2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Don't Call It A Comeback w/ Jon Stewart | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: June 3, 2024

SPONSORS: Brought to you by BetterHelp, head to https://BetterHelp.com/BEARS today to get 10% off your first month. Head to https://Babbel.com/BEARS to get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription. Head to http://policygenius.com/BEARS to get your free life insurance quotes. Don’t miss out on all the action this week at DraftKings! Download the DraftKings app today! Sign-up using https://dkng.co/bears or through my promo code BEARS. Bert is down for the count this week and sitting in for him is the great Jon Stewart joining Tom Segura for 1 Bear, 1 Jew...or No Cave, 1 Bear...idk it's still 2 Bears, 1 Cave! Jon Stewart has recently returned to The Daily Show host chair on Mondays and he talks about how his return has been going. They discuss the idea of time being able to pass you by, legacies fathers leave behind for their kids, Tom's own son's colorful vocabulary, and then dip some bear paws into political issues. They also talk about the gift of gift giving, stuff Tom's sons are into right now, and Jon Stewart details his run in the WWE, having a moment at Summer slam, and turning heel on John Cena. Check it out! 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 239 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

100% Listen our regular co-host has some digestive issues. He's getting some of the best treatment available and We hope the surgery goes well. We hope all the treatments go well, and you know we hope he recovers sitting in his place is somebody marginally smarter. Bert was saying the best sitting in today is Jon Stewart. What's up? What's up, man? No, Bert, is he okay? I think so, yeah.

Oh, that's not in any way giving me confidence that he's okay. Well, you know, I know he got his nerve stuff he's taken care of and some of this is heart stuff. This is new, this is digestive stuff. And his liver is working fully well again, so that's great. Is he the Frankenstein monster? What have they put together here? He's got all kinds of stuff.

So this is today is one bear, no cave. One bear, no cave. One. One Jew. One Jew, no cave. One bear, one Jew. Yes. Speaking of Israel, Palestine, solve it for us. I'm so glad you asked me that, Tom.

I knew you would. I came in with a plan. Have you ever, do you talk, you don't talk, I've never seen you talk about it on stage. Politics or like, I mean. Just in general, you tell the best stories. I just, if I can like find a way in, like I remember in, I was touring in like,

during the election cycle of the last, like, you know, something will find its way into the news where you go like, oh, there's an angle for me on this. I can move in on that, but I don't go like, here's my position on this because I always feel like, people ask me, actually I get asked sometimes, you know, people go like, what's your dream job? Or like when Daily Show has a, you know,

we're going to hire a new host, people go, would you love that job? And I go, no. And they're like, why? Why is choice? But I don't even, I say it because I go, there's just things, after you've done this a while, you go, there are people who are,

you realize there's people good for that job. You're like, there's, I can name 10 people who can do that well. And I'm like, if you can. If you. I don't know how much longer I can bang out this one night a week.

It's killing me. I mean, are you having fun? Oh yeah, no, it's a ball. What was it like to be back in the seat the first time though? Super weird. Super weird? Yeah, because it was, imagine like, it was like a flash forward.

Have you ever seen those memes where like a group of friends will take a picture and then they'll like get together again 30 years later and take the exact same picture? Yes, yes. So I've been gone for like nine years. Like the whole day, a lot of people that I still, that I worked with are still there. So it really was old home week. Really like, I love those guys and we have a great time together, we're having total fun. Banging out the script, I'm getting real excited.

Fucking put the suit on, put the makeup on, sat down in the desk thing, camera comes up, look in the monitor and I was just like, oh that's that picture. It's the exact picture, but 10 years later, which is jarring, because I don't know if you know the process of erosion, dehydration, but it has changed my visage.

So that part was jarring. It really did feel a little bit like that Albert Brooks defending your life, sort of you sit down and go, am I alive? Really? Yeah. Well, you had a great joke about that when we did those gigs about, well, yeah, I'm older.

Yes, that's what happens. Yeah. Yeah. Well, somebody said to me once, I was doing an interview, I think it was about the Apple show. And they said in the interview, has time passed you by? And I go, yeah, I think that's time's job. All the time.

Isn't that what it does? It passes us by. Yeah. These younger people with taller skin, they rise up. We just encouraged somebody in our staff who just turned 28, we were like, take nudes this year. You don't understand. You're not going to regret it. And if you don't, if you don't want to go full penthouse pet. 28 might be too late.

I mean, it's like, at least it's something, right? Like 25, 24. Dude, I shower with my clothes on. It's like, it's gotten that bad. Yeah, it's, I mean, it all goes, we're all dying. Yes, that is correct. Decom has started. But you are not, like, I hit that point where, like, I still have a couple of milestones.

Like, I think 65 is a milestone, I think, in terms of social security. Maybe 68, but I'm in my 60s. I can no longer even pretend. You're holding up well though, man. Oh, well I'm an absolute physical specimen. I mean, but you look good. That's very kind of you.

I remember also, genetics play a role, obviously. Not mine. Taking care of themselves. I got some pictures of the family I'd like to show you. Oh, I'll show you mine. They're like, I remember I was like. But you're in the best shape you've been in your life. That's true, that's the one advantage

of getting really, really fat when you're young. Is that you can really do a big self-correct thing. It can get really gross when you're in there. And then I see friends- That's when to do it. That's when to do it. I see friends from high school and I'm like, oh no, you're fat.

You were- Oh, how the tables have turned, my friend. You actually, you were like this skinny little guy and now you really have let yourself go. It's kind of- No, I could tell. Once you started giving out specs on gym equipment, I was like, oh, Tom's not fucking around.

No, man. I was like, yeah, I'm on the phone and this guy brought me the XG90. So I tried it out for a couple of days, but the plates, they weren't the right plates. I think this is the only way I'm going to get through the next 15 years. Right.

How old are you now? What's the- I just turned 45. Oh, oh, Tom. It's good? It's a good decade? So good. 45 is, you're at the peak of your,

you've got 10 years of pure brain function and physical specimen. Tell me. Do you want, I could ask you right now to go outside and shovel snow and you could handle it no problem. I think so. You would bang it out, come back in the house,

toast yourself up by the fire, have sex. Yeah. And then still, like, you're at the peak, 45. 45's good, right? And 45, like, people forget, I don't know if you remember the movie, like, Cocoon? Yeah. I think Wilford Brimley was 45 in that movie.

Like, seriously? Yeah, the ages of people. It's completely changed. Completely changed. You've seen that ad, right, from the, it's an old ad from the 60s of like, it has eight or nine women, and it's like, these women are all 40.

I think, no, 47. Right. I mean, some. It's like the Golden Girls. Some of them look 75. Wow, yeah, it's a totally different world. It's a different world. They actually, there's a few that you go,

okay, that looks, she looks 47 by today's standards. Yeah. Because everything has evolved with lifestyle and care. Some of them look so much older. You can't believe it. And it's like, they're not making a joke. They're just like. It's almost like cigarette smoke is a carcinogen.

Yeah. Like they were in Sconstance. It's almost like cigarette smoke is a carcinogen. Like they were ensconced in, I can remember like in the 60s and 70s, like there was nowhere you could go that didn't just smell of smoke, like including doctor's offices. Everywhere. You would go in for a checkup with the pediatrician,

he'd be like, hey, how you feeling today, Johnny? Things are good? Your testicles drop? Everything, you know? And he'd be like, how you feeling today, Johnny? Things are good? Your testicles drop? Everything, you know? And he'd be smoking. I mean, I remember I still, when I would visit, my mom's from Peru, we would go, the flight, it was like row 20 back was smoking, the row.

