2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 114 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: January 3, 2022

2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer are back in Austin and we try to figure out if Bert is the most self absorbed person Tom knows. Is he a lot? Bert tries to convince Enny to let him smoke cigars in his house and Bert reveals how he incentivized his tour bus to motivate his weight loss. He describes his day working out with Joe Rogan at the Onnit gym, and the bears make Nadav compare and contrast their stand up shows. Bert admits he likes talking more than he likes listening and Tom tells him about shooting with Unk Shine. The bears discuss a great parody of the JRE they watched, as well as the Josh Robert Thompson impression of Morgan Freeman, which makes Bert attempt a couple impressions for Tom, and Bert fantasizes about his retirement which turns into one of the hardest laughs had on the show.

They're so sweet to her and to me. I mean, look at my fucking... I saw that, I saw that. That's from last night, that's from last night. Because when I get home, they go, we want to hurt you and torture you. I'm like, why did they do that to you? Because I think that's like the,

I'm the guy they can do that with. Do you think it's cause you're dead inside and they're trying to get emotion out of you? Maybe. Maybe. 100% I'm not as I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I just went, eh, and I thought in my head, if he is as good as I think he is, he'll get me a coffee. Yeah. And he'll get me one of two things. He'll either get me exactly what time get or he'll get me an ice soy latte. And when he said a nice soy latte, I thought, you can't, you can't teach that. Now that's fucking, you know what that

is? That's someone that cares more about other people than they do about themselves. That's why I'll never do that I don't even know if he likes coffee. He's very unlike you. He's very unlike you. I couldn't even tell you what your order is and I've watched you order it I know you're very self-absorbed and yeah And that's not bad subjective who's more self-absorbed and all the people you know who's the most solid my the most self-absorbed Yeah, why am I self-absorbed? Out of all the people you know, who's the most solid? The most self-absorbed person you ever met. Yeah. Why am I self-absorbed? Well, you know what, we could talk about it.

It's so funny, you just wait to talk. Like when you listen, you're like, anyway. I look at cover stations like double dots. I look at coverstays, it's like double dots. I go, and I jump in now. Hey, what's up? Yeah, totally. When people introduce me, they go, when I introduce, someone goes, bird, I'd like you to meet this person.

As soon as I hear bird, I'd like you to meet the soundtrack for the Chicago Bulls comes in when they're, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and I hear myself getting ready to announce myself. The soundtrack for the Chicago Bulls comes in when they're Dan and I hear myself getting ready to announce myself No, I've seen I've seen like regular people meet you before like people who don't know who you are. And they're always like, oh, because you're like, you're like, the great thing is sometimes you go, I'm a lot, like you tell them. Like, this is going to be a lot to meet me. I had, I remember the, I remember when I first realized how much I was around

people. There was this guy, Andre Vincent. He's a comedian. He's a comedian. His brother's a promoter, I think, or a manager in London. He's a comedian from London. We were in South Africa together. And he was standing away from me. And I was like, hey, and I liked him.

I was like, what are you doing? And he was like, I need a little space from you. And I said, why? And he goes, you cast a very large wake. And not everyone likes to be in that wake all the time. And I was like, what are you talking about? And I was like, and he was like, we had tried killing, we'd played a game with Tom Clark,

we were like, let's see who can get the closest to killing Tom Clark without Tom Clark knowing. We had been doing that all day, and we were crying laughing, and then Tom found out and his feelings were hurt. He was like, why would you pretend to kill me all day? And I was like, it's better when you didn't know about it. Yeah, it's fun.

Yeah. And Andre that day was like, I need some distance from you. He was like, you're a lot. He's like, you don't stop. It's all day. Yeah. And he's like, it's two in the morning. I just want to go to sleep.

And I was like, do you want me to come to your room? And he was like, no. I just want to go to sleep. And I was, I talked to Leon the phone that night. And I was like, am I a lot? She goes, oh honey. She tells people. She tells everyone.

She warns people who haven't met you. She's like, have you met them? Just kind of be prepared. It's cool. I remember when George was at the school called they asked me if I would, they asked if I would host World Fair Day and Leigh Ann goes, that's a bad idea.

And she goes, what? And she goes, you're asking my husband, it can be a little aggressive at times. And it'll overshadow the kids. And man, all it was was different Asian countries. And I just was making Asian jokes. You did host it? I hosted it.

And at the end, I remember at the end, this is the one that killed, I go, the second grade was Japan, and the third grade was Korea. And Korea came over and they're like hey Just you know, you know, we're our are you know, BB mobs are now half off and Japan came running over the second grade And they're like our dumplings are now you get by one get for free and I go just like the Japanese Cutting the legs out from the goddamn Koreans

And they were like what the fuck? And it's like he's done. I was gonna kill I wasn't wearing underwear. I was on a stage. It was a lot How old were your kids? I don't know Georgia was from the first grade first grade. Yeah, it was a predominantly it was a predominantly The hell in your fucking pockets man. Probably dominantly in Asian school. I'm just taking everything out Oh, I thought we could smoke cigars in here That's probably a violation. Oh, I thought we could smoke cigars in here. That's probably a violation. No, it's any in our becoming roommates.

And this is my room now. Oh, okay. And I can do whatever I want in my room. Okay, let's smoke in your room. Yeah. Any, can we smoke in my room? I'm on your bed, it's empty. Damages.

Do you mean the smell of smoke? Okay, if I was one of your ladies? How many ladies do you let smoke in here any? I'm putting out I definitely put out yeah Freaked any out when I brush my teeth with soap. Yeah, I think I wouldn't limit it to just any You think everyone's freaked out a I brushed my teeth with soap. Yeah, I think I wouldn't limit it to just any. You think everyone was freaked out? A little bit, really? Kind of.

What about toothpaste? You don't like toothpaste? I like the taste of it. It's a cleaner. It's like a cleaner feel with soap. You always do that? My teeth aren't real though, so I think that's also part of it. That's, you should probably lead with that.

Yeah, yeah. My teeth are all porcelain. All? I have, oh my god, I only have one, two, three, four, five, six, seven teeth that aren't porcelain. What? You're a lot. You're a lot. I have some gold ones and then all them are porcelain. And so I started thinking like I get all these pitches for toothpaste of whiteners and this and that. And so I started thinking, like I get all these pitches for toothpaste of whiteners and this and that. And I'm like, you can't white in my teeth,

or they're not real. And so one day I was like, I wonder if I, if soap, it started with, it always, it started with my toothbrush in my pocket and I wanted to clean it. So I got some soap and I cleaned it. And then I got done.

And as I was brushing my teeth, it suds up. I was like, I don't really taste it. And then I was like, that's not that bad. And they felt cleaner. It literally sounds like a hobo telling you how you're doing shit wrong on the street, you know? And he's like, one day I discovered I was not polished these shoes and I ended up

putting a brush in my mouth. And I was like, this tastes right. And that's what I wasn't doing. So I found that if I light my hair on fire, it's an easier way to cut it. Just keep feathering it, brother. Yeah, so I brushed my teeth with soap, but I watched any just, and he was all,

I thought it was just am watching, so I was doing it quick. And then I thought it was super aggressive to spit in his sink. But that's what you do when you brush your teeth. Everybody spits in the sink. But not everyone brushes their teeth at you brush your teeth. Yeah, everybody spits in the sink. But not everyone brushes their teeth at other people's houses.

In the kitchen. In the kitchen. That's true. Some people go like, I'll go to the bathroom and do this. Oh yeah, do it discreetly. Yeah. Other people hold court. Yeah, that's what I like to do.

I know. What is it? I wonder what, I wonder if you could like find a genetic marker. That's it? Like, two brush? No, this is a gar. Oh yeah, it's a good question. No, it's a guy. Oh yeah, it's a nub. These are really great.

Yeah. Yeah. Hmm. Where'd you get this? What? Where'd you get it? New Orleans. You had a good time.

