2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 100 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: September 27, 2021

SPONSORS: - Go to https://3Chi.com and use code BEARS at checkout to receive 5% off your order - Get 25% off when you go to https://LiquidIV.com and use code BEARS at checkout - Go to https://WHOOP.com and use code “Bears” at checkout to save yourself 15% off today. - Get your first visit absolutely free at https://forhims.com/bears. - Go to https://ShipStation.com and use the code CAVE to get a 60 day free trial - Go to https://HelloFresh.com/CAVE14 and use code CAVE14 for up to 14 free meals plus free shipping! - Get 15% off your order at https://BuyRaycon.com/bears Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer are back together again for episode 100 of 2 Bears, 1 Cave! They talk about the "NYC Still Rising After 20 Years" comedy benefit that Tom performed at with Bill Burr, Amy Schumer, Jon Stewart, Dave Chappelle, Pete Davidson, and many more. Tom reveals that he got very drunk and embarrassed himself in front of Serena Williams and Alexis Ohanian, and shares the interaction he had with one of his comedy idols, Chris Rock. They discuss doing Sober October again, another live show, and Bert reveals the nightmare he had getting through the Denver airport with his family.

He's a co-founder of Reddit. Right? How do you make money off of founding Reddit? I don't know. Starks. You know, stonks. What is it called? Is it stonks?

I don't know. What is tick play or a game stop? What does that what he does? What do you know? Who knows? Yeah, the guys are nobody. Keep going. What are you talking about?

He's dating Serena Williams. Serena Williams is a fucking star. 100% American cheeseburger. Love with the... And a hundred percent. I'm a hundred percent. I'm a hundred percent. I'm a hundred percent. I'm a hundred percent. American cheeseburger. Hello. And a Parmesan sandwich. Chicken sandwich. Now we can start.

Alright. Just ordering the regular food for the day. I order two meals every time. Two meals every time. I think that's what gets me fat. Like if we're gonna, I should probably button this up a little bit. Don't button it up. QAnon, SoCal president, hurt Chrysler live from the video. I'm Tom Sogara joining you from Austin. We'll be together soon. I know people hate when we zoom and we hate it too. Real quick to point out. We'll go over your menu in a moment, but this is episode 100 I believe so

Congratulations, cheers Congratulations Tommy 100 episodes and thank you to all the men in the booth This this show is my favorite thing to do so it's super fun. We have a great staff Nadav any Zolo Chris Lindsay Nadav, Annie, Zolo, Chris, Lindsay, someone else. They're all great. And you guys are great. Thank you for supporting us. Watching the show. We know we get tons of messages. You guys come up to us at shows. And yeah, it's just been, it's been a wild ride. It's been really fun to be with this absolute maniac of a friend and doing our podcast. Now what's up? I'm back on cool. I'm back on cool.

I'm on champ or chicken cool. Parmesan sandwich. Yeah. I have a meeting. Oh, I got a hair in my mouth. OK. Do you know what that is? I comb my fucking beard with George's brush.

So I have George's hair all in my beard. What did you order to eat? American cheeseburger. You can't go wrong with an American cheeseburger and a chicken paramed sandwich So eating both of those for lunch. I'm gonna sample them I'm gonna cut them in half and then I'm gonna say does anyone else want some? Didn't you say you had 20 cheeseburgers last night? No, I didn't eat 20. I made 20. I couldn't Fucking a lot so so here's what happened

So we got a griddle at the new house and the backyard. The griddle is the greatest fucking thing I've ever done in my life. Yeah. I really took my time with it. I seasoned it and then I made Smash Bros. So I julienned onions, I julienned jalapenos, I got American cheese, I got brioche buns,

like the kind that you can crush really quickly. I took the, I got 80, 20 fat ratio of the burgers. I then, I seasoned them with, I wish I could have remembered the name of the fucking place because it's a place that sent me seasoning, so I wish I could thank them. By seasoning them, put a little, Wushu Sheeran there, put a little bit of egg to bind them and then I put them into now

This was too much. I made them into eight ounce patties, which apparently is a half a pound That's pretty big man. It's pretty big. So I Make the first one and Iless says Iless has quote unquote who the fuck did you make that for? Isis has quote unquote who the fuck did you make that for? Isis said I love the thing that she says you can start cursing when you're 16 and I was like you're only 15 And she's like yeah, but no one can really tell I was like who I gotta give her points on that argument. Yeah, so So I make the first one give it to Isis and Isis like these are really good. She goes can I give you a suggestion?

I said yes, she goes cut them in half So now they're quarter pound burgers Now who doesn't eat quarter pound burgers two at a time These are really good. She goes, can I give you a suggestion? I said, yes, she goes cut them in half. So now they're quarter pound burgers. Now who doesn't eat quarter pound burgers two at a time? Right. So. You think you ate. Oh, I don't know.

The wheels came off. You look like you had a wheels off night. Like you look like. I feel like it. I feel like it. You know what it is? I'm still recovering. Red wine from Demetrius States. They sent me a box of red wine. We drank all of it.

I got absolutely shit. Yes, you, you, but no video. This is what you need to do when you get fucking hammered. Post videos are you talking to reckless? That's what I want to see. Here's the thing. I talk real reckless. Okay. So then let's relive the conversation. You had with John Stewart. Man, it was all kids here off with you. Like, I'm a liberal. I'm a liberal too. I believe in firefighters. I was like, man, why does everybody got a move into my neighborhood? No, he was, he was, he was, he was the best. He's like, he's like your dream version of what it's like to meet John Stewart. It's even better when you meet John Stewart.

Really? He's that great of a guy. So, Ari and I talked about it last week a little bit. Could we talk about the lineup? I'm curious what the lineup was for that show. I'm talking about Tom did a 9-11 show with Dave Chappelle, Dave Atel, Colin Quinn, Amy Schumer, Michael C. Colin-Jose, Bill Burr, John Stewart, Chris Rock. tell David tell Colin Quinn Amy Schumer Michael Jay

Colin Joe's bill burr John Stuart Chris rock it was a fucking who's what did everyone do 10? It varied some people did like a few minutes some people did 10 to 15. The only people that were like marked to do 20 were a burr, Malini and Chappelle. That's it. Wow. So those are the three biggest comics we have working in the business right now. Basically, those are the three heads of state.

And I can't disagree with that. You can't really disagree with this. So I was booked to do 10. I did 12. Oh, wow. Ball or move time. The big push, big push. Wait, did they put down Chappelle? You're supposed to do 20 just so you know, and he was like, no, no, I got it. Sort of. They were like, we got it because that's like not just the most famous arena and the world are certainly here in the United States.

Crazy union shit. So they're like, we have to get the show wrapped up. So, so, so, give me some hot. I know she spelled it. He probably went right to the buzzer. Well, he passed the buzzer. Yeah. But I mean, like the, the best was, um, you know, Bill at one point was, I don't want, because you can't give away people's material. But he was upsetting. So a group of people in the audience and like hearing that was really fun. Like somebody screaming, like, at him and him, like being like, you know, just obviously keeping going. A tell pulled out a recorder, you know, like a little, and it started to play it during his set, which was so fucking funny.

Yeah. And he was just like another dream to hang out with, just off stage, just non-stop cracking jokes, you know, and like his set was absolutely hilarious. Yeah, it was just fun, man. I mean, everybody was like there for this great, you know, it was a great fundraiser thing. Pete Davidson put it together.

Oh, for real. He invited everybody. Yeah, and like, you know, it's Pete's obviously super affected by 9-11. Oh, did he have other? Did he, was he, and why? He was, he was there. He was on the plane.

His dad was on the plane his dad was on the line No, that's a firefighter. Oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah move to I'm gonna call him what fuck dude. I could have totally made that flight Fucking call it was Pete Davidson now what a shit move that was for Pete God damn it. I thought he was a friend. I thought he was a fucking friend. I mean really honestly I'll send him a message later about that. Yeah, no, he'll see this. Everyone just hit up Pete David said and say you broke Birds heart. Just you broke his heart. By the way, if you got fucked up, can you imagine how fucked up? I would have been at that event. Well, here's here's the truth. So I went, I finished. Oh my god. I made a fool of myself to serenal Williams. I'll tell you that story. And I told Okay, hold on. Are you writing these down? I'll tell you that story in a second. Hold.

