2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 116 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: January 17, 2022

It's another episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer, and Bert is having a rough time recovering from the previous episode. Bert went into a deprivation tank loaded and had a day of polar plunges and packed saunas and marvels at his incredible genes. With that, they talk about ayahuasca which cause Bert to have a panic attack mid-thought. The bears discuss sleep, touring styles, disc golfers, and E-sports gamers. The bears get into their personal body counts, how fat their faces get, and Bert's love of hot dogs and food.

The only thing I associated with you for, I don't know, a couple of years was just Tito's and Soda. Tito's and Soda. Is that still a thing? No. Really? I bring a Tito's and Soda with me on stage, but I did Veno November, so I did a bottle of wine every night in November. That's uh... That's not a thing.

That's not a thing. 100% You look like you've been at sea for a while. This fucking Austin kills me. Yeah. Yeah, because I fucking... Oh my man. I partied so hard yesterday. So wait, we got a little fucked up here.

I continued that at a very quick clip. I just when I was leaving, you're like, I'm having another beer. And that's the last thing I heard. I'm gonna have to have a beer this morning. Okay. I'm fucking, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm I get mixed up on what yesterday was Like I can't remember I Keep thinking I was smoking pot in my tour bus before dinner

Did your tour bus here my tour bus is here. Yeah, okay, so I keep thinking that but then I keep going I think that was before we went to Kuyya So you did go to Kuyya. Yeah, I went to Kuyya yesterday and what you did you were fucked up over there? Did they know I was yeah, they knew they yeah, I Thought they didn't but they did they did and I was I was fucking I was I was was, I walked in with the fucking Tallboy screwdriver. And yeah, I knew, I'm certain this is a place where- Isn't it like a wellness center? It's a wellness center, yeah.

Well, the center, and I walked in with a Tallboy screwdriver. I was like, put me in a deprivation tank. And they did? I went to a deprivation tank for an hour. did that did that feel it was that crazy oh no so fucked up time so you didn't really experience it at all I'm fucking just fell asleep sleep were you scared of drowning no you're you are on top of the water. Okay, like you you are buoyant as fuck Okay, like I got in the guy was the guy that owns it runs

I'm everything's a little bit of a blur and I don't and I don't know why I don't know when it started the blur started I was like functional. I don't think anyone really knew that I was fucked up. It was very functional and I got it You just say they definitely knew you were fucked up? At the end of the night, at the end of the night, I thought I was playing it off cool. But like, I did like a, we did like a two hour session there. What else did you do?

I was in a sauna for like, I couldn't get, I couldn't break a sweat in a sauna. That's weird, very weird. Well, I was polar plunging for four minutes, five minutes. You were doing polar plunges too? Yeah, I was doing polar, let's start with the, the, the operation thing. They get me in there.

They put you in a, they put you in a, in a massage chair to relax you, they give you some like, some rose, pedal water, something, some sage, they sage you, and everything, and then they put you in a, And you're drunk. I'm drunk. And then they put in your drunk. I'm drunk. And I'm very high.

I'm very high. Like I don't get, I don't smoke pot a great deal. But we went back to the tour bus and we smoked another joint before we went to Kuhia. And so I walked in, I'm very high. Because I remember Rogan being like, you wanna be high in these deprivation tanks. They put me in a massage chair

and I fell asleep in the massage chair. I was in the massage chair just fucking passed out and he's like, I'm into the deprivation tank, I'm like, uh, and then I got totally naked, got in the deprivation tank. And it's crazy because it's, it's the lights are on and there's music

and then and that's like your warm up and then you hear like a And the lights go off in its pitch black and at first I was like I'm gonna freak out Yeah, and then and then and then you find your brain I I found my brain going in and out of dream so like I would not lose a dream But I would go into a dream and then come out of a dream and then go into it and come out of it and then and then I and then I had like a little bit of a period where I had so much salt water in my eyes Like couldn't set up because it's too buoyant so you just like I had a heart

I was like fucking I was in there. There was a if oh there is a video. I brought a camera in and So it I it I had to get out one time and like rinse my face and then get back in. And then I just passed out, I woke up and I was like, fuck, are people still here? Because I was like, it's just pitch black. And I was like, how long have I been sleeping? I woke up and I came out and I was like,

hey man, you good? And I was like, yeah, I think so. And I was like, how long is I in there for? He's like an hour. And I was like, okay. And he's got a good nap. I got a good nap. It's, you're really buoyant.

Like, that's the crazy thing. You are on top, you're actually on top of the water. Because it's that much salt. It's that much salt you're on top of the water. And you're very, I did not experience whatever everyone else does with a hallucinate. I did not get that. I just, I'll tell you what, it was crazy.

It's my, my, my back kept cracking. Cause, cause you're, you've, I've never been in like a weightlessness. Like, and so all of a sudden, you're just like elongating. Uh-huh. And then all of a sudden, my back just started going like, like almost decompressing. Mm-hmm. And I was like, stretch it and then it would go more. That was right. It was kind of crazy.

But then I don't I don't think I rinse the salt off me. Like I didn't totally rinse the salt off me. I try like I was like salty like and like they're like stacks of salt on your body. And then you get to the sauna and it's fucking packed. body and then you get to the sauna and it's fucking packed. Yeah, it's like fucking everyone's in there like there's it's a lot of lot of dudes a lot of fucking chicks everyone's attractive. It's a unisex. It's a unisex sauna. Whoa yeah and then and I'm like, Burt don't talk. Don't talk. Yeah, because I'm fucking wasted Don't talk. Don't talk. Yeah, because I'm fucking wasted. And so I go through the first round. I don't talk a polar plunge. I talked to the chick polar plunge in. Wait, what are people wearing?

Just like bathing suits. Okay. People are going in polar plunge and then coming in get back in the sauna going in the polar plunge coming back and get in the sauna. So I do it good. I'm like I'm doing the the sauna for like 15, 20 minutes. And then I'd break a sweat. But the polar punch would get you so cold, that you'd be in the sauna for like 15 minutes just trying to get warm. And then I was like, and then I was like, I had perfect, I don't really spoken much.

And then someone was like, do they have these in LA? And I was like, yeah, but usually there's a dude stuck in another guy's cock and everyone's like quiet And I'm like god damn it. I knew I shouldn't talk and then I leave I don't realize like Dave and Andrew were in there They're in there. I leave and apparently one of the guys goes. That's how I met him And then they talk to me, they'll suck me in the other's cocks. And the next like, if Dan likes to start it, something, where they were like, and they, everyone's like,

wait, you really suck cocks in the here? And they're like, I'm going to say, I have a very popular in Hollywood. He's like, he's not Ryan. He's like, it's more steam rooms, but yeah, it's more steam rooms, where we blow each other. And people are like, you guys really blow each other?

