2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 09 - 2 Bears 1 Cave 2 w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: October 14, 2019

The 2 Bears are back in the 1 Cave and Sober October is almost at the half way point. The wheels are coming off in some ways and we find out if Bert's family would be sad if he left us. Did you know you can text P. Diddy and other celebrities now? We put it to the test. Plus Spear Fishing, Private Jets and is Bert the Master of Impressions?

Ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, Let's go. Let's go. There's a perfect way to start off this show. 12 years in the making. It's gonna be a fucking shit show. I haven't put it in my bag, everyone. It's gonna be a, I'm gonna do the hay. It's 100%. I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, too. Welcome to Two Bears, One Cave. I'm Tom Segura with me as always. Uh.

Is little piggy. I am a murdering drink. So I have a drinking problem like just fluids. Bert Kreischer, that's your drink. Bert Kreischer. Yeah. Yeah. I'm even drinking a lot.

Do you have an murder ring? So people don't know about, for sober October, there is only one caveat that allows basically somebody to win this year. And that is that you can, if you're 205 legit at the end of the month, then you win. Then I win. I don't know what I am right now.

I'm going on your, I'm gonna weigh myself today. Yeah. For the first time. I'm guessing. Yeah, what is your guess? Low 230s to maybe high 220s. Already. Yeah.

You think so? I have been so good on this diet, You have no idea. What are you doing? intermittent fasting, low high protein low carbs, meaning I mean I have I've had some bread. Yeah, but like lots of greens and protein and and I'm not eating from eight until noon. From eight pm? 8 pm till noon. My last meal is atm. and then I won't eat for 16 hours. Dude, and I love intermittent fasting. You do. I love it. And I... You feel that whole building? Are you like, well, man, I'm so hungry. No, not at all. Not by the time you eat. By the time I go to eat, I'm like, yeah, I could eat.

But then, and then, but the wheel, when the wheels come off, the wheels come off. What, how do the wheels come off? This is what I live for. Yeah. On the airplane yesterday. Yeah. I've got two bananas and some nuts and I'm watching my watch. Come on, baby, come on. Get 60 hours. I ate those bananas like I was a grilling captivity. I was just like, right, right, right, right, right. And then nuts and then and then I no cookies. I didn't eat a cookie or bread on the plane I had of meat salad, strawberry. I've had fruit, I'm cool with fruit.

And yeah, I've been eating really good. I, I, good man. I mean, it's weird though. I'm in control of like, remember how I said like, I was like, my brain will go like, oh, I got a drink and then I go, huh, I can't have anything. Yeah. I'm starting to do that with stuff like melatonin,

not melatonin. Yeah. Like, oh, I'm gonna have a melatonin tonight. Yeah, it's just exciting. Dude, this fucking loop told me I slept three hours last night, right? What I didn't, it's it. I woke up this morning at 6 p.m.

6 a.m. to go to Hotspin. My loop says I worked out, I slept three hours. So immediately I'm exhausted, right? I'm going, what the fuck was I up? Was I rolling around? Was I knocking deep sleep? So I get up, I go to hot spin. I'm like, I'm gonna say, I'm so beat.

Oh no, no, no, no, no. Right, I get out of hot spin, I check my whoop to see what my strain was, and then it goes, hey, you slept eight hours last night, I'm like, asshole! Yeah. And then I'm like, I feel amazing! Dude, I wanna create one of these that just lies to you.

And see, like, it's called the placebo effect. Yeah. See how good you think. How good do you feel? Like, I slept great. You slept 10 more minutes, me last night, I checked. Oh, for real? Yeah, yeah.

But we'll get into it in a minute. Let's get into this real quick. Oh yeah, yeah. Do you feel like, no, your family would be bummed out if you were gone? The kids would be, I'll rephrase it. I think the kids. I would be.

I think an idol would be like, great. No one to kill root beers with in the man cave. And George, I should be like. I think George would be like This is a time for me to prove my metal as a human. Yeah, I yeah, it's time for me to show mom that I can pick up the slack And I can take off with all the stuff dad didn't do and I can do yeah, I'd be like it's a new life We am. We'll be like yeah. Oh, I can't wait my podcast is gonna blow up Thinking about pulling the plug on that fucking thing. Hahaha.

Hahaha. Fucking. Hahaha. My God. Hahaha. All right. Hahaha. Hahaha.

Just fucking. Uh, wait, so, oh yeah, we're, all right. So if you guys are not aware, you know, we're doing so Brocktober, that's how we're doing more episodes this month. I, I got to be honest with you. Uh, you know, obviously Joe, Joe has a bigger global mind than I definitely than Tom and I and what big global mind like the way he looks at things

is a little more is a little bigger picture than me and you and definitely bigger than then then then hey, I didn't think it through Shafir. And so so. I got so many good secrets about Ari. So, are you guys talking again? We've communicated, yeah. Okay, all right, good.

And he sent a very, very, very heartfelt apology to Leanne. Oh, really? Like legit. Like, like, yeah, I don't wanna blow a barry spot. No, I know. Thing I like yeah I mean I don't want to I don't want to blow a barri spot. No I know. I know. Thing is like I don't apologize or anything but I think I think he's we've communicated everything's everything's on the mend I think. All right good good. But um but you know Joe's always said you know there's a lot of people that do this so rocktober that you know it does change people's lives. Yeah. I ran into this one kid man almost started crying

he was in um Fort Myers. He came up to me with his brother's brother's fucking wasted and the kid was like dude I did so about to be with you guys last year you guys earn inspiration He's like I'm down, you know 125 pounds or something by the way He's a good looking kid now like and you look at him and he's in great shape And he's young enough that his body bounce back And I couldn't stop thinking that this silly stupid thing we do where we don't drink or do drugs and we do some fucking competition

that can be overwhelming at times. Change this kid's life forever. And I kept thinking he's gonna get to have the life that he wanted to have. Like, the first time I ever lost weight was when I met Leanne and I kept saying, I want the girl that doesn't know that I'm around. Like, I want the girl that's blowing me off right now. I kept thinking that.

And I go in order for her to recognize me, I have to lose weight. Right now, she just sees me as a slob. And I want to find her, I want to get her, and then I want to be the slob. Did you, did you, did you, did you, did you, did you meet Leanne and then go, I'm going to get in shape. No, I'm, I got down to 186 pounds. And then better. And then Met Leanne. then go, I'm gonna get in shape? No, I got down 186 pounds. And then met Leanne. And then met Leanne.

And then was like, all right, this is my girl. No, I'll be a slut. Now I'll be a slut. You see if I can get her a fet. No, I actually had a couple of people go like, oh, you know, when you guys did your sober October, you were talking about not maybe ringing the bell, blowing it off.

And they were like, I got so sad because. There were a lot of people. Yeah. I've done about running to, they were like, dude, when I heard Joe talking about ringing the bell, I really was like, please don't do this. I'm so mad with you. So many people are doing it with me.

And things have grown to the place where no one's being fucking jerks at bars. Like, I still go to the bars and hang out with the fans after the show, I just don't drink. And I mean, people are coming up to me saying Like, I, because I still go to the bars and hang out with the fans after the show, I just don't drink. And I mean, people are coming up to me saying stuff, like, how are you doing this? And I'm like, it's very easy.

Like, I don't, I don't need to drink that for a good time. Does that because you read the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, the doctor drew recommended? Real. Fucking. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Can I tell you what I think really is really fucking me up a little bit Joe talked about this? I talked to Drew about it, but ecstasy Molly yeah MDN MDNA or whatever's called is used to treat alcoholism and so When you take it a lot of times you have you it destroys your urge to drink for up to three weeks

What he said and I have no urge to drink. Like I genuinely think I'm a drinking, like you know, like at the airport, I'm like, I wouldn't mind a cocktail. And then I go, like in a weird way, I also build up, I think it's an OCD part of me, where I'm like, I build up where I go, I haven't drank in now, 14 days, I feel fucking good, I should just keep going.

