2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 106 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: November 8, 2021

SPONSORS: - Get an extra $50 off sitewide, on top of their Biggest Sale of the Year when you go to https://Kamikoto.com/CAVE and use the offer code CAVE - Go to https://3Chi.com and use code BEARS at checkout to receive 5% off your order - Get three extra months free at https://ExpressVPN.com/CAVE - Go to https://Squarespace.com for a free trial and when you’re ready to launch, use the offer code BEARS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain - Go to https://WHOOP.com and use code “CAVE” at checkout to save yourself 15% off today. - Go to https://HelloFresh.com/CAVE14 and use code CAVE14 for up to 14 free meals AND 3 free gifts! - Get 10% off your first month of online therapy at https://BetterHelp.com/BEARS. Today is a very special episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer recorded out of G-Bay Studios! We try to find the origin of Bert getting fat, figure out how many times Bert dumped in his pants, and gaslighting. The bears then talk about the whole situation revolving around the new Dave Chappelle special, Hannah Gadsby, and Netflix. Bert has the epiphany that he should be dressing privately on the road, which turns into a whole thing.

So why would you fat-shame me and not jump tape? When? Right now. But what do you mean? I don't know. When am I fat-shaming you right now? Right now. I'm fat-shaming you right now?

You were making me feel like I'm a crazy person. No, you are a crazy person. But... I- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Oh Wow, I'm not like that What is that? I don't know a dad gave it to me a dad a dad give it to me. What do you mean a dad a dad? It was actually a step dad I Think I'd be a really good step dad you do. Yeah, I don't think I'm not good of a dad like when I watch movies or when I see You know what I can't break my heart Like when I watch movies or when I see you know what I can't break my heart.

When I see soldiers coming home from more, then they go, I haven't seen my son like two years. Yeah. And then they go, I saw this one guy, his son's playing football, he goes, Hey boy, and his son goes, whoo, he's crying. Yeah. My daughters wouldn't do that. They'd be like, oh, what's up?

Like I those break me down every time. Oh my God. The son was your reunion. Dude, it's like, oh, what's up? Those break me down every time. Oh my God, the sobs of onions. Dude, it's like, yeah. Even the fucking soldier seeing his dog. Like the dog goes fucking crazy. Oh yeah, my dogs don't give a fuck. Yeah. I show up and they're like, oh, he's back.

Yeah. You know, the best one I got was I saw one, Hayden and Dov, right down a TikTok. I saw one I saw one who's like His dad's been in prison for 12 years. No his his He hasn't seen his uncle in 12 years. He's been in prison for 12 years And then his uncle sits next to him. He's like what's up? And he's like hey, oh, it's so, it wasn't that big of a thing, but then I kept thinking, what did he do?

Like, yeah, who did he kill? And like, like, and then I was like, he committed a crime. Like, we shouldn't celebrate him. Like, I get it, I get it, that it's like, that it's like, he hasn't seen him in a while, but he's like, he's also 12 years a long time to do a fucking-

Oh, the years is a serious run. And it was like sitting at me at like a waffle house. He was like, what's up? And he was like, ah, whatever the response was. Ah, dude, I'm blown away by people putting their emotions on TikTok the way they do. I saw one today and it was like, you know, when they put the writing and like the reaction I had,

when I found out that my husband was leaving me after 10 years of marriage and this woman was Clearly three bills and she's just sobbing in a fucking corner of her house. This is what her tick is on her tick talk I go who the fuck puts that out there. Yeah, people people don't know what not to share That's a big thing and it's a big reason why why am H live seven is gonna be a real hit What day is I why am IH live seven is gonna be a real hit. What day is it? Why YMH, what day is it?

November 18th. Shit. I thought it was Saturday when I'm in Cleveland. I'll be in Cleveland. At the fucking whatever energy center or whatever. Whatever Jake Paul fought at, that's where I'm fucking fighting. Okay. There you go. That's where you're fighting? Well, I'm whatever.

I'll be fighting my inner demons. What's the name of that Cleveland place? Are you doing that? What are you doing in Cleveland? Uh, I don't know. I don't know. I don't remember. The Rocket Mortgage Field House.

It's a big place. Yeah. I'm a big act, Tom. I know, I know you are. I mean, gain and wait. Ah, that's cool. By the way, the thing that, the thing that I know, I know you are. I mean, gain in weight. Ah, cool. By the way, the thing that I think, the one thing that gets me to lose weight

is that you guys cheer on the dog, you're like, you gotta be burnt. Can you imagine if you were skinnier than burnt, and then all of a sudden, I'm the fatest fucking person here. Well, no one said that though. All right, but that's my, the dog's shut your fucking mouth. That's what I hear in my inner head. That's what I hear in my inner head. Oh But that's my, the dobs shut your fucking mouth.

That's what I hear in my inner head. That's what I hear in my inner head. Oh, that's what you hear. I hear you guys laughing to each other going, oh my god, you're doing great in the dog. Oh shit, Burst is gonna be the baddest person. You know, I was never fat, right? I was never fucking fat.

Yeah, let's do the baddest person. You were the baddest person. I knew. Yeah. And then, and then, and, but you know what you forget? You forget that you fucking Jedi mind trick me into being fat? No. Well, you forget that you actually met me.

I was thin. You actually forget that era. I kind of forget that because I just remember you fat. I know you forget that like when we were first doing dates together. Yeah. This is like O304. I was like 210205. Like I was actually pretty good shape, like decent.

And then I definitely got way fatter. Yeah. And you were just like hovering. And then you got to, you pull up a picture of me when you think I was fat and I wasn't even that fucking fat. Now I look at it and I go, I was legit skinny. And now when I look at it, now I look at it and I go, I can't believe I got mind tricked into being fat. Well, there's some of these ones.

Mind tricked into being fat. No, what you did, here's what you do sometimes. You put out the thing, you put, you are a propaganda master. Uh-huh. I sometimes empathize for Christina because I bet she was drinking more water than you. And I bet you tricked the world into thinking you drank more water because you do that killer water at the end of this show. And you're gonna like, I go water.

Oh look, there you go, look at you, right there. When Tom started fat-shaming me, I was maybe 220. This is, but you don't understand why I fat-shamed you. Because you embarrassed of what you looked like. No, no, that's part of it. But like, but what happens is when you're fat and people call you fat, you're like, okay, and sometimes you're like, you wanna tell people,

oh by the way, you're fat too. Like, it doesn't mean that I'm not, but you're also. I never called you fat. Sure you did. Never, never, I actually not, but you're all so. I never called you fat. Sure you did. Never, never. I actually, hold on, start this over. Nadav, you have to be on to Bears team, not your mom's house team right now, to Bears team, okay?

What's up? I understand, I'm putting on the headsets. Okay. I understand, I understand your loyalty to Tom. I get it, okay? But you have to be real about this right now. Okay. Had I ever fat-shamed Tom before he started fat-shaming me?

Well, I mean, I haven't been around since the beginning. Oh my God, dammit. You are so talking. No, no, no, no, he's not. I don't have content. He's being right. He's being realistic. You didn't, listen, listen.

You didn't. Oh my God, no, this is your glass gaslighting me. You're gaslighting me right now. No, if you do this to Christina, we should have a sign where she goes like this, to get out. This is, you're being crazy right now. No this if you do this to Christina We should you should have a sign where it goes like this to get out This is you're you're being crazy right now. I'm not being crazy. Oh bullshit bullshit you listen to me You lunatic listen. Oh my god listen to I'm the lunatic you are the lunatic listen listen listen listen You teased me a lot about being a fat. I never once absolutely never once to I never once to know yes

You did it you You did You're fucking wife, but I never once called teased you about being fat You did and it's and it's how look you're lying right now. I'm not lying You would bust my balls about being fat. Of course you did. Of course you did. Harry, yes. Not fat and buddy. Never. You definitely did. And it's fine. It's fine.