And you know, it's, it's Kueh is is how big is this sauna it's big is this room I have a people are in it maybe eight okay maybe eight I don't know I don't remember my eyes were closed a lot like I was just like this a lot like I'm like usually there's people's suck it's cocks yeah it was it was it's weird because because you know the people that go there are like Aubrey Marcus. They're very open-minded people right. They're very spiritual people. They're like they're talking about doing sweat lodges like they're very cool cooler than me. Everyone there is much cooler than me. And so like when the conversation of like blow jobs comes up, everyone's over-minded. They're like, you know, I guess I went there, I just dropped the bomb and walked out. And then, but they were like, Dave was like, everyone was very like positive and like,

it wasn't like a negative thing. They were like, yeah, I'm very fluid sexually and stuff. Yeah. But it was, it was really fucking cool. I wish we got massages from the ladies that she was really great. She wasn't in yesterday But we spent we spent like two hours there had a fucking blast and then did you feel sober ish coming out of there? I thought I was fucking sober like I swear to God it I

Thought I thought I was sober the whole time like I thought I was sober like I'm functioning. I'm high. I know I'm high I'm like and when I get out I was like I am'm high. I know I'm high. I'm like, and when I get out, I was like, I am stone sober. And I started drinking vodka out of a fucking, that's what I think got me. Because we had a cool, like a little cooler, little rowdy of vodka. And I was drinking it. And yeah, I was drinking it like it was water. And in the, in the Uber to go to sushi.

As sushi. And that's what you think, and that's what got me. That and two bottles of wine and sushi. We went to Uchi. Yeah. And I'm supposed to, I mean, yeah, it is really good actually. It was fucking awesome.

But wait, are you sure? You know, I don't really, the one thing, my one takeaway was the, they said it was, this girl rejoiced in telling me it would be a 45 minute wait. I think it was like so bizarre. What do you mean? How was this?

She was like so excited to tell me it's a 45 minute wait. I was like, and I was like, okay. And I said, probably, she wrote it and she goes, oh no, it's 45. Like it was the bizarreest conversation. I said, how long's the wait? She goes, oh, you're gonna be here for 45 minutes. And I went, okay.

And I said, can we get a drink? And she goes, yeah. And I go, okay, but it probably, like I always think, they say 45, but it's gonna be less. That's what they always tell you. And I was leading into that. And I was like, but it'll probably be less than 45, right?

She went, oh no, it'll be 45 minutes. And I was like, cool.'ll probably be less than 45, right? She went, oh no, it'll be 45 minutes. And I was like, cool. And it was 15 minutes. Hey, what? It was a 15 minute fucking weight. And so we had a glass of wine, and then we just told, I told the lady, Razzle Dazzle.

I said, just Razzle Dazzle. And she got it. She figured it out. Like, I didn't have to say much. For the food. All the only words. She goes, what can you guys what do you guys like and I said let ma'am razzle dazzle and she went I get it so she just brought shit

out she just brought shit out and it was fucking awesome and halfway through dinner I said I'm not working anymore my brain I'm not functioning I need to get the fuck out of here. And they were like, what? And I was like, we need to leave right now. Like call number right now. And they were like, really? And I was like, and I mean, Peter can tell you I was like, I, I don't, that, that, the last thing I remember was a short rib, uh, Suci, the sushi. I remember getting one of those and going, I'm done.

We got to go. What do you think? What do you think did it? What do you think took you to that lab? I know fucking clue. I think I got rufied I'll stop I think it was the woman that told me I'd be a 45 minute wait. No, I don't know something happened and I I just turned off and And I didn't I remember waking up in my bunk with my pants on and I remember waking up in my bunk with my pants on and Going five it's four in the morning. I went to fuck a workout today. I was like shit I was killing some water. I finally looked at searching in my bunk for waters. I was killing waters and

Then we got out we all walked from where we're staying to on it That like wait didn't before then didn't you think you were in a different city? I don't remember that. I remember any of that. I don't remember. I remember the short rib sushi sushi. And I just had that. That's the last thing I remember. And then this morning we're walking and they're like, do you remember thinking you were in San Diego last night? And I was like, no. No recollection of this. Like no, like zero recollection. It's actually the only time, so you seriously blacked out. I blacked out, I fell asleep in the Uber, and I woke up and I said, are we close to the house? And they're like, we're staying in the tour bus.

I said, we're in San Diego right now. And they're like, no, Peter, what was I saying? Do you know? What was he just sleeping? I don't know. Peter, what was I saying do you know? What was he just sleeping? Peter what was I saying? And they were like we're in Austin. I was like no we're in say I was pretty certain we're in San Diego. And they were like what and I I remember that. And that I swear to God I thought I when they said that I thought,

did that happen in the deprivation tank? Like I have no recollection of any of that. And then I got up and I murdered a workout. I murdered, there's something fucking amazing about me. Yeah. That I can be black out drunk. Call it an Asushi restaurant. Think I'm in San Diego. Yeah, then go to see you because here's the thing yesterday

We finished I told you that I had to go work on something and then you said well, I'm not going then to work So I didn't think you were gonna go work out you said you weren't gonna go. Oh, no, no I love working out. I love working out. No, but do you remember that or no? No, I don't know Yeah, I remember tell me that you go if you're not going I'm not going I said that absolutely. I guess I changed my mind I don't remember when I did Yeah, we all the guys worked out. I all everyone on the bus worked out and I told everyone you were getting your bisectomy reversed

This is there they were like, where's Tom? I was like he's getting getting just like this effect from your reverse. And they're like, for real? I go, yeah. Yeah. He was, wasn't happy with it. Not a lot was coming out. And so, yeah. And they're like, Oh, because he does come a lot. And I was like, yeah. It's funny hearing people, it's because now you live here in the life. Man, that guy loves the aquarium. Yeah. I've been once. He's there every fucking day in his big green car. Yeah, I've been once. He's there every fucking day in his big green car. What's the word of God? People that on it think that they're like every day every day you guys are the quorum.

Who's and which one of them is every day at the aquarium? You fucking fish fondler. Yeah, I went one time. It was a great workout. We did we did he did this guy John wolf He check see what he does it on it I think he is like the head trainer he he was one that worked out with me and Joe and He does these workouts that like you He likes to destroy the parts of your body that you don't know that you have Like like uh, that's him. Yeah, he's a fucking badass.

His fucking arms and legs are so goddamn big. I can see his definition in his legs through his pants. Really? Like his fucking quads and you're like staring at him. And he does these things. Like, there's no cheating with him. Like, first of all, you do all these open your chest and push and breathe. And then all of a sudden you're like, fuck, I'm breaking a sweat from the warmup. And then, and then he did us,

how to do these bear crawls again, which are fucking like, cheated again. I was like, he didn't know, I hold no now that I cheap, but this fucking I wait till he's turned and you stand up when he turns I just get up and walk. Fucking we did abs and I just I wait till he walks away and I just drop. And then it was like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it was and then my cousin Andrew, He was like guys if you deal with an injury You're dealing with an injury get let me know I don't want you to hurt He goes I know births got an elbow kind of thing and Steve fury's like I blew out my ACL my MCL And I have no Mniskus left. He's like okay, all right great. So we're doing these bear cross of my cousin Andrew I'm dealing with a pretty bad thumb injury Like, he said it never said that He was what happened to your thumb. He's like heard it long time ago on the cross Long time ago

Fucking dumbest thing So but yeah, then the fucking stefiri threw up. He did? Yeah, he doesn't party much. He always talks about liking drugs. I'm like, I think he might be a drug act. He goes up, he's just very blunt. He goes, I'll do a lot of exercising. I'm going to go throw up.

