2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 101 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: October 4, 2021

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By the way, I'm on a new thing. I'm not talking shit about anybody. That's not true. I'm not gonna talk shit about anybody. That's not true I'm my new thing wait a minute. We were doing it all yesterday I know but not why can do it. No, I do it privately. It's not publicly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah So what do you think man? I love it 1.3 million dollars So what do you think man? I love it 1.3 million dollars This is nice dude. This is this is why we came here. I think this moves Austin's been great Hey guys, welcome to two bears one safe house and This is this is why we did it so six months and we kind of we got it the way and we kinda like, we got it the way exactly we went. So bizarre.

You know, when you first started your mom's house, it wasn't this. It wasn't, and what I did was, I studied the videos that Khalil Shake Muhammad put out. And I was like, I want to duplicate that. We should do a beheading after this. Super definitely can. Yeah.

I have some people we found. This is crazy, because people driving by don't know that this is what's going on in here Oh, yeah, and it's guess what they're not gonna find out. Okay They're not gonna fucking find out Yeah, so just so people know We are still Still waiting for we actually got through some permits

Which is really exciting. Oh, is that you had to do permits? Yeah, we do permits. So we got through some of the permit hell under construction and I showed you those renderings. Yeah, I like the new set. It's going to be badass. It's going to be pretty cool. I can't wait until 2023. Oh, 24.

24 until we get it. It's going to be really great. So we're in a temp space right now. But it's great to be face to face in that zooming I wonder yeah, no shit, and this is this will be we'll be doing these live all this month. Yeah, yeah Yeah, so we'll we'll jazz this up I think this this set will grow and get better and better Well, see that I want to have some more air back here because otherwise, you know

The Quran is not meant to be Interpreted and you interpreted in however you want. It's in the Lord's language. I just realized, I just realized, if there was a person hiding behind there, this scared living shit out of me in the middle of the fucking thing. And if they tried to, if they went to kill you

for like a funding Muhammad, I would, I would be like, take him, sacrifice him. This might, and by the way, I like that, I like that we picked the smallest house in the room. The smallest room in the house. Smallest room in the house to do this in. Yeah. This is like, well, you know, even though

I don't want it to be too big though. Yeah. Yeah, I want it to be super intimate. Yeah. Like, we're fucking. Yeah. Like, who? Yeah.

Who wants to fucking big rooms? You want to fucking small rooms? I don't want to fucking a big room. I had a Big room makes my dick feel smaller, you know Come here get this closet. I want you to see my dick. Yeah. Oh, this is the biggest thing in here We got I first of all two things. I had the best sex I've had with Leanne in a very long time. I like that you specified it was with Leanne. Yeah, with Leanne Yeah, I had a visual. I had a

visual that I realized I'm very visual. Like I remember one time we were having sex in our in our beach house a long time ago and there's a big mirror and I kept looking around to see like yourself. Nobody see my like everything going in and I was like she was like, hey what the fuck are you looking at? I was like, I'm looking at you. She was like, I don't feel like you're in it. I feel like you're looking for a cab or something. And I was like, I know that the fuck are you looking at? I was like, I'm looking at you. She was like, I don't feel like you're in it. I feel like you're looking for a cab or something. And I was like, I know that's what I do. I'm like looking at things. But also, you probably really would enjoy watching yourself

have sex. Because you like watching yourself do anything. Someone said to me, so what did you think of your movie? I said, why do you think it's- That was me, that was me. Yeah, and I said it was awesome, but I also listened to my own podcast. Yeah, that's me.

You said it was awesome, and I was like, I'm so happy for you. You don't understand. I can listen to my stuff on a podcast, and enjoy it. And I was like, I watched, I watch that movie, just watching me. All I do is, I do like, I watch me,

I look at my beard, I look at my eyes, I look at my hair, I look at, like, all I do is watch me, I don't watch the fight. They're like, notes, and I do is, I do like, I watch me, I look at my beard, I look at my eyes, I look at my hair, I look at like, all I do is watch me, I don't watch the fight. They're like notes and I was like, yeah, you're close up yourself, and most comedians can't stand themselves. I really like me. Like I really enjoy, I'm always shocked when people don't. When they don't like you? Yeah, like I'm always like, I was like, what are that like, how can you not love me?

Like when you go to a party and like, like people read energies and then all immediately they're like, they're like, he's read energies and then all immediately they're like, they're like, ah, he's a lot. And I'm like, yeah, that's the fun part, right? Right. And like, I wouldn't, you know, how come you wouldn't love to, do you want more of it?

Like, right. But whatever. Teaches on. Yeah. Some people are racist for the reason at all. Okay. Yeah. I, I enjoy you.

I know you do. I know you do. But I think you enjoy enjoy me like you enjoy me the way that like You enjoy me the way that some guys like to have cameras and shoot up girl skirts on the escalator Like in a voyeur like I think you enjoy me more just watching me operate I do like watching operate and like like last night when we were leaving the game. Yes. I just was, I thought we were both racing to put the hot dog in our pocket.

I thought you were like, I'm gonna grab it if you don't grab it. No. So we went to the Austin FC game, right? Yeah. They played L.A. First soccer game, soccer match. It wasn't called any. I think it looked like you'd be into soccer.

I think it's a match. I think, like, right? It's definitely not. I'm definitely not into soccer. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Time, D. Hunden.

Why? That's still way better than a Dava would do it. Yeah, this is Arabic. Okay good Well, it's been it's been fitting with the whole set so I went to a soccer match Years ago internet. I went to a game Peru. They played Ecuador. So it was national teams. So a big big crazy, you know, they're fucking throwing shit on the field. That's when stadiums clasp. Yeah, and they throw bodies off of like upper balcony stuff.

This though, like beautiful stadium here in Austin. Great environment. Like it was just 20,000 seats and it's done nice. And then guys, and I love that they have the ones that they were saying I don't know if this hacker but they were saying the ones in the in the home goal are all the fans and the seats don't sit down they all stand up that's the cheer section cheer section and then you got apparently you got to shoot a video of yourself to get tickets to prove that you will cheer for the entire game.

The whole game. They never stop. Why doesn't more of that happen? I don't know, but I mean, if you look at international soccer team fan bases, you go into Europe, obviously in England, in Spain, and Italy, I mean, the fans are just, it's other level. Like they're fully devoted, the stadiums are enormous, and those places, they don't stop singing the songs and chanting for the, like, walking to the stadium for the whole match, and then out, they go to like,

each team has its own plaza, you know, and they'll go and just love celebrating. I love that, I love, and I love when, here's what I also really dig, is that I didn't even know we had Major League Soccer. I mean, I knew we had, I knew Drew Carey was part of it, or something, but just kinda like, the same way my daughters must feel about the Bible. I felt about soccer.

I was like, I know it's there, but I don't really like, follow it. And then, to see people traveled from LA to come to this game, and I thought, I respect that. And by the way, we saw it. And I wish I had that. I wish I had that for more things. Right.

Do you have that level of fandom? I don't have it. Like, hold on. Do we have a paper and pen, so I can write things down as they come to me? But I don't have any of that, like I have that for comedy, like I'm really into comedy

and there's like people I drive to go see. Yeah, but as far as like sporting teams, I don't know if I travel. That's so badass. We saw a huge upset. Huge upset. LA was a better team and they were were considering this win

and they lost two nothing. We saw that placement fucking crazy with each goal. They made me, like I got in a weird place last night because I've never followed soccer. When I was a kid, you weren't allowed to follow soccer. It was a commie sport and that was all it was said. You play baseball, you don't take baths, you don't play soccer.

There's the two things you don't do. It's a bath? No, that's what commies do. The commies take baths. Commies play soccer. And that was like, I remember, oh, thank you, buddy. I remember thinking that I have my own pen. I don't want to introduce you to this pen.

I think you're going to really like this pen. But like, it was, I had a smile on my face, top to bottom. Like I had so much fun. Hold on, let me get these pens out. You're gonna fucking love this pen. This is the best pen I've ever owned. Ever. Ever, you're gonna love the way it writes.

I love pens. You're gonna love it. It's, it is a gel ink and it's a fat one. So you feel like you're painting the paper. Go ahead and write your name down. You're gonna like what I got you into. Really? Yeah. I'm gonna move this thing. Oh yeah. I'm gonna great pen. Yeah. Yeah. this is the jelly roll oh wait And it's G E L L Y. I bought I bought like About a bunch of them and I put them all over my house because there's nothing better You ever take you ever take it hold on. Well, stay on task. Let's stay on but but you ever go to like a restaurant And you write with the pen you sign the thing and you're like damn this is a good pen. Yeah, and

The waiter doesn't notice it and I'm like, but I'm stealing it. Yeah, cuz this is too good pen. Yeah. And the waiter doesn't notice it, and I'm like, mmm, but I'm stealing it. Yeah. Because this is too good of a pen. If you don't read it. Have you read a waiter asked for their pen back? Yeah. I've had that multiple times. Where's a great pen, and you're like,

thanks, and you just kind of put on the table, and he's like, you're carrying my pen back? Yeah. He's like, it's a good pen, it writes thick. Oh, this is a great, these are great pens. Yeah. So wait, I wanted to, okay. I lied one time.

