2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 103 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: October 18, 2021

SPONSORS: - Head to https://PolicyGenius.com/CAVE to get started right now. Policygenius. When it comes to insurance, it’s nice to get it right. - Go to https://saatva.com/theshit for $200 off your order - Visit https://mudwtr.com/bears to support the show and use BEARS at check out for $5 off - Go to https://birddogs.com enter promo code “BEARS” and they’ll throw in a free Birddogs Whistle Tip Football. - Go check out https://AdamAndEve.com today, select one item and get 50% off including FREE shipping when you enter offer code BEARS. Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer are back in the G-Bay studios out of Austin! They talk about the new James Bond movie "Tomorrow Never Dies," and how Bert's biggest problem with movies is wanting to do his own stunts. Bert also reveals his love for Jessica Chastain for the national treasure she is. They go over small baller moves and ask for some fan submissions. Bert then reveals he JUST found out he has long balls. How long? Absurdly long. The bears discuss how they met their wives, and then describe the hardcore love scenes they want to shoot in the movie they're filming together.

They're baller moves and baller moves kind of fucking like Speaking of balls, you want to see my balls? No, okay 100% I'm already for black female Oh god, I am What are we started I think so what a problematic movie that would have been in April 2020 Oh, yeah, yeah, you didn't know that Yeah, because you didn't know that

So many check so many boxes For people that don't know We're walking it was a great fucking movie. Yeah, we went to see the new James Bond and by new We mean the one that was shot four years ago So we're walking we're walking to the theater and I go, you know, this was supposed to come out a while ago. And he said, no, I didn't know that. And I go, yeah, they shot this like in 20, I think 19. And it was supposed to be released.

I believe it was April of 2020. When you know, like you just did your first feature. Yeah. You know that like the money goes into, obviously shooting the movie and the marketing. When you have a Global franchise like double of seven. We're talking about hundreds of millions of dollars. Can I tell you that I

Just want Hollywood to know this You're not ready for a black lead. No, no, no, no, no, okay. Okay. no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no Yes, I want you to know Hollywood producer whose questioning should we increase the budget? I want you to know. Oh, it means a lot to me up it up it Yeah, and by the way movie theaters are back. We went to a movie theater last night I would say you made it back I don't know if this movie theaters are back because if you don't know there was nobody else there So movie theaters are not necessarily back. But if we keep doing that, they might be. I had a sausage right? Wait, were you look up? It was no time to die. Is that what it's called? What was the budget? Is it sometimes that give you like, I'm guessing with one of guess, I'm guessing the budget for shooting was 170, 180, and that this marketing budget will probably be like 150.

I think it's really. Yeah, I think it's gonna be, they don't want to even need to market that. Like I'm gonna see a James Bond movie. Well, it's probably different now because it used to be all about the box office and it's definitely not gonna be just about the box office now. There's gonna be somebody,

I don't know who owns that, like whether it's Warner, somebody's going to, it's going to lose money. That's the thing. You think? Yeah, because it's such a great fucking movie. But if this would have been February of 2020,

then this would be like in the theaters in China, in Europe, in the United States, and you have people going buying tickets, and now the theater business has changed. Movie theater business has changed. The movie theater business has changed. It's crazy because I couldn't stop thinking about, I couldn't stop thinking about me in the movie I made. Can you make that, what does it say?

250 to $301 million. Let me tell you something, it's worth it. It's worth it. God. It was so fucking, I have so much money. That's so much. I bet there's, I want to know, I want to know the biggest extravagance on that budget. It's probably like a shot.

They're like, nah, we can't use this. I mean, did they shoot that on the Great Wall of China? I don't know. I mean, they definitely had like a real fucking destroyer out at sea. It's looked like it really launched. Yeah. They really, I looked like they really launched my shorts.

They were doing, I mean, that's the thing is I'm with you. I appreciate, I also appreciate the fact that like, you know, with the mission and possible, that it is an escape. It's a ride. It's an adventure. It's what I can think about. Anything else. I mean, I thought about, here's what I thought about

the whole time is, is number one, I didn't want, I was lobbying very hard with legendary, and I'm still lobbying. To B. James Bond? No, no, no. To, no. No. No.

No. No. I was lobbying to be, by the way, don't think I wasn't thinking about our next movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And our sexiest, we gotta talk about our sexiest. Sexiest, sexiest. Oh, right down, a fucking Jessica Chastain is my, I'm a fucking new fan. She is fucking amazing.

She's, by the way, she's not like a new arrival. Really? I've never seen her. She is fucking amazing. She's, by the way, she's not like a new arrival. For real, then. I've never seen her in, I mean, I know she was a Mollie's game, but like, I didn't know that it was the same girl. I thought, I thought it was the girl from Mad Men. It's not the girl from Mad Men. You know what I'm talking about, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jessica Chastain is worth whatever Hollywood's paying her, pay her more, and put her in every fucking movie. Yeah. She is gorgeous. She's not even gorgeous. She's someone that you get when she showed up on the big screen, I went, that's what you're supposed to look like when you're on that thing. Yes, and not only that, I would also throw this to Jessica Chastain. My friend, Bert, is willing to do a love scene with you. And I'm an actor and I'll act for about five seconds and then you get real hurt. You're like, wait, wait, is he drooling? These are noises that I've never heard of on camera.

She is fucking amazing. There are no movie, or no movie with the female assassins. Yeah, yeah, I don't know. I'll see it. Here's the thing. I want to go to movies theaters all the time now because I had so much fun there last That was a lot of fun going like that reminded me because when the pandemic was exploding and they were like movie theaters movie theaters one of the first things they're like they're completely shut down I mean it made sense right in closed spaces all you can think of is that of that movie

All you can think of is the movie outbreak where they show you how a virus spreads. And it's in a movie theater. And that's all you think about. And then a lot, I mean, some of them, I don't know, there's franchises or the movie theaters that are already shut down for good. They went bankrupt. Yeah, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center,

center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, center, The arc light. Yeah, yeah. Sino-Ranadome. Sino-Ranadome. What is it called? Yeah. We'll just say arc light. It's a bit it's a Sino-Ranadome. Sino-Ranadome. Sino-Ranadome. Sino-Ranadome. What is it? Sino-Ranadome.

