2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Chrissy New Glasses w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 178

Episode Date: March 27, 2023

Go catch Chris at The Theater at MSG in NYC on September 23rd. Get tickets at https://chrisdcomedy.com/tickets Chris Distefano joins Tom Segura as a guest bear in Bert Kreischer’s place this week! Tom and Chris discuss, Chrissy’s new look, weight loss, the effects of social media, Chris’ new show “Super Maximum Retro Show”, and much more! Chris also shares some hilarious stories about his dad, Tampa Tony, meeting Steven Tyler and Phil Collins, as well as a wild story about an argument Chris witnessed.https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://www.bertbertbert.com/tourhttps://store.ymhstudios.com/

I got injured in December of 2020. I saw that video on point hub. It's been a long time. Another announcement I want to make. I've committed just for the year of 2023 to not be gay. That's for the year. I'm not going to be gay. How great would it be if I'm saying this?

Saying all this right now. And then you find out tomorrow I killed myself in my hotel room. Like, I hung myself right off the balcony. Fuck. Johnny is like, 100% like Nadov gay. Gay gay gay. Like, you know what? As soon as. Gay, gay, gay, gay. You know what?

How soon did you see it? You were like, that guy's got come dripping out of his ass. 100%. 100%. I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, just go ahead and say it. The right intention, wrong move tour is going. You can get tickets right now at chrisdcomedy.com. Give it up for Chris to step in, everybody. Hello. What's up, everybody? What's with you?

Tom? Yeah. First of all, I just want to start by telling you, I know we got, you know, the glasses on. I will get to it. I've gone completely insane. I mean, I've completely lost my mind. It's a different thing.

What's going on with me? It looks like the kids have been making money. I mean, it looks like. Yeah.. It's a different thing. What's going on with the kids been making money. I mean, it looks like. It looks like you served time. But when you got out, there was a bag waiting for it. Yeah, I almost literally, you just had David Cross on it. I'm such a big David Cross fan. And I almost walked up and went, what's up, Jew boy?

Like, because what these glasses on, it's just what happens. You know, like you just think you can get away with anything. And, but I want to tell you first First of all I've been seeing you in a while you look fantastic. Oh, thanks. Okay, dude fucking Tommy tests is my favorite time I Literally love dude Test out this thing is too big, bro. You look you look great. You really look great and I want to get into it right away

I want to say I want to get into it right away. I want to say that September 22nd, I'm doing radio city. In New York, radio city. That's the big time. That's the big one. Especially for a New York kid. For a New York kid, it's all about you do radio city. You don't make shit, but it's the prestige play. Yeah, that's the thing.

Who wants to sell 5,500 tickets and not really good paid? You do radio, city music, radio, city music call. And with all the free tickets, I have to give away to my family and friends. I'm gonna lose money actually. You're gonna lose money. But I don't care, it's an honor.

It's like the thing to do. Because it's all like the goals to MSG. And I want to say thank you to you because I genuinely mean this. I said this the last time, my fan base has started to increase and my ticket sales increased after I've started coming on your show. And now I know there's always some,

like there's groups of people in my show that I know, you know, the only way that can come is by sticking pencil in there, Dick. And I know that they're your fans. And because of that, I got you a gift. Oh shit. I wanted you to fucking know that I'm about it. I got you a gift. Whoa. Get out of here. Holy shit. Look at that baby. Man, I don't know if you guys can see this. I don't know if you can see that,

but it's just a framed Garth Brooks card. Yep. Where he's wearing a Royals uniform. Yeah, he looks big here. He looks big, dude. He looks like 2014 Tom Segura. Yeah. Where he's wearing a royal uniform. Yeah, he looks big here. He looks big, dude. He looks like 2014 Tom Shagura. Yeah. He says 300 bodies. We'll so close. Yeah, baby. Thank you. This is going on the wall. Oh, dude. Well, that's for you. Thank you. Appreciate it. So, uh, well, you know, we're genuinely, genuinely. I mean, we say that, you know, you say this to people, we're genuinely huge fans of yours. And like, you make me laugh. Like, no other, I mean, I remember not long ago you were on Kimmel and your post said,

watch me bomb on Kimmel. Even that makes me laugh. But, and yeah, dude, by the way, do you think I look good now? Six months from now? Dude, you're not gonna, I mean, like real, like you're gonna feel as sexual. I, first of all, I feel it now. You're not gonna, I mean, like real, like you're gonna feel a sexual, first of all, I feel it now.

The thing is with me is I feel it now, but I've committed, another announced one I wanna make, I've committed just for the year of 2023 to not be gay. That's for the year. I'm not gonna be gay, because I mean, you know, I drunk texted you the other night. Yeah, you can remember that? Yeah, pull it out.

Can I read it out? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I can read it on that. That's my problem. Go ahead, I was like, what the read it out? Yeah, yeah. And I can read it on that. It's my problem. Go ahead, I was like, what the fuck is this? I outta nowhere, I texted Tom, because I got blitzed. I said, I'm coming on your show in late February and legit gonna ask him how to kiss your belly button,

call myself a faggot on FaceTime with an dove, so get ready. I woke up the next morning and I said, dude, I have no recollection of sending this text to you. I was on five decals in Cleveland, but I stand by what I said and I will follow through. That's fantastic. Yeah.

But I'm not, I don't know where Nidav is. He is in rehab right now. Is he? Different gambling. Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah, I got him hog tied in my hotel room. That actually, that's the first thing I think. I think of, you know, you used to really shine shoes.

You used to do a good job. You can see you're fucking, it's like a mirror when you look at the ocean. You look like that guy. You look like the guy who's also like, it's six grand and it's due today. It's, yeah. Do you like them though?

Should I commit to this? What are we thinking? Oh, man. I mean, is it on stage too? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah That is a that is a leap man, dude So like take me back to when these first came like what what led to these so it's my guy

Anthony Aiden Anthony Aiden optical down in in Manhattan, St. Mark's Avenue only New York Yeah, plug Anthony Aiden up my shoes is fucking Tony stop Only New York, you have a plug. Dude, Anthony Aiden, like my shoes is fucking toning stop. Anthony Aiden, dude, he's also an MMA guy, so he's fucking the only guy who'll sell you glasses with collie flower here.

Holy shit. This guy, absolutely. I saw Robert Kelly, the great, the great, Robert Kelly, he had glasses on that, was that from him? That's from Anthony Aiden. Okay, so Kelly also messaged me, he's like, cause I told him I was like,

these are cool glasses, he sent me a link, he's like, this is the guy. Yeah, so Kelly also messaged me, he's like, cause I told him I was like, these are cool glasses. He sent me a link, he's like, this is the guy. Yeah, no, that's the guy. He's awesome, got me these frames, and I'm there like these 1980s frames. I go on stage, you know, they call me Chrissy Dahmer now. They're Jeffrey Dahmer vibes. Oh shit, I didn't think of that.

A little bit, but it's become a look. My family hates it, my mother hates it. Well, that's your lady. Lady does not like it. She thinks it's too much look, my family hates it, my mother hates it. We're about your lady. Lady does not like it. She thinks it's too much of a douche vibe. You know, she's like, you gotta watch on, you gotta, glasses, who are you? What are you wearing on the wrist there?

A.P. is getting you gotta fucking, I don't give a fuck! Holy shit! I'm lost my mind! Holy shit! Tom, I don't care. Big flex. Big, I don't give a fuck.

And I'm, by the way, I'm intermittent fasting. So, I'm, dude, I'm only sucking cock in my fasting window. You look really good. That, dude. You look really good. I appreciate it, man. So, what are you down? How much are you down? 35, baby.

35 LBs. Rendez, sink, go. So, you got, you're down 35. Yeah. You got the new, don't fuck with me glasses on. Yeah. An AP Royal Oak on the wrist. Yeah, I mean yeah, dude What's going on? I I

I have cancer And are we gonna keep going are you gonna keep going down on weight? Uh, yeah, I think okay So here's the thing so I had a goal I said on my podcast on Chrissy cancels I said if I don't get down, the goal is 205 pounds. I said, if I get down, if I don't get down to 205 pounds by June 5th of this year, I was going to cut off the tip of my pinky. I said I would cut it off on the Patreon. But I would say, yeah, by June 5th, I'm sorry. I would cut off the tip of my pinky. But now I've got, dude, I went on. It was March of, I'm sorry, it was August of 2022, my birthday,

and I was 255 pounds. Were you really? Yeah, and I was wearing, and I was wearing, you know, T.T. Jerry, you know, in my life, T.T. Jerry, my girlfriend's transgender uncle, lives with us, Google T.T. Jerry, she wears all different kinds of wigs. So I was fucking around on my birthday

and I put on one of her wigs and I got on the scale and I weighed 255 pounds and I said, I look like a fat Howard Stern. And you know what I think about TT also? I bet TT is real honest about how you look. Like when you're 255, she's like, don't look good. It don't, no, she was honest to me. And you know what she said about these glasses?

Cause you know, like she served 20 years in prison. Yeah. She was like, I sucked a lot of motherfuckers dicks in prison that was those glasses She was like the mafia don't want to tell you but they all love getting their dicks like by me. Yeah, I was like, okay I believe you but so so now I'm down to about two 15 to two 17 But I think that if two oh five might be a little much because I want to stay strong Well, here's the thing a a couple of things about it. People get, I mean, this is in my experience, people get married to the number.

And you know what I mean? We get obsessed on the number. It's really not about the number. It's your body composition at numbers. There's some people that carry 210 to 15 and they're like, yeah, that's perfect for it. Other people based on their body composition, their frame, 185 and they're like, yeah, that's perfect for it. Other people based on their body composition, their frame, 185 is like their per,

so if you just go like, no, it's this number, you can get to that number and it's not the right one. I mean, you look great right now, dude. Thank you. You look great. I feel, I will say, I'm 215 now, I have a before and after, I have a picture of me at 215,

not in shape and 215 in shape. And it's like, it's radically different. I'll show to you. It's like, whoa, one of my tips are pointing this way. And the other one, it's like, here's the thing too, though, what I've had to get over is, these fitness people that we followed, you're never gonna look like them.

