2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 110 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: December 6, 2021

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Yeah, I look like more like hip hop and you look more. More, hey kids, stop throwing the balls down the lanes. I think you're more like a guy in jail, but in the 1950s movie. Do you know? Yeah. Let's talk about jail. Yeah. I've been a little fascinated by jail. A guy in jail, but in the 1950s movie, you know, Let's talk about jail. Yeah, I've been a little fascinated by jail it. You're been arrested You don't know if you've been arrested. No, I've never never been arrested in books I've been handcuffed and put in the back of a car before yeah, but I've never been arrested me too

You've been never been arrested never been arrested been put in the back of a car before. Do you think that's the next form of privilege of people going like, going like, oh yeah, but you've never been arrested, check your privilege. You're like, oh, shut up, you're never arrested. Yeah, man. You're never been arrested, you want to jail. It's what's a jail?

Yeah, before. Sotomizing a child, no kidding. No, she's, she, uh, do you know what I'm saying? How old? 17? It's a good age, a good one. You know, maybe a little over, no, no, probably older, her uncle was in jail with her.

Isn't that crazy? He was also arrested? Yeah, her one, I think. That is a cute little hat. You like it? It doesn't fit my head very well. So I have to wear it like cool. It's very cool. Yeah, it's my new style. What did you get put in the back of the it was in Tallahassee?

No, no, I never I almost got put in the back of a cop car in Tallahassee I It was in ninth grade ninth grade. Yeah, and They just opened up this place called Hyde Park and my friends were I think we're breaking into cars. I did not know that. I was unaware of it I thought we were drinking and they were just looking to see if cars were unlocked and And I was oblivious to it. I was totally oblivious to it and they the cops

Came like over by the movie theater the cops came up to us and my friends ran, and I didn't run, so I was like, I didn't do anything. And then they were like, all right, hands on the wall. And then they frisked us, and I was like, what is this for? And they're like, you were breaking into cars. I was like, no, it wasn't. And then they handcuffed me, put me in the back of a cop car.

And my dad's, one of my dad's friends walked by and saw me in the back of the cop car. He's like, bird are you okay? And I was like, I didn't do anything. And then they let me go. I was like, I really didn't do anything. Yeah. But do you ever think about going to jail?

Do you think there'd be a point where you'd start going, hey man, this is what it is, you know? Fuck it. Yeah. After a while, sure. But it wouldn't be right away. I'd have a panic attack. I got accidentally locked in a jail cell in Alcatraz.

And they closed it and they locked it and it broke and they were like, oh, we're having a hard time getting it open. On a tour? No, it was a private tour. It was when I worked on a travel channel and I had a fucking full blown panic attack. Yeah.

Do you think you'd care about your weight in prison? Mm. Like, do you think you'd be like, I just want to get in shape. Or do you think you'd be like, it might be a thing that you really latch onto because you gotta find something to motivate you and you might be so unmotivated in prison.

I would love to talk to an unmotivated prisoner. There's a few who's just like, you find him. He's like, no man, I don't even shower anymore. Yeah, for sure, keep your ass all shitty so that no one wants to fuck it. Do you think, do you think, she was crazy and Alcatraz,

they didn't have showers, they just had baths? Did you read that thing when I got the, when I did the Alcatraz tour, they were too, they took us to the infirmary. Yeah. And they showed us they're like, they said Alcapone had a beef with this one guy. And this guy had, just had surgery. So Capone went up to him while

he was recovering. And that, you know, he was like, this is like the fucking thirties or whatever, right? He goes, Capone tickled his feet so that the guy would move even though he was like, stop, stop, I don't want to,, I don't wanna move, you know, I'm just recovering from the surgery. And then, and then the guy like started, I was asking him, stop stop and then Capone punched him in the stomach. She look, can I say it was crazy? I got such a, stories written there.

It's written in there? Yes. That's so crazy. I got such a different story about Al Capone. Being there? We did a private tour and I was like, they say he's a son of a bitch. I got a very different story.

Really? Yes. They said to me, his syphilis had kicked in so heavy that he was fucking useless. He'd cry. And he'd shuffle his feet and he had one eye that was frozen in one direction. That's at the very end. No, that's when he got to Alcatraz. They were like, yeah, and he'd shuffle his feet and he had one eye that was frozen in one direction. That's at the very end.

No, that's when he got to Alcatraz. They were like, yeah, and he gave up and he told the prison guy, he told the warden, and by the way, I just listened to that thing on Alcatraz, so I'm trying to think I'm mixing both of them. But they both tours made Alcatraz Alcapone. Alcatraz. Alcatraz. It is called Alcatraz. It is Alcatraz. Alcapone. Alcapone. Do you think they're like Alcapone Alcatraz Alcatraz It is called Alcatraz Alcapone Alcapone

Do you think they're like Alcapone? You're going to Alcatraz I think they probably did No and so like the story is I got about Alcapone Did you wait, what did you do this tour? 2005 Oh so you did it with a big group of people I mean yeah I did it with just one guy

Dude it was fucking awesome. It was awesome. And then, and then I called the ghost adventurers, I called Zach Baggins and I was like, Hey, man, I want to get spooked. I want to get really spooked. And he goes, Okay, here's what you do. Separate from everyone, don't tell anyone. Separate from everyone. Go find yourself a place and sit there by yourself and welcome in spirits. So I separate from the group, we're over by, I think we're below the infirmary in solitary confinement,

and I separate from the group, and I go to one of the solitary confinement cells, and I get in, and I shut the door, and I sit in the corner. I go, I'm here, if anyone's in here, come talk to me, and all of a sudden, I see a fucking like a. If anyone's in here, come talk to me. And all of a sudden I see a fucking, like a red beam, like a dunk and I go, oh, get a bug out of here!

And I got chill bumps, I got cold and I got out. And they were like, yeah, yeah, that's the, no, and I was like, I completely felt like I got, I got raped by a ghost. Yeah. By a ghost. I used to feel like I fucked ghosts that when I was a kid.

You used to feel like you fucked them? Yeah, ghosts would fuck me. You feel like the ghosts would fuck you? So when I was a kid, this is, I'm about to sound like a lunatic. When I was a kid, I would get, I would have like almost like, I'm sure I've talked about this somewhere else

because this was a really big thing for me. Yeah. I would get, I was almost like lucid dreaming, and I would notice that I was in my bed, okay? I was in my bed. I would feel myself dreaming that I'm in my bed, and then there would be a very big heaviness on my body, like something was holding me down,

and then always it would start fucking me. And like, it, not fucking me, I would fuck it, but it was like a woman ghost. She would ride my cock and I'd blow loads. In your dream? In, in real life. In real life. And would you finish yourself off?

Nope, it just would happen. It was a nocturnal omission. So that's how my wet dreams were when I was a kid. So it was a dream. It was, yes, it was a no, I think a ghost fucked me. But like, I'm being dead serious. I would have those my, when I had a wet dreams the kid, it was a ghost with like, I would, it was almost like it was like,

Dude, do you ever have a wet dream that was, you thought really was real for a second? Like I remember, I thought I had fucked this girl in high school. That I really wanted to fuck so bad. And in the dream, I'm fucking her, and I bust a nut. And I was like, this is so great. And then I woke up and just felt like such a sad. I'll never get hurt.

Yeah, yeah. The thing is, the woman has a dream about having sex with you. She will fuck you. Right. So there's this girl. There was this girl in college. I think her name was Caroline or something.

I did a photo shoot with this girl. With the girl that you fucked in your dream? Yeah. Okay, see her. We were 17 or 16. But was she on Instagram now? I wonder if we still look like now. Oh, I see what you mean.

I'll look for it, okay. Yeah, I like looking at pictures of, like it's kind of fun when people show you, people they fucked, but now they're the age hour now. Yeah. And then you're like, oh, you dodged the bullet. Yeah, yeah. Or you're like, that's not bad.

I got one, someone texted me the other day and he's like, did you fuck this chick? And I was like, yeah, and he was like, dude, nice. I got one someone texted me other day And it's like did you fuck this chick? And I was like yeah, and he was like dude nice. I had one it came to a show Where I was like real? Yeah, like and I I don't think I hit it much either You know I was like whoo fucking even eating all the clam chowder, huh? I'm trying to when you come out as fat. All right. I'm gonna pull up. I'm gonna pull up I'm gonna pull up chicks that I've had sex with on Instagram What are they doing?

Hey, oh, I got something to show you didn't say hey go to my um go to my Instagram. Oh my god I just realized you just realized what the thing you did to the girl that came to your show the girls I fuck do when they see me They're like then like oh look at this guy. I fucked. They're like whoa God damn it. How big is this face look what I did for you the second one there oh Says a hybrid And there's a there's slides you can go ahead and click the They're different. Oh, that's perfect, Tom.

