2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Chris & Stavvy Save Christmas! | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: December 22, 2025

SPONSORS: - If you’re 21 or older, get 25% OFF your first order + free shipping @IndaCloud with code BEARS at https://inda.shop/BEARS! #indacloudpod - For simple, online access to personalized and affordable care for Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit https://Hims.com/BEARS. - Order a bottle of Por Osos and some killer merch online https://drinkporosos.com Merry Winter Bears-mas! Stavros Halkias and Chris Distefano take over 2 Bears 1 Cave while Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer are away, and immediately turn it into a holiday fever dream. The Winter Bears dive into chaotic Christmas traditions, Jewish Christmas supremacy, family trauma, weight-loss delusion, wild childhood memories, and the politics of gift-giving. Along the way, they spiral into ancestry revelations, Oldboy-level revenge fantasies, questionable parenting strategies, croissant mukbangs, and an all-time debate over the perfect Christmas Chinese food order. Grab a pastry and strap in — this might be the most unhinged holiday episode in 2 Bears history. https://www.instagram.com/stavvybaby2 https://www.instagram.com/chrisdcomedy/ 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 320 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://www.chrisdcomedy.com/ https://www.stavvy.biz/ https://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:00:57 - Revenge & Christmas Plans 00:06:57 - The Germans Always Make Good Stuff 00:16:33 - Perfect Holiday Dinner Conversations 00:23:38 - Are Greeks Whites? 00:30:40 - Let's Eat Some Tommy Bunz 00:33:35 - Christmas Gifts 00:44:09 - Greek Thieves, Bribing Kids, & Daddy Stavvy 00:52:17 - Favorite Chinese Food Order 00:59:00 - Living The NYC Dream 01:02:28 - Answering Some "Fan" Questions Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

100% Cheers. Ho, ho, ho. Merry 2 Bears Miss, everyone. Merry, Merry Winter Bears Miss. Yes, I like it. The best, the greatest holiday in podcasting. Mary Substitute Two Bears One Cavesmas, everyone.

Yes, your Christmas gift from YMH this year is you have yet another week that you don't have to listen to Tom and Bert. That's what we've wrapped up. But I am, they did, contractually, I did have to be shirtless one episode. That's what it is, yes. And we figured why, what more festive occasion than two bears miss? Yeah, contractually, you had to go shirtless and I had to remind the audience that they're poor. Yeah. Well, you had to strangle a Guatemalan outside.

You had to strangle a gardener to get in the, they're getting Tom's brain. Yeah. Dude, I can't wait. Like, we're having a good time, me and you're like, we're joking around, we're being silly. I can't wait to eventually get like a legal notice from Bert Kreischer's legal team not like what we've said about him is not okay

I feel like Tom doesn't care but Bert will kill us for this. Tom would do it Tom would secretly have it done yeah Tom would just over the course of our lives sort of like he would kind of make us you see old boy where they

spoiler forever hasn't seen old boy it's a classic he an enemy makes one of his former enemies, uh, fall in love and fuck his own daughter. Uh, I feel like Tom would do that to you. He would old boy you with one of your, with your, what would happen is he would fake your daughter's death in a car accident. Yeah. Then he would raise her. Right. Right. He would raise her in captivity, you know, make her, teacher about the Mets, teach you about stuff that you would be into. Then he would like, you would have a traumatic brain injury. Right. He would, he would,

he would make, then he would put you in, he's two car accidents we're up to. He would make you have a traumatic heart out traumatic brain injury yeah jasmine will move on everyone's forgotten you then in rehab there's this there's this half italian half latina nurse who just really takes care of you you guys there's something special about your connection you can't just put your finger on it he would make you fall in love with your daughter and then only after you've consummated it would he reveal that's for talking shit on done fucking two bears that's that's for saying that's for saying we fucking phone in the podcast. I think that's what's going to happen. Yeah, and that'll be like, like you said, take years and just over there. Bird Kreisler will just come and hit us with a baseball bat as we're

walking into a funny bone. Yeah, yeah. And then he would cry and apologize and tell us how much he loves us. Yeah, and you know what? It would be forgiven. It would be forgiven, yeah. Yeah, I would know that it's him. You know, as I'm losing consciousness, I just see jeans and flip flops and someone laughing at the top of his lungs when you just, and my last words would be like, bird, it's not that funny. I know, well, listen, I empathize. I am. People often accuse me of faking my laugh. Okay. But I really just having a good time. Yeah. I just love laughter, man. I believe that. And that's, and honestly, I'm envious to that because I don't laugh as much as you and Bert do.

And you guys are getting it out. You're getting it off your chest. Now, you and Bert need to get it off your chest because you'll have a heart attack. Yeah, yeah. So that maybe that high-pitched dolphin thing is just, like, it's something escaping his aorta. Maybe it's like, maybe, maybe that's the sound air makes when it comes out of four blocked arteries. Oh, yeah. Now, what, now, their Christmas, we've, of course, you know, in continuing with the theme of they don't care about the show, we've asked them to send in what they're doing for Christmas. We've gotten no response. So that's just the way it goes. So what are you doing for Christmas? What am I doing for Christmas? I, well, yeah, let's, well, this year, I, you know, Baltimore Christmas. My brother had a kid. I have a fat little nephew

He's so fucking cute He honestly looks He looks like a good Because my brother is more blonde He takes after My brother's blonde He had He had very blonde hair

When he was a kid And it's kind of browner But the baby is just like a fat little blue-eyed Looks like a little Chrissy day Gringo Yeah yeah yeah He's awesome

You better hope that your sister-in-law isn't on the Patreon Imagine you find out she's a hyenas fan And then we had sex had a revolutionary war re-enactment? No, not her type. No, no. Doesn't know, yeah, not interested, unfortunately.

All right. I'm sure there's others. I'm sure you've cucked other podcasters, family members. 100%. Yeah. Yeah. Chrissy Cox. We have a fat, we have a fat little baby in the family. Beautiful. So I got to go see him. In the past, in the past, I was like, my family can suck my dick. I'm going to just hang out. There's something nice about a holiday. I love the classic.

The Jews, I tip my cap to them, because, Chinese food and the movies is an insane Christmas. It's so much better because look, Thanksgiving and Christmas essentially the same meal. That's a good point. You know what I mean? And so I like to get my eating done on Thanksgiving. I like to feel like a real piece of shit. It's contained. It's in four days. That week between Christmas and New Year's, it can get real dark.

It can get real. It's like a fat heroin den in there for me. You just all the sodium, the bloatedness, you kind of, the realization of, oh, I didn't hit any of my goals from the year before. There's no goals. Zero. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're trying to, you're trying to come up with your New Year's resolution. You're like, everything has been a wash. Yes. But also, you just, you eat through your leftovers. Sure. Like you, the thing, you don't, I don't usually get through all the Thanksgiving leftovers because family splits it up. Christmas, there's, you, you eat through everything. And in fact, you then re-up more new, more new candy, more new desserts. I've gone and I've, I've, I've

bought, I bought more pies after I'm done the leftover pies because you're just like, I'm not going to get my life together on December 28th. No way. Let's keep this rolling a little bit. A hundred percent that's a no. So I like to make it, uh, I like to go out somewhere. You can't, you know, have some Chinese food. You'll have a little lomain the next day, but it's not like I have a whole roast that I'm eating for fucking 10 days. And I'll just go watch Avatar. I'll do mushrooms. Right. So you do a Jewish Christmas is what you like. I like to supplement for years I was doing a Jewish Christmas when I was just by myself in New York

and it also feels like in New York it's almost like when in Rome, when in New York fucking have Mooshu and go see fucking, you know, go to AMC 12 in the East Village or whatever, right? You feel, I feel very connected to the cultural, East Coast cultural Judaism I love, right? Yeah, I like an East Coast

Jew. Absolutely. I don't know. I don't know much about desert Jews. There's a lot of Arizona. There's a lot of... L.A. I guess it's kind of spiritually connected to New York, but I love the East Coast. I grew up in Baltimore. We had a huge Jewish. Yeah. I like an Ari Shafir Jill. Yeah. I mean, I guess he's the exception that proves the rule, actually. Yes. He is annoying. But yes, I do like him. Right. But he came from like the real shit though. He was like, Ari was like, because he grew up in Silver Spring in like, I think he's like,

if not Hasidic, very close. Right. He's got the Hasidic face. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I initially like when I first met him, like obviously he's a great friend of us, but initially like my, you You know, my German, you know, when you see a face like that, like, you get up. Like, I was on my hind legs like that because you're not sure what to do. And then you realize, like, dude, that you know, that's just old wiring in your DNA. You're not that, you know, I'm not that guy. Right, right, right. But I remember going up on, like, legs, like a German Shepherd, like, when I first saw Ari.