He installed the waiter's pen. these are great pens. So wait, I wanted to, okay. I lied one time. Installed the waiter's pen. I said, I don't know where it went. He's like, there's nobody fucking here, man. It's me and you. And I was like, it's got, it must be, somebody must have picked it up. He was like, yeah, you did. You stole it.

I was like, prove it. So last night I get to the game and I'm just, you're, you're, I've never seen soccer in my life. It, dude, it, arriving there when we, when we arrived, it was, it was just, like, just as the national anthem was gonna begin and there was cheering, like, you know, those drum sections going and I'm like, and it's a beautiful stadium. This is a, a, a Q2 stadium, I think it's called.

I mean, it must be a year or two old, it's not an old stadium, it's like state of the art. And you see like people are in a good mood and they're all like just cheering already. And it felt like we were going to, I don't know, it felt like the place to be. Like it was like an exciting atmosphere to be in, you know. And what's great is, here's the other thing. I don't know, it felt like the place to be. It was an exciting atmosphere to be in. And what's great is, here's the other thing.

I don't mean this disrespectfully, and by the way, I'm on a new thing. I'm not talking shit about anybody. That's not true. I'm not gonna talk shit about anybody. That's not true. I'm my new thing. Wait a minute, we were doing it all yesterday.

I know, but no, I do it privately, it's not publicly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've found myself talking shit about things, and I'm like, what the do it, no, I do it privately, it's not publicly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I found myself talking shit about things and I'm like, what the fuck are you doing, Bert? I'm in the opinion. You know what it was, is that you go, you go, someone's open their mouth and you go, you, as soon as that guy opened his mouth,

you knew exactly how much he didn't know. And I went, that's all I do. Right. All I do is go, I spit, so anyway. When you comment on things you don't know about. Yeah, I do that go I spent so anyway when you comment on think as you don't know about yeah I do that constantly yeah like I I taught I okay. Let's get a viral point. Okay When you go to an XFL game and I don't mean this disrespectfully, but you can when we went to the XFL game You can see the

The playing difference between you can see the jump between High school college XFL and NFL. Yeah. You see the grades. What was beautiful about last night's game is I can't really tell the difference in soccer. So these were the best players in the world to me. Right. So like I was ear to ear that one guy with the white hair that would sprint down the solid. They're so fast. God, all they do is run for the fucking 90 minutes. And the goalie for Austin, Stuver, was amazing.

And so I can't tell the difference between the best goalie in the world and Stuver. So Stuver's the best goalie in the world to me. So I was watching the best goalie in the world because they didn't let one goal in. And he had a lot of shots on him. And then I'm watching the LA guys and they're doing the drums, the didn't let one go in. Yeah. And he had a lot of shots on him. And then, and then, and then I'm watching the LA guys and they're doing the drums, the whole fucking game,

they're doing drums and they're in the corner in the nosebleeds. Yeah. And then I just kept thinking I want more of that in my life. I want more of like, of like, I want to have the feeling that those Austin fans had were for 90 minutes. They dance and cheer. I'm gonna look for, I'm gonna try to go back to one of those.

I'm gonna try. You gotta take the boys. I'm gonna try. It would be, it looked so cool. I remember one time I went to a country western concert for travel channel. Yeah. And I forget the guy's name.

I know that Zach Brownbann had just played, but the guy that was headlining was like, Tim McGraw or something. So one of the guys that was like, writes real country, like the real, that's beautiful fucking, what's gorgeous. Real country and like, and like, it's kind of a little slower. It's meant for people that really appreciate country. I remember sitting in the front,

I had front row seats. I had a hundred percent access backstage. And I was like, I don't remember being like shitty and I was like, this music sucks. And I was just like, I can't believe like, I got such great access and I don't care about this music. And I was like, any one of these people here would love to be saying what I'm saying.

And I don't really care about the music. I was so odd that I don't really, and I kept thinking that. And then I said, wait, this guy just filled a fucking stadium What part of me is so arrogant that I don't that I'm saying this sucks this sucks We all do this everyone does it and I'm sitting there in the front row going is blows And I'm talking to my sound guy who likes this kind of music and he goes ah He's a it's it's not bad. This is really good. And he was like, she can give it a chance.

So I grabbed a cold beer and I was like, he's a pretty good guitarist. And I was like, he's got great, he's got great voice, he's a great singer. And then I was like, wait, this is pretty awesome. I'm gonna stadium and I'm watching a professional musician that maybe 40,000 people paid to see. And I'm like, and I'm right up front.

Yeah. And he's looking at me and I'm like, oh, hold on. And I'm like, and I'm right up front. Yeah. And he's looking at me and I'm like, oh, hold on. And I think that's shift and perspective of, and that's what I'm obsessed with it right now, because I want to be a fan of that of more things. Yeah. Like, okay, list the things before we go back

and finish this soccer game. List the things that you're legit a fan of. Where? Because you were talking about F1. And I'm literally at the game on a site going, I'm gonna get into F1. I wanna get into F1. I want us to do an F1 catch up on this show

where everyone's into F1. Because I hear F1's fucking awesome. They have the F1 event here. There's a F1 race here. Is it next Monday? It's in October. When? I think 23rd, 24th, what might be?

Then Tallahassee. The Donald Tucker Civic Center. October 24th. You know what? Cancel the gig. Nope. I'll be in Tallahassee, October 24th. Did I mention I'll be in Augusta, Georgia, October 7th?

And then I'll be in Su City, I would have added shows pretty boy world tours on kicked off in October guys I've added shows and and I'm living in a bus and then coming to Austin October All my shows are sold out. Are you really already sold out? Yeah, I still available in in Tallahassee and Augusta I got I got someone's coming up that'll need some help though. Don't worry. I'll do. Um, all right. So what's what's something you're a fan of?

Well, I think I'm only a legit where I go. I am a re like I'm a fan of for sure these three things. For sure. One would be college football. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, can I take something yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, can I take something that's fucking insane right now?

What? So I've had, you know, a lot of issues with my left hand, Yeah. Because of my injury in the nerve transfer. So I've been riding with my right hand, and my hand writing is better, and I think maybe I'm right handed, and I'm figuring it out at 42.

I'm like, have I write this with my left hand? You're gonna be like, that's clearly not the hand you write with, right? Wait, and so you normally write with your left hand? It's all I've written with my entire life. And so now you have to write with your right hand. And it's all more legible. That's definitely not. No, see that looks like a god day. You know what? And yeah, yeah. Yeah. Oh my god. So wait, is this look, is this look pleasable?

No. They look at my, that's my, the hand I don't write with. That's actually pretty good. Okay, okay, you know what I mean? Okay, okay, here we go. That's, this is good. Fans of, you are fans of College of a ball. I'm a fan of, I'm not a fan of College of a football. I'm a fan of I'm not getting a family college football

I'm a fan of Florida State Yeah, I used to be God that's the only team that I really follow yeah, it's it's a near if I watch the full game now I I'm like you know I start pulling out my will start like who I want to leave shit to because they are so bad. So I mean, the first game of the season, when they surprised the shit out of me going in overtime with Notre Dame, I was like, you know what? They'll have a good. I think you texted me or called me. And I was like, oh, this is going to be a good season, dude.

I was like, well, at least they're, you know, they're, they're, they're playing well and they took a good team into overtime. They lost a Jacksonville state and FCS school. That was a rough one. They lost a wake forest. They lost the Louisville. So they're own four, man. I know. They're bad. I think that when I show up, because I'm going to the game October 23rd. So we're in Orlando the night before. Yeah. And then we're flying in the morning of to go to the game and then flying back to Orlando that night. That's the shit to see to do the show.

Who are they playing? Uh, I don't know. It's actually I do. I've never even. Oh, you look it up. Look it up October 23rd. Yeah, look at Florida State football schedule. And I'm excited because I'm legit. I'm legit a fan of Florida State.

And I wonder if it's hit that third, the third that one right there. I wonder if it's because because I can make that. Okay. All right, so in each of the fucking 70 years that they've been playing football. Yeah, they would be favored by like six touchdowns against UMass This year it might be the only game that they can try to win tickets as low as $7. Holy shit I can see you that. That's not bad. I'm gonna play 7 ball. I told her to get a full point game. See, that's the thing is that like, is that I'm so bad.

I think, I think what's so cool, Florida's gonna fuck them up this year. That's funny. You're off on. I'm actually, I take it back. I bet that's where Florida State shows up. They're not going to show up for Miami, but I would like to take that bet. If you want to wait, the what's, what's crazy is I remember, They're not gonna show for my Emmy, but I would like to take that bet

The what's what's crazy is I remember I remember being in San Francisco one time We're doing shows my we were even breakfast and my brother-in-law goes one of There's a giant's game and I was like, I don't know and the girls were with us Leanne's with my sisters with us both my sisters And I think my mom my mom and dad might have been there, but they didn't go with us. I had to show that night, and I go, let's see if we can get to our giants tickets, and we got giants tickets and the nosebleeds. But to go to, like, to make it your lunch, right?

