2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: March 3, 2025

Can’t make the 5K in Tampa? Register for the 2Bears virtual 5K at http://www.2bears5k.com Become a paid channel member of YMH to get 2 Bears, 1 Cave episodes one day early and AD-FREE here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYIgiXwJck_Pb5Nj-wIrsqg/join SPONSORS: -Visit https://tonal.com and use promo code BEARS for $200 off your purchase. -Try VIIA! https://viia.co/BEARS and use code BEARS! -Make life easier by getting harder and discover your options at https://BlueChew.com! -Download the CFO’s Guide to AI and Machine Learning at https://NetSuite.com/BEARS. In this wild episode of 2 Bears 1 Cave, Bert Kreischer flies solo—well, almost. He’s joined by the hilarious Chris Distefano for a chaotic, high-energy conversation that somehow covers everything from colon health to Benito Mussolini. Chris introduces Bert to the Yuka app and starts scanning his diet, exposing just how questionable his food choices really are. They dive into couple’s therapy, hair loss in men, and Bert’s “child in flip-flops" fashion sense. The two also get deep on career goals in comedy, grinding in the industry, and the "Luigi Mangione of Serbia". But it wouldn’t be 2 Bears without some unhinged history talk—Bert and Chris go off on a tangent about the history of currency, Bitcoin, the time Nazis packed Madison Square Garden, and the Axis Powers (because, why not?). They also touch on Florence, Italy, young people thinking Democrats are gay, and how their families keep them grounded. Strap in, grab a drink (or a Yuka-approved snack), and enjoy the show! 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 278 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:00:32 - A Colon Conversation 00:06:41 - Fun With The Yuka App 00:18:15 - Couple's Therapy 00:20:56 - Male Pattern Perfection 00:29:40 - Flip-Flops & Comedy Aspirations 00:39:29 - Famous Beef 00:43:08 - Grounded By Family & Bitcoin 00:54:18 - Are You Führer About That? 01:00:32 - The Luigi Mangione Of Serbia 01:03:14 - Florence & Fun Facts About Mussolini 01:09:31 - Comedy Hustling 01:18:26 - Podcasts 01:25:05 - Democrats Are Gay Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Fuck that, it's history hyenas. We're here, this is the history hyenas. The, what was the last time you had milk? Dude, the last time I had just a full glass of milk was probably about a year and a half ago. I just had a full, I had to go get milk from my kids and I just put it in the fridge there and I was just looking at it and I was like,

I'm gonna drink some milk. And then I drank just a full, like a full glass like that of milk, woke up about three hours later, explosive diarrhea. I mean, ripping it off the backboard of the toilet, like a diarrhea, like a cartoon, you know? Like, and I'm not lactose intolerant, but I think my body was just like,

you can't just give me all this milk at once. It's not 1953. No one drinks milk like that anymore. But I did hear though that the re- ready for this? They said two reasons why colon cancer is going up in youth. One, increased alcohol consumption. Sorry, Bert. I got my colonoscopy.

I'm clean. Oh, yeah. Let me write that down and I'll tell you my colonoscopy. I'm clean. Oh, yeah. Let me write that down, and I'll tell you my colonoscopy joke. Please, thank you. Colonoscopy's great. And did you wake up, and you weren't hard? No. Me either, dude.

Fucking our dads were wrong. Wait, you got a colonoscopy? Yeah, I've gotten two. Why? You have colon cancer in your family? No, well, here's what happened is, well, I'm 40. So they say, start getting out of 40, so I got cleaned. I was 51.

51. But I got cleaned out. This last one. I did I didn't even do the propofol I just said just shoot her up there But when I was give me a belt, yeah We went old-school wilderness So so what but when I was 35 they gave me one because what happened was I was having an anxiety attack And I took a shit that I felt looked questionable. I felt that I took a questionable shit and so I took a peek because my mom since I've been a little kid she's told me two things and two things only like on a daily basis don't do drugs big and

then always before you flush your poop you look at it and you make sure that your poop looks good. Yes. So I've been looking at my poop since I'm about six years old. That's why I don't like automatic flushing toilets. They take it away from you too fast. 100%. Like a runaway teen. Yeah, I have to try to put my hand down there and, no, no, no. So I took a questionable shit.

A QS is what we call it. And so I have a friend. I have a friend who's a dermatologist. So nothing to do with the colon. Can I send you a pic? Yes. So the colon. Can I send you a pic? So I said, can I send you a pic? Exactly what I said. And he said, sure. Expecting to see some type of eczema or psoriasis. But I sent him just a nice cold shit. And so,

and so he said, this is not my expertise. Are you sending this to me as a friend or for my professional opinion? Well the thing is I'm calling him a friend but I didn't even know him that well. I had his number because I booked him on ZocDoc a couple of weeks before. So and he said, okay, he said it's not my expertise, he said but I would agree with you that it does look questionable. Because I said to the doctor, I said, is this a questionable shit? Right away.

And he said, it does look questionable. So I made an appointment with a gastroenterologist and I showed him the pic and he said, look, I don't know if that's a filter, it could be just the lighting, I really don't know. He goes, but. Wait, you had swiped to put a filter on it, you were posting on Instagram. Yeah. Like it was a snap. It was this Seppa

back in my Snapchat days. Is this low pro? Is this Paris? So, so, so he says, let's, let's take a look. Let's take a look. And I said, great. So we do it. and then I wake up and he's like, um, and he's like, you know what? I'm happy that we took a look you would have been fine But you did have two polyps and those polyps could have grown and would have grown and maybe there would have been cancer Maybe not you don't know but we clipped them. So now you should be good for five years So we said come back in five years. So I went. Five years? I got seven.

He told me you got seven years? I had three polyps. You had three polyps and he told you seven years? Why did I get five for two then? I don't know, man. What the fuck? Where did you get yours done? I got mine done in New York.

Maybe my clinic was running a deal. Maybe we were doing a promo. Did you put it in the promo code? I put it in the promo code. Yeah, this promo code bustin'. Yeah. No, wait, no, mine was five, he said, I found three polyps, he told me when he woke me up,

he was like, I found three polyps, I wouldn't worry about them, we're gonna do a biopsy, I'll let you know, and then he DM'd me, and he said, hey man, they're all clean, you don't have to be back for another seven years, and then I DM'd back, what should I wear? Yeah. And then he said, I can't tell you that

because I'm not certain I'll be your doctor. And I wrote back, yeah, but I've only let one man inside of me, I would like a commitment. He never replied. And he never replied and he just left it on rent. See, why doesn't anybody have any fun anymore? Dude, I was just talking, the guy's like, well, hold on, let's go back to milk.

So your mom said two things, don't drink. She said, don't like no, hold on. Let's go back to milk. Yes So that your mom said two things don't drink She said don't know she said don't do drugs She said always make sure you look in the toilet bowl before you flushed on your pooper How's this have to do with fucking milk because what I because what happened was is we started I told you I drank milk and I had explosive diarrhea after just one glass of milk, even though I'm not not lactose intolerant Yeah, because typically I honestly think the last time I had milk before that glass is I sucking it straight out of the titty. No, I, dude, I have, my dad had a problem with milk. Like he would drink a gallon a day. My dad drank so much fucking milk. I drank, I love getting vitamin D, the red milk. You

know the vitamin D one? Yeah. Whole milk? By the way, I remembered why I brought up colonoscopies, you know the vitamin D one? Yeah. By the way, I remembered why I brought up colonoscopies, because of the milk, I'm sorry. Keep going. Alcohol consumption, what scientists think is alcohol consumption on the rise is causing colon cancer and milk consumption on the low.

People are drinking less milk because they think calcium fights against colon cancer and alcohol fights for it. Alcohol is team colon cancer. Is it really? Call the doctors, they fuck, and they fucks with colon cancer. I always thought, so wait,

so wait, can they tell what causes cancer? They, well listen, most likely, the reason colon cancer's on the rise is because of the additives in the food. You know that Yuka app? Dude, this app, dude? go get the Yuca app. You start scanning shit. Do you have like food here?

You have like packaged food? Bring me a package of some fucking food. Is someone listening downstairs? I need a Yuca app and I need a bunch of the food that I eat all the time. Yes, I have the Yuca app. Just bring me up some packaged food. We're gonna start scanning shit

and you're gonna start to be horrified at what's in the food. I want those protein chipsified I want those protein chips. Yes, bring those in. Nothing that's a sponsor. Yes, exactly Yeah, I'm liquid death in the fucking case. Yes liquid death should be good and anything I've scanned on hello fresh. It's amazing I'll tell you what I We should bring on sponsors and just ruin all our relationships. Well dude, I just did a podcast before and if they're a sponsor, edit this out, but they was all sponsored by Celsius.

I scan that Celsius and Youk app told me hell fucking no. They said Celsius is like a 20 out of 100. So wait, what's Youk? So Youk, the app, Y-U-K, Youk is an app that my girl got, like my family, my wife, she's like, we gotta start scanning our fucking food. Okay, hold on. Okay. Keep going.

Yep. So we got the Yuca app and she starts scanning shit and like, for example, you scan Entenmann's doughnuts, which I know doughnuts are not healthy. Everybody knows that. But when you scan Entenmann's doughnuts, a possible score, like spinach gets 100 out of 100. Entenmann's gets a zero out of 100

with 10 additives in there that all cause cancer. The redder the additive, the more it causes cancer. You know, I didn't need this app to tell you that spinach isn't gonna be healthier than Entenmann's donuts. But I knew, no, but see, but then there's other things, like a protein bar. I was just at the Coffee Fix Bagel Store in LA yesterday, and I went to go get a protein bar with my egg sandwich.

And I scanned one protein bar, one flavor, the same protein bar. I scanned one flavor. It got a 30 out of 100. And the other flavor got an 80 out of 100. Let's bring it in. Oh, shit, Chad. It's about to get scanned.

Oh, just start with cheese with. Start with cheese with. Easy cheese. I'm going to scan this. I do this a Chad. It's about to get scanned. Oh, just start with cheese whiz. Start with cheese whiz. Easy cheese. Cheese whiz, I'm gonna scan this. Easy cheese, I do this a lot. She's good, I scanned her, she's good. She's 100 out of 100. Easy cheese.

Here we go. Cheese whiz. Oh my god, a two out of 100. Holy shit, easy cheese pasteurized, two out of 100. Additives, five additives, too high risk. Oh my god, look at these fuck, sodium phosphate. This additive contains phosphorus, a minimal whose current intake exceeds recommendations, have a harmful effect on the kidneys, an increased

risk of cardiovascular disease. Calcium phosphates could be present in nanoparticles, increased cardiovascular kidneys. I mean, so this one's fucking out. The other day, let me tell you the meal I had with this. I had an Oscar Mayer wiener with a Twinkie as a bun, cut in half with this on top. Amazing. It was so good. I guarantee you, I haven't been home, but I guarantee you that was my three-year-old's exact lunch.

But dude, so what I like about the UCAP is they give recommendations. So this cheese whiz can go fuck itself, but then we got what's better. You ready for this? Yeah, how about this? You want a cheese? I'll tell you what cheese get the organic pasta for cheese from organics 82 out of a hundo And that's got no additives. All right Yeah, let's get which one which one do you think is possibly gonna be good?

