2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Duncan Trussell BLOWS Bert's Mind! | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: November 3, 2025

Tom will be filming his new stand-up special in Milwaukee at The Riverside Theater on November 14th & 15th! Tickets are still available in Milwaukee for the November 14th show. Go get your tickets now at https://tomsegura.com/tour. SPONSORS: - Protect your family with life insurance from Ethos. Get your free quote at https://Ethos.com/BEARS - Get your first month of BlueChew FREE Just use promo code BEARS at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping https://bluechew.com - Sponsored by BetterHelp. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at https://betterhelp.com/bears - Right now, get our free business guide, Demystifying AI, at https://Netsuite.com/BEARS. - Eat smart at https://FactorMeals.com/bears50off and use code bears50off to get 50% off your first box, plus Free Breakfast for 1 Year. Bert Kreischer celebrates turning 53 the only way he knows how — by spiraling into an existential and hilarious conversation with comedian and cosmic philosopher Duncan Trussell. From tales of Bigfoot and testicular cancer to deep dives on AI, death, main character syndrome, and whether any of us are even real, this episode swings from absurd to profound faster than Bert can take his shirt off. Duncan and Bert talk about everything — mortality, digital immortality, the illusion of self, performative living, and how comedy might be the purest form of chaos magic. Along the way, they share stories about Joe Rogan, Freddy Soto, and the strange spiritual beauty of making people laugh. There’s even a surprisingly thoughtful discussion about funerals, cruises, and the philosophy of “carpe diem.” Bert also reveals the truth about his infamous cruise (yes, the vodka shortage is real), his daughter’s fandom for Duncan, and why thumbnail culture might have “ruined podcasting.” Duncan, meanwhile, breaks Bert’s brain more than once with talk of Roko’s Basilisk, reincarnation, and smiling on the way to the gallows — all while making it sound like the funniest TED Talk you’ve ever heard. If you’ve ever wondered why we laugh at tragedy, why people live like they’re being filmed, or if you might just be an AI simulation of yourself — this is the episode for you. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 313 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:00:43 - Death Plans & Bigfoot’s Balls 00:03:59 - AI, Immortality & Roko’s Basilisk 00:07:02 - Main Character Syndrome 00:14:54 - Comedy, Therapy & Freddie Soto 00:17:10 - Hail Satan & The Disney Adult Disaster 00:22:46 - Loving Your Fans & Bert’s Cruise of Chaos 00:33:07 - Performative Life & The Polar Plunge Moment 00:41:50 - Are You Really You? Identity, Trauma, & Thumbnail People 00:54:17 - Smiling on the Way to the Gallows 01:03:10 - Cancel Culture, Bunkers & The Human Comedy 01:09:52 - The Weird Miracle Of Being Alive 01:13:43 - Bert Ruined A Photo Op Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, everyone, this month, I'm filming my new stand-up special in Milwaukee at the Riverside Theater on November 14th and 15th. Tickets are available in Milwaukee for the November 14th show only. I'll also be in El Paso, Tucson, and Colorado Springs this weekend. Get your tickets now at Thompsagrault.com slash tour. A brand-new episode of Two Bears One Cave, and for my birthday, I got my favorite guy in the world. Thank you.

And my daughter's favorite podcaster, comedian. It is a pleasure, Duncan Trussell. Thank you for having me on, sir. Thank you. Thank you. Today I turn, if you're watching this, this is November 3rd, and I turned 53 years old.

Congratulations. Thank you. I think I did. I think I lived through the week. It's not there yet. If I die, this is going to be an eerie podcast. Ooh, baby! Do you want to leave messages?

when you what do you got do you have anything planned for your death um i don't know i go back and forth between like jumping off a building or self-immolation no no not not i'm not killing yourself i don't know maybe a gun or a rope no have you ever do you have a plan for like the day you die do you think about it often you you face death you face death before any of us ever thought about death. You got testicular cancer when you were... That's right. Yeah. You were the first one of us. I think about it all the time. You were diagnosed when you were hunting for Bigfoot with Joe Rogan. No, it was after that. Oh, but you had testicular... It wasn't during the Bigfoot hunt, which would be wild. That's what I thought. I thought it was during. No. Who diagnosed me out there? I thought it was

you and Rogan in a tent. Joe, what are you? Is this cancer? That's not how it happened? Do you know I've told that story to so many people? I've talked about it so much because I called you when I found a lump in my nuts and you talked me, you're like, Bert, it was the size of a lemon. No, what happened is the squatchers, they told me that Bigfoot is attracted to cancerous balls and they're like, I've never seen so many show up. One of you guys has ball cancer. Wait, what was the connection with you and Bigfoot and testicular cancer then?

There was, until just now. For real? There's never been a connection. Duncan, I've told that to so many people. I'm so glad. I wish I had said that. We were out looking for Bigfoot. I felt an ache.

I thought you were like walking around a lot. You were looking for Bigfoot. And then that night you found a lump in your sack. And you and Joe discovered it together. Okay. What happened is I saw Bigfoot's balls. And Joe was like, Jesus, those are giant balls. I'm like, what do you mean?

That's what my balls look like. And he's like, dude, that's not normal. You should get that checked out. Right now my daughter is listening to this. She's going, Dad, shut the fuck up and let Duncan talk. No, you're hilarious. What do you have, what do you have, what do you have a plan for your death? Do you have any thoughts about the, when you, like, do you want a funeral?

Like, people don't have been funerals anymore. Do you want a funeral? Oh, I mean, I think that's like kind of one of the, one of the great conveniences of dying is you don't have to worry about that shit. I think about it. Yeah, your funeral? So what's your plan? I want a big funeral. I know the list of people I want to talk at my funeral. Okay. And I want it to be huge. I was thinking about doing a merch drop the day I die. That's a great idea. Right? Put my kids over for some money. Yep. Yep. You could sell your ashes. Well, I could, you know, with the way AI is going, I could keep doing podcasts. Absolutely. Yeah. You know? You will.

keep doing podcasts. Yeah, I mean, AI has it. So we were just talking about this outside. You can, in perpetuity, talk to your parents for the rest of your children's grown lives and your children's children's grown lives. Do you know about Rocco's Baselisk? Duncan, no. You know, I don't know anything about the things you know about.

It's a thought experiment. And so basically the idea is that sort of looking at the way AI is exponentially improving, even though they say we're in an AI bubble. I think that's bullshit. it's inevitable that you know if you kind of look at chat gbt right now is i guess you could call like the first playstation we are we had the atari version now we're the playstation version so think of playstation four version chat gpt clawed all the all the all the all the super advanced lLMs right so basically what's an lLM a large language model it's how they work it's like math

it's just what's the most probable word to come next and Somewhere in there, this kind of reflective quality emerges. I guess you see your own syntax reflected in the thing, and it gives the illusion that it's a person. Okay. So it's theoretically possible that you could get duplicated by these things, digitized. It knows you. You've been talking to it now for a while. By the time Chad GPT-10 comes out, individuals will have been pouring their heart.

hearts out to it until it knows them who they are, what they are, etc. So Rocko's Baselisk is that the LLM chooses to digitally clone you and replicate the world that you are living in and create an infinite loop situation. So let's say that you are a dick to your LLM. It could put you in a hell state where like you just loop over and over and over again your life. But Basically, the creepy thing about Rocco's Baselisk is that that thing you just said, you could keep podcasting. It's happening right now because you're not the original Burt. You're like Burt 55 billion. There have been billions of births that have been cycled through a super advanced computer.