Oh, don't forgive me for something I didn't do. I didn't do it. You forgive me. I'm not a reviewer except your apology. I'm not a reviewer except your apology. I'm not a reviewer except your apology. I'm not a reviewer except your apology. I'm not a reviewer except your apology. I'm not a reviewer except your apology. I'm not a reviewer except your apology. I'm not a reviewer except your apology. I'm not a review out. This is how you be crazy people! No, listen to me.

You fucked with me and it's- This is insane! This is fucking insane! That's insane! Oh, I'm gonna call somebody right now. You always did. And listen, listen, I have- Don't do fucking fucking things!

I'm gonna call somebody right now. You always did. Listen, listen, I have- Don't do fucking things! I'm gonna call somebody right now you always did and listen listen I have I I didn't do shit I Get them forgive you No

Listen I I Know that I do forgive you saying I drink this is my I fucking drink Conchistina get Christine online no dog no all color I think you call yeah I can tell you if you go to my I can tell you if you go to my if you go to my vlog I was very innocent. I was an innocent bystander. I was doing a weight loss challenge to myself. I was putting it online and then all of a sudden Tom and Christina I don't remember hearing the first time people started calling me fat and I was like, I called you and I go, Hey man, I'm getting called fat a lot.

And you're like, oh yeah, I was just giving you a heads up. That like, we might have been talking about that a lot. Uh, fucking yeah, I remember that part. Nadav, do you ever remember a subject line ever on your mom's house of, hey, birth's been calling Tom fat? No, no, but you're, you're talking about it in two different contexts. What I'm saying is, it's true that you didn't have like, bits and like you weren't saying on your pockets.

I'm saying in our friendship, you teased me like the way friends do. Oh my God, oh my God, you are a lunatic. I'm not a lunatic. Do you remember being in the car and you're going, you really burp a lot? Yes. I go, yeah.atic. Do you remember being in the car and you're going, you really burp a lot. Yes. I go, yeah.

Okay, just giving your heads up. Yes. And I was like, I didn't know I did that. That comes from the person who says, I noticed this about you. I never sat in the car with you. I was like, hey man, is that, do you need an extender on that seatbelt?

You, that's a total kind of bird joke. Yeah, of course. I never said that. I never said that. You maybe didn't say that specifically, but you just not like you never fucked with me. I don't have your goddamn wife's phone number. Give me your fucking phone. What does she change your phone number to? Here, let me give it to you real quick. What the fuck? Here, let's see. I have so many, I think you should

outlaw the name Christine. I know. Christine, Christina, Christina, Christina, Christina, what's on the phone call her? Is it still through or now? No. Fucking shit. Hold on, don't you fucking... I won't. I'm just trying to be real. I'll pass to you.

Come on. BEEP. Oh, see if she answers. They never answer when you wanted to fucking answer. Yeah, I, do you ever want to just cancel their phone on them and go, that's what you get? Yeah. You don't get a phone anymore. That's a new rule, because you don wanted to fucking answer it. Yeah, do you ever want to just cancel their phone on them and go, that's what you get? Yeah.

You don't get a phone anymore. That's a new rule, because you don't have to use it. Go get a fucking, cancel her phone. Call AT&T right now, cancel her phone. And then she'll go, hey, my phone's not working. Yeah, really? How did you know?

You don't have to fucking use it. Yeah. I want to do that all the time, Liam. I want to take privileges away sometimes that I go, I call her Liam, I can track them, I track them on my phone. And they're all sitting in the same fucking room and I'm face timing all of them

and none of them fucking answer. And I just want to cancel all their phones. And then when they go to use it, I just walk in and they go, our phones aren't working, I go, yes, because you guys don't know how to be civilized fucking human beings. Right, so you can answer the person,

the page roll those goddamn phones, and they're not allowed to say that. The person that page roll those fucking phones, answer it when he calls. Yeah, go get your he calls. Yeah. Go get your own phone. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. So like, okay, so I took your harassment for years and then what happened was when I got to a point where it was just all I did was, you always did was. This is like, by the way, I wanna play along with the bit, but I need you to know that this did not happen. Like this is not how this worked.

I remember where I was when I found out I was fat. I was jogging, I was jogging in Alabama. I was jogging and I found out I was fat. And they were like, Bert looks like Gerard Deppardew. Oh, we talked about that. Yeah, no shit! Did I ever say that to you? Never! I found out I was fat. Yeah. And they were like, Bert looks like Gerard Deppardu. Oh, we talked about that. Yeah. No shit!

Did I ever send it to you? Never! Never did I send it to you. No, but also, you did kind of look like Gerard Deppardu. No, I didn't know. Yes, you did. Pull up, Nidap. Pull up my fucking vlog.

Pull up my weight loss vlog. Pull up Gerard Deppardu is a naked being interrogated and tell me you don't have any similarity. So when we saw this- Not now, not now, now I might. That doesn't. That looks like a f**k. Stop, stop, stop.

I might look like that right now. I'm like, I wanna see that guy do an hour and a half. Is that really him naked being interrogated? Yeah, but it's in a movie. Okay. Yeah. Why would he take that role? Because he looks good.

By the way, cut to me in the machine. You're like, why would he take that role? So yeah, I think we had just seen that. We're like, oh, Bert, is in a movie. Hold on. Now hang on. Yeah. It's fair to say I might look a little bit like that right now.

Okay. But at the time, I was like, but which is depressing the fuck out of me because I did not look like that when we started, Nadav, go to my YouTube page, go to my vlog, when I started doing the Weight Loss Challenge, that's when you guys started bullying me. Really?

Yeah, you, you pulled up, you always reference the ukulele photo. I thought that was, No, no, that's way after. That's way after. I started doing this vlog and you started making fun of me for doing a vlog. You guys started watching it and then you, yeah, yeah.

You're fucking a vision actress. I'm not always gonna take into the food. There you go, hit vlog, hit videos on vlogs. Okay. And go to wait, something weight loss. Something weight loss. Gotta be early, it's gonna be early. It's not that one

Oh, sorry, I had it says weight loss in it. Oh, it does okay. It's that one. Okay. What years it from so Scrolls it say the dates skip ads December 2015. Oh, that could be definitely when you guys started cuz I know that I started Okay, okay, you can play the audio on it. I look okay By the way, I don't look that that's I look kind of like I look now. How much can I wait here? Yeah? Oh my god, I look exactly like I look now, okay Oh Oh fuck I actually did look like him. All right, see what I weighed play the audio. Oh It's from the movie stripes that that'll get flag. Oh, yeah, is that why I don't get funding on this? Oh, here we go Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! I'm so excited to be right now!

Oh my god! Shut the fuck up! Yeah. Shut the fuck up! So in a way. Shut the fuck up! We were doing it. Hold on.

Stop. Stop. I'm not going to forgive you. Don't you turn. You into forgiving me, into me and into forgiving you. Well, but I do forgive you. Don't you turn, you into forgiving me, into me into forgiving you. Well, but I do forgive you, because for years, for years I took it, I took it, and I understood it. I had other friends like that too.

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. That's not real, that's not real. That's not real, that's not real. That's not real. When you're fat, that's not real. One of your friends gets fat and you wanna go like, oh hey, you're fat now, you know that? That's all that happened, that's all that happened.

I can't believe I just saw that. I know You're like, oh, I was really in good shape back then Exactly. I'm actually skinnier today than I was then I think that is insane Nidav can you Yes, is mind blowing to me So wait, have I like how long have I been fat? Like, you know, you live in a world, I think I live in a world of denial, right?

Where you don't realize what is going on, and you're just kinda like, like, that's 2015, I mean Flirting with that weight. I'm in my 240s to 30s to 30s skinny for me now All right, I'm definitely doing that by the way just so you guys know I'm probably on I'm probably skinny right now If you're watching this because we shot this like a couple weeks ago So if you see me to show you're like I'm confused you were fat when I saw you on TV on Monday I get a lot of messages about it. But you being fat? No. About you, but.