Which one out of these do you think is healthy quest quest? Here we go. Let's fucking see 16 out of a hundred so bad dude. Let me tell you something. They're not a sponsor, right? I think I just buy them to their keto dude the additives are fucking crazy the sodium's through now I'm saying all this but also I will tell you full disclosure I ate a toasted blueberry muffin with butter on the way here and I and and there was no spark Oh, so I couldn't scan it. So I I just threw that puppy back but this has calcium carbonate This has all these things linked to cancer linked to heart disease. So 6900 Let me just give you a recommendation though. You know, what's a better one? You ready for this?

You think these protein ones are good what they're suggesting you eat are the harvest Frito-lay chips. Those are 51 out of a hundred because they have no, cause they, they're all about the ad, like they, they're what they're doing is in order to get you low additives and that's what causes it. Cause the calories and the, you can burn all that shit off. All right. Nerds will be good.

Nerds will be healthy. Let's see what nerds are. I guarantee you if nerds even gets one point, I'd be shocked. Nerds is four out of a hundred I mean get these the fuck out of here. Hang on zero carb. Let's go. Mission tortillas. I fuck with these 24 out of a hundred folks. Not bad considering my diets been in the 18s Not bad since it's it but it's got 10 additives these six of them are high

risk that are directly linked to cancer. Go mayonnaise. Fucking come on mayonnaise come on mayonnaise you're on everything. Come on let's go mayonnaise. This is a 15 out of a hundred. Jesus Christ. This is a 15 out of a hundred. Do I eat anything above 50? No let's see light. Come on tuna fish. Come on let's go. Let's see if tuna's good. Come on tuna. Tuna's a 90 out of 100 folks. Star Kissed, fuck yeah Star Kissed. Absolutely, promo code Star Kissed. Star Kissed just sent me so much tuna.

Tuna's good. They sent me a box of this because of the Matthew McConaughey interview. Yep. Fuck yeah Star Fish. Excited to tour the UK and Ireland coming up. I'll be in Dublin, March 15th. Belfast for two shows at Waterfront Hall on March 16th first show is sold out we added a second show

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I'm so glad you know coconut mix 17 out of 100 folks. See ya fuckin' later. Yeah, go fuck out. Here, let's do raisins, everyone's favorite American treat. Let's see fuckin' raisins. If they didn't have a barcode. This doesn't even have a fuckin' barcode. Get it out of here. Oh, edamame.

The Japanese are healthy. They live forever. Let's see what the Japanese are doing. Unless it was war work. Exactly. Japanese, 51 out of 100. It's not bad. I'll eat it.

Not bad. 50 and over and it's good. It says good. It's green. But. Japanese, 51 out of 100. It's not bad. Not bad. 50 and over, and it's good. It says good. It's green. But dude, can you believe that? I'm getting that Yuka app. I won't read it out. Come on, LD. Come on, LD.

Liquid Death, 100 out of 100, folks. Fuck yeah. Let's go. Drink your Liquid Death. It's mountain. Yeah, it's mountain water. It's still drinking water. God dang it.

I'm going to get into this. I'm going through my whole thing. Dude, you get the Yuka app, and I'm telling you, but the only thing, don't scan alcohol. You don't wanna see the alcohol. As a matter of fact, when you scan the alcohol, it just says, you know what you're doing. That's what it does, I swear to God.

It goes, wah, wah. It goes, you know what you're doing, and it won't give you a score. For real. Swear to God. So how much alcohol do you drink? Me? Yeah.

I drink, well, I actually, two weeks ago, I realized, because I drink, well I actually two weeks ago, two weeks ago I realized, because I'm not usually a big drinker, but two weeks ago I realized, I just thought back and I drank 31 days in a row. But not drinking to get drunk, I just had a drink. Yeah, me too. You know what I mean? I just had a little cash drink.

Me too, yeah. But so I've been trying to not drink as much, but I gotta be honest with you, babe, sometimes it's nice to just have a little wine, it's nice to have a little fucking tequila. Come on. You know what I mean? I like to just have that. Little vodka. Little vodka, just a sip, just a taste. Because it's either that or I eat a little wine. It's nice to have a little fucking tequila. Come on. You know what I mean? I like to just have that.

Little vodka. Little vodka, just a sip, just a taste. Yeah. Because it's either that or I eat a fucking muffin. And the Youka app's gonna tell me, don't eat the muffin. I'm trying not to drink tonight. Okay. You just literally told me you were gonna drink

before couples therapy, which is in 50 minutes. Well, no one brought me one. Right. When I went to first couples therapy, I said, I'm not a deal breaker, but I need to know, is it okay if I come in here drunk every now and then? What'd she say?

Of course, 100%. She goes, why wouldn't you? She's a good therapist. She goes, I would love to, and then Leanne was like, please, I would love to see what you got when you was drunk. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I've been doing, we're doing, I've won two, we've tied on two, I think.

Yeah, it's good. That's good. A couple of therapy, yeah. You did it? Yeah, we got a couple of therapy. It really helped us a lot. It was Rocky at first because the couples therapist after knowing us for a couple of weeks was like,

maybe you guys should, maybe, is there an idea of like entertaining a possible open relationship? Is that possible? Wait, okay, can you? And I swear to God, I said, I'm not, no, I don't wanna do that, that's not at all. And then she's like, okay, but then I said, but just to ask some follow-up questions,

what does that imply, you know what I mean? Do you wanna, what does that mean? And then it was just silent, and then as soon as we left that fucking therapy session, I mean, my girl was pissed. She was like, follow-up questions? What's the fucking follow-up question? And I was like, I don't know,. I mean, my girl was pissed. She was like, follow up questions? What's the fucking follow up question? And I was like, I don't know. Because I just, I think I thought that

I got a little nervous about like, okay, one woman for the rest of my life, woman for the rest of my life. So I just got frantic, but now I'm calm. Now I'm good and I'm like, this is good. This is good. You want one woman and we got a beautiful family. We got engaged now.

So yeah, okay. So I've always been confused because I listen to clips of the podcast on Instagram or on YouTube stories or YouTube, and I go, wait, are they together, are they broken up? Right, honestly, sometimes we didn't even know. And sometimes we were just getting, we were out of control, but now we are fully together.

Yeah. We've committed. Yeah, it's just good. I want it to be that way. We got a family, we got our kids and we've been good. Now we're engaged. And I say wife, I say we're married, but not technically married yet, but Puerto Ricans, they said, as long as you're engaged, you're fucking in. That's what it is. So we're going to get married. We're going to do a Puerto Rican song, get married in my backyard, which is, that's how we roll and so and so but it's fun. I like you know what it is I feel great being committed to it because then it's like it then it's like you just focus like you just say I got my I Got my family. I got my wife

I got we're gonna do my career and well and this is great and the family's happy and everybody's happy and I'm like Oh, I was just scared of the commitment and that's why I was in therapy for years because I couldn't commit to anything girls My career my fucking hair. I just couldn't commit and it's and it's exhausting to not commit. It's literally exhausting Fucking your hair is exhausting. You like that dude job, man. What's that? Like what just have that much hair, dude I just well, you know, all my friends are bald. So I just spiked these puppy up I just I just did it up, and it's good. And also, I'm scanning my hair products on Yucca. I only use fucking 50 out of over 100 hair products.

Are you serious? Because the creams, all the creams and lotions. You can do lotions on Yucca? Dude, the lotions that you put on your body, some of these things are one out of 100. Some of them are just pure fucking cancer. Some of them are like you literally might as well just move to Chernobyl.

It's like you're literally rubbing yourself down with Chernobyl juice. But the Yuka app saves. I'm Chrissy Avino, dude. Avino's good for you. I want to get this new. I just got a new face lotion from Dr. Diamond. Oh my god.

OK, yeah. That is not going to get a good score. Oh, I bet. Dr. Diamond? Someone get me my Dr. Diamond lotion. Oh my god. It's not gonna get a good score. Oh, I bet. Dr. Diamond? Someone get me my Dr. Diamond lotion. Oh my god. It's like $500. Dr. Diamond, it sounds like it's somebody in Trump's cabinet.

Someone bring it up, but bring it up the way it was presented to me. Yes. Give the whole presentation. Can we scan Dr. Diamond on the pod? Buddy? Yes. I hope it goes big.

I'm thinking about, what do you think about men getting plastic surgery? Well, what I think about men getting plastic surgery is I think we shouldn't do it. Just like I think men should never get paternity leave money. I think a man who goes on paternity leave, I think men who go on paternity leave are- Look at this, look at this.

Yeah, let's see, let's see this. Look at this guy. This is, oh yeah, you mean this? I'm gonna scan this. Then, okay, Dr. Diamond, hang on. Go ahead, go ahead. Dr. Diamond, Dr. Diamond, hang on. Go ahead, go ahead. Dr. Diamond, Dr. Diamond. Turn on your skin.

Dr. Diamond is the best plastic surgeon in all of LA. And I don't know why he sent me this. Feel this, feel this, it's magnated. Dr. Diamond, they said, is the best plastic surgeon all of LA and he spells medicine, M-E-T-A-C-I-N-E. I think it's a branding Wait, where's the end doesn't have a barcode. I don't have a barcode Well, how does up look I'd already got Kaludu plum raspberry oil face mist. It's it just scanned something

Might be the mayonnaise. Yeah, it literally thought wait. I literally face mist just popped up. Hold on. It's just scanned it. Hold on No, I don't know there's no fucking barcode on it. Yes high-end. It's got high-end shit Biomatic hey, you know what? Dr. Diamond's medicine. Let me let me let me write him in. Okay, I'm gonna write him in hold on He hit me. He sent that to me. And then I thought, is it OK? Dr. Diamond's medicine plasma. That's what this is called. I think that is. 49 out of 100.

So it's poor. It's not bad. It's got phenoxenthenol, which is a moderate risk, which is just a potential allergen. But it's actually, this one is mostly green. Fucking Dr. Diamond. Dr. Diamond actually came through. Dr. Diamond actually came through Dr. Diamond actually came through with uh, I'm surprised by that

Dr. Squatch is the better doctor. They're saying here. Dr. Squatch. They're saying dr. Squatch is excellent Dr. Diamond's poor. That's what they're saying. Okay. Well, I'm gonna err on dr. Diamond Yeah, Squatch is the one you get in target, right? Squatch is the one to get in target But Squatch is the one you get in Target, right? Squatch is the one you get in Target, but Squatch is the one Joe Rogan uses on his pits. For real. Joe Rogan, when I did the show a couple of weeks ago, he, me and Janice went on, his trainers went on and he told us to smell his pits and and because he said that he's scentless and we smelled this Dr. Squatch armpit juice and it was fucking awesome. So I could see why this is a hundred. This is Rogan pit approved. Dr. Squatch. Yeah.