There's two. Sino-Ranadome. Sino-Ranadome. Sino-Ranadome. Every time I see a person, he has a Sino-Ranadome. I always think about Ryan's old roommate. Oh, Louis Bitt. Yeah. Such a bluntness. They need a fucking Sino-Ranadome. Do you know about Ryan's old Ryan's old roommate. Oh Louis bit. Such a bluntness thing to fucking Do you remember do you know about Ryan's old roommate? Do you know the sickler no sickler had a roommate and I used to hang out with him all the time and this guy

He was he was like going on benches because he was super depressed And he would go to synabond and come back with a six pack, not of the little ones of the full size ones. And he would eat four and the inside of a fifth and then leave the six and the outside of the fifth. Drink it. Two liter Pepsi Max. Wait, how big was this guy? He got bigger.

Dude, it feels so good to let go like that. Like when you just go, I'm fucking doing it. I remember one time taking the top half off a cake of a birthday sheet cake during a throwaway. I was like, I'm gonna eat all the good parts. Like just like all the frosting, but just not the all the meat, not in the sense eyes. Just cut it in half, folded it, and just,

hiya! It feels so good to like go like that. It just sucks when you, and then when you have to rebound, you're like, oh my, like last night, when I'm sitting next to Nidav, I swear to God, my chair was smaller than everyone else's.

And I had to undo my pants to watch the movie. That's true. And then I looked at Nidav and I was like, you know, right? And he's like, we need to lose weight. The dog whispered to me, he goes, will you be my account of billi-buddy? I wouldn't fucking die. That's not what I said. You did struggle.

We were sitting there watching this movie and then you start like moving. You're like, I'm like, the fuck are you doing? And then you, I see you open your pants and you're like, yeah, no, that's good. I'm like, I'll sit in it. This guy, this poor fucking belt. I are just a new belt right? It is a new belt, but you do this belt is folded like a wallet It's like a stomach You know how about supposed to be like that?

Yeah, yeah Look at this fucking thing Look at this fucking belt, I'm taking it off So that I'm more comfortable Look at that. That's my fucking belt. That's my, dude. That's a struggling belt, man.

Where'd you get, is that your belt? This is my belt. This is my good luck belt. Here's, this is the loop I was at when I was shooting the movie in Serbia. Okay. This is where I'm at right now and this is the fattest I've ever been. Have you ever used the fattest one?

I'm not on the fattest right now, I'm right, I'm right here. Okay, when were you at the fattest one? I don't fucking know, but I just, that's bad. What are you at now? I could never wear a cowboy bell buckle, cut me. I'm gonna give this guy a break. What are you at now? Probably 240, seven, probably around 250 this morning. And when you're fat, everything seems small.

Yeah. Like I go into the bathroom and like the fucking, goddamn, fucking wider, we're getting a door. And then I was like, I feel like Shaq, like Shaq must feel like that. Yeah. Where everything's like fucking small. And I'm like, God damn it.

I feel like the toilet my knees are hitting something. Well, you know, to be fair, you have been getting taller. I- Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- I was like, I wish they would give you, oh, I'm not done talking about James Bond, by the way. No, we shouldn't. Okay, okay. I wish they would give you at the end of a meal. I wish you ate like a parachute, you know, with a string on it. So that as you were shitting, you'd feel the string come out

and you'd be like, oh, I'm gonna pull the parachute and then all that food will come out. And your body won't absorb any of it? No, you would just get it all out. Like I missed the shit yesterday. So I'm, travel days are, they ruined your shit. So I'm backed up and I'm like, and this morning I tried shitting a shit yesterday. Travel days are the ruined shit. So I'm backed up and this morning I tried shitting and I didn't feel like I had to shit.

And now all I do have to do is feel like I have to shit. That's why I like hot sauce. Cause I feel like it's a marker. Like you know where your food was. You know what I mean? Like it's like, am I making sense? Yeah, I get it. When you eat hot sauce and you're like,

okay this burns, you're're like oh that was that That's really important to know I just realized if I take a drink of laugh I'm gonna spit in your face please don't oh so By the way heads up in therapy doing a lot better. Just to be clear. Good. Yeah, yeah, being really good with my all my fucking little tics. All right, let's go back to first of all. Let's go back to James Bond. James Bond. Okay, first of all, big fan of a big budget. I thought they did a pretty cool story,

something really unique that we won't, we don't have to give away all this money. We don't have to give away all of it, but what I find, you said to me, you go, this was, like, very important. Yeah, this was supposed, so this was supposed, all that money is spent, and like I said, and this is like when you see like those Marvel move,

like Bond is a huge global franchise. It's supposed to come out April of 2020. So theater starts shutting down. They start, they do weird, like the big role the dice was the Christopher Nolan movie. What was it called? Tenet. Tenet. Tenet.

So he produced that. I just called it by the wrong name. Yeah. Tenet. So I loved tenet produced that and I just call it by the wrong name. Yeah, tenant. By the way, I loved Tenant. I watched that maybe 20 times. Well, yeah, you can watch it 20 times and be like, I think I understand the first scene. Yeah.

But it's, you know, it's an amazing movie. Like box office-wise, it's a big loss because they let it, they put it out during the pandemic, thought maybe some people would go and, you know, whatever, then they sold it on, you could buy it. It just wasn't, it was horrible timing, right? Yeah. So people like the bond producers are like, well, we're not going to fucking see what happens

with our $300 million movie. Yeah. So they hold on to it. It's brilliant. Then they were going to try releasing it. I think it was November or December of last year. Like, and they're like, no, we're going to hold it again. Well, now they're just holding onto this thing,

so they finally put it out now. So that's the whole point is that this movie was gonna come out April 2020, which was the height of everything being shut down. And there are so many things that you go like, so this would have just made people fucking... I mean, there's, first of all, there's bio has, like, there's viruses. The plot line, and I don't think we're giving anything way,

I'm sure you could read this, is there's a virus. Made in a lab. Made in a lab that's gonna be released, and it kills people. Yeah. And you know in roughly in December, they were like, they were probably all the producers were like, pictures locked, we're talking advertising,

I'll be honest with you, this is a coronavirus thing. We might be able to piggyback on that. I'd be good marketing guys this coronavirus thing you might be able to piggyback on that I'd be good marketing guys Catch lightning in a bottle And then and then I bet come mark come February they were like all right all right, so We're gonna I guarantee you this thing goes. Uh, well Everyone get locked down for like a week or two, we come out in April. And they're probably like, it's gonna play weird in China.

It's gonna play weird in China. But, fucking, March 17th, they're like, okay, we have a very problematic movie. Yeah. But it's stuff, it's fucking hilarious to me. Like the little things, like obviously the plot line is virus, which now that they release it now, you can see past all of that. Like all the things that you were close to, you can, or I have distance from. But like just little things like James Bond comes out of a bodega and he's looking his fingers.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's like, you're just those people like their fingers. No, no, you can't do it And then at one point they're like we just need to get a little our little bubble like he can't use that word The bio has my shoes. Oh, yeah, it was but it's like I'm'm glad that it would have been tough to watch in April. It would have been possible to watch in April. It would have been tough to watch. I mean, also, yeah, they would have sold 19 tickets.

