2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 119 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: February 7, 2022

Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer are finally recording out of the new set and Bert almost immediately ruins it. Bert fantasizes which celebrities he'd date, the bears discuss the Buffalo Bill's insane game and the incredible 2 Bears cleats that Gabe Davis wore during a game. The bears try doing some inspirational social media posts, we get an update on #TheMachine movie, Bert shares his Covid episode and a screen grab from his nest cam after he had sex. The bears talk hot sauces, Nadav's weight loss, and how Bert pronounces Whataburger wrong.

Alright, ready in five You can't do that you can't do that you can't do that Is it can make a professional even though I just spit all over the new studio. I'm sorry. I just spit all over the new studio Hey, welcome us to the yeah episode. Yeah, yeah, this is the, well, fuck, face goes five. I know. He does, he re, he does, he does a very professional intro. Usually it's in a demonic,

air maya or something, whatever he speaks, but yeah, he does English every once in a while. Welcome. Finally, here we are, once in a while. Welcome. Finally, here we are, three and a half years later in the new studio, the new two-bear studio. This is fucking legit. It's great. This is overwhelming.

There should be a tour of this on Instagram. We will do one. It's so fucking badass. It is so, it makes me feel like I should have moved to Austin Oh, you said you still can I can't what good good thinking about I have been thinking about cities to move to if I start a second family. This is a great one You're here like just often enough where she gets attention, but you still go back Oh, no, I'd be dumb and Leanne, totally.

Oh. Leanne's with me, by the way. I'm going to bring her to the studio tomorrow. We're doing another episode tomorrow. I want her to see this, because I- What do you think the wife never took? Like, what is she, what's the age range you think you're looking in? I need her to, I just realized this other day.

So I started fantasizing about marrying a woman like Amsterdam and then having a child that skates on the canals and I show up and he's like, Papa, like you know? And I was like, I need her to be young, keep up with him. Yeah, yeah, you know, like you know lands with your kids right now

and she's gonna be exhausted in like, fucking 20 minutes. So you're thinking like 27? I started going younger than 35, I was 35 when my age, actually I've really thought about this a lot. What? Okay, so I wanted to be famous.

I wanted to be famous. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have new criteria. Yeah, is she needs to take a bullet? Like you need a villain to take a bullet for you so I can solve a career. Okay. So what does the bullet she needs to take?

So like, I don't wanna use our friends' names of guys we know that are famous comedians that are dating people in Chita on their checks. But like, it's kind of badass to see like the woman fucking take the charge. And the guy kinda sent off to the side, like a bullfighter and be like, and I cheated on my wife, but it was her.

Oh, that's a woman that's so hot, like Charley's there on, right? Yeah, yeah. And by the way, if it's Charley's though, you want her to step up and be like, it means me, Angelina Jolie, right? Yeah, Charley's there on, it's so beautiful. She's beautiful, yeah.

She is so fucking beautiful. She is so fucking beautiful. Charley's beautiful. Yeah. She is so fucking beautiful. She is so fucking beautiful. Charlie's tearing. She is so fucking hot. Okay. But like if I started dating Charlie's, she could take the charge and be like,

and be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I really honestly thought about Jennifer Aniston. Jennifer Aniston's built up so much good will with you. Is someone bringing that paper towel or are we just giving up on that? That's good. You're good, it's barely here. Jenna Miranda says build up so much good will with America that if I cheated on Liam with her,

it would actually, like I think people will be like, this Jenna Miranda said, it's part. It's like, fuck, times pass shit happens. Yeah, you know? Like everybody would kind of excuse it. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, you know, like everybody would kind of excuse it. Yeah, I think so. Like, cause, except for that real small,

there'd be like a little narrow corner of Twitter who'd be like, Yeah, it's like a piece of shit, yeah. Yeah. Oh, there would be some people that fucking, a lot of gen fans would really get behind you. You'd have a whole army of people behind you.

How old is Jennifer Aniston? She's probably 50, probably a really cool that, whatever way, I'm cool with it. Whatever it is, I'm cool with it. Yeah. I just want to know what I'm getting into. Yeah. 52?

Oh, wow, that's land age. Yeah. Uh, we call that adjacent. Yeah. A Jennifer ascent. So is, is, uh, like, I was, I've been thinking about that a lot lately with like I'm like I couldn't cheat on the end.

