2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 07 - 2 Bears 1 Cave 2 w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: September 30, 2019

Greg Louganis hates Bert Kreischer. Tom Segura gets the scoop from Bert as he rehashes his time on reality TV show "Reality Bites Back." The conversation shifts to one of the cast members on Bert's season who created the craziest comedy class in all of history, so crazy that it caused Doug Stanhope to write an eviscerating blog about it. Tom and Bert need to settle a bet so they call their wives. Uncrustables make an appearance and Bert has an interesting way of describing their taste. Dave Chappelle's special gets discussed and Tom and Bert make gifs for you.

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It's gonna be a hundred percent. I'm a hundred percent. Thick boy nation. I like that a lot. I like that a lot. I like that a lot. Thick boy nation. It's October.

Should we get shirts to say Thick boy nation? Of course. They're actually on sale now. Go to merch method dot com slash Tom Segura. And it's a bunch of two bears one cave stuff. Yeah, so it all emerges at time segur.com. And then I think I have links at burperbird.com, but Tom handles all of it.

Yeah, and then also you can get like, Baybrooth stuff at burper Perper.com. At Mickey Mantle Jean's shirt. It's sold out, didn't it? It's sold out. Well, they kind of forced you to take it down. But that doesn't mean, you know, who's not having a really, he doesn't have an active presence here,

is Usain Bolt. His Jamaican lawyers are a little slower and you can get some of his gear at Berperperper.com too. So make sure you check that out Let's take an unknown athlete and really blow them the fuck up. Yeah, let's do it Huh Mary Lou retin I was out in infatuation with Mary Lou retin really she have AIDS Oh, there's Greg Louganis who Greg Louganis

Oh, that's Greg Luganus. Who? Greg Luganus hates my guts. Why? We did this show called, so you know, um, uh, really think you're gay. I see. I see you think you're gay. Oh, go ahead, Bert.

You teach him. Get over here, big boy. Who else was in reality by spec? Because this is kind of interesting, man. Me, Amy Schumer, Red Grant, Donald Rollins, Kyle Seas, Jeff Garcia, The O'Von, Chris Fairbanks, Momandelle, Tiffany Haddish. Holy shit, first of all, I'm just amazed that you could pull all those names out.

I'm sure I forgot one. I'm sure I forgot one. Dude, think about that cast. Whoa. I know, I seriously don't know why Comedy Central is not re-aaring that. By the way, none of us were funny in it Because of the show because the show premise was so I

Fade really remember this it was what happened was it was a guarantee what year do you murder the year? 2006 2007 yeah, and and we it was a guarantee of I want to say 12 thousand dollars in episode an episode an episode that has to feel like a fucking dude You get the offer you're like oh my god fucking 13 episodes 12 grand an episode. I literally just had a I'm like I'm gonna buy a house. I'm fucking I'm buying a house. I'm buying a house and And the winner got like a hundred thousand dollars, or two hundred and fifty thousand dollars.

You remember one? I do, Theo. Theo won? Yeah, Theo won. I think he won. He doesn't matter, he's put the money with Amy. So, but what happened was, we got there that first day, and we're all having fun.

There were being really weird as a reality show. So they'd sequester us and they'd hold us off to the side and they'd Separate us and they wouldn't let us talk and it was like really rulesy It was this young kid Cameron that was doing it and he was such a dick But he was like fucking 22 years old and we're all like some I'm 30s. I was like what he's like literally hurting us He was like hurting us like cattle like hey, don't talk to Amy. Don't talk to Amy. You're like wait What the fuck getting this room, but you go standing like that was such a reality show that we were all shut down on the first day and then

It got we realized someone was getting voted off and when you got voted off You no longer got that guarantee of the money and it got Competitive as fuck within 24 hours. Oh, so when people realize I'm not gonna get paid. And Theo Vaughn is old school reality show. He knows reality shows. Do you watch him navigate that reality show like a fucking genius? If this was not his first rodeo,

him and Amy Schumer were so good at befriending, they, I mean, it's like fucking crazy. The second they got there, at befriending the I mean it's like fucking crazy the second they got there They befriended everybody and they and they can was calculated it was I I don't know if it I don't I'm out I love you I'm not saying that he doesn't calculate ship. No, I mean like it's a game. It's a game So it would make whatever it was in his DNA He just went in and he became everyone's best friends Hey, what's up, Amy?

And you just trusted all them in. The O1, the very first thing. I mean, I think the O1, the majority of, I don't think he ever didn't win. Didn't they date? I think they did. I don't know. I'm almost positive. Is this the show you saw Red Grant's dick?

Yeah, it's all Red Grant's dick on this show. I would do it. It was, we lived together for like, for the whole time we were there, they would like, it was so fun. And you were like, hey, that thing looks hard or something, right? Like no, I was like, that thing was fucking massive. Me feeling Red Grant got in a bath with him now, and we all just got fucking naked.

Dude, I was pressing my, and so my dick was like half hard. And, I mean, this is straight up me too, shit. Like, hardcore. Oh, it tells about it. Tell us about it. Dude me Theo and red Grant won this challenge where we it was like It was the bachelor at it was so every show was a spin-off of a current TV show Got you so the bachelor at was the one show that we they hadunele be the bachelor at and the first very first thing She did we were supposed to like give her a massage and treat her nice and she was laying on her back

And she's like I need a drink and I was like oh, I got a drink right here She goes don't you pour that all over my face. I was like don't worry like a fucking idiot I took a sip and just spit in her mouth and she got the soap She was so pissed. She hit her mouth open and she was drinking it. She was like, oh, I'm swallowing. She goes, what the fuck? And I was like, oh, and so she hated me immediately. Right.

Yeah. She hated me, but then me, red and Theo got all got immunity. And then I think I want to say Mo or someone didn't, or maybe Mo also seems like he would not play that shit. No. No. Because he's seems like he would not play that shit. No, no. Oh my god. Because he's been like, it was funny. Mo was like, when we were like starting out there,

like, oh, you know, he has like, he sold shows. He already had like scripts and circulation. He was the youngest by far. He must have been really young. And he was so oblivious to like the bullying. Him and Kyle Seas were like the biggest target. Nive, super naive. He's like a speech writer now or something, right?

Or he's a motivational speaker. A motivational speaker, yeah. That's crazy if you look up Kyle Seas. So he was on that show. He had a Comedy Central specials and stuff. He was the number one comedian in the world voted by Comedy Central. Like his special was huge for them.

And number one special, and now look his special was like huge for them. Number one special. And now look, he's like evolving out loud. Yeah, best selling author, transformational speaker. Yeah. This wild man, he's kind of crazy. I mean, I don't, like I mean, I think in order to be a motivational speaker, you got to be a little crazy. How does he shift to that from like doing just shows?

I think, I mean, I think in all honesty, he was living in so much pain. Really? Yeah, and I think that he was confused emotionally about things and like I know that he was, he was sort of believing he was gonna have panic attacks on stage and pass out on stage. And that like, it kind of crippled him.

And then the thing with Stanhope happened and he laid him. And then the thing with Stanhope happened, and he laid something with Stanhope? You're joking, right? I don't remember. I don't remember. Me too thing? By the way, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna stir your memory now.

And you keep going back so you fuck Lunelle. Somebody write that down. I will not tell him within Lunelle thing. I'm not telling him with the Lunelle thing. By the way, on another page, look up the past presidents of Comedy Central, okay? So Lunele, no Kyle Seese. Hersog.

Nope, that's right. It was a woman. It was a woman. Don't do it there, you're gonna distract me. And so Kyle, you're the one that came over to my house for dinner and you're like, oh my god. Have you seen Kyle Seas' website? And I went, no.

And you went, open up your computer please and you sat up my computer when my computer was facing north in my apartment. You sat down, you typed it in and you go, I just want you to enjoy this and hit play and you'll be pushed sat over my shoulder as I watched the trailer for comedy boot camp. Oh. Okay. You remember that now, don't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't remember doing that. I remember comedy boot camp was that that's something that Kyle organized that helped

like it was a class. It was like $5,000 and I'll teach you how to do stand up. I'll teach you how to do stand up and I'll teach you how to do stand up. And then you'll be the biggest comic on this comedy. It was like real glitzing glam. You got this. But I think that's the beginning of his self-help stuff. And then Stan Hope wrote a blog about him.

A shit on him. By the way, I would love to read that blog out loud right now. He eviscerated. He just fucked Comedy Central's past presidents. This blog was so bad. Right, Doug Sandhope, Kyle C. Kyle C's comedy boot camp.