Do you think the German part of your family attended the Nazi rally at MSG in the 30s? Not only do, not only, not only do I think the bakery that is in Ridgewood. Right, catered it. Catered it. I remember this, but do you think any of your specific relatives were there? So here's the thing. I'm going to tell you, I'm going to look you in the eye and genuinely tell you that the answer is no from what I've been told through family stories. But what I feel in my heart is 100% of course.

My grandfather. He couldn't get in. He's trying to scalp tickets. He's like, yeah, he got a fake ticket to see Nazi speak. Yeah. That's really fucking funny. I think because you know what it is. You know what it is.

they he's waiting for Hitler to come to the tour bus to get an autograph well when I was growing up I did hear a lot about obviously you know the atrocities of World War II and all that but it never was I also learned a lot like I was the kid at 11 years old I was learning about Germany in the 1950s about how when the Nazi soldiers came home how poorly they were treated and how upsetting that was too so you got both sides yes I got noxie sympathizers so I learned about that in like the 1990s Yeah, it's not really as much of a tragedy as how we treated our Vietnam GIs. I think some of the, unfortunately...

Oh, yeah. You know. Some of those guys. Yeah, I had a couple of those guys. Some of those guys. Yeah, some Vietnam vets. Ex-Korean war vets and an uncle Korean war vet. Just absolutely, you know, go on drugs, just get a little aggressive.

But, you know, it was cool. He actually held his, he would show us his uniform when we were kids and had all these holes in it because he said he got into hand-to-hand combat with the Korean guy. Holy shit. And they was like, that's what he says. It was like knife combat. And he tells, he told us he killed a Korean with his bare hands, which is like what we

would go to bed at. He would like pet our heads. Okay, good night. Yeah. Wow. Now, I don't know if it's true or not, but I remember being vividly told. He hired a prostitute to fucking burn him with candle wax. Those of those holes are all there.

She was trying to drip it on his nuts and she got it on his fucking, she got hot oil on his fucking uniform and he just cut it out. Dude, I remember one time sleeping on my uncle's house. me and his daughter's my cousins, and we were like 10 or 11 years old, and the night consisted of, like, you know, we had some pizza. You know, it's, close. Staten Island pizza. You know how it is. Nino's on Highland Boulevard. Like, it's just, it's what you're doing. A nice cousin's sleepover. Yes, yes. So we, he put us to bed at about like eight o'clock, eight 30 to the movie Robocop. Oh, wow. Like those scenes were like he's just getting shot. Yeah. So RoboCop.

Yeah, it's a hero. I love that movie, but it's a heroin movie. But like, you know, my mother would never let me watch that stuff. So it's like we're watching Robocop. and then he proceeds to tell us while he's watching it like some scene in that movie as I was dozing off reminded him of the time he killed the Korean and the Korean War. And then I just fell asleep to that.

Yeah, that's fucking wild. It's a vivid memory of my childhood. What was he like on the holidays? So they, my family, so the way it works with me is for Christmas, I go to my aunt's house, the same aunt, it's like tradition because I keep, every year,

I tell my mom, ma, I'm a grown man now, I need to start my own traditions and I want my tradition to be every Christmas or at least one every other Christmas I take my family to Germany I want to see I want to see what a German Christmas

market looks like Are you serious? I swear to God do you want to go to Germany I want to take my Puerto Rican family to Germany for Christmas What's going on with your rebranding because I feel like for the first part of your life you were a crypto crowd You never admitted to being German

You were kind of doing the De Niro thing where it's like you're really a quarter Italian if we're really talking about it, but the name does so much heavy lifting. Right. I feel like it's an interesting time to be really doubling down on German heritage, Chris. Well, two things happen.

Ancestry.com told me that I was in fact 98 to 99% Germanic. 98? So I'm talking about it. So it's not even a quarter anymore. The Italian is almost non-existent to the point where I'm like, was I adopted or like, Dad, are you lying? because, you know, and then...

Well, that's the thing, it's not a... Your dad got cucked situation because you look exactly like your father. Yes, he's clearly your dad in the face. But then my father told me, well, you know, come to think of it, like his biological father, last name de Stefano, so there was Italian... Maybe your grandpa got cucked.

Well, he was half, his father was half German and half Italian, and his mother was fully 100% German. And then my mother, and my mother's biological mother and father were both 100% German. So that's... So you don't think grandpa DeStefellon, Maybe he was a cuck and a big German bull came in. That's possible, dude.

Maybe he heard about how mistreated ex-Nazis were. And he was like, you know what? To make amends, why don't we go over to Germany and you guys can put on your uniforms and fuck my wife? Run a train on your grandmother. And maybe that's how your father was born. Maybe your father was reparations for Nazi soldiers. See, this is the sitcom.

This is how I finally get on the air. after 10 pilots failed all I needed was stave to come in here and tell me dude don't make up your dad being in the mafia and your Puerto Rican family don't lean into that

no no no lead into the other stuff the other side cucked out by a German Nazi and this is how you ended up here that's yeah and then so I saw that writing I saw the writing on the wall too

of comedy really embracing the alt right and I said I'm getting on that train I'm going to be I'm going to be the furor of that yeah yeah it's true you could listen shit starts going bad, you could a hundred percent just become the best Nazi comedian. Well, that's what I like about

where I'm sitting right, you know, where I'm at, uh, is I could easily go into the alt-right. You know, I got the German heritage, got the, you know, hair. I have some of the bits out there. But then if that doesn't look promising, go easily lean into the Latinos, you know, left-wing, diversity. You want to be the Gary Owen of Latinos. Yes. Yes. I'm for everybody. I'm for the table. Oh, yeah. Dude, you should start talking with it, like, put on Latino. accent. Yeah. You should start fucking doing salsa at your shows. 100%. Yeah, maybe. That's interesting. You survived Black Friday,

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it used to be a rule when my grandfather was still alive that there were no politics talking, but now he's passed away and now it doesn't even seem like it's a ruling more. It's actually like the only way to get into my Christmas dinner is if you start talking about politics. That's how it's come with me. Oh, really? Yeah, and it's, and they get bad, you know, because my Latino side, you know, they start drinking coquito and if you know what coquito is like the Puerto Rican eggnog. And then, you know, you get lit off that and they're like milkshakes and it's so good. And then people and then little things start to come up, you know, somebody brings up, you know, I'm sure this year in New York City, some will bring up

the mayor. Some will bring up, Mom Donnie. And ice. It's going to start popping up. Oh, wow. Your fucking dumbass family is probably half pro ice. Oh, yeah. God, that's so funny. Well, because they'll be like, well, we're Puerto Rican, like, I'm a citizen. Yeah. Oh, the Latinos that are pro-ice. Some Latinos are like, get these Venezuelans out of here. I know, dude, I went back to Greek town, and I was hanging out with my dad, and he literally, all these guys do is hang out at this coffee shop.

Sure. And it's just a bunch of old Greek guys, and it's like, they all speak Greek. It's like, shout out to Carela's Cafe, actually some great Greek food. Shout it out. Probably my favorite, my favorite used to be Icaros, which closed down. is also very good. Zorba is very good. I don't want to, you know, I don't want anybody to get mad at me. But, uh, Cadillaz was literally just this guy.