And we're like, really? And he goes, yep, and goes to the bathroom, throws up. And then he's like, all right, I'm back. Oh my god. He party's pretty hard But he smokes weed smokes blunts. I think he likes mushrooms. So he party the last night too We bow he was the one that was lighting the joke. Oh me and Andrew were the one smoking pot. I'm smoking pot I'm sure Andrew's like, please don't tell anyone I smoked pot. Did he throw up like at the end of the workout? In the middle of it, in the middle of it. And then again, at the end, and then shit himself. At the end, he had to take a shit and he was like, it's coming out all the holes. He was like very unhappy.

He was like, he did not like enjoy the workout. And then we did like a big kettlebell workout at the end with halos and presses. And it was, oh, fucking love that place. Yeah, it's crazy that like it's crazy Because you remember when on it started yeah, yeah, and it's bizarre that how big it's gotten huge Yeah, cuz it just started with like I'm still blown away by that that technically it all started with flashlights You love bringing that a lot That's amazing to me.

Cause it's just like a testament to don't ever say no. Take every opportunity. Cause if Joe hadn't gotten those flashlights, and the Arbery wouldn't have started on it. Yeah. And now it's like a multi, multi-million dollar business. Crazy.

And you go there and like, I mean, I'm, it's funny because I, I mean, I, nothing, I've never, I've never been there before. I've been there now twice in the past week. But, to know when it's where it started from, right, to see where it is today is so impressive. I don't know. I think of it, I find that fucking fascinating. I haven't seen Aubrey yet. He's a fucking legend in Austin. Yeah, everyone talks about him. I can clear. Everyone that saw the new he was like that. Well, yeah, I mean he's

He is fucking shredded. Yeah, he's really fat dude. He is a very fat dude. God damn it. Like if I wonder if my wife would be like, yeah, bring him into the bedroom. Look at that fucking and he's got perfect hair. Like his hair is perfectly haired. You sound like you really want to fuck up man You ever do Ioska yeah, I want to for real. Yeah, why so I want I want to experience Really yeah, I actually tried to set it up. No, I swear. For real? Yeah. Would push do it? Uh, I don't think so. Would you do it? Who'd you do it with?

I was just going to go and do it like with uh, whoever administers it, you know. You're doing it by yourself? Yeah. You're so fucking weird. Hahaha. Hahaha. Yeah. Why?

I have no interest in doing ayahuasca. Why is that weird? I just think you'd go by yourself and just go, oh, or- What's supposed to be like a, you know, like a personal, you know, vision quest journey. That's what I was, what I was hoping for. It wasn't like, hey, let's get my friends together and do ayahuasca. Yeah. No.

You're fucking weird. Yeah. No. I'd want to do it with you. Like, I'd want to do it with a big group. A big group. No. You're fucking weird. Yeah, no. I'd wanna do it with you. Like I'd wanna do it with a big group. A big group, no. I don't wanna do it with a big group. It's gonna lower depressions. So, but, do you hear Ron White's story about doing it?

No. He said he did it the first time was like fucking scary and he was like, I'm not doing that again. But you do it like five days in a row or something. Really? You don't just do it once, you go in and you do it. See how it affects your brain. I'm having like, I'm not really need a beer.

I think I'm having panic attack. Really? Okay guys, let's get him. Get what? A beer. Oh, oh, oh, oh. That just scared me. What do you think I was?

I don't know. I thought you were fucking with me. So wait, I thought you were going like, God, let's get him. And then they were going to come in. Did I sure look too small on me? I have a, it's DMT is the same thing as Iowaska. No, and also it's real that DMT significantly altered electrical activity in the brain characterized

by marked drop off in the alpha waves, the human brain's dominant electrical rhythm when we are awake. I don't know, does it release that? I meant to bring a bunch of beers over here. We should have Dave come over and bring beers over here for any, so we have a bunch of beers on the bus that we should give to any because I drink all his beers all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll do that. Yeah, I don't know if I don't know if I would enjoy Iowaska. But I didn't really mind the deprivation tanks, so I wonder if I just would

fucking feel the same way about Iowaska. What if it made me quit drinking? What do we got? Oh nice. Oh, foody do range it is a good one. Yeah, yeah. I'm really starting to. What's your beer of choice? It used to be for a long time. I was associated with the Heineken.

Yeah, Heineken were a big thing for me. And then I stopped drinking Heineken's when we did our weight loss. Really? Yeah, when we did our weight loss challenge, I stopped drinking Heineken's entirely. What's your go-to beer now? You know I don't have one. Really? I don't have one. Then you were also the only thing I associated with you

for, I don't know, a couple of years, was just Tito's and Soda. Tito's and Soda. Is that still a thing? No. Really? I bring a Tito's and Soda with me on stage, but I did Vino November. So I did a bottle of wine every night in November. That's uh

That's not a thing. No, it is. I made it. Oh, yeah, I made it. Yeah, I made it. I was the only one that did it By hell do it and I had a bunch of really great wines. I'm more of a wine guy these days You you look like a wine guy now. I feel like a mess right now. I feel like I mean I feel like I'm wearing shorts on everywhere shorts. Can you see that I'm wearing shorts? Good. Do you know who else is a wine guy and this is for real? Johnny Dup. Who else is a wine guy and this is for real Johnny Dup? Who? George Dupardu. He loves wine. Does he?

Do you know about him getting fucking blackout drunk on a plane? And he pissed in the aisle? By the way, that could have been me last night. I know. He pissed in the aisle. I love that, baboo. Yeah. He was super drunk.

If I say my beard, I'd look like that now look up his plane thing man like he he got He got blackout drunk. He had he fucking I think he drank like a few bottles on the flight Apologize for the humiliating incident We saw him removed from a flight to Dublin, urinated in front of fellow passengers, after being refused to use the lavatories to plane prepared for take-off. This before take-off. By the way, I've been there. I've been there. When you're like, hey, I need to use, I got a piss. Oh, yeah. And then they're like, I'm sorry, sir, not now.

And you're like, no, I'm going to piss my pants. Yeah. I'm going to urinate my pants. And they're like, then you have to go in your pants. Yeah. And you're like, hold on, what world are we in right now? It's, yeah. I actually, I actually, I'm signing with Gerard Dupardu on that one. How about Gerard Dupardu wine consumption? That is aggressive. He starts drinking at 10 a.m. He starts drinking wine at 10 a.m. And he says when I'm bored, I drink. That was also like, looks like seven, almost eight years ago that he said this 14.

What's he look like today? Not one of these pics, wow. There you go. He doesn't look that bad Yeah, it's pretty good 14 bottles of wine at that I think smokes Yeah, but if you look at him you go if he's still alive He's so French, you know accused of rape I Kind of changed the whole tone of everything

No, she has this This room smells horrible Just I can't get past the smell of this room. No, I was a wine guy on November and then I in all this room. No, I was a wine guy all November and then, I do, I, you know, I don't really have a drink these days. What? I don't have one that I've been enjoying. I don't have one that I look forward to.

But you wanted a beer for instance right now. Why did you think you opted for a beer as opposed to? I know that that's what any has. Oh, but if you could, if I was like, you can have any drink you want right now, anything, is there anything that pops into your head? Oh, it's Slurpee Really?

Slurpee I'm I'm I'm like I'm a very unhydrated right now Would you will you snap today? Yeah, but on the way to Houston. Yeah, we're I'm gonna fucking pass out on the way to Houston Yeah, I'm gonna fucking pass out on the way to Houston. Yeah. I'm worried about that nap. What about it? I'm worried that I won't take it, that I won't like that I'm gonna miss my nap. That's why I wanna have a couple beers today.