Was not going to get up to 19. How could it get up there? You're moving this direction. Clouds. I mean, so much. And I was on those flights. I was like, oh yeah. And you think it was normal.

Yeah. Did you ever get on those planes in the 2000s that still had the ashtray in the arm? The armrest would go down and pop it open. Pop it open, yeah. That ashtray would be there and you'd be like, oh thank God. Yeah.

And they still make that announcement, no smoking. Now they go no. That's only for Dixon, James Dixon. That's only to keep him from. I think they use his name now in the announcement. They do, they do. On every flight.

If James Dixon is on this flight, please do not smoke during the flight. Maybe don't. Yeah, yeah. That's a lot, man. That's a lot. Yeah, I mean, I don't know, it is so cool. I was just in Italy.

Right. Were you playing? No, I was just hanging for a few, I know. Nice. Tom, so good, having a, nice. Have you taken vacations like that or breaks like that? No, it was in the, I mean, it was in the middle of all this. I took the, just the wife left the kids

with food on the ground at the house. Oh my God, that's so nice. It was real quick. As long as there's running water in the house, like a toilet. They're fine. They can talk, you know, they can figure stuff out. Right.

But that was... And the air conditioning's on, probably. Probably, yeah. We leave it, you know, not too cool. I don't want to waste energy, but... Oh, is that the first vacation, like, for you and the wife to get away for a little bit? We do, we come back.

Because she's on the road too, like, it's got to be hard to... Yeah, on the road too. It's gotta be hard. Yeah, it's very tough. It's very tough. And we've signed up for a lot. But this is a really busy month and then taking a good amount of time down over summer. Oh, good.

Is that when you're going to be doing the writing for? So the writing starts in like a week or so and then we have a break. So we have, I'm going to. And Netflix now with the new WGA contract, I think they give you at least three days to write. How many episodes? Six.

So yeah, they give you three days. Oh cool. You get a half a day now for each episode. Well, AI is doing a lot of the outreach. Heavy lifting. Heavy lifting, bro. Where in Italy? We were in Rome, but we're going back to Northern Italy.

Oh, okay. For some of the summer. And then we'll spend some of the summer in LA too. And this time when you go back to Italy, will you bring? Bring the boys. How old are they? Five and eight. That's so, but five and eight is perfect, man.

Cause they will actually remember this. Like this is something that will, that will, they will clock. And the magic of that is gonna be, and five and eight are such good. It's fun age, it's fun. They're really fun dudes. My five year old's so reactive.

He's so like, you know, he hits the table, like a fucking table. Whoa, he goes fucking table? Yeah, yeah, he does. And whenever I'm like, hey, she so like, you know, he hits the table, like a fucking table. And I'm like, Jesus. He goes fucking table? Yeah, yeah, he does. And whenever I'm like, hey, she's like, where do you think he gets that from? Disney, those are Disney shows.

He is you, and I'm like, no. She's like, you have explosive reactions to things. And I'm like, yeah, okay. But. Oh no. Yeah, the other day he goes, like that. And I was like, what? He goes, you're a shit head.

He goes. I go, what? He goes, my brother's a moron, mom's a shit bag, and I'm an asshole. And I go, what? And then he started to repeat it. He goes, shit head, moron, shit back, asshole. I'm like, bro.

And he was like, he just stumbled on a discovery. It was like- What I like about that is it did seem like an epiphany. Yeah. Like prior to that, he might've thought, dad's a scholar, my brother is a compassionate and interesting playmate, and mom is a saint. But no.

Wait, no wait, hold on, I've got something here. Shit head. Shit head. Moron. He really reacts to like. That's a mantra though. Is that, now is he keeping on that? He stayed, he didn't get it wrong once

after he said it for the rest of the night. And I was like, dude, you gotta stop talking like this. We are this close to crowning an NBA champ. And with the action heating up on the court, it's even hotter at DraftKings Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner of the NBA. There's only so many games left and DraftKings Sportsbook has you covered with same game parlays, live betting, odds boosts, and so much more. Don't miss out or you'll have to wait until next NBA season to place your bets.

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bet per new customer. Issued as one bonus bet based on the amount of initial losing bet. Bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance. See dkng.co. slash bball for eligibility, wagering and deposit restrictions, terms and responsible gaming resources. This show is sponsored by better help. When I look at my year, I look at what I've accomplished and look at what I'm slacking on. I'm I write that down to talk about in therapy and kind of help guide me in the right direction. I do a thing called a happiness journal and I quantify the things that made me

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important thing. You think you've grasped a word, but when you're forced to spell it out, you really dial in and remember how that word is spelled and that you retain it better. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners. Right now, get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash bears. Get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash bears, spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash bears. Rules and restrictions may apply. But yeah, you know, you hate, he's the one who like

the eight year old, you know, cause you have kids, you're like, one of them will be like, so like, he's so polite. He's really actually listens. If I go, that's enough, you know, you gotta get in bed. He really is like, okay. Yeah. And he gets him and the five year old, you know, he's just, he just resists so hard. And I was like telling him, I was like, okay, yeah. And he gets him, and the five year old, he just resists so hard.

And I was like, telling him, I was like, get in bed, get in bed, get. And it was just repeat, repeat, repeat. And I was like, you know what? Tomorrow, y'all can have any treats, y'all can be able to watch any. And he goes, you fuck. And I go, and I start to like, he goes,

and then I've never heard this combination of words, he goes, you nervous bitch. And I had to grab my mouth, you know? I was like, I've never heard anybody call somebody a nervous bitch. But it made me laugh, and I just was like, get in bed now. And I couldn't.

How do you, and you can't pun it. I know. It's too funny. And I hear him in his bed, he's like nervous bitch. When are you going to be called into school for that meeting with the teacher where she says to you, your son called me a nervous bitch. And where did he get that?

And you have to go, I don't know, I'm just a shit head. Ask him, he'll tell you. And she is a fucking shit bag. She's a fucking shit bag. And I know you're not gonna ask my brother, the moron. He's just a little asshole. Exactly. What's amazing to me is I've gone into,

I was like, how's his language? How's cursing? And they're like, excuse me? Cursing. They're like, he's the most well behaved. Which is actually a good sign because it tells you that your kid knows that in a certain setting, they have to behave a certain way.

So he feels comfortable enough to call me a fuck at home, but he knows that in school or in public, he's like, you don't address other people. So that's nice. I'm sure knowing that makes you less of a nervous bit. Yeah, it does. More confident bit. A more relaxed bitch for sure.

Yeah. They confident bitch. A more relaxed bitch for sure. Yeah, yeah. They really do. I always found with the kids, some of it is anxiety when they're not with you. They trust you completely. Like you'll protect them. You're the guy, but if not, they know like that person is generally the size

of my father, maybe a little smaller, maybe a little bigger, whatever. If I ingratiate myself to that person is generally the size of my father, maybe a little smaller, maybe a little bigger, whatever. If I ingratiate myself to that person, I'm safe in this environment of hooligans. Because I'm sure he's in with hooligans. For sure, for sure, yes. And yeah, yeah, it's a whole different. When did he kick in with the profanity?

What, at what age? Four. Really? Yeah, and the funny thing was, you know, as you know more than I do, these things evolve, you think your kid is this. Yeah. I remember like when he hit two,

you're expecting terrible twos, and we were like, this kid's just like a little angel. Like a dream. He was just like, hi. Just a sweet kid. And then when he was turning like from three to four, he just got all fired up. Really fired up about stuff.

