2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Double Team w/ KFC Radio | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: April 8, 2024

SPONSORS: Go to http://Kettleandfire.com/BEARS and use code: BEARS for a limited time to save 25% off your entire order. Brought to you by BetterHelp, visit https://BetterHelp.com/BEARS today to get 10% off your first month. Visit http://lucy.co/BEARS and use promo code BEARS to get 20% off your first order. Don’t miss out on all the action this week at DraftKings! Download the DraftKings app today! Sign-up using https://dkng.co/bears or through my promo code BEARS. Head to https://Babbel.com/BEARS to get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription for a limited time. This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Bert and Tom team up with Kevin Clancy and John Feitelberg hosts of KFC Radio on Barstool Sports! The cave is a bit crowded, but the guys make it work as they talk about meeting Joe Rogan for the first time and how to approach people that are super famous like Michael Jordan or Big Papi. Speaking of MJ, Bert is apparently the Michael Jordan of introducing people! Other topics covered include, Barstool Sports livestreams, Nancy Reagan, Big Cat, buddy podcasts, Tiny Desk concerts but with comedy, plus Bert has a fun reality show idea, and Kevin Clancy has a small story to tell. https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 231 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's time to double up. That's what we decided to do today. Double up. Double team. Double team. It's here at KFC radio times two bears. There's four of us. Is four people a gangbang? 100%. Cheers. Kettle and Fire bone broth made with all organic ingredients and bones from 100% grass-fed cows and free-range chickens. Kettle and Fire is available at almost any grocery store in the country. They have the cleanest and highest quality bone broth on the market and it's great for fasting support for a limited time. You can save 25% off your entire order when you go to kettleandfire.com slash bears and

use the code bears at checkout. That's kettle and fire.com slash bears with code bears at checkout for 25% off your entire order. Oh no, it's a hard train. It's a for some train is like you have to do it in a train. You know what I mean? Like one after another. That's what makes it a train. Yeah, it's a train. Hold on You're standing behind a dude hard. Yeah, go like I'm next Your dick so I can be like smacking your dick on her foot if you want You speak from knowledge Some someone would do have you been in the train no no no no fuck no I've seen him though

No like Have you done threesomes for some nah? No, no, no, no, fuck no, I've seen him though. I don't think I could. Like... Have you done threesomes, foursomes? There was me and my buddy one time where like, no, it didn't end up happening but there was a girl who was like I want you two to DP me and we were like Fuck yes! We were probably like 20 and we spent the entire summer

trying to get her to come back to Newport We were like, we'll pay whatever, come on down and she never came back We DP that's dick input to dick center pussy Wait what is this? It's a one in the pot one in the pussy Yeah, yeah, it's you know the thing is is that that skin between the two is really thin so you really feel the other guys They're happy in my experience.

You're slapping balls! It's crazy! What if that's your thing? All of a sudden you feel his dick rubbing your dick. And you're like, ah, that's the thing I love. That's the most...fuck. That would be the worst thing imaginable. Imagine that, like, well, this is what I gotta do now. You just accept that that's who you are, you know? And hopefully your friends understand. That's why I don't try heroin. What's the best drug you ever had?

I did Dilaudid. But it was when I fell off a waterfall. And I said I'm going to write a poem as you give it to me because that's what you do. Wait, what? He was thinking of the great songwriters. I'm like Kurt Cobain wrote a bunch of great songs. I'm gonna see if I can bang out a fucking one hit wonder, fucking make my million, and then tap out,

in and out baby, like a bank robbery, like the town. And so, my poem was, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, this feels so good, my face is hot, my face is hot my face is hot Video existed it would have a hundred He saw me get diluted that was the best Yeah, the problem with me is I have to match your story with one of my stories Fuck He saw me get diluted that was the best yeah Problem with me is I have to match your story with one of my stories. Yeah Did you get paralyzed You still probably were like yeah, but it really hurt paralyzed? I was like, nope. Then I don't think your story beats mine.

You still probably were like, yeah, but it really hurt. You haven't heard my struggle of getting out of that. I think last time when you guys were on the show, we were talking about the lot. That's right. That's right. We just did your show. Yeah. There's a lot of drinking that week Speaking of which let's find that dog that pissed in my mouth last night and have a little bit of its hair Fucking you never know with bird might be a true story Yeah, remember. Oh cuz yeah. All right. Let's let's really let's really go viral and

I was told by a friend that I don't prepare for podcasts friend Might have some podcasting experience and so let's find out last night was your first night meeting Joe Rogan Yeah, I would like first impressions because Tom and I know him very well. Yep, and and I use this I use this analogy a lot He's a little bit like a great white shark like when you see him in You're like oh fuck. That's Rogan like everyone. Yeah, everyone. Yes Yes, yes, and so I am curious to see your insights of hanging out you guys hung out with him last night First of all just a great dude like a very very gracious and humble nice guy, but I mean within five minutes

he's talking about elk meat and and you know a able to run an ultra marathon, and red light collagen treatment for your skin. And I was like, this motherfucker's, that's what he talks about. Yeah, he's the real deal. And not that I ever thought it was a shtick or anything that he was putting on for the show, but knowing... I'll take one, I will go he cleaned his life up like I did the old Johnny was a fucking mess was a fuck I always said like you're the machine we all know it I was like I know a guy who can go toe to toe with pretty much anybody you, I, his energy is infectious. Rogan, yeah, yeah.

No, no, no, his, his, yeah. No, Rogan's energy is really infectious. You know, it's fun to watch, I, I really love bringing people to introduce him to them. Yeah. Well, it's nice to have you, like, it would be a weird situation if I didn't have you to introduce, you know what I mean?

I would never want to just roll up, man, I'm a fan. So getting like, you know, a little in on that was, I think made a difference. But the fact that he on that was, I think, made a difference. But the fact that he was so genuine, I was like, whether he's on the mic and making money talking about this or doing it for free, he talks about that shit. It's the life he lives, dude.

He's just talking about the life he lives. Which makes it all the more, like he is just, he's one life. All the money, all the friends, all the opportunities, all the fun, and it's not like he has to go to work and be like, all right, today I gotta talk about MMA. There's some- He likes it, he loves it. Let loves trash him a little bit because you can do there are parts of him that are exhausting like when he fucking Tommy Jesus

Like when he when he when he tells you to stop working And he goes you need to slow down and you realize he works at a faster clip than anyone yeah He works non-stop he wakes up at 6 in the morning, is in the sauna, in the polar plunge, stretching, stretching. He was saying that. He was like, you know, sometimes you can take on too much and I was like, bro, you take on everything. He takes on everything. He takes on everything. But that's where it's also like, oh, don't get it twisted, like, I'm better at you than this. So, you know, you should slow down. I'm good. Yeah, yeah. He, I think his thing mainly with me has always been my health

Yeah, because he looks I think must be exhausting to look at me and go You're like in your him and all you care about is longevity and health and go you're just dying I've seen it with other people where you go where you see it now You can see it now when people are dying and you go. Oh, that doesn't that's not a good look Yeah, yeah, but how happy you were let you last night to tell him that you had a good clean bill of health. That was great, you were like, I've been waiting to fucking tell you this. I'm perfect. And Joe really was, he was like, hmm, okay, alright.

