2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 104 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: October 25, 2021

SPONSORS: - Go to https://3Chi.com and use code BEARS at checkout to receive 5% off your order - Go to https://WHOOP.com and use code “CAVE” at checkout to save yourself 15% off today. - Get your first visit absolutely free at https://forhims.com/bears. - Get 20% Off + Free Shipping at https://Manscaped.com/BEARS - Get 10% off your first month of online therapy at https://BetterHelp.com/BEARS. - Visit https://SimpliSafe.com/bears for 20% off your entire new system and your first month of monitoring service FREE, when you enroll in Interactive Monitoring. - Download the DraftKings app NOW and use promo code BEARS to get a FREE shot at MILLIONS in total prizes with your first deposit! This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer, the bears look over Rap Snacks and debate if they should reinvent cereals! Bert tells Tom how he watched him sleep last time he was in Austin, Tom tells Bert how some kids thought he was security at a store he was shopping at, and Bert shares how it's a shame his daughters won't be able to date anyone cool like him. Bert and Nadav agree to go on a weight loss kick and be each others accountabili-buddies, and Bert goes down a rabbit hole of what male toys he's going to get for himself.

So I like about Matthew Manning. He's just so honest. He was like, you know, we got to go over a broad because all the money kind of dried up over here for us rappers of our age. So we do a lot of overseas shows. I was like, just that honesty like that. I was like, I kind of really respect it. My love, Matthew Manning. Oh, we were talking about lovers. No, you were saying who gives good dick and rap? 100%. 100% It looks good. I feel I feel this is an interesting outfit for me. Yeah, it is both given to me So the that was the for your frat you were in I was I was I am an ATO you're always an ATO lifelong ATO right I like how you say that like you're fucking still marine great I

Earned it, you know back know, back in the day. Yeah, ATO and then these kids, we were in Alabama, Montgomery, Alabama. Yeah, that's what I wanted to tell you. We were in Montgomery, Alabama. And these kids came up, they gave me this shirt and I was, they were like, And these kids came up?

No, no, no. What did I say? I thought you said, and these kids like, no, his children. No, these kids, these kids came up and they were like, they look like you're a shirt and I never normally wear the shirts, but it's a very soft shirt. Yeah, and I was like, I kind of enjoy it.

And I like the, I like. Do you like soft shirts? Just revealed too many flaws. I've, I told you that right when this started. I was like, I feel like I look fat in this shirt. No, it's like, I love like I look fat in this shirt. I'm like, I love this soft fabric shirt. Every time I put them on, I'm like, oh, I look like shit. But that doesn't look, that's not what I'm talking about.

Well, it's interesting that it's like a really fine soft fabric. You know what I mean? So I used to make shirts for our fraternity. I would make all, like you'd make the shirt. It was like, I wanna say it was like 400 bucks. would make all, like, you'd make the shirt. It was like, I wanna say it was like 400 bucks. If you had 400 bucks, you'd make the shirt. And then you could sell the shirt to the guys and fraternity in the best shirts.

Like the best ones were like ones that looked like a Jack Daniels bottle. And then you just change all the words to the formal thing. Yeah, but it's interesting. This pocketed shirts are like a definitely frappoy thing. But I love the design on this back, I think. Is it, you see it? It's kind of like, is that somebody on a jesky?

It's kind of a, yeah, that's why I brought for you. It's kind of leaving for you. It's kind of like a throwback, a little bit of a throwback design. And I was like, that, it is a throwback design. It's a very forward thinking for these boys. And so, and then I got given this hat, these are the Pimento Chesis. What are the Pimento Chesis?

Augusta, Georgia is a minor league baseball team. That's their hat? Yeah, oh by the way, everyone should know that. That's a cool hat, that's ridiculous. Yeah, it's a good, I love these types of hats. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that's your signature thing now. Now, is that hat actually too small for your head?

It is. Okay, because you know what? What? It looks like it. It's a size eight, it's a size eight, and it's killing my head. Oh, fuck it, wait, what size eight. It's a size eight and it's killing my head. Oh, fuck it. Wait, what size is your head?

A size eight and a half. I think I'm getting, gaining weight in my head. Oh, fuck it. By the way, that's not making me want to drink. And I want to drink right now, so bad. You do? Yeah. How's your drinking been?

Uh, pretty good. You know, considering. So. Well. What? Considering. Because we were at the movies the other day. Pretty good, you know, considering. So, what? Considering, because we were at the movies the other day. Okay, that's a different time. That was, that was, that's out of control. Okay, that, because I'll say this,

that seemed like a lot. I drank just as much as you did. No, you did not. How many drinks did you have? Two? No. How many drinks did you have? Two. What in a half? Two drinks. No, I did not. I did not finish the second? Two? No. How many drinks did you have? Two.

No, I did not. I did not finish the second drink. I think I'm close to finishing the second drink. Oh really? No. I wish I'd known that. I would have finished yours. And also, my drink was in a cup like this,

and yours was in one like this. Yeah, but it was the same amount of alcohol as just extra soda water. Because I knew we had, and okay, and hold on, we're gonna be honest, we're gonna be honest. I knew we also had a water bottle of vodka. So I kept topping off, because that's what you were seeing, is I had it in a big glass, and I hadn't put in extra soda,

so I kept topping it off with vodka. And then I got another one. I had four drinks at the movie theater. Okay, I had one and a half, so we definitely had a different amount. But, so that was, that for you was, was kind of out of control. That was, that one was a little bit because I've been really good in that. I don't drink until the, right at the end of the show.

Right. Like when I start my machine stories, I want to have my drink. I don't drink, if I do two shows, I'm very, very seldomly even let it touch my lips in the first show. In the first show, okay. Um, and, and that, I'm, like, I'm stopping. It's the second show, it's over, it's on. It's the second show's over, it's on. It's on, but it's not that on. Lately, I hadn't been in that all,

we just get to the bus, we have a few cocktails. What is really time when I look like for you? Like if you're like, we're drinking. This is what it looks like, it's about to look like it right now. Cause this is, so here's the witching hour. I have nothing to do today, right? Yeah.

I get on a plane of fly. I'm already on a show tonight. No. Oh. no. So yeah. So, um, so we got a discount on the plane if we, if we go fly within 24 hours. So, so we're like, oh, okay, we'll just head out. We'll go to Cedar Rapids tonight. So we're going to Cedar Rapids tonight. No show. So tomorrow's a show tomorrow's a show. So this is where it gets a little tricky for me is like on a do nothing day

I Have a hard time like if I start drinking on the flight or before the flight then I will get I'll go to the bus take a nap get up go to dinner and drink again. There's a two drinking days I'm two two days two drinking times and one day is bad for me So if it's drinking nap and then drink after that's bad for me They creep up on me and I go, and I don't, like it all sent my stomach problems. Bro, the last time you were in Austin?

Oh, that was a rough one. That was a bad, that was bad. That was bad. That was the nap. That was the nap. And you woke me up and I didn't know where I was. You thought you were dead. Yeah, I thought I was dead.

And then, and then we went to the soccer game and I got drunk there. Yes. And then, day and I was and I was and I was eating like a fucking lunatic. By the way, and we also, this is the part that I was like, what the fuck? Because I was so tired after we podcasted that I went home. Christina was in the bedroom. She goes within she goes, you lay down in the bed and she goes within two minutes. you were snoring. And she goes, and I just left it because it was the middle of the day. And I go, when I later on, when I woke up from that, I took like an hour nap, I go, Bert has been doing Rogan. We did two for five hours. And then you guys FaceTiming, you're like, we're going to go to I was like See you later, and then I never saw you again

And then you call me and you go yeah, I came in in your bedroom I try to talk to you this morning. I was like what and you're like yeah, I was like Tom Yeah, it's a week so Christine was in bed too. Yeah, you're both in bed. It was like six in the morning You're both sound asleep and I was like and I I I You're both sound asleep and I was like, and I, I, what? It's just fucking creepy as shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Almost put her on Instagram stories.

I was like, what's she get so mad? I was like, Tom, look, I'm touching their faces. No, I, I, I, I did, I didn't drink here. I had a lot of coffee, so I went to Rogan and I blacked out at like two and a half, three hours into that podcast. I just was drinking very fast. I don't really remember the second half of that podcast.

Then we went and did Kiltoni and I have no recollection of that. But it's not, it's like, here's the thing. It's like, for a regular person listening, you would not, it's like, here's the thing is like, I, for a regular person listening, you would go, you would go, I have as much recollection as you would have. But the problem is I'm also speaking professionally at these events. And that's what I don't, I don't remember things that might have slipped out of my mouth. I can't believe that a, like, I was like, man, the fact that you went and did that podcast and drink,

I would have been sleeping for two days, but then you couldn't find your wallet. Oh, so I get up. You know where you go to the airport? No hot water, which is great, so I take a cold shower in there. I take an ice cold shower. I've been drinking, I've only been asleep for like four hours, five hours tops, maybe.