But how fat you are. You do, I do. And Leand does. She does? Yeah. Leand gets messages about two bears one cave. That's all she gets messages about. Two bears one cave.

About precisely the story about Priscilla and my act. That I'm not gonna tell my special, but I like telling on stage, because it helps me get feelings out. And she gets a lot of messages about that and but two hours on cave But not fast stuff. Let me say I don't want to I don't think so Wait, I'm not a lap man can no guy right no all you need to do is dial back your fucking lunacy for a little bit You'll be fine. You're just a man. I don't know how that works though. What do you mean?

You're just a crazy, but how did you do it because I really don't understand it? All I'm doing I'm not even know how that works though. What do you mean you're just a crazy, man? How did you do it? Cause I really don't understand it. All I'm doing, I'm not even doing anything that crazy. I'm really not, man. I mean, I went out, I had a couple drinks. Yeah, there was right. Right. But that's, I mean, that's all I did. And then my eating, my just my eating, man.

My eating is probably just a lot better than yours. Can I tell you a mischief tape? He was great. I'm like, I miss his brain. You know, like he has such a fucking. I can't tell you a mischief tape. He was great. I'm like I miss his brain. You know, like he has such a fucking... He's a fascinating brain. He's really a fucking fascinating brain.

Smart, super empathetic, very funny, really interesting guy. He is the, you know, when you see guys, I hope this comes out right, so I know Jeff may not take this right. When you see guys that go, that a virtue signal, certain politics and stuff, Jeff actually really feels those and doesn't virtue signal them. Does that come out right? Yeah, yeah.

When you hear like a male feminist, the guy goes, I'm a male feminist and they march in the parade and you're like, are you though, or are you just trying to get pussy? Is that your angle to get pussy? I feel like Jeff Tate actually is a guy who empathizes what the thing is, but he'll speak it to you if you talk to him,

but he's not the guy fucking put it out there. And that's a life story I like about him. Yeah, he's a genuine guy. He's a genuine and he knows who he is and he has his convictions and he's super smart. I mean, he's a really intelligent, really intelligent guy. Is he partying or not partying? He has like, you know, have a couple drinks.

Okay, good thing. He used to party, party, party. Yeah, nothing. Yeah, he just has a couple drinks. And he started going to the gym a lot. So he's in the gym a lot now. Yeah. So why would you fat shame me and not Jeff Tate?

When? Right now. But what do you mean? I don't know. When am I fat shaming you right now? Right now. I'm fat shaming you right now? You were making me feel like I'm a crazy person.

You know, you are a crazy. So like I was telling someone I'm on stage other than I did the night. I'm talking about just shitting my pants and like I shit my pants. I shit my pants a lot. And then I'm sitting there for the first time in my life and I'm like, do people not shit their pants? I mean usually they have like a time they remember it happened. It happened. Yeah. Like the time it happened. It happens to me so often. How often do you think it really happens? Like, wait, hold on, what do we talk about? Like a little like squirt and like,

oh yeah, I gotta go to the bathroom real quick. Well, how about there's shit in your pants? That's a loaded question. If you're talking about shit in my pants, probably more often than I know. The shit runs down your legs. No, no, no, no, but no, but I mean, like, there's been times where I pull my pants down and I go,

oh, what the fuck is that? Like, you're on like, fuck. Really? Yeah, yeah, that's happening. But you're also like a big, I saw you did a poll a little while ago on your stories about who wears underwear. And it was a lot of underwear wearers. Oh my God.

And you were surprised. Thank you for bringing that up. Yeah. How many times have you seen a woman like a girl you dated and you see their panties? And there's like a little shit standing there. And you're like, okay, never mind. The poll was astronomically in favor of no women wear underwear, no women do.

Women do? Ever? John Mann's, my cameraman was like, all men wear underwear, no women wear underwear. That was his theory. And it was pretty much that kind of way. It was like, I wanna say 98% of men wear underwear. And then, fucking 40% of women don't wear underwear.

Huh? Is I think that was the poll and it was astounding to me. Cause I used to see a lot of shit stains on your ex-girlfriends. I know this one's still stuck on that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really? Yeah. Yeah.

Songs or like, you'd see like, their panties were never like pristine. Really? Yeah. There would be like a little skid mark and then fucking You know, yeah, yeah, I maybe maybe it's just one pair that stood out to me Maybe I didn't investigate anyone, but like I remember seeing that and going like okay, normal and then because I don't wear underwear If it would rise up you really you never wear underwear Like did you wear it high school? I Remember we were just talking about this the other day.

I remember romantically being interested in boxers. I remember being like, I wanna be a man. I'm ready to be a man. I was probably like seventh grade, sixth grade. And I had seen men wear boxers. You were like, I wanna be that. I wanna be that. And so I started wearing boxers.

It was against how silly. I would wear shorts, and then I had my boxers hang out at the bottom of my shorts, so people knew I wear boxers. And they're like, that's a man right there. Isn't that fucking crazy? I would only wear longer boxers. I'd find longer boxers. And then I'd make sure we're shorter shorts.

So they'd be like, my boxers. So that people knew I wore boxers. What people I make sure we're shorter shorts. So that my boxers, so that people knew I wore boxes. What people say things to you about them? No, I think I was the only person that did that. I was so bizarre that I must have looked like a fucking lunatic. Yeah, you probably did. Hey, I'm gonna dive, see if you can find pictures

of boys wearing boxers under the, like, now that I look back, I thought, I thought, I must have seen a pair of boxers. Like I must have seen a dude with boxers under like I now that I look back I thought I thought I Must have seen a pair of boxers. Mm-hmm Like I must have seen a dude with boxers and you're like oh, and I was like I'm that's me and I thought that was cool Yeah, and so I wore boxers under my shorts and they would hang out well No, that's not it Like the way black dudes will have their pants hang low. Yeah, I did that with boxers, but the opposite other way. Yeah, that is fucking crazy.

That guy's doing it right there, right? His boxers are in the shoes. No, he's not wearing shorts, I don't think. When boxers are longer than shorts, that's what that's what that's what that's. Yeah, good visit that site. That's on Reddit. Yeah. Is that not cool?

Oh, I should bring that back. You should bring it back. Let's go. Can we zoom in? Look, we punch it on that Okay, that's not as cool as that whole thread of that or is that just that one photo? Just that one. Okay. Hey, anyone hit me up and let me know if you thought that was cool If you're you got to be like in your 40s and then did you see that? I thought that was a trend But I think now that I look back,

I think that was just me. Because I was the only one doing it. Yeah. You said a trend. No, I know whenever I'll still it. Now that I think about it. Wait, I wanna go back to being fat-chamed. So, did, um, you know what we should do?

We should have mediator one time. Yeah, yeah. I, you're almost about butt plugs first today, and I'm gonna do it on my next trip to Austin because there's a million sex stores by where we are. And I wanna buy butt plugs and I wanna play a game. Okay. And see who puts it in the ass.

Okay, all right, we're gonna play that game. Okay, next episode of Two Bears One Cave. Catch it. So let's, oh yeah, we're gonna play that game. Okay next episode of two bears one cave catch it So let's oh yeah, I get those sex ways get to go. Yeah, I know I almost did today, but our fucking driver was freaked out Really? He's like excuse me. I was like can we stop my sex story. He was like I mean Okay, so wait, you don't think that you Behave at least or consume like kind of like a lunatic? You know you do, right? Like impulsively.

I don't know. You know, I'm, I've said this to you before. I'm very unaware of how I am perceived. I'm very unaware of how I am perceived. Like, you know, I actually thought about it today when we got here and we rolled in deep with like five dudes, set up shop and any kitchen and I'm laid down on his

couches. And then I was like, at one point I was like, I should ask any if this is cool. All right. Like, but I'd already done it. I'd already done it. And I'd already asked him where his hot sauce was. I was going through his fridge. And then he was like, I go, where is your fucking hot sauce? And he's like, it's above the microwave. Like, like almost like, why are you going through my fucking shit? And I'm critical of people. Like I'll say, like I did it to, and he's a perfect example. I don't know how I'm behaving.

