2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 108 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: November 22, 2021

CHICAGO! Come see Tom live on his birthday, April 16! Presale starts this Wednesday at 10am local time. Get tickets at https://www.ticketmaster.com/event/04005AE7FAE32A7B and use code EVERYWHERE SPONSORS: - Go to https://EstablishedTitles.com/BEARS to become a Lord today and get 10% off. - Go to https://3Chi.com and use code BEARS at checkout to receive 5% off your order - Go to https://WHOOP.com and use code “CAVE” at checkout to save yourself 15% off today. - Go to https://Vuori.com/bears to get 20% off your first purchase and enjoy free shipping on any U.S. orders over $75 - Go to https://HelloTushy.com/BEARS to get 10% off your order and FREE shipping. - Be the big winner this holiday season with a gift from MVMT. Go to https://MVMT.COM/CAVE! Join the MOVEMENT! - Get 50% off your new home security system by visiting https://SimpliSafe.com/bears. - Go to https://SkylightFrame.com and enter code BEARS to get $10 off your purchase. - Get 20% Off + Free Shipping at https://Manscaped.com/BEARS 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer is back for another episode out of G-bay studios! Tom starts with how he grew up thinking he wanted to become a doctor, but realized he needed a higher GPA than the second lowest. The bears get into the trade off between working hard and enjoying nice things and if it's ultimately worth it. Bert then describes the BEST pep talk he ever got before going to an audition, which leads the bears to trade nightmare Hollywood stories. Bert then actively drinks water for a bit trying to reach a gallon for the day and how drinking out of water bottles makes his stomach hurt. Then the bears trade gambling stories about blackjack roulette, and craps, which then leads the bears to share confrontation stories with security.

Hey guys, big announcement. I am adding a show at Credit Union 1 Arena in Chicago on April 16th, my birthday. It's going to be a huge show and the tickets are going on pre-sale. This Wednesday at 10 a.m. local time until Thursday at 10 a.m. local time with the code word everywhere. If you wait till Friday, that's the general on sale. Get tickets. It's going to be a fun, crazy night in Chicago. Yeah, I sleep naked and I don't wear underwear and you always sleep naked. Oh, I see. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If I'm on the road, I know I take that back on the tour by side sleeping sweat pants.

I don't I'm usually drunk. So I just pass out 100%. Hello, doctor. Hello, doctor. Doctor. Do you think you could be a doctor? You know that I had a fantasy about being a doctor, but a real one where I thought that it was going to happen. For real? Yeah, but a doctor.

Well, I thought I wanted to be a cardiovascular surgeon, and then I was like, that's what I want to do. And like, when you're a kid and you say that people are like, that's what I want to do. And like when you're a kid and you say that people are like, that's really great. You feel that way and you know that. And I didn't know that I'm a fucking idiot. So I was like telling teachers that and they were like, that is fantastic. The kid your age is already saying that, you know, I mean, like you're like, oh yeah, yeah, oh, because they look for the kid that knows what he wants to do. And if you have like ambitious goals like that, they saying that, you know what I mean? You're like, oh yeah, yeah. Oh, cause they look for the kid that knows what he wants to do early. Sure.

And if you have like ambitious goals like that, they try to, you know, call to their teachers, you know? So I tell, it's ninth grade, and I tell my, some of the teachers that, and you know, I'm able to articulate it, and they're like, this is great. They don't, you know, most people that pursue that field, their real strengths are not necessarily English,

but the maths and science is, and that's where I would bomb. So before they're aware of how bad I am at that, I'm expressing this idea. And then my dad calls his brother, who's like a world-renowned urologist, right? This guy invented a device that they remove kidney stones with. Okay, so they nickname it.

You can go into it. It's now it's a little older, but if you went into like a doctor's hospital, you asked for a cigarette basket. No way. You could probably Google a cigarette basket, kidney stones. That would make sense that your dad's brother has the same last name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Same for him.

For a second, I was like, they named it after you. Yeah. No, no, no, Tom. I thought, Tom. I see how the first, the top one there. Yeah. I mean, but what I was saying is, you're the only cigarette I have ever met. Oh, sure, yeah.

So I go, I literally was like, they named it after Tom's cigarette. Is, yeah. Yeah, not realizing your dad has that last name. Sure. And your dad's brother would have that name. So they put that up your fucking thing. I think so. Holy shit.

To remove kidney stones. So anyway, at the time when he invented this, it was considered like state of the art, right? So anyway, he calls his brother, it's like Tommy wants to pursue medicine as well. So they're all like fantastic. Through the roots. Yeah, they're like and it's in the family. Obviously, there's other doctors too. So he's like, he's a urologist. He calls the Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville because we're living in Florida

and he's like, I set you up for the day. So I go there and I'm a freshman in high school, but I'm a pretty big freshman in high school. I mean, I'm- You look like a man. I'm 5, 9, 5, 10, and I'm 180 pounds. Yeah. Like, yeah, I look like a- So the doctors are like, where do you go to-

Like, where are you in medical school? They think I'm in medical school. And I was like, and I say like a high school and they're like, what? And I'm like, I'm a freshman in high school. And they're like, and I say like a high school and they're like, what? And I'm like, I'm a freshman in high school. And they're like, oh my God. They're like, the first of all, I don't know if there's a lot of small doctors, they're like, you're an enormous man. I'm like, I'm like, I'm 14. They're giving you the lunch money. And they're like, okay. So then they go, and I go, this

is just like, I want to pursue this this and I'm studying it for a report. I was doing a report on the history of surgery. So I did this paper, the history of surgery. So I go, I was reading books about it, but I was like, am I supposed to sit and watch surgery? So I sit there, the very first operation is a, the removing a vaginal cyst from a woman who's 83 years old Oh, man, and the doctor pulls me aside and he goes just so you know

She's awake. So she's numb, but she's awake. So don't be like oh she's gross and all this stuff Yeah, I'm like okay. I'm a president of the nice school. I have seen Nayopussy. Yeah, Nayopussy. And certainly now I'm with a fucking softball-sized sister in it. So. Oh. That's how you, actually, I bet that can make a kid gay. I bet you could be like, I'm turned off from pussy forever.

That's the first one you see. Yeah, it wasn't a good one. And when they got in there, they stopped and they go, oh, get a get call Kyle. And I'm like, what's going on? They're like, this is record science. So then they start taking pictures of it. So you see a flash going off.

Then they rupture this, and it's just shooting pus everywhere. And I'm just like, man, I don't know if I like medicine. I'm just like, man, I don't know if I like medicine, you know? And from there, I watch 13 procedures that day. So that was like at fucking 7, 15 in the morning. It should be noted, you graduated high school with the second lowest GPA. In my class.

In your class. You only beat a guy named Rocky. Yeah. Yeah. That was the only guy done with a rock. Yeah. Rocky. Rocky had a lower GPA.

My GPA was so low that they were just like, they didn't even say like, are you thinking about community college? They were just like, are you thinking about tinting windows? Like, are you like? Dude, dude. What, my college, my college, whatever high score college thing that you take the test and tell you what you can do. And I take the test and they're like,

they have the results and they're like, so, what do you think you, what would you like to do? And I was like, probably either an inventor, owner magazine, or a lawyer. And they're like, or a lawyer. And I was like, my dad's a lawyer, so I'll probably just do that. And they're like, okay, you're not gonna be able to do that.

And they go, you should be fixing refrigerators. And I went, I'm in college. The fuck am I fixing, why am I going in college if I'm gonna fix refrigerators? And like, refrigerator repairman is probably best for you or in military. And I was like, I'm fucking out. My, I remember that I went in to see the high school counselor. That's how I found it

He was out of the room. They're like sitting his office. I was like, okay, and I just look and I see Like a piece of paper and I see and I see someone's name. I'm like, what is that? And I pick it up and it has my class and it's descending order of GPAs Yeah, and I'm looking and it's like I had GPAs. And I'm looking at it and it's like, I had some fucking, I was a small school, some brilliant, brilliant kids in my class. I mean, we had a lot of, a lot of Patels. That's a few.

Yeah, those fucking, couple, Kim's. A couple of Kim's. But like, you know, some like four to five GPAs. We had four or five kids that were every day at a certain hour a van would pick them up from our high school and take them to a community college like 20 minutes away because we didn't, there was nobody on our high school campus that could teach a math level high enough for them.

So they would have to go to a class and I was like, I don't understand long division. So I have, by the way, I always got screwed up on division. When it was like a hundred divided by 10, I'd always put 10 divided by 100 and get this like huge fraction. I'm like, God damn it, that answer doesn't seem right. But it would be 10, but it turns out it's point, ding, ding, ding, ding.

I like this is when I, I don't realize how poorly I'm doing. And then I read this thing and I'm like, holy shit. Cause I'm looking for my name. I don't wanna say my name. Because you're one of my smarter, you might be my smartest friend. Well, no, it's this. I'll be, I'll be totally honest.

I really, really, really can be super lazy. And I was fucking a lazy student. I did much better in college because I started to care more and became aware of it. But in high school, I didn't try. I was just like, I mean, I was just more into social stuff and sports. And then when it came time to matter, it was too late.

It was too late. They were just like, you're not going to get in anywhere. I wish I had a, I remember Gary Coleman one time. We were right before he did last coming standing too. And we were having coffee ever, coffee bean on Beverly, or on third, Beverly, I think. And he sits down and he's like, I think I'm going to quit comedy. And I was like, really? And he's like, yeah, I said, what are you going to do?