Oh yeah. And then pass out. Napping's I-A-D sucks. I've had it so much. Yeah. And I'm not a good napper. I have to be like, in a really perfect mental state or totally exhausted to catch a nap.

I really hate it. I had, so I fucked up my naps the other day. I'm really good at napping before the show. You are? You can sleep for an hour right up to show time. I'm jealous. Oh, it's the best. I go, I go, we do like a fun day workout and then when I try to get back to the bus around

five and I pass out around five thirty and I'll sleep up until seven o'clock really I have him wait I have Peter wake me up as the show starts so that they're getting on stage and you're starting to wake up and I'm starting to wake up And it's backfire because I've gotten on stage still sleepy before yeah, but if I usually have a coffee I'll take a quick shower have a coffee and then Get on stage and like within 14 minutes of waking up. Every time we do this, I keep thinking of the thing you said. We tour so differently. Why?

I mean, that just sounds that what you described would give me such anxiety. Oh, for real? To be woken up as the show starts, be like, take a coffee, you're supposed to shower, and you're like, oh my God, I'm being a panic. Oh no, I love it. I love it, because within, then I know I've maximized my day.

You know, like I've got, I'm not sitting there awaiting around. Okay. Like I like to know that it's, that how do you typically sleep at night on the road? Within two minutes, when my head hits a pillow, I fall asleep. And the time is that usually? Three in the morning.

Yeah. Yeah. Three, four in the morning. And then what time do you usually up? Bus calls usually around two and then I wake up around 10. Okay, so you're getting like, all right, six to eight hours. Yeah, wake up around 10 and then we try to go do something active like we'm playing a lot of Frisbee golf

Disc Golf a lot of disc golf yeah a lot and there's a great place in Austin to play disc golf yeah and all through Texas Texas has been fucking amazing to play this golf really yeah legit courses Where do we play in Austin? Fuck Peter doing But yeah, I've been enjoying I played disc golf, you know, what's really interesting is I played disc golf in college before it was like a big thing You did yeah, we played a lot in college and And then Yeah, we played a lot in college. And uh, and then my buddy wanted to go pro. And we all made fun of him.

But if he had gone pro, he would be at the top. I mean, he'd be like one of the best disc golf players in the world now. So he would have been playing for the best 20. One week. You make a living doing that? Uh, yeah, some guys, I think so. I mean, it's good. It's good.

It's good. It's that you're good. I mean, I am pretty good. I, well, because only because I played played we played a lot when I was younger So I have like a great underhanded throw How much can you make So I guess I mean you make money Yeah, I'm I don't know if they I don't know if there are a lot of women they're gonna be like.

Sponsorship's are with a real money. So that's probably not. Let's sponsor a disc offer. Like YMH style, like a two bears style. Yeah, we're gonna fucking decked out in two bears here. Yeah, head to toe. Head to toe. Get them in the new shoes. Yeah, all right.

Let's see, top disc golfers. Preferably someone with a disability. I think that's, that'll be better branding for us. Yeah. Yeah. Is there someone that's blunt? Not blind would be a hard disc golfer. No, no, no turn him this way This freedom you gotta go left too far left

I wonder what sponsors they have. Like, what kind of sponsors? You have a blindness call for. This is current. Oh, this is like coming to the first tee. Johnny, I left. Hey, what are we sponsored? Sponsor Josh Potter. You think you think he could do it?

I think it's not so. or Josh Potter. You think you think he could do it? Is it say? Oh, Viril. Make it bigger? Lenova is the biggest disc golf the ones I know I know so wait can we see some pictures of some pro-disc golfers yeah I want to see uh disc golders top-disc golders Let's get a check. Let's sponsor a check. Yeah, there's a whole top seven women in this call. Yeah, let's see them.

And pictures too. Okay. Page peers, too young, next. Okay. 614. Okay. Sarah. H14 okay Sarah Hulcom Hulcom, yeah Evalina

Salonin They're all young they're all fucking yeah, wait this time the heads we haven't a do adult here. We go Katarina Katarina Allen Katrina Katarina Katarina Katarina you're right. Yeah Jessica weasel looks like she smokes weed Don't she I don't know Pays Birkis Birkis is fucking 14 Jesus Christ Helena Bloom Bloom Rousse Hannah that's her name. Yeah

Bloom bloomers. Hannah. That's her name? Yeah. Hannah is a child also. They're all very young. They look young, I should say. I don't know their ages. Does it say their ages?

Okay. Well, I mean, we can, we could definitely reach out and see if we could sponsor someone. I don't even want to sponsor. Is that really where we should be investing in? Maybe not. I don't know if it's considering that we can't find the top golfers of the sort that we're not gonna be able

to find. What should we sponsor? What athlete should we sponsor? How do I know? Fisherman Let's really think out of the box, okay like Esports always could support it

Yeah, but they don't but they did they listen to podcasts. Yeah, our sponsorship should lean in to getting us new listeners Right, right, right, so we need to find something we need to sponsor something that will if you sponsor some badass a gamer. They could possibly work. Yeah, sure All right hot chick gamers I bet there's some smoking hot gamers. Yeah, yeah Yeah But why do they need us for Female top feed him what's another female who is short sponsor a team Let's see

Yeah, look at these look at these are the top highest earning female esports gamers in the world. Let's see who they are Are you guys into gamers gaming? Any you seem like you be a gamer Jerry comes from. Oh yeah? Yeah. He loves gaming. Okay.

Here's Sasha. Sasha is very attractive. Is it, can I not say that? Yeah, you can for sure. I hope she's 18. Okay, she is very attractive. Okay. She's like got Okay, she is very attractive. Okay. She's like got model good looks.

Oh my God. I'm reading what's underneath it. She's from Canada. She's grow a little more. She's 24. Okay. He's for sure in the world with. She earns $200 million.

I think that's $200,000. Oh. Yeah, that would be fucking odd. We don't know who she was. $200 million? I think that's $200,000. Oh. Yeah, that would be fucking on. We don't know who she was. Yeah, yeah. Okay, Katherine Gunn, Mystique, Jesus. Oh, those are their gaming names.

Mystique. Yeah. She's American. Has been professionally gaming. Can you make that bigger? Since 2007. Okay, Halo reached, she has, let's see. All right, she's making like six figure stuff.

They're all making six figures. Ricky Ortiz. What's her gaming name? I don't know See if it says it underneath here The birth unknown Okay, okay, oh really? That's like her game. Oh Ricky's also knows for being the highest ranking transgender player Oh, Ricky's also knows for being the highest ranking transgender player. Like the first one who you thought was gorgeous.

Sasha's transgender? Yes. Fuck, yes. Yep. Then we'll let sponsor Sasha. Ooh. Oh, Georgie. I love this haircut.

Bartel. Kassumi. Wait, go back to Sasha. I didn't know I could not identify. Wait, wait, wait, wait. let's go through this list first, okay Marjorie yes bar tell yeah, cuz sumi chan I like her cut. Yeah, she's very glasses. It's like throwback style. Yeah, it's very attractive. Yeah, I hope we're not gonna get in trouble with gamers gamers are fucking Why are we getting crutch? I don't know. You never know what, like you're not

supposed to call chicks attractive. All right, she won 50, that was a long time ago. These are like, I think this is an old list, man. Do you know these people are dead now? Ha, ha, ha, ha. When does that list come out? Go back to Sasha. I can't believe Sasha's transgendered.

