2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 109 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: November 29, 2021

SPONSORS: - Head on over to https://Stance.com and pick out whatever styles you like. Enjoy the color and comfort of a life less ordinary… with Stance. - Go to https://ShipStation.com and use the code CAVE to get a 60 day free trial - To start comparing quotes and simplify insurance-buying, check out Policygenius: https://policygenius.com/2BEARS1CAVE. Thanks to Policygenius for sponsoring this video! - Get 15% off your first order, free shipping, and a 100% satisfaction guarantee, when you go to https://MeUndies.com/BEARS - Go to https://Amazon.com/CAVE to try Amazon Music Unlimited FREE for THREE months! - Go to https://SkylightFrame.com and enter code BEARS to get $10 off your purchase. It's time for 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer straight out of G-Bay studios! It was Bert's birthday so we reveal how Tom one-upped the last birthday gift given in the exchange: a chartered private jet. Bert starts getting anxiety about how he'll be able to top this gift and instead tries to pivot. The bears exchange some stories about jet ski accidents, a guy laughed at Bert when he said he felt skinny, and Bert has a great idea for experiencing history! They talk about how weird Hollywood casting decisions can get like with animated shows like Big Mouth, The Simpsons, Family Guy. Also, Bert decides that he's kept in a secret for long enough and he's tired of hiding it from the world. Bert Kreischer, the comedian you know and love, is coming out as fat and reveals hey burps and farts a hundred times a day and is constantly throwing up in his mouth. Is this normal? The bears then each describe their perfect day of eating while Bert begins to drool all over the table.

Hey, what's carbonara? Type in carbonara. It's got bacon, fat, egg yellows, egg yolk. Yeah, I'm doing a carbonara. Oh my god, my mouse warning on my dick's hard. All right, the holiday season is upon us and you are going to need to buy gifts for your friends and family members. And it can become stressful because you're sitting there going, what do I get someone? I got a friend that is in a Star Wars, I got another friend that's in a Wu Tang, I got another friend that's in Disney, a friend that's in the Barbie, Bob Marley,

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Wu Tang socks are my favorite socks that I got from Stan's I wear them all the fucking time They've got Wu Tang. They've got Pixar, they've got NBA, they've got Major League Baseball, they've got Disney, they've got Jill Perkins, they've got Star Wars, they've got Goonies, they're soft, they're comfortable. But what I love the most is the quality, the quality are, they're high-end socks, you're not putting bullshit on your feet.

Stan says a perfect gift for every punk or poet on your list, go see for yourself, it's easy. Just head over to Stan.com and pick out some styles you think they might like enjoy the color and comfort of a life less ordinary With stance. Okay. Okay. We can't talk about that on the air. We're doing the podcast. Oh I'm sorry. I didn't know you own air. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I love you. I Love you too. I'm sorry. Can I tell you what I said to my wife the other day Tom what you say I said to Liam yeah We have four extra seats on the plane that Tom chartered me for my birthday And I would love for you to fly to Minneapolis with me. I would love to put her on mute. I

Said I would love for her and her shoes hung up on me for her and her shoes hung up on me. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha commercial and I was like, well, have dinner in Minneapolis, you can watch my set, it'll be nice. Just take the day off. She wrote back, I really wish I could. I have a podcast. Ladies and gentlemen, you check out her podcast, it's more important than her husband, wifeofotp.com. And then Sandy's like, yeah, I wish I could, I have a dentist appointment.

I was like, wow, wow. A dentist appointment. Your call has been forwarded. Wow, you got, I think she's really pissed. So happy birthday. Thank you very much. I got you a pretty good gift.

It's, we've taken things to the next level. Yeah, it's gotten a little, like, I went in and someone's like, can you tell me what time got you a pretty good gift. It's, we've taken things to the next level. Yeah. It's gotten a little, like, I went in, someone's like, can you tell me what Tom got you for your birthday? And I go, I'm not sure I'm allowed to talk about it. Because it's kind of a place, right? It's a tad bit. I mean, I wanted to do a video and be like, thank you Tom.

But I was like, people are gonna see this and go, what the fuck is happening to you? Yeah, yeah. It's a little out of control. It's a lot out of control. Like, I didn't even tell my wife that I was doing it, by the way. Somebody the other day was just at the house and I was like, yeah, for Bert's birthday and she goes, oh, what'd you get him?

And I was like, oh shit. I was like, I never mentioned it. And I really kind of appreciate it because, I was like, I never mentioned it. I really kind of appreciate it because, because, well, we said, Well, let's not say this. We're both touring heavily right now. We're on the road all the time.

My actual my fall tour that started in August just ended yesterday. So I have six weeks off before it goes real crazy. Just six weeks off? Yeah, I'm so full. It starts new years and then it's like January through May with like very little time off. So on most of those weeks, I have like a couple days off.

Point being you have a similar schedule and you've been coming here to do this podcast because it's very important to the two of us. We want to keep doing it and everything's set up here in Austin now. So my thought was, what can I do for you in this super hectic schedule that's like a big splurge? First time I got you an e-bike.

Yeah, and then- But this started all of this was that e-bike. Yeah, the e-bike started it and then you got me a jet ski. I'm most drowned, did I tell you that? No. Wait, how did you almost drown? I didn't tell you what happened? No. Wait, how did you almost drown? I didn't tell you what happened? No.

Ah, fuck. Dude, let me see if I can send this to native while we're talking. What happened? Bro, this was insanity. It was really just that it was fucking scary then. You know, I almost killed me on a jet ski. So, we got two jet skis.

Yeah. The one you got me. And then when I got here, it was like, oh, you need a second one. Yeah. So I got a second one that has even a little more juice, right? Jesus. And by the way, for the record, the one I got you, I think goes like 67 miles per hour.

Yeah, and so the one that I got goes 75 right oh my so by the way that is So fast it is so fast so we were out on the Jetskies and She was on the one that you got me I had it whatever I'm on the the the faster one yeah and I'm on the faster one. Yeah. And first we're just kind of like in the main part of the lake, and then we hit this bend where it's like, it gets like real smooth.

Like glass. So I was just like full throttle going like 73, 74, and then all sudden the power just started to go down. It was going like 65, 60, 50, 50, 40. So I was like, all right, and I yell over to her, it's like, we gotta go back. I start going and it's going to like 20 and then it just, it won't turn on.

So I was like, oh, something's happening. Like, I mean, I don't know. So I have a mechanical ready. So I call them and I tell them, and he's like, I'll check this and I'm like, all right. And then I have a full day. So I go, oh, I'm gonna have him and he's like, I'll check this and I'm like, all right, and then I have a full day. So I go, oh, I'm gonna have to start calling people because I know this is gonna be an ordeal now. Yeah.

So I start calling a guy that I have an appointment with in like an hour. And as I'm talking to him, as I'm talking to him, I feel water on my ankles. And I'm like, this weird because sometimes those little foot bays have a little bit of water. But it's like up to my ankle. And then I feel the Jetsky tip and I'm like, this weird, because sometimes those little foot bays have a little bit of water, but it's like up to my ankle. And then I feel the Jetsky tip, and I'm like, there's no way this is tipping, because they don't just tip, and I fall in the water. I hold the phone up, my instinct is just to save the phone.

Yeah, I was like, I'll call you back. And then I look at the turn, and I see that the Jetsky is sinking. So it's actually going under and I'm like, you've got to be kidding me. So I, she had gone to these fishermen. Oh my God, you're out there by yourself. Yeah, she'd gone to get these fishermen

because at first we thought it was dead and we were gonna try to tow it, we didn't have a rope. So she goes to get a rope. Then I'm just like wave into her and I have to get on the back of her Jetski, get the rope, we end up towing it to the shoreline, tie it up to like a tree, then go get the, it was a whole ordeal, right? But by the way, the moment, the moment where you go, it's sinking, like the split second, you're like, I'm dying right now.

Like I was, you know, full panic for like a split second. I was like, I'm gonna have a life, I was like, oh my god, I'm gonna die. Like that's what I thought was happening. Because any sinking vessel doesn't matter, it's terrifying. Oh, yeah. It's fucking terrifying. Just in the middle of the lake. And then I was just like, someone's gonna come fly

and buy right now and just take my head off on this thing. And Christina goes, you know, you have like amazingly good luck and amazingly bad luck. Like, yeah. She's like, amazing things. Like, he's like amazing things happen to you and then the worst things happen to you. And the best is that I tell the mechanic, I was like, dude, you're not gonna believe it. This thing just started sinking.

