the corner. And I like the ladies at work there, right? But what's more important, their attention to detail on breakfast sandwiches and afternoon sandwiches? Mniquitous. Is through the fucking roof. You go to get one of their, just an average club sandwich.

And it, like, they, their pickles are, are carved like vs in the center because their attention to detail because they're Asian is so perfect. Just because they're Asian. It is because they don't fucking slack. Asians take shit seriously. Yeah, yeah. So then I go in and I talk to them a little bit. I was like, oh cool, they're Vietnamese.

I sent Sandra in. Sanders like they're not. They're Cambodian. I was like, is there a difference? She goes a huge fucking difference. They tried to kill my people and I was like, what? She was like, I don't know. I got to fuck them.

And then she starts yelling at them. And I go, all right, here's the deal. I want to buy the shop, right? I want to put my name up there. I want to be a part owner with them. Because they, right? Part owner with them. More importantly, I don't want to change a fucking thing except for the donuts.

I want to find a supplier that makes great donuts. So we upgrade the donuts. Keep the sandwiches where they are. Upgrade the donuts and make high-end fucking donuts at a low price, right? Yeah. And they look authentic. Like I know you brought that guy that's like Italian or something in. Yeah.

I'm going to tell everyone I brought these Vietnamese or Cambodian ladies in from Cambodia. They're donut makers. That's where all, you know, because the French took over Cambodia or is it Vietnam? It doesn't matter. We're going to just tell people they're Vietnamese. I think it's easier that way. Yeah. The story's a little more than you.

They'll probably like it. Yeah. So, yeah, it's right around the shop corner. I should have gotten you a sandwich so you could taste one. And you're going to call it like Burtz. I may keep it at USA donuts for a little bit, you know, and then pop out with. So you're like, I'm buying this, but you guys are partners. That's kind of thing.

We haven't worked it out. English isn't great. But there's a sale pen. I was really hoping there was a, there's a. Right. now, okay, let me tell you where we're at logistically right now. Right now we're at, you can be the spokesman for our donut shop. And then we'll give you free donuts. That's where we're at right now. We'll remember, I got to tell you this, bro, I fucking love donuts. Dude, I love

donuts. I love great donuts. Okay, we're talking about brands. Yeah. Let's talk about the best donut brands. Now, okay. Okay. See, because I, for me, I, I remember living Woodland Hills and I think it's Wenschels and I loved their donuts. I loved their donuts. And then there's voodoo, which does like these really like elaborate creative ones. Voodoo. I've had some really good donuts from there. Can I give Voodoo a note?

Just one note. Yeah. Can you go half as big on your donuts? Because one of your donuts is a meal for me. And I want to have a couple different donuts. Is this Manjaro speaking or Bert? This is Bert. Because like I could fuck up their donuts, but one donut.

It's got like a piece of bacon and a pretzel. Yeah, there's a lot of shit on some of them. And I was like, and the one guy with the guy with the stick in his heart, you know, they're awesome. I just, if you. I know, I don't go to a donut shop to get one donut. I want to get 12. I want to eat 12. Yeah.

And you can't eat 12 voodoo donuts. And they're great donuts. There might be best donuts out there. Chain wise, chain wise. By the way, there's one great donut shop right where Georgia used to go to school. Yeah. Right by your old house. Yeah.

It wasn't Winchels. It was. But it was Korean? Were there Koreans there? No, no, they're white. Really? Yeah, they're whites. Whites?

Yeah. Okay, what's better? Dunkin' Donuts? Crispy cream. Okay. So for me, crispy cream is just about one donut. It's about just their signature donut.

Whereas, like, you know, the, the crispy cream. Hot now. Hot now. That, whatever. It's a glazed. Yeah. That's how I think of crispy cream. Dunkin Donuts for me is about a little more variety.

So it's like if you're digging that crispy cream glazed classic donut, let me get a dozen classics, then you go there. I do find that in my mind, I'm like, I'm going to eat six of these. And if I have a Krispy Cream one, I'm like, this is so sweet that it takes me down. So saying one or the other, it really becomes about what you're in the mood for, You know what I mean? Like that hot and ready thing is pretty crazy though. So I was,

I was, because- Basil hate Duncan coffee. So many people love it. I hate it. That's the exact opposite. I was going to say the exact fucking opposite. I hate it. I grew up in Tampa.