Oh, comedy boot camp, yeah. And Doug Sandhope wrote a blog about it. My interview Kyle about this on my podcast and Kyle said that's a reddit and 2010. Oh, comedy death camp, he called, oh shit. Oh my god, look at that that a bunch of clowns carrying them It's very easy for a comic or anyone I guess to get bogged down and hate and cynicism I'm guilty of that most hours of the day

It has nothing to do with money or career or all other trivia or all the other trivia While some of my bitterness could be attributed to excessive drinking by the the way, it's 2010, stand hopes still alive. It's mostly rooted in the idiocracy. Idiocy. You wanna read this? I'm a bad out loud reader. That surrounds me and the shit people will accept as good or correct or real, et cetera, without any question whatsoever.

Regardless, it is still hate and whatever angst I can't immediately turn into comedy proceeds to ruin my daily life. So I try to limit my exposure to it, recognize it for what it is and move on. Try something new, travel someplace I've never been, try food, I've never tasted, listen to music, I've never heard and hate all of it. It's important, especially in my business,

to have a very deep well of hatred. I'm doing it. One thing though. We are calling Stan Hoping about five minutes. One thing though that I've hated since my even, since even my youngest, Hopefield days is a comic worse than bad comedy, hat comedy, or even joke thieves are people

who teach stand-up comedy classes. Man, this is building. This is building. By the way, by the way, I wanna say you showed me that and then you pulled up this to me and you were like, and this is before. This is for the way, by the way, I wanna say you showed me that and then you pulled up this to me and you were like, and this is before we had dinner and you know, Leanne, who's just not wanna talk about comedy. Just sat at dinner at that big table we had,

just going, guys, can we talk about something else? And you're like, we're not done, we're not done. Oh shit, keep in mind that before I started comedy, most of my young adult life was spent working in low level fraud. From toner stamps and ad specs to inventor patent hoaxes. But comedy, that is all accurate. That's who Doug Stanhope is.

That's so funny, man. But comedy class has fallen in that gray area of deceit. Like Jesus, just like it's there's chocolate healing where you can't prove that it's a con. Say what you will about Carlos. About any Carlos, we see a Dan Cook or Jeff Dunham, but I would lay Ruben Esca on my side, chin cupped on my limp hand, blowing a lot of them before. Wait, wait, wait, wait, I would lay Ruben Esca on my side.

Chin cupped in my limp hand. Blowing the lot of them before I would say one positive thing about anyone who steals money by teaching a comedy class. They are all 100% bullshit It wouldn't matter if it were prior carlin and mark Twain at the podium at the holiday in banquet hall It would be ripping you off. It would be them ripping you off. Usually it works out that the folk who teach this shit Never did any comedy on any actual paid level and act like fly strips them ripping you off. Usually it works out that the folk who teach this shit never did any comedy on any actual paid level and act like fly strips for those whose dreams outweigh any innate skepticism. Maybe the person bullshits a community college and letting them conduct

a course or put an ad in the weekly to siphon a few suckers out of the woodwork. He's such a good fucking writer.work. These people are low some enough, but don't create much damage. Then there are people equally as worthless, but with better marketing skills, they can make a create out of it. Okay, we can't keep reading this thing. No, no, wait, let's get to Kyle's these.

Oh, that's chicken. Chicken, yeah. Oh, by the way, chicken. Yeah, wait. Oh By the way, oh my god. Do you remember that on episode one we talked about? What's his name? Yes, what's his name? I don't remember it, but I know you're talking about no the Native Native American hypnotist. Yeah, yeah, yeah, what's his name? J medicine hat J medicine hat. Yeah, do you know that we We kind of talked some shit his daughter found me? Yeah, by the way, yeah And she was like that guy birds a real dick. No, by the way, I don't think I even talked shit about him I think it was you I think you lit him up and then I didn't I didn't let him up. Did you listen to well? She she for yeah

Well, I read her what she wrote to me. I read it too. You think you forwarded to me. Yeah, she wrote to me that she goes, my dad didn't, because you had said she, he died in a Walmart. And she's like, my dad didn't die in a Walmart.

He died a target. She, he had a stroke in a target. He died in the hospital. Oh. And then I think we were like, saying, not nice things. And anyway, she was like, he was the man.

It's tough, it's tough. You know what, I mean, she was very nice. I actually said, I told her I said something cheap on that that I was like, I'm sorry, I said. Yeah, but you know what, is the sucks is that, she knew her dad is her father and we knew her dad in a working capacity as like, I know.

It's like a fellow employee. Yeah, yeah. And so it's kind of never met him or anything. It's kind of rough, I never met him either. But it's kind of rough to like, cause we make jokes about like even Ralphie. I went and rose getting with Ralphie's kids accidentally the other day and all the stuff I've said

about Ralphie, I love Ralphie Can you eat a lot? Could he eat a lot of sushi? Oh There's I have said so many things about Ralphie that I would say to share Because that was my experience, you know like I said I've said this a million times But the last five times I saw Ralphie I said goodbye to him every time like it was the last time I was gonna see him I'm sure his kids wouldn't wanna hear that. They'd be like, why didn't you just save his life?

And you're like, you couldn't, man, like it was going down a fucking spiral, you couldn't just save his life. But then you see his kids and you're like, God damn it, man, it sucks that you're not alive. Back to Lunelle. So we're all naked, we're all naked. When did Kyle die?

Kyle's still alive. Oh. By the way, by the way, the part of this is when he said he would much rather watch Kyle cease his family get walked up on stage and murdered one by one. What? Oh, this is Stanhope is one of the most prolifically direct intense writers in the world and it just is like, oh man, I remember reading this, what's crazy about this? And this is a great article,

go to just type in, this is a great blog that Sandhope did, type in Kyle C. Stug, Sandhope, but what's crazy is that Kyle C. Stun said, he read this, he was in a hotel, and he laid in a bed in a hotel for like five days, didn't move. After reading this? After reading this after reading this and In euphoria because he realized life is about to change

Like I love car. I'm nothing negative to say about Kyle But it just is he's very different than me like he believed in the secret and I read I saw the secret And I was like I'm calling bullshit on the secret like I don't I believe in putting stuff into the universe like going Hey, I want to be on a multi-camera sitcom because then maybe someone here's, hey, I wanna be on a multi-camera sitcom, cause then maybe someone here's that thing going, who we're making a multi-camera sitcom, Bert would be good for it. That's great, but I don't believe in like, if I pray to the gods that I get one,

I don't believe that that's all works. I don't know, we should go stand up, but this was, he called him the biggest comedy Huckster in 20 years of stand up. Like, and it was, this is all anyone talked about in standup. I wonder if I want the funniest thing ever is Dono. I mean, and we go back to reality bites back. The first day, Kyle had made 10 hats and each hat said week one week two week three week four week five I get it yeah and he walked up to Donnell Rollins and Donnell saw his hat and he's like yes son you are the week one

haha and Kyle goes I think I think it's spelled differently and he goes not in my neighborhood haha and he goes please tell me you got one had to just, says, week. But the best, this is the best part of what like, of not the fucking shit on the self-help spiritual guru shit. So the very first episode, Theo wins of reality by the back, Theo wins and Chris Fairbanks and Kyle sees the two people that are up for elimination. And Theo just has to pick which one gets eliminated. That's as simple as it was.

And Chris Fairbanks and Kyle's like, just trying to lobby for himself, lobby for himself. Like, you know guys, like, like sell his thing. And I said to Chris Fairb, Chris goes, I don't wanna go home. And I go, I just pulled Theo aside personally and go, hey please don't vote me off. And just looking in the eyes. I think the oh probably let you stay and he's like really So we just wanted to do is him and I need the money don't vote me off and do is all right all right

No, you just wait, you know man. I look at the two people I Can't even tell you this part. I can't even tell you this part. Why it's tell you this part why it's so bad no no tell me tell me no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no In the first episode they had us bring our moms, like we all had our moms, but we had to seduce our moms We didn't know our moms were gonna be in the room. It was pitch black, right? pitch black and you had to seduce a stranger We didn't know when the lights came on your mom would be sitting in the room So we were all seducing our moms. Oh my god. It was dude. It was so bad Tom It was when I think of cringe-worthy moments in my life the things I said to my mom that I would do to her during oral sex Were the worst thing. What were you saying?