Like, god damn it. He knows, he knows. Doctors say so. He knows it births an anomaly though. He's always like, there's something about that guy. He says it in a very genuine, he goes goes and he really is better than he should be I don't know cheers Congratulations to what sounds like the most successful

liquor drop of all time Congratulations is awesome It is a fucking delicious. It's a good vodka. No. What did you think of Rogan? I do so because you did a little bit of like you swam back into the cage a couple times Hey, you got out of the cage with the great white and you were like, I want to see how close I can get to it You've only it up next to it. Yeah, and you go you swim out of the back into the cage I go where you going? Well, it was so so first of all like the we had a buddy who told us he's like

I was just about to leave and I saw Rogan coming so I came back in so I was aware Rogan was in the building and I'm not not a Rogan fan, but I'm not I don't listen to the podcast sure It's I'm not a super fan either so but like being in the building with him you immediately become a super right I was instantly like where is he where is he where is he? regarding like the whole time and I finally saw Kevin I was like wait Kevin wait that's Joe Rogan next to him and Our producers Pat and Jackie were like go go go talk to him and I was like no I'm not gonna do that That'd be crazy to just go interrupt Tom Burke Kevin. I'm not gonna do that and then we kept being like yeah, let's not go That's crazy, and then we just kept inching and inching and I yeah five minutes later

We're like why are we close does he have a wake like what is pulling us in? The rogue in gravity it was like hot girl energy. Yeah Blink does I'm standing next to what the fuck how this happened but then when I finally got there the What he was talking about was it was like my mind was blown because he was just like I could overhear a little bit him just being like and his forearms he's got big forearms oh yeah

Steve Garvey he had a picture up he's like look at these things they'd punch a hole right in your head how you doing I'm Joe this is what Joe Rogan is talking about right now. Yeah, he's like, that guy is... You can't script it. You can't, I mean... Built to fuck you up. He goes, he's got a frame like an MMA guy. I told Shannon Sharp the same thing. I was like, that's crazy.

Specifically Google forearms. Steve Garvey forearms. And there's that one picture where he's like, that one all the way on the right. All the way on the right. That's what Joey's showing us. Look at those fucking forms. By the way, he's running for office in California and you got my votes, Steve. That's Joe's lock screen right there. Fucking Garvey holding that back.

I thought I was like, that's gotta be fake or whatever. You look at all those pictures, it's hairy. He looks like an abominable snowman. It's a Yeti. I told, when I met Steve Steve Garvey I think I told you guys this last night and I said to him my my my friend growing up his mom dated you in high school and he went who

and I said her name and he went hmm you know I get mixed up with Steve Harvey a lot and I went I think I would remember He didn't remember though, no he didn't remember her there's but here's the thing about those guys baseball players So much pussy To it you're on the road for 81 of them so right yeah he's thinking of decades of pussy he's like Shannon well you heard the Mulaney bit about Clinton now when he's talking about when he was a kid and his Clinton was running for election and his what his mom had

gone to college with Clinton and she was like I want to see if he remembers me and he's telling the story how she pushes up this little John Lane in order to get to Bill Clinton and Clinton sees her and whatever hello Shannon and he goes cuz Clinton never forgets a bitch I actually swallow. You don't forget the ones that swallow. I believe that he would remember too. Oh yeah. He has that type of charisma. You know what I mean?

Like for sure. You know, that's why he's Clinton. He winks at you, shakes hands, kiss babies and like makes you feel like the most, you know, the bell of the ball. I remember that thing he used to do with my balls. Like he moves on to the next person and you're like, Oh my God, he remembers. An action packed fight card is taking over Las Vegas for UFC 300 and Draft King Sportsbook. The official sports betting partner of UFC is giving new customers a shot to turn five bucks into $150 instantly in bonus bets with any UFC 300 bet. This is what I'm talking about, man.

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168 hours after issuance see DK ng co Mma for eligibility and deposit restrictions terms and responsible gaming resources this episode of two bears one Cave is sponsored by BetterHelp. It can be easy to ignore our social battery and spread ourselves thin, especially with social gatherings picking up after the winter. That's right. It happens to all of us. What's the right amount of socializing for you? How do you recharge?

Maybe you thrive around people like myself or maybe you need some alone time like my wife Leanne. Therapy can give you the self-awareness to build a social life that doesn't drain your battery. My battery is charging around people. I need to be around people. I got to be honest with you, Leanne's isn't. We both are in therapy and we talked about that in therapy and we learned to give each other space to recharge and that isn't just me giving alone time, it's Leanne allowing me moments to have people over and we learn the best way to communicate is for me to ask her first. We learn this in therapy, it works for us, therapy is awesome. If you're thinking about starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try.

It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. Find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash bears today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.help.com slash bears. Well, you know, it's interesting is, I mean, I'm not calling anyone out, but some guy came up to Joe and told him about a meeting he had with Joe about investing in one of Joe's companies or something. At the party? And Joe just, I watched Joe go blank, and the guy starts to walk away, he's a fucking liar. I've never met him, I've never met him.

And I was like, Joe's the kind of guy that remembers. He remembers everything. Who he's met and who he hasn't met. Sure. My favorite, and once again, you know I love you, John. You know I love you. John, sister, sister, sorry, you know, I love you John, you know, I love you John Sorry my buddy. I always fuck his last name up the guy, you know until right now. I think about me

The big guy I think it's so sorry. So's a sorry sessa. Sorry you pull them up. Oh 1313 Yeah, oh my brain is broken My brain is so broken. He's there last night, and he goes and I said yeah, which one is it? He's yeah, okay. No no you had it you You had it in the... it was auto-correcting for you. That's it. Nope. Instagram. Anyway, he's...

Notre Dame. Notre Dame. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Notre Dame. He played for Notre Dame. He's a fucking... No, not author. Oh, Notre Dame. Yeah, yeah, that's him. That's him. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he's a big personality. He's I love the guy Sarah Sonny Sarah Sonny Yeah, Sarah Sonny John Sarah Sonny. He's on Instagram. Give him a follow. He's fun as fuck I love hanging out with him because he's a big energy. He's got your energy He's got my energy and I love it and he said I said Rogan's coming by he goes well I can't wait to meet him. I said hold on. Let me introduce you to him. He goes no, I'm good

I went no, no, no, no, let me introduce you to him. And then as you watch people introduce themselves to Joe, no one does it well. No one does it well because the move is just stand there. Wait for him to say hi to you, and then he'll be generous with his time. But the fucking people that ear beat him, like they could just go up.

