2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Bombing In Front Of De Niro w/ Colin Quinn | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 210

Episode Date: November 6, 2023

SPONSORS: -Go to https://Saatva.com/theshit to get $200 off ANY mattress of your choice.On this episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Colin Quinn joins Tom to discuss some of their most horrific bomb stories. Colin also talks about working at SNL, his favorite (and least favorite) SNL hosts, and some pretty wild Chevy Chase stories. Tom is convinced that drunks ruin shows and Colin wants to pitch a new idea to Bert for his standup. Other topics include: one man shows, “resetting” a bad audience, and how MTV used to be cool. It’s a fun and insightful episode. Enjoy!https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://www.bertbertbert.com/tourhttps://store.ymhstudios.com/

this week on Two Bears One Cave. Even though when I came and I trashed the jukebox election, I just scanned a couple of the songs and I was like, I got to rock the Casaball, what's going on here? That's my wife. So, oh, no, no, no. My favorite part, I'm sorry, of the last few minutes, though, is that you very kind of like diplomatically said,

birds of fucking retard. And I have an idea, and he goes, that's right, you can just give me a hand job. 100%. That's right, you can just give me a hand job. Oh my god, 100% I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I own URL, and I said, these mattresses are the shit, and we would like that to be the URL. And when you go to www.satva.com slash the shit, you get $200 off any mattress of your choice. I think that's a great deal.

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S-A-A-T-V-A.com slash the shit. Get yourself a mattress. Great news everyone. Bird isn't here. Usually you have to sit through someone's buffoonery, talking about their nonsense, and luckily for all of us, he has something called intestinal cysts.

So he's getting those addressed. Oh, I know. But the great news is that in his place is somebody who you actually want to hear speak. Give it up for Colin Quinn, everybody. Woo. Thank you. Yeah. So excited to hear that.

Thanks, Tom. This is awesome that you're here, dude. Yeah. We usually don't get good comics. So, well, you're in town, you're doing the mothership. I'm doing the mothership. You're experiencing Austin, I know you're looking at real estate, you're probably gonna buy a place.

No, not since Tim Dylan fled. Tim Dylan fled and then came back. Oh, he did? He came back. He fucking by the way, he hose me. That motherfucker. He did. So he moves here first and I go, I go,

hey man, so how is it? Like, because I'm looking. This is a couple years ago and he goes, it's amazing, it's great. You're gonna love it. It's awesome. Gives me the whole pitch. And I'm saying he's like the reason,

but he did do a convincing thing. Of course. I moved here like six months later, I'm like, how's it going? He's like, I'm getting the fuck out of here. I go, well, he goes, there's like the reason, but he did do a convincing thing. Of course. I moved here like six months later, I'm like, how's it going? He's like, I'm getting the fuck out of here. I go, well, he goes, there's like one sushi place. I gotta get out here and he's fucking fails. That's really fun.

But then he's like, I don't know, he has like six houses now. So, yeah, he does. You don't wanna do your own, you can do all that. Yeah, he's just, he's got one in Europe. He's got, he's got, he's got, he's got, he's got everything. He does, yeah. He's doing all right.

But this is like a real treat because like I said, we usually have morons and you're here and you actually are, you're your whole, you know, you are the person who like everybody, we all, whether you like it or not, we all, you're this person who I would be nervous to do stand-up in front of, like if we were doing a set tonight, I would look at my set list and I would be like,

and then I would look at you and I'd be like, I can't do this. Oh, why? Because, because I'm a judgmental person. You're judgmental. You're a harsh critic. No, it's just because there are comics where you go, like if you feel like something is like,

eh, that'll get a laugh, but it's not solid. You go, I am not doing that in front of him. Well, yeah, but I mean, I don't, eh, that'll get a laugh, but it's not solid. You go, I am not doing that in front of him. Well, yeah, but I mean, I don't look, I never, my, when I judge people on nowadays, at least, I mean, I judge people on, there's two things I hate the most. Tell me, I hate false humility, where a bad example would be somebody going, and I mean, I'm ugly. And it's like, you're not ugly. Right, right, right.

You're good looking. Right, right. You know, I like real assessments if I look. You know, I mean, he might say, we're ugly people that think they're good looking. That's another weird thing. It doesn't bother me. Yeah, right, that's not because it's glooded,

but it doesn't bother me. Right. You know, you just feel like, ooh, um, but I hate false humility, which is a big thing for people pretending to be, and I hate pandering slash scolding. I guess it's sort of a lecture pandercombination. And you know, that style of, that's cool.

Yes. Those two driving crazy. And there's people doing both of those things quite a bit. Yeah. I did, I'd actually stopped somebody one time, a woman, female comic, who was like, her, she was on stage and one of her jokes, she was like, someone said to me, what are you a model?

And I was like blah, blah, blah. And I had to, when she got up, I go, by the way, you can't do that. And she was like, well, I go, because you're too good looking. I go, it's actually, you're not even average looking. I go, people are think that you could be, this is absurd. I couldn't even help myself to tell her.

I was like, you can't do that. It doesn't work. You don't get that one. Right. Yeah, that's the thing. Yeah, the pandering though is just infuriating. So that's really a bug's been the most. I mean, I know people do whatever they do.

You know what I mean by sure. But certain things just inflamed you in a certain way. And it's the real, you know, kind of, I use, I'll use the word, even though I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, It works you. I love Bert. Bert was doing that tour last year. And they said, Bert wants you to come and do a couple of guest spots on the tour. And my manager, my agent,

both like, Bert wants you to come. These are great tools. I go, I'm not gonna do Bert's. Look, he's the thing about comedy. I love Bert. But I'm saying, it's like anything else.

Not everybody has the same audience. No, they don't. You know what I mean? That's just, nobody even thinks about this. Like, Hey, you exposed to a different audience. Yeah, and what is it's gonna be like first of all they probably have a vague idea Why am they're not interested? I'm not

Everybody go there what is separate way you know So you see bird tell him thank you stop making all visits. I'm gonna be saying no the rest of my life By the way, just so you know, I have rejected everything he's ever, his, his, his, his, and then he'd be like, he goes, dude, you know we have the same audience, right? And I go, no, we fucking don't. No, we don't. He was, he talked about his fucking cruise,

his, his, his burp cruise. And he was like, the cruise I go, I go, can I tell you something? He goes, don't worry, I already told him not to send you an offer I go you could send me the gross of the cruise the entire cruise and I would turn it down I mean I love it yeah I love it but just there's different things going on there you know what I mean yeah that's a nice way of saying yeah but I'm just saying different things going on there yeah it's like it's just everyone's got there,

you know, everybody's got this idea that like all comedy is an audience. My favorite part I'm sorry of the last few minutes though, is that you've very kind of like diplomatically said, birds of fucking retard. No, kind of, kind of, kind of, no. He's dumb that he has no way of clinging. Put it.

Look, but I mean, no, I'm saying, no, I'm literally saying Yeah, that most people in the industry don't even understand that there's different audiences for different agents don't That's what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, they think exposure. It's not a different audiences It's not one big thing, you know, no,, and none of us are like, none of us are above, none of us, I'm not doing fake humility. None of us are above taking money for things, but there are times when you've done stand up long enough

where you get an offer for something and it's like, I'm not shaking my head at the money, but you go, is this, is the exchange of this money worth what I know this experience will be. Yeah. And then you go like these are not equal. That's, you know, 100% right. And you can't believe you're not gonna take the money.

That's what you're like. Damn it, damn it. You keep, and when you, but the problem is when you do take the money, that month before hand is ruined. Yeah, it is. Your whole life is ruined. Cause your stomach hurts, cause you're like, I know I'm going to this thing. It's not gonna be be pretty. And I'll go ahead and say, and when I did

the Home Builders Association of Northern Kentucky, it was a terrible idea. It's one of the most horrific traumatizing experiences of my life. Like that's one of the greatest common nuances. Northern Kentucky contract. Can I tell you to? It's almost like this was more than 10 years ago. And it's almost like I knew when the call came, like, because I was dealing with the person. And it was a referral from a family member. And she goes, I saw her. It's even worse because then they get the word back.