Okay, hold on. Are you writing these down? Number one, okay, write these down. These are things I need to hear. I need to hear the Bill Burjoke that piss people off, off air, off camera. Off air. Okay, I wanna hear the lineup.

Write these down. I wanna go, this is one of the biggest events I've ever seen in comedy. So many celebrities. Did you get paid? No, everything goes to charity, everything. The whole thing goes to charity. Thanks for not hitting me up then beat five I work for a living the uh...

the so so so who opened the show and write down three new Williams write down serena Williams write down I want to know the lineup who opened the show because we thought collin joston michael chation host no p davison hosted

p davison john steward hosted in john steward yeah jesus christ the opening of the show was j ferro and um... carly uh... or spucker by the state her last name i can't say it you fucking look't say it. I can't. You fucking look it up. I feel like an idiot right now. Okay. And then and then and then and then I say your last thing. I have no idea who you're talking about. Carly Aqualino. Thank you. Aqualino. So I think they open. I wasn't there for the the opening I got there later so why when I got

up when I arrived thing really what time to start seven Yeah, I got there like around eight. Oh, yeah, okay, so your green room you're like like like people my level we arrive like when we are you know, I mean we get there so when I got there, so what you're saying is you are much bigger comic than Jay Farrow. Okay, I got it so Yes, is that what you were saying and you and much bigger comic than Jay Farrow. Okay, I got it. So, is that what you were saying? And you and David, you're... I was saying that I would have gotten there after you, Bert.

So when I arrived... Ah! I would have been there fucking with bells on, drinking the second I got there. You would have been... You would have been... Fucking up the green room, getting an IV. You would have been... Everybody would have been known.

Who was that guy that's fucking... A Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom. I don't know if you know that. No one asked who's that guy? That's fucking, Hey Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom. I don't know if you know that. No one asks, who's that guy anymore? They go, oh, the machine. Oh, I didn't know. So, so, so, so you get there a little later, your, your green room was Colin Quinn and David Tell.

Yes. Fucking the best, let me tell you, out of all the green rooms, that's the green room I would have wanted to be in. Of course, of course. I get there I get there leaky submarines on stage. I check her out for a few minutes then I I hop back in I'm run into people like it all I'm gonna pass out and then Then I do I'm gonna pass out

I'm gonna pass out. I'm gonna pass out. I'm gonna pass out. I'm gonna pass out. Oh my god, fuck that was god damn it. Keep going. But then, um, here's it. Okay, I'll give you this, this is, this is surreal. Okay.

And I never say this shit, but this is surreal. I do my set. I fucking murder. Okay. Yeah. I fucking murder. Okay. Yeah. I fucking destroyed. And as I get off stage, John Stewart was like, that was so fucking funny. I was like, oh, thanks man.

And I walk off, this is like a surreal thing. I walk off, I turn the hall, and as I go to this court, I move a curtain up to go down the hall, I hear Tom Sagerra and it's Chris Rock. And I'm like, what? He's like, that's a funny shit. So it's telling me how it's, I feel like I'll embarrass myself

saying it. So Chris Rock is literally glowing over your set. Just in general saying nice things. And I'm like, I'm like, yeah, I don't know how to handle myself. I'm like, I'm like, yeah, I don't know how to handle myself. I'm like, yeah. So yeah, you're the reason I did stand up. Fucking bring the pains of the greatest special that's ever been done. You're fucking, you're the reason I know what stand up is. You're that reason. Totally. And then she'll tell same shit. You know, she'll be, I know, I know I know him a little more. Yeah, I'm hung out with him a little so

Then I am walking into the the V like the green room lounge Because I'm now I'm like decompressing you know from the set I see Serena and Her husband, but they're like together like having a snack or a drink or something and And I'm like, all right, I just noticed that they're there. And I have another conversation over here. When the show is over, oh, we all go on for like a curtain call thing at the very end. So at the end of the night, everybody's on stage.

It's wild. It feels like, it actually, you're on stage with people from SNL. And you know how the end of SNL, everybody hugs and like, they've got music. It's like, that starts happening. So everybody's like, you know how the end of SNL everybody hugs and like they've got music. It's like that starts happening so everybody's like you know like just toasting each other. Who's standing next to who's standing next to? I'm standing next to Colin, Joe and Jay Farrow. So I'm saying next to SNL guys.

Yeah great great show this week guys. So we you know they say good night and everybody kind of makes their way offstage. And then we start, we go towards the, there's two after parties. There's that after party at the garden. Okay. And there's another after party that should pause throw it. Okay. So I go, stop at the garden one, because we're,

for a fucking second. Yeah. And then we'll go over to the should. Oh, see if they have any fucking guac, and then bang it out. So we go to the first one, and on my way there, I'm walking behind Serena and her husband,

and I fucking, oh, I didn't tell you this part. I'm in the tunnel of the garden after my set, and Pete hands me a joint in the garden. I start smoking a joint. And it's Pete's, I don't know what it's fucking laced with, and I'm like,

I'm fucking, I'm so, so, and I've been drinking, don't know what it's fucking laced with and I'm like And I've been drinking so I'm super what have you been drinking? What were you drinking? gin and tonics all fuck Okay, so I'm lit dude and I go and I and I I'm debating whether to do it, but this is I'm fucked up enough to make a bad choice. So I go, excuse me. And Serena and her husband turn around. I was like, can I please tell you this story about the time we flew together? And she's like, really? And I'm like, yep. And I go in detail,

fucked up about how we flew together one time Coast to coast so we flew together on a five-hour flight. Yeah Her husband was really nice and like white entertain. I was that white Yeah, he's the guy he's in the he's the co-founder of Reddit, right? So I don't even fuck you. I don't even get on Reddit. I don't know I don't even know how to use Reddit I don't really man. Yeah, how do you make money off fucking founding Reddit? I don't I don't know Star no you don't fucking stonks. What is it called is it stonks? I don't know what fucking

He's tick play or fucking game stop. What is that what he does? Who knows? Fucking, yeah, the guys are fucking nobody. Keep going. What are you talking about? He's dating Serena Williams. Serena Williams is a fucking star. Hold my bag. I'm talking to Tom Segura. Keep going. Tell me about the plane flight.

Okay. So anyways, I lay out in detail. And then I realized two things. I realized twice. I realized that when I flew with her, it was like 20, let's say, either late 2014 or 2015, and I was telling her I was like, I'm a comedian, right? Like, on this over the course of the flight, she's like, oh, can I see you anywhere? And I was like, yeah, I have a special on Netflix. It's called completely normal.

And she like writes it down. I realized after I got off that plane, like well after I talked to her, that in that special, I talk about wanting to have a three-some with Serena and Venus Williams. And I didn't realize it. And I, and the fantasy was like, one sitting on my face and then and oh my god. Oh my god. I have a bracket up my ass. So I never realized that until then, I was like, oh my god. And then when I'm telling them the story, I tell them that part. And they were like, okay.

And I'm like, yeah, and then I didn't realize that I fucking talk about you and sit on my face. And. And Captain Reddit, the fucking computer warrior over there is going, this is an appropriate, this is an appropriate. He was, he was, he was actually, is he a good looking dude? Yeah, he's, yeah, he looks like a, Pull up a picture, I want to see a picture of this guy.

He, uh, he actually, here's the thing, I realized, I'm fucked up, you know what I mean? Halfway through the story when you're telling her about a fucking plane flight you were on with her. By the way, and then I go gorgeous. Yeah, of course it's arena Williams. She is, yeah. Alex, that's his name.

Alexis. Alexis, sorry. Alexis. Alexis, oh, honey, oh, honey,Hommon, O'Hommon, and Alexis O'Honey on. O'Honey on! What an interesting last name. Alexis O'Honey on. How do you-

Whatever, keep going on, Chrysler. Anyway, I then, you know how to wrap up my story? Chrisler. Anyway, I then you know how I wrap up my story. Uh, uh, please say by, by spitting on her shoes, yelling the N-word and running down the hallway. I go, I'm sorry if I'm humiliating myself. And they were there, it's just me, it's stood there. Yeah. And they were like, no, you're fine. You're fine. Oh.

And I could feel the embarrassment coursing through my body. Oh my. And I go, I've been drinking a lot. And then they're like, we actually want a drink right now. And you're like, oh, I know where you can get one. And they're like we actually want a drink right now. And you're like oh I know where you can get one and they're like we do too we do too. So then you go to the the drippy fucking Madison Square Garden party and you hang there for I go there I go there I hang out there a little bit and then

yeah run into people say, hey, can someone get a picture with me standing next to John Stewart? Can someone get a picture of me standing next to Chris Rock? Can someone get a picture of me talking to John Stewart? Well, that just happens. Who's the picture? Candyman, that's a ship hell's photographer. Oh, the only photographer allowed it the thing.