I had a fucking blast in New Orleans. These are awesome. Hmm. We'll smoke it later, yeah. We'll smoke it right now. Right now in his house. We shut the door. Oh, that'll help. That was really this room. We'll smell like later, yeah. We'll smoke it right now. Right now in his house. We shut the door.

Well, that'll help. That was really this room we'll smoke cigars forever. Okay. For ever. I think that smoke detector might go off. No. You don't think so?

Let's find out. Any, you know, the viewers right now, like for the good of the show, the viewers are going man They should like to cigars Yeah Headphones put your headphones on why because they're asking you to sure you putting a dip in You can speak up no really You gonna spit cup?

No, we'll swallow it. Really? That was too many. What's up? Oh, you got a very nice hat. Thank you, I don't want to move my hat. Where'd you get the hat? I got the hat in New Orleans.

New Orleans is fucking awesome. I'm gonna be like New Orleans. I don't know. It's fine. Why did I put the headphones on? Because they asked you too. Because you were asking any questions. Yeah, you just kept talking, but I was just gonna say that as long as you're paying, you're good to do whatever you want.

How much did it cost for me to smoke as a guy in this room? I have no idea. I haven't tried to do that yet. Well, if there's a sprinkler system that it's gonna be pretty expensive for you. Nidav, sprinkler systems aren't based on smoke. It's not sprinklers in here, is there?

There's no sprinklers in here. No one has sprinklers in their house. I have sprinklers in my apartment. Yeah, I have one in my house. Apartments are different than I house. Okay. Yeah, and you know, Nadov, those are based off of heat. All right.

No, they're not based off smoke. Smoke doesn't set a sprinkler off. It's fire. You know what, I gotta say something. Shoot, this is one of the few times birds making a really good point. Yep. Noreland's was a fucking blast. Let's, let's start. Let's start with the weight loss challenge. Yeah.

So a couple of weeks ago, at this point, yeah, you were the most enormous. You've ever been in your life. 263. And by the way, I know I was fatter at times. You said you weighed, yeah. And you decided enough is enough. And now you not only are trying to be healthier and lose weight, but you've got your whole crew that you tore with on a health kick too.

I got, so what I did is did it we did a hydration challenge one time Because I we thought it would be better to be hydrated will help blood pressure everything's great. We're hydrated. Yeah, and so I Said a hundred dollars To anyone who finishes their a gallon of water you drink gallon a day Mm-hmm. Yeah, you get a hundred dollars if you finish your gallon of water, if I don't finish mine. But if I finish mine, no one gets a hundred dollars. And so it was like a challenge. Did they hide your water?

No, yeah, no, it just, no one was on anyone's team, and then they just stopped drinking water and I was drinking water. I was like, well, it kind of wasn't fun. So then I decided, I was gonna do a weight loss challenge and I said, okay, I'll give 50 bucks for every pound you lose. And then I was like, and then I was like, if I challenge them, then they're not gonna support me. And you want to support, you want support in this? Totally. So I said, and then I'll tell you what, I'll give you 50 bucks for every pound

I lose. And then they were like, wait, what? I was like, yeah, 50 bucks. So that way it incentivizes you guys to eat healthy and lose weight, but it more importantly to keep me on track. Yeah Dude these guys were fucking Nazis. Really? I mean they were so aggressive If the second I like if I went to eat anything they go don't eat it Nope, and they take it away from me and then it and then it we'd at the end of the night Where I like you're everyone's time went on I go one more drink and they're like you're done go to bed And I was like well, I think I could do one more drink They're like nope no one give them a drink go to bed. You need to go to bed. You got way to lose and so I go to bed I'd wake up in the morning everything was healthy. We ate

vegan we ate Clean we ate really great, And then we did activities all day. We played disc golf every day, walked like three miles every day playing disc golf, pouring sweat, kettlebells. We went to audit, I worked out with Rogan. I mean, they planned it like it was a real health trip. So how was the workout with Rogan? It was fucking intense.

Yeah. Yeah. And Rogan's not like Rogan's like a guy where when he works out his brain shifts totally and he gets really into it You know me. I'm kind of like a fuck around guy a little bit a complain. I talk shit and Rogan What kind of workout did you guys do? We did a work or John that we're gonna do. Mm-hmm. Hopefully tomorrow if we can do it and it was It was the weirdest He said because he

John I think run is the head trainer guy. Okay. And he's like, you know, I could, he's like, I, he was, I could do a work. I was Rogan where I just throw tons away on the bar, but he's going to do that anyway. Like I, I could just throw weights everywhere and he's going to lift the weights. He was, I like to get in between the muscles, like the places where Rogan doesn't know that he needs work. So we did all like hip flexors, glutes,

we did all these leg movements, like bizarre leg movements to the point where I was like, my left leg doesn't work. Like it doesn't work the way my right leg works. I never noticed that, that my dexterity in my right leg is so much more acute like I can Like we were doing these hacky sack things We put your foot on the outside then put your foot on the inside and then like go back this and just holding on to thing

Dude I was I was the hardest I've ever had to work out and there's no weight involved Yeah, and then we did we had those the like clubs we did some club workouts with some lunges. Then we did these kettle, my, this kettlebell thing where we just held two, Rogan held like, 45s or two 45s. I had held like 20s or whatever. And you hold them like this. And for two minutes you just hold them like this and do lunges. And I'm fucking, it was like my, all my arm, all my chest my chest on my side everything fucking still hours. It was and it was all but it was all very like doable. The hardest one I cheated so bad too. It's funny because there's a room for a people watching you know like everyone's working out

but he had us do these like bear crawls so like you get on your toes and your hands, but your feet are bent. So you're like feet are like, you're like on your hands and knees, but then take your knees off the ground. Yeah. And then do you a crawl across the room like that? And he's obviously he's watching jokes, jokes, doing it perfectly. And he's like, that's it, Joe, that's it. And I looked and I just got to walk. And then I got back down and someone was watching, and I looked, and I just got to put a walk, and then I got back down, and someone was watching, and I was like, what the fuck are you doing? I was like, I can't do it. It goes too hard.

I was like, and I did that like three times, because we had to go back and forth, and Joe's doing it perfectly. Like, you can see, he's like commenting on like, great, great, great, great structure, Joe, great structure, Joe, who used that core. They filled that core, feel that core, and he talking to Joe and I just get up on a walk and then I get back down and there are people in the room

going, because everyone's a fucking savage on it. Everyone's like, the fuck are you doing? But it was awesome, we're gonna do that workout tomorrow. And it was, I mean, I was pouring sweat and then the best part, the best part was hanging out with Joe. I never get to, I never get to really hang out with Joe, really, I always do a podcast and it's you know before the podcast or after the podcast But was great was just fucking bullshitting for like 45 minutes as he stretched. I didn't stretch

John's like he doesn't need to stretch Joe's fucking. He really fucking yeah, he fucking legs out here head between his legs And he's like and I'm just sitting in Chris cross-crossing Just sitting Chris sauces applesau sauce drinking a peanut butter smoothie. Drink it so fast I hadn't eaten him forever. It was so good. It was so good. And so he, I hope, hopefully we'll get those smoothies tomorrow. They're there. The peanut butter smoothies can on it.

That's what we'll look forward to. Like can we get his peanut butter smoothies? And they're like, let work out for us guys. Yeah, but that guy John's fucking great. He You know, I've been doing workouts for my tricep to like build strength and I'm really good Now I can do school crushers with 10 pounds and I it doesn't tremble. It just looks like regular arm But he did this thing where he had like me crawling and I immediately felt it on the outside part of my tricep. And I was like, I have not been working the outside part of my tricep. And he got in there. It's amazing when people understand people's bodies. Like you know, like, yeah, I don't, I couldn't even tell you if I knew, if I knew how to work

out. Like if you said go work out and you put me in a gym, I, I, I revert to like ninth grade where I go chest and tries, you know, like, I don't, and then guys like John or Lacey, my trainer, when they have different workouts where they're like, it's really impressive. And then we went next door. So we get done, right? On it, by the way, hooked me up, fucking, 500 pounds worth of kettlebells, all the fucking supplements, they're like, stay healthy on the road, gave me everything.