My dad's toothless, uh, friend who used to drive a produce truck, just decided to start his own coffee shop. Yeah. And then he just started cooking for his, like, my dad just hangs out there. And he's like, hey, I'm hungry. And his friend would just make him pork chops. Yes. And then he was like, why don't I just make a restaurant?

These are the best. And then it became an incredible, it's my favorite Greek restaurant in Baltimore. Yeah. Because it's just a guy's fucking. And his kids hang out. His wife just hangs out there. It started as a money laundering operation. Let's be real.

And then the guy realized he could really cook. They were trafficking through produce. It was just like, you take three heads of lettuce and you just see, you know, four fucking teenage, you know, 14-year-old. Two girls from Slovenia. Yeah. If you get hungry, eat carrot. Only two carrots per day, though. I'm not made of money.

Yeah. But yeah. And so it literally was just all there. And I'm hearing some fucking Greek guy talking about how. They need to get Mexicans out. They need to get immigrants out. He's talking with a heavy Greek accent. Sure.

He does not speak English. Yeah. He's speaking Greek. He's making in America an argument in Greek about how immigrants need to go. Oh, yeah. And I was like, we're immigrants. You understand? Yeah.

I was like, go back to Greece. He's like, I don't want to go back to Greece. And I was like, what the fuck are we talking about? Yeah, Mexicans don't want to go back either. And then he was like, well, we came here the right way. I was like, you don't know anybody that came in through. Yeah. Because Greek people, they would come through Canada.

Right. It would come to Canada. It was easier to get in. It was just easier to get to that border. He was like, no, I don't know anybody. And the guy he was arguing with, he was like, I came through Canada. Literally, the guy he's talking to came through, was an illegal, a former Greek illegal immigrant who now is a citizen and who's like a member of society. It's like, people so quickly will forget where an immigrant that does not fluently speak the language will say, we need to get Mexicans out of here. Yeah. It's like, you came in the right way. It's like, what's the right way? You came in like a frozen, of meat going into the back of a diner smuggled in. It's a Neptunes.

You were hung up nude like a full lamb carcass in a fucking meat locker. And this is the way. Nah, dude. But, you know, with Christmas in my family too, what's not, at least your family has, it's one culture. It's just the Greeks and maybe they're a little bit.

But for me, you have, we have some honkies in the family now. Right. You know, we have, we actually have a little bit a little, a little, some, some white flavoring. Okay. Actually, there's going to be the first, so these holidays, we're doing a little blended, my, you know, my sister-in-law and like, and I... Now, when you say blended, you mean someone, because you can't, in a Greek family, blended is, that has, it can't be a black person.

That's, that's actually, right? Well, it could. But it's not, Greeks are not like that. My, I am very lucky that my, I didn't realize how, like, progressive my family was. Right. Like, my mom is actually insanely progressive to a point. were like in hindsight it was it was I was like oh this I'm I was very lucky with that and my dad is just one of those guys that like whoever the last guy he talked to that's what he believes got

it like I like when gay when gay marriage like my dad is kind of like just like playfully racist the way a fucking idiot would be you know what I mean like and and I remember and he's like homophobic he was homophobic and then like I remember when gay marriage happened he was like all right we were in the car talking he was like all right they can get married but do they have to have kids. And then I was like, hey, dad, what if, um, what, do you think a kid is better off in an orphanage or in a loving gay family? And he literally was like, I literally saw him like stroke his chin and think like a cartoon character thinks. Like I saw the thought bubbles go

boop boop boop boop and see like a baby smiling instead of being sad in an orphanage. And he was like, oh, yeah, I guess if that's the case, it's like, well, that's what they're fucking talking about. He just never considered that a baby would be better off with gay people than in fucking an orphanage. He just thought like, well, it's unnatural. Right. Right, because they could... So now he's on board. They're by the book. Greek people are by the book.

Yeah, and you know, look... I'm trying to get a little... Because look, I love my sisters-in-law. We have a couple different... We have Australian. She's from Australia, but she's an Italian-Australian girl, her ethnicity, you know. And then a white girl from Maryland who... lovely people beautiful

I love them both but I would like to sprinkle a little something in the gene pool right get something going the funny thing is about racist it's like people who do race science and talk about purity it's like if we really want to be scientific and I don't think we should I don't think we should ever judge people on

obviously their genetic traits or whatever but my grandfather would beg to differ yeah of course he's got the calipers out your grab before anybody comes in he has signed seating depending on skull size he's like okay Chris yeah he has like a shade yeah he's like

these shades are allowed but scientifically like the more diversity you have in your genes the better you are the healthier like the healthier you are the more athletic like all this other what we really should be going towards

if you were a supremacist if anyone's a supremacist they should be a beige supremacist beige supremacy that's the actual super person is like someone who's like a mix of everything and just kind of in the middle you know yeah dude but anyway I need

I just feel like last I mean last time I did two bears with Tom we were talking about that I was like maybe I could get a maybe I get an Arab lady black lady in the mix something like that see but Arab I don't know with the Greeks I don't know dude that would be nice they think about the Ottoman Empire what about that you're gonna have to get that's hard to get some role play yeah you know what I mean we do some Ottoman role play

I left up my Greek skirt the Fustanella look up a Fustanella Stanella, folks. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just have my dick out in the skirt. Oh, there it is. Look at that skirt. Yeah.

I lift that skirt up. She sucks me off under that. She's wearing, like, fucking big, uh, uh, uh, Sultan pants. Oh, yeah. The irony is, and I've said, I said this in my special. Greek people are basically light-skinned Arabs. Yes. We're the same.

You know what I mean? It's like, we like kebabs. Right. We're in the same. Are Greeks considered white? We are. Caucasian, yeah? I think we are.

And again, I don't mean to do my act, but I think it's because why you people want credit for ancient Greece. Right. Because we kind of crushed it. And the other option is just to admit, like, you know, Egypt and Africa came up with a lot of stuff. Yeah. And they're like, no, no, no, we can't.

We can't admit that, like, Arab mathematicians actually did all this shit. Yeah. So why don't we get the whitest, like, philosophers we can find and say they are white? Right. So I think we're pretty much grandfathered in because white people want to, want to say, well, you know, Plato. They want, they want Plato, they want the Olympics, they want all that on the resume. but spiritually we feel we feel more Arab to be honest yes you feel more up yeah and I

I as a you know obviously as a defender of Christianity and a leader of the New York chapter of the Crusades I I would welcome Greeks into our fold thank you only but not you're not part of the first wave sure sure sure I kind of like if we need you it's like well like well how the British Empire they kind of sought out the Hessians Cossacks yes you see us this is as like, yeah, yeah, yeah, as mercenaries that you would help. Yeah, I don't see you as full Saracens, like, you know. Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.

But I do, it's fine, like, it's not the first, like we got to get through, like, Scandinavians and Germany. Of course. But then we will, you know. And that's the irony about Greece is if you go real in the mountains, people do look kind of like, you know, like, you look like, you can get real, like, my grandmother is pale as fuck. And in fact, looks a little Asian.

Interesting. Like, because I think it's kind of like, you know, those mountainous like kind of Kazakh regions of like she, you know, Bulgaria. Like her whole, her whole family is now in Bulgaria. They fled the Nazis actually. They were communists. Well, that's like the bullshit and the irony of just culture in general. It's like whatever culture you are that you're defending tooth and nail, most likely a thousand plus years ago, that culture that you are identified fully with was just rubbed into your great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, grandfather by the people you now say you. Hey. So it's just like, there is no culture. It's like we're all just in this together. It's who you are. In fact, I was, I was, I'm fascinated by some of the stuff on my, on my, um, algorithm is like, it's all steaks. Like Matt, I believe the guy's named Max the Meat Guy. And he's just like, I love smoking, watching him smoke a steak, watching him dry age shit.