I go, you put your piece on top of the fridge. And he's like, like, in his house, in the end of the brain, he must be like, you're in my house. Yeah. Can you please not critique me on how I'm living in my house? Right. You stepped into my house.

I'll do that with people. If I see a young man using a fork and knife wrong, I'll stop them. And I'll tell them how to use their fork and knife. What do you, you will stop them, I'll stop them immediately. John Mann, are you awake? How many times have I stopped young men

from using fork and knives? How many times have I stopped young men when they use their fork and knife wrong? Yeah, what are you what are you saying? I say, man? Let me teach how to be a grownup Yeah, they fucking don't be an animal. I'm let me show you how to be a grownup and because are they open to it usually? They don't I think it's aggressive It's probably pretty aggressive, but I but I I don't know I showed them like how to show them I show them I show them I show them I'm gonna hold a fork in a knife. I say you're

It'll be like some fucking moron holding a knife a fork like this. Yeah, and then holding his knife like this I'm gonna be at a separate table No, I had that has happened that has happened that has happened. Yeah, that has happened It that and I'm not proud of that one, but But usually it's like before sitting with someone and they do this I go stop stop stop That has happened. Yeah. That has happened. And I'm not proud of that one, but usually it's like if we're sitting where someone and they do this, I go, stop, stop, stop. Let me show, don't do that.

You're doing it wrong. Let me show you how to use fork and knife. Your fork goes in this hand like this, pointing down. Thank you, man. Thank you, man. And I would like to give a public service announcement to all you fucking animals out there.

I, by the way, I'll tell you, I'm a big fan of this. Because it's absolutely insane to watch somebody. If you're cutting steak, if you're cutting, your fork goes like this, your knife goes like this, and you cut, like this. Not like this, this, and this, and I just want to teach them. It's like stopping someone from saying the end word. You go, hey man, please don't do that.

No, but it's just manners. It's not a bad angle saying the N word. You go, hey man, please don't do that. No, I'm, but it's just manners. It's not a bad angle. That's a different one. But it's like, it's like, it's like, it's going like, hey man, you don't do that. You don't do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't do that.

And you're helping them in life because someone had to teach me at one point, and it's uncomfortable. And, and, and, and, and, and, and one that had to teach you. How to hold the fork? How to say it was all of it. It was like, I'll give you all etiquette right now when you go to dinner With your boyfriend or girlfriend's or boyfriend's family you start from outside in So whatever cutlery they have on the outside you work your way in I learned it the hard way

It was uncomfortable. So I'm gonna teach me in front of a bunch of people and I was embarrassed Yeah, but I learned and then I never had to learn again And I never worried about it. I was embarrassed, but I learned, and then I never had to learn again. And I never worried about it, and I was confident. When I sit down, I knew I could talk to people. So cut the read outside the end, and then when you have a salad, feel free to use your hand. Don't use your fingers, I learned that one.

Don't use your knife and scoop it up. You're not allowed to do that. And then when you get steak, fork, knife, cut into the mouth, that's how it works. And I've stopped kids, because I go, don't. Now do you do that thing? That's an old style where you eat up with the fork bent that way.

I do it that way. I do it that way. No, I do it that way. I feel more like a pirate when I do it that way. I feel like a man. I think that's actually even like regal to do it that way. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There are guys that will cut it and then stab it.

Leanne does that. Leanne will do it like that. But I had to teach both my girls and it was fun to teach my girls how to do it. I have no problem stopping. I would love. I've society would allow me to just go to table to table and be like, hey man, you're doing that wrong.

And then but then I would be inviting that to do that to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So. And then, but then I would be inviting that to do that to me. Yeah, yeah. So. It's so funny to hear you talk about etiquette. And then watch you exist in the world. Yeah, see, that's the thing that's, that's the thing that's,

deceives me. Yeah, and I think the rest of us, let's be very honest. Okay. I completely felt like you were out of the blue. This is very real right now. Okay. I thought I completely thought you were out of the blue fat shaming. I thought I was 220 pounds.

I watched that video and I'm as fat as I am today and I'm disgusted, right? Now, I was oblivious to what I was oblivious to it. I lived this in like with blinders on where I don't see certain things. We all are capable of that. I am so bad at it. Yeah, but I mean, we're all capable of that. I am so bad at it.

Like, I don't even realize it at all. And then I go, and then people see the way I behave. And so I go, let me teach you, etiquette on how to do a Fork and Knife. And then all of a sudden, we get on a plane and I'm drinking double teedas and sodas. And they're like, Jesus Christ, he's like a fucking animal.

And you get the fry. Rob, you're right. I ordered 18 cheeseburgers. I can't. And I just don't, I don't know what it is. I wish there was like a, I mean, I like the way I am, so I wouldn't want to pill to change it, because it, and definitely suggested that.

So it's my therapist, oh, of course, they definitely think I should be on meds. Drew doesn't, Drew doesn't, or maybe Drew does. I think Drew does maybe. He thinks you should be on something. What, like a Moose Stabilizer? See, I saw something to lower everything, because my highs are pretty high, and then my lows are,

my lows are fucking doable, I'm here. Like, that's why I go like, I get the highs, and then I get a couple lows, and it's usually with a hangover, and I'm like, oh, fuck, I gotta work out. Yeah. But like, yeah, I don't know if I'd change it, because I really enjoy, I like being oblivious.

You do. I do. I'd change it, because I really enjoy, I like being oblivious. You do. I do. I really enjoy it. You really are like a grown, like a man child. You're like a grown kid. If you go to told me in high school that I'd be this way, I would have signed the contract. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course you would.

Without a doubt, in college, I would have signed the contract. Yeah. I actually thought today for the first time in a while, I thought we were walking in together, the bathrooms are more, and I thought, is it worth it, right? Like all the travel I do, all the lifestyle I have, the thing is it worth it. Like, what if I was just a farmer, you know?

Yeah. What do you think? I was like, I like the Razzlele dazzle. It's fun. I like the razzle dazzle. I like the, I love the fucking, I like the gamble of it, you know, like I like the fun of, I don't know. I like being crazy a little bit. I don't mind it. Yeah. You know, I understand that the the the tax I pay is is like I go to the airport and I I don't like getting on a plane and I don't like Being in an airport like it fucking freaks me out

But when you land in your home and that fucking get home and you open a bottle of wine and you lie with a guard and like And then the music sounds richer and you're like that's what I'm fucking talk. I'm alive, baby Like those ups are fucking well worth it. Yeah, I think. Yeah. I don't know. But are you gonna say what you say, say what you want to say and then I'm going to tell you

I'm thinking, are you going to, you think, dial things back? No, okay. So, I'm not, I'm, I'm, I'm, by the way, I have. I have, I know you don't see it right now because I've been drinking all day with you in front of you. But I have dialed a pack, not the way that you see it. Okay. So I watched Precious Gems the other day.

Yeah. And, and uncut Gems. I fucked that up with Adam Sandler, and now I can't stop saying Precious Gems. Yeah. And I identified with that character, and it made me sad. You identified with Sandler? With Sandler in precious gems. Yeah. And I identified with that character and it made me sad. You identified with Sandler? With Sandler in the movie.

Yeah. And it made me sad and I was like, What did you identify with? I don't know. I wish I fucking knew. But I identified with that character who was, I don't know, just chasing shit. Yeah.

You know? Yeah. Did you show the movie? I'll be honest, I'll be honest with you. I saw like half an hour of it. And you had to movie? I asked honest. I'll be honest. I saw like Half an hour of it and you had to turn it off. Yeah, I made me really anxious. I wanted to turn it off so bad I wanted to turn it off so bad And by the way, you're missing out on some of the best parts of the movie

I'm sure I am because it's so good. It's such a good layered movie, but you can ask those guys At the whole time I was like this movie sucks. I hate this movie. And but I hated it because I wondered if I like, I maybe I felt like his relationship with this family was ungenuine because he had other stuff going on. And sometimes I get preoccupied with stand up and my work and stuff. And I wonder if that's what I connected. I couldn't figure out what I connected to the other thing. Disingenuous relationship. Yeah, because like he shows up as kids, you know,

fucking play and he's not really there. And he's thinking about gambling, he's thinking about other stuff. Yeah. And I was like, I wonder if that's been who I am as a dad, because I show up at a play, but I'm always thinking about like, I should be doing spots at the store.

