2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 06 - 2 Bears 1 Cave 2 w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: September 16, 2019

The show begins with Bert recapping his weekend in Atlantic City, NJ after riding his bike there from Philadelphia, PA. This episode also has a "special" appearance from both wives, Christina P and LeeAnn. Plus, a brand new challenge that will assuredly sweep the internet.

Ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, Let's go. Let's go. There's a perfect way to start off this show. 12 years in the making. Is it gonna be a fucking shit show? I haven't put it in my mind. It's gonna be a fucking shit show. It's 100%. Oh, right, welcome to Two Bears. One cave. He is the grand wizard of fun. And I am a nice guy.

He's Bert. I'm Tom, welcome to the show. Tell us about your weekend in Atlantic City. Yeah, I didn't know you didn't do a show. No, I just went there to party. Do that a whole time. You're like, oh, I'm gonna ride a bike to, I was like, damn, and you're gonna ride a bike 60 miles and then go and fucking do a show. 65 miles, dude. It was such a fucking horrific idea. I would never do that again. How hard was it?

It was impossible. It was so much harder than the marathon, but not physically. What was the harder part? Mentally, dude. It was emotionally draining. But can't you just like get going through with side hack trash cans?

You can't cruise? No, no, no, no, no, no. First of all, first of all, New Jersey's roads suck dick. New Jersey's roads are so bad. And if you're in New Jersey and you're trying to defend your goddamn state right now, you've not, you haven't been in New Jersey in 10 years. Or you definitely haven't ridden a bike in there.

I felt like I had anal sex with the state. It was just, that bike seat was cramming my asshole. So hard. How long did it take you? It took me six hours. Six hours? To think about this, this is what got the night before we're talking, everyone in my green room's talking.

And they're like, how long does it take? I go, I don't know, I hadn't thought I'd just threw it. I hadn't thought any of it through. I had the bike idea off it. And someone said, and I had just flown from LA to Philly, right? Which is like five hours. Yeah. And they had said,

a thing's gonna take you five hours. And then someone in the room goes, wow. That's like, imagine if you had been on the plane today and you couldn't have drank and you just had to pedal the whole time. And I went, and I started having a panic attack and I was like, I would have lost my mind. And they're like, do you think a man

if you can't talk to anyone, you can have headsets on because you're in traffic. You can't, you're like biking on highways? On highways, on we biked over to Ben Franklin Bridge. How many people were biking? Two, about 2,500. We raised almost a million dollars for Really? Families of the fallen first responders. Oh jeez. I was one of the top, I was one of the top people were biking. Two, about 2,500. We raised almost a million dollars for really?

Families of the Fallen First Responders. Oh jeez. I was one of the top fun racers. You were? Yeah, yeah, because I passed the bucket around at my show and collected like five grand. And so yeah. You did that in Philly?

Yeah, I just passed the bucket. And I passed the bucket, Tom. I go, all right, before I start the machine story, I'm gonna pass the bucket. Philly is a dicey city to do that, and people are like, take something that for me. One of my camera guys is like, we should put a GoPro on there.

I was like, eh, I don't think we're gonna see that GoPro again. You know something, and feel it, but I'm like, oh, I'm gonna brand new GoPro. And $20. That's $20. The fuck Santa Claus. So we passed around the bucket. We started the bike ride one over the Ben Franklin Bridge

and I went down the Ben Franklin Bridge. I'm looking at my watch. My watch will tell me how fast I'm going. I'm going like 29 miles per hour. I'm like, dude, I'll be done this in an hour and a half. Then we go into the flat parts and I'm just like going 12 miles an hour. Just, dude, at 4. whew, whew, dude.

And then there's 43 miles to go. At 14 miles was, or like 18 miles was the first break, and I went, I'm done. At 18 miles I was like, I'm done. I didn't realize this. I had never ridden my bike 18 miles, which is really far. Is this your bike? It's my bike.

Oh, it's the bike I got for the triathlon. It's a, dude, it is top notch. It is literally one of the best cannon down bike you can buy. It's so funny to look at you. And just think of you with like a top tier bike. Dude, this bike, you can see this bike doing all the work for me.

Like we get downhill my bike. I'm like, I got it. Stop pedaling, just hold on. We go on an uphill, he's like, drop me in a lower gear, motherfucker. Have you heard or seen these new e-bikes? No. The e-bikes that have like some type of electric motor

with them, and they like, they kick on and help where you need it, and then they dial it back when you don't. Dude, I guarantee you there were some plus size women with e-bikes because- Like way ahead of you? Yeah, by the way, I know what I'm saying is a hate crime. There were so many fat chicks beating me. Like, you have no idea.

You have no idea. They were definitely out. How many, you know all the things that you're not allowed to say about overweight women anymore But I was yelling them in my head as they passed me. Yeah, I was like you fucking cat like just I was so angry And they were just all beating me. Oh, I got beat by so many people it got to the point where I was like I was like something wrong with me physically like like like, physical man, like, people were slow up because obviously, you know, some people knew me. They'd like something like, hey man, big fan.

So tell me about two pairs of what games is right next to him. And I couldn't speed up to get away from them. I know I could just stuck next to them, like sure, whatever you want to talk about buddy. So dude, it was at 80 miles, I was done, right? Yeah. At 32 miles, I realized I had not chilled Dude, it was at 18 miles I was done, right? Yeah.

At 32 miles, I realized I had not chilled any of my water and now it's hot. It's like 98 degrees on the road. It's so hot and Philly, and New Jersey. My water is so hot, all I want is cold water, all I want is cold water. I'm like freaking out. I pull into the 34 mile est area,

and I am met by the people at the Burgada who know I'm riding there and they go would you like a cold water and I was like oh my god and then one guy says to me I've never gotten my dick hasn't got hard for a food ever. One guy says to me would you like an ice cold uncrustable and I went what's an

uncrustable I'm sorry you don't know it uncrust can you pull up a picture of an uncrestable? I'm sorry, you don't know what an uncrestable. Can you pull up a picture of an uncrestable please? Uncrestables are the greatest fucking invention. They're like dumplings for peanut butter and jelly. They're like peanut butter and jelly, Robbie Oles. And you, you're aware of these? Oh, am I aware of them?

Are you, you've never had an uncrestable, Tom? Never. Oh my god. Is it like a northeastern treat? My mouse actually fucking watering. I might go get uncrustables today. They seldom hear? They're amazing, Tom.

They're in the freezer section, right? You then put them in your fridge. They're ice cold. You can, what you can do is dump them in an egg wash and then cook them up like a, like a, like a, dump them in a what? dump in like an egg wash and make them like a, like a French toast on both sides

and it gets hot in the center. Tom, you've never had an uncrustable. Never. Are you fucking kidding me? No, go get some. That's like, I feel like this is what high school kids are like, you've never had a gay experience. We're all doing it.

Yeah. Like, Did you ever do that? Did you ever like kiss a dick or anything like that? No, no. By the way, I know what I'm saying is a hate crime, but I am so old school that when you say, when I hear people say stuff like,

yeah, I had a period where I was gay like when dudes. I'm always like, oh, you're still a guy. Well, yeah. Just for the record, you had a period and it's still going on. If they say I was, and yeah, if they're like, you're still a guy. Well, yeah. Just for the record, you had a period and it's still going on. And they say I was. And yeah, if they're like, you know, I blew these four guys,

then they're like, maybe they're past it, you know? I mean, like, I remember, I remember, and by the way, there's like famous people that I know that have done their show and they've been like, yeah, what's your hangup with hookin' up with guys? And I'm like, what? Yeah. Wait, you've done their podcast? I've done, yeah, or whatever their thing was, yeah, what's your hang up with hookin' up with guys? And I'm like, what? Yeah.

