2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 03 - 2 Bears 1 Cave 2w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: August 5, 2019

The Bears are back in the cave and Bert just got back from Bali just in time to see his career implode! Tom and Bert also discuss there show "Buzzed" that never saw the light of day, even though it was so much fun. The traveling has been extensive for these two, and Bert also recaps his trip to Australia where audiences clamored to meet the fattest working comedian today. Fun stories are told as always, ranging from topics like Sober October, Louis CK, Road Dawgs and non-offensive Buddhist symbols!

We stop saying the N word hey, it's great to be back. Welcome to thick boy nation. We're the thick boys. I'm Tom Segura plus size comedy plus size comedy double thick boys with two C's for that ass. This is two bears one cave episode Three you're back from Australia from Australia, New Zealand. Oh, what's Bolly like? Oh, Bolly's hot. Hot? Dude, I sweat so much in Bolly. I mean, I was sweating to the point where we go to dinner and it was pouring down my face

and they had spicy foods where I was just sweating to the point where my daughters were embarrassed. Fucking embarrassed. Were you exotic there? Are they like, wow, he doesn't look like anybody here. I am exactly I am I could be the poster boy for ISIS to go this is what we ate why we hate them I went into a market I don't know I make you a real quiet too, but they're all having a nice time in the market. You're a

girl I love I go in the market. You're a truthful fucker. Hey girls! I love! I go in the market. I swear to God, I could call Island George there right now. And they tell you, this is the worst thing they've ever seen me do. I go in a huge open air market. I've been drinking.

We went into the monkey forest. I told Island the monkeys are gonna want to fuck her because she's on her period. Island goes in, she's on her period. And I go, I love be careful, man, they can sniff that out, she's like, what? And then I go, yeah, the monkeys can smell your Jay, and they're gonna wanna fuck you,

so be careful, and if a monkey starts fucking her, I said, I'm gonna videotape the whole thing, and you, some of the things get helped. There's gotta be less than five dads that have ever said that to their daughter. I swear to God, it would have been this Tom. Video tape, I'll get in the fuck by a monkey and then turn around. Body shots world tour.

It's still available. You're the worst. You're the worst. Starting San Francisco in September and in Cleveland in November. Dude, I told the girls, I told the girls right away. So, George, it comes up. She goes, hey, do the other monkeys really gonna hump? I love they smell their period and I go, I go, no, I don't think so.

I go, why? And she goes, I'm on my period, do. The Georgia was panicking by yourself. So we go to the Bungie Forest, we go walk around. There's. They also have the thought that like, if this does happen, my dad won't help me And I told them I said about monkey starts fucking attacking me film it film the whole thing And then y'all body shots world tour at the end That's the new world star body sets world tour And so by the way, I would love I would love if that became the new world star when people got sucker party shots body That's world tour.

So, so then. Is that what you're gonna call this special, too? No. What are you gonna call it? Shh, the Berk Ryser story. Really? No. I don't know.

I wanted to call it unpopular thoughts. That's good. I thought you could do like fuck reparations or something. I guess. You know, I'm just trying to, I'm just trying to, I'm trying to, they're talking about bringing it back about actually doing it now. They are talking about bringing reparations back.

Yeah, actually, actually, I'm not, not bringing it back, actually, you know, doing it, doing it. Kind of like they ever really did it. They did it to a handful of slaves or former slaves, but they didn't even really, I think they gave them one set of 40 acres and one mule. Well, they also, when the presidency switched,

they took it back. So they had given some people the land, and then I forget who was Johnson, who was the president next after that was like, no, no, no, that's wrong. All back. All I am, I so badly want to talk about this, but I am anticipating the cut edit someone's going to make

of me totally against, I can't even say totally against, I'm afraid to choose my words, because I know that they're just going to just get fucking three some fucked into some, let's keep going, let's keep going. Let's keep talking about it. So, how do you feel about reparations? I am completely for reparations.

No, I like what killer mics... Why would you say that? No! No! No! No! No! No!

No! I mean, come on man, they're people. Oh God. I like what killer mics said. I mean, come on, man, they're people. Oh, God. I like what Killer Mike said. The way that I'm now bringing Native Americans into this. You hate them too? No, shut up.

The way that Native Americans got casinos seems to have worked out, at least in Florida, because like every seminal, I'm like digging a hole so much fucking deeper. Every seminal Indian gets $120,000. Now it's gonna look like I'm outraged. It gets $120,000 every year of their life. If they're 100% seminal Indian. In Florida.

In Florida. And so I, kill them, I said, let's just do that with the weed industry. Let's figure out, we're gonna legalize weed. That's come around the corner. Let's allow black owned operations to get a foot into that industry before. I'm totally cool with that.

What about jazz clubs? I don't see jazz clubs as something that's gonna take off. But yeah, but it just gets so fucking confusing because you're like, you know, this is what I really think. I'm going to say my genuine thought based on and knowing that this is going to fuck me in the ass, but It's going to divide all of the African-American community because not it's only goes to people who can prove they were descendants of slaves. That's true. And so Jamaicans don't get it. Haitians don't get it.

So now you're looking at Miami, which is a very multicultural black community. And it's kind of, and it's just like, you think that black people hate light skin black people? It's going to be a fucking shit show. And then, and then how do you do it with white people? Like, is it going to be, I think it needs to be the government giving it to them in, in, in, in with like the marijuana? I think marijuana is a good idea or something in it needs to be the government giving it to them and with like the marijuana. I think marijuana is a good idea or something in that kind of way.

God damn it, I'm fucking so regret, ever. This podcast is gonna be the end of my fucking career. This podcast is gonna be more worth more of a headache. I can't even post clips of the podcast because it's all of me going, I'm Hitler, I'm Hitler. This is a shit show. I understand you like this, but I pay for this in blood. This is what podcasting was, this is why we should have never done this podcast.

Because this is what we did when we, when no one ever listened to us, is we just talk fucking reckless shit. Yeah, this is good. Yeah. This is gonna get, this is gonna really boost your sales. Do not share this with your friends. Just, just watch it and then burn it. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Just, I want people, this is what I want. I want people to go, that was a great episode of Two Bears One Cave and then speck your phone on it. Ha ha ha ha. Boom. Now, I think I understand what you were trying to say. I think it's a fair point. Personally, I mean, I wouldn I understand what you were trying to say. I think it's a fair point personally. I mean, I wouldn't get involved.

But so, so, so Bolly was good. You were sweating a lot. I'm fucking already one of beer. Have one. Yeah. Yeah, I am as well.

Bolly was fucking amazing. You know what I tell you? And I'm like, I'm even scared to tell you anything. Why? There's swastikas everywhere how that feel I did not oh you posted or did you post it? Oh, yeah, I posted them there were everywhere How many did you bring back? I didn't bring any back no I was why the swastikas everywhere because Swastika isn't I'm not gonna defend this. I don't know. I don't know. I actually don't know. Oh, you're saying? I don't know. I don't know. I don't even know. I don't even know.

I don't know. No, because they did. The Third Reich did... No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm saying they did. They took the symbol and, you know, obviously it took on another meaning, but, but I'm saying it wasn't existing symbol. It was an existing symbol for a tribe in Bali called, oddly enough, called the Aryan tribe, or the Aryan group. Really?

That's what this, that's what my fucking, is that why it's everywhere there? It's my driver who wrote, spoke broken English told me. And he's like, it's not a bad thing. I got one on my back. I got one on my, I got a flag at the house. I kept pointing them out. I was like obsessed. I was like, oh my god, there's swastikers everywhere. You're like, I feel home a bad thing. I got one on my back. I got one on my back. I got a flag at the house. I kept pointing them out.

I was like obsessed. I was like, oh my god, there's swastikas everywhere. You're like, I feel home. I feel like I'm home. And Georgia, and even Georgia, I get one time, goes, dad enough with the fucking swastikas. Like, because they were everywhere. And I kept going like, and you know, I've seen them though.

I've seen them in places like where you go. How many kids do you think, dad enough with the swastikas? I was obsessed because I didn't realize I just was like, I was like in my head, I go, oh, they probably got a bunch of jewelry on for the cheap. And they probably just post, like, are just selling it.

They don't know what that it is. They didn't know exactly what it is. It's like on entries into places, like that's the crest for the gate that opens up. That's pretty crazy that they're so far removed because you're at like far in the South Pacific, right? And it's its own island. It's almost like a bold thing to be like,

yeah, we put these everywhere. That's because everywhere. And it's not close enough to like Western society where people are gonna be like outraged all the time. I'm guessing, right? Everyone's probably like, yeah, okay. There's a really weird comfort. And like, this is what's crazy about offending people or being offensive.

Like if I said something, fucking reckless about Latinos or something, I would be conscious of it because I know what that is. I was in Australia and I'm one of my opening jokes I was watching that originally porn this day. And everyone's like, what the fuck? And I was like, yeah, that doesn't mean anything to me.

Like, we're like, like the, God damn it. But like the word, Pikey, like you cannot say that. And I was saying it everywhere. And then I guess a racial slur. It was for what? For like a traveling Irish person? Like a gypsy? Yeah. Well, you can't, like, yeah, well you can't say gypsy. And so you can't say gypsy over there.

But I was just like, it doesn't mean anything to me. So I'm not, I don't feel like any moral weight on that. So goddamn it, this is going to be edited into, they can edit this actually. I would like to see someone edit this into a one hour propaganda film. Okay. What's gonna happen?