Right. You know? Like I should be writing. I should be making money for these fucking people. Like I never sit there and go, I've never been a dialed in dad where it's like, I remember reading books to the girls and I hope this doesn't sound absolutely horrible.

I'd read books to the girls and I would feel guilty that I wasn't working to make money for them in the future. I could never be present in those moments because I felt like I felt guilty. Yeah. Because also me and you were entrepreneurs on our own behalf. And I think most people do that when they're young

and they don't have a responsibility and I had a responsibility. And I just, I could never be doubted and I watch the hand and she just play with them and do things. That's the same dude. I totally identify with you on that. 100% Do you, right now identify with you on that. 100%.

Do you do it right now? Right now, sure. Oh, for real? Yeah, totally, because my mind will always be like, I should be doing this right now, I gotta be, I should be writing on this right now. Oh, I forgot, I gotta do that thing with the flight. Wouldn't know I call it, I gotta call this guy back.

It's very hard to put that mind to rest. A lot of times, and be just in the moment. I mean, sometimes I am, but I think it's a struggle. So how do you think Amy Schumer does it? What do you mean? Like she seems like a pretty good mom. Like, you know, like, but she is us.

I mean, she's the same as us. Like a mother and a comedian. Yeah, but, but yeah. And, but how does she get dialed in and read a fucking book and not go like? How the fuck I need house. I think there's some things honestly that just the moms you are better at because push did it Leand did it. Yeah, they're just better at it. I do. I think they are and they're better at prioritizing That that's important being present there now you say that I was at your house when push came home from the road. Yeah.

And she immediately did not do what I would have done. What did you do? She got down and the kids were all over. And they were like, fucking hit her face and messin' up her hair and she was just like, oh, and she's playing with them. And then you're like, she's home, let's go outside. Yeah.

And I, if I had been me, I'd be like, hey, okay, hold on, hold on, hold on. All right, all right, hold on. I'm gonna open a bottle of wine. Or something. I would have never been like, just that present, I just wasn't. It's tough, it is tough.

It's a little crazy. No matter what empathize, like I wonder if there's some good dad books that we missed. I wonder if there's people that are turning into dads right now that are listening to this going like, well fuck, I don't want to be like that, because I don't want to be like that. I wish I could be present. Yeah, but I just, even still like, I think it's a skill set like anything else though. You have to work at it, right? I don't know. I mean, I never did. Most things though, if you're like, I'm not good at this, you got to work at it. Yeah.

Still, I get on the FaceTime on my daughters. Yeah. I got FaceTime dialed out the other day. She's bustin' my balls, and I was like, and in my head I was like, are you good? She's like, yeah, I was like, all right, I'm good too. I love you. Bye.

I'm not a big phone. Yeah. You know, I like FaceTiming, but I don't want to stay on the phone for too long. Yeah. Even with Leanne, I just like, in and out. How are your conversations with your parents? Well, here's Christina, you want to talk about the,

what do we, I think you might have proven it. No, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, you're on the podcast right now, okay? Oh, what are you doing? Bert has a question, Hold on. Hold on. Christina. Yes. I need you to not be like Nidav right now. Okay.

And be this brand loyal motherfucker who can't see the goal line. I need you to be 100% honest. Okay. Good hot. Okay, I'm scared. Okay. When Tom and Tom, I'll'll just say Tom started fat shaming me was it because I had been fat shaming him previously God, let me think it's been so long that we've been fat shaming you I can't even remember I know right well I can we we've been put it roughly around the day of the started 2015 but when you guys started saying I look like Gerard Deppardieu was Tom's

initiative into that because he had been so heavily fat-shamed by me as a friend that he thought it's time for a little tit for tat. Well, here's the deal, man, is that I remember the Gerard Deppardieu thing because we were watching a movie and that guy was naked and we were like, oh my god, like I looks like Bert because we both seen you naked at that point. And by the way can I just be very honest. Mm-hmm. And I'm bringing 100% accountable that did look like me at that time and today. So keep going. I didn't think so but I look at it now and I'm like, I was... I don't recall you fat, shaming Tom. I don't remember that.

I'm so glad I moved the phone to the other side of my face right now. But you don't recall that, right? At all. Like, I never was a fat, shaming guy, correct? I don't remember. I mean, I remember you posting a video of you shaving his chest and Hawaii. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the laughter was at his weight or the fact that his tits looked like they were wearing sunglasses.

You're right. Well, yeah, because you shaved the hair and that was funny, but it wasn't his weight. And when you say in that video that I, if we, and we can pull it up, that I had said to him, hey man, I'm gonna, I'm gonna make you look like you're better in shape as a friend.

I was like, if we, if we Caesar out your tits and trim out and hollow out your armpits, then all of a sudden, you look more defined. That was what a friend would do, correct? Yeah, that was your logic, but I'm not sure. It backfired, it definitely backfired.

It definitely backfired. Well, that was, that's what you said your reason was, but your reasoning was probably more malicious, you know what I mean? No, that was my reasoning. That was my, now you're starting to go nadovi on me. You can't never trust nadovi. Never trust nadovi. Because he's Jewish?

No, because. No. Well, that's what you always say when we talk. Dov because he's Jewish no No, he no no dov is the dov is I haven't gotten a dog to trust me fully yet and once he does He's gonna go he's gonna pull me aside privately and go birth just you know Tom started it all me inside privately and go, Bert, just so you know, Tom started it all. All right, Tom and I are pretty wasted. We'll see you, we'll see you for dinner. All right, bye. Love you.

Okay. Do you feel, I feel, I feel vindicated. She, all she said was she didn't recall. Yeah, yeah, that's, that's, that's, goes, I don't remember that. I don't remember. Okay. But she doesn't know all the times that you fat shame. next goes, I don't remember that. I don't remember. Okay. But she doesn't know all the times that you fat shame me privately. I never, I never, I never fat-samed you privately.

I never, never fat-samed you privately. What are you talking about? I'll tell you what. What are you talking about? It's okay. It's done. It never happens. It never happens.

I'm okay. It never happens. I can tell you, I can tell you how I know that. You were a ball buster and you still are. You ball bust over all kinds of things. And it's fine. What do I ball bust on? What, you ball bust on anything.

You're a ball busty friend. You're a fucking fat guy. What are you talking about? What are you talking about over fat guy? You're a fucking fracked guy. I am, but that's not a ball buster. You bust balls. You don't think you bust balls?

I don't bust balls. I'm not, I can't bust balls. Because people think I'm too trustworthy And then when I bus balls it hurts feelings Trust I've never been able to bus balls What do you talk? I remember telling a guy I can't I can't bus balls every time I try to bus balls comes out wrong Little bit how many iron Rogers he went to dinner and he's like what are you fucking trolling me? And I'm like oh shit. I thought that was a joke

Anytime my bus balls comes out bad you know bus balls with your crew your friends I'm not saying like I'm just celebratory and I just generous and I tell them all the things that are they sell that They're sleep, okay, no, I I bus balls a little bit, but Maybe I busted balls a little bit of I never busted balls about you game wait Hold on let's just pull up a picture of mostly stories. I'm huge there. How much did you wait there? Probably like 260 to 55 to 60 Maybe 260

Yeah, what's the one where you don't have a beard? Oh Completely normal completely normal is it was completely normal on Netflix? Yeah How many Netflix festivals do you have for? Yeah, and Where's the one where you don't have a beard though? That's that one Hey, do you ever think about growing your hair out? Cause you know, losing your hair that bad. It doesn't look bad. Like I think you have more hair than I have. Well, here's what I don't have.

