2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 01 - 2 Bears 1 Cave 2w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: July 1, 2019

It's the debut of the biggest Super Podcast to date! 2 BEARS 1 CAVE! Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer have joined forces inside the YMH studios to get together as best friends and talk about anything and everything! Tom and Bert compare themselves to other duos, and some unsavory characters from WW2! It's the morning time, will Bert have a drink? How about once Hannah appears? She seems to have inside knowledge on Bert's vices. Once things get underway the stories start flowing, touching on topics like reality vs Instagram, shooting specials and drinking! Some tea is spilled and some laughs are had. It's the very FIRST 2 Bears 1 Cave!

He's Bert Kreischer. I'm Tom Segura. This is that new new. It's two bears, one cave. The 12 years in the making. 12 years in the making. 12 years in the making. We wrote a sketch about two bears, one cave.

One time, do you remember it or no? No. It was an animated thing where it's like these two guys are in the woods and it's the winter's coming and they're two bears and they live together and they're like, hey, do we have enough food for the winter? And do we have, and then, and then the guys like, yeah, but like, I don't think I have enough come inside of me.

Yeah. And then, and they just keep fucking, and every time they stop fucking, they go, wait, what about the food? Yeah, yeah. I forgot about the food. Do you want to animate it still? Yeah. Dude, I have sold a TV show based on me and you being gay.

What is it called? I was the one I was telling you about yesterday. That's the show? One of the things were like, what would you and Tom Sigeru go? And I go, oh, we'd hang out with Robert Gankowski and have a bareback mountain. Oh, definitely.

And they're like, wait, what would start it? And I go, just rob eating lollipops. Just be you and him and the canoe. and he's eating lollipop. And you're like, mother fuck. And we just start fucking. And we just fuck him. Wait, is this... You sold this?

It's a possibility. If Rob Grant-Cowseg has a sense of humor, which I think he does. Dude, I think he would fucking love me. Rob Grant-Cowseg would fucking love us. He would love you more, I get it. You know what? But then he would be like,

Bert's kind of stealing the party limelight, so I'm gonna hang out with Tom. This is a perfect way to start off this show. Let's go through famous duos in history. And you pick which one you are and which one I am. Okay. Rob Gronkowski, the quarterback, Bradie, Tom Brady.

Oh, I'm Brady. Okay. And I'm Rob Cronkow. Of course. Okay, perfect. All right, perfect. Okay. Oh, oh, oh, Lucille Ball.

And what's it, does he already have a Lucille Ball? Yeah. Okay. Sodom who's saying and the guy. Kudafi? Open Laden? Oh, oh yeah, I'm been Laden. You're Saddam.

Definitely Saddam. Yeah. I am definitely Saddam. Dude, I am plotting. I am murdering so many more people. You're doing it in a more grandiose way. Okay, okay. Hitler and Mussolini.

I'm Mussolini. I am definitely Hitler. I am definitely Hitler. Big dream. Bragg and I'm only 45. You please don't get in this shit, none? This will be a fun game. I just didn't want to say, oh, I'm definitely Hitler.

That's why I picked Mussolini. Wait, dude, what are you drinking? Coffee. Do you want something else? No. No, no, no cause I drove. That's okay. Don't I've been getting sick? I don't want to get fucking sick.

No, it's fine. No, no, no, I'm thinking. Let's start. It's a nice morning. Let's just fucking enjoy our morning. There's a horrible fucking. You have a shot? I'll have a drink.

Let's have a drink. Oh, you, are you fucking serious? Hi, how you doing? How much is this cost? That's good. Just great gal. Cheers. Cheers.

Who the fuck is that? It's Hannah. She's full time now. Oh my God, she put on hair and makeup at this hour. Yeah, she's great. I feel like yours doesn't have alcohol in it. It does, of course it does. Switch with me.

No, it's got alcohol. Lier! No, I can't, you're sick, I can't switch. I didn't even touch it yet. Well, I already touched mine, I don't want it. When there's a ton of fucking alcohol in it. But now, be honest, don't you feel better? I do.

I do. Just a little hint of that. It's just, dude, I've been struggling with like, I don't understand people who are straight up vegan, straight up on meds, like don't drink, don't do anything. I don't understand where they get their play. Like fully clean? Fully clean.

But they've, you know, anybody who's usually fully like that has seen like the bottom of the barrel. They've been, they took the ride so far that they're like the only way I can live is going, you know what I mean? If you're fully clean. I've seen some low barrels. Really?

Yeah. Like, like, shitting blood in an airport. Like I've never sucked a dude's dick for anything. Ever? Have you ever touched one? Nope. I've got to go long time on that.

One time? One time? Yeah. I was like, I'm part of the lot. I've never touched a dude's dick. I've never touched a dude's dick. Yeah, no, that's, that's, that's right. That's crazy.

I mean, that's, that's fine if you do. No, I mean, like, I mean, you think that I, is much fucking around as I do. That's true. I would think that, have you put your dick on a bunch of dudes like elbows and shoulders and hands and stuff? Yeah. My dick has a, has a, a pedigree like a 1800 explorer. My dick is fearless. It has been on shoulders.

I have a picture of you, uh 2007 or eight. Yeah. Where you're naked in my hotel room. And you, I, dude, by the way, that you, you tuck your stuff and then you squat and you go like, yeah, that was my move for a long time before I had material. That was my move. Dude, how many times have I been trying ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha like, whoo. I was like, so wait, you're telling me when my buddy passed out with his mouth open, I put my balls in his mouth. I raped him. And Liam was like, oh yeah, oh yeah. And I was like, then he raped me the next night.

If he held on to it, like if he was like really upset, you had to know if that guy, he went on to work like for an air conditioning company, and every day he would go home and be like, you know, the one thing that really fucked me up was that burnt guy dipping his balls in my mouth. And then you became this successful high profile comic. Dude, I see him all the time because I was in Seattle. Is he okay with you?

I guess there is a... It'd be cool if we got him fired up to like... No. To suit you. Is that not? There is a legit, no, no, I'm just moving. What are you going? I was gonna adjust it for you.

There is a legit picture of me cocking hand, right? Yeah. Balls hanging, shirtless. I look fucking good. Just like a gargoyle over this guy's set, who's passed out mouth open, and I'm just about to tea bag him. Yeah.

A legit picture that if it came out, I'm sure it would ruin my career, but a lot of people would first go, he looks good as fuck. Yeah, well yeah. But he looks hot. Speak a hot and looking good. Yeah.

Did you see the Instagram versus reality photo of like Ethan, a client and then me? Did you see this? No, no, no. So can you make that bigger? Can you make it? So like, there's a photographer who, oh my God, who took this is fucking brilliant.

Wait, have you seen how much different, like, look how good that looks, right? Wait, okay, that is drastic. Have you seen handsome Jim different, like, look how good that looks, right? Wait, okay, that is drastic. Have you seen handsome Jim Norton? No. Can you pull up handsome Jim Norton? Handsome Jim Norton is the most, it's the subtlest fucking, let's see if it comes up. Oh, go, okay, the first picture, first picture, first picture.

Look at this, this is hamps him Jim Norton. He looks great, it kinda looks like Sean Evans. Yeah, it's subtle, they do something, I don't know what it is. But that's the thing, all right, go back to the Ethan one, go back to Ethan, and basically if you're listening, Ethan Klein, H3, H3, did this, he did a great video. You see his video breaking down this whole thing? No. Oh my God, he did a great video. You see this video breaking down this whole thing?

No. Oh my God, it's a big subreddit called Instagram Versa Reality. Anyways, a photographer, I would love his name, if you know it, I'll find it. But anyways, took the photo that Ethan posted and did what some Instagrammers are doing. There's people doing this not as a joke regularly. They look like Ethan on the left and they're posting pictures.

A lot of them are women posting pictures of themselves with this like extreme, you know, like unattainable beauty. So anyways, then the guy did it to me, which is the other one. I mean, look at the hair. But you could look like that. No. All you have to do is dye your beard and get transplants. But then I also asked if he would do it for you.

Oh, fuck off. Well, just to see it, like see if you like it or not. I look the same. What are you talking about? I just have a Supreme hat on. Look at the beard, look at the jawline. Wait, is that Dan Bilzerian? Yeah.

That's Dan Bilzerian? Yeah. And it's got his Dan's watch on too. Look at your watch. Oh, dude, I can definitely look like that. I can definitely look like that. Do you feel like your life's much better on the right? Which one's the right? Over here. This one?