As his friend, you feel protective of his time cause you're like watching some bitch just, I watched this chick roll in last night and was like, some bitch. And she was like, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, aliens? And you're like, you,

it was a red ball on some people, right? Like just someone, like you said, be very cognizant of their time. You know what I mean? There's a weird thing of like super famous though Yeah, we just kind of lose there There's all these stories now because like you get it like we know Joe so you've and we've been around like you You think everything's normal and then someone spots them and you're like, oh shit. Yeah, he's super famous like you forget then like these stories like all these Michael Jordan stories are

Insane of like how he's like I don't give a fuck who you are Have you seen the chameleon air story no no dude he's chameleon air so is a pretty well known rapper Is a is at a party and like you know some whatever event probably like last night and he walks around in this back room there's like Derek Jeter and a couple like big-time you know former basketball players and MJ and so he walks up and he's like what's up and said Jordan was like fuck off and then he's like oh, no, I'm chameleon. He's I don't give a shit who the fuck you are

Yeah, and so he's like I have a jersey of yours that I got at an auction I would love if you sign it and he said John was like you have $25,000 and And that that the friends were like no no no like he's cool like yeah, it's chameleon. He's cool And then he's like go get $25,000 I'll sign your shit gangster Like also the party goes like that's crazy, but then party you has to think like yeah But what's it really like to be anywhere and be Michael Jordan? Yeah, because that's happened to him like a billion times from everybody. So eventually you go, give me 25K.

Dude, I was just at dinner in Miami and I was sitting next to David Ortiz and I was like, it was actually very cool because no one was talking to him. And I was like, that's pretty sick that everyone's given Poppy his time. And then we happened to both be in the bathroom at the same time and in the bathroom it was insane

It was like it was like we were just waiting for him to get it from his table Yeah, and he was he was the opposite he was incredibly people ask him to take selfies while he was like taking a piss He's like he's like come on in They're like fucking go Yankees He's like shut the fuck up, and it was like it was the exact opposite of that situation But I was thinking exactly that while we were at dinner I was like it's crazy that like no one's bothering him right now. Yeah, but then in the bathroom It's like I guess once you get to your feet. Yeah. Yeah, what's crazy is that Joe's still in the cut like he like he still hangs

I was I when I saw that that set up. I was like road is not coming here It's gonna be a fucking frenzy if you walks in he was like close the bar down Yeah, he closed the bar with Shane Gillis helps when he's like one more drink I was blacked out at that point Leanne had pulled the plug on me She was like you're done. How many how many zins are in your mouth? She's like come on I got three burgers. Let's go home and fuck and I was like and then Shane's like one more drink I love that energy. I love that energy. I love when someone's like, one more. That's why, you know, that's why I love Gillis.

It's like, you can tempt him into drinking, and he can tempt me into, I love it. It's like, I, I. Dude, when we had to leave, we were on our way out the door. What are they laughing at? What are they laughing at? I think they're just laughing at the fact that

you don't really need to be tempted. Tempted to drink. Yeah, yeah. We, we, we, you know, we were getting up to do our show I think they're just laughing at the fact that you don't really need to be tempted We we you know we were getting up to do our show before this and we knew we were doing that so it was Like one o'clock. We're like we gotta go and I was like I'm afraid to tell Shane relieving because I know he's gonna be like You pussy stay and have another one like we're gonna stay and have another one He's like, you know Shane's like the guy in high school that hasn't found pussy yet He's like, you know Shane's like the guy in high school that hasn't found pussy yet Like he's the guy that just is about the bros Football that's so what do you mean? You're going to fucking beach week. We're two days

That that reminds you of the question the age old question and everyone always has the right answer But one of our co-workers once asked us for like say a genie comes down and he's like you can only do one of two things for the rest of your life you can make women come or you can make your homies laugh Wow What are you choosing? Whoa And Hehehehe Yo you gotta take the homies come on

You know I've spent a very very solid part of our relationship not making women come Yeah and it was good Not knowing it Right And being very cool with it actually Right Being like well it's about me You know I've spent a very solid part of our relationship not making land come, not knowing it. Right. You were fine. And being very cool with it actually. Being like, well it's about me.

She just likes it being in her I guess. She hates it, but you're good so whatever. I talked to an investor last night and he goes, your vodka's good. And I regret, and I kept saying it, I couldn't shut my mouth. I go, buddy, Malcolm Gladwell says you have to put your 10,000 hours in. Well I put my 10,000 hours in two things. Drinking vodka and eating pussy. I go, let me introduce you to my wife.

And everyone's like, ah. Well, I don't know about that one, but we did say on our show earlier today, you might be the greatest introducer of all time. You might be better at introducing people than anybody is than Jordan at basketball. Like, and also it's because you're lying. Like he introduced us to a couple billionaires and he was like, these guys have the biggest podcast

on the planet. They're, you know, they're movie stars. I was like, okay, how are you, man? Nice to meet you. I've seen this many times. I know exactly what you know exactly it does make you feel good yeah yeah yeah you walk away believing I think he's right I love I love the Chicago Bulls intro music as I meet someone could they go hey can I

introduce your friend and then I hear ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Bird Crisis! And I'm like, very good to meet you. Have I shown you my stomach? Yeah. From North Carolina! Yes. Six foot six! Yes.

We were talking about our balance because even this trip was, you know, you texted both of us. Don't fucking pussy sip that. I know what you're doing. Listen to your little fucking... When you pussy sip it, I've been there, where you're like, I'll have a drink, and then you go, but I'm not really drinking.

And then you're with the boys, you have a drink. Kevin, you're right. Cheers. But I was saying... I'm actually, I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm doing alright. Well, you have work to do. Okay.

I told him today on our show, I was like, I'm so grateful for you because when we got the text, I was very happy to be invited, but I was like, I don't know, we're just gonna fly in for one night to party. And he was like, let's go, we're going. You know, like, these guys have been great to us, we're going. And I was like, fuck's go, we're going. You know, like, these guys have been great to us, we're going. And I was like, fuck yeah, we're doing it. And then when we get there, so he makes me go to do things and then I'm getting people's numbers

and I'll be the one who follow up and text and have them come on the show and all that. So it's like, he makes me come to the building and then I'll do all the follow up work. And it's like, that's the only way we work together. Otherwise we would just be bums at home, you know? He's the fucking 19 year old hanging out at the high school selling weed you're the guy bringing in the packages And by the way, there's a reason we're sitting like this I'll say this though. I you know I had no idea you guys were gonna be there

But that is also the magic of Burt is that I He'll just like yeah, I texted like Everybody all my friends everybody I know in who live in different parts of the country, and you're like you invited them to this He's like yeah, like I would always my mind is like these guys live in New York, right? Never think to invite somebody to fly down Coming down here on that. Yeah, I would never think to invite somebody to yeah fly down It was the second we saw a tech. I was like of course we're gonna There you know I want to

Sometimes I feel underappreciated not today not today. I have the music today Just so amazing you know I did one of the coolest things in the world that any dude's gonna do for their friends. I did. When I surprised you guys and flew you to Amsterdam. You know that story, right Tommy? Yes, I do. And I feel like you should be appreciated for it. Oh no, no. I got my appreciation last night.

And I say this in like, it never went viral the way I thought it should and it never was repaid with other people the way I thought it should. Like I thought it should be a thing dudes do and you know I did it because you do it to your friends. Not at the last minute but Tom flies out friends he grew up with, he's like yo I'm at the United Center for two shows, it's fucking big.