I mean, it's like I'm gonna lick from your asshole. By the way, if anyone could get the footage of reality bites back and Isolate these that it is some of the best television. I've ever done in my entire life I mean I'm being serious because you just are like what the fuck? But one of the things Kyle's mom I Think was dealing with cancer at the time Oh shit, and so but they didn't tell us that and Kyle didn't want to share that and so instead of bringing him on They just brought a stripper like to pretend to be his mom It's that would be the joke because Kyle's mom couldn't be here

But no one brought it up. No one Kyle insane thing And so Theo just votes mom. He's like yeah, Kyle didn't even bring his mom. So I'm fighting Kyle off and Chris Fairbanks Chris Fairbanks is dad showed up and it like his mom I think his mom's dead too He's like Chris's mom's dad. You know, I was just doing a guy. I was like my mom's doing the cancer Dude, it was that show is such a fucking shit show. Michael, I'm gonna go back to the moon. I'm gonna come full circle.

All right. Michael, not Michael, rap a port. What's the fucking game? The game guy we were just talking about, a diver. Oh, Greg Luganis? I hit on Greg Luganis on my episode. Arz was like a spin off up, so you think you can dance. It was so you think you could dive.

And I hit on Greg Luganis the whole time I'd like drop my talent front him and bend over in a speedo and I'd go yo Greg and I get out of the pool slowly and he was like who's this guy and this apparently asked someone like no what's that guys deal like is he for real and they're like oh no this is a comedy Greg like he's a joking with you, he's married. So we go to the get kicked off and Greg Luganis is shaking you so mad, he's shaking. He's like, Amy, Mo, you guys worked the best divers, Mo, I didn't like jokes you made about me. Bert, I understand you're married. And I was like, yeah, and he's like, it's not cool to flirt with a guy when you have no intentions of following through and I was like

You're HIV positive like you think I was gonna fuck I was like whoa I was like how'd and I remember Amy going like Like he's at the table with me and most most most so stuff about he's like so I'm safe right? I'm safe right I'm safe right and? I'm safe, right? I'm safe, right? And I was so embarrassed, Tom. I was so embarrassed. I had told everyone at my kid's school, at my kid's school is Jay Channasekhar,

Fred Savage, a near-vardalos, the woman from the big free recording, her husband Ian Gomez, Billy Crudup. These were all the celebrities that were my daughter's school and I had nothing going on. And I told them all, I was gonna be on Comedy Central, on Reality Bites Back. They should watch it.

And Greg Ruligan has votes me off. Everyone leaves the room. It's me and Mike Lee and Black. If you can find this fucking footage, I'm telling you, this will go viral. So he's one that kicks you home? He kicks me off. It's me and Mike Lee and Black.

And me and Mike Lee and Black goes, I don't know what to say. And I'm like, yeah, I'm embarrassed by the way. There's a whole film crew there. I mean, genuinely embarrassed. Be cut, be your embarrassed because he called you out. I'm embarrassed that I'm going home, that I'm not making any more money. I'm sitting there in a robe and a speedo and flip flops.

And I'm just like, I'm like, my face is turning red. And I don't know how to, I'm really let down that I'm like I'm bummed and I'm lost and Michael and black goes You've made a lot of bad decisions in your life. I went yeah, and he goes I'm gonna need you to turn in your speedo and they had given us the option of putting like Liner's in I was like no if I'm getting naked. I'm getting naked. So I fucking Knocked down all the chairs in the board room, like it's the apprentice, I knock down all the chairs.

I drop my robe and there's no acting right now. Michael and Black's going, no. And I go, yes, no acting Tom. I drop my speedo, I get naked and I get on the table. I am naked and I'm humping right in front of Michael and Black, and it is no one's laughing. And he's like, and I put my feet on the back of his chair and I pull his chair into my dick.

And he's going like this and he goes, I go, look at it. And he goes, I'm afraid I'll turn to stone. I go, part of you will. And then I let, by the way, I am bombing Tom. I am bombing. No one's laughing. No one's laughing. You hear no noise.

And on the table I do a backspin I stick it totally naked like a break dance move and Thank fucking God Michael in black breaks character and starts laughing hysterically and I get kicked off And that's your sign off, but it's what no one left I went home and Liam's like so how did it go? I was like think I'm gonna just ruin my career She's like when I was like I think I'm gonna just ruin my career. She's like, what? I was like, I think I'm gonna sexually assault

at my Gleam Black in front of everyone on television. So everyone's watching that. And everyone, and Amy is like, I remember Amy being like, I mean, there were some people laughing, like wasn't that bad, wasn't that bad. But the way Comedy Central aired it, it was fucking hilarious. But I didn't know that until the day of,

so the next day I go to take Amy Croson, Pittsburgh the day they heard, Amy called me in Pittsburgh, and she goes, you got nothing to worry about. We just watched it. Everyone fucking died laughing. It's funny.

The next day I tried to take Georgia to school, that Monday, I take Georgia to school, and all the fucking celebrity parents were like, don't, you're fucking hilarious on Comedy Central. I was like, I thought I fucking ruined my career. I thought I ruined my fucking career. Would you really not fuck someone with HIV? Yeah, I would not.

What do you say, like, it was if it's a Leanne? Yeah, like let's say Leanne is HIV. I mean, would you just like throw a hat on under something? No, I'm not wearing a condom I brought I'm dead I'm not definitely not fucking with a condom Fucker without a condom and roll the dice on HIV before I fucker with a condom Wait, would you fuckers? The end of HIV sure for real? Yeah, what do you think about it? Are you serious? Yeah? But I think like we shouldn't both have it like no But I mean like you know they have good all right. They're great medicine. They have great medicine

What are you looking your phone for I call Christina ask her what she would do? Hey, I got a quick question for you. Hey, yeah, hey, hey, quick question. If I had HIV, would you still have sex with me? Oh, no, no. Why? Because then I would get it and then I didn't die and I can't take care of the kids. Yeah, but you'd last a little while Hey, babe. I have a question for you I

Okay, love you stay on the phone pull hold on okay, Leanne hold on quick question if I if I contracted HIV from just an intravenous blood transfusion Would you still have unprotected sex with me? No. Oh, man. Yeah. You hear boys laughing over there. OK, second part, same question, guys. What if I randomly went horseback riding, came back,

and got herpes? No about that what about that scenario would you raw dog it with me yeah yeah would you have sex with me if I got horse I got herpes from horseback yeah would you know because you would be a liar no no, there's here we go. Okay. Columbo's on the phone with Bert, so. Well, you got it from the horseback riding. Yeah, yeah. It happens all the time. Or like a toilet seat, you know, you get gonorrhea from the toilet seat. Yeah, you're at JFK.

Would you, then would you do it? Leanne's right. It's a suspect story. Okay, what if it's late dormant for 20 years and then it just shows up? That happens. No possible. Okay. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes to go Good job, babe. Good job. I love you. Love you. Bye I draw a dog it with Lan if she had herpes. Yeah, I think it'll be fun. They have an outbreak at the same time You do yeah, I don't know how fun it would be just lay in bed Dude, I don't have herpes. Obviously. I have a friend who has it. Did you say you put your dick on Luna? Dude, I don't have herpes, obviously. If I have a friend who has it.

Did you say you put your dick on Lou Nell? A hardcore. By the way, she hated my guts. Right, can you spit in her mouth? I'm not even moving. I remember that. You realize I live a life that's so, not on a, I'm so uninterrespective

that I don't think things through and I go she hated me and you're like, yeah You spit in her mouth and then I go yeah, that is basically the basis of why she disliked me. Yeah, there's a reason Mickey Manel's lawyer contacted you It wasn't he said it wasn't because he saw your special I'm keeping his dad's name alive. Ooh. Wait, so what, you're in the tub with her and Grant. And, uh. It's me, Red, and Theo.

And Lunelle. And Lunelle in a tub. And we're both, we're all just supposed to like, like just kind of like, it's, it's, it's, it's in the bachelor's, so we're supposed to talk our date night. She's gonna take us into the bathroom, and they got a camera saw set up.

The president of the time was Lauren Careo. Is that her name? Don't know. Typing Lauren Careo, I think it's Lauren Carey. She's really beautiful. She was president of Comedy Central at the time. And she is there. Maybe that's it.

She's a former pro again, executive for Comedy Central. Yeah, Lauren Careo. And she is there. I she's a former pro gamer executive for Comedy Central. Yeah, it's Loan Crayo. And she is there. I meet her before the thing. She's like, hey, really thanks for doing this. I just got in the offer to do my hour special for Comedy Central. This is two, this is two thousand nine.

Comfortably dumb. Comfortably dumb. And she goes, I'm really excited to do this. This is a lot of fun. I go, yeah, yeah, yeah. So we get in there. And Luna Lennel had, I think Luna Lennel had put on two bathing suit bottoms.

