2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 02 - 2 Bears 1 Cave 2w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: July 15, 2019

Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer are back for Episode 2 of 2 BEARS 1 CAVE! The two best friends get right into the stories, discussing Ralphie May, Joy Koy, Greg Giraldo and Jim Norton. Plus, Tom recaps all of his Theo trolling from the past few months. Who would be at the ultimate comedian slumber party? Bert's daughter is starting to drive, which is getting dicey, and everything wraps up in a strip club.

Hey, before we start this episode of Two Bears One Cave, Philadelphia, I'll be performing at the Met July 27th. Tickets are still available at Berper Berk.com. Let's start the show. He's Berk, Chrysher. I'm Tom Segura. At... This is Two Bears One Cave.

The show... That almost didn't get recorded because they forgot to turn the cameras on. Tom goes, Tom goes, hey, should there be red lights on those? And they're like, good call. Do you know what a double punch is? A double punch? Yeah.

Is it like a double jab? No, no, no, it's a thing in camera terms. It's when they double punch. So they turn it on and then they turn it off. They forget that they're recording and they turn it off. Oh. Have you had that on a shoot? Oh, have I had that on a shoot?

I've had that on a bungee jump. I've had that on a, I've had that on a shoot? Oh, have I had that on a shoot? I've had that on a bungee jump? I've had that on a, I've had that skydiving, I've had double punches all the fucking time. And they're like, hey, bird, that was double punch or our bad dude again? Again, this is exactly what it is. You get done and you're everyone's like, oh, that was fucking amazing, amazing.

And there's one guy with a look on his face that has a secret and he's just like, and you're like, what's up, Andy? And he's like, dude, I never do this. I double punched and everyone's like, ah, we're the go pros rolling. Dude, I've had double punches on go pros. I've had double punches on everything.

Wait, this is what happens is that they hit it and then instinctively turn it out like. No, they punch it and to record. And either they forget that they hit it and then instinctively turn it out like no they they punch it and to record and Either they forget that they've hit record or it was already recording and they forgot and they hit again I think they think they're recording now, but they just turn it off So they've got the cameras up there's no way for them to know and they record the whole thing dude. I've double punch shit Dude, I wonder how many people have double punched homemade porn and don't know the term. They just call themselves a fucking idiot.

Wait, you double punched a homemade porn? No, I wish. I wish, Leanne. Would she let you record? Uh, no, no, no, no. No, you know what I got in trouble for? Is I would face timer. Yeah.

And I would be like, just show me your tith. She'd show me and I'd record it. And then I phone started going, a picture has been taken. And you're like, what the fuck, iPhone? Do you not have wives? Fucking Steve Jobs, he was still alive, would not allow that. So you would show you the Teddy-O FaceTime though.

Yeah. Wow. Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm. How much sex are you having right now? Not a lot. You said six times a month. I know lately it's been nil. Lately we've been fighting a lot. What are you having right now? Not a lot. You said six times a month. I know lately it's been nil. Lately we've been fighting a lot.

What are you fighting about? You name it. You're gone a lot. No, I'm around. Oh. Oh. What? Dude, me around the house is fucking exhausting.

I could see that. We got to a fight the other night because I came back from, I came back from a sober October podcast. It was high. And we got into a fight about the pronunciation of turmeric. Wait, did she not know about the R? No, she didn't know about the R. And I said, hey, I got you guys, we are at our friends house

and I bring it in, I put a big bag of it down, they give me a bag of it and I go, guys, I got you turmeric and we are at our friends house and I bring it in, I put a big bag of it down, they give me a bag of it and I go, guys, I got you turmeric and they're like, you're saying it wrong. I go, no, actually, I'm saying it right. And the answer gets turmeric and I go, easy. It's written right there and I go, Georgia, read that for me and Georgia goes, turmeric, I go, no, it's turmeric.

And they're like, no, you don't pronounce the R, I go, no, I'm pretty sure you pronounce the R and then it turned into, you guys don't know anything, none of you are on your phones, you don't research anything, no one I'm pretty sure you pronounce the art and then it turned into you guys don't know anything. None of you are on your phones, you don't research anything, no one's listening to podcasts, everyone can go fuck themselves. I'm the king, I get the big dick who am I fucking?

I wish they had that, I wish they had that in like, I always compare you and- You gotta be easy to be in a relationship with. Dude, I am. I got $260 worth of Chinese food last night. Wait, just because you just wanted everything? I can't say no. Yeah.

Like, can I start going, but wait, you want a little bit? For the turmeric, did you leave the podcast or do you then go buy? No, no, no, no, no. One of Joe's guys gave me a bat. I was bragging about that coffee. I'm drinking it right now. I was bragging about how great that coffee was

and he goes, it's the turmeric and I was like, oh, where do I get that? And he was like, hold on. And he goes, we got a bond texture and he gave me a bag. Dude, I fucking love it. Dude, I keep calling him Lance Armstrong. Laird Hamilton's coffee is fine.

I want the fucking, because I think there's butter in it And his coffee grounds are better, but yeah Last night George had some friends over and they're like we want Chinese food And I was like what do you guys want? They're like just the shrimp popcorn shrimp And I was like okay, and then I got scallops and I got flaming you on freestyle Does when you order big style like that, does it make Leanne crazy? Oh, insane.

She's like, you're in some place cool. She starts off with going like, look how many chopsticks they gave us. They think there's 40 people here. I've had that for sushi orders. She could be. You know who was the best of that was Ralphie. Ralphie could order some sushi.

I remember Ralphie did a special at the laugh factory. This is all word of mouth, okay? He did a special at the laugh factory and they did a spread of sushi for like craft services and Ralphie just pulled up a chair to the craft services table, put on a bib, got some chopsticks, just go, oh, play it, get yourself a chair, play it. You know who told me a story like that? It was Charlie Murphy. I went out to dinner with Charlie Murphy. And he took me out to dinner.

It's like one of my favorite things that's ever happened, especially because his buddy didn't want me to come. Like you could just tell, he was like, who's the white boy? He's like, he's coming, he's coming. So we're sitting there talking about, just, I don't know, I think it was talking about food and Bruce Bruce came up and he's like you know, I did one of them

Big theater shows was like five cats on the same show and they have they had the catering table and there's like a mountain Like a thousand wings and Bruce Bruce just put a chair Tuck some shit in his shirt He ate them all Like he ate like hundreds of wings and we talked to people like yeah Man, what's up and then just sat there at the catering table Oh, I kind of want my body to just go let go it like that far like go just something like where everyone's like No, that's this thing he's the fat guy. It would be, can you imagine? As if everyone hasn't tweeted me,

no, that actually is your thing. No, that's actually your thing. Why don't you believe you're saying that? But imagine if you were just like doing all the same shit you do right now, but you were 450. See, I'm still holding onto my tits. Like I'm still holding on to like lose the weight, get my body looking okay.

Should you leave, do you live in the delusion day? You're gonna edit right there. Yes. I do not need to continue that sentence. You will be in really good shape at like, in your mind you're like, I'm gonna be in really good shape at some point. Actually later today, yeah.

By Friday when we go to Bali. Can I tell you something. I live in that to be... That's it. I do. I believe. I'm going to the gym from here. And like part of my mind is like, yeah,

I'm going to be shredded pretty soon. Oh, dude. I know it's not going to. You know what I do? You know what feels better to me than working out, buying new equipment. Buying what? Buying new equipment.

Like gym equipment? Yeah, like going to five-star and go, you know what I mean in a sauna suit? Yeah, I bought the best sauna suits. I work out the sauna suits. It's so great for your body. What's your workout like right now? Right now four miles a day on that fucking cont treadmill I have,

and I saw him suit it up. Dude, that's a lot of work every day. In a saw-n-a-suit, too. Brenny Shob told me yesterday, they're really bad for you. And I was like, yeah, but you get off the treadmill skinny. And he goes, it's not real weight loss. I just water weight.

And I went, it's still skinny. And he was like, okay. Did he use those? Yeah, they used them to drop weight. Cause you can drop, you can drop like 12 pounds of water weight. Do you remember the weigh-ins when we did that? The most unhappy I've ever been in my entire life.

No, they were horrible. But I'm saying we got, we didn't, we were like, shh, we got on the scale at the end of, like eating and drinking. You know what I mean, we weighed ourselves, and then we started to drink because we had cut water, and I put on nine pounds in a couple hours, and you put on 11.