But yeah, I don't know. It's cool to see it, and I'm seeing a lot of people with whoops traps on. Yeah. So this guy yesterday and he was like, he's like, dude, what's up? And I go, are you wearing a whoops trap? He's like, dude, I'm fucking obsessed. It's the best.

I love this thing. I love it because it's fun to break down data. I love the data. If you look at my strain, pull up our whoop, the most strain I got, this whole go to strain. Whole strain, the most strain I got, this whole good strain. Whole strain, the most strain I got was fucking spearfishing. I believe it.

I mean, I didn't even think, I didn't sweat, obviously, some in the ocean, but we were in the water for an hour and 45 minutes. That was a lot of airy in the strain lead. That can't be accurate. Yeah, looks like he's been doing something. His recovery looks. Oh, he doesn't sleep.

Yeah, I know. The guy with no fucking kids or wife. No responsibility. Just kids. Yeah, his average is 14.1. Which by average was my average stream? 11. Oh, yeah.

My average stream sucks. I have taken days off and then a five really like takes it out of you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But look at that strain on the day we went spearfishing. Yeah, it was so high and I'm like dude for you the fucking crazy thing is your average sleep is terrible. Oh Dude, I mean you know what I think you might have a case to talk to a doctor about allowing you to drink again Yeah, I'm dying as these I would how great would it be if Woop came back and they're like, apparently, drinking is good, firstly. I'm afraid, but I think all those yellows are on the bus and all those reds are on the

bus. All right. So I wonder if it notices the bus moving and thinks I'm awake. Hmm. You know, because the bus is moving and it, it, it, it'll log like four hours and that's the time for more. Joe sleeps less than I thought. We go to Joe. Joe's recovery is for shit. Look at his his recovery is like don't

need it. Don't need it. Don't need it. I'll get through this. 13 is when it's okay. So look, he's doing six. He's recovery was great at the beginning. 6 6 5. No, I guess he gets decent sleep. 6 6. But he but he's got a lot of like five and a half, five, you know, like that's not great sleep. Five, dude, go back to his sleep. I want to see Joe's sleep. That's sleep right there.

See those are the times. Yeah, okay, five hours, four hours, five hours, five hours. Yeah. Four hours, five, yeah. Joe, but I think it's Four hours, five, yeah. Joe, but I think it's once again, it's one of those things like when you do the BMI scale and you look at Joe and you go technically, he's obese.

But he's not. I think this is one of those things where he's still probably performing at a level beyond what we could wrap our heads around. And had he, if he got that green sleep, I think he would be shocked at how different. Well, the thing that I started to pay attention to is the few times that I've gotten, like, optimal sleep, it really changes my day. Right? I feel much better. I mean, look at my sleep and my,

oh my god. So my sleep... You look like a reggae band. I mean, you can see like, I got a lot. Jesus Christ. What do you do? But I got eight one time, seven and a half, seven, 40, right, seven, 27. Those days, amazing. The days where it's anything that it's close to six or less than six, I fucking feel like shit. You know, there's that day there, it's five something. But how are you getting like, when you have six hours and three minutes,

but you're getting your recovery is so high. I don't know. That must be a, if you don't sleep that much and your strains low that day, I think you can recover well. If your strains high, you need to sleep more to recover well. Dude, it's hard to get a high strain on this whoop.

Like this is really redefined, everything. I've always gone by my watch, and my watch always says, it kind of like candy coats everything. So it's like, you killed it today. And then you look at your whoops and your whoops, like, oh, your strains, bullshit. Dude, there were days, if you look at,

some days my strains 12, but I did hot spin in the morning and then ran four miles at night. And I'm still, I'm doing go with calories, but like my strain isn't high. Yeah. I don't know, man. I want to get, but like my strain isn't high. Yeah. I don't know, man. I wanna get an expert on my podcast, a whoop guy, because I really wanna explain,

I want him to explain what HRV is. I've asked for it too. I was like, give me a better explanation. Cause I did the research that HRV is your heart rate variability. And I don't, some days, I still under seven minutes. I still, I read about it. I read multiple articles about it.

And I was like, oh cool, I still don't have the reading comprehension skills to process I do I read that and what happens to your like I used to have a joke about it when I read When I read memoirs of a gaysha. I would start reading. I was born on the windy clips of Okinawa and then my brain goes Oh, what if she knows mr. Miyagi and then as, I would keep, I would keep like kind of like going, hey, I wonder if I wonder, like and I would, my brain, and I cannot read information and then process the information.

How's your reading going? Are you reading? I started reading a book about Uber. Yeah. And like the, not a book on how to get Uber. But press this button. Wait, fill out your credit card form. No, about Uber and I'm trying to get my, here we go.

You ready? I'll tell you what my sleep was. Last night on my Garmin, it says I slept eight hours and 19 minutes. Oh, Jesus. Which is not accurate. No, I think the woops probably more accurate. By the way, did you see, speaking at Uber,

I just think of Ashton Kutcher because he's an investor in all many things. Did you see that thing like two weeks ago when all these celebrities were like, I wanna be in touch with my fans. So text me. They all started posting these videos. We needed that.

And I was like, I- Sebastian, Ditty, who else? A couple other huge celebrities. And I was like, what was like, I was like, I was like, Sebastian, Ditty, who else? A couple other huge celebrities and I was like, what kind of bullshit is this? They're like, here's my phone number. Let's text Whitney, let's text Whitney right now. It's not, but that's the thing is like. And find out what it is.

I started to do research. I was like, what is, I know this is a gimmick. It's a gimmick. It's the same thing. No, it's action culture. So it's what he invested. It's it's action-culture. So it's what he invests is a company he has invested in called community. And so it's loop, it's hooking all these people to be like,

can I text this celebrity? And then you get an auto response back like, hey, it's me, it's Diddy, but I'm in the studio right now. I'll get back to you. I'm sorry. Where did you text them? No, I didn't buy this.

Wait, get us some numbers. Get us some numbers. I got it. Let's text this horshipped fucking ass. Such bullshit. I hate when you can I tell you what one note there was one called say now that we were all a part of was this is this is probably 10 years ago say now they get you a. And if you go hey hold on if you go to like, Diddy's, what's it called?

Instagram, you can definitely see it there. And I'll even tell you which one it is, because I was laughing at scroll, scroll, keep scrolling, it's gonna be not there. Keep going. How much is this for? Your post, haulin', haulin', haulin',

and then diddy, by theing, hauling, and. And then, by the way, can I tell you the saddest thing about P Diddy? He doesn't have any friends. Really? Do you think he's sad? No, dude, I'm telling you when I say this. Yeah. Puff Daddy.

Yeah. He doesn't have any friends. Yeah, I mean, people. No, no, no, no, no. You don't understand what I'm saying. He doesn't have, stop looking at the screen, look at me. Okay. He doesn't have any friends. at the screen, look at me. Okay. He doesn't have any friends. I used to follow him on Periscope.

Yeah. And every fucking night was him by himself in his house with a bottle of champagne, like turned up, and then he'd be like, going to his kids' rooms, like, hey, you guys are hanging out. Go back up, not dad. Come on, go back to your room.

He'd fall all up daddy. Doesn't have any friends that broke my heart. I would watch him every night and be like tell me you'll be his friend. Have you ever seen the video of him on drink champs? No. Oh. Right keep going up because I think that uh.

Do you think they can't? I think there's a possibility that the video is gone. I guarantee you because I guarantee you, in today's fucking world where they take out Jeremy Renner's app, is this it? Could this possibly be it? Yup, it was something young. I shouldn't do this, but text me.