They have committed a life to it. I don't, you look great now, but it's like, do we have six pack abs? No, and like there is a level that you're like, what, here's what you realize. If you wanna, if you go that, that guy can I look like him, the truth is, you can, you can look like him.

It becomes a matter of choices. Right. You're like, are you willing to make the choices to do that? And based on like your lifestyle and what you enjoy and what you do, how you travel, it's like you're probably not going to agree to do those things. Right. But you can still look great and be happy. Right. But you got to, you have to at least go, there are choices that I'm willing to make and ones that I'm not. Yeah. And I think too too when you get that in shape, those guys who do that, like I said, they dedicate their life to it, they don't have a personality because of them though.

Because it don't. I mean, you talk to some of these guys, they're great, but like you I've messaged some of them like, this guy's a retard. But that's why he's so strong and good and so you can, but to have a personality, you need to get out of the gym and talk, you know, they're just talking to their protein shakes. You can't do that. There's a level of, like, there's levels to this shit,

like anything. And with fitness, that's what you find when you start, like I've gotten way more into it in the last year. Yeah. And then what I find is like, I'm at a certain level and when you make a certain commitment, that's when you realize, oh, there's the people doing this much more

and this much more and then there's the people who are doing that much less than you. And you gotta, you have to pick a tier that you're comfortable living in. Right. The thing you don't wanna do is leave the, like go like, I'm out. Right.

Cause that's when shift falls apart. You have to, you have to, you have to have some level of commitment. I was thinking about this today. I don't know who's had a better glow up than you from what you used to look like. To now, the only person I could think of that looks better and that's like had a better glow

that's went from like, oh my God, to just gorgeous, is Elliott Page. That's one of the, is now Elliott Page looks great. Yeah. And yeah, see? He looks awesome. Yeah. So this is, so that's it.

But other than, I mean, when you look like, you know, when sometimes you're on the Netflix and you know, old Thompson Girl pops out. Oh, I know. It's like, dude, it happens. Wow. It happens to me too. And I also, you know what the one that actually happens to me?

This shows you the shame involved in this shit too. People will sometimes tag me in a photo. And you could tell there's like a gen, like they're like, oh my God, I can't believe you're coming back to Minneapolis. Right. I met you there in, you know, 2014, and then they post a picture of us together.

And I look at myself in the photo and I'll be like, fuck, like I'll be like, this looks so bad. That they're like, this was a great night. It's like a happy post. And I'm like, I don't wanna like acknowledge this. But you at that time probably didn't think anything. You were like, I'm happy. I did not acknowledge.

I, it's a level of delusion. I'll tell you the real truth, man. Last year, I didn't realize that it was happening to me again. You were getting big again? So this is what happened. When I got injured in December of 2020, right? I saw that video on PoinHub. And when I left the hospital,

one of the things people told me was they're like, you know, I became, I was already, I was a big dude, when I got hurt, I was over, I was close, I was 245, 247. Okay. And I get injured. And then everyone's like, you know, like literally, you can't move.

Like they're telling me, like, you know, you're not gonna be able to move. So what I started to do when I got out of the hospital, I'm home and I can't move. Like they're telling me like, you know, you're not gonna be able to move. So what I started to do when I got out of the hospital and I'm home and I can't move. And I started to eat really clean and really reduced portions. And I started to lose weight, but I was losing at the muscle and fat.

Like the muscle that I did have was gone because I wasn't doing any exercise. And I was losing fat, but I was just eating like, pretty clean every day. Right. When I finally became mobile again but I was just eating like pretty clean every day. When I finally became mobile again, I had lost all this weight, but I had lost muscle and fat. So then I started to get active again, I started to go out, I want to get active. I started lifting weights, light, doing stuff, eating.

I started putting on both, And then my tour gets crazy. I'm bringing a trainer on the road. But I start to get, I wouldn't say I got, I didn't get lazy with, with lifting, but I got lazy with diet again. Right. And it was last April. I shot this, I had a 12 days off and I went to April, I went to LA and I shot this project. And when I was leaving there, I remember somebody going, they said, keep, because they were telling me, they were like, you look good, because I started to lift again. And I keep going with the lifting and the diet.

And the way that I heard it, it wasn't like, you look great, like I'm telling you now, you look great. They were like, get back, it wasn't like you look great, like I'm telling you now you look great, they were like, get back, to me it sounded like they're like, you need to get back. Don't forget about the diet. Don't forget, yeah, don't forget because you're kind of on the line right now.

And I was like, that's how I swear, I thought they meant it that way, and at least that's how I heard it. And when I got home, I realized that I got on the scale and I had gotten up to like 2.38 again. And a few months prior, I was like 220. I was like, how did this? How did this?

So from that day, when I got home, I read adjusted workouts and diet and then it has just been a steady decline. What are you way now? 199 this morning. Wow. So is that the goal? Was the goal to be under two?

Well, I actually, I try not to obsess. It's like I was telling you, it's about body composition. It's like what, like, I don't know what my end, where I'll feel like this is the great way to carry around. I feel pretty good now. I definitely feel like I could definitely do more. I feel like you're saying that, but if like two days from now you were two all one,

you'd be looking in the mirror like, wait a go fatty! Oh, I think you're right. Yeah, I would be upset. I would be a fat fuck. But I definitely want to be leaner. No, well you, but dude, this is the best I've ever seen. You look, I remember, I don't know if you remember this.

You were, I think you were doing, it was when you were doing like the beacon and the hulu, the new, we in New York, and I randomly saw you outside of coffee shop. You think you were doing, it's when you're doing like the beacon and the hulu, the New York, and I randomly saw you outside a coffee shop. You were leaving your hotel and I was like, yeah, that was last year. And you looked like, dude, you had on this, and I was like, wow, I remember seeing,

I was like, first impression was like, dude, Tom looks like this, right? And then I was talking, because you were coming out and we were talking for about 40 seconds, you were on your next thing, off to your next thing, and then I saw you pull a muffin out of your pocket. I said he's hiding his tits. That's what it is.

That's a month before, that's one month before the conversation I'm telling you. This is what I'm saying. So you look to me, you look jacked, but you pulled a muffin out of the pocket, so that's the pocket. Out of the pocket, we're trying to, listen, I've been there before,

I said this is what happens, you know, but been there before, I said, this is what happens. You know, but you look good, but now it's now it's undeniable. And I think two, one happens is what I've given up on, not given up, but I've just let go. I said, I just want to be healthy now. Like it's about being healthy and I'm not going dated. Was that scale the thing when you saw the 255? Swear to God, I go on the scale, right?

555. And by the way, laughing about it with the family, even jazz, my girl, everybody's laughing, it's fun, we're being silly, you know. That's the sickness though, that's the enablers. Yeah. And then when you go, I wanna lose weight, jazz and the fam go, you're good.

Like when you start saying that and you're like, fuck, it's not good. And then, but what happened was, is that, and it just came over me, it was my, I never forget, it was my birthday, August 26. I went in the shower, I was in the shower, just like, you know, rubbing my tits, like just, you know, you know, putting,

so deep in my belly button, pulling crumbs out, laughing about fat Howard Stern, and I started to hysterical cry in the shower. For a while, I swear to God, uncontrollable, because I was like, I used to be an athlete, and I was like, you gotta, you have to do something, Chris. And then it's almost like, then they feel like, I don't want to say,

it's like the universe that tells you something or like maybe you're just looking, but I was on Twitter that day, maybe three hours later, just scrolling mindlessly and I see Elon Musk tweet zero fasting app really is good. If you're looking and it wasn't a promote, like it wasn't getting paid, he was just like genuinely like zero fasting app really is good. If you're looking and it wasn't a promote like it wasn't getting paid. He was just like genuinely like zero fasting up is zero intermittent fasting up is pretty good.

And I was like, you know what? Just download it. I said, your birthday just by Christmas, just be in the right direction. And then I started intermittent fasting eating in most days, eight hour window, some days a six hour window and kind of not even dieting crazy, like not even like, like I'll still have pizza, I only have sweets now on Saturday, but back then I was still having sweets here and there,

whatever, so I wasn't like, I'm only eating vegan lettuce wraps, it wasn't that, it was just staying in that fasting window. So you're doing a minimum of a 16 hour fast, is that what it is? Minimum of 16 hours, so like, you know, like typically my feeding window is like 10 a.m. to 6 p.m.

but sometimes it would go from 12 to 6. Or feeding window sounds like a real pig. Dude, I know. Well, that's what I am. I'm a real, I eat out of a trough. And so, and if I correct me if I'm wrong, but your lady is like a fitness lady. She's a fitness instructor and she was like,

and because the whole thing with the internet and fasting, where she was like, look, now, because I have a gym, like, you know, we have a nice gym setup. We turned like my garage basically just into a gym. So I was, so I have all the equipment right there and she was like, I'll help you. She was like, you know, get on the spin bike.

I was like, I'm not getting on the spin. What am I fucking? I'm not gonna, I don't need a bike in my ass. I'm not, you're a dov. So I, I'm not, that's Nadov stuff. Nadov spins. So I, so I, it that's an adov stuff, an adov spins. So I, so I, it's an adov really in rehab, by the way, is he just gambling is adequate for all of us.

All right, well, listen, my father was a compulsive gambler, so he can talk to him. Oh, we gotta talk Tampa Tony shit. Yeah, we will talk to him. By the way, Tampa Tony also in terms of in fasting drop 45 pounds. Looks fantastic, but now he has one of those neck pussies. Yeah.

It turns you on. And so, and so, and so, but now he has one of those neck pussies. Yeah, it turns you on. And so, and so, and so, but he looks great. But this fasting stuff, when I said to myself, was just stay in this eating window, just stay in this eating window for now for the first couple of weeks and try to take a food away a week, but just the first goal is just stay in the window. And what I started to realize what it was, after drinking, I watched this documentary once, it said the human body can survive 30 days without food. So this idea that I have, it's in your mind.

So I just thought, Mark Bell told me, Mark Bell is a big power lifter for this guy. Yeah, yeah. He's like, when I told him, I was like, yeah, I wanna drop weight and everything. He's giving me all this like different advice. And one of the things he says to me, he goes,

by the way, you know when you're hungry, and you're like, I need a snack. He's like, what are you six? He's like kids, like little kindergarteners, they have a snack. You don't always need a snack. If you're hungry, you think I need a snack, just wait. Yeah, you're not a little child who's like a snack time.