Wait, you done their podcast? I've done, yeah, or whatever their thing was, yeah. I've done it. And I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't, Jason Ellis. And I couldn't, Jason Ellis said it to me on his show. And I couldn't see, I couldn't tell if he was fucking with me. He was like, what's your hang up about, I'll get up with guys. And I was like, and I was looking around the room for someone to go, we're fuckin' with you. But everyone's like, yeah, what's your hang up about? Oh, I got up with guys. And I was like, and I was looking around the room for someone to go, we're fucking with you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But everyone's like, yeah, what is your hang up? And I was like, I just don't do it. Like, that's, but then, but now I, now. Not even in your frat days. Dude, I mean, I'm into gay shit. Like, like, like, if a guy passed out, gay shit happened to him.

Like, yeah, yeah. Like, but it never like, never. By the way, I'm not shitting on Jason Ellis in this. I'm cool with what he does. I, yeah, yeah. But it never like, you never know. By the way, I'm not shitting on Jason Ellis in this. I'm cool with what he does. I just, I don't do it. But you never like put your finger in someone's ass. Never, never, never.

I couldn't, I can't wrap my head around. I remember hanging out with two black guys. Let's just call them, f***ing, f***ing, f***ing. And they were like, and they were like, well, you never run a train on the chick and I was like, no. And they're like, no, you never, like train on a chick. And I was like, no.

And they're like, no, you never, like that was like super pot. Black guys, I've always, not all black guys, but they were always like, you never ran a train on a chick? Dude, I can't imagine running a train on a chick. I can't imagine, I can't imagine running a train on a chick. I mean, I never did that, but it sounds fun. Oh, not at all. I don't find it, I think that is so,

I don't find that appropriate. I don't like, I- What, that people are lined up waiting to go. You're looking at another dude, and then like, what if you're the guy that comes into the train and puts on a condom, and everyone's like, oh, you don't trust where we've been? Yeah.

Like, I can't- What about this? What's this? Check this out. I don't even where we've been. Yeah, like I can't. What about this? What's this? I can't even like train porn. Really? Uh-uh. I don't, I don't, I don't. I don't think this is train porn,

but it's definitely different, you know? Okay, that's cool. You like that? Like I make sense at least. But he's pissing in his mouth. Yeah, I don't understand. I understand him doing it. Okay.

Wow. He just went Italian fountain on her. He's got so much pee. Oh. Oh. Oh. Kind of looks like Santa a little bit. How is he peeing that much? You know what he did? You know what he did? I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I could not That's his asshole. Yeah, wow for a second. I was like that's hot. Then I was like that's his asshole Still hot Yeah, why she just jerking him off. I don't know well, she's getting it ready Just trying to get a little more solid Look He's peeing again. Yeah talk about water champ This guy's got so much urine in him. I know And there is not one prostate problem. They really seem to enjoy it. God

I don't even know if I could do that if I was in love with the person. In love? Like... Now you do this precisely because you're not in love. No, no, no, no, no. This is something I'd only do as long as I loved. Wait, I wouldn't piss in a stranger one night's stand smells. Oh, I would. Well...

He is still being, this isn't real. This isn't real. But this isn't... Jesus. But you know what must be... What's he gonna do now? He's drinking... Through a funnel.

He's drinking it though. He's really drinking. Look how happy everybody is. Oh, Santa Claus and the elves. Look at them. Dude, can I tell you, when we were kids, there was this... There was this dad. This dad this guy's name is burnt by the way No, it is it is it is I swear that way it is dude. That's called uncle Albert's pool party. Yeah, oh you serious?

Where yeah, that's so funny. I have a pool party happening at my house. Oh, yeah, well everyone's 14 13 so I can't wait That's how you do it. No Dude I I can't wait that's how you do it. No Dude I I can't Imagine I can't imagine the like how is if that's you're into what's the first conversation like to get that started? I got a piss And she's like oh, are you gonna go? I'm gonna be like I mean is something wrong with here I use kind of see how it's received I think like hey And she's like, oh, are you gonna go? I'm be like, I mean, is something wrong with here? I used to kind of see how it's received, I think.

Hey, you ever had a guy, no, be real, be real. Think about, okay, your thing is, pissing in your mouth and then spinning your piss in her mouth. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

So then, what is the real comfort, like the pretend, close your eyes, like lights out and you guys are hooking up and you're like hey Have you ever had a guy piss in your mouth? No, I don't think you I think you you're like you get worked up And you're like you like nasty shit. Oh, I want to she's like oh wait Hold on you want you want it to be like this? Oh you're so hot. You're so so hot I just want to piss in my mouth in this bit in your mouth. Yeah, that works That works because that girl the one who says yes is gonna say yes to the way you just said it. You know?

This is my impression of me and Leanne. Me asking for, I go here, this is a little while ago. Just, oh, it's so hot. Oh, so hot. But you're figuring my ass. What? Nothing. That's how it went.

Nothing, I don't know. I didn't say anything. I think it must be the air conditioner. You must have heard something else. Do you see, you want me to finger your ass hole? No, no, no, no, no.'t say anything. I think it must be the air conditioner. You guys have heard something else. Do you see a woman of finger, your asshole? No, no, no, no, no, is this- Would she not do it? No.

Do you want her to do it? No, I mean, we can work on her. No. Sometimes you get like so fucking caught up in the moment. Yeah. You're like, you think crazy shit, and then, but Lance and not that person. Not finger in the ass.

Uh oh, no, I can't get it. No, I can't get it. No, I can't get it. No, Liam would be like, what, why'd you say? What, you want, what? Huh? Huh? No, no, no, I'm not doing that.

No. I bet if I called it right now, you hear it go, no, no, no, I'm not doing that. Ask her. Cause I definitely know what the answer is. From push. For real? Yeah, of course, it's just like, no, I hear what comes out of there.

It's disgusting, I don't wanna do it. Well, do your impression of push saying it. Nope. Uh-uh. And nope. Absolutely. No, it's disgusting. It's hot.

You're always farting your gross. Let's see what the animal... No! No! Baby, is this what you called for? I'm getting ready for a birthday party. Can I call you later? That's gonna be almost verbatim what she says. Hello?

Hey, babe. Hi, babe. Have you ever put a finger in my ass? Or would you put a finger in my ass, drink sex? Absolutely not. No. No. Why? Why? Because that's the poop shoes. No, no, no, no, no, no, no Okay, we're gonna Okay, hold on we're calling push to see if she do it for Tom. Hey babe. Hey

Okay, hold on, we're calling push to see if she do it for Tom. Hey, babe. Hey, um, quick question. Would you ever, would you put a finger in my ass while we're doing it? Is it really with something you required? Yeah. Oh! Push just gave Tom a green light, babe. Oh, really?

Yeah. Uh, nothing. I can't wait to see you Sunday. Listen, listen, listen. Call push. Call push. I love you. I'll talk to you later, okay? I police. I'll give you. I'll talk to you later. Okay. I'll talk to you later. Okay. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later.