A different stairwell picks for you. Can I tell you, we almost, I love these. Guess what? There's a whole series of them coming out. Are you serious? Yeah. Just a different stairwells? Yeah, I think that might be a coffee table look.

Tom and stairwells? Yeah. Look at that one, that's my favorite one. I liked when you were doing this with one foot. Oh yeah, yeah. I mean, hey, hey, who's that dude that looks like the black dude? I'm Shine. I'm Shine.

Yeah. He's in Lafayette, I flew there to. For the live show. And a nice. He's very, very cool. I was he? The coolest. Really?

How did you, how did you, can you go to his Instagram, just a bird has an idea of what happens there? Oh, fuck. You can go from my page, like the actual, yeah. Yeah, click him. Mm-hmm. It's in the description there.

There he is, yeah. Uh, so is the same. Those are not the same video. Okay. That's like, we not the same video. Okay. That's like, we upload the same video. No, they're all different videos. What is he doing? Just telling stories, stuff like that.

For real? For real. It's all the same video. No. That day he feels inspired and he put something up, you know. And then sometimes he breaks it up with, hey, let me broke it up there. You know, and then sometimes he breaks it up with, hey, let me broke it up there. You know, interesting.

It's interesting who we follow on Instagram that are very different. All my Instagram, can I see your Instagram suggestions? Oh yeah, like I wanna see how close, well look at this. Oh, fucking the dog. Nara, Nara, Nara has horrible fucking reception. Oh, are we getting horrible reception out here?

Funny, I see pictures on my face. Like this is a big one I get. Anything with holes in it, cause I'm obsessed with those little holes. You do love holes. Any pimple popping, a lot of pimple popping, Puerto Rican dudes getting their beard shaved. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Watches, snow skis, lot of watches. Yeah, a lot of watches, ear stuff coming out of people's ears. Oh, like the ear cleaning stuff? Yeah, that's pretty cool. I can tell you I'm really fascinated by the the the thing going on in online where people don't speak. They just lip sync. You like this? No, no, I find it interesting that they look for something that is how they feel. And then they lip sync how they feel, as opposed to tell you how they feel. Such an interesting representation of art to feel something, right? So you feel like, you feel like,

like you're not for everybody, right? Like you feel that way. And then you go and you find a clip of someone going, just so you know, I'm not for everybody. Then you lip sync yourself going. You know, everybody. Yeah. And then, as opposed to just saying, just so you know, I'm not for it. It's a lot of work to get there.

Yeah, yeah. But maybe there's something in the feeling of, the fact that you're lip-sinking it is telling people other people feel this way. It's not just me, right? So it empowers you to a degree, I think. I don't know. I saw one, it was like a black chick.

It was a white chick, but she was lip-sinking over a black chick's voice. No, we're back to these. And I was like, I was like, mother fucker. I was like, this woman's doing a horrific impression And then I realized oh, it's a lip sync video. It's a lip sync video. There's one woman I follow there's one one I follow that all she does is lip sync videos, but it's like and she's like a millionaire I guess and

From doing that I guess you became a millionaire from lip syncing Yeah, I'm not gonna call her out, I think her husband's famous. So last week you came out as fat and you wanted to talk about fat face versus skinny face. Dude, I gotta be honest with you, I was looking at videos of two bears one cave and I was like, I think I like my face fatter than skinnier.

Really? Yeah, cause I don't think I like my face skinny. How come? I think it just doesn't look healthy. It looks like, like, oh, are you sick? Like that kind of face. Really? Like gawnt? Like, your face looks good skinnier.

Oh, it's way better. Your face is way better skinnier. But I think my face is better skinnier. Oh, it's way better. Your face is way better skinnier. But I think my face is better, fatter. Do you think, pull up a picture of my face skinny, I already have one of my face fat. Is this. Okay. No, that's me as a child.

I'm not saying like a child. I'm saying like, no that no that's me as a child. I'm not saying like a child. I'm saying like no That's a fat face How about that one to the right of that that's skinny that that's a fucking ugly face What are you talking about? I'm not a track. I'm look how big my mouth is you look great there hotly and is you look great there, man What are you talking about you don't think you look great there? Where is that picture from? Which one? Look at your shoulders right there.

That's fat face. I've got impressive shoulder. Okay, how about there? You look kinda skinny there. Yeah, no, I don't know what I'm looking at then. Maybe I'm wrong. I just, I saw pictures of my, of two bears one cave, of me on two bears one cave.

And I have skinny face, and it just looked kinda like... I think you let your kinda thin. No, I'm fat there. No, no, no, up, and to the right, that one. Your thinner there? No, it's still fat face. That's actually, I don't know, maybe I'm wrong,

maybe I'm, maybe I'm just getting old. Maybe it's old face that I'm afraid of. Oh, it's old face. Is that now if I get skinny, I get old face. Yeah, it'll look more wrinkly. It just looks like hangy. The skin will hang more. It looks like girls. Well, that's the thing. If you're old and thin, right? You see it more. The frailty of you and the, if you look how rip you right there, it look great. Yeah, I was jacked. Look, I used to be in great shape. Yeah, I wouldn't say great shape,

but that's a fucking fat face right there. You look so happy though. I was thought I was famous. All right. Yeah, it's before I knew where I wanted my, let go scroll down, scroll down, scroll down. That's a fucking, you're not finding them. Find a, all these are fat face, I think.

Go to, look, if you go to, if you go to, do you remember the ones I just showed you of, God damn it, God damn it in the dove. Yeah. I, nothing. There you go. That is pretty skinny right there, man. Yeah, that skinny face, and I don't like it. You do look older.

Oh, fuck. Maybe I need filler. Huh? Will you go get some filler? Yeah, if I don't like, if I don't like old face. By the way, maybe I just don't like my face. I need, you know what I need? I need a chemical peel. I have so much skin damage on my face.

From a sun? Yeah. Wonder what I'm going to shave my head. Oh, like this? Yeah. That's when I'm going to, you know, I'm going to bump into the look old immediately. I'm going to go from youthful and spry to-

Youthful and spry. What the fuck happened to that guy? Just from shaving the head? Oh, when I shaved the head, it's gone. It's coming to shave the head and shaved the beard. I'm just gonna look like a dude in a prison riot that goes first. Yeah. Just if I had shaved, I just had a paying attack thinking

how horrible I'd feel if I woke up and I had no beer and no hair. What if I got alopecia and I had no beard, no hair and I had to start, that's how you lose weight. That's how you lose weight. Arnold Schwarzenegger used to wear short shorts when he was working on legs days so we could show his legs off so he'd be like self-conscious, motivated. This is what I'm doing.

In May, I should do it now. I should shave my beard on my face, my head, everything. Shave my whole body bald. And I will hate it so much that I'll just go. It's not a bad idea actually. It's not a bad idea at all. It's not a bad idea. That's not a bad idea at all.

It's just people, and then people will watch my standup instead of laughing at her. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Put a shirt on, put on a mask. just people and then people will watch my standup and instead of laughing out here. Ugh! Put a shirt on, put on a mask! Ha! Put on a mask and a hat and a shirt! Put gloves on, those handers disgusting! This is really actually a, it is a good idea. So you see how much you hate yourself.

When you shaved my beard at one time, I don't like the guy under here. Right. The guy under here? He's either. By the way, if you took all the things off, I do the razzle dazzle myself. Yeah. I don't like that guy. Like I don't I'm not attracted to him. I think he's disgusting. I know TV secrets about him. Like what? What kind of razzle dazzle are you talking about? Shave me bald. Yeah. No cool sneakers, no nice watch, no nice shirt,

no nothing, no nothing. You'd hate your ass. I get prison clothes. Yeah. This is a genius idea. It is the prison weight loss system, okay? Yeah. You, we're talking about prison,

we're talking about motivation. You shave off all your hair, all your beard, everything. Shave your eyebrows off too. Oh my God, why do you go shave them? Because you want to be disgusted by yourself. Okay. You want to be fully disgusted by yourself. Okay? You shave your whole body, your pubic hair, everything.

And you, I'm so repulsed by the idea of doing this to myself that it's working. And then you put mirrors everywhere. Mirrors are everywhere in your room and you wake up and all you can see is yourself. And you're fridge all inside your fridge is mirrors. Oh, there's mirrors on the outside of your fridge.

And the kitchen has all mirrors everywhere. And you will fucking lose weight. I'm doing it. I'm gonna shake my head in my beard. I know, I'll tell you the first time I- I'm gonna shake my head in my fucking beard. I'm gonna shake my head in my beard. And I'll fucking guarantee you- What'd you do right now?