Krispy Cream was our donut. That was like, we had a Krispy Cream there. I remember what Krisp. Really? Is that a, but is that a California thing? It's a Southern thing. Kris cream is? Kris cream.

Where does the, yeah, what's the headquarters? Or where did it first like? By the way, if any of these brands want to work with us, We are willing. I know we're not putting out as many of the episodes, but we'll put out more of Krispy Kreme comes out. North Carolina is our headquarters.

That is their headquarters? Is that where it started? Early years. Hold on. In Kentucky? Yeah. Well, they had a small store in Kentucky. And then they moved to Nashville.

And open his own store in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. I had no idea. The first Kris cream opened in Ohio. In Akron, Ohio. The growth. Expansion occurred, opening it in Savannah, in the southeast. So it is like a southeastern thing. I had no idea.

Dude, we used to get Krispy Cream in Tampa. I wish I could remember anyone from the Jersey Shore would remember one place where you got donuts as kids where they made them there. Yeah. And all they made was cinnamon sugar. And it was, it was, I wish I remember the fucking name of this place. And they were cinnamon sugar. And they just made them for you.

You go, like a dozen notice. And then they'd make a dozen notice for you. Dip them in the oil. sugar them, and then they put them in a brown bag. And by the time you got back to the beach house, we were kids, we were really little kids. The bag was wet with grease. Dude, I remember I have such a vivid memory of the first time I hung out with you was at the beach house in Tampa.

You had to get up to do press and you came back and you brought donuts. I don't remember where they were from. It's the greatest thing to show up in the morning with. Yeah. Owners use of forced labor in Nazi Germany. Owning the controlling sake of Krispy Kreme as well as. insomnia cookies and pret-to-manger, one of the wealthiest fames in Germany, admitted in 2019 that they profited from forced labor during World War II. New York Times reported the two

men who ran the family business in the 30s and 40s. Albert Ryman Sr. and his son, Albert Jr., actively participated in the abuse of their workers. That's pretty cool. That's a kind of a cool thing. I think I want to check out Krispy Kreme today. Yeah. That's neat. So I was Chris I love Hisprey. I was a rider die for Krispy Kreme, always. And when they moved to the, I remember when they open in New York, there'll be lines. The fucking, the guy donated to the SS. That's a crazy detail. Jesus. I would love some Krispy Kreme Nazi memorabilia.

That would be pretty cool. Like crispy, but it's like, it's like the swastika. Yeah, yeah. That's pretty cool. SS, Krispi. I guess we lost that, lost that corporate sponsor. But I was a rider dive for Krispy K. Look at the Krispy KeeM Club.

Oh my God. KKK Wednesdays. Check out the Boston Globe published an article says, I found out Nazi money is behind my favorite coffee. Should I keep drinking it? How did Krispy Kreme turn into this fucking? KKK Wednesdays is nuts. That's pretty cool.

I was a Krispy Kramer Rider die. I remember when they opened in New York in like in like 29, 98, there was a line down the street to get Krispy Kreme donuts. Everyone was losing in mind. And by the way, this is during the Atkins phase. when everyone was doing atkins diet yeah and eggs bacon steaks burgers yeah and i was rider d'i for crisp cream and then when i started touring i toured the northeast and i fell in love with the way boston people like new new hamps new england people yeah but are rider die for duncan they love it

yo duncan's kid you're getting dunc yeah they love it and and the and the casey afleck videos his videos of SNL, we're fucking, have you ever seen those? Yeah, I've seen. They're so fucking funny. And then I went and I was at Tallahassee. And I was first time back in Tallahassee. And I was like up early, I didn't give a fuck about diet at all then. And I was like, I need something.

I'm hungry. And Tallahassee had a Dunkin' Donuts. And I was like, you know what? I'm going to get a couple Dunkin' Donuts. And I'm going to get a coffee and I fell in love with their fucking coffee. Big iced coffee. Come on. I never liked.