I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. I I'm pretty fired up for Sunday. For Sunday, do you guys plan it? No, but she's at a town. Where is she? She's doing shows, Salt Lake. Oh wow. Yeah. You know what I don't know.

Lannan and I had sex the other morning. Fucking outrageous. I really brought the game. Oh, you did? Oh, yeah. Do you guys have like, do you guys have like, like almost like a lineup of what you do? Like, we start doing this,

then we move to this, then we move to this, and then this how we finish. I mean, you know, most of the time, yeah. You know what, we did one time, we did this thing called, called, you know the 12 nights of Christmas?

Yeah. We did this thing called the 12 nights of Commissue Tra. I think you told me this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Somebody gave you guys the book or, yeah. Yeah, and so me and like four other families are awesome, four of the families each night in Christmas during December, 12 different times.

We did 12 different positions. Jesus. Leanne was fucking on, because it was fun, and it was a game, and everyone was doing it. And the whole family's involved. Not the kids. Oh, I don't know. George, I love, come here.

Do you know what down dog is? Okay, both of you guys. Did you also find positions you didn't like for your legs? No, I did not find one position. Really? Yeah, my favorite one was, I'm laying legs like this. No was I'm laying legs like this no Legs like this sideways. She's laying legs like this

But these are our backs that was the my favorite one and I've tried to do that again, and she's like no No, no, no, just that just that one time she was so fucking into it She's got to make it a game again, man. Yeah, which did I got like like, I wish that I got the, like, the crea- You ever, like, the crazy girl that I hear stories about? What do you mean? Like, she was, like, when I met her, she was wild. She'd jump off a fucking rock in the ocean and swim out, like, a hundred yards

and you just never had a girl like that? No, Leanne was that girl. Oh, was that girl? And now she's like, so like, like, she won't even jump off a rock. That's not, I'm not even talking like sexual stuff, but like, she won't even jump off a rock. That's not even talking like sexual stuff. But like, she won't even jump off her rock. Like we went all jumped off her rock in Alabama

and she was like, no, I'm not jumping off the rock. She got more conservative. She's gotten so like, set in her ways. Tell me about your haircut. Oh yeah. This is something, man. So like a month ago, I'm walking out, I cut my own hair sometimes, you know,

because it's just like whatever. And I walk out of this place, it's a restaurant, and there's like a salon next door, and I go, I just wanna see if they have, like, I don't like beard oil or something, right? And they go, oh, you know, there's actually a barber around the corner here, he has everything. So I stop in there, he shows me what he's got,

he goes, are you trying to get it cut right now? He goes, yeah, I go, I can't, but he says he can't because he doesn't have the time. He's like, well, why don't you make an appointment? I've never met the guy, this is literally how it's happening. I'm leaving a place, they just go try this guy out. So I go, okay, a couple days ago I go, it's starting to get like bushy,

I go, I'm gonna let the guy do it, see, because I always fuck it up anyways, even though it's easy. So I tell him, I call, it's starting to get like bushy. I'm gonna let the guy do it. See, you know, I always fuck it up anyways. You even though it's easy. So I tell him, I call, I get the appointment. I come in, he's like, you know, sits me down, puts on TV. He's just like, yeah, all right, man, like, you know, we go over, like, what he's gonna do. I'm like, okay, cool.

He starts cutting my hair and he's like, you know, people say, not the talk politics, but, I kind of think you should. I'm like, I should. I go. All right, all right, stop right there. What do you think? When he says that, do you go, oh, this is a definite Trumpers border? Are you like, I can't wait to hear about Kamala Harris.

I'm waiting, I'm thinking like I'm not entirely sure, but I'm thinking that we're going to lean right here. We're going to lean right. Yeah, we're going to lean right. And he's like, as he's cut, he goes, he's still, he's like, so we're gonna lean right here. We're gonna lean right. Yeah, we're gonna lean right. And he's like, as he's cut, he goes, he's style, he's like, so where do you stand? And I'm like, on everything. And he's like, you know, just like,

how do you identify yourself? And I'm like, I'm like, Harry, keep cutting. Yeah, I'm like, I don't know. In need of a cut. Yeah. So I'm like, I don't know. Nervance. Yeah, keep cutting. Yeah, I'm like, I don't know. In need of a cut. Yeah. So, I'm like, I don't know. Nervous. Yeah, totally nervous.

I was gonna find his scared right now. He starts cutting and he's like, yeah, you know, I mean, there's a lot of problems, but, you know, I'm not gonna let him take my guns, you know what I mean? And I'm like, I'm like, right away, I'm like, oh yeah, he goes, I mean, you know, I carry and I don't, you know, I carry. It's how I feel safe. I go, you have a concealed carry permit and he goes, no. And I go, oh, you're just, you're just walking around with a gun and a lot of angelus. And he goes, I'm not breaking any laws and I go, well you are with the gun. No, you don't, I really, that's why the law works.

Yeah, I go, this is, you know, you know, it's like, he goes, I know, but he goes, you know what's something for kind of funny, man? If I get stopped, I go, do you like, if a cop pulls you over and asks you, do you say you have one, he goes, no, I'm not gonna let them in French upon my rights. And I was like, oh shit.

So, he keeps cutting and I'm like gonna let them infringe upon my rights. And I was like, oh shit. So, he keeps cutting, and I'm like, he goes, besides, it's just a misdemeanor. And he goes, if it's a switch plate, it's a felony. How fucking crazy is that? And he's like, if it's a switch plate, it's a felony. Turn to the right. I got, yeah.

I go, well, yeah, you know, it's fucking pretty wild that you do that. And he's like, what do you think of Antifa? And I'm like they're fucking nuts Fuck those guys like they're crazy and shit. He's like right right right that's it up Cutting cutting you know I give a lot of these short haircuts to white guys It's been the most popular haircut haircut I've been given out lately. He goes, he goes, you know, I mean, here's the truth, man.

You know, somebody asks me what I think of abortion, and I'll tell you, man, I don't like the way it makes me feel. And I go, wait, what is this going back? This is on the same line as way he carries a gun. You're like, wait, have you been a part of abortion? He goes, I perform over and over every now and then it's not illegal I go yeah, I go however you feel is fine He goes yeah, I mean I'm not trying to tell someone what to do with their body But I get sad when babies die

That's definitely I hear you on that man because I have when babies died and he's, what do you think's gonna happen in 2020? And I go, who knows? He goes, yeah, Trump's gonna win. And I go, that's cool. And he's like, Did you watch your Democratic debates? He's like, they have debates. He goes, he goes, you know, I'll tell you the truth how I feel about it.

I love that he's been, right now, he's been holding back this all the time. By the way, I haven't asked how do you feel. So he's like, I'll tell you how I feel. You know what time I'm in a level with you. Yeah, and I'm like, let her rip. He goes, I think he's a douchebag, and I think he's an asshole,

and I think he's a narcissist, but I like the way he's running this country. Ooh, like that, and I go, okay. And then he stops, and he's like, you know, people keep talking about, you know, the babies the babies and cages you know Obama built those cages yeah I'm like I got yeah yeah and then he busts out the fucking straight razor and I'm like yeah Obama's a fucking asshole he's got a straight razor doing your neck you're yeah. So yeah, so that's my new guy.