This is good, dude. See See this will go in my ass. That, look at that. Oh my God. So I had a debate with my wife and my parents. So I was thinking everyone's going to get hair transplants. Everyone's going to Turkey. Everyone's going to Turkey. As a matter of fact, Ari is just texting me and said,

I would like to make a group trip for all of us to go to Turkey together. They will fucking kill Ari in Turkey. That is the enemy of all enemy. I mean, they couldn't think of a worse person. I think historically someone did kill Ari's types in Turkey. I mean, yeah. They are actually waiting for fucking Ari

to turn him into Turkey. They're gonna put him under, he's gonna wake up and they'll be like, it'll be just like the old, the mendela. Yeah. Was it the mendela? Yeah, dude, Ari's gonna be fucking packaged and scanned on the Yuka app after he goes to Turkey God, I hope somebody kills Ari He's so great just watch him go to hell. Oh, it would be it was just comedy

All his fucking jokes the um But I was I was debating with Leanne about plastic surgery, about getting your hair done, or getting like a CO2 laser treatment, any of that shit. And there was, Leanne's theory about all of it is, you wanna age because you've earned those lines, you've earned that, that shows the life you've lived. It's a gift to get, she's like a rock in an ocean that the waves just hit every fucking day.

And one day it's just sediment. Maybe that's a bad example. I agree. I see what you mean. Leanne is a rock in the ocean. Yeah. And she goes, do not get hair transplants. Leanne is wet. Leanne is... Yeah.

But what do you think about, if you found out a guy got Botox or got collagen in his cheeks. Here's what, here's what, whatever you want to do. Your body, your choice. Whatever you want to do. When guys don't start to get Botox and it just makes me think you're a little insecure and the thing that scares me the most of any and the person I want to be around I mean the fuck and least in my, is an insecure man.

Oh no, insecure men, by the way, I am probably pretty insecure. Yeah, but you're not though. But I'm insecure comedy heavy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm insecure and the thing I do is I lean towards comedy and that's my makeup and so it's okay. Yeah, you're a hundred out of a hundred on the UCAP.

You're balanced about, you're good. You won't catch me looking in the mirror too much at myself. You won't, no. But I'm talking about like a guy who's getting like collagen and Botox, it's just weird, it's just because the insecurity of, it's like we're guys, dude.

We're supposed to eventually just look like our balls. And I just believe that. At the end, you look like a testicle. I'm gonna almost spit. Right? Yeah. That's what it is, you go back to what the creator is if you're fucking set.

Yeah. So I don't wanna do any plastic surgery like that. I'll put product in my hair. I'll try to look relatively presentable. I'm going on Jimmy Kimmel tonight. My whole office from Zara. You boy don't fuck around. Shout out Zara.

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The guide is free to you at netsuite.com slash bears. That's netsuite.com slash B-E-A-R-S. So. I almost wore a collared shirt for this today because I'm at a point where I go, I think I dress like a child. Right. Like I dress wore a collared shirt for this today because I'm at a point where I go I think I dress like a child right like I dress like a child, but it's fun It's you I know but like I get I get start getting like in my head about like Should I should I be dressing and acting like a 52 year old right like no?

Sandler sure as hell doesn't he does and look at him and anybody's got like a style right? You have a style you do you fuck no shirt jeans No, sir. You're the only guy you're the all I've said this before You're the only man who I genuinely like who wears jeans and flip-flops most men who wear jeans and flip-flops I want to walk out to him and say if you think your wife's not cheating on you. You're mistaken There's no way she's turned on by seeing your fucking toes Okay, why you but you New York guys are not a fan of bare feet. We, I hate, no, but the thing is, you,

I don't know what it is, you're just the guy and everyone's, you just, the way you do it, maybe because it's, you're the opposite of insecure, you're confident with it, and I'm like, that's just Bert being Bert. I mean, you're barefoot, you know what I mean? We come in... I'm barefoot right now. You're barefoot right now, dude.

You make me want to take my shoes and socks off, and I like that. But I don't like a sand in. I'm barefoot right now. You're barefoot right now? You make me want to take my shoes and socks off. And I like that. But I don't like a sandal. I don't like it. I don't think it's, the last thing I want to see is your toes moving. So when you and your wife go on vacation, you go to the beach.

Do you put on socks and sneakers? She's Puerto Rican, so she wants to go to the beach a lot. And I will, I refuse, yeah, I have sneakers on. And I'll take the socks off usually. And I'll just go, I'll fucking, I'll put on slip on skechers. Like my dad, I'll put on water shoes.

The last thing you'd see is my feet, dude. I hate my, it's just gross. For real? It's just, well, it's just like, I'd almost rather, I'd rather literally, for me it's, if you were like, what's gayer? For real, what's gayer? A man's foot on your, a man's foot on your a man's foot on your face

Or his balls on your nose I would say his foot on my face because the balls on the nose is like that's just high school getting tea bag Yeah, shout out coach current. Yeah, but but camp 1987 yeah, but but the sandals I think it's just so you're for Florida guy. So it's in New York Nobody would be wearing jeans and sandals when I first moved to New York I wore a pair of Kino flip flops. Kino is like the Florida flip flop. You get them in Key West.

They're made out of tires by Cuban women. They cost like $10 and they last forever. And I wore Kino flip flops everywhere and my toenails were painted. And we're talking 1999. And I would go on stage and Puerto Rican dudes would just be like, what the fuck? I remember there was a Dominican guy that told me I need to put socks on.

He was like, you need socks on those. Well, Dominicans do that. That's the difference. When you're a kid, you learn Puerto Ricans will wear sandals with just barefoot and Dominicans throw a sock on and put on a sandal. So I go, if anything, I lean towards Dominican, even though my family's Puerto Rican, but I do have, if I'm going to put on sandals, it's Dominican style. Yeah. Are your kids more Puerto Rican or more Italian? More Puerto Rican. They're family's Puerto Rican, but I do have, if I'm gonna put on sandals, it's Dominican style. Yeah.

Yeah. Are your kids more Puerto Rican or more Italian? More Puerto Rican. They're the most Puerto Rican. Do they look Puerto Rican? They look, now my daughters are starting to look real fucking Puerto Rican. For real?

Like real deal Puerto Rican dude. My nine year old is fucking just a tattoo on her tit. And so, they're starting to look real deal, bro. That clip we did a long time ago. And so, and so, there's starting to look real deal, bro. That clip we did a long time ago. Oh yeah. And we were talking about, you were like, I'm just, I think you got emotional. I did, I started crying.

And then I started crying, and that was like the, I think that was the first out of many times I started crying. Yes. That was like my first, where I was like, cause I got, I was like, I was, I never was like, because I was like, I never would cry, because I was like, people are gonna think you're weak. And then I got such positive feedback from that one clip.

I was like, that's how I met Izzy, Israel Adesanya. Oh really? He DM'd me about that clip. He goes, dude, this is powerful shit. You and him having this conversation is strong, man. I can't wait till you come to New Zealand, I wanna see your standup. And I was like, okay.

But that has, how has that has that been like that clip with no with working and Being around for your kids. So so what it's been now is is is is I've I now like I just have a rule I only go away Two weekends a month max or sometimes one if I can make enough money to justify one. It's just one So I'm just like I just for me, but everybody's different for me I'm just like the guy like I don't want to be first of all I get very uncomfortable leaving the original 13 colonies to begin with I'm an original 13 guy I'm fat big on the founding fathers. I believe in their version of America, which is the fucking original 13 poppy

Does it include Florida can make a lot of money into just those 13. Well, that's what I'm trying to do. I want to go back on just the original 13 Colony tour. And I like, I like- Chrissy's the session? Yeah, dude, Chrissy the fucking patriot. And so I, sons of Liberty Chrissy, so I like coming out to California and all these places, I really do,

but I just want to be close to my family. It's just how I am. Comedy for me, I love doing it, I really do, but I just wanna be close to my family. It's just how I am. Comedy for me, I love doing it, I really do, but I was never the guy that knew the history of comedy. I didn't watch any comedy movies, I didn't know. I just started doing it as a goof. I was a physical therapist. I fucking did an open mic at the Maui Taco,

but I was a physical, like fully, that was my life. And then I just liked it, and then very quickly got on MTV, and then shit just started going, going, going. And now it's become like the whole career. And I'm just like, been lately questioning like, is this actually what I wanna do though? I don't know if, I think it is, but I'm like, I don't know. Cause like, I see guys that fucking love it.

And I'm just like, I don't know that I do. I love it. I like having fun. I'm having fun with you right now. But it's like, do I love it? I don't know. I've never been, I don't know that I do. I love it. I like having fun. I'm having fun with you right now, but say do I love it? I don't know. I've never been I don't know like I'm very very very very very comfortable being in third place Like I have I'm Bert when I mean zero I'm talking about fucking zero out of a hundred on the Yucca app desire to be the best ever

Dude, I don't want be the best. That would suck. I felt the same way you did for a very long time. Yeah, but look at how big you are now. No, but I think what happened with me is I've, you get, I mean, this is exactly what happens, is you take on a responsibility like a movie where you're the star of it, or a TV show, or a tour, or you create a tour,

or you do an arena tour where you had no, that was never my goal was never to try to be like a fucking, you know, ah, I wanna be the fucking man. I remember Schultz came on my podcast and when I backed it out of my house, my old, old house, and I was like, so what's the goal? And he was like, to be the goat. And I was like, what?

And he was like, I'm coming after Chappelle and I'm coming after Bill Burr. And I was like, I remember hearing that going like, oh I just hope they think I'm funny. Yeah, yeah, I don't have that in me at all. I didn't need it. But what happens is you start doing bigger things and then all of a sudden you have to,

it gets out of control. It gets totally out of control and you have 15 people working for you and you've got a vodka company and a 5K and a summer festival and a cruise and an arena tour and a movie and a TV show and another movie and three movies in development you're writing another movie with another guy and then you're like wait I don't know what did what did I get into this for? It's almost like you go like what were we talking about? Yeah. And you're just a little lost and I

think it's cool that like you and Stavi are the two people that I look at where you guys completely have no issue stepping back and getting off the merry-go-round. I have two very, very, very specific goals and I've had them from the beginning. One, my first goal was to have a sitcom about my father, like On the Air and My Family, so that's in development right now, so God willing it goes, but that's like a goal that I'm really trying. If this one doesn't work, I'll try again because it's very specific.

And then the second is to headline Madison Square Garden because I'm from New York and I'm doing that September 11 2025 I'm doing the garden on September 11 yeah isn't that fucking wild dude? Presale Codes Hamas. You're doing look at that fucking garden. Look at that. Garden, for real, for real. For real, for real. Yes, Ron Funch commented, nice. Thank you, Ronnie. Appreciate that.

Shout out Ron Funch. Ron Funches. But yeah, I'm doing that. So this is what I... So for me, and it's not about being the goat, which I respect Schultz doesn't... Hold on, hold on. You realize that if you headline Madison Square Garden you're putting your name in the hat. That's what I mean so on it

but that's the thing for me is that I couldn't like here's you wanted to know my career for real for real I'm doing Madison Square Garden headlining the arena September 11 2025 September 19th your boys doing the Milwaukee improv. And I'm not gonna sell it out. And that's just what it is. And so, but in New York, which I've only ever cared about, you know, I just- You are so, you are such a New York comic. You give two fucks about the rest of the country.