They get the pay. She goes, I saw you're so funny. And I was like, Hey, I just wanted to, you know, do you think that this crowd, and I know what the answer is, right, right. I want it to be like, it's gonna be great. She's like, it's gonna be great.

And I go, okay, okay. And then I, you know, I work out the details, and I go to this place, and it's in Covington, Kentucky, right across from Cincinnati. Sure. It's had a country club. And I walk into the room and I see the people and I'm like, I mean, I don't even have a fan base, but I'm like, this definitely is not them. And then I'm like, oh, fuck. And then she's like, you ready to go? And I go, can I get a microphone? And she was like, yeah, we'll get one up there. Just go ahead and get started.

And I was like, oh my God. Oh no. And so one of them just went up like, you know, hey everybody, put that down. We're ready, ready for your entertainment? And they go, Tom, come on up here. And I go up there and I'm like this, like, you know, hands free and I'm like, how for your entertainment? And they go, Tom, come on up here. And I go up there and I'm like this,

like, you know, hands free and I'm like, how's everybody doing? And they're just, you know. Yeah. And this is all, this is also their celebration. So part of you feels like, I get that this is your night. You're supposed to be enjoying your nights. Nice.

And then as I'm talking, someone hands me the mic. Turn it, oh, this is bad. And the sound comes on, this is better. Right. And then I just see a guy. And I'm doing the act that I know. I only have one fucking thing.

Right, right, right. And it's just, it's the word, and then as I get off, I was like, I don't know that didn't work, she was like, yeah, that wasn't good. I don't know, thank you. Oh no, I've had, yeah, horrifying. What I finally learned about those kind of shows, Yeah, that didn't. That wasn't good. I don't know. Thank you. Oh, no, I've had horrifying.

What I finally learned about those kind of shows, those, whatever they're called is I always I always do this. It's going to be I leave I go a day early. I go through all the seminars. Seriously? Yep. I get up to I just did one about a month and a half ago. It's the car line.

I literally my I'll sit there with a podium with my laptop and spend the I just did one about a month and a half ago, it's the high-carliner. I literally, I'll sit there with a podium with my laptop and spend the, I just did one. And I'll go over the speakers they sat through for the past day. I'll sit at all the seminal and I'm writing notes and I trash every speaker, everything that was said. Oh. I kill, but I mean kill for 20 minutes, but it's only 20 minutes.

Yeah. And then I go in my act and like, yeah, and then you just worked the crowd. Yeah. Because they, like you said, they're there. This is a, this is their business. They don't want to stand up, Shell. Right. No.

They're, they're talking to each other. So they don't do, they don't do, they don't do, they don't do, they don't do, they don't do, they don't do, they don't do, they don't do, they don't do, they don't do each other. So they don't do, they don't do, they don't do each other. They don't do, they don't do each other. They don't do each other. They don't do each other. They don't do each other. So they don't do peep from fucking accounting. Exactly. So either you work the crowd and even that is barely works or do like the stuff that I do. Yeah, I actually go bald. I'm looking, I'm not even looking at them. I'm looking at the laptop and it works so great. Dude, so but then the

rest of it's not, you know, that is an amate. That's an amazing tactic. And also it shows that like it doesn't matter how long you've been doing it. If you get something like that, you still got to do the work. You got to do the work if you wanted to go. If you wanted to go. Yeah. Did you, this just popped into my head. I wasn't thinking about this today, but was it there a story about you performing at like De Niro's birthday or something?

Oh my God. I mean, it's my most beloved Santa story. So it was this thing where Deneiro, his wife, caused me up. This is, Man, how long you been a business? Every mistake in comedy I made. You didn't make it. Like, later the mic, this was me doing that.

Right. So she goes, Denear, Bob's having a 60th birthday party. You do a Denear on pressure. It was I really didn't, but maybe I did a pair of ass one, but She goes could you come down and just do the impression so you obviously Ralph Krammer when he goes I'm going straight for $99,000. I'll answer you watch the honeymoon. I go. I'll do better than that I'll do an act and even she goes like this like

Um, all right I mean we just want the impression. I'll do trust me. I'm very you know, she's like all right. I mean, we just want the impression I'll do trust me. I'm very, you know, she's like, all right. So right away, if I write an act, a 20 minute act, it's all on paper. You can't memorize an act in three days of 20 minutes specific to one person. I write it all out about De Niro, but it's got, it's, it's, even when I look back on it, I go show up. There's Billy Crystal, Robin Williams, Wootbe Goldberg, there's Erwin Winkler, there's Big producer of all the movies. There's Shah's Pomethery, there's Christopher Walker, and all these guys are there, you know,

all these big names. Yeah. And is that a restaurant? That is a restaurant called Lesurk. The fanciest restaurant in New York at the time. And it's right across the same path as Cathedral. And so once again, now part one mistake, she told you do the impression, get out.

And I got a good beer big shot. But in my mind, I'm like, you know what, this is my time, I was doing great at standup, I was feeling my oats. I was like, this is gonna finally put me with Scorsese, De Niro, and these guys are gonna go, this is the missing link. Brought later.

Why don't we know about this guy? You know, because I'm from New York, I'm just like in my mind, in back of my mind, I was like, you know, and then I go up there, she goes, I'll introduce you. Now don't introduce me. Don't introduce me. Don't. I got it. Well, what am I stupid?

Yeah. I mean, I go go I'll just go up So I have to interrupt dinner. They're eating I lay out my notes I Get the mic and Robin Williams who was there goes to me. Yeah, he goes suddenly I'm eating and I look up and I see you talking to a microphone. I go what's calling Quinn doing? He's a comedian and he's wondering what's going on? So I started so I start getting the crowd go,

hi, hey, doing, I'm not really a friend of Tineiro. Again, Krausek, why would a non-friend be here at his birthday? And I go, but I see these movies and I make a few roast jokes. So I go, hey, how did you prepare? You always prepare for your movies. How did you prepare for whatever movie was by looking in front of the mirror and apologizing to the audience for wasting our money?

And I go, hey, you gained weight for raging bull and you put on some weight for untouchables and you know, maybe you're not a really an actor, you're just a fat fuck. So crowd's turning on me. So I'm bombing. Like, that was my first page was all roast jokes. Oh, so crowds turning on me. So I'm bombing like that was the, my first page was all roast jokes. Yeah, sure. I had four pages. So I do roast jokes.

So then the crowds turning. So then I go, I start freewheeling because I got Chris walking and those guys were over there. And I go, hey, I just got playing because I'm ready to be there. But I'm like, get off the nero. I go, hey, Harvey, can I tell what are you doing here?

Shouldn't you make yourself at home, take your pants off. Crowd just look at me, he's looking at me. I go, Chris walking, why are you here? You should be doing a cameo in an unwatchable independent movie. Crowd just look at me. So now I know I'm bombing with the roast jokes. So I go into,

you're like, let me switch it up. Yeah, I try to switch it up. So I go to my next page, me on, I'm shuffling papers. Oh, no. So that was such good. I'm telling you, this crowd is dead silent. I interrupted a meal of laughs at, you know what I mean?

Cause they're like the Kentucky thing. They're with their party too. Yeah, it's their party. Yeah. I'm not even his friend, they don't know me. So I stuck on into this other, this horrible story of my friend who I'm embarrassed to even tell my friend who he died but before but we hit

he taxi driver and when we were growing up and he's just describing taxi driver to me and how him you know how strange it was that he was mentioning tax driver but then at the end of going then he died. And I was like, who's terrible? And then are you seeing Bob just like, what's that? No, Bob's like looking like he's going, you know, like, keep going. Like, he's hard like, people like muttering like, you know, it's getting ugly. You know, yeah. Yeah.