I take a cold shower, I go to my bag and I camp on my wallet and I'm like, fuck in son of a bitch. I go, I know what it is. I put it in that bag that I brought, Ellis gum, I go to that bag. It's in the bag, okay, so I go up and the bag's not there and I go, fuck, where's the bag? And then I'm like, oh God, I bet they threw the bag out.

I go to another books there. So then I find the books on the table. I go, shit, you take it with you? It took one book, yeah. Yeah, I was like, there's two books here. I thought he bought three books. Yeah, I was like, thinking of the other ones. I don't want that one.

And so, I'm by the way, I didn't read the other one either. It's in my bag. I'm gonna leave it at any's. And so then, I can't find my wallet there and I go, son of a bitch, I go, where could it be? And then in a very not thinking clearly move I Give up I just go. I guess I don't have a wallet. Yeah I wasn't thinking clear. I really wasn't thinking clearly. Yeah, and I was like I guess I don't have a wallet and I was like

Can you get in the car and go? I got in the got in the car and I got the car, you know, one of the guys is like, you okay? I was like, yeah, get in the car. I start driving the airport and we get like, maybe like a half a mile away and I tell the guy, I left my wallet and now I know where it is. Now I know where it is. It's on the top deck.

We went up and had some cars, must have fallen out of my pocket out of the soccer game. Right, that's where it is. It's on the top deck. We went up and had some cars. Must have fallen out of my pocket out of the soccer game. Right? That's where it is. Yeah. So we go back, I go back into your house. I go back into your house, right? That's when I go into your bedroom. Uh-huh.

And I'm like, and I talked to you and nothing, nothing. So you go up. I go up to the thing. Like what's your exchange like in the bedroom? I go, hey, Tom, Tom. Tom is Bert Tom Tom push are you in here? Hey guys, and then I'm like I'm like in your bedroom going hey I'm I'm back. I'm just looking for my wall. I was wondering if you guys seen it nothing nothing

So I go up to your roof I have my flashlight. It's not on your fucking it's not on your deck and I go mother fucker I go where and then I go I know it is. I'm thinking last time I touched it. Last time I touched it we were getting coffee and you said and I said guy they make Tom has always bought our coffees. So I'm gonna get coffee for him and I the last time I touched my wallet was there and I didn't see it at Rogue when Rogue and I were leaving to get go to the bar. I was like I was like I was like oh my wallet is and I was like, it must be in my backpack, whatever.

And knowing that it wasn't in my backpack, I then determined that I go, it must be in his car. So I go back in your bedroom. I go, Tom, hey, Tom, I need the keysture car. I need to get in your car and then I'm like, I bet the keys are in Tom's car. I bet Tom, so he's talking to your garage. Grigis unlocked. Cars unlocked. I look in and I go I don't see it

And I grab see a receipt over by the seatboat. I pull the seat back. I see my wallet. You're gonna like this part Tommy I then celebrate Celebrate by going into your kitchen Have a little brusky by myself Singing steely Dan unless it's steely Dan on my fucking And I walk out with another beer and the cargo let's go to the airport didn't have another beer on the flight and a beer at two beers one in your kitchen and one in the car ride to the airport got to the airport walked on on my plane didn't have another beer fell

sleeps up the whole fucking flight, woke up, woke up, did a podcast with Ron Artest, did a podcast with Dane, did I did like three podcasts that day, I fucking killed it, I killed it. I was so proud of myself. I don't understand how you can, how you push through. So that's where I think is, if I, space, if I can find space between drinking,

then I can do it, I can go hard. I just need space. I need space. Although, although I was looking so rough like that. You're out of your fucking mind. I just need a little bit of space. I'm, I'm keeping, I go to the doctor all the time. I know, I know.

It's just a little bit of space. And so, if I can, and that's why I'm good on the road, is it during shows. When I'm on shows, I get a little out, I get a little away from it. It's like, today could be a wack day, right? A wacky day. It's, I can already feel it

because I took a sip of this coffee. I was like, well, we'll replay it with. Right. And he's got some good beers in there. Yeah. Cold beer. And so I, and then I go in and we're gonna just go to the hotel, have a dirty girl, get on the fucking plane

If you dirty girls funny to me because like I I Would feel like my weak is ruined if I did Use that is I use that as inspiration. God like I use the feeling like shit as inspiration to work harder Okay, like like so I made So I made a very fucking, I've decided that this is, this would probably be my last special. I kind of figured that out. Like ever? I don't know about ever, but it's for a while.

Cause I'm in a pace where it's going so fast. Yeah. Then I'm like, then I'm like, and the girls are going to college, and I'm like, I don't know what, I kind of feel like the same thing to be honest with you. Yeah, for myself. I mean, Chappelle said that, and I feel like, you know,

and so I go, and I want to pivot and do other things, because when you're working on a special, I mean, I'm not saying this to you, you already know this, but your entire focus is that special, and I become obsessed, and I decided this is gonna be my best. So what I'm doing is I'm going through, I've taken the hour I've got,

and I'm pulling a ton of shit out of it, and I'm rewriting stuff to put in this hour, and then I'm gonna look at that two hour chunk and sizzle it down to the hour, but I've got my assistant Peter is, it's amazing. It's changed my life. I used to get off stage and I'd go and say to anyone, like my camera guy or someone I'd be like, did you guys, in that joke, but now I just got Peter and I go, hey man, I need

you watching these sets and I'm going to tell you what I like in these sets and I need you to pull them in and write them down and then we're going to go through. So I'll be like, hey, early show this, early show, late show that and then we get the footage from that, yeah, early show this. Early show, late show that, and then we get the footage from that. Yep, skinny it up. So I'm working on my special, I'm not gonna shoot it for a while, but I'm working on it right now as if I'm shooting it next month. That's great.

Which, and so I go, if I do that, if I do that hardest fuck, then I can put out a great special, and then fuck and take a breather. Like, I would love to take a breather. Yeah. And by the way, you need it. Yeah, I do, I do. I do. And so, but, so like, once we get back to doing stand-up,

like we go cedar rapids, I won't drink all day. So like there'll be a 24-hour period where I don't drink, and then I can have a cocktail. And then another 24-hour period. And then, and that, I think, is the guys that get fucked with alcohol, and I know a couple guys that are doing this, going through this right now, are the ones that wake up shaking.

Guys that wake up shaking, guys that can't get on the treadmill, like the next morning, that's where you get fucked. So the second you start seeing that creep into your life, you gotta get that shit out. Like, is fun to day drink right now? Like, right now I can do it. But if you do it too much, you start becoming the guy who can't function without a cocktail. There's a guy right now, I know this goes to that really hard.

You know what I just pictured you giving that speech to Alkalox. Hey guys, you only have a problem if you can't get on that treadmill. If your hands are shaking, if you can't do a polar plunge and can't get your heat back together. You got some shit. I fucking, I do, my thing right now is getting back into working out is hard for me. It's like I just I've been doing this thing where I was wondering so what is your trick? Is it speed? What are you how did you lose the weight? What since when you're so skinny right now you look taller? So I've been working out and every day and

So I've been working out and every day and every day and and I do like if I'm on the road It's as soon as I get there. I used to fuck around and be like I'm tired. I'm a lounge around maybe work out closer to the show time I do it as soon as we get to the hotel. I drink one gallon of water a day a gallon of water a day every day Annie do you have water here? All right, bring me in a gallon. I'm gonna drink, I'm gonna drink, I don't drink enough water. I'm gonna drink as much as I can right now. Oh, you don't have to do it all right now. I'm gonna do it right now. Do it over the course of the day.

I like to do everything a little once. I like to do it all at once. Yeah. Um, eating clean. Okay, define clean. Eating clean. Okay, define clean. I'm just trying to eat things that you know are Just goes out so quick So we so what is does drink all of any water so we define clean and how are you doing that?

It's not that crazy So you know you know what I ate for breakfast? I've told you that before, right? No, no. You do the, I'm trying to think you do those little Starbucks things. No, no, no. At home I'm saying or like it, oh egg whites. Yeah.

So I ate five of those plus two whole eggs, spinach. That's all I have for breakfast. So. So a protein shake or bar after, like a few hours later. And then lunch is like checking her salmon with some veggies or maybe some rice. Then another protein bar or shake later.

And then dinner is usually either a lean meat, chicken, the same thing. Jesus Christ. Sounds like kissing your sister. Yeah. Fuck yeah, I want to spit my mouth. Yeah, I know I want the oh I Okay, yesterday I had but I'm not like I'm not like out there Measuring grams of shit. I'm just trying to eat like a general clean way I'm trying to I've been trying to eat salads and for like one of my meals.

Yeah. But then the wheels come off. I like I found these things called rap snacks. Yeah. God. They're so good. What are rap snacks? Rap snacks, it's all your favorite rappers

have their favorite chips in a bag. So whatever chips they like, they then put it in a bag. And so they can mix flavors. Like Migos has got a sour cream and onion, ranch one. Look at that, they're so good. Is that boozy? Boozy's got the heat. Yeah, and but he's got, and they are a little spicy.