And like, we were like, oh, this guy is not, and he started to get a little more dramatic, a little more, he's more performative with his feelings. And then we're like, oh, okay. So it's always evolved. Trying shit out. He's trying shit out. I wonder too, if it's, you know, some of it can be

if the older brother is kind of like, his path to praise is this, and maybe your guy thinks like, I don't think I'm gonna be able to, I'm not gonna be able to, like my brother was really smart, like was just known in school, like used words I can remember being in like,

I think we were in a student council meeting and like I was in fourth grade, he was in like sixth grade, and he was like known in school, used words I can remember being in, I think we were in a student council meeting, and I was in fourth grade, he was in sixth grade, and he was like, hypothetically, and the whole class was like, what the fuck just happened? So I knew that wasn't gonna be, and I wonder if he's thinking, that lane is taken, but you know what's not?

Profane cowboy. I'm just gonna go out hard riding. That's my lane, because he knows it gets react, kids are all about reactions. Yeah. And he knows. Folks are comics.

He believes too that his older brother has special powers cause he's convinced him. So he'll be like, he's like, if you don't give me this back, Ellis will use powers on you. And you're like, and you see that he's sincere, you know? I'm like. They believe in magic. Although the eight year olds on that cusp. I know. Do you do like when you know? I'm like, okay. They believe in magic. They believe in magic.

Although the eight year old's on that cusp. I know. Do you do, like when you're doing holidays and shit, do you still do like the, like Tracy, my wife, would love to do around Christmas. Like there were reindeer tracks in the house and like all that shit and they, whole hog believed in it.

For somebody who didn't grow up with that, I was like, I get it now. Like this is crazy. Because it's awesome, you see the wonder. Yeah, the holy shit, like when they see the milk and cookies and like Santa, and you're like, yeah. Yeah, and the elf on the shelf. Elf on the, yeah.

He is at the age though when he starts to like ask logistical questions, you know, he's like, well how come if the chimney had the fire and you're like, hey, how about you stop asking somebody a couple questions and just enjoy it? He's a moron, he can't help himself. Yeah, he's like, door's locked. I'm like, yeah, I know, he'd fucking lock it.

He's magic, dude. He has a key to the house, what do you think? Yeah, it is interesting, because a lot of times their perceptions won't quite match up with their not. I can remember when Maggie understood the mechanics of math, but not the context. So she would be like, so that means when I'm 60,

you'll be 102. And I'd be like, yup. And won't we have fun? Yeah. You know, cause they don't, they're not understanding, but they got the logistics down. We just had a death,

like death starts to affect. I remember too, that used to be like, oh, when you're a kid, you're like, are my parents going to die? Yeah. This just happened. They just had a death and they know it? No, they had, it just occurred to him,

like, cause when you said that, I remembered he, his mom. Is he the eight year old or the five year old? The five year old, they were both in the same room, but the five year old, his mom left a sweater for him because she was going to be gone. So he's like, he put the sweater on, he's like, this is mom's sweater.

He's like, it's the only one in the world. And he goes, he looks at me, he goes, when she dies, it'll be mine. And I'm like, it's the only one in the world. And he goes, he looks at me, he goes, when she dies, it'll be mine. And I'm like, I go, yeah. And then- That's not even grief, that's more like- But then he goes, he goes, I don't want mom to die. And I go, oh, she's not gonna.

And then he starts crying. He's like, I don't want her to die. And I go, buddy, it's a long way off, right? And then his brother's like, mom is gonna live at least another, probably 35 to 40 years. And I was like, yeah, that's pretty accurate. And then he goes, I just don't want mom to die.

And my older son goes, I don't want mom or dad to die. And then the younger one goes, yeah, mom. And I was like, okay. Like he clearly has his favorite here. He just doesn't want mom to die. That's cool. But they do get, like you'll get one of them, like my son with me was like, one day I will defeat you.

Yeah, oh really? You think you can mop the floor. We used to go to jujitsu together. Yeah. And I'd roll him around and you know. And all I was doing was old man weight. Like I would just lay on him with old man weight. Just hold on.

He would just be like, one day. I'm gonna fuck you up. And now he is like, he's like this. Really? Yeah, he fucked me up easy. Like I think I lost arm wrestling to him at like 15 and then it was over. And I kept telling him, I go, dude, it's gonna happen.

It's not gonna feel as good as you think it's gonna feel. Cause here's what's gonna happen. You're gonna defeat me and then you're gonna, something's gonna, you're gonna have a realization about the old man. About the arc. The cycle of life and everything. That's exactly right.

But I like the idea though that he understood inheritance more than he understood death. He understood that all this one day will be mine. I will own it. I will own all this. The conversations are fucking fantastic. Do you have that? Because your kids are older.

They have a concept of obviously the fact that their dad is successful. Are they like, hey, this is going to be pretty sweet. When do you think you're going to kick it? They live more in that. so they also have the concept though that that is controversial. So they also know like, I'll get the, oh, they're tearing you up on such and such.

Right, yeah, yeah. They get that it's a, they've seen some really good things and they've also seen like me get the shit kicked out of me. Like I remember when I did, I directed Irresistible the movie and wrote it. And like it came out during the pandemic. So we're all like together. So everything we experienced in that,

we became like the Borg, like just a pod that moved around the house. And when it came out, you know, we'd run the movie through previews and like other shit and like everybody's feeling pretty good. And then it came out and like, I got the shit kicked out of me. Like some of those reviews were like,

there were the kind of reviews that like other reviewers would call that reviewer and be like, dude, that was fucking amazing. You know, I'm like, really fucking crazy as that. You crushed that motherfucker. Like that kind of stuff. And my family was there. And like, I could tell my I'm like, oh, you crushed that motherfucker. Like that kind of stuff. And my family was there and like I could tell,

my kids were like, do we have to move? Like, and I kept telling them like, guys, this is just, I'm in a dumb business. Like imagine at school, you make artwork, right? And then everybody goes like, that's really pretty. So imagine you live in a world where you make the artwork and then everybody's allowed to go like, that fucking sucks. That's a terrible, I don't want that in my house.

So that really must have changed perspective from them on how like, how some of this works. Like, especially because you're well known and controversial or polarizing to some people. Polarizing, I'll go with that. Do they get, they must have an understanding of, you know how people get so into comments, right? Oh, look at how it's noise, like they, after a while,

the first time you read comments that are crazy, you go like, oh my God, right, like it affects you. But they also probably are now having lived with someone who has comments about them, kind of go like, oh yeah, this is just kind of noise, right? I think their brains are also, and I think you'll probably find this with your kids, for us, this is a novel form of communication.

So our brains are dealing with it as technology. It's not native. There's native functioning. It's sort of like when, if you think about your grandparents, when they got on a plane, they were like, I'm in a tube. Yeah. And we're going, what? Yeah.

Like to them, it's a spaceship, right? Like we're going to go on a plane today. Yeah. So I do think there's probably something in their brain that allows them to filter the noise that you feel. Like for me, it's not, you know, we grew up in stand-up clubs. Like you'd perform and there'd always be like a table or two

that might have thought you sucked and like you clocked them. But then you left. This technology means like you ride home with them in the cab and like the whole time they tell you what was wrong with you and your act. So I think for them, as long as I model sort of being fine, I think it allows them to.

So it's based a lot on you then, right? I would think to some extent, don't you think your kids would, they're pretty intuitive about what you're really, what's truly urgent or catastrophic and what's not. And what's going on with you too. Yeah, they pick up on you and your vibrations. And I also try to explain to them,

like you're seeing a snapshot of success that does in no way justice to the shit I ate for many, many years that you weren't a part of, living in conditions and doing things that you would find unacceptable in the world that you inhabit. Yeah, that's funny.