Because I could dinner tonight. Sorry. I'm fucking stuck. You really will do it? I'm trying to think when, if I can get a break. What? He's pitching like doing it on a live show. Yeah, yeah.

I really have to take your shit, we're gonna have to stop and it's not like that. I gotta go shave my ass hole. Listen, that is a, it's actually a very good idea. Can I tell you the first time, the first time that I was really fat and that I was motivated to lose weight, was seeing my face in a side mirror in college. Really? I was a passenger. I remember where I was. We were on this road and it was a Sunday.

And so my friend was, you know Sunday, like we party Saturday night, so you go out. Yeah. On Sunday to just like You know you're hungover get some like food or something I'm looking out the passenger door Just like on some road whatever and I caught a like when my head came back in the car I caught a glimpse of myself in the side mirror and I and I tried to avoid it and I was like oh no just like look at it. I know to avoid it. And I was like, oh no, just like look at it.

It was like that. I was like, oh, you're so fucking disgusting. Dude, when you shaved my beard off, I woke up the next morning and forgot I didn't have a beard. And I went into the bathroom and I saw me and I felt bad for him. I was like, oh buddy, I haven't seen you in a long time. And he was looking at me.

I was like, I'm so sorry that I did this to you. And then he's like, he's just looking at me back going, man, what happened? Has this been going on the whole time? And he didn't tell me, and I was like, yeah, I should have told you. He's like, we're skinny right now. And I was like, we are the skinniest we've ever been. And he's like, what are we going to do? And I was like, I think we're just going to grow the beard back and just

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Today to get 15% off your entire raycon order buy raycon.com slash bears I mean, it sucks women can't grow beards. I know Wonder how what percentage of text you think would it increase if they could put on whatever their beard is you ever see like a porn star Who puts your shirt in the middle and you're like yeah? Yeah, yeah sure you're cold. All right, whatever someone got stretch marks What is that is that is that what do you guys think it is a C-section scar? No, yeah, it's a I Watch the chick fuck this morning. I'll pull her up. You watch porn today. I jerked off this morning What? Nothing okay? I Watched I watched this porn today. What's the was it?

Do you search for this or whatever you stumble on this was don't I love that it the title was don't come on my skirt Okay, I don't know come on my stomach. Careful where you come. Yeah, but this is what's interesting about her, right? Is that she kept her, we fuckin' Annie's, she kept her dresser, she took her tube top off and just wore it around her stomach and I was like, who are we kidding here? Yeah.

Let's see. I kinda wanna see the broken part of you. And I was like, who are we kidding here? Yeah. Like just, let's see. I kind of want to see the broken part of you. Like, you know, like that's the sexy part is, when, when he shows you her flaw, and like, like, okay, like, you know, like, so both our wives have had kids. Yeah. And I don't mind Leanne's flaws.

What I love about them is they're almost like a security deposit on her not going to anyone else. Is that how, when you guys grow numb nervous, but can you imagine can you hear me out? Keep going. Can you imagine Christina having sex with someone else and going, oh, yeah, let's just let's just go crazy as opposed to her going like, like, Leanne, if Leanne was going to sex someone else, there's a lot of, there's a lot of the fact that I love her body and I love what she looks like. Some fucking 22 year old kid would be like,

she, I don't think she feel comfortable getting naked in front of a fucking 29 year old dude, another grown man, like, you know what I mean? Does that make sense? I mean. What? Is there anything Christina's insecure about? Sure.

Okay. Do you think that she would be comfortable sharing that insecurity with a stranger? I mean, I think it's a case-by-case basis, right? Like most of us have. Like, you tell me, my insecurities, I have tons of insecurities, and you're saying, would you be comfortable sharing

with a stranger? I would say, your go-to answer is probably no. Yeah, okay. The reality is it is like case by case. Could you, could you fuck a stranger right now? Like legit fuck a stranger. Like no, like everyone's like, everyone's like, everyone's like, like okay, we go out to dinner tonight.

The hostess, they call up and they're like, hey, we have a phone call for Tom Saguira can you need to take it in the back in the cooler? And so you go back in the cooler and then it's the phone. And they're like, okay, your wife has been diagnosed with amnesia. And anything that happens in the next two days, she will never know about. And it's, but we're gonna need you to come home like in like 45 minutes. Because her amnesia is pretty bad. And then they go, and you go, thank you doctor, and you hang up. And then this girl goes, you're in the cooler with her.

She's just waiting to get the phone back from you. And she's like, I'm a huge fan, Tom. And you're like, oh, thank you. And she doesn't know about the conversation and she goes, actually, you're my cheat, my get out of jail. I'm allowed to have sex with one guy. And I was with this guy for a long time and you were that guy, but now I'm single.

And she's like, yeah. And she goes, what's the conversation about? And you're like, my wife's been diagnosed with amnes'm single and she's like, yeah, and she does what's the conversation about you like my wife's been diagnosed with amnesia And she's like, oh my god, so anything that happens in this cooler, she'll never know about right now She's hot, okay, and she looks like this girl She looks like this girl This she looks like this girl, uh-huh, okay Right, do what would you be would you know what I say next? Yeah bend over stupid My wife was diagnosed with amnesia

Amnesia amnesia amnesia. Let's see the girl again I know who who skirt I'm not coming on This is her she has great tits. They're real. She's got, she's rushing, by the way. Yeah, the Simmons be ganglion, the whole fucking clip. And I was like, if the girl and the coolers like that, it's even better. Oh my God. Don't come on my skirt. Yeah, she seems pretty cool. Yeah, like, I mean, what if you're in the same scenario, what would you say? I would be, she's young and she's hot. Right. Body's perfect.

She's like, I'm such a big fan of yours. I'm so sorry to hear that Leanne's got that usual week. Yeah. Is there anything I can do to help comfort you? Yeah. I'd be like, oh, fuck. In my head, my first thought of my head is I'm going to come way too fast. I don't want to share that embarrassment with a stranger. Like I'd rather, I like having sex with Leanne, if I fuck up, she's

not gonna call me on it. You know? Like she's actually said, wow this is taking actually long for you. I'm like, I don't get to it. But it kind of would be cool of you to tell this person that and maybe should be like, it's okay. Would it be, would it take you longer in my mouth? I think I realized this is my hang up. This is my hang, I don't have sex with people because I'm afraid to show them what I look like naked and what I do naked. Like I've never been good at sex.

And so this is my hang up. Now I'm saying that I was like, I think Leanne's really comfortable with her body I bet she'd be like I don't give a fuck you want a fuck. Let's get down It's caller and find out That's a bad idea. It's a bad idea. Yeah. I wonder if I did the same Charlottesville you did The Paramount Theater in Charlottesville. I did I Did Charlottesville West Virginia? Is that a is that a Charlottesville? I don't know. I did Charlottesville Virginia.

There's probably more than one. Really? You said yours went perfectly. The second show went. It was wild because you just don't usually see it in theater. It's a small theater and it's old theater. It's 90 year old theater. Yeah.

So the acoustics are crazy good. And there isn't a bad seat in the house They're really right up in West Virginia. I really sure let's build West Virginia Keep going Yeah, so it's like it's really tight. It's like it's right. They're right up on you I love it. Those are like those are great. They're they're fun So I was doing the late show on Sunday. So there's two shows who two shows on a Sunday and everyone's got to work on a Monday Someone's moving some tickets.

It was a good little fun thing to do. And we routed it with the rest of Virginia Run, which was Norfolk and Richmond. So anyway, the late show, I hear a little routiness, which is not that unusual. And then I do hear a guy heckle Jeff Tate, like just for a second, and I hear him say something back. But I know that's oil and water.

Jeff Tate and Charlotte Spill. Yeah, he, because Charlotte Spill's where they had the race riots, right? That's where the, yeah, that's where the, everything, I'm sure they're super excited that that's how I know them. Well, they know, they know that that's what, yeah, you know them. Typen, things, interesting things

to do in Charlottesville. Let's see what else they're known for. Okay. Let's try, let's let's change the branding of that city, because I bet that city is not filled with just horrible people. No. It's just, it's just a bunch of horrible people showed up to that city and behave like lunatics. Yeah. That's right. Most of them came and ruined things for that. University of Virginia's there. UV. Oh, oh wait, I thought that was an enrichment. No, the one that you know is in Charlottesville. Oh really?

Yeah. Okay. So it looks beautiful. It is, it is kind of a thing. There's great vineyards in Charleston. I didn't know. There's a historic downtown mall. A Charlottesville.