I just got the... I got... You know what? You could see that propaganda film play and then at the end, Body Shots World Tour. Exactly what you want. God. You know what a good sense of humor. If you were a fan of mine, you have to have. What? You have to have a good sense of humor, if you're a fan of mine, you have to have?

What? You have to have a great sense of humor. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or be super alt-right. So what do you think about these antifa-proots? Yes! Did I'll tell you this, man. So what do you think about these antifa protests? That's it. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Did I tell you this, man?

Ha ha ha ha. Just watch, you know, I know it's sometimes when you see a clip online, it's, you know, it's just a moment. But I would be fucking terrified to walk anywhere near, like those Portland antifa protests. That's just terrifying, man. Everybody in masks and goggles throwing fucking concrete milkshakes and people. It looks nuts.

I was like, shit, I was there, you know, six weeks ago. It's fucking terrifying. Did you see the video of the guy hitting the guy over the head with the steel pipe? Yes. And you're just like, here's the other thing is like, I think that's an warrant that fucking behavior from the left hand on the right. Anyone who who gets I can't understand anyone who gets physical

But then what happens to me as I watch the videos of both and I start getting like fantasies of violent Grandeur in my head of going like I'll just fucking like if they're protesting up my daughter's squad Just fucking go and I just start murdering motherfuckers like I I can't believe there are people that are going to This is obviously this isn't day and day, but that are going to DC this weekend to go and fight, just go and fight. Not realizing they may kill someone

and ruin their fucking life. Yeah, no, you're not thinking of that when you do that, but also just public, mayhem, anarchy or whatever. It's just, I mean, when you watch it, you're just like, man, I mean, almost seems like footage you've seen from on the news from other countries, you know? Like when they're have like upright, when the economy collapses and,

Athens or whatever, you're like, what the fuck's going on? People marching in the streets, smashing out windows, and then you're like, oh, that's Portland right now? That seems crazy, man. I had to, my knee-jerk reaction is to empathize with that guy, Andy, no.

But then immediately as a comic, you go, all right, what did he do? Like, yeah, I don't know. I mean, I know that he's like a... To be targeted. He's a conservative, what, video journalist? He's a conservative journalist, but he's just to be fair, he's doxed people and he, and he kind of is like very anti-Muslim, and he's kind of skewed his journalism into the fake media a little bit,

and it's outraged. And by the way, these antifa people aren't left-wing, they are like communist anarchists. They're not like liberals. They're like just, the system isn't working for minorities, we'll fix it. I mean, they're beating up minorities, so clearly they're not like liberals. They're like just, the system isn't working for minorities, we'll fix it. I mean, they're beating up minorities, so clearly they're not.

Yeah, no, it's pretty wild, man. Do you feel like Andy, is Andy, do you know him? No. Do you wanna? No. I wanna stay away from toxic people like that. Yeah. I mean, I'm not to be shitty about that, Andy, no guy,

but anyone who, I don't think I'd ever wanna be friends with anyone who dresses in fighting gloves and gets their cell phone in a GoPro in a backpack and goggles and goes to an event. Like, I don't want to- That's the, that's what turns you off as a tire. No, no, no, no, no. The fact that he geared up for war and was like,

they got me. This is my Saturday. This has to open up me, I'm personality at all. Like I just want to have beers and be like, I think you guys, I gotta tell you this, the one thing that makes me go, this guy's fucking out of his mind stupid is like, I'm pretty sure he announced he was going to this.

He did. And then they announced we're gonna fuck you up and he was like, let's see what happens. Like, if I put a post up that I was like, I'm going to this city and then they're like, we're gonna fuck you up. I'm like, guess where I'm canceling my trip to. Like there's no way I'm checking that shit out.

Rollin' the dice on 1,000 people. I'm not doin' that. Going into the heart of darkness. I mean, they're all. You're crazy. Just to be like, see, they got me. And they fucked him up, man. They did fuck him up.

That is, dude, he got legit fucked up. You know, like a brain hemorrhage? Had to spend the night in the hospital. My heart breaks for that guy. But then you have to go like, not to say like, it's, you know, because there are a bunch of liberals coming out and going like, this guy deserved it. He's an, he's an alt-right journalist.

And then immediately people were like, oh, I'm sorry, what were you wearing tonight? You got raped? Like that, like that's the mentality. Yeah, I rather than- So that would deserve to get assaulted. I'd rather see someone get murdered than beat up. Like, I don't know if I can agree with that.

I just don't like to see like- Oh, I know what you're saying. The helplessness of it. Yeah, yeah, like the hopeless assault of someone like cowering as they're kicked and punched, it's like, just put a bullet in his head. Dude, I had to get, I had to, do you ever see the video?

Do you ever see the video? The tree trimming video? What? The tree trimming accident? No. What's that? You didn't see that? No. Check this out. Oh didn't see that? No.

Check this out. Watch this. Oh my God. Oh my God. No, I didn't see this. I'll put your headphones on. Oh my God. Turn your volume.

Is your volume? Yeah. All right. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Clean cut.

Oh my, that is totally something I do. Yeah. Do not think it through. Body shots world tour. Body shots world tour. Dude, that's horrific no you know which one I just saw that you were showing someone is the people by clocking their next to the thing yeah and they just turn it on that made me

and they're like oh yeah you're like yeah that's what happens you just you just locked your head onto equipment what is it what is it you realize if that were like if that were Eastern Europe, they'd be like, let it take their heads off. Like just, yeah. Oh, snap their nose. There's so many conjures. Yeah, just kill them all.

Kill them all. Kill everybody and then get those chickens back in here. Somebody get the hoes, there's gonna be blood. They wouldn't care. Can I have intrusive thought where I, my brain will just say the most horrible, horrific thing about instances. Remember that couple I was telling you all was following?

Yeah. There was a point where Riley the dude, it's a vlog, it's called something sailing the lab. It's like a married couple with a young child, the baby. And they skewed spearedive, spearfish, and they edited real well. It's really a great, I'm wondering why I saw what now. I watched one and that because you were posting about it and I was like, oh, I can see why somebody would want to do it.

I mean, like, it's, you know, those things just look cool. Yeah. And you forget the work involved with like doing that. Dude, I remember when I had that vlog for like 60 episodes. Yeah. And it would just become all in, like I went to dinner with you and push, and the whole night I'm filming and you're like,

just hang out, I'm like, oh no, this is great content. I know. And then you did so much, I did like four and I was like, fuck this. Dude, it was exhausting. But there's a point, there's one of the ones I saw where he's climbing a rock, and she's like, be careful. And I, and Aaron Ralston, the guy who got 127 hours,

had just texted me a video saying, I'd cut off my other arm to party with you. He just texted you or DMed you. He texted me from one of my buddies, his friends with him. Okay. And they were party and he was like, bird, I'd cut off my other arm to party with you. And I just seen that and I thought,

oh my God, what would you do if, like just this, this is like the, this is what spun me out when George got here. I had a good marketing idea for you. Okay. He was climbing the rock. What would you do if that rock just undislaugged and took him to the bottom of the sea?

Yeah. Do you just swim back to the boat. You can't, I mean, not gonna help him. Do when, when Georgia, wait, what? Like if they'll rock dislodged and just went on top, yeah, and then you're just saying that it would happen in an instant. You're like, I got a great video. You'd be like, yeah, body's off the world tour. Yeah. No, it's like when, when Georgia Georgia not to be like totally morbid and this will come into your head hopefully it never does. Remember when Georgia brokered jaw and we had to go and put her on you. We were on that other tour.

Jamison. Yeah. And so they were, they couldn't find the vein and they said you need to put gas on her and she's freaking out so bad. You need to come down, sit next to her, talk her into it, calm her down, get her to breathe normally and then real quick we're gonna put the gas over her face. Just, you just very gently put it on and I said,

I go, what if she dies and they, everyone in the room is like, huh? I go, do we bring the body home with us, or do you take care of that? And everyone was like, holy fuck. And then I got obsessed with that. I was like, because I'm not leaving my kid and a tenant, that kind of thinking. Yeah, I think like that fucking constant.

I do that too, I do that too. Just, oh, this that's why I fucking drink. Yeah. Okay, here's my marketing trick. Oh, here that's why I fucking drink. Yeah. Okay, here's my marketing trick. Oh, here it is. All right, so that guy said, I would cut off my other arm to party with you. Yeah.

You could actually do what would you do to party with the machine and have people lining, like begging to do it and integrate it into some type of like marketing, come, you know, tie something into it where it's like people submit videos or 30 second max, minute max video where they can make it funny. They're creating content for you and the payoff is if whoever you choose, you fly out and you can build an excitement around hanging out and parting with you.

That's not a bad idea but but like what would people do? All you'd have hair sandwich. Yeah, they'll do it. They'll just like shit in their mom's pillowcase. I'll shit in my mom's pillowcase. I'll fuck my sister. Yeah, yeah. And then they go, partied with me.

Do you know what I really want to do for real? I for real want to go to a 21st birthday of a guy who's never drank? And just. and kill him and be there with him his first night. Did you ever see that video of that guy in in Philly that that I did where he brings in blue like he's it's a it's a fake interview. He's new in a character and I'm just doing the helium improv and they're like it'll help take it to hell. And so it's a fake interview. He's like the up-and-comer is what it's called. And he comes in, it's the funniest thing I've never liked.