I always thought they put way too much milk. And then I'd go, hey, can I just get a little. bit of milk and they'd be like you mean like a quart or something and I'm like no just fucking just dash it and I just I never was a fan what I got to stop I'm in I'm in Austin in a couple days I got it you're not there I got to go into uh Chi Chi-Pombo you have to I have to and you got to you got to get everything dude I'm gonna fucking make it rain and well those just set you up this episode is sponsored by better help February is full of flowers candy stuffed animals and of course, lots of talks about relationships and dating.

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I think I was going twice a week. And I was like, there's one thing that's consistent in every relationship I have. Two things, really. Number one, they all were horrible. And number two, I went in every single one of them. And I started focusing on me, in therapy, in the gym. In the gym. I remember my therapist said, you should get in the best shape you can get in

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forward slash bears rules and restrictions may apply. Did you ever get my Christmas present? You haven't been home, have you? I haven't been home. Fuck. Did we send it? I got a Sarah. Really?

Yeah. Yeah. No one's told you about it? No. Okay. Pretty cool? I think so. I would love to find out.

Do we want to tell you what it is? It's for the office, really. Sure. It's, can you just pull it up? Do you guys know what it is? Do you ever go to the casino and you see the place where you drop the quarter in and it falls in and then it pushes all the quarters off the ledge? Yeah. I got you one of those. Really? Yeah. That's pretty cool. It's the office. How much fun is that? That's really fun. Yeah, right? I mean, yeah, now they're definitely not going to work. Yeah. I was like, how much fun of those? Wouldn't it be great to have one in your house? And then I was like, coin pusher. Yeah.

That's rad. Do you know what I got for me? What? A claw machine. With the, Yeah. My boys are obsessed. Ellis is good at it.

Oh, for real? I went to, I've been to multiple arcades where we're in the arcade and you kind of like, you know, I'm going to go play this one. And like 20 minutes later, I run into Ellis and he has like six things. He's like, yeah, I got this from the claw machine. I'm like, how the fuck?

And I've watched him do it. He's good. Dude, uh, I got a claw machine. And what I was going to do, I'm not home. I haven't been home in fucking forever. So I haven't. had time to set it up.

And I've, I mean, I think this is everyone's hyperware. Both of us are cutting back on everything a little bit because our schedules are crazy. And I apologize, we will step it back up when we get a chance. But right now, it's just not feasible. Listen, we have a huge announcement. And I want to say this while you're listening. Yes. Saturday, May 9th at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena, California during Netflix as a joke festival,

me, Tom, and speaking of donuts, jelly roll will be doing the five case. Two bears 5K. Two bears 5K. It's back. This is the third year in a row, right? Yes, third year in a row. It's on a Saturday. Which means you can come.

Poor Oshos will be there. There's going to be activations. There's going to be vendors. We're going to announce all that. All levels are welcome to run in it. Jelly rolls down, I think, 375 pounds or something. And if I'm not mistaken, I think he said the next two bears 5k is that. He's taking his shirt off.

He did say that. He said that last at the last one. And he looks great. He should be your inspiration. The first time we did it in Pasadena, the two bears 5K was Jelly's first 5K. We crossed the line, me, him, Leanne, and Bunny. And he was crying. And he said, this is the change I needed.

I need you to hear this if you're overweight. This is the change I needed. And Bunny looked at me and gave me a hug. And she goes, you might have just saved his life. From that day to today, you look at how his life, he has lost two whole humans. It's crazy. And that if you are overweight and you're in the California, if you're married to someone overweight and you're in the California area,

anywhere, fucking Rancho Cucamonga, make the drive in that Saturday and challenge yourself. Start training right now. Challenge yourself to get ready. Start with walks, dude. Start with walks. And by the way, walk it. If Jelly sees you, he'll dab you up and give you some love.

Tom's going to have his headsets on. He's looking for a personal best. You're running it twice this year, I heard. And I am going to try to I don't know what my goal time is yet I have to figure it out I'm obviously trying to beat my previous times but yeah I am trying to do a personal best

I heard and I'm not saying I won't speak for him I heard jelly roll's running it twice I'm running it twice Tom's running it twice fine it's gonna be fucking great but the first one we're gonna go for it right yeah oh we're going for the early one

By the way I'm not even fucking around Jellyroll's running a faster 5K than I am right now really He is. His thing is, his mind over matter. He gets on there and starts running. He feels no pain. He feels no suffering. He just pushes it. He just goes hard as fucking. By the way, no shit. His legs are much stronger than mine. And I think he's lighter than I was when I was at my fattest. He's like 260. I was 260. He's lighter than I am. That's incredible. It is. It is. I was 270. It is. actually the coolest thing too is like it you really feel a sense of community at this thing. And I was, I didn't know that that was going to happen. But you really feel the energy of everybody there. And everybody's so just like positive and happy to be there.