I fucking care. I mean, shout out Milwaukee, shout out Jeffrey Dahmer. But I literally, I literally, my goal has been, so I've worked up the chain. You know, you do the venuesie shout out, Jeffery Dahmer, but I literally, my goal has been so I've worked up the chain, you know, you do the venues, Town Hall, then the Beacon, then Radio City, then the theater at MSG, and now they put me on the big one, and this is to me, like how like making it,

like the go, that's what it is to me. For me, it's not about the other stuff, it's I just wanna be big in New York. And so that's my goal. And the tickets are, the tickets, we're on sale right now, ChristyComedy.com. So come see me September 11th, 2025. I have the September 11th story that I've told

that's like my mini, mini, mini machine. It's a great story. It's like the thing that I'm known for. I'm gonna tell that at the end. And then I got special guests coming out. And we just thought of you Know we were gonna do this Anyway, but I was like I want to give I was gonna give like money till I was gonna give like money to like a

9-eleven foundation, but now what I want to do is I want to just give like 500 tickets to like first responders That's a better move. So we're gonna just do that as opposed to a foundation Gets lost in the fuck. I want the first responders. I want the first responders there. So everyone. My class like dude my like Montreal just for laughs class was fucking nuts. It was like Hassan Minaj, Michael Che, Sam Morrow, Mark Normand, fucking Brooks Whelan. There's like some but there's other people that I'm like forgetting that are like it was like one of those Montreal classes. There's like some, there's other people that I'm like forgetting that are like, it was like one of those Montreal Clans, so I was like, holy shit balls.

Famous, famous. Oh yeah, dude. Shane, Schultze, they know like, They know everyone. Like I was at the Laker game with Schultze, we were sitting next to each other, it was great. And you know, just get recognized, you know, obviously by everyone.

But then, you know, like the coach of the Lakers is JJ Reddick and like they're walking by and like, JJ's like, oh, what up Schultze? And it's just like, oh, you're just like friend, like the coach of the Lakers is JJ Reddick and like they're walking by and like, Shajah's like, oh, what up Shultz? And it's just like, oh, you're just like friend, like you just know people. I'm still not that, like I'm not even, I'm not saying that I'm not like that, but I just, I'm always shocked if a celebrity knows me.

Sure. Like how many times I've said to people, you know my name? Right. And they're like, yeah. And I'm like, shut the fuck up. Yeah, yeah, I know it's a weird, it's a weird, I mean, but yeah. I mean, you, but I guess,

because you can't see you from the outside. I can't. We can see you. I would assume that they couldn't see them from the outside. Right. Like I'm always shocked that Shane is as comfortable with his fame as he is, because I remember when he wasn't famous.

Right. I remember, what's crazy is I remember trying to introduce him to Diplo, and he was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, just don't, just don't. He was so uncomfortable. I remember trying to introduce him to Guy Fieri, and he was like, I'm good, I'm good, I'm just gonna stay in the back.

And I was like, okay, that's Shane. Last week, I see a picture with him, Guy Fieri, and Diplo. And I was like, oh. And he's like, totally casual. Sure, because, you know, but he's remained who he is, which thatieri and Diplo. Yeah. And I was like, oh. Just hanging out. Yeah. But he's like totally casual. Sure. Because, you know, it's, it's, it's, but he's remained who he is, which that's what I love about it. And you want to talk about penises.

You ever seen Diplo's dick? No. Pull it up. Are you serious? I mean, you want to talk about a fucking pocket rocket? Really? Whoa. Diplo's penis.

Whoa, whoa, whee wha. No, but there's, no, but there's pictures of his beef. You got to take, take your fucking safety off. Yeah. Take the safety off. Filters, filters. Yes. His actual hard penis is out there. pictures of his beef. You gotta take your fucking safety off. Yeah, take the safety off. It's filters, filters. His actual hard penis is out there. His actual hard penis, somebody, I used to have it,

I used to try to pass it along as dick pics for me. Whoa, whoa, what? No, this isn't it. Is that it on the upper left maybe? Is that it? Who's that? Orlando Bloom? Who takes it after they took a piss? Yeah.

I don't know. No, that's not it. A lot of dick face. Oh no, it's, damn it. I wish, I don't have it in my phone anymore, God damn Jasper, I started deleting it all. The YouCap, it should be on the YouCap. His dick's 100 out of 100, no additives.

Diplo's got a big dick, huh? Diplo's got a nice piece. Now, yeah. He fucks a lot, I bet. I don't know if he's in a relationship or what he's doing. No, that's the one, that's the kind of guy that is like afraid of commitment.

Yeah. Once you get to, like, what is he? He's gotta be like 45, right? Right. 40. He's been around for a while. And he has the kind of life where every night it's a show, then a private jet, then a show, then a private jet. then a show, then a private jet.

And I mean, I guess he pencils in pussy here and there. That's a guy who's like, why would I get rid of this to move outside the city in the suburbs? Because a kid Avicii killed himself over it. I just found out who that guy was. I never knew who Avicii was, and I saw it on my name's Bill or something as the documentary on Netflix and I start watching it and I'm like, oh this kid's cool shit. And then I start recognizing songs. I was like, oh I know this song. I know this song. And both my daughters walked in and they're like, oh my God, he killed

himself. And I was like, wait, I'm not there at the end yet, you assholes. Yeah. Yeah. He fucking, he killed himself because of this lifestyle. Do you think the lifestyle would have ever caught up with you? Do you think that you spending time with your family the way you do grounds you and then... Yeah. After the night time you get chlamydia, you're like, you know what? I don't need to walk this off anymore. Why don't we just retire the good old dick and balls? And then now at least I know when I have a little pain during urination, I said it's

not an STD. It could be cancer, but that's better. Yeah. At least it's just a fucking prostate cancer. Because that, and I also just felt like, I kind of felt like there's no way I'm going to be able to even make it through this career unless I have some type, like you have your rock in the ocean, Leanne.

Yeah. So that's what I have. I have my empanada. I have my empanada and the fryer. Jasmine. You have your bodega. I have my bodega. You have your quarter bodega.

Because she's my little plantanel. Because she, and it's just nice to come home and be like, I have someone who's taking, like we feel like a good unit now. I take care of the career stuff and our family. And our family has what they want. And then she takes care of the kids and the house and, you know, and our family has what they want, and then she takes care of the kids and the house and the home, and then it all works together,

and it's like symbiotic, you know? The best is when you feel like a fucking team. Yeah. When you look and you go, this is my team. Right. These are my guys. This is my starting lineup. Yeah.

And this is, and we've got each other's backs. Yes. Oh, it's the best. It's amazing. Yeah, I do feel like I have a basketball, I do feel like we're like a basketball team. And two of my children are black. But I am their father.

Yeah. Yes. Is that hers from the other one? No, they're my kids, but they're just turned, they came out, two of them came out black. No. And we did the DNA test and it's not, it's pending. Okay, good. But they are my children, Tanisha and Tarif.

But yeah, you know, I, cause you know, the thing is for me, is I, you know, we have our three kids, we have stepson and then our two biological daughters and they, you know, a lot of people get married and have kids, but we had kids and then got married. So it's kind of cool for us because we're like, oh, our kids now will have memories of our wedding, of when we proposed.

My kids were involved in it all. So there is a little silver lining of that. A part of me is I wish I would have just fucking done this years ago. So I would have shorts on my house in Staten Island. The thing. That's what I did. Because I thought I was, I was like, Oh, me and we're not going to work out. So I was like, let's sell our beautiful home with a 2.8%

interest rate. But it's really just because I wasn't, I was scared to commit to anything. And now I'm out there, fucking dick in the wind with mortgage rates at 7% and 20% sold in the presale. Do you roll, do you run all your money? Huh? Do you run all your money? So? Do you run all your money? So do you go with money? I'm more responsible with money now than I've ever been.

I have an accountant, of course, that I talk to. I talk to my accountant every day. Really? Because I want to have a relationship with him where I'm like, what are we investing and what are we doing? Because I feel that's my responsibility. We have a little bit of an old school relationship

in the sense of I do the money, the finance, I bring home the bacon and then she takes care of the home. Do you have like a log in to your bank account? Yes. And you can check your money right now? All day. It's on your phone. And I got it diversified.

We got some invested. We got some in the cash account. We got some in the Kids 529. We got some in fucking Bitcoin. Do you have some in Bitcoin? We got a little crypto, baby. Chrissy Crypto. I grabbed those coins like fucking Bitcoin. Do you have some in Bitcoin? We got a little crypto baby. Chrissy crypto. I grabbed those coins like fucking Mario.

For real? Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Dude, I bought a couple of bitties low, but I bought a couple of bitties in 2021 son. For real? Yes. So nothing's appreciated like that.

Like the bit. I don't go crazy with it. I got a friend who has 100% of his money in Bitcoin. I'm like, bro. Who signed the contract where they wanted their signing bonus? An NFL player. I don't know who it is, but he has to have

the most money in the NFL. Yeah. Because of how much it's just went up. He has to. Now, I don't understand it all, but I don't need to understand it. So you ready for this? Yes.

So when we did the first Sobre October, so it was before that. So before, Odell Beckham took his 2021 salary in Bitcoin. Right. $700,000 in Bitcoin. What has he got now? Wait, what? He bought 750 grand of Bitcoin?

Yeah. Yo, holy schmoly. What is his Bitcoin worth now? What is Odell's Bitcoin worth now, right there? Oh, I'm sorry. Would be worth about what? How is that? No. It's got to be worth more than that. Only from 750. Well, I think you, I don't know when you had to buy it. That's 2023. So it's been kind of fluctuating there. This is my biggest regret. I didn't have money then so

I couldn't have done this. I was doing Rogan's podcast and I think Red Band was still doing the boards before Jamie. Oh wow. This is back in the day. I remember in this episode Red Band said, I said I didn't believe that women could squirt and Redban said, I can make your wife squirt and Joe got snapped at him. I mean, it was like, hey, that's fucking inappropriate. You can't do that. I just remember that moment. She's a rock in the ocean.

Yeah. And Brian bought up Bitcoin and Joe casually said, we should each buy $3,000 worth of Bitcoin. Had we done that, I think I did the evaluation. It was like 2006, right when Bitcoin came out. Like right when, I think it was like 2016, 2017. It would see what Bitcoin, if you had 3,000 now, would be. Yeah.

One is worth 97,000. So if I- So what was it? What was the cost of one Bitcoin in 2016? Yeah, one BTC Bitcoin, BTC baby. 963 bucks. Was one Bitcoin. So if I bought $3,000 I would have had, I would have had like five Bitcoins.

You would have had, no, no, no. Three Bitcoins. No, you would have had 3000 Bitcoin. They were basically 963, so you'd have had like a little under 3000 Bitcoin, right? No, no, no. You're saying you would have taken, huh so you'd have like a little under 3,000 Bitcoin, right? No, no, no, you wouldn't think you're saying you would have to take it. Huh? I'd have three bitcoins I was only a spent 3000. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Then how much would three Bitcoin be today? So it's good investment. Yeah, that would have been a good investment

But the people who make the real real money is when Bitcoin was like 22 cents and they bought like, you know They put like 10 grand in it. That's when it's nuts crazy. I was I didn't understand Bitcoin Can you explain Bitcoin to someone who doesn't understand it? Can you explain the concept of Dogecoin Bitcoin? Huck to a coin. What was your take on Huck to a coin? No, should they have put her to death? Yes No, no, no, no Yes, talkaktua. See, the meme coins and stuff, I don't know. And I don't really, I don't fucks with that.