Oh really? Dude. He's a comic there? He's a quick comedy by the way. He's none of it doesn't do it anymore. But he was a comic, he's a local comic, and he had this idea of doing the up-and-comer. Oh yeah.

We have to ask what I'm just thinking of, man, I feel terrible about that. I'm wondering if it's this guy I told one time what he was doing was pull up the up and come. Burnt Christ or the up and come. And then he was like, oh, please, please tell him. I'm gonna win him because I broke the fucking kid.

You did? That's it to the left. Let me see. I'm honestly surprised. Yeah, yeah. Hard open. So wait, so wait. The store. So hang on. So I'll tell you right now, I'll tell you, I thought I'd probably tell the story better than you can watch it. But if you go to like, uh, go to like minute two, thirty, I'll tell you where it's at. The whole premise is, he says, I'm the party animal,

I'm gonna party with you, teach me how to be a comic. He'll look good there, how long ago is that? This is a long time ago. And so, he brings balloons, I have a fear of balloons. Yeah. And so, he brings balloon, I'm glad I fucking said that. I'm glad I put that all in there. And so, and he brings balloons, and I go, actually,

you're freaking me out, I go, I'm gonna have to cut right now and say, if you've done any research, you know, I have a fear of balloons and someone in the back goes, do you want a shot? I go, yeah, I want a shot. And I go, that's what you could learn. Let's do shots. So, we do four shots real quick.

And then all of a sudden, he goes, actually, I'm gonna have to break right now. I've never had alcohol before. Ever? Dude, watch my reaction. Keep scoot forward, scoot forward. Put your heads before ever dude watch my reaction keep a scoot forward scoot forward Put your heads that's on watch my reaction. I'll tell you keep going keep going. You'll see it'll have shots Shots in his hand keep going there he is okay. He's doing a shot you keep going

Taking a shot with friends Okay, okay, let's go bottle yeah This is his first wear it in a tie is a lot like being in prison because Because you're trapping yourself in a persona that you can't live up to Okay, watch this kid. Okay, it on. Go back, go back a second. There you go. Mike, because you never forget how to do it. Okay, watch him.

I need to jump out and be honest in this moment. I've never drank alcohol in my life. Look at how excited I life. Oh, yeah. Look at how excited I am. Yeah, he looks so happy. And by the way, he's doing it with a pro, so we get done this, and he goes, what are we doing now?

I go, I'm going to bed. This is like 10 in the morning. And he goes, what should I do? Wait, press play again. Let's see what he's, I want to see him. I'm honestly, I'm just going to see it. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to see it. I want to see him. Honestly, it's fucking... I was going this year. Yeah, yeah.

I want that 45 seconds to be my ringtone and I'm going to always have to ring. This interview was a lot like George Bush's presidency. Because of his non-stat fun. Cheers, cheers. Because I'm just non-stat fun. Cheers. Cheers. Brad Kreisler will be at healing of us. He's fucking wasted. He's getting lost.

That's hilarious. He's fucking wasted. But I wanted to do a show where I go out and party with people for the first time. That's a great idea. Dude, I've had so many show ideas. You'd have to dial it back for some new, for rookies. It fucking just puking. Remember when we did buzzed and they're like, oh, we can't do this show.

Do that was the funniest show. That was the funniest thing I've ever been a part of. That was so funny. Bert had a pilot that we shot. We shot it. I wrote on it. Hold on, can I tell you the fucking greatest thing about this? This is when I realized,

oh, I want to be attached to Tom for the rest of my life. I brought Tom in as a writer and he was executive producing it and editing it by the end of the scene show. He fired the director. He fired the director and turned into audience Wrangler. I swear to God. I swear to God. And I was like, I was like, how did you do that? And then I went in for the first, like, writers meeting and they're like, Tom, you wanna take a charge of it? And I'm like, yeah. First one's liquid or stick it. That was so fun.

And the best, this is how crazy television is for people always here like show business. The show is called Buzzed. It's Greenlit. Like Comedy Central is paying all of us to make it. He's hosting it. You know, there's production. The premise of the show was, I go to a bar,

and I pick people up like cash cab and we play a game show, but they've got to be on a bus. On a bus and whatever they blew into the breath meter. Yeah. Whatever they blew, they got that. Take the point, put a zero at the end, and that was a starting bank. It was so funny. People were so fucked up.

It was a game show of people buzzed, right? It's what it's called buzz. And like playing ridiculous categories, and it's just like non-stic. Look at her stick it was, we showed you a picture of a woman you had to guess if she was a lesbian or not. Yeah. Yeah.

It was, that was the ultimate moment in that show There were I'll tell you the highlights of that show the first time we go Have you ever had sex with an animal and the guy goes no yes And we go what and he goes one time I blew a squirrel do you remember that and we were like Everything in that show was I remember the one time we said to the girls We had a shit thing where we're gonna have them put lipstick on with their feet Yeah, and I go ladies. I've noticed under you wearing lipstick now It's time for you to apply lipstick and they go with our tits and we go. Yep. Yep The best one. Do you know the best one which one?

Licketer's ticket we put up a A picture of Jamie Lee Curtis. Yes, I remember this and I go guys Licketer's ticket and he goes stick it my dad Fucked her and I go hold on. I heard she was a hermaphrodite and he goes, he goes no, but then again, would my dad tell me he fucked a dude probably? And I go, I'll tell you what, for another 500 bucks, get your dad on the phone and let's confirm if he fucked Jamie Lee Curtis

and he goes, okay, so he calls his dad, it's like three in the fucking morning, he's like dad. And he's like, what's going on? He goes, dad, I'm in only game show quick. Did you fuck Jamie Lee Curtis and you this year's dad? Sound asleep go affirmative. We had two Mexicans and we in the in the fucking thing and they were hammered.

Do you remember they were like, they were like, there's no good time to headbutt. That was their catch line. They had butted each other. And the game was we put up a Latino person and they had to guess if they were Mexican or not Mexican. And they missed every single one. Yeah, like Jay Lowe, they're like,

she's fucking Mexican. Yeah, Selena, no. No. Yeah, it's like, no dude. That shit was like, it was honestly like, the pilot was, it was not stopped laughing fun. It was fun vibes. It's kind of like, you know what I liken it to now,

it's like when you watch impractical jokers, and you're like, these guys just having a good time, silly concept. It was like that. We deliver the pilot and Comedy Central who Greenland and Paige for the show was like, we can't do this show. We're like, what?

And they're like, this alcohol involved. We're like, it's your show. Like you said to do it. Yeah. And they're like, yeah, but I mean, there's too much liability and sponsors are gonna be like, weary of sponsoring a show revolved around alcohol drinking. And we're like, so is that's it? And they're like, yeah, we shouldn't have done this.

They did, when they viewed it, when they viewed all their pilots, they made it last, because it was the best one, and they poured a shot at tequila for everyone. And everyone took a shot at tequila and had a drink and Wasted and it killed and then the ad sales guy was like I can't sell this show. Yeah, really crazy. That's That's TV free Crazy TV's excited dude. I pitched so many great shows to to DIY networks. Do you remember those? I pitched I pitched Moat crashers where we build every man's house this castle every castle deserves a moat would we have a moat

Moat would be so awesome when you love to have a moat No more locking your doors. You got a fucking moat. Yeah, dude. I'm telling you and we'd get gators, dude Gotta get gay. You know how much shit I'd put in my moat. I'd have nutrient. I'd have a Platypus. Yeah, I'd have gator. I'd have nutrient, I'd have a platypus, I'd have gator, I'd have like a whole, dude, I really wanna turn my backyard into like a fucking jungle. Like if there was a way, I've been thinking about this, about getting like parrots and raising them in my backyard,

right? Yeah. And letting them run around and be free, you can go to LA, but come back to me every night morning. Yeah. And like be safe. Yeah, I would love that. I want little... I want little. Why are you thinking of moving?

No. Why? I don't know. I was like everyone likes our house. Yeah. So, but I don't know. Are you getting a car? No.

I'm not doing anything with my fucking money. I thought you, I was gonna buy a sailboat, Leanne killed that. He was gonna buy a motorcycle, and then one of our friends got hit by a motorcycle the other day. You know what you should do, just because just for the how fun it would be, you should get one of those things

and just show up with it and have, and what a motorcycle? Motorcycle or a boat, be like, Leanne, let's go to the beach today, and then you just have the boat people pull it up, be like, that's all hurts. It should be like, what the fuck? Like, Tom, do you know the fight we got in

with a just me asking to hold a Tito's bottle so I could try to kick the top off it? You know what? You're excited about that? No, she's like, you're fucking kicking me? I'm not gonna get fucking kicked! This is a dumbest fucking idea! No one can do this! And then I couldn't find the video of everyone kicking it. Apparently everyone can get the top off a fucking bottle. Really?

You've been seeing those videos? Keep pulling it up. I've seen that. Yeah, everyone's kicking top soft bottles. It's like the ice bucket challenge. Hmm. Bottle cap. I told you about the challenge I wanted to do. It's called the ice carrot challenge.

The ice carrot challenge? Yeah, you watch this and then I'll tell you about ice carrot challenge. So, string of celebrities attempting. Is that John Mayer? It's John Mayer. Look at that fucking kill face he's got on him. He really knows his watch game.

Have you ever seen him talk about watches? No. It's other level, man. Watch this. Oh, I see. I feel like- So everyone's doing it. And by the way, everyone's doing it.