They don't get it. They can't. No. So seeing me get the shit kicked out of me a little bit, I think is helpful. A, because they see that it's not, it doesn't deter moving forward and making new things. And I just try and explain them.

I'm like, look, man, I make things. And once I make it, it's kind of out of my control. And some people think it's great, and you'll see that too, and that's almost more uncomfortable. Like, it's more uncomfortable for me if someone comes up and gives me the like, I love you, you're amazing. Rather than like the comments of like, that sucked.

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People feel very comfortable with me. With you? Yeah, I was gonna say, cause you're- Generally with the, also with the negative. Really? Oh yeah, I'll get that even in front of my kids. Hey man, I just wanted to let you know, like I don't agree with anything that you say.

Like I think most of it is just fucking stupid, but I think you'd do for the 9-11 guys. That was real quick. Really? Oh yeah. I'll get a lot of conversations because I live in kind of Maga country. My wife and I usually play a game.

We'll go like to the, we'll be going to the store and we play a Trumper or insurrectionist. So where we try and delineate, yeah, We'll be going to the store and we play Trump or insurrectionist. So where we try and delineate, yeah, that guy's gonna vote for Trump, but he's doing it for tax purposes. Oh, right, right. And then this guy, yeah, he's wearing the horns and he's going in with the chest painted.

Sure. So all their friends and a lot of the friends' families are like very conservative. Sure. They got very used to comments. Like their friends and their friends' parents will say to them like, you're not going to turn my kid into that, right? They'll talk a lot of that stuff.

It's a lot of fun. It's really comfortable. It sounds like you have to develop like a giggle for it. Yeah, sure. Don't worry. Yup, I get a lot of that. Hey man, I just want to let you know, it really is almost like a preamble

to meeting me down there is always, you and I don't agree on everything. You and I don't agree on a lot. But sometimes you make me think. You know, or something like that. Or you and I don't agree on a lot. But sometimes you make me think. You know, or something like that. You and I don't agree on everything, but I will let you shop here. Cool.

We will take your money. Yes. That's funny that like, that actually feels, I mean it's hilarious that somebody does the preamble to, you know, but also, it is at least a dialogue, right? So many people don't engage in civil dialogue. That feels somewhat civil, right? A little bit.

I wouldn't say it's dialogue. I think what it is is they feel there's something inside them that has to let me know. Yeah, you gotta know. I don't think they're looking to be like, here's my feelings about the second amendment and where I feel we differ and where I feel we are sometimes on the same page.

Sure. I think it's more that, I think it's the same as it's a real bumper sticker area. Like there's a lot of, you know, like there's a dude that has, I mean, it's gotta be six foot by nine foot on his front lawn with a giant thing that says be six foot by nine foot on his front lawn with a giant thing that says, fuck Joe Biden. Click on his front lawn and like regular neighborhood.

I always thought you changed those. I was one of those. And when you see something like that, you always think it's going to be like a different message every month, like Jesus loves, nope, he's consistent. Fuck him. But there's something about that, something inside them that says, I need everyone to know in the clearest,

most concise way possible who I am. And it's like that bumper sticker. I think they don't want me to maybe misconstrue that he might be liberal or Democrat or progressive or anything other than don't tread on me. I've seen more signs like that over the course of the last few years. I'm saying nationwide where somebody goes like,

here's who I, you know, big proclamation. I feel like that's not something that we saw as much 25 years ago in as many front lawns where people would. No, because what are you gonna do, like in the Herbert Walker Bush days, when you're gonna be like, I'm one of the thousand points of light. Like now you'll see houses going at each other.

Like, Blue Lives Matter flag, MAGA, Don't Tread on Me, hate has no home here. Yes, stop Asian hate. And they'll be next door to each other. And you just think, this is like this. I think they spend their days. But do you feel like it's somewhat kind of like a boiling point?

Like it's like things are firing up more for people. I think with almost everything, it's at a, I do think that social media is the kind of accelerant and the algorithm is a kind of accelerant that radicalizes populations in a way that we haven't experienced. In the way of like, so AI is a radically new technology that's going to change the way that we live our lives

and do all these things, as was the industrial revolution. But the industrial revolution played itself out over decades. And so, yeah, did we go from horses to cars and then cars to highways? But that plays out in an analog kind of a way. You can chart its course and its growth. Digital growth, that kind of geometric growth

is really hard for a population to catch up to. And I think any new technology like that creates disruption, right? The speed of it is I think what's different and leads to that feeling of explosiveness and disillusionment and not quite understanding. How many times were we told, but they say to people with globalization, it's okay if your family

have been coal miners for three generations, you'll learn to program. And you're like, I don't think I want, I think I have a connection to this. Sure. That displacement is now happening, like, I don't know if you know anybody who's like a grant writer,

but like you go on chat, GPT tomorrow and make them obsolete. Like you could just type in, you know. It's happening so fast. It's so fucking fast. It's so fast and the other thing that is like, I think so unique in this time is that you don't know what you're getting from whom at any time.

So like whether it's AI or bots or another country's program that they design, there's so much coming at you that, I mean, I think personally I went through just like a fatigue and withdrawal, which I think is kind of normal in a way. You go out. Do you mean from like participating in it or? Participating and like, and consuming information.

Like, you know, I always felt like I grew up in a house that was a evening news watching house. There was always Time Magazine and Newsweek and Times were like part, like that was just like normal. Your house was like a dentist waiting room. Yeah, exactly. Highlights in one corner and then you had the other thing. Yeah. And then you just go like, okay, I have the information.

But information is produced and consumed differently now. And then you go, and then every time you go, well, is this the place to get it from? Then they go, well, you don't know, this is actually owned by this corporation. And so this actually has an agenda. So then you kind of feel like, well, I don't know where to get information.

You know what I mean, it all can feel overwhelming. And where it's from and always understand that there are those whose job it is, is to weaponize that confusion. Weaponize it, yes. To weaponize that delivery system. And again, it's not like that's novel. I mean, yellow journalism shit,

we got into the Spanish American war based on the Vietnam War and the Gulf of Tonkin. There's always been that misinformation, but it didn't travel at the speed of light the way that it does now where we're so far behind and we don't have processes in place the way that it does now where we're so far behind and we don't have processes in place to help establish certain guardrails around it. Like industrial revolution happened

that everybody's like six year olds in factories, what could go wrong? And that evolved over time. You had the great sort of muckraking journalists like Upton Sinclair and Ida Wells and all those people that uncovered all of these abuses and all of these things and helped kind of resolve some of the more devastating results of it.

But I think now it's so fucking fast. I mean, there's nothing better than watching the Senate committee on AI or any of those things. And you get like Zuckerberg and, you know. Testifying there. Testifying and the guy from AI and they're like, so let me get this straight. So there's a tube,

and then I speak into the tube and then the tube turns it into zeros and ones, is that what I'm to understand? And they're like, well, it's sort of like that. So where do the zeros and ones go? Why do I look at it, it turns into porn? What's happening here? Like that's, it's just fucking crazy. It's too crazy now.