The best one's Trina. Trina's got these honey jalapeno. How great is it that boozy's documentary's called My Struggle, which is the same as Adolf Hitler's book My god my god for my strut hero. Does he do you think anyone told him that no? Wait, what's Boosies documentary? I mean my struggle. I fucking Where go go you're not looking at it a little busy

That what definitely wasn't any putting that in there Just go to the inner of the all result instead of the images a little boozy Oh my god, it's called my struggle for real. Did does anyone tell him that that's what out of Hitler's My he's got to know right. I mean I think I think no Maybe he was like who's that and then they were like all right, let's just put it out That is fucking hilarious. I know his potato chips are fucking all That is fucking hilarious. I know his potato chips are fucking They are they really are His struggle his struggle it made some great

I did I just open a bag. I'm in there so fucking good wait, it's like they find wraps next Atlanta Yeah, yeah, and then I started thinking oh, okay. Here's okay ready? Yeah. So I was like, finish setting up your TV. What does that mean, Nandov? Nothing. Oh, it must have been a thing for the actual screen. I thought you were texting me. So I was like, okay, we can't do chips for comics, right? So like all these rappers, Trina, Busy, Migos, Rick Ross,

who else is it on there? I think that might be it. They all have their different rap snacks and they're really fucking good. Pull up rap snacks again. They're really fucking good. They are actually good and they're great. It's so funny. Shout out to trainer. Shout out to trainer cuz she you those puff is so Trina made these no trinas designed her own you they designed their own they're all They're all Oh, it's gotta be missed ma-master P so He got honey cheddar and sour cream. That's pretty so they're putting together all the shit they like I Haven't had the popcorn yet little babies are pretty good They the popcorn yet. Little babies are pretty good. They're really good. They're actually really good. Hold on, stop on those. If you pussy,

if you pussy taste like water, hold yourself on up. Go ahead. Wait, is that the same, no, that's little baby. Is that the same one as dub, baby? No, it's not. Okay. Salt and vinegar, barbecue, onion, garlic, and and more and those chips are fucking phenomenal little baby it looks like the dude who Y'all that me at the clothing store Hold on hold on hold on wait go go keep scrolling keep scrolling Those are awesome. Those are amigos keep going. Megos is all over. They've got like five different chips Keep going. Jerk Barbara Q for Cardi B. Cardi B, Red Hot Chatter. Fucking amazing. Dude, these actually

look great. They're so good. They're so good. I wonder if the FDA has approved them. Now, this would be by the way, if I were drinking, drinking on the bus, and I had a couple in me, you start to build your hunger goes up. I would rip, I would tear up five bags. To the slutty vegan maple barbecue kettle chips. Jesus Christ. These are so good. These would be a problem for me.

They're so good. And then I was like, all right, so what is comics? We can't really, we can't really go into the rap into the snack game the way they are, right? Because we're just competing with them. What if we rethought cereals? Like cereals right now are kind of one note. It's also, nothing, it feels like nothing new came out.

It's like all the same shit, right? Yeah, no one's really changing the game in the cereal market. And now I'm thinking, so then I had this thought, right? You eat cereal? I don't, because I'm not just a milk and sweet guy like I don't want to have that for breakfast however This is where my brain got flipped is coconut milk is So good when added with heat or or salty like when you when they you put coconut milk in any of like Ty food all the sudden you get this great feeling and was like, why aren't they bringing that to cereal?

Why don't they have a cereal where it tastes like, um, like chicken penang or, or you know, like where it's hot, but yet salty, but still sweet. And I was like, what if we came up with our own cereal, two bear cereal, where we embodied different flavor profiles, worked with a chef and got different flavor profiles. So when you chef, and got different flavor profiles. So when you pour your milk in, you're eating technically something kind of healthy, but it tastes like Asian food.

Right? It's not a bad idea? I don't know. It's an original thought. It's definitely an original thought. Definitely an original thought. Yeah. Like a savory breakfast cereal. Okay.

A savory breakfast cereal. Yeah, I mean, I just, with hot, where it's hot, so you're getting like, it's spicy. It's the kind of cereal. Can we just keep it that it's original? Yeah. And it's the kind of cereal where you want to put an egg on top of it.

Okay, okay. Here's the thing. I am incapable of imagining it. Yeah. I want to see it. Do we know a chef? Do we know a chef? There's one watching.

Can someone tell me I'm interested in getting into breakfast noodles and change in the game. We're going to change the game. We do what Rapsnacks does, but do is with comics right right and so oh right so it's like But then people will go to our serial first because we're doing Joey Diaz is Coco Christmas This is why we're a team right right right is a fucking genius idea and he's got the Cuban is a Cuban Yeah, it's a Cuban sandwich covered in milk Rogan is just like it's just doesn't taste like anything like grains and rocks, but it's really good for you

Yeah, and you're like, oh you shit like a wolf after this. Yeah, you're like hair in your shit No, it's it's elk cereal. It's elk cereal. Yeah, and why don't we do come okay pivot on flavor profiles? Aris Aris has drugs hidden in it. Yeah, Aris and there's only 25% less inside the box So you feel like you're getting ripped off Yeah, I think we do I think we do comic cereals. Yeah, and and put them on the counters and people It would be great. That's a good idea. Yeah, okay, comic serials. Good. I've been thinking about that for a long time.

Actually just yesterday, I was eating a breakfast burrito and I was like, why isn't this in a serial? Oh, let me tell you what happened at the store. Yes. So, I flew to LA because I have to follow up for the doctor that did this nerve surgery. Yeah. So, it's been 12 weeks and he's like, I need to see you in person. So, I fly in the day before and I stay near the medical district, which is in Beverly Hills.

I know that area. Yeah. My cardiologist is right there. Yeah. So, it's like a huge medical area in LA. So I stayed a hotel nearby and I'm there on Sunday, on a Sunday for a Monday appointment in the morning. So on Sunday, I have some time to kill, I walk around and you know, there's a bunch of shopping there. So I walk into a store and it's my favorite time of year because it's fucking light jacket season, which is all I wear,

especially on stage, you know, where bombers on stage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I walk in that season. It's the best, dude. And hoodies and sweatshirts, it's like the best time of year. So I walk into the store and, and you know, someone's like, can I help you? I'm like, yeah, do you have any jackets like this? And he's like, let me grab a... What's in the store? I don't remember. Okay. So, um... Just any old store on that thing? Yeah, but it's like, you know, it me grab a store. I don't remember. So just any old store on that thing. Yeah, but it's like, you know, it's a fashion store, like a luxury store, right? Or like, you know, designer clothes or whatever. Yeah. So it's one of the,

I guess, department stores or something. So I walk in and he's like, I'll pull some for you. So I tell him kind of what I'm looking for. He pulls a few jackets. I put them on. I like, I like these two. That one looks a little big. Let me go get the next size down. I go, okay. So. By the way, now you're excited.

You're like, oh, it does look big. Yeah, it's kind of big. So, he's like, and I go, he's like, I'll bring it here, meaning like where you're standing. So I'm like, okay. So, he leaves. And now I'm just a guy standing. Like, I'm just standing still.

And I'm not shopping anymore. Like, I'm not curious still. And I'm not shopping anymore, like I'm not curious what they have. I've already walked around. Yeah. So I just look like I guess I'm just standing. Just waiting. Just waiting. Like starting a line. And everybody has mask on.

We're all in masks. So I'm just standing there. This store also has like some nice seats, like sofas, within the middle of the store. So, you know, they look like designs, but you can obviously sit on them. So there's a few people sitting there. And at one point I'm just standing and I'm just kind of like waiting. And then I just kind of walk over here, I guess, to like look at something.

And this young black dude goes, you a secret shopper right? You a you a secret shopper. I think he's just like making funny banter. Like a secret shopper like they used to have that as a funny bone is that there would be a guy that would write a review of the show. I thought he meant like that's what I would think he'd mean. I thought he was saying it like did you go to church today, like having fun. Oh yeah, right? Oh, like bus and balls, like playing with you. Playing with me, so he goes, you go to your singer's shop,

without even thinking I go, yeah. He goes, he goes, he said, yeah, to his crew. And I was like, I thought I meant like, are you wanna stand as helpers? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You go to your singer's shop. So, I was like, yeah. I meant like, are you wanna stand as helpers? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You see her shouting? So, I was like, yeah.

You wanna stand as a person? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, he said, yeah, he said, yeah. He ain't even buying nothing, look at him. And I'm like, I thought I'm gonna run to get knocked out of there. You're like, he's like, he's like, he's not even touching nothing.

And they're talking about me. To in front of you. But he's the only one. His friends are not saying anything. So he's like, he ain't even like, he ain't touching nothing. He just stand in there. I'm like, where do you want me to stand?

And he's like, so you doing your job right now? And I'm like, what? He goes, are you doing your job? And I go, I'm buying a jacket. And he goes, oh, you buy a jacket, but I don't have a jacket with me. Yeah, you're waiting for it. I'm waiting for it.