So she took one off and was like, I'm ready to go, wow. And so then I go, all right, so I take my bathing suit off. And I go, me too. Theo takes his off, red takes his off. She gets all naked. And then she goes, she says,

did you guys all wear two bathing suits? So we're like, huh? And now we have three naked, in a tub with Lunella who's got another bathing suit on. She pulls off her second bathing suit. We're like, wait, you were wearing two bathing suits? And she goes, I was. And now we're all fucking naked.

And she's just grabbing Dicks. And we're hopping up. At the one point, there was a glass window and I put my dick on the window. I was like, get a shot of this. I mean, the four film crews got to be like, this is not what we signed up for, man. I went to film school for this.

It was fucking insane. That whole fucking shoot was insane. Did you bus? No. I definitely got hardcore tub. Did it? Yeah. Do you want to talk to Scan,

stand up about that or no? I should definitely call him. What are you gonna ask him, just say that. You don't even know him, do you? I mean, I've run into him a couple of times. I remember when he first started blowing up, he was like, what's up with this? I'm so good, I just fucking special Solaris. I was like, oh yeah, I mean, it's a little derivative, but...

Do you think Stanhope is drinking right now or no? I wouldn't even know, I don't know him well enough. I wouldn't be shocked if he had a grapefruit and vodka. All right. You're been for a day to an auto-application. Hey, is that what happens when people block you? Yeah. Do you think you blocked me?

Probably. Probably. Twice now. What are the ads his phones off? Probably blocked you. Can you if you block someone can you they receive your texts? No. Oh, well then he didn't block me. I text him. He texted back.

Oh, find out. What if you blocked me? Why would he block you? I don't know. I would block me. Yeah. I could see that. Yeah. Oh, what? He just offered me to go to Costa Rica. Right now? I'm just getting this. God damn it just says I'm just getting this. Podcasting with Tom Suga, wondering if fucking uncrustables. So I have to take fucking uncrustables. On the last the last time, no, like a month ago, you said, oh, how much you love uncrustables, I didn't even know what they were. You said,

you know, so they got them, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who Protein. Okay. Actually it says 10 grams. Is it a lot? I mean, it's better than no grams. It's better than no grams. That's a good slogan for a company. We have protein. Better than no grams. Soft bread. Okay. 10 grams of protein. So when did you first have these? 320 calories. That's great. That's that is just that that's a slice of pizza is less than this. So tell me like that's in crazy 320 calories for by the way we are not getting on crossables as a sponsor No, these are fucking awesome the first time I had on crustables It's got to be 20 years ago. How have I never heard of this even? Oh my god

Never even heard of now that you've heard of them. You're going to fucking love them. I hope they are so good It is old-school wipe red like the kind you got when you were a kid. 17 grams of fat. It's gotta be the peanut butter. Oh, Jesus. These are... Oh, look at this. Okay.

Little, starting to... 20 years ago? 20 years ago, probably. See what uncrustables were developed. Oh, these are frozen. These are... have you been keeping these in the freezer? Yeah. Oh these are frozen. These are, well it's gonna be a little rough.

Okay. You ready? I guess. Can't a three? Okay. You could be warmed up a tad bit. Yeah. But it tastes like a clean butter and jelly, right? I mean it is

It is exactly that it's so fucking good man, but I mean The story of it doesn't taste different than a peanut butter and jelly, right a little You feel the two in the microwave first So two in the microwave this This patent was first awarded in 98. Got a little bit of crossables. I love peanut butter and jelly paste. I love peanut butter. I love trying different peanut butter.

I just bought Jiff for the first time. What? I've never had Jiff. Are you a pie? I might be wrong. No, I'm sorry Skippy. I bought Skippy. I only bought GIF. Yeah. I only bought GIF. Do you think Skippy sucks next did you? I haven't had Skippy yet because I just bought it the other day, but it

says the number one peanut butter out there is Skippy not GIF. Yeah, I've seen that too, but I like GIF more. I don't know how you're putting your stuff. Do you try? Do you buy organic ones? You were trying that like all the different, they all taste different. No, I have, I wouldn't mind making my own peanut butter. I never thought of that. Mm. Let's make our own peanut butter as well, have a taste test. How are we gonna make them?

Oh no, we learned it. Okay. Look, I wouldn't mind having bees. I wouldn't mind making pickles. I think there's, Martha's, is there like a Martha's organic peanut But one of them is so fucking good. It starts with an M Dude, I love trying the different peanut. Oh my god. How about this? How about we redirect this? If you have a micro peanut butter company where you're making your own peanut butter

Sanitose I've had that Santa Cruz. Oh, that wait I've Laura Laura's got her that one. I've had that one Cruz, oh wait, too left. I've Laura's Scottish. That one, I've had that one. What's it called? Mara-Natha? I've never had that. Huh? Yeah, I love that one.

Can I tell you what I love about what we're doing right now? On a podcast when you're listening, everyone right now is just yelling in their head going, I'm fucking, hold on, please tell me you're gonna bring up. I know, I know. Please tell me you're gonna, that's the best peanut butter out, Derek's! Like, so wait, go back to the images. Please tell me you're gonna, that's the best peanut butter out there. Derrick's! Like, so wait, go back to the images.

Yeah, go back to all the, all the different peanut butter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Justin's I'm mad. I've had the earth balance. I went through a big. Justin's is good. I went through a big almond butter phase. Justin makes the...

I did it because they're like, you're supposed to like almond butter more, but peanut butter. I like almond butter. I don't like it more than peanut butter. Fuck no. Oh my god. Scroll down.

Giff, or Skippy they say is the best peanut butter out there. No. That's what they say. They probably the best selling peanut butter. It's muckers, how smuckers don't have the best. Wait, now if you- Wait, you never had, you never had Goober grape.

I have no idea of this. Pull up the image of Goober grape. Goober grape is so fucking good. Now that you're, seeing it, do you like Skippy more than Jeff? I haven't had Skippy yet. I haven't had Skippy. You just bought it?

I just bought it. How do you believe this long? And that never tries Skippy. Goober grape is so fucking that. Oh my god. What is that? Goober grape is peanut butter and grape jelly. In the jar?

In the jar together so you just put your knife in. Put it in my bread. You know what I love? Can I tell you what I love? What? That like, this is just a peanut butter and jelly sand. grape jelly in the jar. In the jar together. So you just put your knife in. Put it in my bread. Can I tell you what I love? What? This is just a peanut butter in jelly sand. And you're like, can you fucking believe this? And then this shit is just peanut butter jelly

in the jar together. And you're like, and then you can just taste it. I'm a marketing man's wet dream. Yeah. He's like, oh, we put the peanut butter jelly in the jar. Look at the top. Look at the top. Oh, I see, I see. Do I remember when Goober grape came out? Oh, really put the peanut butter jelly in the jar. Look at the top. Look at the top. Oh, I see I see

Do I remember when Goober grape came out? Really? I remember I was in high school. I bet I could pick the year that Goober grape came out I've never even seen this is a 1986. This is in grocery aisles now 1986 even Goober grape came out. Is that true? Like you get if you walk to the grocery? Oh, well, you got to walk through like smart and final You're not gonna have it it but you see that when you go to the store I buy it you buy that now I will not eat it. They don't like jelly really yeah, they're fucking I love how 1968 not goober no goober grape Not fucking great. Yeah, what dear did smuckers goober that might be it What does smuckers need to be free? Yeah, what the hell is it? Smuckers goober, that might be it.

What does smuckers need to be free? No, the second, the first. No, it wasn't 1960. Wait, wait, wait, wait. How about it? How about it? Oh wait, wait, I'm wrong. Yeah. It was in 1998, 1996.

No, 1968 is when it was nineteen eight nineteen ninety six sixty eight is when it was in the interview famous gingham cap was at number sixty eight sixty eight to the i remember the first time i saw that i lost my shit i was in high school yeah yeah big tall glasses of milk no not for me okay let's play let's play a little Russian roulette with goober with these Ungraceables Let's see roll the dice How dangerous you gonna live life? I'll tell you how dangerous I live it If come tasted like

I would have bruised me Oh my god. Tom. Tom. Do you want mine? Holy shit. Tom. I thought it was going to be like a great ride.