Why don't you come out, we'll have dinner, we'll spend some time together. It's Tom's brain, of course go. How do I monetize that? How do I get worldwide appreciation? Properly we did have a time Humanity, he's like, I want my fucking name on our folder. The best way to learn a new language, immersion, living where the language is spoken and using it every single day. But if that's not in the cards for you this year, you can still learn language the second best way. And that is with

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She's like, oh, there's one. And I was like, he's asleep. She's like, so just leave it in front of him. I was like, well, he's not going to say thank you. That's crazy. I got to wake him up. I kept there. I was like, I'll find the guy who's awake and who's gonna appreciate me properly for

my half a chicken roast. My flowers came last night when I said, hey Joe, can I introduce you to two guys? And he said, sure. And I said, it's Kevin and John. They have a great fucking podcast. Bring you over, you guys say hi. And he's like, and then privately I'm talking to him and I was like, you know Those are they really have their finger on the pulse of like funny comics

Like if there's a comic on their show, it's a fucking legit comic They really know comedy and this and that and he's like, how do you know them? And I said, you know I really don't know but This is why I love them. I said I Texted them with 24 hours notice to fly to Amsterdam last year. And Joe's like, what? And I got my flowers for that whole trip in Rogan going, hold on, wait, what do you mean?

I said, buddy, 24 hours notice, I said, I'm gonna text you, you have to show up at the airport. You don't know where you're going until you get there. And I flew to the master and he's like, shut the fuck up. And I was like, and he goes, how was it? And I was like, it ended with us and the dude from Entourage at Flying Dildos getting face fucked by fucking pussies. And Joe's like.

I got ass fucked by a shoe. Yeah, you did. Ask the mouth, ask the mouth. Ask the mouth, ask the mouth. But the best is Joe goes, who from Entourage? And I was like, this is perfect. It was all the payoff I needed for that trip for Joe to go 24 hours and they did it

Well Hoover Montarra I want to make sure you know how much we appreciate I know that I know you a million times before but It truly was one of the most baller moves ever like that's that's the shit You should do when you got money and made it and have opportunities, but a lot of people don't do it. That was so fucking awesome. It was so, it was maybe one of the funner days of my life, because it was also Winston Churchill Day.

Yeah. Yep. And it was Chinese New Year's. And we all were dressed up and red and everything. It was, if I could live that day over again, I'd do it again Like my Groundhog day that was fucking fun Mark blacked out on mushrooms and then we found him in a turn when he came back It was incredible what Tom what what what is it about you that doesn't make you want to live a fun life?

Is you like when you get Tom loose, it's the funnest It's the funnest like when you see the when he and this these are the words Do you want to go upstairs have a cigar like that's when you know? Well, yeah, I'm just ready to get into Tom's things. He doesn't like the things that you you know what I mean You do shit. He doesn't like he's not gonna get excited for it. Oh Fucking if you say hey, I got a guy who says we can drive Lamborghini right track That's all gonna see it gets hard. Yeah, it's true. Yeah, it's fun. Yeah, I do like that. It's hard to drive I know I was gonna say I I use another I'm so not good at spending money at all. I was telling a story recently where I was talking to a financial advisor and he was

like, so what's your five-year plan? And I was like, oh, I don't have one. And he's like, well, what do you need the money for? And I was like, well, I guess I don't need it. And he was like, so what do you want me to do with it? I was like, I don't know. I guess I don't really care what you do. That's pretty amazing. I don't know I guess I don't really care what you do Pretty amazing

One time like the very first time we ever even like talked to an agent they were like what's the lowest? You'll go like what's what's like the lowest point for your salary as we go into this negotiation John goes I don't know like half of what I'm making now And he was like we're not gonna go lower dude I don't know, like half of what I'm making now? And he was like, we're not gonna go lower, dude! Are you crazy? He was like, what would be your hard note? And I was like, if they cut my salary in half, I'd definitely be pretty pissed.

We are the worst fucking businessmen on the planet. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, yeah, one more, one more, one more! He benched 135, 42 times. 42 times. Jesus Christ. The only person who could, we do what NFL combine at Barswell. I love what Barswell's doing by the way. I love what Barswell's doing by the way.

42? Dude it was nuts. It was crazy. We've done it three times now. We did one 12 years ago, whatever it was. It was me, Portnoy, and Big Cat, just the three of us. And then we had one like five years ago when the company got bigger.

And now we did like a real official one in our new Chicago office. We had all the right equipment and everything and You know Will Compton Yes, is on the roster and so he's like we're all like thinking he's probably gonna win the fucking combine You know, but I was like, oh my god I'm gonna give him a run for his money and I think well it took will every ounce of his being to beat Fidelberg at 43, but I was like yeah He's also just coming off of a fucking NFL career. Yeah, I here is just a regular dude You realize he went into a dark place to get 40 There was a door in his head that it was like you can't fucking let a regular yes

I think if I went after him. I think it was whoever went last wins. Yeah, I could have seen that. I went first, I hit 42, I think he hit 43. If he hit 43, I was hitting 45. And I keep, I don't want to hate on the boy, but some of those reps are a little short. Wow. My man was going, Fuddleberg was going chest to elbows locked, I'll just say. But I mean, he was tossing that weight. I would say people who say lock it out, or people who say that's not a full push-up, go all all the way up are the same as Holocaust deniers Shut your fucking mouth. I don't want to hear it. I don't care what the numbers are Let's just say six million Fucking six million. That's enough. All right, they killed some you

They killed some a bunch Full extension, same thing. Exactly the same as the combine. I'm curious about this, Big Cat's a big dude. If he gets after it... But he's not in good shape. He was. When he first started, he used to do crossfit.

He was very fit. And I remember all of us were like, we don't do that around here. I think we heard the name Big Cat from Chicago, and we just pictured like, And I remember all of us were like well, that's right. We don't do that. Yeah Heard the name big cat from Chicago. We just pictured like Chicago yeah, and I remember the first time seeing Dan I was like damn. He's in like shape and shit fuck that yeah Yeah, but we I remember we did say like because at this point. We're not doing podcast. We're not doing videos Yeah, we are literally just blogging from home Posting pictures like celebrity girls asses and just like dick jokes and shit

and we were like give it some time, give it some time and you know, within a few months he fell into the blogger life pretty quickly you know what he's got, he's pretty he's too pretty and pretty guys, pretty boys their stomachs fall apart

he's a pretty boy he's a pretty boy is He's a pretty boy. Is that you making excuses for yourself? No, no, no. I was too fucking hot when I was a kid. No, no, no. Listen, my problem was me. But Big Cat's a strikingly attractive man.

Jesus Christ. He's a good looking man. Are you gonna fuck Dan? What's going on? No, he's a good looking dude. He's got very pretty eyes. I was gonna say, the eyes are beautiful. He's a gorgeous dude.

Let Dan hear it, tell him. It's like just... Dan. To camera. Hey Dan. Big cat. You are good looking. If you had been my bracket when we fucked people, I'd let you come inside me before Kill a Cam.

Oh my god. Now, wait. Did you guys not... Do you guys not cool with gay shit? Oh please. Okay, so, but the problem with good looking guys is there is sometimes they ignore their body because their face, when they put on a shirt they go, the face is going to do the work. This is the money maker.