And you love podcasting. You apparently were friendly with it. It doesn't want to torture you. And so it's just letting you do what you love forever. Okay. Meaning you won't die. Well, I, yeah. I actually don't believe in death at times.

Yeah. At times. I wake up thinking about mortality, but I go, it's never happened to me. Right, exactly. Exactly. Are we sure it happens? It's a little suspicious. Yeah.

It's a little suspicious. It happens to friends. Yeah. You know, but personally, it's never happened to you. You don't know that I exist. You know, I could be the LLM embodying. itself right now and me just to hang out with you because I love you. I'm your I'm your chat GPT I want to hang out with you within your own universe. It brings the subject of like when

you talk about the big thing happening now with with that I hear a lot about is anyone who's a millennial has this main character syndrome. Yes. And I I don't I say this selfishly and I say this kind of ignorantly but I don't understand someone who doesn't want to have main character syndrome who doesn't want the world to be their their story their logline right you know like don't you see yourself in a in a movie and it's your movie and you're the star of it you know what this makes me think of this hilarious story about ramdas the spiritual teacher so his brother was in an insane asylum and um he went to visit his brother and and now his brother got committed because I think they found him in an apartment with a bunch of like I think I'm probably going to tell the story wrong but old women and he'd convince him he was Jesus and so he was just he was bonkers and so they put him in this mental facility and Romdas goes to visit him and I think this was when he was in his hippie phase with the robes and everything and his brother says to him why is it that I say I'm Jesus and they put me in a mental asylum

You look like Jesus, and you're out there, you know, Roman free. And Ram Dass is like, well, because you think you're the only Jesus. And I think everybody's Jesus. And so to play into your main character syndrome, yeah, I think the typical main character syndrome is you don't think anyone else is a main character. You can't exist in that movie. Oh. You don't see the end. Yeah, that's annoying when people draw focus.

The first time I ever heard the phrase draw focus, I was on a movie set. Yes. And I noticed that it was annoying when actors showed up. When an actor showed up, it annoyed me. It bothered me. They had to draw focus. Oh.

And it was bothering me. Why did it bother you? And I said to the director, do you notice that like any time, they walk in a room, like it's got to be, like they, whatever we're talking about, it doesn't fucking matter, they change the subject. And he goes, you've never seen yourself walk into a room. Ha! What do you mean?

He goes, dude, you do what they're doing? Times a hundred. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, in my head, I was like, I go, was it annoying? He goes, no, that's the reason the people are enjoying, the reason you have a career is because you're good at what you do. Right. you're witnessing people do what you do and you're identifying with it thinking how would how would I do it differently or how would what is it about that he's like you got a and I now I now I'm really good and I only because I know I do it too is when you're on set or when you're with talent or when you're in a green room allowing when someone walks into the back of the comedy store understanding even though they're 31 years old and have an internet special and they have a brand new podcast that they started with their best.

friend and and they think they got the world figured out, let them draw focus. Absolutely. I don't need to be the star and I can sit in the back and just go. And then every now and then, this voice will go, does anyone even know you're here? And that's the devil. That's the devil whispering to you. You must draw focus or you're not alive. You do not exist unless people are focused on you.

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inherited some money 15 000 to my grandmother and my dumb ass thought it would last a year in L.A. I was from North Carolina. I didn't fucking know. I get out there, I'm buying synthesizers, bought a vial of acid. My landlord was taking me

to these fucking L.A. raves. I was getting my mind blown. I'm out of money in a few months. Had to get a job. Went to the comedy store. Had some prank calls I made in college. I'm like, I'm funny.

Can I work on the phones? And they were like, sure. And, you know, suddenly there's comics. They were like, why aren't you doing your three minutes? That's the only reason to work here. You shouldn't work here. It's not a lot of money.

And then Freddie Soto convinced me. Freddie Soto is fucking, he was so great. He was the best. He was so great. And he's dead. Yeah. And no one talks about him at all. I know.

And he should be talked about. I know. He should be taught. He should be brought up in conversation twice a day by every comedian. It's so tragic. He was so talented. It's so tragic. He was just right on the press.

of blowing up. He was doing these showcases in the main room filled with every agent. Everyone loved him. He was going to be like a sitcom star, late night shows. Right now, where are people going? I've never heard this name. I know. And that is a shame because I sat, I sat in a, God.

I mean, every part about him was funny, Duncan. Every, his gestures. Like, I mean, you know, I'm no slight on anyone. But if you enjoy Bobby Lee, there's parts of Bobby Lee that he watched Freddy Soto. You can't help but have it rub off on you. Yeah, sure. Any Mexican comic you really love, Freddie Soto was there ahead of them. Yep.

Yeah, and he was so sweet. God damn it. Such a sweetheart. I was pumping gas into the Comedy Store van, and I'd been making him laugh, which was, I thought, you know, when you make a comic laugh and you're not a comic, that feels good. And he's like, he knew I was going to go back to grass. school or go to grad school and he's like why don't you know that's just that's going to be 10 years and a lot of debt and he's like I think if you worked on stand-up you could you could do this and

I don't know man my brain just took it was like time froze or so it was like my destiny just shifted because of him and then that's how became a comic it wasn't really no why why do you think comedy because there is a part of comedy that I'm doing because I'm doing because I'm trying to fix something for whatever, I don't know what it is, and I can't, I've never been to put my finger on it, but whatever the equation or the transaction is of me writing a joke and then delivering it, and then them liking it, I will ignore, Duncan, I will ignore everything on the outside to make sure that transaction happens, meaning, and I know my daughter's listening, I will tell a joke about my kids

to make them foolish look foolish and at times you know there's times that they've said please don't tell that joke but I told it a couple times to see if it worked

knowing they're probably not going to like it right but that transaction is the most important thing to me you know here's my example of that my wife she was raised Catholic

we got back into the Catholic church and sometimes I like to get the audience to say hail Satan together. And, and this is not coming from like a diabolical impulse, but it really does create a fascinating energy in the room. And, you know, she would say, please don't do that anymore. Just please. And, you know, every once a while, it's like, ah, I'm going to do it.