Awesome. Everything, and we've been taking all their supplements to a kettlebell where it's really was like, it was, you know, it's amazing. The gift of health, of someone going like, here, take these, and then all of a sudden you're like, fuck, we have kettlebells, we should do a workout. And so you keep the Weber's six minute workout.

Have you never seen Keith Weber's six minute workout? It's fucking insane, have you ever seen it? No. I've been Keith Weber's six minute workout. This kettlebell workout will crush you in six minutes. In six minutes. In six minutes. Is it one of those where you go from one to the other?

Yeah, one to the other. I've done a goblet squats. It's like Goblet Squats. Yeah, yeah. It's 12 exercises descending in order. So it goes like 12 squats, 12 11 American, what you call it, 10 burpees. Yeah, like Goblet thrusts. Yeah.

Do this will burn you the fuck out. And so we get done at on it. This is, I, so we get done. Mm-hmm. At on it. This is, I'm so excited I'm doing this today. Okay. So we've done it on it. And, uh, we're getting ready to get on the bus, we're loading up all the kettlebells on the bus. And this very attractive young lady, probably 25 years old, all dressed in white, like, uh, like real cute comes running out. She's like, BIRT. And I was like, hey, she's like, oh my God, I'm like a huge fan. And I was like, oh cool.

And now everyone on my team's like, who the fuck is this? And then she goes, she goes, why don't you come check out our shop or our store or thing or facility? And I go, sure, what is it? She goes, do you like sonas, IVs, polar plunges and massages? And I was like, yeah. She goes, do you like sonnas, IVs, polar plunges, and massages? And I was like, yeah. That's all the shit I like.

That's only the stuff I like. That's it. And she goes, that's what we do. And I was like, are you fucking serious? She was like, yeah, come check it out. A huge sauna, three polar plunges, deprivation tanks, those sensory deprivation tanks. And then they have this masseuse.

This one's named Kimberly. She goes, do you have any problems? And I go, yeah, I'm my sciatic nerve. She goes, come here, sit me on a table, does this like raky stuff where she goes, you know, flip, flip, flip, yeah. And then she touches it and goes, is that it? And I went, yeah, she was laid down. She touched my body in a way that no woman has, no woman ever, no woman or man, I'll even say man. She read my body like, that looks like your asshole.

That's what she did, I swear to God. She goes like this, and then she goes like this, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, again. She read my body like, that looks like your asshole. That's what she did. I swear to God. She goes like this, and then she goes like this, and then, and then, and then, and then. Is she strong? No, no soft.

I mean, not soft, but just regular. Yeah. And, and she, her, her husband's like a personal trainer for the chiefs or something. Okay. And so she fucking pulls my leg and like all the sciatic tension I've had just starts releasing and then she goes I It was amazing. I Tom. I was like I've never felt more connected with a person quicker She read my body and was like you have problems here here and here and I was like oh my god

That's exactly it and then she gets Dave. You know Dave know, Dave, yeah, I can say it, right? You know, Dave, I can say it, right? Dave got pretty fucked up one night and face planted. Oh, yeah. Okay, guys, he got really fucked up and then laughed himself unconscious and then face planted. And it was, it was scary. I thought it was a joke so I thought it was

fucking hilarious but he got pretty fucked up and then he had numbness in his fingers and yeah we were like we were like that was pretty fucking crazy. Any broken nose like like his nose was all jacked. She fucking fixed his nose. Really? Yeah. She grabbed his nose and started pulling it apart. She Really? Yeah, she grabbed his nose and started pulling apart. She goes breathe. She goes Yeah, and then she goes she grabs his nose and she goes breathe and he starts breathing and breathing and then he gets up and he goes Holy fuck my nose is fixed and I was like yeah, and she did all the stuff on his back And he's like god damn it man my arm all days like I'm going we're going to her today. We're going back to this glia place today after this. Sana, by the way, every woman there's fucking gorgeous. Number one, every person that works there,

everyone that is there, it's all women that are there and they're all beautiful. I mean, everyone's fucking gorgeous. I'll go, yeah, go. You wanna go? And Sana and Polar Plunge, it is fucking awesome. And they got, they got, I maybe I shouldn't say that.

Oh, I think I can say that. They've got ketamine IV drips. They've got, they've got a, a, a, a, a, a, a, snuggle puddle. What? A snuggle puddle? What's that? Am I saying it right?

A snuggle room? A snuggle room. Yeah, like where you, when you get done your treatments, everyone goes into this room and just kind of like snuggles. I think I might be reading it wrong. I think you're reading that wrong. Peter, am I reading it right? It's just, you're...

Never mind. It's fucking awesome. You gotta check it out. It is so fucking badass. I can't believe it. We're only 22 minutes into this thing. I know, right? Yeah.

You know why? You're a lot. That should be our next cert. Yeah. There's it. Okay, ready? Yeah. Yeah. You know why? You're a lot. That should be our next shirt. Yeah. There's it. Okay. Ready? Yeah. We're gonna sell two shirts on the show on this show. Okay. It's two bearish crames. And one says, I'm a lot. And the other shirt says, he's a lot. So, so you can get him as you're a couple. Yeah. Yeah. You were here when I was gone and you did a show and then I saw that you were backstage and native went to the show.

Yes. Yeah, it was crazy that we just watched them really glow about how amazing I am. It was amazing. The dog was like, was like, you are the best. I know. He kept going like this. I go, what? And he goes, you're the best. And I'll tell you. He kept going like this. Bah, I go what?

And he goes, go, you're the goat. Bah. I think that's, no. Native, you went to the show, right? I did, yeah. Yeah, good time. Yeah, it was great. It's always fun watching you guys up there.

And you know, I saw, last time I saw you guys a set was during the Rose Bowl show. And it's fun to see it kind of change. How different are our shows? You mean from Bird's Show to your show? Yeah, how different are our shows? It's a, it's pretty different. I mean, it's a, Bird has a couple more wardrobe changes than you.

He plays the hits, you know, and, you know, it's just a real emotional rollercoaster. If you had a bit that you that people would want to hear again, what bit would it be? Do you think? Like if you had one bit that like at the end. Well, like what what people yell out? Yeah, do they yell out for certain bits? Yeah. Yeah. Was that was that the show in a job that I did that I pulled up my phone? Um, I don't recall that. I had a thing so. Was that the show in the dog that I did that I pulled up my phone?

I don't recall that I had it okay, okay, who showed you like more I like yours Tom Wow That's believe me that's just he's just well trained wow the dog that that wasn't genuine the dog If you said if you said as a backstage experience, who shows better? I mean, I think each one of you walked Tom, what did you walk Tom through the, through what it's like hanging out with me backstage, first off?

Sure, so first off in meeting you guys, we go to find your bus, which has your face on it, and you have managed to park it right like where the most foot traffic is so everyone's just knocking on the bus being like Hey, Dave you're cooking up meat like everyone like it's just in in everyone's peripheral and Yeah, like they it's you definitely do touring the way Bert likes to do touring. I said that the other day, I was like, I think, I'm never gonna be known as like the greatest comedian that I ever lived, but there is no comedian

that tours more fun than I do. I would, I haven't even been on tour with you and I agree. Like, I think the amount of activities we do and then we definitely, like, I mean, you ask them to all, we both try to eat your fucking stories. Food alone, you already have the title.