It's, yeah. And you're like, yeah. It's true. And even guy, I got Mark Bell, like a power lifter, he's probably, he's eating like a lot, and he's probably eating in a smaller window too. He's not eating all day. He's not, like, no, he's not picking out all day.

Right. So, so, so I say. Eating with purpose, right? So it's like knowing, knowing, I want to get this much protein in so he's making six eggs. Right. But it's eating when it's time to eat, but eating not mindlessly eating. Yeah.

So what I did, two things happened, critically like that happened to me. And this is when I, you know, it's all positive, but this is when the initial insanity started to happen is with the intermittent fasting, when I made two decisions, two big decisions in like an hour of each other. I said downloading the zero fasting app, you're gonna start right now, and then I said, I'm done with social media.

I know I need it for my tickets. I know, so I know it's like I can't be off it, like I need to have the presence there, but I said, I'm willing to pay a person to run this for me. And I'm talking about, give it up in the sense of I, to this day, do not even have access to my own social media. I don't see any of that. I don't even have the password.

I have no idea. But that was all by design. I like pressed the nuclear button on it and said, you give a, gave it to a friend of mine, my, my man Brian Moore, and who's fucking great guy, runs my social media, he's got a haircut like Lance a lot, like from the 1600s, you gotta see, I've never seen a guy like rock a bob,

like he looks like a medieval painting, but he crushes, and he's a big fan of you. And so he crushes my social media. So he runs it all because I actually, I was locked out of my social media, it just happened, got locked out of my Instagram, and there was an initial panic, but then I was like, as a couple of days went by,

I was like, wow, like not checking this, it's like making me feel better. And we got on a call with Instagram to try to get me back into my account because there's all these problems. And I already had Pire Brian, and we were on this call, and the guy says from Instagram, he's like,

you know, it's good that you have somebody running your social media. And I was like, yeah, I know it's like, you know, it's just easier for me, whatever goes on. No, I mean, it's good. He goes, we are doing studies right now, like psychological studies that are gonna be done over the next couple years for like anybody,

the number is only 20,000 followers, what they're finding right now. number is only 20,000 followers what they're finding right now Anybody has over 20,000 followers on any social media account It's not they said this used to be the negative comments how that will mess with your equilibrium Mess with your balance, you know mental balance mess with your spirit like you know negative You know we can't handle it, but they're seeing also the positive comments, throws off your ego, you get such these personality switches that it leads to like this depression, this anxiety, all these mental health issues,

and I found that, and he said, this guy said, he was like, you know, this, you'll see, like 50 years from now, people will be like, remember when they used to all be on social media, like how we look back like, remember whenever and used to smoke cigarettes. Yeah. It's the same thing because it's so poisonous for you. And to me, it's no coincidence that my whole,

like, I was able to drop all this weight and change everything and things just went... When you got it off of that. Social media got it off and then the weight came off. And then, to be honest with you, I was so nervous about ticket sales and all that and my ticket sales have just been going up because I'm spending more time being creative

and spending more time living my life. And again, social media is important. We live in the world where that's the only way to get to the fans so I do it. But and I'm writing the bits out, I'm filming the videos but I'm sending them to my guy. So I made a decision where like, if I don't know you, I'm filming the videos, but I'm sending them to my guy. So, no, but I made a decision where like, if I don't know you, I won't let a stranger influence me

positively or negatively anymore. Like, if you say anything, if you think I'm great, do you think I suck? It has zero effect on me, because I'm like, I don't know you, so I can't put any energy towards it. That's important, man. I mean, it's important.

I know a few, like very successful people with large followings that do what you do have zero access to their own stuff. And they feel like it's just a time waste. And they're able to do more. And the real interesting thing is, even before social media, it's this thing that I always thought about as a standup where

somebody tells you you suck, that feels terrible. Right. I'm talking about even in person, right? It's someone's like, you fucking suck. Right. You know, like, damn, that feels good. It feels bad. But then you realize that it's also,

you also don't want to buy into, you're the best, right? Because that, you really want to stay is somewhere where you realize both extremes are not good or realistic. You're not the worst at this or anything really. And you're not the best. Yeah, and if you start buying into either side, it's gonna fuck you up.

Yeah, and I think that that's why staying off it. You know, it's another big thing I noticed about not being on social media is, you know, I love Teddy Roosevelt. Love what he stood for. I love Teddy Roosevelt. I love what he stood for. I love Teddy Roosevelt. I'm gonna put his statues back up. I love Teddy Roosevelt because he had a quote that he may have stolen from the Native Americans

who knows, but he was known for that. And so, but he said was, comparison is the thief of joy. And when I read that, I was like, you're right, because I noticed the reason why I've been able to stick with my fitness plan thus far, is because I've been off social media, I can tell you how many times I would get going, lose the initial five pounds,

be in the gym for the three weeks, whatever, and then see somebody on social media who's absolutely shredded, absolutely ripped, doing all these things, and would make me subconsciously, I would compare myself to them. And then I would feel bad about myself and say, well, I'm not gonna hit my goal anyway, or same thing with my peers and standup.

You'd be like, you know, feel good about a show. Oh, I sold out, Daran, then you're like, oh, so and so sold out, seven shows there. And then you're happy for them, but you also start to compare, be like, well, I suck and all that went away. So stop comparing myself to others, but the bigger thing that I notice, I stopped comparing me to me.

I stopped comparing myself to what I was six months ago, because subconsciously, you'll look at some, you'll look at yourself from a few months ago, and it's the perfectly crafted picture of video, and you forgot all that. And you're like, look at how good I was back then, look at how great everything was back then. And your mind's playing a trick on you when I only deal with my life in small increments now. I literally am an hour to hour person. I'm like, and that's what works for me.

How great would it be if I'm saying this, saying all this right now, and then you find out tomorrow, I killed myself in my hotel room. Like, I hung myself right off the balcony. Fuck. I mean, wouldn't that be great? my hotel room. Like I hung myself right off the balcony. Fuck. I mean, wouldn't that be great? Well, I mean, honestly, for the podcast,

it'd be incredible. No matter what it is, it would be the biggest number. Yeah. And then you could take my data radio city. Yeah, I'm going to just warm up for the garden. Sure. No problem. Yeah. So all because all that evolution that you're talking about

happening, all of that led to you getting these glasses basically. Literally, when I walked in, as soon as I walked in, the first thing Anthony Aiden said, he said, somebody's been intermittent fasting. Somebody's been off social media. Somebody's not like a gay for 20. These are in the drawer that I keep these in and then you just gave them to you.

No, yeah, there's Tony like him, because I feel like he would, Tony like him, Tony, I'll show you, Tony has them. But not these exact ones, like my stepmom sent me a picture. She was like, look at your father from back in the day and he's got these, this is how he used to roll. So the reason why I got them initially is because I'm hosting a show for Vice, it's out now.

On Vice, it's called a Super Maximum Retro Show. It's about like the 70s, 80s, and 90s. Oh, perfect. Dude, we pull up videos and stuff that shit that would have went viral back in the day. But before the internet, we're bringing it back like crazy commercials, crazy things, everybody had a full bush.

And I was like, love it. And Jimmy Kimmel's executive producer of it. So I was gonna do the Jimmy, I did the Jimmy Kimmel show, and I was like, I wanna look like a 70s, 80s mobster. Yeah. So I came with a turtle neck suit. Oh, you look amazing. Yeah, I came out there, and I was like, I need glasses.

Like when I, you see old pictures of my dad and his friends, they always had shades on. So I was like, oh, guys, dude, right? Great, are you kidding me? Great people. And really, really nice guys, fully vaccinated. And, and so,, right? Great. Are you kidding me? Great people. And really, really nice guys fully vaccinated. And so, and so, yeah. So I just came out like,

and you look like, you know what you look like? Like when a guy, he did, like when the mobsters would do, like he did 15 years, but then he got a book deal. Yeah. And they're making it into a movie. That's me. And they're like, this guy, he actually waxed like 13 people. Chris is stuffin' everybody. Hey, hey, hey, hey, I'm a chain, you know, that's, I used toed like 13 people. Chris is stuffin' on me.

Ay, ay, ay, ay. I'm a chain, you know, I used to be a different guy. Yeah, yeah, well that's because like my mother, you know, because my parents got divorced when I was one, but my mother was like, you know, you were so great on Jimmy Kimmelhoney, he was so nice to see, she's like, but I really, it was very tough for me to watch

because you look exactly like what your father used to look like and I really hate that guy. I was like, I know, I know that guy was, but I said, mom, that guy was a fun guy. She was like, no, he wasn't. I was like, I know. I know that guy was, but I said, mom, that guy was a fun guy. She was like, no, he wasn't. I was like, yeah, he sounded pretty fun. He was fun right before you didn't like him. I mean, dude, Tampa Tony, Tampa Tony, by the way,

my pops, shot him out. He's moved, he's also lost 45 pounds. Are you still in Tampa area? Tampa, dude, he moved to Tampa in the middle of the pandemic. And didn't tell you, I remember this, where you were like, where are you in Tampa? Like, what are you doing there? I live here. Yeah, I told him he moved to Tampa in the middle of the pandemic. And didn't tell you, I remember this where you were like, where are you at Tampa? What are you doing there? I live here. Yeah, I live here.

Fuck you. You do it. Just moved there. Yeah, right when COVID was at a tight and he's been living there ever since. And he said, he likes living there because he likes walking in the pool. He's like, you know, Christopher, every day, I wake up, I put on my water shoes, and I walk in the pool. And that's what keeps me in shape. I was like, all right, well, dude, he's got water shoes and I walk in the pool. And that's what keeps me in shape. I was like, all right, well, dude, he's got water shoes.

My dad's one of the only guys, like he literally, he's so obsessed with these water shoes. That guy will have on like a $400 suit with water shoes. This, I think I saw this clip on Instagram. Yeah, that somebody, now I know somebody posted for you. Yep. Brian Moore and AKA Lance a lot had. Lance a lot posted the clip of you talking about being out

with your dad and you saw Steven Tyler. Oh my God. That was real. Dad being his pizza. Yeah, so we were at Joe's pizza in the West Village. Um, great, you know, some of the best pizza in New York, and my dad, this was, we were going to a next game, so this must have been, I want to say, early 2000s, something like that.