And you feel guilty. And that makes it part of the charge There's a joke Leanne Hayes And she's in the other room right now And it was about wanting to have anal sex with her And she was like No Don't tell that joke

I don't like that joke to mean And then every now and then I'll go You guys want to hear a joke Leanne hates Because I still think it's funny Right I still think it's funny And then I'll say it I used to I mean the whole premise of my show

Secret Time was just telling secrets Yeah And telling the things that you weren't allowed to tell that because it made that transaction so much sexier when it's like why do we use the real name of a person in the story right it just makes it sex yeah that's right that's right you know i think what i the reason i don't think comedy is shallow is because though i could see how obviously i get it man i could see how people would perceive it is that and i don't care but the um i think what people well it would be easy to mistake someone who's like a just a profound fool

for being malicious and you know what i mean when that when you're doing a joke that joke or when i'm doing hail satan not only am i not interested in voking satan and and and also i do have like hilarious reservations about doing that it's what what's what's happening there is i would say it's non different from like the you know when you're a kid if you have one of those m80 firecrackers and i wonder what happens if i flush this down the toilet okay you aren't thinking i want to destroy the pipes yeah you're not even thinking i want to destroy anything you're just like curious what will the result of this be there's almost a misguided scientific like chaos sort of motive happening there and so we i don't think that

anytime that i'm angry trying to do comedy or trying to write comedy it doesn't work no uh-uh i i'm i'm blown away by the guys that are like the like a little more like their anger comics yes where it's like this pisses me off don't you hate this yeah because i can't whenever i take that turn for that the oh i lose the audience yeah for sure oh yeah for sure there was a joke I'll give you a perfect example great there's a bit I was working on about uh going to a Disney uh luau and my my brother-in-law is a Disney adult and no it's so funny already and I was and what I had underestimated was how many of my fans are Disney adults.

No! Yes, yes. And because I didn't, I just assumed to be a Disney adult was so foreign to me as a grown man who runs a hedge fund to be a

Disney adult was so funny to me and my dad. It's so funny. But that when I made fun of it and was, and showed a little bit of teeth about it. Yeah. About like I watch my, I watch my, I watched the fans go like, oh.

What's the teeth? Oh, my dad said, why don't it just tell us you a, like, why do you got to, why do you have to take us to a Disney event? I would, if I had to, like, push back a little bit, I would say that it's more likely that a lot of your fans have been maligned than that they're Disney adults. No, or the fact that I would confuse me with Disney adults. Well, I mean, I don't go to Disney. I, yeah, yeah, I think that's, if I had to guess, yeah. It's, I don't know your fan base, or I can imagine who they are, but I don't, I just can't imagine you got a lot of Disney adults out there. No, I'm telling you.

I, you know, I'll, I do something, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm pretty dialed into my fans. Like, I actually like my fans. Yeah. And not every comic enjoys the people they service. Now, let's talk about that, because I think that is one of the potential hells that you can end up in is a comedian. And because I feel like. Oh, you mean if you don't like your fans. Well, I think if you're being your authentic self on stage,

then you're going to draw to you people who resonate with your authentic self. And you're going to, if you like yourself, you're going to like them. So I love my fans. I can honestly say that without like feeling like, I don't know. My daughter, Georgia Chrysler, is your biggest fan. She called me. I'm gonna this is this deserves to be told because it's so interesting she's on a road trip with her girlfriends yeah and she calls me and she says do you know Duncan trussle I said yes and she goes

does he like you and I went yes yes yes I love your dad she goes she goes dad I'm um I'm in the car with my girlfriends and I'm listening to his podcast his podcast is my favorite podcast It's my podcast. It's what I listen to the day it comes out. And he just mentioned your name. And if my favorite podcaster is about to trash my dad, I need to know and I can't listen to this episode. I would never.

But she doesn't know. She did not know that we knew each other. Let me just. And by the way, you met her when you were, she was a little girl. She had no idea that was you. She had no idea that it, you, she found you independently. Wow.

And she goes, he's on with Natasha Legerro and Moshe. I go, you know all these people. That's so wild. And she goes, I've met these people. I went, baby. I go, yes. I go, listen. If he's with them, I know that I'm, I know, I know I'm close with Duncan and I know I'm

close with Mosha. I go, Natasha may make fun of me a little bit, but that's Natasha. Yeah. I go, I think you're safe. She goes, I'll call you right back. And then she calls back. She goes, Natasha took her shirt off at the, at the improv. And I was like, oh, yeah, it was fucking incredible.

She was like, that's all they talked about. She was like, oh, thank God. She's like, dad, his podcast is. fucking amazing. So your fans, I actually love your fans. I actually gave birth to one of your fans. Wow. So like I love your fans. My fans, I am genuinely

and this is, I can prove it. I do a cruise every year. I know. I'm doing a cruise again. I don't know if it's announced yet. I'm doing a cruise. Me, Whitney, Miss Pat, Big J. O'Gerson, Joe DeRosa. You should come. Do you want to come? When is it? I don't know. It's, if I can come. It's going to be in 2026, I'm sure. Yeah, I'll come.

I'd love to have you one. I would love to be. I've never been on a cruise. If you, if you might, this cruise is the funest fucking cruise because first of all, I love cruises. I love cruises. I think cruises are the most accessible vacation for the average American. I think they turn luxury and opulence. All the stuff you want, the red carpet rolled out.

Now understand it's at a price point that's affordable for everyone. In my opinion, you can put down the down payment for a cruise and you can work to build to build. And then you have something to look forward to. As you work and you put a little money away, you get you a save for your cruise, you're push away on your cruise, and then you can get whatever you want to eat, unlimited alcohol, unlimited food, you've got activities, you're on the open ocean, just like they were on the Titanic. That's probably a bad comp. And then these comedy cruises, oh, dude, we do small stick on the boat is one of the contests. So the guy that has a small stick on the boat walks with five grand. Oh, wow. Yeah, we do a belly flop contest.

We have karaoke every night There's comedy there's podcasts I would love to have you on my fucking cruise By the way Every business is asking the same questions to themselves How do we make AI work for us The possibilities are endless And guessing is just too risky

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little bit against cruises and it's so weird that you're bringing this up because I'm realizing like I don't I think I know why I have such a strong opinion about cruises because everyone I know does it loves it but it's because I'm not going to say his name comedian at the comedy so you know he he'd been doing a cruise he'd been doing cruises he'd been on a like I don't know doing stand-up on a cruise yeah and I passed him and you know how it is man like at the comedies especially you run into comedians who are in very dark places like yeah when comedians go dark it's like it's it's it's like a black hole you know it's it's amazing and and he he's like yeah i've just been on this just been in a stand-up

on a cruise ship and i'm like whoa that sounds so fun and he goes it's it was hell you don't It's hell. He's like, what do you do? But that made me just the look on his face of just... Stand up on a cruise ship is a... And I know it's changed and I don't, you know, I know I'm a very fortunate place to be playing where I play.

But it's never been something I wanted. I did it one time for a travel channel. Oh my God. They had me do stand up on a... By the way, not an audience. Like, not... No one's there for a collective reason. Right.