This is the money maker. I have the jawline still there, I'm rocking a mustache, good eyes, good hairline. I can throw on glasses, everyone thinks I read. And that's what happens to pretty boys is they their body falls apart Yeah, I get that makes honestly you really landed that plane A fucking potty for this podcast. I'm killing it today The Holocaust analogy is the best analogy I've ever come up with in my life. Yeah, just like so a lot like bench reps Here's a good one that we just said the other day for you, Bert

I think you'll like this If you could bring back someone from the dead and have sex with them, who would it be? We think there's a right answer for I didn't know sex was gonna be part of it I was just gonna say my grandma I was like thank god I didn't fucking answer that question That's my answer, you're a grandma So positive food question is done I was like, Bart, I was just gonna say my grandma. I was like, thank god I didn't fucking answer that quick. That's my answer, you're a grandma.

It's a buzzer before the question's done. My grandmother. And fucker. If I could bring someone back from the dead and fuck her. Or him. No, no, no, no. We said there, I believe there's an actual correct answer for women and gay men. I have my goat list is Jackie oh

Fidelberg went down the same road similar roads on my road. Yeah, she's first ladies first ladies Tell everyone who doesn't know one of of those great Nancy Reagan was it sucking cock? Maybe the like the biggest case of like desecrating a dead person ever But what's like a couple years ago it went viral that she just sucked everybody off and gave the best head I don't think it's a creation It's a we're praising her here's some you know about persons like how we just learned Fidel Castro could ball We're praising her. Hey, here's something you know about this person. It's like how we just learned Fidel Castro could ball.

Yeah. He could play basketball? It's crazy. Oh yeah, he can hoop. It's crazy to think of Nancy Reagan. They actually believe he might have. It's way what? It's crazy to think of Nancy Reagan on her

and he's just like, chocked. Like, slimy head. And you're like, Nancy. And it was everybody. Her hair didn't move. It's like every, from politicians to movie stars, like everybody. Jane Mansfield will be badass Who's that was that the epic picture of Sophia Loren? I was gonna say Sophia

Sophia Loren is Let's take it this one. Are you bringing them back from the dead like right before they die or into their? No, yeah, are they like are they 83? Just stay alive, about two more minutes. I'd fuck Susan Sarandon now. She's alive. She's alive. She's gonna hear this, that's all right.

Well, hard offer. I'm in. Susan Sarandon's still fucking hot. I don't want to hear her talk, but like she would be exhausting. Fucking, she'd be be like so your friends are You realize that she was smiling a moment ago, and then she was like oh this guy's a fucking ass Nothing I that's the beauty of and I say this and I hope you guys hear this the right way This is better than anyone can ever do.

This is the funnest fucking thing in the world. Is to have really funny friends and see them and then fly in to for your vodka launch and then go, hey, do you guys wanna podcast tomorrow? And you guys go, we'll change our flight. And then go, let's fucking hang tomorrow. Cause it's also the ease of it. You know what I mean?

Like there's, you can be a movie star and always like you can tour, Taylor Swift, but that's hard. That's a lot to do And I mean, I guess you guys go on tour a lot so like the comic lifestyle is not easy but doing this is like For the opportunities that can afford and the money you can potentially make and kind of how easy it is to just kick it with Your friends. Yeah, it's like I feel like it's like them some secret we unlocked. I'm like wow I want all you guys try to do this. We're not and we're not that town. No, that's yeah

I mean, that's a definitely not talent. I will say I'm for sure not down to all you guys out there starting podcasts You're better than us. I'm being serious. I watched a dude have a clip going I made the greatest mac and cheese in the world last night. That was being in this clip I went God. Where's he come up with some material? Because I watched this whole fucking video some fat guy and like I don't even know it's a podcast where they just do clips these days. Yeah that's true. Like dude when you think of and I think about this a lot like Tom and I started doing two bears and I think it all this everyone was doing solo podcasts and then all sudden you start seeing Buddy podcast. Man they're so good you guys are

so good like your podcast is so good. When you see like, McCusker and Shane are amazing. It's the chemistry. Especially those guys who have known each other truly forever. You know, like you can't replicate that. But it's like there's so many fucking solid podcasts out there that I start going like, yeah, I'm gonna get found out, I'm just selling jeans.

Everyone else is digging for gold and I'm selling Levi's. But this job, I'd do this forever. I'd do this forever. Are you guys gonna get in on the streaming wave at all? We have a lot of guys at Barstool doing these crazy streams. Just last night we had one guy, Jerry, locked himself in a gym and he did not leave until he broke Caitlin Clark's scoring record.

Last night he scored 3,500 whatever points. He had 509 th threes such a disrespect Five hours, that's it Like five hundred threes six hundred twos and seven hundred free throws whatever like I'm better than you woman like that was the whole fucking So many guys, I'm like yeah, fuck that bitch You know you guys are the pushback you woke woke culture is Bar stool like you guys are the pushback what you guys are doing. I find so fucking fascinating like when that kid

I don't know who he is, but he locked himself in a room to hit a hole in one He took you know like two thousand strokes to get a hole in one. Same guy. Same guy. Same guy. Same guy. He did the K. Clark one. He took, you know, like, 2,000 strokes to get a hole in one. Really? Oh, buddy. It took him like 48 hours. This is my breakdown of the course. His hands were bleeding. No, it was a simulator.

And he just swung. Oh, just swung. 2,000? And he played Pebble Beach. He has like Pebble Beach 8 maybe? Something like that. He had like, you know, JJ Wa and celebrities like chiming in on it. Golf guys were watching it

It was we have a guy so so we had the dude last night doing the scoring record the same time We have a dude right now as we speak. He's living in solitary confinement for a week And he's just in a room inside Every fucking five minutes, right? It's streaming and streaming like you hate holding you sleeping. Hey to watch it. It's free Yeah, that feels like that whole world is like so set up for His brain that's right This guy he was a counting grains of rice. They're giving him these stupid challenges while he's in there He had to put together a puzzle while yet oven mitts on you can I count the number of crazy price?

When I soft pitch my idea that yeah, this is my baby. I've wanted to do this forever When I soft pitch my idea that this is my baby, I've wanted to do this forever. It's called Stranded and Branded. Stranded and Branded? I wanna move to a desert island and only sustain my life off of corporate integrations. So people will send me, Porosos will be one, great integration.

I would love Lucy's Kettle and Fire, but they send them in crates to my island and I only can live off of branded integrations and I lived there for 30 days. And the first one I'd love a car sponsorship, a Subaru, dropped off on the island and then I get to tear it apart and use it as a castaway in every way possible. But like I love... I mean bro, these are things you can make that happen. Yeah, but I don't have 30 days. Like it's tough. Well, you have to do 30, but just do a week.

But I love what Barstool's doing, and I think it's because, I think it's, I honestly think it's because you guys got bought by the big company and Dave bought it back for a dollar, and you guys all then went public, you had money, and you got to do what you wanted to do. It's so cool. When I look at like, when I watched the Combine, you know, I watched it live.

Isn't that fucked up? Like I have a lot of shit on my plate. Yeah, the fact that you're tuning in on like a Tuesday, 11 a.m. or whatever. I went to YouTube and it said Upcoming or something. You know, like it's coming out to premiere. I'll leave it here. And then I heard them talking, it was Big Cat, I think I heard you know? Yeah, that's the premiere. And I went, I'll leave it here. And then I heard them talking.