All right, Teddy, I got you. 917. I want to be your friend. I want you to have friends. Yeah. I could be your friend. 746. 917, to have friends. Yeah, I could be your friend 746 917 1 917 746 746

1444 1444. Yeah, set a text 10. Yeah, it says text it says text what happens if I call but I don't know It's gonna be like a yo dog him. What do the answers? He's not answering this is Sean He's on his bird. He's not answering. No. But. This is your boy love. Thank you all for calling. So no, right now.

I'm probably running a marathon, making a hit record. You want something in the in the black excellence and love and peace and positive vibrations So I can't pick up the phone right now, but if you text me text me I'll make sure I hit you text me okay Okay, oh thank God I was worried that I was worried for send the text and tell me if you get an auto reply Okay, I said a text be like what a black How many of you get an auto reply? Okay. I've seen a text. Be like, what up, black?

Hey, Sean, it's Bert. Dash, I'm gonna follow you on Periscope and I feel like you don't have any friends. And I was wondering if you wanted to hang out sometime. Maybe go get a coffee or a smoothie or a cold press juice. Period. Please text back. Dash, the machine. Okay. Oh, I miss both Sean. Alright. Wow, he text right back. Oh, he's

talking. He takes back so quick. It's diddy. Hey, Bert, thank you so much. Thanks so much for texting me. I'm a big fan of your stand up. I'm kidding. It's ditty. Thanks for texting. Who is this? Be sure to click the link and add your contact so I can so Contact add your contact so you hear it from me first. Everything else will come from me direct. Okay Okay, let's click the link. I might see a lot of fucking bullshit. No, no, no, no, this is how it works me first, everything else will come from me direct. Okay, let's click the link. This is a lot of fucking bullshit. No, no, no, no, this is how it works with celebrities, Tom. A lot of times you gotta click the link

and you go to a in-community page. No, no, no, no, no. Can we do this later? Yeah, sure, what do you want to do? I'll just keep, hey, someone come in and grab me a coffee and grab my phone. Okay. Gender identity?

I'm out. Yeah. Wow, he asked for my gender identity. I'm triggered. Yeah. Can you, here you go, Josh, go ahead and fill me out. I hate that kind of horseshit. That's why I love what they did to Jeremy Rennerter's app. Oh, and they destroyed it. Oh, you didn't see this. I saw it. I saw it. Oh my god. It was one of my favorite things. Well, you got to tell people Jeremy Renner had a bullshit app, much like our friend, Chris DeLia. Whoa. Chris DeLia's app is horseshit. Why?

Oh, it's the same thing as Jeremy Renner's. DeLia would say it too. Really? Yeah, I mean, I'm hoping you would, I'm kinda lighting it up right now. But I think it's done by the same people that do DeLia's. It's not really Chris, it's an app. But you mean it's not really Chris, though?

It's someone running an app that, you know, text back and like, you post it. It's not really Chris, it's an app. But you mean it's not really Chris, though? It's someone running an app that, you know, text back and like, you post it. It's not him? Yeah, I don't know. But it doesn't the app have like, okay, I don't know anything about Chris. I set up the app and then immediately I got like, I just tried it for Delias a long time ago,

and it was automatically like, hey, put in your phone number, put in your, and I was like, that's not Chris. Well, I guess that's, I mean, they're trying to just... It's a company that has an app. Okay. If I'm not mistaken, it's actually the exact same company that has renters app. The dinner's app.

And I think it's the exact same app that did it. But renters got... Renner is not Chris DeLio. Jeremy Renner doesn't, by the way, I'm talking shit about Jeremy Renner who I'd hope would be on my show one time, but because I like Jeremy Renner. But I don't think Jeremy Render has a sensibility

the way D'Lia is where he's like, fucking burn it to the ground. I don't give a fuck what's funny plays. If you guys destroy my app, then my app just became good. Yeah, yeah. And that's D'Lia. Jeremy Render was taking pictures of him.

Cooking something. It's a work day and it's snowing, but it's still a work day, but it's snowing. Yeah. I'm going to work. And you were like, so they started, they, one guy found out that if you, if you sent, if you sent a message on renter's app that it got, and that it would look like Jeremy Renner replied, but it wasn't Jeremy Renner replied, it was other people replying to your message. So it was like, what we gonna do this weekend?

And he was like, I don't know, just eat pussy. It looks like Jeremy wrote it. Yeah. And then people started, oh, so funny, people, and I've never laughed at Casey Anthony jokes. But they started going, hey Jeremy, it's me, Casey Anthony, me and my daughter used to be big fans here. It was like just the fucking,

there is something so beautiful about that. It was like 24 hours they said that between whenever this caught on and they had to delete, he was like take it down. Yeah, to delete the app, but see, that's what is different between Dilean renters, Dilea would be like keep the app up. Yeah, keep it going.

But I think it's the exact, I'm almost certain it keep the app up. Yeah. Keep it going. I don't think it's the exact same. I'm almost certain it's the exact same people that do the exact same app. But that's the problem I have with like, that's what I problem I have with management and companies like that. There's no Molly in this, right?

And so, but is like, is they get, what'll happen? Is someone will come and take a general meeting at UTA and be like, all right, we've got a here's the deal We give your clients a brand new fumble I was thinking about getting a brand new phone number putting it out for my fans and then taking calls and texting and replying to people and Using it that way genuinely doing what action cooture does But he does a workaround and I hate that they go into UTA They pitch it UTA buys it and then they got to sell their clients and so then and then they do it

Like and they do it kind of half-dass, and then clients go, Oh, man! And then it's this horse shit non-connect with your fans where you're just taking the lowest common denominator. Yeah. The fan that has the least amount of money,

the least intelligence, you're just taking them for a fucking ride. Yeah. I think that's fucking horseshit. Yeah. It's a reason I want to meet and greet, is that meet and greet are such... You don't do them? I do them differently. I do them where I have, it's a reason I won't do meet and greets. Is that meet and greets are such... You don't do them? I do them differently.

I do them where it's a raffle. So if you want to buy a dollar and roll the dice, if that's what you got, you can do it. And if you want to spend 150 bucks, chances are you're gonna meet me. And then I give all the money to charity at the end of the tour. So I'm like, I don't want to feel gross taking

like $350 for a meet and greet. And then basically you get literally 30 seconds with me, and that's your money, that's not, it should be a little more fair. I didn't realize you had that in you. Barely, barely. You know, hard to do this for me to get that money to charity. Yeah.

Do you have any idea what a fucking pissy contife man about giving that money to charity? Whose idea was it to give it to charity? Fucking business managers like you can't keep the money man. It's a raffle. You're gambling. And he's like, you got to give it to charity. And I was like, are you fucking serious? So you're basically saying that you found out afterwards that you have to give it to charity.

It was, it wasn't set up for you to give it to charity. it to cheer. Ah, like how you didn't realize you were saying that at first. You made a sound. I do this for charity. Your account forced you to give it to charity. Oh, you're not a good guy. I wanted that buddy so bad. My brain hurts in the back. Oh, fuck.

So I'm giving it to a homeless shelter. Oh. And by the way, if we're gonna be honest, I'm only doing that to a homeless shelter near my house so I can get them out of my backyard. I'm like, fucking looking for a homeless shelter close to my house so I can get clean up my neighborhood. Jesus Christ.

Oh. Now I'm a horrible person. Oh, that was so great. I love that if nothing, this podcast once, once an episode we have one laugh, I think of times when you talk to me about having sex with that black chick, I laugh at that.

I'll be sitting in the airplane, I'll just think you, no, it's paper from Browning. And I just fucking start laughing where it hurts. Yeah, do you do mean greets? No, but you do fall on private jets. Hey, here's what happened this week. I lucked out. I got lucky.