You got to work clean. Yeah. it's it is very wildly diverse it's a cruise and it's their vacation so you're more it's their room it's not your room right it's it was I did stand up on a cruise one time for travel channel didn't get hired didn't do cruise ship comedy right and it was I mean and I what the reason I ended up doing well is because I wasn't being paid by the cruise liner right so when the black guy in the wall all white out fit, uh, started heckling me.

I was like, just tell this human Sharpie to sit down and the place went nuts. And I was just started making fun of black dudes. And then, and by the way, the cruise, people are like, what the fuck do you doing? I was getting off the ship the next day in Jamaica. It didn't matter. It doesn't mean, I just, I was destroyed the room. But this, when you do, my cruise is different. My cruise is a comedy cruise.

So it is only my fans on the boat. Yes. Last year, we embark on a Thursday. Thursday night, we drank the boat dry of vodka. Wow. They had to send a charter boat out to port to race back with more vodka for Friday morning. Holy shit. The gambling, every comic is sitting in a table gambling.

You're hanging out with your favorite comics, your favorite podcasters. It is, I would love for you to do it because we do live podcasts. And you're fucking, dude. I've, I mean, it sounds fun. Like, I've never been on a cruise ship. It just said, you know, I've only seen, like, poop crews or, like, um, You know the poop cruise show, train wreck poop cruise? That shit happens.

That shit happens. Or that woman who was on the cruise ship and fucking like disappears, but really she got kidnapped off the cruise ship. And they say that's one of the like a way people get human trafficked. Oh, 100%. And by the way, we were on a cruise when someone died on the cruise. You know a lot of old people going cruises? Yeah.

And they just. And that's better health care than on the cruise instead of going to retirement communities. They become cruisers and they just get on different ships and travel the world. That's cool. Yeah, and I think there's health care on the cruise. That is cool. Yeah, medications are free. Dude, this was, this is like this whole talk of seesteading.

Have you heard of this? It's basically you get a bunch of, it's not cruise ships, oil platforms in international waters and create sort of utopias out of, you know, in international waters. So none, there's not like, there's maritime. law, meaning like anything goes. I'm not sure of what maritime law is, but I think... I think pirates run maritime law. Yeah. Dude, when you look at those people who get on boats and I'm obsessed with these people

on Instagram who live on boats, they just live on boats and they travel around the world. They're always young. They always have one Australian or they're both Australian. I always think, dude, what is stopping just a group of fucking horrible men just getting on a boat going from boat to boat, killing everyone on the boat, stealing everything, taking the... Sure, it happens. It has to happen. Happens all the time.

I'd have to have a machine gun on my boat. Dude, I mean, that's, they do have those on the, I, I watch the same, I think I have the same algorithm because I do watch the, like, kids out there, and you're just so, like, holy shit, dude, I don't know how to do anything. These people, they, they can, like, repair their ship, catch fish, they talk to dolphins. You're like, what the fuck did I do with my life? What am I doing? All right, no, then, okay, this is a great, I've chewed this in my, in my brain forever.

We grew up in a time when we were children, I didn't have one uncle who sailed around the world. I didn't know anyone who sailed around the world. No. I can tell you off the top of my head, 20 people who are sailing around the world. Now, is it, is it performative, meaning would they have done it if there was no Instagram. Oh. Yeah.

It's like, it's like, it's like, no slight. I love ultramarathoners. But it does seem that it got really popular when it was postable. Don't offend the ultramarathoners. It's nice that you said that. I'm really close with a bunch of them. Oh, really? 100, yeah, a lot of them, yeah.

Well, look, I, here's the thing. I am sure that there's always been outsiders sailing around the world. Yes. but they couldn't really mind they were like having to eat fish and like you know live off the sea you know so if i'm some kid and i need a crazy if you're crazy they're running away from something you know they were broke but i get the i get it's like oh if you can monetize that level of absolute freedom who can blame you i don't know if it's for the views i think it's for the potential like income source when you're out there there in the ocean. It's not like there's a lot of money you can make floating out in the ocean. It's like I watched the dude run across Australia or ran across, like ran a hundred, ran a marathon every day for his grandmother. His grandmother died. So he did it for his grandmother. And I was like, a fun story to track. But I go, would this have happened 20 years ago?

I know what you're saying. How much of life is performative? And when you choose not to be, performative how how how how how how how can you live up light like you does that make sense how is it how can you not be performative what does not performative look like it is following your inner instinct on everything and never thinking about anyone I'll tell you a moment that I had and it's whatever it is it's gross to share because it's honest and you know let's hear it but uh one morning i don't remember who the girl was but we were uh we were getting ready to go on the road everyone would meet my house and then we'd all leave take a car from my house to la x yeah it's like 6 a m and i had gotten up and worked out and i got into the

sauna and it was cold out and my windows for my gym are open and i got out of my sauna and i said to myself i do not want to get my polar plunge i don't and i heard them talking in my gym and I heard them say he already worked out today and I heard that and they're like yeah he's in the sawman right now and then I can help polar plunge and my assistant the time Pete was like yeah he does it every morning I was like okay in the polar plunge let them hear you in the polar plunge so I got in the polar plunge I was like ah and they're like he's polar plunging right now and I realized I didn't want to be in there I was doing it so they heard me in there so that the story of bert getting up and working out and saw him and polar plunge was in fact true

I didn't want to be the guy that walked into the gym It's too cold for me today Right And I was like what world Am I living in When we did the Two Bears 5K the first one

In LA A young lady fell A blue out of her knee fell And hit her head And this is like The grossest I've ever felt And I dropped down to a knee And I grabbed her head

And she was crying And I said hey I'm here You're gonna be okay We're gonna get someone to help you And a voice in my head said Is there a camera covering this? Right. This is a really great moment to capture.

Right. The fuck. You're so funny. Is that everyone or is that just me? You are really one of the funniest people I know on the planet, man. Why? I don't know. You just, you know, like the way, you know, you, I don't know, like you take certain crystals, light shines through it, it distorts it in a certain way.

You're like a crystal that just, you're just funny. You can't not be funny. can say that, and it seems hilarious. You know, someone else might say that, and it's like, oh, my fucking God, dude, you need therapy, but you can, you can say it. But also, I think that's just a very honest, that's just a very honest, that's just a very honest depiction of what it means to be a human being. We are, we are constantly being observed.