It was Big Cat, I think I heard first. And I went, I'm in. And I fucking love that shit. I love it so much. It's so funny too, because it is tune in network. Like it is like old school. Yeah. Like appointment television.

Appointment television. Yeah, it's kind of like the- Have you noticed, is it a big shift since Dave came, or like the ownership change? Us personally like we never really changed we kind of said and did whatever we wanted all the time Which probably wasn't the smartest play, but we're not really gamblers So like we gambling it would have been if we were like went big on like pen gaming like you know You talk about gambling here and there, but like we weren't gambler

So it didn't really work the guys who were gambling were like you had to you have to change your whole you can't talk a certain way You got oh, which is like a big part of your guys culture though as a brand right? So it was you know a little bit tough for those guys and and then when now that Penn sold us and we're like those Clamps are off. It was a little like Freeing for those guys I think. We never, I would say on the whole, there was a couple things here and there that you weren't allowed to say about gambling and maybe a couple times people would bite their tongue about certain jokes or whatever but like for the most part, we let it fly.

Well one guy got fired and then Dave rehired him right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What did he say, sang the N-word or something? He was so dumb. That don't mean that he did that. It was so gay to watch Unfold, that somebody clearly like reading something. Yeah.

And be like, oh, and then they'd be like, you're fired. Like, it was what? That's corporate mentality, and that's not what I subscribe to at all. But, and it's what I love about the direction Barstool's going in, is it just seems untethered. It's very much, like, it's what I love about the direction Barstool's going in, is it just seems untethered. It's very much like, it's a situation that never ever happens where, you know, it's like,

was it, pigs get fat, hogs get slaughtered. I think there was probably a three year run where we were a hog. Where it was just like, we were being corporate, it wasn't great content. I think it was probably the last two or three years of Penn. It means we got like too big for our britches We kind of got like Same thing I Don't know which one I am you fatten up a pig to kill it so you can feed people with it

Yeah, so please get fat hog gets our we were a hog for a while And I think you very rarely get to see a company become a pig again. Yeah, we came back I think we somehow like I can't think of it ever happening with another company. Yeah, all right you guys are a little guy again, right? And yes, somehow we became like the underdog again. Yeah, Dave's buying a 42 million dollar house, but we're the underdogs I do love that he unabashedly talks about his money. Yeah, I love it inspires me. It really does I go well. He's also I mean he's a he, you know, delivered fucking newspapers in a shitty like van for... Yeah, and he worked his way up. So when you get there, it's like, fuck yeah.

He's got a beautiful swing. Beautiful baseball swing. He has faster hands than Delano De Shields. He's a beautiful baseball swim. That was the line his baseball coach told him. He coached Delano De Shields and he's like, he's got faster hands than him. And Dave will tell you that every single time he talks about baseball. Wade Boggs broke down my swings. Oh. I love how quick how about this we got another guy Marty mush who oh yeah said I'm gonna go face major league pitching this in spring training

I'm gonna do a hundred at bats how many hits do you think I'm gonna get we were like a fucking zero, dude He faced Trevor Bauer went two for four first four I bet but like oh Two before yeah, I think you went to furry right but like right away like ripped a single up the middle like and they had A simulator that was be that is like being like that would have dropped in that would have been a base gap Can I tell you all I think when I hear that is imagine if that guy was famous? Your buddy yeah, and all I think is is imagine if that guy was famous your buddy yeah and all I think is Bert can do that I go I wake up with him go down he's he still has more pictures to do with I'm sure he'd love to join I think that's I love that it's

it's you know what it is it's my favorite thing in the world is hung over Sunday morning in the living room energy yeah like when you read those debates and those arguments in my shit Yeah, and you're I could get a hit off of that guy But but like barstool and you guys are like you're in a position where you can kind of it's like all right prove it go Fuckin let's call up Trevor Bauer. Yeah, this guy that got the hits who was he's just one of the guys who works with This is my guy. She's just the mush. He's one of the gambling guys. He's got a beautiful mind He's like you know an idiot savant and faced other pictures. Yeah, and then and then he Oakland A's

Opening day starter ripped the head off of him There was a couple guys who were like hey, they were like, I hope like the scouts don't see this Like I don't think I'm gonna make the team But he might be having an effect on major league players. Does he have a legit baseball background? Having an effect on major league players because of a legit baseball background well All do no Yeah, like he played but like division three college, but that's still like more than the average guy But not that I was like you're not gonna even touch and these guys were going like balls to the wall they were like we are not fucking around they told him ahead of time like you're getting all my pitches full velocity and

Right away gets imagine this like the fucking rush. Oh of confidence that guy has They told him ahead of time, like, you're getting all my pitches full velocity and right away get the hit. Can you imagine the fucking rush of confidence that guy has? He said in the moment he was in the best moment of his life. But it's like not just with the hit but like, that's like one thing is the moment you hit contact and you feel good but like when he walks off and the first time like he makes eye contact with someone like you going like... Fuck it, I did that. Fuck it. It was also like the crack of the bat. It like echo right up the middle the cameraman had to jump out of the way It was like he smoked it and he sees like another pro player being like

To you yeah, man, it's fucking amazing. I like we kind of got a little way from it I was gonna say earlier stranded in Brandon's like the greatest idea. Yeah I think some of these two competition went away, and I didn't want to interrupt that but like Branded fucking amazing and you're not a money that you make doing it cuz hey Can can you be my portnoy and make it happen? Yeah, we can just read it ready If you guys get into the streaming world and do some of these like we're gonna lock ourselves in a room for 24 hours Lock ourselves on an island do it till we we're not leaving until it's done You definitely I'm sure Alan is back. They're just being like making calls already. I there's so many things I wanted to do like that I

Yeah, I I I think where you got the direction you guys are going and I would love I would love to do more stuff like that Cuz that's all I give a fuck about like. Sometimes you get a script and you're like, you read it and you're like, I guess I can fix it. And then you're like, okay, and I don't know if I wanna spend three months doing that, I could definitely spend a month on an island. I already have the island picked out.

I already have the island picked out. You're fucking doing this. Right outside the Bahamas. Beautiful Family owns it, I reached out to them. Beautiful Family owns it I reach out to them a beautiful family By the way at the time at the time they were trying to sell the island Oh Epstein Little Saint what is it? Buddy if we did stranded of Brandon on Epstein's island. Yes I'll tell you this the views will be through the roof

I don't know how many brands are gonna be down, but the ones that are gonna get their money's worth Dude make stranded and branded happen Yeah, no, I'll do it. Okay. I'll do it in a heartbeat I will do it if I can Is you bring out a brand sponsorship you come out and you go? Bert is day four and I'm bringing out fucking pirates booty pirate pirate pirate water Pirate water and I'm like fucking thank God, but you need snacks so pirate's booty's here

And then we just drink by a fire and I just catch you up and you know I would not let you talk anybody in fucking five days Five days I like having people who you are close with or friends with come out and you either get the option So it's Bert. I'm here with pirate water you can have pirate water or you can have me food Oh, you get some some yeah, I was just But I don't I can't help you with anything out there. I'm just gonna have someone to listen to stories Tell me a story Yeah, actually reminds me. I was gonna ask you when you were like earlier. You're like. I don't know what I'm chasing Do you think you're chasing more money or?