What do you mean lucked out? I got lucky. So you were born white? No, so I did book a jet, because I thought it'd be fun to do. Omaha to... No, I did it to Des Moines and then back from Fargo. These are two places I would have had to connect in and out of and I was like, I've been on this crazy tour.

Didn't you have the bus? Yeah. And you did? The bus just met you and you flew? Yeah. Yeah. Why didn't you just drive on the bus? I did drive on the bus just met you and you flew? Yeah. Yeah. Why didn't you just drive on the bus? I did drive on the bus.

No, but drive from city to city on the bus instead of flying private jet. I did. Okay, keep going. I flew in on a jet, the bus picked me up, the bus took me to every city, and I flew out on a jet. Oh, back to LA.

Yeah. Yeah, somebody hears, here's what I, and I, do you need an opener? Ha, ha, ha, ha. No, here's the thing. So, do you really, how many tastes you tell if I open for you? Oh, a lot.

Yeah, let's, and I'd pay you like a fucking opener. That's okay, I'm flying the private jet. Well, here's the thing. So, I did, or I was like, this will be, you know, it's like, my tour is almost over. I was like, this will be a fun weekend. I'm bringing one of my oldest friends, Ryan Sikki. He's, how old is he? He be a fun weekend. I'm bringing one of my oldest friends, Ryan Sikler. He's a old, he's a 60, 62.

He's a 60, 62. So, so I was like, it'll be great. And, you know, it'll just be a fun week. Me and my buddy and we'll do the jet thing. It'll be awesome. I'm gonna keep it on the DL, but God forbid, Ryan Sikler posted all over Instagram. I know.

Ryan's got pictures of him and Ali in the back. He's a bitch. I fucking, I rise up, takes there's a him and Ali in the back. You're just crazy. I fucking, I didn't realize when he posted the first time and I was like, I just got a lot of text messages. And he's like, oh, my bad. My bad. My bad, all right. So, and everyone I remember.

You know what I'm doing that again on the reply home. I got people being like, what are you doing? And my love when people judge how you spend money and go and you're like, guys, I got it. I remember when I got the being like, what are you doing? And my love when people judge how you spend money and go, and you're like, guys, I got it. I remember when I got the tour bus everyone's like, bro, you're pissing away all your money. And I was like, why did one of my friends at the show this week in a Fort Myers,

he's like, dude, I got him worried about you. And I said, why? And he goes, this fucking tour bus. Like, what's this cost to you? And I was like, the fact that you're asking that, just shut your fucking mouth. Exactly. Trust me, you don't think I had to run this

by nine different people, of course. Of course. Fucking green lit a tour bus. I know. So like, when you sell 300,000 tickets on a tour, you can fucking give me your opinion. So, so, this is a, by the way, I'm only laughing because I know exactly

how much I sold on the last one. I'm like, 300,000 dollars. I was like, all right, listen, you bottom-feeding piece of shit. But no, here's a, this is how I lucked out though. So I did book a jet, but I booked, it's expensive, but I booked a reasonable plane to do this. Well we get there to go and it's like, we're supposed to just board and they go, oh, there's a computer malfunction.

So they're just pulling it into a hanger and they're gonna evaluate it. We should know something soon. I'm like, okay, half hour goes by 45 minutes. I was like, hey, what's up? They're like, oh, there's still evaluating it. I'm like, all right. Then like an hour goes by. I'm like, hey, you know, we still, we have a shows. We have to get out of here

pretty soon. Another 15 minutes, they go bad news. We took out the part and it actually needs to be replaced. I'm like, so what's that mean? They're like, well, we can't replace it today because we have to get that part in. I'm Like, so how do I get out of here? So the company that we booked through is like, well, because it's a mechanical thing, but we're just gonna get you a plane that's available. So they give us an upgrade to like a, a assault Falcon 50, which is,

it was a big bootcamp. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, that's not even the craziest part. So we fly, we fly there on that. There's a blizzard in Fargo. So I take the bus for the whole week. There's a blizzard in Fargo. It's da, s-a-u-l-t, falcon, d-a-s, a-u-l-t,

falcon, 50. So that's what we go on, okay? They give us this. Big fucking, that's what we go on, okay? They give us this. Big fucking, that's a big fucking plane. Wait a minute, wait a minute. So we fly there and it's amazing. It's amazing and they're like, by the way, they call me and they're like, sorry.

And we hope this is okay. I'm like, it's amazing. They go, yeah, we ended up losing a lot of money to do this. But, you know, they're like, it's not your fault. So, but I was like, all right, well, thanks very much. So then I say, now we're gonna fly back home, right? We're gonna fly back home. Well, there's a blizzard coming to North Dakota.

So they're like, the one that you booked, the reasonable plane is too small because of the weather, it might be... Reaching gallons. Yeah, and they're like, and you know, the ice is gonna be a factor, and it's just, it's not as safe. I'm like, so how do I get out of here?

They're like, we gotta send a large aircraft. So. So wait, I saw that. This is the one. They sent me at no cost to me, a G4. I saw that I fucking saw that I went I said is that a fucking G4? So if you put a full of a G4 Gulfstream for Gulfstream G4 They make songs about this plane. Yeah, they do

They sent me this are you serious? Yeah, look at that left one there. Like that. Look at, I love it they go. This is how big it is compared to a- Look at the interior one. It is so fucking huge. So guess how many people could fit on the plane? It was me, Ryan Alley.

It has room for 17 seats. Ha! Wait, and so what would normally a G4 cross-terrace? Holy shit, it would have been, first of all, if they would have presented this as an option, I'd be like, you had your fucking, I'm not taking that. It would have been like more than triple what I had decided to book it for. My God. Yeah.

It would have been been more one way. I mean, I don't know if I could, I don't know, I don't know if I, I don't know when I will be able to do that meaning like emotionally. Oh yeah, it'll be soon. Cause you know I love spending, I like, I wouldn't mind spending money on something like that. Like when I took the helicopter in,

I was like, it was a thousand bucks, I was like, so fucking worth it. Now granted, it was a thousand bucks for 10 minutes. Yeah. So you're like, oh, I mean, no, this, like this is crazy to book, but if you book one of the smaller ones, it'll, you're gonna love it.

Really? Yeah, it's awesome. When are we gonna buy a jet? You know why it's like, and then we could do that. Me, you, and Rogan, buy a jet, and then lease it out. Yeah, look at you do it. So probably we all there's a bed in there It's amazing And I had a flight attendant

For three of us and you're not drinking I know I would have been fucking great. I know a bottle of champagne That's what she did. She's like you want some champagne. I was like I'll take a spark of water. Do you have any pretzels? Yeah. No, I was right. Chocolate. I'll just fucking shut chocolate down my fat face. Fucking punish myself. Amazing. It was amazing. I'll tell you what, I gotta be honest with you, man, I'm loving this so rocktober. You are. I'm more than I've ever loved any other one. Dude, I did, I did a, a boxing. We did, we both did, I gotta do boxing. I did boxing. I did, we both did, I gotta do boxing. I did boxing. I did, we both did the tactical shooting,

which was amazing. One of the greatest experiences, I can't, I don't know if there's an equivalent of what we did out there, meaning like, I don't know if like a pedestrian can do what we did. I think it exists in certain, I've seen other people send, first of all, there's so many fucking online coaches. I love these exists in certain, I've seen other people send, first of all,

there's so many fucking online coaches. I love these fucking cunts who, you're like, here's my first time ever doing this. And they're like, nice trigger discipline, faggot, and you're like, you're like, dude, this is my first time doing this. Dude, I posted my video and somebody goes, you missed one.