Like sinking in the middle of the lake, he goes, oh yeah, it happens all the time. I was like, what? He goes these things, think all the time. And I was like, what are you talking about? He's like, yeah, are you serious? Are you serious? No, I didn't say no. Yeah, I was just like, dude, I got on a jesky with

I told I have a couple things that I'm pretty firm with. Number one, Leanne doesn't get presents anymore. Like she, I have teacher lesson. Oh, yeah, that was the best from the tracksuit. That was tracksuit. She can get presents anymore. She gets stuff, but I'm not going to pick it out. Like you can get it. I'll pay for it, but I'm not picking it out. I'll send someone over to her that has bunches of options. I won't be there. You can pick it out.

That's the punishment you get. And I like it for life. And so I like it's a very firm punishment. I will never ride her to Jessica with her again. And she wants me to. Like she really want because she can't ride one by herself. And I will not. And I told her, no, no no no no no no no no how come

So when she was I'm gonna guess 10 years old maybe maybe older Maybe 11 10 probably She said we would let the girls drive the jessies when we hold on to the back and we'd kind of you know Monitor them and Georgia's always been safe as shit. And so it was fun to go with Georgia, Georgia was just like in the middle of the lake, go fucking slow as shit, she wanted to prove.

And she got a little more confident, Eila right out the gate was a fucking lunatic. So Leanne and Leanne's a lunatic too, Leanne loves that shit. She loves the... That's how my choreographer arrived in that McLaren. Yes. I saw a side of her personality. I had never seen in the 15 years I've known her. I was like, who is it?

She was like, woo doggy, let this thing rip. I was like, oh. And she was kicking the dash. I was like, what are you doing? I'll heal you! Yeah. He's getting in my panties, keep a punch it. So, I mean, I knew Aila had an issue with speed.

Like, I remember we were in, we were in fucking camping one time and we got, we rented these, these, like ATVs, there's, but with this like a car, but it's like, it's like everyone four seats, everyone can ride around in it. And Eila was to, with that Georgia drive because she was getting old, and I was like, now I need to drive.

We're like, well, you're really young. She was like, please, it's all like, okay. Eila, helmet on, held onto the wheel, and then slid down the wheel, so she could push it all the way to the ground, and she couldn't see anymore. She was, she was compromising her vision of the road for the speed. She was trading out so that she had floor it, that's the feeling she liked, she didn't care where it went. And so, and so she gets me on this jet ski and I, and I, and I was in front.

She's in front. She's in front. front and she goes we go out in a little Jettie word, you know, Leanne lands lake houses when we pull out and And it's it's It is flat where you get like flat where you can really open it up and she goes the first thing she says is hold on big boy And I go hold on and she and she takes off and I literally almost fall off and I go baby you're going too fast and she goes oh shut up dad you're gonna be fine don't be such a wimp dad don't be such a wimp and then she says all right hold on tight I'm gonna try something and she cuts it to like she calls it digging a

hole where you like dig but we're going too fast and so what all that happens is I go fucking flying off the thing And the and now it's just her on it so there's no weight on it and it just starts skimming across the water I hit the water my head hits water I'm upside down Yeah, and the jet ski slams into the side of my my hip ah I pop up when knocked out of me. I'm like I don't think I'm fucking around and starts going And I go no I'm hurt. She goes a little more hurt I go no, I'm fucking hurt. She goes dad come on

You can't get hurt from the water and I go Ila the jet ski hit me and she goes no it didn't I go bullshit Ila and then I got really fucking pissed and so I hey, fucking get off, I made her get off the jet ski. I then got on the jet ski. I then put her back on the jet ski and I drove it in. I put on a little jetty and Leanne sitting there with George, they're sitting in the water just bobbing around. And Leanne goes, well, that was a quick ride. And as I go to talk, Eila goes,

dad's about to tell you one of his dad stories. And Leanne goes, oh, let me hear it. And I go, hold on. Ila threw me off the jet ski. And she goes, oh, come on, Bert, that didn't happen. I go, no, no, no. I got thrown off the jet ski, and the jet ski slammed into me. And they're like, that's a lie.

That's impossible. And the next day I woke up and I was like, I can't wait to show you this black and blue mark. It was this big. It was the smallest black and blue mark I've ever had. I was so fucking angry. And so Ila never get to drive a jet ski with me. That's a good punishment. Yeah, never. And I can't wait. I said to Leana, I was like, you know, I was saying one day, if we can't do two bears, if I can't do two bears,

would you be comfortable filling in for me, flying into Austin, doing two bears, stay at Tom and Christina's, and I was like, oh, they got jet skis out there, right? And I was like, no, they don't. I was like, you never, she will go 75 miles an hour on a jet ski. Oh, she has no fucking, she has impulse control through the fucking ass. Like, she has, you just can't, you can't trust her

with anything. I remember walking, I told you I walked into the pantry one time. She was in there in the dark in her bathroom drinking a root beer in the dark And I I opened the door she said whoa she has shut the door I thought you were mom and I was like he's just drinking a root beer in the dark. She goes mom will let me have him I'm like, oh my god. I gotta get in front of this like this is a fucking Yeah, she's so yeah, she don't get, I Georgia's got some punishments too, but I can't talk about them.

Okay. Let's go back to the birthday present. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, all that is to say that we, you know, we did e-bike, we did Jetski, and we had this thing going where we'll always, we have to top the last one. Yes.

So I was thinking, like, what can I possibly get you? At first, I was gonna send you this fucking crazy turret gun that you could basically like a kind of like consumer level, but it's almost like an anti-aircraft gun that I have to get signed off on, but I was like, Leanne's gonna get super pissed. Oh, no.

And I mounted on the front of our house. Yeah. No one breaks into that fucking house. No way. Or you have a fucking anti-aircraft garyer gun. Like just obnoxiously on top of the front oning of our house just. I was thinking of that.

Then I wanted to get you this, I mean, it's not a tank, but it's sorta like one. And I remember that Leanne was like, do not send vehicles over here. Like, we have no more to park them. So, I was trying to think of like experiences. And then I was like, you know what, this, with you being this busy,

and like I was trying to do this, I was like, you know what I'll do? Is I'll send a plane. I thought it was like, you know what I'll do? Is I'll send a plane. I thought it was like, it's a big splurge. But to get a plane to get you, because you have like fucking less than 48 hours. So it's like fly you out here and cater it, get you like good food, foods, and then.

It was, I mean, we shot it all. So we shot it all on my camera, so it gives you. Okay. Because I was like, but I was like, I'm not gonna post this online because it was as nice as the fucking plane legendaries that made us Serbia in. Well, cool. I mean, it was, except the one from legendary

had a bedroom bed in it, but it was, we got, I mean, here's the thing, and I say this, Candle is that because of our schedule, sometimes when I'm on the road, sometimes commercial flights are just not an option. Because in order to make money, so we make money doing the podcast, so in my head, it's like, if you can find a cheap private jet, which is what we fly. If you can find a cheap private jet, then it makes sense, and you can get in and out. So we are very well versed in planes that do not have a bathroom.

Plans that if it does have a bathroom, you have to then tee bag your entire crew as you get out of there. You've seen that video. I have seen your review. Yeah. And so, by the way, they're very nice. They're still very nice. The main thing is they give you the option of time.

You can like finish your show. Finish your show. Get on a plane. Yeah. Land in Austin. Yeah, do two shows here, do two shows the next day, and then literally get on a plane and fly out to go do my other shows.

So it's just maximizing my time. And so we have done this, and we've done it in planes that are the smaller versions. There's a smaller version. Still very nice, I'm not complaining. Yeah, they're great. And we pulled up last night and John man's my cameraman who's been on all these flights with me

He comes out and I'm I'm in the back. I'm on the tour we're in the tour bus Yeah, so I can't see anything outside. John man's goes out of the tour bus comes running back in and he goes This plane has a flight attendant I go what and he, it's fucking huge. And then now all these guys who have been slumming with me, by the way, in very expensive planes, but not very high end, are losing their fucking shit. And they're like, oh my god,

they're like, we have five extra seats on this plane. And then the flight attendant's like, hey, can I get you a drink before take off? Or like, oh, we usually just drink dirty girls. Like, we bring our coolers on flights. Like, we bring a boom box on flights. Like, this is, this has surround sound inside. Like, would you guys like to watch a movie?

And like, it was like one of the nicest planes I've ever been in. And, and I was like, and so I was like, shoot it. I was like, no one put this on Instagram. Just shoot it, give it a tom. And then the best part is, I mean, this is, the reason this present is so valuable to me is that I had, if I did not say that right.

I think I, thank you, man. By the way, I'm, you may have stammered over it. My voice is shot too. Yeah. Is, I find Austin today. Yeah. We have dinner tonight with our guy. Yeah.