So like, playing your lunch, like last night, I made it my dinner. Like, I didn't, I didn't eat, I wait lunch, and then I took a nap, like a dead man. Oh my God. Your nap was So you're saying that was sweaty. You're staying in my place. I'm saying it my you are at our place at our place Yeah, that kind of is my guest house. Okay. That's my favorite room. I've ever been in I had so much fun in that place last night Yeah, oh my god killed both bottles of wine so it's bit fine

It doesn't count. You don't get to hang over. It's the last sugar. It's like the gain or eight of the gain or eight of wine. You, uh, I go, all right, you go, we gotta take naps. I go, let's take naps and then we'll go to the game. And then I'm like, be ready to, you know, we gotta, we're gonna be driving at 730. So just be ready by then.

Yeah. And then it's like six45 or something and I you would text me before you fell asleep some text in you back and you're not responding and I'm like hey are you up and then I call you and you don't answer and I go oh maybe the uh I didn't set you up on Wi-Fi yet I was like oh maybe he's not on Wi-Fi so he's not getting messages or so I go I'm gonna walk down there so I walk in I open the door and I hear the chime, it goes like, ding-ding-ding,

and I just look in and I can see you're on the, and then did you shoot up with a look of panic on your face? You're like, yeah. And I was like, and I was out of it. I was still out of it. I wouldn't serve if I was dreaming or not. And I was, I started sweating immediately, and I didn't stop sweating until we got in your neighbor's car.

I, like, you know I was sweating in his house, and I was like, I was at the game thinking, one of the noticed that I was sweating at his house, and I was like, I was pouring off my fucking face. You look so scared, and you had, that must have been a great nap though. Oh, so, it was so hard that I was like, I felt physically ill for like 15 minutes, where I was like, I felt physically ill for like 15 minutes,

where I was like, I think I might have AIDS. I literally was like, I was sleeping so, that bed. Let me tell you, we've so much shit to talk about. I know this is not a plug, but it is. That's a sautva. That? It's a sautva. It is the best, dude.

It's the best. Why are we sleeping on them? This, let me, so, so, I go to Tom's house. I get the whole tour. It's a beautiful house. I love it. We hang out with the boys yesterday, which was fucking hilarious.

It's hilarious because I've heard you talk about Ellis, but I've been spending a lot of time with Ellis. Ellis is, Ellis, mostly when you meet, meet Ellis, he's touching go. He's like, he comes up, says something to you you and usually what you say back isn't what he wants But so I thought I need to bring I need to come in hard with Ellis So I bought a bunch of gum Ellis is not allowed to chew gum But man the look in his eyes. He's like who's this guy. Oh this guy's comes this guy. There's no rules with this guy

And so and I had lost my shit. I screamed at him daddy called as fucker. Yeah lost my shit. I screamed at him. Daddy called his fuckers. Yeah. That's the first thing he told you. Daddy called his fuckers. I fucking screamed at him so hard. He, I got an IV in the morning,

because I felt like I was being run down. Yeah. It was just me and them. Hold on, we're going too fast. We're talking about stuff. Okay, hold on, IV, let's talk about IVs. Wait, go, so wait, tell us, because I show up drunk.

I'd come in from Vegas. Yeah. And I show up, I'd had a couple, I had a lot of cocktails on the plane. And then, but I'd paste myself. So I didn't usually, what throws me over the edge, is when I get the last one right before we go land it. Like when they go,

they go, all right, we're gonna be collecting cups and then I always go, okay, one more. And then they go, oh, you're gonna have to kill it. And I'm like, do the two of those playing it on. And so, you're gonna be shocked. And so, make it two and I'm really impressed here. And so I didn't get one like that. And I got into Austin, I didn't get anything to eat.

I had got coffee, I got gum and I got two bucks. I was like, oh, good. And I'm gonna do this, go down to the house and I'll read a book on the Taliban. And so, didn't do that. But, so we get there and you just look, you're like, Hey, I was cooked. And I was like, what's up?

And then Ellis is like, that he called us fuckers. And I was like, what's going on? He's like, you've come? And then he gets on my bag and he starts spinning. And I was like, I was like, this is a lot. You're like, I gotta go take a shit. And then I watch these two guys, and they're so different guys.

They're so different. They're so different guys. They're so different guys. Well, Ellis had, he went and got paint. And he was painting like on paper, and it was all over his hands and everything. And I was like, I was like, hey, put your clothes on for the, because he had pajamas on still.

Yeah. And I was with the little guy. And then when I went to go see if he was getting ready I saw paint on the walls And I was like and then I turned the corner. It's on the second wall and I turned the corners on the other wall Dude, I lit him. I was like I was so fucking mad I'm pretty so funny because I watched him because he still had the pain on the thing And then he took one of your Halloween decorations

and rolled it in the paint. And you go, Ellis, don't do that. And it's so interesting to watch him. Look at you and go, we're still doing it. Yeah. And then you go, don't get it on the counter. And he looks down and he sees on the counter. And then I just, whenever I go here,

I got it for you, buddy. And I clean it up and then he just keeps doing it. Yeah. And he's like, it's interesting to watch him. It's like watching tug on a tiger's tail. He goes, he's like, yeah. Like it's interesting to watch him. It's like watching tug on a tiger's tail. He was crying and he was like, you're being rude. I was like, what rude is painting my fucking walls?

Oh, so I was so mad at him. I was bummed that I didn't see them this morning because I was like, but I was fucking out of it. Okay, now let's go. Then he said, he also yelled at me. He goes, you're the worst dad ever. Wait till they do that when there's 17. You're a hypocrite.

You smoke marijuana too. So, okay, so, so I, wait, you have to wait, wait, wait, wait. You have to, before you get to all that, you have to tell my favorite story of the week so far, which is for your belt. Okay, so we go to Vegas the night before. Thank you everyone that came out to the park MGM. My weekend was kind of packed. I was, it's just started with I was gonna go to Vegas and come home. And then I hit you up and I was like, you know, we need, or hitting the doll about me, it's like we need to do an episode.

Can you come down to Austin on Monday? And I was like, you know what? Vegas Austin fam, come home. And then it was like, it was like, and then it was like, we'll come back to LA on home. And then it was like, it was like, and then it was like, come back to LA on Sunday, and then I was just like, I'm not gonna do that. We're gonna go see a soccer game. So I pack, I'm not good at packing succinctly. So I'm just not, I don't ever pack enough.

So I get to Vegas, I never even go to my room. I go straight to the green room. I get an IV, which IVs are the fucking great. Oh my god. It is the greatest I thought so much better after the one yesterday. It's not even a lot I mean it is a luxury because it's expensive. Yeah, but here's what it does for you And I got to be honest with you if we get an IV sponsorship I would fucking I would do reads for the rest of my life because what it does

I did it when we were in red rocks before the show and then the next morning before we went to Buffett And I did it for everyone because what it does is I did it when we were in Red Rocks before the show and then the next morning before we went to Buffett and I did it for everyone because what it does is it replenishes your system and makes it so you don't get sick and so like and with what's going on with the fucking world right now We flew in and I was like I'm just feeling a little rundown and I know for a fact that I'm dehydrated and if we can just fill me up with hydration, get me lit up with all the fucking the plutonium foremone or whatever, little torridol, just load me up with all the B12. By God, I told the guy, I was like,

double me up on the B, like really load me up he goes baller package, I go baller package. Do I go on stage and I was shaking? I was like, I think I had too much B12, I think I had too much B12. So I get an IV, I get rose button IV, I get Steve Fury IV, Andrew and Parfait get IV. Everyone gets fucking IVs again.

I'm like, guys, I could have just gotten one. And so, nine pizzas show up. I started eating pizzas. They're like, do you want a reservation at the steak house? I was like a hundred percent. So then I put on my jeans and I go, oh, shit, I ain't bring a belt. So I was like, hey, parfait, can you get me a belt?

And he's like, yeah, comes back. He's like, they do not sell belts on location. Here at the park, I'm jammed. And I was like, okay, I was like, what do you want to do? And he was like, I mean, I can give you my belt. And I go, you're fucking 135 pounds. I go, I need a bigger belt. And he was like, well, I got to have a runner go look.

And I was like, no, just never mind. I won't wear a belt. And Bill Boomeray is there. And he's like, no, you need a belt. You got to wear a belt. And I'm looking at Bill going on. I'm maybe yours and I'll fit me. And you can wear the same belt.

The Bill's guy, Bill's like, I'm not giving you my fucking belt. So one of the guys that works at the thing, they go, hey, we'll get you one of the security guards belts. And I was like, oh, I feel like shit. I was like, no. And the guy comes in and he goes, he goes, no, no, no, it'd be, dude, it's a story.

You kidding me? He's like, I'm a fat fuck just like you. Here, take my belt. And I'm like, okay. So he gives me his belt. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Oh Fucking broke last night. He gives me his belt and I go to put it on and I go to the What are you kidding me? You're oh you gotta be kidding me. I thought you oh shit my belt on feet And I was like it doesn't I was sucking in and then really tight and I was like, it does, and I was sucking in, and then really tight, and I broke it. Last night I was getting up, you can't walk with it open at the gate.