And he goes, I want to be a high school guidance teacher, counselor. And I was like, really? He's like, yeah, I think that's my calling. And I said, why? And he goes so that I can pull kids aside like myself and say, don't ever get into fucking comedy. And I was like, really? And he was like, I'm fucking, and then literally the next week,

he got a last-come-extending and his life changed. And the next week. But what was I gonna say? Um, yeah, I wish I had been an insightful guy in this counselor who had been like, what do you enjoy? And I was like, do you know those pepper alleys? When I stand in front of everyone and I talk, I like that. Or like, you know when we get on the bus and I grab the microphone and you guys let me

talk to the microphone? There's got to be no fucking guy in this counselor that tells a killer. Have you thought about pursuing comedy? There should be, though. I mean, there should be someone, at least with an insight. I don't think anyone drove direct to me towards comedy. I'm saying that I'm sure I'm contradicting myself. But I don't think anyone was like, comedy is a viable...

Yeah, because it's horrible advice. Yeah, that is a horrible advice. It's horrible advice. It's horrible advice if you just go through. If some kid right now is like, yeah, you know, I'm feeling like this to be like, you need to try to stand up. Like, you're-

If you just were guys, it's really gonna struggle. And you're like, I pitched a show one time to FX, called Berkharz your guidance counselor, but it was like, I don't wanna take guys that were like myself, but were lazy and didn't have a direction, didn't have a talent,

and go, you should operate a lighthouse. And then we'll take him out there, put him in a lighthouse, and he's like, his stone, and he's like, I actually fucking love this. Like really get to know the guy, and then take him and put him in a job that is so fucking bizarre. Yeah. That he's like, you think you could have been like a lighthouse operator

Right, but you think you could have been like just happy doing that if like somebody puts you in at the right time I was let me tell you a story Tom story Tom. I was getting I was doing something very very luxurious the other day Very nice very very pleasant anyone would love to do what I was doing. You can't get more specific. No, I'm not can, but that's okay. Okay, okay, okay. And so, and I thought to myself, everyone around me was very excited.

And I thought to myself, this is gonna sound weird, is this worth it? Meaning, the amount of time I just went away from my family, all these pursuing my own dreams, my dreams, not working to make sure that my family and I, you know, have things like I'm not like the dad that is showing up a softball practice or golf tournaments. I'm not that dad and I do get these nice things in my life, you know?

But, is it worth it? If I said to say a dad in Boston, who's got two girls and he's probably 33 years old right now and he just, and his kids are like five and three and he's working, he's Boston is asking, maybe making 80 grand a year or a hundred grand a year and he's killing themselves,

he's got to put these having great family lives. And he maybe never has the opportunity to go, scuba diving off a yacht or fly in a private jet to Hawaii. Yeah. Like, he may look at his life and go, those are things I'll never do, right? If I could switch with him and allow him some of the, the luxuries I've gotten and go,

but here's the deal. All that shit you're doing with your kids that maybe sometimes feels tedious That you'll be able to look back when you're 80 and go I didn't miss a softball game Well, you get the luxury but you got to go I missed all the softball games. I missed all of them I mean I take that back I'm going to a bunch of softball games but like I didn't but you missed a bunch of them a ton and fucking I'm going to do a bunch of softball games. But like I did, but you missed a bunch of them. Ah, a ton and fucking birthday parties, like, I mean, yes.

And I go, I literally was thinking, is it worth it? Meaning like all this, like getting to perform in huge arenas and all these dreams that I've had, had I known what the price was, what the, what the VIG was gonna be, we should talk about gambling. What the VIG would be, is it worth it, meaning what life is richer, you know? Yeah.

Like, I saw this thing where it was some show, like a reality show, and it was a kid, a kid meaning that the son who is now, let's say, 30, and his dad was in his 60ss and his dad is a reality show It was real people. That is a like a very successful businessman I don't remember his line of business, but just a very successful guy and They were having that conversation About like how there was a huge disconnect for a lot of years and now they are more connected. And he was saying like

the dad was like, you know, all I cared about was my business career. And he's like, and I look back and he's like, you know, it doesn't matter that I closed that one deal or that other deal. And I made this much more because I missed out on all these things. It's like what you're talking about. Yeah. And I'm pushing myself so hard on this tour, me too, speaking of which I'm gonna post out on all these things. It's like what you're talking about. Yeah, and I'm pushing myself so hard on this tour. Me too. Speaking of which, I'm an Austin this week. You are?

Yeah, I'm an Austin this week. This week, the disservers. Okay, wait a minute. No, not this week. This week's Thanksgiving. Next week, next week I'm an Austin, Sugar Land Prairie, Grand Prairie El Paso, Abilene. I'm gonna do it in a huge Texas run,

so that'll be easy for the podcast. Okay. That'll be easy hopscats and back and forth. Okay. But is it like my dad was successful growing up, but not he really, I think he lived paycheck to paycheck, but he was there for everything. Yeah.

And I think that's also, it's different. If I lived in the same city as my family, I'd just, I'm never there. But was there all the time? I think it would be easier. Yeah, I, I can't remember about that. You just started.

You have like, I'm jealous of like you and Bill and Joe because you guys are just starting families. Maybe Joe's are a little, Joe's are out of the way. But you got, you haven't fucked up yet. That's the great thing. About like being gone and stuff all the time? Yeah, I'm already gone all the time. Yeah, all the time. Yeah, but'm already gone all the time Yeah, all the time. Yeah, but that's easy. He's don't count

Really? Whatever No, I missed stuff now. Yeah, I missed stuff now. It's fucking so bizarre I think about being a dad so much so much better as a dad and I'm not a good dad than I was a boyfriend What like a dad and a husband being that guy, so much better than that than the single guy in the bar trying to get laid. Really? Oh, so bad.

I was so desperate. I would like to call, I would like to call hot chicks that I tried to fuck and see what they thought of how I behaved. Do you think they made you probably thought, oh, you were just like every other guy trying to fuck me? There was a girl, no. no, I think I did it. I think we always think that we're standing out more

as desperate or whatever than we actually are, that other people, everyone's consumed with themselves to my point, so I don't think that other. Oh, interesting, you know. So Barry Katzman's told me, I had a bad set in front of the, like a showcase set. And I was like, I need to get back in front of the industry. I feel I need them to see that I'm better.

And he was like, he was like, Papa, let me ask you, let me ask you a question. Do you think anyone's really thinking about you today? And I was like, what? And he goes, they're thinking about the people at crust. They don't remember that you bombed because they didn't care. They goes, they're thinking about the people at crust. They don't remember that you bombed, because they didn't care. They just, they're, by the way, they're all thinking about themselves today. Yeah.

And I was like, what? And he's like, who have you been thinking about all day? I said, me? He was, that's what everyone's doing. Yeah. And Barry was really insightful. I was really, I would hear that stuff about him. He was, he was a really interesting fucking guy to have as a manager at that like starting off

He had lines that you would that would just come up all the time he did He started a podcast like an industry podcast, right? Yeah, I was on it I hated the one I was on why he's like he was like It's Barry doing his Barbara Walters and he's like and I know him way too well But he's like are you ready to admit that you are an alcoholic and I was like What you think I'm in by the? You think I'm gonna, by the way, you think I'm gonna do it on your podcast? You think I was like, no, very.

I'm not ready to admit that. And he's like, I mean, pop. And I was like, Barry, you haven't seen me in six years. You saw me today for the first time in six years. What makes you think I'm drunk all the time? Like I think that, that, I think it's also how you're perceived by people. And I was like, by the way, I was like,

you nailed it, but, yeah. I mean, part of me is like also how you proceed by people and I was like by the way I was like you nailed it but I mean part of me is like do you have cameras in my house? What the fuck? I like this what Barry let me give you the best Barry speech he ever gave okay. This is By the way, I feel like I'm talking about an ex girlfriend because I got a manager that I love that I'm currently with That's why with it, but this was what was great about Barry and so also wait you said that oh Yeah, you just said that you were bad at being at the bar. Sorry. I was trying to remember. I was about to be in the bar Yeah, I was made to by the way terrible. We should get terrible. Yeah, so um, so I get a I get a deal at CBS, right? Yeah and

And David this guy David J Nash gets a deal at CBS at the same time and so we both write pilots David J is fucking smart as shit he really that guy did you ever know David J he was a comic I think he's just a showrunner now he's got we Google David J. Nash and see what show he's got a show on the air right now that's really popular. He does? Yeah, he's been very successful. He is, what's his show right now? Did you stop? It's one, it's gonna be the top one. No, no, it's gotta be. Anyway, he's an interesting guy, right?

I'll tell you a story about David J. Nash. So he started, he is a guy who could have been a doctor. He's a could have been a doctor. He's a very, very, very brilliant dude. And so he comes to New York from Boston. First guy I ever knew that had a website started doing colleges before anyone knew anything about colleges, about having a website.

He learned how to program his own website Like he's the kind of guy that was like I will not be held down Yeah, and and good looking guy but but but like from raw look like Ross from friends, okay, and so He starts to know but Mike night at the Boston comedy club on Monday nights and and it's a bringer shows We just anyone comes there and he's our age. He's exactly our age But he's doing a bring a show to me tree Martin myself Jordan Rubin like all these guys did this show and and then and then I get a deal with Will Smith I come back then David Jay and I both get deals at CBS and David Jay Says and I developed a sitcom about myself

David Jay thinks and I would he goes all right I bet if I write the character my best friend character as Bert if I write it for Bert Then I have a double chance of mine getting picked up because they're like well We've already got to deal with burp. Let me just plug them into David Jay succumb and then we can kill two birds with one stone Fucking genius. He does that. I audition and I cannot fucking act at all like I am like horrible He's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like,

he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he're like, it's not gonna work. Like, I apologize. And David J is like, I really wish they'd let you test because I still think this is right for you.

And I go, I know. So I go to dinner with Barry, Katz, and Vincent Nasty. And Barry says, since that one, he goes, he goes, so here's the deal, Papa. No one wants you to test. They don't think you're gonna do it. I don't think you're gonna act whatever.