Dude, I remember the feeling we had when the podcast started, and I hadn't had water in like 24 hours. It was horrible. And I was just going like this, going, I remember the first sip of water. Can I tell you, so I lost, this is the water bottle you gave me.

Yeah. But I lost it. So I went to this company, same company, and I bought another one, and they're not as good as they were making them three years ago. Really? Yeah, they don't hold coldness the way they used to. Oh, but that's what I have.

This what I lost it in fucking Vegas this weekend. This water bottle is the best water bottle. How do you lose it in Vegas? I was fucking, I landed and I was supposed to go to a pool party so I went into the bathroom to change and I put my water bottle by the toilet and everything was white and it just disappeared. Did you gig this weekend?

Yeah, Vegas. Do you like it? Yeah, Vegas is weird for me because I I'm ended up partying pretty hard with Joe Koi. So that was fucking blast. You? Yeah, you want to know something funny? We go, Joe texts me, he goes, hey man, we're club ex-ass or club ex-al or ex-ex-ex- anything. Whatever. So we get in and it's like bottle service, it's tables, it's like all really beautiful people, Joe's fucking whole family's there. So I get up on the table with Joe and we're partyin',

we're drinkin', and people are like looking at us because we're standing on a table, we're standing above a table. And then I just rip my shirt off, and the club goes nuts, people are taking pictures, Joe's laughing. We're there, I'm standing shirtless for probably 45 minutes and a bouncer comes up and he's like,

hey man, I gotta have you put your shirt on. And I was like, and Joe starts going, it's the machine and the guy goes, I know, I know. Actually, can I get a picture with you before you put your shirt on? I go, yeah, sure. So Joe grabs the camera, takes a picture

of me and the bouncer and the head bouncer sees that his guys not doing his work So he comes up and interrupts and grabs him by the arm and goes, hey man. I'm gonna need you I didn't know you keep it off really and I kept my shirt off for the whole fucking night Jesus man, dude. That's my now that's living my dream. Yeah Yeah, I do believe I will be skinny one day. I think about that So much do you know Do you know how disappointed people will be if you cover up one day? Like if I'm saying, I'm not saying like doing a spot.

I'm saying like a big show. Like I imagine now that the people that go, they're like, they're like, they're like, they wanna have a good time and laugh, but they're looking up, they're like, they're sure it's coming off, right? Do you got it? There's no off, right? Do it, God. There's no way, there is no way I could do it.

Can I tell you Mike, but this is what I'm concerned about. I'm concerned that if I do another special shirtless, which I will, I'm afraid that it'll pop up and people will go, oh, I've already seen that one. Yeah, but you know what, you address that in the marketing meeting with them about the stills and about that. Oh, I thought you were gonna say

with a crazy haircut. And you can do that too. You can do that too. A big party. I think you should open like this. On your next special, when you come out, you start, you do a joke, and then you go, yeah, it's staying on guys, it's the new, it's me now.

And just have them all just go like, boo! And then, guys, guys, guys, I want to talk to you about politics real quick. Guys, guys, hold on, I think gun control and a woman's right to her own body. Hold on, guys, guys, what are you doing? Oh, fuck it!

Rip it off, kill a beer. My gun, my kids are dumb as fuck! Yeah. Dude, that'd be huge. Dude, I can take a shirt off so fucking quick. I know, you just take a look at this. I mean, it comes off so fucking quick. That's so fast. Yeah.

Like, here's me. You know what, I was so funny. I was talking to Brian Callan, and we were talking about, you're still working on your shirt. Did you guys, did you do their show yesterday? I did Fighter in the Kid yesterday. I was talking to Brian Callan, but the way I have a number of theories I want to run by you.

I was talking to Brian Callan, and he was saying, you know, one of the things that fucked my career when I was younger was that I cared whatever one thought. He said that and I agreed and I was like, dude, I cared. I'd go into an audition and just want to not stand out. Does that make sense? Like I remember wanting to just be like, that guy's good and then guys would go in

and just go, like, I told him to go fuck themselves. They couldn't book me and then they'd book you and I'd be like, how does that would go in and just, I told him to go fuck themselves. They couldn't book me, and then they'd book it, and I'd be like, how does that work? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think when I started to truly become myself is when I started performing with my shirt off, and it was just like, fuck it, that's who I am. It's my personality, it's definitely me.

And there's times where in my head, if there's certain people like, more successful than me than after me, I won't take my shirt off of the store, because I don't wanna like, I know, more successful than me than after me. Like I won't take my shirt off at the store because I don't wanna like, I don't wanna run. Got you. There's like Ron White. I was humiliated one time.

David Spade, I won't take my shirt off because I'm like, yeah. But you kind of, but part of you has to go like, you know what, you should just stick to who you are and do it anyway. It's hardest stick to who you are. I really, does that go through your mind? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then like even Joe will always be like, he had to take his shirt off, huh? Like, I'll make a joke about it. Like, if I put him in my shirt on, Joe will be like, oh, finally showing a little self-restraint machine and he'll make a joke about it. But isn't it kind of like, I mean, I'm saying with the specific case of him,

that's kind of the relationship, right? That's your banter. Yeah, between me and Joe, it's fine. But my fear is that those guys like Spade or Norm McDonald or those guys that are like at Joe's level would think the same thing he's thinking to make a joke about it, but they don't know me the way Joe knows me.

Right. So that's where my, I, I had a theory I want to run by you. Okay. Virtue signaling is like the big thing. Yes. And I realized what virtue signaling is. I realized the energy behind it. Have you ever been, have you ever been sitting at your house and you have tickets to sell in a place, right? And you're like, fuck, Philly, the 27th at the Met. I need to move tickets for the second show. And you're like, I gotta shoot like a funny video, I gotta shoot something. What virtue signaling is,

is those people's want to tweet. They're want to post, they're want to speak, but they have nothing of worth to say. So what they do is they tweet, gun control is absolutely fucking ridiculous, we need to get rid of all firearms. And then they go, ah, cool, I tweeted today. Right. It's the energy of wanting to put art out,

but having no artistic insights. Yeah, it's that. And also the desire for the the that approval that comes with saying like here's where I stand. Here's where I stand is like the big thing now where like people just want to know your position on these 10 things. And then they can go like that's who you are. And that's why I wanted to play a game called Virtue Signaling for a Friend.

So you do it on behalf of somebody? We switch phones. Uh-huh. And I get to send it, my, what, my Virtue Signaling for you, and you get to send your Virtue Signaling for me. We just see who gets more traction on it. Everyone's gonna hate us.

Ha ha ha. By the way, this leads into all those bullshit, fucking branding publicity stunts they do that make me crazy. Kevin Hart takes a lie detector for vanity fair. Yeah, yeah. Ask the questions I wanna ask. Ha, ha, ha, ha ask the questions I want to ask

What do you want to ask of? Hey for real. What's it like to work with a rock? Is he a pain in the ass and just watch it? Do you make more money than the rock? Hey for real how many times you cheated on your wife? Dude fucking put the questions I want to ask they're like anytime they're like a duck shepherd But the questions I want to ask they're like anytime they're like a duck shepherd Takes a lot of tractor toss with his wife a Kristen Bell and you know their publicist has vetted that to the They're like no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no Oh, I didn't, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Amy Schumer takes PA's phone and goes through her Tinder. Yes, sure. Oh, how about this?

Tom Segura takes PA's phone and signs them up for Grindr. I'll suck your God, buddy. I would be so good on that. Do you remember what I used to do for you on Grindr? Is I made a profile of you and I used it from my phone. I used your name, Tom Segura. And I put your profile. And so I used it from my phone. I used your name, Tom Sugura, and I put your profile. And so I go on to grind every now and then, and people will be like, hit me up, go, hey man,

you're in my neighborhood. I want to see if you want a party. And I'd always go, actually, I'm gonna be at the comedy store tonight. I want it to confine me. A good prank, a good, like low level prank that you, that doesn't, that the payoff is always like, A good prank, a good, like low level prank that you, that doesn't, that the payoff is always like, is there's nothing better.

Yeah, because you know what that, what you're talking about right there is I think the heart of real comedy, which is just for the fun of it. Like the most fun stuff to do. There's so many comics that don't have fun. Don't have fun. I know, it's the fucking worst.

You know what I like? For me, my favorite thing to do, when you're on the road with a comedian, is just go like, when the waitress comes by here, just be like, hey, I shit my pants. Do you have a pair of pants I can use or something? And if they're like, okay, I'm like, this is a fun person,

or if they're like, I don't want to do that. I'm like, this is a fun person. Or if they're like, I don't want to do that. I'm like, all right, man. One of my favorite things, it's one of my favorite memories, is doing the row with Potter a couple of years ago, and we're boarding, and I go, just tell him you're handicapped and you're blind so you can board first. He is blind.