I couldn't cheat on the other regular person right it would ruin that regular person's life. Okay. If you thought about that. Like if you just fell in love with another mom and drop off right. Uh huh. Wait, do you have an idea? No, it's just so funny to be like a met drop off like hey

One of the most aggressive things I ever said a group of dads. I didn't know. Yeah, what was that drop off Georgia was in fifth grade and I leaned up to these dads. I go hey Kindergarten moms are banging this year, huh? The or banging this year, huh? Like, huh? The, um, like you couldn't just, you'd ruin a regular person's life. All right. Like if you cheated on push, with like just like, uh,

you're nanny, destroy your life. Oh my god. Wait, which one? Great example. Which one? Which one? That's not. Not the one that was in the, not the one,

but the one that plays on them all the time. Let's, let's, let's leap over this. So, uh, what city do you want to have your second family with? Austin with your nanny. No, I have poor woman. I would I would, uh, you'd want you'd want to like like Sandra, uh, could Sandra Bullock take the charge? She lives here. She lives here. Pull up a picture of Sandra Bullock take the charge? She lives here. She lives here. Bullock picture. Sandra Bullock. I know what she looks like,

but I just want to see her again. She is so fucking hot. Like because she's got goodwill. She was married to Jesse James, right? Yeah. Yeah. David Riner Reynolds. I don't know.

Maybe that was like a promo for a show. She's so pretty. That's crazy. Yeah. Does someone's face looks like that? And a film. She's so pretty. That's crazy. Yeah. Does someone's face looks like that and then they become like in that bizarre. I think they said a movie together. I don't know if they actually will be the next step of privilege of like just breaking everyone's

nose when they're born. And then they're not all equal. Like that's socialism. Angelina Jolie. If I dated Angelina Jolie, no one would fucking bat an eye. She'd take the charge. She'd adopt my kids. We'd hang out with her.

She'd definitely not do adopt. They're too old though. She'd be like, oh, that sucks. All right, be honest. Be for real. Okay. Three people. Three rooms.

Angelina Jolie. Jennifer Anderson. Charlize Theron. Which room do you go into? Charlie's Theron. Yeah, right. For me, for real, like, there's a part of me. Wow, that's a tough call.

That's actually a tough call. I bet I wait too long outside the doors and they don't leave. Cause I'm going, I don't know, I want this one, I want that one, I kind of want this one But once they open the door they'd be so happy Who are the top? Who are the most beautiful women doing movies right now? Because you know his beautiful and half way And half way is fucking gorgeous Do Kanye's check his fucking banging

Yeah, I didn't know who that was But he's very pretty. Pull up a picture over. And by the way, there's a lot of porn stars that are pretty hot too. Oh, we're going there. Yeah, there's so many attractive people. This was wrong with Instagram. There's so many attractive people.

Kanye's chick, not that one. The other white one. That, do you hear it in the dogs? Hey, that he's dogs say that? Yeah. He's dating Julia Fox. Yeah. They went out all in denim the other day. I feel like Kanye and I could be friends.

I feel like you would, I definitely think you could be friends. Who do you think would talk more, me or Kanye? It would start with him talking more. And then after he got comfortable, you talk more. Who would you like me to become celebrity? Let's speaking of celebrity friends, yeah. Can we talk about, hold on a second. Okay.

Do you have my Instagram stories up? Oh, I bet you can't pull up NFL games. Can you? God damn it, Zav. Can we talk about my best friend in the NFL Gabe Davis? Yeah. Holy fucking shit. So let me tell you, let me tell you how this starts. And you do you know everything too You used all the shoes first you choose all the shoes also right? Yeah, I didn't realize because I thought the NFL made them have

Warm-up kicks like warm you could wear whatever in your warm-up game and then you're you can wear you like to put my first hat Wow what an honor on to the two two bearers, one cave set. And this is out of respect for a dude that had an epic fucking game yesterday. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I thought to myself, I wonder what it likes to be him, what it feels like to be him,

because he had a game that was so fucking, God damn it motherfucker. He had a game that was so fucking. He had four touchdown catches, which is unreal. Four touchdown castes, but they were all in like the last fucking 15 minutes. Unreal man. He was he. So you tell the story. You know, no, so I, um, so our boy,

Mosh, who did the two bears shoes, a lot of, he does a lot of players shoes. Like they out, they, you know, they'll request things like it could be like a cartoon or shout out to a family member or something in pop culture. And we got tagged in that, that he had wanted a two bears one cave, like, cleats, I thought they were just for war,

but he wore them in the game. Do you want them in the game? And they're dope. Can you have you pulled them up? Pull them up. They're fucking sick. And by the way, definitely want to air pair Air Force ones that look like that.