No one's failing. Everyone's doing it. Well, that is like, it's, it's, he's got it primed to come right off. Yeah, they're chasing the stayeth home. That. I want to see, I want to see someone do this with a pickle jar. Look at Conor McGregor.

That's not Conor McGregor. Yeah, it is. What? Yeah. That's Conor McGregor. Yeah, she has her beard. Oh, no. Yeah, it's Conor McGregor.

Nah. Yeah, watch you. That's some other mick. See, you don't have any fear of that racial slur, because it can hurt you. Nah, what's this? I tell those gypsies. David's up.

David's spade did this. But anyway, ice carrot challenge, okay? Okay. Raising awareness for prostate cancer. You put it. You leave it at carrot and your freezer overnight. Okay. And then you shoot it so that it's,

the shot is just like to hear. But they hear you take your pants off. Okay. And then you bring the carrot up and you're like, hey guys, this is Bert Kreischer. I'm raising awareness for the prostate cancer, prostate awareness month. This is the ice carrot challenge.

I tell challenge, Tom's Guru, Joe Rogan, Ari Shafir and Joey Diaz to do this. And then you take it and you shout out your ass. But the whole thing is, do you or don't you shove it up your ass? Who does the best reaction to like put it like, hold, it's cold, it's almost like an acting thing. And it would be funny to watch people's reactions.

Yeah, you're like, oh, it feels so good. Yeah, yeah, or you just, oh, but you're not really doing it. I was one of my ideas, I was gonna do the ice carrot. Yeah, give me another carrot, give me another carrot. Put another one in there. Yeah, put a third one. Yeah, give me another carrot, give me another carrot. Put another one in there. Yeah. Put a third one. Yeah, give me, oh god, oh god.

Someone go get the rabbit. All right, you got any big carrots? Ha ha ha. Oh, that's a good idea. You should do that. Ice carrot challenge. Now they can cut together, carrots up your ass with reparations.

God. That's the internet though now. It's like we were talking about that, like guys who try to get in front of their story and change the narrative of who they are. We know one guy that doesn't want to mention something about something and you're just like, you can't change your narrative. You just gotta let whatever's gonna be out there about you is gonna be out there.

You can't stop it. You're like, we're gonna fucking stop people from posting shit online? You have a swatzika collection, big deal. You know, so funny. We were in Italy one time, and they had, I mean, we were driving on the street, we were driving, and they just set up on the side of the road. They had Nazi memorabilia, but like legit Nazi equipment.

In Italy? In Italy on the side of the road I Looked at it and I was like oh my fucking god my director of my show started buying it like fucking crazy And I was like what are you doing? He goes I have a huge Nazi memorabilia collection and I was like I was like you're not By the way, I just said I have a huge not to remember I'm making this so fucking easy. Uh. Uh.

Uh. Uh. Wait, what did you say when he said that? I went, I was like, I agree not allowed to have that. And he goes, what do you mean? I go, that's kind of really horrific. And he was like, oh no, I'm gay. I can totally have it.

And I was like, what? And he goes, yeah, they get persecuted. So I do it like more out of like, you know, it's like more interesting, but like, oh no, I'm gay, I can totally have it. And I was like, what? And he goes, yeah, they get persecuted. So I do it more out of like, you know, it's like more interesting, but like, yeah, but I, yeah, I have a huge Nazi manboot, I like sin. And I was like, fuck, I was like, I couldn't, I remember one time, never mind. Tell us, come on.

I remember going into people's houses in the South and they'd have racist art up. Yeah. And you'd be like, do you remember in Florida, the restaurant, Sambo's? No, I think I remember reading about, I prefer, I remember reading an article about like the last one closing.

Yeah, the last one closed. I want to say it was in, might have been in Texas, a guy, I want to say that. We realized that a lot of people have no idea what that even is. Oh, for real? I wanna say it might have been in Texas. A guy? I wanna see that. We realized that a lot of people have no idea what that even is. Oh, for real? Yeah.

Sanbos was a restaurant, but it was based off of racist childhood. The term. But the term was, the term was basically a minstrel art. Is that what it's called? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so, and you went in there and it was all,

everything was minstrel art. It was racist. It was racist. And they were like, it's good food. Yeah, come on guys. This is before Denny's was around. They were like, good pancakes guys. Pretty good pancakes.

And so, so I said, there was a guy who ran a comedy club in Houston and, no, well, you're not gonna find the racist one. So they tried to change the brand. They tried to change the brand and they turned them into a great food. No, yeah, they see they tried to change them into an Indian kid.

They tried to make him Asian. Oh, yeah, they tried to change the brand so they could save the restaurants and they made him Asian and everyone's like, that's not why we're here. Come on. So I'm doing a club in Houston and the owner of the club is like,

I said something like, do you remember Sanbos? And he goes, my dad was the CEO of Sanbos. What? And I was like, are you fucking serious? And he's like, yeah, I got a ton of the artwork if you want some. And I was like, no thanks. This is the guy in Houston?

Yeah, yeah. This guy? That guy? No, no, we, that's not the guy to give her one coke, right? Wait, the last stop? Oh, that guy, okay. I was thinking of the other clever guy. He's just always drinking and mumbling.

Yeah, yeah, I remember that guy. If you told me he had memory, I'd be like, yeah, I believe you. Yeah. No, that guy, and I was like, what am I gonna do with, like where do you put that? Yeah. Where do you put that?

Where would you put it if you had it? I got a great story to tell you off air. When you put in your living room, no. You gotta have like a, it would be your man cave. People would be like, oh man, you guys like your own little lounge here, and you'd be like, yeah, check out all this great artwork. Oh, this is where I feel really at home, you know.

Oh, funny, if you're just walking there and you're like, what do you think? This baton KKK proud member a good standing Guys don't even make the video now like it's not cuz it's gonna be fun for me to do this podcast cuz I won't be able to talk No, you gotta be able to talk. I gotta be able to talk. I haven't even said anything hateful and it's just gonna be so bad Yeah, it's gonna be bad this week On to bear one cave By the way, I just did the VO for that. Bert, please come back to us to society. They're just people

We need to start a thing with Tom where it just slowly gets out of control I just lend into it so well. You're doing great work. Yeah. Hmm. This podcast will be the end of my career. No, it won't. Oh my god, I'm already thinking about the one that we released last week where we were like, let's just say what horrible people say out loud. Oh yeah. Ha ha ha. There is gonna be a great montage. Ha ha ha ha. Where they can trap up episode one, two, three, two. And then body shots will talk. By the way, it's like, it's like the University Joe talking

about like you can do that with jokes. He's talked about everything. Yeah, and Joe's talked so much. He's done like two, he does five podcasts a week now. Yeah. They've cut together conversations of him with him that are hilarious. Oh, yeah.

Dude, one of the ones they had of where he was talking about hapless apes, and they just kept cutting to me. I laughed so far. Oh, yeah, because they're like, look at this fucking thing in this U on the moon. That's the thing, it looks like, that has a mortgage. Yeah. That was a fucking best.

Yeah, the weird part about the internet is that me and you have spoken, how many hours do you think you have put out on the internet of speaking? Oh my God. Oh, mean well over a thousand, well up 2,000 plus hours. Easily. Easily.

It's a lot. I know. Days and months of speaking. Yeah. Yeah. And then you think you ever see the one where they did it, where they made, they did it. They had a computer generated thing with Rogan,

where it was god damn it dude. I'm getting so many fucking, should we take it on the air? What? It's a sales call. Go for it. Hang on. Hey, I'm on a podcast. You're being recorded. What's up?

Hello. Yeah, is that what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm on a podcast though. You're being recorded. I'm in the middle of work. I thought I knew you. What who's this? I don't know. Jim and John came with the Ramsey Stadium. Oh, the Ramsey Stadium. Oh, dude, you better go. Can I call you back? Can I call you back? Yeah, thanks.

Okay, nevermind. I do know that guy. You do know that guy? Yeah, we're trying to get season tickets. Yeah, they're lower in the prices because I'm initially the fucking seat licensing thing was like 50,000 a seat. And no one, who the fuck has $50,000 to put on a license?

Not even the ticket. So they changed it? Oh, they're dropping it a lot. And so now they're like, hey, what do you think about Tangred? So what are you gonna, are you gonna get, you got season tickets? I'm season tickets already.

I would like to have season tickets, but I don't get enough games and I'm touring all the fall anyway. It doesn't even make sense. But you'll do it. I've got to do it. That's the one thing my wife lets me spend my money on. Yeah.

I am all I'm thinking is the edit it of that's the one thing my wife lets me spend money on. You go what? Nazi memorabilia. Yeah. Nazi. Sambo art. I put it in my neck, hey.

Why don't I just say this sentence for you? So you don't have to edit it. Yeah, there you go. Just start, start clean from the top. Ha, ha, ha, ha. I just farted. I farted. Oh.

I'm sweating right now. What are you gonna do the rest of the day? I have a busy day. I'm going to go do a joke quiz podcast. Yeah, I got pick up the kid, drop him off, go to joke hoist, then go workout, then go home, then stay home because Christina's doing a spot later. Give her go, hey, push, I got this great joke premise.

Can you just try it on stage and see the results? No, I wish I could. I let hold the funniest two jokes. As soon as she told them, she didn't know there were jokes. She was being serious. You're like, taking that. Oh, immediately I go, did you see that online anywhere? Did you hear that?