I'm like, they're getting a jacket for me. I'm like, confessing to the guy. I'm like, I like jackets. And he's like, he's like, but big fan, it's like, it's like jacket season. Yeah, it's like jacket season. Yeah, it's like jacket season. It's, this is the fall. Later, and a few,

But every time a year, and a few months ago, I got a heavy jacket, but right now it's not time yet, you know? So, he's like, he's like, okay. And then he's like, you know, look at him, he keeps talking about me.

And I'm like, he's like, he's like, where's your, you're not shopping, I go, they're pulling a jacket, where do you want me to stand? You're not sure I not stand here like I'm standing with where we were doing it so His like he's telling his friend and his friends like kind of like nodding and I never do this you know I like I never do this. I immediately go. I'm a comedian

With no context at all that sounds so fucking weird. Yeah, it's so fucking comedian. And then his friend goes, he's a comedian, right? He's a comedian. If that's not a shirt, Tom's picture here, real excited. I'm a comedian and then a picture on the back. He said he a comedian. He a comedian.

I'm like, I'm like, oh man. And then I'm I said he a comedian is the shirt. Yeah, Tom's face excited With a light jacket on he said he a comedian I already I'm putting together because I realized what he's accusing me up He's like accusing me of being a, like an undercover security guy who is eyeballing, I guess in his eyes, black shoppers at a designer, you know, at a lunch up in high-end store and that I'm like, you're gonna buy something? Like that I'm doing that. But I wanna be like, you're the one saying it to me.

You're saying that that so I'm like I don't know what to tell you man and so they get up right they get up They all have like diamond chains on and like great. They have crazy designer clothes on and I'm in a t-shirt and jeans And I'm like all right, man And so the whole time I'm like well this guy come back with my fucking jacket already so that like damn in the back So anyway, I told him I don't guy come back with my fucking jacket already. So that like... Damn in the back. So anyway, I told him, I don't let people come in my mouth on the first day. By the way, he was definitely that kind of guy.

So... They go, this group walks like, I don't know, 10, 15 feet away. And I'm still standing in the spot waiting like, will you please bring my fucking jacket? Because I actually, at this point, look like I'm still standing in the spot waiting like will you please bring my fucking jacket? Yeah, because I actually at this point look like I'm doing nothing. So the kid that had like said because he's he's definitely like I don't know. He looks like he's in his late 20s or something. He uh he we all have our max on he pulls his mask down and he's like we are allowed to be here and I was like what? He's like he's like yeah he's like this guy you know he's like, we are allowed to be here. And I was like, what? He's like, yeah. He's like, he's like, he's like, I can shop here too.

And I was like, great. I promise there's a jacket coming. Like if you just hang out, this guy'll be back with a jacket in a few minutes and you'll see that I'm not security. Sweet. And then he's like, standing there and they're standing there

and his friends on his phone. And I'm fucking Google me man T.O.M. S.E.G. I'm on Netflix. You are a I'm on Netflix. They fucking hang out there and then leave 10 minutes later. The guy comes down I'm like how the fuck it how many jackets do you have back there? Where you can't pull, so it took like 20 minutes, and then they just, but they just like accused me of being a security guy that like felt like, of course they had like racial implications.

Would you recognize this guy if you saw him in a rap video? Like, you know, if he's covered in diamonds and designer clothes, it's like, there's, I mean, there's a certain profile of a person that shops on rodeo drive. It's usually people with tons of fucking money. So like I'm saying like if he's got it means gotta be, you know, if he's talking like that, he said he a comedian, he's probably not a lawyer or a doctor. I'm guessing. I mean, that was like his career. By the way, and a lawyer or a doctor, don't just start low in their mass, talking shit. Like I'm assuming with that attitude, he's in the entertainment industry. I don't know if he's in entertainment, I really don't.

I mean, I didn't think that- Why don't you YouTube influencer? Yeah, he could be anything. He could have any job. He's gonna, I hope he finds us. And then we get to have him on the podcast, then he can apologize. He's gonna, I hope he finds us. And then we get to have him on the podcast, then he can apologize. He would definitely never apologize. I bet he will. I bet he will. I believe in this guy. You believe in him? Hey, yeah. What's his name? Oh, we don't

know his name. Yeah, we got to find him. Okay. Let's go to the store see if they bought any thing. Track back receipts. I did tell the salesman what happened. What do you say? Yeah, sorry. No, I was just blowing a guy in the back. Sorry, it took so long. Great. Thanks. I wonder if there's a terrible feeling. It's a terrible feeling. Well, it's crazy about. I wonder, what's terrible feeling? Be even to say it for a cop? Well, in that context of like,

like not just being, I guess I'm... Being accused of being racist when you weren't doing anything. It was like, it was not spoken, but it was implied like what you, you don't think we have the right to be. I wanted to tell the guy, by the way, I never even noticed you and your group were here. You, you called my attention, you were like, are you, I turned around, I was like, what? I never even noticed you and your group were here. You, you called my attention.

You were like, are you, I turned around. I was like, what? I never even noticed them. That's, yeah, that, yeah. Being mistaken as being a racist, the best. Yeah. Like when they left, I was like, he leaves these black motherfuckers,

said this shit and they're like, Yeah. Yeah. It's weird, Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's weird because you can't, like you can't even call the cops on anymore. Because if you call the cops on someone who is of color, it's more than just calling the cops you're really risking their lives because the belief is that the cops come to shoot and shoot to kill. Right.

And so, are you suggesting that I should have called the cops in that scenario? No, no, no. Hey guy, I don't like the way they said stuff about me. No. Like 10 cops who up, who these guys? I'm like, yeah, man, right there. No, I'm thinking about George Perez posted a video. Did you see it today? Of George Perez posted a video of this white guy

talking to a Mexican guy about leaf blowers. I've seen that video where the guy gets out of the fucking car. It's fucking unbelievable. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. And the guy filming is like, okay, all right.

All right, I'm not driving in your face. I'm not driving in your face. I'm not here. And I mean, that is like, okay, all right, all right, I'm not trying to get in your face. I'm not trying to get in my face. I'm not here. And I, I mean, that is like, that's so interesting because there's such a fucking, my connection was this, is there's such a pandemic of people videotaping and calling people out. And like, I did. And that I wonder if that kid is just going like, this happens to me so much, he starts seeing it everywhere. So just any white person standing to close to him, he's like, oh, I know what you are, you know? And you're like, I thought what I was saying

that it was at all and then they're like, then what is it? We're like, oh shit. Yeah, the funny thing though, weird thing is honestly to have your attention called not facing someone. Do you know what I mean? You attention called not facing someone. Do you know what I mean? You weren't even facing them.

Dude, the first time the guy said something to me, I had to go like this and be like, yeah. Like literally, I was not even facing them. That is interesting, there's times you feel guilty. Yeah. When you haven't done anything, and then you're like, and then you say, because you're unaware of the and then you're like, and then you say because you're unaware of The situation you say the worst thing possible dude. I almost tried to face time to live quality and be like hey, man

I'd be like You're What's that way? I was like, what are my friends? What are my friends? You recognize it? I've been in the face time to live quality. Yeah, I'm talking about me like, hey man, we tell them. What do you talk to what do you talk to to live quality about? I mean anything like what? Could be used to call them up and go, how's your day? Something so no, it's just like we just text about something fun I take it's he saw something I did and then I might text him about a song music something Fun is a birthday and Meshado is birthday, you know, I'm really like how old is he? He's like orange. Yeah, like well more like my age

Or like my age. I think he's my age. Find out how old to lib quale is what a beautiful name. Tell me a good name. Kale to lib qu. Putting a I would love to listen to is born in 19 no. I'm jealous of most deaths beard. Okay. Here's my age closer to your close to age Where do you grow up and Brooklyn? Yeah? I had a run our test on the podcast. Yeah, and he watched your donk video. Yeah, it's maybe the best thing I've ever had on my podcast really possibly yeah possibly he grew up in in the Queens bridge housing projects. Queensbridge is fucking fascinating.

First of all, I didn't even realize, I didn't realize, put Queensbridge in housing projects aerial view. I didn't even realize how big these were. It's the largest housing project in the world. In the world? I'm fact-checked that, I don't know. Okay.

Okay. Do you remember, I don't know. Okay. Okay. Do you remember? I don't know if I ever told you a story about Timely Ant. Look at how big the Queensbridge housing project is. Go to a picture. Look at that. That's fucking massive. That is massive. Holy shit. Yeah, and so he he would describe blocks as in that's a that's That's Can't remember the name of the the group Mob deep that's mob deep block that's Nazis block that's you know, that's how he that's how they he knew a block I was like, that's kind of interesting. Do you remember the time that I tell you ran into Nas? No

Didn't I didn't say a fucking word. He was as close to me as you are right now. Where would you see him? Tampa What at our hotel what what yeah, we were both performing the same night different venues obviously wait uh and performing the same night, different venues, obviously. And we literally, they had told us there was a lot going on. I was at the Strauss. And I'm at the Strauss. Yeah. So I was doing shows there.