White Air Force ones that look like that size 12. Oh, fucking moss come up. So my assistant assistant Peter you probably find them on my master's page You know you can find them on me. Yeah, you can find them on my master's page on Gabe Davis's page one of the two Gabe Davis. I think There you go there there there there are his Betty white cleats Who got Betty white cleats does he wore these in in a game? He wore them in a game. And it was, so my assistant Peter, who travels every with me, grew up in Buffalo. And I have learned, before this,

I learned to appreciate Buffalo for what it is. We all go to Buffalo a lot. Yeah, I'm going, I'm going soon. Yeah, and so, and it's one of our stops. Wait, that's where a new era is, right? Yeah. It's where we started era is, right? Yeah. It's where we started this fucking hat was in Buffalo. And the great Josh Potter.

So, oh my god, I got the vapors. So, so Peter hits me up immediately and goes, dude, gave me this, he's got your cleats. And I was like, what? We me this guy, your cleats. And I was like, what? We've been watching all the Buffalo games. Yeah. And we've been following them without ever knowing.

It was such a treat to go, a guy we've been watching all seasons. Peter's a Buffalo fans are die hard. Do you know what the one of my favorite videos ever is a dad putting his baby to sleep? And he has him slammed down on the plastic table. The big thing about most jump up to a plastic table. And people fucked themselves up to it. That's it. And Peter, my fucking assistant, is like,

oh yeah, we do that all the time. Like, Buffalo people are fucking out of their goddamn minds. Yeah, yeah. So, we have a follow-up. This comes up. Everyone loses their fucking mind and they're like, dude, gave tips when you're fucking cleat. And I see it

I go oh shit tag him and he's like soup I Mean I say this is a compliment. I hope this time come out wrong But he's like just like Aaron Rogers cool as fucking shit tax back the DM's back all dude big fans Whatever so fucking cool and then I we watch him Destroy the game yesterday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And all I thought was, have you had fourth quarter, right? Minute 20 left.

Josh Allen throws into Gabe Davis in the end zone. Uh-huh. And he breaks his fucking defenders ankles. Yeah. And catches it by himself. Oh my god. I hear that route that left the guy just completely looking like a fucking middle scorer.

Can you can you quantify the moment when Gabe Davis sees that guy fall to him catching the ball and knowing he just did everything great. Like what like that those moments in life. That's got to feel so good. But how do you get that for everyone? Cause I thought to myself, that's like a, that's a thing. That was my first, by the way. Cause like, you know, I love football.

Yeah. Like the real dream, original dream, was to be a receiver. Like receivers, I always thought that was the shit. You know, catching balls. I never heard the balls we receiver. I never did it like in competitive, like on a team, but I'm saying when you're watching football as a kid and you're seeing these guys run, you know, like just like a perfect

grip. Cause like when you saw Jerry Rice run, it looked like he ran like a gazelle. Like it was just like, it looked beautiful watching him run and catching just the most improbable passes, you know, whether it's like over the middle or these perfect like post routes. I don't know, I just love it. The things we do, like I mean, I know that I'm, the things we do, like, we were talking about this

in the car earlier. But like, once I sign up for a special, I commit 100% to just doing stand up and I I kind of it's not the best healthiest thing But I kind of compromise my family I kind of compromise everything else movies TV everything to working on that special I bring Leanne out. I have Leanne watch me because Leanne's a brutal fucking god. She is she is dude last night She's brutal. She is brutal. Listen to her talk about talk about my set to lie. I want you. I remember Jesus that I think when you when you got when you got

The machine greenlit. Yeah, and you're leaving that exciting. She was like how do you feel about your acting? Right and you're like, isn't that exciting? She was like, how do you feel about your acting? Right? And you're like, um, there's no part of her that just lets everything slide. Cause I think she realizes her money's attached to my money. And she's, last night she was like, she was like, I mean, yeah, I mean, it's okay, but like, you got a couple of stories that are the same.

You haven't even worked on this other story. You're not even telling me the stuff that happened in there. And then, and then she's like, and that last one, get rid of it. And I was like, it's a, where you're like, and you're like, it's a fuck, I have a great fucking story. For any comic would love this story. It would be, any comic out this story, they'd be like, god damn it, I got a banger. And then I watch her, she goes, get rid of it. It's stupid. I don't know, I just don't like it. I'll tell, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm the back to Gabe Davis is like you watch Jerry Rice, Gabe Davis put in the fucking work, right?