No, but I mean, be like, go like this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Zombie it down the... Yeah, so he's like, he goes, okay. So I go with him and he puts his hand on my shoulder and I go, he needs help to board. And the person was like, oh yeah, absolutely. I'm, I have a stand right here and I left him there.

Oh, I go, and then I went back to the other boarding line and then when they're like, all right, it's time to board, then they ask someone, like, can you help him? Get down the jeep bridge. Oh my God. So then he walked with a stranger down the jeep bridge. Oh, the commitment to that. This is so great.

That was just for us. That's what I'm saying. Like that's the, if you're like a comic and you don't enjoy those moments, I'm like, you're so great, that was just for us. That's what I'm saying. Like that's the, if you're like a comic and you don't enjoy those moments, I'm like, you're not really. Yeah, I don't understand people who don't get those moments. Like those are the best moments.

I went in the first time I was ever at the seller. I went up to the bar, Greg Dorado was there. And I wanted to order a drink. And the bartender was like talking to someone on the corner. I said to Jim, I said, it was the bartender's name. And he goes, Jim Norton, and he goes, oh, it's Ralph.

I went, Ralph. Ralph. Ralph, and the guy turns, he goes, are you talking to me? I was like, yeah, Ralph, and he goes, Tommy. And I look at Jim, and he is dying, fucking laughing. Yeah, that's fun.

What would be the, what would, let's sing, let's just workshop a few virtue signaling tweets that I would set What would be the best, let's just workshop a few virtue signaling tweets that I would set put out on your phone and we'll get the most traction. The most traction? Well, what's the hottest shit right now? A gun control woman's right. The abortion law, yeah, those abortion laws

are pretty big right now. Okay, now what direction would you take the virtue signaling? Would you go alt-right or alt-left? Oh, definitely alt-left. Oh, okay. Are you saying for the biggest reaction? For the biggest reaction. I think on social media with like our following,

oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right, you're right, you're right. Yeah, a lot of our fans would be like, I agree with you actually, you're on alt-right. I think, yeah, no, I think they would go, I think you'd have to, I think they would go... I think you'd have to go. Now, gun control is the interesting one because that one, you know,

I see, I think that a lot of people that are fans, if you did the alt-right abortion stuff, they would be like, this is kind of, they wouldn't think that, because those laws are fucking kind of insane. Like they're like, no protection for incest and rape. So it's like, if you're like, it's how it's gotta be.

I mean, it's, they're like, no, no abortions for incest and rape in Alabama. By the way, two of the most popular ways to procreate in Alabama, incest and rape. Yeah. And my wife's from Alabama, I can make that joke. Yeah. Not really, but close enough. I think gun control would be the one where you'd lose a lot of the fans. Let's like, where they be like, bro, I remember when I liked you. Peter, I backed up. I backed up. Yeah. I backed up Peter one time.

And I said something about dogs, about hunting dogs, or something about hunting. And then I said to this, and then this guy wrote back, he goes, bro, keep your mouth shut. You don't know what the fuck you're talking about. And I looked at his profile and it's him with his dog. I go, hey, asshole, you're sitting with your dog in your profile picture. And he goes, hey, asshole, read the name of my fucking handle.

And it's West Virginia bird dog hunter. And I was like, oh, yeah, sorry, bro. I mean, if you really wanted to get traction on mine, you could do like some special needs. Oh, tweets. Like, any apology, if you, any apology would like, if you were like guys, I, for the longest time, I have been speaking inappropriately. Oh my God.

You'd be like, what the fuck happened to you, Tom? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, people or people would go like, this is a really particularly mean troll. This is a pretty, really troll. I'm using it. This is a... It was like, he's not serious. I'd much rather troll people than virtue signal. Yeah, of course.

Oh, trolling people is the fucking ultimate. It's so fun. It's like the fun thing we're talking about. Dude, oh. Especially when people just keep dragging along and... Oh yeah. I don't... Dude, I don't mean it's probably, this is gonna come out there, but I've been doing that shit for like this, this Theo stuff, you know, like,

oh god, did you see when I did the one where I go, hey, do you guys have any suggestions of guests we should have on the show? Dude, and it was, Theo, what about Theo? Theo, okay, Theo, okay, Theo, okay. And then I was like, hey, I got your suggestions, we got your top, chessel neck, Sebastian.

They were like, what the fuck, man? Dude, that was all, dude, I did, I got your suggestions, we got your top. Tresel Nick, Sebastian. He were like, what the fuck, man? Dude, that was all, dude, I got that and I quote tweeted it and I wrote, oh, please get at the Miz on. I would love to see him and Christina talk about their days on road rules. And people are like, oh, what about Theo? He was on road rules.

I mean, how dumb are, I mean, that is the fun of trolling, but when the people are like, like, I identify with in those things, like somebody goes, you can see in the comics, someone will be like, dude, you're ignoring us on the, and someone writes to them, don't you think it's obvious? You fucking idiot, like, oh, like that's who I identify with,

the person who's going like, how do you not get this? How do you not get how obvious this is? The best troll ever is Colin Quinn. Oh my God. His whole feed is trolling. It's just trolling people. I love it. I love it.

I may love that more than a funny tweet. Like a good troll. There's nothing like the sound to laughter to wake up to in the morning. Like his shit is just so absurd. Just type in best Colin Quinn troll tweets. I'm sure they have a fucking website. Just Colin Twin, we can actually probably go

through what you were doing, but yeah, just scroll down, scroll, keep going. Yeah, just scroll down, scroll. Keep going. I like when he's like, when he gets real sincere about his craft, you know? Yeah, it was a little bit later. Is he anything about the militaries? Then I will return.

The new special, someone says that we love the new special, we've got room for you on the couch and he goes, then I will return and you'll be on the couch, and I'll be at bed. I'm CQ from the Lost Tribes of the Queens of Belfast, and I expect a hero's welcome in nothing less. All right, that's kind of like not what I'm talking about, but. Can you tell you my favorite, the hardest

I've ever laughed at Colin Quinn, and this is coming up on something's burning? Yeah. I asked, he went to a summer school. I'm, I'm no, I'm telling the story wrong, but I think I'm telling it better. He went to summer school one year in Brooklyn, right? So all the kids, and it was like summer school for kids

that weren't bad enough to go to jail, but weren't good enough to not have to go to summer school. He went to one? He did. And he, and it was all the burrows had to go to this one school. So he's like, imagine the Bronx, Brooklyn, fucking Long Island, New York City. So everyone was dressed differently.

Everyone like, he's like the Guitars, the Italians, the Puerto Ricans, the blacks. He goes, everyone came in, and then at that top one, he's like, yeah. There we go. And he's, and he was like the black kids were the funniest. And I said, really? And he goes, yeah.

He had told this, I made him tell this again. He said, one day, there was a guy in his class named Godfrey, a black kid named Godfrey. And they were all in class, the bell rings, and everyone's about to get up and the door opens, and it's one of Godfrey friends, another black guy. And the guy looked in the room and goes, Hey Godfrey, your dad says, leave the shoes by the door.

He needs them for work and shut the door. And everyone was like, you're so poor, you only have one pair of shoes? Dude, I love you like that. What's this? This is a Colin Quinn tweet. It says, the conflict between Arabs and Israelis is not just about land, but in my opinion, there's a religious aspect that can't be ignored.

This is perfect. This is exactly what I'm talking about. Yeah. No, what else does he have here? Hey girls, if you want to look more appealing to me, forget the push up bras and push up the sides of your mouth. A smile is the new tits. I'm not a racist who believes in white privilege, but I do believe very strongly in white power. Hahaha. Oh, oh. How much of a savage was he with that profile picture?

You know, back in the day. Yeah. Dude, he must have been an a, he's crashing a beer on his head. He's like a fucking young bird. Dude, you know he partied hard as fucking the 80s. Oh yeah. Oh, he doesn't party at all. He went sober.

How much fun would co-kay? Name it. Okay. 10 comedians, me and you are two of them. So now eight comedians. Slumber party and a cabin up in the woods. Just like camp, right? Yeah. And we get one camp, okay, one comedian's the counselor who's like, follow the rules.