He says, but I got you the test. And I went, but I don't wanna go. I go, no one wants me for the role. Like, I've auditioned, I've read, I've done callbacks, I've done it for everyone. No one wants me for the role. And he goes, let me tell you a story about someone people didn't want.

Hideo No Mo. Hideo No Mo comes out his first season and he throws, I fucking no hitter and he's the most valuable player. They got him for the Sai Young Award, okay? Hideo No Mo is the biggest star of the next season. He does nothing. He does nothing and the team wants nothing to do with him. So they trade him to Boston who doesn't even want him.

Hideo Noomo pushes his first game. No one expects a thing out of him, especially the other team. Do you know what Hideo Noomo did? And I said no, and he was, he threw a no-hitter. Because no one saw it coming. He goes, you walk in that room and you be Hideo Nomo. Tom, I walked into Fox and I destroyed my fucking test. And Fox called CBS and was like,

Bert Christ, there's the guy. The whole thing, I'm repeating, be Hideo Nomo, be Hideo Nomo. I walk into CBS, I walk in, let's move this, sit down. I know all the people in there, let's move this goes, Bert, David J, because I'm reading with David J and David J is telling me, like, you killed it in Fox.

What the fuck, where did that come from? And I was like, no one expects anything out of me. I can just fucking come, it's like a sucker punch, right? They think I'm gonna suck. If I'm just a little bit better than suck, then it's amazing. So I go into CBS, I go to do the test, let's move this system. He goes, David J, Bert, good to see you guys again. And I go, I'm go into CBS. I go to do the test. It's the last move is this down. He goes David J.

Bert, good to see you guys again. And I go, I've never met you and and everyone's like, what the fuck are you talking to the last move? And he goes, you've never met me. And I said, no, I'd remember that hair. And he goes, what? I said, you have a beautiful head of hair. And he's like, okay. And David J is like frozen. He looks at me and he's like, what are you doing? And then I go, have you ever met David J? And he goes, I don't know. And David J goes, I've never met you before. And let's move this goes, well, gentlemen,

it's a pleasure to meet both of you for the first time. And I said, I said, why are you on that side of it? You're good looking. You should be an actor. And everyone starts laughing and he goes, well, actually, Bert, I was an actor back in the day Gentlemen, let's see this test and we fucking murdered it and I got the fucking part And I was like be the day of no more and I so then I'm telling I'm like Can I tell you I'm talking like fucking Gary Goldman, Dane Cook

Well someone I'm and I'm like who all represented by Barry go Can I tell you the best speech I ever got from Barry cats and they the like a day onomo and I went he gave it to you too And he's like he gave it to everybody Meaningful speech I ever got in Hollywood. Yeah, oh, that's a good space like a coach That's a good coach. I coach. I take coaching very well. Yeah, I take coaching They're like I can if you give me a a coach I can exceed if you leave me to myself I kind of just end up running around the field throwing the ball near and cashing it myself. Yeah, yeah Yeah, same man. I like coaches. What are you I saw you right now?

No, cuz you're talking about tests and I was like do you ever hear this story? Did you hear that story man? That was that was wild that it's it's like known but like but this was a show that was going, and these guys were cast. What's the first name? Is it the first name I think it is? The first name you can read the first name, can't you? That name? That's the first name. No.

What's that word? Oh. I got that. I saw this one. I saw that. Yeah, I got that. And then, yeah. And then this. I saw that. I saw Oh, I got that.

Oh, I saw this one. I saw that. Yeah, I got that. And then, yeah. And then this one. What's the last one? You can't read that. Show.

I got that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was going to read in other words. Okay. Tell me the, tell me this. So they had, this was a show that was like supposed to be a big show. And when they went to read, like to test the table read the the network and the the producers came and they did the table read and then the

the people the network went up directly to And said are you trying to ruin this? I've been told, are you trying to fuck this up? Yeah. And they're like, no, and they're like, well, you are. Like, this is at a table read. Like, we're gonna shoot it.

And then said, like, well, told everybody, we're not gonna be able to do this if like, this piece of shit is the actor. And then found out that it wasn't trying to do that. They were just like, you suck. Like, told him, and clearly he doesn't. No, he doesn't suck, but they were like, you do suck. And he was like, all right, I'll try something else.

And then they saw him do something else and they were like, no, you're're like now you're terrible like you're That's fucking insanity. Yeah, I was told one time I Won't say anyone's name and hopefully no one can get this get to find out the name hopefully On that David J pilot. Yeah, so So Elliot Gould played David J's dad and Elliott Gould was playing a blind guy, right? David J's dad's really blind in real life. And, and he has a seeing eye dog, I think. No, he didn't yet. You guys shoot this show? Yeah, we shot it. Yeah, we shot it. The pilot. Yeah, David J, we're

going to do a, like, a live table read, a reenactment of this pilot. If we get Elliott Gould, but I don't think it's, it's tough to get Elliot Gould. Liz Vassie played, Liz Vassie's having Liz Vassie. How, how, hope for you this was gonna go. Oh, I was, I put my eggs in that basket. Oh, yeah, yeah, I think I bought a brand new car I before it, like yeah. Oh, it was, oh, I was fucking pumped.

I was like, this is it. X-Shortman canceled. This is a way, Bert works out, Bert's lucky. Bert got, had the deal, it, overbroke it ran out, got a deal with CBS, got a TV show, the TV show gets canceled, that's okay, we're doing a pilot. All right, awesome. Oh, this will go, this will go.

This is my next, I'll be a millionaire in a week. And we do the shooting and then one scene just doesn't work, right? So we're doing pickups. So they've let the, the audience go, we're doing pickups. Elliott Gould is, is standing next to me go we're doing pickups Elliott Gould is Is standing next to me. I'm standing next to Ellie Gould David J is on the chair and Liz Vassie is wife walks in and goes I'm sitting on the chair with Ellie with David me and David are David J is sitting on the chair. Ellie Gould standing right behind me Liz Vassie walks in and her line is

We're drinking beers, we're drinking beers. She goes, oh, you got drinking beers? Like a throwoff, like you guys drink beers? And we're like, oh, she's like, can I have one? And my line is, sure, that's my line, sure. And I'm supposed to say it, but it's not registering that I like her. I'm like, sure, you know, whatever, I'm doing it right. And so they're like, let's try it another way. He's like, sure, sis.

And sure, come on. Yeah. And we do it like nine different ways. It's like one o'clock in the morning. And we're still trying to pick up this scene. And we've done like nine times and Ellie cool leans over. He's putting the mind to his plan of blind guys.

He's got a cane and sunglasses on. And he just leans into me and he goes, why don't you try to improv one? And I said really and he goes, yeah, it's nothing's working. Just what would you say? So she walks in she goes, you guys are from beers? Can I have one? And I go is it ducks ass watertight? Take a beer and every gets a big laugh in the room and The guy that works on the show comes up to me smiling and he goes, hey, okay. All Let's do we're gonna go back to the original one. We're gonna go back to the original one I want you to try it again

It's sure and they get real close to me goes you're fucking me in the ass right now You are fucking me in the fucking earth and he gets up and he walks away and it's cool Still as it came sunglasses on leans back down he goes sorry That's brutal dude dude. Dude, I'm so glad that that's not my life. Like the way the business was back then, the way the business was back then, I'm so glad that I didn't get caught into that and then, because you wish for it. Think about it, if your career right now

was your career, but it's from acting, it's still this, it feels like such an unpredictably unstable thing. Oh my god. I'm so glad that I'm so glad that that's not my life. like if your career right now was your career, but it's from acting, it's still this, like it feels like such an unpredictably unstable thing. Oh my God. As opposed to stand up, it's not a stand up, it's like certain and forever. Like we realize you get, you know,

there's popularity that comes and then it fades. It's just the way it works. But like with acting, it's like, I feel like you have more control as a stand up. Oh, I feel like I have much more control over my life. And for me, it's like, I feel like you have more control as a standup. Oh, I feel like I have much more control over my life. And for me, it's about control. I remember going into auditions, going, I need this. And you're never going to get anything you need.

And instead of going, instead of like where I am today, where I go, I'm not certain I want to do this. And when you're not certain you want to do it, that's when they want you to do it. And then if they can convince you that you want to do it, then it's a fun time. Like that's where I'm at right now where I go, I you want to do it, that's when they want you to do it. And then when, and then if they can convince you that you want to do it, then it's a fun time. Like that's where I'm at right now where I go, I just want to do stand up. That's all I really, I want to stand up in this podcast.

And my podcast, and that's it. Berkast, two bearers, and this, and I'm fucking good. And if I come up with an idea, like that I want to do, that I get excited about, and then I take it to people, and if they don't want to do it, then I'll just make it on my own. And then if a project comes our way, like the things we're working on, then you get excited about, and then I take it to people, and if they don't wanna do it, then I'll just make it on my own. Yeah. And then if a project comes our way,

like the things we're working on, then you get excited and you go, that's gonna be fun as fuck. And then you, like the machine, I'm like put me in, Serbia for three months, I can't fucking wait. I did a commercial one time, where the guy goes, all right,

this guy's gonna come in, I want you to like look at him, and then kinda like react, and then go back to like eating cereal or something. And I was like, okay. And then he goes, I did one and he was like, great. Now let's just, let's do it like three more times and just give us like different, just give us different

reactions. Yeah. And I go, okay. So he's like action, he's like cut, action cut. And then on the last one he goes, great. You did it the same every time moving on and I was like See that's what I'm glad I'm glad those guys don't work anymore fuck yeah, like I'm sure they are I'm sure there are people like that. I'm sure if we called kale will be like oh no this guy's that guy I think that you can stay away from those people you know the auditions we used to do for commercials

They don't audition one time. Where the guy running it, he's just a fucking press record guy at the audition. He's like, all right, here's the instructions. And it's like a, you know, whatever. It's me and another actor, and then he's behind the camera, adding lines. And we do it.