And then people like, like a couple of, you know, ladies are yelling out at you. And people like, ah, like a couple of ladies are yelling out at you. Then I start doing, do our specials during a roast jokes, you know. Then I start doing this other thing when I'm doing like scenes from, I can't even remember, I'm thank God I don't have those papers

because if I did, I'd have to perform it again. You have to, you have to. But it was so bad. And it just ended so ugly and I left. And my suit was soaked with sweat. Yeah. And I walk outside and Robin Williams came out and he goes, calling because I know him

a little bit and he goes, oh, he's just left. He goes, oh, you know, I was like, look, I had another gig that night. It was kind of rainy. So I have this new cashmere sweater on a hanger and I go go, I, and the catch me just went to flew with the hanger and went in the gutter and I care, we're in it over in the rain. And he just cried with laughter. He couldn't believe it.

Dude, okay, first of all, that's fucking amazing. When you bomb, this is like universal for a comedian, like in especially an event like that. You know, there's the internal, that's just shame. Yeah, usually you want to be alone for a moment, but then the thing is you always want to, you have to tell somebody, right? Do you remember who you told first?

Like, well, I mean, well, obviously Rob and Wazah, but I mean, is there somebody else who you went to one of your friends right away and you're like, well, luckily I did have a show that night. Oh, so you can wash it off kind of. So I washed it off to a degree, but, and then years later, I'm like, oh, I make that story into more than it was.

Danero is like, he's done a hundred million things. He doesn't remember that bullshit. So I saw him outside the cell when he was doing that horrendous comedy movie, you know, and he's there and he's with the wife and Jim Norton is there. And so we're talking for a couple of minutes, I thought, the cello, Danero, you know, and then Jim Norton goes, hey, remember the time he bombed it, you're both a body and both of their faces.

Jim even said, he said, they were so dark, they darkened and it must have been like the bed, like this thing they hated that they never speak of. It's face to hole and he just walked away. Oh, my God. So he definitely remembers that. See you remember that. Yeah. I mean, right.

And the wife, both. Sure. And then did she ever talk to you again? Did she ever, because she's the one that asked you to do it? No, no, no. I never would have asked her to talk to me. It was the worst.

Carson Palmer was a quarterback for the Bengals. Yeah, I know. So they know him from Cincinnati and his, uh, his team reaches out and they're like, we have a big private event in Orange County. He's from California. Um, we want to, you know, possibly work with the Cincinnati guy. Can we come see you through the, they, they basically, his team comes and watch me at the Irvine improv.

Great show. Like, great show. This is like, again, I don't know, like 10 years ago. So they're like, they pulled me aside after and they're like, hey, we're doing this private event on, you know, next Tuesday at this place. We'd love for you to host it. And I was like, fuck yeah, dude, that'd be awesome.

And there like, we like a bunch of NFL players, I was like, oh, this is the shit. And they're like, you know, you're since Nadi guy, he'd love that, I was like, great. And they're like, and then the next day, there's a golf outing. And I was like, I'm not really a golf, they're like, believe me, you want to come?

It's gonna be fucking fun. And I was like, okay, cool. So the night of the event, it's at this like very chic sushi place. Well, there's a restaurant in the front and then in the back room, it's like to throw up party. So there's only room, there's only tables around the side and the center is empty. There's a big table that's in front of it, sushi, DJ playing over here. And when you walk in, it looks like a hot person's party. You know what I mean?

You're like, oh, somebody who is hot is having a party. Everyone, all the girls are just like, and they're orange county. Like they're smoking hot. Yeah. And I'm seeing NFL players left and right, walking around and I'm like, oh, this is dope, dude. And then they're like, I like 15 minutes,

and I was like, and then I go, what's the thing to like, so you do, you know, you go up there, do like 15 minutes, do your thing, 15, 20 minutes, then like, you'll bring up this guy, you'll bring up that guy, and then you bring up Carson. And then, then you kind of just wrap it up, and then tomorrow, there's the golf thing. And I go, okay, and they go,

I go, so the golf thing and they go, look, the only way you're not going to the golf thing is if you're not invited to the golf thing. And that's not happening. And I was like, okay. So I go up there and here's the thing. When you walk into a packed room, it's loud, right? Yes.

When I grab the mic, none of the volume in the room changes. Like you go like, are we start, like we're starting now? Start tapping it. Like we're starting. Hello. And then I look at the guy and he was like, and I go, what do you mean? I go, like, no one is listening, not like a friend. They're still like, I just have in the party. So I was like, hello, I start to say shit. I'm like, you guys are fucking rude, right? And I'm thinking that it'll gather,

it'll just guard our attention. No. Dude, nothing changes. So after a minute, I'm looking at him. I'm like, I don't, cause they're like, it's yours, it's your thing. I go, you have to, like, it's gotta, we gotta stop. Yes. So I finally am like, all right.

I go, all right, you guys aren't gonna listen, blah, blah, blah. I just, I start doing an act. I don't know, I'm not doing like rift stuff. I'm just doing an act. There's like four people here that are facing me. So I just perform to them. And as I'm performing to them, one of them is a kid. And I'm like, I'm going through the act

and I'm like, doing stuff that I'm like, yeah, that's probably not for kids, but he's here. And at one point, I'm like, do you know who I am? To the kid and he's like, and I go, I'm Brett Farf. And he's like, you see his face changed? He's like, like that. And I was like, yeah, so he believes it. He's not getting the joke in it.

And so I finally, I'm like, wow, this is, it doesn't feel like regular bombing because there's still nobody. It's like I try to do stand up, add up a disco, like a nightclub, like there's music on, except there's no music on. So when I finally, I'm like, I turn to the guy, I'm like, dude, I don't know what you're gonna do.

I'm like, blah, blah, blah, I bring someone else up, someone else comes up, it's the same. And when I finally go ladies and gentlemen, Carson Palmer, they all stop and they look at the stage, dead silent, and I'm like, this is amazing. Like they all, like 250 people just stop. Wow. I bring him on stage, he says some bullshit.

He gets off, I'm like, I'll, you know, continue your night and I'm like, sour about it. I'm like, I'm in the bathroom and like this running back for the bangles that the time I forget his name, he goes, and that was rough for you, huh? And I was like, yeah. Yeah.

I was, he was like, how'd you get, he was like, what's that feel like? I'm like, well, no one was listening. I go, so it doesn't, it doesn't feel like a regular bomb. Right. And then I'm like, all right, well, at least I got,

I got through this in some way. It feels terrible. And then I'm like, all right, well, at least I got, I got through this in some way. It feels terrible. And then they were like, yeah, we'll let you know about the golf thing. I'm like, it's tomorrow though. They're like, yes, someone will reach out. Oh my God. And I didn't get invited.

I didn't get to go. They disinvited you. They disinvited me for this. Somebody was listening, but you insulting them. Yeah, they were like, no, no, this guy's not coming. Yeah. But I mean, it's set up for failure. That was a failure set up.

A lot of these things, I'll tell you the best thing, which again, I've done enough of these gigs what I know is when, believe it or not, when you're performing in the morning. Hmm. You think that will be the worst time? It's the best time. Is it really?

Yes. Because they're there, they're bored by the speakers. You get up. You're trashing everybody that has been boring them this whole time. Sure. And they love it. And they're not drunk. Yeah. Once it's not drinking, drinking, drinking, or party. They're talking to each other. I haven't seen this person in years talking to these people. Oh my God, they didn't have to move for this stuff, you know? Yeah, yeah. I mean, I feel like all the years of like the six, seven show club gigs has really made a disdain for alcoholics

and like for drunk behavior. Yes. I mean, we're like, I hate them. I can be in a non-performance setting. And when someone's drunk, I just start to go like, I just wanna get the fuck outta here. Like that loud of noxious shit. Cause you perform to it, and you realize there's like,

there's almost no way to defeat it at a certain point. Well, even the Lauren Bober thing the other day, as much as I respect her giving the guy a hand job and him feeling well, I respect that. But the fact that they're in a play and instead of watching the play, they're like, it just reminds me of everything I hate. About drums. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Those idiots are like, Hey, go outside. What are you doing? Yeah. The shows getting ruined for everybody around the business. I didn't even know this.

Oh, this is like a beetle juice. They were doing like the musical beetle juice. So they're doing a play. Yeah. So apparently she goes in there with the guy, you know, they're vaping. Pull that up. But they're doing all the things that you hate in an audience member. Wow. So there, that's hiring that's him at the at the edge here.