It's steaks, it's obviously huge tits. I just can't, I mean, the second I look, oftentimes I will be trying to search something on my Instagram and be like, let me go see what Chris is up to, right? Put up Chris, I'm a, I, but before I can put in Chris in the search bar, I just see tits. Yeah. And I just like, 20 minutes. I'm like, oh, fuck, what's Chris up to? And the other thing, weirdly is linguistics.

Oh, really? I really have gotten into, like, how everything is like, there's a guy who just, like, shows you how words start and how they ended up, like, where did boots come from? And apparently, but the idea of Italian, like, Italian is a great example of how fake this culture. is. Because when a lot of the first wave of Italian immigrants to New York came, they weren't even speaking what we think of as Italian today. Right. We're talking to the 1800s. Italy is such a new concept that most places spoke a regional dialect so that if you learn, like, it's kind of impossible for Italians, like, go back to their roots because what they believe, like, that kind of has been

flattened by a national Italian identity that didn't even exist when their great-great-grandfather came over here and fucking, you know. So you mean they weren't coming over here and going, we don't call it sauce, we call it gravy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That wasn't, that's not. Mucerotero. Yeah, fresh muza. I mean, literally the Italian that you just hear on the streets in Italy was not what most

Italians, Italian, like, immigrants in the 1800s spoke. They spoke a regional dialect from wherever they were from. Dude, real Italians don't even have Alfredo sauce. Of course not. That's like a thing that Americans made up. Think about it for a second. That's the most American shit of all time. It's butter and cream.

It's the most flavor. It's like the mayonnaise of pasta. It's Alfredo sauce. That should be marketed like that. It's basically like a Midwestern. It's good though, dude. Come on. Can you live without Alfredo sauce?

I've cut it out. Really? I've cut it out of my diet. You could cut out Alfredo and vodka sauce? Vodka's harder. But I don't eat that much Italian because I've found, you know, and people are going to mock me on my, on my, I am on a long weight loss journey.

Yes. But I see the big picture. It's pretty big right now, but I see it. It's huge. It's a huge picture. It is hard to go from like, it's like you can't really, you can't really like brag about losing like 60 pounds when the only reason that's possible is because you got insanely fat. Right.

Like I got to 350 and that's like, wow. It's easy to lose 60 pounds when you weighed 350. Right. Like I'm still 290. You know. You know what I mean? Like, but it is, 300, dude. I'm under three.

I'm gonna give you props on that. I'm, I'm well under three these days. I love that your weight always mirrors my cholesterol. And somehow my cholesterol is not bad. That's what I'm saying. You're healthier on the inside than I am. We'll see. I think the clock's ticking.

Yes. I have, you know, it's getting there for me. But I've cut out a lot of Italian food because it's just hard to make a low cow version of it. It's almost actually in pasta is so hard. Yeah. And that's why tomato sauce is actually pretty healthy. So anyway. This is the best vodka in the world.

You're talking to a man has put 10,000 hours into a couple things, eating pussy and drinking vodka. I'll bring my wife in if you want. I'm pretty good at the first one too. But this is better than pussy. This is the best vodka you're ever going to have. It's clean. I sleep court.

My sleep scores through the roof because of it. It tastes clean. Everyone I've given it to loves this vodka. Tom, tell them. It's absolutely fantastic. We have a proprietary distillation process. And listen, we are winning competitions. We have gold medals in various competitions.

and honestly, you, the people, are the ones telling us how great it is, too. This is not just smoke that we're blowing here. We're telling you because you're telling us, this is now your favorite vodka. So thank you. And if you haven't tried porosos, get out to the store. If they don't carry it, tell them you want them to carry it. Tell them, request it. When you go to the bar, you say, hey, do you carry porosos?

And if they say no, you go, you should. It's pretty freaking awesome. And then walk out. You know what I do? I go, do you carry porosos? And they say, no, I bring out a bottle and give it to them. I go, now you do. Can I get a bottle of glass of porosos?

That's awesome. That's awesome. But, yeah. Well, speaking to that, do you want, we got Tommy Bunz's croissants. You want to check out one of those? I would like to. What's it called again? Chichio Bamba?

Chichio Bamba, which, is that ancient Italian? Chichio Bamba. Can you see this in here? No, they can't. There we go. Look at that. Chichia Bamba. So, here, I'll get the first pick.

Oh, wow. Thank you. Come on. Thank you. It is Christmas after all. Look, we got one with spinach. a little health for the health nuts. I'm not eating that.

I'm going straight for the chocolate one. Should we split the chocolate one? No, come on, dude. We want to split one? Yeah. I'll take a bite. Oh, here. I got another.

Get out of, let me do a muck bang. Oh. All right, sorry if you have misophonia. Ah. Mmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm.

I do this ship. Will they tap this shit with their fingernails? Mm-hmm. Mm. Oh, are you a good boy? Do you want to see me eat this pan or chocolate? Oh, yeah. I'm going to take a bite of another one.

Mmm. Mmm. This will do it. Look at it, this is, if we're doing anything we can in our power, hour now to get this gone. Ooh, into the mic. Crunch into the mic. Uh huh. I'm sorry folks, it is Christmas after all. We have to take a Christmas pastry break. No, that even disgusts me. All right. What's what flavor is that? Apple. Want to take a little bite? I might have to take a little bite. Let's all right, we took, we took our half, halfway point croissant break. We'll end the last,

right, I'll take one more bite. And then after that, we'll, we'll end the episode with eating. more pastries. Yeah. But now, as promise, Oh yeah. It's got a little protein in it. I'll tell you what, though, go check this place out, because Tommy can make a hell of a freaking croissant. This is actually fucking awesome. Actually awesome, right? Yeah, we were talking shit, but sorry, Tom. Yeah, it is. And don't old boy Chris. Yeah. Don't force Chris to have sex with his daughter in 30 years. Please don't do that. Yeah, I just Not now, not with all I'm going through

So we did have some fans Write in some actual real questions for us You know what, we'll get to them in a little bit I'll talk to, I still want to talk to you I still want to talk to you about Maybe to really derail us Should we just start talking shit about all their sponsors? You know I'm down

Yeah So what do you want to talk to? to the check clears and then we can... Yeah, that's true. What are you getting your kids for Christmas? Dude, so we got, you know, the puppy, I told you. So we're going to get... We kind of feel like, you know, we're overwhelmed with this puppy.

But I actually just was talking to jazz this morning. I was like, what are we going to get the kids? And we don't have any ideas right now. No ideas. No ideas. What was your best as a child? Do you have like one Christmas that you got one gift that just fucking did it right for you? I dude I can't you're an only child I'm an only child and I but I had a bunch of cousins but I so on

Christmas it was just like packs of wild children animals ripping up gifts because my my family really did go like above and beyond like we would have piles oh wow of gifts like really truly like almost to the point where like even as a child I was like this isn't what Christmas is about yeah this is actually not what Jesus wanted yeah but I don't recall I don't have like a standout gift like And that's what sometimes me and jazz talk about, because she doesn't either. It's like, we don't even remember this stuff. So we're trying to do, like, experiences. You want a memorable Christmas for your kids.

Like the best, like the best recent gift that my kids have ever gotten from us. And my older daughter actually said this. When we, Jazz and I went to Italy, like just her and I, a little like vacation, whatever, three days we went. And when we got, came back, we brought home pasta from Sicily. Like, real, like, you know, that was made there. And we took it. and we made it as a family. And my kids still talk about how fun that was

to make the pasta and eat it as a family as opposed to coming home with snow globes and, you know, I love Italy shirts. Yeah. We don't do that. So we're like, what is the experience we can give our kids for Christmas? So that's why I'm like, let's go to Germany. Yeah.

And jazz like, we're not going to Germany. Human safari. Yes. Give your kid a fucking, didn't, or you could take them to like, can't you like shoot, didn't Nate Bargetti have a bit about you can shoot like a cow with a grenade launcher

in like Thailand or some shit. Oh, yeah, they would like that. You should take your kid. Yeah. I feel like everything I know about your oldest daughter is that she has a real, she has like a real alpha about her. 100%. And I feel like she would like to see the life leaving animals' eyes at her hands.