Okay. Yeah, I guess, I can't believe Sasha's transgendered. Okay. Yeah, I guess I can't see it. Well, you're just looking at one image. You could look at me. Yeah, type in more of Sasha hosting. They got, they've been bullied because of this. Is that what that said? That article?

I didn't see that. I don't see it. I don't see it. Is that? Oh, I still think she's hot. Are you sure? And by the way, is there an advantage to being transgendered in esports? I don't know. Like if you're, if you're, if you're,

shut up. So there's no, there's no benefit to be a guy and play eSports. Girls are just as good as guys. They can beat in the same really. So what other sports does is does sex not matter? because Billiards They shouldn't matter right But that is our women in the same. No, they have female male I bet because there's the black widow Yeah, I met her once I think. That's that the bill. I played I played pool with her. How was it? Uh, she's a bad back. Really? Yeah,

she's a bad back. What am I not supposed to, was that a secret? I don't think so. Yeah, type in the black widow. She'd be beautiful fucking Beautiful are you gonna pull I think you're gonna say you're gonna Asian chicks. Oh Are you an Asian checks? Are you I never was and now I am Did you ever she is gorgeous? You ever hook up with one? No, I've only hooked up with whites It's my whole thing my whole whole list are whites. Really? Whites, let me think. I have to write them down. It's only six of them.

I'm going to write down my list. All right. You try to write down your list. Okay. People you've made love to. Made love only? Yep. Okay. up. Okay, um, put Leanne is the last one. It's probably best. Um, that girl Liverpool.

Wow. How many of you people have you had sex with? I don't know. Do you need any more ink for that pen? It's not that long of a list. It's not that long of a list. I thought your number was going to be in like the hundreds. No. For real?

No, do you? How many women have you had anal sex with? Anal? Zero. For real? They're right anal. Me either then. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Uh, uh, Jesus. I can't remember their names. This one kinda counts. My dick was in her butt cheek in her bed.

Oh, here we go. My blow job list is through the roof. Really? Yeah. Ha ha ha ha. I remember doing a TV show with Gary Valentine. Gary Valentine is Kevin James's brother. We are a TV show together.

He is the funniest human being alive. And we were talking to a sex expert. And she was talking about She was talking about As a number of people who have sex with increase your your and create you increase your odds of it's very Very obvious you increase your odds of sexually transmitted diseases and she goes Gary only how many people get sex with and he goes do we count blow jobs? No I'm so laughing! She goes! No, I think he's... I don't know. You've been coding bloodshops in your sex paper!

He's a...he is fucking hilarious. He is one of the funniest human beings. God damn it. That's crazy to become friends with someone and then you just don't ever see them again. Yeah. Not bizarre. We used to spend every fucking day together because we worked on TV show together. We drink every night.

Do I ever tell you the time that we prank Gary and we put Mike, Mike, Burton in the back of my truck. Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes. And then he didn't he pop up? Yeah, he popped up. That was the fucking hardest. That's not Mike Burton. You know, the problem is what lists like this though is that you probably dated all these girls. Yeah, no, no, no, these two I didn't. Okay, because most of these are one-nighters

and they're so old. But do you count putting your dick in someone a little bit? There's one, there's two checks I kind of put my dick in, but I didn't fuck them. But we kind of like, you know, like just like little and then you're like, ah, and then they suck my dick. Jesus, man. Is that why? Why didn't you guys, why did you put it in and not?

I, we gonna be honest. Yeah. Because I come so fast, I didn't want to just blow, I was, I was having fun. So you were like, ah, let's not do this. No, it was like, and it was, and I don't wanna do this. But did you frame it as I don't wanna do this yet?

No, no, no, no. What I really wish I had had sex with. I really, one I really wish I hadn't had sex with. I really, in retrospect, I really regret not having sex with her. Which I knew her name. She was the coolest chick. To this day, I think, I get excited for her husband now.

I wish I could say, if I saw her husband, I would say, hey man, you really scored. Like, she was the funnest, coolest, cheque she was from Chicago. She, I wonder if we can call her. My burp smells so bad, right? I smell so bad. I think this is a kind of complete list, I think.

I don't know. I bet I could count blow jobs too. Really? I bet I could count blow jobs too. Really? I bet I could. I wish I could find, I have a picture of her. I bet I'd know I don't. Oh, I wish I had phones earlier. You wish you had phones?

Like, meaning like pictures on your cell phones? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Does I would love to see some pictures from like when I first started comedy? What's your number, Tom? Is this a complete list? I think I'm forgetting a couple of randoms. These are so old, man.

You asked me to think back like... Like, like, think, okay, who did you lose your virginity to? I wrote it down. What does it say? I don't want to say it. Why? There's many names like that. No, no.

Why? I just don't want to. What is it? Rhy many names like that. No, no. Why? I just don't want to. What is it? Rhyme with. Stop. A benefit. Why didn't even, I came and read it. I know. That's fine.

I think is it. What? I don't want to say it. Why? Do you know her still? Of course. Really? Well, yeah. Do you talk to her or stuff? No.

Do you follow her on Instagram? No. Do you follow any of these checks on Instagram? Uh, yeah. You do? Yeah. Let me see one. Can I see one? Yeah, Christina. I found her. No, I heard. I follow...

I don't follow her. I should follow her right now. I'm gonna follow the girl I lost on her virginity, too. Okay. I'm gonna grab my phone. Jesus Christ. You know what my dad said? Has the tuna out there. What do you say?

My dad goes, uh, Where was this? Where was I? Was it my dad that said it Peter where he goes, a guy doesn't have a virginity? What? He goes, you can't take a guy's virginity and we were all like, you definitely can.

It was my dad said it. You weren't there Peter, it was over Thanksgiving. Someone said something about losing their virginity and my dad goes, you can't lose your virginity. You're a man. And I went, it was like almost like an old school way of thinking. Yeah, yeah. That we were like, that everyone's a virgin. Yeah. And he's like, no, not guys. Yes, that I go, yeah, he goes, no, you can't take a guy's virginity. Yeah. I was like, I've taken a lot of guys virginity dad. I don't know her. I don't know, I think she's married.

I don't know her, her nanny. I guess to try to find it. I don't know. Maybe I do follow her. I bet I do. You know what's very cool about my list, though? What? So I have two sisters and I slept with both of their best friends. That is really fucking cool.

And can I tell you, I think about that a lot. Yeah. The one I think about. I wonder. And they both had very different reactions. Really? Yeah. My, uh, oh, I can't follow her now. I'm fucking talking about this on the goddamn show.

What, is it a public profile? No. Is it private? It's yeah, it's private. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck can't follow it out, but one of them is not on social media at all So on any social media apps really yeah, I need to start a burner account Get a burner account start start following these hosts. Yeah.

I was in the car with, I was in the car with, now you're thinking like any. Yeah. I was in the car driving over here today and I was like, I can't, like, like, Leanne is fine in Texas today. And I go, I can't believe I'm still with her. Like,

like, and then create, you ever think that, like, you're like going like, I'm still with this one person. Yeah. Like, out of this list, there's, there's, you ever think that, like, you're like going like, I'm still with this one person. Yeah. Like out of this list, out of this list, out of all the checks I've ever dated, and hooked up with, that Leanne's stock. You know, like that one's stock.