Right. Yeah. And so see, so they get along good, you know, yeah So the lady behind her she had a convoy lady behind it. She was vaping. Yeah, it's just a vaping show Hey, you know, can you not be able to get vaping? She's like, yeah, come here. Yeah. Now here they go So taking pictures at the show. oh, you're watching a play. We don't look at everybody else. Yeah, yeah, of course.

It's super disrespectful. And now the dick comes out. No, she grabs his dick, but it doesn't come out. Look, I respect that part. Maybe they're not showing it. Oh, they didn't show that part. Now they asked to leave her and the guy. He's grabbing his head.

She's grabbing his dick the whole time. Wow. Isn't that crazy? That is crazy, but it's usually minded me of all the things in your audience where you like that's Because couple this is the equivalent of um, hey, could you uh? Can you keep it down and they're like I'm talking to my daughter right now like where they tell you what then you're like Yeah, I don't care That who you're talking you're talking in the showroom. You know, I mean, I've had people in the front row be like, we're talking about our plans for later.

And they're like, oh, that's great. Like, I thought you were going to face an attitude is exactly how they all are. Yeah, that's exactly what they do. They're matter of fact about it. Oh, damn you. You see what you do. They're matter of fact about it. Oh, damn you. You see what you know what's going on here? Now we understand.

And then they're like, and they're so entitled. It's all entitlement, you know? But it's also, let me explain this. I'm, I mean, this has been made my existence as I started this business. If you went to any other business and you, and the owner watched four people ruin the night for 200 of his customers to the point where most of them won't ever come back.

They would be yanked out and thrown out in comedy. They're like, eh, let them see where they go. Because half the owners have the same mentality as those. A thousand percent. Yeah, it's so crazy. It's so crazy. I mean, I remember one time at a club where the guy was like, the crowd was so disrespectful

to the feature. Yes. And there's this thing about you too where you get like protective, right? Of yours. And I was like, hey, what the fuck to the club? And they're like, you know, we, it's a customer.

And I was like, what are you doing? That's a customer, yeah. Like they go, well, you know, he, and then they wanted to fire my feature act for shitting on them and I was like, I go, you get rid of him, I'm not coming. Yeah. For the rest of the show.

And they were like, well, you know, and it's because the guy, he just cared about food and he didn't care about what happens on stage. He was like, those people bought food. Yeah, but they're so dumb because in the long one, about food and he didn't care about what happens on stage. He was like, those people bought food and drinks. They're so dumb because in the long run, their clubs closed because 150 people are not enjoying the show.

They haven't hit the easy pull. They don't get it. They don't get it. It's unbelievable though, too. Because if it was any other, if it was a restaurant even, they'd be like, these four people are ruining the night for everybody to get them out. Yeah, yeah, of course.

Any other business. Yeah, well then in the club, they also could be like super insane people in there and they go, we're just laughing. And you're like, well, you're not though. No, you're not. They're all, they're laughing. Yes.

You're doing a whole other thing. Oh, it's infuriating. It's really crazy. And that's that remind, by the way, because the Broadway thing we just saw there, you are more dialed into that because you actually do those show. You perform not just stand up in clouds, but you do one-man shows.

I do theaters and one-man shows. The theaters show sure. Yeah, I mean, but it's the same thing with less of that. Yeah, right, but I'm saying there is everybody kind of knows that when you walk into a theater, a Broadway show, a musical, there's a different level of decorum respect that you're supposed to watch to show with. Sadly, by the way, it shouldn't be that way. Stand up, you should be getting the same feedback.

It should be. I should be. But, and I'll tell you what the problem is, I figured this all up. It's because your table is, you're facing each other. Yes, it's crazy. A theater you're facing straight ahead. Here's the show, your tables face each other. That, it's crazy. A theater you're facing straight ahead.

Here's the show, your tables face each other. That's a nonverbal way of saying, here the show's part of it. Yeah, well there are actual clubs where you see some people watch the stage like this. Yeah. Oh, it's nice. Let me get one of those chicken fingers.

Yeah, it's really crazy. Well, one of the ways the comedy seller has always been my favorite and such a great club is because they, this is back in the 80s. They said, if you're a table of more than, I think, five or six, we separate you. And they said that in the 80s. They go, and people were like, well, we're together. They go, we don't care.

You're separated. If you want to come, you don't want to come, that's fine. That is amazing. That's amazing. That's amazing. Yeah, my all time biggest bomb was, I was boot off stage, was with Christmas parties, because it was groups of like 40 and 50, like all in sections.

Yes. And when I talked, because me and the owner talked about it at length, because we'd both never seen anything like it, but I was like one of the contributing factors is that these were mobs. They were, it wasn't, yeah. Rand, there was 50 people that knew each other here. Yes. 50 people that, I go, so once one of them was like,

I don't like this, they all just kind of got together, you know? No, it is, it is an interesting, weird, mob mentality, it is. The thing that happens, weird, madman talent, the thing that happens, mad rule. And it's the internet's like that too. And, but yeah. Yeah, the internet is exactly,

it's a great. Now, how did you go? Because I remember, you know, to the so crazy, like, how long I've seen you in different things. Like, I remember you on MTV. You were just a little boy, weren't you? I was kind of a little boy.

And also, what's sad for like, I, you know, this is old man shit to say, but I'm actually like, I get, some things you get bummed, you go, you don't understand how great it was. So like, like MTV was the coolest place in the world, period, if you were a teenager, like it was like the hosts,

you just waited for these cool music videos that were so, you know, sometimes they were deliberately bad, sometimes they were accidentally bad, sometimes they were the coolest thing you ever fucking thing, and you'd sit around, around the clock, if you had any moment, you would just put on MTV,

and you'd be seeing the best music, the best video. It was just fucking like, it was in the background at all times. It was the epicenter of pop culture and like, you know, like, and coolness. Like that. It was all worth it. It was even though when I came and I trashed the jukebox election. You did? Yeah. I just scanned a couple of the songs and I was like, I rocked the Casabond. What's going on here?

But, but I'm going to say it now that was your childhood. Actually, that's my wife. Oh, don't talk to me. Yeah, make sure you cut this. Oh, boy, send it to her. She's going to go nuts. Yeah, that's her problem. Um, you got trash by Colin Quinn. So, uh, no, but so you're there.

But MTV was here. MTV was amazing. It was the shit, dude. MTV, I've told this before, but we, me and Ken, and he came to me and he goes, he goes, he was out, I forget what was, I was in New York, we were like very parochial at the time, just, you know. And so he goes, I was just out somewhere and he goes, mobs of kids came up to me. He said a college or something.

He goes, mobs of kids came up to. And I just was a hair pain attention. But I had a gig the, a couple of days later, I'm Missouri. In middle of Missouri, I still remember Dennis Weaver Drive, you get off the plane, Dennis Weaver Drive, I don't know what school that is, but. So I get off and they drive me to the gig. And my act, I was only doing it for like two and a half years.

So my own act was like, hey, if you take the sixth train, the fourth train actually, right? And I was like, yeah, you know, it was very local. Yeah. And I see this college and I go, oh shoot, what else is here? I'm gonna do comedy. I've never done anything but a little club.

Because there's a line of 3,000 people. So I go, what else is going on tonight? And they go, I go, what? And I just forgot it. I go up, they're there to see me. Wow. Petrified. Now luckily, I just worked a crowd at that point.

I was just like, I'm just gonna work this crowd because little kids are there with their parents, but it was 3,000 people. And as you say, MTV was so respected, we would go to Florida, like spring break, NBC, all these camera people, these kids didn't care. When MTV showed up, they all, on their best, they wanted to be on.

Yeah, it really was like, the thing about it too, at the time, it's become like, hey, do you wanna see six drunk, fucking half-hot bodies, hang on. I don't know, it's just like, it's this half-hot bodies. I don't know, it's just like, it's just weird reality thing now. But whatever kind of music you liked, you had a moment, that's the thing about it.