Yeah, the other problem. So, here's, okay, so I watched the movie last night and I realized why I hurt my arm. Oh, yeah, you said that right. What was happening? Is there some wild stunts in this thing? I mean, insane shit. And what a movie like this does. And this is what is great about it.

And this is why I appreciate them spending that much money. Is you think to yourself, I wish that was me. Yeah, I wish I was James Bond. I wish I could have one martini and then go to work. You know, I wish I could make love to the beautiful woman or or or oh, oh, right down black chicks. In the middle of the movie, I realized I am very attracted to very dark skin black chicks. Very like very dark. Pull up dark skin black chicks. Like, but this is a hard pivot. Oh no, leave it on Jessica Chastain. Leave it on, I forgot it. I forgot it. Jessica Pull up the dark skin black chicks like but this is a hard pivot Oh, no leave it on Jessica Chastain leave it on check. I forgot I forgot Jessica Chastain

Get by the way, I would leave Lee am for Jessica Chastain. I would like I would And I'm like I would probably bring her with us. I'd be like hey, she's gonna do dishes She's gonna raise the kids are here for one more year, but me and you just get to see this fucking gorgeous What movies is she been in? I don't know I don't know off the top of my head, but she's definitely been in a lot of stuff She did that one like her Born identity movie that came out like yeah, yeah, like where she was the what's it called? Go is her new movie what's her new movie called I'm gonna go see that 367 or something 36 mafia go what is it called the good the three three the three five Is Ava the one Ava she's an X-men? I don't know.

Hit Ava. Yeah, that's the one where she's like the spy, you know, and it looks like the new one is going to be more of this, it seems like, right? I like it. Yeah. I like it. And by the way, I'm also gonna be really into a dumb not done talking about bond

The fucking pediflect at Dave Damon movie, which one where he's got to scar in his face and his wife gets sexually assaulted We watched the trailer for it yesterday. I think I was peeing. Oh fuck looks good really and the two of them together Yeah, and I like when they get work together. We should do a four-way movie with me you batame in a pen of black. Okay What would that movie be you said you were into Ben Affleck's ex that was in the bond movie, too Holy fuck yeah, dude I think I just went on the road too long. This one. This one last the last duel. Oh, okay Yeah, and you know what you know why cuz I was listening to Rogan one time and they were talking about dueling scars I just went on the road too long. This one, this one, the last duel. Oh, okay. Yeah, and you know what, you know why? Because I was listening to Rogan one time

and they were talking about dueling scars. Like apparently, their dueling scars were like a big fucking deal. If you heard this, Rogan, talk about this. Pull up dueling scars. Dueling scars was like a big deal back in the day. Everyone had dueling scars. And it was like a sign of how much of a man you are if you had a dueling scar.

Oh, so you're in some shit. Yeah, I saw this on Rogan and I, oh, my assulting goes when I look at it. Pick up the, pull the images and show them a dueling scar. So like everyone had a good dueling scar. That's a Nazi, he's got a cool one. Uh-oh, actually it was all Nazis that had dueling scars, my bad.

Yeah, it was all Nazis. Come in, look at that dueling scar. Now look up Anna DeArmas, I think that's her name, A-N-A. And so that was Ben Affleck's? Armast, A-A-R-M-A-S. That was Ben Affleck's girlfriend? Normally you'd think his girlfriend wouldn't be able to act you'd think that right you think he's like He met this hot chick. That's her. Yeah, she can fucking act. She played a great part in this bond movie

No, she's a great act. She was great. She's a great actress her she was it was funny. It had heart Who else is she been in? God man? There's so many fucking, now the movies are back, I'm like pumped up. Yeah, yeah, I can tell. And it seems like you like every woman that appears on screen. I mean, Jesus Christ. So here's what happened. Yeah.

So I'm watching the, I'm watching the motorcycle scene, right? Yeah. Oh, right, right, right. And I'm watching to see if it's as stunt double. It has to be obviously. Well, it depends. He obviously wrote it on certain frames. But then there's one time where the motorcycle jumps off of stairs and lands on like a plaza. That's not him. But I had a real problem detaching from I wanted to be in all the action scenes.

I wanted it to be me. Yeah. And I think that was my problem, because I wanted, when I saw the movie, I wanted to know that was me. Right. And when I watched that, I realized it doesn't matter. Doesn't.

You want it to be better. Right. And then you ended up using a stunt double for some things, right? We used a stunt double for a couple things. Yeah. But I got hurt because I wanted it to be me. Yeah. And that's where I fucked up.

Well, the time you got hurt. But I think it even still, and I haven't seen them, I haven't seen the movie. I think when I got hurt, you're glad it's me. Do you use the shot you got hurted? Yeah. And did you know right away you were hurt? Oh, yeah.

I felt fucking three pops and I went, I just, I think I just blew out my tricep. Really? And they were like, for real? And I was like, yeah, I was like, I know I did. And it was a big fall. Yeah, it was, I can't really tell you what it is. Okay.

But and I, and I can see the scene where I got hurt and then I asked anyone else, can you tell I'm hurt? And they're like, no. And they're like, wait, when did you get hurt? And I showed them everyone in the movie and they were like, oh no, I can't tell at all. And I was like, can you tell in this scene that I am hurt?

And they're like, you were hurt? And I was like, oh yeah. Oh, I was like, it was pooling blood, like all the, everything's purple. You saw the picture of that, right? Yeah, you saw me the picture. And so, but I put, when I got hurt, I said, I mean, I'm not gonna give too much away,

but I said to my director, I was like, so I'm hurt, like I'm legit hurt. But I am not gonna feel this really bad for like, in probably like 30 minutes. So let's do everything we can for the next 30 minutes and just do it as much as we can. Because it's not going to get worse. I'm in my head. I was like, I'm definitely, it's funny because I told him I said, I'm definitely going

to have to get surgery when I get home. But right now we're here and let's not worry about that. We'll worry about it then. How much time was left to filming when you got hurt? Like a month. Are you still at another month? I don't know. So I had a month where I was like, and by the way, and you,

for my, and I think that's probably why I had surgery, I had to get surgery because it was all retracted, but I just, I just was like, fuck it. I'm gonna, and there's a lot of things I do. Where I go, you can't tell I was hurt there, and Leanne's like, you were hurt there, and you did that. You blew out your tricep and you did that, and I was like, oh yeah, because in my head I was like, I'll give, I literally said and you did that. You blew out your tricep and you did that and I was like oh yeah,

cause in my head I was like I'll give, I literally said I will give my left arm for this movie. If it's fucked up forever, I'm not gonna ruin this chance to be in this movie. And I'm watching fucking James Bond last night and I'm going that's why I got hurt. I got hurt because I wanted that to be me. Yeah.

