2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 107 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: November 15, 2021

SPONSORS: - Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app now, use promo code BEARS, bet ONE DOLLAR on either team to score and win ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS IN FREE BETS. - Earn your bragging rights with Zingeroo by going to https://apps.zingeroo.com/2Bears - Head on over to https://Stance.com and pick out whatever styles you like. Enjoy the color and comfort of a life less ordinary… with Stance. - Head to https://PolicyGenius.com/CAVE to get started right now. Policygenius. When it comes to insurance, it’s nice to get it right. - Get 20% off your order at https://BuyRaycon.com/bears - Go to https://WHOOP.com and use code “CAVE” at checkout to save yourself 15% off today. - Get 10% off your first month of online therapy at https://BetterHelp.com/BEARS. - Go to https://DietSmoke.com and use the promo code “BEARS” for 20% off your order. Pretty wild episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer this week! Bert went to ye olde sex shoppe in Austin and brought back a bunch of toys for the bears to try out and review! Pumps, plugs, and mold of Christy Mack! Do we need to get Christy's permission to use it? Lets reach out either way! Bert realizes that him and Tom live VERY different lives on the road. We try and figure out how Bert is still alive and if a perspective adjustment is in order. We get into all the insecurities that come with being a comedian and how some people handle them. We then get back into ladies that worked in the adult industry for a couple months that blew up from that. The bears share the difficulties doing improv podcasts and radio appearances.

That's you. Yeah, right. I don't even know if I like that look. What? Why are you all gone? It's I wasn't drinking. I'm never gonna quit drinking. I don't look. I don't even look good You ready? Yeah, let's be ready for the best episode we're ever gonna do. Okay, best episode ever. Are you ready? I'm ready Okay, we might want announce Tor-Dates because people are gonna be losing their fucking minds in a second. Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. I'm Cleveland at the Rocket Mory's Tender.

Okay. I'm in Cleveland. I got Abelian, Texas. Got a burperpert.com for Tor-Dates. Okay, let's get into some sex toys. Okay. Whoa. Yeah, that's a penis pump you got right there.

Dude, I want to see what happens. It's a little wet. You used it? I tried. Now, here we go. We at one point have said- Oh, Kristy Mack. Yeah, I know. She looks totally different than that.

But take a look at it. It's really, let's take our time with these let's take our time Okay, okay This is we'll put this this way so people can see what that does I bought us Matching butt plugs cool, okay, you try that yet. No with remote controls nice We've got a blow job machine. That's someone's face. That is a face. That is a tiny little mouth too. That is really nice. Yeah. I got Loub. And then this is the next level. Wait here. Oh, that's a butt plug too, right? Let's see. Can you use this yet? No, I've

used anything. You try the the pay. I tried the bump last night it's not it's it's it works but I don't think penis bumps are real. What do you mean? I mean it's hard to explain. What's hard to explain? Well where do you want to start? Tell me I'm sorry. Okay so this is a penis bump. Okay. It's the best one they have on the market. It is called the the... It's called the Hydromax 7. Yeah, okay. So the other PUNOS pumps have a hand attachment where you put it on and then you squeeze,

squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, squeeze. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never... I can't get this off. Give it to me. This vibrates. By the way, this has electro shock in it They were like yeah like a tins machine. Yeah, huh tens. Yeah, wait

Shouldn't I plug days before we get in all these fucking the fuck up. Okay, I'll go first. I'll go first. Minneapolis, Rockford, Cleveland, Austin, El Paso, Abelene, Phoenix, fucking Phoenix. This has electro-shocking it. It's good for your asshole. Whoa. I maybe applaud the directions on this thing.

All right, we added shows. How? Fuck. Whoa. Tom, on this thing all right. We added shows Fuck whoa Tom hold this in your hand hold this in your hand fist it fist it real quick. I did no no pull it in your hand Okay, you feel it. I don't like that. That's what's up your asshole. I don't want that asshole Jesus Christ bug your dates hold this in your hand and plug your dad. No, no holding your hand and plug your dates I really fucking shocked my left arm like twice a day. I had a lecture. I don't want to. I don't want to do it. I'll be alright. We added shows in LA. Long Beach, Toronto, DC, Wichita, Portland,

New York, Bakersfield, San Francisco, Sacramento, Fort Wayne, Cincinnati, Columbus, Indianapolis, they're all at Thompson, Rhode Island, how's that sure? You're wait, I wanna put it, I'm gonna sit on it and see if it hurts. I'm gonna sit on it and see if it hurts. I'm gonna sit on it and see if it hurts. I'm gonna sit on it and see if it hurts.

November 17th, I'm in the middle. Yeah,apolis, whoa! I'll put that in my ass. You put this in your ass? Yeah. This is this is dangerous We got to turn this off somehow. I've been trying to turn it off. I think you turned it on harder How to okay? Oh, this is gonna be a fun one to play with. See I would rather put this in my ass than this This comes with a like like your point of the whole one nothing nothing's been on my no no no

I'm out of this I mean in life fingers. Okay Nothing nothing's been up. No, no, no, I'm not of this I mean in life fingers. Okay Fingers Those fingers I thought this this looks like a like you're a fucking Marvel character. Yeah, it does it's pretty cool Yeah, Edward Dildo hands. Yeah These so these have matching I got to find the remote control. Let's go back to the penis pump. Okay, okay. So you put your dick here. So you put your, it's actually, I gotta tell ya, it works pretty good.

What you do is you fill this up with water, you take this thing and shower with you. You fill it with water? Fill it up with water. Okay. You put your dick in it, and then you turn off, so like one is, like air can come out there, that's the valve.

And then, but you turn it, you close it and fill it up with water. Then you put on your dick and then you open it and as you pump water shoots out and it sucks ins it. Okay. But I wasn't, I wasn't hard. So I, like I just was trying it this morning or like, no, it's supposed or doesn't it make it harder?

No, yeah, it's supposed to, but it's nothing happened. I just was like, I was just doing it for the, I wanted to, I always wanted to try a penis pump. You never tried one. No, I've never tried one. And so I was like, I did it and then I was like, and by the way, this is the medium size, this is, they have one size bigger, I should have gone bigger. Really?

Yeah, my dick, even not hard was filling this in. Filling it up to where? No, if my dick was going to hear because it was pulling it. Okay. But it was filling it, the head was my head as big as this. And so but I wasn't hard. I wasn't like hard hard. If I was hard I would, it could be problematic. Your head is as big as this. Oh maybe it was working then. Because yeah. because this... Oh, maybe it was working then, because, yeah. Oh! I mean, look at the...

No, no, no, the inside, the inside. Well, yeah, but I mean... It's smaller in the inside. It's literally like two fingers wide on the inside. Okay. So, it actually worked pretty good, but what happens is, I pushed it. Because I played with your dick that one time, and it was like...

Sweetest same size dick. Yeah. With the same size dick. We had the same size deck. You should take this home with you. You used it already. It's fucking I was watering the deck. We've flamming pants together. But it does here, so that's what happens. The water shoots out, and then it sucksions again

and it kind of pulls you. You know what this reminds me, the points out to me. What? Sometimes the old school thing is better than the new age shit. I bet you the old school penis pump or you just like just squeeze something is probably better, more effective than that. I bet it is too.

And what's crazy is we went to a sex story yesterday and we were like, we were, we walked in and obviously I was drunk and, because I got drunk here and we walked in and they recognized me and I was like, oh yeah, I want everything. And they're like, what? I said, I started off and I was like, oh yeah, I want everything. And they're like, what? I said, I started off and I said,

I need matching, vibrating butt plugs with remote controls. I said, but starters. And the guy goes, so how long did Anel play, are you? And I was like, I'm not. And he was like, well, then, and then he goes, wait, I know who you are. And I was like, oh, fuck, I'm a mask on and everything. And he's like, wait, I loved the cabin.

And I was like, oh, thank you so much. And he's like, oh, come on, I'll show you what you need to do. And I was like, I'm doing this for a bit with my buddy Tom Skirney's you and Tom are doing, oh, let me show you what you and Tom should get. And so he brought us up. And I was like, I was like, and then my head, I'm like, you know, Tom,

just moved to this area. I'm really like opening up, getting his name out there. Thank you. So, so then I, he goes over and he shows me these and he was like, and then he was like, hey, they're like, hey, Billy need to take a call? And he's like, I'm gonna have brand to come help you. Then she's young.

She's like 22. She's like, so, she's very matter of fact. I was like, well, what are their sex toys? Cause we were just gonna do this for a bit, get matching butt plugs, put them in, and vibrate for each other, like have her remote controls. She was like, okay. And I was like, what else can I get?