I just stay standard Bitcoin. And for me, the thing with Bitcoin is, yes, I can explain it. I really can. I don't know how it is. Some Japanese guy, I have no, it's a- I don't understand mining for Bitcoin. Anything from the brain of an Asian is too complex for me.

That's why I don't watch anime. Dude, the brain of an Asian. I don't know what it is when they lost this one Asians lost me Tentacle porn yes, and I was like okay It turns me on and I don't know why and I know it's not real and now I'm turned on you're done I'm done right done So so anything that comes from that that's a beautiful brain like Elon Musk probably has an Asian brain I would imagine his brain is is Asian. I mean can you believe that's a beautiful brain, like Elon Musk probably has an Asian brain. I would imagine his brain is Asian. I mean, can you believe he's from South Africa?

Right. And have you met South Africans? No. They're not all like that. I believe that. They're like the rednecks of Africa. Right. And it says, fucker, he's coming out, is he good?

And so my thing is like, yes, I can't explain Bitcoin and I don't know how it fluctuates or whatever, but I also really can't explain inflation and why the Federal Reserve decides to do what they do either. So in a way, it's like you can show me all this trigonometry, but it's like at the end of the day, it's just somebody saying the rates are up because they're up and they're down because they're down and it fluctuates like that. So that's the same as Bitcoin. So for me, just because you can't explain explain it it's like if I kept asking you questions about US money

eventually you'd be like I don't I don't know I can explain it to you yeah I can explain it to you yeah you ready yes and you'll like this this is a history by the way you I'm not like you I can't recite the exact history I can just tell you kind of what it was about right yeah I'm like autistic with history like you start asking because I'm like 1776, 1777. Do you really? I started to go like that. So the first American currency was introduced in like 1800s. Yeah. They were using coins because you could feel them in your hand. Right. You could hold them and they were the value of that gold coin you knew that was the

value of the thing. So they're like yo we got to take over Canada right and they're like we need like 3,000 soldiers but we don't have any money to of the thing. So they're like, yo, we gotta take over Canada, right? And they're like, we need like 3000 soldiers, but we don't have any money to give you guys. So we're not gonna go back to Mesopotamia. Well, maybe it was maybe 1775. Anyway, so this is the story. So they said, let's just make paper currency, okay? And we'll just say, yo, we'll give you this

and we're gonna take over this town. We're gonna get all their fucking shit and we get all their shit. You give me this and I'll give you this and we're gonna take over this town. We're gonna get all their fucking shit. And we get all their shit. You give me this and I'll give you that much in their shit, right? And so everyone's like, okay. So they gave everyone fucking $3,000 or $300 in paper currency.

They went in, took over the fucking city, they won. Had they not won, it wouldn't have worked. But they won and then everyone went you know, here's my thing Can I get my stuff back and the guys were like yeah, and the lie guys like others hold on to this and then that Well, they were like, you know, this is easier than this sure So they're like, you know, I'll take these and let's just use these for now on but they said it Oh, the guy said when he said it goes it only works if we all believe in it So we are we no one can say no everyone's gonna believe in it, right? And that's the shit with Bitcoin Yeah, everyone's got to believe in it. So no one can say no, everyone's got to believe in it.

And that's the shit with Bitcoin. Everyone's got to believe in it. So it's real though, but once- As soon as everyone believes in it, it's real. Once JP Morgan and all of them are investing hundreds of millions of dollars, like stop, it's not going anywhere. I'm not a big proponent.

I don't, again, I can't understand. I'm not telling you to put all your money in it, but you can't actually ignore it anymore. I I put a small percentage of the my portfolio in that and I just it grows and my thing is I'm comfortable If if it did go to zero, it's it's it's it's a risk It's a high volatile risk thing that I that I have But yeah, I don't I can't explain dude. I can't explain anything you it's like, you know, I can't explain anything I was telling this to Peter We were we were looking at some show on Netflix

and the guys had a Honus Swagner rookie card. Sick. And you know who Honus Swagner was? Honus Swagner, Hall of Famer. Yes, and my sister Pete's like, I would never pay that much money for that. And I was like, yeah, but you gotta understand, it's worth it.

And he's like, not to me. And I went, that's Bitcoin. That's Bitcoin. Oh, we just believe it. The baseball card right there, the Honus Wagner, the baseball cards are mini Bitcoins. By the way, Honus Wagner, I mean, what the face of a Nazi. I mean, that is, you want to talk about Nazi head?

If this kid, he would have been hit in the home runs, except the balls were Jews. We watched Inglourious Basterards on tour in Europe with our tour manager who's German. The best. That was really fun. Yeah. To watch him go yeah those are some bad guys. Bad guys. This is oh this is so horrible knowing full well those are his grandparents. And we're like Ben man this is crazy. I was on I was I did Bad Friends yesterday I was talking about Madison Square Garden and then we pulled up how the Nazis sold out Madison Square Garden in 1938. Do you know about that? Everyone does after Tony Hinchcliffe set

But we were just thinking like how funny was like, you know, like that like the MC was like and now welcome to man you hear tea Coming out I heard someone keep pissing and moaning that Hitler's how Hitler wasn't even like a full how Hitler was like I phoned in one like yeah Well, you know they were on meth, you know, like Panzer chocolate like chocolate like that that thing And you know, it's a lot, you know, it's one thing people don't know a lot when I you know I again love a history. I love World War two in colonial America a lot of these German soldiers these Nazis You know, they were definitely the SS and the bad ones

1000% like pieces of shit garbage people but some are good guys. Well foma No, not those guys. No all those guys were scum, but some of the Nazi army the German army They had no choice. They were like either you join the army right now. We kill you Oh, yeah, and so they weren't working the concentration camps. They weren't they weren't even maybe, some of them were not anti-Semitic at all. They were like, we don't want to do this. But then they gave them like this, you know, like crystal meth basically, because they would even give it to the soldiers. They would definitely give it to the SS guards.

Then they'd give it to the army. And then, you know, the war ends, the drugs start to go out of your system. You start to have these mental health crisis. They would suicide through the roof. And when they went back to Germany or whatever country they had to join the Nazis from, they were hated and they would be murdered. So it was like, there's a period of like 10 years after the World War II, like it's really bad

for like quote unquote innocent German people. That's when my family came here. Oh, for real? Yeah, because I- From Italy? No, most of my ancestry is German. Really? To the point where I'm not even sure,

because I did the ancestry.com and it said 98% German. So I'm like, was DiStefano a cover name? I don't know if it was a cover. Could you guys have lived in the Alps? Well, here's the thing, when I was a little kid, when I was a little kid, this is true, when I grew up in Ridgewood, Queens, which is a historically German neighborhood, okay?

But when I was a little kid, people, the older people, older German people were still living there. They've died off now, but they would come up to me if I was like seven years old walking to the store and they'd be like, Heide Schweide, Heide, you know, and I'd be like, well, I don't know German. But they thought I was German,

because my hair, I look like a little fucking German. And then there was a- You do kind of look German. There was a guy who my grandpa, my grandpa was American, fought with the Americans in World War II. My grandpa would always have coffee with our neighbor across the street. Great guy, whatever, and he would say they're war buddies.

And then he died, my grandpa died, and then his name was Charles. And I remember asking my mom like years later, remember Charles, you know, pops and, we used to call my grandpa Pops, Pops and Charles, whatever. And she's like, yes, and what a beautiful story of those two, huh? And I was like, yeah, I mean, it's great, war buddies. Did they fight in the same platoon? She was like, what do you mean? I was like, what do you mean, beautiful story?

They met at the war, right? And she was like, kind of, and I was like, what do you mean, where did they meet? And she was like, honey, Charles was a Nazi. And I was like, what? She was like, yeah, he came here, he fought with the German army, and he just lived here. And I was like what she was like, yeah, he came here He fought with the German army and he just lived here and I was like I was like a totally different story. I didn't know that that's why you know, he slapped can issues out of my hand

Because the German because like SS so like there's a Documentary the devil next door this SS guard so like guys, the government still will hunt them down and arrest them. But if you were just like a German soldier that was just like forced to fight in the arm, which I guess this guy Charles was, it was like you just fought in the other side and it was okay, I guess. But it's interesting.

My favorite Nazi story is Alex Eichmann, where they got him from, they extracted him. Is it Eichmann? It's Eichmann, I know, but I don't know if it's Alex Eichmann, where they got him from, they extracted him. Is it Eichmann? It's Eichmann, I know, but I don't know if it's Alex Eichmann. Just hit enter and it'll come up. They pulled him out of Brazil, Adolf Eichmann. Adolf Eichmann, a little different.

Alex, Al Eichmann. And they brought him to Israel, and they were, and a lot of people in Israel didn't believe in the Holocaust. A lot of Israelis didn't believe it because they're like, so hold on, they killed everyone, but you guys are still here? Tell me how bad was it if you made it out? And then when they took him and they held him on trial in Israel,

he is the reason that people started believing the Holocaust, because he told the stories of, yeah, this is what we did, this is what we did. And he was saying, I was just a guy, I was doing my job, I was doing my job. And you're like, wow. My grandfather, was in World War II, he went in and cleared out Nazi death camps or whatever.

Concentration camps. Concentration camps. And saw his relatives, his cousins, as Nazis. And was like, whoa. He was Nazis, and was like, ooh. He was like, that would have been me. It's crazy. Oh, you used the wrong. Do you think, because I'm into a lot of history as well,

do you think when you listen to these stories of Americans getting drafted in Vietnam or Korea or World War II or World War I seems to be the fucking worst in my opinion I was wild do you think that you? Could have done that could have given up your free will and listen to a man going alright I want everyone out of this foxhole and everyone charged the berm. I'm gonna say no I'm gonna say no I mean all good at all 911 happened and a lot of kids in my high school joined the army

It was a lot of patriotism back then and I Literally was online looking at ways to get excluded from the army and I swear to God one of them was if you have psoriatic arthritis Which I was able to mentally convince myself I had and be able to prove in a court of law that I did have to avoid going to the army So I literally was able so I'm gonna say that I'm gonna give you, the answer is no. I think if, you know like when you watch like movies about like colonial America, I think I'd be the drummer in the back. I'd be that guy, the drummer holding

the flags and just get a cannonball to the head immediately. I bet I could have been, I bet I could have focused in med school to become a medic. I could have been like, no, I can apply myself. As a matter of fact, I don't mind reading. I like reading. Yeah, I don't wanna go to the fucking, I could not, I've been in the military when you hear those stories. No way, dude, I couldn't do it.

And here's one, this one is my favorite little bit of history. We went to Serbia to shoot The Machine, streaming on Netflix. Shout it out. And we saw a statue of Gabriele Pritzip. Okay, I'm not familiar. Gabriele Pritzip is, type him in.

He is. Spell it correctly too, don't fuck around. I think good luck. He is Gabriele Pritzip. He shot the Franz Ferdinand, he shot the Franz Ferdinand, Archduke Franz Ferdinand, to start World War I. World War I. Yep.

This one man affected history bigger than anyone ever. And here's my connection. I mean, by the way, just real quick, just look at this guy. This guy looks like he's in his mid-60s. He died at 24. Yeah. He died in prison at 24. Yeah.

In Chechnya, I think. Yeah. Or in, I don't know. Maybe in Croatia. But Yeah, he died in prison at 24 in Chechnya, I think. Or in, I don't know, maybe in Croatia. But anyway, he is the biggest hero in Serbia. He is a hero because this man created Yugoslavia, basically, what he did is he stood up, he was part of the Young Turks, I think, and he started that. Now here's what's crazy.