Yeah. What do you think life is like for you? No, the guy on the right has to fuck the arm with the lights off. You think so? A hundred percent. The guy on the left's like, this is what I signed up for. Ah! Ah!

The guy on the left actually is a fucking, by the way, the guy on the left is much better looking than me right now. Alex is a while ago. Oh yeah. It was when I was fitting in that sub-pop shirt. I babyed all, I babyed all T out of that now on my belly. Wait, what are you up to now? What are you waiting for?

I built a heavy evidence, I've ever been. I really, I was the heavy, are you hungry? I was, yeah I'm starving, I'm starving. I'm sorry, I'm dying to see what this sketch is. It's not sketch. I'm starving Tom. I've been saying you want some food. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm curious, man. I'm really not so funny. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. I

Saw you. I saw that look. I can't help it man. Yeah, his eyes. I know that you're not supposed to do that anymore But I can't help it. Aren't you not human if you don you're not supposed to do that anymore but I can't help it. Aren't you not human if you don't do that though? No but that's like, that's like, that's the new thing now is like, I stay up. It's fucking stupid. Do you want a donut? Yeah I do want a donut.

You want. Dude I've been wanting a donut for so fucking long where you got these? What? Blinkies. Blinkies? Yeah. Can I tell you? Yeah.

Okay. I will always rank your order of donuts. Okay. Okay. Number one, number one's old-fashioned. Chocolate. Chocolate old-fashioned. Actually, maple old-fashioned is the best. Okay.

Maple old-fashioned. Then I go, glaze, because there's no harm no foul. Right? This is the heaviest one. Yep. This is how I go. Hungover, that'll feel really good, because that'll stop up some shit.

And let me tell you something, there is no better feeling hungover than feeling those crush between your teeth. Yeah. The fucking greatest feeling. And there's nothing better than like, and I don't do this, but this is how my kids eat,

and my wife eat donuts, and I watch them do it, and I want to do it like that. They get a donut and they go. Oh, fuck them. That's my cousin. My cousin Brian does that. Oh my God.

Don't you hate them? I'm dining so fucking long. I hate that my cousin takes the bite and then he goes, he's a grown man and I go, what are you doing? He goes, it lasts longer this way and I go, what are you doing? He goes, it lasts longer this way. This is how you should eat a donut. Yeah.

Like that? Yeah. That's what we don't have. Can I tell you my problem with donuts in LA? What? Is that there, I mean, there's a lot of comments with these notes. They're all the same distributor, distributes all the same

ingredients to all the same donuts. I think they taste the same? All, all the same ingredients to all the same donuts. I think they taste the same? All donuts taste the same in LA. There's no donuts that taste different in LA. Every donut. Somebody's gonna get really mad at you for that. Bring it. I was fucking, fucking my wig.

Okay. Do you think, by the way, looking at these before and afters, before we get back to the donuts. Yeah. Do you wanna go the way looking at these before and afters before we get back to the donuts? Yeah, do you want to go would you go and and to a place and get get our beards died? 100% really I would love to get my beard died. Let's get our be like professionally You know, yeah, that's a lot 100% Wait does Dan Bosarian get his deer beard died cast to oh Might so dark dude. I hate when you see something and you everyone saw it forever and you're the first one that sees it and you're like

Shut the fuck up Dan Bell's airing gets his beer of course. It's of course. It's a side. It is not 25 No, he's not yeah, he's in his 30s. Yeah, of course. All right, I wonder how old he is. My mom taught him. Your mom taught him? Yeah.

What do you mean? She was his teacher. In what? First grade, yeah, first grade kindergarten. Yeah, he lived right across the lake for me. I love that he's one of those guys too that never, never sways from what he's been posting. At all, it's been posting at all.

It's like be real. It's like they have the Cypress Hill guys haven't taken a day off from weed in 25 every post. It's like a joint, a bong weed. They never take a day off. Coming from a brand heavy entertainer. Yeah. Even I get like, I get it. Tito's, I drink a lot. Let's dial it back, show. Yeah. Even I get like, I get it. Titos.

I drink a lot. Let's dial it back. Show something regular. Dude, those motherfuckin... Pfft. Those motherfuckers. Ha ha ha ha. She just made mine with vodka.

Nah, she's, she's good girl. She's on a,'s got a pension plan. Motherfucker. Yeah, those guys just fucking, they're like, I almost wonder, I wish I had less insight on life. What? I'm not shitting on B-Rio or Dambles Aryan,

but they don't really have any other idea other than like. Right, they're all in on their thing. They got, they're like, dude, I found my lane. But I kind of respect that, though. Got us in a Cypress Hill singing this morning. Yeah. He doesn't even sing in his real voice. No, he's always done that like,

like, and you're like, like, he's not even like, like, I mean, not to be shitty, but like, he was a little bit of a caricature, even in his an artist. So like, I'm, not to be shitty, but like, he was a little bit of a caricature, even in his an artist. So like, I'm sure when it comes to his real life, he's like, what, what work for me as a caricature? I got a kind of caricature in up in my real life too. But, and what damn bulls-arian?

It's like, all of a sudden, it's like, tits and guns works and he's like, dude, let's just put the pedal to the metal and go. I wish I could be like that. I see comics like that that just lean into whatever fucking works for him. But you don't think you kind of like 100% do. But you say I wish I could be like that.

But I'm cognizant of it. And I go, all right, I get it, my shirt's always off. Like, we don't need to take care. I like, I don't need to take my shirt off every fucking day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't every time I go on stage or every time I do anything, take my shirt off. But at a big theater show now, I imagine that if you don't, people would be like, what the fuck?

They'd fuck. They'd boo. They get pissed when I do the improv and they'll take it off. I didn't take it off the other day. The improv, people were like, come on, take it off, man. I'm like, you're a hot chick. I'm like, yeah, I'm like, I'm working on stuff. You're a stripper, dude. Take it. Come on, dude. Dude, take it off. Come on. Dude take it off. Just take it off. And looking at me like come on and I lift my shirt up like this. Show my belly. He's like all right that's good. Fucking unbelievable. Yeah. Yeah. But I would say that that's as a result of buying in so hard right? Leaning into it. Well I you have a mind was it like I don't know. Because I gotta tell you, I love Cypress Hill.

I do too, I like Be Real. Yeah, he's a great, send dog. I like the way that he damn loves. He damn loves. Yeah, damn loves Aryan kind of changed the way I did Instagram. Really? Yeah, because I started watching his Instagram.

I mean, like, I don't realize, I could shit, I'm not shitting on these people, but I could shit on anyone and then give you my honest opinion of them, like I break anything down. I love when you get fired up to shit on somebody. There's one of my favorite phone calls to get from you. You know what? Fuck this guy, he's a fucking cunt. I have a couple of those in line right now.

Let's play a game, I'll shit on someone and you gotta guess who it is. Oh, oh, oh. Oh. Oh. All right. Oh. Oh. All right. I can't. Are we gonna kill these?

Yeah, come on. I wish you had alcohol in it. It does. It does not. Yes, it does. You're such a cunt. Smell. Smell it.

Smell. I'm gonna fall asleep in my car now. I'm just fucking, you know what I was gonna do? I was gonna ride my bike here and show up in a bike room here. Ha ha ha ha. I'm doing that next time. Are you okay now, you sound that deathly? I'm fine.

What is it, what happened? I got food poisoning. Dude, I ate, I was on a tear. That's a donuts. Yeah, I'm coming on, I'm going. The, I, I got food poisoning. I'm going the uh, I Got food poisoning. I just was fucking I ate so much shit. I was on a tear. I was the head. I weighed in that morning. Come on tell us 258

That morning I weighed in it 258 with clothes on like just to be fair But this is like, I was like, I'm not gonna, the three days ago. The day I woke up, the day I woke up, I guess this was Tuesday or Tuesday. Yeah. I woke up and I was, I just felt fat as fuck and I was, I have clothes on. I was like, you know, I'm in a way, I never weigh in with clothes on.

I was when I was totally naked. So I'm gonna, I'm gonna weigh myself, see where I'm at. Cause I'm really, I'm like, I'm gonna spend these next week before we go to Bali. I'm gonna, I'm gonna spend time losing weight. So I'm fully clothed, I where I'm at, because I'm really, I'm like, I'm gonna spend these next week before we go to Bali. I'm gonna spend time losing weight. So I'm fully clothed, I get on, and it's 258, and I am crushed, I'm like, fuck it. My head, I go, let's just get to 260, start.