She's like, oh, grab this one, it's got the electro shocks. And I was like, okay. And then she's like, how about this one? And she keeps showing me dildos. And I'm like, I don't, and she's like, well, you really end your asshole, right? And I was like, no. I was like, maybe I'm not being clear. I was like, I just give, she's like, well, you really and your asshole, right? And I was like, no. I was like, maybe I'm not being clear.

I was like, just give me whatever you want. She's like, this is the best penis pump. This thing is a fucking, that's the thing I would like to try out. You can. Not really. Why? I don't know.

Kind of creeps me out the, I'm not comfortable, put my dick in a machine. Just try it. No, but just try it. I don't know if it, I think it's putting my dick in a machine. Just try it. No, but just try it. I Don't know if it I think it's gotta be plugged in Go in the bathroom. No, not I'm not gonna try it. I have to get hard and I don't know if I can get hard Pull your take your phone with you watch some videos and then I don't know if that's gonna work that way Hey, do we have a plug over here? You're gonna You're doing it here? Yeah, right under the table.

Well, you just said you had a difficult time. I know, but I think I can do it with you at the table. You hold it on one side of the table. I'll lean in and put my dick in it. It's got to be honest with you. I think we fucked it up last night. We were playing with it. We were playing with it and we were playing with it

and we were drinking and we've unsleaved it and we can't with it in we were drinking and we've Unsleeved it and we can't get it back in the way it's supposed to be. Oh, okay. Is this been pulled out? Yeah, we pulled it out to see what it was. Really soft. Really soft. Let's get into Christy Max. I feel like it's right after you come where you're like, what am I doing in my life?

You know what I mean? Have you ever fucked one of these? No. You never fucked a flashlight? Never. Oh, let me tell you a story. So I, I'm in Miami, right? This has got to be like six years ago, seven years ago.

Yeah. I'm in Miami, and I just unrogan, and he was like, he was like, let me get you a flashlight. All right, that's like his first sponsor. It was so funny. And they're based out of Austin. It's like the biggest podcast in the world. Yeah. And his first sponsor was biggest podcast in the world. Yeah, and his first sponsor was just like pussy sleeves. Yeah

What is he? And everyone's like don't do it Joe And he was like, but then you'd go to his house and he'd have a closet full of Lausiful and he'd be like you want one and you're like one. I want to I want to give me and you like I'd never heard of him And but so I go to his house to his podcast. He's like you should grab one and then Red Bam was like oh, oh, we're out Joe and he was like oh darn it. He's like you should try it Man, it's a lot like fucking a person. I was like really and I'm like I would love to step up my game for my hand And so and I had fucked I had fucked you ever fucked a fee-fee Is that the name of it?

Keep typing fee-fee-feee? Have you fucked this yet? No. No, I haven't fucked anything here. Okay. Jesus. I wonder if that's a real vagina. I'm sure it is. You think? I mean, it's probably a mold that they did.

Yeah. No, yeah. So, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, Feefee was like, I remember the first time I heard about this. I was reading some article in Esquire and they were talking about what men in prison do to jerk off. And they're like, oh, what you do is you take a towel,

you put a fucking rubber glove in it, and you fuck it. And I was like, I remember going like, what? I couldn't wrap my head around it. And then, and this is before the internet, I want to say, I might have been in college. And I was like, I was like, I'm gonna try it. I might have been in college and I was like, I'm gonna try it. I remember that I tried it, what they said by kind of,

I didn't know where you're gonna get a fucking rubber glove from by kind of tried it. And I remember doing it and going, whoa, that's totally different. And it was pretty fun. And then it never lived up. I tried it again, never lived up to it. I could never get to that first time, right?

And so when he told me about flesh, I was like, okay, this I got to try, right? This I got to try. So I'm in Miami. And I go, I'm going to take a walk to get lunch, you know, that you know, where you get lunch in Miami by the club. And there's a sex store. And I over by the sunglasses hut, if you walk down that street towards a little Haiti, there's a sunglasses, there's a sex store. So I walked by and I was like, Oh, shit, I'm gonna see if they have down that street towards a little Haiti, there's a sunglass, there's a sex tour. So I walked by and I was like, oh shit, I'm gonna see if they have flashlights.

So I walk in, but I can't walk in too like, you know, like, who do you have a flashlight? I want to be like, I don't, I'm, I'm, I'm, what is this thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I walk around and I'm, exactly, exactly. I'm walking around and I'm looking and I'm like, I don't fucking see it. Like I don't see flashlights, I don't see anything. It should deal those bump lugs, anal beads, and I'm like, I don't fucking see it. I don't see flashlight, I don't see anything. He should deal those butt plugs, anal beads, and I'm like, this none of this is my speed. And then I'm like, hey man, do you have a thing?

My buddy Joe Rogan was telling me about this. He had a name dropped in his next door. But it was telling me about this thing. It's like called a flat, like a flat flashlight. And he was like, I don't know what you're talking about like and I was like it's like a thing where you can like I don't know I was telling me about it and I'm still like you like I think you have sex with it or something and he was like yeah we don't got that and I was like okay you don't have any of those and he goes I mean we got fucking a

can and I was like what is it and he shows me I mean, we got fucking a can. And I was like, what is it? And he shows me, and it's just a huge support bottle, like a big support, and I go, what's that? He goes, you can fuck that. And I was like, I'll take it. I'm like, I'm not hungry. I wish I could be a diet. I'm not hungry. I fucking, to fuck it. I'm like, I'm not hungry. I wish that could be a diet. I'm not hungry. I fucking, he's like, I remember we were checking out and he's like, gonna need

lube. Yeah, fuck, I want lube. What do you think? I take it back to the room. I open it. I and I open it and it is a mouth. And I remember seeing it and being like, like, it just looks like he's like, it looks like a dude's mouth kind of. Yeah. And he's like, duh. As I open it, I just see the mouth go, don't do it, man. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, please, please don't do it. Please, oh, come on, man, just let me, let me sit here. Just fucking, don't play your dick and we please. Don't put me in your mouth. Come on, man, I don't have any arms, I don't have a soul. I'm just a mouth man, just don't hurt me, don't hurt me, don't.

I'm just fucking it. And he's like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. And then you blow a load in it. And it is the most shameful load you've ever blown in your life. You're like, I literally was like, since I came, I was like, okay, I was like, that felt pretty good. But I was like, I was like, ugh. Right, as soon as you're done, right? I was like, I want it, and it was like, since I came, I was like, okay, I was like, that felt pretty good, but I was like, I was like, ugh.

Right, as soon as you're done, right? I was like, I want it, and it was like 50 bucks, I just like, I just want to throw it away. Like, I don't even, like, now I gotta go clean it. I gotta go fucking take my time to clean it. I don't know how to clean it. And see you toss it. No, oh, fuck it all weekend. Couldn't bring it home with me.

If Leanne caught me fucking a beer bottle, she'd be like, your drinking's got an out of control. What are you doing? I'm sorry. I can't, it's just not work when I drink anymore. Shit, man. So, but this one, I tell you this though. What's it like, when, what's, I don't know if this happened to you the same way.

Once you meet these people adult performers Oh, you met Christy Mack. Yeah, she did well. She did the live show thing with us Right, so she did my my thing and then she came to my show in Atlantic City. She looked like an Atlantic City No, but she went to that show and like now. I'm like she's a nice lady Well, I guess I'll never meet her. Here you go. You do this. I can't violate. She makes money off this.

You think she makes money off this? Of course. How much? I wish we could get Christmas money off this. I don't know. What are you going to fuck the box? What are you doing? I was just trying to make it look nice and neat.

I was just trying to clean it up a little bit. Oh, shit. Fuck. Okay. She looks totally different right now. She's super hot. She's beautiful. She's beautiful, but I can't what What all the air there so like there's a you ready for this there's a sleeve warmer So you can get it to body temperature good idea guys a

sleeve warmer? There's a shower mount? Oh, so you can fuck this shower. Fucking against the wall in the shower. By the way, this would be great to use in the shower is supposed to... It's kind of weird, you know. It is kind of odd.

Now that you say that, it's odd that we can just open it up and look at her vagina. Yeah, it's only, but it's more odd if you've met the person. Okay, I'm a matter. Right. I've de-empted with her before I think. Yeah, yeah. Maybe.