Oh, like, I mean, and I would, here's how, I'm being a hundred percent with you, if I didn't like you as much as I do, I would just call Dave and be like, I'll pay you double what he pays you to come cook for me. And like, come on tour and then cook those things. Dude, we, because I've had his, his cook and I'm like Jesus Christ. I the one thing we embrace is that and I think it's because we did this in the pandemic. Because we did it in the pandemic. We had we were forced to live in that bus, but man, we get we take people up on offer. So when people are like, hey, we want you to come check.

We've a dry aged steak facility. We want me to come take a look in Chicago. It's the way to do it. Yeah, I've been doing it more to I've been trying to enjoy what cities have to offer it more dude. It is The greatest I you know, I did that whiskey tasting that you did Yeah, yeah, I did that whiskey taste that the first time for you. Yeah, I'd never done a whiskey I thought I thought you had already done it. No, I mean I've done I've done whiskey tastings I've done whiskey tasting before. Is it any fucking fascinating? He was fucking amazing.

It's why it's always like the coolest to hang out with somebody who's like a real expert in something. That gives you a lesson. The funnest thing in the world is to be around people that are passionate about something. Yes. That's it. And if you find someone, it's like, I don't do this enough,

but like, I really enjoy when people get excited about something. I like listening to them. I don't listen enough. Like, I don't like, is that my thing usually? Like, usually I like to tell them about my passion, you know? I like talking more than I like listening. I think, I like talking more than I like this thing. I also think listening is not my thing is a good quote for you.

Listening is not my like, thing. Yeah, it's not my thing. I also think listening is not my thing is a good quote for you. Listening is not my like thing. Yeah, it's not my thing. Well, and most people, you shouldn't be listening to. What percentage of people do you think should be listened to? That's, I mean, it's a valid point, you know? Let's take this next. Let's take, let's do this.

Look. What percentage of people do you think should be listened to? And what percentage of people do you think I'm better than them at talking? This is really going deep. Because now we're gonna get a percentage. And if you base that percentage on any interaction, then you're gonna have to say,

in this scenario, birds should be talking. The odds are in his favor. He should be talking and not listening, right? Yeah. Let's do this. Okay. Okay. Let's take, let's take,

Bill Murray, okay. Bill Murray. Bill Murray's a pretty good talker, what do you say? Mm-hmm. Probably one of the better talkers around. Mm-hmm. Let's do Dave Sheepel.

No one can deny Dave Sheepel's not one of the excellent. Excellent talker. When he talks, you want to listen, right? I do, you do. Okay. So we're at a dinner party. Yeah. Do you want Dave Sheepel talking or listening?

Talking. Okay. Now Leanne Christler comes up. And she's like, I got a story to tell you, Dave. In a great scenario, could you real quick take her vocal cords and put them in your pocket. And then force Dave to go actually, try to tell you a story. Right. And everyone's there.

Now, we could all agree that with Dave, right? Right. And I love that your two examples are Dave and Leanne, your wife. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because she's the one that always tells me you need to let people talk more. And I go, no, no, no, no, yeah. Well, because she's the one that always tells me, you need to let people talk more. And I go, no, no, no, no, no, no. They're not interesting. Right.

And I can spot out, look, if you're, by your logic though, in this hypothetical scenario, she's not interesting. Yeah, right. Because she's talking to Dave Chappelle. Okay. Do you think she's a good storyteller? No.

My wife is so bad at telling stories. My wife marries herself to the truth. She needs to, she needs a story to be factually accurate 100% because that's how she tells a story. I don't need you, I don't need you to another truth. I'm not a fucking, I'm not a documentarian. Yeah. I'm a fucking storyteller. I want you to feel how I felt. And the truth is a fucking byproduct of that. I want the story to be true. I can't be 100% not true. But it's gonna be a lot of seasoning on this story.

More seasoning than truth. Yeah. Like I need you to, I need you to fucking feel it. Yeah. You know, I told you, I know I told you this story. It's a great story, right? This is how I tell it We George and broker-jaw, right? Yeah, we take her to the doctor. The doctor is like

We need to put her under is really traumatic. We can't get her to stop breathing. She's panicking And he goes listen we can't have her doing panic breaths with this Thing can you get her to calm down? Breathe normally, and then we can slide the thing over first. So you need to get right to her face. So I go up and I go, it's okay baby girl. And I talk to her, and then very casually, they put the thing, I go, look, we're gonna smell it, and we put it over her mouth.

I start crying, I go into the lobby, I'm sobbing crying as they put Georgia under to do this oral surgery. The black woman's in the lobby. Now, do you wanna hear the way Leanne tells a story? Do you wanna hear the way I tell it? Let's go with Bert first. Okay. So, black woman's trying to calm me down in the lobby.

You know the story already. Black woman's trying to calm me down. I'm like, I'm not having it. I'm crying because I think I just killed my daughter. I'm freaking out. I'm a brand new dad. I'm like fucking sobbing crying in this black woman's trying to make eye contact with me to let me know

it's gonna be okay. You know how they can do. Sometimes black woman can calm you down. You've seen the matrix and so So I'm not having it. I'm not having it. I get up I Go they go they go your daughter's fine. They grab me in the am we go back We grab Georgia's got calls blood everywhere take us to this receiving room. We're sitting in the receiving room Oh fucking finally. Thank Thank God she's okay. I stopped crying. And as I stopped crying, the curtain opens

and it's the black woman from the lobby. You know this story. Black woman from the lobby puts her hand on my shoulder and goes, it's tough being a daddy, isn't it? Whitney fucking Houston, right? Whitney fucking Houston. And I'm like, who should this Whitney Houston? Leanne almost dropped Georgia.

She sat down with Georgia, played with Georgia's hair and talked to Leanne aboutAnne about being a mom, and being a dad, and about parenting. It was fucking awesome, right? Great fucking story. Great fucking story. You want to hear Leigh-Anne tell it? Okay.

So, so, so they put George under. We walk out into the lobby, and Whitney Houston's in the lobby. Stories over. Yeah. Fuckly in story. Yeah, fuckly in story. I go, Leanne.

Lan, she goes, well, but why do you not tell them to Whitney Houston? Because the reveal is after. Right. You got to build some. Yeah, the reveal is after. Yeah. But didn't you know it was Whitney Houston? I go, I don't know, babe.

I don't remember. Because I know my story. My story is what I believe the truth to be. So I remember who gives a fuck, you know Yeah, and but Leanne just wants to take a story and then and then when he is who's in lobby? She had a bodyguard with her. She looked pretty. Oh, and then she also came back and said hi But what's the point of you talking then right we should have her vocal chords removed right what is the point? So you go to a party and they go and you get one shot right you meet people

Do you want to put all your chips in front of Leanne to introduce you guys as a couple or do you want to put your chips in front of Bert? I'll answer for you. Yeah, it's Bert. Yeah now We take that and we put that into a broader stroke. Okay. Yeah, we're sitting at a dinner table and Dave Sheepel sits down now Dave Sheepel and Leanne took the same Uber Okay, yeah, and they randomly they took same Uber and they were sitting at the same table and and Leanne goes man We had a crazy Uber ride in that right Dave and he goes, you guys would never believe it.

Okay. Yeah. They go, Tom, who would you like to tell that story? Leanne or Dave should help. Yeah, it wouldn't take me long. Right, yeah. So that's why I don't listen. Yeah.