She went, no, that's my idea. And I went, taking it on stage. Fucking, at the second I said them, they both murdered and I was like, God damn it, that shit. She's funny though. She's really, she's funny. It's not funny when she tries to be funny. Like you put a, God damn it, that's just funny. She's funny though. She's really, she's funny. She's not funny when she's, she tries to be funny.

Like you put a camera on it. No, very natural way. Naturally she is so hysterical. Yeah. Last night they had a fight over your, your, your air pods, air buds. What happened to your beer? Yeah.

Someone goes, I go watch his, I go watch his show every week. Tom just lets Bert get drunk and hang himself. They, Eilie didn't want air pods, air buds. She didn't want them. I said, why not? She goes, I'll lose them. I said, well, baby, there's no reason not to get something. She goes, no, I don't want that responsibility. I'd rather not have them. So I bought them for anyways. I bought them for Georgia. I bought a pair for Ila and she loved them

and then lost them immediately, right? Yeah, I lost buying for Ila. So then she goes into her private stasha cash and buys new airpods, right? She gets like, she's towards cash. And so she buys new AirPods for herself and Then she finds the other ones and she's like and so then Leanne buys the old ones from Ila and Then we all go to Australia and Ila loses them again Jesus and so she goes and grabs Georgia is thinking their hers and then blames Georgia

Georgia has never lost anything on her entire life. Yeah, and it was a meltdown. It was a meltdown What I was trying to relate to the girls because what I don't like is Georgia has never lost anything on an entire life. And it was a meltdown. It was a meltdown. What I was trying to relate to the girls, because what I don't like is both of them not having something. It breaks my heart that they would not and the island's crying and Georgia's upset. And I tried to say, well, I was trying to be sincere and I go, this is why I hate balloons.

And they fucking laughed so hard. Everyone stopped crying. Everyone started laughing and they go, this is why you hate balloons. And they fucking laughed so hard. Everyone stopped crying. Everyone started laughing me to go, this is why you hate balloons. I was like, and then I started crying because I was like, no one's fucking listening to me. I was sincere about my balloons. And it stems from this shit right here.

Emotional leverage. So. I can't by the way, I cannot. I'm pretty good at keeping my stuff. What I but I cannot not lose headphones. I lose so many headphones that now it's part of my airport trip. I get to the terminal and I go to the electronics store

and I just buy headphones. I lose them on every fucking trip. You know what ends up happening? Is I'm wearing them when I get off the plant, like when I land. And then you're like, oh, I'm finally home now, and then I never find them again. I've got 25 pairs of headphones this year.

I have seven pairs of headphones of wireless headphones because I wash them non-stop. Oh, you keep, I wash them. Can I tell you what is my thing that's driving me nuts about me? I can't not get food on my shirt. Oh! Ha! Ha! I'm fucking boy six.

This is so much better for the montage. I can't stop if this is the base for my hate. I can't stop. I get food. I get food on my shirt so much that we were a breakfast in Fiji and I was eating croissant and it was all over me and butter had dropped on me and I just went like this and everyone lay on the girls go who the fuck's cleaning that up? And I was like huh? Dude I have, the other day I got a cheese, double cheeseburger and I just got double cheeseburger and I ate it

over a counter and there's ketchup all over my shirt All over my fucking shirt. I might be the only guy who has underarmour Workout gear that has ice cream on I get food on me so much I have red wine red wine. This is all stained But I'll tell you this is staying You spit, yeah. But you probably remember this, now I'm wearing, I only wear clothes given to me because these fucking little kids all day.

They spit on you, throw shit on you. My son will eat, Ellis, the older kid will eat, and then be like, man, that's just, and he'd walk up to me and go, and clean his hands on him, like, all right, man. So, do you, can I tell you the fucking hardest I laughed? I was it we were in. God damn it. We were. I don't remember where we were. I think we were in Bali's in Bali.

And I was wearing a sweatshirt. And Ila took the top off her soda can. And she goes, Hey dad. And I was like, okay. And then she kept going, how about that soda can, dad? I was like, yeah, whatever. So then I fly to New Zealand to do a show. I get on the, wake up in the morning in New Zealand

to fly to Melbourne or wherever. And I put on my sweatshirt and I reach in and that bottle caps in my pocket. She had put it in my pocket going, he'll find that later, and I'm gonna kick out of there. Fucking clever. Yeah. What should I know about touring in Australia?

Well, you gotta go there first, that's number one. I'm working on it. Dude, thank you. I did a video about that, fuck it, I forgot. I get so many fucking messages. What don't you like about Australians? I love Australia. Have you ever met one?

Yes, I've been twice. When did you go? I went in 2011. What did you go? I went with Joe separately. I went in 2011. I did the festival. I also went in 2000.

I don't remember with him. So, dude, it's, I mean, my experience of Australia is gonna be vastly different than yours. Because I go out with them afterwards. And I, like, I did that in Brisbane. I told everyone, I'm staying at the Sofital. I'm each there.

And everyone just went back to the Sofital and it was fucking amazing. You just hung out with them all night? Oh, dude, I'm a honey pop for disease. I take so many pictures with people and just wet hands and just, and then I'm like, next morning. I'll be the first comic to get spinal meningitis.

No questions asked. No questions asked. I cannot believe you're like, I'm staying at this hotel to a theater of people. Dude, I did it in Melbourne. I told, was it like 2700 people? What? I told him, I go, hey, like 2700 people? What?

I told him, I go, hey, I'm going to this bar, I'll meet you there. There was a line, I mean, like, there was like a line of like 500 people and inside was so fucking packed and I just stood in the corner and people just one after the other. I just maybe took a thousand pictures and then I got drunk and got up on stage with the other. I just maybe took a thousand pictures and then and then I got drunk and got up on stage with the band and I was like, hey, can you place can you guys place a minute work? And they're like, you know, insulting that is to an Australian band. I'll come from the land down and the yeah. And the guy goes, oh, dude, I did this twice. I did this twice. I went to a bar one night and I packed it out and I went on to the lady at the end and I go,

I had like 200 bucks I was gonna tip her. Cause I, it fucks up their night. I mean, there's like thousand people in their bar out of nowhere on a Wednesday night and now they're staying open till 2 a.m. And I was about to give her 200 bucks and I go, hey, sorry about, you know, fucking bringing a thousand people in.

Bring a thousand people and she goes, then I have for you and I went, goes, they're not here for you. And I went, no, they're only here for me. She goes, we get like this every night. And I was like, pocket with the money. I was like, and he just talked to yourself out of $200 tip, you know, I'm whore. And then, and then, and then, and then,

and then when I went to the band, I go, hey, can you guys, I went and I had the promoter go and see if the band could play that. And they're like, we don't, they don't know how to play it. And then I went up to them and said, hey, can I play with you guys, I went and I had the promoter go and see if the band could play that. And they're like, we don't, they don't know how to play it. And then I went up to them and said, hey, can I play with you guys? And I'm like, who are you? And I was like, I'm the guy who brought the people.

And they're like, no, no. And then I realized, oh, they're under the impression they're having one of the best nights of their life. Like, imagine if you're a comic and all of a sudden the place is packed. And you're like, nice. And you're like, this is what I'm talking about. And then they're like, start and you're like nice and you're like, this is what I'm fucking talking about. And then they're like, start lighting you on and off.

You're like, hold on, I'm murderin' right now. And they're like, shepelles here. And you're like, oh. So I went and he was the guy was like, no, you're not getting on stage with us. Who are you? And I was like, I brought all the people and then everyone started chanting,

Bert, Bert, Bert, Bert, Bert. And you saw it in their eyes like, oh you're right. Fuck, no wonder there's about 2,000 people in this fucking bar. Yeah, yeah. And so then I got on stage and they were really cool. They played.

They changed their whole tune with you? They changed, they went, yeah, and they played Dan Down Under and we all sang it together and they were like, I'm trying to, like, imagine myself just one time doing what you do. Like, just, I'm try to imagine whether I would have just filled with rage or just shut down if I was like, everybody, let's all go to his bar together.

And then I actually went and saw everybody. Oh, you'd love it. You'd love it if you were with me. Mate, if I was with you. We should do, we've always talked about doing a show together. We should do a live two bears one cave episode That's what I'm talking about do a live two bears one cave episode. You can wear your Hitler outfit. No, I'll Jesus Christ. I got a lean away from this too because you know it like you know it and it went a bit starts getting you tracks in

You're like oh you have a little more feed to this and they're gonna be like dude You realize in Birmingham really sold out. You know, it's a free sale Do you miss a sippy numbers are through the fucking roof holy shit man It's you know people in Australia that to me they're like this is like the racist thing It really it really does fucking drive me nuts online. Of course. Because people post it. I got to a picture with Big Boy and people were like,

putting the N word in the comments and I'm like, ugh, I might have some fucking class. And so, but I do get a kick out of it when it's like a small girl who's at one of my shows by herself and she comes up and she goes, I just got to get something by myself. I just wanted to meet the most racist man alive. I laugh so fucking hard when it's done properly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. When it's done properly, it makes me laugh so fucking hard. It's the difference between somebody who gets the joke. Get the joke or doesn't get it. Yeah, yeah. It's like in the people who don't get it, ruin it for everybody else. But yeah, I mean, in the people who don't get it ruin it for everybody else, but yeah, I mean

Other shit. All right. I'm partying today. You are yeah, I woke up at three in the morning worked out I worked out at four in the morning. Yeah, I was having panic attacks I'm panic attacks lot lately. What about you dying? Really? I was parting pretty hard in Australia and then I party really hard on the flight home. Do you get physicals? Yeah, I get a physical every nine months. And you're fine. I'm fine every time, but... I partied on the way home.