Okay. Oh my god. Oh, I thought that was, I was like, she has a birthmark that says, Christie Mack. Yeah. Um, we pull up Christie Mack's vagina on, on the thing, honestly, this is actually it can you do that sure I mean it's on television, right? Yeah, you can sure you can see it. I mean it's it this is it right do they do like a legit

What if we get pulled down for showing a vagina? Let me see it. Yeah, that's it. Oh My god, that is it. Yeah Can you enlarge that That is totally it. Yeah, they did it mold Did it a mouth? Oh wow Yeah, that is look scroll scroll up Tom That's it. That's it. Yeah Put your finger in there. Oh, I like Kristi. I know I like her too, but put your finger in there

I think there's a tampon in there. Kristi. I'm sorry I like Christy. I know I like her too, but put your finger in there. I think there's a tampon in there. Christy, I'm sorry No, what the fuck is that? It's a treasure. What if it's a map? Oh Shit, oh shit is right. What is this? That's to take all your comm I think It's not a com receptacle. No, no, no, I don't know what it is. I don't think you're supposed to take it out I don't you're not gonna fuck it with that in let's true. Yeah, okay. Is that feel better now? Yeah, yeah, yeah, that feels really good. I wonder how much money she makes off these. I don't know

It'll be cool to know, you know, yeah I mean would you make one for your dick and sell to your fans? I don't think so. Really? I would. You can. You know I actually thought about, why don't you? I feel like it's really on brand for you.

Give my dick to people. Yeah. Would you give them your real dick or you just build it up a little bit? You're like, guys, girth it up. Yeah. Take this thing, go, all right, here we go. They would be like, all right, so here it is and I'd be like, guys, girth it up. Yeah. Take this thing, go, all right, here we go. They'll be like, all right, so here it is. And I'd be like, okay, we're going to

go back to the drawing board and add some length and girth and veins. What is she having her hand? What is it? I don't know. What's that in her hand in this? What the fuck is that? Is it yogurt? Oh no, it's that. Oh it's this. Oh she's just holding it like this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

Yeah. I would love to know the deal points on these. Hey, no, I'm see if you can find out how much, how much again, because it's a merch item. There's a whole whole whole whole whole. For sure, for sure they're getting like it. It's crazy because they, I go, I go, let me me let me take a look

They're like which one do you want and I look and I'm like why have I'm fan of like fan of a couple porn stars And I saw it. I went oh, Christie Mac and I was like oh see what the best selling hold on I would love to write a review I would love to read a review of Christie Mac. Oh, yeah, let's read a review. There's a review, holy shit. Flashlight review. Oh my God, this guy really does what he loves. Yes, guy. Okay. This is one of the most amazing, amazing flashlight toys

on the market. Has the Christie Max flashlight has all the man fan says about when, when he says I deal for both the circumcised on the market has the Chrissy McFlegger has all the man fans has about one one sex is ideal for both the circumcised and uncircumcised men opening of the pussy looks big has a very tight opening a man will get into the first chamber there's a bit small cover with two rings of bumps after where there is a main chamber that follows the chamber is the heart of all pleasure. It has a varied number of bumps and shape.

Different, okay? I feel like a guy in college is right now. Yeah. There's also a booty sleeve. Why didn't you get the booty sleeve? And then put them back together, just go back and forth. Yeah. There's a booty sleeve?

Does this person, I mean the person clearly loves it. They're saying it's fantastic. They're saying it's a wonderful combination. The first class ass pack. Yeah. The V-strokeer. I bet the way this works is that whoever the person is just gives us a percentage of each one.

You know what I mean? Sold. Really? Sure. How much did this cost? You bought it. I spent $1,000 on sex toys yesterday. There's $100.

Really? $100. You spend a grand? I was like, it's worth for a podcast. And then to pretend that we're gonna leave them here, but then throw them in my bag. I wish, I really wish. I really wish this thing.

Hope this thing works. Are you gonna take the flashlight and fuck it? No, I'm probably not I don't enjoy flashlights anymore. I've used them You used it on that Miami weekend. You know the Miami weekend and towards the end of the weekend You're like I had a hard time having orgas. Well, I was just jerk off how many times did you use it? I don't know maybe like Five times four times like I used it and then cleaned it and then put it in the fucking put it, put it to dry and then, uh, then fucking the maid came in and I was like she must have

been horrified. She walked in. She's like, what the fuck is that? And I just, I mean, I bet she didn't even know what it is. Because when you pull this out, like, when you pull this out, it looks weird. Oh my God. I wonder if we can cut this and I can talk through this thing. Right. And just. I wish we could plug this in. I wish you could show that I want to see what the inside working of this thing. And you won't use that one. Mm-hmm.

No, I think it's fine. No, I think it's fine. No, I think it's fine. No, I think it's fine. I don't know if it's because I grew up with like a pure tanical belief in drugs and alcohol and sex. Yeah. Is there's a little bit of shame that happens.

Yeah. It's like, if I was like right now, I'm talking like right now, I would never do it. Yeah. But I would not never do it, but I just wouldn't do it. Yeah, but if I was horny enough and on the road I'd probably definitely do it. Yeah, if you're horny enough When you get like some horny you're almost like your eyes roll back in your head You're like like and

It's the worst is when you want to sex with your wife and you're in that mode. They're like I just don't want to oh, yeah Not now you like God and you're in that mode and they're like, I just don't want to. Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah. Not now. You're like, oh God. Just throw you off a balcony. Pfft. Pfft. Ooh, we could put a butt plug inside this. Yeah, you could.

Pfft. Are you gonna put that, you have far up your ass where you put that? I would put it all the way up my ass. I you gonna put that, you how far up your ass will you put that? I would put it all the way up my ass. I don't think that's fitting. You think you can fit that in your ass hole? I think that'd be a tough fit. Oh, very tough fit.

I mean, for like an amateur. I've never, yeah, I've just had girls' fingers in my ass. That's it. And they're tiny little fingers. Yeah, they're not like that. Leanne's a number of fingers. Well, maybe she had once. Yeah.

Yeah, I've done nothing she was into it I used to do a joke about it. This is my impression of me asking my wife to put her finger in my ass during a blowjob Okay, hey put your finger in my ass. What? Nothing Never mind. So you won't do it. No, let's let's not now she wouldn't no not after being around your ass Okay, this is on. This, where's the other, here. You're here, you hold one, okay. I'll hold one.

Where's the other remote, here. This is on. It is on? Yep. All right, so let's see. Who's got, who's butt plug? Hmm, I'm turning it up and not feeling anything. I don't know if you're anything either. What if you go turn this on?

You got turn this on? Oh, yeah, no, it's on. Okay, I got the right remote now. Is it on? Oh, mine's on. Mine's on. Jesus Christ, I think I almost tore my tendons again. This is a great toy.

Yeah, this is. This is great. But it's so fucking big, man. I think it's for the, I think we just bring it to our chicks. Put it in their asses. We can give it to them together. Yeah, and push. We got you guys.

And they're matching. See you guys are up. This is quite the handle too. This is yours. Are yours on? Yeah. How do you get yours to? Yeah, just give it a second. Yeah.

See what I'm willing to do right now? Yeah. It's just put this like near my ass. Yeah. Yeah. just put this like near my ass. Hahaha. Hahaha. Hahaha. Hahaha. So it's really good.

Yeah. Do you have your My Remote or your Remote? I got My Remote. You sure? Yeah. I'm going to a 20. Wait a minute. Do I have your Remote? You have My Remote crank it up. Is it off right now? No, no, it's going. No, wait, this is still.

This thing's fucking great. You got my remote. You got my remote. Yeah, you got my remote. Wait, sit on yours. Mine's going fucking crazy. Mine's going crazy. Here.

Here's switch remotes. Okay. No, wait a minute now. Hold on. No, this is still... By the way, we should have never mixed up remotes and dildos. Okay, you got mine. I do. Yeah, yeah

Is yours vibrating mine's doing crazy shit really? This vibrates a lot Can't believe this is inside you It's so big dude And then I love that they got to gave you something to pull it out with. Like, come on, let's get this bad. But I met the first generation, they were like, put you, you put a handle on the end.

The guy's like, why, they're getting away. And the guy's like, oh, no, we got this out of my head. Yeah, yeah, of course. And this is a handle, this is like to open a fucking safe or something. Like this is a really, like opening a bottle of wine. Whop. I mean, I gotta be dead honestly, Ditton.

Dead serious. Okay, now I gotta pee. I gotta pee, let me pee and then let's do it. Okay. And I'll put this up my ass when I pee. Hey, for real, here's the loop. Try it, see if you can put it up your ass. All right.

I'm just gonna sit online while you're gone. I should do ads like this. Except those brought to you by him's if you haven't heard me talking about hair loss, you're not listening This thing's not that bad I if I could get in my asshole. I want you to hear it. Can you hear it? Yes. I want to...

I feel like I'm a kid in a candy shop. Isn't it weird that I almost feel like I should ask permission to use her candy shop. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I guess she sells it. Yeah, I don't think everyone that buys one, I feel like asks her permission. This thing's fucking vibrating like crazy.