So we're there, we're hanging out, Ian Pizza before we go, take the train up to the game, and Stephen Tyler walks in. And everybody knows that that's Stephen Tyler, Like from Arles Smith, Stephen Tyler. And it's New York, so people are like, oh, shit, nobody's bombarding him. It's New York. So we see him and my dad's like, everyone's going crazy over this guy.

I was like, yes, it's Stephen Tyler. He's like, I know who it is. What am I fucking asshole? I was like, kind of. But he was like, I know who it is. I was like, okay. So then Stephen gets his pizza, he's with it, whatever is manager, whatever. And he starts, you know, I know who it is. I was like, okay. So then Steven gets his pizza, he's with it,

whatever's manager, whatever. And he starts, you know, taking napkins and oiling, blind the oil off a pizza. And my dad goes, this fucking guy. He goes, no way he's from New York if he's napkin, blind the oil off his pizza. I was like, Dad, it doesn't matter. It's like, he'll do what he wants to do.

Like, just let's eat the pizza, let's get to the game. He goes, I gotta fucking say something to this guy. I was like, Dad, please don't say anything to Steven Tyler. Like, please don't, like literally like this, it's not- Is your anxiety like this? Oh, through the roof. I was like, it doesn't matter if he's an African blonde

the oil off the pizza, like let him have cholesterol issues. Who cares? And my dad goes, I gotta say, he's like, it's such disrespect to do that in New York City. So I was like, okay. So my dad finishes the pizza, throws it out, and we're walking past it. And I'm like, please don't say anything.

And my dad just walks past and he goes, Hey, Bon Jovi, you don't need to nap and block the oil off the pizza. And then Steve, I swear to God, I turned around and Steve and had the slice like this far from his mouth mouth open like, did that guy just call me Bon Jovi? And then I was like, dad, he's from Arles Smith, he was like, same shit.

I was like, it's actually not. And then still to this day, I think Stephen, I think my dad thinks Stephen Tyler's a Lee Singer Bon Jovi. Sure, for sure he does. But if you showed him a picture and said, no, it's Arles Smith, he'd be like, yeah, it's whatever's Bon Jovi.

It's fine. Guys, got the hair, I get it. Yeah, yeah. Did I ever tell you the Phil Collins, my dad Phil Collins story? No, I'm like, oh my God. Guys, got the hair. I get it. Did I ever tell you the Phil Collins? My dad Phil Collins story? No. Oh my God. Okay.

So, you did tell me, he's got special needs. Yeah, special needs. That's Yankee Stadium. Yeah, that one. Yeah, that one up. By the way, that I close with that story in my new hour special. And sometimes people are like,

you said that story on Sugura. So what? I'm like, yeah, I said it in a different way. I'm doing it in stand-up format. And I ain't fucking done this. Yeah, of course. But just whatever, you just deal with it. And so why I don't deal with it anymore.

Now fucking Brian mid evil head deals with it. Sure. I wanna bad him. So I just want you to dumb hair, just flop into a basket. So Phil Collins, right? Yeah. So we're out of next, this was recently. Like I wanna say maybe threeping to a basket. So, so, Phil Collins, right? So we're out of next, this was recently, like I want to say maybe three, four years ago,

went in next game on Easter Sunday, okay? So, Easter Sunday, Nick's are not playing while they're playing against the Philadelphia 76 is kind of both bottom of the, you know, Eastern Conference at the time. So, you know how it is, you know, you're in New York, you're in entertainment, whatever, you can be on a list. I was very low on the list, but I was on the list

for it to get court side seats. Now, it being Easter Sunday, it's like a one o'clock game that both teams suck, no real celebrities wanna go to this game. So they go all the way down the list and they get to me. Chrissy D. They get to Chrissy D. And he calls me, the head of PR calls me

at about 11 a.m. the games that when he goes, listen, I got two court side seats, okay? You know, you can come down, bring a guest, like get here now, they're for you on the court. Great, call my dad. Because, you know, me and my dad used to go to the next game to sit in the upper deck, talk shit about, on Jovi, like we, we're, you know,

we're living a different life now. We don't have these glasses yet, but we're getting close. We're getting close, we're getting there. So, you're about 223 to 24. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I would say about that. Yeah. So, call my dad, and I was like, dad,

like, Nick's game, whatever, like, you know, we're gonna go, like, on the court, I said, you know, the guy told me though, like, it's, you know, it's the first time ever down there, like, it's, you know, it's first time ever down there Like there's a kind of most like it be major celebrities there. So don't say anything We can't talk to anybody and you have to like dress kind of nice like, you know, it's it's it's court side And I swear to God my dad's an issue response. He goes, I'll go with you He goes, but let me tell you something. I'll do whatever the fuck I want to do. Just know that. I was like, okay

So know that so my dad I swear like, okay. So, know that. So my dad, I swear he comes, again, he comes, shows up at my door. We didn't live too far from each other back then. He's wearing a Patrick Ewing, Nick's jersey, with a suit jacket, sweatpants, water shoes. No, no water shoes, but he's wearing, he's wearing a New York Nick's,

Patrick Ewing jersey with a suit jacket. I was like, you're a blazer. Yeah, I was like, you look like a fucking make-a-wish. Like, you in sweatpants? And sweat, that's just my dad. He will always wear it. If you ever see my dad in a suit jacket up, he always has sweats on.

And that's just how he rolls. Some of them don't look exact. It's not like they're bugle boys, but they are sweatpants material. Yeah. And he's wearing his new balance sneakers because he's like, I got a wide foot. I can't wait He always he'll I going shoe shop with my dad's like you got a 13 and a half wide

They're like what so he's like I got a I got it said he's like I have a keep on the new balance He's like I got the diabetes. I got you know foot issues. Yeah, so he was like they'll understand I was like okay, so I swear so we get to the game, right? We're walking in and now we're walking, like in, you know, we're walking down the tunnel where the players walk onto the court. It's cool for me, I'm trying to keep it cool

on my doing videos, but it's coolest. It's cool, shit, it's new, I grew up in Nick's family. This is cool. So and my dad's like, oh my God, you know, whatever, he sees like this is crazy, you know, like, you, oh my God, you know, whatever have you know, he's like, this is crazy, you know, like, you know, my own like these things like that. So we get to our seats and my dad goes, un-fuckin' believable. And I go, yeah, this is great. And then a guy's walking by, like, you know, like a staff member, he goes, can me my kid two cotton candies for me and my kid?

And the guy was like, oh, I'm sorry, sir, don't know I work for the team. I can get somebody over I was like, we don't need cotton candy I'm not you know, I'm not as I'm not a special needs retarded kid I don't need cotton candy at all. I know he looks I look like we're from a group home right now But I'm not I'm not I don't need cotton candy and then he swears to the guy goes all right I know cotton candy goes, but maybe the player, maybe the player can get a sign ball for my kid. He goes, maybe John Starks or somebody. I was like, John Starks and Tariq. Nick since 97.

Where it's, what are you talking about? And then I was like, Dad. 22 year old. Yeah, I swear to God, I said, Dad, Dad, I said, I love you, but just please stop. Because I've happened to, I want you to have a good time. Like, because that's all my dad. That's why I call my comedy special,

right, intention, wrong move. Because my dad just always, his intention's like, I love you son, I will have a good time, but the moves are always wrong. And so, we're sitting there, the game's going on, the game hasn't started yet, and my dad, looking around, kind of just taking all in, it's amazing, see Fatio across, I'm like,

wow, this is crazy. And so all of a sudden, my dad goes, I hear my dad, he goes, Chris, take a picture of my foot. I was like, what? I looked down, he had taken his shoe. I swear to Christ, his shoe and sock off, and he had his bare foot on the court. He goes, you step, mother's never gonna believe it.

Barefoot on the floor. I was like, dad, please, please, please, please, please, put your shoe back on. With that, a staff member is walking across the court from a different guy goes, he goes, sir, we do have a no barefoot policy. You have to put your shoe and sock back on. I said, if you ever seen anyone,

courtside take their shoe and sock off, he goes, I haven't. He just kept walking, but I took a picture of his foot on the court. I was like, that, like you got to stop, because it's just, you know, I told you stepmother that, you know, I got his foot on the court. I was like, that, like, you got to stop because it's just, you know, I told you stepmother that, you know, I got my feet on the floor. I was like, yeah, you can put it on with a sneaker.

Yeah, yeah. So now the game's going on. My dad's talking shit, you know, he's yelling at the ref, you know, he's like, oh, should I trip one of the other players? Should I trip one of the sixers? I was like, no, that will be arrested. Yeah. We're not at my CYO little league basketball games here

Where my dad used to get thrown out my dad used to get thrown out of those games all the time like we're sitting like at MSG so You know again, it's like celebrity row, but again, um, you know There were people there. I got in at the low end But there was so few celebrities there because it's Easter Sunday that at the low end, but there were so few celebrities there because it's Easter Sunday that they just had to get, you know, it's MSG, they want to put celebrities up on the jumbo, Tron, that's how it goes, right?

I'm not expecting at all, why would I ever be included? No, it's nobody knows, nobody cares. I get it, I get my place in this, I get it. So all of a sudden, you know, my, we tell my dad not to talk to anyone, right? He knows, and then he's having conversation with a guy next to him. And I don't even look at who it is, but he's just carrying on. All of a sudden, my dad has a bag of candy, because he wants a meester candy, it's for my friend.

I was like, what? So I was like, okay, so I take out like a Cadbury Easter egg eating it, give the bag back, still don't even look at who it is. With that, there's a time out, camera crew comes over to put the man my father was talking to up on the jumbo tron, it was Phil Collins. Whoa. My dad was sharing Easter candy with Phil Collins chatting it up, talking up a storm.