I partied on the flight home way too hard. And then, no, no. What did you do? Just, I went through, here's where I got fucked. I went through duty free and they had little, like, little, not fifth, but like a tiny bottle of jamus and like a flask of jamus of Jack Daniels. And I said to the lady, I said,

I'm gonna grab one of these. And she looks at me and she goes, you're gonna drink them on the flight? And I was like, yeah. And then I was like, give me two. So then, and the beers were just bloating me. I couldn't get the beat, they give me like the, Red Bull-sized beers of Heineken.

And so I couldn't catch a buzz. And then, I was just, kept drinking and I wasn't catching a buzz and I wasn't comfortable. And I started having panic attacks, panic attacks on the plane. And I was like, calm down, calm down. You're gonna be fine. And then I landed and I go out in the pool

with Ila for two hours and I have a few cocktails and then I go to sleep at like midnight, wake up at three, going like, you're not living a very healthy life. You need to get on the treadmill. And so I got on the treadmill yesterday and then I'd say anything happened, but I was fine last night.

We went and saw Spider-Man. I go to sleep at midnight, have a few glasses of wine, not a ton. Cause I was like, I'm trying to pull back and be responsible. And then wake up at three again, at four o'clock this time. And I'm like,

I'm gonna just go, you know, Jocco Willenink, Willenink, Willenink, he just gets up and works out, like I'm gonna get up and work out. And this is my, this is like a little secret time. I did it, yeah. Dude, if I, if I, I used to have panic attack scuba diving, but if I looked at the camera

and played to the camera, the panic attack would go away, okay, so sometimes you'll notice that I'll start at least have panic attack scuba diving. But if I looked at the camera and played to the camera, the panic attack would go away. Okay? So sometimes you'll notice that I'll start live instastoring it for in the morning is so the panic attack goes away. So I fucking, yeah. So I just get my phone out and I'm like, all right, I'm gonna go,

hey guys, I'm going to get coffee, you know, like. And then it calms you down. It calms me down, I stop thinking about it. I go get coffee. It's very interesting insight. Yeah, are you still on the road? Are you on the road this whole year? Yeah, I have most of this month off, which is great.

And then yeah, from basically the last week in July through mid-December, I'm out a lot, not every week, but like a lot. Have any more talks about sober October? No, man, I mean, not really. I mean, like the funny thing is, Joe told me that he's like, you know, that was crazy what we did last year.

I don't really want to put myself through that. No, my family liked, I was like, same. My house was terrible with it. And then I'm like, why don't we try to do something? My whole thing is like, look, man. Like, remember last year when we were talking, you're like, I don't know about like, it was like the 29th and you're like, you know, like, remember last year when we were talking, you were like, I don't know about like, it was like the 29th

and you're like, you know, I started to feel pretty broken down and I was like, yeah, we're not, we're not professional athletes. I remember not models. I remember calling and I was like, almost in tears to you and you were like, hey, remember, you're just a comedian man. Yeah, yeah.

We're comics. So, yeah, so people are like, are you gonna hit those 20 miles today? I'm like, I don't know. I'm gonna fucking get on stage and make goofy sounds later. Like, so my thing is like. Not getting a lot of material out of this. No, I'm just fucking.

I think I have a stress factor in my leg. Which is a crazy about stress factors. You know what's crazy when your kidneys shut down? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey guys, you ever going to sleep thinking you're winning a competition and then wake out and find out you're not? Got the fuck to your head, huh? No, it's so it's like what about us leaning into like a fun fucking thing?

Surfing was a good one. It was good, but it's too it's impossible to do. It's labor and Surfing was a good one. I like the tactical thing because no one's a fucking, you know handgun shooting expert like that would be fun. Yeah. Things like, things of that nature where it's like. Spear fishing. I'm obsessed with spear fishing right now. Holding our breath.

The problem is, by the way, I think, I think you're going in the right direction. I think it's something that would add to our lives. Yeah. I mean, but it would be cool. Like, oh, that's who you that would add to our lives. Yeah. I mean, but it would be cool to do the... Like to you were nodding to. Let me see.

No, no, this is like a good, here put your headphones on. I don't know if this has music to it or not, does it? It's safe to play. It's safe to play here. So we, for those of you listening, we're dialing up a video about how to learn, how to hip hop dance, because that was Birds initial idea, which I'm a big fan of, but here this gives you a little bit of explanation here. Hey, I'm Dean, look at my feet, my feet are straight ahead. You don't want to do that. You want to turn your feet out, and I'm going to do this backwards.

And that's what makes it look like hip-hop. Oh, that's it. That's it. Hip hop is this. Hip hop is this. One, two, three, four, hit. Ah, and ah, the more relaxed you are, that's what makes it hip hop. That is brilliant. I would like her to do everything in life.

Everything. And make everything hip hop. No, just everything. Here's the thing about stand-up comedy. And a hip hop head, we have this. Boom, bam, every time. Uh, uh, uh, uh. Your hands are always, ah, like this. Always, huh?

This is fucking... This is, this is awesome. This is awesome. What we call popping, straight. Straight. I took some of this from an African piece. Oh, and the African piece is big. Now we're in Burk's lane.

But in hip hop, it's like this. Oh. See, there's a difference. She's more of an open-handed. I'm telling you, that contest's a difference. She's, mm. It's more of an open-handed. Mm. Mm. I'm telling you, that contest would be amazing. It would, Joe's defense, I wish he had said this on the podcast, he's like, I don't like hip-hop music.

I don't wanna listen to hip-hop music all month. He did say that? Yeah, he's like, guys, I don't like hip-hop music, so I'm not gonna listen to something I don't wanna listen to. Did he say that on the air? No. No. No.

I said that to us privately, and we were like, oh, that does make sense. If you don't like hip-hop, I don't like country music. I don't want to learn how to line dance. That's true. Can you imagine listening to fucking Garth Brooks all week? Yeah. He's a fucking. He's a spittle over myself and doing it.

He's a fucking psycho, man. There's no way. I keep looking for a fun thing for us to do. I mean, I'm training so that I'm ready for running. People send the craziest messages about it. What you guys should do is a seven tiered course. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? And then they break down.

For every 15 miles you run, you get a point. And if you swim backstroke, you get two point in like, dude, this is way too fucking involved. I love those type of emails. I got an email one time about a guy wanting to be my assistant and he was like, here's the deal. You rent a Lambo, okay? You like to drink.

I don't drink. I'll just smoke my medicine and we'll get crazy wild in that whip. And I'm like, I'm sorry, how is this being my assistant? You're just gonna drive me in around in a Lambo? Like you get to drive a Lambo, and then I just get drunk next to you and you get high as fuck.

Dude, some of those emails, that should be like a book of the fucking crazy emails people send you. Yeah, no, I mean, the amount of messages I get still, even having pointed out how bad of an idea and how little interest I have in your engagement and your proposal, and like every week, like, I'm going to be at your show. Cool if you bring us up on stage, so I can propose. No. I would fucking bring you up on stage to watch you get beheaded,

but I don't want to fucking have anything to do. I told you about the time that Strupe brought, did that to me? It's so terrible. Did you, I did, I tell you about that? No. So I did, I did one in Virginia Beach and it murdered. It was so smart.

I brought the guy and girl on stage. I had me and the guy take our shirts off and then we blindfolded the girl and said you got to feel our chests and guess which ones are man. And so she's like okay, so she's blindfolded, our shirts are off, and then he drops to a knee, the whole place goes OHHHHH! She's like what? What is going on? Are your pants on? Are your pants on? Drop the blindfolds. She starts bawling, crying. He proposes. They kiss. Place goes nuts. That's my show. We're drinking at the bar. Fucking amazing. So, stoop here's about it.

And he goes, Hey man, you're good with proposals, right? I said, yeah, yeah. And he goes, all right, that's what Rick said. Cool. I got a proposal for you. Is it cool? I'm going to sit in front row. And I go, yeah, yeah, yeah. So we get up, we get to the thing.

He goes, all right, I talk to him. They're all cool with it You want to do it towards the end of the show and I go yeah, and he goes cool It's this front table right there and I go cool and he goes oh, by the way. It's the girls proposing to the guy What oh, Dave I go no, I keep that's a bad idea. It was already told him. It's happening like I can't not I can't tell him it's not happening It's already happening and it like losing gentlemen bird christ or so I get up I'm doing my act and you know when you have a thought in your head I can't tell him it's not happening. It's already happening. And like, ladies and gentlemen, Bert Kreizer, so I get up. I'm doing my act. And you know when you have a thought in your head,

you can't get your head straight, and the whole time you're fucking up your act, and you're going, and the girls looking at me like, like, now, now, a whole time. So I get towards the end and I go, okay. I'm, I go, okay, come on, get up on stage. I go, I go, I go, I buy them a shot, and I go, you seem like a fun couple.