So when they shot that CEO, same energy. People look at that kid as a hero, and it reminds me of this Gabriella Pritzip of this one gunshot changes the world. This is the Luigi Manzioni of Serbia. Yeah. I mean, listen, here's the thing with the CEO. I don't like a murder in the street at all, but you know as well as anybody, I mean this listen, here's the thing with the CEO. I don't like it, I don't like a murder in the street at all,

but I mean, you know, as well as anybody, I mean, this healthcare industry, I mean, it's pigish. Dude. It's pigish, dude. I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I've come outside, I've said it out loud, I hate that people are celebrating this guy's murdering of a person.

No good. It's horrible, he has family, he has children, he's a human being. I'll tell you one thing, is shine a light on how bad the healthcare system is. Hell yeah. I mean, like, imagine, I don't know, I feel like I'm talking shit,

but imagine sacrificing your own life to change the system. That's what this guy did. That's what this guy did. And that's what that guy did. I'm not that guy, but it's crazy that that's a thing. I know, I'd like to give Luigi Manzioni a fucking colonosc. Right. But it's crazy that that's a thing. I know. I'd like to give Luigi Manzioni a fucking colonoscopy. I mean, what a hottie with a body.

That guy's 100 out of 100 on the Yucca app. I understand an ugly guy killing people. But a good looking guy, what are you killing people for? Fuck, dude, seriously. Like Ted Bundy, he could have just fucked him. Gorgeous. Gorgeous man. John Wayne Gacy, I get it.

Just get out of here. John Wayne Gacy, totally get it. I mean, look at this kid, dude. Jeffrey Dahmer, understood. Yeah. Understood. Look it, I mean, you know, he's got those lips. Just give him a little kiss.

Yeah, I don't know. I just went to Florence, Italy for the first time. You ever go? Yeah. You went? A number of times. To Florence, specifically. Yeah.

What do you go there for, just to hang out? To work, I always went there to work. What do you mean, what were you doing? Travel channel, I worked on Travel Channel. Oh shit, that's right. Yeah, I was just there recently with Leanne and the girls. Yeah, we took them to- How many times have you been back and forth to Italy?

Oh, oh, I had one month where it was three. I had one month where I went to Italy three times. From back, from the United States to Italy? From LA to Italy, back and forth three times. For the show. Yeah, for the show. For most of it's for work. I've been to Italy, I've been to Italy probably 12 times.

Wow, and you always go to Florence? Every time, I go to Florence, Rome, and Venice are the places to go. Right, I've always- But I've also been down to Bari, down to the very bottom, been over to Greece through there. What's crazy to me, what's crazy,

so when I travel, I obsess about the history of that place. And I get really into the history of that place, and I wanna know things about that place. And this last trip to Italy, I was obsessed with Mussolini. Dude, obsessed. Mussolini is just, Mussolini's a lot like Nero, okay? So Nero apparently wasn't, he wasn't that bad of an emperor. He just got a bad rap because the three dudes after him kept fucking up. And so the guy that came three dudes after

Nero was like, yo, in order for myself to look good, I got to make your ex boyfriend look bad. So he trashed Nero. He fiddled when Rome burned. Truth is, they hadn't invented the fiddle yet. The fiddle wasn't even around around so that's not a real story right they did the same thing with Mussolini Mussolini was like he invented fascism like he invented it. Yeah, his his only Shortcoming was like he thought he's gonna be best friends of Hitler He thought he's gonna be best friends of Stalin and so when they killed him they were like, you know, let's trash his memory Yeah, and so they trashed his memory and they made all these big gestures that went over a nation, foolish gestures. Look at him. So I was obsessed with Mussolini. It's interesting. Mussolini is a guy I don't know a lot about. I mean

they hung his body upside down. With piano wire and his mistress next to her and her dress went over her head and then the women came in and tucked her dress to respect her. Respect. His wife lived, his mistress got murdered. Got murdered, that's what happens, don't cheat. I, you know, I think, that's very fascinating, yeah, because when I went to Florence, it's a culture I didn't know much about, I mean. For real? With a last name like DiStefano.

Yeah, but I told you, I'm mostly German, so I don't know. But your dad's straight up. He is, no, and he told me that his mom was half German too. But he's culturally Italian. He's culturally Italian, yeah, but I'm just full of Axis blood. I'm all about the Axis powers, dude. And I have a Japanese penis.

And so, but I loved it, and I couldn't, I was so amazed by the statues, and I mean everyone would just, you know, obviously the flaccid penis and the balls. And I was just like, this is amazing. And then every statue I noticed was, you know, obviously the flaccid penis and the balls. And I was just like, this is amazing. And then every statue I noticed was, you know, men. And then if there was a woman, almost exclusively every statue of woman,

she's being in the statue. And I'm just like, what is the fucking, what is going on with this? And nobody could explain, but I was like, every statue I see in the square, it's like a woman being like hurt and just a flaccid cock above her. Do you think Michelangelo after he was done sculpting David,

because you've seen it, 17 foot tall. I've seen David five times. So that's actually 17 feet tall. He'd have to take three months just on the cock. I think the David was supposed to stand on top of the Duomo. Yes, that's what it was. And so he made it proportionally so that when you looked at it, it looked proportional from the height of what you saw it from. Yes, and everyone talks about the front of David,

but you know you've been there. When you walk around the back of David, I mean this man has a wagon. I mean, what an ass. What an ass. If that would have had a tattoo of a butterfly on one of the ass cheeks, I would have fucked it in the Uffizi.

Oh. So you just went to Florence? I just went to Florence. I literally went to Florence for three days and came right home. Oh, there, this is my friend Don DePetta. Do you know Don, Burr? Of course I do.

Yeah, that's Don. What's up, buddy, how you doing? He's got a fresh haircut. Look at that. Yeah, you look good. He's looking good. You look totally different. He lost a little weight.

Yeah, your fucking mustache looks tight. That's it, dude. So you just went to Florence? I just went to Florence. We literally, here's the mistake we made and here's a little PSA. I'm sure you know this, you travel so much. We left New York at 4.30 PM on the flight, and we flew to Paris and then transferred

to Florence. Do not take the 4.30 PM flight when you're going to Europe, because when you start to get tired at normal times, 10 PM, 10.30, you're landing in Europe and it's six o'clock in the morning or five o'clock in the morning, and the jet lag, I've never experienced it like that in my life, that it almost like ruined our trip because we couldn't, we were missing dinner reservations, we were missing museum reservations.

You got it, the move is either just sacrifice a day and leave at eight o'clock in the morning and fly the whole day So your body's in regulation or take the 10 30 p.m. Flight and get there at noon. So at least you sleep Yeah, right or fly private like Burt. No, I don't fight poverty. I've done five private to Europe. Yes You've taken the fucking bus to Europe. I've taken no We tore Europe. We have a double decker bus. Nice. Fucking next level. We just went to Paris, me and Leanne,

she'd never been to Paris, and next we grow into Spain. Well see, this is the beauty, this is what I wanted to bring up too. Our kids are gone. I was gonna say, you are at the, here's what I want to, I was gonna bring this up before. You have a beautiful part, you're at a beautiful part of your life

from the outside looking in right now, is because now, if you wanted to, you can live this beautiful life which you're living touring all that, bring your wife, which you know, because she doesn't have to stay home now with the kids or she could come because you said the kids are out of the house.

So they either A, don't wanna be around you anyway because they wanna hang out with their friends or B, if they do wanna come, they can come. They're adults. So that's what I hopefully I'm trying to stay alive to get to that point. Because right now it's very difficult for me to go away for so long when I'm missing my little kids.

But when they get older, I'm thinking they could either come with me or they won't want to see me anyway and maybe this burden will be easier. Because if you could put yourself, remember back to like when you were 40, when you were 40, how old were your children? They were probably eight and six, I'm guessing.

Right, so similar to mine, little kids. You probably had had more of a, you weren't at the level yet. No I wasn't not, I was not. But I was working for Travel Channel for not a ton of money. So you missed them. I missed them all. I was gone two weeks and then on my week off I'd go to stand up. Right. And then I'd be gone for two weeks. So is there a part of you now that your older that regrets that? Yes. So see that's what I'm trying to avoid because all my peers that came before me has went to as great heights as you had. They always say, I missed that part, but you now, I think, are at the perfect part,

because now your family can experience this with you. How about this, though? This is the thing I'll say. Is stand-up today is not what stand-up was 12 years ago. What do you mean? We all did clubs. No one did clubs. Like no one did theaters. No one, no one did Madison Square Garden 12 years ago. Right. No one

did. Let's hear the Nazis. Joe Rogan 12 years ago, I'm not even joking, 12 years ago Joe Rogan was doing, the Wilbur was like a big deal for him. Sure. I mean, I apologize Joe if I'm misspeaking, but I mean I just remember that like no one was doing theaters, no one was doing arenas, and now we're all, I mean, I apologize, Joe, if I'm misspeaking, but I mean, I just remember that like, no one was doing theaters, no one was doing arenas, and now we're all, I mean, like, there's a handful of us doing arenas. Like, I mean, a handful. A lot of comics do arenas.

And that just didn't exist, so. So what do you think about, so how, what are you saying now? I think opportunities now are more bountiful than when I was doing it. Like, if you, like, like there was like every comic, every comic did clubs. So every comic did clubs.

So you didn't have, like if you got an offer to club, you had to take it. And so like, if you wanted to continue to be a comic, for me, then that one week off, I had to go to stand up because those offers were hard to come by. You gotta remember, like every fucking comic did, I mean, it's so hard for people to wrap their heads around, but like, there wasn't the opportunities that are out there.

Like right now when I hear you go, I only do two weeks a month, I go, that would be fucking incredible. But if I had only done two weeks a month back then, I would have never got to where I am today. Right. So I can tell you the comics who did two weeks a month and they don't do comedy anymore. Right because because it just wasn't because you were they weren't working they weren't putting in as many hours. You had to be fucking hustling. I think comedy was like a lot more of a hustle back then right than it is now

because the internet. Like I remember Ali Wong saying you know you can take a year off. That is like I mean yeah I remember hearing that and going no you're not allowed to. What are you talking about? You gotta keep your foot take a year off. That is like, I mean, I remember hearing that and going, no, you're not allowed to. What are you talking about? You gotta keep your foot on the gas pedal. And this is the first time I've ever taken off in 25 years of NU'EST Stand Up. I took off starting in July to now,

and I'm not even sure if I'm going back out on tour in the fall, but I've never taken time off. Why, because you're liking the feeling of being off? No. Because you're doing other shit. I don't want it to reset my comedy. I want to reset everything. I want to start from scratch, but really start from scratch and not have a bunch of material

that didn't go in that special be the beginning of the next special. You ever think like maybe with the reset instead of taking the shirt off you'll take the pants off you'll win either poet? I wish. I wish. That'd be sick, right? I wish. I don't know, I'm gonna be litigious with, if this comes out wrong.

There's a couple comics that don't wear shirts on stage now. It's a good thing. And a friend of mine texted it to me, a friend of ours, texted it to me and said, this is insane. Like, you're the first person to ever take your shirt off, and now these people are taking their shirt off. Like, but I didn't read his text, I just saw a dude with his shirt off.