Charlottesville. There's a lot of vineyards in Charlottesville. It's known for their vineyards. There you go. There you go Charlottesville. By the way, I had a Charlottesville. I want to perform a Charlottesville now. Did you enjoy the city? Yeah, I went over to Chris Long's studio, you know. Chris Long lives in Charlottesville? Yeah. And we went. How bad can it be?

It was great. We went to UBA, right? Yeah. Yeah. We watched football and then he came to the show, he came to this late show. Oh, did he really? And what kind of, what character am I doing?

Oh, did he really? Yeah. Okay, I'm in a morning, I'm in a morning TVU. Okay, okay. So Chris Long, did you guys talk football? Yeah, we did what did you guys eat you guys two pig fellows, right? Yeah, yeah, he had some Burger King Hit Burger King for real he did yeah You came out as fat. He has he has he has the opposite problem that we have the scene shape

Without trying like he's like I got it. He's a genetic monster though, right? He's in shape without trying. Like he's like, I gotta ease the key. He's a genetic monster though, right? He's how we long son. Yeah. Yeah. But he's a picture. He's a picture. Look at how we long now.

How we long is what when my dad, how long is how we long? How we long went to Villanova? He is 61 years old. Look at this mother. How we long is better looking now than he was when he played football? I know it's insanity look at that That's that's genetics how many kids the how-it-long have I bet how-it-long had the perfect life

But I still married the same woman I bet and I bet she looks like a fucking dime No offense Chris long. I don't mean to I don't mean to talk about your mom like that But I bet she's type up. I want to know more about how-it-long. This is the fucking man. Yeah 61 years old. God damn it six five spouse Mary the 1982 to Dana Diane On Italian woman so they always ate good That is on you big amoebauls in the how-e-long family

Type in how long let's see how many kids he got looks like it's got three God damn it they'll play pro football Did how are you junior? I know Kyle and Chris. I don't know how or junior I don't know I'm good story. I have a good story about how we long you do that I can't tell on Eric's It's it's not appropriate because but but As it's a story. It's a very good story about what a good guy he is a good person he is, but it's not appropriate, but it's a story, it's a very good story about what a good guy he is, a good person he is. But it's not appropriate.

He stood up, let me just say, he stood up for, he stood up for, I can't say, I don't get it. All right, so, okay, didn't pull up, I've been sure Chris Long, shirtless. Oh, dude, shirtless. You're really gonna feel like shit. Here, hold on. Oh my God.

Oh, he's got abs? That's not him. If I am. He's a good kid. Yeah. How's all this Chris Long? Him right there, is that, no, who's that there? He's a good kid. Yeah. How tall is Chris? Am I there? Is that? No, who's that there? I don't know who that is. He's in the top 15 hottest NFL players. I don't know.

Yeah, he's about six four and I don't know. I don't know what he weighs now, but he's probably like 240 to 50, but not like us So you guys eat Burger King. No, I didn't eat any burger. He ate Burger King What do you have for Burger King? This makes my dick hard. Uh I think he had a Whopper some chicken strips and fries Yeah, I'll a Whopper. You want a Whopper? I want a Whopper so bad. They're so good. On a wapper. You want a wapper? I want a wapper so bad they're so good. You're on right now? I'm on right now.

I want a wapper right now. Fucking, I want a double wapper with cheese. I think you have to. Yeah. How do we genetically steal his jeans? It's gonna be tough. If they said, you could, if they said, yes, you can blood swap.

Okay, I'd do it. With one man. Oh, definitely take one. And what will happen is, you're not gonna look exactly like him. But you'll see your body start morphing a little bit into that man's body. What man do you think, very carefully about this?

Because you're getting everything. Did you go with this, they're dead. I might, we might have to hold how we long down in a hotel room. Yeah. And fucking draw his blood. What the fuck are you two doing? You take his bone marrow and shit. Yeah. Bone marrow.

I'm so sorry, howie. Howie, I gotta. Yeah, definitely. Sorry, man. It also takes four more people. Which is Chris long never talking about his dad like like what it was What kind of parenting he did? Oh, I think they have a great relationship. Yeah Yeah, they seem like a pretty close how long went to Villanova right how we long? Yeah, I don't remember

I think you went to Villanova because my dad was obsessed with how we long really was the only football player to ever come out of Villanova How we long? Villanova. All right. How are we long? Villanova comes up oddly enough. You're telling me Villanova and how he long shows up? How are we long college? He wrote. Here you go. He went to How are we long college?

Long played college football at Villanova. Yep. Yeah. God damn it. He didn't get married too early. Right? How old was he when he got married? Pulled a picture, I'm sorry, I'm very sorry, Chris Long.

Never mind, dog was gonna pull a picture of Chris Long's mom. I bet she's fucking gorgeous. I bet she's gorgeous. I bet she's gorgeous. God damn it. Okay. Right now, Chris Long is like, I'm looking through this episode off. Does he listen to our show?

I don't know. How do you know? He listens to our show. No, he's great, dude. He really is a great guy. But wait, so I'm on the show. I can't believe we fucking... We should get all our celebrity football player friends together Sweet Tom let's Tom you ready for this

Let's throw a celebrity football player two bears one cave party and we don't tell any of them that they're all coming right But we invite all of them together like it starts off very casual with guys who forgot their football players, right? We start with Pat McAfee and was said hey, I'm like hey, you forgot Like he's done so much other stuff now. Okay. He'll be like hey, what's up? And then we're like hey great them in AJ hit Hawk walks in and he's like hey, AJ I didn't know you guys are telling him here. He's like hey Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and then we go and then Aaron Rogers walks in and we're like and they're like Oh, Aaron and then right now they haven't realized what's happening, right? Yeah, then Aaron's walks in and we're like, and they're like, oh, Aaron. And then right now they haven't realized what's happening. Right?

Then Aaron, Roger's walks in and he's like, hey, AJ, hey, what's up? Was this a podcasting thing? Then Chris Long walks in and they're like, hold on. Did you justify football players? We're like, we're in SAP, what the fuck are you doing here? We see them and we can fight until they're like, all right, and then by the end,

they're crying laughing, going to the mock up, Martingra, a-matica! A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh, that would be so funny because every time that you had a knock on the door, everyone would be like, alright, who is it? I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I It'll be fucking great. Okay. You have to drink it all today. I haven't. I'm waiting for dinner. Although it's pretty much five o'clock.

Do you want to drink? Do you want to drink? Oh, you got to drive. Um, that's true. How many celebrity football players can we invite to our, uh, to our celebrity football player dinner? I mean, I don't know that I know if I know okay. I know Johnny Hacker. We got him Whitmore for the oh

Yeah, Rams yeah Rams We get a couple Rams We got we got all offensive offensive linemen for the Packers. Oh, dude, let's do a celebrity football player dinner. Dinner? Yeah, and we just don't tell them. We got it, well, I guess they're knowing now. I guess they're not now. Let me get the invite.

I think I know what I'm going. What else are we doing in the dinner? I want it to be good. Yeah. I don't want it, but it's the fucking football players are going to eat like fucking savages. I mean the bill we're going to split. Yeah, Burger King. How about Burger King? Burger King. Yeah. And we get hooters. Hooters. Do you want to do the dinner on the plane? Yes. Yes. Oh, fuck yes. Oh, that would be so much fun. It would be almost like that professional airline,

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month of online therapy at betterhelp.com slash bears. That's betterhelp.com slash bears. You's better HELP.com slash bears. You're blue eyes. Do I? You do. Yeah. I never noticed that. Really? Yeah. I thought I was the one with the good eyes and then you got second place but they're blue. I didn't know that. I thought you had brown eyes. This whole time. I just literally just said oh my god he's like, you're looking nice. I'm gonna have beautiful eyes. What color eyes are Chris long of?

I don't know. All right, ready? I'm gonna try to remember Aaron Roger's eyes. The brown. The brown? Pope Aaron Roger's eyes. Oh Other hazel are they hazel? No, no, no, what color eyes does Aaron Rogers have Go to the images and the dovia good the image is zoom in

No, no wait, was he a green eyes? The blue he's got blue eyes. Oh, Ied up. Okay, let's do other people. Ready? What color eyes does Joe Rogan have? Brown. Brown. He's got a brown, brown. Okay, well, pull up Joe Rogan's eyes. Let's do this to everybody. Those are dark, right? Those are brown. Are they brown? They're brown.

Okay, okay. Ready? What I'm going to try to think of someone and see if you can remember what color eyes they have. Um. What color eyes does Pat McAfee have? I really don't know. Isn't that crazy that you don't pay attention to the color eyes? Yeah.