Okay, let's get you us up on stage. We'll play a game. And go, I buy them a shot and at least seem like a fun couple. Okay, let's get you guys up on stage. We'll play a game and then I'm like, this game's I'm gonna work with a dude and a, yeah, I go, all right. So we're gonna blindfold you and we're gonna take our shirts off and I'm like, the, the girls, I'm like, this isn't working out. So I go, hold on, so we're gonna blindfold you and then we're gonna ease, kiss you on the cheek. It's just is working out. So I get the blindfold on him, right? I get the blindfold on him That's all I got to do and then I look at Soon as the blindfolds on she goes to it me and the whole room goes oh Posed blindfold off he sees her on the knee with a ring. Everyone's like, oh, and he looks at me and he goes,

nah, fucking cool, dude. And then she says, I love you, will you marry me? And he goes, fine. And everyone's like, oh, absolutely put the ring on, they kiss, everyone's like, oh, golf clap. Sit down, it was fucking. Oh, I did it twice. For real?

Yeah, years ago. Yeah. So the first time it was forced on me, it was like, you know, you don't sell any tickets. They're like, so there'll be a proposal during your show. And you're like, okay. And they just come up. And it's like the middle of the show.

And the guy asks her. And I'm like, yeah, congrats, I guess. show and the guy asks her and like you know I'm like I go yeah congrats I guess like get the fuck out of here you know so get off stage like that was a worse experience I go it totally like derails the show none of us have an interest in their lives it's just like a fucking theater for like this might as well be Applebeats like what are you doing so then the next time they actually it happens a little while later hey, this is a proposal and I really like to make it happen and I'm like, I have zero interest in that. And they're like, well, can we do something?

And I'm like, how about this, man? How about, when I say thank you and I'm like saying good night, you can let the guy, like, have the guy yell something out. And I'll lead him into like in other words I'll add to my show. Yeah, thank you. Good night. I was whoa You're not done. Yeah, yeah, yeah, like that kind of thing and

They're like okay, that'd be cool. So I did it and I hated it, you know I I didn't enjoy the moment and it's also like I just feel like it's hijacking It's not that it's hijacking. It's not that it's hijacking. Oh, it changes energy. But it's like, what, you're proposing at a comedy show? Like, you know, it's like proposing

at a movie theater or something. Like it's just like the weirdest choice to make. Like, hey, fucking spider man's on. It doesn't make any sense to me. And I feel like it should be your private thing, whatever. It's your choice. I just don't wanna be involved. Now I get, if I can six emails a month,

I am coming to the show. How can you help me propose? I'm like, dude, I don't wanna do this. Nobody at the show, can you imagine stopping one of those theater shows to be like, on row six? Is there a Dave in here? Yeah, anyway. And there's like 25 Dave's. Is there Dave in here? Yeah, anyway. And there's like 25 days.

Is there a Dave that... There's the proposal, then they're like, dude, my friend, Jeff, he's coming Saturday. You definitely make fun of him if you want. He's in the second row. He's wearing a green hat. And we love to make fun of him. Like, what a game.

Can you light him up? Yeah. Or then also, I'm bringing Steve to the show. If you give him a shout out. Yeah, okay. Hey, how's everybody doing? Steve, you're fucking talking about. Oh.

It's, I fucking hate them. So guys, hit them up at Tom at TomSugaro.com. Yeah. The, uh, just, I'm gonna delete every fucking message. I'm not gonna respond. Gary Menky, one time we were in Cincinnati and they were like, there's a proposal. And I said, who is it?

They go. We got a birthday. Hey, so it's a birthday. It's New Year's Eve, by the way. New Year's Eve, it's the late show. Gary's still doing it. Stand up. Yeah.

I don't know. He's a tour of Michael Buble. Buble, he said, Oh, yeah. For real for real is this opening act? Who play loves him for real the Minkster? Yes, I didn't know that mm-hmm Sorry, no no no, no Minkies. Minkies was just a real treat of a human He just was such a he was just a such a like

He just fucking partied so fucking and yeah when I I noticed that you're making who he booked and it, right? He booked it and he booked it and then booked himself. Yeah, like he go, I got you, you can see. And he was the double booking champ. Yeah. So like you would show up and then they're like, who's this guy and they're like, you're both a middleing.

We're like, how are we both a fucked up? Oh, yeah. Oh, and he, but he booked himself. I remember he booked himself to feature for me for years and they go, there's a proposal. And years. And they go, there's a proposal. And I say, Luke's like, there's a proposal. Luke, by the way, had never come to the club once. He's like, this is my first time at the club at night.

I was like, really? The club you own? Yeah. It's a Luke's like, there's a proposal. I don't know how you want to work that. And I go, no, I got it. I go, who is it? And he goes, Minky knows.

And I was like, okay, Minky will tell me. So then, Minky just goes right up on stage. And I was like, well, fuck, how am I gonna fucking know? And I was like, I'm sure he'll tell me when he brings me up or, you know, in the switch off. Manky's bombing so bad at New Year's that he goes, all right, fuck it, you don't like jokes? Where's Dave?

And he just, and the guy goes, I'ma, I thought I'd do it at the end of the show. And he goes, no, you're doing it now, no, no, let's go. And brought the guy up and the guy's like, oh, in the feature act, in the feature act, Worson. How's it, Chris? Chris, I love you a lot and everyone's like,

what the fuck's going on? They get, she says yes, they go, doesn't carry, Mikey goes, all right, let's bring up your headliner. Oh, no, the worst. Oh, it was such a fucking nightmare. It's the fucking worst, man. Yeah, oh,

Mikey, there was a, there was a, there's a group of legendary road comics that partied way too fucking hard. That, like, I partied pretty hard. Pretty hard, but I caught steam in the mainstream. Yeah, yeah. Where I got out of the road. But Minky's one of those road dogs that was like,

like Ron White. Ron White was a road guy who just got caught into that stream and was like. Yes. Then you look like J. Medicine had died in the target. Yeah, no, we talked about it. Did we? We talked about it on this show. Oh, for real?

Yeah. I talk about it a lot. Yeah. Dude, Ron White bought a jet. I'm so jealous. Another one? No, no, no. But I'm just saying, like, how great would it be to have your own

and do the road right now? Oh, dude, I just want to, we change everything about my touring. I get done a show and I'd be like, all right, I'm out. You go home. I go home immediately. Yeah, it's great. I drink just as much.

More. Do private jets are terrifying. They bump around so much. Did you ever see the video of Louis CK and Ricky Jervaison a private jet when they think it's going down? Uh, who is it that gets scared of flying? Louis. Louis starts yelling out the worst of the entities. You could ever imagine just

murdering booze. You think he's coming back like in front of your face? Yeah, definitely. No. The Louis. Yeah, of course. Yeah, did course. Yeah, did you see the article they wrote about everyone who applauded for him at Skankfest needs to be doxed? Yeah, I thought, wasn't that a parody though kind of thing? I hate to can't tell. Like it's a, that's what's crazy about what's happening with media is you don't know what's real or real.

Like I read that and I was like, okay, this is ridiculous. I thought it was definitely like an onion style article. You know what I mean? Yeah, I couldn't tell. I was, I can't tell. That's the problem is I read an article now and I go, yeah, because then you're like, what website is this? Who wrote this?

You gotta guess the website. I actually googled the guy who wrote it and I was like, wait a minute, is this a real one? But is that the guy that wrote all those joke articles and then got kicked off Twitter? I don't know. I don't know. It might have been, how dare these,

yes, yes, I think it is him. God, that how dare these. Yes, yes, I think it is him. That guy's funny as fuck. Yeah, I think that is him. I know, because Louis keeps popping up in the clubs. They don't even announce it. The clubs don't even go like, and they just put it on their site. And that's how scared they are of like, you know, the backlash. They're just like, we're just going to throw it up on the site.

The people who will find it. Skankfest apologized for Louis. They booked Skankfest. Oh, you mean the venue the venue the venue said we apologize What the fuck I'm why does a venue need to apologize because they get that much back especially in New York City Come on man New York there they the the push is strong there, maybe the strongest. So yeah, they're just trying to cover their asses. I'm just fascinated from a study point of watching the show, of being like, all right, he keeps doing clubs. And obviously they all sell out.

It's like when is he, because promoters in theaters, they'll go with fuck if you killed your family, if you still take it. So they are gonna be like, they'll give a fuck if you killed your family, if you still take it. So, like, they are gonna be like, they're just like, are you ready? Like, they just want him to be like, yeah, go ahead and like, let's do fucking failure or let's do Long Island.

And he'd sell big numbers. Oh, that's the part I wanna seek, cause I know it's substantial. I wanna see like, especially the people who are like, he's done and then they're going to be like, so the Wells Fargo Center, it's going to be crazy. Well, I did my European tour right after a ZZ's, and here's what's interesting out.

Like I hope ZZ's doesn't take offense to this or whatever, I'm not sure he's had worse things said about him, but he wouldn't let them promote for him. He wouldn't let who, the promoters. He gave him one picture they could use to promote, and it was like, it wasn't a comedy picture. It looked like he was in an alt band. Wait, what, why is he doing that?

And he was like, he wouldn't do any press, he wouldn't do any interviews, he wouldn't do anything, and they sold no tickets, but Aziz was like, I'll give a fuck, you wanna do shows with me? Don't promote it, I don't wanna be promoted. Because he didn't want the backlash. He didn't want people that wanted to see him to come to the show.

I got you. It's an interesting concept because like, Yeah, it is interesting. Because, you know, I heard when Charlemagne and Andrew Schultz were on Rogan, Charlemagne said, yeah, I don't like promoting our podcast. They have a brilliant audience podcast, he was, I don't like promoting it.