And I clicked it and I go, what the fuck is this guy doing? I was like, oh my God, how many people do you think, see me shirtless and go, what the fuck is this guy doing? Because I just did it to him. I'm like, this fucking fool with his fucking shirt off. And I was like, oh my god. Oh my god. What?

And then I was like, wait, is there a world where I start wearing a shirt on stage? But here's the deal. I am more comfortable shirtless. So you've got to go where you're comfy want to. Yeah, I'm like, I am doing who I am authentically. But then when you see people mimic it, there's a part of you that's like, I don't know. Well the thing is you want to make it to the level

you made it if you were inauthentic. So that's the thing, it's all authenticity. My authenticity was so direct and honest that, I mean I made a choice to be shirtless on my Showtime special. Right. It was a Showtime special and they said you're giving them a reason to change the channel. Right. This one changing the channel was a thing. Showtime said that to you. Look at him now. She said, legit, can we do one with your shirt on and one with your shirt off? I said, no, you can't cut in between them. And they go, I think this is a big mistake. And it was. It was the lowest rated special they've ever put out. Everyone changed channel. The second my shirt came off, they said the ratings dropped. Everyone

turned it off. No one thought this was a good idea. But then with the internet, it was like you need a reason to go, what is that? One reason where... So it was those clips from that Showtime special that blew everything up? Those clips from those, I put four clips, the machine story, fighting a bear, jumping out of a plane with Rachel Ray, and taking my daughter to first grade, John Henry story. And I put four clips up and I remember the machine, the first night got like three million views

and every single one of them was like two million, one million, 750,000, like everyone was skyrocketing. And then the machine got to like, I mean, I don't know, like fucking 10 million, 12 million, 20 million, 30 million, it's like 50 million right now. But I remember that's when Showtime's like, yo, pull it all off, you gotta take it all off. And I was like-

Why, why would they wanna take it all off? It was doing well, because they weren't benefiting from- They weren't benefiting from it. Because you had it on your bird pressure. I put it on my Facebook page. Shit. Yeah. And they were gonna sue me for the price of the special. And why, but it-

I was like, I'll give you that money, because I need this business. Yeah, because your ticket sales- I'm selling tickets for the first time. That was the first time ever you started. So you only started selling tickets. So when was that? 2000, does someone have a date?

2016, December 27th, 2000. I was set up to do the Wilbur January 2017 and I hadn't sold 200 tickets. Wow. I hadn't sold 200 tickets and we. I hadn't sold 200 tickets. And we were panicking. And promos weren't a thing yet. Like no one was doing promos.

And the machine story went viral. And I remember my agent goes, we cleaned up the Wilbur. And he's like, by the way, you're sold out at Portland Helium, Buffalo Helium, and New Jersey. And I was like,ium, and New Jersey. And I was like, no, that's crazy. And because you had went 10 plus years of never selling out any shows. Not selling.

Like you wouldn't come close. Buddy, I would, they would pay for a room. You have to give money back to the club. Yeah, a couple times, no, a couple times. A couple times, if you wanted to work there again, and they got a fucking upside down deal, you're like, yo, let's figure this out. But do you ever think about that?

Like how many years? Like think about yourself in the middle of those 10, 12 years of not selling anything. There must have been times when you were like, it's just not good, the people don't like it. It's not gonna work for me. Oh, my whole career, I was like, maybe I'm just not meant to, maybe I'm not good.

Maybe I'm just delusional. Like your friends think you're good, you think you're good, but the fans are saying no for some reason. The crowd would laugh, but just no one would show up. So I'd kill to 75 people, but it's also, you know, it's the road and the road, there were no rules to the road. And it was like, yeah, I definitely was like,

maybe this isn't gonna work out. And then it would work out for Tom. And I was like, fuck man. And then I was like getting older and I'd watch like dudes show up with like, I remember Chris And then I was like getting older and I'd watch dudes show up with like, I remember Chris D'Alia had like space pants on and like a brand new Audi and the hottest chick I'd ever seen in my life.

And I was like, I was sitting off the side going, in jeans with dad shoes, I have plantar fasciitis, no shirt on, sandals and jeans. Yeah, and I'm looking at going, I guess it just didn't happen for me. And then I'd be in the- Cause you were already what, in your mid 40s or something? 43. Wow. 43. So you were like, it in your mid 40s or something? I was 43.

Wow. 43. So you were like, it's just over. I was like, I was comfortable being just a journeyman comic, just a really good comic who like, maybe not, maybe no one stayed in the room to watch. Maybe no one- But respected by your peers and all that.

Yeah, oh, and friends with everyone. Hey man, that was a good set, you know. But like, no one was like, hey guys, Bert's on. Like, you know, with the way they do for like, like if Chappelle's in the room. Sure, of course. If Rogan goes up, hey man, that was a good set, but no one was like, hey guys, Burt's on. Like you know with the way they do for like, like if Chappelle's in the room. Sure, of course. If Rogan goes up, everyone goes, come on, let's go look at Rogan.

I wasn't gonna be that guy, and I was like, cool. And Rogan had a conversation with me in the back of the comedy store, and he was like, hey man, you need to get a Netflix special. And he's like, you're too funny, you need a Netflix special, and I'm telling you. And I was like, Joe, that's like saying, hey man, you need to fuck a supermodel. I was like, how the too funny. You need a Netflix special, and I'm telling you. And I was like, Joe, that's like saying, hey man, you need to fuck a supermodel.

I was like, how the fuck do I do that? He was like, be undeniable. I didn't know what that meant. And I got fired from Travel Channel, and because of that I could do stand up every single night, and I just did it every single fucking night. I did it every single fucking weekend. And then one day, the dude that I liked,

that it was really like the hot, hot comic, came up and he was like, when did you get funny funny and I was like, oh, I've been funny That was the other thing is I came kind of from out of nowhere. So everyone was like, oh, he's just travel channel guy Right. Yeah, I didn't get success until I was like 43 That's good because now you know what it feels like to not have success or you hold on to the success You don't take it for granted. Well, yeah. Yeah, but I mean, that's why like I don't know I just I was like fucking foot to the pedal to the metal. Yeah, see, for me, it's like I get,

because when I'm home in New York, I'm always working. We're doing the, also too, like, our generation, like the podcast. You have, I mean, Week didn't get paid for, I mean, podcasting was like, we were early in the game of podcasting, but like, you guys can go in, and you guys are so much better

at podcasting than us older dudes, I think. I really think you guys, I watch you guys, I watch History of Hanging This, I watch Stavvy, I watch Hey Babe back in the day. Everything, you are so good on a podcast that I think sometimes I'm like, maybe I should just stop podcasting. But then I do one with you and I go,

this is fucking shit. It's fine, it just moves. Because I think too for me, I think that's what sometimes the dilemma comes from too is because like you said, there was no opportunity other than the comedy clubs. For me, for my generation, it's like the opportunity is more on the internet.

So it's more on like the podcasting and then we sell the tickets or whatever. So I'm like, okay, here's the bounce. But when I'm home, I'm in New York, I'm like, I'm doing spots every single night. Like I love, I would never stop comedy, I love it. But it's like this dilemma of like, okay, now I look at money as like, I'm doing spots every single night. Like I love, I would never stop comedy. I love it. But it's like this dilemma of like, okay,

now I look at money as like, I try to look at them as like little freedom coupons where it's like, okay, if I go in and God willing, I can sell out or make enough money. Does this buy me enough time where I get now six weekends at home with my kids? You know what I mean? Like that's the way I look at it.

So that's what I try to look at. So I looked at it this way. I was like, yo, I didn't make money forever. So now that I can make money, I need to, this is exactly what I said. I need to get us a big house. I need to get the girls in, I got to pay for colleges. And I was like, buddy, can you imagine being 43

and knowing that colleges, like four years away, I mean, I can't remember exact ages or whatever but like remember thinking college is coming up and I don't have money for it nor do I have money for Christmas next year nor do I have money for it. I don't know if I'm gonna have money for a mortgage. Nothing safe for the future. I got nothing safe for the future. I remember going and being in a car in St. Louis at the helium. I had done radio. I drank on radio. I was short-listed in the car. I'm fucking 43 and the manager

looked at me and he goes, how long can you do this for? Whoa. And I was like, huh? He's like, what are you going to be like a 50 year old comic? And I was like, Oh, I don't know. Am I sad? Yeah, I was like, wait, am I depressing deep people? Yeah, oh fuck and then I was like, oh how long can I do this for? By the way hadn't sold any tickets that weekend Yeah hadn't sold any fucking tickets away and got into a fight with Doug Benson on stage and I knew he was posting it Monday morning For his fucking Doug loves movies. Wow, and I was like like a legitimate fight

Like by far if If you download this and I'm sure it's still out there yeah and you and you hit play you will never be more involved and committed to a bit of content in your life right it is a passionate heated fight on stage in a sold-out comedy club where he is screaming at me and I'm confused and I'm drunk and I'm trying to give people cheeseburgers and I leave the room and then I walk back into the room yeah and it gets worse yeah and I I humbly apologize yeah get on stage. And by the way people don't know who you are yet. No one knows who the fuck I am.

Dude that was that weekend and I was like well I was like motherfuck but the I am? Dude, that was that weekend. And I was like, I was like, mother fucker. But the one thing I got on that weekend was Google Trends. He told me what Google Trends were. And I realized, I started seeing spikes. I started Googling why I spiked. And I was like, oh shit, I guess Rogan's a spike. I didn't know that.

I was like, I just did Rogan's. I knew I got followers, but I didn't know that it would help my career. And then I was like, wait, oh, when I'm with Tom, that's a spike. Oh, when I'm with Ari, that's a spike. Oh, when I'm with Ari, that's a spike. When I'm with, I was like, okay, I'll just hang out with my boys a little more.

And then I was like, oh, Hot Ones is spiking. What's Hot Ones? Google it, check it out. I was like, oh, shit, hit up Sean Evans, I go on Hot Ones, huge fucking spike. I learned and I marketed my career based on that. But man, I am like, I like look back and I am so fucking lucky that I took my shirt off. Yeah.

I posted that machine clip and I met Joe Rogan. Those are my three things. Three things that happened. Had, had one of those things not happened. I don't know if I'd be where I am. Right. If the machine, if I didn't post the machine, no, I'd just be like, I'd just be like a regular guy that did Rogan a couple times.

You'd be dead in St. Louis. Yeah. You'd be'd be dead in St. Louis. Yeah, you'd be shirtless dead in St. Louis. It's crazy, man. But now, look, dude, it's fucking awesome. Now you got, now, I feel like now is the good, I mean, obviously it's been great years, but now it's like, you know, get the family,

get it going, beautiful home, it's amazing. I make good money on the podcast, we make great money on the vodka, we're like doing well with the 5K, like everything's, everything's good business right now and I'm just like floating and then I go, maybe I'll do a arena tour, maybe I'll do a theater tour, maybe I'll go do clubs for four months.