And I was like mother and I was like, I don't have the ego to separate the two. I've like, my ego is out of a little out of control. And when I watch a movie like that, I want to be on the motorcycle. Yeah. And I would be the guy going like, put me in motorcycle classes.

I want to be the guy that does it. Yeah. Because what's crazy is you forget how good a fucking stunt man is. Oh my god, those guys. And they're, like I actually thought about the stuntman and that shot we're talking about where the motorcycle goes up the stairs

and it launches and then it lands and it's clearly somebody doing it. I was like, that guy deserves a fucking paycheck. All you see is the back of his head and I got so bummed. And I was like, that guy gets, should get more money than, not to say Daniel Craig is not an amazing actress. And he did a great job with the character, everything.

But in a weird way, Daniel Craig gets the applause that the stunt man earned him. In some things for sure. I'm sure Daniel Craig would say the exact same thing. Yeah. And he would be like, yeah, those guys do it. And so many of those guys, like I was talking to, Kale about it and he was like, he would be like yeah, yeah those guys do it and so many of those guys like I was talking to Kale about it and he was like he's like hey man fucking let go like let go of that like

No one does their own stunts. No one does and I was like My head I was like I watched the movie. I see their face like that's Tom Cruise holding on to the side I think Tom Cruise might be a fucking lunatic He he held on to the side of a fucking plane. He absolutely is a little held on to the side. I think Tom Cruise might be a fucking lunatic. He held on to the side of a fucking plane. He absolutely is a little held on to a side. He went to a fucking Dodgers game with his son in the fucking stance. He flew solo in a helicopter, did a forced descent because they needed the shot himself. Like he, and he, well, you saw him break his fucking ankle, jumping off that building. That was

him. And then he rehabbed it in like a few weeks and they're back to shooting. I mean, I'm blown away at how in, how much joy last night brought me. That was fun. And I'm so excited for Dune. Like I wanna go see Dune in the movie theater. Yeah.

And by the way, we should say, we ran it out the movie theater. Like we ran it out and we got it for a very Fine price point. I don't think anybody would believe us. I don't think they would I think they think like oh, they think for you You think that's not a lot of money, but when you consider it was a little real movie theater real movie theater reclining seats Yeah, capacity was 39. Yeah, and and basically I think you just have to pay half of what it is a full movie that it is I don't I don't know how that map works out. I don't know we get it for a good price point Yeah, but

What was I just gonna say? So that's that brings me another point and I'm not done talking about this fucking movie Small baller moves, okay, okay small ball last night was a small baller move right like we brought Chinese food We rented out the theater. Should we tell them how much we rented it up for sure. Yeah, yeah, we rented out the theater for 150 bucks Yeah, it was not and by the way that how many people do we invite? I don't know me you Nadav any any brother any sister any, and his sister, and his mom, and his dad. His grandmother. His grandmother. His auntie.

His uncle, his cousins. His cousins. His friends from the block. And all of them. All of them. And yeah, so fucking, any shows up late. And the fuck, and he's just goes, I know. One day we got to talk about the conversation when we had with any in his living room.

Yeah, yeah, one day. I don't know what that day will be, but... Hard way to wild. Um, so... No, no, no, it was probably 10 people. 10 people? Yeah, and there's 150 bucks. 150 bucks?

This is really... Rendered out. Brought in Chinese food. We'd be called forward ahead when I can run it out the theater. Is it okay if we bring in some dinner for us? And they're like, of course. By the way, those people were awesome. I want to give a shout out to that girl, we call forward. I have, we're like, we've ran it out to the theaters, is it okay if we bring in some dinner for us? And they're like, of course. By the way, those people were awesome. I wanna give a shout out to that girl,

but I won't, but she's in my Instagram stories. So we brought in the Chinese food, this guy was getting beers, they have sort of beers there. He was getting beers, he goes, you guys bring in fucking Chinese food? This guy going to movie? And we're like, yeah, and he goes, you can do that? And I was like, no, I don't think you can.

And he was like, I wanna bring in Chinese food? And I was like, you didn't? And I was like, no, I don't think you can. And he was like, I wanna broaden Chinese food. And I was like, you didn't? And he was like, no! He's like, oh, huh. And then he just walked away. And I was like, it's cut to a week later he was with a girl. He's like, let's go to the movies. You can bring Chinese food. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha But it was fucking, it was so much fun.

Wait, oh small ball moves. Yeah, small ball moves. So like, I was thinking to that today, I was like, there's times when you can spend like 200 bucks, 100 bucks, and it seems like you spent a ton of money, right? Yeah, like so like, and people go, shut up. Like one of my biggest small ball moves was to surprise the girls with those inflatable slides.

Yeah, I would just get one, rent it for the day, and have it at the house when they came home from school, and they'd be like, what? And they'd be like, how did this happen? In my head, it's like $150. It's not, we're not breaking the bank with this. And they'd be like, this is good. Well, can we call friends?

And I was like, okay, the small baller moves. Yeah. And I want, this is what I was, I love when the show is interactive. Like do you remember when we talked about original thoughts and people sent in the original thoughts? Yeah. I want people to send us their small baller moves.

Yeah. So that we can go through them and tell people, send share them with people so people go, oh, fuck, that is a good ball of move. Do you think paying for someone else's food when they don't expect it, or like drinks like at a drive-through, or at a, you know what I mean? A coffee place? That's a fun one, where it looks like a flex, but it's not like you're not spending a crazy amount of money. Yeah, you know. I've done, um, I'm trying to think.

I've done the, I've sent people drinks before. I love all people saying me drinks. Yeah, I love it. I know. I love when they go. And then they go. Yeah. I like sending people drinks and then going, tell them I'm a big fan of his work.

I'm like, okay, and it just gives it to some guy and his wife. He's a big fan. I was like, I'm like, I'm talking to work. Okay, and it just gives it to some guy and his wife. He's a big fan. I'm like, I'm a construction worker. Just like, you know, a buddy Eddie used to go up and ask for people's autographs. Really? He can't get your autograph. I mean, oh, sure. I don't know. Eddie go, wait, who are you? And he's like, nobody? He goes, and why did you sign this autograph? The guy would go, when you asked for it. I was like, oh, man, I thought you're someone. Oh man, I thought you're someone and you walk away. That's fun one.