Really? So he just travels with a photographer? Yeah, what does he do with these fucking pictures? He didn't have a dead post on Instagram. You're right. Everybody else does. Yeah. What the fuck? So you got a photographer for? I mean, I don't know. Maybe he's making a book, a coffee book. Dude, and then then we go to we go to Chappelle's after party. Okay, where's that? Soho, and it's at this restaurant bar that's shut down,

obviously, and it's like, you know, music, drinks, food, like, it's packed with people, you know, I don't know. Lenny Kravitz fucking Donham Q-tip, like, all, you know, fucking super notable people. Don Ham has a hog on him. Have you ever seen this cock? I've seen the picture of him like walking and you can see like the outline of it. And then he cracks bitches open like hot watermelons. It looks like you fucking hog on him.

He has a, if, now you ready for my serena moment? If I ever run into him. He's a handsome man, too. He is gorgeous. Like when you need him, he's got a fucking grip. And you look at him and you're like, yeah, you could probably, you know, look at his dick. And by the way, he's embarrassed of it. Like he doesn't like people talking about it. Yeah, fucking weirdo

He is a good looking dude. He's a good he's a guy that if he leans into Kiss me, I probably don't pull back Yeah, you probably don't I probably just go fuck it up kissing John Ham. Yeah Okay, so so so you go to the after party, John Ham's there. Cutie. Yeah, the way I think you're underselling the celebrities that are there because this Dave Chappelle 9-11 fucking P Davidson dates only fucking the most famous people in the world. You know P Davidson's there. Fucking, I don't know who's dating, like Kate Beckinsale or something, is like, who else is there? Give me more names. Um, trying to think, guy, this one fucking, I forget this actor's name.

Like, you're recognizing people going like, I know that person, but I don't know who the fuck they are. And then you, they're, that's better than knowing who they are. Yeah, there's, there's some of that for sure. Everybody's in a great mood. It really is a fun, he fucking throws a good party, man. Dave Chappelle knows how to live fucking life. Let me, like, He throws parties like five nights a week.

By the way, I think, I really honestly think if there's one comic fucking living their life perfectly, it's Dave Chappelle. I mean, as a comedian, it's, it's, it's doing, he does what he's actually doing it right. Ever he wants, whenever he wants, and he does it right on tour. The bring in a fucking cameraman around

is a, is a brilliant idea. I mean, by the way, I'm now I'm looking at going, I don't know a fucking cameraman around. Like I post pictures and I'm on stop on Instagram. Like yeah, he doesn't post anything on Instagram I'm sure he has a videographer. I'm sure he's cutting these fucking sizzle reels of how awesome his life is Pandemic happens and he opens up his house as a summer camp and everyone fucking moves so high oh Dave Chappelle is living

His ultimate fucking life And by the way, I bet he has a good relationship with his fucking kids. I mean, he was just, yeah, you know, he, it's the MC of the event you want to be around. Like the host I'm saying, you know, like the guy, everything is like, he's like a magnet. People just gravitate towards the stuff he's doing. He's the one that made it cool for us not to be asking to get in movies and television. He is the comic that made it cool to just be a comic. He really is. That not only that, he also is the comic that goes,

oh, are you going for a joke here? Then go for it. Like, he supports fucking up a joke in the pursuit of getting a joke right, you know, oh, yeah Well, I mean yeah, yeah, but that's not a lot of comics to stay these days Yeah, no a lot of comics will turn on you if you miss miss speak And be like and be like no now no you're in trouble now. I'm I can get followers based on I can get more famous based on on tattletailing on you. That's what I think they're missing the mark on is that the only reason someone follows you or wants to go see you live is if they like you not because they saw you snitch and record someone saying a joke

that yeah he He actually as famous as he is He actually is a comic comic like he he loves Taking a swing at a joke. Yeah, is he funny? Is he funny to be around? Totally yeah really sitting in the green room with him is like, it's him. It's the vert. It's like a guy on stage, but it's like even more accessible. And he's going between like saying something really interesting and then just cracking crazy jokes.

How much and he's actually gracious to people throwing jokes out. You know, I mean, like just riffing with him. How, how close do you think? Let's do this. I'm gonna rank this, okay? So, Chappelle, let's say, Chappelle is a, trying to think in fruit terms. I'm trying to think of an analogy to make it easier

so we can do it as opposed to numbers. But like, say, Chappelle is on stage, who is off stage, correct? Yeah. So that's 10 to 10, right? So 10 is the number you get for who you are on stage. And then what number do you think you are off stage as close to who you are on stage? Like Daniel Tosh would be 10 on stage and a two off stage, meaning he is nothing like who he is on stage at all. Ten on stage and a two off stage, meaning he is nothing like who he is on stage at all. Right. Dane Cook, a ten on stage, a fucking three off stage. Meaning, I'm not lowering the number for their personality.

I'm saying that who you see on stage, if that is your ten, well then that other number is adjacent to like how far away from that person they are, right? Yeah, well, I'm pretty, I'm pretty, I mean, I think you're getting a, I'd say you're 10, seven. Yeah, I think that's pretty accurate. I'm nicer in real life than I am on stage. So that's a, that's, I think, a different thing. But I think you're getting like, you know,

a part of the personality. Yeah. And then you, what do you think you are? I think I'm a 10, 11. I think I'm a 10 11 I Think I actually tone down myself on stage a little bit Jesus Christ and there's parts I like I definitely don't share on like off stage. I'm a fucking lunatic Onstage I'm fucking sober. I've organized some material that I'd like to share with you. Over the years, you've really taken some twists and turns with performing sober.

Every time I talked to you, I was sober and then I'm like, what were you drinking? I had one drink. I got it. I didn't drink anything before I did Red Rocks. I was stone sober. Big shows like that, stone sober. But you didn't end it sober. I did not. I clip somebody was posting from the Audience as the show ended and you were like this is the greatest country in the world Yeah, what is he do? I was I was pretty fucking as soon as I started the machine. I murdered that Tito's in soda It's like when I was 22. That was one drink. That was one drink and no, no, no

I and then I had to pour me another one. And they're by the way, my one Tito's and Soda is a big, go-op-sized Tito's and Soda. Okay. Yeah, I watched that. I was like, oh, he's hammered. No, at the end of the show, I was definitely pretty fucking. And by the way, the machine story took 25 minutes.

So 25 minutes. Oh, I just, I go, yeah, because I thought to myself, I said to the audience, if I was ever to come to Red Rocks, I would wanna see a jam band, like widespread panic, go off on my favorite song. So I'm gonna jam band the fuck out of the story. And so I just started telling the machine and then I just go on tangents and fucking right,

I went on a fucking tangent about, I'm the lane, I mean, it was like fucking, it was, I just went on tangents and fucking right, I went on a fucking tangent about, I mean, it was like fucking, it was, I just went on tangents and it was like, I just had fun as fuck with the story. And I was like, that's cool. Yeah, so, yeah, I'm a lunatic off stage. I think, I think I'm very tame on stage. I wonder if people would rather see your perception,

I think your perception of yourself is a little off. What do you mean, you think I'm? You're not very tame on stage. Nobody has that about you. No one ever goes, well, that, oh yeah, I do it. I guess I do perform with my shirt off. Yeah, but it's not just that. I mean, it's the personality to match a shirtless guy on stage.

Yeah, what are you drinking there, bud? I'm back and I'm not ashamed to say I drink cool aid. No, I didn't know you left. I Do you want your fucking funny story? Were you shamed? Were you shamed by it for a while? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I had to hide my cool aid drinking Because everyone's like you're I'm a grown man drinking cool aid and everyone's everyone saw that fucking clip so everyone's like Hey big guy drink a cool aid and I'm like and I'm a grown man drinking coolade. Everyone's, everyone saw that fucking clip, so everyone's like, hey big guy, drinking coolade, and I'm like, and I was drinking coolade. I always had coolade on me.