I then we do two shows tomorrow early early, and then I get on a plane, I fly to LA. It's same plane, by the way, I have the plane for the whole weekend. I fly the same plane to LA to go to ADR and a full movie added to the machine. I then get on a plane, then go to Minneapolis to do two shows. And so like, and this plane is the

kind of plane where you go, like, I remember getting on one plane one time and I was like, I was like, I was like, I wonder if I'm having a panic attack because I feel like I'm claustrophobic because you're like this, like you still on the scene in your head like this. This plane's fucking the best. And then you put me up with the four seasons. And I get in and there's like a birthday spread for me and a present and then I wake up this morning and the guys like, I thought you could enjoy a cold beer this morning. And I was like, okay.

And he goes, it's a cider and early morning beer and I was like, okay, thank you. I fucking, I mean, it's like the great, it's been the best, busiest two days of my life. Sure. It was like the perfect compliment. The holidays are a wonderful time of year, but if you are like me and you're running an online store,

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That's policygenius.com slash two bears one cave to start comparing quotes and simplify insurance buying. Check out policygenius. policygenius.com sites, two bears wonkage. Thanks policy genius for sponsoring this video. Well, we should go back to first of all, I was very excited when I came up with the idea and I booked it and it was so much money.

But, do you wanna put a price tag on it? I don't know, but I do remember this, I, it was on it? I don't know. But I do remember this. It was your birthday and I faced time, do you? And I was like, hey, I got to tell you your present. And you go, OK. And I told you, I'm going to charter you in and then charter you out.

So you can do the podcast and not have to worry about it and put you up. And you go, I love you so much more than my wife. I love you so much more than my wife. I love you so much more than my wife. I love you so much more than my wife. Can I tell you what she got me? I feel weird talking shit about her because I know she's mad at me right now. Yeah. It's such an odd choice of a gift. What was it? She got me a wallet. Usually you like to pick out your own wallet.

You know? Like it's kind of the whole idea about a wallet. It's like, what do I like? Yeah. Like, what do I need? How do I like my wallets? And then she just went, no, this is a wallet you'll be using. I was like, thanks.

Now we haven't even gotten to the best part of this whole gift. It's that you're going to have to top it in April. So I've actually been having panic about this. So here's a deal. I say we top out at $100,000. I say $100,000. I think we end, okay. I think that's fair. I'm looking for a gift concierge. So there's a gift concierge out there. Yeah. Like pull up Uncrate.

Do you know what Uncrate is? I am so excited for it. I'm literally like, all right, so I was like, I told, I told, okay, Uncrate is like the coolest good cars. Good as cars and it pulls up like. Fuck. Yeah, what's the price point on that? That's a fucking, so Uncrate is like the,

it's the coolest shit for guys. It's all guy shit. I mean, girls too can be into it. Now that Jenner's fluid. Yeah. You mean gay women. Go ahead. But like it's the coolest shit.

So I need, I would love to team up with uncrate. If uncrate's listening, here's what is that? Oh, that is the Hyundai Grand Door Heritage System. I love the look of that car. Keep going. But I Oh, scroll back up. What is Paulo Maria's Porsche GT3 coupe? Click it. Oh boy, give it a price point.

Well, it's definitely more than a hundred. Oh boy, give it a price point. Well, it's definitely more than 100. Those are, that's fucking rad. So I, I, I, I would love to team up with a gift concierge and I need to start working right now. I need to start working right now on your gift and I would love an expert. I want, what I'm looking for is a British guy

to like, I like to call me up. He's going to be like very like dapper and be like hello, but understand you're needing a gift for your your mate Tommy. I go I am. He goes, all right. I've sent over a questionnaire. Have him fill that out and I'm going to come back with a list of 12 gifts that might be perfect for them. All under a hundred thousand dollars with a couple just to be able to just to tell you where I wanted to get you. Sure. Last night I was like, because that's not on the jet going,

I really am gonna have to spend $100,000. I literally thought I'm like, I, everyone's like, everyone's on the jet enjoying it. Going, this is great. Thanks Tom, thanks Tom. I'm like, fuck you guys. This jet, this jet's costing me $100,000.

I'm like the fucking and drinking up boys, drinking up. They're like cooking or no salmon. And I was like, yeah, yeah, that's all salmon you want. I was like, you're just like, I got a sped so, let's be honest. I was like, I called Pete Larios, my guy, the Chicago Pete. And I was like, I was like, what, can called Pete Larios like you know my guy the Chicago Pete Yeah, and I was like I was like what? Can I get any good cars for under a hundred thousand dollars? He's like nah He's like nah sorry buddy, and I was like something Tom would like he was nothing Tom would like nothing Tom would like

I was like fuck so cars were out. So uh So I'm like I'm I, I'm trying to think, like one of my ideas was, I have a list of ideas, but I'm gonna need a concierge. So if there's a good concierge. By the way, let's get ahead of this real quick. I already know the way to stay connected to poor people like you.

Let us fucking have our fun, okay? Now. By the way, I thought $3,000 was like a fucking splurge back in the day. Like, what? It is. I was like, I was like, no one spends $3,000 on a gift. And then when I bought the fucking jet ski,

I remember Lee Ankoing, you're not spending $15,000 on him. And I go, baby, I'm getting it back. Yeah. I didn't realize I'm just fucking, I should have spent $3,000 on him. And I go, baby, I'm getting it back. Yeah. I didn't realize I'm just fucking, I should have spent $3,500 on you. And then we should have jumped up and increments up 500. And then you took, you, you spent fucking way more. Five times on me.

I'm fucking, I'm stressing about it. Oh, guys, yeah, you know, I'm struggling to pay my rent. Well fuck you get your rent cover, okay? I mean all like all the god man, I can't I mean I can't wait to I Was beautiful about this is that you know me, the beauty of this gift is, you have taken anxiety out of three days of work for me entirely, and so, all of a sudden, everything's a lot easier. Like, and then, I was thinking, in a weird way, you didn't even know this, but like,

I had to watch, edit of the machine. Yeah. And I could do that. I could do that on the plane. And I could watch the infrared of the audience watching it. Everything was made so fucking easy. So I'm like, Peter, pull that up. And it was just fucking. I'm at like, I feel very, I'll be telling us.

I feel very fortunate to be able to do it. And it's fun to do it with, like, it's for one of your best friends, what? I got an idea. Okay. What's your idea? Let's do, let's do a charity event for Christmas. So I was, this is what I was gonna do.

We should do, we should do a charity challenge. Okay. So we had two charities and we both try to see who can raise the most money for the charity. But I got a better idea. What? This was what I was gonna do for Christmas, but I don't know if it's gonna,

I don't know if I'm gonna be able to do it. I was gonna do Santa Claus cameos. So I was gonna dress as Santa Claus. Help me. Wait, wait, wait, wait, speaking of Santa Claus, when I picked you address this Santa Claus. That would be it. Wait, wait, wait, wait, speaking of Santa Claus, when I picked you up this morning, I go, how was the birthday gift?

And you're like, it was amazing. The plane was amazing. I said, how was the catering? You're like, unbelievable. And I slept so well. And we walked outside and you go, and I woke up feeling skinny today. And there was a valet out front of the hotel.

An older black man, probably about 60 years old. Yeah, and as you said that, he goes, Yeah, I go, yeah, man, I woke up feeling skinny and this dude just snipers me with a, yeah. All right, good name. And I was like, you couldn't just let me have that one and he goes, nope, have a great day. It was the perfect timing was perfect. He couldn't just let me have that one. He goes, nope, have a great day.

It was the perfect timing was perfect. Yeah, he was like, you're not skinny. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, I had a conversation with the older black dude in, in, where ever the fuck I was. I don't know where I was. Yeah. And St. Louis, oh yeah, I was St. Louis

because I was talking about Bucconial. I I was there's a quote the bucconeal He played I think he played for the monarchs that he had that I I couldn't find and I the NLD is the Negro League baseball and I wouldn't say the word Negro in front of him, this older black man, and I wouldn't say the name of the league and you could see him and he was smiling under his mask and he's like, go ahead, say it. And he's like, he's like son, it was older, he was probably gonna be like in his 70s, he goes son, that was the name of the league, you can say that.

And I was like, okay, I just feel very weird and he goes, did you hear Joe Biden double down on it? Yeah, I said no, he goes and I don't have a problem with what Joe Biden said. I was like, okay So then we talked about Satchel page, Snoop dog should play Satchel page in a movie a Snoop was gonna make a movie He should play Satchel page because he looks like Satchel page really yeah, I was obsessed with the bite and thing was that he said He was talking what he said like someone was like an amazing Negro in the Negro League Right, and they were he just he just stammered on his words and it's like he started a sentence and then changed the sentence in the middle of it and then and

And that on that word was just unfortunately placed he said the word like three times in the sentence. Yeah But a Bako Neel was, is. Where wave has negro. What do you mean? We don't use that term. It's called. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. It's almost like their color folks.