Is that it was like top 40 stuff, that was your thing. You would have it if you wanted like head-banger, metal shit, rap, like it all had its moment on the, and you were just waiting for like whatever you wanted to see there. But you did that, that had to feel crazy. But then I've always asked this whenever I and meet anybody that works on the show. Cause to me, I guess, I just feel like it has to be

terrifying and maybe I'm wrong, but to get a gig on SNL, like, is it so intimidating to start there? No, but I was older and I came in and it was a writer, you know what I mean? So it was kind of a weird time. Like when I look back at those people from that those years, it was amazing, like Will Farrell and Tina Bay and my catcher. Great cast. These people are are all very big, you know what I mean? I share your territory. I mean, Sherri Terry used to, I mean, in some way she really, hard characters that first year imprinted

in a way that was very important and wanted to learn to it, even if we didn't. Yeah. So you know what I mean? Like he's serious, great. He'd be right right another cheerleader this week. I was like, what? He did that.

He's like, he understood like, people want to grab onto something. But anyway, so yeah, it was, it's one of these places that, you know, all the good things and all the bad things about it. Yes. It's all the way it is. But I say every other job, except that it's this dream in comedy. But right. But it's the same as any dynamic.

People go, oh, there's a lot of backstabbing. There was no more backstabbing there in my opinion than any job in any job. And a game of job. Any job anywhere in a bar, but I'm just saying, I always use a bar. I have an example because I work at restaurants, but I'm saying any office is just the way this. You know what I mean? And it wasn't overly, but it is the dream.

So and remember when I was there, it was all the show was out to get canceled. Yeah. So this whole new crew was kind of like, and everybody gets along, but you know, you get after a couple of years, you see, I mean, we saw each other every day for years, but it's like comedy. So if me and you are both hanging out in the comedy store, the seller, comedy mothership for months together, and then suddenly I'm doing another gig. And we know she's together for two years. And we saw each other every night. Yeah. Yeah.

It's a weird business. That's weird. Yeah, it is. Like you get your best friends. And you're like, Oh, yeah. I just hang out with that guy. I haven't seen him in three years. And then the weird thing about that is that, like you're working with each other, you see each other at night. And then on the, there is also the chance that like, there's an off day, off night, and you're gonna call one of those people like you wanna go get something to eat.

And so like you're hanging out with them again. Yes, and then when they're gone, they're gone. But they say movies are like that. Like all the people that do movies, they fall in love, they have this thing. Everybody's best friends. I love that person and then they never see me again. Yeah, I did a few small movies.

Yeah. And what I got was that to the 10th, like where everybody was so intensely like, I love you. But like, like genuine affection, you know, people would hug you and like hold on to you. Yes. And then let's all exchange information. Yes.

And the thing is they're texting you while you're doing the movie. And then the movie ends and you don't get any text. No. No, I know the same way as that. Yeah, the same way. But the worst is, or the funniest I guess, if you're in the early part of the movie. So you're there for the first three weeks, but they shootin' for two months. And two weeks, it's a love fest. We love you. Oh my God.

It really loves you. Then if you have one more day to come back, you have to go shoot near the end. And I was like, hey! How's it going, man? Yeah. You haven't met everybody else that we like more. You're all here. It just shows life. Yeah, yeah.

I guess it's some life lesson. It is kind of a life lesson. I also think it's a big deal. You said that the intimidation factor for getting an SNL gig has to go down once you're older. In other words, if you get that 22, that's gotta be fucking blow it away.

Yeah, but once you have some chops, and you also just have more life experience, it's a little more grounded. Yeah, but once you like have some chops or and like you also just have more life experience, it's a little more you're a little more grounded. Yeah, and I wouldn't even know if I was more grown up, but I definitely went being a writer there is a different animal too. When I was a writer there, it was a different animal. How long were you writing before you were on camera? About a year, you know what I mean? Okay, I mean, did you like doing that or no? I liked it, but I said, oh God, I used to get an argument because I was always, you know, I mean, maybe it's just being a comedian, but I was like, I know what's funny. So like,

the guest hosts to be there. And I'd be like, you're saying that line wrong, but I, I mean, I tried to be polite about it. I was definitely saying it willfully. Yeah. Like, you know, writers have a certain coof and directors where they treat performers a little bit delicately. But when you perform your cocky, or at least I feel, and you're like, Hey, I'm a performer too. And that dynamic doesn't work. They don't like you telling them, Hey, that's wrong. You know, you could do like just the pushy, the willfulness of my, my connection with them, they don't like that shit. That's for directors, that's why directors

and writers are so talented, because they deal with performance without being pissing them over all the time. Sure, sure, but would you, would people actually snap back, like if you'd go like, Yeah, Chris Morgan snapped at me once. He did?

Yeah. My old buddy. Was that was before the party? Oh really? He was probably happy that I was, bombing at that party. You said something like, do it like this? No, I just said, look, I told you about that sketch.

Yeah. So I started to describe the sketch, I was gonna pitch again, you told me already, I was, yeah, but I'm telling you again, cause it seems like you forgot. You just looked at me with hate. Huh? He looked at me like this.

And a couple of people I had just those interactions with. Yeah. Who was, asked Al Franken when he was here. Who was the worst person you ever, whoever guest hosted it in your time there? Well, I mean, you know, I'll tell you my favorite first, which is sting. I love sting.

And not just me, everybody loves sting. All the girls who are in love with them. All the guys, even the guys who like us, they everybody loves sting. That's the way it is. It's just the aura, the energy, but the... He's just the greatest connected guy. Like he talks to everybody. He's not trying to be charming. He's not like, I'm connecting with you. He's just like, it's hard to describe, but it's like,

any, I mean, young women, they all love him. Everybody loved him. Yeah. When I was there, I would say, I had conflicts with, I hate to say this, Manel and Conn died, but I had a little conflict with her. You know, I really loved her community thing, but she took my sketch, me and I had a little augment of my sketch. Really?

And then she ended up sabotaging it. Wait, she was working there. No, she was just on the guest host. And you guys argued over the sketch? God, we argued over my sketch. And then I saw the look in her eyes, and then she just, she goes, I know, I'll do it in this guy. She was a real pro, and she just did it,

just to beat off on each thing, so that it bombed at dress rehearsal, and they caught half the show at dress rehearsal. And she gave me a good lesson. She said, go, you want to play games, huh? Really? And so had you been you've been budding heads during the... Yeah, we budded heads a few times in here.

Wow. I was kind of a deck in certain ways as far as... I was like, you know, I just thought my I thought my sketches were you know like from being a standup I'm like I say it this way, you know, I don't know what you're doing, but you know Oh my god instead of like writers have to be a little more They have a even if it's fake. There's only that's why you see showrunners become like They yeah because they let all the anger out for all the writers right right But writers have to be more subservient to the sure performer to get them to do stuff the way they want

Yeah, but you're also there's there are People who write who are just writers right you had the thing where you're like I am a performance Exactly. I came in there like we're equals and so no you're not yeah, yeah, so you know anybody else that Memorably terrible? I mean, people always say Chevy, you know, but I was there when Chevy hosted and I mean, he was crazy, but it was kind of funny. Like, I didn't think it was, I mean, he was you today, people would be horrified. I understand that.

But at the time. Get an example. What's like, what was crazy about him? Like, he goes, like when he's, people are pitching ideas. And this is like around the room, so Lauren is talking to us, and he's behind Lauren going like this, so hold on. Doing faces and making body like these weird things. And then one of the female writers goes,

I don't have an idea yet. And he goes, that's right, you can just give me a hand job. Oh. It's like, you know, but it was like trying to be funny, but it's like, it was kind of funny. That's pretty funny, man. But I mean, but it's just, you know, the difference is right now, everyone would be like, that is just, man. But I mean, but it's just you know, the difference is right now

Everyone would be like to add it. Yeah, but and he just and if he just did it to women that would be one thing But he was insulting everybody all the time really but it was kind of it was kind of funny the way he does it Yeah, it's really One time I was I was on the show and I was warming up the crowd beforehand and he just walked in and the crowd went crazy To every chase. Yeah, you walked in he's like this. I'm warming up and he just says just waves waves and they were going nuts And he goes he leads him to be because I just did that to fuck you up and walked all that's pretty funny though man, that's funny Like the thing about I don't know what this says about me

But all the things you're saying like if I'm in that room, I have a smile on them. I'm in, I find it endearing. It is endearing butt-proof, but he would all, he would like to screw up the sketches, to live with me. Oh really? But it is funny, but he's like a little kid. One time I was at Aspen Comedy Festival, eight in the morning.