I have no idea, they put up Phil Collins, they played in the air tonight. D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D- My dad's going Philly like that like it's I swear like they're friends like that's how when you meet my game No, when you meet my father. It's an impression that like everybody loves my dad, right? So Great Phil. I was like, oh pretty cool. Now I'm like, oh my it's pretty cool Like Phil causes Sharon Easter egg. We can't I'm shaking his hand. Wow, Phil whatever Lights go back on, you know, there's timeout still, it's a full timeout. There's still a couple of, you know, 20 seconds left. I'm looking down, I actually was texting my girl,

being like, my dad's like Phil Collins, like, this is sick, whatever. I see the camera crew walk and I see them stop in front of me. Their feet and the wires from the camera stop in front of me and I look up, I was like, yes, they were like, Chris, Destalop, Destalop, Destalopano. I was like, yeah, Chris, Destalopano, they're like, you're next.

I was like, what are you talking about? They're like, you're on the jumbo, Tron. I was like, after Phil Collins, no, I don't wanna go on the jumbo, so I was like, no, I don't wanna go. And I have it up on Instagram the first couple of seconds because I just didn't know I'm going like this, like waving it off. And they have Chris of seconds because I just didn't know I'm going like this like waving it off

And they have Chris to step it out, you know, whatever it was fucking MTV dick code whatever Shit, you know nothing to promote and I swear to Christ it was 18,000 people cheering like they just saw Jesus 18,000 people pin drop silence nothing. I swear to Christ. I and I swear. I, you know, 50 rows back. Oh, who the fuck is that? All I felt is my I swear to Christ and then I feel a hand just rubbing my back slowly It's my dad and he just goes you can see him slightly coming to frame. He goes it's all gonna be okay It'll be over soon Just rubbing my back and then I swear to Christ, with that bomb, just sweat dripping down my back,

I see another hand, it's Phil Collins with a bag of Easter candy. Oh my God. Phil just gives me a bag of candy like that. That's okay. Yeah, it's okay. And it was one of those things where it was so embarrassing. Yes.

It was so, I feel it, you know, I feel it for you. It dude, it was the worst thing ever. And then I said, I said to Phil Collins, I was like, has that ever happened to you like that? He was like, not that I recall. No, no, it hasn't. But he said, you know, you shake it off and he was like, the good thing is people always forget.

They always forget. I was like, they don't forget you. He goes, yeah, not me. There it is. Yeah, yeah, that was it. That was it. That was it. That was the moment. And that was my face after the bomb.

That's what I looked like. Yeah, like I got punched in the dick. Yeah. That was so bad. I had not the same experiences you, but a little bit where it was when you saw me. That week you saw me. Okay.

So I'm doing a bunch of pockets. I'm doing, you saw me okay. I'm doing a bunch of I'm doing tell me muffins. I'm doing yeah Beacon Hulu on believe in long Island Kings and Brooklyn and the new Jersey He's so like 40,000 tickets in New York. It's just spread out right yeah, so Because I'm doing the Hulu I get the call from my agent. He goes you want to go to the next game? Core side and I go fuck yes, I love I love the NBA. I love and he goes, you wanna go to the next game, court side? And I go, fuck yes. I love the NBA, I love, I go, this would be awesome, man. So I get their same experience.

We're in the tunnel, I'm like, man, this is awesome. And you know, take pictures, I'm trying to take it all in, I'm like really enjoying it. Sit down, I sit next to Liv Schreiber and his family. He's his wife and kids. Right. And he's real New York, you know. Very New York, God.

He's got the New York hat on and, you know, beautiful family. They're sitting to my right. And I'm just sitting there talking to my, and it's not a big game, you know, it's a, who the next plane. I forget who they're playing, but we're at the Oklahoma City Thunder. It's something like that, and we, I have to, this was unbelievable.

I'm, I'm just being lazy. I have an, a diet coke that's in a plastic cup between my feet and every once in a while, I'm recording some stuff. Sure, so I'm just being a fan. I record myself doing just regular dipshit stuff. And at one point, I take my phone and I'm better than I do and I drop it into the Diet Coke

and the Diet Coke spills out onto the floor and I feel a level of panic that I cannot describe because it's as it's spilling out, there's the line that is the out of bounds and it's creeping towards that. So I think it's about to go on to the court Game is being played the game active game play active game Wow, and I'm seeing it grow and I'm like, huh, and I don't know what to do. I'm like hey

I'm like Andrew and I grab him like look at my shit. He's like oh fuck And I'm like and I I call an attendant over yeah, I go and look at this shit. He's like well He's like I can't clean it right now. I got to clean it during a break. And I go, what if it gets on the court? He goes, if it gets on the court, the ref will stop the game.

And they'll they will clean it. And I was like, oh, fuck, dude. I go get your ass in here right away. So I go, get towels right now. So he runs away. And the whole time, I'm just like, I mean, I don't know what's happening in the game. I'm just in a panic. And all I can imagine is that they're just there's just gonna be cameras going like

Doom yeah on me and they're like look at dipshit drop like show me in slow-mo dropping it yeah going in there And then they're being a delay oh, and then I'm picturing a player coming to be like the fuck is this shit? Yeah, I'm slipping yeah right in front of me And I just and they finally it's like a foul whistle and be like, the fuck is this shit? On the bow, it's slipping right in front of me. And I just, and then finally it's like a foul whistle and I look at the guy, he's like, and they come over, clean it all up. And it had just stopped, right? So they didn't have to stop play.

So it stopped right before the court started. The level of panic that I felt. Yeah, because you're like, because you would know that it's all your fault. All my fault, and I imagined, in my head it had been captured by, oh yeah, you know. No, that was the promo.

They're like, come see Tom at the Hulu Theater as you're cleaning up the soda with a towel. And I actually had a little bit, like when you were talking about, I had panic about the jumbo tron. Yeah, because they did put a couple of people up, I don't remember who they put up, but there was other celebrities at the game,

and I remember going, I don't wanna be on that, because I don't remember who they put up, but there was other celebrities at the game, and I remember going, I don't wanna be on that, because I don't wanna hear. It doesn't feel good, right? I was like, I go, because that's what will happen, they'll be like, what the fuck is he? But that's the, that's the beautiful, that's the interesting and beautiful part about,

let's career like yours. Like, you'll sell literally 30, 40,000 tickets in a city easy. No problem, do MSG, whatever. And then, but because it's we have, we all have such specific fan base, you still have that anonymity. Yeah, you might be able to not, not obviously walking outside, you show, be crazy, but you might be able to be three blocks away from the garden. You have it sold out and not one person says anything to you. Especially to see New York too. New York is interesting because you can be... Also, there's cities where people are huge fanziers,

but they're very reserved and how they express it. Right. And then you go to rural Indiana. Yeah. And it's like people react to you like you are Steven Tyler. Right. Or Phil Collins, right? They can't believe it. They can't believe that you're in a small, small town. New York, Seattle, Chicago, LA, people are just like,

what's up, man? Yeah, big fit. It's always pretty cool. Keep it moving. Yeah, keep it moving. Do you want, are you gonna do MSJ? Do you, is that like a goal for you? Or you don't care about stuff like that?

No, I think it would probably be on the next tour. Yeah. Like you, because for me, in comedy, I only've ever had two goals doing this, and they've been the same since I started in 2010. Get a sitcom on the air about my father, my father and I's relationship, or just my father, like either playing my father

or something about my father, because we used to watch everybody loves Raymond together, and I was like, I wanna do that. I wanna have, I wanna to watch everybody loves Raymond together. And I was like, I want to do that. I want to have, I want to be like everybody loves Raymond, but like my style with my dad, like that's what I want. And then the second goal is MSG. That's the only thing that I wanted to do. And like it's very, very, very like laser focused on that.

Like I don't care if I sell, you know, a hundred tickets in one city, but I'm adding shows in New York. For me, it's like, doesn't matter. It's like, just get to New York, get to MSG. That's what it is. So that's why, with this radio city thing, while this is coming out in a couple of weeks, but today, it's been on sale for a week. It holds 5,800.

I got like 4,500 tickets sold already. So it's like moving. Moving dude. But now what here's the human mind, right? Here's what happens is I'm so excited about that. But now my agent's like, maybe we add one. It's always how it is. And so which is beautiful, but now it's like pressure again.

Now it's like, because he says, he goes, well, because maybe goes if you add one, if you add a show and you sell that out, well now the people at MSG are like, huh, this guy can move serious tickets in New York. Maybe he can do MSG in two years. And you start to get like that. And then, but you have to, I have to remind myself

very quickly, like the goal, the fact that Radio City even went on sale is should be enough for you to take pause and accept and be grateful. We all have it. You should know that. We all have that same thing. even went on sale, it should be enough for you to take pause and accept and be grateful. We all have it, you should know that. We all have that same signal. It doesn't go away. And yeah, I would like to do that on the next tour to do MSG and a couple other places that we can do it.

But I will tell you this about adding. I mean, if you announced it very recently, and you're almost sold out, you can do it. But it takes me back to, I remember I was talking about this very same thing with CK, with Louis. Yeah. And you know what he said to me?

He goes, you know what the best thing that someone that can say about you after you've left the city and your show? Yeah. I couldn't get tickets. I couldn't get tickets. That's good tickets, yeah. And there is something in that too, that this sells out,

well, you're always gonna sell out, and then everyone's like, what, and then whatever you do next time, it's that much more bigger. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I always hated the thing too of like, what if we had the show and we sell 4,300 tickets? Like to me, I'm like, that fucking sucks.

Yeah, then it's not sold down and I shouldn't have done it. I know, and then, you know, even my family like jazz and even my dad was like, you know, when I brought it up to him, he's like, yeah, he's like, but we're all coming in, the show's at seven o'clock, we're gonna do an after party, we'll have dinner, like if you add a show, then it's like,

you're not staying out till midnight. That's true. This is bigger than, my dad's whole thing was like, if you're gonna get to the garden, you're gonna get to the garden when it happens. That's also true. You're gonna bring your daughters, you're gonna have your family there.

Like why don't you just sell it out, God willing sell it out, and then have a nice after party, we'll have a great night, and it'll be a great memory. I think that's good, but I mean, obviously do whatever. Well, I was like, yeah, I would do that, but I need money to buy new glasses.