I was really fucking sick so now we're going to snap. I'm gonna jump. I'm gonna jump. I'm gonna jump. I'm so fucking good. I'm so fucking good. You know what, it's crazy. It almost tastes like somebody heated up a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

It's wild. It's just a peanut butter jelly sandwich, but for some reason I love it. Oh my God. That's better. The warm is better. The warm is so much better. Well, if you let them defrost, they're pretty amazing. Oh my God. Dude, I've been going through this peanut butter phase.

This is like totally filling my void. Yeah. We just sample a new food every episode. Oh my god. Oh, so fucking good. Jesus. What do you want to share it? Is that what you're saying?

Yeah, yeah. I'm going to get it. You are. I remember last October. Is that what you're saying? Yeah, yeah. You're gonna need to get it. You're gonna need to get it. You're gonna need to get it. I remember last October, Joe is working out so hard. He goes, holy shit. He was working out so hard. Holy shit. He was working out so hard. He was like,

I mean, one add a workout so brutal. I got done and I had a cream soda. Every year and that going I have them all the time. I remember that he um, last year kept losing weight. Yeah. Remember that? Yeah. Yeah. He's like, I can't, I can't fucking, I can't, uh, wait on. I was like, yeah, but he like six thousand calories a day. Yeah. We're working out like fucking four hours a day. Oh, my God. Do you think this is all a program to eat vegetables? It's not, it's not. I mean, you could have that for all of so-braktober.

What if you ate, what if you said a record number goal of, of uncrustables to eat for so-braktober? Because you're not drinking and you're not, you're not getting drug, you're not doing. The problem is I could eat them too at a time. Like, I could eat them so. That's what I'm saying though. why don't you set a goal? What if you what if you could you eat 200 a month? No, I don't think so let's let's let's set a goal. I could probably eat five a day By eat five a day legit eat five a day. I'm about to eat five a day. Let's try. Let's try. You know, but you know, it's like 50. That's all your calories for the day. That's fine. Just live

on on crustables. Oh, it's on your back. Crookie. You're like, I think I'm getting rickets. I had two with peanut butter. No, dude. What have you worked out? Super hard. We're not over. And October and you go up just eating Uncrustibles Just don't and then I get uncrustables to sponsor me. You're like I'm just spin classes And I just even Crustibles every day. Maybe walk at a spin class What a fucking throw up oh

You like I've never felt better. Oh, I'm stronger than I've ever been. Like, what are you doing? He's like, uncrustables, man. They're so good. I can't believe you're not eating your whole uncrustable. No, I was just gonna put her on both sides, jelly in the middle.

It's like the perfect amount. I mean. I mean. What can, what food can you not say? You know what I you know it's crazy is we have talked about uncrustables and then I bought uncrustables for home and I was eating one and I love it's like Hey, I'm idea I was like what this is what I live did tell me if this isn't genius She took a metal straw. You know how everyone has metal straws now in LA Yeah, can't you straws just a metal straw and hollow know how everyone has metal straws now in LA? Yeah.

Can't you see straws? She took a metal straw and hollowed out a hot dog in the center, ran it through the center. Okay. Then took ketchup and squirted it into the hot dog. I like it. And then took pieces of the hot dog that she had hollowed out and closed it so that the ketchup stayed inside and it cooked in. She's a fucking genius.

It was so fucking good. That's genius. Yes, I let it that I let it that and I was like that's a fucking great idea Yeah, I was also the one is like she'll have genius ideas and then you'll be like why the fuck don't they have that? That and then I like the other end of the fridge the other in the fridge was her fucking idea. Oh my god We got into the biggest fight. Do you know what I forget what they're called. I'll tell you the name of them. You guys ever argue? Do you argue with your kids? Yeah. We got into the biggest fight the other night.

Like, I'm gonna tell you the name of the thing. So you can pull it up. Amazon. I just bought three of these because Georgia was like, Dad, these are bad as fuck. We need these for our house. on I just bought three of these because Georgia was like dad these are bad as fuck we need these for our house Your orders it is called a pull this up. It's called a What's the name of this thing It's what's this called hmm Hmm. A metal appearing cane. Metal appearing cane?

Yeah, why is it not coming? Is that the thing you put in your dick hole? Like the urethus? No, they're these like... Sounding, yeah. Oh my God. Oh, that's it, that's it. That's a metal appearing cane. Do you know what that, Oda Nurse told me that?

You know how people do that? They put, so you're ready for this. So some guys, they make metal rods and they put it in their urethra, and they excited. So this girl told me she was working in the ER at nurse and she goes, this guy came in, he was embarrassed because he had, he didn't want to go to his local emergency room, so he

drove like the next town. And he had put the, what's it called, the chamber on a bong? You know, when you put the weed in, you pull that out, so the air comes in. He put that in his dick hole and it was glass and it broke and it destroyed his urethra. So then she, in her ER, they didn't have the... I know, they both of us are like pushing out. They didn't have the urology. So he had to be metavact out of there, flown to another hospital and his whole fucking whole system was destroyed there.

So I've seen, I've seen, by the way, I was... I like yours and cross the walls. I think. So I've seen I've seen I've said I'd by the way I was I like yours and cross the rules. I've seen sounding videos where they they fill your balls up with stuff. What? I don't know I was with the dominatrix once and for an episode of her part and she sent me a bunch of stuff and we almost got sounded. She said to me she goes what would you rather a anal spe uh, Anospecule and I was like, fucking pass. And she was like, or the sounds. And I was like, oh, I'll go with that. Cause it, and they bring out these things. They look like harmonic tuning forks. Yeah. They're gonna go, yeah.

And I go, why do they call them the sounds? And she goes, oh, each one will make you make a different sound. And I was like, so we buy this metal appearing black cane. It's although that's not what Georgia called it, but we buy these things, right? Right. You put this in your dick? No. Hit a video of this because what happens is,

I almost brought one for you because it was scared of the living shit out of you. There, see that thing on the corner with a little pin in it? See the thing with the pin right there? That, yeah. That's what it looks like. And then you pull little pin in it. See the thing with the pin, right there? That, yeah. That's what it looks like, and then you pull the pin, and it turns into a four foot cane immediately.

It just goes, sssh! Like, go to a video of the fucking cane, and you'll see it. So I buy three of them. I don't know what they are. Ila doesn't know what they are. George is the only one that knows what they are.

They get delivered, and they get delivered with white gloves. So like fucking idiots, the three of us put on white gloves, right? And then we got these old things and we don't know what we're doing. And Ila is holding hers like this. Yeah, that top one is perfect. Just sh- oh my god. What is it titled? The most dangerous magic trick on Amazon?

Yeah. And my fucking idiot daughters are like, Dad, get three of them. Look at that. It turns into that, right? How does it do that? Because it's spring loaded. Oh, okay. So...

Fucking Ila opens hers like this. Oh, no. And it hits her in the face, and then hits me in the back of the head. Like, boom, takes out two of us. Georgia has white gloves on and is laughing hysterically. I look at Isla and her nose is bleeding and it looks like it ripped part of her nose off. And it's by the way, it's steel. It's fucking steel and it's sharp as shit.

And I'm fucking concussed because I just got hit in the head And I turn around and I go I go I love what the fuck and she's so confused She's got fucking rocked in the face and she's like huh, and then I look and I was like oh my god her nose is coming off her face It's just bleeding, but I thought it ripped her nose and half dude We got into a screaming match. I was the worst parent you've ever seen because I was like, baby, and she was raising her voice because she was scared. And you were laughing. And George was laughing.

But you were raising your voice for what? Because I was trying to get, I go calm down. And she's like, don't tell him to calm down. And I was like, I don't raise your voice to me. And she's like, I'll raise my voice to my, and I was like, because she was scared, like she got scared. And I was trying to, dude, it turned into

the biggest shit show. And Leanne and then poor I felt so bad for Ila because then the next day she woke up and she had a fucking circle on her face where that thing poked her in her face, do not get one of those metal canes. They're fucking time bombs. I had to throw all the mouth Jesus Christ fucking stupid ass kids. Fucking dumb ass kids. Fucking dumb ass kid buys a fucking grenade to open. Hey, does get three grenades.

Pull the pins to what have. So you still have one? I have two actually. I have two because it would be good in a fucking robbery. You're like, here's just take this and the guy's like, what is it, kong? Yeah, how come they don't have like party grenades? I bet they do. Like a party grenade that you fill with shit or piss

and it just blows up all over you. You feel it with shit or piss? Yeah, you just blow you, hey, take this and it looks like a cellphone and you're like, where's that? You're like, pull the bin and it just explodes on you. And it's just like you're calm in your shit. There should be more grenades. Yeah. Hey guys,

take that idea and run with it. Yeah. Anyone send them to births house. I did, I did a something's burning with Michelle Wolf and she was like, I said something about the hat I had and she goes, where do you get that hat? I was like, oh, like this hat I get from this guy. What is that? It's, I don't know. Can I see it? Yeah. Do you put, is there color in there? Do you color the front? Yeah. All those are really great. Gray hair is a really going gray.