100%. Maybe it would be a good way to check to see if your kid's a sociopath too. Yes, my daughter is when you start to start, you know, obviously all these serial killer documentary, you're like, you know, after you watch six hours of Ted Bundy, you're like, it's kind of like my daughter. and but you know what maybe we'll do for for them my kids are right now a lot into roll blocks and all that so we'll do i'm sure we'll do something about that get her some type of roblok yearly pasting my little daughter princesses everybody's about k-pop and the demon hunters

everybody's about k-pop and the demon hunters so like tell that to your korean korean war grandfather he would lose it he fucking he's yeah he got stabbed i love that you know what i'll try to do too like i'll say like because you know they don't know the difference my kids Maybe I'll just be like, oh, you know, Daddy, I set something up. I got you girls a FaceTime with one of the actors from K-pop and the Demon Hunters. And it's just Ronnie Chang. I just threw him too. Ronnie's going to be too hard to get.

Try Bobby. Yeah, Bobby will do it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and Bobby's, yeah. All right, yeah. So maybe I'll just have Bobby call in and say, oh, yeah, that's Mira from K-pop and the demon hunters. So that. And then my stepson, I think my greatest gift I can give to my stepson is just would be to leave his mother.

and just try to have some way that I just make his family whole again, which is like, can she just get back with my dad? Right, right, right, right. So that, maybe I'll do that for him. I'll just walk away. Here's what you do. You get him a private investigator to watch you cheat on his mother. Yes.

You buy him a, here's $200, hire your own private investigator. And maybe, hey, if you catch me, you catch me. Dude. May the best man, no, you get him binoculars in a little notepad and a fucking magnifying glass. Find the clues. that I'm cheating on your mother. Yes. A little Sherlock Holmes cap.

Yeah, I, you know, teach him how to catfish somebody. Yeah, and then, you know, he can use it on me. Those are valuable lessons, man. Yeah, yeah. You end up sexting your stepson? Right. Whoops. I, you know, but we'll, for him, for my stepson, he just got a bike too.

So maybe I'll do some stuff like, you know, get some gifts around his bike. Sure, sure. Maybe get him, like, some pegs or something like that. Accessorize his bike up a little bit. And then my dad, and my dad is in, from Tampa. Nice. So I was going to take my dad to the Knicks game.

I was going to get tickets to Nick's game, but he said he doesn't want to go. He's like, I'm not watching them. Why? I don't know. I don't know. He just, as he's gotten old, he really just like is focusing in

only specifically on the Yankees and the New York Giants. Oh, he doesn't have enough time. Yeah, more. Yeah, exactly. He's like, well, he's at that age. He's like, we got to get there. We got to get parking. I'm like, dad, I can get us court side seats.

Yeah. And he's just like, even my dad's just like desensitized now. And I'm like, what the hell? I'll probably get my mom just likes, she's a simple lady. Get her gloves, get her a scarf, and really just show up. For my mom, you could, all I got to do is show up on Christmas Eve and not be on my phone. Right. And not talk to her about comedy and podcast ad revenue.

Right, right, right, right. And then she's happy. Okay. Interesting. That's cute. Yeah. And then my stepmom, just a lot of cooking, cookware, just buy her, you know, if all you got to do it, my stepmom is buy her like a spoon with her initials on it. That's it.

She loves you forever. I love that, dude. What about you? See, it's a little bit less stressful, I think, for a guy like you right now, no wife, no kids, family want to take care of your nieces and nephews and all that, but you don't feel like the overwhelming walls closing and like, I have to hit a home run for gifts. I don't at all. I don't at all.

And also it's like, you know, I don't really, like, we weren't huge, like, I'll get my, I guess I'm realizing I haven't really thought about it because the base, it's like, I'm thinking about the baby. How old's the baby? Baby's like not even a year old yet. Dude, honestly, you know, this is like, I'm not even trying to be funny. You know what's like really good thing you could do for the, for the baby? Because what do they really need that their parents open up a 529 plan for them? I don't know if your brother. Buy him some crypto? No, buy him some invest for the kids' future. You put like, you start putting money in that today. By the time that baby's 18, they're, I mean, they're going to be totally good with college. Yeah, I actually,

I actually am going to, I did put a little money for him. Right. But I'm also going to get him a who a Fisher Price hoop. Yeah. I want to, we're all, we're all very much in the like, we want him either

to be an athlete or the gayest child ever born. Sure, sure. Like, we want him to either be, or honestly, the gayest quarterback ever.

How sick would that be? 100%. He's just like, fucking throwing dimes and he's just like making out with his fucking boyfriend. No,

just picking up his twink boyfriend by the ass cheeks. Yeah, he just, yeah, he throws a touchout. He just starts blowing the wide receiver. Yeah. Just fucking helmets off just making it out.

He just bends over his tight end, starts licking his ass in the, after they score a touchdown. Yeah. Oh, it would be great. Yeah, actually, it would be, maybe it would be better for him to be a bottom. Yeah, 100%. The first bottom star quarterback. Yeah. So we wanted to be the gayest kid ever.

So it's like either, it's either going to be football or like a makeup brush. Right, one of the other. But you do something, like you do that. Show him wrestling in RuPaul's drag race and see which one he likes more. Well, I think that's a good thing that you just raise him and you say like, you know, dude, I've shown him football. But by here the way, don't be down the middle. Don't be boring. Make a decision.

Don't be some guy in fucking dockers. You know what I mean? Take a stance is what you're saying. One way or the other. If he's just like a perfectly normal guy who wears fucking polos tucked into his fucking genos. I don't want that. It's so boring, dude. I don't want that.

Yeah. And then you do, you know, you do it all. Like you donate some money into his 529, invest for him. And then, you know, but then also make sure he's got one of those shirts as a baby that says like, I love hooters. You know? Absolutely. Those things like that. Those are good.

I'm looking for some milk, you know? Yeah, yeah, suck some titties. And that's... Yeah, titty sucker. Yeah. I would love to get a shirt that says titty sucker on it. You know, it's one thing I did because I used to be in my family. Like, I would have to get, obviously, of course, for, you know, my immediate family.

But then when I go to Christmas Eve, it's all the aunts and uncles and all the adults would get gifts for each other. And I actually, you know, me, I don't like step up or say anything. I'm like not, I'm not confrontation. I'll just literally go down a path. I'll literally dedicate a whole life to something I don't want to do. That's just, you know how I am. Like, I don't even want to do stand-up. I don't want to do any of this, but I just committed to it.

So now it's like, this will just be my life. So, but I had to step up and say, I can't buy, I'm not buying gifts for like 60-year-old women. I'm not doing that. I'm fully with you there. So what I did was, and I got to give jazz credit, she's the one that came out there. She's like, what about an experience gift for your mom and your aunts? You know, their sisters, there's five of them. And I said, great.