Like why I'm fucking pissin' on about 258? And I was on a tear, I had ice cream, I had two different types of pasta, I was drinkin' teetos, I had a dip. After you saw 250, I had a dip. This is after 250, and I'm like, fuck this, fuck it. I'm drinking beers before the meeting at TBS, we go on a pitch at TBS, we have beers down at claim jumpers,

I get an app at claim jumpers, I'm drinking beers in the meeting at TBS, I had two beers in the meeting at TBS, I had skittles, I had Reese's Pieces, a peanut butter cop. You know, I'm home. You don't have an addictive behavior problem. Dude, I have, I have, I have a junkie's behavior,

but a freshman junkie. Yeah, yeah. Like in like, I don't go, I don't like, crave drugs, but like, just impulse. And so, I go home and we get, I tell the girls who unsightly scrimmed sandwiches and they're like, oh, there's this great place over on Lancashire.

Is Leanne saying anything during the summer? No, nothing. So we go, I have sushi. I ate so much, Tom, you know, I had full dinner. I had a full dinner, then I had pasta, then I had ice cream sandwiches, then I, and then I'm laying in bed, and I just, I go, I don't feel good.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, what? Yeah. I have never, I have violently threw up. I've never, I thought I had a stroke because my face, my face was numb. I was throwing up, my face was numb, and I was like, oh my god, I just have a stroke. You know how I knew about this?

How? Somebody DM me a screenshot of your story, and I was like, what the fuck, man? I immediately, I don't know if you can hit his stories. It's not there anymore. It's not there anymore. All right. My password, oh.

Yeah, hit that one, hit Joey. It's Joey. It's Joey. Joey. He's left the way for one arm. Got little Chinese get with the camera. He's walking around. I didn't even understand what he was talking about. I was like, shit like that.

I haven't a good time. I saw him last week. Got so fat. Look, Chinese. I didn't even know it was Bernie. I thought it was a fight. I thought it was a fat Chinese man and shit. I love that people are like, bro bro when Joey Diaz calls you fat. It's the best right?

You're like that guy? That guy says I look bad. Oh my god. God yeah. But then I just I just went. Come on man. Yeah cheers. I'm so rolling it.

The, uh, man, I never got sick like that in my entire life. She went on a full binge up before you got sick. And then when I got sick, I woke up the next morning and I was like, I'm not getting on the scale. I couldn't do it. I was, and I had a chest infection too. Oh yeah't do that. No, I had a chest infection too. Oh yeah, that's pretty crazy. I had a chest infection too, and so my,

Oh that door's open. Let me close it. Yeah. Hold for tour dates. The Body Shots World Tour is going back this fall. We have added, I think, 13 shows. So come and see me. If your show's sold out, you got to take it.

When's your tour? Yeah. The take it down tour, TomSugory.com. We just announced a bunch of fall dates. And this isn't coming out for a couple weeks. Yeah, so I can, I can tell you what's, what's been added since, which is pretty exciting.

Here we go. We are going on sale with another Dublin show. Let's see, Benzlehem in the Parks Casino in PA. Now, that's the different one. This is actually Benzlehem. Really? Yeah. Then Lake Charles, I'm doing the Golden Ben Slahem. Really? Yeah. Then Lake Charles, I'm doing the Golden Nugget there,

the Warner Theater. Is it, is it, you're ready for a really inappropriate joke? Yeah. That would have been funny 20 years ago and it's gonna really offend people. Yeah. Is it a subsidiary of Bethlehem for people with hairlips? Okay.

It's Ben Slahem. It might be. Is anyone of hair hair lips anymore? Yeah, a couple of them work here if you don't. Sorry, one more, hold on. Palace, theater, Columbus, Ohio, and whatever. Grand Rapids, Michigan, also, and...

Oh, and Windsor, Ontario, the Coliseum. Kansas City Omaha Buffalo Cincinnati Columbus just added those shows Can't fucking wait are you gonna tour bus again? Fall for some of the dates. I'm not doing like you do where you where you like blocking out. I'm out straight I So I'm taking one weekend off you're taking one weekend out one weekend starting win September mid September I go straight all the way to November 23rd and in Columbus, Ohio. You take no days off?

No days off. None. That'll be good for your health. Well, I won't be drinking for October. Oh, that's true. So then I'll be healthy as fuck and then I'm thinking about not drinking in November. Why? And just getting ready for my special.

And then... When do you shoot? November 23rd in Cleveland, Ohio. Oh, you're doing Cleveland? Yeah. How do you know you're you shoot? No, I've ever 23rd in Cleveland, Ohio. Oh, you're doing Cleveland. Yeah. How do you know you're gonna shoot? Dude, I think the biggest mistake people, I'm gonna shoot, I wanna shoot for. Do you really?

Yeah, I really do. Are you gonna do that? I want to, because this hour isn't like all the other hours. It's, this hour has, I mean, every other hour, I felt like I was so over-prepared for it. This one's, I feel like you must have felt on your like third hour or your second or third. We were like, fuck, I gotta get it going again.

Maybe your third or your fourth. And I understand now I understand the difference what separates the cream from the rest. You know, like I go, oh, this is where you find out who's a good comedian is who can turn these out. This is where you say like, you know, where people shit on Amy's leather special. Yeah.

I go, she wasn't ready. But she didn't know she wasn't ready because she was famous. And she was just like, oh, I'm ready. And, or like a lot of everyone shits on really great comic specials and they go, oh, they weren't ready. They just didn't know it.

The difference is, I don't have like a movie, a book, I don't have nine different things I'm working on, I'm just working on standups, I'm taking every weekend, I'm working every single weekend, adding shows everywhere. And I don't wanna shoot for because when I did Philly, I shot two and I bombed on the first one. Did you really?

I fucking bombed. How, why? I don't know. Well, there was a number number reasons. Number one, the electricity went out and so they had to push the show by an hour. There was a rain storm and Everyone had to wait outside in the rain. No one got beers. They had to start to show immediately. Some guys started heckling. Everyone was soaking Fucking wet. It was a bunch. Are you keep looking at the donuts while I'm talking? You're looking at your drink.

And so, so, but yeah, it was, it was, so I wanna shoot four just to get it covered. Yeah, Joe did four. Did he really? He's done four. Yeah, I would do four. Do you got, that cuts into your money though, right?

Yeah, it does, but I mean, if you feel like it's gonna make the best product. Yep, that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna shoot for. Yeah, that'd be great. I like, do you know the biggest mistake everyone makes is not filming their special in a place that they haven't been in a while?

How do you not feel, wait, you like when someone... I haven't been to Cleveland in like two years. That's the best, that's the best thing. Yeah, and everyone's like, no one's seen any of this material. By the way, and it's such a great market, like that audience is there, are nuts. But what do you do, how do you get from feeling burned out on these long, like different material?

Don't you hate it by a certain point? No. Like if you don't take, like the way I do it is that I'll fucking hate it. Then by taking it like a week or two off, it's like, oh, it makes it kind of exciting. You know, you throw some new things in. Thank you so much.

Oh, nice. Thank you. Thank you, Hannah. Appreciate it. Thanks so much. You're slowly turning into morning radio. This is great. Who the fuck is she?

She was just outside. This looks like a microphone at the funny bone. Yeah. Not bad. Not bad? Not bad at all. Blinkies. Blinkies.

Blinkies? Yeah. I had 20 before you got here. It'd be nice if you catch up. Fuck off. I don't get burned out. I mean, I get burned out. No, but you know what I'm saying?

Like, burned out of like saying the jokes. Because if you do it like, if you're like, I'm not going to take one week off. How do you get to the point like on week eight, where you're like, oh my God, it's the same fucking hour again tonight, you know what I mean? Yeah, I don't know, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know.

You just don't. I don't, I don't get burned out like that. I mean, I do in, in. You don't get sick of material. I get sick of, I get, the only thing I get sick of is in honesty, is telling the machine story. But the rest of it's new enough for you, like it's still fun. Yeah, and I like to fuck around.