Do you dye them usually? No, I want to. I wish there was a professional. Like when they dyed your beard for the marquee mark movie. Yeah. Do they dye it like, do they take careful and die it at different shades or do they just go, we're just going to die. I thought they actually did a not impressive job.

For real? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I was like, this is a big budget fucking studio. And you just make me look like fucking. And they're like, just go darker. And the guy was like, and he's like, how's that? I'm like, is this how you shoot movies? Yeah, it was, it was just like-

Did you talk to market market old? Yeah, yeah. Is he cool? He was cool, especially if you brought up sports. Oh really? It's one of those things that like, I don't think we can comprehend what it's like to be that level thing.

Like when you're at top, at three draw, at the box office in the world, you know what I mean? So like when we shot at a park, we shot at a park for a couple of scenes. People found out and then I just like, you know, you're kind of like blocked off and you kind of look up and you just see the street is just packed.

You know, what's everyone doing? They're like, Mark Walberg's here. You're like, oh shit. It's so crazy because like hundreds of people. He's like, oh shit. It's so crazy because it's like hundreds of people. He's not, you know what's bizarre about that? I don't mean this disrespectfully. What? But he's not known for his own thoughts.

No, he's a, he's a, he's an internationally famous movie star. He's a movie star. Yeah. And so like, ultimately like, it's so bizarre. Like when you see these celebrities that are like Like I follow them on Instagram. It's a pretty funny interesting Instagram follow. Yeah, yeah, because it keeps like Christian like he's like legit cat hardcore cat. Oh definitely and Like that's but like he's not known for like

It's like the thing with Mel Gibson all the sudden Mel Gibson tells you his thoughts and everyone's like, well fuck that guy. Right. And you're like, we didn't sign up for anyone of their thoughts. Right. Like, Shirley's there on, we don't want to hear her thoughts. We just want to say her, hear other people say other people's words. Yeah. With something pretty on.

Yeah. I mean, for such a bizarre concept that you go, I just want to see pretty people say words that some of the people come up with. I 100% I'll tell you this, it's a real bummer to see ugly people in things, you know? Like when you're watching movies or television shows and you start to see like two, three, four ugly people, you're like, I didn't sign up for this shit. I wanna see better looking people.

Beautiful people. I really do. I mean, unless it's,, you can only get the right to say your own words if they're funny, I believe. Yeah. Or so smart, like, other level intelligence. Like, it's amazing people who let's listen to Stephen Hawking's. Because he's, he was so smart that people were willing to like, like, yeah, and be like, yeah.

Yeah. that people were willing to like, like, yeah, and be like, yeah. Like, you realize that that guy's like, portals to the other parts of the universe. What anyone likes to know what a black hole is, and everyone's like, fine, I'll sit through the fucking guy drooling just to hear about the black hole. I mean, his shit, so he was, you know, he was, you know, like, showed up, he wasn't born like that.

That showed up in college. Yeah, I know. Like, he was like, like, just out on, I don't know, I know, he showed up. He wasn't born like that. That showed up in college. Yeah, I know. Like he was like, like just out on, I don't know, I didn't see the movie. He had multiple wives. Imagine that. What?

Yes. He had a, yes. He had a, but Google that. That can't be real. He had a wife. Show me your pussy. Yeah, yeah, he did. Yes, he did.

Did you ever see first wife see Look at that shit Not I mean to look at him when he look at him healthy right there that black and white photo. That's him That's him he's still got a cane. Yeah, but I mean oh So he met her when he was when he could walk and talk She gave it to him Oh, so he met her when he was when he could walk and talk. She gave it to him.

Sock that's deck, bitch. Yeah. Second wife. Second wife? That's an old photo too. You could tell it. So how many wives can go back? Do you wait, wait, wait, wait.

Do your impression of Stephen Hawking's breaking the news to his first wife that it's over? I'd like to apologize only, but it's not working out. Can you please leave the room? Fuck you, I'm not leaving the room. I can't get out of here. Just walk out, you dirty whore. How about one for the road, huh? He's probably just like, no, he would probably just be like,

I'm outta here. And then she's like, well, in leave, he's like, I kinda need a hand, you know? Can you put the ramp by the door? Go back to the actual, not the images, to the actual, you know, search, the actual results. So how many, so we have, so is that second one that ended in 95, is that it?

Or go to his Wikipedia Wikipedia because it'll have 2006 and then to the right there hit the it hit the week. We did he have two wives at one time. No Okay, so it is just two spouses so 95 it ends did he have any kids? I think it said didn't it? If you go to personal life Family Okay, Jesus Christ you look my wife on this I know Did you ever see the sketch they these two sketches on common scroll down for fuck sake? I'm a grad. Well look at his signature look at his signature. That's definitely his signature. He did it with his teeth

Oh, you're right Dude fucking Ellis has a better signature. Yeah It's not much. It's the best I can do Career I use a lot of ample pay. Do you realize, like, we talking about like, by the way, there's nothing better in comedy than not knowing all the information and just finding the jokes that fit conveniently to you.

Of course. Right now, there's people going, I'm actually, I wrote a biography on Stephen Hawkins and this is so disrespectful. It is super disrespectful. It's super disrespectful, but we know half the personal life, personal life.

Can you, can you, do you think it's a burden to be that smart because I do. I think I bet it's a burden. Like you can't, we can't even comprehend a fraction of how smart it is. I know that. I am as smart, comically as he is smart, that. No.

No, 100%. No. No, 100%. No of our, by the way, there's only a fucking couple of these guys, but like, what we do? Everyone thinks they're the smartest, the funniest guy in the room, but when you're the funniest guy in the room, it's something happens and you can't mention it, and you're like, well, this would fucking ruin the room.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. He has multiple children. Fucking a, man. his kids are our age Oh Isn't this fun anymore. It's nice fun. Well, like he's sung at a church choir The marriage has been strained for years. Yeah, no shit. Tom. Tom. You don't do anything around here Stephen Hawkins met his wife swinging it singing in a church choir You don't do anything around here. Stephen Hawkins met his wife swinging it singing in a church choir.

How the fuck do you say no to that? You're like, hey, Stephen, you're kind of like taking the song and making it too much yours. Sorry. And there's Celsius Dayo. I don't know who you are. So like, you know, maybe better if you did some re-re-reed songs. Alright. Scroll! Goddamn it! Scroll! Wait, it was a progressive disease.

I have opened up the fucking disease now that I've been all these goddamn jokes. Alright. that he's now that I've been always got to him jokes. All right. You've been- They put him in the- Oh, I thought he actually went to space. They're like, that's a bad fucking idea. He's like, you gotta get me back down. There's no way he could help up there. My mind's saying no, my body's saying yes.

All right. All right, so he was kind of smart. I get it you can shut it To be honest with you if you ask me about Stephen Hogan's I mean really nobody did Like I don't really know what he did. I know he was smart and then he couldn't move I don't know what he did that is the best bio I've ever heard of somebody There's this guy who's smart. Okay, let's do a new game. It's called Bertipedia. Okay. It's where it's where I don't I give you the facts that you need to know so you can get in and out of there quickly. Okay. So give me a celebrity and I'll Bertipedia before you.

Stephen Hawkins who smartly couldn't move. Okay. Boris Johnson. I don't know who that is. Okay. Who's Boris Johnson? Prime Minister of the moon now. Who? England. With the last name Johnson. Right, did I say it wrong? No, there's no Johnson's named. Huh?

You guys, you got it. It's kind of Brexit's coming up. Brexit. Brexit's not real. You sound like, you know, you sound like my mother. I was like, I'm gonna be in the UK, like the first day, Brexit. She goes, you're going to be there for breakfast?

I got a, never mind. Breakfast. Oh, what was the typical Peruvian breakfast? It's really light. There'll be some ham slices, cheese slices, bread. They do like a big thing is lunch. Lunch is like a banquet. Really?

Yeah, it's great. So you're like, this is breakfast, like a piece of turkey. And they're like, yeah. And then you come, it's noon, you go to lunch, and it's a table like this covered with like, you know, different foods, ceviche, ají de aina, lomo, satello, all kinds of stuff, man. I keep forgetting your Spanish. I want it to-

Okay, Abraham Lincoln, what's your birthday? Love Black people. Couldn't tell a lie. Good one. Yep. I like that one. Alright, Babe Ruth. Oh, fucking hot dogs, hookers, and cigars, and home runs. There you go. Yeah, Shakespeare. A little bit of a nerd.