And I was like, at a certain point, I was like, I don't wanna be that predictable. You ready for this? You ready for this? So we're looking at colleges with Georgia. And so I got, I fell off the wagon with coolade in Colorado. The problem is, if they put it in my green room,

I steal the packets and I just put them in my waters. I can't help it. I just can't help it. So they give me a bunch of packets and at Red Rocks, I fell off the wagon hard. And so we're at University of Boulder. And I am shitting a graph. My asshole's been super itchy lately.

And so I take a shit at University of Boulder and I wipe and I have like because of altitude and because of of My partying as hard as I was, I have these like red circles on my hand, like my blood vessels on my hand are bursting. And I'm like, oh, mother, I don't know if that's altitude. I'm like looking at them going and I have a legit panic attack.

I have a legit panic attack. I walk out, why does it sheet? George and Island Leann are sitting were in the student union area at Boulder. I said, baby, something's going on with my hands. I think something's going on. I don't know, maybe it's my blood pressure medicine. And I show it to her.

And she, Georgia just goes, it's cool aid. I go, what? She goes, cool aid, dad. You have cool aid packets. I guess one broke and they're all over your hands. And I look and it's in between my fingers and I'm like, mother fucker. I go, this is cool-aid. And then I go, it's cool-aid dad. And I went, walked in, I washed my hands, I just came off and I went, hey, I'm fine. You were that nervous?

I didn't know what it was. But what, what, what, the part I'm leaving out is I looked at it and I saw it and it was like, it was like very distinct circles here and there. That's all I saw, but it was also red as fuck in between my fingers. I didn't see that. And I tried to wash it off and it would not come off. The first time, it would not come off.

And then the next time I put a little soap on there and it fucking came off right away And I was like, oh yeah, it is cool. I thought I was fucking dying. I was like god damn it cool. Hey, you got me again Jesus yeah, and so um, but yeah, I'm back pretty heavily on cool. I'll tell you what how much do you drink now? I'm going through I'm definitely well well you know what, the biggest, one of, it was a little bit of a, of a two storms meeting, because we got a cool ice maker in the new house, and it has the greatest ice.

It's called, is it popcorn ice? Were you to pull up popcorn ice? That's the little ones, right? The little tiny cubes. Also you can chew up. Yeah. It's like, it looks like this. That's popcorn.

That's just popcorn. Yeah. But it looks like this. And so you can put tons of fucking ice. It's almost like having a slurpy. You can put tons of fucking ice, it's almost like having a slurpee. You can put tons of ice in these things and then load it up with Kool-Aid and then the ice is, it sells it.

And so I've been drinking a lot of drinks lately because of this ice. I think ice is maybe a conduit for, I think I might have to take a shit. Right now? No, I can hold it. Let me ask you this. Okay. When you go like, I'm gonna hold it. I'm, I'm, I'm gonna ask you this. It's okay. When you go like, I gotta take a shit.

How long can you usually hold it when you have that feeling? About 30 seconds. Oh, so you usually have emergency shit? Oh, all shits are emergencies. I never, I never casually walk to a toilet. I don't, I never stroll to a toilet. But maybe I'll take a poop.

It is, it,, no, no. What are you being serious right now? Do you like in the morning? Hold on, hold on, hold on, how do you shit? Do you go like, well, yeah, I go like, oh, all right, I'm feeling it. I gotta take a shit. And then I walk over and I sit down and take a shit.

Most of the time, I have emergencies, of course, but I'm saying, what's the ratio of how many times it's an emergency versus a normal shit? My, my, I shit the same way a chick takes a shot in a bar, throws up in her mouth and holds it till she walks outside. Like, BAAA!

And that's how I shit. Every time? Yeah, I think so. Like, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, I do die shit the bed once a month like I've shit the bed before Because I sleep naked and then you just roll the dice on a fart and A lot of times it's shit. It's always shit. It's nothing else. It's not ice cream I shit my pants. Oh a lot like I don't understand when people go, oh, I got diarrhea. I go, don't you always have diarrhea? Well, how often do you have diarrhea? I mean, let's just say I couldn't, I can't pull any of my shit out of the toilet. Okay. Ever? No, I don't ever have a like a log. A log? Like it's always like a a it's always soft serve kind of like Do you ever see logs? I have seen logs. Yeah, usually when I'm yeah, but I'm saying on in a in a week

So, October own I don't probably I don't know what like what me are you saying like a log log because sometimes I'll get like like a play-to-factory type thing Where it likes right about like just that healthy a healthy log Not even every week I don't know I don't know okay, are you on board so rocktober? I don't know You don't know I don't know please you were bored I'm on board but last night what do they want to change it to micro dosing mushrooms? I'm bored, but last night what do they want to change it to microdosing mushrooms? No, I'm not doing what are you talking about? Yeah, already texted me. It's like I should be microdose mushrooms and Joe's like I think that's not real idea

no Did someone please a research For Tom the effects of mushrooms on people who don't have bones in their legs or arms? My allergies are fucking horrific. Eh, that might not be allergies. That might be. You're shit, you're fucking bed once a week. It's not allergies. I could use this over October. I'm not gonna lie to you. It looks like it.

You're catching me on a bad day. Like, right? It's 9 a.m. I have a fucking busy ass day. I can't fucking work out. I can't goddamn work out. So like working out is my thing that gets me even. So, and I can't fucking work out. So I feel like, I think I'm depressed because I literally, I don't,

like I'm just sitting there going, so what do I fucking do? Like, and then I end up just making food. What's your day like? Today, I have a team meeting, I have meetings that 12, 2, 3, fucking five, six, 30s. What?

Team meeting, I have a team meeting. I have a team meeting. Yeah, I try to bring in everyone on my team Once a month and then I do once a week with just the half of half of the people Yeah, but like I just I'm trying to I'm fucking trying to try to do big things Tom I'm trying to buy the rights to this thing and I have to meeting with them and then I'll tell you exactly what I got today. Is it the thing you told me you wanted to buy the rights to?

No, there's someone already owns the rights of it. Yeah. Actually, I think some stuff had been taken off my fucking plate. Okay, well this looks pretty easy. I got a podcast at 630 is my last thing. We're the Rose. You trying to buy the rights to another story. Yeah Okay, I Well actually I don't know I'm even trying to buy them. They all they want to take a meeting

Cuz I think they want me to do something with them and so I was like I yeah, but I don't so I have that Team meeting and then the team meeting at noon is when we get lunch, and so that's what I'm going fucking hard And then we're gonna get well, that's we're you get the apartment, if we're gonna be 100% honest with each other and the universe, I have a Xanax in the middle of my day planned out. I've been having how many, what dosage? I'll do quarter milligram, but I'm having water yeah you're fine I'm I have I'm having massive panic attacks and I cannot control them what's creating them you think

uh I don't know so I had so I I when we flew home from Denver, the Denver airport was looked like Kabul. I mean, it was, did I say that right? Kabul. Yeah, I think Kabul is right. Is that Kabul? Yeah, Kabul. It was fucking chaos in the Denver airport.

It was the line always like that. I've never seen it like that ever in my life. Always like that. The line for security, Tom, you know, first of all, Denver's. Take the escalators down, and then there's that fucking just zoo down there. Yeah, no, and then, but the line wrapped around baggage claim, wrapped around baggage claim for security,

and we're with George and Ila who have no fucking TSA pre-check. They have no fucking status. And so, and then Leanneanne we got a rental car so okay so this is how so I wake up I feel good I go you know what it's gonna be fine I was I was being a baby I didn't I didn't I wanted to I just didn't want to fly with all of them because I get panic I get anxiety in the airport so we pull into the airport Leanne's got a rental car she's like I forgot to get gas and I'm

like don't just don't worry about it she was like well no I don't want to pay the extra go shut the fuck up. We're not it's like just just drop it off and tell them I don't know if it and she goes that I scraped the car. I'm gonna talk to them. I go all right drop me off at At Curbside give me your ID real quick and she goes no, you're not allowed to do that. I go shut the fuck up I go give me your ID. I'm gonna check you in. I'll have your thing. I'm gonna send the girls to security by themselves.