I opened it up, the second I sit down, I opened it up. I was like, it hurts so bad. It was like cutting into my stomach. I was like, I think I have a bruise on my stomach from it, and then it broke. And then I, yeah, I fucking, this is the belt now, is it fucking ripped off and I was like I like I was getting up from your upstairs And I was like I think I just broke my belt. Oh my god, and I so I fucking have this guy's belt

And it's broken holy shit. What size is that belt? It's just I think it's a it doesn't have a size 40 that belt. It's just I think it's a it doesn't have a size. It's 40. Is this what fat chicks feel like? God dammit. It busts up 40. I got a 40. What it's up dude it was on the last little fucking hole. It's like why don't they make holes to the very end? Like make it like, like hands across America. So you can really wear a belt. So it was on that last hole? It was on that last hole and it just fucking exploded. Holy shit.

And I was like, and I got down to the house last night and down to my house last night. And I was like, I fucking broke the goddamn belt. And I was like, now I don't know how I'm gonna do belt.. I was like, I'm not going to fit my, I got to fit wanting old belts. You got the old belts at your house. My favorite, my favorite part was when we were leaving, we were at that soccer game and they had bought my buddy, Mike bought like all the food because we went there with him. He was great. By the way, shout out to my question. Can we name this thing?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's a restaurant. Yeah, Torchies. Torchies, and he was fucking awesome, dude. He was so generous. Guys, he doesn't party, got his beers. He's like, you wanna come back smoke some more? And he bought a bunch of food. So he bought like pizzas and pizza rolls and nachos and tacos. Pizza rolls. Jesus. So we're sitting there.

And there's he bought so much of this excess food because there's other people obviously with us at the game. And when we were like getting, when the game was over, the game's over. I'm like, that was a great game. There's a hot dog still in the wrapper on the counter. You're like, you look at me and then you go, you grab it and you put your pocket on. I don't know. We were both goldboard grabs catch up and mustard packets. It gets better. It gets better. It gets better. So we're leaving. And this guy, he's, I saw him saw, see you earlier. And he was, I saw him like light up. And he was like, I saw him like light up. So we're going to the elevator to leave.

He's like, hey man, you're burnt, right? And you're like, yeah. And he's like, oh, big family. He goes, man, the hardest I ever left. And he points to me. And he goes, you were drinking a bunch of cool. Oh, that's not me. Yeah, you know, you have a tip.

And he was like, oh, okay, oh, you were drinking a bunch of cool. And then you not me. Yeah, you know, you know, it's him. And he was like, Oh, okay. Oh, are you were drinking a bunch of cool it. And then you were like, I can't believe how much fucking cool it is. And then he pitches it to his friends, his chick. He made his chick watch. He goes, he made me watch it. He goes, no, no, no, this guy walks around with a big growler. And everyone thinks he's being healthy, but it's filled with cool it. And this guy just drinks cool it. You believe that. And then Tom starts laughing. He goes, Hey, he's got a hot dog in his pocket right now and the guy goes really and I go look and he goes oh shut off We're in an elevator to an elevator with people it was it was great. Yeah Yeah, but that was oh man that made me laugh so hard that I I just kept picturing

Like what some of these you, venue security guys look like sometimes you're like your security when they have like that big barrel belly and he's like, hey I'm fucking fat like you. I am a big fat piece of shit like you. Huh? Here, you'll take my belt. This would be a good story.

I had to give birth my belt. Cause he didn't have a bring a belt. Shut the fuck up. Doesn't it fit you? You can't believe it. That's loose on me. But you said he's got one of those big belly, but real skinny weights.

Yeah, yeah. And my body. By the way, not that skinny. It's a 40 inch weight. Yeah. Yeah. He's a 40. He's a 40.

Is that a real skinny weight? By the way, his belly was aggressive. I bet. No, but I. Those are my favorite guys, like I'm security. You're like, what could you possibly do, man? The, the, God damn it, what was I just gonna say?

No, the, um, the fuck. The food at that place was amazing. Oh yeah, that was great. That was great. I'm telling you, I literally had a smile from beginning to end because I just was like, it's so cool.

I bet there's so many people in this country that go, oh fuck, it's soccer, right? Yeah. And then to see that people get together in a place and then go, oh this is what we love. And then they all celebrate it. It's so fucking badass. And then let's go back to fans,

shit, things you're fans of. Because I started, I was laying in bed last night because I go down, we go up, we have a gospel wine, I then bring two bottles down with me to my house, and then I turn on TV and I'm like, I'm like, well, I don't know what I want to watch. And then the 50, it was on MLB Network, the 50 best plays of the week.

Yeah. And 50 of the week. I've not all time. My beauty year. You're coming to an end. Yeah. Probably 50 of the year. Yeah.

Yeah. We really aggressive. Yeah. Like that's a quite a week of place. There are 50 amazing plays. But I'm sitting there watching it and I was like, I was like, hey man. Like I'm a, I'm a real fan of baseball. Like I played it. You love baseball. I grew up playing baseball and I had to disconnect from it. And I trying to think of the analogy. I was like, it's almost like, uh,

Like when you get married and you stop going to strip clubs and then you go to a strip club, you're like, oh, I forgot I fucking love these like I love these. And then you're like, oh oh yeah, I want to lap dance Hell yeah, let's get fucking wasted. Oh, let's do coke like that like that And so I watch baseball I watch these plays and I was smiling ear to ear. I was literally smiling ear to ear I was drinking wine. I was that fucking cheris. So guy damn comfortable And I'm just like this is great and I was I literally said to myself I am going to find more shit to be a fan of because when you're

Because to be a fan of something it brings you joy. Yeah, and then I was like why are people Why am I denying myself that it's great. Yeah, you're right So when you say you're a fan of hip hop try to dial it in like who are you a fan like who are you a fan of like I was a I'm a hardcore fan of stupidogs Yeah, okay fan of his like when he does stuff it makes me giggle. Yeah, I mean, I mean, I mean, you can go back to like where it starts for me, I guess I would be like,

EPMD tribe, Dela, then get really in the gang star. You know a lot of those guys, I saw Methamandu in an interview. But I'm, for sure. Oh yeah, but I. Yeah, I remember. Yeah.

And I wonder if it brings you back to a time when you, do you think it brings you back to when you discovered them? Yeah. When I put on, I think it happens a lot of people, right? You put on albums or songs, it can immediately take you back to that moment, or at least that time period. Steely Dan takes me back to Beach Week, in a closet, me, Kamin, Sean Hooker, Spencer Ford,

and just sitting there listening to for the first time, and every time I listen to that. And it's crazy because you go, someone was just saying this to me, and maybe it was you, but it was like, what is also cool is when you're a fan of something and you show it to someone else, you're going, hey, I want you to see a little bit

of part of my, we were talking about ILO, it used to be an anime. There was a period where she was getting bullied because she was an anime because she was into it. And then it makes you close up and go, I don't wanna share anything with anyone. Right. I don't wanna tell you what I like anymore

because I like this thing. And then you guys just made fun of me. And now I'm like, okay, go fuck yourself. Yeah. And I think that's what I was trying to do the math. But I go, I think that's what happens with the comic book culture is that, I wanna, what you're talking about right now

is how I realize it later about wrestling, like pro wrestling, is that that's like when I realized how much of a, it's just joyful and fun and people's passion. And like I still think it's gay as fuck, but I understand that like that's some people's fun, and I have to be like, yeah, I understand that like that's some people's fun, you know, and I have to be like, yeah, I understand. It's crazy because you, and then you take it back into cultural appropriation, right?

This is what I was thinking about all night last night. Yeah. I started writing like free long form writing. Yeah. And oh, by the way, everyone, I'm in therapy. If you watched the last week's episode, I'm back in therapy. And so I'm journaling every morning and I'm long form writing to get. And oh, by the way, everyone, I'm in therapy. If you watched the last week's episode, I'm back in therapy. And so I'm journaling every morning

and I'm long form writing to get my thoughts out. How's that work? It's going great. I love it. But it also is pretty much cementing the fact that I am out of my mind. Like the things I write down, I'm like, I'm really nervous.

I got travel with my journal and I was like, I don't wanna lose this. If I lose this, like, I'll be ruined. Like people will be like, Really? Oh yeah, oh god yeah. A lot of violence. No it's like, like one of the things I was writing about, no no no no, it's just craziness, it's like crazy talk.

Like the writings of a crazy person. Really? Yeah and then I'll write a page of my free-thorm thought, get somewhere and then I draw a picture on the other page. It's really crazy. Really? It's fucking very crazy. It's really crazy. Really? It's fucking very crazy. What's I thought without giving away?