Hey guys, lights out, no more talking. Right. Comes in, clicks, name the eight comics that are in the room with us to bus balls all fucking night and then name the camp counselor. All right, well, first of all, it's like, who do you wanna hang out and laugh with, right? David Tal, Colin Quinn. David Tal, Chad Daniels. Chad Daniels.

Todd Glass. Todd Glass. Try to think, hold on, hold on. Who makes you giggle every time you see him? Brian Callum. Callum's a lot of. Callum's just hardcore giggles. You need those snipers.

You need like a one-liner zinger, like a Todd Barry or someone. Yeah, yeah. Now we need a couple girls in there that can bus balls and hold it. You took a bus ball out. I would have said Sarah, but I won't say Sarah, because that's too obvious

Morgan Murphy She's hilarious Morgan Murphy Oh, if you're bringing her you gotta bring Zach with her. Oh my god Zach Cal ifnakis That is the ultimate about a little diversity It's a summer camp Tom So so who's the camp counselor that just gets fucking irate? Man, better be a black guy. Okay.

Who's a very uptight? Not uptight, but like who can be imposing? Alonzo? Oh, no. What if he came in? He was like, shut the fucking lights off. We'd be like, okay. Do those camp evenings where you were set up at night

and just the jokes would keep going. Did I remember being on one of those? And they had someone's dad as the counselor, like the monitor, and he slept in like the adjoining room. And we were just laughing and laughing and laughing. And we kept going and I just remember him going shut the fuck up And I laughed so hard at him saying that I almost fell out of the bunk, dude Just like just an adult yelling at you like we're young like ten

The hardest the hardest I've ever laughed Was my senior year we went to windy gap did you guys go to windy gap? Do you have a young life? Mm-hmm. We went to a windy gap and it was maybe 15 of us, all two different schools, Jesuit and plant, in a men's bunk and Sal, Karenonte got drunk as fuck, okay? And they were sending him home.

So they were gonna put him on a bus and make him take a bus home because he had gotten drunk. And so we were up until six in the morning, no one slapped, we were in six in the morning and they were coming in and out. And they were, this is high school? It was so funny. I remember the hardest I've ever laughed.

They go, Sal, and he's like, Hey man, I don't feel good, Jimmy. Jimmy K's name is the guy's name. Jimmy's like, Sal, I understand that. And he goes, Sal, and he's like, hey man, I don't feel good Jimmy. Jimmy K is the guy's name. And Jimmy's like, Sal, I understand that he goes, Sal goes, Jimmy is Mike here, and the guy Mike, you know, Christian leader comes around right here, Sal, what's up? And he goes, Mike, your mom's a whore.

And just fucking, we're on the floor. We're on the fucking floor. They're like, Sal, tell us who you got drunk with. Tell us who you got drunk with. And he goes, D's, and they're like, D's. Oh, and we are shaking. Yeah. And and he's like, it was D's. I think D's is still out there and we're dying. We're like, wait, wait, wait, wait, and let's out. Give us a last name. D's who? And he's like, D's nuts. And we were,

we're eight, we're 17 years old and we are crying, laughing. I remember this one kid, Mike. I don't remember his last name. He goes hey someone go get Jimmy What by the way we're still up? He goes someone go get Jimmy and so we go go. Hey Jimmy Mike need Jimmy He comes in and Jimmy's like what's the matter? And he's and turns lights on. He's no no no turn the lights off Jimmy I think I have hemorrhoids my ass is burning and he had sprayed hair spray on his ass cheeks and lit them on fire and in the dark We are like, Hoooo! By the way, none of those guys turned into comics. That's what weird thing.

Yeah. It's like that sense of humor didn't translate to like, oh, I'm gonna do this for a living. Yeah. Boomer, do you ever work with Boomer Nichols in Arizona? Why do I know that name? I must have done something with him. Oh, right?

He was so, I forced him to get into comedy. I did my first special and they're like, we use a class clown and I said, no, actually, this guy, Janet. No, mate, did he come with us to the, to the FSU game? No, no, that's Eddie Fernandez. He was the, dude, I knew some of the funniest

fucking people in the world that never did stand up. Yeah No, of course It's and it's so funny because they make you laugh so fucking hard, but it's a different it's a different thing Dude Eddie Fernandez moves out to LA and he would do stuff like there'd be a table full of hot girls And he'd go over to the waiter and he'd go, hey, man Send them a picture ice water with five cups and so the guy would come over He goes this gentleman like to buy you drink and he'd go, hey man, send them a picture of ice water with five cups. And so the guy would come over and he goes, uh, this gentleman liked to buy you a drink. And he'd go, it's on me. And then he'd bring over a picture of water with five cups.

And then he'd go, stay hydrated. And these girls would be like, huh? I remember him going up to girls with a piece of paper and going, can I get your autograph from really hot girls? And I was like, yeah, yeah, sure. They'd sign it and he'd go, who are you? I told you about the time he kidnapped that girl, right? That time he kidnapped the girl? I've never told you this story.

I don't remember. I probably would have remembered another kidnapping story. I was getting ready to graduate. He had already graduated, but he still had his place in Tallahassee. Yeah. It's like a Wednesday night, and we're doing nothing. And he's like, let's go over to the ATO house

or a fraternity was, let's go over to the ATO house, see what's going on. So we're just gonna pull over to the fuck around, take a dip, drink a beer, whatever. And there's a full-bone party and we did not know we're like, we're kind of out of the fraternity system. That was great, it was dipping, remember that? And I was like, we were talking about it yesterday.

I know, you know when I started dipping, it was in Florida, one of One of the guys two days at football. Well, it was, it was, uh, it was, it was during that time, but like, it was the first time I ever did it. I did it driving. And I started to get such a buzz. I was, it is the greatest buzz in the world, especially that first one. And you're like, holy shit, you can do it. Cause I thought you get high forever on it. And I actually, holy shit, you can do it. Cause I thought you'd get high forever on it. And I actually, you know, that burn feels addictive. You know, that when you put in, you feel it tearing up fibers

and your gums and tobacco is flowing into your bloodstream. Man, I fucking, it was disgusting though. Remember, like these right here, just be full of brown water. You ever take a swig of your spit? Temperezona, working with Jay Moore and Walter Gaws. And I decide I'm gonna stay the night. They decide they're gonna drive over the night.

I'm gonna fly home in the morning. We get done this Sunday show, they get in the car. I'm heading over to the bar and I got a call from Walter and he goes, Jay, what the fuck is it talking to you? And I go, what's going on? And he goes, if you ever to talk to you and I go, what's going on? And he goes, if you ever spit in a cup in my car, take it with you out of the car and don't leave it

in the fucking console. Hey, he goes big in the Walter, Walter's a dying laugh and Jay just took a big swaggy or dip a bit. The nastiest dude. I miss dipping so much. We should do an episode where we take a dip. Let's dip and walk people through it.

Let's dip again and let's commit to doing it for a month. I mean, I'm so fucking in. I could quit drinking. I could do dipping. I didn't need to drink. And when I dipped, I didn't need to drink at all. You know, and can I tell you to, you do it more than me.

I had a cigar over the weekend. I won last night. Oh, so this thing is like, I feel like I don't get them enough. I should just fucking commit to it. I need more vices. I could pull back on a couple. You travel, do you travel with your cigars? Do, yeah.

But I don't smoke any on the tour. I smoked one in Tampa for like a promo shoot. But I didn't smoke any on the tour. I smoked one in Tampa for like a promo shoot, but I didn't smoke many. Your pop smokes, right? My dad smokes cigars. All time? Pretty much, I think every day he smokes one, at the end of the day, has a glass of wine

and edible on a cigar. Oh man, that's like a living dude. Yeah, and then he sends me an email about vices and moderation. Oh, that's wrong. Sure thing, Hunter S. Thompson. Yeah. Dear sister's party.

Yeah. Really party? Oh, really? Both? Yeah. Haven't seen them in forever. They, now I haven't seen Annie in forever.

I saw Coddy a couple of times. Yeah, Annie, they both smoke. Like, I remember the first time, like, when Coddy was like 15 or whatever, and we went to Annie's house, I was in college and I come back. I'm maybe like 20, Coddy was maybe 14. I'm 24. Annie's 22. And Annie's got a place in Tampa. And Coddy's like a freshman in high school and they like to join that looks like one of those Tommy Chon ones. And I'm like, and Coddy's just hitting it just,

whew, whew. And I'm scared of marijuana at the time. I'm like, oh, tt, tt, tt, tt, tt, tt, tt, but they party, they'll eat edibles, they fucking. Really? Yeah, I think Annie went to a period but she was eating acid every day in college. Every day?