And I'll wait here for you. We both have TSA pre-check. That way the girls can go through the line and get through, give them a little autonomy. And I'll wait for you. And so she's like, okay, so I check her in. I check all the bags in. It means just like things that are so fucking crazy like

Honey, it's it says it's gotta be under 50 pounds. Yours is over 50. Who the fuck says that? Who the fuck says that like just shut up? Don't talk. Don't talk Don't say any just don't Hey tell her I have weed in my bag, too. Why don't you tell her that yeah? So she we put the thing on then the lady goes It's over 50 pounds and I go she goes. It's a hundred dollars for over 50 pounds. I go uncare She's like excuse me and I want to just be like I'm playing commercial. I wanted to fly private out of here I just did fucking red rocks. I I wanted to treat myself and I'm flying on fucking United

Commercial you mother fucker. Do you think I give a fuck about a hundred dollars and the fucking scraped up rental car Like I'm so I'm like I'm like hold it together my hands are sweating right now as I'm telling you this yeah, no This is good so I Said a lady very kind and say I just I was very kind I'm never rude into the airport because I that is the other thing that makes me anxiety Riddled is how fucking people have turned into goddamn animals on airplanes like literally animals have you seen the guy going on his with his mask I mean what the fuck what the fuck it is it's like Oz on a goddamn commercial flight these days

that's making me fucking crazy I go I tell the lady I'm flying first class shows my wife I think we can check overweight bags and she goes well you didn't say you're flying first class and I was like Mm-hmm. I know but I figured you would notice that as you checked me in and she goes well I would have and I was like okay So we get things I go Leanne goes I'm parking too long and I go Can you check her in she goes yeah checks Leanne? I get a thing and Leanne goes, I'm parking too long and I go, can you check her in? She goes, yeah, checks Leanne, I get a thing and Leanne's already gone. Leanne's already left. So I'm like, cool, I'll just wait. So I sit, I send the girls and I go and I sit down and I'm doing

good. I'm actually doing good. I'm listening to the call map and I'm breathing and I'm not drinking. I'm not having to take any Xanax. I'm just like, I'm good. And by the way, and it should be fair to note, I have flight anxiety for legit. I had it pre-pandemic and I was okay with fine. I was pretty good. Post-pandemic with the mask on and the fucking chaos and the six feet and the, and just the idea of being infected with this Delta variant. All this shit, everyone's energies are up here. I'm like, I'm kind of holding on by a fucking thread. And so, I wait for Leanne.

I'm tracking Leanne on the phone, right? I'm tracking where she is on the car. She's taking fucking forever. And by the way, Denver Airport was set up in colonial days. Like who the fuck has the rental cars three miles, seven miles away from the fucking airport and has an airport 180 miles away from the town. I mean, it's fucking makes no sense. So, so I'm sitting there, I'm

waiting, I'm doing breathing exercises and Georgia calls. And I'm like, oh, she goes, Hey, I think we went to the wrong place. And I'm like, what? What? And I go, hang on, where are you? And then I pull up my fucking app where I can track Georgia. She is a quarter of a mile away from me. Like, she is like, and I go, where the fuck are you?

She goes, dad, the line is like really long. Like, they have us out on the, we checked in on the east side. She goes, they have us on the west side, wrapped around baggage claim. I'm right now a baggage claim one and I'm like that is the far Fucking and like we're here. That's all the way here check ins here. I'm like, okay. I'll hold on I'm gonna come get you and she goes well. No, we're in line and I go okay I gotta wait for your mom so then I have I'm trying to manage everything Leanne shows up I get Leanne her saying we need you will get the girls. I go, okay, I gotta wait for your mom. So then I'm trying to manage everything. Leanne shows up, I get Leanne, her saying,

we need to go get the girls. I go to get the girls, by the way, TSA lines long, first class lines long, and I'm like, and I go to Georgia and Island, and everyone is fucking trying to butt in this horrific line. And everyone's being assholes. The fact that I walked up to Georgia and Island,

people lose their fucking goddamn mind. Sir, there's a line and I said it's my daughters I'm just talking to them and they go yeah, but if you're gonna get in line you can't just get there You got to go all the way to the back people people are treating me like this. Yeah, so I say to Georgia and Ila Give me once I'm trying to be calling give me one second I'm gonna go check see if I can bring you in first class with me So I go to the lady I say hey, can I bring in my daughters? They're not flying first class, but I am is it okay? Because that's a weird thing is in this chaos, I'm a weird rule follower about everything.

Because I it's good. I and and but I think it's fucking when I had so. Did you tell the lady at first class, when you say I was going to fly private, but I lowered myself to this or no? No. I did not say that. And by the way, I was thinking it, Tom. It was so much to fly private. It's like fucking 20 grand and I go,

I can't justify it. I cannot justify it. And Leanne was not having it. She was like, no, we're flying commercial. It's fine. I go, baby, we just had a big week in a Red Rocks. Like let's treat ourselves. Let's treat ourselves. I sold out's treat ourselves. Let's treat ourselves.

I sold out red rocks. Let's treat ourselves and fly home private. Like, and we'll have champagne on the plane. No stress. Get home. Start our week. Great. She's like, no, it's fucking 20 grand. You know what I can do with 20 grand? I'm sitting in there. At one point, I said to her, she goes, what do you want to do when you get home? I said, I want to waste $20,000 and watch you make me wait. I'm going to fucking piss on $,000 dollars and light it all fucking fire

So you know that I couldn't fucking avoid it all this I go I go back I grab the girls I said hey you can come with me and Yeah, I go I go back I grab the girls. I said hey you can come with me and They leave now the same people that we're yelling at me are going just so you know, we're not saving your place in line Thomas so bad I go I get us all through I'm sweating. I'm like I'm sweating full blown sweating. I Get through Security we got on the train. There's a huge line to go on the goddamn train We take the train to thing a and we're a 88 and I look and I go a 88 that seems really far away

Tom it is a half a mile away from where McDonald's and everything is in the center It is a half a mile maybe I'm not mean it might be a mile away. It might be a mile away George of course everyone's got a piss so they all go I go Hey, I'm gonna go find out where our gate is I start walking walking, you're gonna walk to the end, down the stairs, around all way, down another set of hallways. And I'm like, I call the end, I go, hey, you need to come down. We're now running late for our flights, this is all the shit show. By the time I got to where a bar was, I was shaking. I was shaking, and I couldn't control it.

And it was just all this stuff, all this processing. And Leanne came in, Leanne, you could do it. And I was like and I couldn't control it and it was just all this stuff all this Processing and Leanne came in and Leanne could you could tell man George a George was not loving me this weekend and They were so sweet to me and I was like I'm Like I'm I'm having a panic attack and they're like what what's happening? And I go I don't know I can't control it. And I was like physically, I felt physically ill. I couldn't even drink, I didn't drink.

I just sat there like shaking and liand's like, this happens to you. I go, I think it's the fucking delta variant, the fucking masks. I mean, like I'm my mask, I'm sweating on my face. And I get way, like I'm not like you, I don't suffer from the same thing, but the stress of traveling with family always heightens all threats,

because I get super stressed out too when I'm traveling with family. I mean, it's just totally different. It's so, it makes me, like, because they don't, they're, you know, I have, I operate a certain way in an airport. I streamline it, right? I streamline it so I don't have to fucking deal with all the shit that makes me crazy. Like this stuff where like, um, you know, unpack your bags. You know, that's why I have TSA pre-checked, that's why I have cleared, I mean, I've done

all the things to make the least amount of snags through my get through the airport. That's when you travel, when I travel by myself, I can manage. Exactly. I'm sitting at this fucking airport bar and I'm shaking and then I get on the and then I get over to where the gate is and I start to relax. I start to do fucking goddamn call map. If they're not a sponsor, we should get them because I listened to the daily call three times. And I'm doing the breathing exercises because the other thing is it's altitude and I'm not breathing. I'm holding my breath and I don't even realize I'm doing it. So and so I'm not getting all the oxygen I need.

I get on the plane and it is the worst fucking turbulence I've ever had in my life. And I have a fucking, another fucking meltdown. And I'm just like and I start playing backgammon aggressively like just going like just to get my mind off of it dude when we landed I it's crazy too because the second we land it's all gone it just fucking yeah disappears and I go what the fuck man is this like my brain because it it feels physical, I feel it physically. And so I've been celebrating the last two days

because I didn't have to fucking, I'm like, I'm not honest. Well, I don't, dude, I don't know what I'm gonna do. I like, you're gonna get out of 100 more planes this year. I know, that's why I started panicking going like, I might just, I'm not even joking, I might just get on the bus and in LA, go to Montgomery for my first show, Augusta Atlanta, and then, and then just live on the bus all of October.