I go up with little projects in my head, so I go, I hate my intro right now. And so I just fuck around with my intro and try to find a way. I want to find the one way in that's the quickest and the funniest. So I keep fucking around with that. That's what my one project all through Europe was, intros, but it didn't really work because you could really go in and go like my intro in most of northern Europe. I feel like Richard Pryor did when he went to Africa. I know you guys look like me, but I don't know what the fuck you're saying. That's funny. And so like, I don't know, I throw away so much fucking material where

I, I'm, I'm fuck with it and I just go, eh, and I don't record it and I just let it go. Yeah, I'm, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what you should do before, by the way, in those eight weeks. What? Higher and audio engineer to come and record you doing a long set of all the material so that you have it recorded, audio. And then, after your special comes out, since they don't release our audio anymore, you release the audio as your own album, completely separate from them. They release our audio, they don't know,

they? No, they just put like a couple of them. They don't, you can't stream it or download it anymore. Really? Yeah. I wish, I want to, I tell you what I wish I could do I wish I could have you know they have like a corporate Like doctors come into your business and go this is where your business failing. I always had that for comedians They come in and go hey man. Just you know like you're not on Spotify and and you're not you're not Mutilizing all the money you could get on t-shirts and this and this and this. I always say had that for comedy. I'm like fucking all over the map. Still number one.

I know, yeah, it's 9.30 in the morning. Is that really gonna be a fucking detractor for you? What's the earliest you've ever gotten drunk? On a vacation or something, it's been in the morning, but not like, I don't know, probably like breakfast, right? Yeah, breakfast, no. Like, I remember the first time I got breakfast drunk, I'd never heard of moses before.

Yeah. And they were like bottomless mimosas. And I was like, I literally was like, we take our pants off and they were like, no. You can drink, I was probably 18, 18 years old. And I was like, do you want one? No, no. And they were like, and we had bottomless mooses.

And I was like, dude, afternoon drunk is the best. I fucking loved it. We were in Jacksonville. So I like doing, I remember doing brunches. And if you have nothing that day, and you start drinking at brunch, that nap, that afternoon app feels like nothing else. You know what I mean?

Like if you drink in the morning, and then you take that like one 32 p.m. nap, and then you feel like the day really, really begins for you that evening. It's a beautiful thing. Dude, I'm trying to get into edibles, but I have a terrible fear of them. Start mild. I know, but I have a terrible fear of them. Start mild.

I know, but even still, it's like, like, see, but here's the problem is I go, who else eat edibles for my daughter's softball game. And then I'm like, Hmm. Maybe that's not the place to do it. Yeah, it might be the setting. But that's what I want to,

is when I'm like, I'm bored out of my fucking mind. Ha ha ha ha, at my daughter's sporting event. She doesn't play, she's fucking rides the bench. I gotta watch these other girls play. And I was like, I would love to fucking just take it up to here. You know? Did she talk to you about sports? Dude, can I tell you the worst thing

that happened the other day? Yeah. So, one One night one day We're at wine tasting and in in San and as and Leanne is drunk and my dad at eight marijuana that day he was eating marijuana my sisters ate some and Your dad really got into it, huh? Did Joey really do some to it? Yeah, my dad loves it. He does it, he does like five milligrams a night. So he says, my daughter's in the back of the bus and they're like, mom's wasted.

And I was like, oh yeah, mom gets drunk. And they're like, how come you don't get wasted? I was like, I don't know. I just don't, I'm not into it that way. Like, it was Leanne's drunk. And I'm drunk as fuck, but they just can't see it. No, I can see it, no one can see it. And so, they're like, mom, have you spoke pot

and Leanne's drunk? She goes, yeah, so what? And the girls are like, what? And even I'm like, whoa. And Leanne goes, I've smoked it four times and I've thrown up every time. Georgia looks at me and she goes, have you ever spoke pot?

And I was like, no, never. And they're like, really? And I go, yeah. So then we're at a party one night. Everyone's talking about cocaine and Ila like, no, never. And they're like, really? And I go, yeah. So then we're at a party one night. Everyone's talking about cocaine and Ila goes, mom's snorted cocaine four times, but she's throwing up every time. And everyone's like, what?

I go marijuana, Ila, very different, very different. And George just says, you really never smoked marijuana. And now I'm already in the lie. I'm like, no, I haven't. She goes, are you going to? And I said, well, I mean, yeah, I gotta tell you what, if you wait until you're 25, all wait until you're 25,

I'll never smoke it and we'll smoke it our first time together. And she goes, for real? And I said, yeah. How gullible is she? Do she believe in Santa until she was 13? That's high school. Like, how is that your daughter she was 13? That's high school. How is that your daughter? High that's me that's me to a fucking tea really a hundred percent you know how yeah That's sweet. I am yeah, that is me that is my true that's true. That's true. That's true

So I'm in did you tell her about your cocaine usage? So I'm in New York, I'm doing episodes of something's burning and Leanne calls, I just got back it from Europe. Leanne calls, she goes, hey, how you doing? I said, pretty good, she goes, are you partying? And I said, no, actually I'm not. I said, you know what I, I did drink on Ari

and Sean's episode, but I haven't drank on all the other episodes. Actually, and you know what, I take that back. I got high with Big J and Tantzotr. Penolyk's super high, but like. I mean, you're just adding stuff. Yeah. You know that's me. Yeah, of course.

No, my favorite is when you go like, I'd never drink on stage, ever. I never drink on stage. And then someone will be like, but on Saturday you had that drink on stage. He's like, I was a late show. So, Lian goes, Lian goes. So, wait, what happened? I said, I got high with Big J and Dan on the second episode, but not super. I just like functional giggly high and it it silently and goes, your daughter's in the car. George a Chrysier.

She's 14 years old turning 15 says, Tom deadpan says, how long has this been going on? Do my heart sank the best part of the story as I was obviously know. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha with Colin Quinn and David Tell, yeah, at the end of the day, and I was still bothered by it, and I told them and David Colin are laughing hysterically and Colin Quinn goes, how long has this been going on? What, the drug use of the lying? Dude, I used to all the one I did about the shells with the girls, right?

The shit. Oh, I think I started it, right? What did you do? You lied to her? If you get pulled out of here, it would be impossible to find. But you basically were shell diving? No, so the girls were in clear water. This one, they were little girls.

We were in clear water and they wanted to find shells. For some reason, there were no shells on the beach. So I went to CBS and I bought like $200 worth of shells. And then I sprinkled them in front of our beach house and then when we went out I was like we should go look for shells when we started in the water do the best is wearing the water And I think I found one and the girls have been doing this the whole trip. They're like dad I'm not diving down. I go Georgia. Feel it. She goes dad. I'm not doing it. They're young I go Ila Ila dives down and pulls up a fucking

Lord of the Rings ca- like Lord of the Fries caulk like shell just like and I and George goes, wait, I won't run. And I had another one in my hands, right? Put it down. George is like, and- Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh. Oh. Oh. Yeah. Oh.

Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Oh. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.quered shells. They loved it. And they were like, these are the most amazing trip ever, dad. But that's the problem with my brain, is I always want everything to be up to here. Always.

Always. Everything for you has to be a 10. Everything. Everything. I want everything to be a 10. Every meal. Yeah. Every night out.

There's no such thing as like, that was a nice evening. I don't understand. We had dinner and a glass of wine. I don't understand anyone that has like, a cup of glass of wine. I don't understand. I don't understand. We had dinner and a glass of wine. I don't understand anyone that has a cup of glass of wine. I don't understand anyone. Has it to go bag and they're like, that was fun, we should do that again. I don't get that.

You're like, this has got to go. I want, this is how I want every night to end. No to go bag, right? Everyone ate everything. Yeah. Everyone's at the table. No, I don't want to dessert one more glass of wine. Well, let's do another bottle. And then we did the bottle and someone's like, and then the women are like, I don't want to dessert one more glass. Well, let's do another bottle.

And then we did the bottle and someone's like, and the women are like, I gotta get outta here. And then you look at me and you're like, you're still up for a nightcap? I know you. Oh yeah. Next thing you know, we're at fucking pads with all the black comics, Norton Coke.

That is such an inside joke, only the black comics get it. The black New York comics? Nope, all the black LA comics hang out at one bar. Really? Yes. Yes. Pats? In the valley, yeah.

If you go there at any hour, you will run into a BET's worth lineup. Really? And it is fun. It's right by my house. We go there all the time. I always go, Lynn, let's go get a drink and then I just end up fucking shooting the shit.