I'm gonna get haircuts every week now. Dude, I wanna get a haircut from him. Oh, we can doubt this. I said that. I would love to get a haircut from him, but go in and bait him. Oh. And be like, sit down and be like,

Hey man, you gotta put this I can keep my gun. Oh. And he's like, oh, do I? He would, he would love. Pulse a book, a bookcase, putt comes back. Dude, there is no better feeling There's like I don't like commentations. So if a guy if that guy starts doing that to me. Yeah, I just chime in Yeah, I really bush him dude, it's what it's a survival instinct

That's what made me bothered about the whole Billy Bush thing is like Billy Bush's job was just to get the fucking interview I know like it's he he wasn't say I don't I don't remember the whole thing and if you were around like Billy Bush's job was just to get the fucking interview. I know. He wasn't saying, I don't remember the whole thing. And if you were around, like, let's say, let's say you take out Trump, you say like it's Michael Jordan. And he was like, you know, I can just stick my dick at anyone's mouth. You'd be like, ah, yeah. Fuck him.

And right now you're going, wait, is he talking about me? Yeah. And that's still, but I don't mind a commentation. And I'm not the person who's going to confront an Uber driver or like a, like, I know, I know, you just go like, yeah, whatever you want, man. Yeah, you're fucking lunatic, I guess this conversation, this is how this goes, my dad is super confrontational.

Like we played golf with these guys, we played golf and then we had drinks with these guys and my dad was a little buzzed and one of the guys there was like, was was like someone said don't bring up Trump to him And my dad goes do you think he's a fucking lunatic too? And the guy goes no I voted for him and I'll vote for him again And my dad goes and you're what's wrong with this fucking country and I'm like dad you're 72 You're drunk and you ate an edible you cannot fight. I'm having these are my fans

We're just selling tickets here dad. Let him fucking vote for Trump. Who gives a fuck? Where was this? This is a Toy Pines. Is that in it's down in the Hoya And he's sitting there yelling at that guy. He's all has no My dad really dislikes Trump like really dislikes Trump and you I just Like I'm always a shocked people care about anything so So like, I'm like, I'm was like, really? Yeah, I'm like, you guys really,

are we really gonna talk about this? Yeah, I'm not into, like, arguing with anybody about it, because I also feel like it's a waste of energy. Like if you're pro or against, I'm like, that's cool, that's great, good for you. I like, I've enjoyed watching the democratic debates, but I'm like, I don't really have like a, I don't really care, I don't really give a fuck.

I don't know, I think that's what I'm wrong with this, I'm definitely what's wrong with this country. Like I'm not caring at all. I don't even know technically where Hong Kong is. Like, I mean, I know it's, I don't know if it's part of China or part of... I know that it's like an island, but like if you said, if you put out a map

and you were like, find Hong Kong on a map, I've probably point to Taiwan. Well, you wouldn't be like, you know. Okay, I didn't know it was a tax to China. Yeah, but it's still like, you know. Is it a tax to China the way that Manhattan's a tax to the US? I think you would have thought. Okay, by the way, I would never have thought it was there. Okay keep pulling out keep pulling out Keep pulling out okay, I would definitely would have pointed to Taiwan. I definitely would have been or Japan

I would have never guessed that's where Hong Kong is really I? I would have never, in a million, I didn't know was that close to the Philippines. I would have definitely pointed to time. Have you been there? Yeah, I actually have. Twice. You've been there twice? I have no idea where it is.

I've been there so far. I feel like that about Indiana. Like that kind of like, yeah. When I found out, Indianapolis was Indian, and Indiana was on Bobbent Tom, and I was like, I was like blown away. I go, sweet.

I thought Indianapolis is in Baltimore, and they're like, why would you think that? You're thinking of Annapolis? I was thinking of Annapolis. Why do you guys keep having these pictures of these guys, the most influential careers you've probably never heard of?

I have no idea. I think that's just an advertisement. We have to take that down. My apologies in advance for switching sets on you. We're doing this because of our scheduling, trying to get both of us in here at the same time, is difficult. So that's why you're seeing this. Don't let your brain shut down.

It's just, I've moved locations for a moment and then it'll go back there. And if you're listening, you're like, I don't understand what's going on, that's your problem. All right. If you could go one place in the country married with your wife, then with your children,

three different places, married with your wife, one with your children, and then with just guys Where would those three places be? Okay? Well married? You mean like just with your wife doing your wife? So it's like a romantic place. Yeah, so like probably Napa. That's a great place Oh, Napa. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I was thinking international. Oh international No, but Napa's going I take Napa because then it's like a quick flight up. Yeah, Napa's a good one. Napa's a good one Okay, with the kid what was supposed to goapa's a good one. Okay, off fuck. What? I was supposed to go out on a date with Leanne last night.

Fuck. That might better be why she rejected your asshole. Oh, that is exact. She was so pissed this morning, and I couldn't figure out why, and then I just up the an and doubled down on it and got pissed at her. And I was like, this is what happens when you wake up in a bad mood.

Everyone's in a fucking bad mood. Everyone's in a fucking bad mood. I totally forgot. She was like, we should go on a date Thursday night. Everyone's in a fucking bad mood. I totally forgot. She was like, we should go on a date Thursday night and I was like, definitely. Did not, I did fucking. Did you go out last night? No, no, no, I just watched a movie with the girls.

And what wasn't she like? Let's go out. No, I fucked that up. Anyway, okay, Napa's a good one. Okay. Napa, and then, okay, now you and the family. The whole family? Yeah. I think the whole family I'd like to go Switzerland?

Really? Yeah. That's funny. I always want to go to Hawaii with my girls. Oh, that's a nice one. Hawaii is my favorite place to go with my family. Hawaii is great. I was saying. Hawaii's the greatest. Safe as fuck. Beaches are also awesome with the family.

And the second you get to Hawaii, they're like, they're like, hello, ha! Like this is our whole life is about you having with the family. And the second you get to Hawaii, they're like, they're like, hello ha, like this is our, our whole life is about you having a good time. That our whole infrastructure is to make sure you leave going, I'm coming back. Yeah, that's what I love about Hawaii. Now Hawaii is amazing. The whole, all the islands, they're amazing.

All every, I have never had a bad time in Hawaii and my life, except for the time. Oh Jesus. Ha ha ha ha. Then we did, they my life except for the time. Oh Jesus. Ha ha ha. Then we did that just how to gather my shaved your tits. Yeah. That was the fucking, that was still was funny. Remember that our friend was spiraling in his hotel room.

Drinking, half hand over. It's a man, careers over, world name. We're all done. And he was like, Oh, drinking, we're like, why is he like, you guys ruined, you pissed off the Navy. You pissed off the the Navy good luck with your careers. Yeah, I guess I'll be okay, but God I'm drinking for you He was I tried to fucking help you guys out and you fucking spit in my face. Oh, you're fucked me. You fucked me in the ass

Okay, no, what about you? What, here's what happened. We did, so in Hawaii, where obviously there's a huge naval base, they also do war games every three or four years. So like, all like Allied navies come there, and they have these war games, and it's just like a huge military show, right? And they do air show boats, people, you know,

and then it's also a very big social event. So they're having a big fucking show on like Saturday night on like a... It's for the night. It's like, yeah, and it's like an amphitheater lawn. So it's just as outdoors and it goes back and it's just people as far as you can see how many people would you guess were there? I mean, it's hard to like remember exactly. I mean, it's over 10,000. Oh, yeah, yeah, I was gonna get 15,000

Yeah, it was it's tens of you know just thousands of people and the highlight is a comedy show three comedians a host a feature and Then a headliner right so the headliner we had at the time well They they had a headliner dropped out backed out and then another headliner. Right, so the headliner we had at the time. Well, they had a headliner dropped out. Backed out. And then another one backed out. Yeah. And then so they're scrambling and I am friends with Russell Peters, so I call him, I tell him the deal,

and he's like, fuck it, let's do it. So he comes along, and he's, you know, he became even bigger after that, but at the time he's already like, you know, the one of the biggest comedians in the world. Yeah. So he's not an America, but in the world. Right. So everybody, a lot of international people are there, right?