And just keep the bus out, just keep the bus out and just live on the bus the entire month. I just say, I just have to avoid planes. I mean, I mean, it's not, here's a thing, it's not planes. Cause I have flown, it's, this is gonna be, this is gonna sound fucking horrible. It's our country. It's what has happened to our country and the way the media is representing it, I think it's fucking with my head.

And so I'm on the plane waiting for someone to fucking smack a flight attendant, or like I'm like hyper aware of how horrible people are behaving. And I can't operate with that chaos. Like I start to, I think I start over, it's like almost like I watch too many movies about sharks and now I don't wanna get in the ocean.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah, and so I don't know what I'm gonna do. I'm society Is devolving and it's certain to dude and it's killing me like I can't do I went to write aid the other night a day and I was like I just was the way people behave these days. I don't know if it's because they have a mask on, they feel like they're anonymous, but it was just so, I happen again, I started melting down and the end's like,

what the fuck, I also think the other thing Tom is, I stayed 17 months pretty much away from people. I was like, oh, and all of a sudden, I fucking am thrown back into the mix. And people just get close to you and you're like, hey man, what about this Delta? What about, what about, what are we,

I mean, I'm vaccinated, are you, like, everything's so fucking cancer, I'm having a hard time getting folded back into regular society. Wow. Yeah, it's, I think it's, yeah. Have you talked to anyone about it, like a professional?

No, seriously. Why? I should, I should, I told my wife, about it, like a professional? No, seriously. Why? I should, I should, I told my wife, I was like, I need to start therapy again. Because I'm, I mean, this seems like it would be a, obviously, a natural reason to go do it. I mean, my brain is thinking crazy fucking shit. The other day I'm walking down the street

and I see a homeless guy and I just wanted to tuck him in and be like, hey man, people care about you. Like, I care, I wanted to be like, let me help you. Like, let me, like, I just wanted to tuck him in and be like, Amen, people care about you. Like, I care, I wanted to be like, let me help you, like, let me, like I just feel like, I feel like fucking society's gone south. God, what are you laughing at? What are you laughing at?

I'm laughing thinking about just coming to Austin all my days off because it's quicker to be from here. You should, and you'll be surprised. There are quite a few homeless people here. But yeah, I mean, I think it's pretty obvious when you talk about the airport, ride aid, the homeless guy, your problem isn't society.

Your problem is how gross poor people are. And I think like if you start just hanging out with more people of means, you won't have any anxiety. That might be it. Yeah. You know I haven't got to a fucking grocery store. I haven't got a grocery store. I haven't got to a grocery store.

I probably got to a grocery store maybe in 17 months, 18 months, probably. But here's a crazy thing, I was totally cool in Serbia. Like I was totally cool being around people in Serbia. But you were in a bubble. No, but I was out of the bubble. I went out to eat and stuff and... Yeah, but I mean, it's like a controlled atmosphere almost, you know.

You know what, maybe I just need to live in a small town Maybe I need to retire and move to a small town Mom, it's not a small town Austin's fuck's not but still you could live 30 miles outside of here. I Could just get guns and dogs and get like a big ranch. Oh, I would love fun with that. It's totally you living on a ranch? God. And then I just need, I need to, yeah. Someone offered me tickets to watch a Rams Buckeneers. Yeah.

And I'm in Vegas the night before and then the games at one and I just started thinking I don't like what everyone just fights at these games and then they love fighting because they go viral And I'm like and cats are falling off roofs. I mean what the fuck I was like I don't like it. Oh god damn game Like I don't want to get you, you need to do a session, man. Well, I think you should get your therapist on the line. I mean, but do you think other people feel like me, like the way, yeah, but I'm saying that like, I'm not negating or diminishing your anxieties.

I'm just saying that like, I think a lot of people are feeling like you, but I think it might help be helpful for you to talk to somebody that knows professionally how to deal with that. But yeah, it's a crazy world, and it's kind of like where your mind's at in it. That's what I'm saying, you know?

Yeah, yeah. Who's right, man, that flight home was rough. I was like, I haven't been like that in a very, very long time. And part of it is like, wait, I gotta tell you a crazy thing that happened, but I can't tell you on camera. Wait, why? Because I can't, I'll have to tell you off camera.

Okay, fuck. I know. Hey, are we gonna do a live show soon? I would love to. We have to shoot some stuff for it, you know? Like we've had our dominatrix, we've had our... That's right. We got to shoot something for it. I you know? Like we've had our dominatrix, we've had our... Yeah, that's right. We got to shoot something for it.

I really wish we would double team Adriana if our stupid dumb fucking wives would stop being so dumb. Do you think if I was in an airport with Adriana Chechik that I would have no anxiety because I'd just be like looking at her the whole time and being like, I would calm you down. Yeah, I would calm you down. Oh, yeah, we're just gonna use dildos. Like what's the fucking problem? I would calm you down. Yeah, we're just going to use dildos like what's the

fucking problem. I say we do it is better to what is it ask for forgiveness than permission. That's exactly right, Bert. That's exactly right. And I think if if we do it and we show them like how respectful we were and then every now and then we fight our real dick son. You're looking you're like, wait, you're doing whoa you're doing your real dick and for Adriana she thinks it's yeah She she's like oh is that the toy like she thinks our real dick so just little toys. Yeah, yeah, it's a toy Yeah, do you think she'd really have she'd really have sex with her us do you think? Yes, what do you mean do I think? What if we what if we what if me and you got into a throw?

I think I'm not saying that we would satisfy her. I'm saying I think she would do it for the last. Who do you think would come first? You. No, I definitely jerk off before. Would you jerk off before? No. No.

I would try to go in there fully loaded. Yeah. Yeah, I think of all the things we could say right before we had sex with it. That would be awkward as fuck. You know how it's funny. Like it sounds like a joke, but the reality of how unimpressed she would be with how we fuck Because she she did she works with professionals like like real Toxman who not just have huge pieces, but like they're like how many hours you need me to fuck you for what if I'm okay What if this what if this what if we what if okay soft pitch

What if we fuck Adriana Chuchak and she teaches us how to fuck and it's just that would Dude now you're getting our wives on board. Yes We're just gonna get better at having sex with our wives because Adriana it would be very clinical We'll make our wear a nurses outfit. Yeah, we're gonna wear a nurse's outfit. Nurse outfit and show up our oral game and our fucking game. And you know, then we give it back to our wives. And we're like, how much better are we now? That's the way to do it, dude. I love this. I love this. Now is the time to pitch it to our our stupid wives. All right, I'll call. Okay. Yours is just in the room with you.

No, she's not here. Where is she? She on the road this weekend? No, she's, she's in awesome. She's not in the... She got her cast off her foot yet? Yeah, she's walking around totally fine. Oh really? That's just she's a fucking anomaly.

The, I got my, I got a hundred percent flexibility in my arm. They technically said yesterday I didn't have to wear my brace anymore. They said I didn't have to wear my brace anymore. So I didn't wear my brace making smash burgers. I worked for a little bit and I took it off and then I burned my fucking hand, Tom, and I went like this, ha, and I fucking hurt my tendons. And I was like, God damn it. and I took it off and then I burned my fucking hand Tom and I went like this Ha and I fucking hurt my ten minutes and I was like God damn it So I put it back on I was like I don't give a fucking real wear it until I fucking I'm gonna wear it until I can break out of it jerking off like Forrest gumped-ed running

Come for us come bird come Let me shite shite call for a really good joke. Did he not hear that? I didn't hear it all. Oh God damn it Did I call for a really good joke did he not hear that I didn't hear at all. Oh God damn it Did I call Christina Yeah, yeah, Christina and this how you say it ready? Yeah What do you say to me pleasing you better in bed? There you go We got to do salesman's approach to this where are they both just like Did you ever call your wife and she doesn't answer so much that you want to cancel her fucking phone? Yeah. And go and go, that's right, you don't get

a phone now. You don't get a phone. You don't know how you do it. I call you, you answer it. That's how it works. I play that phone call. You see it ring. Sometimes I'm fucking. Right. And I don't answer it. It's because something fucking busy is happening because I'm fucking, oh. Right, and I don't answer it's because something fucking busy has happened. Because I'm making money to pay for these fucking phones. Right. I get fucking, I get Leanne, Leanne'll, this drives me not so bad. She'll go a phone number or ring, she'll go,

a 3-1-0, who is this? And I go, that's why they, that's why it vibrates, is that you know that it's someone, so answer it, say hello, and then that person will tell you who it is That's how this game works. It's a fucking game telephone answer the phone She goes, I don't know them. I'm not answering I go could be the fucking hospital