I leave her over in the corner. Fucking, oh. Do you think, do you think she feels like my buddy being married to you is like a penance in a way? You know what, I gotta be honest with you. I'm being dead serious. Yeah. Is it like, you know when they whip their backs,

like this is the price I have to pay? I think she feels like, you know, when they whip their backs, like, this is the price I have to pay? I think she feels like, I think she feels like, she got what she deserved. Like, I don't think, like, I feel like I got what I wanted. I think she feels like she got what she deserved. Like, she's like, I didn't deserve much better than this. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Like I'm like they're like. It's like it's so honest. What you're saying and funny and then like equally sad to me. Well yeah, well, I mean, I think ideally she sees herself. I mean, I'm sure everyone sees themselves in a better life. But like sure she sees herself with someone who's more supportive and like maybe you should do this.

And maybe I should have been like that when I was younger. I'm like that now, but I was not like that when I was younger. I was like, when you were first married. Dude, when I was first married, I was like, we need to make money. I'll just go on the road. Like, this is what I'll do. I know I was singing the other day.

I don't remember my 30s at all. Jesus. I have no recollection of my 30s, 46. I remember turning 40, but at 40 I still felt like I was 33. Like I look at people when I go like, you just turned 40, and I go, someone was telling me, someone was,

Brennan Shob was like 34 or something? Probably 34, 34. And I was like, huh? Like I have no recollection of my 30s man I had kids are you glad that the path took you on the path that you're on oh yes dude yeah I would have I was thinking about this in the shower there's a lot of guys when we when we I say we started and I know that I started before you but I think I always felt like we came up at the same time, I'm gonna stay with these. Those aren't as good as you'd think.

Yeah. I'm taking these home. Okay. The, there was so many guys that got things that we didn't get in this business, like Montreal. They knew all the casting people at like Comedy Central. They were like best friends with them and they knew exacts and they like had famous friends and me and you did not. We were just like two comics that drove to Brea to do spots and then

drove home and like we were getting like the cool spot at the Hollywood improv. So I'm so grateful for that because we learned how to do stand up as opposed to learn how to work the business. And those guys who learned how to work the business never learned to stand up and now they're being phased out of the business because they still don't know how to stand up.

They know how to like take a general meeting and know everyone's names, but that doesn't fucking matter anymore. Now everyone just wants good content. It's true. And then, and I think they were too proud to start podcasts. Dude, this cunt fucking reached out to me. And he was like, I'm doing a thing about stand up.

It's the greatest stand-ups in the, in the, some fucking thing about stand-up. All the greatest stand-ups in the country are on it. I'd love to be on your podcast to promote it and I was like I Looked in the names not one of them has a podcast. I'm not on this fucking show not one of my friends is on a show I was like you know fuck yourself now you you took who is you guys? Darling in 2001 and you fucking put all of them on your fucking thing because you're an old fucking asshole And then you hit me up like going you're an an old asshole you'll take me fuck off go fuck dude I get so fucking pissed by this shit

can I go no man like I can't wait to hear who this is you won't even know his name You know what's the... Oh no, I think you're farting. No. Are you telling me? Oh, I've heard the name. Yeah. There's so many people like that. There's so many people where you just like... I don't know. How long have we been on? 45 minutes. That's it? Yeah. People where you just like, oh, I don't know.

How long have we been on? 45 minutes. That's it? Yeah. Wow. I feel like I've been through a fucking emotional experience. No. Sweet, when do you go back on the road? Dude, I flat Monday for a long week.

Oh no, you're not going to Europe. No, but it's a long US week. What are you doing? Wait, doing Tuesday? Yeah. Louisville, then more Louisville, then Indy, then St. Louis, then Chicago, then, or then Detroit, then Chicago again.

So you're doing two in Chicago? Yeah, those are my fourth. Then going to Detroit, then coming back to Chicago. No, no, no, sorry. So it goes Louisville, Indy, St. Louis, Detroit, Chicago. Torbus? Yeah.

Who's going with you? Mike Cronin. I don't know. He's fine. He's fine. He's fine. He's fine. He's fine.

He's fine. He's fine. He's fine. He's fine. He's fine. He's fine. He's fine. He's fine. He's fine. He's fine. He's fine. It's so picky about sharing space with someone. Yeah, I only invite you on the bus if I know you and trust you and like you for sure.

Where did you meet Mike Crowded? Oh my God, I've known him, I don't know, years now, I probably had Cincinnati originally. He was a Go bananas guy. And then I've toured with him before. He's great, he's hilarious. That can I tell you what's changed totally in this business is when we started,

there were people who were like Yeah, man. I'm a Cincinnati comic. That's my thing. I'm a Cleveland comic I'm not leaving my scene. I got a great scene. Oh, yeah, I'm a Houston comic. That shit's gone There's no one staying in there seen anymore. I don't want to You know living in fucking New York Bob bigger staff. Does it live in New York? Lives in fucking New York Bob biggerger staff. Does he live in New York? Lives in fucking New York, Bob Bigger staff. Do one of my favorite, I fucking love Bob Bigger staff. And he's finally in fucking New York.

And I was like, God dammit man. You know, he didn't like him, was your cow head hate him. Yeah, he told me that on air. I was like, why? I guess they had a, but that's when you know, Bob is just, when you host a show though, and you're on the air five days a week for years, there's just gonna be mornings

where you're running to somebody and it's not gonna work out. Bob's also, yeah, I mean, I get it, I get it. And I don't know, maybe the thing I liked in Bob doesn't translate on radio. Yeah, like I know, I mean, you've got a little bit of Bob in you, like what's funny in you, maybe isn't amazing on radio.

I'm terrible on it. But see what's good in me, like the thing I always want things to be a 10? I'm like, God made me, he went, we'll have a good throwing arm. He'll be okay running long distances and he'll be faster than the majority of Asians. He'll have a head of hair that'll last him until 46. He can cheat it and make it look like he has a full head. And he's going to be perfect for morning radio.

Like I am perfect for morning radio. I would say we are polar opposites. Why does everybody listen? There's a, I can tell you nine at a 10 times, radio, morning radio segments with me end, and they're just like, thanks for coming in. But okay, then here's my question.

Why are you, why is that with radio, but like on something like Rogan, you are so good. Like you and Ari are probably the two best Rogan appearance guys that I've ever seen, where you just, you can flow and just have a conversation. Because of the format though, it's long form conversation. What you're talking, it's a skill set, the radio. I mean, I don't knock it for having the skill set.

The skill set is you know what the environment is on morning radio. And it's like, are you, do you play ball or not? And you go in there and people who are good at it go in and they go, there's a, at a minimum, maybe at a maximum, 10 minutes to capitalize on this. I'm going to heighten the, I'm gonna take it to a 10. I go in there with the opposite mentality.

I don't care if you don't like me. I'm not gonna fucking shut in jive for you. Yeah. You know, and I was like that by the way, 12 years ago. You were like that when it didn't, when it didn't help your career. Yeah. You, dude, they would, by the way,

I would be in the car leaving radio with the club person and a station manager would call the club manager and go, what was that all about? I would just go, like, I don't care. Why, though, why did you not care? Like, that's how I can't understand. You know what it is? Okay, it comes from, there's a little,

it's a combination of, when you're, let's say not an act, like a ticket selling act, but you feel like what you do is funny, or like you feel like I'm a good act to come see. And the arrogance and the vibe of some of those people in the station being like, let's see if you're good enough for me.

Would make me go like, you can fucking eat my ass. So funny. It did the exact opposite for me. Oh yeah, so I would go in there and go like, you can fucking eat my ass. That's funny. It did the exact opposite for me. Oh yeah, so I would go in there and be like, if they're like, or you can be funny when we come back from the break, I go, let's see if you're fucking funny when we come back from the break.

But you go, like, this is what, like, people listening to this go, probably going, yeah, Tom, because they're like, they know you now. Yeah. They don't realize you were doing this when that was completely on you. I never thought that's the end of Tom's career. Like I remember, I remember you blowing up.

I remember more than anything you blowing up the Dayton improv, Dayton Funnybone. Just going like, fuck this club, fuck the management, fuck the way it's run, this fucking sucks. I'm telling run, this fucking sucks. I'm telling everyone, this is fucking bullshit. And I remember going, Tom, don't say anything, don't say anything. And then you went on Rogan and you were like, fuck this and then I remember stoop going,

which one with your buddy Tom? And then next you know, he's like, man, Tom was right. And I was like, what the fuck? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. That guy doesn't even work improv anymore. I know, he had five kids. What? He had five or six kids. I know, he had five kids. What? He had five or six kids.