Yeah, these glasses are not fun. Dude, you know, I gotta get more watches. Yeah, that's it, you got the fuck. That is, you leapfrog people with that. I literally, when I did it, because you know, Andrew Santino, the great Andrew Santino, I was like, I wanna get a watch. And then we were talking, and you know, because I know, knew a little bit about the world, not as much as I said, well, Andrew'sino, the great Andrew Santino, I was like, I wanna get a watch. And then we were talking,

and you know, because I know, knew a little bit about the world, not as much as him. Andrew's like, I know you guys watches, Rogan watches, but he was like, he was like, dude, he was like, what about this one? And then he sent me a link to this, and then I saw the price, I was like,

but it's that much money. He was like, I know. He was like, dude, just fucking do it. And he was like whispering through the phone. He was in Australia, he was like, just do it. So you just got it. Yo, yeah, just fucking do it. And he was like whispering through the phone. He was in Australia. He was like, just do it. So you just got it. Yo, yeah, I got it too.

Let me tell you something, hand it over. I got this thing two weeks ago, and the glasses two weeks ago, they haven't come off. 14 days. What do you think about it? Sweet. Beautiful. You like that?

Yeah. Cool. Yeah. You go to an AP place to get it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Shout out my guy, Yani, Material Goods, New York City. New York City. Yeah. It's a beautiful piece, man. Yeah. Yeah. Keep it. These are thanks, man. You know, I've always been a big hit. Do you have what kind of watches do you have? I have a Royal Oak. It's something like this. It's different, but yeah.

It's got more of the complications. Yeah. No, I think that's fantastic. This is what it's great. Idiot, I'm like, I'm like, how do I put it on? No, that always happens. I know, because I, I didn't know Santino was that into them. No, Santino is big.

And you know what I like about a watch? Like this is, first of all, like honestly, like I know, it's just, you know, some people are like, oh, like one member of my family's like, you just fucking douche thing to do. I was like, you know what, man, it made me feel proud of what I've done in my career. That's all that matters.

It made me, you know what it made, it took me back, it was like, I remember being on the elliptical at Force Fitness in Ridgewood, Queens in 2010, thinking about, do I wanna do comedy? Am I too much of a pussy? And I remember just fucking working it like a stepmom on the elliptical

and saying, if you're gonna do comedy, Chris, I remember, it was August of 2010, you need to do it right now. You need to finish, you need to hit your cardio goal and this elliptical like this fucking aerobic class. And then get off, go back to your mom's house where you live, take a shower and go find any open mic. And that's what I did in that moment.

I went to the creek in the cave, and Long Island City Queens, open mic, shout out Rebecca Trent, and I did an open mic there at 5 p.m. and bombed horrifically horrible, but I said, you know what, you did it. And I was like, that's it, this is what I'm doing. And it took, when I got this watch,

it took me back to then. I was like, dude, you fucking... All the matters is, hey's it, this is what I'm doing. And it took, when I got this watch, it took me back to then. I was like, dude, you fucking... All the matters, hey, this is goes back to like staying off of social media. It doesn't matter anybody says. It matters how you feel about it, what it means to you. That's it, and it's one of those things

where it's like even talking to like, you know, my account and when I run everything by, I'm like, you know, I'm very nervous, you know, running a whole family. So I'm like, he was like, listen, he was like, first of all, I fucking like it, dude. He goes, I like Chrissy Glasses. He was like, this guy has a good time.

And I was like, yeah, and he was like, the beautiful thing about a watch like that, it appreciates, you didn't really, you spent, you spent the money and you didn't. He was like, so you have, this is an asset, you're not, you did not buy a depreciating asset, you bought an appreciating asset, we stay in that lane. And he said the same thing, you did, he was like, if you like it, then just do it. Just do it. And don't feel bad for you being in a place to do these things. Cause I think

sometimes what happens is, is like my family member, who's a good guy, but he's a little bit down on his luck right now, which we've all been. And he thinks like me having success takes it from him. And I'm like, of course, it has nothing to do with you. It's that famine mentality. Yeah. It's gone, you have it. And then that somehow is an effect on him,

which of course it has nothing to do with him at all. I'm like, I'm like also dude, like we're a family. So like, if one of us is doing a little bit better, I understand shit is fleeting and maybe five years from now you're the one here and I'll help you like I'm not gonna get you watch but I you know not gonna give you this one yeah you know I'm Tommy Barris today I usually have a watch on yeah I'm going to South America and they were fucking yeah dude so I'm not bringing a fucking thing they will cut your fucking

enough yeah nothing no no no South America so where we going I'm going to You're not gonna think they will cut your fucking hands up. Yeah, nothing. No necklace. South America. So where are we going? We're going to Argentina. Out of Argentina. Nazis, a lot of Nazis there. Let's put them open in with. And then Chile, you're going like south of the equator.

Oh yeah. And then I'm doing Lima, visit some folks, and then Mexico City. Wow. That'll be fun. We are. Yeah, well, jewelry. Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, jewelry.

And my Patreon will pay your ransom for your pen after. Oh, dude, yeah. I got armed fucking guards. Are you going just to your bring in the family? No, just me. Just me in like 16 bodyguards. That's seriously. That's all you need.

Got it. Guys on a back of a truck with a fucking machine gun. Yeah, that's what we're going around like guy's on a back of a truck with a fucking machine gun. Yeah, swinging around like that. Are you gonna do the shows in Spanish? No, I'll do English shows, but just do a couple of bits in Spanish. Right, no, that's, see stuff like that is very cool because like you're actually, I know that they have comedy there, but like when somebody like you goes down there,

like brings comedy awareness down there and then opens up the gate in years to come for like people like me. That's awesome. Which is awesome. Yeah, I know people have done it. I know Gaffigan's been down there. I know a couple other people have done some gigs. So I'm not excited.

I'm excited. I'm excited for the people in Peru to see white Jim Gaffigan just walking in. Like just a god. Just a god. Another thing I had to bring up, because you talked, it would be hilarious if you killed yourself later today.

Yeah, it's possible. But that you, this was again on Instagram, I watched the whole thing. You talked about you witness an attempted Sui Wui off of like two guys. This is real. Do it. The Sui Wui, which is what we call Suicide.

We make it fun in my house. Do it. Lime house. Um, dude. Lampy. Dude, is this in your building? This was in my friends building. So I had two friends, Frank and Johnny. Frank's a great comic back home. And listen, gay guys, they have a good time.

Everybody knows like gay guys, they have fun, they're doing math, they're, you know, like, no, they do like that thing. Like the gay guys, if you go out with a group of gay guys, they really hit it hard and it's a beautiful, it really is like a beautiful thing, right? But, Bird and I one time went out, well we were, this is like more than 12 years ago. We were working out at this place in West Hollywood

and our, like instructor was gay. Yeah. And he was great. And one night he was like, you guys wanna come out? And we went out with him in West Hollywood to all the huge gay bars. And it was a blast.

It was super fun. Yeah, no, I swear to Christ, I went out one night with TT Jerry, just Jerry and I. And Jerry was like, let's have some fun. I told Jerry, I'll take him out in Nine of the Town and I went out with a gay transgender man And I woke up in the backyard Full backyard sleeping on at the bottom of my kid's slide. I know I got there

I just woke up because we just went crazy and he's probably spiked my drink and whatever whatever it is We had a good time, but I what let me tell you about Frank and Johnny, okay real story This I you know, I put it out there and what I'm about to tell you is true. This is true. This is not fabricated for the stage. This is I sat down and I witnessed it. And I genuinely I swear to God, I was like, did I die? Am I on Iawaska? What just happened? So we're you know, after shows, it's two o'clock in the morning, it's New York City. My friend Frank goes, you want to come over back to our place, you know, keep drinking whatever. This was at a time when me and Jasmine were co-parenting, so we weren't together at that time, so I didn't

have to be home. My kids were, my daughter just had one kid at that time, was with her mom. I was just going to go back and, you know, sit and jerk off in my apartment anyway. So I was like, am I supposed to go hang out with these gay guys? Yeah. So and get jerked off. So I said, I said, all right, I'll go. So we're going, we're in the cab going and I could, they're pretty hammered, right? And I'm like, whatever, it's just fun. I'm buzzed too. Do they try to turn you at any point? Never. Never. Never not once. Truly, truly never. Frank, Frank told me that he knows for sure I'm buzzed to. Do they try to turn you at any point? Never. Never not once. Truly, truly never. Frank told me that he knows for sure I'm not gay,

even though I would ask him, I feel like I could be gay. He was like, no, you're not gay. He's like, because you know, you play around, you want to suck dick, whatever, as long as it's in my fasting window, like whatever jokes you do. He said, but then you also have body dysmorphia.

Like you also are like, you know, like, you're a little bit like, he was like, you're like this bigger guy, but you think that you're not in blah, blah, blah. And you're like embarrassed about your nipples and all that, he said, gay guys wouldn't do that. Gay guys are like proud to be gay, proud of their bodies. He was like, it's straight guys that you're a little bit like.

That's 100, okay, I just learned that I'm straight because I'm the same way. And it kinda, it kinda clicked, because I was like, cause you would think it's the opposite, because no gay guys are like, you know how many gay, they'll take their shirt off, you know, Sam Smith, whatever,

cause gay is just like sex, body positivity. Straight guys are like, no, my nipples. I don't feel I'm proud about how I'm making it. I'm very insecure. So, I was like, okay, so we're going, they're drinking, and then Frank, and because I went to their house a couple of times over the years for their Super Bowl party, they always throw a good Super Bowl party,

and Frank makes this really good ranch dip. It's like homemade ranch dip, who knows what's in it? I know you guys a lot, I probably come, maybe. If it is, it is, it's good. Still delicious. Delicious, and I said, it is, it's good. Still delicious. Delicious. And then said, you know, buzz, I wasn't intermittent fasting back then. So I was just fucking a free for all with everything.