I remember the first time I was like, she went to school, two went to floor state, for a little bit and then left. She came up to me one time and was like, I was like, hey, I'm maybe a sophomore, she's a freshman, I'm maybe a junior, she's like, hey, what's the deal with drugs? And this is like my moment to be like a big brother to her, I was like, listen, you know,

you don't wanna get lost in it, I have a lot of friends who are smoking too much pot and you wanna always kind of be focused and like achieve your goals, stay good in school. You know, but like for the most part, you know, if you wanna fun, a little fun, you know, it's not bad. Every now and then to take a hit. She was like, okay, cool.

And so then like the next weekend, she's like, A, just, you know, I tried drugs and she was like, really? And she's like, I took a hit of masculine. And I was like, ah, I was like, can I take a hit a masculine? And I was like, ah, I was talking about marijuana. I hit a marijuana. Yeah, she,

she fucking partied. But they were always, they can always do everything in moderation. Like everything. Right. Like they would be like, oh yeah, I don't need it. I'm done smoking.

And then they just wouldn't smoke for a month. Yeah. And drinking, neither of them are big drinkers. Like they'll have a glass of wine, they'll have a cocktail. But then they're like, I'm done. I don't feel good anymore. If you could change one thing about me, what would it be? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Okay, too. I don't know that I would change anything. It's fun.

Do you ever think about getting hair transplant? I think about it all the time. I thought about it a couple of years ago. Can I tell you what like a big deterrent is for me for anything? The effort involved for something. Yeah, I feel the way about working out. Yeah, no, but I'm saying for something that you're like, this is just for vanity.

You know what I mean? I go like, I'm not gonna go fucking have a procedure done. And then they told me like, because there's a friend who had it done. He's like, then you go like once every, yeah, whatever. Six, eight weeks and you see him again and he does this thing to your head. And then I'm like once every, whatever, six, eight weeks, and you see him again, and he does this thing to your head, and then I'm like, dude, all this for hair? Like, nah, I'm good.

I want them to just give, I want to get stem cells in my, I interviewed Steve Byrne about his new movie, Amazing Jonathan. Always amazing. And I go, so like, what did you take out? And he goes, I kept on a lot of stuff. And I was like, really? And he goes, yeah, some stuff that of stuff. And I was like, really? And he goes, yeah, some stuff that I just felt,

it was a little irresponsible that Jonathan was kind of married too, but I was like, I don't wanna, and I go like, what? And he goes, well, he had a good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good Ah! He said he goes, Bert, he, by the way, he, not joking, he goes,

Bert, his toe popped off. Like his toe popped off. Like I guess he had like, what? His toe popped off. What do you mean? He lost, they did it.

And like from diabetes, I could just pops off like, like one of those cheese things. His toe popped off. I might fucking pass out It just pops off it just And so and so Steve said Bert. He shot stem cells into that toe and a nub grew back Can you believe that? And you wanna do this for your hair?

I'm gonna do this for my hair and just have nubs just bada bada bada bada bada What if little fingers grab your head? Do you know how much I love that? You probably would. I would use those fingers for thought bubbles. Like I'd never wear a hat and this would be me. I'd be like, I have an idea.

Ha ha ha ha ha. Do you, I wonder if, wait, what is you, you and you? What would you change about yourself? My ability, I wish I had any ability to shut my brain down and slow it down. Like last night's a perfect example. Perfect example. I don't eat all day.

I'm doing really good on my diet, right? I have a light breakfast, I have some coffee, I go do fight or in the kid. We had a little glass of whiskey there and I go, I'm gonna go home, I got an interview with Steve at my house, he's already waiting and I was like, I haven't eaten, I'm gonna grab one piece of pizza, it's quick, it's not too many calories,

one piece of pizza, I'll eat that, go into the thing. So I do the interview, I come out and all of a sudden it's like, it's like I can hear my brain going, yeah! Like let's start drinking, let's have a cigar, Chinese food, come on, yeah! Like I can hear it and I cannot slow it down. And it's like, I drink a full bottle of wine just by myself, I drink, I eat, I have $260 with the Chinese food, split out on our table, and I'm just like, almost like a prince at an orgy, just,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and just, and I, I mean, even with like the egg roll, you know how they give you the sweet sauce and the mustard? Yeah. I put so much mustard on that that I started choking. Yeah, I could see that. On my first bite, and I fucking finished it. Yeah. Like it wasn't enjoyable.

I'm just like, oh, you're sweating. I'm sweating. Yeah. And I look at like my daughter's plates and they have like, you know, a little bit of rice, a little bit of this, a little bit of that. I wish I had some sense of moderation at all. I can't, I'm kind of like that with certain things.

Like what? Like food? I don't go like, no, that's shit. I mean, like, if I talk to myself into it, I'm like, okay, but like my instinct is to do it like that. Try to tell you, this is a perfect example. This is my brain to a T. George's birthday, turns 15.

Fuck. Turns 15 tomorrow. And, she says that was a close to the... She turns 15? Yes, turn 15 tomorrow. Kind of sweet rider you're gonna get her next year. Oh, I'm getting myself a car Yeah, I'm getting myself a car like a fun car next you can drive one of the bullshit ones we own. Yeah, yeah I'm gonna get myself a fucking car. Congratulations. You got that piece of shit car you've been driving in the whole time It smells like a islands feet. I will be getting a Porsche Wait, are you eyeballing when I'm all here. You can't get me I have like my eye on nine different styles of cars really. I'm looking at like rock climber camper vans

Like I'm looking I'm looking at everything. I want to get a pimped out Because she can drive I want to get a pimped out Sprinter for her. Yeah, so that she can drive, I wanna get a pimped out sprinter. For her? Yeah, so that she can drive me around. I'm thinking about, so we go for... So that she can drive me around. Yeah, like, hey, I need you to drive me to the store and wait, wait in the sprinter, do your homework and I'll be out at two.

So, and it's gonna have like a partition and closes, so I don't have to talk to her. So, this is exactly what's wrong with me in a nutshell, okay? George and I go, what do you want for your birthday? She goes, like a new phone. Her phone is like, whenever we greenlit phones for her, it's the oldest iPhone you can get. Second oldest.

Ilas, they're just whatever iPhones we outgrew. Ilas is the one where they made the big one. It doesn't even fit her hand, just use two hands to hold it. So she never uses it. It stays in her bed. It's like a TV screen for her. So I go to the Apple Store Georgia,

and I go, and Leans with me, and they go, what are you looking for? I said, what's the top of the line iPhone? They go an iPhone XS, and I went, awesome. I'll take it, and they go, how much memory? I go 500 gigabytes, and they're like, cool. I'll take it and they go how much memory I go 500 gigabytes and they're like cool and I go and then George goes, now I got the nicest iPhone in the family and I go, you know what, fuck it, put two in there.

I want one too. And Leanne's like, what I go, I'm upgrading my iPhone. I go, we're going on this trip to Bali. I want to have the best camera I have. I want to have the best camera. I want to have the most memory put two in there. And Leanne's like, oh my God, so I get home. I go to switch over my iPhone.

I take the SIM card out of this one and put it in the new one. And then I take the new one, I go, I'll give this to Ila. Maybe I'll just give this to Ila and I look. I already had an XS. You had the top one? I had the top one. I had the, I bought the exact same fucking phone. I bought the same fucking phone, Tom.

I didn't, I didn't think it through. I just got impulse, I'm like, you give it, wrap it up, take it. I bought the same fucking phone. What car are you gonna get for yourself? I wanna know what you're eyeballing. I have a lot of, I have a lot of, a lot of, like,

at first I was like, I'm gonna get something cool and fun like one of those, like a Jeep, like one of the ones, the, the track hawk one, like the ones with the big wheel on the back and the, mm-hmm, okay. Like kind of like what Joe wanted, and then I was like, oh, you know what I'll get? I'll get a 67 Cadillac convertible,

like a big bodied whale that I can get. That's cool. That's cool. And then I was like, I look at these, and I, like a big, bodied whale that I can fly around town in. And then I was like, I'll look at these. I'm gonna look at a lot. If George and I and Leanne and I are on a text thread where we send cars to each other. Yeah.

Georgia wants, Georgia's like, I think I just want like a, like a Jeep Cherokee. And I was like, how do you make a kid like this? Who's like, that's what they ask for. Dude, she's never had anything but water in her life. What? She's never had anything but water in her life. What? She's never had soda. Never once tasted a soda.