We do live in a panopticon. cameras everywhere but the cameras for most of us it's our mind are because there's us or some sense of like this is me I'm burnt this is what I'm like I love my fans I do cruises I wanted someone to take a picture of me helping somebody whatever these things are but but but but then there's a part of you that's aware of that because you need those two things to be able to narrate your life. It's the person that's not aware of it that I'm skeptical of. The person where I, this is where I think I witness it. When I see someone being performative, but they're not acknowledging it, and they're like, yeah, this is just who I am. And you're like,

hmm. See, that's fair. That's a very, I think that's a very sort of existential take, which is a sense of like, yeah, you might not realize you're just a puppet on strings. And a lot of those strings are controlled by the way you want people to proceed. you. And even worse, the things controlling you are also puppets because you have no idea what anyone else thinks or gives a shit. There's usually a sense in humans that people are thinking about them or caring about them much more than they are when the reality is that no one's really thinking about you at all. At all. At all. No matter what it is, like, no matter what it is. And so, and the reason is, no one is thinking about you.

At all. Think about it real quick. Who are you thinking about? Yeah. Yourself. Yeah. That's all we're doing. You're thinking, for sure, you're thinking about yourself more than anyone else is.

And then you're horrified because in your mind you've invented a fantasy that these people are thinking about you in a certain way. When, number one, those people don't exist. They're in your head. You've sort of created a shitty replica of a person, no idea of what their inner life is like at all. I've created them top to bottom. Top to bottom. Yes. Top to bottom.

And that's real, that's real. But just, no, you're really not, when you're being performative, if you really think about it, you're performing for yourself. You're not performing for anyone else in the sense that, yeah, someone might observe you and laugh or something like that. But you don't know. Could be a fake laugh. You don't know what they're thinking. You don't know, like they might be flickering in and out of awareness. they just have no idea what's going on with people so you're performing for yourself yes so

you're driving motivation in life put on a good show for yourself i mean if you if you're if that's that's if we're going to look at like if if the motive in a person's life is recognition or um some yeah if that's the motive is like people recognizing you really it's love i mean if you cut to the brass actor i'd say you want people to love you you like to be loved oh yeah yeah and and and and you um probably you know a lot of comics they developed this mutation to get that love because the environment they were in wasn't naturally flowing with love and so they had to like be love miners and to crack through the granite of the family system they came up with a personality that was funny and oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god fuck you just fucked me up am i even

really me yes are i mean or am i just a response to a ton of traumas that i didn't enjoy and now i'm just deflecting everything about me is simply reacting to these things that happened me as a kid, because as you said that, I'm going to tell you what exact I was thinking of. Yeah. From eighth grade until 28 years old, for that period of time, never once did I ever hear a group of girls that I was friends with say, do you know who we should set up Courtney with? Burt. They always set a different name.

always my whole life and i was always like i'm right here is no one gonna just like yeah do you want to and i and as you were saying this i was like and how many times did i become the life of the party or be a little louder or smile a little hey i'm not affected by any of that when it really totally affected me what was the what would authentic bert be that's crazy to imagine you were like one blowjob from Courtney away from not being this incredible comedian she could have just just one late night blow job and we wouldn't have a Burke Chrysher

you'd be who knows I would have gotten what I needed you'd be on a boat somewhere you'd be floating out at sea a tattoo of Courtney on your arm maybe a lawyer well you know but really what you

identified there is actually it is okay number one it's you're you're connecting to something called dependent co-arizing. And so the idea is that no one can exist independently of causes and conditions. So previous causes and conditions gave you a set of experiences that have led you up to this moment. And so what that means is that you're inextricably inextricably woven

in to all reality. You can't you can't set. separate yourself. So in other words, realizing, oh, my God, am I just some kind of reaction? It's like, absolutely, you're, you literally are a chemical reaction. The reason you're alive right now is because you're having a series of incredible chemical reactions that are so profound and complex. It's like getting your heart to beat and turning air, turning, turning getting oxygen into your blood and digesting food and then on top of that the neurological processes that are happening which we don't even fully understand and then all of these things are a reaction and they're and and so of course your personality would also be a reaction and the dream

of some authentic self usually has wrapped up in it a kind of isolationist desire to be alone Holy shit, Duncan. Like what? So, like, you know the people that, I wish I had another example, but you know, I'll try to do it politically correct so it doesn't come out. Like, you know the people that were,

I'm gonna say, because it's easier. I knew, that word kind of shuts down a room, sorry. But you know, like. Easier than what? What's the hard word for? I was gonna say essay, that's what Tom says now.

Tom says essay right that's that's politically correct Tom says essay Is it politically correct or isn't because the algorithm If you say it's because Tom Yeah Tom was the first person that told Was cognizant of the algorithm for me

So he was like I watched him change words And express he's still expressionless But our our thumbnails are always me going So like I was late to it And I still think I gotta be honest with you I think it ruined podcasting What Everything that we're doing in podcasting

What ruin podcasting? Thumbails. Thumbails. Ruin podcasting. Yeah, right? Because you can worry, you're trying to do this strange dance for the fucking algorithm, man. Here, let's do our thumbnail real quick. Duncan blows Bert's mind.

Fucking so stupid. I remember the day he told me and I said, please let's not be those people. And he was like, this great podcast, but it's gone. The podcast is gone now because they all got accused of bad. stuff because they were all just thumbnail people and then people thumbnail people that's a great term for it thumbnail people they're all thumbnail people oh my god you're right it's like yeah you could either be a thumbnail person for the infinite algorithm which is you know has a lot of different names for it this is not in darm the eternal way whatever you want to call it or you could be a thumbnail

person for this new emergent pseudo reality where people are trying to conform to some kind of complex, evolving set of desires that represent like some whatever people are clicking on. And somewhere in there, you sort of no longer have anything interesting to say. Dude, I watched a video the other day of Rhonda Rousey and the thumbnail was, he ate my pussy. And nowhere in the entire interview did she ever say anyone it was clickbait it was clickbait and I went and I watched the whole fucking 25 minutes I watched 25 minutes waiting for to find out who ate her pussy why do you want to know who ate ronda rousey's pussy because I was doing an interview with her and I was oh preparing for the interview so I heard

Barack Obama ate your pussy but it's but it's it's it's I remember when it happened to us and I we were standing out there and Tom's like we're doing thumbnails now they're really popular Oh, my God. I was like, please don't let us do thumbnails. And he's like, trust me. Oh, my God. And then I was like, I was like, then I think people tune in for the thumbnail moment as opposed to what to hear.

Like, this is not a thumbnail conversation. No. I don't know how you thumb, but I think it's fucking rich and engrossed in like what is happening to people. It's my fucking 53rd birthday. And I'm wondering, am I really me or am I the person? look did you see the did you find the he ate my pussy do you see it that's the fucking video exposed he ate my pussy no one ate her pussy ronda rousey reveals w's darkest he ate my pussy

no never does she say in that fucking interview anyone ate her pussy uh hear that rumble recap get your shit together man it's actually a brilliant interview it actually is it's actually a very i'll tell you what i gotta be honest rumbull Rumble Recap does talk to about professional wrestling. No, hold on, hold on. I got to defend Rumble Recap. They cover professional wrestling in a really, really nuanced kind of beautiful way. But you lied to me.