Um, small baller moves. I want more small baller moves. Okay, where it doesn't break the bank. Because they're baller moves and baller moves kind of fucking like, I was speaking of balls. Do you want to see my balls? No. Okay. They're so bad.

What happened? They're not gonna think they're comically long. Why? You're gonna see my balls and you're gonna go, that can't be. Wait, but I wanna know something. I asked you this. You're just noticing this? I just, by the way, I didn't even notice it.

Like I actually, minutes before the video I'm about to show you, I had them in my hand. Minutes before I had them actually in my hand. But like, okay, is it one of those, like, right now, are they hanging the way there in this video? Right now they're shoved in these pants going down one leg each. I know, but I'm saying, you know, balls retract and then drop. My balls can retract. I, here's the deal.

So we flew here because it's complicated and we're with a group of people and We got a small jet to fly us here and then fly us back out on the road for a day Yeah, but then I had to take a piss and it's a small jet and so Shane Torres takes a piss first and we are and And by the way all our luggage is in the bathroom Yeah, and so we have to move our luggage out of the bathroom It's a tiny little jet tiny little jet. Yeah, so I shame goes take a piss and I'm laughing hysterically and how he does not fit into the bathroom so then I go well, fuck if it's empty. I might as well piss now and I'm thinking I'm not as big a shame

I should have an easy time in and out of this bathroom and I was wrong. Okay, let's see this clip So man, is it on the do you want to bring the computer in, man? This is me getting into the bathroom. Okay. Okay. And that's I couldn't I couldn't get my pants around so I had to pull them down to my ankles. Okay, I'm seeing your butt. You see my butt? Get ready. All right. He brings the camera back to do a reset, reset, I guess. And then here we go. Now. Uh-uh. Right. Those are to my knees. Those. You know what that looks like? Like when you go into like a Halloween store and they go, we a fake set of balls you can like stick out of the trunk of your car something Look at how bad that is!

Spacebar, Spacebar! Wait a minute Look at that! Look at that! Brow! Those are... Those are taffy nuts! I'm not gonna be a moron. I'm not gonna be a moron. I'm not gonna be a moron. I'm not gonna be a moron. I'm not gonna be a moron. I'm not gonna be a moron.

I'm not gonna be a moron. I'm not gonna be a moron. I'm not gonna be a moron. I'm not gonna be a moron. I'm not gonna be a moron. I'm not gonna be a moron. I'm not gonna be a moron. I'm not gonna be a moron. Can I take the most disturbing on a fucking billboard for your movie? Said the machine I

Would I love that they're both like this. They're covering their faces. I would pose this online. I'm afraid people can remove pixelation Like they could re-unbixulate things. Can you do that do that in a- if I pixelate something and someone un-pixulate it? If the image you uploaded was the pixelated one, they're not gonna remove it. Like if you pixelate it first and then you upload it, you can't remove it. Really? Yeah, if you upload this and then do something with it later,

that's the- Is that not amazing? They're so fucking- I think I'd like him to come remove this now. Hey, man's man's that's horrible. Will you show the boys in there? Like do you take that frame? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's more disturbing is it's on his face. Let's listen to them. See it. Yeah, they're about to hear. Oh my god! That is crazy! Is that not... You know what it... It really looks like... What? It looks like a pig's balls.

A pig's balls? Yeah, you ever seen pig's balls? No. If it looks like a pig's balls, I'm gonna fucking be a count of ill buddies with an adopt tomorrow. Look up a pigs balls Where no, it doesn't it doesn't look like pigs balls. Wait, those are pigs. No pigs balls are mass. Oh, that one it does Yeah, but pigs balls are massive now. How big is your dick compared to what we were seeing with your balls there? Nothing. You've seen my dick. I got tons of balls. So comparison wise, it's not good.

No. In that thing, it would be, I mean, I don't think, I think people will go, oh, he's all balls. Like, there's no, I mean, those are fucking long. And they always hang like that? I swear to God. Because you know, I have like hot days where my balls are hanging. I remember showing a girl my dick one time

at a comedy club. We were backstage. Wow, that came out. Do not isolate. Well, can you watermark that statement so that no one can isolate that? We were hooking up as it was it back of the Boston comedy club. Okay, I shouldn't even say that because

it's fine. Yeah, I was still going to I talk about this. But I hooked up with this chick. We used to hook up and you know, and so one night we're back there and she was doing something. She was like, let me see you. And so I pulled my pants down and I remember going, oh my God, I never realized how big your balls are. Like your balls are like very long. And I went, oh, that was back then.

That was back then and I was like, in my head I was like, this isn't turning me on. Like I don't know, I don't know if that, it's not a compliment. Like, you know, I remember Leigh Ann's time one time going, God you have the longest dick and I went that it's not a compliment like you know I remember Leanne's time one time going God you have the longest dick and I went It's big you mean to say big she goes now it's not big. It's long and I went

No Thick and girthy and she was like okay And I'm like I was like and that girl said that to me and I was like I Gross the girl smell like balloons by the way she did yeah, I... The girl's smell like balloons, by the way. She did? Yeah, I've had a problem with that. I think I told you that before. You tell me you don't like balloons.

I don't like balloons, and I like girls that smell like balloons. You've never said I don't like girls that smell like balloons. I don't like girls that smell like balloons. I can tell you when a girl's gun is smell like balloons. I can point, I can picture out a girl and go, she's gonna smell like balloons. How do you know that she's gonna smell like balloons? I can just tell you. I can just tell you. I can tell you. She and go she's gonna smell like balloons. How do you know that she's gonna smell? I can just tell you.

I can just tell you. I can tell you. And she has that actual scent of balloons. Yeah. Oh, this girl smells like balloons and I remember being like, I couldn't really get into it. I had sex with her twice, but. The balloons girl?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She, yeah. It was one time at the club. Uh-uh. You didn't have sex with the club? No, we just just full around. Okay. It was so fun. It was so fun. I missed those days. was one time at the club? Uh-uh. You didn't have sex with the club? No, we just just flew around. Okay.

It was so fun. It was so fun. I missed those days. I'm like, some chick that you hooked up with. You can do it again. You got a show coming up tomorrow and see the rap. I showed my, that audio is so bad. I showed my dick to a girl at a comic club one time

and just silence. No, I... That was so much fun, that little period of time of just messing around and being like, oh, it's cool, and you're not even in love with the person. It's just like you guys have given each other a green light to have your heart race. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like why doesn't, why, like, it's so funny.