It's a good, it's a strong case. I mean, it's, you know, there's people here right now listening going, yeah, my wife's horrible at telling stories. Yeah, yeah. It's almost like, she leanne, yeah, my wife's horrible telling stories. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's almost like she leans ripped three pages out of a book and just starts there and you're like, no, I'm so confused. What are you talking about? Yeah. Yeah, Christina actually goes, like when someone's like, what happened? She just goes, Tom should tell you. Yeah. Yeah. You know why? Right. Because she's a professional. Right. She's a professional. Now I guarantee you, there's times where she needs to tell the story. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right? Right, right. And most of the time, we're both there, actually, even with some of the time when it's her story, she'll go top to tell you the story. Because of the way that I shape the story, you know, the detail, what, and also I don't,

like I, she'll drop key ingredients to the story. Yeah, right like I know you have to mention That the guy actually came in and told you to leave like she'll leave out a detail that makes the story move along or builds tension in the story It shoots me in the foot with liens liens problem is she doesn't understand that a story needs a beginning, middle, and an ending. Leanne will start the story at the beginning and then just tell you the ending and then keep telling you the story and then tell you the ending again. And you go, hold on, no, it gets one ending. It gets one ending. That's the reveal. It's almost like no matter how many times we say it, people forget that women are fucking stupid.

And like, by the way, yeah, this is the byproduct of this, is that like my stories are good, but even when something happens to me traumatic, no one fucking believes it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I almost killed me on a jet ski. And when we pulled back in, I was really upset.

Yeah. And I like goes, dad's about to tell you one of his dad stories. And I'm like, hold on. Are you getting in front of this? And then Leanne's like, okay. Here we go. Here we go. Let's hear it. Let's hear it. Yeah. So you got thrown off the jet ski. Were you going like this? And I was like, yeah, it was. And then again, because all everyone deals throwing like this. Yeah. Yeah. And you're like, mother fucker. Yeah. So if you actually had something like really dramatic happen and you try to tell people, like, motherfucker. Yeah, so if you actually had something like really dramatic happen and you tried to tell people,

like, oh, this is just a regular story. Well, you know what? It's the problem is like, like, when I tore my tent and off my arm, I'll have to leave it. Of course. And then he's like, okay. Yeah, if I had been on set with you and you're like, I think I'm really hurt.

I'd be like, you're fine. Yeah, that's the problem. Or like, the other thing that fucks me up is I've, like I can't tell him, I can't, people don't care about weight loss with me anymore because I've talked about it so much. Of course. Or like drinking, they're like whatever.

Okay, we got it. You quit drinking, okay. You're like, well, I actually haven't had a drink in two days. Yeah. That's my favorite when I'm talking to you. You're like, I'm actually quick drinking. I'm like, no, you're like, haven't had drinks this Wednesday.

I'm like, it's fucking Friday. Yeah, well, I haven't drinks this Wednesday. Sometimes I'll take little victories, like, I'm not drinking right now. In this moment. Yeah, and I want to serve a very bad, like, I don't need to do anything today. Are we smoking these between shows?

We're smoking right now any for real I think if you crank the AC on that's like a filter Tell me what this liability is give me a price point. He's just saying that like you know if the landlord Tells him hey, oh you don't own this house? Did the landlord specifically say? For sure, he didn't specifically say that. Yeah, which is a really good case for you. You're looking.

Yes. It's a really good case. For your looking, yes. I'm not gonna lie, the police does not you didn't check the big office, the police does, you can't smoke her, so technically, I think you are right, that means it's you don't take for that really shit. What's your deposit? 25. $100?

1000. $100? $1000. Jesus fuck. That's a lot. I think it's racism. Do you think you looked at any of these? And no, you know, smoking blunts and what you guys do. And he was like, just so used to racism.

He's like, Bert, we're not as smoked blunts in here. And that guy was like, you know, it's normally a $1,500. $1,500. $1,500. $5,000. Yeah. And also, do let's do, dial down the rap.

Yeah, this do impressions of any racist landlord. Okay. All right, listen home boy. I love, Nidav's groans often come with the weirdest place it all He's like listen this isn't a trap house, okay? So you run your hose up in and out of your smoking blunts and silent drugs Yeah, and then and he's like and he starts bringing curtains in I would love to watch his landlord live across the street and figure out What the fuck goes on in here? You know something, racism is so foreign to me,

I can't even do it as a joke. All right, you black son of a bitch, just keep that. It is pretty odd. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And there's like, and how come there's so much equipment coming in? How do you, what are you doing, man? We did a shoot one time for this TV show, First Big Video Games, and we were just bringing a bunch of shit,

people were watching us, bringing a bunch of shit to shoot in this house. And then the film commission showed up and they shut us down. They're like, you know, I'm a permanent shooter. And like, out of nowhere, and I was like, and my head was like, what, what snitches? Yeah. Like, they called the film commission, they do. And we were like,. I was like, my head, I was like, what? What snitches? Like they called the film Confessure they do. And we were like, and they're like,

we're not shooting a movie. We're shooting a TV show, and they're like, we know what you're doing. And I was like, what? And he goes, you know reason I'll fucking lie. All right, they thought I was the producer. And by the way, we had these hot chicks. So we were testing out these seats.

When you play video games that vibrates, we got like fucking strippers and porn stars to sit in them. And they're looking at the strippers and porn stars and they're invading suits and they're like, we know exactly what you're doing. And I was like, we're doing a TV show and they're like, bull shit. And I was like, and they shut us down and we couldn't film it. And I was like, that was fucking crazy.

And then like two months later, I'm watching a porn jerking off. And it's the exact same stairwell that was in that house. It's a glass stairwell. And I was like, oh, that was a porn location. Yeah. And they've been shooting porn there forever. Yep. And the neighbors are like, fuck another porn. So yeah, of course. And you should shoot porn in here. Didn't take a lot of convincing. Did not. I actually felt like I was going to shoot a porn when I got Uncle Shine.

You know, that guy. Did you guys shoot a porn? Well, it felt like it was going there. He ate whipped cream out of a rass whole, right? Well, she actually had a, she's a porn star. She's naked, but she had a thong on because she was like, is he tested? I was like, I know. And basically she was like, that's all I care about.

Like, is somebody tested? I go, he's not tested. She goes, well, then he can't like, my ass hole, you know? And I was like, okay, like it was just for the bit of the, of the, would you, but then split, but then he was like, you could see in his eyes that he was like, it was taken over him and I was like, and took, that's a wrap. Hey, cut and he was like, hold on. I was like, oh shit.

And it made me sad to be in the presence of it. Oh yeah. I wasn't like, I wasn't like, this is exciting at all. I was just like, I really want to go. Let's, can we open the door? And the cleaning crew from that hotel This is exciting at all. I was just like, I really want to go. Can we open the door? And the cleaning crew from that hotel were posted up outside our door.

It's like they knew what was happening. So when we opened the door, they were like, looking over and I was like, what's up? And they were like, nothing, we're just waiting to clean the room and there's three people. I'm like, take three people to clean the room. Oh, you should've thought I could come out of it. And yeah, they knew.

They knew what was up. You got a remodeling, you walked in with a film crew. Yeah, they knew they knew what was up. You got a remata in you walked in with film crew. Yeah, Unk Shine. Unk Shine. Uh, lay lay a will you pull up the picture of the porn star? I think they're name lay a falcon. Yeah. Yeah. Man, if you name your kid, lay a falcon. She's, you know, she's gonna be a porn. I think that's her name. Fuck, that's not her name. Although Leia falcons pretty fucking hot. That's not her name. That Leia falcons a power lifter. Maybe that's her. Yep, that is her. You know it's hilarious. So you see like that? Yeah, one in the middle there. So he goes, he goes, I'm gonna lick your booty, it's gonna change. You

ain't never had your booty lick before. And she goes, apparently you're not familiar with my work. Because he didn't know who she was. He's like, I but you've never had a guy lick your ass. She was like, I've had like three cocks in my ass at the same time. Why don't we go in the pond porn? I don't know. I Was trying to write a self-help book, but I May I say to take it back I sold it I sold it self-help book You sold yourself help that sold myself help book and then I then I took back the deal And I was like, you know what if I'm I don't want to I don't want to do a deal with anyone if I'm gonna

Just write the book the way I want to write, and then I'll just give it to people. Or I was just self-release it. Why? So I'll publish. I wasn't really happy with the entire process. The only thing I was happy with was the editor. I loved my editor. Your self-help book was the one that you were gonna do.