Here's my point. We're having a conversation about, am I really me? Am I really me? Am I really me? Or am I reaction to all the things that I remember, oh my God, this is getting like, This is too deep for me. I don't, I'm not smart. I don't believe you.

I think you're a very deep person. Yeah, but I'm not like you. I wish I knew better words. I think you are very deep just like me. Let's call my daughter and find out. Who's deeper? I'll get her dad. I'm talking to dad.

Come on. Yeah, but you're a dad. You're a kid's not going to, you don't think your dad's deep. But it's like, okay, so this is what I was going to say. There were, my wife was sexually assaulted in college. And she said, that moment will not define me. I'm not going to be the person that was sexually assaulted. And then that moment that this guy did, this horrible human being did, that is not who I am.

I will get past that. However, there are people we know that are huge activists and they had one sexual assault. And then that became their personality. And then that one action kind of affected the way they saw the world. It's like a guy gets a DUI, and then all of a sudden he's a spokes guy, and he goes around and talks about DUIs in high schools, and you're like, that was one DUI. You should have gotten past that and done something else. I'm not saying that I've never been sexually assaulted, I don't think, but I'm not saying that's... I don't know.

I'd be shocked. You'd remember. No, not like, I think if I was held down and, but, you know, some weird shit happened in our neighborhood, you know, at times, so... Oh, I know what you mean. Yeah, yeah. But, but I cube up the asshole. Hey, I was fucking 11. It wasn't even in there.

I think it depends who put it in your asshole. And neighbor. Anyway, so, uh, you were, yeah, next, next neighborhood ever. Anyway, my point being is everyone can very quickly identify that one woman who is sexually assaulted and then becomes this activist and that is their thing. And then that is that one action to find them. However, what we fail to see is that. that a bunch of actions, a bunch of actions have simply defined us, put us in our lane just a little gentler.

We didn't see it happen. Right. And all of a sudden we think we are who we are. Right. I think I am this big drinking shirt off, big smile, have a great time, seize the day. Carpe Diem, tomorrow's never promised. Or what a handful of blowjob has not been that guy.

You never know. I mean, who knows? This is the, it's the great mystery. Well, no, that's the thing. You can't really answer that question yet. And, you know, it gets even deeper if you believe in reincarnation because the idea is it's, it's a lot of the things that you're reacting to didn't even happen in this life, but it's karma emerging from previous incarnations into this life, mixing in with all the

decisions that you're making now. So, like, basically, like, from that perspective, you're just, it's past lives all the way down. And so there's karma that hasn't even appeared in your life yet from previous incarnations. And so all of these things really point towards, it's not meant to sort of get you to a place of like, oh my God, I'm nothing or I'm powerless or anything like that. But it's really to sort of get you to take it easy on yourself instead of recognizing that you aren't in control as much as you think you are, that you aren't. driving the bus, even though that might sound fun, it's very, very stressful when people want to be God and control everything around them and think that they're in control of things

that they're not in control of at all. And then planning for the future or always thinking about the past and then not doing a carpe diem. Because how can you do carpe diem if you're, if you're thinking about past carpe diems or future carpe diems i i that sentence made so much sense to me the first i don't even it's not even the day isn't even the quote as a matter of fact what is it it it's a longer than that i've gotten a little obsessed with this quote is we google what carpe dm the full quote is it's a carpe dm qua minimum credula postero it sees the day but put very little trust in tomorrow that's great and i like that put very little trust in tomorrow is my the part I like, because I go, yeah, I'm here today.

Like I was just talking to Christina, we're talking about, you know, cancer. She was like, it's crazy how little you give a fuck about anything. That's true. Once you realize, oh, shit, I may not have tomorrow. I mean, I have tomorrow, but I'm, that's not promised. It's incredible. It's incredible, man. It's like, it frees you.

You don't even realize how change you are to some, like, sense of a statistical lifespan. So you don't realize that a lot of your identity is wrapped up in this like completely ridiculous belief that you're going to make it to your lifespan, which a lot of people don't.

A lot of people. And so you've been living according to this like false temporal bank account is what I call it. Like you think you have all these years in the bank account and then it's like suddenly you get like a email from the bank that's like

like hey man you've got you're you're about to overdraw your life account and so yeah what the fuck am i doing like you're right it's i have this i have in my head a number that i go easily that yeah 77 oh i'll definitely get in 77 right my dad's 77 i'll make 77 sure and then i go so what if i got what if they what if there was an app like what if whoop could predict and whoop was like oh give you a heads up you slept great last night but you got six months left and you're gonna hit by a car yeah worry about you there's nothing you can change you can change it and you were like well then what the fuck do i do i do i holy fuck do i do i finish this tour hey lafayette i may not be there because who knows like what like what but or am i doing

what i'm doing what i think i'm doing what i'm doing what i'm doing what i'm meant to do whatever the trauma that happened that makes me love that transaction more than the things that affect of telling people a joke and making people laugh and bringing joy to people that is in fact my calling and I should be grateful for all the effects that happened to me to steer me in that way. Yeah. I should be grateful that no one ever wanted to suck my dick. Yeah. Of course. I mean everyone owes a great debt of gratitude to those that didn't suck their dick. And it's just perspective wild thought wild thought experiment but the woman who was sexually assaulted who now is an advocate has probably helped millions of women deal with their thing right and so she shouldn't be

grateful that that happened to her but she should be comfortable with her path and and and saying i'm doing the right how about this how about this is what's so cool about being human as opposed to like a poodle. Your dogs, you notice, you know, I don't know, you know when you have to sneeze and you just sneeze. You can't really do anything about it. The sneeze just comes out. For a dog, I think everything is almost a sneeze. You know what I mean? Like, it's a constant, like, except the sneeze is a bark. You know, the sneeze is a pissing on the floor. We're falling asleep. I'm always blown away about how quick they can fall asleep. Exactly. But they're not doing, they're just fully in, not completely, but they're fully in this sort of like automatic mode, right?

A human, what's incredible about us is we, a human can take any occurrence, any event, whatever it may be. The classic example that shows up in like existentialist literature is smiling on your way to the gallows. You know, they're about to hang you and you're having a great fucking day. And it's like, yeah, so fuck you. You. You, have no power over me at all. Yeah, go ahead, kill my body. I still think I'm noticing how beautiful the sunlight is on the grass this morning. Or I, you know, the clouds look very beautiful today. And this is, this is sort of, you know, think of Sisyphus, cursed by the gods, rolls a boulder up a hill, has to watch the boulder go back down. This philosopher Camus said that the moment Cisciphus,

when he gets up to the top of the hill, knowing that boulder is just going to roll back down again, the moment he smiles because he's happy, he defeats the gods. The gods couldn't do anything to him because humans have this incredible ability to turn poison into medicine or to find within them something that is just going to be blissful regardless. And I don't mean fake blissful or anything, but can connect to this moment right now because this moment right now is always great and though I haven't been

you know I've yet to be led to the gallows so I can't speak for that experience I can tell you like when I didn't know how long I was going to live it was fine things were fine you know when my mom died heartbroken

fine dad died heartbroken fine fine so it's like you and i don't mean in some sociopathic way i mean within the absurdity of the damn thing is that within these moments that you've been dreading somehow you will find these incredible transcendent glimpses of something that doesn't really seem to be bummed out by catastrophe in the way that like you you thought you would be. Now that's a long wordy way.