Here, I'll put it like this. How's that? Is that better? So do you think you're gonna start bringing some of this stuff on the road with you? No. Yeah, I some of this stuff on the road with you? No, I will yeah, I'm taking it all on the road with me. I would be very honest. I would probably see myself trying to get this up my ass. But I can't imagine it's getting more than what is happening right now. Like I can't imagine I think it would be invasive.

I think that's the that's the point of the design. I mean, if it feels good being vibrated from the outside, imagine from the inside. Well, no, what the battery life on this thing is. Do you get it in? Did you get it in? Are you serious? It's so big. Are you being serious right now?

Yeah, I want it. I don't know how much. Oh wait, I want to put mine in. Put it in here. Are you serious? Alright, I'm going to go put mine in. We're going to jerk off in here. Tom, was it difficult getting it in there? Huh?

Was it difficult getting it in there? A little bit. I can't believe this is level one. God, it's so weird there's no chicks here. I can't we just look at one? Fuckin' bring up some... How are you sitting down? Is it making it go further with you sitting? No, I laid it on its side. So this shaft is just along your ass? Yeah. It actually feels really good.

There is no way you got this in your ass. There is no way you got this in your ass. There is no way you got this in your ass. This is impossible to pull up your ass. There is no way you got this in your ass. It's just sitting right now. It's just sitting right now. I'm not getting fucking so fucking.

No, no. It's laying flat and like along my ass. No, it's not up my ass. And by the way, it feels really good. It feels fucking awesome. Just having it by my ass. Did I mean? It's not up my ass. And by the way, it feels really good. It feels fucking awesome. Just having it by your ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I literally was like, all right, I'm gonna try it.

And I went and it was like fucking, it was like fucking, it was like wreck it around. You try to get it in there. I give it a old college try. And as soon as I got there, I was like, this isn't going going I Think you need another person to put it in it probably helps. Yeah Yeah, by the way also I have a hard time wiping my ass. Do you not hearted it's the fucking oh My god, dude, what's got a realization. What? So, if you put this in your ass,

yeah, it's so nice to have the controls right here, right where you can see them. Yeah. All the controls in this are here. You definitely need someone to do this for you. Yeah. They put it in and then they go. You'd lay that, lay the other one in between your ass cheeks.

Just lay it between your ass. That's where it is. Yeah. Yeah. Feels really nice. Yeah. This would be nice jerking off of this. Yeah.

But why don't they make a very small one? Oh, I guess they sure they do. No, I bet it's the thing that makes it vibrate has to be bigger. What? What? The thing that makes it vibrate has to be bigger. You know what's weird is that mine's off now. What? What? Huh? Huh? Huh? The thing that makes it vibrate has to be bigger. You know what's weird is that mine's off now.

And now there's just this thing between my ass cheeks. Huh? Mine's still going. Mine, I'm gonna run this battery down. There's no way you can get this in your ass. There's no way you have to be like a legit, you have to, there's no way someone can get this in their ass. It just feels weird to talk to your friend with this going on.

I'm not bothered by it. Really? Yeah, I think it makes it kind of... I mean, it's pleasurable, but it's still strange. I'm not hard. Me neither. I think I'm more of like a dick person. You know, I think I have to,

I think my thing has to be about my dick. Oh, I think. I think the rest of my body, like I've I think I have to I think my thing has to be about my dick. Oh, like I think the rest of my body Like I've had nipple clamps on before like you know, I've had them with you and they were not enjoyable at all Do you remember how bad those hurt? Yeah, those were intense. It was like the dumbest thing in the world You're like who likes that and she was also like how about the insults? Did you like those? The what insults? Insults. Oh insults. Yeah, there, it's crazy that some people are in this, I can't believe I'm talking to you with this thing vibrating my ass hole. It's funny to me.

And that doesn't do anything for me. Insults? Nope. Not like, I mean, I enjoy racial slurs, but like when someone's like, but like when she was just like, I guess she was role-playing, but she was just like degrading us. That does nothing for me like, like, doesn't arouse me. No, it doesn't.

Me at all. I don't find any value in... I thought it was funny. Yeah. And by the way, I think it's because I disconnect and I go, okay, all right, sure thing. And now I'm not me. I have a hard time switching over from this guy right here to serious Burt where we have sex. Really?

Yeah. And I think that's why I have had so many few partners. It's that I don't trust people. I'm afraid I can't trust people, so I just never wanted to show them the other side of me. Like whatever one nice stands I've had, I remember one girl going like, all right, turn it off. And I was like, okay. Turn it off like your person. Yeah, yeah, turn it off.

Let's do this. And I was like, okay. And that's it. That's, by the way, the same girl I showed my balls to and that's the comedy club. But I remember I was telling you this to me. Oh, yeah, yeah. Same girl.

She was like, knock it off. Yeah, she, because she knew me as a comic. Yeah. And then I was, and I was, and I, I think, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I what, I wonder if there's an anal loop you can do, you put in before a shit that would help shits come out. You know how sometimes when you shit and then it'll almost be like it breaks off a little bit and you have a little magic marker tip there and you keep wiping, keep wiping, keep wiping, keep wiping, keep wiping. And then you're like, I think there's a piece of shit right there. And then you go, I have to take another shit later. I have to wait to this one so I can get the rest of it out.

One of there's like, if they had a very, very small amount of the loob that you would just insert into your asshole before your shit. And then it would just get all up there and be like, all right guys, now we're ready to go out. You know what you should do when that magic marker thing happens? Stand up, stand up, and it'll kind of close

some of your asshole a little bit and then you sit back down and it'll be like retract it a little bit, you won't wipe it as much. Are you being serious? Yeah. Shut the fuck up. Yeah. I've been just wiping like crazy my whole life. Just stand up for a second. I was actually thinking of Ari Shafir's asshole last night. Oh my God. He needs to go to the shirtless thing before you. No. What, when did he do shirtless? Like when he would perform shirtless.

I'm sure he tweeted shirt. No, no, he called me with the day he did it. Oh, he did? Yeah, he texted me. He was like, I just wanted to let you know I perform shirtless tonight. And he was like, it's fucking awesome. It was so exhilarating.

And he was like, I totally get what you do it. There's another guy that I saw do it. Yeah, I think yeah, yeah people take their shirts off all the time I can't this thing's just vibrating in my asshole Which one do I have do I have my remote I hope you do I Definitely do so if you hold this down. How are you gonna go? I just realized how to change modes Oh, mine went off I got take it out of my ass now As you turn yourself because I had it off for long enough. I just turned mine off That yours is enough still fucking going. Yeah. Miss your thing. But it's a-

I think you have my remote now. Okay. No, I have my remote. Oh. I should have read the directions on this thing. There it goes. Are you fired on that? No. Mine's holding on by a thread.

It's like, oh, no. No. No. It's like an old guy coughed it. Well, my asshole feels like detached right now. Yeah. Oh, we got the Loub out. You want to try it?

I mean, I feel like we should text Christine Mac and ask permission first. I do too. You know? Yeah, I feel like it would be really good. Let's do it. Let's do it. She knows you. Okay. Do you have a number? No. Wait, face timer, face timer. You definitely have her number. I might, I might. Because if she's like, a man, I don't make money off that. Please don't promote it. I don't know what kind of fucked. She has to make money off of it. Oh, and if it's like an old fucking manager, sign the deal for her, just face cover. I'm just on Instagram?

No, no, you got a number, right? No, I'm asking her right now if we can do it. On Instagram? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, she wish me happy Valentine's Day once. Well, when was this? Look how good I look here. Oh my god, it looks like Pete Coriel. I'm so skinny. That's pandemic, but where is Valentine's Day? April April 24th, 2020. You look good. Look at me. Let's see. April's 24th 2020. You look good. Look at me.

Let's see. That's you? Yeah, right. I don't even know if I like that look. What? Why are y'all gone? It's I wasn't drinking. I'm never gonna quit drinking.

I don't look, I don't even look good. I look weird, right? Yeah. What the fuck? Oh no, man. Wait, why are you saying Valentine's Day of his April? Because it was a Valentine's day. She wished me happy Valentine's Day. Oh. Jesus Christ, man. I look fucking super skinny in this.

I hadn't drank. If it's April, I hadn't drank in a month. You look so weird. Yeah, I look gross. Oh, fuck. Isn't that crazy that I don't like the way I look? Like, how do I, I gotta do fucking, you know what I gotta do? Drake, you gotta drink more. No, by the way, I'm thinking about drinking with this or going out of the world. Yeah.

I'm gonna go all the way. Yeah. Yeah, Saturday night. No, flying the tampa, I've dinner with my parents. Oh, fantastic. You should arrive lit. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm sure tonight. No, flying the tampa, I've dinner with my parents. Oh, fantastic. You should arrive lit. Oh, yeah. Yeah, gonna.