I mean, it's hair right here. So that's why I shave it off. Wait, I'm going back. You don't think you even teased me? Never. Never. Why would I, I don't, what? What would I say to you?

I haven't, by the way, I mean, very honest. I have no recollection of me ever even noticing you're overweight. What? I never even noticed you're overweight. Notice it. Okay, now I feel like I understand how you, by the way, because you, you're a delusion.

Hey internet, I'm so excited that you're here to sluice this and don't fuck with cats kind of way. If you go back to the beginning of this podcast, he will tell you, he will tell you that I don't remember him skinny at the beginning. You're like, I used to be 10 to five. You don't remember that because I gained weight. And so I don't remember him being skinny. So if I don't remember him being skinny, I can't then go to bullying him for being fat because I don't remember you being skinny. I never, do you remember the first time I saw you in that football picture Where you like looks like a model and I go who the fuck was that you're like oh, that's me. Yeah, I don't remember you skinny I only remember you fat right okay, all right

All I'm saying is can you believe people listen to this? People are this what I want to be I want to be clear about this. Oh Shut the fuck no Because of how much I love you I totally forgive you and oh my high-five about this. How about this? You ready for this? Yeah I'm gonna forgive you. Okay, I hope that this releases the demons and then I can lose weight now. Okay. Hey Tom. Yes.

I never knew I was fat. You told me I was fat. And I found out I was fat. And I have struggled with my weight since the day you told me I was fat. And today I forgive you. Thank you. And now I plan on losing weight. Great.

I'm proud of you. And even though you made me cry several times for this You used to call me oh here's old sloppy shit bod I never got these sloppy shit bod Uh, what, how did this get here? I need another beer, Nidav You're done with that?

I'm about to be because I'm in the best mood of my life. I don't wanna go to a cigar store, I wanna go to a sex shop. I wanna really see what Austin has to offer. I was gonna go to a swimming hole. What are you doing the rest of the day? Oh, all kinds of two-minute stuff. Let's go hang out with your kids.

Yeah. Okay. Aw, fff. Chupal special, have you seen it? I? Have not but I did work with him I worked with him no, we know you have a photographer now We know but I'm saying is that I worked with him and oh you saw the him doing this I saw I saw the material Jesus Christ you like Guinness? No.

And it's Annie's beer. I feel bad taking Annie's beer. Oh. Well, so you've seen the work. Yes. So did you find it? What did you, like, because Hannah Gatsby kind of lit up Ted's, Ted's.

Ted knows. Yeah, and then Michelle lit up Hannah. Did you watch all that? No, what Michelle did and then Michelle lit up Hannah. Did you watch all that? No, what Michelle did? Oh Michelle lit up Hannah and then I don't think anyone understood because it was pretty funny to watch that fight because it was like, uh, where did she light her up on Instagram? Instagram. Yeah.

But I don't know if she deleted it and I'm sorry, Michelle. I'm fucking like was it a post that she did? Yeah, Hannah's post. Can you pull up Hannah's post so that Tom can read it so that I can't read it. Yeah, and it's it's It's pretty aggressive. Yeah, especially considering I mean, I'll say this. I saw She fell live. Yeah, and I thought it was great. Oh It's special. I mean like

I thought he was fucking hilarious. I always thought he's hilarious. It's hard for me. And I also have a fucking, I don't get offended super easy. Of course. So like that's her thing, that's her post to Ted. Okay. We'll see if we can log in the Instagram. Yeah, that would be easier. But I don't get offended and I like conversations. I've always enjoyed the other side of the fence

to hear what they have to say about things. You know, I've said this over and over again, I'm a big fan of Lindy West. So I like what she has to say. And I may not agree with her, but I like to hear it. I love what you're in. I forget that, or maybe they're not consciously aware,

but especially in comedy. How good it is to have something like this going on for comedy. Oh yeah, oh it's great. It's great, it's great for us, it's great for specials. All right, make it bigger, all right. This is a post from Hannah Gatsby, it says, hey, Ted Sram knows just a quick note

to let you know that I would prefer if you didn't drag my name into your mess, no. To be fair, he always said was we cover all the spectrums. Right, he didn't, he listed. I don't mean to use spectrum in a joke way But I mean like we we cover the spectrum Hannah's autistic. So I don't want to I'm not making a joke, but We cover the whole wide range of art and what we do Right, and he used and you can you can watch all types of entertainment

Yes, and that's what by the way that is I do believe that is what Netflix does I mean that they they're showing you that they have shows that deal with like teen suicide. They have shows that have trans performers. They have shows about, you know, all different types of things, that was his point, right? Yeah. Okay, so, and when he said that,

when he was listing the types of entertainment, you can choose to consume, he listed, and that's me. So he, she writes, I would would refer if you didn't drag my name into your mess. Now I have to deal with even more of the hate and anger that Dave she pells fans like to unleash on me every time Dave gets 20 million dollars to process his emotionally stunted partial worldview. You didn't pay me. She threw it. She threw out the money. Yeah, you don't. Didn't pay me

nearly enough to deal with the real world consequences of the hate speech, dog whistling your refuse to acknowledge, Ted, fuck you and your amoral algorithm cult. I do shits with more backbone than you. That's just a joke. I definitely didn't cross the line because you just told the world there isn't one. Okay, it's super aggressive for sure. Yeah.

It's very aggressive. Yeah. For a guy who gave her a career. Yeah, it's very aggressive. Yeah, It's very aggressive for a guy who gave her a career. Yeah, it's very aggressive. Yeah, it's really aggressive. Very aggressive. Can I tell you something? Can I tell you something?

What? I actually like it. Like I like it. I like it against me. So I like this, she fuck it. I love it. That's like brand friendly. How did you say?

I'm so sorry, you say. No, no, no, no, it's not even, I don't even mean brand friendly. I'm saying what you like is that somebody is putting out how they really feel. They're not holding back and they're not speaking corporate speech and they're not saying, like I would prefer that it's great.

She talked to the guy that gave her a career and told her I take shits with more backbone than you. And then she goes, and I read it, and I sat in my fucking bunk in the doorbell, and I was like, fucking nice. But the same way that I said, when she pells up, what he thought, I went nice. You're saying what you're saying?

So what did Michelle say? Well, go to her comments, go to her comments. It's in the comments. Yeah, it's in the comments. That one? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's in the comments. Probably the first one, you're gonna see it very quickly.

Okay. Michelle is a wolf, or... Oh, fuck me. It's gonna be a wolf or um, oh, fuck me. It's gonna be a lot of comments, right? Uh, hers was, well, you know what? Good. I'm glad you got the point. There is no line to be drawn in the sand. And then it was a bunch of people confused at like, because it,

Michelle's were woman, so they were like, clearly you support. You know, like they didn't know. They didn't know that Michelle is best friends with Dave. Yeah. And they just started like, oh, thanks, Michelle. We're wait, kind of confused. Yeah. Do you, is that mean you support?

Like you can see them and like, I mean, Michelle didn't come and then a panic commented on Michelle's. It was like back and forth. And I was like, well, what'd she say? I don't know. I was fucking the dog had 10 fingers. We'd find out. No, don't.

Can you find it on your own while we're not doing it here and we'll keep talking? Yeah, we'll just keep talking. But what's interesting is that I did, obviously, I'm very grateful for everything Netflix has done for me. By love of comics, speaking their voice. It's great. And Hannah Gadsby as well.

I want Hannah to say, as a fan of hers, I want her to say shit that is fucking aggressive. And I also think that Netflix who should give her another special? I'm sure you will. Because that's the fucking voice you need to hear is the one that goes, I don't give a fuck about who you need. You need another special with them.

I'm certain. Well, you need to spread it out. That's a good point. Yeah, yeah. And that's also, so what Ted said. That's his point. His point was I let everyone have a fucking voice. Yeah.