You really are in 11 off stage in a ten on fucking I'm a I Am I am I'm 11 I'm really thinking I'm really thinking. Oh wait. We're gonna lead into sober October and then go right to births birthday Oh fuck. I don't have your gift lined up. I think we should push push pause I'm getting anxiety about your fucking gift and I'm like I'm starting to dread your birthday going like god damn I'm gonna make extra money so I'm like I'm starting to dread your birthday going like god damn it I gonna make extra money so I'm gonna fucking birthday gift so maybe I can get you a gift okay something normal how about this you ready for this right yeah no no I think what we do I think what we do

is we do a live show on my birthday for my birthday and all the money all the money that all the money that we make from the live show you spend on a gift oh my god and then we do a live show on your birthday and all the money we make for that live show I buy you a gift oh my god that's so wasteful they do I know why so be so fucking pissed they're super pissed they go like go That's so wasteful They're be super pissed they'd be like go fuck Adriana Chatchock and don't ever do that Oh, how great would that be oh my god. Oh, that would be so fucking awesome So I was live shows like great. Guess what I'm moving to Montana Tom bought me a ranch and some horses. Oh my god I'm moving to Montana Tom bought me a ranch in some horses. Oh my god

It's it's tempting. Oh my god. It's kind of tempting I I needed this today, man. I haven't fucking I was shaky yesterday's podcast with Ari. Did you tell Nadov? I haven't fucking I was shaky yesterday's podcast with Ari. Did you tell Nadov? No. Oh, I was stuttering. I came up with a brilliant fucking idea. I mean, that all seemed pretty normal. Yeah.

No good. Thanks, Nadov. What's what was your brilliant idea? A celebrity backgammon. Wait, what's that? So it's I was to it's in TV show. To celebrity backgammon though. That's why you'd be perfect for show to play with backgammon though

That's why you'd be perfect for this. Yeah backgammon already thinks he can be like how do you play backgammon? By the way, I ran all of Ari's Jewish theories by my Jewish friends last night and None of them check out I was like did you know that you play that are inherently Attracted you because you're Jewish and they're like that's not true. And I was like no already said it's true and they're like Backgammon's a really I play backgammon did you do that though of Jewish girls blowjob thing? No, what's that? Isn't that that like all the Jewish girls get better blowjobs? I'd love to fucking find that out. I Had a couple Then do I have you know that one? I mean, I've heard it, but I don't really fuck with juice. So I don't want I wouldn't know

Wow, you did how crazy is the dog what were his other theories? His you know all my all my things I know about Jewish people all come from Moshe cashier and You know, all my things I know about Jewish people all come from Moshe Kassar and Ari Shaffir. And I think they're good, too good resources. Well, they both used to be Hasidic, right, or Orthodox. And so, but I don't hang out with any Orthodox Jewish people. I hang out with the progressive Jewish people. So, maybe they just don't know what it's like to be orthodox.

Maybe that's what the problem is. Well, that's probably true too. And maybe they don't know their Judaism that good. Maybe they're like, Not as well as those guys do. And by the way, one of those guys is only half Jewish. Do not tell him that.

He gets fucking, Oh, maybe I shouldn't say his name. Oh, I thought you meant between Ari and motion. No, no, no, no, yeah, we've had his name but one of my buddies is his dad is Jewish. I think I don't fucking know how it works. Anyway Because the rule in Judaism is if your mom's Jewish your Jewish. Yeah, correct And if your mom's not Jewish then you're not Jewish, right? And you can't have it to two. A what? A tattoo. Mm-hmm. Yeah, if you want to be buried next to your next to your family and the Jewish cemetery, you can't have a tattoo. Sweet. How did that work out with the Holocaust? Those are excellent. Yeah. When it's

forced on you. No, but that's like that's like extra shitty. But was that ruled? Hang on. Hang on. Who put that rule in the books? Because Jesus, around that time Moses didn't get tattoos. They weren't getting tattoos. Jesus had one on his neck too. What did it say? The Bible says that. What did it, yeah, what is Jesus's tattoo?

It said, forgiven. Forgiven. Know it? Yeah, what is Jesus's tattoo? It said for given for given know that yeah, the rider die writer. Yeah, I'm God's writer die. Hey, uh, it said Sue will Wait, hang on what's the rule? I when did the tattoo rule come into the Judaism grave yards? That had to be like in my day. Why do you say it? Why do you say it totally talked like that? What's that? To two tattoo you mean? Yeah, to two. I like, I like, I like putting a little spin on my words every now and then. Yeah. You know, razzle dazzling. It was part of being an 11. It's part of being 11 is, you know, if you ever meet Benaflex, then yeah. Hey, I've said Benaflex names so wrong, so long as a joke

that I now say it wrong for real. And I've done that. Do you know that we got a dump, a video dump of more people saying your name wrong? Oh, yeah. Do you know no one, no one, says my name right me more? I don't know why it throws people off so much.

I think my name is always, I meant for my whole life, I was always called Brett or Brent. And I'm guilty of it too. I walked into a store to get my beard trimmed. It's called like beard company or beard brothers. And I was like, I walked in and I was like, this doesn't look like a barber shop. This looks like a bakery.

I go, oh, it's bread brothers. I literally was like, I wouldn't mind getting like, I'm right right there, I wouldn't mind getting a little trim up. I opened it and I was like, this is a bakery. All right, I walked out and they're like, can we help you? I was like, not unless you can trim beards. And they're like, I have. Kids are about to ruin this taping. What? I said, my kids are about to ruin this taping.

Oh, they are? I'm looking. I just heard them. My kids, my daughters and I are getting along really well right now. I thought you said you weren't. We had a rough patch in Denver, but I think it was because it is because, I think what was happening is Georgia's nervous about college.

And so I think and I was and I was super like gun hoe like, Hey, put your phone down. Take a look at this. Take a look at that. I think she's just I think the whole thing's a little overwhelming to her. And I was not being super sensitive. And I just kept hitting me and going. I learned how to flick people off. And I just kept flicking me off and then going, shut up.

Stop talking. Stop talking. You're making it worse dad. Stop it. I learned how to flick people off and I just kept flicking me off and then going shut up stop talking stop talking You're making it worse dad. Stop it and so I love Colorado. I fucking love Colorado. It's the best dude. Let's see best state to be born in I mean obviously Florida because I think it makes you a stronger person What best state? I because I would love to get the LA's fucking making me crazy I think it makes you a stronger person. What? Best state, because I would love to get, the LA is fucking making me crazy.

I would love to live in a crazy making place. I'd love to live in, I would love to live in like Cape Cod. You said to be born in, I know, I'm talking reckless, Tom. What, oh, I mean, I would, I'm a baby baby is Massachusetts. What are why?

There you go. Minnesota, DC, New Hampshire. I'm telling you, man, those are very progressive states. You people are sleeping on Cape Cod. Cape Cod's a fucking, Cape Cod's awesome. I've never been to Martha's Vineyard. I wanna go to Martha's Vineyard. I would check that out.

I wanna go to. I just wanna see, but I don't even know anything about it. It's like when I first moved to New York and then and I went to Greenwich Village and there were skyscrapers and I was like tall buildings and I was like this doesn't look like a village at all. I thought it would be like a little village that you like walked in a door and like walked in a gate and all of a sudden

there were trees everywhere and like a little hobbit a little like a hobbitin like in Lord of of the Rings. Did weren't you expecting something wild in Hell's Kitchen when you heard about Hobbit? Yeah, I wanna see people holding people down faces in the gutter, fucking them in the ass, going like, yeah, I went down to the meat packing district and that lived up to its name. Yeah.

I saw a dude, fuck a dude in his ass, at a club in the meat packing district, it's first week in LA. This, you want to talk about a crazy fucking night? Starts on 11th Avenue, right? Uh, having drinks with these, this guy who was like the editor of Us Magazine who had known growing up, um, these beautiful women.

And then he was like, hey, let's, let's, let's, let's say we really go out. We gotta take burnout. Let's take him to a club. So we go to this club. I think I might have done Coke or something, but we actually see or something like that. But, and then next thing you know,

we're in the meatpack industry, and they're like, you need to go to a real gay bar. Like not, like, you need to go to a fucking hardcore gay bar. I have such vivid memories of this 15 minutes I stayed in this gay bar. There was a dude that had stars tattooed from his heels all the way to his ass cheeks. Just like going progressively bigger and he was serving cocktails. And then I looked over and there is one dude straight up fucking another dude in the ass. And I'm like, holy shit, welcome to New York.