I was thinking it's free for all. So I, he said, I'll make the ranch dip. I was like, I'm in. Let's go. So go having a good time. And Frank and Johnny were arguing a little bit. They were just a little bit like, is Johnny out with you to begin or just when you get home? Johnny's with us the whole time

Johnny's Frank's partner, but he's not a comic and Johnny is more flamboyantly gay, right? Like Johnny is like how like 100% like Nadav gay, like gay gay gay, like you know it. How soon did you see it? You were like that guys got come dripping out of his ass So so high level gay. We're setting back to the fucking tables Yeah, we're Frank you would never know Frank was gay like Frank is like like no clue like he's like oh shit You're gay. Okay. No idea until he we were friends for like two three years and he's like oh this is my my partner Joe I was like what what your business? What the hell yeah, like I thought I don't know you guys That's why you would always like fucking rub my leg on the road and shit.

Just slowly massage my balls. I thought it was because we were boys and you said you were like into, you know, healing. So I, so we go, so we get to their apartment, by the way, beautiful apartment they have. They always have the best decor. Beautiful decor, but then his partner does very well, like, you know, restaurant tour kind of guy,

very well good stuff and beautiful, very well, like, you know, restaurant tour kind of guy, very well good stuff, and beautiful layout. Gorgeous, you know, like you said, great pillows, Gaze, good with pillows. And so we go, Frank starts making the dip, having a good time, and like Johnny's like, you know, again, he's getting, he's just mad. He's like, you know, whatever Frank, like you hear shit like that,

and he's like, oh, okay, drama. So Frank brings out the dip, and I mean, this is like a hell of a batch. Like he had toasted warm pita, the ranch dip. He gave me like a, like a, like a bud light seltzer. And you'd been drinking already. I've been drinking already. So we're eating this dip and it's so good.

It's like, it's like warm. The bread's warm. I'm like, this is literally heaven. Like, give me your cock, put it in my mouth. I want it in my mouth for the rest of the night. Like, I'm just, I'm ready to go. And so it was awesome. And they, and they are giving picks up a bit.

Cause again, it's like, imagine like, you're drunk with your wife, like you start, and there's pro, it's the same shit, but now it's two guys. So it's like, it gets, it gets, the octane goes up and it gave fight very quickly. I did not know that. Cause it's two men it gets, it gets the octane goes up and it gave fight very quickly. I did not know that because it's two men fighting at the end of the day. Biggie goes all that. So Johnny says to Frank, you know, they're mumbling shit. And then Johnny, I don't

know if she says to Frank, she goes, Johnny goes, I know you're cheating on me, motherfucker, like that, motherfucker. And then Frank's like, shut up, Johnny. No, I'm not. He goes, I have the proof. I know you're cheating on me, motherfucker. I have the proof then Frank's like, shut up, Johnny. No, I'm not. He goes, I have the proof. I know you're cheating on me, motherfucker. I have the proof. He's like, singing it. I was like, oh my God. I was like, you're just watching this.

I'm just watching this and I'm saying to myself, I've been in a relationship with a Puerto Rican girl for close to 10 years. They have the proof. So if they're saying you need to cop to it now, the only way is to say I fucked up, I fucked up, I was in Tuscaloost, there's nothing to do and I hate some farmers' ass.

I'm sorry. So it happens. Just own up to it, they'll go to bed and if you keep lying, this is where it gets bad. And then Frank goes, no, I didn't. And Johnny goes, I have the text you want me to read them. And then Frank, I guess, makes this split decision to say, I'm caught.

I'm fully caught. Chris is here. Yeah. There's no way out of this unless I just drop a nuke. And I guess that's what his split second decision was. And I guess, keep in mind, we're on the 38th floor of a beautiful like luxury Manhattan building. They have the door open Balcony out there, you know sure beautiful options are cop to it or drop a bomb drop it's it That's the only options right here. So Frank decides option to I'll drop a bomb

Frank says to him. I swear to God, I'm eating there, I'm like watching this, I'm eating your eggs. It's fucking a lot of eggs. Dude, I literally was amazed. So Frank says, you know what, Johnny? I am cheating on you. And guess what? I also gave you AIDS.

So that, that was the first time all night that I stopped eating. Because I said, whoa, wait, hold on, wait a second, wait a second, wait a second, wait a second. I did not know that anybody here had AIDS. Right. Supportive of whatever you guys need for me. I want to just, Frank, did you wash your hands before you started making this video?

You've been slicing up lines. Were there any small cuts? Like, I can't, so I don't know if AIDS gets killed in the gastrointestinal system. Like, I can't necessarily come home with AIDS because jazz is not going to believe that I got it from you. She's going to think that I got it from that girl and that girl doesn't listen. So, so he goes, so I'm like stunned, right? The whole thing changes.

Obviously that's a moment. That's a moment. It's three o'clock in the morning and I'm like, am I drunk? Are we on drugs? What's happening? So then Johnny goes, that's real fucking nice, Frank. Real great, motherfucker!

You gave me a And then I was like what is my night right now people are screaming you gave me aids I don't know what's happening, okay? So a couple of moments go by and Johnny just starts pacing just starts pacing and then Frank is just kind of like looking and looking, like I saw a part of Frank, like Frank turned into a guy, like a real guy, like what mother fuck, like you wanna fight me about it? Like it wasn't like a dainty gay man, it was like something came over, like I'm fucking locked in

on you now, like say something stupid. So I'm thinking they're gonna get into like an actual fist fight. And so I'm kind of standing up, you know, wanting to protect my friends. I know it's dry, but I was gonna say, like Frank, let's get out of here, like, stay with me, whatever, like I,

I'm like gonna witness like a real domestic dispute here. So, Johnny with that says, you know what, Frank, Chris, this is great. What a great night. What a great night, we've all had, because of you, Frank a great night. We've all had because of you Frank great night that we've all had. He goes, I bid you both a farewell. Walks towards the balcony steps up onto the balcony on the 30th, jumps off. Frozen in time. I'm Elsa, frozen.

I literally don't know what to do. Frank doesn't know what to do. You guys are both standing there. Panicked. Like, when something like that happens, when someone you witness a silly, will we? When that happens, there's no playbook. There's nothing you can do. there's nothing you can say,

it just, you're frozen. So it felt like a lifetime, like truly like just standing there and panic. It must have been an actual time, two seconds, less, because all of a sudden you hear, fuck, I think I broke my legs! I, we run over, he landed on the 36th floor, because what happened was, it's they had a short balcony, the 36th floor, this guy had like a jumbo apartment. That's exactly. balcony stuck out, like he had like a thousand square foot balcony.

So he landed there. So I run over and I see him. I see him like laying like, his leg is bleeding. Like he has a compound fracture. Bone stuck through the leg, like, he had a Thompson Grub fracture. So he literally bone out, bleeding out of the leg. So it's like crazy.

So the man from the 36th floor, heard a loud thud, turns on the light and runs out. Like runs out to see. I don't know if they knew each other, but like runs out to see. And again, because just all in the moment, I swear to God, I yelled down from the 38th floor. I said, be careful, he has eights. So don't touch his leg. It's bleeding. So, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, I was like, I need to get this guy assistance. I need to, I can't be caught in all this. Like nobody should even know that I'm here. I'm gonna anonymously call 911 and leave. So I call 911, telling the ad just whatever come.

With that Frank comes running back up the stairs. He goes, Johnny's down there. He's like in a lot of pain. He goes, I gotta look for like a turn to kid or something. I was like, all right Frank, I call 911. They're on the way. You know, I'm gonna go, he goes, you can't leave. You, I need you Chris, please. It's like, I need you, I need you.

I need you here for support, I need you. I was like, all right, well, like, what do you want me to do? He's like, just help me find something for like a tourniquet. And this is New York City, like whatever it was, maybe three, four years ago, this one, the cops would come. This is like, you know, this before Bill DeBlasio ruined our city. This is when the cops would show up. So, they must have been on a call,

like maybe like even in the building, because dude, they showed up EMTs, showed up to the 38th floor, maybe within 90 seconds, really? Okay, now this is where it gets unbelievable, but this is where it's as true as true can be. And this is a 100% true fact. I couldn't believe when this was happening.

I was like, am I, I thought I was in a sketch at this point. I thought maybe I did get SNL. Maybe I did get it and I just forgot. So, you know, EMT's Ring the Bell, you know, here, now I'm on one. I hope, again, I don't, I want to be anonymous here. I'm in an apartment at 3.30 in the morning with two gay men.

I don't, this is not a good look. Yeah. Support the gay community, but it's like, I don't need this. Yeah. So I open the door to let the EMT in. It's my first cousin, Mark. On my father's side. Your first cousin. My father's brother's son, Mark. My first cousin, Mark. On my father's side. Your first cousin.

My father's brother's son, Mark. My first cousin, Primo. First blood relative who is an EMT in New York City. He's the one that shows up to the call. I don't want anyone to know I'm there. It is my first cousin who I've known my whole life was at his birthday party six months before. My dad, he opened the door and I opened the door

and I was like, Mark, he was like Chris and he sees Frank sweating, you know, like just dripping in sweat. He hears his queen husband 20 feet below screaming at his legs broken. I have ranch dip, which looks like come all over my lips and I swear to Christ, Marks, I swear to Christ, the first thing he said to me, he goes,

I'm not gonna tell your father. And I was like, yeah, but it's not what you think it is. He was like, well, this is safe with me. We're here in a medical, this is business. This is a medical call, take me to the victim. You do whatever you do in your off time, okay? Dude, he goes, this is, I got, it's patient, confidentiality. Your father will never know.

I was like, dude, I'm not gay, I'm here, they're my friends. And then he goes, whatever, dude, just get me to, I need to help the guy. So we go down there, help, I go down there with them to the ambulance, whatever. They're loading him into the ambulance, you know, big air cast on his leg, fucking stretcher. As they're loading, as they're loading Johnny in, you know, if I'm there his leg, fucking stretcher, as they're loading Johnny in,

you know, I'm there with Frank, I'm not gonna go with him to the hospital, but I'm there. Frank says to Johnny, he goes, honey, you know, I was kidding, I don't have AIDS. And then Johnny goes, I know, she goes, I know, we got excited. I said, what do you mean, you know?

I said, Frank's like, sometimes he gets crazy when we fight. I was like, he just did a back flip off him in hat and high rise. What are you talking about? He goes, this is how we get. We just get crazy. This is like a normal fight. So then I find out that he's for fun jumped from the 38th to the 36th floor multiple times. What?