applause oh Come on that's an easy answer What do you think it is the applause and the praise and the love and the... You have enough money you just love... It's love. You start off the podcast talking about how you don't get enough appreciation on the internet. I like the love. Yeah. I love the love. Some guy left a shitty comment on one of our 2Bearers posts. I never read comments, but it was like, and it was a good post, I liked the post. And so I was like, you know, you get caught sometimes,

you go, ooh, comments up, wonder what it says, like it's gotta be positive. Usually it's someone you know, and you're like, oh nice. And it was like, do you remember when Tom and Bert used to be funny or something? And then I was like, oh, I'm gonna comment, but you thought we were fun,

like I was trying to think of a fun comment to come back. And then five people came off the plane and were like, hey man, I love what you do, I love it. And then I was like, that energy. It's like, I don't really understand people that don't like being famous, because I go, it's really fucking fun. It's really fun for someone to go like,

hey, you're the fucking Kool-Aid guy. And then to know that you gave them a moment sure that they just giggled And then go oh, yeah, I it's it's I yeah I don't think I could ever tap out like I think I'll always I'll do this for free It's always it's always good like no matter who you like when you're a kid And you see your grandparents and you made their day like that was a nice feeling mm-hmm And now you just make the day of people who are

their day, that was a nice feeling. And now you just make the day of people who are strangers. And that feels good. And a lot of people's lost their days. Oh shit, that person's happy. But it's also tethered to so many other things, not just comedy and podcasting, but introducing you guys to Joe last night, it's fun, I really get off on that.

Sure. And going like, hey, can I bring you guys over? I love energy, that's why I bring you guys over? I love energy. That's why I'm fucking terrified to death, is because that energy. There's no energy, bro. Yeah, it's just over there. Tom's dad, when he passed, said something to Tommy

that I think of every fucking, every day I think of it. He said, buddy, life goes on. Life goes on. And I think of that. It's so funny in that I Never met your dad or anything and but that one statement means his life goes on because I think of it every day I think your dad a lot where I go that's such a fucking profound statement is it does go on it does go on and People are forgotten and you have to do your next day and there will be days

You don't think about me, but that statement sticks with me and it's my thing I fight against is I don't want to be forgotten. I want to be I want to be I Will just want people to go like man. How cool would birth be right now? Like that's the thing That's the fucking thing. So I think my thing is not money fuck money It's the can you leave a mark when you're gone, like Jimmy Buffett, your dad. My grandma, when I think of my grandma, she gave me this necklace.

And I think of her all the time. Will you be remembered? And you don't need to be remembered like fucking Winston Churchill, but will you be remembered? And how long can you put off that second death where no one remembers you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How long can you live where people how long can you put off that second death where no one remembers you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. How long can you live where people still talk about you? Sure. I like trying to put new people onto it too. Once you've done it, it's like you've made your mark, you guys will be remembered forever. No. But the amount of people who you can open that door for, you know what I mean? Yeah.

We're not going to drink our drinks. I'm? Yeah, that we're not gonna drink our drinks I want to run this idea by you because we haven't really talked about this probably yet But I figure what better place and talk to you guys about it We got a new series that we're working on called not safe for work where we're having I mean hopefully every comic but right now we're kind of focusing on the newer Kind of who's next in New York and they're gonna it's like tiny desk music performances but for comedy mm-hmm so it's in the Barstool office very like look literally where our desks are just kind of like doing Santa doing like a like a 15 minute

stand-up and it's it's that same sort of vibe as tiny desk where it's like but different setting and it's just it's in front of the Barstool audience like we're gonna be you know the people in the crowd and you just have these like new killers come in. But Tiny Desk brings like brings in some actual music fans for those shows. Yeah. Will you guys have any outside people? If not my thing is I think that you know that reminds me a bit of like doing a private or like an award show where like the thing is you just want, you want to be fair to the comic, especially like an up and coming person.

You want excited audience. Yeah. Right? Because like it's one thing if you're like, and we work here and it's like... True. Well that's why I... I think Kevin and I differ on that. I think our fan, our coworkers will be excited. I think everyone at the office loves stand-up comedy. I think everyone will be like, fuck yeah,

this is gonna be great. Yeah, no, no, no, no, but here's, I'm gonna poke holes in this. Here's the problem, I'm not gonna work new material, obviously I'm gonna try to sell it to a streamer. And even with the, you want big names, you want big names, and what I would say, would say, bring in big names, you want big names. And what I would say, would say, bring in big names

and have them do, have the audience call out bits for them and say, like if I would do it if you go, Bert, tell the machine. And we all laughed at the idea that I'm telling the machine and then I told the machine, but I got to fuck around with inside the story because I'm telling the people that kind of already know it. Like if you said, tell old jokes,

I'd be like, oh yeah, easy, I don't have to work. I can just show up and do it. And that's what makes Tiny Death so great is you're listening to Scarface sing one of his bangers, but he's doing it in a different way. When you hear them play acoustic, that's the secret and the sauce isn't the actual

musician playing. It's them playing in an intimate setting. Right. So if you bring if you bring bring in that's kind of what we're hoping to do is like it's not you know, you're not in a club or a theater. It's like it's just it's kind of comedy in a weird spot that's not usually there. Set up one night set up one night and bring in bangers bring in Well, listen, we want to do that by the way. Mark Norman, Shane Gillis, Ari Shaffir, Big Jay Okerson. Set up one night and only have

them do one bit each and the audience picks the bit. The comic doesn't know it in the fly. That wouldn't be an insult to you as a comic? Not at all. I would think that, I guess it's good to talk to you. I would think would think if it's like hey come on in like their guys are gonna yell shit at you like I mean There's different ways you can do like the new the new or up-and-comer. I don't think you should they definitely want to be prepared and tight By the way I said like the new up-and-comers like I want I would love soda and Big J to come through I just you know but have them do something that's tired for them. Have them do something that's tired for them Like like I did it to you guys last night when I go Joe They've got the best small dick story in the world. Have you ever heard their small dick story? I don't think so

One other thing about your about the audience like however you set it up One other thing about the audience, however you set it up, wherever the stage is, have whatever the audience is be tight. Don't have people spread out. It's almost like one row. If it's gonna be 25 people or less, you need it to be very compact. I'll do the first episode.

I'll do the first episode, but it's gotta be stuff I've already done on Netflix specials. You can't tell me about it before. It's the fun, like, one of my favorite stories Tom has. And it would be cool to see maybe two comics dueling. But like, we made Ron White tell Tater Salad at Rogan's Club one night.

They were all chanting the machine. I saw Ron White in the thing and I said, I'll tell the machine if Ron White comes down and tells Tater Salad. Ron White's like, fuck I'm in. He comes down and he goes I don't even fucking remember the goddamn bit. And he piecemealed this bit. It murdered so hard I swear to God that when he was done they all started changing the machine again and I realized I can't tell the machine it's not as good as that bit. Yeah. And I went I got to do material to get you ready for the,

I gotta lower this bar a little bit. I'll do it, but it would be fun, like when I said tell your small dick story to Rogan, that's one of my favorite stories in the world. Tommy's story about finding the wallet is one of my favorite stories in the world. And I would listen to him tell it again, and that's what you wanna capture.