Our conversation about paths. Remember our conversation about paths, what's that? Oh, yeah, yeah. That's not crazy. Yeah, but it is when you start telling people, like, no, this butterfly followed me for like a half a mile, and then I believe I was on the right path. And then, and then, like, and the way my brain sees things,

like, and then, and so, anyway, like the other day in my journal, you know what I did? This is really cool, is I was, I wanted to, this, I'm gonna, I wanted to see if, how many ways I could draw a stick man and make him look happy. Okay. So I just spent like 30 draw a stick man and make them look happy? Okay, so I just spent like 30 minutes destroying stick man like going like yeah

And then I was like I want you can draw a stick man and make him looks had and even with the arms down It's so like what are we doing guys? Yeah, that's right like that's what the part where everyone would be like What the fuck they got in my journal, but I was trying last night. I'm I'm sitting there going This is the time between cultural appropriation, okay? So, okay. So, your kid, your ostracized, let's say your name's the Doth, okay, and you're, and you find it. What a random name.

By the way, shout out to the Doth, running drugs all the way to Texas. She's with a stick around the back of the car and says, catch me if you can. He'll be here by the time this air is right. I hope so. So say you're a kid that is in the comic books, right? And let's say it's 1972 that you're born

and then you don't feel cool. The things that are cool you're not into but you find comic books and then you start growing up It's like Pat Naswell you start growing up. You're still in the comic books Yeah, and you've got comic books in your backpack and all the jock see you're like you still reading fuck comic books And then you're like you got to hide the thing you love so much right? Yeah, and and it's now it's 1980 and you still get A hide the thing you love and then all of a sudden it's like, it's 2000 and you're a grown man and you've got a platform and you see companies come in and start making the thing you are in love with for all these years that you had to hide.

And all of a sudden they're like, just so you know, this is what Batman's gonna look like. And it's the jocks that are now running, like the guys that made fun of you are like, we're gonna make money off this shit. And it's the jocks that are now running, like the guys that made fun of you are like, we're gonna make money off this shit. And it's the same shit with like, with like, I saw a Zizansari talk to David Cho, I think, about, I think I'm saying the name's right, but it is about growing up eating Indian food and having to take it to school and everyone be like, what the fuck? Is someone just shit their pants? What is that?

Yeah. And then, and then what it's like to now see everyone celebrate Indian food. Right. And then be like, go fuck yourself. I had to take this in my lunch box and you guys made fun of me. My whole childhood. And now you're popular. Now you're a white guy and you're opening an Indian restaurant. Yeah. Like it's, it's so crazy because that's the attachment you have to fandom. Yeah, you know

And then it pivots like with the Dave Matthews. Do you and the Dave Matthews when you were in like for a little bit for a little bit I wasn't like I can't say I was a devout devout guy But yeah, I was in I mean there was a couple albums that was really popular So yeah, you just you couldn't even get away from it really we saw him when he was young We saw the in Tallahassee and we all got, we're like legit. Like this, I mean, he is amazing. He still is amazing. I saw him recently in concert when I was in like a year ago, two years ago, he puts on a better show now.

He looks, he's in great shape. He inspired me to want to get in shape. Didn't have. He's in great shape. He's in great shape. He looks happy. I think he's sober. Like he just, you look at him and you go,

well that's what I want to be doing. I want he's sober. Like he just, you look at him and you go, well that's what I wanna be doing. Like I wanna be like having fun. But everyone's, everyone discovered him on their own, right? And everyone shared him and everyone was into him. And then all of a sudden, because he goes mainstream. And now everyone knows who he is. And your parents are like, hey there's Dave Matthews, guys good.

All of a sudden it turns people away from him. Oh, right. And because he had a little bit of a time where there's like a backlash of like, he's everywhere. Right. And it's such an interesting, I was thinking about last night, I was like, the key is to have some success,

but don't overexpose yourself. Which is, can be, that can be a delicate thing to balance, man. Like, how do you know? Cause I saw the, I think it was an interview with a tea pain was on some, um, podcasts or something. I think that he was a guest on. He was saying there was some time where his management was like, we got to get you

just out of things. You're on, you're featuring like you're on 20 people's albums. Just, so it's deliberate for like six months. This just not have you appear on anything. I think it's choice. Yeah, I think about that sometimes, where I go, but it's weird because I always had the thing of anyone asking you to do their podcast, you always say yes.

Right. Because I know for how hard it is to get a guest. Yeah. And then I started going like, I remember thinking, I literally, literally think anybody has to do say a podcast, you just say no. For real? Yeah. Oh, not because of exposure.

Oh, just because I'm tired. I stopped saying yes because I was running out of things to say. I was like, I can't do two bears one cave. I can't come up with that many things to talk about. Yeah. Especially because I, and then I would just repeat myself, I'd say the same fucking stories over and over again. Yeah.

And so, but there is a fine line. And I wonder if that's what happens when you see big comics. Well, when they start making it to other levels, because if you just do stand up, you realize that, I mean, you can't even put out really more than a special every couple of years. So that's not overexposing. No, because you're going away for a couple of years. It's when you start doing movies and TV, like what you're kind of doing but like if you start going like if you start saying yes to every offer of a movie the way you do podcasts yeah then you can end up being like this guy's

in like everything you know. Well there's that we're seeing that yeah but that's not gonna have both me because you don't only do you don't only play Santa Claus once. I would do I'll tell you what I do right now. I told this thing. Are you gonna be Santa Claus? No, I'm not gonna be anything. I've been... Do you know that you would kill it at Santa Claus though?

Yeah. Yeah. I'm not, I said to Kale, I said, I would, what I'd sign up for, because they're doing this with certain franchises, is I would sign up for four more machine movies. Like just sign me up for four. Let's do four more, and I'll never be in another movie again in my entire life.

And I'll make you happy. And I'm done, yeah, I don't need to be, I don't really need to act. I don't need to take away jobs from actors that can really act because I I can do what I can do what I can do But you see real actors you're like oh they that you should be doing this. I'm Zachary Levi should be doing this Yeah, yeah, or fucking Margo Martindale. Yeah, who's Margo Martindale? Well, she's an actress spirit That's why we were talking about a lot of Margo Martindale. Okay. This is flying by by the way Yeah

What's fun? We're in person. Yeah, I what Marko Martin deal? God, this is flying by by the way. Yeah. What's fun we're in person. Yeah, I like her name. She's a fucking actor. How do you know her? We did a movie with her. Oh, for real? Yeah.

She kills, what's she in? I mean, she's in the Americans. She's been in, she's been in countless movies and shows. You see them act and you go, oh, that's like, yeah. It's like, you know, she also was the type where like, you're just like hanging out like this and literally laughing about something, you know, just like having a laugh. Oh yeah, my god, later, oh we get, well, let's go get the fucking, let's get those cupcakes after we wrap and then they're like action and like, just, you know, delivers the scene

and you're sitting there watching her in the scene instead of being in it, you're like, holy shit. Yeah. And then they're like, are you gonna act too? And you're like, oh, did you want me to talk? Yeah. Yeah, that's the, um, her level.

It's funny, like, I remember, did you ever see Pat McAfee kick a soccer ball? Typing Pat McAfee kicks a soccer ball. He has a soccer background, right? He has a soccer background, but more importantly, he is a professional athlete. And you forget, I definitely often forget that when you are a professional at something.

He wasn't like casually punting in the NFL. Yeah, yeah. Okay, World's Fastest Soccer okay. World's hot no good at the video good at the video World's fastest soccer shot. That's it watch this watch how hard he kicks this fucking soccer ball, okay 124 miles no, yeah, so he did this he did a version of this I think in his studio with us not a 140 24 miles per hour, but probably a hundred miles an hour and And it is, it is so, he did it up against his wall. And it is so fast. It is so much faster than aiming you've ever seen

that you're like, oh, that's right. You've put in the 10,000 hours to do this. You're professional. Yeah. It's like, I mean, honestly, I swear to do this. You're professional. Yeah. It's like, I mean, honestly, I swear to God, it's like if I tried to perform dentistry versus, you know, like, you've punted a football before?

Yeah, not good. When you see guys like him punt, and you realize the skill set that they have, when they can do not just a booming punt but directional punting where they're like take a football and they're like, oh I can I got put a spin on it I can go end over it and I can also go like aim it to go over here. Are you familiar with Johnny Hacker? No. Put Johnny Hacker. He is punched for the Rams and he is arguably the most valuable player on their entire team.

Really? Because his punts, there was an article written up arguing that he should be the most valuable player. His punts, not just pictures, I know what he looks like. Go to the... Watch, well, can we, like his type in Johnny Hacker top five punts? I mean, he literally can place a ball within five yards, get it to stop. It's like, it's really, once again, we know what he looks like. No, no, he's going to be okay.

He's going to be. Oh, yes. He is just. He's probably out of the zone. Out of zone and zone. Oh, this is, oh, he's also a fucking quarterback. And he's also, that is a ballsy fucking call, man. Yeah. Out of your own end zone. She's a tiny hecker's a fucking bad ass, dude.

He's my favorite player without a doubt on the entire team. Look, I mean, this is nothing to do with punting, but the pun out of your own end zone and throw man, throw instead, that is insane. He, when I, when I, these are all, oh, it's just him. Yeah, throwing.

Just put in, in that search bar there, any any type in Johnny hacker punts. Look at this Oh my god, the guys the guys amazing. So what what made me fall off of them? Isn't there a punter named King? I don't know That has a guy this We mean boom. Oh my god dude., so he, he is the reason the Rams, like I read an article said, basically he's the reason the Rams are good because when they do have to punt, he puts the other team at such a deficit.