Yeah, I'm gonna. What will they say by the way? What do they like when you're like, eh, when you're like fully on? What do your parents say? Uh, I don't, they never see it. No one can ever tell when I'm like, Even them like your own parents?

No one can, but I don't, I don't, I think when I start getting drunk I just shut down like when I get drunk drunk. Yeah, you can't tell cuz I just stopped I stopped talking Okay, but like what about halfway there When you know me like when you're like hey, hey, like you're fucking party guy. Oh, I don't think my dad enjoys it He doesn't yeah, my dad's a quiet guy like he's a lawyer. Yeah, and he doesn't understand certain things like Your mom she loves it. She does love it. Yeah, she's like me. She. And he doesn't understand certain things like... And your mom?

She loves it. She does love it. Yeah, she's like me. My mom, my mom will call us drunk. Like she'll be like, my sister's gonna say, s*** is calling and my mom will be like, God, shut the fuck up. So, anyway, I'm got Booster Shots lined up for you

because you don't know this, but the guy I write it, he's a fucking fan. And I talk to him for like a half an hour today. And so I think I can get him to hook up some underground, Johnson and Johnson, if you're cool with it, and I'm like, I got you, mom. The best is when we call my mom,

and she has been drinking, and she passed out, and she answers the phone, and she's dreaming, and she talks to us, it is fucking hilarious. Really? That's my favorite phone call from my mom. When you call her her and you're, Leana, go, honey, it's 10.30 there. I go there up and you're,

oh, that man, yeah. Raccoons. They're in the house. Your dad's got to get raccoons out of the house. And I'm like, what? Mom, she's like, hold on. Albert, get a helmet. Albert, get a helmet.

And I'm, Brella. She's just like, and she's dreaming. And she's, and she's and she'd be she answers a phone And and she's been drinking and she and you're like mom are you okay? Like hold on one second Your aunt is here, and I'm gonna have to get her to take a bath and yours is like Holy shit awesome. It's awesome. I'll call Coddy. Coddy does it the best really got Coddy now Did your does your the best. Really? Now, did your dad, like have fun with the drinking?

You know what I mean? With me drinking? Yeah. Yeah, he today is like, all right buddy. I'm gonna get some bottles of wine, get some steaks, grill up, have some. Oh you're gonna grill at the house? Yeah, grilling at his house.

I was like, and but I also, I, they're double vaccinated, they their double vaccinated and got their booster shots So I feel comfortable going into the road and by the way aren't I are fucking on the road We've been really good about not being around a lot of people. Yeah, yeah We were talking about this the other day. Wouldn't we is that we don't really do a lot of shit. We just hang out in the bus Yeah, yeah, yeah, so you said a little bit of bars and stuff Talking about this other day, weren't we? Is that we don't really do a lot of shit. We just hang out in the bus. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, so you said. We don't go to bars and stuff.

Which I think I'm gonna change up. I don't know if I'm gonna go to bars per se, but I might do what you do, good smoking lounges. That you'd have fun with that. Yeah. And there's, because there's booze there. Yeah. Yeah, we were drinking at the smoking lounge.

You've been interesting, you've been interesting way to live your life. I was thinking about you in the shower this morning while I was pumping my dick full of water. What, tell me, tell me. I don't know, like, I saw like, I saw some clip of like, Why is Park Chrysler still alive? It was you and push. And then I was like, I live just like them. And then I was in the shower and I was like,

no, I bet Tom really does. Like, you went home last night went to sleep. Yeah, you were really tired. I worked out. I was really tired. I worked out. This fucking is so hard. But what's, I don't understand what's wrong with me is that

I was also very tired and I had been drinking since like 9 in the morning and I went back and I got a 10 in the morning It was when we had our first drink and I and I got went back and I Did I did a bunch of work and then I fell asleep for 30 minutes and then woke up and went out to dinner and stayed out And to late ran into Derek Poston He he's out living out here. Okay, yeah. And so, hung out, he came by the room,

we had a drink, bullshitted, gossiped. Any word from Christie Mack, I would love to try to feel this thing on the inside. No, that she didn't write back. You tried to run Instagram? Yeah. Okay, she probably gets tons of Instagram messages. Yeah.

What were we talking about right before? Oh, so then I was like, You think about our lives, yeah. Yeah, and I was like, I went out to dinner, saw that thing and I was like, how was Bert still alive? And then I was like, why don't we Tom did three yesterday? Like, and then I realized that me and her discussing that is also like what, like 90% of the population is, I'm like, I'm not sure if I can do that. I'm not sure if I can do that. I'm not sure if I can do that. I'm not sure if I can do that.

I'm not sure if I can do that. I'm not sure if I can do that. I'm not sure if I can do that. I'm not sure if I can do that. I'm not sure if I can do that. I'm not sure if I can do that. I'm not sure if I can do that. I'm not sure if I can do that. I'm not sure if I can do that. I Like what like and I realized that that me and her discussing that is also like what like 90% of the population thinks also I'm certain a lot of people wonder that yeah, yeah, yeah, and by the way It's not meant to be an insult. We're just like how the fuck is this guy? Yeah still going?

I was like I was and then I was like well, maybe I should just quit drinking. Like, what if I just quit, don't tell anyone, just quit. And I was just having soda in my hand and then everyone's like, he's so fucking wasted and I'm like, yeah, good, no one can tell what I'm drunk. You know, many people message me or write messages, they're like, I could tell you we're high on this thing and I'm like, no, not high. People think I'm wasted all the time on stage. Yeah. And by the way, I did get wasted the other day on stage For the in I think I told you this. Yes, you did and I had such a good time and everyone was like that was the best show

I've ever seen. Oh, that's good. I was like mother fucker. Yeah, and I was like I wonder if I let them down because I'm not Hammered on stage. You're not letting them down You're not letting them down, but you know, my whole thing was always like, go out and party after the show, so I'm not doing that right now. And I feel like people are like, ah, the old birds dead. No, they're not.

Really? No. No, they're not like that. Get that, I have such a fucking, get that thought out of your head. I have such a sick perspective on wanting people to like me. Like it's, it really is like, almost like, not healthy. a sick perspective on wanting people to like me. Like it's, it really is like almost like not healthy. Where you go like, we're not wanting people like me.

I want people to have a good time. I want people to have a good time. You do want them to like you too. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I want them to like me also. But, well, we all want people to like us. Like this whole idea. Everyone, you know. I don't know that that's true.

I'm saying, here's, okay, here's the way I would phrase it differently. I like when someone likes me, because I feel like it's a natural human thing. I know. So I'm saying we're just like on different degrees. It's not like I, it doesn't matter to me. You know what I mean? I still like being liked, but I think that you, you're more outwardly projecting that like me, you know?

And I'm like, do you? Oh, you don't? Okay. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Or you don't? Okay. Who do you name someone that doesn't like you?

That doesn't like me? Yeah. I don't know. That's not something I usually think about. Yeah, I don't think about that much either. I had, unless you're like, I know, I know guys don't like you. Really? Yeah, but you don't like me also.

Like a comedian? Yeah. But I'm not gonna say his name. Okay. By the way, because even saying his name, that person right now, there's 30 people going, it's me, he's talking about. It's me, and I don't know, that's.

Okay, well, I could think of, I'm not gonna It's me and you're, I don't know, that's, that's, that's the way. Okay, well, I could think of, I'm not gonna say, I think of someone who doesn't like me, but I'll say that I'm pretty comfortable, I'm pretty comfortable with some people not like me, but I think it takes you a while to get there. Like, in other words, there was a time where you go, you find out someone doesn't like you and you're like,

oh my God, right? But the older you get, you realize that like, not everyone's gonna like you, right? And then the thing is, not every comedy fan is gonna like your comedy. But what you get to the point where you're at now, where you go, what, you know what? I'm gonna play to the ones that do.

You know what I'm gonna play to the ones that do. So, Stavros, Stavvy Baby is his name on Instagram, but Stavros is his name. I forget how to say his last name It's one of those Greek names. He's he said one of the most fucking brilliant things to me He was like, you know, man. I'm by the way I'm a hardcore paraphrasing if you want to hear it You can hear it. He did do all my podcast. We zoomed. He said I There was a point in my life where I realized I was trying to fuck people that didn't want to fuck me

And he goes like literally literally like I was trying to fuck people that didn't want to fuck me and he goes Like literally literally like I wanted to fuck the people that didn't want to fuck me that make yes And he goes no one day. I just had a pivot and I went why don't I just focus on the people that want to fuck me? Yeah, and then like find that group and lean into that group And he was like he's like I got he goes I got more pussy without a tooth Because just focusing on the people that wanted to fuck me. Like I'm giving them attention and then those people that I knew weren't

gonna wanna fuck me, I just was like, they don't count to me. But the only thing that, because that makes a lot of sense to me, both with like the, like talking about sex but even like in all social groups. Meaning there's a time when you're like growing up where all you want is to be accepted by these people

who don't want anything to do with you. And the only girls you want are the ones who don't want to give you attention. And the only people, like places you want to go are the places where they go, we don't want you here. I've only wanted to have sex with the people that didn't want to have sex with me. Yeah.