And I fucking there go, they're like, they were talking about leaving for the show. They go, we should leave early. And I don't like getting to the venue early. Yeah, I hate that. So I was like, no, I like to get there. And they're like, no, no, but it's crazy in Tampa tonight. I go, what's going on? And they're like, no, I like to get there. And they're like, no, no, but it's crazy in Tampa tonight. I go, what's going on?

And they're like, well, there's this rock thing. There's a second rock concert, one's like outdoors, one's in this thing. Then there's this other festival that Naz is doing. I was like, Naz is doing it. And they're like, yeah, he's like, headlining that. And then there's your shows at the straws. So it's like, there is a lot going on.

It's gonna be crazy out there. We should leave early. I was like, all right. And then we kind of just joked around that, you know, it's crazy that none of this is here. And then we went to the gym and we walk out of the gym to go to the elevators. He gets off the elevators and goes to the restaurant

and I go, we're going to the restaurant. So we were like, we walked right over to the hostestand and he was where you are, like in front of us, getting a table. And we were like, oh, do I say something? What were you gonna say? I'm a rapper too. So, no, you know, I actually was gonna say something

about podcasting because we had reached out to his publicist about having him on the podcast and they said they would do it but not at the they weren't available at the time. And I was like, just think I was like just keep that relationship going. But anyways, they put them his crew outside on this balcony, and we sat inside. And I was like, I'm not gonna say anything. But it was just wild that he was like, this close. And I couldn't think of something to say.

And then the next morning, Chuck was there, Charlie. And he was like, he texted me, he was like, how's your morning? And I'm like, fine, I just got up. He goes, have you rode the elevator with Nas today? And I'm like, fine, I just got up. He goes, have you rode the elevator with Nas today? And I was like, no. He was like, yes, I did. I did.

I got in the elevator with Missy Elliott at one time. Yeah? How was it? It was it. I rode in the elevator with 50 a couple weeks ago and talked to him. 50, I think, Miss Pat says 50 cent is probably

gives the best dick out of all the rappers. I was gonna talk about something else, but go ahead. Oh wait, so wait, let's talk about rappers who can fuck. Wait, so who said this? Miss Pat, we were talking about rappers who fuck. And she goes 50 cent, she guarantees 50 cent, gives pipe, like fucking, he fucks. Okay, and I was like, and I was like, that's interesting.

When you think of rappers, like I bet Method Man is a generous lover, right? Like I think he's like, I bet he like, because he's been a sort of a wife, he's been a lover of this wife, doesn't never cheat it, solid fucking dude. How do you know all this? Cause I'm a big fan of Method Man. And he's, he's fucked. One of the things I love about his wife, doesn't never cheated, solid fucking dude. How do you know all this? Because I'm a big fan of Mathemann.

And he's, he's fucked. One of the things I love about Mathemann, when I fell in love with Mathemann was with, he'd used to do this thing 24 diary on MTV, 20, you're watching the diary of Mathemann. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so a girl tried to kiss him outside of the tour bus one time and he went, whoa, whoa, whoa, what's fuck you doing?

She was like, no, and he goes, she's like, I'm a kid, I'm outside a tour bus one time. And he went, whoa, whoa, whoa, what's fuck you doing? She was like, no, and he goes, she's like, I'm a fan. And he goes, if you're a fan of me, then respect my wife. I'm in love with my wife. I remember, he said that. And like, it was done, it was shot in a way where you were like, I don't think he knows, he's not trying to put this out there. Like, he just, that's who he is. And I was, I kind of always looked up to him because of that.

And he's, he didn't interview the other day and it was just so fucking honest. This is what I kind of always looked up to him because of that. And he's, he didn't interview the other day and it was just so fucking honest. This is what I like about Mathemann. He's just so honest. He was like, he was like, you know, we got to go over abroad because all the money kind of dried up over here for us rappers of our age. So we do a lot of overseas shows. I was like, just that honesty like that. I was like, I kind of really respect it. I love Mathemann. I don't know know what oh, we were talking about lovers. No, you were saying who gives good dick and rap That is like what is the point yeah, sorry to dove This is not your great time. We should auction that off. Yeah, well, these new sets are just better and better

Yeah, you're on your way today good job, man I think I really called headache. Yeah, that was a lot of coldness. Yeah All right. My conundrum. Okay. And I put this out to the people listening. My daughters are cursed. Because?

Because they... All the cool people are going gonna be fans of us. What cool people? Cool people, people watches. Okay. Cool people. Okay. And they can't, you can't date a guy who's a fan of your dads. Right. So they're cursed, because they have to date dorks.

What if it's somebody who's cool doesn't like you? They're not cool then. They're not cool. They're something wrong with them. Right. I'm always shocked that someone doesn't like me. I'm always blown away. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, I was, have that one somebody, you were a meet somebody and you, you're like, oh, like you're just kind of meeting them. You're like, it's cool. And then comedy comes up and they tell you comedy they like and you're like, oh, it's so telling. It's so deflating though. You're like, it's, uh, that's what you like.

And they start mentioning names and you have to be like, no, yeah, no funny good person Here's the big I'm by the way, I'm not talking shit about this person, but I will say don't no Oh, yeah, I don't talk shit about people anymore. Don't forgot Fucking water all over my shirt. Yeah, I'm not talking shit about persons, okay, but Like when you say like what comics do you like and and they go I need like I don't I'm not talking shit about this person I like this person. I'm trying to think of the right name and they're like but they name a cast member on S&L Who is an a comedian and you're like and you're like no, I'm I asked you what comedians you like and then I go no That's and then I go okay. You don't know anything about comedy. Yeah, like you like that you're a fan of that person

They're very funny. Yes, like I think, I think someone I absolutely think is brilliant is, who's a girl that did the baby hand sketch? I don't know. What's her lady's name? Kristen Wig. Yeah, yeah. Kristen Wig is fucking awesome. Yeah, she's not a trained, she's not a comedian.

I mean, she is a comedian. I know, she's a comedian. But she's not a comic. She's not like a, doesn't do stand up. So when, when people go, oh my god, Kristen Wigs, yeah, you're like, oh, I mean she is a comedian. I know she's not a comic. She's not like a done-do stand up She's not a stand up so when when people go oh my god crystal Yeah, you're like oh it's time to stand up. Yeah, and then we'll feral And you know like he doesn't do stand up. What are we talking about here? Yeah, yeah, yeah, and then they go oh I don't know or somebody goes I love you know It's the equivalent of somebody being like I love music and you're like who you like and they go the Beatles

Yeah, you're like okay, but like anything else and they're like Rolling stones and you like you just mean like the most famous bands ever. Who do you like Chris George Carlin is good? Yeah, Dave Spalman big fan of Dave's well like if you say if you say you're a fan of Dave's spell for to me I go we all are right we that's given yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't know so I know how much you know about comedy right and then if they give me If they they then if they give me like actual names, which I'm like okay, but those names don't resonate with me It's like part of you feels like you're dying and if my daughter brings home someone and says and I go and he's like So Georgia tells me you're a comedian and I go I am

There's I A couple open mics myself. I'll be immediately. I'm like, man, we're getting rid of this fucking good Yeah, yeah, I'm a big fan of comic. I go who do you like and he's like Fucking don't have her and I and I don't like them. Yeah kids fucked. Yeah, kids fucked And so I need him so here's deal. I only think cool people are Fans of what I'm fans of like you want a kid to come home And to with Georgia and go and he goes I'm a fan of come I go who do you like he goes David tell and then I'm like I fucking love this yeah, that's exactly right. Yeah, but somebody says that then you're like yeah

Patrice O'Neal elephant the room is probably my favorite special. I'm like And now I just realized I'm looking for my daughter to fall in someone, love someone that's exactly like me. Greg goes, he's like, I like drinking and working out. I'm like, oh, that's me. But like, she's fucked, if, imagine if she is, imagine George Gage. I bet you had somebody who's like,

yeah, comedy, I'm not really into comedy. That's, George is gonna fall in love with. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, there's no way in hell George meets a guy and she's like, what are you into? And he goes, I'm a big fan of your dad. And he should be like, immediately George would be like, dead to me.

Oh right, right. Fucking, she was like, I will never speak. He could be the most best looking guy in the world and she'll be like, man, hard past. Next. It's gonna be somebody who's like, oh yeah, you do that thing, the device, right? Is that where you take?

I don't know what you're talking about, but I thought you called me the device. Is your dad's name the device? Yeah, the machine, the device. Is your dad's name the device? Yeah. Is it a machine? No, no, no, no, it's a device. And you're like, no, you corrected. You're like, I'm the machine.

I'm the machine. He's like, yeah, I heard something about it. You're like the beast or the animal, right? They call it the animal, the monster. No one calls me the monster. He's like, George, I call you the monster. Yeah. No, but it sucks because, like cool people, people I respect, right?

Like the shit I like. Like, all of us, if you're any of my friends, anyone that is in what we do, we're all like the same shit, right? And all our friends are like, oh yeah, two bears, one came as a good podcast. Collectively, I don't think any of our friends think the show is horrible.