Look at this fucking booming punt. How far is that? And look at this. Yeah. Right there. Well, me and like football is a game of field position. So he's just, he's giving them the best chance possible You got to know when that what to take off of a pun look at these all these puns are within the fucking yeah, they're inside the 10

He so what made me like him. Yeah hard knocks. They had hard knocks and And he was back up quarterback. He was also the punter, but he's a backup quarterback. That's why they let him throw it. Yeah, yeah. And so he was, he was doing, he was talking with Jared Goff. Goff, who's, you know, a rookie and Hecker goes, I'm paraphrasing, I'm sure this isn't how it happened. But this is how I remember it.

He goes, Betcha can hit the crossbars from here. He goes like, no, fucking away. And he throws it and they're like, fucking 30 yards out, throws it, hits the crossbars. He goes, bet you $100 like a hit it again. And Jerk off's like, no way. And he goes, throws it and hits it. And he goes, bet you $500 you can't hit it.

And Jerk off just walks away. But he's like that gambling, gambling man of like, I have a skill, we see that was where kids went. I was really into baseball. just walks away. And it was like that gambling man of like, I have a skill. So we see that was where kids went. I was really into baseball. We would be like, I bet I could hit, like this, you'd say,

I bet I could hit the stop sign from fucking, you know, 90 yards away or whatever, 90 feet away. And then me and this guy got a brine were catchers and we're like, oh, we bet we could hit it from double. And so we'd go back further and hit the stop sign. And then you'd try to hit the sign

that has a street sign name on it. But I remember you get so queued in to your muscle memory and all that shit that you're like that it's not even like you're not even thinking about it. Sure. And that's why I love watching these baseball players play because I was like they're it's beautiful. It's like watching the soccer guys play. They're dancing around with the ball and I'm just like, God damn it, man. I don't even know if I'm that good. Like as these guys that are just playing in Major League Soccer. Oh right, right, right. Well, that's good. It's good to have doubt because I think it's important for what we do. I think they, it's, you don't want to have the kind of doubt that we have in an art form that they have in athletics Yeah, you know, and we type in that king name type in punter king last name king. I just want to see if I have that right

I think it was I thought his name was king they had like Reggie Roby was the real fucking gangster. Oh, yeah, I remember him I remember a buck stadium. Marquette King. He's a punner, right? Yeah, and I think he has, go to YouTube. He has like this wild fucking, like his biggest punt. 87 yarder there. Look at this.

Look at this punt, dude. How big of a punt is this? He was on inside his own 10. Yeah, that's... It's a 20 yard line. Jesus. Yeah, he... And then he went to the Raiders, I think.

I think he went to the Raiders. But like, Pat McIntyre has if he has got fucking hips on him. Look at this, look at this, look at this. Right. What? What? That's an 87 yard punt. Look at that.

I bet Redban would have been a good punter. Redban. Yeah. Why? He's got like thick hips. I bet we should get Red Band into punting. Now? Yeah, now. Just get him started.

Now, I wonder if he played soccer growing up. I bet he did. I wonder if those thick hips are from soccer. Like if that's all those soccer kids had thick hips. Cause Pat McIntyre would say to Colin, but there's no way he's awake. There's no way. Pat McIntyre has an ass on him.

Yeah. Like he has legit ass and thick. Like when he shits, you don't see any of the inside of the toilet. You just see ass. You just see dick thies and ass. Yeah. Like it is fucking packed.

Big old. He couldn't shit in those like, you know the small toilets. He's, Pat McAfee can't shit in there. At least if he does, he can't get his an in there or wipe his ass. You talk to him about this? I know, but I'm betting. I'm a betting man.

He's got his legs. Pull up Pat McAfee in shorts. Have you ever seen him in shorts? No. I've seen him in shorts a lot. A lot. Why have you seen him a lot? It's how we got married.

It was in shorts. Oh yeah. Pat McAfee. I saw that. That was so fucking weird. Yeah. Pat McAfee wedding photo or something. His fucking. Look at these fucking legs on him.

Look at his hips. He's like, he looks kind of like Rihanna. I don't know for how I have that hips. Look at that fucking legs. Yeah, those are simply... Look at those like, it makes that... Those are fucking ridiculous. Those are ridiculous.

You're telling me he can put a hand inside the toilet and wipe his ass? No. There's no fucking way. There's no way that if he sits on a toilet and it's a small hold toilet that he can get a hand through those thighs. There's no fucking way.

He's not wiping in the middle. He lifts up and wipes in the back. I just expose myself. Yeah, yeah, I wipe it for the front. Yeah. Fuck. Goddamn it. I wiped for the front. Yeah, fuck Damn, I can't believe I went this is did this whole fucking rant and realized didn't realize I was I was like It was like you you wipe down wipe I put my balls to the side and wipe this way

Wait, you go from the behind yeah, why always and then just pull it up your back. Yeah, you know, I did this morning What? What you do so you go you this is gross, okay? I couldn't find toilet paper so I just oh my god. I'm singing your house. I forgot Do there's no toilet paper there? No, there's toilet paper I couldn't find towels and I was like other under the thing they were finally yeah took a nice cold shower By the way, I couldn't turn I couldn't find hot water. And then you have, yeah, and you have, why do you have soft water? I don't fucking know.

There's no soft water in the house. It's just in the guest house? I guess. Oh, soft water. You can jack off, you don't need any lube. That's how slippery soft water is. Nothing I jacked off in your shower. Hey, you can check, I'll forever you want.

No, I jacked off one time with Leanne. Hey, you can check out for whoever you want. Yeah, no, I jacked off one time with Leanne, we were on vacation and they had soft water. And I was like, this is like, I was kept rubbing up on her. I was like, do you feel that? She was like, yes, I go, it feels like we're covered in lube. And then I just push out and play with my deck

and then I was like, hey, is this cool? She was like, do what you want to do? I was like, can I, mm-mm. She was like, yeah, it's awesome. Nice. But what are the benefits of soft water? I don't think that's it. I don't think that's it.

I don't think that's it. Kind of transition is that. What are the benefits of soft water? Will you type that in? Benefits of soft water. Yeah, well, like, why would someone have soft water? I don't know. Are you talking about the speed with which it comes out?

No, soft water. It's like, it's when it's slippery on it and it touches you. Oh, oh, I thought you meant that it's like there's no, no, this must have been a confusing fucking story. I thought you meant it's like dribbling out. No, no, it's, you got a great water pressure. That's water pressure. Oh yes, what I'm talking about.

You have soft water. You add stuff to your water to get slippery. I didn't add anything. I didn't know nothing being added. Someone's adding adding it Okay, cleans more effectively enjoying softer skin So what do you add House protected environment save a little money all that from soft water. Yeah

Let's do hard water software The raw untreated mineral rich water is what we call hard water. Okay. Most of us prefer not to have hard water on our homes, so we turn to something called soft water. Soft water is what we create by cleaning hard water to eliminate all of the harsh minerals it carries. This allows you to go to a conf content, the water, your various homes is clean, fresh, free from any unwanted elements. Interesting. It's a filtration system.

Yeah. I thought you had to put something in it like salt or something. And then I bet it doesn't clog up because like sometimes on our like on our shower, yeah, the water will be shooting sideways and you gotta click it, because there's like, minerals deposits in it. So you have hard water at home, we have hard water, but I think I might switch to soft water. Except for the fact that you don't know

if this soaps off you. That's true. And I actually have noticed, now that you're describing it, I have this issue in my shower, which is like, I feel like I still have soap on it. And it sucks when you have balls, because I have balls. Yeah, over here. Yeah, which is like I feel like I still have soap on it. It's like and it sucks when you have balls because I have balls Yeah, I have to Yeah, yeah, I maybe I'll switch over to soft water. Okay. It's just slippery

And you're just like the whole time you like like like I put on shampoo and then I was like under the water going Okay, come on. Is it out? Is it out? I was like, it's gotta be something, you gotta like kinda eyeball it with whether or not you're clean. You're like, okay, all the soap's off me. Yeah. A grub with soft water. What?

Just that it like, it's made that much of an impact on you. Oh, it was like, it was like an eye opener this morning. It's like bathing in a lube. Yeah, it does, you're right, you're totally right. And what's interesting to me is there, so like some red necks grew up on a well water and they can only drink well water. Really?

Other water tastes weird to them and well water tastes like farts, I think. That's all the minerals. That's amazing. All of mean, it's everything. That's everything. That's everything. Yeah. All of nature is in that water.