Like, they've done that, they do math. That's what they do. A multiple times when that man hasn't been home. They've jumped down. then when, you know, gotten back up, like they've done that. I bid you both farewell. I bid you both farewell. So they, he knew that I did not know that, but he knew.

And the thing is with like a gay fight like that, is that happens like crazy level of fighting. Yeah. They were in Turks and Kekos a week later. Rehabing is like two weeks later, they're in Turks, like nothing ever happened. When meanwhile, you know, like with Jasmine, you know, Puerto Rican girls, like,

I remember one time I accidentally, accidentally liked one of her sister's bathing suit picks on Instagram. And I woke up with a knife in my sternum. Seriously? Yeah, she was not fucking around. You just scrolled and hid it? Yeah, I hid it, she was not fucking around. You had scrawled and hid it? Yeah, I hid it. It was a full acid.

You ever scrawled and hit follow? I don't want to follow. And then hit unfollow. Yeah, and then it looked even worse. And then the person, I've had a person notice. Yeah. Did you just follow me? Yeah.

And I'm like, yeah, I was just a thumb thing. I didn't even want to follow you. Yeah, I have. And so that literally, that story, because people, you know, I told I, I, I have and and and and so that literally that story because people, you know, I've told that on stage, I think I put it in a special or online or something and oh, no, I put it on my album, Chrissie New York comedy club, which is out now.

And, and I, and people like that didn't happen. And I'm telling you, Tom, it happened. It's one of the craziest stories. All up to Mark, it happened. It's one of the craziest stories. All up to Mark. It happened. And does Mark, does Mark know, no, has Mark heard you tell the story? The only thing I've changed is Mark's name. It's his name is not Mark, but because I just don't, you know, as he heard the story told.

Yeah. Yeah. He was like, dude, it's fucking crazy. He was like, I know you were gay since your five. I'm like, I'm not gay. He's still, but my whole family's like, you're gay. They're like my dad, but my dad's kind of old school guy. They think, my dad thought I was gay because I love blueberries when I was a kid. It's that, my dad's old school guy. Blueberries.

Blueberries. Kids gay. Like I had a stiff neck. It's just getting better now, but I took my kids to Disney and I had a stiff neck. And you get a stiff neck. Like you know, you get a stiff neck like I was holding my kids all day and a very logical explanation. Why, no reason to say anything of stiff neck, no problem.

My father wasn't with us, it was just me, jazzing the kids and my dad called to check in. He was like, whoa, what's up, Chrissy, how's Disney? I was like, oh, it's good, you know, it's having fun, I just got this stiff neck. He was like, whoa, are you blowing goofy? I was like, what? it's good, you know, having fun, I just got this stiff neck. He was like, whoa, were you blowing goofy? I was like, what? And he was on speaker.

So I was like, now the kids are like, what? Jasmine's looking at me like, you're dead. That's just how he is, right? Yeah, yeah, even this, even these, the first thing I get these glasses. I gotta tell you, I think that the most remarkable thing that I've heard of this whole time talking to you is just that Tampa Tony was willing to do intermittent fasting.

I feel like an old-school guy, I'm not gonna fucking eat in a window at the time. But he actually is doing it. He's doing it because he's kind of like, the result time is getting, and then my stepmom is also doing it, and she's like great at keeping him on time. And yeah, so he's like, he's like, you know, doing it.

And you know, but whatever, and it's one of those things, like, you know, he's got the gay jokes, he's like, yeah, I just can't eat, come after midnight. Like, we're like, shut up. Just, and you can, it's protein. And he's sticking to it, he's doing a 16 hour fast. He's sticking to the 16 hours, which, and you know, it's crazy. Like, you know, he's a diabetic, you know,

all those things, but I just said that, like, he's on all these medicines. I was like, just do it. And his blood sugar, he said, is still like, over, he's still in the diabetic range, but he's dropped like 60 points on his blood sugar. Wow. For me, he's lost how much weight?

He's lost 45 pounds. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. And he said, he was like, I want to stop at 45, because that's my favorite president. I was like, okay. Nice. Nice, Dad. Yeah, and he said he was like, I want to stop at 45, because that's my favorite president. I was like, okay, nice. Nice dad.

And so. I was at the Daytona 500. I saw these dudes that had shirts that said 45. And it was in the American flag color. And then underneath it, 47. So he's going to be. Yeah, that's it. He's coming back.

Coming back. Yeah, I feel like, yeah, you're gonna start to see. That was a very. Yeah. Oh, the DeSantis ones too, we're gonna be good. Oh, yeah, they're gonna be very good. Yeah, I have, like I have a friend who like, he told me who he voted for by just his new tattoo.

He got a tattoo, you know, a couple years ago, right when Trump was getting elected, he got a tattoo right before Trump got elected. And he was like, look at my new tattoo. And he took a shirt off and it was his back. And it was Jesus Christ with the holes in his hand with each twin tower going through each hole in his hand. And it just said New York City America. I was like, yep, Donald Trump. That's fucking wow. That's it. Donnie, you know what T.T. Jerry told me too, because he was in prison when the elections were happening, everybody, from the prisoners to the correctional officers, everybody loved

Trump. He said, every inmate wanted Donald Trump black, why it didn't matter. Because of his shit talking style. That's what they like, because he's like, fuck you. Exactly. That's what they like, but I was like, that was interesting. I would think that they wouldn't like that, but yeah, so. That adds up to me actually, because I get that when people, like, fuck you. Exactly. That's what they like, but I was like, that was interesting. I would think that they wouldn't like that, but yeah, so.

That adds up to me actually, because I get that when people, when you would talk to people, even during his presidency, and when it got really heightened, and people were like, how much people hated him so much, and then people would be like,

I love him. And like, one of the things that made a lot of sense with somebody being like, actually what I like is that he's like shut the fuck up Yeah, oh, that's what they're yeah embracing Yeah, but yeah, yeah, but it's like shit about me cuz he keeps a list, you know, yeah Oh, yeah, he remembers the reporters at right articles. He's like I don't want to talk to you next like that should the president's Don't you know, and they were like I like that guy. Yeah, I know now politics

It's kind of sucks that politics have become like a thing. I mean, obviously you can make a decision and talk about it, but on comedy, it's just so fucking divisive where I just, I just, now what I do is any type of even on the line political thing I wanna say, I just say my dad said it. I just do it.

Oh, my dad did this thing, but it's really like, you know, I said it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was the one who stopped at 45 pounds. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was the one who stopped at 45 pounds. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

No, I would take things that I had said and it should be them to my dad too. Yeah, I did. Yeah, I did. That's the way to get around it. Yeah, you got to get around it, something. Yeah, I mean, I like all white neighborhoods. I mean, I'm sorry, you know, I like no one who my neighbors are.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Same. I mean, my dad,, you know, I like no one who my neighbors are, you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Same. I mean, my dad, that's where my dad lives. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway.

Yeah. Um. You're gonna go to Tampa anytime soon? Yeah. Actually, I'm April 1st. Oh, you are? Oh, yeah, right when this, yeah. Come see me in Tampa, Tonya.

We'll be there April 1st at the Tampa Theater. What's it? Oh, yeah, right? When this, yeah, come see me in Tampa, Tonya will be there April 1st at the Tampa Theater. What's it? Oh, nice, dude. Yeah. I not be here back in Austin, I'm doing Moon Tower. I'm Wednesday, April 14th or 15th at the. April? Power, paramount.

Yeah. I think I'm the first show of Moon Tower on that Wednesday and then the next day, San Antonio. Fucking amen. Yeah, I think Paramount's almost sold out though. So Paramount's great. Yeah, dude, I know, I've actually never, I've almost sold out though. So hair man. It's great on yeah, dude. I know I've I've actually never I've never Performed there. I've only ever done the Vulcan in Austin. Oh, you're gonna love it. Yeah, so you're gonna

It is it is great too because like sometimes like I try to also remain grateful like I always wanted now as we're going through this You know how it is like you know you start this thing you're when you're headlining, you know No ticket sales connecting flights. You hotels up the highway and you just you know, no ticket sales, connecting flights, hotels off the side of the highway. And you just, you know, I would go to every city. I'd be like, go to the downtown area and look at the theater and be like one day, manifest it. Like one show do that. And then that happens and you forget about the old you. And like, I'm only 90% so get all that shit out the window.

It's like, I'm very grateful for all the fans that are coming out. So I appreciate everybody coming. I feel like Chrissy D has, or Chrissy Glasses has like, just really done a lot of work on his, you know, perspective and his emotional IQ, his EQ. Yes, I've been trying. And it all is the, it all is the ramblings of a madman. And this is the personality that popped up today for this hour plus of podcasting was this personality.

But make no mistake, this personality who's here is a fraud, is a liar, and will murder the real Chris tonight in his hotel room. I can't wait to hear about it. It was such massive numbers. It's gonna be great dude. I gotta say, if this guy, if this guy, if I didn't know you and this guy walked in,

I'd be like, look, this guy, is he there about to rob us? We're to talk us into some shit that we're gonna sign and really deeply regret this. Yeah, do it, do it, just do it. And then just promise you'll give my family some of our percentages of the Hawaii shirts. Oh, for sure.

That's what I want. You gotta do it, you gotta. The Hawaii shirts are on fire. I love them. I want to talk about Hawaii. Yeah. All right. Well, thank you for coming.

It's always fun to see you. Real quick, you can also check out Haybay, but in Chrissy Chaos, Chris's podcast is Special, especially Westia on Netflix, Super Max, Mim Retro Radio out now on Vice TV. And of course, the right intention, wrong move tour, tickets are at chrisdcomedy.com, radio city, music hall. One of the greatest most legendary venues in the world.

He'll be doing that few tickets left. It is going down September 22nd. And by the time this comes down, we may have added Australia dates. First time in Australia. The best. If you can, if those are up, go get them. Down under is the best, you'll love it.

You'll love it. All right, thanks buddy. Thank you babe, see you guys next time. Bird time, time and bird. One goes top and swath the other, wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and birds, the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep between. Here's what we call, screw bears one cave.

No scripts to bet a booze amateur, for toology. Dirty jokes, ronti humor, no apologies. Here's what we call, screw bears one cave. you