Then we end up at Mary Luz, a bar on like 13th Street. I know I've told you this. I'm sitting at Mary Luz and I'm like, and now it's like after hours, like three in the morning. And I am like fucking this night, it's been crazy. I'm still with the dude and the two hot chicks. And this guy next to me goes, hey, you're the party animal. And I was like, yeah. And he was like, I was just ready about you on the plane.

I know you. And he was like, yeah, I got to get a drink for the party. Me animal. Hey, Harvey, able party animal right here. And they're like, huh? And then all of a sudden the chick looks over and she's like, stunned. And she goes, oh my God, David Lee Roth knows who you are. And I'm like, that's David Lee Roth., oh my God, David Lee Roth knows who you are. And I'm like, that's David Lee Roth. Did not look like the David Lee Roth I grew up with. And I was like, holy shit. And then he was talking to, at this bar is Abel Farah.

I don't really know who that is, but I just remember the name, Abel Farah and Harvey Kytel and David Lee Roth. And I'm just like, this is like the final, like my first week in New York. And I was like, it's gonna be all fucking roses. Never saw a David Lee Roth again. Yeah, yeah.

Well, you fucked a guy in the ass at a bar? No, I did not, but. Oh, I remember, gay bars, going to gay bars is like, back then it was like fucking chaos. I remember with this guy that worked at Barnes & Noble with me, it was the first like gay dude I really, really knew. Like, I'm sure I knew gay dudes and grown up in high school and college, but no one ever came out.

And then I met this guy, he came out, he was from like Iowar, somewhere, small town, moves to New York, and he was fucking every night. He came in with a black eye one morning and he goes, I go, what happened? He was like, I fucked out of my loft last night. And I was like, what?

And that guy would tell me stories. He, I remember he put me into a spiral. He came up and he's like, hey, can I show you my cock? And I was like, yeah. And he's like, I got something wrong with it. I don't know what's going on. He showed me his dick. And I was like, I think you got bit by spiders. And then he was like, I got something wrong with it. I don't know what's going on. He showed me his dick and I was like, I think he got bit by spiders.

And then he was like, and then me and him went to a medical journal and said, looking up diseases and I had just had my first one night stand the night before, my first one night stand, the night before, like the only one night stand I ever had my entire life. And then I did it once. I've only had one. I maybe I ever had my entire life. And I did it once. I've only had one.

I maybe I've had it too. Yeah. I had to say this liver pudley and check. So I do. I do. I fucked a check from liver pool. And we went to a ride roller coasters roller coasters the dead during the day and she saw me do stand up I party with her the night that night and with her

nurse sister and then she said we're going to Magic Mountain you want to come or whatever the fucking six flags and I was like yeah sure I went with her and her sister and we came back I did stand up again that night we came back to my room and I feel like she fucked me just so that they had a place to stay Because I stayed at my house, but the interesting thing is and this I you'll get a kick out of this She smoked cool cigarettes and she drank Kavasi and as I fucked her I was like this is what it would smell like the fuck two-pock I mean did you meet her in the Bronx? No, she was from Liverpool and then I talked to her like two months later and

Like on the phone she called you know, they were back in Liverpool and I was like how's everything she was like oh No so good We just had a car bomb-ing knitted I did a great fucking okay, then hold on let me see if I can remember this Never mind Wait what about the one night stand I Kill my fucking tour that pussy up that that's the best I've ever fucked in my entire life By the way ran into that chick in Hawaii.

Really? I met the blue note, ran into her at my show. She came to my show, ran into her, I was like, what's up? Fucking awesome. I mean, she, that's how good I, Tom, that's how good I talk. Tom, that's how good I fucked. 22 years later, 22 years later, she still knows my name, right?

I haven't talked to her once, I haven't talked to her once. Comes to my show, comes backstage, they go, hey, at the blue note, guy goes, hey, I think one of your ex-girlfriends is here. And I was like, I literally have four-girl ex-girlfriends. That's it. I only have three, three real, I mean, like, you know, high school ones, but three real ex-girlfriends.

And I was like, and one's a lamb. And I was like, and I was like, I'm like, that's impossible. And he goes, and I go, don't worry about it. Just bring him back. She walks in and I was like, she wasn't a girlfriend. You immediately recognized her? Immediately. Immediately.

She looked the same? Yeah, she looked great actually. Yeah, she looked fantastic. And so, and that's the best I've ever had sex. That's the part, but like, but like, I've had good, meaning like, with a stranger, you know, like, Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I've had good sex.

Did you wrap it up No, did you did you raw dog it? I raw dog did yeah, yeah, oh the guy said I love you during it or whatever I wasn't I wasn't good at one-night stance. I definitely said I love you And definitely I only did this with people I loved and so then I was just like I love you She was like huh? I was like hmm. What do you you want to say a fact? So I feel this isn't weird. Oh, that's great. And like cut to the next day that gay guy shows me his dick. And he's like, he's like, he's like, I wish I knew this gay guy's name.

I wish I remembered his name. I wish I could talk to him. I wish you had started blowing that guy He shows me his dick and then he we go to the medical journals and he starts looking for his disease And he was like he was like you're lucky And I was like why and he goes well you don't have unprotected sex and I go oh I did last night He was like oh, maybe you should be looking in here then cuts to a fucking meltdown of me believing I have every vinaural disease in the book What did he end up having? I have no idea. I have no idea. And then, and they said, you know, so interesting is they, I remember my boss, Dwayne, is at Barnes and Noble.

He said to me one time he goes, it was in a big team meeting upstairs before we opened. And he said, Bert, what do you do? And I said, I'm a comedian and he goes, no. You work at Barnes & Noble. Don't ever forget that. That's actually what you do.

You do that. You are not a comedian. And I was like, what a fucking cock, right? You have to go. And then, and then Dwayne is the guy who fired me for working out in the basement my underwear. Do you have a question? Dwayne is the one who fired me in the basement front

and then I came back, I just gone to LA, signed a deal with Will Smith. I was like, ready to go back to that Barnes Noble as if I made it, right? So I walk up to the information booth. I'm I'm living in LA, I'm just back for a couple days, I got a big TV deal. I'm I'm ready to like brag to Dwayne that, hey, guess what? I'm a fucking comedian, you can suck my dick and I walk in and I see that the gay guy and he lights up and he's like hey and I was like what's up? And he goes oh dude. I heard you I heard you like signed a TV deal and I said I did and he goes oh

He goes hey man. I got fucked so hard last night And I just went back to my old thing and I was like oh tell me all about it And then I never got this practice Dwayne I ended up hanging with the gay guy we ended up going down to the What? It's way better than then saying seeing Duane yeah, Duane got fired Duane was fucking one of the Apparently that's what he said. I didn't even see yeah, but I'd rather hear about the gay guy get butt fucking God I can do it. It was like the coolest It was like the coolest time of your life was when you're young and you just are learning

about everything and you're like really excited and going to see stand up every night. Now I'm jaded fucking sitting at the Denver airport, shaken. And yeah, man. All right, we got to wrap this up. We've done a hundred episodes Most of which with each other And you're gonna fly out here so we can we can try to stop zooming if you can be available On either of on a Tuesday in October I can make it happen Well, I think we can make that I can can be available. Two Tuesdays in October will bang out the whole fucking month.

We can do a Monday Tuesday. Do a Monday night Tuesday. Yeah, we'll do it, we'll do it. Yeah, all right, good. All right, and then just you know, you have like a legit house guest. Like I'm definitely staying with you. I know that. Yeah.

Like I'm really, I'm fucking living it up. You're gonna see me making arrangements. You're gonna see me at a like an arrangement. All right, so thank you guys for watching, for supporting us, and hopefully hundreds of more episodes. Bert, I love you. I love you more, Tom. I love you so much that I'll do all the ad reads today.

You're the best. All right, I'll talk to you later, buddy. Okay, bye-bye. Bird, time, time and bird. One goes top to swallow the other, wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and birds, the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep the clean. Here's what we call, two bears on cake. they'll keep clean. Here's what we call, two bears one cave. No scripts to be the booze amateur, pathology, dirty jokes, ronti humor, no apologies. Here's what we call, two bears one cave.