Pat McAfee's got to have blue eyes. Like he seems, I'm being racist right now, but he just feels like he got blue eyes with his personality. Oh, I thought you made him because he was fair skin and... Well, yeah, that's what I really meant to say, but... Pat McAfee, brown eyes, blue eyes, right? Blue eyes.

No. Zoom in. Go to the picture and then zoom in. Zoom in, go to the picture and then zoom in. Brown eyes, God damn it. That? He's got gray eyes, what is he, a wolf? That, why don't you call him real quick?

I'll find out what color his eyes are real quick. Yeah Okay, you ready for this. Yeah, this is my new favorite thing to do that I just discovered right now and This is my new favorite thing to do. Oh Okay, you ready. Yeah, this is my new favorite thing to do FaceTiming people. But the way this is an aggressive FaceTimepall. It's super aggressive. My face is really fat. He's just gonna answer him, I go, oh blue, never mind and hang on.

Hey, put the phone. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry nope. Why? Because I'm not he's not we're not friends like that yet We got to do some fun guy stuff You know you swimming together. Okay ready close your eyes. We'll color war and saps eyes round, okay Okay close your eyes. What color Dave she balls?

Brown okay, do there any black people blue eyes? Type in black guy blue eyes The origin of black people whoa holy fuck Oh my god That's wild that is fucking awesome You really don't see it often. Oh you you don't see it off of it at all. We'll do it with contacts, you know, but who is this woman? Go up, go up. Look at this child. Go up, go up, go up, keep going.

This woman, this actress, Sydney Black. Yeah, right there. Holy fucking shit. You just hit the link. Addresses, oh they're not real. Well we don't know. No, no, that's what it says. She's addressing the comments about getting about being black with blue eyes being black with blue eyes. Why was someone fucking because because people are probably assuming that it's not natural. You know, that is like weird. Well, it's like I just like zoom in on the on the text that is.

piercing blue eyes. Yeah, the brown skin bright blue eyes stunner has faced out about her eye color from the moment She's kept in the salt social media scene after countless videos and posts addressing it commentary still can't help but fit scroll I'm sure we're just piling on no, I'm just trying to you brought it up. I'm yeah She has mesmerized viewers for the years with her icy blue eyes many of them are rude ignorant comments Okay Well, as many of them are rude, ignorant comments. Okay. Her mom's got one blue eye. Oh, fuck!

Look at her mom, that's awesome! Oh my God, I would love to have one blue eye, one brown eye. Okay. Oh my God, is that real? That's crazy! Heterochromia. I think you got it. Which means she has two, that's what her mother has,

two different eye colors. Okay. Well, we don't really understand the origin of this, but we got it which means she has to that's what her mother has two different eye colors Okay, well, we don't really understand the origin of this but got it heterochromia type in heterochromia I want to see more blue-eyed brown-eyed people that's fucking awesome Dude that is so much better than just having two blue eyes Oh my god look at that kid look at the kid that looks like a villain of this kid. Yeah Holy shit, that's awesome you like that What if there was a pill you could take to like increase the blueness in your eyes would you take it? Yeah, yeah, right? Of course who are blue eyes the best color eyes?

I'm right? Of course. Who are blue eyes the best color eyes? Um. I'm going to say, yeah, type in best eye color to have. It's got to be blue. It's opinions, but I mean, it's opinions of everyone like everyone thinks. Hazel oh fuck off. Let me see Hazel eyes. I've never seen what's Hazel's green, right? Well, it looks like Hazel and green. let me see Hazel eyes I've never seen what's Hazel is green right? Well it looks like Hazel and green that would be different Hazel let me see Hazel eyes. Oh Shit you got to get up close to them, but shit whoa what the fuck are those Hazel eyes how do you get Hazel eyes? What do you mean? Is that a big thing?

Type in percentage of people that have blue eyes, brown eyes, and hazel eyes. But this is amazing content, right? Me just going, what the fuck? There you go. That's the foot. Okay. There we go. Percentage people with hazel eyes.

That's very low. Percent? That's very low percent that's very low five percent Yeah, percentage of people blue eyes. It's got to be I'm gonna say I'm gonna say 35 Oh Dude 10%ers. I'm pretty special Nice one. Shut up, man. Wow. 8%? Oh, that's a cheap code. What? I just realized I was like,

they're just talking about people. So you got all of Africa, no one's got them. You got all of Asia, no one's got them. You've got all of, you got Sweden where there's going to be a bunch. Yeah. So that kind of stupid.

Are you gonna hear the rest of the Charlottesville story? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I forgot. Yeah, tell me about the artisanals. Okay, so let me paint the picture. Chris Long's wearing sunglasses. So you don't know what color I, he's eating cheeseburgers, nothing right, and you're

back. And you're out there and you're doing you're like, white guy stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Someone's like, someone's like, I thought this guy saved us. I had for a reason. He's not talking about what I want to hear. It's probably like, I'm thinking like 25 minutes into the set.

And, and it's a set up for a story. Like, I'm in like one of those lines where I'm like, and here's the thing, I want to tell you what happened. Like one of those kind of moments. So it's like quiet, and sometimes you ever hear chatter, and you go, I'm going to bury the chatter by talking about it, because you know that like, in the special big rooms, that the speakers can like drown

out something. So I'm like, I lean on the mic. I'm not gonna, I'm just gonna quiet whatever that is. But as I'm like transitioning to the next sentence, I just hear it more. And then it's not avoidable. So I'm like, what's happening? And this guy goes, they're trying to throw me out of here.

And I'm like, what? And then they start going, he won't shut up. We want him to shut up. And they're like, they're talking to me in this theater. And I'm like, and they go, Tom, what should we do? I go, this is beyond my pay grade. I don't, this is up to you now, theater people. And then they go, and then the two people who were like,

he needs to leave, he goes, I'm not leaving. And I get out of the light, because it's a spotlight, and he's got his hands on the chair rails. And he's like, you're gonna have to drag me out of here. And I'm like, ah, and then security comes and I go, do what you must. And they're like, sir, and he goes, must. And they're like, sir, he goes, no. And they're like, he should leave.

And that whole room is like falling apart. It's like, it's over 1,000 people. And I'm like, don't look at me. Like, I'm up, this is my part. I'm gonna go sit in the green room for a little bit. I'm just like, I'll just wait here. And the security guys are not to be fair, real security guys.

It's usually older gentlemen. It's like ushers. Yeah. They're ushers. And they're like, they go like, come on. And he's like, you'll have to drag me out of here. And he's like, he's holding on. And they're not even going to try to drag.

And they're like, come on. And he's like, no. And I mean, meanwhile, by the way, other people just start yelling. They're just like yelling at him, yelling at other people, yelling at me. Come on, Tom, I'm like, come on, what? They start asking questions.

And I'm like, this show is falling apart, like completely falling apart. People are screaming. Yeah. And I look at like, how much time has gone by? This show is falling apart, completely falling apart. People are screaming, and I look at how much time has gone by. We're at 27 minutes. I'm like, fuck. And after a few minutes, a couple people will leave. But I don't know who has left.

In the scope of what's happening. But what I know is that the guy that was being the loudest and the arguing people is not leaving. He's still there. He's still there. Yeah And he's just basically like I'm staying He's got a fucking fishing shirt on Like one of those tackle shirts. Yeah, I was like All right, and then what he does it is after like chaos kind of takes over, it sort of calms down. And I go into a bit.

And I think he wants to separate himself from being the bad guy to being part of the audience again. So he goes, ha ha ha ha. Like he laughs extra hard. But it's all manufactured. Good one Tommy. He's like, that's a good joke. And I was like, oh boy.

And the rest of the set was, once that happened, this thousand plus people thought, like, well, we can do this. Like, we can make this more interactive. So like, I would do a bit and there we're like, hey man, how come, how come, what does this say on your shoe by the way? Like they're just like yelling shit out. And instead of like, when that happens once,

you go like shut the fuck up or you know you, but now it's like this is now the show. Oh yeah. So it becomes the show for the next half hour of like doing a bit interacting with people, people yelling shit, people telling me where they went to school and what they stuck and I'm like, What the fuck?

It was, that is not your style of, No, but here's the thing, when it's that many people doing it, you have to embrace it. Otherwise, it's over. Yeah, I just rolled with it. And then I got off stage and everybody was like, You okay? I was like, Chris Long's finishing up a big Mac and he was a wapper.

He came back and I was like, we think of that. He was like, that was fucking insane. What's crazy is when I hear a story, I picture the people in my head. Yeah. And I picture the guy, when you said fishing shirt, I was like, this is a guy that looks like Tom, but he's just a lot bigger.