Eighth in the morning, it was getting their cars to get out. It's the last day, been there all week. And Chevy's here with his wife and his kids. He's a real family man to wife and his kids. And the guy said, the valet guy said cowboy hats at Aspen at this hotel. He goes, who are you? Hop along, he has to give me that fucking thing.

And he takes the hat and just starts dancing around singing in the driveway while the cars are eating them when it was like this. And he's making fun of the guy and just busts on his balls. And it was kind of funny. Yeah. And the guy was laughing. And I was laughing because I was like, this guy's like 50 years old. He's out of his mind. And he's out of his mind. And his kids are standing and looking like this is our debt. We out of his mind. And he's out of his mind and his kids are standing looking like this is odd that we see this all day. Yeah, we don't give a shit. We don't feel him back. So it was kind of funny. Yeah.

But yeah, but I already can go over the top. But it was something about him. It's he's like a hyperactive guy. I guess, you know, yeah. I mean, this is not obviously the same, but one of my friends growing up his dad was one of these like outrageous dads like that. Right. And like I remember one of my friends growing up, his dad, was one of these outrageous dads like that. Right.

And I remember one of the first times that I'm hanging out with my friend at school and then I go to his house. And his dad was like, are you here to see my little girl? And I was like, what? And he doesn't have a little, it's his son. And I was like, yeah?

I'm excited to know yet. Right. And then he like, yeah? I'm excited to know yet. Right. And then he goes, he likes to, and then he had a cell phone, the old cell phone with the antenna that's permanently up. And he goes, here's my son, he's playing with his little dick. But he's doing this in front of his son and his friends.

Yes. We're howling as friends, we're teenagers. Yes. And my friends, like, looking at me, he's like, are you amused? This is, this is my life. He's this is what this is every day. And I was like, I go, yeah, it's pretty fucking fantastic.

I loved it. Yeah. But it is that energy. Yeah. It's not like a witty, it's just a guy that just commits in this crazy way. Yeah. But won't stop.

You won't stop. Yeah. But I wonder, I would love to hear the history of all the times he's done, because he was just doing, when he was doing that for in the outside of the hotel, he wasn't, there weren't a lot of people around. I just happened to be coming out, maybe a couple of other people.

He wasn't performing for anybody except his family, himself, there's a, and those two valleys. See, there's a part of that that you gotta go like, man, however you want to spit, like that's kind of the purest comedian, like the guy who goes, I'm here to make jokes and get laughs in whoever's around. Right, you know, like that's a true silliness factor to that. That's right, right?

Like, who's watching the valet? I'm just trying to make him laugh. Well, I was robbing wins for all his faults and they were plenty. He was a guy that would grab anybody and just work them. Like, you know, any stranger on the street would be like, oh my gosh.

Yeah, yeah, that's a, that's like, childlike almost, right? Yeah. Those guys can keep that silliness. Yeah. Yeah, mine went away a long time ago. Oh, I never had, yeah. I like a bus balls, but, you know what I mean?

In a different way, like about, I like, I love bustin' balls on people when they, you know. Yeah, sure. And the streets and stuff, but that, not silly more like it's pretty. The silly stuff, or you're like, because also there's something about that type of silliness where at a certain age, you're like,

how do you have this much energy for the shit? Right, right. Don't you need energy just to get through the day? Yeah, I can, I can interrogate people, I can't move. Right. I can do it like that. These guys are running around.

Yeah, don't require me to do fucking squats to do make you laugh. Yeah, dude. These guys still got it. All right, what? Because I've always wanted to ask you this, I remember the first one man show that you did that was like pointed like about something that wasn't just like, here's an act, like here's just jokes about stuff.

And then you're actually, it's great because you're taking something that actually people don't know. We know that we have a general sense of, like history of this country, constitution, and then you go like, no, I'm gonna actually break down what this really is, but do it in an entertaining way, a truthful way, and with humor. But it feels like, I feel like now that you've done it and done it well, and multiple times,

it actually what it did was, it opens up that door for people to go, oh, I want to do a version of that. So now you see people do things like this, but I feel like you're the guy, the thing. Right, yeah. But what made you, it felt like at the time, like now if somebody does it, they're going, I'm going to do an act about the nuclear treaty.

You'd be like, all right, this is a thing now. But what makes you first, it feels like a big risk I'm saying when you start it. No, because one of the things was, I had done some one-man show stuff before, but what really it is is I watch comedians and I go, like I'll watch you. If I watch, I'm trying to think of a specific moment

in your act. And so, well, as one way you say the guy was, when somebody's, I'll try to, I'm paraphrase, but with the guy, if somebody's, oh, here's a perfect example. When you say, when there's a guy in overalls with no shirt on, that's the last person you're gonna see. Yeah, right.

Okay, so that's a hilarious line. But then I'm like, that's not just a hilarious line. Like that train of thought, if you wanted to go into, could be something, like I always feel like comedians throw away genius lines. Yes. And I'm like, that's a whole theme, that's a thought. So I started thinking that way and I was like, I can't believe like, because a lot of times people will go,

oh, that person's funny. I'm like, no, but with their saying, there's so many little profound moments. So I'm trying to like curate it so that people go, no, no, this is what we're talking about. What's about life on earth right now? Yeah. And I know people know that. And they, you know, I mean, but it's still I'm trying to make sure people want to say. So a lot of times people do their act. There's like 10 profound things. Then they end

on whatever their biggest laugh is. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, there's got to be more of a theme there because they're saying so many important things. So then I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. There's got to be more of a theme there because they're saying so many important things. So then I was like, I'm gonna do theme shows. Theme shows. I feel like everybody should, yeah. I kind of feel like the people who have done a version of this for a while are actually the Europeans, right? Like, meaning not the same style show.

It does surprise me. But they will do theme. Like when you do festivals, if you go abroad and you do, like you go, I'm doing, you know, the Edinburgh, Melbourne or something, you know, you arrive and though someone will be like a local or be like, so what's your show about? You know, like my show, what do you mean?

It's a series of jokes that have nothing to do with one another. And they're like, oh, mine's about my dad. And you're like, you're fucking an hour is. Right. And then you watch it and they're like, oh, it is. Yeah. So that's like a, and then they are in the practice also of turning over that thing. So they do that show.

And then they're like, my next show is about my last year in high school. Right. And you're like, okay. So that feels very, you know, like European to me, but you find it less frequently, I think, in the States. Well, I've never done Europe, which you've done those festivals or anything? Infuriates me to no end, but I've never done Europe

and it just, I did, when I did a long story short, one of the reasons I did it was like, I'm gonna do every country and then I'm gonna go tour the world. Yeah. And it never happened. So you just, I'm at the big. But when you say you do jokes over a series of random jokes

that aren't connected, that I don't believe. Well, so I'm saying, if I look at any of your hours, I'll be like, well, what about this? And that's the part I feel like there's so much profound stuff going on. So I'm saying, if I look at any of your hours, I'll be like, well, what about this? And that's the part I feel like there's so much profound stuff going on that's not getting it's full deserved attention. And I also feel like the mark of,

like when I watch somebody who's starting out, someone who's done it a little while, and then someone who's like a true veteran, but to me, the mark of I'm like, oh, this guy is good, is that he, when he gets to a good joke, he or she, excuse me, or they, any of them, they work the whole thing out. Like they work, they don't just go one funny joke about this. They give you the whole thing and then what, when you're new, when you're starting out, you're like, I gotta laugh about that, moving on.

Right. And you don't, you don't like beat up the top. And it's, it's, it's, I'm mobile, but it's a, it's a mistake in certain ways. And you know, the first one I ever saw really squeezed the life out of it was rich Jenny, if you remember him. Yeah, of course.