What? Never once tasted a soda. Doesn't like coke. Doesn't never had coke. Won't have it. Probably won't like it. I'm good. Doesn't like juice.

Doesn't like gatorade. Doesn't taste it. Them doesn't like them. Doesn't like anything. She, the only thing that she tasted and shocked me once. We're in, we're in, I forget that, Terra, Terra Nia in, down in, Terra Nia.

Yeah, we're in Terra Nia. Leanne is great. It's great. What? Isn't that place great? Oh, fuck me. Especially if you get one of the cottages, like one of the villas. Leanne and her friends friends Sandy are going in.

We've all been by the pool or whatever. They're going in to take showers. We're all getting ready to go to dinner and Leanne goes, I wouldn't mind like a fun cocktail. And I go, okay, this is still when I had the first level of this one, good one. And so I go, okay, so we don't really have much mixture. So what I do is I take a tangerine, I fill that with ice,

I take a tangerine, and I shake it up crazy, and I destroy the tangerine inside there, right? Peel and I shake it up crazy, and I destroy the tangerine inside there, right? Peel it, shake it up like crazy, throw vodka in there, shake that up like crazy, take that, pour that into a cup with some ice and a little soda water. And I say to George, I can't go in the shower, I go take this into your mom, shower, take this to Sandy.

And George goes, can I taste it? And I was like, well, yeah, but don't think like a big sip, but yeah, you can taste it, because I was like, well yeah, but don't think like a big sip, but yeah, you can taste it. Cause I'm like, she's gonna hate vodka. Yeah. So if she doesn't like soda, yeah, she's gonna hate vodka. And she literally goes like this.

That is awesome. And I was like, oh shit. I was like, motherfucker, she goes, can I have one? And I was like, no, like we're not those parents. We're not those parents at all. But she got dad's jeans, it sounds like. Wait till she, I think about this in both my kids, wait till they have their first drink

and the way my brain went, oh, so we're gonna slow down for a second, huh? I already feel like I know what, like what Ellis is gonna be like. Really? Yeah. Why? What? He's just, he has like, already, he's a smart ass, I know what, like what Ellis is gonna be like. Really? Yeah. Why? He's just, he has like, like already, he's a smart ass.

He has like snark to him. You know, if I'm like, hey, you need, he goes calm down. And I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, calm down. And I go calm down. I fucking love this kid. And I go, don't you, calm down. Don't you tell me to calm down. He goes, ch.

And I'm like, dude you calm down. Don't you tell me to calm down? He goes, ch- Ch- And I'm like, dude, I already can tell. I feel like he, I know he's gonna be like, you know, he's gonna be like 16, like, what kind of car? And I'll be like, you can get like in a cord. He'll be like, have I asked him Martin bitch? And like, he's gonna be a smart ass, whereas Julian's gonna be like, sure dad. Do you know what he goes? Do you know what you know what, this Georgia always wants to drive,

like wherever pulling into the house, she goes, hey can I drive the last little bit? She went at 14 and I'm always like, yeah, yeah. One time, whole. I said to Georgia, I go, hey I gotta move the cars. And she goes, you want me to move the BMW? And I go, yeah, yeah, yeah, move the BMW and then it goes, hold on, hold on.

Don't just put her in a car by herself. I go, baby, all she's doing is backing it up and moving it forward. And she goes, I'd rather someone be in the car with her. And I go, fine. I go, old drip pants over here wants to be in the fucking car with you, Georgia. So Georgia gets in the car with Leanne.

I'm in the truck and I'm waiting for them to back up. And I hear, Georgia, put it in reverse and stepped on the fucking gas and it just it didn't even move the wheel just went and hit the brakes. Leanne looks around. I look back. Georgia's eyes are like this and she's like, both of them out the car. Switz, she's laying back. So I was like, holy fuck. So she spun out, spun out in the fucking driveway. Dude, spun out. Dude, let me ask you this before. I don't know when this is gonna come out,

but we were talking recently about the sober October challenge. What are we gonna fucking do, man? We're gonna do whatever Joe wants. It's clear. It's clear, like. I gotta tell you, I really am into the hip hop thing. I was too, and I think it would be fun, and I think it would be different,

and I think we're all at a level playing field. But I think here's the problem is that, I think Joe's so amassed in dealing with guys like David Goggins and Cameron Haynes and Eddie Isard, and that guy that hiked across Antarctica, that I think part of him looks at it and goes, I don't have the time to commit my life, to go walking across, like I don't have that kind of free time,

but I do have this one month where I get to test myself and push my limits. And I think he looks at us and goes, I want them to test themselves and push their limits. Yeah. I think that's what it's about. And if that's what it's about, I'm fine with it. I don't want to do the running.

I'm fine with the running. Like, I don't dislike it. I actually don't dislike it. I actually don't dislike it. I dislike the no social media, only because Ari doesn't think it through. He's not using his fucking brain. And by the way, he's learning to himself. He goes, I never use social media.

Go on a vacation with him. He's on his iPad the whole time. And then going, hey, can I use your phone? Hey, can you, can you get wifi? How do I get wifi on this? Can I use your phone? Can you, can you get Wi-Fi? How do I get Wi-Fi on this? Can I use your computer? My computer doesn't work. My charger doesn't, he's on social media, non-bucking stop.

He just says he's not, because he's got a T7 phone. So like, I mean, I understand, like I think I'm not on my phone as much as I think people assume. So I don't read comments, I just post videos, put out content, and that's it. Like I'll put out a tweet if I think it's cool. And then I don't read comments, I just post videos, put out content, and that's it, like I'll put out a tweet if I think it's cool, and then I don't read comments. Like yesterday I wrote, I wrote, I think I wrote so broctober, hip-hop dance or running.

And it was 70% said hip-hop dance, 30% said running. But I think it's also, it's like, I think, look, quite honestly, we're doing this and we're sharing it on Joe's podcast. It's Joe's podcast. That's true. If he wants to do running and that's the thing that will get him inspired to compete in it,

I'm definitely down with that. I think he's just seeing how far he can push himself. He's definitely gonna smoke us all. Oh yeah, but see, that's the thing in my brain where I go, I'm not gonna, look, I'm not gonna play in the major leagues, okay? I'm not gonna play for the PGA tour.

I'm never gonna get in a cage fight. I probably won't even get in a fist fight. There are very few things that I get to test myself in in this world. And the one definite one is testing yourself against Joe, who quite honestly is at a level of athleticism that none of us are even close at. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

But we can, but we get to tug on the tiger's tail a little bit. And through how close we get to. My point is this though, he's going to be like, like he's like we're going to war, and he's gonna do some shit, like when he did the point,

you know, he would do like six hour workouts. And so he just going to be like, hey, I did run 30 miles today. And like, and you're going to be like, you know, let's say you get in 15, you're going to be like, okay, and he's going to be like 30 the next day. Like he's going to do that shit to the point where you're just going to be like, okay, but we're not, we're not competing. Like, it'd be different if it was you, me, Ari. Hey, let's do a run thing. That's different.

Because there is one athlete who is just a different level athlete. He has a different level athlete, but I think that's where, I mean, I'm not to like, but I definitely, right after we did Subrock's Co-Broad, I came home, got a fight with the Ancaym home, back to our house, and'm not to like, but I definitely, right after we did so, I brought to go, but I came home, got a fight with the end, came home, back to our house, and I went to sleep,

and I woke up with the panic that I had last October. Like that, like in the middle of the night going, I gotta run, I gotta, I gotta, I'm wasting my life. And remember, remember, this is a challenge about, this is just, you know the feeling I'm talking about. Yeah, of course. This is just a challenge on who's got the most free time. In a lot of ways it is. It's just a challenge on who's got the most free time. In a lot of ways it is.

It's just a challenge on who has the least amount of time. But it's also like preparing yourself for the month leading up. You know what I mean? Just jumping into that heavy physical stress. It will look, don't get me wrong if we decide running. And I think we should pull the trigger now because we need to prepare our bodies.

Yeah. We gotta prepare our bodies hardcore for the month of a fuck drinking has become a sidebar in this. No one even knows that we don't drink into drugs. No one even gives a fuck. It turns into this physical challenge and we have to drop away.