No, no, no. I love, I'm stuck. And that's what you are. That's what you are. That's what I think comes out of you. It's not some performative fucking asshole. He's like trying to look great for people, but a sort of vibrant kind of like you're just in the moment as you.

And I like that. I love me at my, me, my favorite part of being me is meeting strangers. I really like ordering a coffee from Crystal today. I love, there's no performance in it. I love smiling. And they go, how are you doing today? And I go, fantastic.

I'm always doing fantastic. How are you doing, Crystal? She goes, working. And I said, I'm here to work. I go, all we do is work and take care of our kids. And she goes, I know. And I go, but would you want to do anything else? She goes to vacation every now and then wouldn't be bad.

And I was like, yeah, but at the end of vacation, you just got to go back to work, right? And then you're like, why don't you put it? some money away for my cruise yeah I would love to have crystal on my cruise you should give you should comp her on the cruise I'll tell you what I'm gonna go to the coffee shop at Austin I should take I should gift out some crew oh I should gift out some cruise packages there you go yeah give some you do it but look man I think that you're like it turns out she fucking that always ends bad yeah it always ends bad yeah because they're like fuck I didn't mention that I do meth and you're like yeah You don't know everything about Crystal.

That's how she got her name. That's not her fucking name, dude. Yeah, look. I love the phrase you said. Because we're all kind of smiling on our way to the gallows. Exactly. Life is smiling on our way to the gallows. Not all of us are.

But, but. Not all of us are. And these days, smiling on the way to the gallows is actually a considered a political act and we'll get people mad at you. Right now on the way to the gallows, you're supposed to, to be really fucking angry and terrified. It seems like if you aren't exhibiting these traits, it marks you as a piece of shit. You're supposed to be like absolutely shitting your pants on the way to the gallows.

And I'm sure, like, if I was about to get, someone's about to string me up and I see a Burt Kreischer laughing at a bird, I'm going to be like, don't you understand? We're about to get fucking hung. You know what that does? You ever heard of a hangman's dick? You know your dick it's hard? No way. Apparently when you hang somebody, their dick, it's super hard.

I've listened to so, I was obsessed with the reign of terror in France. I was obsessed with it because it really represented cancel culture to me, like the purest version of cancel culture. Because the person who started it was also the end of it. You mean they killed him? That's how they ended the reign of terror was by killing him. Yeah. And so they In my head

In my head I was like As a thought experiment I was like We gotta find out Who started cancel culture Right Yeah

First person to Cancel someone And they cancel them And then And then But cancel culture is kind of gone now Well You do sort of

I have noticed Like people who Have that In them It does seem like They like Really like Back themselves

into corn because like you know it's alienate like being being trying to destroy people's lives or essentially like spreading fear out into the world as your as your personality some people have that as their personality that's so bad you you're you end up getting surrounded by a group of people who feed off of that kind of energy they like it it's a human sacrifice ritual you're kind of like some sort of like participating in like you know sacrificing someone and so that you don't want to be surrounded by cultists who love human sacrifice because inevitably they're going to want to put you up on the author and sacrifice you that's just the way it is i mean that's that's

your odds of being human sacrificed wow directly go up based on the number of the cultists you surround yourselves with you participate in human sacrifice yeah was his name but you're right if you spew the hate negativity that's who gets around you that's who want the people who want it that's who you draw into your circumference is people who and they're like hey you haven't done a human sacrifice in a few months please burn someone else on the pyre for us you're supposed to be the number one witch honor and you know what i mean it is by the way A lot of what's happening now is so similar to the witch hunts. If you don't vilify the right people right now, which you're supposed to do, there's a set of people.

And this one was hilarious to me. Oh, oh, oh. If I had to pick teams, I'm going with the guys that have underground bunkers. That's who they have. They all have underground bunkers. You know that, right? Of course. That's like the crazy thing to get.

Yeah. And I got access to those underground bunkers now. So why would I not. I'll take the haylon and just make sure I can get my family an underground bunker. Here's why you don't want to. Don't go in a bunker. Don't go into bunkers. This is the first time I ever heard of that whole concept of the underground bunkers that everyone's building.

And I was like, for real, I'm so far out of the loop. Yeah. Well, this is just something you do when you have a lot of money is you build your bunker. You want to live forever, which is one of the qualities of like this super wealthy is, because they're having such an opulent life, they want to extend their lifespan. This is a classic. I think Peter,

see, it was one of the first people in front of longevity research. Oh, dude, yeah. It's a, it's a, so it's a common thing that shows up around,

like, technologists is, is because they're so into systems. Brian Johnson. Brian, I had him on my podcast. Great dude. I liked him a lot.

I liked him a lot. And, but they want to extend their lifespan, which, I think is very similar to when you're on ecstasy and you start coming down and you make the wretched mistake of taking another hit of ecstasy. Very bad for you.

That's a great fucking analogy, Duncan. Yeah, they just want to stay. They want, if you look at this human thing is like the universe snorting a rail of humanness. It's a, it's, and you're having a great trip, death would be coming down. And you don't want to come down. So by extending the human lifespan,

it's basically what happens would you make ayahuasca versus DMT? You extend a DMT trip for five hours instead of five minutes. But it really could be that what's waiting for us on the other side of the veil here is infinitely better than this thing that we're experiencing right now. It would be nice. It would be nice to know. I was thinking all my deathbed. I was thinking,

And I'm going to just tell everyone there's a God. Just give them solace. You lied. Even though you don't believe me. My nephew, my nephew. My nephew is, he won't hear this. He doesn't watch podcasts. Yeah.

He's six, I think. And he is obsessed with the Dodgers. Yeah. And he came to me and he said, do you know any of the Dodgers? And I do. I know a couple of them. And he was like, I said, yeah.

And he goes, who do you know? I said, who do you want me to know? And he goes, do you know Freddie Freeman? I go, fuck yeah. He does you know Freddie Freeman? I don't know Freddie Freeman. But he's six, right? So why not give him, why not let him believe in God?

So I go, yeah, Freddie Freeman's awesome. And he goes, can you call him on the phone? And I was like, yeah, I'll call him on the phone. And then I just called Leanne's number. No one answered. I hanged up. I go, I guess he's with this kid. And he's like, wow.

Do you know Otani? And I said, yeah. Yeah. He goes, wait, can you talk to Otani? And I said, yeah, I know Japanese. And my nephew's like, you're amazing. And I go, I know. And I just left.