He would take the subject and roll it into this thing. And it was really interesting to watch. Yeah. And it was great the way he did it. He was fantastic. Yeah, he was. Yeah. He was really, really good.

And I've heard other great comedians go like, oh man, he like, when you saw him in a club or something, they're like, it was, people were actually, like, you hear these perlips around, but people were exhausted, but from laughing so hard at this guy. Like he was just. He had some really beautifully crafted bits, you know?

Yeah. I can't believe that. Yeah, but that's the kind of thing where I always feel like, really what I'd like to do, you know, it's everything's too late now. What I'd like to be is the guy that gets paid exorbitant amount of money from comedians to force them to craft their acts into what I want them to be. Yeah, you know what I mean? Yeah. This way, I'm, you know, but the only problem with it is, which is this is why comedians are the greatest if I

Whoever he respects said hey this joke will work better with this line 99% communities even an open mic would look at me like fuck you. Yeah, yeah, you're told Yeah, yeah, that's so true And even if somebody gives you a line, you still he's entered you do even if it's a great line Yeah, you're like god damn it and of course if it's a great line. You're like, God dammit. And of course, it doesn't help that an audience watch you do an hour, come up and they will say, that one joke, you're the one that somebody carried me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's so true. So the difference now is that like, I feel like the longer you do it, you can go, like if I do a set now and I've had, I got to come up to being go, hey, you know that bit and you're it, you can go, like, if I do a set now, and I've had, I got a much better being go, hey, you know that bit, and you're like, what? You know that bit, and you go, yeah, they go, you know what, what you're missing there, and you go, you start to go, like, are you fucking out of your

mind? And then they, they give you a light. And when it's, when it's notably bad, I go, that's thanks. I didn't think about that. I appreciate that. Right? And then I just kind of walk away. But when it's not when I go, that's great. It's when I go, oh, that's interesting. That to me is more the alarm that I go, fuck, maybe I should, when I, when I, when I gives me a moment to pause and think about it and I go like, fuck, is that, is that better?

That's when I go, I'm gonna try your suggestion. Even if your suggestion isn't the exact thing I'm gonna take, if I go, you just open the door. Yes. That's what happens. Yeah. That's what I'm gonna be that guy. I'm gonna start with Bert.

Grisha. Sure. And I'm gonna start with Bert and I'm gonna say Bert, look, because Bert seems like the kind of guy that if I presented it correctly, he just forked over a boatload of cash. You could definitely get a lot of money out of him. So you could get a lot of money. I'm just going to sit down and go, Bert, I love it. Yeah, I love you. You're bringing us something

because he does bring a whole energy that's amazing. Yes, and a lot of words. So not all coherent, but there's a lot of words. And I'm going to say Bert, here's what we're gonna do with the act. And he'll be like, I love this idea. What is it? You know, say, Bert, shut off. The shirt comes off. The shirt coming off is good. It's a nonverbal thing that's really beautiful. But what I'm saying is we're gonna explore what it means,

the history of nudity, and at the end, the grand thing is gonna be you taking your shirt off. Now Bert is not gonna be cheap. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, good. Yeah, tell us what kind of price range are we in here? I mean, I guess for him a new hour, a Bert new hour. A new hour. He's probably gonna toy that for two years. Yeah, he'll make, what? Just let's just leap this part out. Oh, more. All right, and I'll say, I'll say for a new hour for bird for me. Oh, wow, Jesus.

What? It's definitely not as fast as it's now. It's good, it's good. Lots's my actions. No way. That's good. That's good. Lots of sleeps. I'll tell him later. There's no time for you, Jeep. No, it's true. No time to be cheap.

God. I think, I'll let that be action. I'll let that be action. Oh, God, Jesus. That's real money. Because I think he would actually, he might give it to you. I think you could do it. If I could get him in like, environment like the seller,

for like an hour, and just sit there in the right spot, I could probably get it. Yeah. Yeah. You have to have a certain amount of I could probably get it. Yeah. Yeah. You have to have a certain amount of food and drinks coming in. Like, we're back, but like timed, you know. You go like, and when I, you go, when I go, another water for me, be like, that's when you bring out the steak

and the other bourbon and be like, and then right after it closes, I'm gonna give them the paperwork for the wire transfer. But that's the beauty for the wire transfer. But that's the beauty of today. Yeah. He could just really almost bend mine. Yeah, I don't have to get bend my,

I don't think he bend my, but you can be, like as long as the deposit clears now, he can get started. Yeah. It's very, I love the business plan. I think you as a consultant could make really fucking crazy money. I love it.

Real crazy money. But not if people are gonna bristle like you just did over my, my fee. Well, because I'm thinking of my own fee. Jesus. I love it. Real crazy man. But not if people are gonna bristle like you just did over my, my faith. Well, because I'm thinking of my own fee. Jesus. I'm gonna be like, Hey, you're not doing fucking Berkshit to me, man. All right. You're gonna be like, I hope you come up with the pitch.

Yeah. I want to break. I want to break. Yeah. He's cut that thing in the fucking waters. You know what I'm going to do. I'm going to do like drug dealers. Yeah.

I'm going to help somebody with one bit and then if they like shit, what does it do that bit? Yeah. You know, if you help me fix this one bit that I have right now, I'll give you a good check. Yeah. What is it? I'll give you a can't do it here.

Okay, fine. But as soon as this wraps, we'll talk about it. I like. Yeah. But I might not be good at it like that. You know, I need a you a hint to it here. Okay, fine. But as soon as this wraps, we'll talk about it. At length. Yeah. But I might not be good at it like that. You know, I need a couple of days to ruminate usually. Yeah, yeah.

No, you can ruminate on it. Yeah. It's a real fucking problem. It's all I talk about. Oh, okay. Well, yeah, I can probably help. Yeah. I don't want money for it, but I want to, you know,

yeah. Maybe you could just spread the reputation after it said, you know, because really, they go focusing on birds. It's like, see, you. If we're focusing on birds, this is the way to do it. I help you with that bit, then you casually mentioned to birds. And then three months from now in his head,

he's like, you know what? I gotta do this. Here's what happened. Here's what I will do it. I'll fucking do this bit. And they'll be like, that bill was great. And I'll be like, well, you know, Quinn, I'll be like, really?

Yeah, you fucking hooked me. And then he's like, he's like, oh shit. And then you give him the new price. No, no, we do it like Bernie made off. We set it up, we go, he's not really gonna talk to you. Oh, he's not. He's like, hey, wait, what's wrong with me? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll be like, Bernie, I don't have time right now. I'm working with Kevin Hall. I got Matt Wright from the line. And he's like, I don't have time right now. I'm working with Kevin Hall. I got Matt Wright from the line. And he's like, what about me? And I'm like, I'd love to get to you. He'd be like,

no, I don't know. All right, listen. All right, I'm gonna put something aside. This Tuesday. Yeah, there you go. And then they, you got to give him the fee though. And he'll be like,

what's the fee? I'm be like, it's expensive. It's not like undoable. It's a, guys not fucking free. Well, it's not, I mean, it's expensive. It's not like undoable. It's a big thing. Guys not fucking free. Well, first I say, you know, Kevin Hodge give me. BEEP.

Yeah. I know you don't have that kind of money. Right. BEEP. I'm happy like. Maybe she'd say BEEP. Is the way you react to the BEEP. I don't want to be told BEEP around.

Right. BEEP. Better, right? BEEP. Great deal. And then I'll be like, what do I get for f**k? F**k.

Couple tags. We should do a whole two bears one cave with you playing him and me playing myself. Oh yeah. That could be a whole other episode. I know. You have to work on my mouth breathing. Oh my god, call it. I gotta, oh my God, hold on a second.

Yeah, Bert, this is gonna work. But really, with him, you can really get thematic. Yeah. Because it's got the crowd, they're in the vibe, they're in his energy. So are you looking for a theme? He can take it any way he wants. That's true, that is true. He's got great, great energy too.