And I think we're watching it like it. But I only want people watching this to, I think they're cool. You only want the people watching this to date your daughter. No, I don't, I don't, I don't. I don't, but like, so like when she comes in and he's just like, it just stinks that I fucking got rid of a whole swath of cool kids.

Maybe you line up with you on something completely that you like, because you also are like, you know, like you, but what if he's like, he plays golf and he likes baseball and you're like, oh, okay, these are things you like. Right, but then like comedy, he's like, I don't know, I just never, I don't, I've never really watched comedy.

Then you're like, okay, but then he doesn't not like you, he's just not even aware. But then, and then there, then he's got the thunderstorm coming his way called the machine. Yeah. Where he's all of a sudden within a week. He's going to be like, your dad is the funniest fucking human being. If you knew nothing about comedy and then you go to fucking dinner with me, you're going to be like, I'm just fucking, I, by the way, are they wide open fucking view of shit, I can throw you where where you're going to fucking lose your mind. And then by the way, I'm thinking about this

as if I'm dating these guys. Yeah, yeah, you are. Like, here's the thing, is that your boys, I wonder, what if this happens to like, I'm not equivillating us to Mark Wahlberg, okay? But Mark Wahlberg's kids, he's got kids. So like, and like, how do you not, how do you not wanting to, how do you not want to be friends with a kid

who's obviously cool, Mark Wahlberg's kids are gonna be cool, because Mark Wahlberg's are dad. And then also Mark Wahlberg is their dad, and you get to meet Mark Wahlberg. Like, how do you sift out through that shit? Yeah, it's a challenge for sure. And I'm sure it is. They probably have conversations.

Like you probably also develop in an eight sense of who has a genuine interest in you and who doesn't. I mean, you kind of get it yourself now, right? A little bit like when you can tell that if somebody is like connecting with you on a genuine level or whether it's like that you're an entertainer, right? You start to like, you do that. So I'm sure if you're a kid,

you're the kid of some like a notable person, then you probably develop a sense of, hey, this person is interested in me because of who my parents are. See, that's why you're lucky because you're getting to do this. You're getting to think about this before you do this. Like you were famous and then you had kids,

but you were famous already. And then all that, as your kids grow up, you'll have kind of eyes on that. Like I never had the eyes on that. My kids, all of a sudden, it was like, they were in like fifth grade and I was fucking working for travel channel and I was doing nothing. And then all of a sudden a couple of Netflix

and specials come out and then all of a sudden, two bears and, you know, we start doubling down on two bears and then all of a sudden you're like, fuck, it kind of fucks up a kid's life. I mean, does it fuck up their life? I mean, I know, when I was a kid, my dad was fucking famous. I would have fucking loved that.

Yeah, you're the personality that would definitely have really ever been like that. Like if your dad was like Dan Marino, you would have fucking loved that. Yeah, you're the personality that would definitely ever be that. Like if your dad was like Dan Marino, you would have been, I remember not bearable. I would have made sure everyone said my last name when they met me. Hey, Dan, I was like, my name's Dan Marino. Like if I was a son, and my name was Dan Marino also,

I'd be like, call me Dan Marino. Actually, call me just number 12, whatever his number is. Sure. It's kind of interesting, I don't know, it's kind of interesting to think that you don't realize what you're doing, how different you're making your children's lives by work, and I put so much shit out there. Yeah.

That you go, or, and then you just, one day you're just sitting like going like, oh, he's a cool kid, and your daughter's like, he's a fan of yours. I don't want to talk to him. You know, like, yeah, but he's, that's what's cool about him. That's what's cool about him. Yeah, he's a cool kid. He gets, he gets it. Yeah, he gets it. He knew who I was. And like, fucking, he was, he's like, dude, two bears one case, fucking, fucking cool, dude. Yeah. And I'm like, that fuck yeah, man. Like, I'm just a fucking Jennifer Aniston for your safety your safety. Oh come on man. That's the best. I'm like Love this guy. Love this guy. Yeah fucking love this guy. Who don't love a fan of birds?

And you think George is gonna be like oh my god Can't stand it. I get it though. Because don't you remember thinking that no matter what your parents are lame at first Or oh, I remember my Whatever your parents like you're like wrong. We went through We went through college tours and like kids were coming up recognizing me And they're like, oh shit, and you can just see George, I'd be like, my one to go here And you're just like, oh, no, am I ruining it for you? So I told her I said, it was funny because I said to her that I was like, hey, when you do these college tours with your mom and all and by the way

No joke breaks my heart to not be able to do something like that with her. It's all I want to do. It's all I want to do. Like, I want to do it more than anything in the world. I love that kid more than anyone. And more than I've ever loved anything in the world is that those two human beings. Yeah. Way more than Leanne.

Way, I barely have feelings towards Leanne's, compared to how I much I love these kids. Yeah. And so to go and look at colleges with the rights like a fucking, the next step of her life, I want to be a part of that decision. And to know that my presence ruins it, that me being there, turns it into something completely different for her. Yeah. And it fucking sucks. So bad. However, that thing that ruins it for her is also the thing that will pay for her to go to college. That's complicated.

I get what you mean. And so, and so I told her I said, and it was good and bad. I talked to her two days ago, three, two days ago. I said, I said, hey, you know, we're talking about colleges. I said, why don't you and your mom and Ila go look at colleges? I think it would be easier for you guys that way and she goes She goes, I want you there and I was like, I know, but I think I've ruined it for everyone So like so just you guys go and she was like, I don't care that you're ruined it I know that it becomes something very different and she's like, you know, I don't know just maybe shave off your beard And I was like, not doing that. You're fucking mind. Fucking, fucking, grow back. I got the idea of, you don't know, fucking fat I am. Shave off this beard. And I look real sad. Like, fucking.

How big of a check would you need to do that right now? To shave it. Like, how much right now? If somebody was like, I'll pay you to shave it. Knowing that right now? To shave it, like how much money? Right now? If somebody was like, I'll pay you to shave it. Knowing that it'll grow back. Yeah, it's gonna grow back. Just shave it off right now. Just shave it off right now.

Be real. No, I get all the money. No, he just managers. Yeah. It's gonna grow back within, you know, it starts growing back tomorrow. Yeah. Probably $150,000. Oh my God. And then you'd save it. Yeah, $150,000, I'd save my beard. Yeah, $150,000. I was gonna say a million, but then I was like,

I'm just gonna say, anyway, I fucking, you cut half of my dick off for a million dollars. Not really, but does not have to cut. But yeah, $150,000. I saw, you got me into watches, and there's a, and I keep looking at, I really wish I could get, like there's watches I want now,

like I never wanted to watch. He talked about the stewed fucking green watch. And now I'm like, and so now I'm looking at like things I want, there's a watch I want, and then I was like, I wonder what the nicest version of that watch is. Yeah.

And it was $149,000. And I was like, I'll never afford that. But then I think if you say, shave off your beard and I get that watch, then I'm cool. Yeah, because you can go buy that watch. I go buy that watch. You go with your hair like face.

Fat fucking face, fat fucking disgusting, little small mouth face. I grew up in my mouth. Do you realize that? No. I outgrew my mouth. Like, my mouth when I was younger was humongous. Yeah.

And then I got so fat that now is that's tiny little fucking cock-spoken mouth. F**king hate my f**king face. Dude, it's like looking in here. Like sometimes, it's the hardest I've ever heard in the dog laugh. That's the hardest I've ever heard in the dog laugh. When I lose weight, people go, god damn goddamn it your mouth looks huge and then I think my mouth. That's why I get fat You get fat just to make your mouth that look big. Yeah

No, dog. How are we losing weight in the dog? Your headphones on right there Yeah, uh, you ever put your head so okay. Oh, what are we do, Nidav? Let's get speed. The drug? Yeah, like they can type in a doctor prescribed weight loss medication. I think any weight loss medication will do that. I think all weight loss medication, like staccato or something, right? No, I want doctor prescribed speed. Yeah, we'll get that. If you want, I mean, I'm probably gonna do it the old fashioned way. What, not lose it?

No. That's the old fashioned way. Just talk about it aggressively. That's not the old fashioned way to lose weight. No, I'm gonna, like, I honestly think it's gonna fall off me once I actually start putting some weight. Cause I have not put any effort into losing weight in years. So I think the second I even like lift my arm,

something heavy like this is gonna come off. Are you motivated to? Yeah. You are? Yeah, yeah. What made you... What, why are you motivated? You know, just some clothes that used to be loose on me are starting to get tight.

I'm like, I don't like that. I don't wanna go up a size. And that's, I think this is the biggest motivating factor. Just that, just clothes? Yeah. Okay. No, yeah, because then you have to accept like Oh shit, I have to now get another size up. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, how much do you weigh right now to know? I think I'm somewhere between 260 and 270 something like that. No, I wear it really well. You do you don't look

260. That's what yeah a lot of people that see me they're like, oh, you're a lot less fat than I thought, and then there's people that say the other thing too. That's the other thing. You're way more fatter than I thought. That's so funny. That's not what I thought when I first met you. I was like, you're so red. Yeah.