They start to get super excited that he's there. So before the show, they basically don't tell Russell anything, right? But to us, they pull us aside and they're like, so there's a four star general admiral at the, Hold on, hold on, go back, you gotta go back. This is just to plant the seed on this. Never mind, you're right, keep going. I'll tell you,

I'll tell you, there's no Russell goes on stage. So there's like a four star admiral or whatever. Like one of the highest ranking people in the United States Navy is going to be there. And then so are a couple people like directly below him. So like top tier naval people are there. And they're like just a couple rules.

Like don't be dirty. Don't like say God damn or anything like that. Don't insult the Hawaiians. Hawaiians don't talk about fucking Pearl Harbor, please. Yes. Yeah. Those are the rules. Those are the rules.

And we're like, all right, cool. So I go up first. I went up first. You went up first. I went up first. And I was like, I've done this before. I'll go up. I'll just do the exact same set I did last time.

And I'll just, and it'll be fine. And now there was a thing I used to say when I, my opening joke was my name's Bert. I know what you're thinking. Hot sexy name. Do you do porn? No, I don't Burst the last name you want to hear during sex some chick on top you in the dark just uh-uh-uh Boat-boat-boat that was a joke But when I needed it to be clean. I'd say some girl Some girl in the throes of passion right and there's a difference between the th the throws of passion and some girl on top of you during sex.

Yeah. It's my opening joke. It's my opening joke to 15,000 people. And it doesn't get a laugh. It gets like a, and I'm like, oh, fuck, I fucked it up. And now I'm in the weeds. I'm immediately 10 minutes in. I'm in the weeds going, fuck it.

I'm backing it up. I'm like, like, yeah, everyone want to get a blowjob from a deaf chick. She just like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh'm like, like, yeah, everyone I get a blowjob from a deaf chick. She just, oh! And I'm like, I'm like, nothing's going right. I get off stage and I'm like, oh my God. Tom is just, he's like, it was a good job. It was a good job. And I was like, uh, ladies and gentlemen,

Tom Sakura, shake hands. Tom's opening joke is, uh, man. They told me that down here in Hawaii, that island life was slow. I didn't know they were talking about their metabolism. God, these people are fat as fuck. That's his first joke, first joke, right? It got, by the way, which gets a huge laugh.

And then I had, I remember I had, you know, Mahalo has a lot of different meanings. I guess one of them is also extra cheese. Hahaha. Hahaha. And then he says, beautiful, basic guy here today. Beautiful, basic guy here. I was taking a walk around and I got lost. Luckily, I ran into a group of Japanese people

who were pretty clear about the ways to get around this bay. Hahaha. Man, they knew this place inside out. Like they had flown over to some point. And by the way, it's killing in the audience, but it's breaking all the rules, right? Yeah, it's the rule breaking.

Tom gets off, he literally does very well, gets off, and brings up Russell. Yeah. Comes to me, and as soon as Russell gets on, we hear like a, now, cut to two days before. Two days before, Tom and I get offered, Tommy and Russell, we've all got offered to do a bunch of things on the base. Tom and I did all of them.

Russell did, I don't think, he did one of them. That he was mostly asleep for. It's mostly sound asleep for. And we got on a boat to go take a round and get a private tour of where the Pearl Harbor boats were and his girlfriend at the time, as we get on the boat, as we get on the boat, the boat looks at us and goes, ooh, does this go underwater?

We're on a boat and we're like, and Russell goes, hey, just stop talking. Yeah. She's like, we're gonna go down and see the sun the sunken like USS Arizona or whatever it is and like the guy There's like a naval guy who's just like hold up like what Everybody starts laughing the whole time toward Tom's going all right hold your breath Kimberly But then we start call her name was Kimberly and we started calling her dimberly But then we started calling her name was Kimberly and we started calling her dimberly Yeah

At one point and dinner me Russell and his brother and Kimberly and Tom and our wives are sitting there And there's a Russian or an Indian porn star Sierra Leone is that her name? I think that's a country There's a there's an Indian porn star and I say to Russell I go oh my god Do you know there's an Indian porn star and immediately Russell's brother starts starts dying laughing? I'm Russell starts going with his eyes like His girlfriend wait you keep going she's so I think I think she has real tips. I don't't know, but dude, I am telling you,

Indian women are so fucking hot. You're like, I would leave my wife to fuck this chick. She's so fucking hot. And then she just hops up. She goes, that's Russell's ex girlfriend. Get up and leave. And Russell goes, could you not read my eyes? His brother Clayton is dying fucking laughing.

Yeah. And so, but now one of the days, one of the outings we did, we took the girls to go, it was, we were shooting guns. And it was like, but it wasn't real guns, it was like air rifles, but it was like target practice. It's how they, they go, this is how we train our soldiers to fight in the war. No, that was the Marines.

These are how we train the Marines. How to fight and war. This is exact Marine training. We will change not one thing. As a matter of Yeah, how would you say Marines? How to fight and war? This is exact marine training. We will change not one thing. As a matter of fact, the girls went to the bathroom and Tom goes up and he goes, Hey, can you do me a favor? Do when the girls come in,

do you like a misogynistic joke about like the girls? Like, this is why we don't like girls in the military or something. And the guy goes affirmative. And the girls walked in. Do you remember how he was like, God damn it? This is why we don't let skirts in the military. You ladies get lost like a lady drive in the car and

Pushingly and shut the fuck down and Tom and I like pump the fucking brakes Well, remember he was like he's like you guys have kids and You guys were like you guys were at the time we didn't have kids you have two daughters You're like we have two daughters And he's like, yeah, I got a daughter, but luckily I got a son too, which is great. It's the one that makes me happy, right? But the thing he kept saying over and over and over to us that a whole day, do you remember? If it's brown and it moves, you kill it!

And onstage, walks Russell Peter. Brown and moving. And on top of that, I can think, there's a whole group of people going, just Pavlovly and they're just going, if it's brown and it moves, you kill it. And Russell's walking roll around stage. Oh yeah.

Yeah. He did great, by the way. He did great too. But then we were like, that was a great night, but, man, when we saw the organizers later, they were like, why did you ruin this for everyone? Oh, we were like, we were, oh, god. What are we talking about?