And then Dave has a voice and Hannah has a voice and let them all fight. And, and I, I think, I don't know, I, I got to kick out of all of it personally. Yeah. And I found it on my phone. Oh, you did? It was. It says, yes, I watched the whole thing. Leave me. Oh, I wish it. Sorry. That's Hannah. As she says, correct. There isn't one you're catching on. And then what did they set, what are the comments underneath that? Trying to find the one where. And by the way, and by the once again, once again,

fucking shout out to Michelle Wolfe for saying what she wants to say. Yeah, I love this. This is where we're going in the right direction, is letting people say the fucking things I want to say. And by the way, I will not be putting any comments in anyone's comments except for yours, because I don't wanna fucking deal with it.

Because I'm on the balls that Michelle has, the Dave House that Hannah has. And also, that isn't my whole diet on. I don't really give a fuck. No, it comes to us for the trans talk. No, I don't, by the way, I don't, I don't, I don't, like, she says, I do your finally catching on That's Hannah's response yes, and then is there another reply?

Nothing I'm seeing there's a bunch of replies from other people they're all kind of confused and I don't know It was maybe I made it better in my head. I was just the fact that they even reply to each other. I was super excited. Yeah But um, but that's I mean look man, there's There are comics I I'm not a fan of what they talk about. Yeah, I don't I would never want to signless them in a million fucking years No, and by the way, there I'm certain there are fans of mine that wouldn't want to signless them So I would never I would never jump in and be like we should let that person say what they want to say Because there's fans of mine that go I actually like that person so so I'm maybe that's different with Hannah and Dave because you know pretty specific. Yeah But yeah, I mean I enjoy I think Jay I think Dave's a great great great comedian. He is man the fucking greatest

He is and he has like he's other level as far as like what he does up there. I mean, he's deeply intellectual, really thoughtful. And even if you don't, even if you're not a fan of what he's saying, there's a couple of things. A, you have to acknowledge that his skill set is just so remarkable. It's beyond, it's like, it's been doing it since he was 15. And the other thing is that even if you don't like it, how good it is for our world that there's somebody at the top like him, because it actually, it makes it so that all of us get to go, I can take risks, I can take, I can take, I can say, wild shit, speak recklessly which he's a big proponent of, which I think is fantastic for a comedian because it's how you figure out like how to

say things. Like you you have to be able to feel comfortable fucking up. If you can't fuck up and he is somebody who like has your back as a comedian for fucking up speech. Yeah, I wonder how you you've known me a very long time and you've seen me fuck up colossally on stage. Can you imagine all those times when they were released online? Just how I wouldn't have a career. Yeah. I wouldn't have a career.

I wouldn't have an opportunity. And can I tell you also what I think is even this just back and forth with Hannah and Dave, right? Yeah. It's kind of like you ever watch a tennis match and you see one guy do a diving shot in between his legs Hannah and Dave, right? Yeah. It's kind of like you ever watch a tennis match and you see one guy do a diving shot in between his legs and then you kind of want them to win.

But the other guy slams it and kills it and you're like, oh, it's just watching two comics go back and forth. Yeah. I understand maybe there's a lot more personal to Hannah than it is Dave, but it is two comics sparring in a platform that it's funny. It's, I'm certain we're gonna get fucking killed. but it is two comics sparring in a platform that it's fun to, it's, I'm certain we're gonna get, fucking killed for this,

but like it's interesting to hear opposing sides. Yeah it is. I won't say fun because I understand that what Hannah's speaking up against is maybe a little more, I'm not, maybe I'm not aware of everything, but I'm just saying, like I love hearing comics talk,

and I wanna hear everything, I wanna hear all of it. I wanna hear shit I don't agree with. Yeah, all the time. It makes it, it's more interesting. It is more interesting. You don't wanna hear just the fucking same shit that you think in here all the time. I don't wanna hear everybody, yeah.

I feel like I don't even think it anymore. When everybody repeats, you know what I mean? The same shit. Yeah, it's, I think it's, you know, people always come to you about cancer culture or what do you think? Not that I'm not aware of it, I am aware of it, but I just think that's the best time right now

to watch people take chances. And then, you know, I use, I'll use burrs in example because everyone knows I'm friends with them. But burr, when he takes a swing of things that maybe it doesn't land right yeah I get so fucking excited yeah of course and very seldomly is it not land right but when he takes a swing of things on like SNL and you watch people get divided right what's even crazier is that is a simpler way to to polarize his fans and to loving him. The second you start hating

someone, everyone just goes, fuck you, that's my rise to my guy. That's my guy. Yeah, I love him. Do you have anything in this new special you're working on where you're like that you've been questioning? I mean, there's a couple things that get booze. No, no. Are you serious? Just depending on the crowd. But I mean, it's, you know, I don't, I don't know that I feel like I'm going like, this is a, this is a real risky take on this. It's just like, it's, it's not a joke. I'm oblivious to a risky take sometimes. Yeah, I don't, I don't feel like I'm doing a risky, what's funny is I, I love my favorite way to start a, a bit is, What's funny is I love my favorite way to start a bit is to like say a statement and have an audience go like, I don't know about this. And then the excitement is-

I love that. I'm going to try to get you to be laughing about it. So I have like three that it starts with a statement and I wait and I mean sometimes you can tell that it's like they just cheer it. My favorite way to do it is to come out and a crowd goes nuts And have that be the first line and have them be like oh maybe we're not your fan. Yeah Hey, can I get a beer from my team? I'm so sorry Nidav this is a great beer But I don't want to drink it. Can I get an IPA from my team? Can I tell you something? Yeah?

I have a line In my and what I'm working on right now, Nidav, I need you to bleep it out, because I just want to tell Tom it. Because I go, that I get people get upset about it. I am oblivious too. Yeah. Because I just think it's so funny.

It's a, I, I, I said, island, I heard a never mind, I'm not gonna take it, because I don't want to fucking ruin it for my special. Well, you're not gonna ruin it. How are you gonna ruin it? Because it can use, bleep it for my special. Well, you're not gonna ruin it. How you gonna ruin it? Um, cause it could use, believe it out. Yeah. Okay. Islas says, um,

and people fucking lose their mind. Yeah. And I just, and I go, and I'm, but I'm oblivious that that would bother somebody. Why do you, why? Like I'm just oblivious. I think I might be autistic. I don't know if I'm autistic.

But I'm like, I'm one unaware of like boundaries maybe sometimes where I say things and I go, you can get in trouble for that. And then people like, are you serious? And I was like, people get upset about that. Like where I really think one day I'll wake up in bed and they'll be like, oh, but you've been canceled. And I'll be like, for what? And they're like, oh, remember that time?

You dot dot dot dot. And I was like, oh, you can't do that. And I'll be like, for what? And they're like, oh, do you remember that time? You dot dot dot, and I was like, oh, you can't do that anymore? And they're like, you've never allowed to do that. Yeah. I remember the day I found out you couldn't send dick pics to people. And I was like, when did you find that out? Way too late.

You've been sending them out a lot? Way too late. I was sending them to, like, not to women, but to my friends, not to stop. I remember I said you wanted my dick, shadow of my dick. Yeah in the toilet seat And like it's just so perfect because you can totally manipulate it Yeah, and and then make it look way bigger. It's like your dick was committing a crime like oh And and then I said totally and about that. She's like hey, you shouldn't send your pictures to your dick to people

I was like why yeah, she's like because they're not asking for it. And I was like that's why it's funny Right, she was like you don't do this to women. I was like why would I do it She's like, because they're not asking for it. And I was like, that's why it's funny. Right. She was like, you don't do this to women. And I was like, why am I going to do it to women? I do it to men. Yeah. She was like, I go, you can't sexually harass a man.

She was like, yeah, you actually can. And I was like, for real? She was like, oh yeah, oh yeah. Yeah. And I was like, interesting. Interesting. I wrote that down. No more dick pics to do.

Especially like now that you have people that work for you. That was a little bit of a thing. We had to tell, well, we'll talk about it. Okay. Because on the bus, it's like, it's like a locker room. Right. You walk around naked.