And we got a Broadway show. Love that. We picked a Broadway show. I did a whole day for them. I said, this is the day. got you Broadway show tickets where like Broadway.com so just like a voucher

they could pick what play they wanted and then I got them a car service for the day and dinner reservations and it was that that's genius that's the type of shit I'd probably do for my mom

experience dude she doesn't like to do nice I bet your mom the same way single like I'm not my mom was a single mom but like an overworked mom they never do anything nice for them

like we got my mom massage and she was like I don't want anybody touching me oh yeah she's like I don't deserve to feel good they've been so beaten down by the world for so long that they don't like

nice stuff. We took her, like, the first time we took her to, like, her birthday dinner at, like, a non-chain restaurant, she was like, can we, can we afford this? It's just like, the burgers cost, like, $20 instead of like $16. She's like, but at Applebee's, it's two for 20. Yeah. Yeah. But, you know, I, the, what does your dad get your mom? Like, your dad seems like an old school Greek guy. Like, what is, what is his idea of a gift? Do he even even care at this point? Yeah, yeah. No, I absolutely not. They completely checked out. I mean, he would us. I remember the funniest thing he ever got us was he got us watches. Yeah. He got these like nice. I was like, well, these are kind of nice. And then you look at the, and I was like so

pumped to have it. And then you look at it. And it was, uh, I was like, huh, this watch isn't like, do I have to like, do I need new batteries? I'm not kidding. It was a sticker watch face. It was the face. It was like, his guys would come to the Greek coffee shops who then they would hawk stolen shit. Sure. One time a guy pulled up, it pulled up to it because my dad's a carpenter. he pulled up with a delivery truck full of nails. Like he was clearly going to like home deep, like pallets. And the guy was like, hey man, um,

a thousand dollars you get all the nails and I'll throw the truck in too. And it's like, I was like, I'm good, man. No, thanks, yeah. There's helicopters going over tracking the license plate. No, like guys would steal, would steal from the,

from like random dudes would steal from Greek guys' trucks and then come sell it to different Greek guys like at the at the coffee shops so he would get us like like fake polo he would get us like fake watches one time i was like i want an autograph michael jordan basketball right because i you know we're growing up sure i'm growing up right at the sweet spot of jordan i was like you know seven when the 96 run happens and they played like uh anyway whatever i don't have to explain why i loved michael jordan and it was space jam that was the big one oh big time and he was like and i said that i was like there's no way he's going to be able to get a real autograph and he was like

I'll get it for you. He was like, I will get it for you. And I was like, really? He was, and he like, he never, like, made a point to promise he would do anything. And then he just went to Costco and you know how they have like the pre-signed? Yeah. Like, it was obviously Michael, it was just like a file they uploaded. Yeah.

And it was like, here you go. The signature, I was like, this isn't the fucking signature, Michael Jordan, you piece of shit. And it's a shitty basketball. It was like the rubber ones. He wasn't like the nice one. He signed it with his own pen. It, like, ran out of ink at the end. You're like, I know that you did that.

He signed it in Greene. He signed it in Phenetic. in Greek, Michael Zordan. There's no J in... You know what, though? I appreciate that you said, too, that your father never actually made it a point to promise it to you, because once you promise,

I think about that with my kids, because my dad, when I was like eight years old, promised me that he was going to take me white water rafting one day. You want to make a whitewater rafing? And now I'm sitting here at 41 years old. Every time he calls me, there's a... You think it's the time?

It's deep in the subconscious, but there's a time where I'm like, I think he's going to do whitewater rafting. And then, I wonder if this is it. And now he's got like, you know, bionic knees. He couldn't possibly get, he would immediately be killed if he gone through white water. Have you been whitewater rafting? Never.

Wow. Because I'm like, I can't call it because my dad's going to take me. Yeah. I don't want to ruin the surprise. My dad's working on it. Yeah, but it's wild how it's like it's probably just a thought he had in his mouth in his head because I was just being annoying. And he's like, I'll take you whitewater river rafting or something.

And then it stuck with me as like, oh, that's what's going to happen. I can't wait to go. Okay. And then it just never happened. Absolutely, 33 years later. Wow. I'm still like, yeah. Yeah, I mean, my dad would promise you would be places and not show up quite a bit, but you got, you kind of got used to that. Yeah. It taught you not to trust authority figures, not to depend on anyone. Yes. You know, you have to do it yourself. My daughter is like she's in gymnastics class and she doesn't really like going. I just make both of my girls go

because I'm like you got to do something. I understand if maybe you're not going to be professional athletes but like I'm your dad. You have to do some type of sport. I can't handle it if you have to do something. Yeah. So they're doing gymnastics and my daughter doesn't want to go. The older one, the little one loves it.

And I was like, listen, if you can just go four times in a row, I'll buy you a pair of ugg slippers that you want. So she was like, okay, so she went four times in a row. And then I don't know what she did. She got in trouble or something like. out with her mom, not cleaning her room, and her mom was like, we're not buying her anything. And I was like, well, I just made a commitment.

I said, I got to go to the ug slippers. And she was like, well, she didn't clean her room, so she's not getting those down mugs slippers. So then I didn't follow through with it. This was only a couple of weeks ago. But I'm like, now I'm having a debate in my head. It's like, before I go to the airport here in Austin, do I go get my daughter the ugg slippers

and just bring them home? But then I'm going to be in a fight with my wife. Ready? Here's what you do. You buy the ugg slippers, but you say, you are not allowed to have these until you make restitution for not cleaning your room. So she has to, like, earn them back. Right.

So she earned them, and now they're in the penalty box because she got them taken away. Because now, because last week, because it was the four weeks in a row and she didn't get the old slippers on her feet, she protested and did not go to gymnastics. She held out. She held out and just wouldn't come out of her room.

Wow. So I respect her for that. Yeah, you're toast. You're never going to, she's going to outsmart you. She's probably, she's what, 10? She's smarter than you right now. Well, she already did. Yeah.

She already did. literally we wanted to get her an apple watch so she goes um so we would get you know i was like oh just buy her an apple watch and then jabs was like no we have all these old apple watches from like a couple of years ago that you know that you just stopped using or whatever and i was like okay so then my daughter calls me she's like oh we're gonna we're gonna uh put this apple watch on and i was like okay yeah do whatever you know i'm such a dumb technology idiot and then my daughter call you know because she has a iPad that she calls me on so she facetimes me upstairs from the second floor of the house like in the back away from her mom she goes hey dad we're going to put this i we're going to put

this apple watch on but just so you know your text messages are linked to that so just be careful oh and i was like wow and she was be a real shame if i saw something i shouldn't see dad so she was like so i can either a i can delete these text messages for you if i get uggs slippers on my if not you can find a new place to live my toes might be a little too chilly to press the delete that's fucking hilarious yeah so I like that the negotiating I love it dude you would be a good dad dude I think you should I think if you ever wanted to you'd be good if you want to do it yeah I'm I'm not opposed to it I'm getting weirdly to the point where I would have enough money that I could just you know Elon Musk style nut and a stranger and just have a kid um but I think no but I think

you want a loving I would like a I would love to like I would love to bring a child into a loving uh situation I was watching this show great great show called Task on HBO Mac. How great was that? So that girl with the bangs like that girl, Amelia, or the, that's the. This girl, as soon as I saw her, what's her name? The actress, go down. Amelia Jones. Amelia Jones. She's incredible. I did, I was in a movie with her. Well, I was going to say when I saw her, the way that she's dressed, you know, she doesn't look like this in Tass, but the way. No, she looks like Philly white trash. Yes, her, the way she's dressed in Tass. I literally, I said to jazz, we watched her, that girl would look good with Stavvy.

And I was like, yeah, this. This, I was like, this is Stavi's girl. This is Stavvy's wife to me. You want me to marry Philly white trash? Yes. Yes. This is like, I was like, you got to be with her. She's got to be in tires.

That's so funny. She'd be perfect in tires. Dude, you want to hear something crazy about this girl? She's from fucking England. What? I swear to God, we did a movie. She plays a Philly girl better than Shane. I know.

No, it fucked my mind up because I, um, I worked with her this summer and I knew was like this, like, bubbly British girl. And then I was stoned as fuck watching the first episode of TASC. And I see that disgusting Philly accent. Oh, yeah. She's like, oh, get me a hoagie. Yeah, you're like, what is this? Are you garbage?

Yeah, I was like, yeah. Why is he talking like H. Foley? Yeah. And that, this, that disgusting voice came out of like a very beautiful, talented actor. And it fucking fucked my head up. But they make her look fucked up. They make her look like a Philly, like Philly trash. But I think she looks hot the way she is like that.

I think that's, I don't know. I just saw that. I was like, this is the type of chick, Stavvy should be with. You want me to save white trash. That's what I want. You want me to elevate white trash. Here's what I can tell you. Because that's what I am.

I'm Greek intercity, you know, I'm sitting trash. Yeah, but you're at the top of the heap. I absolutely am. You're the top of the trash heap. Yes. King of Trash Mountain. 100%. So I think you either go with a girl like this or on the flip side, I could see you with like a real

small, tight like Filipino chick. You know, like one of those girls that looks like a kickboxer. Right. You know? Like a, but like cute and hot. Yes. I could see that. Fats shames me nonstop.