And then he's like, let's do it again, but it, uh, and then I do an improv line at the end. Like I forget what it was, I improvise a line. And like the other actor laughs, he laughs, and he was actually funny. And then he hits record, he goes, you're being rude, okay? You're being rude right now. And I was like, what? Oh, he's like, you're being rude. You stick to the script, this is not you for you to to write. And I was like, what? Oh. And he's like, you're being rude. You stick to the script. This is not you for you to write.

And I was like, okay. And all I knew, I was like, I just made this fucking dull thing funny, which, I mean, I get this part, but then you guys are just gonna use my line to shoot the fucking thing anyway. I went in for a improvved political comedy there's an improv political comedy where it was we were following the Senator on our on his thing and I was I had to be his

the the role description was like greasy CD can't trust Greasy, CD, Cant Trust, tour manager of like, or like, you know, his sidehand. Yeah. There was no lines for it. I was just supposed to improv it. And I decided to play the guy racist. Like, I thought that would be funny, right?

And I go, and I, it's crazy because it's like, this is like the short site, side of this of like, of how Hollywood can work. Is that, had anyone seen it that worked with the network they might have liked it? Or if you would put this on the TV, you might have liked it, but I was, I played it so good.

So good, like the thing, the guys here, I threw off the actors and I threw off all the, cause I was like, I go, look at the guy and he's like, he's like, thank you, thank you, thank you. And I go, look at the Mexicans. And he's like, what? And I was like, I was like, there's like, seriously? And I just started riffing and I was like Mexicans, black people that gaze.

And I just, and all the actors like froze and they were like, the fuck are you doing? And I was like, improv, I'm improv. Yeah, where the fuck are you guys? Yeah. And I was like, the fuck are you doing? And I was like, improv. I'm improv, yeah, where the fuck are you guys? And I was like, I don't know how to do CD when we're talking about an audience. They're like, I really wanna get some money from these guys. Like, and I was like, what the fuck are you doing? And then I remember the casting director,

my buddy had had sex with her. And she was like, and I got done, and I got done a scene and I looked at her and and she was like and I got done and I got done a scene and I looked at her and she was like this Oh, so I'm gonna tell you her name Tell your name because this is why it didn't go so well Do I know her nope, but that's her name, okay. Oh, yeah, I Could see that. Yeah. And I was like, and I didn't get a call back. I didn't get a call back at all. And I was like, I killed that.

I killed the audition. And I improv go with everyone, but when I do my improv, they're like, you didn't get the part. And you're like, yeah, there's much of Mexico's blacks and two of cases there. Of course I did. And it runs Hollywood.

What are we gonna do? Yeah. It's so crazy, because I don't like mean people to work with mean people. And then you think how women must have had it when dudes were just straight straight up trying to fuck them and yeah, just actually rassing. I mean, you're like, oh, I never had to worry about that Yeah, like I just had to worry about dudes being dicks. Yeah, yeah, yeah, um, I gotta piss. Okay, go piss. Okay And we're back and we're back. You're having another breakfast breito. I just saw myself skinny and I don't think I like it That's my new way of those plans. I just saw myself skinny and I don't think I like it. That's my new weight loss plan.

I just don't, I decide not to like what I look like skinny. Maybe I just haven't seen it so much, it looks weird. It's like when you shave yourself, would you shave or beard off? That, that did look weird. That April thing, it kinda hurt my feelings. How, how, how little did you weigh then? I don't know, like two, 20?

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Two 20? I don't remember, I'm 250 right now. Two 54. Nope, I'm not, I bet I'm not. I will be after I drink all this motherfucker water. I'm drinking a gallon a day.

It's a tour bus challenge. Is it tour bus challenge? Yeah, so the deal is, if I don't drink a gallon a day. It's a tour bus challenge. It's a tour bus challenge? Yeah, so the deal is if I don't drink a gallon a day, I give everyone the tour bus 50 bucks. Okay. By the way, but they all have to drink a gallon a day. Also, so if they all drink a gallon and I don't drink a gallon, then everyone gets 50 bucks. But if I don't drink a gallon and say John Mann's doesn't drink a gallon, then knowing it's a 50 bucks. So then they got to inspire each other to drink a gallon. Yeah. And hope that I forget. You know they got to inspire each other to drink a gallon. Yeah. And hope that I forget.

You don't have to crush it this early and this. You know what I mean, you can take, you can take the day to drink it. Oh, we drink it to the water? Yeah. No, no, I like to do it once. I like to do all the water it wants, get it over with, and then get, I don't have to worry about it.

Because what will happen is, but if you do it, how far't know how to worry about it. Because what will happen is, if you do it, how far along are you right now? 33, 16, I'm about 50, what's 33, plus 17? 16. Now 17 is at 16.9. Okay.

Is zero, I'm 50, counts is into my day. And you need about 160 right for a gallon? No, no one what gallons 120 120. Yeah, it is it is or 128 It is eight eight 16 ounce. Yeah, that's right 128 I just realized something. I just figured out something. What? I don't like drinking these fucking these things. I like drinking like we're desks.

Yeah, better. I drink like we're desks and they're and I can drink them better and I don't have gas. So much air goes into my body from this that I I have pain here, every fucking night I have pain here. So I've been drinking these waters and it's because of these goddamn bottles. They're not fucking, I'm done man. When are we getting in your new studio so we got our fucking liquid deaths? I think we'll be in there, maybe.

We might be able to do one when you, November? Yeah, maybe, maybe. The space will be ready. It matters if the tech is already by then. Okay. Yeah, so I like to do this because if you don't if you don't drink them all in the morning or in the front party or day and you're drinking them in between shows, you've got to piss in the middle of the show. Yeah. I don't want to fucking piss in the middle of the show. Yeah. What

did I just tell the story about you? I was looking at what he drinks about the water. I like ending it with water. you. I was like, you know, you drink the bottle of water. I like ending it with water. Yeah, I see that. Do you sip it? I'll throw out your show. No. You just kill it all at once. Usually, I mean, every once in a while,

I'm like, I actually need a sip of water. How much would I have to pay to put a liquid death in that hand? Didn't pay anything. Yeah, sorry. I'm gonna get liquid death start sending you those. Okay. I was my favorite water.

They're great. And it does taste better out of that, like, can't. It tastes so much fucking better. I agree. I agree. I tell you what, those guys slipped into my life on accident. Really? Yeah, you know, Colleen's son.

You thought you were buying beer? I thought it was that for all first. Yeah. Colleen's son worked with them. Colleen from the Omaha funny bone. Yeah. And he was like, hey, you're in San Francisco, let me just drop off some liquid death. And we're like, we didn't know what it was.

And so we, a cracked one or the white one, and it was water, and it was like, the biggest left out in the world, thinking I was putting a beer in my mouth. Yeah. I think I might have poured it out. I was like, that's, don't ever do that to me again. I've been, Dave was like, no, the black ones are, are soda. And I was like, oh, we're using potatoes and soda. And so we're using liquid desks for titos and soda.

And then I started going like, I kind of liked having them around, you know? I liked, and I love was the one that was like, yo, what is that? And I was like, it's water, she goes, can I have one? And I was like, why? Yeah, of course, why wouldn't you be able to, she goes, because it looks like a beer,

people might think I'm drinking a beer. And I was like, you can have one. And she would walk around, people think I'm drinking a beer. And I was like, you can have one, and you see what'd walk around with it in your hand, like cool. And I was like, nice. And then one day, liquid death hit me up, and they're like, hey, man, can we drop off like some cases of water to your house?

And I was like, I think it was during the pandemic. And I was like, of course. And they dropped off like 10 cases of water. And I drank a gallon of water that day. That night. I took my blood pressure and it was fucking super low And I googled it and look did I view Google this you'll see it dehydration Make sure body believe it is in hypertension and so that is the number one cause of like people that have a high blood pressure Let me not the number one cause a lot of it's lifestyle and all that, but dehydration is a big deal. So if you drink water,

fucking your blood pressure gets normal. And so that's why we're drinking a gallon and that. What do you, what do you, when you're, response to when you're dehydrated, your kidneys absorb water is there a pass, high concentration of five percent can also club bustles, we can distract.

What, by the way, can you read it? I can't fucking read these words. Yeah. In response, when you're dehydrated, your kidneys reabsorb water as opposed to passing it in urine. High concentrations of vasopressin can also cause your blood vessels to constrict. This can lead to an increase in blood pressure.

Right. Okay. That's it. I don't know if that's how you say that. But anyway, all right Anyway, what what how long you been doing this? well Like oh two weeks Two weeks you're doing a gallon a day. So I'm losing weight because I'm drinking a gallon a day

Sure, I'm losing weight and I'm feeling I'm feeling better But except except sometimes be a lot of sugar. You're like ring is jammed on your finger and you're like, it's like God's going, you're not going anywhere. Yeah. This thing's staying on. Yeah. And you lose weight and the God's like, take it off. Take it off, man. Have a good time. So, wait, but you've been doing this for how long now? Oh, two weeks a week. You are drinking a gallon. I would drink a gallon a day. You've always been doing it for a long time. But I've been like actually making keeping track of it. I keep track of it because of money. I only do things that I can gamble on them. Like I don't find a lot of pleasure.

Here's what's interesting about me, Tom. I don't draw pleasure from gambling. Okay. Like when I go to the casinos, I don't draw pleasure from like, it's like say you do a Mohican son, or was that what was the one we just did? There's Mohican son as one.