What kind of life advice? Yeah, a person like me with minimal talent, not a lot of good looks, succeeds in life. Okay. You know, you want to give a, you want to share one of your tidbits? Sure. Okay.

You got to give yourself a nickname. Chapter one, all great men have great nicknames, the rock, Hulk Hogan. Were you always, because I don't even remember, were you always your nickname and always the machine? I have millions of nicknames. I guess that was you. Be man. Yeah. Um, birdie boy. Yeah. Birdie boy. Uh, nature boy. At a repeat this lips. Uh, I had, I've had a, I've given myself millions of nicknames.

Yeah. I, I, I wasn't happy with Bert. When I got Bert, yeah. I remember, I, my first nickname when I was in first grade, I changed my name to Flash. And I wouldn't respond to Bert. And then my dad ruined it. My youngest son, whose name is Julian, every day, you say Julian, and he goes, my name's not Julian. I'm not Julian. And he gives himself new names almost every day, and I write them down.

These are the names he refers to himself by. So he calls himself. He's like, I'm not really my co-worker. He goes, I'm Mr. Dog. I'm like, all right. My favorite was Mr. Parking lot. He was like, I'm like, what if you're son? Fire, window. That was one.

I'm window. All right right window. He gets really mad You know, you know what you know what's up. He's a lot You almost made me drink That's the other. He's a lot. He almost made me drink toilet water. That's the other kid. That's my other son. Wait, who's who, who are we talking about? You don't even know my kids? That's Ellis. Oh, Ellis?

Oh, shit, you're talking about Julian. I'm talking about Julian. Yeah. Oh, other kid. Fuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my god. Ellis is a lot. Julian is the one who's like, called me fire.

I'm like, all right, fire. Fire. Mr. President, Doug Days. Doug Days is my favorite one. The other one when he goes, I'm red light green light yellow light. So I was like, oh my god, all right. So I say red light, he goes red light green light yellow.

You guys say it's all three fucking lights. Oh my god, to get his attention. See, I got, my thing was the girls, the girls never called me dad. No? No, they always gave me nicknames. So I, and I would bother me because it mom was, Liam was mom. Yeah. And I was like fetus at one point. I was fa fetus.

Yeah. Bertrood McFuzz. Like they just always gave me a nickname. They're so sweet to her and to me. I mean, look at my fucking, I saw that. I saw that. That's from last night. That's from last night. Because when I get home, they go,'re so sweet to her and to me. I mean, look at my fucking... I saw that, I saw that. That's from last night, that's from last night. Because when I get home,

they go, we want to hurt you and torture you. I'm like, why did they do that to you? Because I think that's like the, I'm the guy they can do that with. Do you think it's cause you're dead inside and they're trying to get emotion out of you? Maybe. It could be.

It could be. It's fucking me. It could be. It could be. It could be they fucking hurt me. They really hurt me. For real? I mean, these are all, I bleed from most of these. Oh my god. I scratch me and fight.

You did such a great job on going full-saved head is such a good move for you. You think so? Yeah, because I looked at a video you did with Timahidecker and you had like some hair. Yeah. And it's better to be clean, right? Yeah, and you looked, I watched that interview with,

how did you, did you know Tim Hidecker? No, they just asked you to be on the show. You know, you know Doug pretty well, right? No, I don't know him well at all. I know him pretty well, I think. I follow Vic, Vic Berger, you know, who does like a lot of their, he's on that podcast, and he does like a lot of funny edits. So I've always like watched his stuff.

It was that that was, I was, I watched that Tim's stand-up special. That's really fun. It was fucking hilarious. And he just did the parody of Rogan. I watch that. I actually kind of tell you I really, I really enjoyed it and I want him to keep doing that. It was really fun. And then they, I would forget, I would forget at times that it wasn't a real podcast. Well the thing about the, the, the, the, the Rogan parody is that like you realize, I was watching the two guys that, that set in and you realize how you've been those guys. Oh, because when they were like, man, they're like, enjoy it.

They're like, how's that the store? when they were like, man, that's why I enjoy it. They're like, how's that the store? And they're like, man, he just kills. They're like, just, god, he kills. Like, all these replica conversations and talking about like the book they're reading about like, like some physics, you know, shit, how like robots can control, like just all complicated shit.

I've talked about it. I texted someone one of the fucking things that made me fall. Fuck it out. Out. And it's and he loops it for 11 hours. So it's an hour thing that's looped. Um, let me see. I texted I was texting with Rosebud.

It's yeah, it's really funny. He is presented by Fudruckers. That's his What was the sponsor behind him? the kind of by the way since we are Celebrating Tim and Eric Eric War, Warheim. Uh-huh. Have you ever seen his Instagram? No, dude. It'll make your dick hard. What he is like a legit foodie He just released speaking of books. He just released a cookbook, I think go to his Instagram dude

I thought because I can't ever tell what those guys want to joke on what's not a joke Yeah, and I thought he was doing a parody of food accounts like his But this guy knows his food and he eats the best goddamn food in the world. Hit his cookbook. Hit his cookbook. What does that say? I can't read. Food time?

Yeah. What does it say? I mean, make it bigger. It's been a few months now that, uh, whoever that is and I released our food Bible, see, with another author, food hind, we are blown away from all your love and support and kind of reviews, seeing you all cook from it, brings a gacha, a bit bit to tears in our eyes.

For real, it's beautiful. For those of you who haven't picked up your copy, you saw it become a New York Times best seller, you know, Helmi has got those pro tips. So it's a real legit. It's, dude, it, go through his, go through his Instagram pictures, his, the food he posts.

I mean, like, great shots of the food so far. Oh, dude, he eats like a fucking king. His food comes up and he knows he's shit about food. Those guys are really interesting, guys. I saw them live one time with a friend. I saw one of their live shows. Yeah, it's fucking they're fascinating dudes. I'm so talented. I was I had I don't think they'd enjoy anything I've ever done. Yeah. Isn't that interesting? Yeah. Not interesting. Oh, by the way, same for me. I don't think they did. Yeah. Yeah. Not interesting in the future. Oh, by the way, same for me.

I don't think they did it. Yeah, no, I don't think they did it. I don't think they did it. I think we're the thing that inspires them to create the thing they make. Yeah, yeah. No, they're like it. And like I would, by the way, I would try to be like,

I know you don't like my stuff. Let's put on birts so I can see you hate something more. Do you, I wonder what they would think. I bet they don't even know who the fuck I am, but I wonder what they'd think if they'd saw me, the beginning of my special where I take my shirt off, I would love to see how quickly they turned it off. They might watch for a while. They might, I just realized, they probably laugh

for the very wrong reasons. They would be crying laughing Yeah, yeah, and like oh my god. Yeah, yeah, I like and I wish we should do a character They made me laugh. They they used to do this things with Zach. Yeah, Zach dude And I remember did you watch billion dollar movie that they made? Uh-uh. I don't watch everything I don't know there's like like the first Few scenes in that movie made me laugh. It was so fucking hard.

They made me laugh. They have a one where I don't know, they were Zach, Zach and them walked in to a thing, walked into a house. All I remember is the one line. And Zach was like, the girls don't need to be right here.

And Eric turns to the girls, he goes, girls, go eat on the wave runners. Go eat on the jet skis. And it's just such a, I don't know, I don't even be a fucking giggle, whatever. Yeah, that's very funny. Yeah, I, I, I, I, Rosebud texted me. She said, can you see in this?

And I started watching that. The parody? Yeah, and it was, I love parody. I love that. I mean, I, you know, I think that shit's, well, it's so well done because it's like straight. Yeah. And like, you could tell that people are like, where's like, where's the joke?

Yeah. Like they're waiting for like a over the top punchline, but they stay in like the little thing watch a lot of Rogan. Yeah. Well, I mean, yeah, but I also you can also watch a somebody that was like, just watch these three select ones. Yeah. You could kind of like, you know, find the rhythm.