The guy? Yeah, Paul. I couldn't even tell. I couldn't tell you how to hat on. You know, it was just like, it was so not what you expected. Like it had club like late club vibes, late Friday show club vibes of a 300 seat room that has 80 people at it.

But this was 11 or 1200 people in a room that's real. So, and it was just like, it was a kind of thing where you go, if I decide right now, not to engage, or like to be like, I don't want to do this, the only option is literally walking off stage. Yeah. You know, or like getting really mad, like yelling at somebody super angry and then everybody be like, or like getting really mad, like yelling at somebody super angrily and then everybody's like, ah, like be there dad. So I was just like, you just have to

roll with this. You have to roll with this. But it was, it really was pretty chaotic, especially if I have to re like, say it again for a theater. Like it's not what you see in theater. I mean, I've done hundreds of them now, and I've never seen anything happen like that before. I was funny, I would love to listen to one of your shows and then have you listen to one of mine, and you go, oh, that was my Charlottesville show. I know that's just Thursday. That's the early Thursday.

Really? But I think, it's not like, it's really interesting because I think I get, because I take my shirt off on stage, I think people think it's, my thing is just a legit party the whole time. Right, like I'm doing a fucking foam pit, like I fucking fill the room with foam

and it's just like, what is it, what do you guys want, huh? You know, and it's, someone said to me the other day, they're like, you know, someone that I really respect said to, I think you're on the, you're I never mind but was like It's like it is crazy you take your shirt off But you're actually like a legit comic like you've got this branding thing where people notice you as the take your short off party guy But you are like a legit storyteller and I was like yes kind of interesting because I do get the vibe of like like

Fucking shirt off fuck it, but then shirt's off and I'm telling like like heartfelt stories at times and funny stories and doing jokes, but it's so interesting because I think people think I have that energy. Yeah. Yeah, the chaos energy. The chaos energy. I would think that too.

Like I don't, I don't. If I watch one of your promos, like especially the moment when you take your shirt off, it's like in pandemonium. I should have leaned into what do you mean? I should have just partied like crazy on stage. You brought like a fucking smash the light bulb over my head, like a fucking, you can still do it. You know what I was telling Shane and Dave, Shane and Shane Torres and Dave Williamson.

Sometimes, you know, as a comic you get in-road, you gotta get bored with the thing. And we were talking, that wouldn't even the thing. We were noticing how these days it seems like a lot of younger comics go brand first and then, because it's like, you never see like a guy dressed like John Mulaney just doing stand-up anymore. Or a guy dressed like you.

Everyone's kind of, everyone's kind of getting a hook of it seems like, you know, like they're, they're getting an angle of how to brand themselves is like, as like the comic you need to watch. And I was telling Shane and Dave, I was like, I'll give you a thousand dollars each if I get to pick your brand. And you got to do it for a little while in the road. And I was going to make Shane do stand up in roller skates. That's just mean. No. Do you realize? Shane Torres comes out in roller skates. Yeah. That's the brand. Yeah. And he just fucking rolls around. And he just rolls like skates a little bit and tells jokes. Do you think about it, right? I'm thinking.

Oh, it could work with a guy like Shane, who's obviously pretty much a standard deliver comic, it could be, if you did decide to lean into a fucking brand, like the initial one was to come out with a hook on his hand. Uh huh. And be like, you're the hook-handed comic, right? Yeah. And then, uh... How much time does the guys do before you go up?

15. How many guys go up usually? Two. Okay. I've had three out of rows, but Baker on the road with me. And they each did 10. But I was like, shame was on roller skates. And like could really kind of not, that really was confident on roller skates

would be fucking hilarious. Because he's got the physicality of it would be amazing. Yeah. Like you know. And then, and he's an amazing comic. And immediately, you'd be booked on every late night show. What's your pitch for Dave wheelchair? And then at the end, stand up and go, thank you good night. That was my pitch for Dave.

What do you think? He's, they both, both of them were like, for a thousand dollars, whatever the fuck you want. They're like, I'll do it. Fuck you out, I'm gonna give you shit. I'll take the money, I'm gonna do a set. Why don't you say up the whale chair, one of the upcoming gays? I was, I want, because that's a little,

that was just a joke, I was like, yeah. But, but, Shane on Rosekates be. You get a lot of sympathy laughs too to start. Like, your first solid joke, maybe like, this cripple's pretty funny. Like, they, dude, if he, I'm gonna make him go out in just it's so much doable Call it sunglasses and just stare off to the side. Oh, yeah People will fucking be like come on buddy. Yeah. Oh, yeah, do we have any disabled comics these days?

Are there any disabled comics? Yeah? For sure John. I mean just blue, but I don't see him as... No, there's another one. I saw... I saw... Because he's a Olympic athlete. I saw a rose guy who was... He had also has a cerebral palsy. What was Jerry Joules?

Jerry Joules. Do you know what I'm saying? Jerry Joules. Jerry... Tybin Jerry Joules. She had cerebral palsy, right? There is a roast guy who definitely does. I saw a clip. Jerry Jewel, what is she had cerebral palsy?

She was on faxalife. Okay. You don't remember her? Yeah. She was Blair's cousin. And the whole gag was, the whole gag was Blair's embarrassed to be related to someone.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, the facts of life in the 80s, the pitch was Blair's hot. And she's gonna be embarrassed to have this person her family and she was, that was the whole fucking log line. That she was like, oh God, don't talk. You know, like, and then she was like, and then the whole thing was, she was a comedian. And then her friends had to be like, Blair, you gotta love her, she's your family.

And she's like, yeah, but look at her. Like that was the bridge, that was the fucking bitch of that. Right, her's wrote that down and they be like, player, you got a lover, she's your family, she's like, yeah, but look at her. Like, that was the bridge, that was the fucking bitch of that. Riders wrote that down and they were like, here you go. And then network was like, I fucking love it. Yeah. I guarantee you they're like, if they were like, I bet they audition people, they're like, nah, we can understand you, next.

Do you think Josh Potter is disabled? Cause he's blind and when I... Why doesn't he lean into that? Why doesn't he wear sunglasses on? Oh, his glasses are pretty. Oh, his glasses are pretty. His glasses are pretty. Dude, but he shifts to sunglasses.

It's gonna be other level though. That's when he's gonna blow the fuck up. Oh, he does have sunglasses. Oh, he has a transition. Do you think there are any blind people with transition glasses? Is that Josh Potter? Without a beard?

Yeah. Oh, he's adorable. He's not a bad looking guy. It looks like a fucking shooter right there. And a far left one. What happened to a guy? That guy lives in a cabin right there. That guy, yeah.

That's not adorable. But, no, he's doing great. His podcast is doing great numbers. He's doing the road. He's killing on the road. He's doing great He's a cute pilot there. He's a little sweetheart. Yeah Yeah um Well look at him there. Is that is, did they put white guy makeup on him? Is that, looks like a black guy, and Josh Potter and to the right, go to the right. That looks like a black guy and white guy makeup.

That's Stephen King. That's Stephen King. Yeah. That's Stephen King. That is Stephen King. That is Stephen King. That is Stephen King. No fucking way.

For sure it is. That's what Stephen King. That is Stephen King? That is Stephen King. No fucking way. For sure it is. That's what Stephen King looks like. I mean sometimes. But it says Josh Potter. I know, but that's Stephen King. Yeah. Jesus Christ.

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That's why Tommy John doesn't have customers. They have funnatics I'll tell you what man. I put on a pair of Tommy John's and I feel like I'm in the lap of luxury I'm standing for seasons so damn comfortable get 20% off your first order right now at Tommy John dot com slash bears That's Tommy John dot com slash bears for 20% off order now so your gift arrives before the holiday That's very important right now go to Tommy john comm slash bears see the cypher details Oh, we try we toward rosebud. Yeah, I had a woman on the bus for the first time how'd that go? I was very nervous because I don't you know It's almost like you're unaware of how you behave did you do

nudity in front of her? No nudity. Offer the option to have a hotel room any night she wanted it, but it was kind of tough to start traveling at night. But if we were there, I was like, if we were staying in a city, we stayed in DC to do two nights. And I was like, you're more than welcome to have a hotel room. I think she took it.

I'm sure for a jog with us kind of, she kind of wanted on for her own jog, I'm kind of got lost and then found us It was fucking awesome because you forget that She's a comic first like that's there, you know like I Don't know the right way to say it but like all she cared about was comedy I love I love when all anyone gives a fuck about its comedy That's all they wanna talk about.

And all they wanna do is make jokes. And she watched my set, and like every night, she was watching my set, she was like, coming over with notes, she's like, I told this new story about Snoop, she was like, I love that snoop story. She's like, you gotta keep it in the hour. And I was like, I was like, fuck yeah.