Like, I totally, and they on the phone the other day, she was upset about something, and then I was like, no, she was just like, hey, can I see your tits at the end of it? She was like, he'd been listening to anything I was saying, and I was like, yeah, that's why I get a reward to see your tits at the end. Like, I just listened to that sad story,

not showing your tits. And she was like, no, and then I was like at the end. Like, I just listened to that sad story. Yeah. Now show me your tips. Yeah. And she was like, No. And then I was like, come on. Like, why don't you do that more? Why doesn't she do that more? Yeah, yeah.

Like, send me a picture of her tips. And I'm like, I don't know. Like, what happens in marriage when you just go, like, I want, what if you had like, what if there was a pill where you could forget? Okay, here's the question

Wait, wait, I don't know what do they think I'm gonna say I don't know but there there is that pill you could take a pill and forget Are you confident enough in your marriage if they had a pill and they said here's what you're gonna give you the pill and Then you and your wife the pill and then We're gonna separate you guys you're gonna forget that you're ever married and then we're gonna reintroduce you guys at a bar Do you think you guys would fall in love the way you did again? Like they just had you walk into a hotel and she was at the hotel bar. What do you think you would? I mean, this is you know. Oh my god, not you know, I know I know I just realized I look like this now I don't look like I did when I met Leanne right she'd be like, uh, excuse me

Somebody get this guy. He needs to shower get him away from me. Yeah. Oh, fuck. Yeah, she wouldn't oh My god, yeah I need to... You'd shatter up, though. You'd have a good time talking to her. But then she would be like, do you smell like a pool? Yeah.

I was like, what do I think I do? I smell like chlorine, my balls itch. She'd be like, yeah. Yeah, I miss those days of like, of like the fucking, you know, the answer, that's me first. What? When we were dating, when we were married, we just had aila.

And I said, is it crazy to you that you'll never have sex with another person? She goes, no, I don't really care about sex. She's like, I don't, I don't give a fuck about having sex with someone that's so intimate that I'm cool doing it with just one person for the rest of my life She goes, what I miss, what I'm gonna miss is first kisses and I went really she's like, yeah first kisses are awesome as a girl Yeah, because you're like waiting. Is he gonna kiss me first kisses as a guy sock?

Because you're like, should I try to kiss her? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Were you good at first kisses? No, no, I mean, definitely not early on. I think I got a little better. And then there's the thing now, I don't know, I've seen it in like shows and I don't know where somebody asks if they can kiss,

which I think is so lame. Like for a first kiss? Oh, I think that takes all the romance out of it. It's the worst. I think it's the worst too. We had a buddy in college who used to just try to kiss everyone. Yeah. And he just always leaned into kiss people. Yeah. And girls were like, it's the worst. I think it's the worst too. We had a buddy in college who used to just try to kiss everyone. Yeah. And he just always leaned into kiss people.

Yeah. And girls were like, it's fucking gross. That's kind of gross. And he just was like, yeah. Yeah. You miss every shot you'd all take, huh? Well, that's, that's, yeah. No, but I mean, when you wanted to, going for it, you got to,

you got to, you got to have the risk, right? Isn't that the thrill that this might not work out? Yeah, that's the thrill. Yeah, but I wonder, the first kiss was, I forgot, it's been 20 years since I've had a first, take that back, I kissed one of my movie. In the movie. Yeah, kiss one of my co-stars in the movie.

Yeah, but that's not a first kiss, that's not. Like you knew you were going in together, it was scripted, it was like she had to do it. And so I haven't done a first kiss, That's not, like you knew you knew you were going in to get a kiss. It was a scripted. It was like she had to do it. And so I haven't done a first kiss. My last first kiss was Leanne. Do you remember your first kiss with push? Yeah. Where were you guys?

That was in a car. Really? Set the scene. We had gone out on a date. Sweet. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, set the scene set the scene. Like, where did you guys met doing stand up? Yeah., wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, All I remember is you were in a car with me one time we're driving a Braia and you go You gotta get me dating this girl. I said who you said

You might know her Christina Bizzytski and I went how would I know her and you go I She was in road rules and I went shut the fuck up and I lost it I remember that I lost because I was the biggest fan of fucking real-world in road rules Yeah, and so I know I was like, you gotta introduce me to her. You gotta think you're like, okay, calm down. And you're like, we just started dating. And then, and then we met in Hawaii.

Yeah, that was, I met her. I met her. No, you met her before that. No, really? I met her in Hawaii. Leanne met her in Hawaii. That can't be when you met her, Bert. 100%.

Bert, we went to Hawaii in July of 2008. Russell Peter just sent me a picture of it. Yeah, let's see what you look like Yeah, you sent it to me. I did yeah, okay You met we that was 2008 and we started dating in 2005 so you met her three years later It's impossible because if 2008 is when we went to Hawaii you you guys were, I was born in 2006. Right. Yeah, that's not right. Right. You're the one who doesn't remember.

Yeah, that's impossible. So how did you guys meet? So you, you, we met doing standup at the cat club on sunset. That's how we met. And so you guys were both in spots and she was like, hey, you're funny. No, we were just like, just like, you know,

when, on those days, you show up and it's your little community of like, we're all trying to do stand. We're all amateurs, hey, you're funny. No, we were just like, just like, you know, when on those days you show up and it's your little community of like, we're all trying to do stand, we're all amateurs basically, right? We're doing bring-ers shows, sometimes boat shows, but so we would see each other at these shows. We were just friends. We were just hang out and be friends.

I mean, I just treated her like another comic basically. And so then when did you ask her out? Like, what was the scenario? You were like, I think she's into me. Not, well, I got a heads up because I knew her, she was dating with somebody and I knew that guy. Chinese guy. Yeah.

And I knew him. I knew them as a couple and just thought of them as a couple. And then one of my friends who was good friends with Christina was like, who? Who's? You don't know him. Okay. But he was like, hey, they broke up and she'd asked about you.

So he gave me a heads up, she asked about you. She mentioned you. Really? Then I called her and I asked her out and I was like, do you want to go on a hike? And because it was like a very LA date and she was like, no. And I was like, good.

And I was like, okay, bye. Oh, for real? You said, hey, do you want to go on a hike? Is she went nope? And I was like, all right, well, good talk idea. Are you serious? Where to go? And so then you're like, all right, this girl's not into me. I mean, I didn't think she was that into me. She didn't want to go on the hike. And then and then the next week she was like, I know a bar you can still smoke at do you want to go there? I was like sure so we went there That's like saying to a girl hey, would you like to have sex and she goes no, I'm a virgin. Let's do anal Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Pretty much no, I know a bar you can smoke at you're like ah Okay, I was like alright No, I know a bar you can smoke at, you're like, ah, okay. I was like, all right, and then we went to a bar. Then we went to another bar. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Oh, and I'm lying about that, no, the first kiss

wouldn't have been the car that I was thinking of. So I guess I don't know if I remember actually the first kiss, I don't think I do. Really? I'm trying to remember when it would have been the first and I'm remembering because of this timeline that when I thought it was is not when it would have been. So I don't think I actually remember the actual moment of the first case. You remember your first case? Yeah. It was our couch. We went to a gay bar, the gay restaurant. Here?