I was like, yeah, there was a hostage standing in front of him. I think I'm going to shout the hostage. Who gives a phone? And also, it's my first time, these guys are like, you really need to work on your shooting skills. Oh my god, for the first time. I had, I have a handgun and I've been so irresponsible with it. I have a bit, my new special about it,

but I've been so irresponsible with it. And so afraid of it. Like, honestly, afraid of it. I have a bit in my new special about it, but I've been so irresponsible with it, and so afraid of it. Like, honestly, afraid of it. I literally came home from that, and I fucking loaded it, put one in the chamber, and put it in the safe. And I was like, I'm good. I didn't even know how to do that before.

I mean, I'm not even joking, but I got so confident, I got so confident. I got so confident with that with those firearms. I was so grateful for that experience that I walked out going like this changed my perspective on on everything. And I love I love one of the things I've I've come to realize in so, Brock Tobor is I love coaching. Yeah, I love someone coaching me. I'm a good I'm a good student. I like it. I love someone coaching me. I'm a good student. I like it.

Great. I love, like, tearing out, I gotta show you my fucking, my reload was so fucking fast. He got me so good at my reload that I was like, and it's just following directions. And I wonder sometimes if that is inherently a male attribute because we were taught as children as young men, there's certain... I've been trying to work this out as a bit, but like, don't cry, shut the fuck up, hustle, all these things that you taught as a young boy, and you never talk back to your coach, listen to your coach. I wonder if that's inherently a male attribute because,

and I'm sure it's not, I'm sure it's not, but it's one of the things that I find, I connect with the little boy and myself very quickly, where I go, just listen to your coach. Just trust your coach. It's almost like climbers go trust your gear, trust your coach, you won't get hurt if you listen to your coach. I like being coached, I like,

I had a great experience with Taren, because immediately I go like, I love when I go, I'm new at something, oh, you're an expert and you're willing to teach. I love being open to that. So. And I like, and he was a little firm with me. Yeah.

Like he would be like, he would be like, he'd be like, no, no, no, no, no, you're, like cause I was, he's like, you shoot him in the dick. Quick shoot him in the dick, pull that, pull that. Yeah. Pop him, there you go, there you go. And he also has like a team of experts, people don't realize,

so they're watching us in clips and videos. All the people there, basically 95% are competitive shooters. Oh, yeah. One of them is a two or three time world champion, and another one is LAPD. Like, these are people that do this, you know, they're using firearms for a living.

Yeah. So they, all the stuff that they taught us, like is second nature to them, like, you know, even like pulling it out, whatever, the reloading the magazine shooting, they're all experts. And it was, it was, it's funny because I always equivalent it to comedy.

Yeah. Where it's like, if you know, if you were teaching someone how to do stand-up comedy, you'd be like, so like things that are second nature to us that we don't think about, it's like, you know if you were teaching someone how to do stand up comedy You'd be like so like things that that are second-atured to us that we don't think about twice like take the mic Move the mic stand out of your way so it's not in front of you right and you would tell a new person And then once they did it a couple of me like move the fucking mic stand Yeah, yeah, and they were tearing was like that with me like stop with the fucking hit. Where's your hand? Where's your hand? I was like, but dude right now on my hands are perfect. I was so high left bubbling.

This was the concept that we, this was the right concept this year. Do new things, try new things. I did the boxing, I did a powerlifting one. I have. Do the powerlifting looked so fun. It was fun. He's great.

Bradley Martin took a whole session with me. I hate to like rip you and Joe off on like what you guys are doing, but like as soon as I as I saw you guys with Taren, I was like, I gotta do that. I gotta do that. It was one of, and I wanna go back, because I wanna be able to do the, I wanna do shotguns, I wanna do the 50.

Yeah, I wanna go back with Taren too. And then I have, I'm race car driving this week and I'm flying a plane this week, so I'm doing. Have you done, is this like, are you doing, have you done a lot of stuff with the plane already? What do you mean? Are you just getting up and flying? I'm getting up in a plane just to fly it, yeah.

Fuck that. Yeah. I want to do powerlifting, I want to do boxing. I'll tell you this too, just for, if you want to see like kind of cool clips of it, I uploaded to my personal YouTube page, which I had all but abandoned, but now I'm using it. So if you go to YouTube and just type in Tom Segura, you can see the videos of me doing

these classes and we're going to keep putting them up as the month continues. So if you, yeah, let's see, we'll pull it up here so you can see just what it is. See the top right there? Hit that. The last two. See, right, I have my shooting class up there and then I have the boxing class. I gotta take boxing. I've always wanted to take boxing. Oh, I got the guy. Yeah, but I definitely, I'm, we did spearfishing this weekend. You did spearfishing. Do you have always wanted to go spearfishing?

Can I tell you one of the biggest hurtles this sobroctober has got me past? Yeah. Is signing up for a lesson. I'm always so embarrassed to sign up for a lesson. I'm always so embarrassed to sign up for a lesson. Right. Because I don't want to get there in the guy goes like, I'm afraid they're going to go, you're an adult. I don't teach adults, man. Your life's over. Yeah. Why you want, you know, like, and I signed up for spearfishing lessons and surfing dudes. You know, it's a cool teacher. By the way, that's my inner dialogue. That's how you would be as a teacher. I would be like, you're an adult.

You wouldn't want to serve. I teach children not to serve. Wait. Okay. I want to talk about spearfishing. Okay. Because that was my highest train day and I had such a fucking fun time doing it.

We went surfing on Friday morning in Jacksonville. Great guy name Steve took us surfing and I had so much fun. My biggest problem in life is being embarrassed. And I know that it's like, I don't seem like somebody does it and get embarrassed, but I do get embarrassed in certain situations when I put myself out there.

That's why I've only had sex with six chicks, it's because I'm always afraid to have the first kiss. I probably have kissed six chicks and had sex with six chicks. I mean, I'm just, I'm really bad at like showing you who I really am, you know? And so we did surfing lessons and it was me, Dave, me, Dave Williams, and Shane Torres. And we had so much fun in the water for like an hour and a half.

That it was like, and we. This is your first time surfing by the way. I had surfed a little bit growing up, but never well. Never like, never getting up, never, I mean, I got to learn from this. I learned how to surf. I got up, I got up, I got up, like probably six times. I got up on two big waves once, one big wave

and another big wave. No, this is me knowing knowing you have you already ordered some top tier surfing equipment You're like Kelly Slater's coming by my house later. I texted mostly Mosha Casher within 15 minutes of getting out of the water Going when are we going surfing does he surf? Mosha does with I think, Kirk Bronholer and Michael Costa maybe, or maybe not Michael Costa. And what are you guys going? Uh-huh.

What are you going? Oh, that's all right. Dude, I am, by the way, my surf equipment, hails in comparison to the spear fishing gear I've ordered. Who spearfaces me? Who's spearfaces me? Firebird Fins. I got a new dive, I got a free dive man which is a little lower compressive. Just go get a jet this week. I loved

spearfishing more than I've ever loved anything in my life. Wait where'd you do it for Myers? For Myers 22 miles, no, 22 miles off the coast of Madira. So we go to who took you this guy Good time good time Charlie's Charters. Oh, I thought you were gonna be like Valentine Thomas. No button. They worked with Valentines Thomas She actually hit me up was like Valentine's she was like, yo, I'm ready to take you out whenever you want I am It was all the things that'll be the end of your marriage. All right keep going I am, it was all the things I'm gonna make. That'll be the end of your marriage. All right, keep going. Yeah.

No idea. No idea. Fucking letter find out on my Insta stories. Insta- She- Wait, he's cheating. He's got 80,000 views and he's cheating. The, fucking.