Not crazy? Yeah. Do you, do you, how do you feel about the fact that it's stuck? I'd rather be with her than with any of these women, easily, but like, definitely without a fucking doubt, yeah, without a doubt, without a doubt. I'm really happy I'm with her.

But it's crazy that like that's the one, you know, like all these ones had reasons, I bailed, right. And then even the list of just girls, I've dated. They all have a reason, there's like a bailed on all of them. And it was like something happened where I was like, oh, she's fucking crazy or, or, you know, ex, whatever.

But then the end didn't do anything. And you know, we had to be friends when you didn't have fun, we had to date when we didn't have phones. There's so much harder than the kids' phones. Like when we first started dating, you weren't texting. When we first started dating, you had to spend a lot of time with that person. Yeah. Like there was iPhones, we're now-

You call, you make phone calls, right? You call them, but when you were together, you weren't on your phone, you were just there. Right. There's so much easier now that I can like tap out and not talk to her and just be like, huh? What? Yeah.

Relationships, since cell phones, relationships are, I wonder how many of these girls would have stuck around if I had a cell phone? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha She's brilliant, huh? What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. None of them ever texted me pictures of themselves naked. I know, we missed that. We missed that whole thing. We missed that. God damn it. I missed all of that.

That's crazy. I'd, on this list, there are, there is one that definitely would be telling us any me naked pictures really all hundred percent I definitely have a few hose on this list You realize that I don't know like the majority of these names. They're just nicknames I mean I wrote down pool party Savannah. That's not her name. That's the city we fucked in I mean, I wrote down pool party. Savannah, that's not her name. That's the city we fucked in.

Who do you think on that whole list? Who do you think you did the best to? Did the best to? Yeah. Oh, I know. I happen to know her name, so I can't say it. Yeah, because some days you just, you're performing, right?

I got, yeah, one of mine, one of mine was one of them. So there's two one night stands. I know who I did the worst with. I do two. That one right here. Man, that one was fucking bad. This was bad. This was really good. This was she was disappointed. Oh, this one, this one almost threw a punch at me. Oh, this one, this one almost threw a punch at me. She went like this and I was like, this one built up a big talk and then I realized as we were doing it,

like I wasn't attracted to her. And like it went from flirty stuff before to like, oh, I don't think we should be doing this. We don't have any chemistry. I don't see what we was just talking to me like I'm talking to you right now during sex You know, she was like yeah, she was like so you're gonna come and I was like I was like Nobody keep talking like this. Yeah, yeah, and then I was like yeah, just be quiet I'll try to finish I think crazy out of that whole list that you ended just be quiet. I'll try to finish. I think crazy out of that whole list

that you ended up with Christina. I know. I know that whole list of people that have all had a shot of the title. Yeah, yeah, I know. But actually, you know, there's a bunch of mistakes on here. The most of these are mistakes.

Which is accidents. Well, just like, I mean, just, there's, like, okay. These two were potential yeses, potential yes. Fun, crazy hookup, disaster. I wanna see pictures of that. This one. How come they don't have an app? How come they don't have an app?

This one's kind of famous I can't say you gotta tell me now now tell you later. Wait tell me now. No, so I can wait tell me So you guys actually two famous people? Yeah, I guess so How famous like what is what is she tell me who it is and then we'll turn it out now why cuz you know I'll talk about it. Yeah Well, now, why does you know I'll talk about it? Yeah. Yeah. I'm here, you know, I never looked up somebody who I almost ended up with. I've never looked her up.

What do you mean, we almost ended up with? I almost ended up with her. And I married to her? Well, I mean, I'm saying it could have gone down that path. Who is she? A girl that I dated. What do you mean looked I'm saying it could have gone down that path. Who is she? A girl that I dated. What do you mean looked her up?

What do you mean you just said? Like after I was like, no, like I don't want to, I turned her down. Yeah. I've never looked her up again. I never looked up her name. I never looked her up on social media. Do you know her name is stuff?

I know her, what I, what I, what I, I know what her maiden name, I don't know if she's married. You know, I assume she is. I wish I could find wonder if the chick who I dated in New York follows me on Instagram. The girl. Oh, what if I can look around? You probably can. I would be very interested to see what her life is like. Should I look up that girl now? Yep. right let's see I'm going into people to follow me 1.8 million well there are a lot of girls named Dana I think her name is Dana. What if her name is Dana?

Is it Tiffany? Wouldn't it be cool if there was an app where you could track all the people you had sex with? And then you could connect and find out who they've had sex with until you've had sex with based on who they've had sex with? What? Like if you, like, okay, so if I put types in the people that are on my list, that I had sex with, and then I could go in and find out all the people they had sex with, and do six degrees

of separation from sex. Is that English? I wish I could find, I wish I could find find I don't go into my DMs. Oh, have you ever done this on your DMs Tom? Go into your DMs. Okay. Okay. Go to root 99 plus requests.

Okay. Okay. And then go to top requests. Uh-huh. Okay, it tells you all the top requests, it tells you all the famous people that have DMed you. Yeah. You've done that?

Yeah. Donald Trump. Yeah. It's amazing, like from, and I've never read any of these. And it's like, from 56 weeks ago, I don't, I haven't fucking looked at any of these. 59 weeks ago, Netflix DMed me. By the way, are you getting the steps popping up? Let's keep Instagram a supportive place.

I don't even have seen that. Reminder to follow our community guidelines and be respectful and messaging others. I keep getting that and I wonder if I've... I've never... I don't reply to anyone or send anything. So I wonder if like someone's sending like nasty messages to me. Oh. Am I really?

For what? I don't reply to anybody Are you serious? So they think I'm saying nasty things to people? Oh No, my content is very supportive I bet you know your the problem with you is you don't gain weight in your face really. Your face always stays the same. Completely not true. For real? Type in Tom Fat

face. Do you really do so fat? I get so fat. Everyone just commented how skinny you look in that picture. You posted yesterday yesterday? Oh, you're right. Oh my God. Yeah. You look like me. Yeah. In that picture, we look like we could be related. So fat.

We got fat I am there. That is not, that's not, that's a very different man. Look at how ripped you are in that picture. Before and after. People commented I look skinny where you said? On the picture you posted on Instagram, were me and you standing next to each other? Oh.

Leanne's like, Tom's lost a lot of weight. She saw me last week. I know, that's what I said. I was like, God damn it. I was like, I was in the picture also. I lost fucking 15 pounds. She's like, yeah, I know, but Tom looks really good. It was, uh, it was in my stories. I don't know if it's still there or not. Yeah.

Yeah. It might be gone now. Oh, yeah. It's the next one. That one. I'm a feet looks skinny. What? My feet, my legs look skinny. I'm working on my body. I know. Yeah. Big fucking arms. Look at this fucking arm.

And these on it shirts. Bro. I'm just jacked. I'm fucking jacked. You are jacked. Like inside here are so many muscles. And like my lower back is strongly shit. I'm doing a lot of dead lifts.