In LA. Yeah. Yeah, we went to it. No, we flew to Austin. You flew to Austin? No, no, you didn't. I know. We went to a gay restaurant on, right,

a county corner from, from the grove, or from, yeah, from the grove, from the farmer's market. Yeah. We went there, I saw Eddie Isard was there that day. He was in full dress. and then she was like, he's comedian. Do you know him? And I was like, I've met him. But I don't think he likes me. She was like, what? And I was like, I was drunk. I don't know. I met him in Scotland with Patrice O'Neill and him and Patrice were like, kind of fighting, like arguing. And then, I don't know.

It was a long story. So, and then, she was like, what do you want to do now? And I was like, I don't know, this could be your house. We went to her house and I walked in her house. She's like, I have a cat. I was like, oh, cool. I was like, I'll be in and out of here. I'm similar to the cats. And we sat down in her couch and I did my allergies,

didn't flare up or anything. And I was like, cool. And then I got douche chills thinking about how bad this moment was, but I was like, I don't fucking know, whatever, fucking gross. But you leaned over. I leaned over and I was like, and I just gave her a little kiss.

She goes, what was that for? And I said, I think when you kiss, oh god, this is gonna fucking gross me out. This is my, this is a sensitive part. I said something to the effect of, you know, when you're dating someone, those are the most regular kisses, like the little kisses.

I'll be back, you know, those little kisses. So we should see if we like that first, because that's one we'll be giving all the time. And it's a little fucking employed, I get my tongue down or throat. Yeah. And then we did a couple of those, and then all of a sudden, I was like, ah, and then I don't think we fucked that night.

I know we didn't, because I'm a brood. And I had said to her friends, I think she just wants to have sex with me. I was like, I think she's a whore. I think she just wants to have sex with me. I was like I think she's a whore. I think she just wants to have sex with me. You said this to her friend? To her friend? I think she's a whore and I think she just wants that's like for me and I'm not interested in that. Because I was like, I was, because she, she was the kind of girl that was like,

but she, by the way, she isn't a whore I found out later, but she was the kind of girl that was like, would like go out on dates with guys and I was like, what are you doing? Like, I didn't go, I didn't take girls out on dates. I was like, I'm looking to fall in love. That was what I wanted. And I was like, I want to fall in love with someone. I'm not just wanting to have sex with somebody and so I've always been like that I've always been like I'd rather date someone than just have sex with them and when I stand to make me I'm not good at them yeah I've had I don't know how many I've had by maybe one or two dude I'm

actually with you I think I had a few more but I it's not it's not great it's not it's not what I like and I feel like there's so, I don't know, whatever. And so I said that and then she found out. She was like, you think I just want to fuck you? And I was like, right? She was like, if I was looking for that, I don't know if you would be the thing I'd be looking for. I was in good shape, but I wasn't like this Italian stallion.

And so she was like't like, I was in good shape, but like I wasn't like this like, you know, like Italian-styleian. And so, yeah. She was like, no, I just, and then she had said, been very clear, I just wanna hang out, I think, I said to someone, said to her friend, I think I'll like him, but I think we'll just date, and then we'll be good friends for a long time.

And I was like, oh, I don't do that. I burn bridges, I burn all the boats so that no one can come. Yeah, I don't do that. I burn bridges. I burn all the boats so that no one can go. Yeah, I don't know. That I never maintained any friendship with anyone that I dated or hooked up with really. I mean, I've run into somebody and been like a cordial, but it's not like, you know?

Like, I mean, I'm not gonna be like, let's be good friends now. No. Yeah, I'll say hidey and stuff. I'm gonna take it to my show, but like, yeah, what's the merch? They got a paper merch. There's one, there's one chick that I dated in high school

that I remained friends with only one. Yeah, there's one check in high school that I remained friends with all through college. And I kind of, because we dated when we were in high school, and she's my sister Annie's age, I kind of always looked at her as like a little bit of a little sister. And I moved out to LA, she lived in LA.

Okay. I ended up staying with her. Like she's probably like more like family to me than beautiful, absolutely beautiful, has a great life right now, lives in Florida. Yeah, I mean, I'm thinking, there's one who was friends with my sister who, actually two, that I could probably be friendly with.

Was this old Tommy Slumber party? He was coming, go, hey, what are you guys doing? No. No. That's a little bit older than slumber party. I wasn't 13. You guys want to fuck? You guys want to pay high to go seek with my cock?

Oh, yeah. I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was come and then I'd go, shh, I think someone's breaking into my house. I'd be like, it's nothing, it's nothing. And then I'd be like, I'm gonna put a new condom on. I keep going. And I thought I fooled her. I thought I fooled her. I thought I fooled her. And then like, and then like a month later, she was like, I was like, oh yeah, we're talking about it.

And I was, I don't think, I thought I fooled her. And then she was very clear one night. She was like, I definitely knew you came. And I was like, for real? She's like, yeah, your face went, and then you're like, someone's breaking into my house. That was my move And then I thought it was that's the one things of the funniest is I really thought I was got away with it

Like I thought I got away with it and then she was like are you fucking serious? Like you think she's like you thought that was real and I was like yeah, and then I started telling you on stage because I was like And then people would laugh and I was like is that really that stupid like I really thought that was real and I was like, yeah, and then I started telling it on stage because I was like, and then people would laugh and I was like, is that really that stupid? Like I really thought that was a good move. Yeah, you thought you were distracting from what happened. You hear that? Like that was my move, right?

I think you believed it first, I can't. Yeah, I was like, he's heard something. Hold on, what's that? I knew you came. What's my Faggis girl in college and I can't. I bet I could be too. And then later I was like, yes sorry that I'm I talked about it. I was like sorry that only lasted like a minute. She's like more like a second. Like she reduced it. I was like, all, yeah, yeah, sorry about that.