So we go out, we take it 22 miles out, we go out to this in the middle of the ocean, nowhere. It's rough seas, shame gets seasick. Are we taking our bus drive around out? Who's in Jordan's like Jordan shorts that go to his calf, right? Tank top. He's got a wife, beater on a towel over his shoulder.

We, they tell him there's sharks in the water and Ron immediately equivilates that to for us, goes, that's like I told you, black people are in Compton. You think you're gonna walk around Compton? I'm not getting the water, fuck that, fuck that. I know what they do in Compton, and it's the shark's foot, but they can't go in Compton.

It's equivilates a word. I don't know. And so you look it up. And so we get out to the me, Dave, and. Oh. Oh. Me, Dave. Okay. And me, Dave, and Charlie get in the water.

Charlie pretty much guides us, and John Mann, my cameraman. And he guides us, he kind of like finds us one. And he's like, you know, let's loosen up and get, we're going in the water for like 15 minutes, he goes, let's see if we can shoot some barracuda. So there's barracuda everywhere, there's sharks everywhere. There's literally sharks tracking us all over the place. Like 22 miles off board? Yeah, bull sharks.

Bull sharks within feet. Did you see my video? Is Ron in the video? Did you see my video? Pull up my Instagram. Tell me this is it. There it is. What is that? Look, you think, did he would have, oh, that was paused in the middle of it. I imagine. That's probably

a video. Let's see. Alright, pull it up. Which one? Oh, that first one. Yeah, look at that. Look at this. Don't play the music because I think we're probably going to pull down. Yeah, mute this. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Let's go spearfishing. Look at the sharks. Wow. Right, right. Geez, man. Yeah, the sharks. Wow. Right, right? Geez man. Yeah, but then take this. You take your spear, you put it in your stomach and then you pull the bands back. I had two bands on this one.

So it was a super powerful gun. Dive down to about 30 feet. That's a lie. But let's just say, you don't have to feet with 10 feet between friends. And then find my, find my barracuda, get level with it so I'm not shooting down, two hands on the spear, bam, kill it,

look at the fucking joy in this child's face. I was so excited. You don't wanna shoot down? You don't wanna shoot down, you wanna shoot level with the fish. You wanna be level with the fish, I'm waiting straight up. Yeah, straight at it.

Not up either. No, you don't wanna shoot up. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha the scariest, the scariest minute and a half of my life was this swim to the boat. Why is that? Because there's blood in the water and there are bull sharks literally coming up to you like coming up and then taking off away from you. So is the reason that, I mean, do they tell you like don't worry about it or what? Yeah, they're pretty, you know, don't worry about it? Or what?

Yeah, they're pretty, you know, it's crazy how comfortable we were around the sharks and they were around us the whole time. Like they were, I would probably say, I mean, just be fair, probably like five sharks that just kind of like, tracked us the whole time and just kind of kept up with us. And but, I mean, Dave shot a fucking,

an Amberjack, like a good 100 yards away from the the hundred yards away from the boat and had to swim it back They stab it to kill it bleed it out and then Dave's swimming with an amberjack and he's like, are you fucking kidding me? He literally took the amberjack and threw in the boat and then swam away to go away from the blood It is scary dude like yeah, but it was so much fun. This is off the coast of Fort Myers, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, like don't let you miles like a good 45 minute boat ride So it was dude. It was so much fun. So I'm gonna go with me. Did you guys eat this? You don't eat them fish tacos right when we got back to the really so the guys they they shit cut them up Put them in fish tacos dude. It was so I'm I immediately was like hitting up everyone going

I'm ready to go again. I want to go. I want to do a driftive. What do we do it here? Done me you Joe. I'll do it. You in yeah, yeah, I'm set it up. I'll set it up. I'll set it up. Oh, that'll be so much fucking fun Nice how long have we been doing this podcast? That's a lot of reads for us. I know and thank you everyone for listening to our reads and enjoying them reads for us. I know. And thank you everyone for listening to our reads and enjoying them. There are I it's how we pay the bills around here. It's totally how we keep doing the show. So if you like the show, thank you for checking out these sponsors. Yeah, help please support our sponsors. They support the show. So we have a staff, we have people here equipment and guys making noise next door. Some people have to go to fly around private jets and those aren't, they don't give those away.

Yeah, man, do you think you can just buy a fucking surfboard for nothing? So... And a carbon fiber spear gun, there's like, co-worker fucking $2,000. Nice. Yeah, it's high end. It's a little more, a little more spear gun than I need,

but, you know. Sort of sounds like jet fuel. Now... I need, but you know, it sort of sounds like jet fuel. Now, you see Sebastian's house? Hey. Oh shit. Oh shit. We did an episode of Zumbin's Burning with Sebastian. We do a burger cookoff, it's online right now.

And it is so fucking funny how different Sebastian and I are as men. Really? Like at one point, it's me Sebastian and Roy Choi. Yeah. We got him to be this, I bet you guys. And he goes, he goes, Sebastian, do you want to drink? It's because I'm drinking his, Sebastian goes,

no, it's the afternoon. He's, and I talked about his new house. I go, Sebastian, you're buying a new house. And he, it's very clear that that's not something he wanted to share. Yeah, yeah. He's like, of course you did. Oh.

I love it. Oh, I, I, I do love it. You wear and choose right now. All right, so I'm making for Burke. He did, he had a parrot growing up. A parrot? Yeah. He did?

Uh-huh, he had a parrot named, all what was the name of his parrot, Andrew? It a parrot, and I so but badly want someone to animate Sebastian, do an animation with Sebastian's act He had a parent named past wall a past wall. Yeah, can you imagine what that parrot would repeat in his house? What's wrong with these people? Why don't you get a haircut Sebastian? Hey, the neighbors got a dog oh My god the TV that's a that's that is, can someone, one of our fans, can someone animate a trailer for a morning

sitcom on Saturday mornings called Sebastian and Pesqual? Uh-huh. And then, and the parrot says like Sebastian isms? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so, so basically the theory is Sebastian Stolazak from the parent You gonna wear that today. Hey, what kind of socks? or oh I'm bad at doing accents

Obey grade of only parrot only Sebastian could understand the parrot I love I love of only parrot only Sebastian could understand the parrot. I love it. I love it. You ever see the parrot speak Italian? Well, Jordan, no, he said that. But I love it. Mom, I'm here. Come on, they said, pangalones.

You know, mom, I'm just, all right. So my dog. I've seen a picture. You've seen a picture. I think it says a high school picture with his mallet. It's so funny. And then sickler this week on the bus, bus out of photo, and I'm like, what is this?

He's like, yeah, that was like junior year at high school. Not only did he have a mallet, the length, like the back went to his mid back. Spassion? Sickler. Sickler? Sickler. All gone here, long here, and then mid bag. He's like and I would comment

I would even comment on my back. I was like, oh my god. Who are these? I could never I was never allowed to have that I remember I remember we got an earring one time my dad's like dude it was not comfortable that he You put an earring in and he made me wear a dress and eat my lunch on my knees He made you wear a dress Dude I totally believe Here's no way he liked an earring no no no no no I would have you taken out that day immediately first thing I did when I got to college ear pierce ear pierce Two in the sleigh. I'm a grown-up now. Yeah, and then I was like, well, I know what I got to college ear pierce ear pierce two in the slave. I'm a grownup now

Yeah, and then I was like, well, I know what I'm liberal. Let's do one here. Yeah, and he saw it Yeah, and I ear rings up and he's like I guess there's nothing to do about it now. I grew my hair out I was so fucking cool. How long did you keep it in I kept it in I mean all the way through college I think you had earrings the whole way through college. Oh, we through college. Yeah, can't even fucking picture I had earrings right after the weight loss contest because George and I got our ears pierced together in London. Really? You don't remember that?