Which one we just did though. We just both did the same. Oh, um, we're gotta. We're gotta, and you're doing, and we've also, at this point, you've done also Hollywood, the, Hollywood hard rock. Hard rock. Yeah, hard rock I forgot it's got the fun. Oh

Nice with their upgrades really shit. Oh, I can't wait dumped a fucking fortune in there. So here's where I Here's where I'm I'm dead inside and I wonder where how you feel about this you do a show like that you get your paycheck and then you pull out say You do a show like that, you get your paycheck, and then you pull out, say, if you told me when I was younger, a thousand dollars to go gamble with, I'd be fucking heart-raising. But for some reason, I just don't feel it. So what I'll do is,

because I believe part of what they're paying you at these casinos is to make sure you're hanging out on the floor and getting people to gamble. So I'll go and I'll give the guys I work with, more than the pergada had the cast of the machine with me. And so I gave them each a hundred bucks. I started breaking off a hundred bucks everyone. And I was like gamble recklessly, like I have fun.

Like I really have fun. It's not your money. I don't want you to take, walk away with it. I want you to lose it. But like, but I believed in my head. I was like reckless betting is gonna be good betting. Yeah. And they lost it so quick.

So fast. They lost it so quick. So fast. They lost it so quick. The only person I've ever seen lose money faster was my mom. I went to gamble the first time I went to Vegas, my family. Yeah. We sat down for blackjack. Have I ever told you the story? I don't think so.

We sat down for blackjack. And I got out $600. And it was my mom, my sister, Leanne, my mom, both my sister is Leanne and me. And I gave everyone a hundred dollars, and my mom tore through that faster than anyone, and so did Annie and Coddy, and Leanne kind of was like, so I'm like, fuck, so I give whatever I left, have left, you know, I give to them,

and I still have my money on the table, and my mom gives it away again. Like right away. I mean, it's so quick, and I go, Jesus Christ, she goes, can you get more money? And I was like, yeah,. I mean, it's so quick and I go, Jesus Christ. She goes, can you get more money? And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's my go. But I'm broke at this time, right? I go and I get like $200 and I go, here you go, mom,

but mom, I don't pace yourself. Yeah, and so my mom puts down like $25 bet and loses it again. And I go, mom, are you even counting the cards that she goes, wait, are we playing him? and loses it again and it's I'm like a mom are you even counting the cards that you go wait Are we playing him? I was like who have you been playing? So I'm playing all you guys and I went Do you know how this game works?

Do you know how this works and she goes yeah, I thought oh my god I'm so sorry. We're just playing this guy and I was like my sister to go wait Who are we playing and I go you, you guys, none of you guys knew we were playing the one guy? And they're like, we've all been playing as each other. And they were like, we were wondering why we were losing. We didn't want to speak up, but we thought one of us should win. And I was like, oh my god.

I was like, I'm never gambling with you guys again. By the way, in that same day, I have so many good gambling stories. In that same day, in that same day, I'm gonna say the guy's real name, okay? In that same day, my dad convinces me to shave my beard. And we go to this beard place and I go- As it convinced you. He goes, he's like, your beard looks like a mess. And he's like, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll give you a paper, your room

and everything for you and the girls. Just let's go in and get a nice clean shave. And I said, but I don't want to shave. He goes, shave it into a go to you for Christ's sake, but the beard is a mess. It was nice straight razor shave. And the guy fucking shaved my face. The worst I've ever had in my life, Tom. It happened to me at a casino too. It happened to me at a casino too.

You shaved a circle right here. A circle. Do you know what happened to me at XC now too. You see the circle right here. A circle. Do you know what happened to me? I was in some casino and it was with family, like parents, sister. And my beard was, and they have a barber shop. And I sit down and I go, I just want to trim it up. To me at the time, what I meant was, it's super bushy. Yeah. Like, trim it up, bring it down.

We gotta talk about beard grooming. This guy fucking, you know, he does. What? He, he gives me one of these so that the cheek is exposed. And then here, and then down here. And so all this is exposed. And then I look and I'm like,

I go, what did you do? And he goes, I gave you a trim. Yeah. And you got a nice beard. I go, this is the worst thing I've ever seen in my life. I looked like a period piece. Like I was, I looked like a gunslinger from Widerp.

Oh yeah. I just had a circle of hair on my face. I looked like I was gonna go 10 to my farm. Yeah, you could see my double chin under it. Like you could see my chin and then my double chin, and he gets done and I am horrified. All I wanna do is get rid of this. What your dad said.

And my dad's like, that looks really bad. That looks, I gotta call again. Leanne, I'm fucking, my memories are horrible. But it was so bad, Tom, we have an actual picture of it because we had to go to the aquarium. We had a time to go to the aquarium, and I was like, I need to go to my room and get rid of this. And my dad's like, buddy, you look fine.

And I was like, no, I don't die. It's a little bit ridiculous. Leanne's like, that's not a good look. So we're walking to the aquarium, and I'm fucking, I'm like, I'm like, literally hiding my face. I'm so embarrassed. And I see a guy the aquarium and I'm fucking, I'm like, I'm like, literally hiding my face. I'm so embarrassed. And I see a guy I haven't seen since college, Doug. And I'm like, oh my god. And I get excited because I recognize him. And he's by a roulette table. And he's like this. I go

dog. And he goes, Hey, Hey, huh? And I go dog. And he just turns on me. I go, Doug is birdie. He goes, Yeah, I know. I go, Doug. And he goes, I just lost a thousand dollars. I go, Doug and he just turns around and he goes, Doug is Bernie, he goes, yeah, I know. I go, Doug and he goes, I just lost $1,000. I go, hey, and then he goes, what happened to your face? And I just go, oh, he just walked into the fucking aquarium. We have a picture of us at that aquarium. And I, I have a circle on my face. Yeah. And then I shaved this area and trimmed this.

And it looked, and then I had that like, that like that like I self-snake oil look you know like I got a wrong guy and then I just let it start growing out from there I was like I this is the worst wait another gambling story okay I was just telling this to someone the other day and I and I I might need actual verification. I might have to call Pete. I can help you with my buddy Pete.

Yeah, that's not a word. So, so we go to Cowhead's cruise, right? Who's buddy Pete? Pete. He lost his virginity to the song Monster Mash. Okay, what does Pete do? He sells cars. He lost his virginity to the song Monster Mash. Okay. What does Pete do? He sells cars.

He gets cars for like hockey players. He finds you hard to get cars and then he sells them to people. Okay. He's a guy, I remember a long time ago I did a video in front of a Porsche over sober October. Yeah, and you were in Florida? Yeah, that's his place. Okay.

Yeah, have you not hooked me up with Pete yet? I don't know. He's the best. We was looking for he was looking for an old car for me, but I need I need his He may need to hear the story to keep me on track You know, I like to on a story like this. It's important because it was really bad. So we're playing craps and I'm on a tear All right, peace. I answer right. He'll call me back. I'm on a tear.

We're on cow heads cruise. So it's Pete, me, cow head. I want to say Bobby Kelly, but I don't think it was. But we're on a tear. We're doing it. Everyone's around because it's cow heads cruise. Everyone's around, and I'm Roland Dice. And I am, I'm talking 15, 20 minutes, I'm hitting numbers

and the whole table's winning and we are stacking cash. Just literally lining it up to the next row, lining it up and we are fucking on a tear. And I'm talking shit, I'm drunk, I'm fucking loud as fuck. I go to, I go to grab the dice and as I go to roll, the stick guy hits my hand as I go to roll and the dice fall out and it's a seven. And everyone's like, what the fuck? And immediately people start grabbing their cash.

No, no, no, no, can't do that, can't do that. Sorry. Um, and he's like, no, no, no, seven, no bad roll, bad roll, everybody out, craps out and they start pulling cash and Pete loses his fucking mind He goes you fucking you jinxed him you hit him with the fucking stick You're not allowed to touch someone's stick and he goes I didn't hit him with the stick I did not hit them with the stick and we're like bullshit fucking bullshit and cow is there and we're like fuck We need a manager. We need a manager right now. So they come over this guy gets up walks away walks in the back

Right manager comes up and we're like So they come over this guy gets up walks away walks in the back, right manager comes up and we're like Pete's like he was rollin Pete from Chicago. So he's like, yeah, he was Rowling and he took the fucking stick And as he rolls it he smacked him in the lady goes there's no way that happened He goes that fucking happened. She goes. There's no way that happened and he goes no He was on a burner and he fucking went and he hit him with the stick and that guy Fuck him. I want him fired. I want him fucking dead. I want him to come out and I want him to apologize to my fucking face Because I lost money and he better apologize him and this and she's like that didn't happen That didn't happen and Pete goes you got fucking cameras go watch the fucking cameras

So they go and watch cameras and she comes back and she goes we watch cameras that didn't happen and he goes you're fucking lying Now you have to apologize And and and and and we're like and by the way, there's like 20 people. There's a lot of people that you have to, everyone wants their money back. And he's like, you're fucking lying. You don't have the video. You're fucking, everyone saw him hit him with a stick.