Where they, what they do, and I understand this part because of my obsession, it's gotta feel great to run around, give a move, watch someone break his ankle and be wide open in the end, then see your quarterback make eye contact with you. See him throw it and go, oh, that's coming right at me. I just got to follow through with everything I've been doing for the last eight months, 20 years of my life and catch it.

And then I thought to myself, I was like, I've had that feeling and stand up when you do specials. And you tell a bit that murders on a special and you go, this is, this is why I do the hard work. This is why I leave my family for fucking eight months and go, I'm gone every fucking day, dad's not around anymore, but I'm doing this. And I, and when you said Jerry Rice, I went, man, this is why you run up hills. This is why you sprint up hills. And I'm not, I've been wanting to become an Instagram meme, right?

So you ever see the Instagram memes that are like Rogan, that he's like, he goes, he goes, you never, never happen. I wish I had started when I was younger. Well, you didn't, motherfucker, start now, right? Yeah. There's inspirational memes. I love them so much. Yeah. I want to when I was younger. Well, you didn't mother fucker start now, right? Yeah, those inspirational memes I love them so much. Yeah, I want to Hey, so badly want us to have what inspires us of like Fuck your family

like fuck your friends Fuck everyone fuck your health Fuck it all if you want to be great, you put your body, your heart, your life on the fucking line, you party all the time, and then you get greatness. Like I would like you do one, you do one, you do one. And these will be Instagram, these will be an Instagram. Hey, put these in the Instagram,

um, uh, uh, uh, Reels, real, real, real, real, real, real, readyels, Reels, Reels, Reels, Reels, Reels, Ready? I don't know if you'll like mine as much. Go. Yeah, the whole thing is just stay sober. You know, eat right, go to bed, be great. Okay, ready?

Yeah, my turn. You should go ahead. Sometimes, don't get out of bed. The guy that got on the treadmill and had a heart attack, he should have stayed in bed. Take to day off. There you go. There you go.

David Spades is one. You know what, there's a good one too, is like no one really gets like, dude, you're not gonna get there. You're not gonna achieve these goals. They're way too big. And they're for people that are more talented than you. Just accept that like most people, you're mediocre.

You should get tickets at Tom's gonna talk. Ha ha ha up pre-order Tom's book. You like to play alone. Well, that's what we can do. That's what we can do. You ready? You ready? This is going on reals. Hey, I have a hard time reading too.

Wait, now these are cutting it ads. Okay, wait, hold on, hold on. Because it's gotta be the voiceover so that people can put their picture on it, right? Right. Hot chicks. Hot chicks like smart guys with big plans. Smart guys with big plans, read books. You want to get hot chicks? Read a book.

More importantly, you want to get chicks that put out, get Tom Siger's book. I like to play alone. Please, please. Is it please also? Okay. I love that. I want to have more of those. I wish I had, like, why is Joe so inspirational or David Goggins like, they're the ones they,

you know what, they actually, they believe it. Yeah, they live that thing. What there's, like, like, Gog says, he's doing that every day. Did you see the one he posted recently about getting teased? Like during the holidays, getting teased by family. Like basically he went out for a run and came home and they're like, well, you got runnin', you would run a marathon already.

I bet his family's relentless. And he's like, you know, I've listened that fucking bullshit like it was this And then he's just like, you know, you're gonna have to listen to these fucking losers Give you shit. He's talking about his family. All right. All right. I'm pocket committed. I'm pocket committed. You ready? Yeah, pocket committed pot pocket committed your mom's house studio productions. Okay. Okay, I know you're looking. We got this big thing. Yeah.

We got to pay for this. I'm partnering this. Yeah. I will live with David Goggins for 30 days and do whatever the fuck he says. You shoot it. We shoot it. We shoot it.

My neck was out of my shirt the whole time. I don't know. And I will live with David Goggins for 30 days. Really? Yep. And I will take him on tour with me. I'll do whatever he says 100% of the time I will follow his fucking lead 30 days. How much you didn't that cost? He does I think it does very well. So I think it would not be easy to get We can we can talk about it. How about a weekend? We can I think is much more reasonable Yeah, he G is.

I love his brain. I love his brain, because I think I have that brain. You know I got COVID, and I thought it was a hangover. You thought it was a hangover? Yeah, because I have David Goggins brain a little bit. Like, hear me out, hold on.