No. I got two earrings and like George and we were in London, she was afraid to get her ears pierced. I go, you get your ears pierced, I get my ears pierced. She's like, you promise? And I was like, yeah. So she got her first cry, beautiful fucking moment, beautiful moment that I'm sure is on my Instagram,

beautiful moment in my parenting. Is where we go to this, like, you know, fucking someplace in the mall in London. And they, I don't want it, I don't want it, hers done. I don't want it, I don't want it, hers done. Kylie and Lou, their best friends get theirs done. Georgia is terrified, too, super nervous, gets hers done, gets them done, melts down, gives me a big hug and

is sobbing in my shoulder. And I was like, we did it. And then she pops up and she goes, you're next. And I go, well, hold on. You've already gotten yours done. So, like, you don't need me to get it. She goes, no, you promised. And I was like, yeah, but the whole thing was you wanted your fears by me promising and

lying. Then now you've already got it. You had the bravery to do it now I don't really she goes no that you promise so I get my ears pierced and so I got him pierced and I just left him in I really liked them both yeah, but I couldn't take my Did you studs what you do I did two diamonds I couldn't I couldn't get my shirt off On quickly on stage oh cuz cuz you couldn't rip them off cuz they'd catch on my earring.

Holy shit. That's a real pro-most comic story. They're really, really, really big problems. I see a performer's nightmare. I was like, I was like, oh, I don't wanna lose my earrings. And then I'm in poo, I'm like, I go into meetings and maybe like,

you're, why do you have your ear spears? It was like, oh, weird. Unique to having girls because, because I probably won't, I could have that scenario with Alice, if he's like, let's get Prince Albert, you know what I mean? I was just gonna say, gathering. Yeah, let's do it, buddy. Here, take yours out.

What's your other son's name? Julian? God, I was forget that. Yeah, that was David. No, that was Rick. He's a, God, how old is he now? 15 months, yeah. Is he as far as Alice? He's so adorable. Are finding you like one better? No, they're so different though

like you know your girls are like so different. Yeah, they're different. Yeah, one's better and one's not as good. Yeah Julie and his super sweet like a sweetheart and then Alice is like why don't you go fuck yourself? That's that's Ila. Ila could give two shits about you unless she wants something. Yeah, yeah. And Georgia's just such, so takes care of you. Yeah. This morning she's not feeling good, she just came and gave me a hug.

And I was like, oh, yeah, it's great. Give a big hug and then I didn't even see Ila. I have open Alice's door after he's woken up from a nap, like, hey, buddy, he goes, get out! All right. Now who is that more, is that hey buddy, he goes, get out! All right. Now who is that more, is that you or push? That's funny. I don't know.

I definitely, you know, it's funny because you see yourself in all aspects of them. So like, I know I have a anti-social, you know, asshole side to me. But I also feel like I have a tender sweet. So like whenever you see either side, you try to go like, oh, that's me, that's me. Yeah. But I mean, physically he looks just like his mom. Ellis does. Real? Oh, God. And then Julian looks just like me. Yeah. He's a like a tough, ain't

like a good life. Wait, is he, is he, is he a attractive Tom's girl or is he? No, no, he's me as a kid. Cute. Yeah, he's not, he doesn't look 40. He looks adorable. He's got big blue eyes and he's fun to smile. Yeah, he's smiling all day. He's adorable. Yeah, and then Ellis is like, you're fucking problem. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's great. I don't want to. I don't want to play with you. I want to play alone. You're like, that's nice. So I don't want to play with you. I want to play alone. You're like, that's nice. So I don't want to play with you. Yeah.

Yeah. I was telling Sebastian and the something's burning. We were talking about having kids and being a fun dad and I go, yeah, we played mustard hands sometimes. And he's like, huh? What kind of game is that? I go, yeah, Sebastian. Imagine me explaining this to Sebastian. I go, when we go out to eat, sometimes we take mustard

and we put it under the table. And we either squirt it in our hands or we don't and we pass around the table and then we got a guest Who's got mustard in their hands and he's just like what kind of game is that? I go well, this is my wife off so it makes us laugh Yeah, yeah, and then if she ever puts mustard in her hands We lose our minds because she put mustard in her hands. Yeah, you can just go on. How much different kind of dad? Oh And you can just go on, how much different kind of dad? Yeah. Oh, I'm a fucking grease ball. How do we get him? How do we get invited to Sebastian's house for a party is my question.

Oh, I don't know. Buddy up with Seinfeld. Oh, okay. Scenario, meet you, Sebastian Seinfeld at dinner at Sebastian's house Who does sub who does Seinfeld hate more me or you? um I think me

Really yeah, well it depends on his mood. I see him being maybe like really amused He's either amused by your hatred guts. I think he would I think he would look at me like the way that That the settlers looked at the natives. That's not good. They'd be like, hmm, look what they do with their corn. Yeah. Like that's interesting. Oh yeah. He's either finding you really funny or he's like this guy's a fucking ass.

I think Seinfeld would hate my guts. You do? Oh, 100%. I think I don't think Seinfeld could get past the fact that I take my shirt off on stage. I have a way in with Seinfeld. True? Just poor show.

That's it. Oh yeah, I am not. So here's the thing. As soon as I do that, he's like, well, I'll talk to you like a person. Yeah, I mean, like a, like, if I was like comedy, I don't know, I mean, he loves talking jokes, right? I can talk comedy with the guy all day,

but I think what me and him do comedically are night and day. No. Yeah, yeah. Of course. He would be I could see him being like so you're like ball with the Russian mafia. Yeah, this shirt this always comes off. Why does this shirt? The shirt comes off does it? Bert, you know, you don't have to does it shirt come off? So the shirt comes off, does it?

Bert, you know you don't have to take it off, right? No, we gotta do his accent. Hey, why do you take your shirt off? That's, okay, this is my impression, this is my, okay, ready? Close your eyes, you're gonna feel like you're there. Okay, this is me at dinner with Sebastian, Jerry Seinfeld, Tom Segura, okay? I'm gonna start with me.

Okay, I'm gonna go, hey, I'm not even doing me well. Yeah, I was gonna say. Hey, what do you guys want to drink? I'm making cocktails. What are you gonna have? Sebastian? What do you want? Sebastian? I think I'm gonna have a glass of vino, huh? Jerry, what was you like? I think I'll just have a cranberry juice and boot. Tom, what do you think you'll have? Uh, uh, whatever I drink in my pores, Jerry. What do you think about pores? I didn't know you had a pores, Tom. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but pores.

Jerry. It's really good impression. Yeah, throw it in. Throw me a comic. I'll put them in okay, Hannibal I can do Hannibal give me a second okay Hey, man, that's really bad hold on give me a second. I'm finding the character. I'm finding the character I'm fine in the character. All right. Oh, okay. Oh, no Okay, I'm losing it. I'm losing it, but there's okay you do Hannibal you do Hannibal No, man there there, okay, yeah, that's a wow no B

He doesn't say B You're thinking of Donnell Okay, I can do Donnell really quickly, okay, all rightnell. Oh, is that... Okay, I can do Donnell really quickly. Okay. All right, son! Oh, hey, oh, hey, oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! That sounds like Hitler. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, How about Joe? Can you do Joe? Interesting. Yeah, I don't know about that. I wouldn't listen to that guy from Instagram.

That's pretty good. Okay, Ari. Are you on Mully? Ari is very easy because you can just go, I don't know. Nope, nope, nope. Then you got a mumble. You got a mumble. It's very easy because you can just go, what, I don't know, yep, nope, nope, nope. Nope. And then you got a mumble. And you got a mumble.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. His hands are always like this. Mm-hmm. Yeah. If he gets animated about something, who's in the circle of friends? Can you do? Obviously, Joey Diaz is a super easy.