Which is why, are you going to run for president? Oh, I wanted to announce, and I really generally need two bears to make an announcement like this. But I mean, this is such a big one. How often do you get asked for that? I think anybody that is in the space I'm in, I always view it as none of the above in the way of,

it is a protest for the status quo being so unsatisfactory for people. It's the kind of thing that, like I remember this was 15 years ago, somewhere along the line, 20 years ago, there was a poll done, everybody made a big deal of it. Who is the most trusted newsman or newscaster in America? And it was Tom Brokaw and Peter Jennings

and Brian Williams and Diane Sawyer and John Stewart. And John Stewart won running away. And I kept trying to explain to people like, I could have been dildo wrapped in gold and that would have won because what people are expressing in that poll is, I'm dissatisfied with the status quo and the establishment delivery of this service.

They have lost my trust. And so people in my area, I'm sure Mar gets it, Tucker Carlson gets it, all the people in the space of giving opinions about the day's event. I mean, that's honestly, how did Trump become president? Same shit. What I was about to say, it's the same analysis, right?

Because everybody who goes, how the fuck is this guy president? Or how is he getting this support? What most people you would hear, they're like, he's not like these other guys. He's not from that political landscape where they say the right thing. And he was just this wild guy who was saying wild things.

And then that was exciting to people. It was exciting that somebody was- And the wilder it would get, Yeah. The better. Everybody kept saying, well, he certainly, now that he said that, it's certainly over. And everybody's like, he's going up in the,

he, I think what ended up happening there is it was like an antibiotic resistant strain of something. And so people kept saying, well, certainly if we hit it with strep, and if we hit it with erythromycin and penicillin, it would have to die. Sure. And then it was just like, phew.

Nope. Not even close. It's too strong. Too strong. It's way too strong. Just keeps going. And now, and I think too, it's, you know, it seems like everything is being done

to not have this guy on ballots. Everything other than just have a better idea. Just fucking beat him. Yeah, yeah, exactly. That is not being done. But all these other things, and I feel like if they succeed in getting him convicted or off ballots,

I do think people are gonna lose their fucking ballots. I don't think they'll succeed getting him off ballots in any way, I really don't. I think that chance, I think if they had done, and again, part of this is his understanding of the system. Part of his appeal was the system is rigged. And I think everything he's experienced through here is an example of that, just not necessarily the way he,

I think it's showing if you've got money, doesn't matter how many felony counts they throw at you. You can hold that off till you get granted complete immunity by becoming president of the United States. But the difference is somebody can be right about a diagnosis and wrong about the remedy. So like he can diagnose the system as rigged and it obviously is.

I mean, when they talk about his real estate transactions and they talk about, everybody comes out and goes, that's just how things are done. Like you go to the bank, you lie about what you have, they give you more money than they should at a lower rate. And then when you go there, you lie about that. And then you just go like, oh really? That's how it is?

And so the interesting thing is once that gets exposed, a reformer comes in and says, I'm gonna straighten this out and make it fairer. Again. Because it's right, special interests. Yeah, I go down Washington all the time, man. There's more defense contractor lobbyists than there are people in Congress.

Yeah. They're outnumbered. Sure. And they are wined and dined. Deep pockets. The greatest example is like Wall Street, people in New York, the senators at Congress, we were supposed to be progressive.

Wall Street gets away with a shit ton because they pay all those legislators. This would be the place where reform would have a home. New York City. They're all like, why should, well, maybe the tax should be 20% on capital gain. I don't know. Maybe if you have a hedge fund,

it shouldn't get taxed like regular money. And so you see how powerful, like they don't have time. I remember when we went down there for the first version of what was called the PACDAC, which was that Toxic Exposure Act for veterans. So we got together a bipartisan group of Congress people and we all sat around a table. And I was there with Rosie and Leroy Torres

who were gonna lay out like what they'd been through over the last 10 years, what was going on on these military bases, all the terrible health effects of the different things. It was very similar to the 9-11. We lay it all out, very compelling, they're all on board. And then they go, but here's the thing. So there's so much going on down here.

Could you guys write it? The legislation, could you write it? And I'm like, I could write a 10 minute bit about the legislation, but I don't know the first thing about it. They don't know the first. But in that moment, I thought, oh, that's how this shit happens. So imagine you're not trying to get healthcare for veterans,

you're trying to get banking regulations eased so that you can make derivative swaps on mortgages and blow up the world financial system. And you go in and you say, oh, this is this thing and it makes it time. And they go, it's so busy down here. Could you write it if I have to? Right. And they write it.

Wow. So much of the legislation is influenced and written by the people it's supposedly reining in. And so there's like a wealth incumbency built into the system or a legislative incumbency for these larger industries that weeds out competition, it infuses corruption, and it's really hard to stop.

And what Trump is saying is, yeah, that system is rigged, but what he's not saying is, and I'll reform it, what he's saying is, so if you don't mind signing that deed over to me, I'll take care of it. And that's the part that is, that you know,

he's not interested in a fairer system, he's interested in to the victor go the spoils. Yeah, that's very much I think, and I think he's actually very transparent about that. Like I think, I think it doesn't take a lot to pick that up from him, you know? Yes, somewhat through happenstance. Like, he'll go down to the billionaires at the Mar-a-Lago

and be like, don't worry! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, what you said though, it's so disheartening to hear about how the system works. Like, how do you keep from being, like knowing so much, seeing that firsthand and not being so cynical and just disheartened by everything? You know those, they sell them now,

it's like mushrooms and chocolate, that helps. That helps a lot? Just a little bit. You take just a little bit of that and all that. Neutropics? I think that's something along those lines. They come up with the names like fun guys, that kind of thing.

Yeah, but it is, right? I mean, it does like kind of take the wind out of your sails a little. Absolutely. Those years lobbying down there were incredibly dispiriting. And I was a drop-in. I came in to provide air support for people.

They were there every day. Like I ended up feeling like my role was to go down there and almost like USO shows. Like they've been in the trenches. So I'm gonna go down there and be like, yeah, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da and kind of fire them up and think of ways and kind of fire them up and think of ways

around this really stultifying status quo. Everybody has establishment thinking. I mean, they literally call the way bills are passed regular order. You have to go through regular order. And you're like, but if we go through regular order, all these people are going to die. So why don't we do not regular order? Like when I ended up testifying in front of Congress,

the whole, not the firefighters in the cut, but all the congressional people were like, just don't like, just be cool. Like everything's going fine. Like don't rock the boat. Really? Yeah. And then the other guys would come up and be like, John, you gotta fucking tell these people

what's going on. Cause John, it's a fucking nightmare. So I felt a responsibility to them Sure. To not let them down in front of, but I think what happens is they get ensconced in this really protected system and they lose sight of the people

that they're supposedly there to kind of represent. And they're only responding to either media prompts or lobbyist prompts or activist prompts. Like I'm talking about political activists, like right-wing,, left wing activists. And those are the only three groups that you would imagine have influence. But most people are fucking busy.

Think about for taxes, right? The Democrats always say, we need to tax billionaires. Okay, but what are you going to use it for? Well, that's the big knock on the Dems usually. It's just more programs, right? More, yeah, pay. But what are those programs? Who cares, just spend.

Right. I mean, that's kind of the... The thing that I always felt they needed to do was tie spending to value. Like if you talk to people and you want to know what would help, because most people, I think, in the general area of like what you would consider middle-class,

maybe a little lower than middle-class, a little above middle-class, are stuck in this weird trap, which is I work till I'm fucking 40 or 50 till my kids are going to college. Now I'm paying for their college, but just at that moment, my fucking parents are getting sick. And all of a sudden now, I'm paying for them

while I'm trying to pay. So now I'm in debt on the college for the kids while also maybe going into a little bit of a debt for the parent. So now everything that you built up, all that equity, right, over those 20 years of work, is gone. And what you really could have used was

education that didn't cost so much, maybe some fucking childcare, maybe some fucking elder care, something that connects to your life. And it feels like we live in a place where that seems like it should be possible to do. connects to your life. And it feels like we live in a place where that seems like it should be possible to do. No reason why it's not, like it makes no sense.