I love comics, you just wanna talk, Sean. That's who I bring. Yeah, Jeff Tate. Jeff Tate, the best. Just wants to talk comedy. The best. The best. He has a total just kind of mind. And he has a great opinion of comedy.

Like, he is a very fine paladin. And he writes probably more than anybody I know. Yeah. Every time I go, like, I'm done, you know, I didn't see him in a while, then he came and toured and had a new set and then when I see him next, it's always new and it's always really good. It's really good. It's really good stand up. Yeah. But all the people I bring, I love one comics. What if we get Jeff tape to the roller skates? He might think about it. He might think about it. What would be like, remember when we used to do

that when we worked at the improv, we would try to work on cash phrases? Do you remember? Do you remember? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. We tried to get a good cash phrase. Yeah, you finished your joke.

Yeah, I finished it then. Now that's what I'm talking about. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Like punchline. Come and get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pow, pow, bring it, bring it.

Yeah. Hey, ho, rodeo. Hey, ho, rode it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, pal pal bring it bring it. Yeah. Hey, Ho rodeo. Hey, Ho rodeo. I told Davies just start doing that where he goes he tells a joke and when he gets laugh He kind of turns signing. He goes, good one. David. Are there no retarded comics? Like is there not like a? Hello? Google it. No. I don't know. That is B- Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Oh fuck! Oh fuck! Oh god damn it, that's fucking perfect! I mean we've really been in the show now. That is the perfect? That is the funniest thing?

You can take it down. Oh my god. Ugh. Oh, sometimes it just happens naturally. That is good. That was so good. Oh my god, that is fucking hilarious. That is so fucking hilarious Right now no one knows what we're laughing at

I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. know. I know. I. know. I. I know. I. know. I. know. I. know. I. know. I. know. I. know. I. know. I. know. I. know. I. know. I. know. I. I. I. know. I. know. I. know. I. know. I. I. know. I. know, wait. Do you? Oh, wait. Oh, right now they're Googling it. They're like, in the chart as we are. Dave's picture. What was that? Was that a real face? It was just,

Look, that made me laugh so fucking hard. We took a picture and, and we just zoomed in on Dave's face. And we just, we made me laugh so fucking hard. We took a picture and we just zoomed in on Dave's face. And he looked horrible. Okay, so here's what's going on in that picture. He's eating popcorn and he's drinking red wine. Which doesn't excuse the dip

face looking thing where he pulled his gym like this. But we saw that picture and we could not stop laughing. Could not stop laughing. The only face that we've enjoyed more than that is this one, okay? All right, I just emailed it to you. This is the only other picture that made us laugh this hard, and this is John Mann's doing a polar plunge. So we went to do polar plunge, we do polar plunge on the road, and John Mann's goes, I bet he's very confident, and if you want to gamble, this is his face doing a polar blunt

because he doesn't like it. And we could, we're like, he looks like an old man. And he's like, ah, ah, ah, ah. I love when you get bad pictures of people. It's great. There's a picture of me naked and lake from a drone. I'm on my back. And my dick is, is buoyant.

So it's pointing up. So it only as big as the width of a soft dick, right? So it is, it looks like a button. And that, and that got passed around our tour bus forever. My favorite thing to do growing up, because you know, my sister, my balls, my balls, the green picture, they got a great pass round. My sisters are way more emotional, obviously,

like, you know, the girls, like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And like, there'd be moments where like, there's a fight or some argument and they would be screaming and cry. And I would always try to take a picture. And then I would have those pictures blown up and put them in a frame. So they'd be like, you have a picture of me crying. So wait, so we were at my grandmother's funeral. Yeah. And they're posting there have a slideshow of pictures up. And one of the pictures is my sister Annie and her going throughout lessons at her fattest. And she's in like, it's the most unflattering picture. So we're all sitting in there. Everyone's somber and they start the slideshow and everyone's like,

oh, oh, oh, and then the picture of Annie comes up. She goes, seriously? And then the funeral, everyone starts laughing hysterically, but it can't blame on a loop. So we come back and we come back and everyone would laugh again. Is that a fucking funeral? And we are crying laughing every time a picture of any comes up

All right, wait, yeah, David's picture and then I got a bunch of shicks everyone's like, I thought you don't break balls But because you can't because you can't fucking take back things once you say it on a podcast. You mean it forever Oh, cuz you can they're they're getting leave cuz you fashame me for years. I did not fat shame you. You fucking gaslit me. That podcast, I listened to that beginning of podcast. That's fucking fascinating to watch how your brain fucking does that mental gymnastics of lying to yourself so you can lot other people. Metal World Peace Watch. What? What? You were, by the way.

What? What? What? I don't care. I came out of sight. You can't have say anything. It's... You're level. I'm so fat. I can't understand you can't understand me. It's... Ah!

You're laughing. I'm so fat I have food in my teeth. Teeth in my... Ah! Ah! Ah! You have teeth in your food! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! I have teeth in my food! I have teeth in my food! I have teeth do the food! I'm gonna do the big thing in this too! No!

No! No! Dude! Ah! Ah! Ah! The look on your face! When you realize what I say!

You are why! You have demon your body! Ah! Ah! Ah! on your face when you realize what I say. You're wild, you have deep in your mouth. You're level of delusion. Oh. It's so insane with the fat thing. You have no idea. You have no idea. I'm sitting here telling you,

I ate healthy and I told you what I had to eat the other day and you're like, greet all that one day. And I was like, I guess I had been admittedly fat for a while. Give the funny thing with you is you'll be like, I've been really good. I've been really good lately, I've been really good. And then it'll be like 20 seconds later, you're like, I have fucking four marinas and eight cheeseburgers.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Any tell them what we just ate while he was on the phone crawl with his agent. On a plate, we just full of plate with sauce, cheese and pepperoni, and just ate it with spoons. You did? It was fucking awesome. It was fucking easy, Annie. Easy.

He said it wasn't good. Yeah, because he likes carbs, because he has, he's, because... Whatever. I was gonna say something, I wasn't gonna say it, because he might get sensitive. Okay. Everyone fucking liked it. Everyone liked it. It was a big fucking hit.

Yeah. Yeah. And so, I love when you find like a cheat code, like you know what I like to do is I was telling them, I like to take a piece pizza, left over pizza, take a cup, cut a center, got a hole in the center of the pizza, and put a cracked egg inside that center.

Oh, so fucking good. You put that on the pan? I put it on the pan, and you'd be shocked that it heats up perfectly, and then just last minute, you give it a little quick flip, or what I do sometimes, I put a little water in the pan, put a top on the pan, and then it steams the top of the egg, and steams the cheese.

Cheese. And then you take that little hole, and you put that on top, motherfucker. You're doing fat guy elite shit right now. of the egg and steams the cheese. Cheese it. And then you take that little hole and you put that on top. Motherfucker! You're doing like fat guy elite shit right now. Dude? Like the things you're describing are like all things that everybody wants to indulge in. I am going hard in the fucking pain. I mean you came out.

You know what? You know what we did one time? This was maybe my favorite thing we've ever done. Is we tried to create the perfect burger. Wait, wait, wait, wait, before you just add a minute. Do you think there's a chance you could reach out to your publicist and see if any like mainstream publication is willing to do an article on you coming out like as fat.

Like do a serious piece like Berkweischer comes out and then people will be like, oh my god. And then just have it be in the article. You're a public, I don't have a publicist. Well, not a year round. But I'm saying when you have like a publicity thing. Okay, like give a movie coming up. Let me, let me, I tell you what,

I got a publicist on call. Yeah. My, your name's Karen. And say, and make sure you say, I wanna do an, I wanna do an article on coming out. And then, and then when they go coming out, be like, yeah, as fat. And then see if somebody will make, do like a real fat embrace piece,

you know? I wonder if this is still a number. All right, she's on, she's on my publics, there's a travel channel. And I'll see if she thinks. Well, what about on the on the machine movie? They're definitely giving you a publicist for that. For sure.

Oh, and that's a good angle. Yeah. Because you're like, hey, Bert, your fat is fucking shirtless in this. And I was like, yeah, I'm coming out as fat. Yeah. And I was like, and I'd like to welcome other people to come out of the fridge and share their stories

of what it was like in the fridge. What if people did it? What if people magazine did it? What if they? Google, Google. See if anyone's come out as fat. I want, would I be the first person to come out as, I mean, I'm certain.