Now you got to apologize. And the woman's like, I'm not apologizing. And he's like, I want a fucking manager. And then he's like, this cruise is my buddy cow heads and cow heads Stand in there and cow heads like cow heads like yeah, this is really fucked up. He hit him with the stick So they said they go we're not gonna apologize so the guy hit me so the stick he goes over and starts Dealing at 21 and Pete goes over the table and goes everybody up everybody up money up this guy's bad luck He he he's bad luck. He's gonna fucking he's got the jinx

You're gonna lose all your fucking money and everyone just lifts their money up, right? So they move in another table peak goes over Hey, everybody up. This guy's bad luck. Jing, Jing, Jing, Jing, Jing. So everyone's so they come over to beat their like hey, you can't do that. He goes oh my dude all fucking that long I'm not gonna gamble. I'm gonna chase that guy around until you he apologize You apologize then a dude comes out dude goes um We then a dude comes out, dude goes, we couldn't access the video when you asked us to

and she did not watch the video. Pete, so you liked me. She goes, so I was just simply saying, you're just, no, no, no. It starts with, I'm sorry. And then tell me you lied to me. She goes, and he goes, oh, and he just walks away and so the man's just coming back over to beat and goes,

we've watched the video, he hit him with a stick and he goes, there's only one thing happened. Me and him, they're coming over and they're gonna apologize. And they're gonna say they're sorry and they're gonna admit what they did wrong. And so the fucking lady comes over and she goes, sorry, I'm sorry. I lied. I did not watch the video. I lied to you and he's like you're forgiven They bring the guy over and the guy goes I'm sorry and he goes I don't accept it And the guy goes the guys like the guys like oh, I don't care and then he goes no

No, that's not how a apology works you say you're sorry and I gotta feel it That's how it works and I'm like I'm with Pete We're both of us are losing our fucking minds He I go and but by the way Pete is a guy who brokers car deals right so he knows how to fucking negotiate He's an animal. He's an animal and so he's like he goes say it again And the guy says it again he goes nope still not taking it one more time and he got the guy to finally be like I am so fucking sorry. I am fucking sorry in the contract grew up in to have a stick We hit a hand I tied the jinx him he was on a burner and he admitted everything him and everything and Pete's like all right

Now we can go back to gambling holy shit, dude. Yeah, I was p to bin here to fucking he I'm sure of Pete's recollections a little more tender But man, I remember him going he so so you lied to me now you got all projects still And they ended up watching the video they ended up watching the video and the guy the big manager came out and he goes I have watched the video. He did hit his hand with the stick. It was the fucking worst. Jesus Christ. I did That means it's not. What does that mean? You're eating vegetables? Yeah, vegetarian. Well mine is way less dramatic, but way more embarrassing.

Wait, wait, why has been a bit of you so much better? Let me hear it. So I had heard about like people just making crazy money playing Crap's. And I was like, how do the fuck, I was like, what's the game? Cause the only game I had really played was Blackjack, which, you know, I'm like, okay.

So I go one time and I have an agent who loves Crap's at the time and I'm in Vegas. And he's like, oh yeah, I play Crap's. Now, you know, he's like, and he's telling me, and I'm like, I don't understand anything that just happened right now. The betting on the high load, me get a yoga, and then like,

all this pull down, hook it on the three two, and I'm like, what? And then like, someone throws, and then they're like, here you go, here's cash. I go, I have no idea why you want. I don't get any of this at all. So, I'm kind of like bummed out that I don't understand the game.

I'm like, I don't understand this game. I don't understand why people are making money with how the betting works. And they're betting within bets and like, all this is crazy shit. So like, I don't know, maybe six months later, I'm a Montreal for the, just for last festival, right, the big comedy festival.

And everyone, you know, like everybody who in comedy ends up at these things. All the comedians, all the agents, and there's some casino there. And I had to- Do you know strippers are gonna give you hand jobs? Really? Keep going. I think it's like your Dix too. Keep going.

They keep on doing that anywhere. Oh yeah, keep going. Right, if they want to. They offered me and Steve Burr and blow jobs and hand jobs. We're like, where was this fucking three years ago? Yeah, we're married. Don't let me just left. After our blow jobs, keep going.

We went to this casino and I'm like, yeah, I don't really know how this game works and Dave Becky, who's like a big manager in comedy, is like, he's like, oh, he's like, can we show you? And I'm like, yeah, I'm about on her saying he's like here. Put, and you can. Let me make sure Dave Becky, I don't know who that, I know his name, but I don't know what he looks like.

So he gives me like some, he gives me some of his chips. Yeah. And I had done a set, so I'm like, he looks just like Louis CK. Oh, that's Louis, that's Louis. So he gives me like some of his chips, that's Louis, that's Louis. So, he gives me some of his chips and I'd had a good set. So, it was like, yeah, man, that was good set.

I'll talk to whatever executive for you about something and you're feeling kind of good, like you're doing well in this insane business that we're in. And he's like here, give me some chips. And he's like, here, give me some chips. And he's like, now what you wanna do is, and he's like explaining me the game. But these here, and he goes, and then he, I forget the terms, but he's like,

and he also wants a high low on a Yokem 354. And I'm like, yeah. Crap, scrap, scrap. Yeah, I'm like, yeah. And then somebody rolls and- Give me $2, yo. Yep. And I'm like, don't know what that means.

Still don't understand what's happening. And then they go, you roll. And I'm like, me? I'm like, I don't even know. I don't understand what's happening. Yeah. And he's like, you're good, you're fine. You have this bet and this.

Go ahead. And I go, okay. And so everyone's standing around. And I'm leaving out the fact that the table is active and like, and people are making money. So people are like, there's a vibe at the table. And Dave is like one of those people that attracts, he's like a human magnet in a way.

Like people just start coming around. They're like, oh Dave's here. So like other comics, huge money, he manages Kevin Hart and the Bill Byrd, all you, like big names. So these other He manages Kevin Hart and I go to the bill bird, all you, like big names. So these other people come around and they're like, oh, what's up there? And he's cool.

He's like, he does naturally cool. He's smoke weed. I don't know. Probably has. So everyone's gathered around and they, they go, they go, they go, just roll the dice. And I go, okay. And I throw them off the table.

And I go, I'm sorry, everyone goes, you shouldn't have done that. And you just put the dip on it. Not only that, they can't find the dice that I threw. So then I go, should I go get, they go, just fucking stay here. And they start looking around and they're like, where did you throw them? I go, I just, I thought I was throwing them to the end of the table and I threw them off a, off the second floor. Where, how did you do that? I just went like that and, and they went off the second floor down to the first floor

of the casino. And they were like, so they had to put the game on pause, then you have people going like, hey, man, and they're like, who is this asshole? People are like asking who I am. Yeah. That, I just realized Pete doesn't notice is my new phone. I'm gonna text him. Oh, text him, text him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wanna know how wildly different his- No, he knows. Hey, it's Bert, FaceTime me. I'm on two bears, one K, I'm talking about you. Sorry, he's gonna. Zen Motorsports as a name of his company. If you're into cool cars, he can hook you up. Send motor sports. He does a bunch of shit and he does wraps and stuff.

I don't know, I don't know how to get my car wrapped. Do it. A wrap is pretty cool, right? Yeah, you can do it. Can I get a candy coated wrap? You can. Hey, can you pull up candy coat wrap? I can't decode rap.

Mm-hmm. Okay, connecting, connecting, connecting, connecting, connecting. Come on, Pete, maybe I'll just try calling him. Yeah, COVID. Early on. Hey, what's up, it's Bert. Here's voice. Yeah, okay, this is the best. My, you, you, you must be your Wi-Fi because I'm on Wi-Fi and I was getting you, but I couldn't get you. Okay. Um, so I'm telling Segura the story.

How you doing? How you doing, Pete? Hey, you know, you know, Tom's girl, right? Good man. So by the way, the accent, dumb, I'm doing the accent accurate. You're doing pretty good, Jeff. Yeah. So Pete, I'm telling him the story of when we were playing crafts. You got the video? I got the video. Oh, that's right. Oh, that's right. Oh, my God. I believe you guys are the best part of the story. That is the best part of the story.

What's the point of the video? Wait. Video taped them watching the footage, right, Pete? Yeah. I videotaped them to ask how long we could't video. Yeah, and then we were video it and then he's like, I'm video the whole thing and then we videotaped. Oh my God, Pete, I've got to get that to Tom. So I how accurate am I in saying that I we were on a

burner and I went to roll the dice and he hit my hand with the stick And then and then they denied it you remember we made him a college we made we they denied that it happened They said they watched a video and it didn't happen and you go, you're lying. You didn't watch the video because we all knew it happened and you made her apologize and you made the guy apologize. Do you remember going table to table when he would sit down? Do you remember that? Oh yeah, we said no, he said either you, he leaves or we leave.

Yeah. They made him leave. There's way too much money on the table. He leaves or we me yeah Yeah, they made only We were we fucked that guy and then we made him apologize and he was not from a country where man apologized He did apologize. He totally apologized right? I Look at righty dead what about the female manager female manager apologized to p2 because She goes sir we watched a video and he didn't hit him with the stick and Pete's eyes up. He goes you're lying now. You got to apologize to Dude you gotta hang out with Pete next time you're in Tampa, okay, Pete is the funnest

Oh, I was just telling him You hit you with the stick and you go, what are you doing? You're hitting me. Yeah, and then and I crapped out on that roll and he you got to get that video 16 straight rolls We were on a burner and we were all making money God damn it. That was so much fucking fun And then we were talking in a hat so that their camera's getting see us talking to each other And then we were talking in a hat so that their camera's getting see us talking to each other Man if there's an apocalypse Pete I want to be with you

He got any hot cars for Tom you got any hot cars for Tom. You got any hot cars for Tom? Yeah, we got the new escalade. We got the new Lamborghini here. We got, let's see, hold on, look at how it gets. We got a couple of rain govers. We got, yeah. All right, I'm going to set you in, I'm going to set you in Tom up. Hey, I'm in Tampa tomorrow. Tonight, I get to Tampa tonight. Yeah, that's it. I want to come see you Thursday. Okay, all right. Yeah, I'll see you in Thursday while hang out. Okay, I'm gonna text you in the video right now. You guys shall come to the video.

Yeah, I'll text you in the video. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Please do, thanks Pete. All right, bye. Okay. Did I not? That's the one I got to say. This might be your most verified story ever.