Everyone had a good time. They're like, no, one of the admiral's wife's is crying. Yeah, like, okay. Fuck that, you know what? That bothers me so much about anything corporate, because they tell, like, they tell you, go, don't be dirty. Don't do this, and you go up and you fucking murder. And then, and then they come off, they're like,

you know what, you upset one person. Yeah. And then I got ruined from colleges because of one fucking show at Northeast work Did you really did you ever do juniors in eerie? No, yeah, that was an all clean club for like 7-8 years and I I worked there three times and How did you do that the first time as a middle and I was like oh that that's not too bad like figuring it out and No, so I think I'm middle twice. And then the last time was the headline,

I needed the work. And I remember the lady owns it. And they pick you up from the airport. And they're like, so it's clean. You're like, yeah, it was explained to me when it was booked. And then they're like, yeah, just, we like it clean. And you're like, I got it. And then you get picked up for the show.

And they're like, don't forget. You know, clean. And you're like, don't forget, you know, clean and you're like, yeah, we've been over this. Yeah, yeah. And then you're in the show room about to go up. Have a good set. It's clean. It's clean right?

And you're like, Jesus Christ. Beatrice delivering drinks in the front row. It's clean. No, that right. And then like I did a show, probably like at the time, 50 to 55 minutes and I get off stage and I'm like, wow, I did it. to 55 minutes, and I get off stage and I'm like, wow, I did it, you know, I did a clean hour, basically. And she pulls me and she goes,

I heard you said penis on stage. And I go, you heard? She's like, yeah, one of the servers told me, I go, they're ranting on. And then he's like, it's the woman, the lady. She goes, I go, well, isn't like, that's an anatomical term. Like, I didn't say, dick, I didn't say anything,

I was referring to the anatomy. And she's like, okay, just, let's leave it there. And I'm like, okay. And then her husband comes in agreement, he's like, you want to hear a good black joke? And I'm like, what? And he's just like letting it rip. And I'm like, what? And he's just like letting it rip. And I'm like, is this okay?

They're like, well, in here, not out there. Jesus Christ. I love this the worst. I remember doing it in Texas one time and they were like the Moran brothers, Kelly, Kevin, and I forget the other day, I'm gonna never tell you about the Moran brothers. They were fucking fascinating. They were fucking fat three brothers. Oh in a club owned a club in Amarillo

all Arguably addicted to bills arguably arguably I just say that to be fair I think a bunch of them I think they're all dead already. Yeah, but like one of them would pick you up And he had a gimp arm and he would smoke and he was so high he'd smoke, comb his hair and drive with all with one hand. Like just like, you know, in like the throes of like a morphine addicted.

Yeah. Oh, and driving and then be like, I'm gonna pull over, I gotta pick something up real quick and he just going in by drugs and you'd be sitting in the car like, okay, but I remember the first time I was there. He was like, he was like, I got one rule. No GDs on there.

You can say the, any says, you can say the N word. You can say this about Mexicans. You can say this about Les Mines and Gays, but while I hear one GD and I'm pulling you off the fucking stage. I was like, so I think, can't say God damn it. And he was like, what did I just tell you? God, man. What I asked, I was talking to the wife think he had to say God damn it. And he was like, what did I just tell you? God man. When I asked, I was talking to the wife

was so crazy at juniors, but the husband, you know, I go, I mean, this, I go, what's the obsession with the, like, why is it so, I go, you don't even, people want to see comedy. Yeah. He's like, it's what she likes. And she, you know, she bought this so that she could promote clean comedy.

I was like, all right. And I go, have you ever had it like somebody couldn't do it? He was like, oh, yeah. And I go, I go, what happened? He goes, there's this fucking guy named J.B. Smooth. And I go, I go, I go, when I need to push it, I jump on him, don't do it. He goes, I go, what, wait, tell me what happened?

He goes, well, we bring him in from New York City, you know, already that's a slur from New York City. Yeah, one of those city blacks and he comes in here. He goes, you know, we go over the thing, like we give him the, you know, these are the rules and he's like, yeah, I got you. And he goes, hey, goes up there. And in the first five minutes, he says, motherfucker, 35 times. So he does his show and he comes off and I go,

what the fuck was that? And he goes, what? And I go, I thought we're gonna keep it clean. He goes, man, that's how I talk. And then he's like, we got fired him immediately, sent him back. And I was like, I'm sure the audience had a great time and they don't care. They don't care. They're just like, yeah, sent him back. And I was like, oh, and I'm sure the audience had a great time. And they don't care.

They don't care. They're just like, yeah, but you cursed. Oh, that's, I, when we did the Jamison Comedy Tour, we the first place it was a place called Laphs in Kirkland, Washington. Yeah. And remember that I, there was something going on with the owner had had a stroke or something.

Hmm, or something. I forget. I forget, I, maybe I'm mixing up clubs, but it was a clean club, and the show was supposed to be clean, and but I'd already been hired by Jamison, so I just was like, I'm doing whatever the fuck I want.

Yeah. And I just went, my opening joke was, because when you had to talk, when you worked for Jamison, you had to talk about Jamison, and I was like, God, man, I took a sip. I was like, God, I love Jamison, everyone cheers. I was like, I'll tell you right now,

if come tasted like Jamison, I'd have, I never went to tears. I was like, I'll tell you right now, come taste it like James and I have bruise knees and place goes nuts and you can see them pacing in the back like, what the fuck? He's swallowing gum! Swallowing gum! Yeah. Yeah, I've never really, I've got, I've got, I've got, what if Cumb did taste like James and though?

Oh, it doesn't. I mean, I don't know. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I mean, I don't know. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. I've never had come in my mouth, but I've kissed someone after a blowjob. Yeah, of course you're growing up. Yeah, well, it's so weird. I did it when I was younger. Somebody's like, oh, I'm not gonna give you a kiss now

because you're had so much dick in your mouth. Ha ha ha ha. I don't know. If Leanne gives me a blowjob, I'm kinda like, give you a kiss now because you're had so much dick in your mouth. I don't know. If Leanne gives me a blowjob, I'm kind of like, as she comes up for a kiss, sometimes I'm like, on the cheek grandma. Like an easy, you just had a mouthful of calm. Why don't you go brush your teeth, go have a sandwich, come back and then I'll kiss you. Like a fucking grown up. I Think you got to get a little like residual jizz on you now You don't like that Fucking spits on you and then kisses you. No, no, no, she swallows it and then Just fucking no evidence takes it down like a lady. Yeah, yeah, I don't know if I could swallow come You remember You remember? Do you could do it? Let's do this.

Hey, grab a, okay, this is what we're gonna do. We're gonna do the cum swallow challenge. Okay. Oh my god. This is a new challenge. You're gonna go viral on Facebook. Someone get us a bottle of water, okay? All right.

Here's what we're gonna do. Ready? Yeah. We're gonna each hold a bottle of water. We're also, we're then gonna put our heads on top of the water. Like we're blowing it. And then you're gonna do. You ready? We're gonna each hold a bottle of water. We're then gonna put our heads on top of the water, like we're blowing it, and then you're holding a bottle that isn't my mouth.

I'm holding a bottle of it in your mouth. And then you squirt, and the goal is to be able to swallow it out of nowhere, okay? I'm good. No, come on. Two bottles of water, and you just squirt, and the goal is, can you, like a woman without any? Or a guy.

Or a guy. Or a guy. Or a guy. Or a guy. Yeah. Or a guy. Or just a cool. When you said, or a guy went, I literally went, huh?