The, the, the, just so, just so we're protected, bleep out this word, okay? BEEP. BEEP. Yeah, small BEEP. Beep out that word, beep. Beep it out, so I'm protected, so I don't, because why does that need to be bleaped? It's because I'm about to tell you, I fucked her one time,

and I came so fast, she got mad at me, and told me I need to read a book and learn how to fuck really she did it was that was the last one I said I've read like I pikes just I don't understand guys that don't come fast Yeah, like I don't understand Josh Potter not Josh Potter did a great job in that movie last night by the way I don't understand I don't understand guys like Josh Potter can't have an orgasm. Yeah, but that's mental though I remember there's a kid in like fourth grade and and He kissed he was kissing a lot of girls. He was gonna not kissing girls Maybe older than fourth grade. That's the next fourth grade. And I was like, God damn it man, he kissed a couple girls.

And this other girl was like, was in fourth grade and she was like, that's just him. He's just so cool. And I was like, oh yeah. And then like four years later, we found out he had been molested and that that's why he was doing that. And I was like, oh, I think God, I wasn't molested to be cool, you know? Does that make sense? Does that make sense, so?

Like he was kissing girls and I thought that was cool. You know, I got it all. Okay, you wanna wrap it up on that? I almost said his name. I'm it all. Okay. You want to wrap it up on that? I almost said his name. I'm glad I didn't. Yeah. Okay. In, in, in summation.

Oh, wait a minute. You're sex scene for your, for your, for your, our, our movie. We're going to make a movie. Yeah. Let's say, um, and you have Jessica's, whatever, who, some actors. It can't be Jessica's, Jessica's now. Right. Yeah now because she's definitely not gonna want to be in our movie right Right, she's like all right, so in my scene she calls right there I feel like they're just staring at me and we're just in the tent just going how can

I'm perfect yeah, yeah, I've never been into redheads though well she changed that for you is she an authentic redhead I don't know I mean, I don't think that's yeah Jessica Chastains look. I'll just hop up this. I'm not gonna put you in my movies in our movie Yeah, I'm not gonna put you in our movie, but we will support anything you do and we'll promote your projects because we think you're awesome Okay, movie is the three five5, it's coming out. Who the fucking Penelope Cruz in it? Yeah. God damn it Penelope Cruz is gorgeous. Still gorgeous.

It's like fucking, she has an age that, I said that to you last night in the fucking movie, it's really great. How does she look like that? And then other people look like wallets. You didn't say other people. Okay, keep going. So,

like a deflated football that played within the street. Love scenes in the movie, right? So we're gonna shoot love scenes in our movie. Yeah. I'm thinking for mine, she's tied up. No, okay. I didn't know we could go there, all right? Keep going.

She's tied up, she's blindfold blindfolded and it just starts with me Squatting down onto her mouth, right and it's like it's like Jessica chastains like okay, I'm so glad they're not putting me in this movie I don't think she would be forced She's not like oh I have to do this Jessica's thing goes from I have to do this From her career to do I'm just describing a love scene I want to shoot already got mine. Okay, I know I want to be in it. Okay Go keep going you yours. Okay

Okay. Go keep going, you're yours. Okay. So, I squat and thrust and squat and thrust and squat and thrust, untie, retie in like the, like when you hogtie someone, like, there's like a hogtie someone. So I was like, there's like a hogtie position. And then, you know, make a kind of doing around the world. Lots of spit. And then everything comes off and we connect. And she's like, I love you.

And then, and then, whatever the theme of the film is kind of plays at that moment. I feel like that would be a good love scene for me to participate in. My love scene, are you ready for this? Sure. I want my love scene to be with a Legit porn star, okay, okay, but for a movie but for a movie for okay, and they drive Like they can't get their hands off me

So and cuz I think that would be and for real I want to do this cuz I think it would be funny to watch a porn star who has no like if you do with an actress They're like pretty respectful and all that stuff, you know, and then I want a porn star who has no like if you do with an actress they're like pretty respectful and all that stuff you know and they don't want a porn star who just goes fucking hard in the paint and so you see my real reactions on screen okay like like like Adriana Tetshi it goes that it hits me and then spits in my mouth I'm like yeah yeah and then and then she's just like come here and then you're just fucking basically I'm getting chased around a fucking room. Yeah, I would love that. I think I'll be fucking hilarious. I'm fun. I'm digging the spit thing. Yeah, just like catch you off guard, you know?

Yeah. And I think that was you don't. Oh, I forgot. I got to have I want to get slapped too. Oh, see, this is brilliant. By the way, this is brilliant. Is it we do like so many a lot of people watch porn. And so we we bring shades of pornography yeah without the actual fucking into a PG film PG film yeah yeah that's a fucking genius idea it's a really good a shades of where guys go where the woman goes what the fuck is that and the guys are like it's real it's real they do that they do that you think you could spit and do you think do you think? Do you think they could have you do it?

It's seen in a movie. Let's go kill. Let's see if we can have a scene where a gross spit to my mouth in a movie. Is that still PG? Is that PG? You don't need to ask. Wait, hold on.

Type in, let me see a gross a girl spit the guys mouth real quick. Let me see if it reads not PG Girl spits in guys mouth Yeah, and not like in a like a sexy way not I want it like we can't really you know filter that Like there's a respectful way to Shelby spitting in Dan's mouth. Okay. Oh, no, this is, I don't want to see this two kids. This is them just getting mononucleosis.

Okay. Go to a porn, go to a porn hub. I want to see a girl, I want to see it sexy. I don't want to see two fucking teenagers do it. All right. I thought I was going to drink today and I'm not. Spitting. Why are you not drinking?

I was gonna drink, but then I was like, there we go, there we go. Okay, that never mind. I don't think this is PG. Oh man, wow. What is this guy? This guy's fucking... Oh, oh, okay, oh my god. Oh, that's fucking gross. Really? That's gross. I'm fucking rock hard right now.

Do Adriana Chechik spits in someone's mouth? Adriana Chechik go do it good. This girl's doing it fucking gross, like she's like bullying him. This is fucking disgusting. She's smiling. They're both wearing masks. God, what do you think that guy does for a living? Adriana Chechik spits mouth.

Okay. She'll do it sexy. I've actually think I've seen her do it sexy. Oh yeah. I think we gotta wrap this one up. Maybe we can keep- That's my sexy, no. It's where, how great that was.

I leaned for a kiss like this. That's the first kiss. I leaned in for a kiss like this. As she goes, I love it. I love it. And then she starts kissing me and I go, I'm so, I love it. I love it. And then she starts guessing me and I go I'm so I love it. I want the spit

You didn't check chick on a speed dial Hey you Dean Adrian. It is my single name right? More Christie Mac. We could do Christie Mac or Adrian and touch it. Yeah, okay. We'll let them both know Thank you guys for watching. Thank you for listening. We'll see you next week. I love you. Love you too. No scripts to be the booze amateur, Fatology, dirty jokes, Rancho Humano apologies. Here's what we call Two Bears One Cave.