They're color folks. Dude, the NAACB. I was watching this thing on Rosa Parks. Yeah. And I told you I said I want to talk about Rosa Parks but I don't, and I could say good dangerous territory because then you, I think in the context of where we are now. Well, Rosa Parks was the head of the NAACP not had she was very high up in the NAACP

Yeah, Montgomery Alabama. What's interesting is we were just play I just played Montgomery Alabama Troy University was here. That's where I got that ATO shirt out of worthy other day and so We were walking on the street It's so crazy is that I see a statue of Rosa Parks. And this dude came over and then explained everything we needed to know about Rosa Parks. He's a tour guide. He's a black dude, he's a tour guide. And then you could tell he was like,

Hey man, I'm doing this for a little cash. It's almost like I ended up following him and tweeting this thing out. But it was very fascinating because I saw the bus stop. She was at and I saw the fountain across the street and he told us all about this. And then I'm listening to this thing, history and short. It's like a podcast I'm listening to. And they talked about Rosa Parks

and they talked about that bus stop. And I went, oh my God, I know exactly where that bus stop is. It was really cool to put a place in history like to visualize it and see it. You know, I mean, I went to the Holocaust camps and I still can't visualize those because it's such a like I like I even visiting them I still can't visualize

what happened. You can't imagine it's almost too bad. If that makes sense. The severity of the depravity of it. Right, right, right, the cruelty. With Rosa Parks, I saw it, not listening to this podcast, and I was like, oh man, you know, there's a lot of shit I'm interested in. Like what's crazy is the next one up was there was telling the short history of, it's called the short history, the short history of Alcatraz.

I've been to Alcatraz, and I was like, oh wow, this is so much better when you've actually been to these places to then hear the history of it. Yeah. I was like, and I'm on the road like crazy on tour. And I was like, I'm in Texas all of December. All of December I'm in Texas practically. I was like, I'm, well, you know, I'll be in an out.

And so I'm like, I'm gonna go find shit. I'm interested in in Texas. Like, you know, when I work for a history channel, the Vice President Network, we were having dinner and in Dallas and he goes, let's go to where they shot Kennedy. And I don't really have a frame of reference for that. Daily Plaza. I don't really have a frame of reference for it.

And I didn't, I was, didn't really give a fuck in all honesty, like I just was like, oh whatever. And so, we went over and I just, I remember just being like, are we gonna go get a beer or something? There's our bar around here? Like, when are we gonna eat? I'm hungry. And now when I go to Dallas, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna fucking watch this a prudofilm. I'm gonna listen to a documentary on it, and then go there. I don't know what, this was the dumbest thing I ever brought up. This is the dumbest thing.

You know it's a great, it's a great segue into that first. No, what's that all about? Oh, jufease. Yeah. It's very fascinating. It's something Sarah Silverman brought up and and it is that they have not just spiss like kind of but almost historically anytime they have a Jewish character playing in a in a movie a woman whose whose Jewishness is part of her large part of a personality like Joan Rivers they clapped they cast white non Jewish people to play it and there was an old saying, right Yiddish, cast British. And Sarah kind of stood up for it and was like, but what I like in this...

Wait, I'm gonna understand it. She brings, this is a Hollywood historical thing because this is new to me. Yes. That if there's a specifically Jewish character in historically in Hollywood films or stories, a, like a specifically Jewish character in, historically in Hollywood films or stories, that they cast a white non-Jewish to play that part?

Yes, that they never cast Jewish. Ah, and so, yeah, she, you gotta listen to her talking. She brings up the argument, and then, and then literally rattles off a ton of roles that you're just going like, that this is like a Jewish character. Like, Joan Rivers was the example that she kind of called out and then the project fell apart. I don't know if it fell apart because of her,

but they were doing a movie on Joan Rivers or a series on Joan Rivers. And Joan Rivers is, can we talk, you know, she's the most, that is New York. New York, dude, that is a 100% and they cast Catherine Hahn in it and Catherine Hahn is like Catholic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she was saying, and what's interesting about this

is that she was all, she was having the conversation out loud saying like this is what I'm noticing, it rubs me wrong and then immediately people just either attack her or side with her. No one's like, like me, I was sitting there, I was like, that is what I'm noticing. It rubs me wrong. And then immediately people just either attack her or side with her. No one's like, like me, I was sitting there and I was like, that's fucking fascinating. It's interesting. It's interesting.

Especially when you notice that, because right now you cannot cast a female to play a transgendered female. Right? The higher a transgender actor. Yeah, you have to hire a transgender actor. You cannot cast, you definitely can't cast a white guy to play a Puerto Rican or a white guy to play a black guy. And but that has happened before.

And right, so like they've had like a black character, Asian character, and then a white actor plays everyone's like the fuck man. Yeah, and even to the point where like the void, like I just had Nick Crowell on my podcast, and he would be talking about loud mouth voices. Big mouth. Jenny Slate played a black character.

And they had to fire her. No, they didn't. She voluntarily said, I do not want to play this fire. Oh, for real? Yes. Okay. I didn't listen to him. Yeah, of course she didn't.

Sorry, Jenny. Yeah, she, they did not fire. She was like, she was like, this part should go to a black factor. Quick factor. Yeah. Whoa. Who was that? I don't know.

My just is like all of a sudden, like, the levels changed and my ear popped. It is terrifying to be around you when you're like this. Good God, that was fucking scared me. Everyone knows I have very long balls. That is because I never were underwear growing up. I'm concerned about these balls and I've started wearing underwear. I've worn meandies now every day

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That's Amazon.com slash CAVE to try Amazon Music Unlimited free for three months. Amazon.com slash cave. Renews automatically cancel anytime, turns apply. Anyway, did she just step up and go, go, I don't want to play this? Sort of, what did she think everyone was doing? So it was going, everything was moving along as fine as it was. I think it was at the height of when the post-George Floyd social injustice was like at a fever pitch.

And people were like, well, let's talk about representation and all this stuff. And then she just said, I've been playing this part and I've had a lot of fun. But she goes, I'm playing a black character or voicing a black character and it should go to a black actor. But I don't know. I feel like, what was his name? The guy on the Simpsons, there was a whole...

Oh, Hank Isarian. Hank Isaria. He does a ton of voices. And including he did Apo, and he did, but he doesn't just do Apo, you know, I think he does like a fucking dozen characters. Yeah, yeah. Let's see how many he does, because it is a number of them. He does.

Oh, there's all his right there. Oh, he does Barney. He does Mo. He does every one. He does all the people that he does. There's not a list. He does the Mexican bumblebee. I was telling, I was telling his, we were talking about comedy in Mexico.

An addition to Mo Wigam, he voices the comic book guy Carl Carlson, Cletus, Professor Frank, Dr. Nick Rivera, Lou, Snake Jailbird, Kirk Van Hooten, the C-captain superintendent, Chalamur's Disco, Stu Duffman, the wise guy. I mean, incredible. Yeah. So they just killed up whose character, right? I think so.

And there was a, what's that comic? Harry Bondaloo. He did like a whole documentary. It was a, here's a thing, is that like, I like hearing these arguments. Like yeah, like the one thing that they were like, the one obvious thing that they then come back to Sarah with they're like, so then you can't play any Christian characters.

She's like, that's not what I'm saying. See, I'm just saying that if, if their religion is the thing, and religion, I guess, Judaism's more than just religion. It's a race, it's like everything. She's like, I'm just saying, if that's their main thing, then you gotta take an account that maybe you should go the extra mile to see if you can cast,

because it is kind of crazy. Like if me and you played Jewish men, like if I don't know, I mean, it's an interesting thing to talk about. You know, the animation thing's more interesting to me even. I've played a black dude. In animation? Yeah.

Well, I don't know if he was black. I did the cartoon, I did the animation. I don't even think that can count. I think the fact that maybe it's because I'm thinking in terms of comedy, but maybe you can make the argument that for the Simpsons or something too, but like if I said, hey, this is an animated thing and I want to voice the black guy, I personally don't go like, oh said, hey, this is anime thing, and I wanna play, I wanna voice the black guy,

I personally don't go like, oh no, no, I wanna give that role to somebody. I go, no, I want to do that. Yeah. I wanna see if I can do a convincing and funny voice. But at what point is you're convincing and funny mocking? Or highlighting things that you notice are like, like hints of Don L.

When you see Don L, you're like, that's ridiculous, right? And then you go, I'm gonna put the ridiculousness of Don L on this character or something, because that's ultimately when you're doing a character, like when you're doing an impression of someone, you're not doing, you have to exaggerate something. You're not doing a well-rounded, you know? But maybe the character's well-written and there's enough of that character where you feel like you're not just doing, you're not mocking or just doing a gross exaggeration, but you're

voicing a care, at least like this off the top how I think of it. I don't, my thought isn't like, well this character that I wrote, I mean I don't have the animated show, but I'm saying like, I don't go like, man, all these characters should be represented by the right people on the show. I, I think of it like, like even with looking at what Hank did, I wonder how many characters I can voice well on, yeah, on a show. I find that when I did the cartoon, I just did it. I did it like myself. Wasn't it, wasn't a white guy voicing Cleveland on Phouts. And then you know, I could be very awful on this,

but I'm not mistaken. I think I talked about on my podcast, they reached out to Ron Funches, and they're like, can you do Cleveland? And then Ron Funches is, by the way, I could be very awful. I'd have to ask Ron this, but then Ron was like, you want me to do an impression of a black guy of a white guy doing an impression of a black guy.