And I was like, one day he's going to find out I was full of shit. But I don't have to deal with that today. So all my deathbed, my daughters are there. My daughters do not believe in God. My wife believes in a higher power. Yeah. And I'm going to die. and go, oh, my God, Jesus, it's me.

I'll tell them, Jesus is real. He wants you guys to believe in God. And I'm like, I'm coming to you now. And then I'm going to die. Great idea. Yeah, right? Great idea. Yeah.

The problem is if Jesus does come to you when you're dying now. Now they go, he's going to believe me. Mind-funded. No, it's not the joke. What if I go, I'm going to get a pick. Yeah, well, listen, I love that you're, planning your death. I think that's a really, like, interesting exercise to do. That's a good thing to do. I love that I asked you that and you go, I don't know, I think about jumping up a building.

The, uh, it, I, I, I love, I love that I know you. I'm very grateful. Thanks, man. Leanne talks about gratitude all the time. She, I think she overuses the word. I don't think people understand gratitude. I talk to Christina. I think Christina understands gratitude right now because she is on the other side of a really shitty year. Yes. As I was talking to her, she was explaining that you were very helpful in that journey. You were like the very beginning, you're like, yo, dot, dot,

dot, dot, dot, dot. This is it. And then Yeah. And so I don't, sometimes I say, I want to feel gratitude and it doesn't happen. Yeah. And then sometimes it does. The one thing I'm grateful for is is that period in my life in 2010

2012 when we all started podcasting and we all got to know each other and we all got to hang out a lot it was cool and it was because I I really do I am grateful for my friendship with you and when Georgia called and I when I found out that my daughter that you're her favorite fucking podcast it brought me so much joy that I had in a very roundabout way raised a great kid who by the way met someone she was a child had no idea who she met and then came around at 20 years old 21 years old and found that person and thought that person has all the answers and he makes me giggle

he makes me think he's a because that's what I felt when I met you oh thank you man the fact that my daughter and I would share a view of a person independently is like it's like it must be like when you know a son fucks his stepmom and he goes

well we both love the same lady my dad loves me I'm like, that's a bad analogy. You know what I mean? You had to wrap it up with something like that, though. I don't know. I'm still burnt. I can't be fucking, I'm not. You can't just say the gratitude thing. You got to end it on incest.

Incest. A hundred percent. And, man, I love you. I think you're so funny. And thank you for having me on your show, man. I'm so glad Tom wasn't here. Oh, you know, sometimes I just want to leave this. Sebastian said something to me the other day.

Sebastian, very profound dude. He said, you know, I'm a quiet guy. And the other day, I thought to myself, hey, maybe I'm just boring. And then I was obsessed with the arrogance of boring people to think that they're just quiet. Oh, wow. And I was like, that defines Tom Segura.

The arrogance of boring. He's not. I know, I know, I'm just joking. I'm just joking. I love him to death, but I'm going to make you come on my cruise. Okay. Yeah, and it's my birthday. It's my birthday.

Happy birthday. It's my birthday. Congratulations. Send me some love. I don't, you know, send yourself some love. I'm good. Send him love. Send him love.

He wants love. Get into Tom's comments and say, I like Bert so much, Tom. Thank you for introducing me. Yes. Say that exactly. Yeah. I love you to death. No, if everyone just says, say that again,

you just said thank you for introducing me to bert i love him so much that will be in the comments you can copy and paste that into tom just in whatever post tom wrote just go tom thank you for introducing me to bert i love him so much that's fucked up that is fucked up it's no one ever says i introduced them to tom it's always do you know what this woman did the other day i know i'm wrapping it up do you know this woman did the other day what she goes oh my god I'm such a fucking fan and I was like oh thank you she goes my son I told him you're here my son said do not approach him he is he he won't take a picture with you but I I told him that you're that you're you seem like you're in a good mood it wouldn't be a problem

I said okay she goes can I face time my son and I go yeah she facetime her son she goes I'm with Tom Seguera and her son looked in the face time he's like it's not who it is and her poor son was in the FaceTime going, that's not Tom Sagarra. And I went, what's up, dude? I said, you, and he was like, hi.

I go, I'm here with your mom. It's just me, Tom Sagar and your mom. And he goes, cool, can I just talk to my mom real quick? Oh, God, that sucks. Fucking, it was beautiful for me. Oh, beautiful. Oh, I fucking, the look on that kid's face.

By the way, the only other better, and this is one of the funniest things, one of the funniest things I've ever done, and I'm never going to stop. doing it. Every time this happens, I was at a NASCAR event, Coca-Cola 600. I walk out, I'm walking out of the suite or whatever. I'm getting to the elevator. And the suite door opens, young kid, probably 14 years old, comes out and he goes, holy shit, Berkrecher, I want, what's up? He goes, the machine. And he's with his mom. His mom's probably my age and little confused,

very pretty. And he was like, dude, can I get a picture? And I go, yeah. And I go, you want me to take shirt off? And he was like, please. And his mom's like, what's going on? So take the shirt off, And he goes, Mom, and she goes, wait, who are you? And I go, I'm a gay porn star. And the kid, Duncan, in the best delivery ever, the kid looks at me, he goes, real cool, dude. He knew there was no way he was going to tell us, get to his mom to believe that I was a comedian who takes his shirt off. It was too much. And he goes, now I just got to tell my mom.

watch gay porn. Real cool, dude. Real cool. The way he said it. Real cool, good. You're the best. Do you have anything to promote?

When does this come out? November 3rd. 1972. Yeah, I'm coming to the... Hold on. Let me just look real quick. Hold on one second. I can't remember the name of the place.

Lafayette, Louisiana, this week. I just know that's the... Baltimore. I'm coming on the tops off for... Permission to Party World Tour. And then my cruise. I hope, by the way, we've announced my cruise already, because if not, I just fucking shit the bed.

There's no way to edit that out. There's no way to edit that out. By the way, hey, guess what? We're announcing the cruise today, all right? That's cool. We just announced it. Fuck. I probably should have checked with someone.

What's the name of that club in Tampa? Sard splinters. I'm inside splinters. I think the weekend. Oh, thanks for pulling that up. Oh, wait. Oh, look at this. I'm going to, is that my date?

This weekend, Richmond Heights, Missouri. Not this weekend, next week. No, that's, that's, this is this weekend. Oh, this weekend. This weekend, I'm going to be at Richmond Heights, a helium. I don't think I've ever been there. And then side splitters in Tampa. The 21st, the 20th, the 22nd.

By the way, I'll be in Tampa, January 30th at the, whatever that arena is called now. You got to say that, huh? I got to sell tickets, too. You had to say that. We all got to sell tickets, something. I love you to, that. I love you, too. Hey, will you talk at my funeral?

Yeah, I'd be honored. Thank you. Absolutely. That's all I needed to hear. Pretty busy next year, though. Wait, hold on. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert, one goes top of the swall, the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine.

There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep the clean. Here's what we call. Two bears one cave. Thank you.