I didn't expect you to be that red. Well, that's what Irish guys are. They're gonna be fine. Yeah, yeah. They don't make, there's gotta be, there's gotta be like, like, like, an NFT, not NFT, but, like, just on't make a there's gotta be there's gotta be like like like a An NFT not NFT, but like just on how rare a red headed Jewish person is Rare Are you into redheads Nadov?

Sure, I mean like I don't think I have like a hair color that I'm into you don't have it give a preference You know, I mean I have one preference. Just a whole. No. Oh, no, no, you know, just, you know, Catholic Christians. Oh, I'm like, Christian. No. Okay.

All right. Yeah. That's your preference. All right. So then what's our thing, the dog? How are we going to do this? Well, I mean, I was going to into a keto intermittent fasting and working out. Okay, here's the problem with keto though. Keto's a trick.

No, I've done it. I was like 60 years old. He's saying what Bert's saying to you is that it's about that's gonna be to lose weight and then you're gonna get off keto. Right, right. It's a kick start and then you maintain. Right, but why not just do something that's more sustainable like from the beginning? Yeah, I mean. But do you think I'm way more than a dove? Do you weigh more than a dove?

I don't think you do. No, I mean, you said you didn't, unless you're lying. Yeah, your number is lower. Oh yeah. Are you lying? I don't think you're 247. I think I'll probably 256.

I think that's probably. I mean, I've been honest. I know how I feel. Yeah. I'm okay. I can start with lifting weights next week. Yeah, Bert, like how do you want to, like, are you able to lift weights with your elbow?

Just then, next week I can start lifting weights up in new and rubber bands. And so, but I, my thing has to be diet. It has to be entirely diet because I already worked out. You see, I'm so jealous of someone like you because you have the type of body and like you're just made up where if you dial down your drinking and just eat decent, you'll lose 20 pounds in two weeks. Oh, if I quit drinking, I'll lose weight immediately.

I know. I know. I need to get on pills. There you go. Well, Bert, do you want me to be your accountability? I know I need to get on pills. There you go Well, Bert do you want to do you want me to be your account ability? Yeah, how do we do that do we should we text each other our meals? Yeah sure you want to do that Okay, let's start texting and why don't we do this meet me you Tom? So that so that Tom knows that we're accountability.

We'll text each other when we eat, what we eat. Okay. Okay. And even we can do pictures of what we eat. And then, is there a goal weight? Yeah, just actually. 230 would be, 220 would be amazing, but at 230 I'd become comfortable with. Okay. Yeah.

220 would be fucking, I was 220 to when I shot, hey big boy. And, and pull2 when I shot hey big boy and And pull up a picture of hey big boy. I'm still fat as fuck. You know what's this was crazy what if I lost 25 pounds right now. Mm-hmm. I'd still be fat 25 pounds. Wait, how much do you weigh right now 221? That's hey big boy. That's me at 220 Wait, that can't be right. But here's the question, I think that it's also... Goddamn it. I wonder, I wish I had...

Oh, I can actually tell you what I weighed then. What, do you know when I shot that in November of 2019? Yeah. I tell you exactly what I weighed then. Really? Yeah. Oh, because you have that scale 2019. Yeah. I tell you exactly what I weighed then. Really? Yeah. Oh, because you have that scale thing? Yeah.

They used to be a podcast sponsor. They did? Yeah, they were podcast sponsors of ours, and then they stopped, and I keep using them. By the way, can we get a podcast sponsor from Mugsy Jeans? They have been in podcast sponsors. They're fucking awesome. Okay.

That's why they're shipped to your house. That's why I'm wearing them? Yeah. I was like, I don't know who bought me these fucking jeans, but they're awesome. Yeah. I put them on. I'm sure they're not going to want my endorsement. Well, I don't think they sponsor us anymore. Well, it's good for fat people.

Because they've stretched like crazy, so they're never tied tied on you and they just get bigger and bigger and bigger. Alright, what was the date? November of 2019. That was the, when you shot, hey, big boy. Jesus, man, I weigh myself a lot. Yeah? November of 2019? Yeah. 23 lot. Yeah. November of 2019. Yeah.

232. Okay. Yeah, 233, November 30th, and we shot that right before then. So you were saying that 230 is a good goal. 230, I still look fat as fuck. Yeah, no, 220. That's probably not it. What about sober October?

Okay, you ready? Yeah. But don't forget, we did severe water cuts. No. So that way in weight is not our weight. October 31st, 2019. October 31st. Okay, okay.

You wanna see a picture of me October 31st, 2019? Sure. Uh, the dov. Can you plug my Instagram? Is that the, is that that's the workout time? Is that the one we wore the, where we work, we worked out every day or no? Yeah. Is, is that 19 the one we did today?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that the one already drugged me in? That's what I'm trying to find out. No, because I did my design special. Did you already drug me before my special? I don't remember. Okay, you look good there. No, he go to, I'll show you a picture October 31st.

I can just go to my calendar. I love this fucking. I love that you can go on your phone and find a date or find a time. Yeah. It was Halloween. I took a picture at Halloween and everyone says, I look skinny in it when you see the picture, but I think I look unhealthy, least skinny.

Really? Yeah, I think I do. Go to my Instagram. Oh, okay. I know what you're talking about, but it's gonna take too much. Hawaiian shirt. I'm more on a Hawaiian shirt with an aging knee.

I remember that. Yeah. Wait, is that the workout challenge we did? Is that the year we did the workout challenge? Do you know what I'm talking about? The workout challenge. Where the four of us competed about who could have the highest points?

No, what was that? Was that 2018? No, I don't think so. I thought that was 19. Am I wrong? I don't, okay, 2020, we didn't do it. Right, right? 2019 was when Ari drugged me.

Okay, because that was the last. But this is gonna take so long, man. Right, right? 2019 was when Ari drugged me. Okay. Because that was the last. But it's gonna take so long, man. Oh, no, so then what was 2018? One was yoga. Where's the yoga one? That would have been in 2001. This is, let's.

I got you. Oh, I got the scale in January 2019. Okay. I got the scale in January 2019. Okay. I got this scale in January 2019. Okay. And I was 245 pounds. Okay. I've been living at 245 pounds for a very long time.

The skinniest I ever was was that, yeah, just after so, October, which was 233. Yeah. Okay. 229. So, so, if you want to get to 225, let's say, 225, make it fair. Okay. And so, here's what 2, 25, let's say 2, 25, and make it fair. Okay.

And so here's what I'm gonna do. Nidav, you ready for this? Yeah. I am not gonna drink right now. I'm gonna go back to the hotel, I'm gonna work out. I'm gonna get on the plane, and I'm gonna drink vodka, and I will not eat, I will not eat. Nidav, give me an hour that I can start eating,

and I will not put any food in my lips until that hour. You know, it's good How about like a like you start eating at 2 p.m. Sounds great. Nidav like from 2 p.m. to 10 p.m. Is the only time you could eat that eight hour window. All right done deal. Have you eaten today? I have not eaten today I've had some coffee and some water. That's it. So I'm not gonna eat Which times your flight? Three Okay, so I'll have I have a little something something on this flight with a cocktail So I'm not gonna eat. Which time's your flight? Three. So I'll have a little something, something on this flight

with a cocktail. And then tonight at dinner, tell me what I get to order tonight at dinner and dov. Sam and how about salmon? Nope, you're gonna get a salad with just like a balsamic, like vinaigrette thing, like super low calories. Okay, then you have to eat fucking rocks. The fuck are we doing to each other in the dog?

Fucking is that dude, I like that salad, that's good shit. God dammit. All right, the dog and then tomorrow, do we have a scale here, Annie? He definitely doesn't have a fucking scale. Why would Annie have a scale? Why would Annie have a scale? I definitely don't. All right, I've been 155 pretty much my whole life one

Fuck chicks under 155 Wait, have you ever fucked a chick bigger than you any? Yeah, one time she was my first I never did the first time you ever had sex was with a girl that was bigger than you bigger girl Yeah, one time, she was my first. I never did it. The first time you ever had sex was with a girl that was bigger than you? Bigger girl, yeah. How much bigger? Like double. Oh, 300 pounds?

Oh wait, so I was like, no yeah, because I was skinnier back then. I was like maybe 120. So she was like, You're just all dick at 120, huh? You're just all dick at 120, huh? Wait, how much do you think she was? I don't, guess too for I think I'm bad at guessing was she bigger than the dove Well put your arms around the dove with your arms around the dog like you're doing them doggy style. Yeah, okay

What's she bigger than this? No, yeah, that's about right. It's about right. It's about this. Right. So she's about to 16, 27, dude. Yeah. 16, 16. Oh, that's fucking great. Oh, that's so fucking great. But it was horrible. It doesn't work because. Was she wider black?