And- I don't know if I would enjoy parody of myself. Yeah, it'd probably be hard to watch. I don't think I'd enjoy it. I think I'd be like, I would be like, cause I'm so sensitive. I'd be like, do you like me? Or if you like me and you make a parody of me,

I'm cool with it. But if you don't like me and make a parody of me, I think it would, cause especially those guys, if they made a pair of me. I'm cool with it. But if you don't like me and make a pair of me, I think it would, because you, especially those guys, if they made a pair of me, because it would be, it would be all the things I don't like about myself. Of course. They'd zone in on the things I hate about myself. And then they would like repeat it and like punch in on it.

Yeah, it would be, yeah. No, it would be rough, for sure would be rough. Oh, I come thinking about, maybe I'll do a pair of them myself first. Maybe I'll just do me. I don't need to do a pair of them. I already do a parody myself first. Maybe I'll just do me. I Don't need to do a parody of it. I already do a parody. Yeah, you're good. You're done. You're good Hey, yeah, Tim and Eric, can you do it two bears one cave? Oh Let's do a parody of our show right now ready. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay's a good idea. You beat Tim Heidek who would be you. Yeah. But Eric looks more like you. Yeah. And I look more like Tim. Like we both have me and Tim have more like leading man. Like Jollons.

Yeah. That's true. That's true. Um, okay. What? So I finally, I, a few weeks ago, I was so fucking dying to pull up the... It's Josh Robert Thompson that does the Morgan Freeman

and I saw that you got to see it, but isn't it? It's fucking. So he put it, he said it to me, but then he actually publicized it. Can you pull it up? The, yeah. Can, so people, because I was talking who don't know We were talking all about like white people especially doing voices of other

Races and like when is it okay? And then one of the things I said was like well if you fucking nail it like if you are Perfect at it. Yeah, then like you know, there's no ill will behind it, but you're also nailing it. And this guy, he's a comic voiceover guy, Josh is, and he heard us, he got wind that we were talking about it. And then he, he, he got, he did it here. So just go ahead and play it. Hey, man, I just want to say thanks again for mentioning me on the show.

A big fan of two bears, one cave. And I heard you and Bert talking about my Morgan Freeman voice. You know, I think most people would agree that Morgan Freeman is probably the greatest voice of all time. But what a lot of people don't know is that I do the voice of Morgan Freeman for Morgan Freeman. You know, it's kind of a Wizard of Oz situation, you know, pay no attention to the skinny white boy behind the curtain, you know.

So now when you're here in Morgan Freeman, and it may help for you to close your eyes at this point because it's going to be a little disconcerting to hear that sound coming out my pie hole. But when you hear Morgan Freeman, what you really hear is me. And it's a fun voice to do because I like to go around and oh, I narrate people's lives. You know, that's a fun game that I like to play.

I might narrate things like, well, Jimmy got up in the morning and brushed his teeth and took a shit and those kind of things. But in your case, I might say something like, the two little bears, Bird and Tom, went inside the cave. Two bears in one cave. They stayed inside that cave for over six months.

I'm most folks in town just assumed that the two little bears were hibernating. But the rest of us knew that Burton Tom was up to some other kind of bullshit. Oh, maybe they was oiling down their pasty ample hairy bellies and playing a game of rubber-dub dub. Or some other perverted bullshit. Either way, here's something that we love to listen to. One of our favorite shows of all time. Two bears, one cave, our Morgan Freeman. Maybe get busy living, or get busy, you know,

shitting in the woods. I don't know what I need that animated. They play real Morgan Freeman, only a real Morgan Freeman. I mean, it's wild. That's crazy I forget that it's not Morgan Freeman. Yeah, it really is something. I mean he He he also does the pauses perfectly, you know, yeah, like he really pauses exactly the way Morgan Freeman would it's Yeah, it's something man. He's So so talented at it. That's, um, yeah, it's, it's something man. He's so, so talented at it. God, that's, that, are you playing it? I think you forgot. Yeah, trying to, trying to find something that, uh, that's good and won't get us flugged. Um,

yeah. Well, what do you get flagged for? YouTube, YouTube, if you have, if there's something like copyright and you know, like if it's like, uh, a clip from a CBS show and so what can't, I, I can't say anything about coronavirus. We get taken down, right? Uh, I don't show. And so what can't I can't say anything about coronavirus we get taken about, right? I don't know. I don't know if you can't say anything. I'm not sure. I really know.

Jeffrey Epstein. The trial. What can you say? What are things that you can't say? On a New Zealand. There's not a lot you can't like talk about, but if you were to initiate something that somebody could easily repeat, that would get people, what do you mean?

Like, if you were to say, here's how you smoke alcohol, like you can't do things, you can't kind of define how to do something dangerous. Let's stop right there. You can smoke alcohol. Yeah, yeah, snored it too. Hold on, you can smoke alcohol. Uh-huh. How do you smoke, exactly what you said not to say.

Exactly what we shouldn't talk about? Well, now we got everyone googling how to smoke alcohol. Can you really smoke alcohol? You can take it in rectally too. All right, let's hear this real quick. I'm going to move this all the time. I've seen the movies. And at some point it struck me, it struck me dramatically. How much, how much,

I wasn't in the movies, I wasn't in the movies. Do I sound like Morgan Freeman. It's really good. I can't do. I'm Morgan Freeman. That's really good, man. Thank you. You always pull up another person. I'll do another celebrity impression. I just figured out I can do it if I can do it if I hear them talking. Yeah, because that was spot on. Give me give me another celebrity. Pull it up. Austin or Albert. Albert. Albert. Pull it up Austin or I've been oven oven At least yeah, let me take a piss you look for somebody why I take a piss

I've got more I've got more impressions ready. Yeah, pull up the ones we were working on Okay, wait wait, I'm gonna do it. You don't tell me who it is. Okay, ready tell me who this is okay You had to think you have me empire? No time you'll be Godfrey. Nope I don't want to think to be a vampire You imagine what I do you have me empire? I like the pixies All right play the Christina yeah, I nailed it you ready. Yeah Gosh, how much do you want to be a vampire?

Gosh, I want you to make a pack right now that you'll make me one? God. Gosh, how much can I be a vampire? You made her so much more unlikable. Right, now I'm going to perfect Drew. Give me Drew. Oh, you made it. Yeah, ready to go.

God, I want to be one so bad. I want to be one so bad. Just in art our nicotinamide riboside. Okay, give me give me words. I know how to say Okay, he's gonna get the tone give me some talking Drew talking. I heard the start anyway Mushrooms mushrooms mushrooms mushrooms Mushrooms mushrooms mushrooms mushrooms Thing hey man you gotta do something what are you gonna do you can put the truck? Hey man you're gonna do something you gonna do I'm Dr. Drew hey guys. I think I think we've reached the end of this bit. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Give me another one J. Lano I think I just that's how you do it. You just gotta listen to him closely and just-

I think, yeah, I think you have the right concept, idea down, but I don't know if we're doing it. Jesus Christ. Oh. Oh. Okay. Now, are people out of this? No, aren't people, you know, I'm losing my voice.

That's why I can't do it. No. No. Yeah. I wanted to be able to do impressions so bad when I was young. When you see impressions at first, it's the most amazing thing. I remember watching Frank Caliendo when I was 26 years old. He fucking nails impressions.

That is, can you see if you can see Frank Caliendo, you know what he does one thing that it is kind of niche and that you really have to follow this to really see how, but when you do, he's got this thing for NFL coach. He's like, he's really into doing impressions and like his gruden impression, he does gruden, Andy Rie, like, I could do gruden though, that gruden's easy.