Are you serious? Yes, yes. You know what he fucking told me one time? What? So what's the guy that's dead? The medicine hat? J-medicine hat, yeah. Okay, so J-medicine hat was a hypnotist comic.

J-medicine hat was a big Native American. And this is, I'm just giving you a sidebar to the story. These are the things I love about J-medicine hat. J-medicine hat was a big native American. This is, I'm just giving you a sidebar to the story. These are the things I love about Jay medicine hat. Jay medicine hat was a native American comic. It's just the initial J. Yeah, just J medicine hat. A big, I mean, he dressed like he was out of deadwood. I mean, not even Joe.

And he would drink whiskey on stage. And sometimes he'd go on stage and just go, yeah, like, yeah, take a look at his head shot to the left, far left, far left. Yeah, yeah, like- Yep. Yeah, take a look at his head shot to the left, far left, far left. Yeah, okay, there you go. All right, so he was a dirty hypnotist- Hypnotist, comedian act. Did you know, I found this out later that he would

in like some of those Midwestern funnybone markets, Columbus, Dayton, the St. Louis, like, you know, that circle of them, he would, at one point, they were bringing him in, he would sell out the weekend, five and six times a year. Yeah. So they were having him in like January, March, June, August, October, and like sold out, I was like, what? So I come in to Dayton.

The guy picks me up from the airport. He's taking me to the condo. This is what I'm gonna do, six shows for 1,200 bucks, right? And he's like, you know, he's a nice guy. And we're sitting there and I'm like, how's the condo? He's like, well, yeah, I guess it's all right. I mean, we had to clean it up. And I was like, well, that's nice.

Don't you clean it up between everybody? And he's like, yeah, but Jay Madison had was there last week and I go, what does that mean? And he goes, well, you know, I trammed his pubes in the sink and he, you know, like pissed on the bed and I go, hey, I go, did you clean it up? And they're like, yeah, I go, then why did you tell me that shit? Like, I don't want to have to think about his pubes

in the sink and they're like, yeah, it was a big mess. He's nasty. But he's great. Anyways, you're gonna have a great week here and I was like, dude, so that was like one of those things. It's this bully mentality where they peck you down. Yeah, to make you feel like shit about yourself, so you feel grateful.

It's a pimped mentality. I just bought iceberg slim. Pimp? It's a pimped mentality. I'm also watching Deadwood right now. It's watching Deadwood. By the way, why are they, I just saw a billboard for Deadwood.

They're doing a movie. Oh, I'm like, why are they promoting Deadwood again? J-medicine had died in a target. He did? Can you imagine, can you imagine? Every fucking day of my life. You're going to get like, like a detergent and milk, and you turn the corner and you see

like a shitty hypnotist dead. That's so funny. I thought you were gonna say an eye died. I definitely think about me dying in a target all Like the fucking time dying in a hotel gymnasium. Just having a stroke. Are you good on your drink? Yeah, I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good She's an intern by the way She's our new intern. I Got a fun to do assistant. You do?

Yeah. What happened? He quit. When? I think I wrote him too hard. Seriously? Wait, lifestyle stuff? Yeah.

He couldn't keep up with partying. He's just like, I'm a lot. It's a lot. I was a lot. I hope you're listening, Ali. Yeah, it was a lot. So you're listening, Ali. Yeah, it was a lot. So I got to find a new cobra. Really?

Keep the name cobra. I was just going to go assistant. Just keep switching out cobras. Like, we're getting to get to a topsy. Yeah. The, um, you'll see if you can catch one. Yeah. What about choke?

And this is how I die. Oh my god. That would be such a good pass. See how high you can go though. Okay, ready? No. All right. Oh, that was on the tongue. It was on the tongue.

Oh, it's two together. Yeah, dude. That's solid right there. Someone cut together like a 1980 1980s best friends montage. Besties. And then throw a couple alley ups in there. Like I wanna see Gary Payton, the Sean Camp, you know, same kind of trajectory.

And I wanna see some viewing parties of you with your best friend watching this together. Why don't we have a tour together? You wanna tour together? So badly, dude. I love that. You know what we should do it? We should do it on our, like, because we're both going to shoot.

And then we're going to be like, oh shit. And there's going to be a point in early 2020 when we each have like 30 minutes. Yes. That's when we should do some dates together. Fuck, yes. That'll be fucking awesome. Let's do it. Let's do it. I mean, that'll be fucking great.

I mean, it's all new material. We'll do like casinos and shit. You know where it doesn't like leather. I love that, dude. Yeah. Let me go out to the bars after we're in parties with everyone. Yeah, you can. Why don't you do that?

You don't like, you don't like, I just, I was reading about smallpox last night. Yeah. Deadwood. And so, and I was like, dude, I'm a honey pot. If there's a new disease out there, I'm the one getting it. Your idea of a post show, come down, is literally my anxiety.

I love that it gives you anxiety. I love that it gives you anxiety. Do you realize how I've met six people on this tour so far? Shut up. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I only meet people if they're at the stage door when I enter or leave.

For real? Yeah. Then some of them do, and I'm super nice to them, but I don't do any type of, I mean, so wait, you do a big fucking theater, and then you go, go to Mickey's like that. Dude, dude, dude, dude. One of my favorite things in the world, I love it.

I go, I always go, what's a good bar, do when we go to Boston. So crazy. There's a bar that maybe holds 200 people and it is crammed packed with at least 600. What happens with you when you're at this? Just, it's like being a joint in jail. Like, I get passed around.

And then, you're in a lot of people's mouths, people are kissing you. And you love it. You love it? I like it because I'm that guy. I'll tell you what, my daughter's softball team on the championship. This girl in a cold.

Did you tell her your like, this was not because of you. You tell her that, I don't know. No, I told her it was because of her because she cheered really hard. I love you, Georgia. She's gonna see this in college and be like, are you? That's what he was saying about me. I love it. It's gonna take her five years to figure out you too. It'll be her and her friends. Hey, your dad's on here with Tom Segura.

Yeah. Oh my god. look how skinny Tom was. Yeah. Yeah. Georgia, this girl Nicole fucking won the game. I love this kid, man. She fucking rocks. I love her because she's a shit talker and a fucking baller. She plays like left right field.

She's a lefty. She can crush the fucking ball, right? Yeah. And she is just so focused, I've never really seen, in my life I've never seen women focused at sports this way. You know, like I'm so accustomed to it being a guy thing. And when it's guy, it's such a male aggro mentality, but you see a woman focused, it's a different energy.

Man, she gets up, runner on games tied, runner on first and second, she gets up two outs, two strikes, one ball, rub her hand on the dirt, looks at the crowd, gets up, crushes the fucking ball, hits a home run, but it's a weird home run, say over through third, so she got to take home. When she got the third, she grabbed a handful of sand, looked at the crowd and just did that. And I went, that's not fucking dude, such a gangster move. The end of the game. And you're like, I want her at the end of the game. At the end of the game, I'm with Leanne and I'm like, and she's like, Hey, don't say anything. You don't have to say

anything in the call. I was like, I'm definitely talking to her. Like, I'm definitely going to congratulate her and tell her I thought it was a great game. I'm gonna have a moment. Like, that's what I do. Because I'm that person also. Yeah. The person was say, how did me have to the show? I, it was so uncomfortable.

Cause Leanne said that to me. And then the call walk by, I was like, yo, Nick, and she just didn't notice me. I was like, okay. And Leanne's like, Bert, let it go. And I was like, no, I'm not done yet. Hold on, Nick, Nick, Nick, no, great game. Fuck, killed it. Oh, why'd it go? And like, but that's so go. And I was like, no, I'm not done yet. Hold on, Nick, Nick, Nick, great game. Fuck, killed it, oh, way to go.

And like, but that's so me. You need that. I need that, I need that connection. So I understand that people need it also. I guess I understand. I mean, it does give me an exact. If you are the kind of person that could go to one of those games and just, or like, see a celebrity and not say anything,

then it totally makes sense that you would be like, yeah, that's who I am. So that's how I want to be. But I am not that person. I get that. I've not once seen a celebrity. Here's you would be like, yeah, that's who I am. So that's how I want to be, but I am not that person like that. I've not once seen a celebrity. Here's what would be fun to me. Okay. I could go to the after show thing

if I knew you're there, and I know where the exits are. Yeah. Like if I could hang out with you in that situation, I'd be like, because I could enjoy you being the, the, you know, master of ceremonies. Oh, yeah. And like hang out with you, but not alone. No fucking way. I need to be with somebody who is

a bigger personality wise in that situation. I don't feel comfortable just being like, hi. Oh, dude. Yeah, I don't want, I don't want any part of it. Yeah, I love it. I like going to the room and just like watching TV and then have, are you know what I actually do love on a one show night? Reading books, push ups.