That's one you can, and if you become friends with him, you can do. Joey Diaz, you can get quick. Ian Bagg, you can get quick. Hi if you become a friend with him, you can do. Do ideas that you can get quick, you can get quick. Huh. All right, here, huh. Yeah. Hey, fingers are the fair hand.

Hey, baby. And then. I've got a deal with that piece of chicken. Can you do, Colin? Yeah, see, I'm a spray. I'm not good at impressions for real. I'm not good at impressions for real. I wanted to be able to do Bobby. That sounded like walking to me.

Yeah. Oh, this is the Leo ready? Really? Yeah. Listen, kudos. You're not interesting. You're not interesting. Get the demon, Ana. That's Delia. That's okay.

You try to do, you try to do, Delia. I can't do it with you. I watch a lot of his videos. Yeah. That's all I got. You are a master impressionist. Yeah, I know. Every time I started an impression, it's like...

Bobby Lee? Bobby Lee? Try not to squint. If you play back that video of what, if you can find that, as you said try not to squint, I literally went like, I, in the split second, you said,

try not to squint, I started doing that. I can't do Bobby Lee. Can you do a job? No, I can't do a job. Can you do, who can you do? That's it. I can do a great, obviously a great Sebastian and Jerry Seinfeld.

That's it. Those you nailed. Yeah. And Aaron, can you do Marin? Hey guys, what's this thing Instagram? I guess I'll say that I'm in the Joker this weekend, that is what that is. I don't care, I knew what WTF with Danny DeVito.

I guess I'm not gonna have a lazing this week. I'll be at the store. Can you do Theo? Yeah. Ah, but I'll be running down the street. I'm trying to do Theo. Trying to fucking... Come on, give it a shot.

Okay, Theo. Yo, what was that? Oh, oh, my God, this, I got this. I got this. Hold on for a second. Gang, gang, son. I knew a dude growing up as a... He wore a battles up as a he wore a

Battleship is a hat How he live right down the street with a guy with two napsacks one filled with babies and another film with squirrels You're nailing all of them I'm not getting the voicebone getting the personalities I'm just getting their personalities down like that Marin was fucking actually I want to say the Marin I did it doesn't sound like him. I think he just did that post Chappelle No, oh yeah, I can okay hold on I can do young bell verse. Oh, okay, okay Hold on I can do young bell verse old bitch about okay, okay And then old spell

His voice has gotten so much deeper yeah, his and by the way that that was what I was trying to do is show that his voice Has gotten deeper it was it was no one nobody would not know who you were doing was trying to do a show that his voice has gotten deeper. It was, it was, nobody would not know who you were doing. Mm-hmm. Yeah. No problem with this thing. I want to see his whoop statistics because Chappelle smokes like a pack of day drink and he stays up till like 7 a.m. almost every night.

Who live forever? I know, but I'm just saying, wouldn't you love to see his stats? Yeah, I would. Hey, Dave, you slept 2.3 hours. I would love if Luke gave every comedian one of these. Yeah. And sponsor everyone, because I would love to go to the... I hold up a second, man.

So... And I kicked her in the pussy! That's one of my favorite... I know we're no boop. Alright, so... That's not... That's Chris Rock. Yeah, that's Chris rock.

Ha! Hey! Ha! I don't wear no fucking boop. All right, Chris rock, I always wondered what his hate holds his hands in it. It's interesting that things, he does wear things with his hands.

He talks with his hands, but it's fascinating, like the little eccentricities a comical have, where you go, where as a comic you get interested by it, and you can see how that influences people. Like one of the things Shepel's done his whole career is right on stage,

and when you right on stage, you end up making yourself laugh. So when Shepel breaks himself up, I see comics emulating that, and wanting to do that. And with Chris Rock's mannerisms of like, I mean, Seinfeld's the most copied guy. There's so many guys.

I have a video, I have to look for it. I have a video of me doing standup in 2000, let's say three or four at the Melrose improv, where it is just like watching a bad Chris Rock impression. You? Right, paste the stage and I say punch lines like this with my, I'm just doing. For real.

But I'm not obviously consciously doing, but when you watch it now, you're like, oh, that's just a terrible Chris Rock impression. Can I tell you the two most emulated human beings, two comics that everyone emulates that I run into on the road, Theo and Chris Delia. And they're not doing their acts. People have, I've seen kids pull from their personalities,

the way that say, we pulled from the way we appreciated it, Adele, dude, so many people look at D'Alia and Theo as like, I think there's a lot of young kids that go in, like freshman and college, don't know who they are But they know that Delia and Theo are both cool as fuck. They're very funny And I've seen so many fucking Theo haircuts on the road that I'm like he literally has taken Is his and like and that is pacing the way he talks. Yeah, and Delia, dude I hung out with the guy this weekend that was doing Delia to me.

And I was like, I was like, you, that's not, by the way, just so you know, that's not Chris Delia when you hang out with them. Like what you're doing is what you think his act is. Right. And what you see on his podcast, that's not who the fuck he is at all. He's doing it off stage.

He's doing it off stage. To get. But that's, but that's, but I'm not doing Delia well. I hope I didn't offend anybody. I'm not doing anyone well, but Delia like the, secure, like that kind of stuff like the cool does. It's crazy, it's crazy.

You guys doing this hanging out? Yeah, and I was like, bro, Chris Delia is a very normal human being hanging out. But we've talked about Chris Delia a lot this podcast. You sure have. Yeah, almost like you think about him all the time. So, look, we to wrap this up, but I want to tell you I'm going to Europe. And let's see, the shows with some tickets left.

There's tickets left in Paris. There's a few tickets left for London. They released some tickets for the London show. That's on October 31st. And Dublin early show has has 50 tickets left after that Are you performing in Dublin and Dublin? I am doing the Olympia doing two shows at the Olympia on November 3rd Then I go to Kingston, New York the beacon theater the early show is sold out the late show has tickets November 7th The late show in Ben Salem at the Park's Casino has tickets left on November 8th, Syracuse has a few tickets left, Charlotte as well, and Lake Charles, and then the tour rolls on. After Austin where I shoot, we do Melbourne in Miami, and the main thing I wanted to tell you is that Australia, which I'm going to- Have you canceled that yet? No.

But everything is sold out except for Melbourne and New Zealand. All the other shows are sold out. We're not adding shows. I'm just keeping it the way it is. It's tough when you add shows that you have to cancel. And then I do that Las Vegas. Those things have been announced for 2020. Those are all at TomSugoraer.com slash tour and BERT.

Where are you going to be? This weekend I am in Syracuse Buffalo and Pittsburgh. We've added shows in Buffalo and in Pittsburgh. Then the next week Virginia Beach we've added a show, Baltimore we've added a show and Montclair New Jersey we've added a show along with Huntington, New York we've added a show. We've also added shows in Cincinnati, Columbus, Chicago, Cleveland, Fresno, Reno, Las Vegas, Salt Lake City.

That's the Body Shots World Tour. Chip, Chip, Chip, hang up, Chip, hang up. No, Chip, hang up. Patenga. I'm at Patenga on the 28th or the 29th, and I'm in Atlantic City on the 28th or 12th. A lot of added shows, man. A lot of added shows, yeah, yeah.

Those are the ones that need help. So, I think it's for those. Go get Go See Bert Live. Come see me, listen to your mom's house, watch those videos I told you on my Tom Segura YouTube page. We're gonna go sweat right now, right? We're gonna go sweat, we got you to do.

We're gonna go sweat. Thank you guys for watching, for listening. Thanks for getting the two bears merch. We appreciate it all, and we'll see you next week. Yep. Two bears one cave No scripts to be the booze amateur for topology Dirty jokes, ronti humor, no apologies Here's what we call two bears one cave