He's like, no, I'm not doing that. Okay. And so, yeah, but, you know, it does, it does. But the people bring that that character up before this became a hot topic. Or because it feels like Cleveland was your Harry bun I'm saying I know I'm saying it's last you definitely saying is a Harry bun bundle Lou. It's definitely not how to say Harry Cunt is it would come Kind of kind of leaning Harry kind of lean hold on Please it's a or I spelled his name right at least I Saw the documentary I thought it was fascinating name right at least. I saw the documentary, I thought it was fascinating. Wow, he didn't come close and maybe we should begin with your apology.

Yeah, because he's definitely the kind of comic that would light me up. Harry, condom blue. Condom blue. That's, I mean, right? Yeah. The problem with the poo, I like this movie. I didn't agree with everything he said,

but it does make sense. He's like, he watches that and he just sees the making fun of his dad, you know? Yeah. And then you're like, oh yeah, that would bother me a lot. I have a hard time liking this at home that made, that, because you're not, whereas I guess representation is seeing Apu on screen?

Yeah. It's not like, he's not. What did you call him before? Harry Bondaloo. Harry Bondaloo. Oh, man. I got part of it right. Yeah. By the way, everyone can suck my dick.

You know how many times I've been called Brett Chrysler? Yeah, I can say when I'm people say, I've got the right to say people's names wrong. You think that guy knows my fucking name? No goddamn way. Harry does never once mention my name in his fucking life. He has no idea who I am. And so, and I guarantee you, for the rest of his life, he will call me Brett Christel's,

or whatever the fuck he wants to call me. By the way, I'm not bitching on you, Harry. I liked your movie. But that's the thing is I love hearing. So like, so would you voice a black character? I told you I did. But wait, what was it in?

So it was a sitcom, but it wasn't. I did it as myself. I just did it myself. I didn't know there was, I didn't know the thing. And then, by the way, the character was, it's a cartoon. So it didn't look like so it didn't look like it didn't look racial right but when I got into the booth I'm

doing like doing the lines the like sort of you know I go back and forth with this thing and do it like 10 times and then they have the picture of the rest of the cast up and my wife and my two kids are black there's the cast yeah and I'm acting with them I don't I don't hear them to be black people. I just, they're just talking. And I'm not hearing race and anything they say, they're just little kids. And then the wife, all my scenes,

were with me and the little kids mostly. So I don't hear race. And then I said to the guy, I go, hold on a night black. And this, and this is a comedy. He's like, no, it's a cartoon. And I go, no, but as my character black, he goes, no, it's a cartoon.

And I was like, give it, everyone else in my family is black. And he goes, have we asked you to talk black? And he goes, no, it's a cartoon. And I was like, yeah, but everyone else in my family is black. And he goes, have we asked you to talk black? And I said, no, and he goes, then just keep doing what you're doing, man, you're killing it. And I was like, and then I was like, and then I couldn't really, it's cartoon, it's not real. Yeah, so there's no, I think part of what I'm realizing

right now too is like, it's how well you do a voice and that you're not doing a caricature of a voice, right? Like for instance, there's the white voice actor who does Morgan Freeman, have you heard him? It is unbelievable. Really? I mean, he is him, but it doesn't sound like

somebody trying to do a voice. It just sounds like he just sounds like Morgan Freeman. Like it's it's it's it's perfect. It's absolutely perfect. Point being like let's say you had an animated Morgan Freeman or just like if you didn't know that voice, if you were just like this is an old black guy. He doesn't sound like he's trying to do a voice. He just sounds like him. And in that case, I think maybe you go, well at least that's the, it's not like, what you're saying, like, an exaggerator like,

hey, you know, it's not like punching one thing up to be like, hey, look at this funny thing that I've heard them do before. Like that sounds like mockery or or, you know what I mean? Him doing it just so dead on perfectly. But then the counter argument to that, of course, is just higher a black eye to do the voice. Yeah. But then how do you, like, it's crazy too, because then... Here's the one you can't do.

You can't do Asian voices. You have to hire Bobby Lee. Yeah, you have to be like, yeah. Yeah, you couldn't have a white guy doing it. You could not have a white guy doing voice voices. You gotta be like, hey Bobby, do this. And he would do it and it's hilarious. And the white guy could maybe do a good version of that,

but everyone's gonna be like, that's not okay. That's crazy. Yeah, which is kind of like in line with the Apu character. It is? I understood everything Harry said in that. But it's funny that it depends on who you're doing the impression of. By the way, they could have a black guy do a white character and I know him would raise a hair. Can I tell you when I was a kid, I got really bummed when I found out that Sandy Duncan was playing Peter Pan

I was bothered. Oh, yeah, I was like I was like that should be played by a boy and and and and historically what and Bart wasn't that a blind blind when do you yes, but the parts played by a woman yeah? As a kid, I remember Gwen Cohen played, always, whenever we did Peter Pan, they always went to a girl to play Peter Pan. Never even auditioned boys, because Sandy Duncan played Peter Pan. And I remember being like, like, I remember being like, that's not right. And that's crazy. The one that used to rub me weird, and I just used to raise a flag with me,

was when Americans played British people and British people played Americans. It always bothered me, but more when black British people played black Americans. It bothered you learning that? No, no, no, just when you find out that like, oh shit, there's like who played Martin Luther King. And you're like it's weird that a British blackout be like I know everybody. Yeah, so so real quick Hit I'm reading for the role of Martin Luther King Whoa, you know, and then all it's like such a shift and you're like and I heard a black chick Go that fucking pisses me the fuck off and I was like dude

I have that has always always been like one, right, once I find out they're British, I'm like, aw, come on. Yeah, and it's so much more like impressive to hear a British black actor play Black American. That's the fucking. But with like slang and like, yeah. Don't want the best British black actors

that play Americans. One side, one side. What did I just say? I'm like fucking fire and hot. I might need a cocktail. Like, it's like, you know, you got any examples, Nidav, pull up examples.

Well, Aegis Elba did Stringer Bell, which was amazing in the wire. Like, if you didn't, when you did, before Elba is so fucking good looking. So, all right, so let's talk about, because I like the idea of not knowing, of like hearing opposing ideas I don't automatically agree with.

Right. A long time ago, I heard an idea, and I decided I'm gonna follow through with it. I think I'm gonna come out as fat You're gonna come out as fat. Yeah, now here's why I Was I met a guy in New York where I worked at Barnes and Noble. I think his name was Andrew I don't remember his name really. I think it's Andrew. He was from like the Midwest and His name was Andrew, I don't remember his name really. I think it's Andrew. He was from like the Midwest.

And he had just graduated college and he realized in college he was gay, but he kept it because he was like Indiana. Sure. And so when he graduated college, he came out to his family and they did not sit super well with him. And so he didn't feel like his home was Indiana anymore

and he came to New York and he came out in New York. And he fucked non-stop. To watch him come out, because we just started working together, he got the job he just moves to New York, to watch the celebration of realizing who he is. Come out. I was jealous that I have nothing I'm hiding, right? Like I don't like, I'm not going to come out as an alcoholic morning and I'll call everyone knows that, right? I'm not going to come out as gay. I'm straight. like I don't like I'm not gonna come out of the alcohol come on in I'll call to everyone knows that right

I'm not gonna come out as gay. I'm straight. I can't come out as straight again I can't only I come out as cheating on my wife I'm not gonna cheat on my wife cuz I need that fucking house, right? I don't care about her feelings. It's all the shit I need right so So then I thought What if I just came out as fat? I've been denying it my whole life. I mean, who you haven't been fat your whole life? I know, but I don't think gay people know their gay when they're younger, but they just are like, I'm having weird feelings about food or about men.

So what if I came out as fat and then I just, just was like, fuck it. I'm gonna erase it. Because I'll tell you very quickly, I'll be very honest. I had this feeling when I went to Tampa because I was the fattest I've ever been still and I go to Tampa and I know my dad has issues with my weight and I was and everyone's like, hey, this is like a few weeks ago. We're staying in Tampa at my parents house and he's like, buddy, grab your bathing suit and I was, I was like,

I don't want to because I don't want to be, I don't mind being shirtless on stage, but being shirtless around my dad, I'm very self conscious of it. Because my dad has always, always brought up my issues with my weight. Really? Yes, 100%.