We've gotta get our legs ready. Here's the other thing that I think, that I think, you know, that you never know, man, injuries are motherfucker. That's the one big factor. And Joe was gonna go so fucking hard. Right, he could, he could hurt his knee. He was like, actually when he was like,

I think I heard myself, God. Yeah, yeah. And he's like, I think I've got the fucking rebob's or whatever. Yeah, yeah. Kidneys are shutting down. Kidneys are shutting down. I'm pissing Coca- God. Yeah, yeah. And he's like, I think I've got the fucking rebob's or what. Yeah, yeah. Kidneys are shutting down. Kidneys are shutting down. I'm pissing Coca-Cola.

Is that bad? Yeah. And we're like, um, maybe we should all slow down a little bit. And I remember riding my heels hurt. No, dude, if we get into a rut, here's the thing. You know who's going to be the surprise again, though. Ari, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. The dude weighs like 180 now. Yeah. And he's like Ari will work the system see We're talking about mileage so we'll find some sort of fitness tracker that will count our steps and those steps at the end of the day We'll add up for the mileage that we put in now obviously the the if you can camhains it and do 13 miles of breakfast and 13 miles of dinner. That's not happening.

But if you can, if you can get yourself to a light enough weight with good leg strength and that's where I'm talking a lot of thinking about this in the last two days. Me and you have not more leg strength than Joe but where our legs are used to carrying around bigger frames. Yeah. So if we drop the weight, all of a sudden our legs became become high-performing machines. Just go with me, okay? You ever see like a really obese person that loses weight?

You're like, wow, wow, how come your calves are so big? And they're like, oh, you used to be 300 pounds. You're like, shut the fuck up. So we need to be doing body squats and getting our legs used to this frame, then when we lose weight, our legs will be like, I feel great, I feel great. What are we losing this weight? We're gonna lose it, it's coming up.

It's gonna be after I get back from Australia. Okay. And so, Joe, his legs are pretty strong already and pretty flexible. Okay, Ari though, his legs are only, I don't know, man. I wish I could fucking frame this in my head. The thing that's fucked is that I bet Ari can run

like the fucking wind. No, I've been fucking. Ari's gonna fuck the system again and he's gonna do what he's gonna do what he did last year. He's built like a fucking marathon, right? He'll just walk very fast everywhere, like his dad walked the marathon. Yeah.

Ari will walk everywhere in New York. I have a spot uptown, I'm gonna dad walked the marathon. Yeah, or he will walk everywhere in New York Hmm, I have a spot up town. I'm gonna walk it 77 blocks. Yeah, yeah, just walk up town and those That's a city built for walking and that mileage will count and what we'll need to do is I've already decided time every fucking day. My tour bus will drop me up 30 miles outside every city Which month is it for me October? It's fucking Europe, but think about this. Let's upside this. Let's upside this What's the month is it for me? October, it's not fucking in Europe. But think about this. Let's upside this. Let's upside this. Yeah.

Because I texted Joe this morning about swimming and he was like, it didn't seem like he was receptive to new ideas. So, so, so upside this, dude, you'll see Europe. Yeah. You're going to be jogging through through hungry cobblestone streets rolling your ankle I'm pulling up my October calendar. I mean, let's see where I start at my October calendar Fucking a man if I'm running this whole month. I start the month Okay, my first well I'm in town for a week then Des Moines Lincoln Nebraska first, well, I'm in town for a week, then Des Moines, Lincoln, Nebraska, Sue City, Minneapolis,

Fargo. Yeah. And then I have a break. And then I have the European run. Okay. Let me take a look at my October's aggressive. I can guarantee it. Let's see. October, starting with October 3rd. Oklahoma City. San Antonio Houston. Okay, the hottest fucking cities in the world to run outdoors. That's horrible. North Carolina, ball sweat. Charleston, South Carolina.

Oh, fucking Jacksonville. Fort Myers. Oh my God. And then I get a break in, Syracuse. What a beautiful city to jog through. I can run through the college and that's it. Fucking Buffalo, Buffalo, Pittsburgh, Virginia Beach, Montclair, New Jersey, Huntington, New York.

God, I can't wait for this running challenge. And then I have November 3rd off. Do you mind, you might get down to like fucking 190. What if I do my special and I'm 190 and everyone's like, oh, why would you, of course he lost me? Yeah. That's what I'm afraid of is that I'm gonna look ripped. And so I'm really, I'm really nervous.

I'm gonna get so fucking yoked. And everyone's like, oh look at Joe Pisco bow up there. Yeah, I get some tattoos and the cool. Would you get tats? Oh, oh, oh. Would you get tats? Yeah, yeah, I already want one. I want a tattoo of Florida on my face.

It's my first tattoo of face tattoo of Florida. Leanne would really be cool with that. Dude, that's the most Florida thing you can do is get your first tattoo on your face. Would you really do that? Yeah, I want it. Do it. I want it after this special I'm thinking about shaving my head and getting a face tattoo. you really do that? Yeah, I want it. Do it. I want it. After this special, I'm thinking about shaving my head

and getting a face tattoo. What about body-wise? Would you do any, do a sleeve or something? Chest piece? I probably start stomach. Start stomach. What would you put there? Burt.

Just in case people forgot. Oh, the guy with the shirt off, oh, that's Burt. What about the, on the back? Are you joining on the back? How much per tattoo would you sell to advertisers? That you could do now? Yeah, they get Warby Parker's tattooed right here. I think you could charge your premium.

That's coming off every show. They're getting free advertising every show. Why do you reach out to like tied or something like a Fortune 500 company? Dude, I tried to, I hit my agents up and I was like, hey, I want to sell my career to Shark Tank. And they're like, what do you mean? I go, I want to go on Shark Tank and offer up my careers a business plan. Because I think with their seed money, I can build my business. And they were like, okay, how much would you sell your business for? And they go, $500,000.

They're like, you're worth more than $500,000. I go, I am. And they're like, oh, yeah. What are you serious? I was like, I was like, I didn't know. I was like, what is it? Like a million dollars. And they're like, you're worth more than a million.

I go, two million. And they're like, okay, we're not putting you on a shark tank. And then they would just own your career? Yeah, well, no, they get a portion of my earnings. I got you. We'd split my earnings, you know, 80, 20. I didn't think it through, obviously. I'll tell you what I tell you what I love

about what you have and what I wanna do, is I wanna create a small team that travels with me, that shoots stuff, that records stuff. Like I feel like we could be putting out content so much more. Yeah, myself included, myself mostly. I think about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm trying to do a couple short things coming up here like that we film, like a short film basically sketches. Yeah. I don't know, that's the stuff I like to do. We should shoot something after this. Okay. To help promote tour dates. What do you got? When do we, when do we, when do we get to start releasing these? I don't know, that's the stuff I like to do. We should shoot something after this. Okay. Help promote tour dates. What do you got?

When do we get, when do we get to start releasing these? I don't know, what do you think, man? What do you think? Blue band. Let's do it before July 27th, because I'll be at the Met and Phil at Elfya. So wait, when do you get back? I get back.

I think we worked together. To live first. To live first. Okay. Yeah. We could put these out in July, maybe. Yeah, we could put these out in July, maybe. Yeah, let's put them out in July. I'm so proud of myself for not drinking.

I took the Uber here, I was hungover, I was like, I'm definitely fucking drinking today. But now I get to run, lose weight. Dude, how much do you think we'll lose if we run for a month? Well, I think we're gonna get down, I think we'll getting our bodies ready, because if you just start running like that,

you're gonna get stress factors in your leg, you'll get plantar fasciitis, you'll get shin splints, it'll fuck yourself. So we'll have to build to it. And I think, this is what I'm thinking about doing, and we should both do this together, is get on a plan to run a marathon October 1st. So do like two months of training,

where you get ready for a marathon October 1st. And then I really think, I really think if you put in, look, I think it'll be shocked how much mileage you can put in. If you did a solid morning of running, and then just were cognizant of walking everywhere, I think you'd be amazed at how much mileage you could put in. Because that, I think if I'm not mistaken,

that's Joe's challenge is mileage throughout today. Because it can't just, I mean, if you want to do just running, then you know what our big advantages against him, even though we're all busy? It can't just, I mean, if he wants to do just running, yeah, then... You know what our big advantage is against him, even though we're all busy? We're younger. Yeah, even though we're all busy, is that he loads up his calendar

with shit every day, pretty much all day. Like that guy does like three podcasts that are each three hours long. So it's actually like you said that the time factor is um like he'll have to schedule his runs like really schedule them. He will literally have to but but he's the kind of person who was like I just I just won't sleep for one day. Yeah that's true. That's true. I think I think we have to build I think we we have to sincerely get ready for October for going to do this running challenge. But here's a question, is it straight running, meaning like, all right, and go.