I don't know, all the shit I hate. On a one show night, which is rare because I had so many shows, but on a one show night, I will, One show night, let me remember what those are like. Okay. On those nights, I love finding a good restaurant in town. I'm serious, I'm just going like,

post-showed meal, it's the best. Oh, I heard someone talk about me one time. It was Marin. Yeah. I didn't even realize I said it, but I do this all the time. Is I would just go into it. This is like right when I first started touring, I just go into a venue and go, what's good here?

And then I kinda go, what are you guys known for? Maybe like, Coneys. I go, here's a hundred bucks, give me a hundred of them. And they're like, huh? And I go, give me like, whatever you're big for, give me like, fucking fill the room with it. And I get fucking Coneys. What's your best pizza?

We're deep dish? Oh dude, we get in 10 deep dishes. And it was only like four of us on the road. And I would, but I would just, I got, start giving it to people. I mean, I got Savo Conno in it. I was like, what's big here? I was free at where we were, and they were like,

oh, you know what's great here is dot, dot, dot. And I was like, here's a hundred bucks, make it rain. I love that feeling. I love that feeling. But I don't know. Maybe that's the one thing when I finally go to rehab, they'll be like, yeah, you gotta dial that back. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I would think- Do you see that in the future though? Rehab. Yeah. No. Not even like in a few years. No. I don't know but my problem isn't one thing.

It's everything. It's like they did rehab for that too. No. I think what'll happen. I can see I can feel it. I don't know. I don't know. I'm fucking finished can feel it. I don't know. I'm fucking finished another one.

Let's kill it. Fucking ghosty. Wow. No, I don't have a problem with drinking. I don't know. I don't, I've talked, I would love to go to rehab. I would love it. I would love that focus on me for one month. You would love it.

I would love it. You should do it just as like an exercise. Go to like one of the Malibu ones. I would love to do it. It's like a fucking vacation. For a bit. Yeah, great, but you're gonna get a new hour out of it. Dude, that's how you get the new hour. Yeah, go to rehab. Yeah. My buddy won to do it. It's like a fucking vacation. For a bit. Yeah, great, but you're gonna get a new hour out of it.

Dude, that's how you get the new hour. Yeah, good rehab. Yeah. My buddy went, my buddy's been rehabbed. And then you shoot the special, and the special goes like amazing. And at the end of the special, when you say thank you, they wheel out a cart of dues and drugs.

Problem is you never bounce back from rehab. Really? No. No one's ever like, no one's, maybe that sounds wrong, but like, you're looking like Benaflack, right? Yeah. Benaflack is never gonna be able to like, Is that Benaflack?

Yeah, Benaflack, Benaflack, Benaflack, Benaflack. Okay. But like once you go to rehab once, you're fucked. Yeah. You can't party ever again. That's true. And I don't ever wanna be that guy. I would just sit.

I don't ever wanna be that guy. Yeah. just sit. I don't ever wanna be that guy. Yeah. I'm sure that would go well. It's the right one. First day of rehab. Here's a problem, I'm not cool with this idea. Is it now I can't party? Yeah, that's a whole gig burden.

That's what they want. Yeah. I just wanna like, like who doesn't wanna hit a vape pen every now and then? Yeah. You know? Well, maybe, maybe. Oh no.

Hey. Oh, Tom killed his. Yeah, but you're the man. Oh, I'm a man. Thanks so much. I'll be right back. Okay, thanks. By the way, it's just like the,

I like that your gaze is stronger. You're like, it's the third time and this time you went. There's so many differences in younger women and older women. Tell us. Like a declotage. What?

Declotage, the area right here. You love that. No, it's just like, it's like, it's like, it's like, you're like blousing. You said you like the blousing. I used to like down blousing, yeah. Down blousing. Down blousing. What a blousing, just, yeah.

Yeah, I'm glad I'm playing basketball. What are you into now? Do you have a new genre? No, I haven't been in a porn. I've been on, I haven't really jerked off in a really long time. What? Yeah, it just kind of pulled back. I don't know.

And I can't really connect with porn at all. Why not? I haven't, I don't know. I've been on the road a lot in Europe and I didn't have time. To what? It's not like a weekend at the funny bone. What do I need to know about?

Thank you so much. Do you know what a declotage is? I sure do. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. You're welcome. Ha ha ha.

That was great. That was, you know what that was like. Ha ha ha. That was like when you're out of bar. And like a cute server comes off. And someone's like, hey, and she's like, go fuck yourself. Ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha. I sure do. Oh man, thank she's like, go fuck yourself. Ha ha ha ha. I sure do. Oh man, thank you. Oh, that was so great. One of my favorite terms is a sloppy decletage. Uh huh. That's what all women get. Oh, there's wrinkles. Yeah, in the milk. Yeah, like it.

I love a sloppy decletage. No one says that. I do. Yeah, I love a sloppy decletage. Like a little wrinkle. Oh, like an Arizona decletage. Where they just, they didn't know that this meat was gonna get all fucking wrinkly.

Yeah, I like it. Yeah, I love it. Well, you didn't, you haven't jerked off in a long time? In a long time. Does it, doesn't bother you? You know. No, no, it hasn't. The last time I jerked off was in Amsterdam

and I just couldn't get it going. That's probably a good health sign. I was like, I was like, I was like, I know what's up. You don't get, I get pent up with rage after... No, no, no, I don't get pent up with rage. Wait, what do you mean? Like if I haven't cleared the pipes in one way or another. Wait, do you ever throw a temper tantrum that you're not having sex?

Not, no, not directly like we're not having sex. But what happens is I start to be like the fucking thing is wrong and this shit's all fucking stupid. And then, you know, if I'm with Christina, she'll be like, you need to get milked. How often do you guys, how often do you guys have sex? Well, when we're around each other? No, no, no, when you're part.

You know, I'm saying because it's a, No, no, no, when you're part, how often do you say? When we're part. On the road, I'm pretty good. It's kind of a bang, but... Well, at times someone asked me, have you ever had a toy in your ass? And I said, sex toy and they go,

it doesn't matter. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha times a month. Yeah, but not when we're out like two weeks out of time. I'm six times a month, definitely. Wedge, I had twice the other day. With Christina? Yeah. What the fuck? What's up, man? Did you want to purse or something?

No. I was just like, twice. Yeah, I was just, I'm 40, twice. Ah! Yeah, I was just, I'm 40, bro. I remember I had a buddy. I had to work for that second one. I'm not gonna lie, but. I had a buddy who, first one was fast.

Started dating this chick. Oh, first one. Oh my God. Dude, I'm so sorry. You do this. I think someone's breaking into my house. Yeah, I was like, do you hear that? The sprinklers are on, let me go turn them off.

Yeah, Leanne stole my orgasms for a period of time and I was fucked with my head. What? She was talking when I had my orgasm, she'd say something. Oh, and it was fucking stealing the feeling which which is saying like we got to pair a mortgage or no No, no the first time I was about to have an orgasm and she saw it happening my eyes and she went oh look at him Oh, God exactly and I was like do don't do that like don't talk don't say a fucking word like if you see me having orgasm Shut your fucking mouth those are eyes

Fucking say shit Say shit when you're about to come cops like what the fuck? And now that's horrible. Yeah, and so horrible and so that isn't that like natural You know to shut the fuck up everybody does right when you see an orgasm You're not like that's gonna feel real good happening Fire in the hole. Oh my God.

Yeah. And so, and then, and then she did it again. The next time we did it, I was about to have an orgasm and she was like, oh, you have a hair on your face. And I was like, oh, and it kind of threw me off. And then I started, I'm not to fuck up other people's orgasms, but I started when I started getting close, my brain started yelling weird shit,

like just like the worst things you could think of and I was like, oh fuck. And word? No. Oh. Do you know what, not going there? What? Nothing, nothing.

All right. We were talking, I was talking, I was talking to my black friend the other day. I was talking to two black guys, right? And we were talking about, it was on the bar, are the pads? No, no, no, no. It was, okay, tell you something crazy. Yeah.