Sssss. Second hat goes up on the man. Okay, let's put another hat on the hat that goes up I am the fucking machine. Yes, this by the way I would like you to know that this hat started all of it. Yeah, this is the hat We created that turned into this hat and I'm really and pleased with this hat. I've gained so much weight this that doesn't That's bad when you fucking gain weight in your head in your head. Yeah, I know you gain weight in your hat doesn't. That's bad when you're fucking gain weight in your head. In your head? Yeah, I know.

You gain weight in your head? I know, my head's got bigger. So we'll put this. Your head got bigger and it's not HGH. Jesus. So, all right, so we got the machine, we got the bills, we'll pick another three. By the way, I have to say this because I know I posted it was on your mom's last episode, it's been on two pairs of episodes about the pre-order for my book, Ballume me away. By the way, I had to say this because I know I I posted it was on your mom's test episode

It's been on two pairs episodes about the the preorder for my book Bloom me away bloom me away. What do you mean with like people's Reaction to it like oh, it's been it's been amazing like I would you know? You do know how many brewers you've had I don't know the complete number but I know you give me a ballpark I can tell you'd be a best seller that's what you got to give me a ballpark and you tell me it'd be a best seller. That's what you gotta be is a best seller. I think you're gonna be a best seller. I think there's a good shot.

I mean, I think you're definitely, you've twelve hundred books in your best sell. Yeah, it was number one for like a week on Amazon. It was number one for the pre-order stuff. So for Barnes and Noble, and it's all because of people who like watch and listen to us. So thank you very much.

Yeah. And it's not audible. People ask me that because audible takes a few to, I don't know why they weren't ready, but they're ready now. And I realized, I realized when Tom, out of book, what I was going to do, so exhausting. It was double down for my buddy, right? Yeah. I thought to myself, I want his book to be number one, because I think what benefits you benefits me. And then I realized, I'm going gonna keep my shot for the machine movie

Oh, we are gonna double down. I want one video already have a video All the videos I planned on shooting your house tonight. Yeah of me and you naked in the in your pool Like land back like this with our dicks popping up and down so you barely see them I was like I'll save up for the machine Do we have a release date for that? No. No? No.

When do you get the release date? I don't know. You have to know. No, I really don't know. I really don't know. You know, if it's spring, summer, no, I don't know anything. We're still trying to lock sound and music. I think music's really important.

I should say in this. But yeah. Music is important. Yeah. I like how you make it sound like you threw this together in your back. It's really important. I probably shouldn't say this, but yeah, music is important. Yeah, we did with I like that you make it sound like you threw this together in your back You're like I think music's important. We're gonna put music in it I got like way to you like you made it with a buddy. You see what we're doing for music. Yeah, fucking pretty badass All right, are you excited for the movie to come out? I am and do you know? Is it gonna get wide release?

Is it I don't know you don't know that either? I don't know It's it's kind of it couldn't't possibly get bought by a streamer. That's what movie's called. It could. It's... I would love... Personally, I would love for it to get bought by a streamer. Because I've had success with streamers. Yeah.

And I know that that's kind of where I go to. Yeah. To get movies like I... I mean, I don't mean this... I don't mean this. I shouldn't say any this, but like, I get excited when I know I can get like a movie is coming out, right? When I go, I can just get it.

Oh, I'm gonna watch it now. I guess I'm a treat coming my way. I really, I really, really want it to be a movie theaters. I really want it to be a movie theater is very, very bad. So you don't want it to go to a streaming theater. No, I don't either way is good for me because I go, I don't really care. Oh, you don't lose anything else in it I don't lose and it's like bucks rams the other day. Yeah, I go. I'm I live in LA

I've seen things that rams, but I'm I grew up in Tampa So I kind of was like it was a great game to watch So if it goes to streamer that's fucking awesome and if it goes to the movie theaters that's that's awesome I'd love to see my movie and movie theaters. I'd love to see the little things, like your picture up outside of movie theater, where you go, oh shit, that's me. Like that, but is that worth the trade-off of like another 10 million people seeing it? Yeah, I don't know.

So I'd be happy with whatever scenario comes out and whatever everyone, I gave up, I gave up and I was like, I'm gonna, whatever the people doing making the movie I mean whatever legendary wants that's what I want yeah they know better than I do um we hold on oh the end gave us COVID what do you mean she gave the whole fucking family COVID how fucking she's our weakest link. How'd she get it? Who knows, she's fucking does, she's a Republican. She fucking, she's a mask dropper.