I tried to make a joke before we ran the Tampa one. I was like, why the fuck are we here? You know? Yeah. Can't believe we got up early to do this. And everybody was like, huh? I was like, oh, okay, just kidding. Like, let's go run.

Yeah. Like people are so. enthusiastic and positive, and you feel it when you're doing it. And if you're like, I'm going to get stuck behind, I'm going to struggle. Having a community with you, it helps you run through this thing, man. It really does. You'd be shocked how much faster you run when you're running. And I tell you, this is the key. Always find a great chick's ass to run right behind. Yeah. And it's, and it makes it so enjoyable. Yeah. So I did it with Leanne next to me last year. And I was like, look at her ass. It's perfect. Yeah. And it's like, what about mine? I was like, well, that's what they got behind you?

Yeah. That's why he's slowing down or speeding up. You get more info at 2 Bears 5K.com. Sign up. Challenge yourself. Challenge yourself. Get yourself healthy. It's really fun, man.

We should also say that in addition to, like just to let people know, the activations are super fun. There's always like games and there's recovery people there and there's music and there's drinks and there's food. Like it's a fun event. It's not just run. It's a whole event that is a blast to be at. And I will say this.

And I'm backtracking a little bit. I know that you probably maybe heard me talk about this when I was in the hospital and I got the blood clot. And they rolled me and they said, you have a blood clot in your leg. Let's hope it's not in your lungs. But they go, it's probably not. And I said that.

It's probably not. And when they rolled me from room four past 30 rooms to get me to the CAT scan, I looked, and I want you to hear this because it's very important. I looked at everyone. I rolled past and I went, thank God I'm not them.

In my head. Thank God I'm not them. And then they put me in the CAT scan. guy said, are you allergic to iodine? I said, I don't know. I goes, there way to test it. And he goes, well, no. I said, what if I am?

He goes, you go into anaphylactic shock? And I go, can't you like pinprick my fucking pinky and put a little iodine on it and find out? And he's like, no, you're going to feel a warmness in your throat. And you're going to feel like you're pissing your pants. Let's go. Puts me in, arms up. And then they stop the cat scan halfway through. And he looks at me and he goes, are you having a heart attack right now?

And I said, I don't think I am. And he goes, your blood pressures through the roof. Your heart rate is skyrocketed. he goes, I think you're having a heart attack. We can't get a clear vision on the CAT scan. And I went, and I start thinking, am I having, I go, I don't have any symptoms. I've got this warmness in my throat. And I feel like I can see iodine.

And then I go, I know, but I'm having a fucking panic attack. And he goes, okay, well, we need you to relax. I go, that's not going to fucking happen. And then, and then they put me back. They finish it. And they, they, they, doctor calls. And he's like, he's not having a heart attack. His heart's clear, but he's got blood clot.

in his lungs. And the guy just goes, yeah, you got blood clots in your lungs. And I went, and I need you to hear this because we all right now go, thank God that's not me. That's what is important about this 5K. Thank God that's not me. You look at people fatter. I did that all the time. I look at people fatter and go, oh, thank God that's not me. You see, there's a woman I follow who has like a major fupa and cooks breakfast for her kids every morning. And I go, oh, thank God that's not me. That's what we all do. And I'll tell you, on my ride back on my gurney, back to my room, I had a very different perspective. And I thought, everyone, when I looked at, they're not looking at me going, thank God, that's not me. He was just having a

heart attack in the fucking cat scan, and he's got blood cuts on his legs and his lungs. How do you treat that? What do you have to do? Blood thinners. And I'll tell you right now, your health is very precious. Yeah. And it's a perspective shift you need to have. And stop. I did it. You know I did it. You know my lifestyle. You know that I always said, thank God that's not me. I work out every morning. I fucking drink a lot of water. I'm the fucking guy. Until one day, when I was getting rolled back, I saw a guy that looked just like me, just like me, except he had shoes on. That's it. And I gave him a thumbs up, like, hoping that we connect.