I have a friend who said he goes, I've never said the N word of my entire life. I go, that's bullshit. He's like, no, I swear to God, I've never said it. I've never said it once. I said, you've never, like, I'm not saying, you used it. I'm saying, said it. Everyone said the word. Like, you've never said it and he goes to God, I've never said it. I've never said it once. I said, you've never, like, I'm not saying, used it. I'm saying, said it. Everyone said the word.

Like, you've never said it and he goes, no, I've never said it. I was like, everyone said, how old is this person? 43, I'm gonna go, that's bullshit. I can't believe that. And he goes, no, it's swear to God. So we go to Pats and we're with Omar Dorsey, you know Omar? Omar Dorsey and, and Tone Yeah. Omar Dorsey and, uh, and Tonbelle.

Mm-hmm. I'm all hanging out. And, uh, I, I don't know in what capacity this happened. Oh my god. But the guy's telling a story and in the story, this guy says the N word. By the way, he had just said to Omar and Ton, I've never said the N word.

And they're like bullshit. Every white guy said the N word. And he goes, no, I've never, I'm one of the few guys and I defended him. I go, he's a fucking lawyer. He grew up in Santa Monica. I promise you, he's never said the N word. Five minutes later, he says the N word. He's drunk.

He doesn't even realize he says it. I tell him the next day, you fucking said the N word to two black guys and he's like bullshit. We're counting the bag and he's like, God damn it, I guess I did. I only fuck. That's strike one. Yeah, I was like, you said it to baggy. He's like, God damn it. I guess I did. I only fuck that strike one Yeah, I was like you said it to black people. Yeah, fuck, but um, I

Think that was a story. I was gonna talk. Oh, no, no We were talking about we were talking about I'll never mind. I'll tell you privately. Okay. Don't forget. I won't it's a good one. This is a good story How often are we gonna do this? I think we can do it. This is super easy. Yeah. We could bang out to these a month easy.

Okay. And then do it twice a month is, is, is, is, That's a fair commitment, right? Yeah, very fair. And if it, if it starts blowing up, we can do more, but it's not, I mean, two a month is easy, and I think they're fun, I think it's a treat. Okay, cool.

It's like a donut or a Tino's in the morning. Yeah. Okay, here'll be the deal, okay? Okay. Every time we do these, I'll ride my bike here. Okay. And then that will award me to drink any donuts. That's so, that is a good deal.

Yeah. And then what are you gonna do? And then I'll meet you here. And you'll organize it? Yeah. You'd realize you're turning into a grown-up. Am I? Hard fucking core.

You've leaned into being a grown-up more than way more than I have. Like, in what's your way? When we met, you are definitely a grown-up. But how am I a grown-up? What do you mean? Like, what are you gonna do now? Gonna work out class?

I'm gonna pick up my kid from school. Ugh. What should I do? Leave him there? No, it's called Uber. Just have Uber. Yeah, he's three and a half. You must be you, huh? I'm looking for a three year old.

You see your son with this fucking notebook? Just his backpack on? Wait, how else am I grown up? You just, everything about you's a grown up. Really? Yeah, yeah, you said grown up things to me like two years ago that now grownups are saying to me and I'm like, oh yeah, I should have done that.

Okay. No, I fucking heartburned. I was so healthy. When I got here, I was in great shape. I gotta go to the bike. I was down, I lost 13 pounds. Look, you want to see my fucking weight loss? Look at this weight. 13 pounds in three days? Yeah, that's not normal. Look at what's the name of our

Jews, the Wittings scale? The what? Wittings scale. I don't know what that is. It's a scale, it's it's countability. Here I'll show you. Look at my weight loss. Today I was, I was guessing that totally. Do you got up to 260? Here, hang on. Let's see if I can see the... Okay.

Here we go. You can see my weight loss is right there to there. Let me see this. So people, I don't know if You can see my weight loss is right there to there. Let me see this. So people, I don't know if you can see it, but there's a spike. That's called Europe. That's the weight going up in Europe? Yes, Europe.

And then the drop off. I'm gonna be in Europe during sober October. No. Yeah. I finish. Here's the thing. I get to do the UK in November, but I do the first dates in October. Cause I do Budapest, Paris, Amsterdam, Antwerp.

What are we gonna do for so, Brock, October and the year? I have no idea. We need to start getting it the idea, can I tell you what I think? What? Hip-hop dance. What? Like a learn of dance? Hit learn hip-hop dance. You think it's a show? We'll do that. We'll learn hop dance. What? Like learn a dance? Hit learn hip hop dance.

You think it's a show? We'll do that. We'll learn a dance. Hey, can you pull up, can you pull up, look, and what each have to do one of these dances and we put them online and we find out who's the best? Okay, I'm gonna tell you, Oh Joe had Tommy Chowin on today?

Yesterday. Do you ever see those little girls who do dance classes? Do you think Joe would do this? Hold on. Um, there's a girl? Okay, I need you to find this video, okay? Yeah, look at these dance classes. We each do one dance and we put them up online,

but we gotta learn a dance for the whole year month. What's Missy Elliott? Missy, this girl Ashling be posted a video of this girl doing a dance a long time ago and it was so great, but I want you to save telling this to Joe for a podcast. Yeah, because I want to see save telling this to Joe for a podcast. Yeah, cause I want to see his reactions so badly. Joe's never doing hip-hop dance. Which is like, why are we?

Well, it's gotta be something we can take on the road with us. I know. So it's gotta be something you can travel with. Yeah. Pull up one of those dances. Pull up one of those girls on Instagram dancing. Put in Instagram, put in hip hop dance. Or we can also just wrap it up.

Instagram, hip hop dance. My daughter's and I follow all these girls and then we went to a dance class together. And it's the place that we've been following them and they do it with, oh here we go, hip hop dance videos. No, you need a girl to dance studio, girl to dance studio, go down to the one with the girl with the red hat. This is what we're gonna do.

Okay, let's see. This is it. Yeah, I see, so they're a girl, yeah, I could see us doing that as a four-some. You need to use it. Yeah, I see. So they're a girl. Yeah, I could see us doing that as a forceum. You need to use two individuals and we learn a forceum dance. Think how viral our forceum dance on that? No, it'll go viral. But, man, yeah.

This is a great idea. Yeah, we do hip hop dance. The Body Shots World Tour is all over the world. Adding shows the Fall Tour was just announced. Is the website still burperperpert. Burperpert.com. Burperperpert.com. Listen to the Bert Cast. Follow him on social media. At Bert Kreischer, I'm doing the take it down tour. Dates added all over the place. Make

sure to go find him. Hey, you never really commented on my revamp of your tour announcement. Oh, that was really fun. It was fucking great. It was great. It was by the way, can you just play that to take us out and that'll promo Tom's dates?

That's one of my favorite fucking edits I ever did. I called you though. I just, I didn't, I called you about it. I don't think I answered. I don't think I talked to you about it. No, we talked. For real? Yes.

We talked to that. Keep going down. Scroll down. So what he did is he took my, I ended up having to pay someone to get to the, now there, there it is, right? No, that's not it. No, in the middle with the helicopter. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. This is, I'm gonna, so he, he re-tour is the biggest tour I've ever been. The Machine from Auremick. We're about to announce the second half of this world tour. Tom Square, take it down to our new shows worldwide. And he'll be getting there on a helicopter, a fucking helicopter.

Move over Magnum BI. All shows will sell out and they better, as he's got a fucking jet. Can you believe it? We'll be following him down hallways on stages, back on his jet. And of course, you know Tom will be spending lots of time with the gym. That's what take it down stands for, take it down donuts, any clairs, because someone's hungry. No, we're too short. You're going too short, make sure you go up with my hobby times to throw it on the take it down to where we take it. Oh.

Two short plugs down. Dude, I was gonna fuck around with two short, but I like him so much. Yeah, yeah. Did you like that? That was hilarious. I used his biatch in the middle because, by the way, the jets were in an airport hanger. They weren't on jets. I was actually flying out of fucking serious.

Yeah. They gave me a tour. Fucking Daniels, Harry and serious? Yeah. They gave me a tour. Fucking Daniels, Harry and Motherfucker. They gave me a tour and I was like, I just throw it in. But there you go, that's brave. Yeah, that's fucking brilliant. All right, this was a lot of fun, dude.

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