I don't know what to, I mean, that must be a very common theme for people. It has to be. I wonder, I wonder if Leanne, I wonder if Leanne, like when I met Leanne, I was like, at first, I was like, oh, there's no way she'd be like me. Really? Yeah, yeah, definitely.

I was like, yeah, she's a, I've got her head on her shoulders. She's a screenwriter. She has a job. She's like, fucking, do you got shit going on? I was like, I'm a fucking loser. I'm a comic. I'm a, I'm a feature on her shoulders. She's a screenwriter, she has a job. She's like, fucking, she's got shit going on. I was like, I'm a fucking loser. I'm a comic. I'm a feature at the time.

I had money, but I'm pissing it away because I don't have any money anymore. And I'm like, and I'm kind of like, I'm a little bit of, like, I'm thirsty. I think at that time I was thirsty. But I was skinnier and I was more attractive. Is that Christie Mack? No. But I was skinnier and I was more attractive. Is that Christie Mack?

No. And so, and I was like, and then when she did, I was like, oh yeah, what do you want to include? I don't want to be a member of any club that will have me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so crazy. Why wouldn't you want to have sex with the people that want to have sex with you? I don't know.

I don't know. And it's fascinating. I wish we had a psychoanalyst here to break it down for us, but it is a super fascinating thing. Because even in comedy, forget sex for a second, in comedy, what happens when you start doing standup? You're like, I want this group of comics

to accept me or embrace me Don't get me do not get me started on right and then and then so crazy that was a big theme for me I remember like I remember standing outside of like having a good set and then like Shuffling over to comics that I like and just mean like You know you're waiting for them to acknowledge you waiting for so many go hey man good set. Yeah, yeah I you know so funny. I say good set to so many people Like what if I see the member good set and then by the way if they have a rough set like whenever anyone special comes out Yeah, I always watch it find the things I like and I text them and about the things I like and say congratulations

Yeah great special. I know I mean I'm very there Netflix isn't putting out a lot of bad specials right now You know everyone they've got coming out so fucking banger. So, but no one does that to... Like, you're right. Like, the amount of times I have a set and then I'd like, stand next to a comic that I really respected and he'd be like, what's up? You're like, oh yeah, you're like,

and you're like, good set tonight and they're like, oh, thanks. And it's so crazy. And by the way, we're really successful comics now. And to know that we felt that way when we were young. But I won't say the name. Oh, please say the name and just edit it out. All right.

All right. Will you edit it out? Okay. Why you, I tell them to edit out. Should I be nervous that anav doesn't edit everything out? I've been saying names all fucking, I mean I go, and Nidav edit this out. And he's just like, yeah.

Nidav, you have to edit out this, should I ask you to edit out please? Okay. Okay. So I just remember how comforting it was to hear this so I talked to My agent one day and I because I'm I also am reluctant to Exposing the name out you were going to okay, okay I'm also reluctant to express like I think a lot of people at certain insecurities

You don't even want to admit them right? Yeah, you're it is an insecurity. I'm the opposite Okay, so everyone my insecurities so they know they they're my security so they don't step on them. Okay And by the way, come back to backfire me a lot Then people find you they don't like you and then they find your inscurries and they just tweak I hope you know I think you already know, but I hope you know how much I enjoy you You're such a goddamn alien I feel the same way with you. You're such a goddamn alien. So one day I was talking to my agent, and I think I'm like dancing around this insecurity

about, you know what I mean? Like, because you're always like, what about this other person? And you know what I mean? And as I'm talking to them, I'm like, I think what I was talking about was how you feel these insecurities at a certain level, because this business side of our business is all about the hierarchy, you know?

And like you're a feature, and then you're a club comic, and then you rock clubs and theater. It's a whole thing. So I'm talking about like the top echelon and I like how those guys are. And he's like, oh, they're the same. And I was like, what do you mean?

He's like, they have the same thoughts and worries and shit that all you guys do. And like I remember just hearing that on the phone and having whatever level of anxiety I had that day, he just being like, like that, that was just comforting to hear. It's like seeing a famous comic have like an offset and you're like, oh, yeah, like that's really nice. He like I know he can kill, but I just saw him do like mediocre and you go like oh, yeah, they're like the regular. They're just another guy. That's so fucking that makes me feel that makes me feel good

Right. Yeah, that makes me feel good where you go. Oh, so they're just as bad as we are. They just don't tell you Yeah, I think a lot of people hold their insecurities so close to their vest Yeah, and they just put on a brave face, and then you're like, that guy's a fucking steel trap. And you're like, that guy's a flawless. Exactly. Except for someone like Joe Rogan, who I really don't think.

I think he finds an insecurity, and then he confronts it, and gets in its face. I do too. I think Joe is fast-standing in this way. By the way, he has the insecurity, but what he does is he'll look at his own insecurity and be like, you're being an insecure bitch. And then fucking, and then he'll deal with it.

And like address it. I mean, it's, yes. He said, he said, I very, very seldomly smoked pot lately at all. But the last time I did, I had an anxiety attack and it was like, that's not fun. I'm not enjoying that. And then I listened to Joe talk to Sanjay Gupta

and Sanjay Gupta said, Sanjay Gupta by the way, I know people are divided on that podcast, whatever for whatever reasons. That was a really great interview and it really made me like Sanjay Gupta a lot. Because he is exactly who he says he is. He's a scientist, he's a doctor. He is a nerd.

Like he's a big nerd. When he talked about, like when he smoked pot, he kept a journal and wrote down like what he was feeling. And like he actually experimented with marijuana and wrote it down. And then journaled and was like, I was writing really brilliant shit. Sometimes when I get high, I do write brilliant shit.

And then I had a panic attack, not bad, but just like all of a sudden it was like the dread, you know? And I listened to Joe talk about Sunji Gupta. And he was like, Joe's like, no, no, that's part of the process. I'm paraphrasing. That's part of the process. I welcome those because then that's something

I need to deal with so I can front it. And I deal with that anxiety. And then when you're done, you're a better person because you dealt with that anxiousness. Whatever made you paranoid, you dealt with it. And he goes, I actually embrace it. And I was like, what is wrong with his brain? Like how the fuck does he sprint away from a panic attack? Yeah.

I wonder what Joe's insecurities are. And I wonder? I think the fact, the way that he deals with stuff, I think a lot of it has to do with his martial arts upbringing and training. Of like you go and you attack your weak, like you train on your weaknesses, you, you know, you keep going with your strengths

and you can't run away from a weakness in fighting. and you can't run away from a weakness in fighting. If you do, you're just gonna get your fucking knocked out. And the way that he approaches things in life, it feels like the way you would train for something. You know what I mean? Where you're like, hey, I'm not doing, this is a weakness for me, I gotta get better at it. And that's the way I've always seen the way he deals with stuff.

It's a really interesting mindset. He told me a long time ago, and I really wish I had taken him up on it. He said it to you too around the same time, but he was like, let me get you into Jiu-Jitsu. I think that would really help you, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, yeah, and then I remember I went and sat with Eddie Bravo and Eddie Bravo had a black eye, and I go, what do you have? What happened to your eye? And he was like I was like yeah, and then I remember I went and sat with Eddie Bravo and Eddie Bravo had a black eye And I go, what do you have what happened? You're I and he was like, what are you talking about?

It was a cute black eye and he was like, oh, do I? I was like, huh? And he was like, I guess I must have hit it rolling and I was like, you don't even know you have a black guy? Do you realize how I mean I would be like all over that and I was like, you can just, you get black eyes And he's like, hey you black eyes, like, yeah, it's contact sport. And I was like, can you lose teeth? And he was like, I mean sure I guess, I mean, it doesn't really happen, but you have bump into someone, yeah, and I was like, I'm on television Like, I can't have, I can't just show up with a black eye. I mean, a black eye on television is like you cannot watch that episode You're like, wait, is he gonna say what happened to his eye?

And just all the way. Anyway, welcome back. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And that's that's really kind of we get to from anal butt plugs to insecurities. Do you know, you opened up a part of our feminine side and that we started sharing? Yeah. I like it. Do we get word from Chrissy Mac? And that we started sharing yeah, I like it. Do we get word from Chrissy Mac? No, maybe when we do our next episode, we know we'll try again Yeah again I'm by the way. I feel bizarre because you know she's not like she's not a she what you we were talking about this right She's not like a porn shouldn't have porn anymore. No, she only did it for that's crazy very sure

Okay, you can do porn for no idea. You can do porn for the porn. That was the other girl. Remember the one that came out like really against the whole industry? Like totally different than I'm saying. Mi-a-califa? That girl.