Yeah. Your kids. What? Why don't you tell the story about the cup of water your son got me yesterday. So, my oldest is a little, he's a little rascal. He's a little menace. He's a rascal's one way to put it. He fucking painted the wall. He's spinning on the suitcase. He's jumping off the shit. He's fucking a criminal. A criminal might be one or one way to put it. Painting the counter. Prancer is a one way to put it. Prancer all this shit. He's five. So he's like, he goes, yes, it's smile. He goes,

hey, Bert, I got you a glass of water and he's like, and he hands it to you. And he's like, try it. And then he starts laughing. You're like, why are you laughing? He's like, I'm not. He's laughing hard. And I'm like, I don't know, thinking about it yet. I'm like, what? And then hard. And I'm like, I'm thinking about it yet. I'm like, oh, what? And then you go, uh, where did you get this water? He goes to sink and he starts laughing. And then you go, you got this from the sink and he goes, yeah. And then I go, Hey, why don't you take it? And he starts laughing. He's like, no, I'm like, Ellis. And I look at him and I go, did you get this water out of the toilet? And he goes, no. Dead serious. Dead serious, no. I go, then you take a sip, he goes,

I'm not taking a sip. I said, I'm not gonna take a sip until you take a sip, because no, you take a sip and then I'll take a sip. And I go, you promise me. And he looks at me like, dead serious, and he goes, dead serious. I promise. And I actually go, I believe him.

You go, you believe him, it's fine to drink. And I go, okay, as soon as you drink it, Alex. And he goes, my face. And when he said he wouldn't drink it is when I was like hold on So I go over to the bathroom And I open the door turn line on and I see a water trail to the toilet directly like right from the Dung to Dan. Yeah, didn't even cover his tracks water dripping off the glass from the toilet over to where he was okay And I look in the sink the sink's totally dry and I'm like Ellis

You got this from the toilet and he goes he was. And I look in the sink, the sink's totally dry. And I'm like, Ellis, you got this from the toilet. And he goes, I'm sorry. Yeah, I'm sorry. It was like, but it was like, I didn't even ask for glass of water. It's his brain goes, I'll get him with the old toilet sink water. Toilet water. Toilet water. Just came in smiling ear to ear.

Hey, Bert, here's a glass of water for you. I was like, oh, thanks. And I was like, I am a little dehydrated. And then you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, where'd you get that from? He's like sink It was crazy to watch it yesterday, too before you got there. I was like, I need to lay down. I was like run down And I go, can you not just break, break shit and ruin shit for like 40 minutes? Yeah, and he was like, yes And I go just sit right here and watch this thing. That's all I'm asking you.

He was like, okay, and then like 40 minutes went by and he goes, are you proud of me? I didn't break anything. And I was like, yeah. Are you proud of me? I was like, yeah, I'm real proud of you, man. Thanks. Thanks for that fucking ruining the house.

It's funny too, because I look at it and I go, oh, you got everything ahead of you. Like right now you're in the weird park so it's like, what is he three? He's five. He's five. The other one's three. And it's like, it's like they're humans

and they can do stuff and they don't know they can get hurt yet. Like that's the thing. I love fell down our stairs, probably 20 times. He will jump off the, Ellis will jump off a counter Jump and I'll be like huh. Oh, I watched him I was like I was like done that hurt your feet and he was like no He was jumping off the off the couch onto the ground and then on the

And then he just grabs two hockey sticks. He's like we should fight And I was like I don't want to fight you and he's like come, come on, the harder you go, the better it is. And he swings it so fucking hard. Yeah. Yeah, I didn't have boys growing up. So I just also, dude, he's been sneaking candy. So he, the other day, he goes, I want to make a sandwich. And I go, okay, he goes, I'd like some privacy. That was me.

I'd like some privacy. I was like, all right. So he goes in the pantry and shuts the door. And I'm like, whatever man. And he comes out, he's made two sandwiches, one for his little brother. And I was like, that's really sweet, man. Yeah.

He's like, see, man, it was sandwich, made me the sandwich. I'm like, that's really sweet. And I go in the pantry to make sure he put the bread away. Yeah. And there's always a little candy wrappers in there. Right? And I was like, he little fucker. So the next day, I'm, whatever, a couple of days later,

I'm hanging out and I see him, like, I go, what are you eating? And he goes, bread. And I go, really? And he was like, no. I was like, I was like, you're eating bread right now? And he's like, mm-hmm. And I go, show me your mouth. And he goes, I could kind of like, I go, no, no. I was like, you're eating bread right now? And he's like, hmm. And I go show me your mouth.

And he goes, I could kinda like, I go, no, no, show me your mouth. And he's like, and I go, just tell me what you're eating. He goes, it's chocolate. He's like, it's just all day, dude. Oh, he's gonna be, he's gonna be an interesting kid to watch grow up. That's a nice way of putting it.

Yeah, it's, well, it's gonna be fun because it's not, I have no attachment to it. Yeah. So I love watching it. And it was making you crazy. You were like, you're like, enough. And then, and poor Julian's got fucking, he runs rough-shot all over that kid.

He does. All day, he just smacked, he smacked suddenly. Yeah, yeah, torches him. That's, it's so funny because I've heard you talk about him and I was like, there's no way he can be that like, that wild. And then you get there and you're like, oh, this is like, he's wild, he's wild, dude.

And the fuck, my favorite, my favorite, I'm not even gonna say, cause I'll wait till you talk about it on stage. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was the fucking, I could not stop laughing. We just haven't taken it down. It didn't work. It worked for like a day.

Yeah. I miss that. That's, I'm all get excited when I get a second wife and we start having kids again. Yeah. I can't wait. You really will do that? No, I wish I could.

I wish I didn't love Lee and the way I love her. Really? Yeah, I wish I just didn't care about her. Like, I don't, I just sucks because I'm like someone we were talking about with the other people, those guys last night and they're like, yeah, you're most being empty in the restaurant. I was like, yeah, I put a gun in my fucking mouth. Yeah, like, what am I gonna hang out with her all day long? Like, that's just me and her, just me and her. And she just, and Leanne's like, just a nerd where she's like, well, why don't we just get, we should just read a book. Can you imagine how fucking depressing that is? Your kids are in college and you go in and youranne's just a nerd where she's like, well why don't we just get, we should just read a book.

Can you imagine how fucking depressing that is? Your kids are in college, and you go in and your wife's just reading a book on a couch? Hey, grab a book, let's sit and read. I mean, that's like everything I didn't want to get married for. Like to sit and read a book or go through magazines. And just like, I'm't, I'm nervous, because we have fun.

Do you wish you could just get another house nearby and like stay in your life, but just kind of do your own thing? I wish, here's what I wish, okay. All right, I wish that I was on a boat, there's like a cruise ship, and the boat started sinking, and I rescued a young Lithuanian woman,

and we were stuck in a life raft, and the only way we could survive was through having sex, and I got her pregnant with triplets by saved her life, okay? And I saved a bunch of people's lives. But I had to fuck them all, okay? I got everybody. I had to fuck them all, but the, I say the Lithuanian.

Pull up what a Lithuanian woman looks like. I should really be clear with what my ones are. It might pull up like a Lithuanian. No, no, no, let's do, let's do, instead of Lithuanian, let's do young Swedish woman. Ooh, or Lithuanian. Oh yeah. Yeah, I'll go Lithuanian.

Okay. And I get a pregnant on this raft, but I saved everyone's life, right? But I got her pregnant and we had to have sex. I got cold that night. And, I mean, you could just hold her. And, but I had to have sex with her. Okay.

And then we get discovered, right? And holy shit. Yeah, I'll come to your wedding. Hold on, Lithuania find Lithuania women for marriage. Please go to that website right now. I wanna see what I can get. This is like when you're looking for dogs, but you already have three dogs. And then you just start sending pictures to your daughters.

That's a Mexican chick. Yeah, just blonde. Then we want blonde. I want blonde. You already done that. Yeah, I've already done the brunette. I'm not getting... Oh.

Amestasia, 18. I want you to have heart, heart, heart. I heart heart heart. I can read it. Ukrainian Kiev. All right, let's age up or 21's good. Colombian Natalia. She's hot. All right, clicker.

Find me. Let's see if we can get her. Oh my God. Let's get wives. Dude, yes. Let's wives and and we'll just keep them in their country Keep them in their country. Yeah, well, it's just it's almost like a like remember when you adopt a kid in In like a third world country and you'd give them like a penny every month and you could feed them Well, let's do that with wives. Let's get wives. Let's get wives for the show. We get wives for the show, right?

Let's just get pen pals. And then we send them like 20 bucks. I say we love you so much. I say we get, we get, we get two wives one cave, right? So we get these two girls in the same country and we enforce them to do a podcast. And we'll marry them. I guess you can't marry them.

We can't marry them. So anyway, I get this young Lithuanian old middle age little Lithuanian woman, probably they make her 27. Okay, she's I get her pregnant and then they discover me. They find everyone thought I was dead, right? They've already done like memorial services for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they discover that we're alive in a right life raft and everyone's like crazy for it. Leanne's like super happy and I go, hey, here's a deal. I got it up. Having sex with this woman to keep her alive. And now we have triplets coming.

And but Leanne's cool with it. She's like, all right, here's the deal. We're gonna move her into the house, the girls are in college. We're gonna raise those kids together and we'll also be empty nesters. Like I kind of wanna have kids. I wanna have kids again.