Hitler. It's a very bad guy. Horrible human being. Anything else? No, horrible. And a painter. What is it? Do you start to get into the place where the world's getting so woke? You feel bad laughing at bad things? Yeah, you know what the thing is,

you gotta manage your surroundings. If you hang out with these super woke people too much, it has enough, it bleeds into you. I don't have any, I don't have any woke friends, I don't know. But it's just, I'm saying there's surround, like if you're just listening to it, if you're just too engaged with super-wokeness,

it's overwhelmed, you're like, oh damn, really? Am I thinking the wrong thing all the time about it? Like, you can fall into that trap, you know? Yeah. super-woveness, it's overwhelmed. You're like, God damn, really? Am I thinking the wrong thing all the time about everything? You can fall into that trap, you know? Yeah. And then the opposite is also true, right? If you hang out people who have zero regard

for anybody, which you have a few of those friends. I have more of those friends, way more of those friends than a woke. The best problem with comedy is that there's so many of those people. Is that a third rake kind of hat? What is what's this? No simple. Oh, okay The they're in comedy of so many friends that don't get like that They think being horrible is the thing. Yeah, no, it's like no, that's not the thing like who who's like that?

No one come on Will you tell me off, Mike? Yeah. And then I was with two very, very woke comics the other day. And we were talking about something and they're like, I will, I'll tell you the name off here, because I won't say it on here, but they were like, yeah, it's just coming off a tablet tone deaf to me. And I was like, you're, you're a bit was? No, there are. Someone else's. They were talking about

shi'pele. Oh. It's coming off to have it tone deaf to me. Like, I mean, you can be funny, you don't have to say those things. And you're like, or you can just say those things would be funny too. That's the whole thing, is it funny? Right, isn't that like the... Is it funny?

And then you start going to my bad person because I laughed. And because you laughing is... No, thank you. Laughing is, you can't control whether you laugh or not. No, yeah, well. You really can't. If you really find something. No, well, you really can't. If you really find something funny, you involuntarily laugh.

Yeah. And, and I, like, what's the, what's one thing you've seen? I'm trying to think online or in public where you just went, oh, and then you're like, wow, I don't think I'm supposed to laugh at that. Uh, definitely a lot of disabilities. Do homeless people. I'm laughing at that. Definitely a lot of disabilities. Do homeless people. Like I have a real soft place for homeless people and I saw two homeless people fighting,

like just a block in my house. Yeah, of course. And I think like addiction and stuff is pretty, you know, like people strung out. Yeah. See, I was a homeless. Shit in on the street. There was a homeless couple fighting. And he was like, that's it. I'm

out of here and I was like, where are you going? You going down to that corner? She's gonna see over there. How do you break up with your homeless? Yeah. No, people acting inappropriately is always been a thing to me. So if you're inappropriate in especially in a setting where it stands out, you know, like you're waiting in line at the bank and some fucking psycho comes in and yells, I'm gonna laugh my ass off, man, like hard. And people are like, that person's mentally ill, I'm like, that's the best part. Yeah. That's the funny part. I just had a fucking out loud laugh the other day that I was like, woo. Like almost like, sometimes you can laugh in public so bad, it's like you're saying the hate crime.

Yeah. Like you're like, ah! Oh, okay, sorry. I remember it because Dave's been on this, there's big thing that he's been knocked for is transphobic jokes. And he's been doing them for like a minute now, right? Like multiple specials.

And now I'm laughing at the fact that I know he's so aware of the culture and he's like, and he goes, I'm gonna keep doing them. I'm gonna double down. Doubling down, doubling down is the new comedy. It's the new comedy, yeah. It's like, it's going, no, no, no, I'm well aware that people are having.

I remember before the first special came out that he made jokes, trans jokes about. There was a one-off show at the Shoreline Amphitheater in Northern California and there was like 10 of us on the show and Dave's the headliner. So I go up right before Dave, which is the worst spot because everyone's like, we've been here for a while. We don't want to see anyone else. And they're like, there's one more guy who you've never heard of. Yeah, so I did my spot And then you know, I want to watch Dave He comes out and this this is how long ago this was this is a like four years ago

Jenner had just transitioned and was getting a show and he was like, he's like, he's gonna have a show talking about how he transitioned. I don't know why they're giving a show. There's only like eight motherfuckers. I wanna know what that's just like. I left so goddamn hard. Why did you give him a show? I left so goddamn hard. I'm like, I'm gonna show.

Yeah, I left my dick off at the end. There is a real like, have you ever hung out with someone who doesn't know they're being offensive and they're like, huh? Why? And they're just walking around just oblivion. Dude, yeah, that's you. What are you talking about? Yeah.

Are you not gonna finish the uncrossables? No, I can't. I gotta go to dinner with my agent today. So? Yeah, are you not gonna finish the uncrossables? No, I can't, I gotta go to dinner with my, lunch with my agent today. So? Yeah, I'm gonna, I'm gonna eat there, we're going to Granville. Oh, okay. Yeah, talking about moving shaking deals. I wonder if all my press releases have come out yet.

Are you talking, is it a standup agent or a standup Nick? Yeah, we'll talk about you, you wanna come over? I'm good. Yeah? Yeah, but tell me, say hi. Okay, yeah. That's the one thing you're good at. You're so good There's a little inside baseball talk But we both have different agents and sometimes our agents will hit us up and send us texts and

I'm I always take the text way too seriously and I don't reply and I don't know how to do it But Thumbs when Tom gets the text way too seriously and I don't reply and I don't know how to do it. But Tom's, when Tom gets to the text, you reply, you're good at two things. You're good at texting back to people in an unaffected fucking comedic way and you are great at emojis. Oh, you are, you introduced me to the meme emojis where you'd be like, you'd be like, the fat kid goes.

Or whatever, you know, like, you don't remember? I never, I learned about meme emojis where you'd be like, you'd be like the fat kid goes, or whatever, you know, like, you don't remember? I never, I learned about meme emojis because of you. I don't even, I don't even know what you're saying. These things, these things. Like, okay, like here, this is to my mom, okay? So then you go to this one down here, and then, oh, that's my dick. I almost sent that to my mom.

I almost, look at the picture. I almost sent that to my mom. I almost look at the picture. I almost sent to my mom. Look at the fucking picture. I almost sent to my mom. Okay. I got these. I got these underwear from Shynesty. They're like a clothing brand. And I put them all in. I put them all in. Look at how many I took of my dick. Yeah. And I was like, and by the way, this one's pushing out, this one's sucking in. Okay, can you get this a tight on this? Just here you go.

Is that not a great photo? That's not what I meant though. What I meant was, you know the fuck? You talking about gifts? Yeah, gifts, gifts, gifts, gifts, gifts, that's it. Okay. It's like the, it's like, Kermit Tip Sipping Tea. Yeah, yeah, okay.

You're great at, I didn't even know you could, I didn't even know those were on my phone, and you gift us one time and I was like, wait, how did you do that? You're like, are you being serious? And then I was like, Georgia, how did Tom do that? And she was like, give me your phone, Dad. And then showed me gifts and I was like,

those are fucking awesome. I like that you're complimenting me is that I have the fucking media savvy of a 13 year old girl. No, you're great. You're emoji, like when you emoji us, like, are your Rogan will send something that will require reply.

And sometimes I'll be like, I don't know what the fuck to say to this. I don't wanna say it to everyone that I'm. Like, I don't want to say it to everyone and then I'm going to get lit up and you just go, oh, fucking eggplant donut. And everyone's like, oh, killer time. And then you're like, and then you're like, to your face crying, to your face crying,

to your face crying, thumbs up, black thumbs up. Okay. Okay. Okay. All right. Um. Do you get excited when you hear about the new emojis? You're like, oh, I can't wait to use them.

No, no. I don't even know that they come out. Are you okay waiting for a plane? They should have that one just like just like just one emoji of a guy in a full like like Middle Eastern outfit going, ooh. And you said that to people outfit going, ooh, and then what does that mean? Like I don't know. There's a good chance that's out there, if you look for it.