Like, it's going to be okay. And he looked at me and just shook his head, no. And I went, oh, fuck, man. This is, this is reality right now. I am a guy whose blood pressure, my blood pressure, Tom, obviously, with a panic attack and my leg throbbing in a lot of pain, was like 175. over 110. And they're like, it's because you're in a lot of pain. I mean, the pain was insurmountable.

Where was the pain? In my whole leg, my whole leg, below the blood clot. And it was throbbing like crazy. Like crazy if people go like, I don't know, maybe I have a blood clot. No, you know. You absolutely go, I have a blood clot. It's in my leg. It's killing.

I still can barely use two of my toes. And so, but that's my, my, I'm hoping that if you're thinking, about not doing the 5K, you hear this story and you go, I don't want to be the guy on the gurney that they roll in to the cat scan. I don't want to be the guy in the gurney. I don't want to be the guy. You know what I thought about is when we brought you in for your arm and your leg. And they put the cuff on you and they're like blood pressure 120 over 80. It's perfect. I thought, wow, I wish I was that guy, but I'm not. I'm really not. Well, I'll also say that like if you do pass away the 5k will be a celebration of your life oh fuck me in memoriam yeah we'll do a crazy

eulogy at that and it will be your face will be everywhere thank you yeah oh fucking porosos will fucking skyrocket it'll be awesome you know you can go public with porososos tomorrow if i die you think so oh 100% be a good story do you know what do you do you know i wonder do i can't even think about death anymore i can't think about it no What did I, what else did I write down? Why don't I write fatty's eating? Fatty's eating? Oh, that's all I watch on Instagram.

Whenever I'm on Instagram and I see like a sad, really overweight person in their kitchen and they're making some boxed food, I'll be like, oh, I'll send this to Bert. Maybe they have a patch on their eye. Yeah. That girl with a patch on her eye. Oh, my God. It was so fucking good. And I'm like, Bert's like, oh, this is awesome. I don't know why I like it

I really tried to quantify it I should be I should bring it up in therapy I want to like because I what I identify with which I think is interesting is you know

everyone pretends like I've been around a lot of people like I don't care about fame you know yeah and then you're like you're like okay and then if someone's famous there they're like holy shit

who is that dude the guy from third rock from the sun's here and you're like okay did you watch that show you're like no you go i saw like a couple times in college dude he's sitting right there and you're like i thought you didn't care about fame but that's different yeah and you're like so i always find that interesting and what what instagram is given is everyone a platform and and it i don't i really don't think everyone wants to be famous i really don't no but man there's a lot more than you thought yeah and i think there was a shallowness that we got associated with when they're

like you know look at me just wants to be famous You know, Ari Shafir is like one of the worst at this is he pretends he doesn't care about being famous. Yeah. Yet he shits on a stage to get attention, right? But if you say, if I said, I was hanging out with Bradley Cooper, he goes, name drop. Why would you do that? Name drop. And you're like, stop.

You're in the same business I am. You do the same thing I do. You do it the same way I do it. You do everything I do. And by the way, I've been with you when a celebrity walks by and you're like, oh shit, it's fucking. And he's a big crispy-free-green guy, which is kind of ironic. Dude, I've not heard from him in a fucking minute. Because he's like in the Amazon or some shit.

It's interesting. You think we wouldn't know if he died. Not for a while. Eventually we'd find out. But yeah, not right away. He could be lost in the jungle right now. And we're just living our lives. Yeah, he loves that shit.

He owns plugs for months. Soft pitch. How much would you fund an expedition to track down Ari. Two of our listeners, two of our listeners, two guys. We'll fund it. They do all the research. You got to be out of work.

You got to be out of work. You got to have nothing to do. We'll fund it. We're going to pay your rent for while you're gone. But we're going to have you go to track down Ari and just recognize him and ask for a picture. I would. But it's got to be that we really truly have no, like if somebody actually is like, oh, I know he's in Ecuador.