No, not the way, his manner, he gets, he gets it down to the mannerisms. Yeah, this like, yeah, I don't know that everybody he gets he gets it down to the mannerisms. Yeah, there's like Yeah, I don't know that's everybody would be like screwing Give me grudin real quick. I'll bang out grudin real quick That's that that's Frank game gave the hundred and twenty five 25% not just over 25 it's a little bit of a it's a Kakao accent

Yeah Maybe I'm not the best at impressions You know what I'm hanging my hat up. I'm just gonna do a burnt and that hat you got where in Norland's in Norland's I love Norland's I can't believe you ate it. I don't hate it. You don't love it the way I do. No. You also, to be fair, I fantasize about it. No, I'm gonna say that you also will come back from anywhere and be like, I fucking love Kansas City, Nashville, Chicago,

Seattle. Are there not a city I don't love? Right, you come back with that same. That's because I'm a lot. That is because a lot. Because there's places that you and Leanne don't like you go Oh, I'm not a big fan of that place. Yeah, then I go I love that place But like is there a place you don't love

But you know me times you've told me it was the greatest side of my life. Do you know me times you've told me that? Which is triple digits. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's not like I live it top three. I live in a different reality, I think Like I live in a that's what schizophrenic people also say I live in a different reality, I think. Like, I live in a world. That's what schizophrenic people also say. I live in a fucking world where I only want the greatest things. Like I only want things to be perfect. The best. Yeah, and I have a problem with it.

I'm a little bit of a perfectionist, like when things start to fall apart or when things are real, like when things get very real, it starts to bum me out. You know, like little things like, I don't know, I like, like, I'll perfect example, this is gonna sound maybe a bit of a stretch, but like when Priscilla started having knee problems, it fucked me up, because I was like, I want everything to be perfect.

I don't like, I don't like, and Leanne is like, no, like if I lost part of my finger, I'd fucking, I'd be like, so I don't get the whole finger for the rest of my life. Yeah. Like that would fucking make me crazy. Does that make sense?

I mean. So this is almost, it doesn't make sense to me when I'm saying it. But like, I have a really great example that I can't use, that it would explain it perfectly. Oh, good. But I can't use, that I, that would explain it perfectly. Oh, good. But I can't use it because I, like if Leanne cheated on me, I would, it would destroy me because everything's perfect right now.

Like, I want it to be perfect. I got you. Like, I want everything to be the best it can ever be, you know? And so like, when, and I don't like change a whole lot. So I like, I don't when and I don't like change a whole lot. So I like I don't know I don't know like yesterday waking up like I wanted Norton to be everything because I haven't been in Norton's Be able to be in Norton's throughout the pandemic So it's like let's get up and let's day drink and everyone's like well, we have two shows like I don't give a fuck Everyone except things I'm drunk on stage anyway. No one gives a fuck

I and by the way I the way, I can also operate, take a nap and get, have some coffee and do two shows. I don't have a problem with that. I'm also don't get way fucked up so that I can't do my job. But let's go day drink. Let's have a great lunch. We've been dieting. Let's go day drink, have a great lunch, drink some hand grenades, a couple hurricanes, a fucking, and dude, it was, it was the greatest, I'm doing it. Yeah.

It was the greatest fucking afternoon you could ever have. In New Orleans, in New Orleans, fucking Sunday football, you walk into a bar, they got the fucking football game on. And you would hate if some, like some real shit were to kind of take away from that experience, right? Yeah, like, yeah, like, I like living in the fantasy. I love, I love all of it. And so I, I, I, and then, and then I like to imagine, like all day yesterday I was thinking, what are cities I would move to? Leanne leaves me, right? She kicks me out of the house.

I'm done with you. Where are places I could move that, and I could be burnt, because Leanne, me right she kicks me out of the house and dull with you. Where are places I could move? Then and I could be burnt because Leanne I don't ever have to worry about Leanne showing up Right right and so Norland's one of them Leanne hates Norlands She's like, oh, I would why would you want to go to New Orleans? I go it's fucking blast like it's there's there's things are always around the corner You always run into someone that you went to high school with the norlands Right, and like shut the fuck up. No, like Errr And uh, is that one of the places you would move then?

I was my short list of places I go tell me Norland's Malibu Lee. I'm would never moved to Malibu. Why? She fucking She loved Malibu hates Malibu. It's the she hates Malibu Just because there's like the only the only she only should think about Malibu is the kind the shit. She hates Malibu. Just because there's like, the only thing about Malibu is the kind of one way and one way out. Sort of. I'm already fantasized about it. I tell you what I'm gonna tell you my plan for Malibu.

Yeah. Start dating a yoga teacher. I'm gonna buy her a yoga studio in that little complex down by Zuma. I'm gonna buy her a yoga studio there. And I live in Malibu and I get horses. I live up in the hills. I get horses. I overlook the ocean, I've actually looked at properties.

Yeah. Because I love the fantasy, I love to pretend, and then go and then build it out in my head. In New Orleans, I was, New Orleans is where I go to die, like that's where I go, she kicks me out, whatever, I have something happens, and I can't redeem myself,

then I go to New Orleans to drink myself to death. To the west, Q-Watley, and he hates Q-Wat. Europe, you would be just a fixture in Q-Watley. Dude, yes. I've already figured it. You know, having ways to die, but there's a guy who's a lot like him. I've already pictured what I look like when I live in Q-Watley. I never touch his beard, it just keeps growing, right?

Yeah. And my hair, I'm going to grow it out, long as stringing. I'm going to lose a ton of weight. I'd never touch his beard, it just keeps growing, right? And my hair, I'm gonna grow it out long as stringing, I'm gonna lose a ton of weight. I'm gonna be like 215. And people would be like, God damn, he's got big arms. And then like, show shit, is that bird? And then everyone was like, oh my God, what happened to him? Oh, Leon,

he's, Leon kicked him out of the house because he hit her or something. That's a great example. That was the only thing I had to think. That's the only logical thing. I was like, I'd never seen on her. I never seen on her. I never seen on her.

I can see she'd be on her. You know what? I didn't hit her a clue. I didn't hit her before I'd see the butter. I'd hit her before I'd see the butter. I'd hit her before I'd see the butter. I'd hit her before I'd see the butter. I'd hit her before I'd see the butter. I'd hit her before I'd see the butter. I'd hit her before I'd see the butter.

I'd hit her before I'd see the butter. I'd hit her before I'd see the butter. I'd hit her before I'd see the butter. I'd hit her before I'd see the butter. I'd hit her before I'd see the butter. I'd hit her before I'd see the butter. I'd hit her before the cheater! Where do you think you would hit her? You won, what did you? I did it! AHHHHH! You think it would be close-faster open? AHHHHH!

That's the close-faster I've never slapped anybody! I would have started to slap! I would have started to slap! You just put your... Oh fuck! Oh fuck! Oh fuck oh fuck oh Oh my god oh fuck me I know that felt really good

I know. That felt really good It's so funny that like one of my first so fucked up with my thought was like I'd like to see it If you did I'd be like do you have it on tape? It'd be a great opening clip for your mom's house It's all the nests cam! It'd be a great opening clip for your mom's house Guys we got a great clip We keep playing the audio drop of her scream. What am I missed? I just wanted to miss.

Oh, we got it. We're done. Yeah, we're done. We're done. All right. I'm performing at the Greek everybody. Singoremayo. My wife will be there.

Chicago. April 16th. Yeah, yeah, you've added a second arena show second arena show Chicago. Oh Fuck me do you think we I will find that funny? Yeah Oh Fuck all right, I love you. I love you too. Bye guys Bert Tom Tom and Bert one goes top to swap the other wears a shirt

Tom tells stories and birds the machine. There's not a chance and hell that they'll keep clean Here's what we call Scoob hairs on Kay Keep clean, here's what we call, screwdriver's one cave. No scripts to be the booze amateur for Toilogy, dirty jokes, ranchy humor, no apologies. Here's what we call, screwdriver's one cave. you