She was white. Yeah. But it doesn't work because I'm too small. So it's like, I can't throw't throw you where I can't do nothing You know, is it is it bad if I say Fucking a black chick at 260 is different than fucking a white chick at 260. I mean No, that that's I think a black chick can hold 260 better than a white chick at 260 Does that make sense? I

I don't white chick at 260. Does that make sense? Um, I, uh, I don't know, I've never really thought about who can hold it. Like meaning that they carry their weight. They look a black chick at 260 is more attractive than a white chick at 260. We never talked about me being in a really dark chicks. Hey, Nadav, are you into a very dark black women? Yeah, I think I'm gonna. What was that racist? I don't know. He just says what he likes. What do you like? What do you like? Just white?

Uh, I mean, I've been all around, yeah, I don't know how to say it. Put just white, but just white. Pretty much just white. That's it. Pretty much any? Is that what you're trying to say to us without saying it? Yeah, my track record has a couple of those, yeah. There's a few of those, maybe most, yeah. Possibly. Maybe all of them. And then there's a lot of things, yeah. The dog just likes to stay away from Jays.

And then from Jays. Yep. You like Super Dark? I, we were watching that movie and I, for whatever reason I was like, I find it very sexy. Yeah. It's funny. Oh, like, I find it very sexy. Yeah. It's funny.

Oh, like immediately I went to the chick, the chick, on the second row, second row on the first, right down. Do you like that juxtaposition though, of like that dark with your come on it? By the way, I haven't even thought of that. Oh really? Yeah.

Yeah, I think that's sexy. I don't know why. I was like, I just, all, like, it's so interesting though, is, things that I was attracted to as a younger guy, all of a sudden, I'm attracted to very different things now. Like I was never attracted to chicks with freckles or like, like, like, skin, fair skin, ever, ever, ever, ever. And then I had sex with Leanne and I was like, oh my god, I found that so sexy.

Yeah. So, so sexy. And like, like, never attracted to red heads of my entire life. And I think Jessica Chastain's probably one of the fucking most beautiful women alive. I like this just happened last night. Last night I'm like, I'm like, I hate you. I was like, I'm really into really dark black chicks. Yeah.

I think, uh, what do I, what do I, what I'm like, I'm like, I hate you, I was like, I'm really into really dark black chicks. Yeah. I think, I think, what I'm not into. You know what, I'm less into blonde chicks than I used to be. Yeah. I used to be, I had to be blonde here or nothing. Yeah, I was. And now I'm like, yeah. I was very much into blondes too. I mean, so are.

I mean, yeah, but I'm saying it was like a, that was, I only, I ended up talking to, you know what I mean? I didn't realize how much it was a preference until I was like, I was in these different rooms. And they talked to the Blonde. Like, I go to a party and like, you'd see beautiful women, but I'd only end up talking to the Blonde. Shut up.

I wonder if that, and you're coded that way, where you find yourself, go, you don't even, your body just does it. You don't even realize it. That's what I'm saying. It was like, it wasn't just like, people would think that like, you're saying, oh, she's blonde. I will talk. It wasn't like that. It was that there's 10 women here.

And at the end of the night, you're like, I only talked to the two blonde girls. All right. Guys, send us a style of check, a type of check that we didn't know we were into. So we can Google and so we can Google pictures of them. Like type in hot gray haired woman. Okay. Like I want to see a hot gray haired woman. I'm never right now in my head. Right now in my head. I'm looking to two bears, one cave at gmail.com.

That's the number two. The word bears, the number one, the word cave at gmail.com. Right now I'm not looking. I'm not looking. I cannot picture a hot gray haired woman in my head. I can't picture it. Now you're not talking about what the like young women right now. I'm not looking. I'm not looking. I cannot picture a hot gray haired woman in my head. I can't picture it. Now you're not talking about what the like young women do now where they like make their hair gray. Not like Billy eyelash. I want eyelash. Oh Whoa, whoa. Yeah. Holy shit. Oh, fuck it. Just click the link. 2015 best hot women with gray hair holy shit

I bet Whitney coming with the great with gray hair. I think she's probably done that in the last year. Yeah, but she has Is this Pinterest? Oh my god? Fuck yeah, but there is there is a more mature look All right, all right real quick real quick. I got a P. Well, okay, hold on. What? The guy sent these in, I wanted to read them. What is it? You go P, I'll read them, okay.

So guys, I was concerned, by the way, I just realized I'm not going to be able to read this out loud. I was concerned about things I was going to have to do as an empty nester with my wife and I was worried about it. And you guys sent in some great, great, great, great ideas. Not all of them really apply to my life. Number one, Perth, these are an empty nester ideas that you can do with your wife when your kids go to college. Number one, Perth, you can fuck and smoke weed all day. My wife and our recent empty nesters and we fucking love it became, we came raging stoners and they have a regular fuck fest every day oh my god hey man we should

go to a sex store on our way home okay I'll write that note for them they that we should go to a sex store there's sex stores all over Houston Texas did you notice that or Austin Texas did you notice that I think there's yeah I I think I drive by one on the way home from here. I'm driving by one. I'm gonna stop and get some toys. I think there's good, I think there's really good sex stores also in L.A. I mean, in L.A. I'm only in Austin. Oh, I see.

And you can't shit where you eat in a dog. You can't go into a sex store in L.A. And they're like, Bert, and you're like, oh, hey, what's up? Wait, why not? Cause, I don't know. Cause what? Wait, where not? Cuz I don't know cuz what wait where is this x tours in LA? What do you mean? There's a whole bit like there's the hustler one. There's there's all sorts. I I want type pull in best male sex toys and I'm gonna I'm gonna go find this toy today. The thing is just gonna be like cock rings and stuff this toy today. The thing is just gonna be like cock rings and stuff.

Yeah, do you mean sex toys like for more? So that for me to play for by myself. Yeah, there's gonna be probably the, oh yeah, some sleeves. One that you haven't tried, it probably be the prostate massage. That probably one. Pull it up.

All right, there's a master bait or one that you kind of like a flashlight type thing. Well, this took a turn, Tom.. Sorry you're coming back to the bathroom to hear this Any in our googling prostate massagers I Think just it's a vibrating dildo that we put my ass. Have you done that yet? No, we're looking for empty nest Empty nest you don't have to be an empty nest or to do that do you? What's that thing? Is that a ring? Yeah Best cock ring. It's the best cock ring, but yeah, but that's our cock rings for girls

What no, I think they're for guys. What do you do with them? You put them on your cock? No, but you but it's it's there the pleasures for the girl No, not necessarily. Yeah, well, what and you get the one where it like senses your balls to like pulls them down We're definitely going to a sex store on our way home, it's both. And you can get the one where it like, cinches your balls too, like pulls them down. We're definitely going to a sex store on our way home, man. What's this? Another great single-struct, stroke pocket pool shot. Oh, those are those eggs.

Keep going, keep going, keep going. All right, you gotta clean that, keep going. I'm not putting that in my asshole, keep going. What is this? The love, honey, bionic bullet. That's like a cock ring that does it all so it like gets your balls and gets your dick, it gets her clit, gets everything. Jesus, any do you fuck a lot? I mean I have fun you know every now and then yeah. Yeah masturbating sleeves you can't just use that in your

bunk on the bus and then walk it to the bathroom like sorry guys I'm gonna give I'm gonna fill this on migrave real quick What they need is one of those that cleans itself Oh here we go hold on what's this b vibe rimming plug? You know what that's all about is Is that going your asshole? Pretty sure. For a guy? Uh-huh. You put that in your asshole and then I don't, but you could. What I'm saying. I'm being dead serious. You, a guy can put that in his asshole. Can you read what that says? The B vibe is a cut. The, the B vibe is the only butt plug on the market that simulates rimming or aniligus using rotating beads.

While it doesn't feel as pleasure balls a partner's tongue, it feels pretty damn good and doesn't require you to forerotiously clean out beforehand. While not necessary with the partner, I highly recommend you do. It's also a simple entry for men who want to explore anal play but aren't quite ready to shove a dildo in there yet. Hold on. You put that in your asshole and then you come order to order Hey, by the way, that's a fun thing to do next week because we put them in and then we control each others And see you can who can best we can get wait hold on last the okay Empty nest emails. Sorry guys new hobbies become a swinger, I'm gonna pass on that.

New hobbies, Bert, you can jerk off whenever, wherever, I already do that. Spontaneous travel, and I do that as well. You guys, these are really great, I'm gonna take these home and I'm gonna read these, share those with the lay-up. That is a great recommendation, hey, travel war, jerk off. Jerk off everywhere, smoke weed, go fuck your wife,

fuck your wife, your neighbor's wife. Yeah. Okay, what's that? We got to run is there anything we lost left well next week we're talking about beard maintenance yes we will oh oh oh what I want to do I want to do a live event in Cuba two bears live in Cuba That's a good idea. Right? We'll fly together there. We'll just shoot some stuff there.

Jump through a couple hoops first to get that to happen, but yeah, I think we could do it. Alright. Okay. We'll see you in Cuba. Alright, love you. Love you too. Bye.

Bird time, time and bird. One goes top to swap the other. Where's the shirt? Tom tells stories and barts the machine There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep the clean Here's what we call, two bears one cave No scripts to bet a booze amateur, for topology Dirty jokes, rotten she humor, no apologies

Here's what we call, two bears one cave to play as one game.