But you'd have to take from some other program, right? Like that's the whole thing is no one's gonna know. I don't know if it's a question of not having resources as much as it is not directing them in the right way. So I think some of it is, like even if you look at food stamps, right? So food stamps ostensibly is a pretty good program. First of all, there shouldn't be food insecurity

in a country as rich as this. That's just ridiculous. But the really strange part of it to me is food stamps are really a subsidy to like Kraft or Nabisco or the giant food conglomerates because the majority of the foods that people are buying are these ultra processed shitty box foods. That's where those stamps are going.

Right, they're going to sodas and shitty foods that go right into PepsiCo. Like, we don't do anything that doesn't have a middleman with a corporate owner to it. So all that government money goes, it's really their subsidies. Like, why is there corn syrup in everything? It's the fucking government just paying farmers for,

and then they're just giving the corn syrup and fruit toast to, and so what do they do? They give us all fucking diabetes, and then what's the next step? Big Pharma comes in. We got your back. And now you're in the cycle. They're literally combating the drug of ultra processed food

with the drugs from big pharma. This is the trap that so many people get locked into. Yeah. And what are we getting for it? All that money that we go in and we have the highest drug prices in the world. So that's when people go like, yeah, this system is rigged, but you can't change it because that's socialism.

Right. If you do it any other way, no, you have to let, even Obamacare, the fucking, that the right complains about, is basically a giveaway to insurance companies. What the government is saying is, how about we just give you a shit ton of money? And with that shit ton of money, you'll cover people that maybe you wouldn't normally cover

and you can still give them a $5,000 deductible and they can still go to hospitals where you don't even know where the charges are coming from. And even that. Are we really suggesting like, I'm not saying you don't wanna have like private corporations and private property and innovation and all those different things,

but do we have to subsidize it? But do you think anybody will ever actually step in and really disrupt this cycle? Look what Cuban did. With a pharmaceutical company? Yeah, that was amazing. That company. That can be done everywhere.

Yeah. Yeah, for people that don't know, Mark Cuban started this pharmaceutical company that he found out which meds there were accessible to kind of to buy and do like a kind of a minimal marginal markup on. And which ones were crazy marked up and which ones were being artificially withheld.

It's basically fair priced drugs essentially. I mean they put old people on buses to Mexico to get like insulin. It's crazy. Right. It's crazy. But when you get down there, you go, oh, I know how this happened. Because they have access to the people who write the laws.

The laws don't need to be a thousand pages. The complexity of our tax code wasn't put there by poor people. The complexity of our legislation wasn't put there by poor people. It's put there by the lobbyists in the industries that are carving out loopholes and safe spaces and extra ways they can make money.

To keep it coming in. It's cartel shit, really. Cartel shit. Yeah. Yeah. I think the only solution for all this is probably the rock maybe being running for president. There's very little. So once the rock teamed up with Roman Reigns, that's when I realized like, oh, he can't be stopped.

No. Like when they were rivals. That's a totally different time, but now, you've had, you've stepped in the ring before. Sure. Sure I have. Did you see that tape? Yeah. It's brutal.

Really? The things you'll do. Now your kids, the eight-year-old, is he into that yet? No, he's really into Minecraft, the game in Roblox. The things that you will do. Which was funny is that, so I found out, man, I had like a week, not even, I was on the road, they had their spring, they had a two week spring break.

I'm like, you guys get two weeks? I don't remember getting two weeks. Not at that age. No, and so on, I had this crazy idea. I was like, what if I, they're filming the Minecraft movie in New Zealand, and I was like. Oh my God. I hit up Jason Momoa who's in the movie.

No. And he's like, come on down. So I flew him there and I take my eight year old to New Zealand. And I'm like, we're gonna see the Minecraft set. And he's like, oh cool, cool. And then he walks on, he's like, holy shit. And I'm like, right? And. He's like, oh cool cool. And then he walks on he's like, holy shit this on I'm like right and then he's like, alright

What do you want to do now like this is it And then Yeah, I'm like this is all this no no, we're here in New Zealand 16 hours but right right and then and then Jason a dog, and he was just like, oh, this dog's fucking awesome. He played with the dog six hours. You could have taken him to the ASPCA. And then the next day, I was like,

it's our second day here, what do you want to do? He's like, I want to play with that dog again. And so, played with the dog, and I was like, thanks for having us. Flew back, and I was like, what'd you think of the Minecraft set? He was like, cool. with the dog. I was like, thanks for having us. Flew back and I was like, what'd you think of the Minecraft set? And he was like, cool. Love that dog.

Yeah, that dog's the shit. Yeah. Great. Yeah. It's, and it's only, boy, you shouldn't have started. That's- I know. That's that grand gesture, like, on your third date where you're like, and then we flew to Paris.

Yeah, exactly. And I lie, and you're like, are you associate bad? I'm mad. Like, you're never gonna now. I know, and I realize, it's like a lot of, I think in terms of gifts a lot, I like gift giving. Oh, that's nice. It's like one of my, I guess it's my love language.

But the real thing you realize when you're into these, into any type of gift giving, the gift is for you. It's you going, you give it to somebody, but it's your excitement of like. Yeah, it feels great. It feels good. And when you nail it. Yeah, and when you nail it, you feel it.

But yeah, he was just like, yeah, awesome. That's it. And it's just gonna, and what's so interesting is the joy you feel being able to, like I made the mistake of whatever show my kids were into, I would try and get on it. Christina just did it with, is it Cake, the Netflix show, she just did it, she just.

And the kids like it? Yeah, the kids like it. Do they still like it? I mean, they were into the episode, they watched it and then, yeah. See, I didn't figure in production time. Yeah, so you did all the things your kids loved, right? It was a thing called Jack's Big Music Show.

First I did, I did Jack's, it's called Jack's Big Music Show. It was this great, it was like this super odd little puppet music show. And the kids loved it. And I loved, like, once they move on from like Little Bear and Caillou and all that shit into like SpongeBob and good stuff, it's awesome.

So they do this, I contact the show, I fly out to Chicago, they tape it in Chicago, they're the nicest people you'd ever wanna meet and super talented and very musical. And they've got all these puppets and do things. So I did the Groundhogs Day episode. I'm Brunk Steingruber, the weatherman of the thing. We tape it, but apparently they have to edit it and do something.

I'm supposed and it's gonna take. And by the time it comes out, they're like, I don't watch that show anymore. They're onto Wizards of Waverly Place. Yeah, yeah, that's hilarious. So then I show it to them and they're like, oh, I don't watch that show anymore. They're on to Wizards Waverly Place. Yeah, yeah. That's hilarious. So then I show it to them and they're like,

yeah, I remember that. You're like, what? I remember that dog and I was like, I flew to Chicago. To do this. It's not New Zealand, but I flew to Chicago. And I was always like six months to a year. Behind on it, the switching. But the WWE, dead on.

And Maggie was different. She didn't have, the interest she had in that stuff was like horses. And I didn't know what, I couldn't be like, let's go to the Derby. My grandfather died in an OTB, so I guess I could have gone there. There was a family history, but-

But with your son, you nailed it with WWE? He was so, we would go on vacation and he would have a knapsack that he packed. And then we would get there and we'd be like, where are your clothes? And he's like, I don't have any clothes. I'm like, what's in your knapsack? He's like, he packed. And then we would get there and we'd be like, where are your clothes? And he's like, I don't have any clothes. I'm like, what's in your knapsack? He's like, action figures.