Yeah. Or a guy, can you swallow it with no warning? Well, here's the thing. I mean,, I guess you're yeah cuz you can really I mean we're gonna have it right at the rim. Yeah, it's gonna be right at the rim It'll be right at the rim. No, no, no, no right at the rim and you got it like this Okay, and then you're gonna go oh God, oh this feels so good and I got I got to kind of read your language Okay, and then oh god. Oh here we go. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Oh, okay feels so good. And I gotta kind of read your language. Oh, shit.

Okay. And then, oh, God, here we go. Okay, okay, okay. Okay, somebody grab a wall. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Let's see what happens. And this is the, remember, this is the cum swallow challenge.

And we're raising this money for the smile foundation. And we are? I don't know. I mean, it'd be a fun game to do with your friends at dinner parties and then, Hey, my name's Bert Christ, when I challenge the rock, so that comes while it's all in. Okay. I gotcha. Okay.

You go first. No, no, because then you won't go. I know you. I will. I will. I will. You're fucking lying. No, I'm not. Swear to God you'll go. I swear to God. Swear to God, you'll go. I swear to God. I swear to God, I'll go.

I swear to God, you'll go. I swear to God, I'll go. I swear to God, you'll go. I swear to God, I'm in. Here we go. Okay. Okay. All right.

I'm gonna do it like we have. She doesn't look like a nice skater. Okay. Okay. By the way, this is nervous. Is this all, like when you put a dick in your mouth, you're putting a loaded gun in your fucking mouth. Yeah, pretty crazy. Like when you, like when you put a dick in your mouth, you're putting a loaded gun in your fucking mouth. Pretty crazy.

Like when you, I've never put a dick in my mouth, but I can't imagine being like, all right, here we go. And you fucking minute, like, like. Imagine it's me, like it's really me. Like fucking like, like, like Russian roulette, just all. Yeah. You can almost hear like, it's like revolving chairs like, bam, bam, bam, bam.

It kind of gives you like some extra respect for people that do this, right? Do you like bun, bun, bun. It kind of gives you some extra respect for people to do this, right? Do you? Dude, a hardcore respect. Yeah. Like I, when you go down and check, you just down there like come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, and bingo.

That's it. But when you got a dick in your mouth, you're like, uh-huh, uh-huh. All right. Uh-huh. All right, here we go. Okay. Hold on, don't take too long.

I won't, I won't, I won't. Okay. By the way, this, I feel so emasculated. You're doing this next, right? I am, no, you're not, you're going like this. I am, I swear I'm going, I'm not doing it. Okay, okay, okay. All right.

Come on. Just give it a kiss. Give it a kiss. Give it a kiss to start. By the way, it is so hard for me to just put my lips around because it feels like very vulnerable. Yeah. You should.

Give it a kiss. Give it a nice kiss to get started. That's all right. It's not gonna hurt. Go ahead. Dude, I couldn't blow someone up and be laughing so hard. I'd be like,

God, stop fucking laughing I know, I know. I'll do it the way Leanne starts it, okay. Okay. Is this thing going? Okay, yeah. Take your hat off. Dude, I had to grow blow me one time when in like 19, probably 2002, 2001, and she had a hat on and she turned it around like this.

I was like, great. I feel like I'm going to blow it up from Fred Durst. Oh, yeah, that's nice. I feel good. You fucking dirty bitch. It's so nice. Keep going. Shit.

Oh, shit. Was that wrong? No, that's, wow, that's really hard to swallow. Yeah. That is really hard to swallow. Shit, oh shit. Was that wrong? No, that's, wow, that's really hard to swallow. Yeah. That is really hard to swallow. God, and then I'm like, God, you fucking bitch, you got to...

Oh! That's really fucking hard to time it. You got to do it with your eyes closed though. Really? Yeah, no one blows anyone with their eyes open, I don't think. Why would you stare into pubic hair? All right, all right, you ready?

I don't feel like doing it, man. Give me a fucking bottle. Okay, you ready? Now, by the way, you gave me a fucking John Holmes load. Yeah. I'm gonna give you a Burt Chrysler load. Okay. So get ready for it, because it's even bigger.

No, no, no, it's gonna go, it's gonna, it's gonna pulsate, it's gonna go, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, it's gonna get bigger and then it's just smaller. All right. Okay, you ready? Hey, I've never done this before so yeah, cool man Okay, sure thing Okay, don't make I Oh God God you yeah, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, no, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh god. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't realize how good I'd be at that. Oh, give me a towel too. It's all over my hand. Oh, yeah. Oh, oh, wow. Oh, don't tell your wife about that.

If you told me when I was in high school, this is what I'd be doing for a living. Mark sucking Dicks and blowing loads in our mouths. Oh, I got some spit in your dick. God damn, Jesus, Tom. The guy is not supposed to do the cleanup. Oh, my god. We gotta get what we gotta get. We gotta turn this into a board game.

Right? Yeah. We sell it to Hasbro. And all it is is it's different size dicks and different dicks. Yeah. And it's all in there. Like five dicks on a board and everyone's got, everyone's, oh, dude, you turn it in Russian or let? There's five dicks on a board and everyone's got Everyone's oh dude. You turn it in Russian or let there's five dicks on a board, right?

You play with five people and everyone starts sucking the dick and everyone's got a like a a Squeezer bitch, but not every dick has a load in it. So we're all going Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha and then someone just goes and you hear this one words I'm trying to picture like Mattel being like, this is cool, I like this. Mattel, this is an adult game. A lot like, what's the other game we came up? What's the other game?

There's a bunch of games like that. This is an adult game. It's five, 10 dicks on a board. You're playing in a big party with all the friends, right? Everybody. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. And only one, oh, that would be such a great, and then you pull the dick off and you throw it away. Dude I picked up Lorraine a bobbit. Just reminded me that I picked

up my kid from school. And, uh... How did you give those to? Because the teacher was like, oh I saw you have a podcast. And I was like, yeah. And she's like, she goes, oh, I haven't watched it yet. I go, you might not want to. Now I know that she's gonna see this. We're progressive. Yeah. Do we've come up with a lot of good ideas on this show? We have.

Yeah. Yeah. What's that? Oh, well, we got the board game sucky dick suck it. It's thing. Okay. We got you remember the ice Carat challenge was that we put the ice cube in your ass. They put the ice to care it up your ass. Yeah, and then I Said I'm not selling it the way I did earlier, but anyway that okay scrap that one scrap that one Oh you that two episodes ago you mentioned the final solution

Dude, did you see did you can I tell you did you see episodes ago. You mentioned the final solution. Dude, can I tell you, did you see the video of the guy, the Trump supporter punching, the anti-Trump supporter? Like in the stands or whatever? It's fucking no. And it's so funny because it's two white guys and the one white Trump supporters driving a Trump

through a crowd. The anti-Trump, yeah, here we go. This is it. The best part. Okay, no, no, that's not it. That's not it. It's in the news today. Hit news, hit news, hit news. Okay, there it is. Man charged with assaulting anti-Trump supporter. Okay. So, but here's the best part. Watch it and then I'll tell you my favorite part This is Blocking aids ads. Okay So

Create account. No, no, no, let's take the time to create account Cincinnati comm you notice we're blocking ads We actually don't want to see you to use our website we'd much rather you just go away and find a new somewhere else So we've created this this fucking hurdle for you This is so annoying. I really is So this is just out on the street no I yeah, this is a Trump supporter driving to through and then an anti-Trump supporter now I'm not gonna say who's right or who's wrong what I'm gonna tell you is my favorite part is the one thing the clearly liberal person yells at this guy Okay, and the reason I say liberals because it's the most misguided

Is that D-ray? What is this? What is this car show? Oh? It's just a black-eyed drinking coffee in his house and two white people are behind them dude stop that and flip that White person making coffee to black people are like what the fuck are you doing to my house? But a black guy's like oh two white people in my house. Yeah, who add? All right, so is this it? Oh, you're gonna need the audio. I'm sorry This is the guy Who clearly that's a trump guy? Yes, the trump guy, but what happens is let me I'll walk you through it

Okay guys driving this truck through a Crowd a crowd of the group of anti-Trump supporters anti-Trump supporters Adam wants to get out of your truck and fight me the guys like oh dude That's exactly what my brain has always been waiting for yeah hops out of his truck and gives him the two-piece Just literally lights the the one white guy. This is one of the Dallas Frazier beat up the other white guy. Very quickly, the other white guy was older, the anti-Trump supporter. Here you go, here you go, ready?