Yeah. Yeah. Look, I have a tendency. When I tell a story, we've talked about this. When I tell a story, I want you to feel what I felt. And what I feel sometimes is bigger than what happened. Right. Because I'm a very sensitive person.

And with this story, I've totally forgot about this story. I did not let down because Pete was so so fucking he's that fucking stocky Chicago. No, no, and it was and it would dude I see when he gets it's got out of this video comes in But yeah, that was the fucking yeah, I love having people like that on on your in your corner Yeah, he's yeah, he could tell he's a great guy So a few episodes ago, we brought some of your crew in here that's on tour with you. They were fucking backstabbers.

Let me tell you something. Do you know what it is? You ever get your mom on stage, your dad on stage, and then they say something like crazy, and you're like, I remember, I remember, when I worked at travel channel, they were like, hey man, you gotta be very careful with what you say on stage. And I was like, oh, okay.

And I was like, you're really, really careful. And then I brought someone from Travel Channel on stage and they're like, they're like, fucking Mexicans. And I'm like, what the fuck you? And then he's like, I just got nervous. I didn't know what to do. I think those motherfuckers that are in the other room right now,

just were like getting on the mic and they got the hot flashes. I don't, I don't put on a show. That fucking language put on a show has, I've never put on a show. However, however, I have reassessed some of my behaviors. Okay. For instance, party showers aren't a thing anymore.

Okay. It's like, you remember party showers? Party showers, if someone's showering, you can get in there quickly also. Yeah, and then you say party shower. Party showering, they can't deny it. And then they just gonna shower with you They got shower with you, so we don't do party showers anymore

I put party shower on fucking line so I've already Me-tued myself and then and And I and I there was and that's all really because everything else I like like if I get naked I get naked in the back of the bus But I'm not gonna close the fucking door to get naked I don't get naked in front of my get naked in the back of the bus, but I'm not gonna close the fucking door to get naked. I don't get naked in front of them, I get naked in the bathroom to take a shower. I should always shower in the bus.

Right. So I don't shower in the venue. So what, as in it's, you said you evolved, that you told someone, I was in the hotel room and Peter came in to wake me up and get packed around with him. By the way, Peter is fucking invaluable. He's the fucking greatest.

Don't let him know, I guess I'm telling him now. But like, he fucking comes in, brings, remember, by the way, Peter is fucking invaluable. He's the fucking greatest. I don't let him know, I guess I'm telling him now. But like, he fucking comes in, brings me breakfast, brings me a coffee, starts packing up all the dildos and all the fucking butt plugs. I mean, what kind of a fucking home room leader do you have there? He's packing up sex toys for you in a non-descript bag. Yeah.

And I'm, I sleep naked. I always sleep naked, I'm a fucking man. And so yeah, yeah, I sleep naked and I don't wear underwear. And you always sleep naked? Oh, I see. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If I'm on the road, I, no, I take that back on the tour bus. I sleep in sweatpants.

I don't, I'm usually drunk. So I just pass out. But if I'm in a hotel room, it's naked. I'm at home and naked naked. Naked. Yeah. And so, especially now the girls are older. You know, because when they were younger,

there was a chance they'd get in bed with you. They don't come into your room at all anymore. Oh, right, right. And so I'm back to sleeping naked. So I'm sleeping naked. Peter wakes me up and I go to take a shower and it's just an open, aired room. And he's doing work and I was like, I learned of them.

I said, Peter, how correct is this story? I said, Peter, I am naked. I'm going to take a shower. I'm giving I learned of them. I said Peter how correct is this story I said Peter I am naked I'm going to take a shower I'm giving you a heads up. He said thank you and then by the way I think it's fucking generational. I just I mean so it would happen then you and then I kind of shot the door because I couldn't shut it all the way and I could you shut it all the way his heaviest fuck and my hands were wet and slippery and whatever. And so, so I took a shower and, here's a video. Okay, hold on, hang on. So, is there any way you can send this to Nadav real quick? Yeah. Can we do that? It's gonna be better than this, you know? Nadav texted to you? Yep, let me, let me, let me people, you know. My lasting point about bus nudity.

Yeah. Is it, I do believe it is generational. Yes, you, you mentioned this. Yeah. You feel like all kind of nudity, right? Like male nudity is? Male nudity because I feel like the way I was brought up, you were not supposed to be you being naked in front

of another guy was not a thing. Right. Now I guess it is, maybe this, because of homosexuality wasn't like popular. Mm-hmm. And accepted. Accepted. And so then they were like,

if you make it a thing, then you're different. Right. And so no one wanted to be different so everyone was just cool that maybe there was a lot of people that were ashamed of their bodies that didn't want to be naked in front of people. that maybe there was a lot of people that were ashamed of their bodies that Didn't want to be naked in front of people and you were totally cool with it always no I don't think any boy ever was cool that at the beginning But then you just as you become you get older very very very comfortable with being naked in front of anybody

I don't care like I don't have a problem being naked at all. Yeah I'm not I'm kind of jealous of that really yeah, you're your body acceptance. Yeah, I actually like It's funny. I see pictures of my body and I'm like gross But at time but when I see my body in the mirror in the morning, I get really excited. I go. Oh, you look good, man It's crazy and they're crazy. That's crazy every time I wake up. I go you look good, man I don't know what you're talking about really yeah, you so do you have a very positive self image then? I do. Throughout the day I start to fall apart. When I start doing actions like eating three breakfast burritos in the morning, four technically in the morning, I start going, what are you doing? And then

I actually feel fat. I feel it. Right. And so, um, but yeah, and in the mornings, I always look at myself sideways to see how about my belly is. And every morning, it looks good. I think it's kind of a laying sideways or all my back. And so it's just been pushing down. And I also, I realized at the same way we were talking about thinking about how many people are talking about you. Yeah.

I think that's the same thing with Dix. Like, if you get naked, if you're the first guy naked in like a locker room or if you get naked in a locker room, you, I think when you're young, you think everyone's looking at my dick. They're gonna see how small it is. But you don't realize there's no one's looking

at your dick because they're afraid you're looking at their dick. Right. So everyone's got their eyes up here and it's a respect thing. Yeah. And so when you get naked, I just assume people don't look at my dick

in that kind of situation. And then you realize there are guys who, whatever, being naked in front of people makes them very uncomfortable. Yeah. And so then your comfort with your own body makes them uncomfortable. My point is, we have no problems with nudity on the bus now. No party showers. No party showers. You're also closing doors. Not closing doors technically, we were broken. Okay. We broke the party showers. You're also closing doors. Not closing doors technically, that was their broken. Okay.

We broke the doors. But you're also, but you're saying I'm going to be naked. Yeah, I let people know I will be getting naked. Now, as opposed to like what I do is I, I just get off stage and go to the back, drop my pants, and they'd be getting on the bus. I just drop my pants, put on sweatpants. I wasn't gonna be like,

Hey guys, just so we know I'm getting naked right now, but now I do that because that's the fuck and where we live in.hmm. Yeah, and guys like John man's stab you in the fucking back Did he hear that He's asleep. Yeah He's your camera guy. Yeah, he's a camera. He's in a lot of the videos we shoot. How's the camera guy in the videos? It's curious, huh? He gives the camera to Peter and he goes, can you shoot this? I wanna do this activity too.

Hahaha. Hahaha. But he does a lot of really cool, especially shots, like when you're on stage, getting off stage, drone shots, jib shots, he does a lot of really cool shots. And then he also has the camera for most of the filming. There was that really cool camera he handed me yesterday, the little handheld. That was rad. The DJI.

I don't know what that is. Yeah, it's a fucking, they're bad ass men. He says around of Asia, I went to the store in Denmark. I think they're a Danish company. I don't think he knows what he's talking about. Do you should see the pictures? He goes rock climbing. You should see the pictures he takes when he goes rock climbing. Pull up John Mann's Instagram.

Could you? Yeah, what is that thing, man? Dude, those are fucking bad. It's the DJI pocket. I'm not gonna do one of those. I had one and I lost it. That's so cool. And then how do you get the footage from that?

Like, what do you do? Is that a card or? It's a card. Yeah, the little card that goes in there and you put it in your computer. That's fucking so. It shoots fucking amazing. Really?

He puts that on a fucking gym arm. When we were shoots fucking amazing. Really puts that on a fucking jib arm. When we were in Green Bay, he puts that on a 40 foot arm, controls it with his camera, and does a fucking jib shot revealing with a fucking stadium. I want one of these. Oh, do we, can we watch the footage? All right, now, let's set this up.

Let's set this up. Let's set this up. And let's also be aware, I do not know what I say in this. So we may have to, like we just, we may have to, we may have to cover our asses. We may have to, we may have to, by the way, blur this guy's face also. Do we, do we, do we may have to, is this gonna be like the improv

where you played racist? No, no, no. Okay. If anything, I'm gonna look like a cunt. I'm gonna look like a fucking baby. So, but you got to remember, a lot of people were on this day. I'm with you on this because I, if you're highly emotional, you actually set it up very well as to what happened and it sounds like it was verified, which is that you were playing Crap's and the dealer hit your hand with the, the cane with the stick and then, And then refuse to admit that he had my hand. And then another person came in light about it as well.

So this is you guys, after both of those incidents talking to somebody. This is, I think this is the first apology where I said where Pete wasn't accepting it. I think. And then they found that we were recording and it's the top top top. Actually, super excited to hear it to see this.