Yeah. Then it's not as fun. It's not as fun. But it would be fun. You'll get a lot of volunteers for this, man. Yeah. Yeah. And go, just all we need to do is track down Ari and just.

So you just need, you haven't responded to this email. Yeah. Just be like, hey, Bert texted you and you didn't respond. Yeah. That's all. Hey, he wants you to respond. And then just take off. Then leave.

And hand him a phone and go get back online. Yeah. Fucking guy. I know. He's done this multiple times. We're like, where are you? He's just like. He likes.

it in southeast Asia he's he likes it and this is what I I mean obviously everyone knows I love Ari this what I do respect about Ari is he's not he's doing it for intrinsic value he's not doing it I mean I'm certain there's a part of him that does it and I he'll lie about this but there's a part of him that does it for the grand standing up I'm offline I'm disappearing this is who I am I'm different than you guys he's the part of him that's that he's the biggest advocate in the people that we know of put your phones down Yeah. He really lives by it.

He does. Well, he started saying that after the Kobe thing. But the, uh, he was like, guys, you're getting off line is really dangerous out there. No, but he really does it. Like, there's a part of him that does it, I think. And I think this is a curious thing. There's a performative part of it where he says, I'm going to disappear for nine months. No one will see me.

Right? Yeah. But then that, but then it's also very real is that he's doing it for intrinsic value. He's doing it to really get off the grid and be present and live his life and not think about social media and not think about his career and not think of there you can't deny that despite the fact there is a performativeness of it that it is done for intrinsic value oh yeah yeah that he does yes i think he does it just to better himself and remove himself from the chaos of the the western world and the the ladder climbing capitalistic bullshit that everybody's in yeah i think he does it for

that really does and tries to enrich himself he was um did ever tell you about the time me and him hung out with Tracy Morgan. I hung out with him one time. Dude, he is, he is, Tracy Morgan is, just pure comedy. Like, he's pure personality. It's pure comedy. And you know what?

When you think about like, there's levels of like, when you look at black comics, and I'm just saying black comics, because that scene was a scene. Yeah. When I started in the 90s, that scene was a scene.

There are, there are dudes that are naturally funny, Like offstage, on stage, naturally funny. And then there's guys that are not naturally funny, but they're very, very funny. Yeah. They're on stage. They're very funny. Like, I don't think, I don't think, uh, like anyone's ever going to say, Mikeaps is the funniest

fucking dude. You see him. And when you talk to him, he's just fucking. He's hilarious. Dude, he's hysterical. Mike Epps has been hilarious. Hilarious since day one. And his energy is kind of, it's got a little pimpness to it.

Yeah, he used to fucking deal drugs and shit too, yeah. Mike Epps is one, he was another guy that I knew in New York and I didn't know if he knew me. I never remembered me. And I ran into him one time. I was like, Mike Epps is Burke Kreisner. And he's like, Bertie Burt. And I was like, I don't know what it was. Like him and Cat Williams was the other one that I was like, I didn't know who he knew.

I don't know why it was important that if they knew who I was. I think it's just respected from your peers. Well, yeah, but also black approval just feels so good. It does. Yeah. It does. Why? It just does, dude.

John Mullaney came up to me. He's like, I like your last special, and I was like, well, you don't fuck off. No, I didn't say that. He didn't say that either. Okay. I don't think John Mullaney and I would have anything to talk about. I don't know.

I don't read. He does read. A lot. Like 600-page books. I mean, that's not probably the only thing you could talk about with John. I'd have more to talk about John Stewart than John Maloney. I would have I would have I mean I would okay I would have more to talk about with Jerry Seinfeld than Tomlaney I take that back I'd have zero to talk about Jerry

Seinfeld I don't think Jerry Seinfeld and I think I think he'd do a lot of this me huh he's like the shirt really the shirt's off he called one one time someone someone called me yeah he just got a call from Jerry Seinfeld about you I was like what about he was like he asked what's your what's your deal I was like cool I was like What did you say? And I was like, I said you're a great guy. And like, but Jerry Seinfeld just called me about you. That's pretty crazy.

Yeah. He didn't call me. He could have called me and asked me about me. I would have been like, hey, Jerry, big fan. Yeah. Whatever. That might still happen. I don't think so.