So then I just, I just was at his house, I was like, I just want to tell him, like, I just want to like stand up for myself, go, I'm fat, okay? I know I'm fat, and I'm cool with it right now. Like, I'm gonna try to work on it. Like, when you come out, you're like, I'm gonna fuck everyone right now.

I'm gonna listen, I wanna fall in love, but right now, I'm fucking everybody, okay? Like, I just found out I'm gay, I'm going hard in the paint. Then I'll settle down, I'll adopt a kid, whatever, but for the time being, I'm coming out as fat. And I heard a grilled cheese yesterday. I never would order grilled cheese. Like here's what's crazy is I didn't-

Wait, did you tell him anything of this? Yes, I said, I said, I'm gonna have a cheeseburger. Today. He was like, buddy, we're gonna put up a scrolls, you wanna put some salmon on? And then my head, I was like, I don't want fucking salmon. I want a cheeseburger, I just got put down performing, fucking two shows at the stras, and it's two in the morning.

I'm eating a fucking cheeseburger. I was like, I'm having a cheeseburger. And he was like, oh, late for a cheeseburger, don't you think? And I was like, Dad, I want a cheeseburger. He was like, yeah, and I just cracked a beer. And he was like, whoa, not a beer. And I was like, I'm coming out as fat, Dad. I'm fat.

I'm fucking fat as shit. I'm the fatest I've ever been. And I was like, I can't out as fat dad, I'm fat. I'm fucking fat as shit. I'm the fatest I've ever been. And I was like, I can't do anything about it. I'm on tour. I'm fucking spinning out of control. Like, I'm trying my best to do everything. I've just started being able to work out my arm again. But I'm just gonna be like, for the time being, I'm fat.

I'm fat the same way. And you can't shame me about it. You would never shame someone for coming out as gay. So I'm fat. And what did he say? I think he just thinks I'm a fucking lunatic. I don't think he's, I think he's like, what is this bit? And where was your way? Where did you have grilled cheese just right? I was in grilled cheese. I wanted a grilled cheese. I was like, I would never order a grilled cheese. I would never order grilled cheese. Yeah. We went to this restaurant and I was like,

I want a grilled cheese. So you guys have to, wherever I was, Milwaukee. And there's like, we have a great grilled cheese. I was like, really? You know, it's jalapeno grilled cheese. I go, fucking line it up. Oh wow. And then I was like, you know what? You have fish and chips?

He's like, we do, I go, give me an order that too. He was like, wow, you're really going hard. And I was like, yeah, I'm fat. He's like, what's the drink? I go, you got lemonade? Never order a fucking lemonade. Here's the crazy thing. I would never, I love root beer.

I love root beer. Yeah, root beer is great. I love root beer. Was your lemonade, did you do lemonade with the fish and chips and the other? Yeah, and I was like, I love lemonade. I'm hungover. I want something sweet in my mouth.

Yeah. And I'm cool there, so I was like, I'll give lemonade. Lemonade. Fresh lemonade is like. Dude, I've't have cool lead there. So I was like I'll give lemonade lemonade fresh lemonade is like dude I I've surrounded myself with life options Then I don't enjoy meaning like

Like this coffee, right? Yeah, like this is what is this cold brew extra ice? Yeah, it's okay Yeah, but it's not a frappuccino right and but I never order frappuccino because I don't want to yeah, right go to the Yeah, yeah, I don't want to go there. I never order a root beer when they actually root beer on the menu My heart skips a beat and I go I feel so Ila goes root beer. I'm gonna root beer and then they go you get one and this at mind set you put in people's lives I'm like you get one Ila and then I'm thinking I want a fucking root beer But I don't get a double tea in a soda just same amount of calories I go what if I just shift myself to being fat as opposed to being a drunk, right?

Just go, I'm getting a root beer float. I love root beer floats. Wait, you see how I eat a dinner tonight? Now that I've come out as fat, I'm just talking to Dan, I myself anything. Okay, I'm here for it. Like, you know, like, what the, think about when the way you live your life.

Hang on, one second. I saw you have some bullshit meal in your hand today, right? It's it's a dietary meal correct. It's a meal prep. It's not yeah, okay, so it's stop stop right there You're you're living in a false universe. Why is it a false? You got a meal prep, right? You that's that's that's someone that said you said to yourself. I don't like I don't like fat Tom right and then You go I'm gonna do all the things that real tom doesn't like. You do meal prep, have egg whites, have some spinach,

drink some water. But what if you came out of fat and you just go, Oh, I have been. And you just go, I'm gonna do what I wanna do forever. I've done that. And then when you're reading pies? Yeah. Yeah, I've gone, you know what you're describing? I'm just gonna eat whatever. I've done that. And then when you're reading pies? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I've gone, but you know when you're describing,

like I'm just gonna eat whatever, I've done that for a long time. Tonight let's order for each other. Let me order for you and you order for me and let's just see how sick we can get. How sick we can get? How often are you supposed to fart? How often are you supposed to fart? Like I'm farting like 100 times a day. Hahaha.

As I said that, I just felt gaspilled up in my stomach. Like are you, is farting and burping part of, is that like a red flag of gaining weight? No, I mean, like everyone fart's in burps, but the average is five to 15 times a day. Is it, okay, is it normal to fart 50 times a day? Go to that. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no It could be a problem. If you fought more than 20 times per day. I'm farting. I'm burping. I'm throwing up in my mouth, Daily.

Like, you know, sometimes I'll eat, and then I'll have to like, I'll have to stand, I'll have to stand for a while before I go down, because if I lay down, I just throw it all up in my mouth. Like, I just have my acid reflux. So my voice is bad. Yeah, that's a reflux. It's as is bad. Yeah, that's a reflexes fucking through. How much are you gonna order tonight?

You think, oh, Tom. Is this still your birthday basically? I'm still celebrating my birthday. It's no members member of day month. Yeah. I will. What do you and, do you get any weight? Cause you feel like I feel like you look the same.

I'm the same, I'm the same. Well, I'm working out. I do enjoy working out, right? I do enjoy working out. Yeah, I like working out. I do enjoy working out, right? I do enjoy working out. You do? You do? Yeah, I like working out. I like running. We went for a great run in Chicago.

I'm really excited that I can do hammer curls now. I'm not really stable with them. You'll see, I'll do them in between shows. It's amazing. This arm's like, boom, boom, boom. And then this arm's like, tremble, tremble, tremble, tremble, tremble, tremble. But I like the goal of trying to get my strength back

in my arm. What did you do in Chicago? You did an outdoor place? No, I did the auditorium. I don't know. Theater. You like it? Yeah, I was fucking gorgeous. Yeah, those...

I'm just burping and throwing up on my mouth right now. Like, I'm just... I'm just... I think I'm at withsend. Like, I'm like with send like I'm like with fucking It's like you're when it's like is that right like it really you're living in an eating disorder if you're like Unless you accept yourself being fat. You're living in an eating disorder like you're living in an eating disorder Where you're like I'm not gonna eat. I'll just starve myself. I'll deprive myself. I'll just sit there and go

What do you want? I'll just have some celery crank, crank, you know? Yeah. It's like, do you think I should trash my meal prep? What did you, by the way, I'll eat it right now. No, no, I don't eat it, I want it. What did you get? It's eight ounces of grilled chicken, sweet potatoes and peppers.

Is anyone like that? I like it. Grilled chicken is just like, I mean, it's seasoned. It's seasoned. It's seasoned. Grilled chicken is mean, it's seasoned. It's seasoned. It's seasoned. Grill chicken is, unless it's perfect.

Okay. It's often it's like ropey and you're like, huh. What are you gonna have for lunch? I'm not eating. I'm not eating. I'm fucking waiting for it tonight where I can just go hard as fuck.

How are you gonna go? Fucking so hard. I might start with dessert. Really? Yeah, because that's the other thing. Whenever I eat, I go healthy stuff first, healthy stuff first, and then the stuff I enjoy last, and I get a little bit of that,

and I'm like, I'm stopped, I won't need all of it, and then I get it all anyway. Yeah. Dude, I ate so much. I went to dinner with my agents in Chicago, and I ate so much, and then drank lemon cello, in Chicago and I ate so much and then drank lemon cello And then they gave me three bottles of lemon cello and I've just been drinking lemon cello. It's so fucking good Shalots of tavern on rush

Steaked dinner there Would you eat Everything calamari like to calamari fucking awesome? When it's real? It's so good. If you are looking for a gift for a loved one, a friend, a family member, go to Skylight Frames. I have bought no less than probably 15 Skylight Frames.

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if you're, I'm saying as if you've come out as fat already. Okay. My perfect day. Yeah. Okay, I like this. I'm getting chill bumps. I'm gonna do breakfast. I'm gonna wake up and I'm gonna eat breakfast.