Ready? Two Trump supporters and both white guys. Oh Jesus, yeah. And then someone yells racist. Oh, then it's not like they're asking for a rest or something right away. Yeah, yeah, two white guys fighting at someone yells racist. Oh, then it's like right away. Yeah, yeah, two white guys fighting at someone else, racist. Jesus. He's like, I was 61 that he hit. Yeah, and

took a punch. Yeah, he then got to get a good punch actually. That would be a fun board game. I love that the cop is like Mexican. He must be Mexican that he hit, right? He's like, hey, I'll just take you to jail right now. Yeah, the cop's like, oh wow, that's crazy. That's like the fish jumping in the boat. Hahaha. So crazy. Shut up.

Well, oh my, I actually have my handcuffs in my hand. Oh my god, this is so crazy. You're my first arrest. Are they all gonna be this easy? Jesus man. This guy's not gonna do well in prison. No, I don't think so. You can tell how wealthy a white person is by this part of their hair right here

Right here. Yep. This part of a white person tells you everything you need to know if you're listening We're talking about the area right about your sideburns. Yeah, so what does mine say about me? It says you've got money because it's clean Oh, if if if if if I'm just talking about white people, but if a white person has Super if they're long and wispy and they swing over their hair. You're like over the ears over the ears that guy doesn't read much Like if if the hair if the hair all the hair is the same length you're like wow Someone hasn't been able to afford to shave their head in a long time Dude, I it dry that drives me fucking nuts about a while. Poor way people.

So, yeah. Yeah. I'm with you, I hate him too. All right, we gotta get out of here. What are we gonna, what are we close strong? You've been looking at your phone, what's going on here? Business going on?

No, I guess I gotta get out of here. What do you got business going on? I got, no, I got to get out of here. What do you got to do? I got to go to the house, I got family in town that's gonna meet me there. For real? Who's in town? Cousins that live in Texas with their kids and their- Your cousins?

Yeah. Nice, nice. Yeah. What, when's your sister coming back in town? Which one? I don't know, the hot one. Everyone's coming for Christmas. For real? Yeah. You should come over.

I would love to. I would love to. Is your dad gonna be there? Yep. Oh, top dog. Hey buddy. I want, no, is your dad a Trump supporter? He can't be. No. Because your mom's pruvian. No, no, that's not why. They're Republicans. Oh really? But they just hate him.

We should get my dad and your dad together for a podcast. They hate it. That would be hilarious. Can I tell you another idea I have? We should do a two pairs one cable with both our dads. Yeah. And then we should do one podcast with a impersonator. What do you mean?

Like a celebrity impersonator, but don't mention it. Oh, really? See if we can go viral. Like a Johnny Depp, like Johnny Depp was on the show. Did you beat Amber Heard? Yeah, beat the fuck out of her. And just never acknowledge that it's in a we can go. Like a Johnny Depp and like, say Johnny Depp was on the show. So did you beat Amber Heard? Yeah, beat the fuck out of her. And just never acknowledge that it's in a sub-bottied impersonator.

That's a good idea. Dude, that was a great idea. I did that for travel channel. We took two people to LA to have, you know, the trip of a lifetime on Trip Flip. And we were gonna throw a house party at this house we got them in the hills. And we couldn't find anyone famous to go to it.

We had already hung out with Rogan, that was all I had in my bag. And I said, why don't we just get celebrity impersonators? And we were, yeah, the network wouldn't go for it. We wanted to do, we floated the idea of having, like the Hollywood Boulevard celebrity impersonators, do promos for your mom's house. So like have like the guy who does denier will be like,

I look your mom's house, then he goes like, this bad thing, you know, what do you get, no. And like, I have the Jack Nicholson guy be like, your mom's like, we're in Jack Nicholson from a show. So just get them all lined up to do it. You can have them come on here. Yeah, we do. That's what I like, that's what I like.

Let's take one to a Lakers game. What'd you take the Jack impersonator? I'm like Jack Nicholson's right here, right fucking here. You believe it? All right, this has been a great episode. This was a lot of fun. I think the one. I look at every one of our episodes about what will go viral. Like the one part where we're like our one part where everyone's gonna go, oh, I'm stealing that.

I know what it is from the last two episodes, but this one's gonna be the Sucka Dick Challenge. Probably, that'll pick up. I would love if you guys could submit your own Sucka Dick Challenge with your own best friends at the most inopportune times you could do it. Like at a family dinner. And send it.

And send it to us. We need to get you guys involved in the show. Yeah, send it to two bears, one cave at Gmail. That's the number two bears, the number one cave at Gmail.com. Yeah, and if you have anything that you really love, like an edit you really do, and you wanna send it in, send it in two bears, one cave,

and we can watch it here and talk about it here. It's better than you just, yeah, any of your racist supercuts is what I meant to say. If you have any racist supercuts, send it here first. Send it here, did you see what's his name posted the one thing of the horrible statements we were saying? Yeah. And he was like, this is a joke.

Yeah. This is a joke. I'm surprised that he did that. I know. Body shots world tour tickets available at burperbirdt.com starting in September in San Francisco ending in Cleveland where I'm shooting my special great. I'm at the take it down towards Tom sigur.com You're adding dates like fucking crazy. Do you said Winnipeg? Winnipeg we added we added in

Where'd we add we just added Kingston? We just added Kingston, we just added Charlotte, we just added a couple other places. I don't know. It's all at Thompsigura.com. And we're thinking about it doing a live two bears one cave somewhere. Yeah, we will do that. Yeah, where's the,

where, what day do you shoot? What day do you shoot in November, do you know? November 23rd. You're one week to the day after me. For real? I think so. Yeah. Shut up. Yeah. I shoot the 16th, 17th, something like that. Yeah real? I think so. Yeah.

Shut up. Yeah. I shoot the 16th, 17th, something like that. Yeah, I'm shooting the 23rd. I think I might shoot the two shooting two shows or four. Two. I'm thinking about shooting four. Do it.

I know, but I think it comes out on my pocket. Do it anyway. Yeah. All right. All right. Hey Tom. Yeah. I love you.

I love you too. You dick tastes good. Your dick tastes better! No scripts to beat a booze amateur, for topology, dirty jokes, ranchy humor, no apologies. Here's what we call, two bears one cake.