You don't know that. He said my name right when he introduced me on stage one time. What? Where? Chris. Where? The store. Where?

What if he loves free Bert? I don't think he will. I'm almost certainly he won't. Okay. I think he's a, I think he's a, I think. I think, you know, it's it, I think it would be hard to like any sitcom once you had done it perfect. Well, that, yeah. You know what I mean?

Like, it's like, like, I look at young comics who post clips online and I go, uh-huh, yep. Got it. Okay. We all went through that material. Oh, yeah. Good call. No, but it's like, it's hard because you're like, once you've done comedy for 25 years, you're like, no, I understand. We all experienced that at one point.

And it's like when a lot of new dads will do like new dad material. Yeah, you're like, I've been there. But the authentic thing about what I love about, what you're doing is you're telling stories about the actual child. Yeah. And you're creating a character. When you, look, I hackily, I did a pregnancy joke about when Leanne gave birth. Every, I heard fucking radio guys tell the same fucking bit. Yeah.

And I was like, ooh. I was like, yeah. But in the moment, you're like, oh, I'm experienced this. I have a take on this? Do you remember when you call me one time? You're like, have you ever been on a cruise? And I was like, oh my God. You want to get it?

I think it's in this circumstance, it's fine. You've had some health issues. Interesting. You're not going to answer it. The guy who might be like, no. No. Okay. My blood pressure this morning was 75 over 53.

That's very low. Super low. Oh, yeah. I was almost passed out. It was after my workout. Do you ever stand up and almost pass out? Yeah. With all the beds I'm on,

15 meds? Yeah, every now. Oh, I didn't mention testosterone, injaro, BPP, 157, NSR-R-33.

Yeah. No, I pass out. I'm a fucking, my chemical romance. I am just chemicals right now. Except for the one I like alcohol and coffee.

No coffee? No coffee, no alcohol. No marijuana. No nothing. No coffee's a big bummer. Buddy. I sneak it.

I don't tell anyone. That's that yeah that's what they say to do That's coffee? No, I put a shot of espresso in there I can't in what in my shake I don't tell I am oh I baked a shot of espresso and I just poured in there and I don't tell anyone she's listening downstairs she's not listening Okay, it's like when you ever you ever I know I can't have hot sauce but then sometimes I'll accidentally spill it on my plate and go oh my god what the fuck's that I'll just stop it up with this

Why can you have hot sauce because I have violent diarrhea and I get sick? Yeah, yeah But then I go I don't know why I still have hot sauce. If I still put it on and I know that I'm going to be sick. I know I'm going to wake up in the middle of night and just shit. And I go, it doesn't matter. I'm just doing it anyway. Yeah. I do that sometimes. I do that

sometimes where I go, this is going to really make me pay a price. It's like deep fried. It's like guys who cheat, but they go, I'm not, I didn't fuck or I let her suck my dick. That's not the same. I don't know. It's fine. I've never cheated. No, of course. Maybe.

The All right, Two Bears 5K. Two Bears 5K. Crispy Cream. Wait, Two Bears 5K, May 9th. Netflix is a joke festival. It's going to be a blast. Are you going to be there?

Yeah, of course. Will you do my show with Shaq? When? I think it's the night before the 5K. Maybe. We should get Shacked around the 5K. All he's got to take is seven steps. Where are you doing your show?

Where is that? Comedy store. Oh, that's awesome. We're just doing, what we're doing is, we're filling the room with all of Shaq's friends, all of my friends. Maybe all you got to do is sit in the front row. We just want interesting people for the guys on stage to talk to. So it's all crowd work.

Oh, it's a crowd work. It's all improv. It's all crowd work. It's all improv. It's no material. It's just fuck around in the room. No recordings. All the cell phones are taken. Yeah.

It's just. And then if you have a joke about Shaq, please make it. Okay. Because Shaq loves getting fucking roasted. That's fun. And so it'll be blast. And Shaq loves you. So we have that.

Free Birts out. Free births out. Thank you, everyone for watching. Teacher, my specials on Netflix. Watch that. Love you. Love you guys. We'll see you soon.

Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes top of the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep the clean. Here's what we call. Two bears one cave.