But I'm not gonna do what I normally do, right? I go, I'm gonna fast, or I'll just have some egg whites. I want a fucking breakfast sandwich. Probably, I might pivot and say breakfast burrito. A breakfast burrito, when done right, might be the perfect thing for breakfast. I would agree, I fucking love a breakfast burrito. I'm going breakfast burrito, and I'm not gonna worry

about diarrhea that day, and I'm gonna load it up with hot sauce, and I'm gonna fucking make it regrettable. It's gonna be, I'm going breakfast pre-do and I'm not gonna worry about diarrhea that day and I'm gonna load it up with hot sauce and I'm gonna fucking make it regrettable. It's gonna be, I'm going to be a football. It's gonna be a football. I worked sanitation for Hurtbert one time and these guys are like best breakfast pre-do I've ever had, you ever ever had. And I was like, this woman, we were driving

with sharks the week before and she made a breakfast pre-do that I think about all the time. Is there a breakfast pre-do around here? Not that I, well there's one, there's a place on rainy that it has really all the time. Is there a breakfast burrito around here? Not that I know. Well, there's one. There's a place on rainy that it has really good ones, but I was going to give a shout out to fannies in Redondo Beach on Avenue C. They do a fucking amazing, amazing breakfast burrito. Breakfast burrito is my morning.

That's my morning. Breakfast burrito. And by the way, this is crazy, but like because of anxiety, I dodge coffee. If I have stuff to do I won't have coffee in the morning and I love coffee in the morning I love it love, but I know that it fucks with my anxiety if I be show that night Yeah, like I like that save my coffee for my show really can't I can't I save it for the nighttime All right, so you have that and then what's your lunch that day? Oh, it's cheeseburger. Yeah, fucking cheeseburger

I mean, I'm a big cheeseburger fans. Yeah, I'm going cheeseburger. Fries. Cheeseburger fries. I'm gonna get an appetizer. How many cheeseburgers? Just one? Oh no, it's gonna be like a, it's either gonna be one of those big like half pounders. Yeah.

We're like stacking up like double. Yeah. I had a cheeseburger the other day that was so fucking good. Where was I? And I said to the lady, I was like, oh my dude, I had the best egg sandwich in Detroit. There was a sign on the side of the road that said, egg, best egg sandwiches around the corner.

And I was like, how do you, I go there and the woman's like, you can build your own, American cheese, one fried egg, bacon, avocado on a biscuit. And the biscuit was fluffy yet thick. Oh my God. I got, I'm not even joking. From mouse water right now.

I can see that. I'm not even joking. I ordered 12 breakfast sandwiches. 12? I ordered 12 breakfast sandwiches. And then texted the guys on the bus, I go, I'm coming back with breakfast sandwiches. Three breakfast burritos. three, I just,

I love that feeling of going, like, I'm ordering for everybody. And so we went to donuts, went to stands in Chicago, I ordered 10 breakfast sandwiches and two dozen donuts. And I just love, and then we ate the donuts forever. Oh, I got to have a donut with my breakfast. And so, yeah, I'm gonna have the breakfast, we're gonna then follow it, finish it with a donut.

Then I get a cheeseburger for lunch, I'm getting a root beer float with that cheeseburger. My mouth is fucking watering, Tom. It's watering. And then for dinner, I'm going to, I'm going to Italian food. Oh, okay. Yeah, because we're talking about what we want. And we start off a little flat bread some calamari

I would like some squid like some grilled squid. I really like grilled squid, too, and then I'm doing a gluttonous What's the one that's got bacon is it carbonara? I remember hey, what's carbonara type in carbonara? It's it's got bacon fat egg yellows egg yolk Yeah, I'm doing a carbonara. Oh my god my mouse warning on my dick's hard fuck god damn it. Oh wait you go through your favorite day. Oh This is fucking awesome Five egg whites. No, no, no, no, what do you want? What do you want? What do you want? Uh honestly for No, no, no, no, what do you want? What do you want? What do you want?

Honestly for For breakfast I love I would love to do the savory like Bacon, egg and cheese sandwich, but then I also want either like a primo waffle or a brioche french toast with tons of real maple syrup like drowning in Serap dude. I love that. I love when you I love when you go to a diner and you get three eggs over easy. Hash browns, bacon, sausage links, and then the pancakes on the side. Here's what I do with my pancakes. You put the egg yolk on the hash browns, and you hold the yolk run through the hash browns.

Oh, that's a good one. Dude, I like to take the pancakes and then I cut a wedge out, like a little pie thing. And first of all, I butter the pancakes hard aggressively. Yeah. And then cut a wedge out like a little pie thing and well first of all I butter the pancakes hard aggressively Yeah, and then cut a wedge out your mouth still Watering so bad right now, you know the n-things mouth watering isn't a thing. I go bullshit. You just don't have a soul and so And then I pour the syrup inside the way we call her back Yeah, well, yeah, well I pour the syrup inside the wedge and I let it soak in I want to take bites of pancakes where as you bite it squirts.

Yeah, yeah, and it dissolves. Yeah, keep going, keep going for lunch. What are you getting? Well, I definitely am a huge cheeseburger fan, but I would also, I love, I'm talking like a top tier Italian sub, you know? I'm talking heavy mayo. Yes. Lots all the meats, prosciutto, and then the,

like when you open it up, the paper is wet. I'm talking heavy mayo. Yes. Lots all the meats, prosciutto, and then the, like when you open it up, the paper is wet. Yeah. And it has oil and vinegar and salt and pepper, and it's like, the bread makes all the difference though. Like shitty bread ruins the sub. So it's like top tier, like they bake their own bread there. I mean that, that with salt and vinegar chips,

Anasota is decadent. I love it. When we were in, I forget where we were, but there was a Santa Monica place makes amazing one, and there was one in Woodland Hills that was awesome. When we went to the South Captain Marvel, with movie starts, and I hear next to me, I hear this, I hear it.

I go, what the fuck? And it's Eila. She pulls a Jimmy John's Italian sub out of her sweatshirt. And she goes, fuck, we can eat this. And I was like, oh! By the way, an Italian sub in a movie theater is such a recognizable smell.

Oh yeah. Everyone's like, it's somebody eating an Italian sub. And it's just me and Eila fucking wolfing down a footlong. Oh man. I met him the other day. Jimmy John. Yeah.

Yeah. He's a person. He's a person. Yeah. You would have loved him. Wait, where did you meet Jimmy John? Uh, at Kid Rocks House. Wait, what are we doing at Kid Rocks House?

Hang it out. What are you with Kid Rocks House? There he is. There's Jimmy John. This dude is, you say personality. God, he has got a fucking glowing smile. You would love him. Wait, what were you doing at Kid Rocks house?

Can I tell you what's crazy? What? Is the other day, someone hit me up and they're like, what's up with you and Kid Rock? And I was like, I have no idea. You'd like him too. His house was so fun. You went Detroit?

Obviously. Nashville. Oh, okay. Kid Rock lives in obviously. Nashville. Oh, okay. Kid Rock lives in Nashville? Yes. Yeah. And so, how did you hook up with Kid Rock? Koeh.

Oh, really? Yeah. And what, oh, you would joke? Yeah. Oh, you would joke Kid Rock. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Jimmy John. Jimmy John was there, but that dude is really fun, man. Very funny.

He reminded me of you. Really? He's like, hey, I'm Jimmy John. I'm Jimmy John. I guess I'm birth personality right there. Yeah. All right, so dinner, what are you gonna do for dinner? You're going steak.

Yeah. I mean, what are we doing for dinner tonight? I have multiple options. What was you getting a little bit of a remind me? All right, hold on. If I was smart, I'd pace myself with drinking. Okay, hold on, hold on. I'm so fucking hungry right now. We have

So one is a steakhouse, I believe. Okay, and Take it and the other one. Oh, the other one has like these Is it are they both take houses? What's what? Oh, I could fuck up. I fuck up, but like a stay house, I wanna get, if we're going a bone in ribeye. Okay. And then even on top of that, if it's like a really,

if they have the option, get an additional sampling bone in ribeye. Okay. And then even on top of that, if it's like a really, if they have the option, get an additional sampling of their waigoo if they have that, like slice that up, and then, yeah, I wanna go create. I feel like I'm seducing you. I'm, I'm salivating. I feel like I'm gonna fill a bowl with my salivating. Can we color back?

Yeah. You think she'll answer now? Yeah, she thinks we're done. She probably forgot about it Was she mad for real? I think so Hey, what's up? Oh, yeah, we're still in the podcaster you mad at me Okay, so you came out I came oh by the way I came out of the fridge What I'm fat

What's that mean? I'm gonna like a gay guy comes out of the closet. I came out of the fridge I'm fat like I'm just gonna accept being fat and I'll work on it, but I'm gonna work on all my pace Okay, so same is always God damn it What's that? Goddamn it. Nothing's changed. Got it. Ten four.