How long ago is this? It's gotta be, I can actually tell you the data But the dates on the on the on the footage right could be we're talking 10 years 2016 Okay, okay All right September You Depends on how serious

Okay, do you want me to have a yes? want me to run it now oh are you reporting it yeah yeah yeah yeah do it sideways do it sideways to it's HD and we can get a lot of screen yeah this is how we get it to his brother we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we we get it we get it we get it we get it we get it we we get it we get it we we get it we we get it we get it we we get it we we get it we we get it we we get it we we get it we we get it we we get it we we get it we we get it we we get it we we get it we we get it we we get it we we get it we we get it we we get it we we get it we we get it we we we we we get it we Yeah. Yeah, I'm just going to pull back, pull back and pull it wide. Oh, here we go. Oh, they're not there yet. OK. Back to the back. Back to the back. Back to the back.

Back to the back. Back to the back. And then to the back. Back to the back. Back to the back. Back to the back. Back to the back. Back to the back.

Back to the back. Back to the back. Back to the back. Back to the back. Back to the back. I don't want to stick. You're saying you should have stopped the role. You're saying you should have stopped the role. You it was genuine should have stopped the role. For a long time I have to stop. So you're saying you should stop the role. But that? You cannot quit that. I can. I actually, that's the world. It's not a journey.

No, it's not. Sorry, actually. You cannot quit. Are you, are you throwing me out? No. What are you throwing at? I don't want to be involved in this, but there is no recording. Are you telling me to leave?

Just a little bit. You're telling me to stop recording? Are you telling me to leave? I'm telling you to stop recording. You telling me to stop recording? I tell me to stop recording. Stop recording, please. Please or I have to stop recording. Please stop recording. Why are you looking for trouble? We're looking for trouble?

Why are you looking for trouble with me? I'm not looking for trouble. Here's an injustice. You know it. I don't want to be a fool in this. I just want to be a small recording. There's no recording in the casino. Is that it?

What? It's really good. I'm really into it. I was like, I was totally taken by the setup. Made this so fun. I was like, I'm so mad at that beautiful woman that said to stop recording. Yeah. What's interesting is so that I probably don't show

their faces when I get sued, but that is the woman who said that she did not, there was nothing that was wrong. This one that's in front of me. No, no, not the one in front. The one that's next to him right there. Yeah, that one. Said I watched it. He didn't touch your hand with the stick and Pete goes,

no, no, no, no, no, you're lying. Now you have to apologize also. And this is right here right here is when she she lied to us He goes I did nothing I kept saying I did nothing. I didn't even hit you with the stick because so you're saying you didn't hit with stick You're saying you didn't hit a most dick. He's and Peter's just he's just fucking hammering him and and then she said Nothing happened. We recorded all that and then Pete was like, and so they put him on another table. And that's when Pete went over to the table.

And he's like, no, everybody up, let's go. He's bad luck. No one wants to gamble with this guy. He's bad luck. And everyone just got up. And then he goes to another table. And we all move to that table. Pete goes, all right, everybody up, he's bad luck, too.

And then the big guy came out. And he was like, okay, everyone here's lying, they didn't watch the video, they didn't watch any fucking video. I can't believe they admitted that. I can't believe that guy admitted that. And that's actually the part of the story where I'm like really? Yeah, and then that woman came out and apologized

and that man came out and apologized. And that's, and by the way, that's always how we wanted. We didn't say we wanted our money back, we didn't say anything. We wanted him to admit that he had done wrong. Yeah, and say I'm sorry And then I mean ultimately I think at the beginning where like who told you was in in the here earpiece Did someone say hey man this guy's on a burn? Let's fucking shut him down and by the way What are the odds that he does hit my hand with my hand with a stick and I roll seven

I mean what's fucking crazy, right? And there's no way they thought that would have happened. And so it's outrageous. It's outrageous. And all we said, we don't want anything. We just want an apology. That's it. Apology and admit you were wrong. And no one would do it. And then the guy came out and he was like, they were all lying. He's being talked to. He will not be on the floor for the rest of this cruise. You will not see him again. And he's going to come out and apologize. And he came out and she came out too. Because I'm sorry, she ended up saying to Pete, I think I'm sorry that I misled you and said that I watched the video when I did not.

And then that guy came out and he was like, I'm sorry, that's great. Cause the guy came in. Can I tell you what this is like the best version of? What? Reality TV. This is like a great episode of Reality TV where there's like a storyline and they come back from the

break and you're like, is he gonna fucking apologize? Like it's one of those. Maybe I should get into more Karen like episodes. Yeah. Tell you about them and then have someone record them. It's pretty great. I wish you know what I had. Wish we had. What? The woman at Red Rocks. It told me I'm a nobody. That was a good one. Wait, she worked there. We were leaving Red Rocks at Jimmy Buffett and we had a wait you're leaving his show. You know Jimmy Buffett show and we were allowed to go backstage And so we had a and separate exit because I performed the night before I'm not trying to say that I pulled some sort of flex Yeah, I performed the night before so we had a different entrance and exit so we didn't have to go through the Main entrance and our sprinter van was there And I went and there was this lady, I have nothing against this lady.

And I told her I don't blame what she said, even though it was very mean. She said, we need to go down these stairs. She goes, you can't go down the stairs, just for artists. And I said, oh, I performed here last night, oh, that's our Sprinter van, they're all with me. And she's like, no, you didn't. And I said, no, I actually did perform here last night.

She goes, you're't, you're nobody, and you're never gonna perform here. So just keep walking. And my manager, Judy Brown, lost her fucking. She was there. What did you just say to my client? And she's like, keep going. And the woman was being mean.

And then I, Leanne lost it, Judy lost it, and then I stepped in. And I said, can we please, oh, Judy's like, I need to see a manager immediately. And then a manager showed up, and he was like, oh, what's up, hurt? And then the woman, a Judy's like, I need to see a manager immediately. And then a manager showed up and he was like, oh, what's up, hurt? And then the woman's like, you know him? He was like, he was here last night

and then the woman's like, oh my God. I really fuck this one up. I just told the guy that performed at Red Rocks. He said nothing, he said, nobody. And he'll never perform here. He's a liar. And he pulled her off to the side. Everyone was like, my friends were upset.

It was the way she handled it was so bad. And I'm paraphrasing because I don't want this woman to get more trouble. I'm lightening it. They all went down the thing and then the B-man, the fucking B-man went over to her and I said, it is not your responsibility to know. If I performed here last night, you were doing your job,

making sure no one got down there. And I don't hold that against you and she was still very mad at me because she got caught, you know? Yeah. And I said, just, I just want you to know that I don't, I don't hold you a blame for anything. I understand you're just doing your job. It's totally cool with me. And then she said something nasty again. She did? Yeah. Because she got caught being, it's hard to accept responsibility when you get caught. Yeah. She said something nasty. I mean, they brought the manager over and he was like, what's up, Bert?

Look on that woman's face just I think I already told you this one when I want to should pal security guys was like whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa Like I was going into the yeah, he's dressed me like you can't go in there, man. I was like I can't and he was like no And then someone right away was like, yeah, he can you fucking just on stage He's like oh, I'm up And he apologized like four times. Yeah. And I was like, it's okay. Yeah, you didn't know. You're doing your job. And you don't see me, it's okay.

And he's one of his personal security guards. So the next day, I see him, but he's like facing the other way. So I just go behind him and I shove him. Like I just get him a shove. He turns around like his eyes and he has like a hand back. He was like, God, he was was knocked you the fuck out right now We've we've we've marked Norman and I were in we're a Manchester Yeah, we could do the theater and we tell everyone to go to this bar and this is bar

Fucking slam-packed and the lines down the thing and we go up to the bar And there's this big black dude at the front like this kind of older too and we come in and we're like, hey man, can we get in? And he's like, not happening, bruv. And we're like, okay, we'll, we, and everyone's like, this is the guy and he's like, keep it, keep it moving, keep it moving. Sorry, bruv, keep going. And we're like, we're like, I'm, I'm supposed to be in there.

He's like, you're not supposed to be anywhere, not supposed to be anywhere. Keep it moving. Real dick. And I go, okay. I go, well, just do me a favor. Let the owner of this bar and all those people know that I'm going to a different bar. And he goes, no one cares with a fuck you're going. Keep moving. And I go, okay. And I said to the line, I go, you guys want to go somewhere else? And they're like, yeah, and I go, come on, let's go. And the whole line got out and started walking and I was like, where the fuck are they going? Where the fuck are you going?

And I go, you're not letting me in here? And he goes, who the fuck are you? And I go, I'm the comedian. And he goes, no, you're not? Come here, you're in some big fat guy. And I go, that's me. And he goes, oh, okay. All right, come on in.

And let me a Mark Norman in. And if you're like, what the fuck? You just weren't fat enough. I just wasn't fat enough and I was like and then I took my shirt off He's like okay, and he he kept apologizing all night all night. He kept coming up and goes. I'm so sorry I'm so sorry. I was like dude. You're doing your job. You're doing your job and you're doing it very well Yeah, don't I mean don't blame me for leaving not wanting to go to the bar that's not letting me in Yeah, yeah, that was a fucking, that when I said, I, I, I,

so I go, so I'm not getting in, I go, all right guys, wait, you guys, let's go. The whole line that was around the block that he was like so excited to protect. Yeah. The whole group of people he was gonna get to say no to, just got out of line, he's like, what the fuck are you guys going?

Um, I gotta go. Yeah, yeah, we gotta go. You gotta go. I gotta catch playing. Okay, I love you. Hey, I really love these Austin episodes. These are fun, man. These are really fun. Yeah, we're gonna keep it a gitmo, okay? I like missing you. Okay, I love you. I love you. Hey, I really love these Austin episodes. These are fun, man. These are really fun.

Yeah, we're gonna keep it a gitmo, okay? I like missing you. Yeah, I like missing you too. Okay. I love you. I love you, man. a chance and hell that they'll keep the clean. Here's what we call, two bears one cave. No scripts to bet a booze amateur for toology, dirty jokes,

ronti humor, no apologies. Here's what we call, two bears one cave.