I like that you always find the positive in this stuff. You know, like right now you're like, my lower back is strongly shit. I'm doing a lot of deadlifts. I like that you always find the positive in this stuff, you know? Like right now, you're like, I have a strong lower back. It's in my lower back, black. My lower back. Yeah, my lower back. You're lower black. Who's your higher black? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha The reason I go to audit is get the first move these my favorite fucking High treat when I was in college who would get fucking loaded yeah, just some bomb ribs

Blunts joint like get absolutely ripped yes, and then go in the kitchen and make Peanut butter milkshakes like ice cream peanut butter There's when you're super high. There's nothing the butter so good peanutmilk shake. Oh my god. That's the best thing I've ever had I'm my mom. I want hot dogs. I love hot dogs I've hard times thing no to hot dogs. Do you remember the time we were at the beach and I ate like 18 hot dogs? Do you remember that we were my beach house and I kept eating hot dogs and Do you remember that? We were at my beach house, and I kept eating hot dogs, and I had diarrhea. Yeah. And I go, I wonder what I got to get a diarrhea from,

and you go, you've eaten two packs of hot dogs. And I went, will they give you diarrhea? You're like, are you being serious? Yeah, but you also had a bunch of donuts that day. I did have donuts that day. God damn it, good memory. Yeah. I remember I ate a, so.

So, let's just recap this. You had a bunch of donuts and a bunch of hot dogs. I see the hot dogs right fucking now. I could have you have hot dogs, Kenny? No, you do not. I'm gonna have a fucking hot dog today. I'm not crazy how you manifest things. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Yeah, that is crazy. How good though, how good would some fresh donuts be right now? I'm not, I'm an assaulty mood. Oh, you're an assaulty. Yeah, I want salty. I want, I want, I want, I would tear up a donut right now. I would tear up a hot dog. I could go for a double cheeseburger from Waterburger.

I could go for breakfast burritos. I could go for pizza. Breakfast burrito sounds good. I could talk about all the stuff. Breakfast tacos. Breakfast tacos always sound good. There's a bunch of good ones here. Why don't they do more breakfast? Why don't they do a breakfast pizza? You know, pizza? I bet they do, right? I know, but pizza should be, or dominoes should be doing breakfast pizzas. It's a good idea for them. But because do they type in breakfast pizza? I saw, I saw Mario Batali do one for Michael's stip one time. Uh-huh. He made, can you type, fuck that looks so good.

From wait, from REM? Yeah. Type in, Mario, goddamn it, that fucking, that's what I want. Yeah. That's what I want in life. And it, but the problem is the egg doesn't travel so great. Yeah, yeah, by the time the egg It's cold you got to be there type of Michael's type Mario Batali. Yeah, it stinks the Mario Batali that's definitely how you spell that you wrote be Italy

egg egg That's funny how you spell that. You wrote B Italy. Egg, egg, egg pizza. If you can find this, I'm, I remember watching this. They're like best friends, Michael's typing him. And he had Michael, he might have Michael's type over and he made him an egg pizza. And I watched it and I was like, just little things, chef can do little things things like just the way they sprinkle salt on it Yeah, and dude his

Multimario was such a good fucking show Who battalysh? When he would just have people need make them Italian food and they'd sit and they'd eat and it was just it was such a good fucking show Does he do anything now? No, he got me to and I think he's I think it was like I think it was I don't I don't remember really but it was like it was just unsafe work environment. Oh he was like kind of aggressive at work or something. I guess I don't know I don't remember I remember the whole thing. I'm not all I can say is I like this TV show a lot. Yeah. Do that was the old school food network was the best. No slight on the current

food network programming. I love guys grocery games. I love those type of foods, but I don't like competition foods shows aren't as good to me as like a straight up chef cooking and talking. I love that shit. Bobby Flay, making steaks and telling you how to, I remember getting so into cooking because of the cooking of the food network. Yeah, I love that shit. You know, I made my own pasta one time because of that.

Yeah. And it was so fucking good. Pasta, making pasta, that when you make it, you know what it it did I made my own pasta and I did um what's the what's the bacon fat with egg yolks I don't know uh fuck fuck fuck fuck Italian dish it's Italian dish and it's it's uh it's it's the fucking bacon egg of carbonara. I mean spaghetti carbonara with real pasta one time. And it was, I'll tell you what's beautiful about that.

We can't do it hungry. You have to do it not hungry, because it takes a while. And that's the fun thing, is making food when you're not hungry. And taking your time with it. And it's like, God damn it. Out of all these checks, only my wife cooked for me. That's a big deal.

Isn't that interesting? Yeah. As a matter of fact, I don't know if any of these women can cook one of these checks, I had sex with her, and I thought she must have had a baloney sandwich. Do I ever tell you this? I was like, she had a baloney sandwich. I haven't had a baloney sandwich in forever,

and I like baloney sandwich. Can you smell the notter? I smelled it all over her. I was like, she had a baloney sandwich. Who eats a baloney sandwich where they go to bars, but I was like, whatever. And I bumped into her bar the next night, and we go back on my catamet,

she had it in fucking another baloney sandwich. I ended up spending the night that night. I wake up in the morning, she goes, you hungry? And I was like, yeah. She's like, what do you want? And I was like, I'll take a baloney sandwich. She goes, I want a baloney. And I was like, you don't?

She goes, no. And I went, oh, you just smell like baloney? Like, your natural smell? No, I didn't say that. I just kept it on myself. I like smell of baloney. So I didn't have a problem with it. Ah!

Ah! Ah! You think that was just what she smelled like, baloney? Really? I'd be curious if you met her to smell her. I would love to smell her. You could go, I love that one, I love it, hike. I love it, I love to smell her. Just go. I love that one, I love it, hike. I love it. I love to smell it, different people that walk past us

and she would make noises based on their smell. There's a fucking fun at you. No, she would, you made a good point. I'm counting out who coached for me. Coach for me, coach for me. The first one, coach for you. Yeah. You were like 17 years old. Yeah. But we dated

for a while a few years. Oh, for real? Yeah. One, two. And did she know that she took your virginity? Yeah. You told her. Mm. It was at the same time. I took her. I mean, oh, you guys shared it? Yeah. Oh, that's so cool. What's that like a mess? Wait, and were you scared and nervous and cry? Yeah, did you cry? No, is she cry? No, I think it was more like I feel like it was more like okay, that's done now You know, I mean like it was I don't know was I don't even know we were kind of nervous and it was like oh I guess I'm I guess I'm not a virgin anymore like it was like that. I don't know what I don't you got what it is. We were kind of nervous and it was like, oh, I guess I'm not a virgin anymore. Like it was like that. I don't know what, you gotta like, you gotta,

what do you do to take someone's regenerative? You have to like break something, right? Well, yeah, I guess isn't it the hymen that breaks? I don't know, pull up the picture of the hymen. Woof, what? I don't even know what it is. Um. Okay. Uh, okay, I don't want to see this. I don't think you have how are they spreading?

What is I'm so confused? Well, there it is. So what is that tears that that's the thing that blocks things? Well, it's just, um, I don't want to fucking see this. Why is that gross? And that's a vagina. It's inside, yeah. So that tears when you have sex and then...

Do you remember breaking it? I don't remember breaking it. I remember the blood. Really? Yeah. It's all over your dick. It's all over everything. Really?