Status quo. Hey, what would you, real quick, real quick, just hammer it through. Favorite meals, breakfast, lunch, and dinner? What are your favorite meals, breakfast, lunch, and dinner? Ideal meal for breakfast. What would you have? Gravy and biscuits. Gravy and biscuits.

Oh, gravy and biscuits is a great one. Okay, lunch. Lunch? Graving biscuits. Oh, Graving biscuits is a great one. Okay lunch lunch Good question for lunch maybe Like a really good sandwich like Tom was saying like a good Italian sandwich Yeah, like a really good sandwich like that. Yeah And then what dinner favorite dinner option favorite dinner option I love primary of with mashed potatoes and

Crane spinach. That's a really good burger like a really good burger. It could do me right to yeah, yeah So so you know Tom gave me my birthday present and it's this charter jet I didn't know that yeah, he's paid for this part of charter jet that's taking me around the universe and I'm staying at the four seasons and it's been pretty outrageous and I just want you to know that for Tom's birthday next year I'm gonna have to roughly spend around a hundred thousand dollars. You guys are so stupid. I don't know why you guys do that. It's so goofy. I mean, it's fun. I get it. You're having fun. That's awesome.

So, all right. And then, and then we want you and Christina to do it for each other too. Uh, but I'm not like that. Like I don't, I don't. You should start high and then work, you should start high and then work cheaper. I don't I don't you should start high and then work you should start high and then work cheaper But I don't even know what expensive stuff is like I wouldn't even know where to start Yeah, I know The problem is I don't think like that if you were gonna get Tom if you were gonna spend if you were gonna spend a hundred thousand dollars on Tom's birthday What would you get him? No idea

Maybe a watch. Oh my god. She gonna say what? No idea. All right. I love you, baby. I'll talk to you later. Oh my god, she gonna say what? No idea. All right, I love you, baby. I'll talk to you later, okay? Love you, too. Bye. Um, I was being so good not eating today.

As I had a beer this morning, but I was just a rounded around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And now I'm going to- What time was the beer at? Uh, when they came into my room, I don't know. I think I didn't know. I had to have a COVID test. Uh. Do they, the bear at five when they came into my room. I don't know I think I didn't I had to have a covid test. They do they My room was people just walked into my room and nurse walked in my room

I was laying in bed still sleeping. They covid tested me It was fucking Peter just organized everything and then they came over the beer and I was like I had to get up and Open the door for the guy and he was like cider. I was like, okay And I got in the shower is gonna go down to the sauna. I think the steam room probably in COVID is not a bad idea. Is COVID over now? Oh yeah. It just feels like, it feels like people are doing things like,

like, then you kind of wondered, was COVID real? Yeah. Because like, like, we all have to, like, as you're walking around streets, you're like, so I wasn't around to walk around streets. But it's okay now, like, it's kind of, woo-han. Woo-han.

Yeah. Fauci. Yeah. What? I don't know. So one of the cool things that I'm doing on the road also is finding a lot, my mouth is watering, dude. Are you sure you wanna wait till dinner?

I don't know, I'm gonna have to do something any what you got pizza on top of your fridge the What one of the things I've been doing is getting excited for a meal in that city. Yeah, so like Detroit It was your mom spaghetti. Yeah That M&M has and so I just started talking about it going like I'm ready to try it and then your mom spaghetti I think we just ordered it. They're social media teams not the greatest. What how how is it? It's fucking awesome. What's different about it? It you know what it I got to be honest with you It tasted like You made it yesterday and we're eating it today

Like you know sometimes you get spaghetti and it's like it's almost like the it today. Like you know sometimes you get spaghetti and it's like it's almost like the the sauce spaghetti bowl and yes like I love spaghetti and it had great meatballs in it and it had a piece but the best part my god damn it man I'm salivating is they made spaghetti sandwiches really yeah I've never even had what is that it was fucking two pieces of of Italian bread like like a like garlic toast with spaghetti crammed inside it, and it was fucking awesome. And I was like, dude, you know what? I might have to come out as fat.

They're made of spaghetti sandwich, and it was fucking great. And I was like, this is exactly what I wanted. And so when you go to a place and you go, what do they know for like Chicago? We got deep dish pizza. And then I found out what Detroit pizza is. What is, which is? Detroit pizza. Is that cheese on the bottom?

Yes. And it's so fucking good. Jeff Tate was telling me this, is cheese first. Cheese first. So now that's that's the one right there. Just a choice of pizza. When we were in Detroit. And the sauce sausage on top dude

It was so fucking good that I'm like shit That I mean I couldn't stop eating it and I was going on stage Tom I was going on stage and I had to lose full belly full belly Extended my stomach hurt. I'm drinking wine and I'm just like yeah You're mine. I was like, I can't help it. That is stupid. You had to open the belt, Loubsum. What's different styles of pizza, Nadav?

Like, what, like, because you got Chicago, you got New York. Yeah. You got Detroit. Neapolitan, right? What's that one? Well, that's like the original pizza, the Italian style. Okay. Eight styles of pizza. See, Sicilian Greek pizza. St. Louis pizza's white. I've had St. Louis pizza. It's white. It's like, it's like, it's like, it's got like white.

Type in St. Louis pizza. Type in St. Louis pizza. Yeah, it's like it's like it's like a white. Can someone help me fucking use better words? That's not it, go up, go up, go up, go up. One to the right, one to the right, right to the right. That thing, yeah. It's like a weird creamy sauce. Well look at the actual description. Yeah, like not the image go back to the internet

And say there you go Very thin cracker like crusty without yeast the comment cheese Okay squares All right, it's almost like it's almost like Go back to the different pizza styles, but I never knew about Detroit style pizza. And then I'm like, whoa, hold on. Like, you know, a Chicago hot dog, I gotta have a Chicago hot dog when I'm in Chicago.

Wait, do you have all this when you were there? Oh yeah. Hello, were you there? I was in Chicago for a night. As Chicago hot dog, I had an Italian dip, sandwich, one port, portellos, and I had deep-dish pizza, and I had a steak. Oh my god.

Dude, I woke up the next morning, and I ate a whole thing of cream spinach by myself at like seven in the morning, just sitting in the boss going, I'm fat. Wait a minute, can we just put the brakes on this for a moment? Yeah. Can we space out a little bit of your crazy eating a little bit?

For what? Just because I want you to make sure you're healthy, you know, okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. By the way, I'm gaining weight from a movie. You are? Yeah, well, I already shot the movie. I just want to watch it and think I look skinny. That's a good joke.

Do you like when you watch the movie or are you like, oh, I look skinny or there? Oh, I look so skinny in the movie. Really? Oh, I'm like, the things I didn't like, oh, I look skinny or there? Oh, I look so skinny in the movie. Really? Oh, I'm like, the things I didn't like about myself, I go, that's not that bad. Is it, how much weight difference is there between? I don't know, I didn't have a scale over there, but I'm thinking probably legit, probably 15 pounds.

Okay. Like, I was probably 240, which is fat as fuck, but I'm like, and it's so funny, I watched the movie with, you know, my cousin Andrew the other day, and I'm like, and it's so funny, I watch the movie with my cousin Andrew the other day, and I'm like, I look fucking jack right there. He started laughing, goes, you think? I said, no, like I look skinny, he goes, you look wet.

I don't know if you look skinny, but yeah, it's, you say you look fucking jacked. I look jacked, dude, my tits look better in the movie, my shoulders are fucking yoked, my arms are working, you know, I, the day before I got hurt on this movie, I have video of this.

I did 50 push ups in a row. Did you really? 50 push ups in a row, and I know, because I was with this dude in the movie and his character is in shape, and so we have weights out there for whenever he had to do his scenes. And I was like, and I would do him.

And then I was like, I'm in pretty good shape right now. I bet I could do 50 push ups. And he's like, there's no way you could do 50 push ups. And the camera came over my social media team. And I did 50 push ups. And the first person I said, I said, I read it and weep, Tommy. Cause I was like, 50 push ups in a rose top.

That's impressive. And the legit push ups, not the Mark Wahlberg. Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da 25240 went right before the movie. That's my goal. I wrote that in my goals I want to get my arm back to doing put put you know, bunching you had it. Yeah Okay, uh, why don't we wrap this up? I have so much more to talk to you about I feel like yes Yes, yes, let's try it. Don't forget what we want to talk about. I got a pee and we should and I'm gonna go lift weights Okay, uh, thanks for watching. Love you. Happy birthday. Thank you very much. I love you very much. Love you too Thanks for watching. Love you. Happy birthday. Thank you very much. I love you very much. Love you too. No scripts to be the booze amateur for topology. Dirty jokes, ronti humor, no apologies. Here's what we call to Bears 1K.