Dude, we should come up with our own emoji. Uh-oh. Can you do that? Can you do that come up with gifts? Ooh, let's give it up. Let's do gift real quick. Yeah. And then we can, can you grab these

and put them in a gift store or something? Gift shop. I'm sorry a gift shop Technically the inventor of the gifts that you're supposed to say gif of real. Yeah, he's a real asshole I tried to in my last special. I tried to I tried to get a gift to watch is on yeah, what are you doing that for this case? I'm gonna hurry and I don't have time to lift up this wrist The okay, do it do a gift for the what expression do you want you're a cunt no no there they don't have sound I suppose it should be an expression that means something be an expression that means something. There you go, there you go, here you go. Wait.

Okay. Yeah. Was that good one? You do one, you do one. Oh yeah, that's a good one. I want to do that one too. Okay, hold on, cut to me, cut to me Yeah Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait By the way, this is a horrible podcast. It's terrible. It's terrible. It's terrible. It's terrible. It's terrible. It's terrible. It's terrible.

Right now they're going with the fuck are they doing? What the fuck are they doing? I'm on the train. I'm on the train. That's a good meme. I'm on a train. Yeah. Yeah. All right. We should wrap this up. Okay, we got to end strong though. All right. I hope we can be of stand-hope called right now to close this out.

Finish your own cross the bulls. That's what people want. No. You're a showman. Ooh. Can I tell you what I almost did for my tour bus? Yeah. By the way, what are you doing for Round Two? Are you doing a crazy tour bus again? Are you putting a wrap on it? I just got the the wrap. Yeah. Let me see. Same. Let me see it. But I thought you were saying that putting the wrap on it was the worst idea ever. I know I did it again That is my favorite thing about you is you'll be like you know what the worst thing I ever did was this thing

I have an option to not do but I'm gonna do it again In pulse control. I was I tried to tried to get a shirtless picture of you fat to put on life size on the side of my tour bus so we could say take a picture with Tom and tag Tom in it so that people would get pictures and I, it is impossible to get a fat person's body because everyone who's overweight, who's put a picture of themselves, it's gonna sue you because they want that fucking body. And so the only options I got were from the Getty Images, and it's not even that fat about your fatter than this guy.

So like the guy was actually skinnier than you, it's just he made stupid faces. You were gonna put my face on that? I was gonna put your face on a fat person's body. But what do you think the rat people would have been like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, just put like, everything had to be legally your own damage. You had to pay getting images to get a fat body and it wasn't that fat. You couldn't find one on there? I'll show you. No, I don't want to get it.

It's gonna be a fake product. No, I was gonna do that on my tour bus. Yeah. And then, Oh yeah, that's a gift. Do the one bite of the uncrustible for a gift. It's a, you know what I mean? I don't know what you mean.

We're doing, we're doing like, we're doing expression. I don't think I know what you mean? Uh-uh, I don't know what you mean. We're doing, we're doing like, we're doing expressions. I don't think I know what you're talking about. We're doing expressions, did the content thing. So why don't you do as a big bite as a gift, you know what I mean? Yeah, but okay, like give me a scenario and someone would use that big bite. I'm ready to eat.

What are we doing now? Okay, I'm ready to eat. I'm ready to eat. Okay, okay. Dude, what are we doing right now? Okay, that's a great. I'm ready to eat. Yeah. Okay. Okay, dude What are we doing right now? Okay? Okay? Okay, leave me into the gift All right, all right, so you'd be you'd be texting your friends and you'd say you'd say something and then I'll give you the reply You send it okay? Dude, what the fuck are you doing?

Yeah, that's good. I was going on in my mouth right there. You wish I could have been a part of what was going on in your mouth? My tongue was spitting it out. Yeah. And my body was saying no, no, no, no, people. If you play, I swear to God, you play that back. You'll see it go out. And then my mouth go, oh, we're taking it with us.

We're taking it with us. Big guy. Um, it's new. It's a prize only good episode. Yeah. Happy so rocked over. Happy so broctober, man. Stay sober. I have fun at the thing that we're doing. If you think I lost weight since last episode. Definitely. You look way better. How much do you weigh right now? I don't know. I have not weighed myself. Ballpark.

If I ballpark it, to maybe 238. I think. Since this is the very beginning of October. two, maybe two thirty eight. Okay. I think. Since this is the very beginning of October, yeah. What we should do is measure our bodies. Oh fuck.

And then post our measurements and then measure them at the end of the month. So depressing. I'll be so be shaped. I'm gonna go hard. Are you? Yeah. Truth is, I'm gonna help with. Are you? Yeah. Truth is looking me up with some steroids. Are these both ones?

Are we gonna, are we, yeah. Are we gonna, you wanna actually say the truth of what Drew said when you, he called you back about asking for steroids? I'll read you his text. We also talked to him. We talked to him. And he was like, can I talk to a sane person?

Yeah. And you passed. Text me was, what's Tom's number? I want to discuss with him. I won't speak to you about it. I'm afraid of you. Is that what he said? And then I was like, fine, I'll just take some Adderall. I would love a prescription about him. He wrote to me, hate saying no to burp, but there's no way. There's a, you can do it healthy though. What? What? Are numbers just came in?

No. Potter said that his, of someone he knows, did that comedy boot camp camp the one that we were talking about earlier Would be so much better hey Josh can you come in and tell the story as if it happened to you Like as if I took the boot camp You did you know do you know details about it? Do I know what I'm sorry? Do you know details? Yeah? Do I know what? I'm sorry. Do you know details? Yeah. My old roommate took it and he paid $5,000 for four days. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, he paid what?

$5,000 for four days. For four days. And he's not doing anything right now, so. He's not a comic? No, I don't think so. Five. I don't talk to him. Five thousand?

He's out here somewhere. Dude, five grand. Do you know you could have just paid me five thousand dollars and I'd take you on tour with me? Like if they were going to young comic and you're like, I got five grand a burn. Give me five grand, I'll have you open for me. Why not, right?

Holy shit. What did he tell you? He told me they had comics come in and like they were at the comedy store like in the day time You know it like yeah 11 a.m. And it was the comics that you the last ones you want to hear wax Poetically about comedy you know the comics that are long I'm gonna say their names later by as good. I know who did it just long-winning love to talk about the idea of what this is and And he just sat and watched them speak, that was it? Yeah, I mean, if you watch the trailer,

I can point it out in his dumb face. Oh, yeah. So that was like a good friend. No, I don't like this part. So that means that everybody that was at this thing was paying five grand? Yeah. So we Anderson got looped into it

and started promoting it and getting a cut of the money. It was so much money and Kyle was making a killing. And then I think he was just like, you know, why am I just making, why am I just marketing to idiots in comedy? Why don't I just market to idiots in general and do self-help? It's smart.

It's smart, it's fucking brilliant move. He's a great self-help guy. I've watched one of his things online and he really fucking, he brought this other self-help guy up and he was like, this guy is one of the top-selling if I could get him to Write a blurb for my book or be on my next talk It can we agree that that that would send me the next level and everyone's like yeah, and he goes you said if you put it out there He things are gonna some true and then he flips a page

He's like will you write a blurb for my book? He goes answer me now and the guy goes I will and kind of was like my book's gonna be a fucking hit Wow, yeah, Kyle's a kiosk smart guy about that shit. Yeah, and he was a and he was a funny fucking comic Well, he fucking had the most popular special for a while on their whole network And he was in a movie couple movies. He was in 10 things I hate about you or something like that. It was a slow clap guy That's right. By the way, he used to be like massively overweight and he lost all that weight. I mean, you got lap answers or something. Or maybe just worked out. Maybe it just worked out. That's a good or keto. I don't know. I don't really listen. One of the three. All right. We gotta get going. Yeah, listen and just strong. All right. Take boys forever.

Take boys forever. Yep. We should definitely. Yeah. Take boys forever. Thick boys forever. Yup, we should definitely. Yeah, thick boys forever. Um, you're going, all right, uh, topsegrow.com slash tour, take it down tour. Body shots world tour dates all through this month, every week I'm working and every week in November shooting the special November 23rd in Cleveland. And then don't forget that then you go immediately back on tour again Just go right back on tour right back in is we've announced tour dates I'm sure we even know it's a tour dates for yeah for the body shots fall tour Swinter tour that starts up January 12th go to purple bird calm get your tickets. They're selling quick There you go. I got another dancing video or something. I'll do for it. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah

Oh, I got we're video or something I'll do for it. Oh yeah, oh, I got it. We're gonna watch mine again that I produced. All right, I love you. Love you, bye. Tom tells stories and birds the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean. Here's what we call, two bears one cave. No scripts to be the booze amateur, patology, dirty jokes,

ronti humor, no apologies. Here's what we call, two bears one cave. Hey!