Am I getting my assholes tingling? Yeah. Yeah. You asked my bleed too if you do it. Really? Yeah. Am I getting my assholes tingling? Yeah. Yeah. You're ass might bleed too if you do it. Oh fuck. So it's on the, it's like, it's like, it's like a, a, a, a, look at that one right there in the middle is perfect. That one, yeah. See? So that skin tears. The vaginal opening. Oh fuck. Oh wait, so, oh my god. So the vaginal opening is smaller. Oh fuck, I don't want to know about it. I don't know I don't know never mind. This is a bad mistake That's fucking crazy

Yeah, only one cook for me and these bitches can't cook for sure Yeah, she cook this girl probably can't cook she's from Liverpool Yeah, I don't even want to find out if she could. I, you know, she was tongue tied. No. Yeah. Tung tied. You know what that is, guys?

Is when you can't take your tongue out of your mouth. So in order to kiss you, you just licked your tongue. How long? How long you dated her? That was a night. It was a night. I think she had sex with me so she was by the night. Oh, I think you told me this story. We went to we went to a we went to a

theme park or her or sister and then she Wonder if there's I wonder if she is watching this right now and she goes wait That's the guy I thought she was like oh, Lady that's the girl I fucked Hello That's the guy I fuck her. She was like, oh, laddie. That's the girl I fucked Hello, I told you she's she drank wouldn't be crazy if you married her. No, I would not We didn't we didn't have a lot in common We I did she we didn't have much and she was fun. She party. She smoked cool cigarettes and drank a boss gay Jesus I know. As I was fucking, I was like, this one it was smelling like the fuck two-pock.

Jesus Christ. Yeah. Or Tony Woods. Let's see. Yeah, this could have been a marriage possibly. There's a couple girls I can't believe I didn't fuck. This one, I guess, could have been potentially potentially this was a definite no this is definite yes this is marriage yeah no no that was a yes until yeah she must it up no no I could have

this one this one was never yes that was, I wish I had more sex with more chicks now. So I feel like my list is boring. Get out there, see what happens. I could, I could, maybe I'll just, maybe I'll get them all together and we'll start an intramural basketball team. Yeah. With one sub.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Is there someone you wished you had sex with? Yeah, in high school college. No, no, no, in stand-up comedy. In stand-up? Like, is there someone, is there a female comedian? Mm-hmm.

Hey, buddy, we all know who yours is. Who's mine? Who's mine? Do you not remember anything yesterday? No, what did I say? Boy, what did I say? What did I say? What did I say? What did I say? What did I say? Did I say something?

What did I say? Oh, is this when we were fucking partying? Yeah. God dammit. You remember? I'm guessing. I know two people we talked about, but I don't remember if I said I wanted to fuck them.

Well, you didn't use the words explicitly, but it's your scene to imply. Oh, no. No, yeah. There's a lot of attractive female comedians. Okay, all right. There's many, a plot thread. Yeah, is there a number that you specifically wish

you would slap with? No, no, there's no. I've never had, I've never been, I think stand- up gets in the way of my physical attraction to the women. Because I, because they do exactly what I do, I have a, I see them very differently. And I see them as sexy.

Like, like, like I find there are, are attractive female comedians, but because we do what we do, I look at them differently. Yeah. Not crazy. Like I I look at them differently. Yeah. I'm not crazy. I always look at them almost like sisters. I never thought I would date.

Like that was one of those things, because people would say it. I was a young comic, but you know, other comics who had been doing it longer, they're like, don't ever date another comic. They kind of like, don't date somebody from work. That kind of thing. And I just never assumed I would, you know.

I assumed I would. You did? Yeah, I would, you know. I assumed I would. You did? Yeah, I definitely thought I would. I thought I would. And then there just weren't that many girls doing stand up when I started in New York. The list was small. It was Aaron Foley, Becky Donahue, Karen Bergreen.

You know, Amy's best friend was doing it then too. Becky Donahue, Karen Bergreen. You know, Amy's best friend was doing it then too. I apologize, I can't remember her name right now, because she still does comedy. She's very talented. She was on Netflix special. Typen, I'm saying Amy's best friend because I'm always shocked that she's best friends with Amy because I knew her when she started.

Rachel Feinstein. Yeah, she was she was there But she was young. She was like fucking 17 or something. Yeah, she's a she does well, man. She's a good girl. Her and Pete um Pete Davidson are like the same age, I think. I don't know. She is. Can I can I be respectful of Rachel and say she is blossoming to a very attractive woman. respectful of Rachel and say she is blossoming to a very attractive woman. As a kid, she was such a goofy when she started like 20 years ago. She was the goofiest like goofball. Didn't you say that her and Pete Davidson were the same age? Yeah, right. Well, you said she started 20 years ago. She started 20 years ago. Pete Davidson's been doing stand-up 20 years. Pete Davidson's 24, 25. No.

Yeah. How do I know Pete then? He's a very famous guy. Type in type in Pete started when he was like 15 though. He was a young guy, but he's like, I remember meeting, I remember seeing him when he was a kid at the clubs. Okay, he's such a, he's 28.

28, okay. He started when he was eight years old. He's been doing stand up. He's got to be doing stand-up. Definitely as a teenager for sure. Yeah Like 16 17. God, man. Yeah. How the fuck does he do it? I don't know 16. I mean, I can't like It's interesting. Cause I've run into Pete, you know,

not recently, like right before pandemic, I ran into Pete. And he didn't do anything special. He just said, hi, yeah, I used, went, we were watching it, going go and see a next game. I didn't see anything special, just a regular person. Very sweet. Yeah. How does that regular person meet Kim Kardashian

and go, you're in? Like, it's fucking fascinating to me. I'm actually fascinated. Pete Davidson's list of people he's dated is so Anti who he is Like it's not it's not I mean, I don't know by the way. I don't really know Pete Davidson more than more than more than more than more than like you know Yeah, it's knowing him when he was younger bumping into him every now and then just a very sweet guy, but he just isn't He's not like he doesn't seem like a star fucker

He doesn't seem like to me and I could be wrong He doesn't seem like like fame is attractive to him at all. He sees very anti-famous, right? but all sudden His brother is fucking through the goddamn route. He's probably just genuine with these Girls and I think that's part of the peel and funny Like just being genuine and funny. Yeah, that is what he is very genuine. Yeah. So, I don't know, there used to like everybody

like probably coming on super aggressively or being weird around them. But like, here's the thing, okay, this is what I meant to say. We all know those comics that were dogs that are sliding into girls DMs and all about pussy, right? That was a big thing. When we were starting stand up and I think it's,

I'm gonna be dead honest with you. The thing is the reason we're successful is that we didn't focus on pussy at all. Stand up had no, stand up never paid our pussy bill for us. Like we were, I think very early we fell in love and started with the same chick and so stand up for us was about being funny. But we all know the guys where stand upups about, by the way, this beer just kicked in. I'm starting to feel good again. Yeah. I feel like we should, I'm excited for our next episode.

Okay. So, but we all know those guys who fell prey to pussy. So they never, if you're listening, that means they never changed their act. They just did what murdered, and they had all like fun cute boy shit to just get pussy Yeah, and then and

But that's so not who Pete Davidson is yet he has achieved what all those pussy getting comics wanted yes With ever out searching out for the pussy. Yeah, he just was himself and got all the pussy also. That's a great way to get it God damn it. Yeah. It's good lesson. All right. I love you. We'll see you soon. I'm gonna open another beer. Okay. And then we'll I love you. Okay. One goes top and swat the other, wears a shirt Tom tells stories and birds the machine There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep the clean Here's what we call, two bears one cave No scripts to bid a booze, amateur, for tologene

Dirty jokes, ronchi humor, no apologies Here's what we call, two bears one cave.