Mi-a-califa. And she was like, she, I saw an interview with her where she was like, I was manipulated into like, doing these, you know, like, it was very like, anti that industry. And she also said that she did it for like a few months. Yeah. It's crazy that you could do porn for a few months. Because they'll like clip it up. So it looks like you have like, you know, tons more content. That would make me fucking crazy. What, if you were a porn star? I've seen clips of me a while ago.

I don't look for anything anymore. A while ago, I remember I said something on a podcast with you and someone just clipped it out and it made it look like I was saying something horrible and I felt very powerless over it. And it kinda made me crazy. So I was like, that's not what I said. Like you're taking completely out of context

and using it for your own agenda. And it was very long, I can tell you when it was, but it was a while ago, right? And it bothered me, it bothered me really bad. And then I was like, I can't look at stuff about me that isn't about, I just can't look at anything about me. Yeah. And to imagine that the

You film I know let's say like let's I mean say you do it for a month say film 10 scenes to make rant imagine if you did it Now honestly like imagine if you did it at 22. I know by the way that's That's another thing I'm that I'm making me lose my mind Because I would I definitely would have done something like that. Like I definitely would have not fought things through. Yeah, they'd been like, and you're like, they're every time they're like, here's no $1,000, you're like, $1,000. $1,000 to fuck this chick. I'll do it.

And then that lives in perpetuity for the rest of your eternity and you're like, you're like, amen, that's not who I am, that's something I did. Yeah. And then, and because I've heard me a califa is like really into sports. Dude, the reason I swear to you, the reason I first learned who she was

was because of that. For real. Yeah, she did. And I saw this on Twitter, I was like, who's this chick? She had like some crate like showin' her tits shirt on and talking, but she was like talking details of the game. She was like, I don't know why they're not

handin' off the dalvin' cook more. I was like, what? I'm like, fuck, it's talking about. And it's funny. She's like, I don't know whether or not hand enough to Dalvin cook more I was like what? She's gotten in she's done interviews where she got in gotten in fights with the radio shows Because they're like all they want to talk about her porn and she's like and she's like hey, man I don't do that anymore and then in a weird way they won't let her live out of that Yeah, yeah, and you're like and and Part most of the time is just a person listening Yeah, you you often side with the radio show going like why won't you talk about it? And part most of the time is just a person listening. You often side with the radio show going like,

why won't you talk about it? Well part of me, I heard a bit about that. Part of me just goes like, oh, you just kind of want to go, you know what would probably make her feel better. Like if they insist on interviewing her like, hey, you know, here's porn, start and be like, yeah, yeah, I remember

2011 anyway, like just kind of a technology and then be like because she is way more than just that period of her life sure But the fact that people won't let her outlive it would I would make me absolutely fucking crazy Yeah, like I don't like this. I don't I Don't even want to tell people what I don't like because it bothers me. I don't want them to know what I don't like this, I don't, I don't even want to tell people what I don't like because it bothers me. I don't want them to know what I don't like. You know, so I can imagine if I have things I don't want to talk about. And I don't even want to bring them up.

I can imagine that it's that thing that they bring up every fucking time. And you can't get away from it. Yeah, I, we all have things that, you know. Actually, it makes you, like, it makes this fun, or like doing like, Joe's podcast fun. Like doing podcasts of people you know,

where they know you so well, that you don't have to, it's not a first time interview. Yeah. That's why a first time man, we all, at this point, we've each done like thousands of hours of podcasting. Yeah.

Sometimes it's like a couple of minutes into one, and you're like, this is of hours of podcasting. Yeah, there's sometimes It's like a couple minutes into one you're like this is not someone to podcast with I just yeah God I wish they were dead I wish they would die right here in front of me I I I'll give you a list really sure Yeah, like I wish like I wish like a certain podcast. I could be like hold on a second Hey, could you get this fucking idiot out of here? Oh, I Like you could you remove them by his neck? I

Can't I there's yeah I'm not a good you know what I'm not good at I'm not good at move them by his neck. I can't, there's, yeah. I'm not a good, you know what I'm not good at? I'm not good at imagination podcasts. You know where like, where it's like everyone's in character. Oh my God. And I have to be in character too. I know, I'm so bad at that. I did one where like they were like,

the guy would go, the worst is that he would go in and out of. Yeah. You know, imagination and is that he would go in and out of, yeah, imagination and reality, and I would stay in reality, and then he'd be like, not right now. Wait, what are we doing? And then somebody was like, do you not wanna, I was like, okay, I'm happy to be here.

Yeah, I've had one. There's one in particular that I'm sure people can find, where I ask the person to have alcohol and they're like, it's like 10 in the morning and I was like, I know, I have to be here for another hour and I can't do this. I didn't say that to them directly and they're like, we can get you like a beer.

I go, what do you have? And I just drank whatever fucking cooking, Sherry, whatever they had because I didn't want to be there. I literally was like, I was like, I don't know what to do. Like I know how to be burnt. I don't know, am I supposed to be a pirate right now? And they're like, because everyone's in character and they're taking phone calls and I'm like,

I'm like, wait, is this real? Like I didn't know what was real and what wasn't real. And they're like, hey, Brandon's on the phone. She's got cancer. Hey, per, what questions you have? And I'm like, I'm so sorry to hear you have cancer. phone, she's got cancer. Hey, bird, what questions do you have? And I'm like, I'm so sorry to hear you have cancer. And then she's like, oh, go. And you're like, do you have cancer?

Are you dying Brenda? Can someone get me another glass of cooking, Sherry? Yeah, that's the worst. Well, I'm getting nervous doing, like I'm getting comfortable doing it. It reminds me of radio. I had a guy on my podcast. Where did I just do radio?

Wait, tell me a good radio story. I love good radio stories. I'll tell you a good radio story while you think. Sacramento, okay? I go into this radio show and the guy that takes me, the worst radio, one of the worst radios I've ever done. Okay, the guy that takes me, brings me in, sits me in the waiting room, goes and talks to the radio show, and he goes, they don't want you.

I want what? And he goes, they don't want you, man. I guess we're just gonna go home. And I was like, okay, he was like, I'm trying to convince him. So just hang out, this guy that owns a club. Hang out. I'm gonna go talk to him again. And I was like, I don't think I want to do it.

And he was like, no, no, no, no, we need to do it. You're not moving any tickets. And I was like, okay. And I'm like, and I go, tell him I'm really good on radio. And he's like, I'm telling them. And they just think, they saw a picture of you and they don't think you're funny. And I was like, okay.

So he comes back and he's like, he's like, okay, they're gonna give you a shot. You gotta kill it, man. And I was like, okay, I'll do my best. So I go in and it's two old dudes. And they're like, they're not even making eye contact with me, they're like, all right, traffic, okay. All right, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. All right, in studio performing it, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. All right in studio performing it da, da, da,

is a comedian. He's here for the morning as Brent crystals. Okay, Brent, what's up? And I started in this joke about falling on the tub, which is, you know, it was a good joke. I put on one of my specials and I'm like, I'm like, yeah, you know, and they're like, were you drunk? And I was like, what? And I'm like, when you fell on yeah, you know, and they're like, were you drunk? And I was like, what? And I'm like, when you fell on the tub, you felt you were drunk? And I was like, I know, and then I'm trying to like, not, I go, no, but I'm definitely drinking a tub.

And they're like, you drink a tub and I go, you never pre-party before you go out. And as I'm saying, I remember, as I'm saying, you never pre-party before you go out, where you have to cigarette up here and the beer up here. And he goes, oh my God, a cop's been shot. I'm like, I'm not blocking. I'm just, I go. So, on the five, a cop has been shot.

And I'm like, I'm not blocking. I'm like, I'm not blocking. I'm like, I'm not blocking. I'm like, I'm not blocking. I'm like, I'm not blocking. I'm like, I'm not blocking. I'm like, I'm not blocking. I'm like, I'm not blocking.

I'm like, I'm not blocking. I'm like, I'm not blocking. I'm like, I'm not blocking. I'm like, I'm not blocking. I'm like, I'm not blocking. I'm like, I'm not blocking. I'm like, I'm like, I'm not blocking. I'm like, I'm like, I'm just sitting there and I'm like, that's all I can do. And they're just, they go, so on the five, a cop has been shot. He's been shot and then he's, and then he's like, what are you still doing here? And I'm like, see guys, I might have a little bit, can you mention I'm at the club this weekend?