And then you run, or is it Fitbit who logged the most mileage that day? It's going to have to be mileage. It's going to have to be because Ari will just walk around New York. And he'll log tons of footage, but tons of mileage, but I think it'll be shocked with how much mileage you can add up if you are just cognizant to walk everywhere. Yeah, I mean, there's things in our neighborhood that I could just like, you know, always walk to.

So that's a month. When I, right before my 40th birthday, I dropped like 40 pounds in a month. And like in 29 days, I dropped like 40 pounds. And all it was, I know, right? Well, a lot of it's water weight, a lot of it's water weight, a lot of it's not drinking and your body just going, ugh, yeah, my body doesn't do that.

But see, the one side is to cut the booze out, my body starts going, oh, we're back, baby. So, you could also walk to that donut shop. Oh my God. Dude, I had donut shop blinkies. Yeah. I went in, I take George to the school, she's doing finals.

Yeah. I drop her off at school. You know it's like a famous LA spot right now. I know that now. I come back, I grab blinkies on the ride home, I wake up, I let, she doesn't have school that day. I open blinkies, Ila lights up, right? She's like, aw, aw, aw, oh, we destroy half a dozen easy.

And then she says we should get these for our, we're going to a party that night, we should get them for the party. I go, okay, so I go to pick up Georgia school and I stop by Blinkies one more time. And I walk in, the lady goes, you again? And I go, yeah, she goes, not a lot of people get two dozen a one day.

And I was like, well, I said they're really good donuts. And she's like, all right, and then she loads them and she goes, give them an extra one. She gave me one, it's like a bear claw almost. And it's got jelly inside it. Isn't it crazy? Because when I picked those up, when I came here for the first one, it's crazy that you have a box full

and they're like, eh, it's $18, you're like, that's it. To get that much, it means not health food, but I'm saying you get that much and it's not even 20 bucks. Dude. So cheap. You could get three dozen, four dozen. My mouth is watering. It is watering.

That feeling we were at Georgia Softball Party and they made these things called slut brownies at a softball party. I was like, ladies, what about empowerment? And so I had one. It was cookie on the bottom, fudge in the middle, brownie on top with white sugar. You bite into it and the top of your mouth starts tingling

and your eyes go back in your head and you're just like oh god oh fuck oh You know what I was saying I was trying to write a joke about Choose no dolphins dolphins, but we went to a dolphin encounter going to dolphin counters lot like going to a strip club You can tell the girl they don't want to be there the managers like Ladies we got customers. And they come out like, ah, ah, ah, and they're like, and then my daughter's immediately like,

can we touch them? And I was like, I already know the answer to that. And the guys like, yeah, but don't put your fingers in their holes. I'm like, yep, that's the rules around here. And then I was thinking, they say don't touch below the dolphin. Don't touch the dolphin's dick.

Because they want you to jack you. They try to fuck you, they want you to jack them off. How great would it be? Let me see your dolphin impression of a dolphin coming. A dolphin coming? Yeah, like I wanna see you as the dolphin. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Oh, faster. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, No, where's Cristiania? And it's wherever that is. So we didn't tell you about this. No.

We went in to this one place called Waterloo and the guys like, and we go, hey, they're a bank machine in there and he goes, no, you know what, a bank machine in a strip club? He goes, no, I would be. I was like, well, you guys are in my head. I'm like, I already don't want to go to this strip club. It's like, I can't just double up and go,

I need more money. Yeah. So he goes, there's one around the corner. So we go around this trip club. Like, I can't just double up and go, I need more money. Yeah. So he goes, there's one around the corner. So we go around this one around the corner and there's one called secrets right next to the bank machine. I go and mark on one and go, let's just go to secrets. So we walk in and we go to the guy and we're like, he looks like a boss ruten.

He's just this big guy. And we're like, hey, is it fun in there? And he goes, yeah, kind of. And we're like, okay, we're like, how much is the cover? He's like 50 euro or whatever. I don't know what it was. And we're like, all right, do they get fully nude?

And he goes, yeah. And we're like, do you sort of alcohol? And he goes, yeah, guys, but I don't think this is for you. And we're like, hold on, why not? And he goes, our girls are like, they're looking for more of a commitment. And we're like, okay, we're definitely not looking for a commitment.

And he goes, you know, they want to spend time with you, get to know you, you know? Like his English is bad. What are you just trying to say was, they take you down the room and jack you off. But all we heard were like, so we gotta get to know them. We gotta, do we have to date them?

We have to date like, what are they gonna take us to a private, it goes private room. And we were the couch where you get to know them. And we were like, so we'll get down there and she'll be in our pajamas. Like I thought we'd catch up on Game of Thrones. And so we're gonna go in. We went back to fucking Waterloo.

And we were the only dudes in there. And the girls just swarmed us. And they were like, you done's now, you done's now, huh? No, I can't jack you off. And so I said to Mark Noem and I go, here's a hundred bucks,ow, huh? No, I can jack you off. And so I said to Mark Norman, I go, here's a hundred bucks. Go have fun and tell me if they jack you off. And he came out and he goes, they don't. And I was like, okay, I'll take a left hand.

Because on my head I was like, I don't wanna be in there. That's the one joke I wrote. I haven't fucking told. I told that night the next night on stage is, I love my wife. Ah, fuck. I love my wife, ah fuck. I love my wife, I wish I didn't. I went to a strip club in Norway, wherever the fuck we were.

I went to a strip club in Norway and she texted me. She said, where are you? And I'm not gonna lie to her, I go, I'm in a strip club. She goes, are you getting a lap dance? And I wrote, no. And she wrote back, Faggot. That's why I love my wife, because I was laughing so hard. And she's like, get a bucket of lap dance.

You're in Norway, and I was like, done deal. Done, done. And that's why I had to go mark, see if they jack you off. And he was like, they don't. I was like, did you try? And he's like, I mean, I'll just say I did not try. All right, we close this show with our best virtues signaling tweets that we can isolate

two camera, ready? Go ahead. Okay, virtue signaling tweet. Oh, you gotta say, the number one virtue signal is about Trump. Oh, let's see if you can do the trifecta virtue signaling tweet, okay? Enough America. Wow, this is really horrible. Because now there's gonna be this isolated audio of me

just into the camera and someone could just pull it and go, this is what Berkrycher thinks. Okay, you gotta sell it to the camera, okay? Okay, all right. Enough America. I'm done with this narcissistic clown who's running our country with one gun in this hand and a coat hanger in this hand and a coat hanger

in this hand, enough America. That's a good virtue singling. That was pretty good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go, go, try one. Okay. And sell it, sell it. Okay, okay, hold on.

All right. Everybody needs more guns. Ah! Okay, now I'm gonna flip my virtue signaling tweet to that way, okay. Okay. Calm down, guys. Guns don't kill people.

People kill people. And that is why we need to outlaw abortion. That's a good one. That was a really good one. I don't combine it all. I don't combine it all. Okay. America, women shouldn't have the same jobs as men or the same pay

because they're fucking stupid. Okay, I'm gonna top that. I'm gonna top that. Okay, I'm gonna bet I'm gonna top that I'm gonna top that okay Pump your breaks ladies these are big decisions for big brains We'll decide who and when you get your abortion Right try to top that try to top that try to top that That's really good try to top that try to top that okay, all right Hey Muslims

I'm gonna try to top this I'm gonna keep going, keep going. I'm gonna try to top this. This is Western society and Western culture. We wear shirts and jeans, we fuck outside, and we eat bacon. If you don't like it, go the fuck down. Tucka, looka, looka land. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Okay. And get out of Congress. There you go. Okay. How's that? Okay, but I'm gonna try to make it shorter to fit into the like this is this is what you said Yeah, but this is Even dumber and more to the point okay, all right. Hey, feel the burn old man. This is fucking capitalistic society. Your socialist bullshit doesn't work here. Maybe head up to Vancouver,

but we're one of those faggy cities over the border. Are we even gonna use these? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Your socialist bullshit doesn't work here. Maybe head up to Vancouver, we're one of those faggy cities. Over the border. Are we even gonna use these? I don't know.

How about this? Hey, I thought we're doing a bit. Yeah, we're doing a bit. We're doing a bit. Hey, hey, Bernie, dollar, dollar bills, y'all. And stop being so Jewish. I think it's a nice one to wrap up on. That's a nice one to wrap up on.

That's a good one to wrap up on. This is a show called That Was Our Careers. My name is Berk Reiser. I'm Top Stegra.