Yes. So do you look for themes the way like, you know, director, writer directors go like, I'm just searching for, I'm waiting for a story and then they have a story and they're like, this is it. Well, I'll give you a perfect example. My layer show was, I was like, I got,

I started doing it and I was like, what is it, what is it? Then I go, I know what it is. I'm just gonna and I was like what is it what is it then I go I know when it is I'm just gonna go the other way and make it all small talk and I'm putting small talk is and small talk is it runs society it's small talk and then after I did I go it just doesn't feel like it feels okay but it's forced yeah so now I got no theme so I'm just trying to figure out my theme wow now when you're when you're working out like, um, you know, red, say, blue, state, New York story, unconscious, like when you're doing those, yeah,

can you Pract like get those things in shape in the clubs? I have to. You have to. You have to know other. Even on constitutional. I was proudest because the minute those working the clubs, those bits, then you're like, this is gonna work in a theater. And that's such a, like a turn for an audience that's like watching, you know,

six people in a grow, go up, talking about the subway, blow jobs, you know, I have kids, they're acting like, and then you come up and you're like, mostly blow jobs, yeah. Mostly blow jobs, but the constant, yeah. So everyone's just like, wait, are you really doing it? Oh, believe me, I yell at you when he's supposed to. Yeah, we're talking about the constitution. I have to literally say that sometimes.

We're talking about the constitution right now. And then you find that like, it's like, the thing about, I don't know, I feel like after years, you learn that you can reset an audience to meet you there. If you're like, this is what we're doing. It doesn't matter. You said it perfectly. The crowd wants to laugh and the crowd will laugh on, they know about the constitution. Sometimes they know more than you do, you know? But you gotta reset and keep the couple of the assholes that are trying to change it.

You have to put them in there and line. That's the only thing as you know, those people have to be stopped. Addressed, yeah, you have to. Yeah, and you gotta be, you know, funny, but very harsh and put them in line because they'll try to bring the energy into whatever they wanted to be, you know, and you can't have that. But yeah, the crowd is, if you punch it up, they're there. They like any subject. Yeah, because I feel like the thing that I learned it with is following crazy energy. When you follow crazy energy, your instinct is,

when you're starting out, is you're like, God, I guess I gotta be big too, because that guy was so big. And then you realize that actually you can go like, completely to the, but you have to like, you have to be, zen, securing it. It can't be like a put on.

You just kinda like, you settle in and you're like, that was that, and this is this. Well, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, where were we, I always think of Ray Romano because we did, you know, strip shows and everybody's up there with their energy and wild and talking about, you know, young and single. And then this guy would go on last and the crowd, you know, lay shows, five people being hilarious. Yeah. And then he goes on and he's like, I got two kids. I'm married and people be like, what the hell is this? Yeah. And after two minutes,

he went on last because he killed. Yeah. So he would just be and be so funny and just be like, you, what you just said. So secure, like this is what I am. Yeah. And I feel like that's one of the things he comedy that I feel like is one of the most important things is what you just said. It's, this is all you got.

And if it's not enough, that's you gotta go somewhere else. I'm not bringing you somebody else. I'm not bringing you a rock star. I'm me and this is what we got. So let's either laugh or not. And I feel like one of the most important moments in comedy is when you get to that point where you're like, I can't reach and be who you just saw.

I'm never gonna bring their energy on. I'm me. I'm me. This is all I got. Yeah where you're like, I can't reach and be who you just saw. I'm never gonna bring their energy on me. I'm me. It's all I got. Yeah, you're so right. That there's that moment, and there's the moment where you, the first, I think when you first hit you when you're, it's funny because you're obviously performing comedy to get laughs,

but there's moments where you're on there, and especially like in a big room, where you're in the middle of something, and you realize that everybody's listening, and you're like, oh, they're all listening right now. A few thousand people are listening, and you're like, this is pretty crazy. That's crazy.

And also, that's a good thing to get. People panic when they're not getting laughs, they're like, what should I do? But you're like, hey, use this. Use them being like, oh my God. Right. And take them somewhere, you know? Yeah, take them wherever you want, right. Oh my God. Right. And take them somewhere, you know? Yeah, take them wherever you want, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Um, I don't know. I feel like I'll give you, I feel like, as a deposit, I'll give you a, okay. Okay.

In a bit. No. I don't, like I said, I'm doing it like a drug deal. I do this bit for free, then we have the conversation, meanwhile, if I can't even do it, who knows if it'll even work? But if it works, then you're like, oh God,

and you just cash me mentioned it, Bert. After he'll forget this podcast after a month, he'll be like, and listen, and then you just go, oh my God, and it kind of let me talk about that bit. It's great. And then be like, what bit? Oh, And I count, we talked about that bed, it's great. And then be like, what bed? I would not tell you if that doesn't matter, but man, it was good, you know. And then when he says, how much was it,

you're like, I'm gonna talk about money. Which is a great line, speaking of MTV. When you don't you have money, there is no money, but you're not lying. Like, I don't want to talk about the money. Money's not important. When we did MTV, we did remote control. So, girls auditioned with another girl

who other one had left and they brought in this girl. Sophia Coppola. And they go, and that's Sophia Coppola. Alicia Coppola. So it's an Alicia, she's doing the show. So they go, are you related to Frances Ford? Did you guys, I don't like to talk about it. They hire her.

She's never related. She didn't lie. She didn't lie. I want to talk about it. I want to talk about it. I want to talk about it. She's the greatest. Yeah, that's hilarious.

I want to talk about it. That's such a great one. That is brilliant. Did you get hired? Yeah. And then, you know, some exact, like, it's pretty crazy. We got Francis Ford Copeland. Oh, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl Joe's on Carmine. Is that a downtown? Yeah, about the solar. Do you live nearby?

I mean, I don't want to give you your address, but do you live in the area? Well, I live, no, I live like down about 30 blocks past that, but. Oh, okay. By force to be around that. And have you been there that area a long time? Yeah. I went to Joe's, Joe's just before he was up. I was there at the original Joe's.

Wow. It was four days away and they moved it to that place. Yes, because you are New York, man. Oh, I love, I mean, I know. When I wish I had been, my only regret is I wish I had been filming. I think about this all the time. From the time, from the 70s,

I just wish I had been filming everybody and everything. Do you have, because my favorite thing, I love cities. I love being like, when people go vacation, you know, they go like, you wanna go to the beach, you wanna go to the thing. And I always pick big cities. I like to go to the beach, you know, thing and I always pick big cities I like to go to New York, Paris, like because I for me the what I get out of those because they're always a word You go I'm like I just like the energy of being in this what's like a a great day off free day for you in New York

Like is it just low-key walking around walking around? That's what new but let me give you speaking of cities So they just shot this new denier one movie. Mm hmm. Good friend of mine. Go ahead. But yeah, Bob. Yeah. Bob. So he plays the mob guys. Yeah. So anyway, it's set in the 60s New York, 60 Barry 11th Direct 60s and 50s in New York. So they had to find their closest place that looks like New York in the 50s and 60s. Where do they shoot? I'll give you a hint. Okay. I'm asking you, where do they shoot? Cincinnati?

Yep. For real? Yeah. No shit. Downtown Sincere. I guess. I don't know, but somewhere in Cincinnati. That's true.

It does kind of suck. Isn't that weird? Yeah, no. It's like, there is the thing about Cincinnati is you're, the feeling that whenever I go back to Cincinnati and especially when you're downtown, you're always like, yeah, it's like, the thing about Cincinnati is you're, the feeling that whenever I go back Cincinnati, and especially when you're downtown, you're always like, yeah, it's like, this is almost there.

Like you always feel like, like three quarters of things have been done, you know? And you're like, you know what I mean? When you go, I was just surprised at it, German, you think you finished stuff. Yeah, I know. Over the right. Over the right, yeah.

That's German, that was a good one. No, I know what you meant ride. Over the ride. Yeah. That's Germans, no, they're doing. They're building. No, I know what you meant. And you're right, they did a great job. Well, end on that. You can see Colin Quinn at gogitikasatcolynquin.com. He's one of the best. Thanks for having me.

Thanks for seeing you guys later. Bye. Bert, Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes top and swap the other. Where's the shirt? Tom tells stories and birds the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean. Here's what we call to Bears One Cave.

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