No, I don't walk around naked, but I'm definitely seen naked often. Like, I definitely not, I'm not gonna go into a private area and change. That's weird. Really? Yeah. Interesting. So we do a thing called party showers. Uh-huh. Where are some of the showering and you get in the shower quick enough with them that they can't stop you? Is that a good idea? Jesus Christ. We do tour away differently.

Yeah, wait, so we had to talk to Peter about it because Peter is new to the tour and we're like, hey man, is it generational or like, can you be comfortable naked around dudes? And he's like, I go up in locker rooms, I'm fine with it. Cause like, if you're all dudes on the bus, you should just get naked.

If you want to change your pants, change your pants. Like, I don't, it doesn't sexually harass me, I'm not gay, so I don't, it's not, it's like a locker room, right? Mm. I would, if I were you, I would just go ahead and shut that door, man. Go ahead and change your pants and private.

Hold on. So wait, when you get dressed, you do it in private? Yeah. On the tour bus. Yeah. But how many people have on the tour bus? I mean on a typical day it's been like five. Okay, that's what I do, roughly.

And so you get naked in front of other men? I mean, I'm not like, you know, I've been naked in front of other men, but I definitely don't go like, here's a good time to get naked. No, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not like going like, he's drunk, here we go. Well, here's the thing, I mean, if I'm gonna change,

I'm gonna be either in my, in the room. Do you shower? Oh, okay, so we live on the tour bus. Okay. So I shower on the tour bus. A lot? All the time, every time. I always shower on my tour bus.

Okay. I love shower on my tour bus. I actually brought that stuff the other day. I like shower on my tour bus more I love shower on my tour bus. I actually brought that stuff the other day. I like shower on my tour bus more than anywhere else. Really? I love it. It's all my shit's there. I've showered on tour bus before.

Yeah. And then I got out and I changed and there was nobody around. But hold on. So do you have a private room for yourself on your tour bus? I don't. We all stand bunks. Okay.

We're more like a communist state, right? And so we have all our things and then our clothes are in the back and then living our front. I don't always get naked up front. I have got naked up front before. Yeah. But if I get out of the shower

and then I'll go back to the back and I'll get dressed but I'm not closing doors. Yeah, I definitely do. I just get dressed in the back. And then if you don't wanna see my ass then you don't see my ass. Yeah, I get dressed. I just get dressed in the back. And then if you don't want to see my ass, then you don't see my ass. Yeah, yeah. No, I definitely, I would also,

as your friend, recommend you that you start not doing that. For real? Yeah. Oh. I don't know if I can. Like, because part of me just goes, part of me is like, it's that locker room mentality where you go,

I'm not, if you need to get dressed, get, now that you say that, I've never seen anyone else naked. Yeah. I've seen Dave naked. I've seen Dave naked a lot. A lot? A lot.

Okay. Yeah. Hey, man, get in here for a second, just to clear this up. I've never seen John Man's naked. I've never seen Peter naked. I've never seen Parfait naked. Okay. I've never seen John Mann's naked. I've never seen Peter naked. I've never seen Parfait naked. I've never seen Ron naked. What's the, when we're on the bus, let me ask you something. Would you prefer that he just changed in private? Uh, yes, I mean, I mean, it doesn't matter. I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don, I don't, I don, I don, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don, I don, I don, I don't, I don't, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don't, it doesn't matter. I don't matter. It better not matter. It better not matter.

You're my employee and you better say what I want. We just turn around, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's like, it's normal to just be like, I'm gonna go get changed now. And like. He will usually go and come out to the shower or whatever and then intentionally in front of everybody.

No, I hang on, stop. We're pulling that out of the fucking thing. I don't intentionally put my dick in your face. No, but you'll, you'll, if you, if there's a show to be put on, you'll put it on. Pulling that out of the fucking thing. I don't intentionally put my dick in your face What are you talking about there's a show to be put on you used to bully me for being fat and You are liars There's if there's a show to be put on Outside the shower I can't get on dress inside the shower you know that it's too small. We've already talked about this Man, don't you feel like man's you are fucking this close illusion your fucking job

When you shower and he doesn't he goes into the fucking venue, okay, and he showers in the venue Oh, you like in private like a homophob. Yeah, okay, and the other guys probably kind of do the same thing Shane does Everyone showers inside and I shower in the in the why wouldn't you shower in the fucking venue? I like the bus better I love the venue. Yeah, I always do. I always shower in the bus. Yeah, why I like it Yeah, and the venue's got definitely more hot water I used to shower in venues and now I like showering in the bus. I like it yeah, and the venues got definitely more what hot water I used to shower in venues and now I like showering in the bus. I'll let you have all my stuff there Let's get out. Let's go back. I go to the back of the thing. Maybe my one if we're gonna say about one flaw I don't close the door in the back when I get to naked

But I don't put on a fucking show if there's a show to be had he's lying right now. I don't I don't Damn it Peter get in here Put on a fucking show. If there's a show to be had, he's lying right now. I don't think so. God damn it! Peter get in here! Spans, you stay right there, you lying motherfucker. You should sit next to Tom and liars flock together. Where the fuck's Peter? I swear to God if this guy says fuck. Peter, do I put on a show?

Hold on, let me put on a show. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. When, all right, first of all, when, when he's, do you prefer, do you want to see your boss naked? He doesn't get to say that. I'm his boss. He can't talk. I'm joking. I'm joking. I know. Obviously. I mean, ideally not. Right. And like when you shower, don't you like, you shower revenue? Yeah. Do you get dressed in private? Most of the time. Yeah. Yeah. And would you prefer that get on you? Yeah, do you get dressed in private? Yeah, yeah, and would you prefer that everybody on the tour get dressed privately?

You mother fuckers and the dog we gotta cut this out the goddamn episode No, we don't Harvey Weinstein. No, they don't does Dave get dressed in front of people. Yeah, okay Okay, okay, and are you comfortable if there is a show to be had just burnt put on a show? I don't mean he likes that a little what You can't you fucking we're good guys. We're good. All right No, don't you say we're wrapping it up right now. We are wrapping it up. I'm gonna be a rebuttal Yeah, you don't either rebuttal. I don't put on a fucking show those fucking lying. Yeah, I mean, I'm sure the public believes that I'm maybe one time put it on this Whatever I forgive you for bullying me and I love you and I think you're the best and I'm so proud of you and everything you've accomplished and I think you should get dressed in private unless it's a really good show to be had and then

you should put the show on first of all. I want to tell you I forgive you. Okay. For wrongfully accusing me of telling you you're a fat. Okay. Secondly, I've never put on a show, but there has been times I put stuff on Instagram. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Thirdly, yeah, those guys are dead to me. I'm working on it. Yeah. Yeah. That's how it works. Let you know you should do. You should fire them with the episode like hey check out this episode And then try to be like hey, you're fired. I can't believe I can't believe I got to fucking close doors in my own bust to fucking get dressed now It's ridiculous. We just kick everyone out and make them stand on the ledge while I go fucking get changed. Yeah

Well, this is a learning episode it was I was fat way before I thought I was fat. You pointed it out, you were fatter. I never pointed that out to you. And I have a lot of growth to do. Me too. Me too. And the doll, I've taken out whatever you think needs to be taken out to the dozen room in my career.

And then we'll talk about Okay next week we'll talk about Okay, all right My drunk Are you drunk? Yeah, yeah, all right Love you. Hi guys. I love you more. I love you. No, no, I do love you more and you and yeah I love you more really yeah, fuck you being serious. What do you mean? I love you more I love you know I do love you more and you any yeah I love you more really yeah follow you being serious what do you mean

you love me you fly to LA once a week to meet me I love you way more okay I love you The stories and birds, the machine, There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean. Here's what we call, to bears one cave. No scripts, a bed of booze, amateur, fatology, Dirty jokes, ronti humor, no apologies. Here's what we call, to bears one cave. you