I was gonna say, you go back to the clubs, it'd be wild. The funnest touring I ever have is getting the bus in California and just go across the country doing clubs. Clubs. And just do a big loop for like two months. No kids at home, just do two months of a loop. Bring your, have friends fly out and meet up with you

to have them on the road for two days. Amazing. We did that right before my special. We went on the road for a month straight, doing clubs from LA all the way down to Tampa. Jesus. And no, no, no, up to where we started Fully Loaded. And then we met up with everyone Fully Loaded,

toured all the way through fully loaded. By the way, where's Tom? Tom was supposed to be on. Where the fuck is Tom? This guy just was supposed to be on. Yeah. And then I get a text at noon that he's not on. What is Tom, what is he losing weight?

No, he's doing a hair thing consultation. Is he doing it, he's going to Turkey too? I think he's doing it. Dan Soder calls him hair tits, which is very funny. I thought of that today. Yeah, it's him. No, he's doing a consultation to see if he has enough hair to replace.

You think, right, does he have enough hair to replace it? Because he's really bald. Tom is insanely bald. Oh, like his no hair. Tom's like chemo bald. Yeah, yeah, like his hair receded here. Like it's receding here. So they're just doing a consultation.

I think he didn't want to go to Turkey. I think he may have to go to Turkey to get it done, because everyone in LA is like, you don't have enough hair to do it with. So I think he't want to go to Turkey. I think he may have to go to Turkey to get it done because everyone in LA is like, you don't have enough air to do it. So I think he may have to go to Turkey. But that's why he came out to LA and he was like, yeah I'll do the consultation. And the guy's like, I'm gonna need to bring other people in to look at this. Dude, well he should have just come and did the consultation on the show. He doesn't want anyone to know about it.

Well now, well okay. Well well sorry Tom he's just gonna show up one day back on two bears with just hair like let me know he just just not talk about it he's like let's look at this person shooting on it was he was playing was like when I started shaving my hair I had hair I started shaving my head I'd hair people just think I'm just growing it out right I was like okay sure you've been you've been bald for 20 years and now she just growing it out. Right. I was like, okay. Sure, you've been bald for 20 years and now you're just growing it out. Yeah.

Are you gonna make a, hey, was your wife upset about the island of garbage? No, she wasn't. Was there any Puerto Ricans upset? No, she go, honestly, look, I'm sure there were. I'm really, of course there were. I can only speak on my family. My family just doesn't care, like at all.

My, you know, my mother-in-law had a good point, I thought. She was like, that to me, that same thing, she's like, I get the problems with her, she knows Puerto Rico. She was like, I get the joke, maybe it wasn't the best joke, or at a political rally, I get all that. She was like, but the media making a big deal about that,

she's like, is the same thing that happened the first time when they made a big deal about Trump saying grab Her by the pussy where she was like me as a woman You think I haven't heard that from a man you think that I don't know that all that that men talk like that all the time That's not a reason. I'm not gonna vote. That's not that she was like that's not the read That's not the reason that doesn't get me to vote for Hillary now Yeah, you make me want to vote for Trump more She said it was very, she had that same feeling

about you're gonna, now I'm gonna let this white motherfucker on CNN tell me what as a Puerto Rican I should be offended by, now we go to Donny T. So that's what it is. So that's basically what happened, you know? You know what actually is fucking wild too? So my perception is reality, right, Of course. Who cares about reality? 100%. And hang on, can I give you a gift? Yes. Apply that in your marriage. Okay.

When you guys get, don't forget perception is reality. When you get, Tommy Chong said this to me high as fuck. When you get into a fight, you get to decide if you're angry or not. You can also decide to focus on all the great times you had and ignore this one little thing and look past it and go, I'm going to take all these experiences, I've done that, and it fucking works. Keep going. Yeah, that's a good one.

So I feel like perception is reality. When I was a kid, when I was in my 20s, you had to be like liberal. Every, like you had to be like, if you, everybody was liberal, everybody voted for Obama, everybody was like in the comedy world, in the college world, whatever. Now it's like reverse. Now it's like the kids, like my, I have a nephew, he's 17, 18.

And he goes, I was like, oh, you know, before the election, I was like, who are you going to vote for? And he was like, I don't know. I was like, well, just vote. Like, what do you think? What do you think you're going to do? I was like, I guess for you guys, you know, before the election, I was like, who are you going to vote for? And he was like, I don't know. I was like, well, just vote. Like, what do you think? What do you think you're going to do? I was like, I guess for you guys, you're generally because I didn't know. I was like, you guys are going to go liberal, right?

Because he's in college. He's like, no, dude, that's gay. Being a Democrat is gay. And I was like, what? I was like, what do you mean? He goes, isn't that gay? Isn't that the gay one? And I was like, what?

And he was like, he was like, I thought that Biden and the Democrats were gay and hated America, and Trump and the Republicans were strong and loved America. And I was like, yeah. And I was like, wait, so why do you think that? And he was like, and I was like, I'm not judging you at all, dude. I was like, I judge.

What do you think? And he was like, that's what I think. I was like, then vote with that. I was like, vote, vote. For you, it's simple. You're fucking gay or straight. Gay or straight. I was like, that's what I think. I was like, then vote with that. I was like, vote, vote. For you, it's simple. You're fucking gay or straight. Gay or straight. I was like, so you're voting straight.

But it was interesting. I was like, wow, that fucking changed in 50. Not everybody. By the way, it's not a blight. I know that there's many, many people who feel the reverse at that age. But the perception was very interesting to me. College bros.

To hear from a young kid be like, whoa, here's how I knew it was shifting. Last year, I did a show on a fucking USS aircraft carrier. 5,000 people in the USS aircraft carrier in San Diego. The government booked me. So I do the show, and they tell me, do not even speak about President Biden. Do not speak about President Biden. Do not, obviously even speak about there's president Biden do not speak about president Biden do not obviously disparage America

Don't even say anything about like anti America's enemies. Just do your comedy. I was like great So I'm doing my comedy the microphone breaks Okay, no mic five thousand people outside in San Diego on the water on a fucking aircraft carrier with these kids about to these are Like the first wave of the art. they'll go to war, these kids. This is like not National Guard. This is the real deal motherfuckers. So I go, so I'm like, oh shit. So it was a gas, it was a gas powered generator

that was powering the audio system. So that didn't have any gas in it. So my mic went out, so I'm trying to get through it and I can't, and there's 5,000 people, I'm trying to scream whatever. And then the person over there who had told me 10 times, do not say anything about, you know, MaraCo, whatever. But I knew from knowing contracts, I knew that this was like that force de majeure thing where it's like, I'm going to get paid no matter what because your equipment broke. So you now legally have to pay me. And I knew my agent's

going to get that fucking money. So I said, you know what, fuck it. I said, I gotta just get this crowd back on my side. I said, guys, I was like, and I didn't tell them to do this, this just happened organically. And I was like, oh shit. I go, guys, I was like, fucking microphone broke. And they were like, boo.

I was like, yeah. I was like, you know why? I was like, there's no gas in the generator. And they were like, boo. And I was like, you know why? I was like, cause we're sending all the money to Ukraine. And they were like, boo. And I was like, you know why? I was like, because we're sending all the money to Ukraine. And they were like, and then they and then they go, ah, and then out of nowhere, five thousand of the United States Army start going, fuck Joe Biden, fuck Joe Biden.

And I was like, looking at I was like, is this bad? And then I was like, wait, wait, wait, wait. I was like, no, we can't say it. Can't say that. I was like, calm down. I was like, my family's Puerto Rican. I started doing fucking Puerto Rican accents, trying to get it back.

No means yes. No means yes. But they started screaming, fuck Joe Biden. And I was like, wowsers. Wow, dude. And I was like, oh shit, it's over. And I knew it then. And then any time, I was very polite.

And again, I really am very apolitical. I really, really am. But there's such like this bubble, at least in New York City and of course LA We're like even the comics and I'm sitting at the Comedy Zone They were telling me in October that there's no way Trump can win and Biden's gonna save this and I and I just you know, you're polite, but you're just like Dude, if you were on the aircraft carrier with me, you would know it's fucking Absolutely, dude. I'm talking about beyond is

Fucking you could give that a zero out of a hundred If I scan that response you could give that a full zero they would say you rather eat fucking quest protein chips Oh my god. Yeah, god damn it. It's just like you gotta know I mean the comedy club the comedy clubs we really are the first wave like, you know, like, you know Oh, yeah Just like you gotta know, I mean the comedy clubs, the comedy clubs really are the first wave. Like you know, like you know. Oh yeah. I knew in 2016 when I was going through Ohio and all this place, you see the Trump flags everywhere, he's gonna win.

I didn't see them in 2020, you know, cause I mean we weren't really on the road, but I didn't hear many people talking about it, so I was like, he might lose. 2024, going back, you know, you do fucking go bananas or whatever, it's like Trump everywhere, you know he's gonna win. 2016, I was in Ohio, we were getting ready to do the

end of the world podcast, me, Burr, Stan Hope and Rogan at the store. And I'm in Ohio that weekend before, we're doing it like Tuesday, the election. And I had a joke, you know, you always, for anyone listening, I hope you understand this, but the fun thing to do in comedy is say the thing you think they're gonna hate,

and then win them over with sure and I and I said and I Thought this what I was I was like I'm voting for Trump and the place went fucking bananas Yeah, you thought it was gonna go the other way. I was like, I guess I don't need to say the other part of the joke Yeah, I don't think they're gonna like that. Yeah, dude I did a gig for the MLB right like that major league baseball It's like a closed event like only the the baseball players, like active baseball players, some Hall of Famers were in there. Trump had just won.

Trump got elected on Tuesday. This gig was like Thursday, right? 500 people in a room. And I said, here's the thing. I said, folks, again, they told me, don't say anything political, be squeaky clean. But it's like, okay, I need to be funny here. So whatever.

So I said to them, not knowing where it's gonna go, but I had ways to go after it, I said, listen, we're in a room right now, we got a lot of millionaires and a lot of Dominicans. I know one thing and one thing only, this room voted for Donald Trump, and they went fucking nuts. I'm gonna just say it, you could edit out,

big poppy Artis, David Artis got up and started clapping. I was like, yeah, he has big poppy. He was like, Trump's my boy. I said, we got Dominicans and millionaires displaced voter for Donnie T. And they went fucking ape shit. And so it's one of those things where it's like, it's not even about who I don't care. It's like, you just gotta be in reality a little bit where it's like, dude, you can't tell.

You can't be white telling Puerto Rican people how to feel. I know that. I'm with a Puerto Rican woman. You just don't. You've been trying it for fucking five years. For 10 years, dude, it doesn't work. So it's like, that was the first mistake when I was like, shut up. Let Puerto Rican people say something. But when you hear fucking Wolf Blitzer being like,

this is outrageous. My family was like, shut the fuck up, whitey. Well, you have to go to Kimmel. I have to go to couples therapy. It's the same thing. But I love you. Dude, I love you, too. I'd kiss you on the fucking lips.

I would. I would kiss you on the lips. It's a great episode. Thank you, coming. September 11th. Make sure to check his Hulu special. It's Just Unfortunate, releasing February 21st. Yes.

Madison Square Garden on September 11th. That's what it is, baby. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah, dude. I love you. I proposed to my girl January 6th. I'm doing comedy September 11th. Fuck it, hell yeah, dude.

America. America, dude. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes to the top and swallows the other, wears the shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call, Two Bears One Cave.