Like you do? Yeah, like I had fun having been being a dad. I looked it last time to look at all these guys with their kids And they're all the soccer game and you can see that they were caring about their kids They're like hey, what do you want to eat? What do you want and I'm My kids give you two shits about like doing anything like that with me. They they've already done it So they're like I'm good and like I just go I want someone to like look up to me again Like instead of like being like the creepy uncle behind Them trying to fuck with the most I was like who what colors are team like fucking white man. We're white

Um, but yeah, I would that's that's what I would love to be able to like I keep saying Leanna wish that I I wish you would be cool with me getting someone pregnant on the road The big ask and then she raises it. Like I just want, like she doesn't want to be pregnant. Right. And so I'll just like, like I get roofied and these girls all have sex with me and then they come back and like you got this pregnant and I'm like, man, it's not my fault.

Yeah. They did it to me. Yeah, yeah. How many did you get pregnant, you think? I would love three. I would love three. Pregnant at the same time? That would be great. Well, yeah, I can did you get pregnant you think I? Love three. I would love three pregnant at the same time. I'll be great Well, I can put three in the house. Do you think that once you got him pregnant? So they're let's say they're you know couple months pregnant and they're like I'm horny

That that Leanne would understand if you're like they want to have sex again though No, she wouldn't and I'd be on I'd be cool that you be okay. I just want the kids right now. Oh, okay I want the fucking I want want the, like, I remember one time the girls went with my parents back to their house and they left me and Leanne at the, at the beach. We were at the beach and the girls went back to my, into Tampa with my parents and it was definitely silent. Like, it was so quiet in the house and that was, I felt so sad. You're gonna be so weird at home alone, or home with just with Leanne. Yeah, I think I'll start drinking very early.

I'll just start drinking it like when I wake up. Like what are you gonna do? Do you have breakfast? You're like what are you just like, so then it's okay, let's play in this day out. So this and by the way, Leanne cannot wait to get into the nest. She cannot fucking wait. And so you wake up.

I'm gonna call you, like I'm freaking fucking eight o'clock in the morning. I get into pills, I'll get into, I'll start smoking weed a lot. But like, what am I, what else am I gonna do? Like you wake up, right? You wake up. So let's say I wake up at nine in the morning, right? Yeah. I get, there's no noise in my house.

I walk in and the end's just eating eggs silently in the kitchen. She goes, hey, I made you eggs, they're cold. And I go, cool. So then I eat cold eggs. And then that's 15 minutes. Yeah. And then what do we do for the rest of the day?

She's like, well, I was thinking about we could go, we could go get some knick knacks from the store. Hang up. Hang up. So it's just me and her and the car silent. Yeah, she'll be like, summer's coming up. We can get some summer stuff for the house. You know what it'll be, it'll be going.

The girls are thinking coming back in November. Should we get some stuff for the girls in November? Let's let's dress the house up. We'll be just planning for the girls to come home. Yeah, like it bums me out so bad. We'll be just planning for the girls to come home. Yeah. Like it bums me out so bad. I kind of hope Georgia doesn't go to college and just stays home.

You want that? Yeah, and just like a Kardashian. If I could get her into being an influencer and just stay at home and taking pictures and I'll get drunk in the cheeseburgers and the fucking shower. And she can just get viral videos of my dad. Ah, finally leave. I don't wanna leave I love you like I wish I like I want her to

go to college so I want to have a great life and have a great experience but selfishly yeah I would love for her to be like I'm not ready for college I want to take a year live here and work I would love that. I don't want, and when I look at those college, fucking kill me in my sleep. I can't, I, I'm gonna just, I don't know, like, and then the end's like, I go far. That's gonna be weirder, right? Because there's a whole possibility, like, you live in L.A. They could go to L.A. schools, they could go to California schools, even Arizona schools, let's say. Yeah. I know it's all kind of, but also like, one of your kids could be like, not, I want to go to, to be you. I want to go to N.Y. I want to go to my buddy's son just went to

Emory. And I was like, and I was like, I was like, ah, it's like a six hour fucking flight. Yeah. It's a six hour flight. And then you're in Boston. I think it's a message too. Like, I remember when I graduated, and I was like, I could pick I was gonna go to either New York or LA. I think I I think part of me chose LA because it's so far from my family. Really? And I wanted to be. I wanted to be far. Funny I didn't I moved to LA but I didn't want to be that far from my family. I remember thinking I'm really far but I moved to I never even thought about that. And my sister's both moved to LA. Yeah. When my parents are like I'm like what but I moved to I know I never even thought about that and then my sisters both moved LA Yeah, when my parents are like I'm like, what are you guys doing at Florida?

But that you call them and there is what are you guys doing? Just having a drink? Having a cigar. That's all that's all they do got in the pool got out of the pool got a drink got a cigar It's like do you ever you ever been you ever been on vacation by yourself? Just by yourself like where you go to like like what I lived in the Universal Sheridan for like seven months when I was, when I was 26 years old, Will Smith put me up there and it was like leaving Las Vegas. Like I would get up, I'd go over to his office,

the overbook office, we'd take a meeting at like 10 a.m., and then I had nothing to do. I'd go back, see if the bar was open, I'd have a drink, go to my room, take a nap, wake up, work out, they had an arcade in there, I get margaritas, start playing video games, and then just drink all night long by myself and just go like,

so this is what, like I don't understand what like Taylor Tololson does, where she just sits there and just does, this is nothing, like what do you mean? She doesn't drink or do drugs, she sits there and goes, all day. Like, she sits in a hotel room and just goes, like, I don't get that. But she might be watching things, reading things, writing. Yeah, reading.

Oh, fuck. Can you, like, you can, you can, you can only jack off once. You can do more. Yeah, but it's, it's a diminishing diminishing return after the first one. It's true. One good one and then everything after that is like, I just don't understand. I don't understand. Empty Nester is like the saddest thing. For me right now that I can't imagine. They were talking about last night and I was like, oh yeah, I don't know. I was like, I'll just come on the road with you. I was like, you're in for a rude awakening.

Because you're living on the tour bus, by the way. Like you're living on the tour bus with us. And like, what the fuck? That's probably fun for some of the- I love being on tour, I'll just tour through my life. Well, I think she would be like, this is fun for one run. For one run. And then she'd be like, this is fun for one run. For one run. And then she'd be like, this is...

Do you think that I'll find... Do you... I mean, I'm joking half of this, but I'm being dead serious. It really does depress the fuck out of me to think my kids won't live with me anymore. Like it really does. Do you think that I will find some sort of joy in it? Like that I'll...

That we'll find like a happiness and just us living in a house with no one else. Yeah, because you'll find something that you'll discover a joy. We'll get into tennis and then we'll just be the couple that comes back from tennis. We're like, huh, I'm gonna shower. What I'm gonna shower do. You'll start booking dates based on where there's good tennis. Yeah, where you can play well.

Hey, we can go play a little saddlebrook, and she's like, I'd love to play saddlebrook. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those are the composite courts, right? Yeah, hun. Get your composite shoes. Ooh, I'm packing bags for both of us. I'm more like matching glows.

Oh, it's so depressing. Even tried to juice it up, and it just sounded so depressing. It is. Well, maybe we can curtain Courtney this and just both get into heroin and just, wow. I'd love to get into drugs more.

Yeah. I'm like, I'm like, we're gonna take a little bit of a break, I'm bummed out thinking of a being an empty nest and I'm watching my friends go through it. Yeah. And like, dude, dads are crying. Yeah. Do you drop your kids, dude, dads are crying. Yeah. Dude, you drop your kids off school and dads are crying.

My buddy, my buddy, cried dropping his kid off college. He cried at the dorm. Yeah. That's when a man, like, I get like, I get like a mom's losing her baby. But when a man's like, this is it. It's over.

The fun times are over. No more catches. No more fucking, hey, who wants to watch a movie? No more like, hey, I'm making pizza. Like, hey, who wants pizza? Who wants to get Chinese food? Oh, dad, you ordered so much. I know, I know. Hey, let's go swimming in the pool. All the fun shit of being a parent. Just just goes away and then all of a sudden it's just you're like. It's like it's kind of crazy. I want I'm by the way, I'm bet there's people listening going, oh no, I want to hear from the parents that love it. That love it because I want to hear from the parents

that love it. Well, here's one thing you can look at it that is a, I think, upside. You can be spontaneous again. You can't, like, you don't have to think about the well-being of some people in your home. You can be with your wife and be like, let's go to New York right now?

Or you can just do things. You can, you know what I mean? You don't have to think about, are you guys gonna be okay? Are you gonna, you know what I mean? Like you just go like, you can just go like, and let's go to San Francisco for dinner.

For sure. Oh, that's pretty bad, that's pretty cool. Hey, do we have an email here? So we can get them in the next episode. Yes. If you're an empty nester, will you email us email here so we can get them in the next episode? Yes. If you're an empty nester, will you email us things that are positives? It is a two bears one cave.

It's a, you know what? It's on the lower third right now. Yeah, it's on the lower third. All right, we gotta go. Thanks, love you on the lower third. All right, we got to go. Thanks. Love you too. Bird time, time and bird. One goes top and swap the other.

Where's the shirt? Tom tells stories and birds, the machine. There's not a chance and hell that they'll keep the clean. Here's what we call, two bears one cave. No scripts, a be the booze amateur for topology. Dirty jokes, ronti humor, no apologies. Here's what we call to bear's one cave.