He was, I don't want anyone to hear it. And he's like, it's fun for me. Just sit here and talk reckless and talk shit. Yeah. And I was like, that's kind of what this podcast is like. He's like, I mean, I want, I, I, I would, I like that people like it, and I want people to like it, and I want to give them. But you're not like, please like it.

I don't want anyone to fucking find this that doesn't want to find this, or doesn't get the joke. Like, and that's where, I think, because he's was like, I don't want fucking someone coming in and going like, now he's promoting himself. That's the weird thing about promoting it. He's been shot another special last month.

Yeah, yeah, it's coming out. He's like Jones directed it. He's like Jones directed special last month. Yeah, yeah, it's coming out. He's spiked Jones directly. Spiked Jones directly, yeah, yeah. He shot four of them. I, you know what's fucked up is that he can't even have a really good me to take, because we were would have already heard it. I don't know, I heard it was really good.

I heard from somebody that went to one of the tapings. That was really good. I want him to, you know, that babe.net is off the internet now. What's that? The website that released that article. Oh, really? It's out of fun. Oh, wow.

Yeah, because people just back last and they were like, fuck you, that wasn't cool. Man, I think, I don't know. I'm hoping does well. I hope that's special does well. I like his ease. You know, he's got to be like, looking at fucking Kumail's career going motherfucker.

Pfft. This is Kumail's blowing the fuck up. Movie star. Stooper. Yeah. It Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.

Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.

Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. T Williams brings a gun on a plane. Dave Chappelle goes to South Africa, and then all of a sudden, Kevin Hart comes out of fucking,

what's the movie, SoulPlanes? SoulPlanes. Comes out of SoulPlanes, and everyone's like, well, he's career's over, SoulPlanes are bomb. Cat Williams brings a gun, Dave Chappelle goes to South Africa. Everyone's like, where are we? Oh, Kevin Hart, all right, come on, let's go. I mean, that's, I mean, that's obviously,

that's simple, simple, simple, simple, by a career I mean that's I mean that's obviously that's simple Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Sim Dude, that movie looks so fucking funny. Yeah, it's funny. And he's doing like, 10 other movies. He's lined up, man. God damn, good for him, man. He's always been the sweetest fucking guy. Yeah, he's a nice dude. Yeah, I remember the one on stage one time, and I said something, oh, fucking, I don't know.

I said something. Probably it probably wasn't it taking well, whatever it said. Very accurate on that. It was definitely in the lane of the joke that we're playing. It was very real. It was like, I love Indian guys or something and Camille comes up and goes,

first of all, I'm Pakistani, you motherfucker. Or whatever it was. But he's a very sweet guy. He's on my podcast. He was. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm on my podcast. A long time ago. A long time ago, yeah.

He was super famous. Now, I texted him though. I texted him though the day Big Sit came out and it was like a success. I texted him and he was super famous now. We I texted him though I texted him the day Big sit came out and it was like a sex success. I texted him and he was like dude. That was very sweet. He'd attacks me Thank you. He and I wrote on a pilot together for comedy central for real Yeah, we were that we were two of the four writers. It was Jonah Ray had a pilot. What's he doing? He's he's a mystery science theater 3000 whatever on Netflix. He's a host of that. He's always got a project. He's doing mystery science theater to 3000, whatever, on Netflix. He's a host of that.

He's always got a pro. He's always got something. And yeah, so Jonah hosted this show. It was like about video games. And it was Kumail, me, two other like writer producers. Yeah. And yeah, that was the years ago. That also didn't get picked up in case you were wondering.

Jonah, Jonah Ray, I was fucking fascinated by him for a period of time because Mark Maren went off on how brilliant his standup was. And I was like, I gotta see his standup. We never worked in the same clubs. So I never got to see it. He's a very nice sweet guy. I'm just fascinated, he's Hawaiian.

Dude, his story's about Hawaii. Yeah, he's a great guy. I listen to him on a podcast and then I went to Hawaii and I kept doing the, he go, what school you've grabbed from Fucker and all the, he go, what school you've grabbed from fucker? And all the Hawaiians go, how do you know that? And I go, I had a friend who grew up here and they go, we slam him hard if he didn't go to our school.

And I was like, oh, Jonah, must have fucking, that must have been a walking hell to be like an alt PC, white kid. White kid into comic books and punk music. Not in deserving, not in a bunch of things. He probably got into some shit, I'm sure. He's a sweetest guy though. Jones, nice.

He's a very sweet guy. All right, so. How do we wrap this up? How do we wrap this up? Do you want to make your case about the final solution? No, so are you good with this pace? People kept asking, you guys got to up it, but we don't have time to do more than this right now.

We are a two-page. I immediately thought, I want to want a week. Yeah, do you want to do it once a week? Yeah, I think we should do once a week. Because I like to, I like to two a week, was like a good idea for us. Two a month. Yeah, two a month.

But then immediately I was like, oh, this is super easy for me to do. It's fun. Like nine in the morning, by the way, I shouldn't tell everyone time this. Nine in the morning, just bang them out. And it's not work. It's like, it's really hard.

I was definitely thinking of challenges we could do when it was two, when we were doing two weeks. I was like, oh, we should do, who can lose the most weight in two weeks. Or I was like, I bet you. This is like, because you're like, you really need to come up with a bit. I was like, oh, we should do, who can lose the most weight in two weeks? Or I was like, I bet you, this is like, because you were like, we really need to come up with a bit. I was like, oh, I gotta go a bit, almost thanks a few. Remember the challenge thing I was saying?

Like, we could do like, yeah, yeah. I was gonna go, I bet you, I could untie any knot you tie quicker than you could untie any knot I tie. I think you're right. I don't know why, but immediately I feel like that's one of your skill sets. It's like the dumbest skill set, but I feel like you're good at it.

I'm going to be like, I'm tying knots. Yeah, it's like, it's one of those things where like, who gives a fuck, but I bet you're good at it. It stinks when you're amazing at something that no one puts value on. Yeah, like I'm tying knots.

Yeah, yeah. In an apocalypse, I always think, what skill set do I bring to the camp? Yeah. Hey guys, do you guys wanna hear about how ironic this is? I can do comedy and tell you about, what happened to Bill? We never saw him again, huh?

He sounded a lot like this. Yep, no, we'll do that. All right. Up next, up next week, watch us untie knots. Untie knots. Thick boy nation with three seas. The beauty of this, or what I'm loving about this podcast, is the uncontrollableness that this it presents.

Like, there's no, you can't control any of this. No, you can't drive the fungary narrative. You just come in and have a couple of beers and just watch your careers spiral. It's gonna be great. We cannot wait to see those montages. We know we should do. I wanna put, we should do guests,

but special guests, only, well, every now and then, but it's gotta be comedy teams. We think we can beat. We could do that. First up, first up, you ready? Yeah. Millennium Crill, Crill, Crill. Okay, how do we beat them and what?

I don't know, we just, in fucking, I don't know, we just destroy them and something. We just like fight them. I don't know, we bring in John Millennium, Nick Crill. Who would you wanna take in a fight? Ooh, I'll take Millennium, because we're white. It's just ways. You know we're both white. I bet Crill, Strap, Craney, because we're white. It's way easier.

We're both white. I bet it's Crowl's grapple or both ethnic people. Alright, we're putting a challenge out right now to John Mulaney and Nick Crowl. Come fuck with us. Oh yeah. Oh, by the way, there's no intro song yet for this, and we need one.

So, you guys are welcome to send the intro song to... Hold on, and we both got to agree on this intro song. Yeah, but we can listen to them on the, like we can listen to them. Okay. Do not do that, let me tell you this, just from having produced podcasts for a while. Don't send a known beat. In other words, don't take, yeah, don't sample actual popular music. Use original stuff only, send it to two bears,

one cave at gmail.com. That's the number two bears, B-E-A-R-S, the number one cave at gmail.com, make it no longer than 60 seconds. 30 to 60 seconds is perfect. This, if we choose it, will play when the podcast starts every episode, but we'll listen to a bunch of them. Yeah, and if you want me to enjoy your mash-up montages

of whatever the fuck, the beginning of this podcast sound would like, don't just post it online and then go and think I'll retweet you. That's not happening, okay? I will watch it with Tom. No, you don't. Tag Tom, either. I will watch it with Tom. No, you don't. Tag Tom, either.

I will watch it with Tommy here, and I will celebrate your brilliance here, but I'm not gonna just fucking, one of the dudes who I really, really like, who's on Instagram, hit me up with the most racist fucking thing, and was like, hey man, I made this, I thought you'd like it, and I was like, and then I didn't reply, and he was like, hey, if you don't want me to post it,

I won't post it. And then in my head, I was like, I'm not gonna tell any artist that's making anything, not to post something. Post if you wanna post it, but I'm not gonna fucking like, I'm not gonna celebrate it, because I got fucking,

I'm doing them trying to maintain a relationship with Big Boy. And so, fucking killer mics about your mind, Big Boy, until they hear this fucking podcast. All right. All right, hit up what? YMH Blue Band, if you want to tag him and anything, follow YMH Studios on Instagram. That shows you like that's inside here,

all the podcasts that are made here. Follow Bert Kreischer, go to his site, BertBertBert.com, get tickets to the Body Shot World Tour. I'm at ThomSugura.com touring with the Take It Down Tour. We're all over the place. All right, we'll discuss upping the podcast.