Yeah, but he watches me. Every time I pick up a piece of pork bell, she fucking slashed me across the face. Put it down! Yeah, yeah. Like that, I think. Her fucking parents just have disdain for me. Yes.

They have a nickname for me that I think means like, you know, honored son. And it actually means disgusting hog. Yeah. Like, hog in Filipino. I'm talking about like one of those hardcore Asians, like displaced from a tsunami type girl. I like that. You know what I mean? I like that.

And I like that for you. And I think that's for you going to wind up with. Okay. So either white trash. I don't see you going with a classic Greek girl. I don't see that for you at all. I wouldn't mind it, but yeah, I'm open to it. We'll see.

I've just been too, you know, I'm too busy podcasting, acting, doing everything, doing stand-up. Campaigning for Mondani. Shout out to Zoron. Yeah. The boys in the booth want us to keep the episode a little fat. They want us to talk about our favorite. What's the Christmas Chinese order is what I've been, what they've asked, which, how much time you got, brother.

Yeah, I know. Because you got to have a noodle. Sure. Let me crack my fucking knuckles here. Oh, yeah. So first of all, warm it up. We're going somewhere that has a Seshuan chicken wing. Like a spicy dry pot flavored with a Seshwan peppercorns.

Perfect. You know that peppercorn spiciness that kind of like lingers a little bit? Got to have that. Got to have a chicken wing. Got to have some dumplings in the mix. Soup dumplings I'd love. If it's not a soup dumpling place, let's get a traditional pot sticker, right? Fried.

It's the holidays. Yeah. We're not eating steam dumplings on the fucking holidays. You know, this is not. We're here to enjoy ourselves. I'm going to need, you know, just to get things started, we're going to need a General So's sesame chicken style thing, right? For the plebs.

If someone's not used to eating the advanced dishes, you'll be happy with that. I need a lo-main. I need a shrimp-fried rice. Okay. If not low-main, chalfun, the thick noodles. I like a thick noodles. Sometimes they'll have like a Singapore noodle. We'll get...

Nice, it'll beat you. It'll be with a bamboo stick. It'll cane you for spitting on the sidewalk. Yes. And then we'll go, we'll get... Some of these places have like a cumin lamb if it's like northern Chinese cuisine. Okay.

Or some kind of like steak. They'll have like a beef and broccoli you could do, but I would prefer a different type of like tenderloin beef loin beef with like, you know, just different, just a rich dark soy sauce type sauce. And I need it all, but I basically know all that shit. You know what I'm saying? I need a couple rice. I need a couple. And then an eggplant. Ooh, I didn't even realize they had that. They have this like delicious, like my, I showed my mother like this kind of, that kind of eggplant. She goes crazy. I'll do like a, uh, some kind of green. They'll have like a, uh,

got to get healthy. Broccoliini type shit. Chinese broccoli, but they'll, they'll, they'll steam it, they'll put a little garlic and shit like that. Brockorini. Yeah. I believe that's, that is the actual pronunciation. Benson Boone has confirmed that is the correct. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He just, he's on the phone with Beijing right now.

And of course, all this, all this, all this, you know, concoction, this smorgasbord of Chinese food, only way to wash that down a Diet Coke? Literally, yes. Only way. I won't, I will have a Diet Coke or I will have a Diet Dr. Pepper. 100%. I'm a big diet soda guy. The Christmas, the Christmas, uh, uh, Sprite, Cranberry.

Ooh, really good stuff. I don't even know about that one. And they have a cherry lime made. Oh, come on. What about a cream soda? When's the last time I had an A&W cream soda? I'm, you know who has great Dr. Browns? Have you ever had that? Yes, I have. The glass bottles, right? That's a great cream soda. Yeah. I don't know. I think it's a, I think it is Jewish. Well, dude, I don't, I, maybe that's why I have, I'm not familiar with it. So I don't, I, you know what's crazy, dude? And I'm being honest with you. Because what you just said, sounded succulent, sounded delicious, sounded amazing. I'm 41 years old. However many days I've been alive, 365 times 41. I can't do the math quickly in the head. It's got to be

20,000 plus days. I have had Chinese food less than 10 times in my entire life. What? Yep. Get the fuck out of here. Dude, I told you, my grandfather, World War II vet, the Korean War Vett, Asian was off the table. So how many times you had Korean barbecue? Dude, I've the most time... Once? Like, literally the... I've had Korean barbecue truly made five times, and that has all been within the last two years because Janus likes it. Oh, dude. So sometimes we'll go have some. There is something Greek about, it's primal. I mean, Greek people connect to that watching your meat sizzle in front of you. I love Korean barbecue. I love, I like hearing that Janus, despite our growing political, our evolving political

differences, Greek men can still meet in the middle when it comes to eating grilled meats of different cuisines. Dude, when my family, Chinese was like, we didn't eat any, like, the only foods we had were whatever my mom cooked, whatever Greek food, or pizza or Chinese. I didn't experience tacos. I didn't even really eat Italian food to be honest to you. Yeah. To me, Italian, I mean, obviously pizza, but the Americanized one. That is shocking to me. I fucking love Chinese food. My favorite cuisines are all from the Orient. Interesting. I love, if I had to rank them, Greek is up there, but Korean, if I, my death of a meal is Korean barbecue. Really? without question

without question but that's healthy that's high protein that's good food is it not not not the way I have it baby yeah you can I sauce it up

I get everything I see when I when they come in there I know they look at me and they think ah who's fucking gringo has no idea

what he's talking I know the one time I went to the Korean barbecue spot they like you know they bring out the meat you cook it on the you know

grills right in the table and like you know we're ordering you honest order a bunch of stuff this that and then I go

I'm looking at the menu I'm like can I get a scaliian pancake and they were like what? yeah literally the waiter was like do we have that yeah and I said yeah it's at the bottom there they were like all right and then they kind of just threw it at me here you get a seafood pancake

at a Korean place it's like a scallon pancake on steroids and they put like calomari they put fucking shrimp calamari and imitation calamari's pig anus that's what they said and I will eat it's kind of bacon I am interested in pig ain't if it's if it's like calamari because I love pork 100 I'll eat I'll eat a woman's ass anyway yeah yeah we're both ass eaters for sexual pleasure Why not culinary pleasure 100% dude Wow we gotta get a fucking Chinese Oh you probably never even had soup dumplings

You probably only have No you think they'll have China We're on the same flight going home You think I have Chinese food on the flight? I don't think so Do you think I have Chinese food In the Austin airport? Maybe you and I can eat little Chinese food

We're gonna eat it in New York You'll take me to you know good I want to I'm talking about not to go I want to sit down Chinese restaurant I know these places You know some spots? I know some spots in Flushing I know I'm getting acquainted

to the stuff in the East Village like, you know, on, what's it called? Fuck. What's that street? Anyway, there's Chinatown. There's like St. Marks on St. Marks. I'm getting more acquainted

with the Manhattan Chinese food scene. I took my mom, this place fucking noodle village, hilarious. That sounds like a slur in my name, bro. I know, I know, yeah. Yeah, what do you live down in the Yul Village? Well, let me guess. He's in fucking, Chris's new girlfriends

and from fucking Noodle Village. Look at every fucking NYPD offices Chinese, I mean, what is it? Noodle Village? Where are they holding the orientation, the Noodle Village? Yeah, come on. But it's great. Noodle Village is fucking awesome.

Yeah. Yeah, I'll take you, dude. I will absolutely take you. Yeah, well, now you're in this, I mean, dude, you're in Manhattan. You're living my dream life. Living in Manhattan, kind of just free walking around, doing it up, hanging out with the actress from Task. That's right.

It's just a real nice, what you got going on. Yeah, it is pretty good. That show's awesome, too. Shout out to Ruffalo. Oh, dude, Mark Ruffalo. Yeah, who obviously, as you. You know, politically he's with you. More with me, I was like, oh, I would hear Mark Ruffalo talk about, like, fuck this, dude.