Yes. Is the people have heard this, but you're hearing it a different way. There's no wrinkles in it. It's, you're playing acoustic. It's like we all saw Nirvana play all their songs, but when they did it acoustic and you heard Kurt go, hold on, are we in E?

You're like, oh, fuck. They're really working this. It would be cool. Tommy, can they tell your, can I have your? Tell the small dick story? Yeah. It would be cool Tommy. Can they tell your Small dick story. Yeah, it's one of my and by the way, we did it on the cruise Yeah, we did on the cruise you guys were real inspirations to me because you live life untethered You are real genuine bros, and I love that energy. This is One of my I would say top five favorite stories I've ever heard

One of my, I would say top five favorite stories I've ever heard. Come on. Easy. Now this sucks because the bar is high, but I still think it's gonna deliver. It still delivers. Let's hear it, let's hear it. Cannot wait, can we do it in a team?

Yes. So like we're at a dinner party. Why don't you just tell the story? No, no, like we're at a dinner party, like we're at a dinner party, and I love, you be my wife, you correct me when I'm wrong. Okay, deal. So he goes to this big hockey convention.

Yep. Oh, was I right? I mean, it's the Spittin' Chicklets, the Chicklets Cup in Buffalo, New York. Okay, so he goes to this big hockey convention. Yep. Oh I mean, it's the spitting chica. It's the chicklets Cup in Buffalo, New York. Okay, it's a big It's a big roller hockey tournament and he's a big hockey player all bros. Everyone's killing beers He goes in to take a piss and a dude walks in the bathroom I'm I'm at the urinal Big long line for the bathroom was like at this venue in Buffalo. Urinal with partitions, dividers? No, I don't think so.

I think it's standard urinal. And I just hear this commotion behind me. And it's just like, this dude just goes, fellas! And everyone turns their head. They're in a bathroom. They're in a bath. No one's talking. Everyone's taking a bathroom. They're in a bath. No one's talking everyone's taking a piss

He just rips his pants and he goes I Got the smallest dick in the room and everyone the paws like what the fuck and you got it. You only got a little bit Everyone's not like what the hell's gonna go on what's gonna happen and then you start going Who's got smaller who's got smaller and another guy slides into the middle room he's like I got the smallest dick in the room and he drops his pants everyone's like who's got smaller who's got smaller who's got got smaller? And the fucking, the stall door flings open like, like Big Bird takes it in and he's like FELLOWERS! I got the smallest dick in the room

And his dude pulls his pants out and it's three dudes in the middle of the room wagging their little dicks around And everyone's going, WHO'S GOT SMALLER? And it's like, it was Primal, it was K.I. And then someone noticed me and they're like John John John John and I was like I Don't have a big dick by any stretch imagine, but you know who's got small It is I was like I'm gonna ruin the vibe yeah, I like skedaddled out of the room Which was the greatest sense of confidence for me ever I'm gonna ruin the vibe yeah, I like skedaddled out of the room. Which was the greatest sense of confidence We ever I'm like yeah, yeah, oh god boys. I'll fuck up the little dick

Normal day But then we actually so we did a show in Buffalo We did show in Buffalo probably three months ago six months ago No, and the guys came those guys those guys came and they had the t-shirts made up and then they they were like just you know by like I told a story a million times They were just you know when we were chanting John we weren't chanting for you. We had our buddy John But but the do all the kicker I don't know if you've heard this yet We got an update on the story. They show us the dick of one of their other buddies. They're like this is who we were trying to get out This is John and they show us his dick, and we were all like

What is that dude? That's fucking really small They had the photo of it. Yeah, it was a three. It was a five of them He would have absolutely lost a small dick contest It's like if this is what you guys are calling small your crulls They had won that chicklets cup or they'd won a separate hockey tournament So it's the five of them posing with a trophy, but none of them were in pants Holy so I was like eight boys just so you guys know the four you have a huge cock That's a good crew this group of guys are fucking fun guys.

Yeah. Dude, we did that when we were on the cruise. Our first night, I had not been drinking for like four months, three months. And I get on the cruise and the energy, we do our first live moment on the cruise and no one really knows what the cruise is. But we have like a speedo contest and everyone starts looking at one guy's speedo as not having a big dick. And I said, I'll give $5,000 to the smallest dick on this boat.

Dicks start coming out, right? For five grand? Women start going, him! Him! Him! I wish, Pete can't hear this, but we have a picture of that guy's dick. He showed it to Leann.

He had to prove it, he showed it to Miss Pat. Oh, yo. Showing your tiny dick to Miss Pat is like torture. Cause you know, it's just gonna be in the expression of like, mm. Oh, I felt really bad for the guy who came in second place. Yeah, cause you don't get money. I ended up giving him 2,500 bucks cause I was like, I felt really bad for the guy who came in second place. Yeah, because you don't get money.

I ended up giving him $2,500 because I was like, I'm sorry. You just got a small dick in your broach. Was it like a micro penis? Yeah. Pete, text me if you're listening. We have a picture of the dick. I'd almost rather have a full blown micro than like a bizarrely small. At least like that guy, he goes around and wins $5,000 challenges.

You'd rather be a little person than 5'3". Right. Turn me into a full blown circus act. No dude, I have a medical condition bro. Yeah. I'm gonna win five grand for five. You just have a three inch penis. I know. Dude, that is, but that is the energy I strive for in life. Fellas.

The fellas. Bro, it's funny, the people who do know it, when you say fellas, it's almost like Fight Club. Yeah. Should we do it now? It's a lifetime thing. No, we should wrap this up. I got to hit the airport.

Thank you guys. Bro, thank you guys. One of our producers is getting really mad. If I don't say go subscribe to out of yes Go watch the show yo for real. Let me say it cuz you're terrible at talking about yourself John and a couple guys at Barstool have a new sketch show called out of order that I genuinely think is one of the funniest fucking Things on the internet, and I don't know. I don't know how this guy did it all the sudden ten years in I don't know how this guy did it. All of a sudden, 10 years in, he's like an Academy Award winning actor.

Really? Like he's acting in these skits. And it's like, where the fuck has this been for a decade, bro? And the guys editing it, our guy Pavz, can make like movies, we got Owen and Sass, who can write all this shit. Like, all of a sudden they have one of the funniest

fucking things on the internet. So we'll do the podcast forever, but this is gonna be the money maker out of order. The Zen sketch is so funny that I actually didn't know it was him at first. Really? Yeah, and I was like, wait, that can't be the same guy. It's jarring. It's really, like he made a comment about Zen's.

What was the comment of, do you ever? It was like someone asked me what they were, and I was like, you ever want to feel really good but really bad at the same time? And like really happy but really sad, and like really wired but also pretty nauseous and like super locked in but you need a nap Then that's your marketing campaign Well congratulations on that You guys thank you in the world. See ya Brandon and Stranded. Stranded and Brandon baby.

Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes to the top and swallows the other. Wears the shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call, Two Bears Run Cave. Music Music Music Music Music Music

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