They're taking it so available for the Thursday show. It's just Christ, dude. Oh, I remember, I remember getting so angry at that guy. Yeah. Because he was so excited that a cop had been shot because it was at that guy. Yeah, because he was so excited that a cop admin shot because it was news for him. Yeah, and I was like I was like there's a real person that got shot. Yeah, of course. By the way, you can actually find out. You can probably actually find out exactly what that radio show was. I'm sure you could. Yeah. By the way, so I always

hated doing radio. Yeah, but that's so funny because I love it and they you know, I still do radio. I still do radio. I know you do. I'm doing radio, I've already sold all my shows in Tampa. I'm still doing radio in Tampa. Yeah, well you're awesome, but I mean, that's kind of, yeah. But I mean, I always hated doing it and they would always pick you up. Sometimes with like enthusiasm, they'd be like,

guess what? You're doing like the four big shows this morning and I was like, I'll give a fuck. And they were like, okay. Uh. We are, we are so different. And so, we are so different. I wish I had a Tom Jersey I could put on

and just get some of your powers sometimes. I don't come a fuck. You know what I was? For real? Really? Who are they? And they'd be on my phone. So I would show up and they'd be like, you know,

this is like, John, he's the producer of like the biggest would show up and they'd be like, you know, this is like, John, he's the producer of like the biggest show here. And John would be like, you know, what do you want to talk about? I'm like, I don't care, man. And he was like, okay. Okay. So,

what? They, I can tell you three real quick ones. One time, I can't, the Kansas City one, I just remember that I get there and they're like, this is the biggest show in Kansas City. And the fucking host was fighting with it. You know, those, they get really weird familiar relationships. He was like, and

in the hallway, he's like, no, fuck you. And they were like, that's the host. I was like, I was like, I kind of like them. And so they're like, we're gonna get you in there. It's just, you know, they're having like, they're really like not getting along right now. And I was like, okay. And I just waited and waited. And we're sitting there like 45 minutes. And then he's comming, and they're like,

they're not gonna have you on. And I was like, I can go. And they're like, yeah, I'm so sorry. I'm like, I'm not upset at all. Like, I never want to do this. And they were like, okay. So they like, we just waited in a radio station. I was just upset at all. I never want to do this. And they were like, okay, so we just waited in a radio station. I was just upset that I was tired. You woke me up to sit in the lobby of this radio station.

And now we can go. Let's go. So we left. In Denver, in Denver, the guy came to the show. One of the guys came to the show on a Thursday and he pulls the lady aside at the comedy works. And it was like, you know, this is pre-selling tickets, just a fucking killer show and requests to have us stop by in the morning. And she's like,

that's awesome. Like he was, he was at the show. That's the best. And I was like, I was like, okay. So she picks me up and we go, no, I can't remember the other one. Uh, he picks me up, or she picks me up when we go in the morning and I get there. He's like, dude, he goes, that was the fucking,

you're hilarious. And I was like, oh, thank, like, you know, it's what you want. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As opposed to being there when they're like, who are you? So I walk in there and it's him and a co-host. And he's like, he's like, John, this guy. And John's like, all right, all right. So they come back from the break and he's like,

he's like, joining us now, he's like, man, I was at comedy works last night. This guy brought the fucking house down. He's so, man, I was at comedy works last night. This guy brought the fucking house down. He's so fucking funny. Tom Segura and I was like, hey guys, and then he's like, hey, so, and he like brings up a topic, like we think of that.

And I was like, yeah, I don't know, man, it's fucking crazy. And then, he bring up stuff from your act? Well, he started and then there was a sports segment. So he's like, oh, let's talk about sports. So I just started jumping in on real sports talk. And then the co-host looks at me, goes,

like, right in front of him, he's like, when is he going to do something funny? And so, and then on the air, he goes, no, I swear, I was there last night. He's funny. On the air. On the air. I'm being serious.

Yeah, he's like, I'm serious. And the other guy's like, I'm waiting for it. And I was just like, oh, I'm not gonna do anything that you want me to do. Like, I was like, What, where is that, your brain? I wish I had an ounce of that. The other one was, I did a radio show where I was like, what? Where's that your brain? I wish I had an ounce of that. The other one was I did a radio show where they're like, give us your your

lead-ins and I go, I don't have any. And they're like, you you have to. And I was like, then I guess I won't be on the show. And so then the club was like, please don't do this. Yeah. Like, and I was like, I go, I go, I'm willing to go in there, but I will not give him anything to ask me. And they were like, he needs something to ask you. I go, I don't ask you what you want to ask me. And they're like, no, you tell us what he'll ask you. And I go, I don't have anything to say.

And they go, they go, okay, and they go get him. So they get the host during the commercial break and he comes out and he goes, hey, you're supposed to come in next. And I go, yeah. And they go, they said, you don't, you don't want me to ask you anything? I go, no, you can ask me anything you want.

Yeah, so whatever you want to ask me, you can ask me. And he's like, like, did you have a kid recently? I'm like, yeah, he goes, oh, so I'll ask you that. I go, okay, it's up to you, man. And he's like, did you have a kid recently? I'm like, yeah, he goes, oh, so I'll ask you that. I go, okay, it's up to you, man. And he's like, okay, and then he, so he did his own pre-interview. And then his staff was, they were so scared of him. They were like, they're like, oh,

they're like, he never comes out and does this. By the way, by the way, I think I know who this is. Yeah, I do. And then I go. Because he does, I know this, I'm almost certain I know who this is. Because he is, he does great interviews. Well, he does the pre-interview.

So we ended up having a great, a great fucking time. Yeah. Yeah. And it's funny because I know exactly what you're talking about. And I've been doing his show for fucking years. And I love doing it. It was great. Because he knows, once he knows who you are, and sometimes, and I don't know that staff guy per se,

but sometimes those staff guys getting the way of their host doing a great job. I had a place in, I wish I could remember the exact, I wanna say St. Louis, but no, it wasn't St. Louis. And the guy, the producer came out and was like, hey man, I thought they were playing a game on air. I think we're listening, and they were playing a game, air. I think we're listening and they were playing a game and he's like, I'm gonna need five, you know, talking points.

And I thought they were talking about animals. So I just wrote down five animals. Like, I thought that was part of the game we were playing. And so I went in and they gave the sheet to the guy and the guy's like, all right, Bert, so you love horses. Like, like, I think I was like, I do love horses. And the only thing was it was it was dogs. I was all animals.

Dogs, tigers, cats, and horses. You really? I thought it was the part of the game. I thought I was going to play the game. And I came in and he goes, and whatever he says, like, you got a dog? And I was like, I do have a dog. And so I started doing that.

And he's like, and then the next one was like, and a cat. I was like, I have a cat too. And so I'm like, all right. And he's like, and you have a tiger? And I was like, huh? he's like and then the next one was like and a cat I was like I have a cat too and so I'm like alright and he's like and you have a tiger and I was like Oh, he's like you like horses and I'm like oh my god. He's reading the things I wrote down I love riding horses I'm fascinated by tigers and I'm trying to think of a tiger bitch. I was like you know that Liger's are real things. Yeah, whoo. Why didn't we write down Liger Liger's God damn it.

Yeah. We should grab this up. Yeah, we should grab this up. This has been a fun episode. It was, and the answer to the thing is that, it started with butt plugs, and it even got, it got almost better after butt plugs. Yeah, do you think our podcast has gotten better

since you moved to Austin? Yeah. Why? Because you're here. Yeah, but I was, what, why is it, because I noticed it's gotten better. Like I'm not that I'm enjoying it,

I am enjoying it more. Do we miss each other? I think that's what it is. I think we would live in the same city. We would see each other and we, you know, I think because we're living in different cities, it's an event to get here. Yeah.

Yeah. I just wish I could transport that Hooters private jet. We haven't looked at the email yet. I bet Hooters hit me up. That would be the biggest thing to happen to Hooters for, they could use the plumb as a positive PR. Think so? Yeah, they're getting slammed right now

because of the outfits. What was that? Team. That documentary, what was it where the guy was running a hooters? He put beans on a plate for the waitresses and he's like, all right, it's pig trough time, piggies. And he's like, you ever eats it first, they can get off work. It was undercover boss. Whenever he said first they can get off work, it was undercover boss. And then they're like, um, and then the best is that the guy who like runs hooters has to be like, I can't believe you to mean these women like this. Oh my god. Oh my god.

All right. All right, I love you. Love you too. Bird time, time and bird One goes top and swath the other, wears a shirt Tom tells stories and birds the machine There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep the clean Here's what we call, two bears one cave No scripts to bet a booze amateur for topology Dirty jokes, ronti humor, no apologies Here's what we call, two bears one cave Dirty jokes, ronti, hammer, no apologies Here's what we call

Two bears one cave