It'd be just filled with Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins. And really? Oh yeah. So when you did it, he lost his mind. That's awesome. So I've gotten to a feud with Seth Rollins. And so he got really into that. And we did a thing at the Prudential Center in Newark where Seth Rollins had these two little guys,

J and J security, and they're two bald guys who wear these suits. So I dressed Nate in a ball cap and the suit. He was gonna be my J and J security when I confronted Rollins in the ring. Nate gets all dressed up, comes in the thing. Nate has an undiagnosed health condition at the time that we don't know what it is, but he's been having these episodes. We get to the arena, he becomes violently ill.

So I'm in the dressing room getting ready to go out and like I have to fake kick Seth Rollins in the balls. And we got a whole thing planned out with Nate and the other security. He's like eight, you know, I mean, you know, that's the magical. Oh yeah. And he can't go.

No. He's vomiting, like can't move. He's just lying there and I'm just sitting there like, well, I don't wanna go, I don't wanna do it, I wanna do it with you. Yeah. And so I go out and I do it and I come back and he's fine. It was a night in an arena,

Prudential Center of WWE wrestling, right? Violent, physical, the only person taking out that night in a wheelchair was Nate. He was so like sick. He was sick for years. Really? Yeah, until we figured it out. But yeah, it's terrifying. And did he still look back on that night as that was,

was he excited that night just through his illness? He's still pissed off about it. About being sick. Yeah. He's like, I could have been in the ring. She could have done. And then it ended up folding into Summer Slam in Brooklyn. And John Cena was fighting Seth Rollins that night.

And they put on a spectacular match. I mean, incredible show. The athleticism, the drama, the kick outs, it is one of those championship bouts that people talk about, like they start chanting, this is awesome. You know, and the crowd is- Wow.

And at the end of it, little Johnny Dipshit runs out, And at the end of it, little Johnny dipshit runs out, busts into the match, hits Cena with a chair, Rollins pins him. When I tell you people were furious at me, really, they're watching this incredible, and then some guys, fucking old dude, like nobody knows, runs into the ring and hits somebody with a chair.

And like, people's kids were calling me and leaving obscene messages on my screen. Really? So angry. So, that following is really intense, man. So I had to go back the next night for RAW, and Cena was gonna confront me in the ring with Ric Flair. And so they say he's gonna hit you

with the attitude adjustment, which is I don't know if you know the move, but it's he puts you over his head and then he flips you. Boom. I'm 56, 57 years old. Uh-huh, uh-huh. And you're like, oh, I am gonna get my attitude adjusted by this.

So we don't rehearse. No. There's no like, you walk out into the ring and they like point and they go like, yeah, he's gonna, this is the ring. That's where your attitude is gonna change right there. Okay. Yeah. So the show starts.

I'm sitting in the back. They're all going through the thing. They're getting ready. The WWE doctor comes into my dressing room. He goes, hey, I just wanted to check in real quick. This is the doctor who's gonna check you out. So I assume it's going to be a, you know, have you broken any bones or anything?

He takes my blood pressure, goes a little high. I go, okay, and he goes, all right, see you on the other side. And I was like, wait, that's not, that's not a, that wasn't a doctor. That's, that'd be like somebody coming in and going like, hello, how are you? Let me take your pulse.

Sounds good, I'll talk to you later. Yeah. So we go out there. Just right before I go out there, Sina goes, just tuck your chin, I'll do the rest. Ground the ring. I'm explaining to him my reasoning for why I denied him the championship.

I wanted to protect Ric Flair's legacy. We'd go through the whole thing. He goes, well, you had your reasons. Now I have mine. Takes off the hat, throws it. Lifts me up on his shoulders. And he's like six foot, he's a monster. Big dude.

And that floor is a floor. Yeah. It's not a mat. No. floor is a floor. It's not a mat. It's a floor. And I hit it. And I didn't, it was like the light switch from the top of my head down to my feet just went like a lightning shot. And I'm lying on the ground

and they said it like, you know, just act like you're out of it. And I was like, I'm out of it. And the one thing I learned about it is if you are gonna get the attitude adjustment in the ring, fucking tuck in your shirt. Because I'm lying, you know, these guys are like Olympians

and I'm just lying there with like 20 years of BOPCA just sitting in my stomach on a thing and just lying there trying to pull my shirt down and get, and I'm utterly disoriented. Yeah, it worked. And then I got, I'm done and like, there's my boy, he's waiting, and I come back into the, they call it the gorilla area,

is where all the wrestlers stage. And they're all standing there like, you did it, kid! It was like that scene in Goodfellas, where you got pinched, but you did it right. So they're all, you know, big show is there, and they're all clapping, and Triple H, and yeah, good man, good man, and I'm just like, thank you, God, that's good.

And my son's just sitting there and he's like, did that hurt? Like he was literally like, I think you might be dead. Yeah, and that doctor's like, yeah, your blood pressure's up. Yeah, no, by the way, didn't hear from the doctor. I'm pretty sure he wasn't a doctor, but didn't hear from anybody after that until like,

so then they do the final shot is just me sitting on the steps with my son next to me with ice on the back of my neck. That's the final shot. It sucked though, huh? Dude, I just did a trampoline for a photo shoot for Netflix and I was like, hey, that fucking sucked. Like falling onto the pad sucked.

Yeah, it hurt. The idea that those guys, and people always say like wrestling is fake. Well they bang. And you're like, you don't, I don't know of an entertainer or any entertainers who work harder and put on more of a show than wrestlers. When I did, I told you that I went to the Undertaker's house.

Yeah. And I was to check out the gym equipment. I was to check out the gym equipment. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he was just like, yeah, come to Mark's house. Mark. And then he's just lying there and then walk in, he goes.

He was, I mean, talk about like. He's a big dude, such a nice guy. Such a sweetheart. He was like, it's an absolute pleasure to have you here today. And I was like, oh. But we were talking about, because we were talking about comedy,

how it starts, he was like, what's it like, like the early days. And I was telling talking about, because we were talking about comedy, you know, how it starts, he was like, what's it like, like the early days, and I was telling him about shit, club weeks and everything. He was like, yeah, I said, you know, one of the things that sucks as you get older is when you do doubles, you know, like two shows a night. And I was like, man, it just fucking starts to wear you out. And he was like, yeah.

He was like, yeah, I bet. I was thrown off a cage by. He was saying that yeah. He was like, yeah, I bet. I was thrown off a cage by... He was saying that they used to do doubles in his early days. Oh, wow. For the full, like the show. So like they do the full wrestling show, bang, fucking throw, all this shit, clean up, do it again.

Wow. And he goes, so when I got a little bit of juice, like when I had like, just when it was starting, I just told him, he's like, no more doubles for me. Just one and nine. But like, that's crazy that they would be like, Thursday into town, two shows, drive to another town, two shows.

I mean, physically, I can't imagine what that would do to you. And now those dudes are massive. And they jump on a bus and then go to the next place. But they were the nicest people. I bet. Like you'd meet, like Undertaker, when we met him, he was just, couldn't have been the nicer guy, couldn't have been nicer to my son, all of them.