And then I watch him. I'm like, I really like Mark Ruffalo. I'm in. Yeah, after I watched that show, I like I like Ruffalo. I also feel like Chris, I feel you have a little bit of what my dad has, which is you are stupid. 100% are really fucking dumb. And you'll listen to whoever you talk to. And you live in the suburbs and your podcast host is a contrarian conservative because now he's got to be different than what he used to be.

Yeah. No, and he's basically gone the Bill Mar route where it's like, I'm not wrong, everyone else is wrong, but it's like, you're just stupid. I don't actually think that you're even, like, that conservative. When you, I'm not, because what you, what you said, one thing that you said in the beginning of the show when you said that your dad, what really he is,

is just whoever he talked to last is his opinion is 1,000% the definition of me. Yeah. So I've been hanging out with you a lot, so I will hit the group chat and say, here's the five good things about Mom Dyer. Absolutely. Because I've been talking ill. But then.

You're ready to. redistribute wealth you're ready to you're ready to put caps on but four days from now when i've just mostly been with them i'll text you oh yeah and just tell you about actually why you know you need to get out of new york city because it's gonna burn to the ground i can't wait yeah i i the thing is a mayor doesn't really do shit i wish people i wish mom donnie would just like every annoying rich person would fucking leave and i could just afford a fucking brownstone dude yeah yeah i'll turn it into fucking it'll be like never never land it'll be awesome i'll be the one because i was would love to just have a fucking insane house in New York. No one's going to leave. Everyone

talks like shit. They're like, we're going to go. It's like, no, you want to live in fucking Florida? You don't want to live in fucking Florida. You want to live here. Fucking Austin sucks dick. Ten people have fucking ruined it. Benson Spoon was sucking dick on the street last night. Well, that was just his dined off. He was just blown off some steam before having to come in and podcast produced. Yeah, Torch cheese tacos. I, yeah, I love visiting here, But, man. New York is the spot. New York's the best.

And, of course, it's expensive to live there. It's fucking awesome. Like, you have to pay a premium to be somewhere cool. I get it. Go live and fuck. Please go live in fucking Florida. Even here, it's like, this place is cool. You know what I notice?

Everyone who leaves California, they go to the most liberal part of Texas. Are you cock suckers out in the brush? Are you motherfuckers out in West Texas? Huh? You happen to go to the only place. Dude, are you in Waco starting to cult? No, none of you motherfuckers are. You're here where they have fucking lattes,

where they've had, where it used to be. This used to be Portland in the fucking Texas. This used to be the wokenest, most bullshit town. And, oh, all of a sudden, everybody who fled L.A., you happen to come to the most liberal part. Why don't you fucking idiots go move to fucking go in the, go clear some brush? Yeah.

You know what I mean? Go fucking live with Walker, Texas Ranger. If I'm going to ever leave New York and I'm on a quest to go full conservative, I'm going to as crazy as you can get. I'm going to Kabul Afghanistan. I'm living under Tallyban law. I'm going to show you guys. I mean it.

I mean it, dude. Dude, should we read? Do you want to see? Oh, yeah, sorry. Two minutes. One of these, a couple of these questions. Sure, sure. Okay, so they said, oh, here we go.

Here's one from Brady, Tommy Ballin. He says, currently visiting New York City. What's your favorite spot for some trim and some bread? What does that mean trim? Pussy. I guess he wants to buy pussy. some bread. Bread is in like a bakery?

So do you have a bakery that you like? A bakery that I like. Oh, dude. You must. There's this. And I like it. Now, the name, just buckle up for the name. Okay.

Yes. And I'm just, before you say it or before the fans at home say it, yes, I have experimented with changing the first letter of this word and saying it in the group chat. I've done that. I'm not proud of it, but I have. But the bakery is in Tribeca. It's called Rigger Hill. Okay.

Yes. And it's an excellent, unbelievable bakery. He really did not need the preamble. You could have just said, you could have just said the name of the place. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I just wanted to get out in front of it before people started saying, you know, you said. Oh, I wonder why he likes it. Yes.

It's in Tribeca. It's Tribeca. Fantastic bakery, Rigger Hill. They have, I mean, croissants and things that you've never seen, not as good as Tommy Buns, but they have the New York style. If you can't get out to Austin, Rigger Hill Market, unbelievable spot. I love that. That's really good.

That's a trim, I don't know. Now, for some trim, you could go to West Garden. That's a nice hand job spot, a crochet from Massachusetts Square Garden. I don't know if they'll give you any trim, but they'll give you some hand jobs. That said, get a nice little body, deep tissue, and then you just get rolled over, so you got that.

Really? Is the massage good? Your massage is very good. Yeah. Yeah. I've never been rolled over, by the way. I've only gotten the full body, never anything else.

I'm a family man. Okay. So, um... You've never been rolled over, but they have made you come through your prostate. Yeah, but that's different, you know. So, oh, here we go. Yo, Chrissy and Stavi got a pitch for a show. I'd like you guys to come take over temporarily. Please text me. Then he gives out his full

number. Should we just read his number on the air? Chow, baby, from Richard Barkman. How much? How much are you paying, Richie? Yeah, seriously. Chow baby. Tom's or girls, like, oh, I can name my other bakery that. So who do you think is more likely to win their respective league championship. The Denver Nuggets or the Denver Broncos, that's actually a very interesting question. I think it's the Nuggets because, I mean, the Broncos are looking really good. Now, look, the Thunder look insane right now. 17 and 1 right now. They look really good, but I think the Broncos, there's just, they say the league or the whole league or they said the respective league, like who's going to win the

end? Because the AFC, the AFC is look, I mean, you can't go against the Ravens. A lot of teams have looked, but we haven't looked great this year. Yeah. And we are recording us a little in the future. So hopefully. hopefully we're on a 10-game win streak by then. But the AFC is down across the board where it's like the chiefs are weird, we're weird, the bills aren't playing great. Some of the best teams have kind of fallen off a little bit.

So it does feel a little like the Bronco, even the charges have been weird. Yeah. The Colts, the Patriots, it's all. But I just feel like football is so much more random. Right. That I, Yokic is so fucking good. Dude, and Yolk, the thing is Yokic is one of the best players

in NBA history. His stats are out of control good, and he does it all smoking cigarettes. You're thinking of Divach. No, but Djokic, DeVoch does, but Jokic gets boozed up and smokes, too. Did you watch... I don't think he does. No, but he gets boozed up. He does get boozed up. He does get boozed up. Did you watch the

documentary about the Olympics? I haven't seen the dock on it. A quart of gold or something like that. You know, they get knocked out. What is countries... Is it Slovenia, Slovakia? Are you thinking of Luka? Serbia. You're thinking of Luka. No, no, Luca is... Luka gets boozed up for sure.

But so does Jokic got... Yokic does, yeah. He was, Yokic was boozed up on camera for this documentary. Respect. Yeah, there he is. Respect. At Serbia, yeah. Yeah, he's the man.

Well, dude, I heard in the Olympics, what they're going to do is just put all the Balkan states together as one team and then Luca and Jokic would be on the same squad. That would be awesome. That would actually, they would beat, most likely they'd beat the USA Dream Team. I think they would. Yeah. Yeah. All right.

We would love that. We'll hit some more questions next week. Or never. Oh, yeah, that's true, too. Merry Christmas. everyone enjoy it to tom for these fucking delicious these are i wanted to shit on his bakery it's fucking awesome they really are dude he knew the way to shut me the fuck up oh yeah just get me pastries yeah well actually that's probably yeah yeah that might have been bert

this is laced dude yeah they lace it with lightning strike go buy some you fucking idiots merry christmas everyone we love you see you next time thanks so much Bert and Tom Tom and Bert One goes top The other wears a shirt Tom tells stories And Bert's the machine

There's not a chance in hell That they'll keep the clean Here's what we call Two Bears One Cave Thank you.