I think with that. I don't mean to be disrespectful, but the world's so bizarre right now. I be the first person to come out of there? I mean, I'm certain I think with that I don't mean to be disrespectful but the world's so bizarre right now I'm certain other people have come a everything. No, it'd be easier. It's wrong Can't hurt top ten reasons BMI's pogus put put come out in quotes And I don't know if a beast is the right word. Yeah, wait four ways to come out of fat. What? Dude this can be an article. Yeah, bad Mac a face face time in me. Okay Pat let's see those eyes Brown eyes god damn it. We thought they would be blue green

Green you're part of the 5% of people. Hey Pat What's up, dude? Oh, the 5% of people. Hey Pat. What's up, Buck? What's up, dude? Oh, wow, yeah, he's got a green eye. Bert's been talking, he said you got a real sweet ass on you. You guys. I heard you guys been talking about my ass a lot. I appreciate that.

That makes me good. Hey, it's not you guys. It's us. It's us. It takes two to tango. Hey, Bert, anybody talking about my ass? I enjoy. I appreciate you, buddy. I've been seeing a lot of you nude on the internet these days. You fucking killing it.

Paul back on tour. Let's go. I fucking love this. Hey, Tom, Tom and I are thinking about doing a surprise football player, celebrity football player dinner where we just start inviting you guys until you guys realize, fuck, he's just inviting some football players. No, no, I'm not a celebrity either. I would love to go that. Where we just start inviting you guys until you guys realize fuck you just inviting some football players A When are you coming to LA? We gotta have you come on when you come into LA. Oh, I'm not in LA. I'm in Austin right now Yeah, didn't you guys pick up and moved Austin

That's like in that the whole thing no Tom moved us to awesome, but we're we're wait that's what's closer to you These right down right down the plane right there come on man jump on a plane Hey, I was left you know, and I was gonna I was honored to be asked To host two bears while Burke was over in Lithuania, wherever the hell is going on. By the way, shout out Mark Hamill, throw me right back into the fucking fire, Burke, after the Aaron Rodgers thing died down two days.

Mark Hamill, quote, tweets, sends me back into the fire. He's going to be your dad or something at the machine. I did some research on this guy. I did some research on this guy. I get some research on this guy. I can't wait to see it, but I can't believe I missed the opportunity to be a host well alongside you guys.

How about you, man? Are you, are you immunized? Yeah, I'm immunized. You know, I, I believe in no, I got back to the thing about that is I got vaccinated. And then I got to have it. And I got COVID real bad, like 104.5 degree fever. No shit.

I thought I was going down like I thought that was all she wrote. COVID came through and hit a little pain strain on my entire system. No shit. I mean, it's the wild world obviously. And I would be honored to go to dinner with you guys long answer short there. Hey, we would love to have you for real, man. Why don't we set that up?

Shit, I didn't know we're just in a room. I thought, hey, I didn't know we're just in like a bedroom up here. Hey, he's building a, he's building a, he's building a compound like Rogen, but right now we're in a fucking squat house. Yeah, this is actually a, a trap house. Hey, respect. I was conceived actually a trap house um hey respect i was conceived in a trap house actually really mad at sex on a couch down there yeah by the way i see i've seen your dad's pull out game in jenga it's pretty impressive yeah pull out game on old sao wasn't

great i guess in the trap house that's my mom but in jenga he's unbelievable so awesome just because what elons making that the space home right? Elon's built up all the rocket ships. Rogan's down there changing the entire media world and now they got to go right down there and fucking Austin. What a dream. Oh, it's a real dream and we get burned here pretty often. So there's I'm here more than I am in my own house. There's restaurants opening every week.

It's pretty good. Hey, Pat, Pat, have you ever heard of anyone coming out as fat? Is that just like when they recognize that they finally got to the point that their body is despicable? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I come out, I come out fat like every football season around November, December. I come out big time fat.

Did you do this, Bert? Did you do this finally as minute? I'm not fat like every football season around November, December. I come out big time fat. Did you do this, birds? Did you do this finally in a minute? Yeah, well, I was just jealous of, gay guys get to come out and then celebrate their life and then they get to go really explore their sexuality. And I was like, I want to come out as fat and really explore my eating.

And it really go hard in the pain. I just had a plate full of cheese and pepperonis. Just say, fuck it. I'm on my path to 700 pounds. Everybody should be proud of me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm just talking to what I'm saying. Hey, old Davey meets back here. We'll be able to help you out. That motherfucker's on the grill. What all day? Every day on this birdie boy world tour. You're well on your way. That food looks unbelievable. Dude, we just got get this we just got two thousand dollars worth of stakes that

we put in our freezer and we're eating stakes as sneeze nice knackers every night yeah he's gaining weight he's gaining weight we're all proud of him by the way Tom and I are getting ready to go to dinner right now look at you coming out of fat living your best life That's what I'm talking about! Ah! Go for you, man. I mean, honestly, trying to have it, uh, being the same vein as the LGBTQ community, probably gonna get you in some shit,

but I won't let you know I'm proud of you, but you want to be a five-hour pounder fucking goat, do it. BOOM! Thank you, Matt. I love your eyes. Hey, what are you? Blue eyes? What? Baby blues, baby blues. Oh, that's why you were that machine

down there floor to state, huh? Yeah, look, Tom's got blue eyes too. Look at that. What are you guys, you're fucking hard to draw. Real quick question, what colorized does Aaron Rogers have? Ooh, those are blue or green, right? It's green. God damn it, see, that was our game we're playing

to see if you can remember the eye colors of people you met or no. Is this blue, right? Yeah. God damn it. See that was our game we're playing a scene if you can remember the air eye colors of people you met or no Is this blue right? Yeah, no, no, erens are the green I forgot we forgot we forgot yeah, yeah Yeah, that's gonna happen especially blue I think they were blue I think they were blue in the super super out in fact You know some things are just some things are gonna get forgot you, oh my god Aaron hold on take a look at Aaron Roger's eyes What about what about AJ what about AJ's eyes? AJ Hawk

Yeah AJ Hawk Yeah Oh, AJ's got blue eyes and they're fucking blue they are serial killer albino blue. Yeah, they are Isn't that crazy we talk to people every day and don't know what they wait hold on what this is That's impossible what look at the website. This is on scroll up scroll up. No other side the where the picture is It could be it could be just like a German site Let's see Man well Let's see. Oh man, well. Yeah, I mean, if you name, how about like, you guys on staff, do you know their eye colors?

If we, I don't know. I feel like a terrible listener too, because you're supposed to pay attention to that stuff. I don't think I'm gonna get it. Yeah, me neither. I don't have to have someone tell me an interesting story that can go, oh, Bert, by the way, I remember your eyes were blue.

Yeah, fair enough. Yeah, okay. Hey, I appreciate you guys. Hey, I appreciate you guys. I miss you guys. Miss you, too, man. I get to watch you on the internet, because I'll be killing all the time. We watch you, man.

And congrats on everything. Hopefully, we really could get a dinner together. That'd be a lot of fun for real. So we're gonna do something down in Texas, I think, here within the next couple of months. Whenever we get down there, we'll call the... Oh, fuck yeah. I'll fly in for that. Let's do it man. Let's do it Big fucking eyes and thanks for the face time you can always face time me

You can always face time me. Yeah, okay, I can't wait. Alright, see you. He delivers. That was every fucking time he delivers. Every fucking time. You know what it is, man? It's a fucking professional. That's what it is. Pat gets it.

Alright, we should wrap this up, man. Let's give it a try. Don't you want to have your dinner? Where are we going? Do we know? I got it lined up. All I've had is mozzarella and pepperonis and sauce today. That's it, and some coffee. And that beer in the morning. And the cider. Feel good.

Yeah. It's a good way to go into dinner. You can really have the calories now. Okay. Ooh, a double cheat click. Yeah. Oh, you usually do come up. Yeah.

All right, let's do some, let's tell our audience that we love them that we're on tour. Yeah. And I got my booster shot, so I'll be able to hang out a little more than I have been. Oh, good.

I'm just, I'm fully immunized. Mm. Yeah, we are on tour. I'm gonna start doing takes takes I'm gonna start doing camera takes ready. Yeah, like like I'll say something and then I'll mess the word up And then I'm gonna watch okay, so hey, I'm gonna know what's the word I have a hard time saying I'm fully eminute I saw it now I saw it. Now I saw it. Okay. All right. Well, we got two shows in the Met and Philadelphia for New Year's Eve. And they're not listening right now. They're party hung up. No, they hung up.

Um, I love you. I love you too. Bye, guys. Bird time, time and bird. One goes top to swallow the other, wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and birds the machine. There's not a chance and hell that they'll keep clean Here's what we call, two bears one cave

No scripts to beat a booze amateur, patology Dirty jokes, ronti humor, no apologies Here's what we call, two bears one cave Okay.