Like, do you wanna take a picture? They would talk to him, they would ask him questions, they would do the poses, they would, I mean, they were the nicest, most genuine. There was this guy, sad because he has since passed away, but this dude, Bray Wyatt, whose shtick was kind of like, it was almost like this supernatural stick. Like they did the thing where like all the lights go out

in the arena and then all of a sudden his video would pop up like in, you know, ghoulish there, they had really long black hair and his move was the sister, oh shit, I'm gonna mess it up, sister Abilene or something. And he would go upside down and walk like a spider, like a madman in the ring. Talking to him backstage, the kindest, like the sweetest, nicest man,

and spent a ton of time like hanging out in the dressing room. That's cool, man. And talking to, they were lovely people. That's so cool. Yeah. It's nice to hear stories like that. Yeah.

Especially from like big alpha male dudes being like that nice. There were, there was always a couple that like, you know, side eye, but almost to a person they were, and they seemed like, it really seemed like the closest thing to a traveling carnival. Yeah. Like there was a certain camaraderie there,

they definitely are outside of the system to some extent. But they're lovely dudes. That's awesome, man. Yeah. What do you think your sons are gonna get into? Is it gonna be football, basketball, baseball? It's not, so I had that thing where I thought having boys, that they, like, I watched football with my dad.

They'd be you. Yeah, so I was like, football. And they actually come in the room and go, oh God, please turn this off. I'm like so bummed out. What are they into? So sports wise, the only thing they actually really enjoy is going to jujitsu.

So they like that. Oh, okay. But they are into like just, we just started showing them some shit we shouldn't probably like Ace Ventura and you know, like, like dumb and dumb, like all these like. They're gonna be like 50 shades of gray. I don't know.

Sit down boys. They're into like, you know, certain cartoons and they like, they, kids have this capacity to rewind a moment, like. And just keep watching it. And then I'm like, we just saw it 50 times. Have they hit Phineas and Ferb yet? Or are they still?

Uh-uh. SpongeBob, that's, Phineas and Ferb's a great one. Is it? Okay. And then they do, they still, they do love Minecraft and Roblox, yeah. Right. They love those.

And those are like random video games. Yeah. Are they into yet the, what was the like, the first like, sort of first person video games was like Lego Batman or Lego Star Wars? Those are good ones. Those are good ones, huh?

Yeah, I'm scared to get, because I see how much it sucks them in, to give them too much, like we try to go outside. Oh, we also did books, a lot of books. Yeah. We did a lot of books. We did a lot of books. Their big thing at night is tell us a story. And then I'm like.

I'm kidding about the books. Oh yeah, no books? You gave them Lego Batman, that was the end of it. Okay yeah, no books. They don't get, they hate. Do they really say tell us a story? Yeah, and then they go, I always have to go like, what kind of story?

And they're like, either one where you pooped, or like where you got trouble doing something. And I'm like, yeah. Do they have to be fantastical or do you give them real stories? So that's the thing is at one point I was like, I don't have any more shit stories, man. Like that's, and then they go make one up.

They tell me to make one up. They love it. I mean, what a joy for them though. Both parents are comedians, both parents. Yeah. Now, does your wife, does she put in like the hard jokes or does she go? No, she leaves most of it.

She's, they'll be like, dad, take it, take it away. They're like, dad gets it. Cause I just go like, and then I farted. That's more your act. Yeah, yeah, it's more like what I do. And man, they're just like, they'll even say like, if we laugh, you win. And I'll start telling the man, they're just like, they'll even say like, if we laugh, you win. And I'll start telling the story and they'll be like,

Jesus, that was good, you win. Like they just, they love it. Think about that though, dude. Like when you were coming up and you were like, did you ever imagine your life would be this fucking full? No. And like, you know, comedy's sort of a singular pursuit on the road and sometimes there's camaraderie,

sometimes there's not, but like, the idea that you could do that, do what you love, have a family, have those two imps, begging you to tell them shit stories. It's amazing. Right? It's amazing. It's an incredible life. Yeah. It's an incredible life.

Yeah, it's an incredible life. And I'm so glad that you get to go now and that move probably to Austin really opened it up for you too. It's been great. It really has been. It's been great for the family, for the kids. You could tell they actually thrive more there.

You really can. Right. The environment. I don't know, I love living there. I feel like our work is like planes and all these different venues. But going back home there is nice, very nice. And it's become like, isn't Rogan's club there now?

It's hot. Yeah, it's a hot place. He's got his club, there's probably other. There's Beacon the Cave, they opened one there. They started here and they have one there. There's a sunset room, I think that- And there's enough people to sustain it. Yeah, then there's a Cap City moved,

but they have a club open. Yeah, there's a lot of stuff. There's a real scene in Austin. Right. Yeah, it's great. That's great. Yeah. How many more days are you gonna add

to your daily show schedule? So I was thinking of doing Mondays. That's already done. Oh, then we're good. No more? No, dude. No more. Look at me.

You think I can maintain this beautiful physique? You can, you look great. And supple skin without doing too many. No, what's nice about it too is like, it kinda, it just sorta, it was just like a reboot of the direction. They'd been going for like two years, there was the writer's strike,

there was a bunch of guest hosts. Now it's sort of, I think the staff feels like they just needed to recenter and they got all these really talented correspondents and now they're getting a chance to like host. But they'll name, is someone gonna get named as the permanent? I mean, I think ultimately.

But in the moment now, it's just about getting through this election year with the kind of infrastructure that they have now. Were people, when you're on your first day back in the room, do you have to put people at ease? I imagine they'd be like, oh shit, how do I? I mean, that's always, I try to, I'm that way anyway. Sure.

Like, which is strange because I am also very much an introvert. So it doesn't come naturally to me. And when I'm done doing it, I'm exhausted. I bet. Like there's some people that get energized. Yeah, I'm not like that. Yeah, I'm not like that at all.

So, but I was genuinely, you know, it's been nine years and a pandemic and like I'm pretty self isolating. So coming out and being in a room with a bunch of smart, funny people where you can just fuck around and. It's exciting. Exciting.

When you, I thought I asked you this when we were doing those gigs, but when you... Those were fun too, by the way. I was so glad to be able to do that. Yeah, that was great. So thank you for coming out. No, thank you. That was awesome.

When you first stepped away and the show was going on and you have this new, I guess it was, I forget, did you step away during the election cycle or right after the? Right before the election. Right before the election, yeah. So I left in August, it might've been in August the year before the election.

The year before, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did, when things started to ramp up, would you be like, I wish I was doing this? Or no, you didn't miss it. No. You were like. And you didn't miss it. No. And I wouldn't miss it. If someone said to me,

would you go back and host the show again? I would not do that. No. But it's sort of like being in a pickleball league. It's like, if somebody came back and be like, so do you wanna get back on? You wanna play soccer again in a high function? No, you wanna do pickleball once a week,

yeah, I could do that. That'd be fun. It'd be fun to hang out with people for that week. Well, we're lucky to have you, man. No, it's been awesome. I'm glad you're doing it, and I hope they rope you into some contract you can't get out of for a long time.

No, I hope we get to do more, I hope I want to come back out and have some fun, and hopefully Burt will be there. If his health picks up. Dude, I'm sad about that. Is it, I hope he's okay. He's okay. All right.

He's okay. Yeah, yeah. That's good. He's got the best doctors. Good. Yeah. That's good. Yeah.

So let's do some more gigs. That'd be fun, man. Yeah. And thank you for coming here. This is, I actually live in the building. So. You live here? Oh yeah. It's really nice. Yeah, thank you for coming here. This is, I actually live in the building. You live here? Oh yeah. That's really nice.

Yeah, thank you. Yeah, all right. Thank you, brother. Thanks for watching, guys. Bye. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes to the top, the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine.

There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call, Two Bears, One Cave.