She's fucking, you know how she told me she got COVID? Yeah. She came up and gave me a hug, hugged me, looked up at me and goes, I think I have COVID. I go back the fuck up, Fauci. Like what the fuck are you doing, Rogan? Six feet, get back it up. And that's how she told me, and then we tested her.

She was positive, I go, she's fucking gave it to me. Yeah. She was like, it's not that easy to get. I went, you fucking have it, you have it. And then she gave it to Georgia. Georgia. Poor Georgia. Cause we were out skiing and Georgia melted down.

She was crying, she was like, I was like, oh baby, because I thought she was crying, because she got it, you know, because everyone's been waiting to get this fucking virus. Sure. Everyone's, you were lucky, you got that first generation. I think I got the next generation too. Are you got it?

I mean, I never tested positive, but I was sick for. Was this one we did the podcast together? No. I definitely, there's a certain point where you I know you're not allowed to talk about this on podcasts. I understand that. It was really horrible. I hated it. I thought it was a fucking hangover. I really thought it was hangover. That's why I was George or crying. It wasn't She goes She goes

I go baby. It's not your fault. It's a virus mom had it. It's everyone's gonna get it to Tom McCron She goes no, oh, I've been with you the whole day And I went what she was you're gonna get it. I was like baby. I'm gonna be fine. She goes you're a fat alcoholic I was like okay. I was like easy peasy She's like you're high risk dad. And I was like no baby. I'm gonna be fine And then and then I got it and I was like fuck did she just kill me? I was like, no baby, I'm gonna be fine. And then I got it and I was like, fuck, did Jesus kill me? But it was, I mean, I will tell you that, I will tell you that my experience with this virus

is not like anyone else is. I guess, I don't know how, right way to even say this to a camera. I know that everything gets fucking pulled down. I mean, you can't say the truth. No, I'm saying it wasn't that rough for you. You can't say the truth because the truth is, I like George is spitting in her mouth trying to get it

because she was like, I want George's virus. Like it was fucking, but yeah, I got it, I got it, and I thought it was a hangover. I really thought it was a hangover, and I was like, what are your hangovers? Well, this is why I'm like, David Goggins, is I got it, I got it, and I was like, all right, we did this to ourselves. Let's fucking bounce back. We're going skiing today, right? We're going skiing today.

And so I got up. I got it. I let stayed in the fucking room. We have the Shepush and tell everything so I'm sure that people can pick this apart. It makes me sound like a bad person. But my tour bus come out and get George and Leanne, right? Drive them home. I was hungover, right? Yeah. I tested myself that morning, so I was gonna get on them.

If I had it, I was getting the tour bus with Georgia. Tested myself that morning, didn't have it. And I was like, all right, I'm just hungover. Went skiing on the lift by myself. I wasn't with me, and we were by ourselves the whole time. It's just kind of COVID fucking protocol. It's like you just, I'll get the next one, and then you take it by yourself.

Once skiing by myself came back, felt shitty, sat on the couch, and I was like, I was like, oh, I don't feel so good. And I called the an, I said, I think I'm getting chills. I said, I partied really hard last night, I'm gonna have to have some drinks tonight to write this boat. And she was like, and so I have some drinks.

Want to sleep? Felt great. Tested again that morning, because Island, I, this is against how fucking horrible you may have to take this out. But like, I kept saying, if I allow an I test negative, either of us test positive, I gotta get us a private jet. Or I gotta find us a new way home gotta get I gotta find a new way home Can't just get on the airline, right?

And it was super expensive. I was like, please open the test positive test ourselves again Negative still hungover still about on over. I don't know what skiing by ourselves. It's fucking awesome Had a great day got done packed up our bags Got on a flight flew home drink party felt fine Got home and I was like I got in bed and I was like, oh yeah, I'm fucking hungover woke up liant testing me I tested positive and I went oh fuck and it the second I tested positive the second I tested positive I second I tested positive the second I tested positive I I felt like shit. I felt like real shit had a headache had a cough and I was like where the fuck how long did it last?

Three days You're vast and I'm triple-vaxed I I Was partying I was partying in in salt and wherever we went skiing, you know, but I was having a hard time getting my snowboard boots on, cause I was so fat, so I stopped eating and drinking for like a few days.

So I was out, cause I couldn't get my boots on. So I felt pretty good. I felt pretty good, I was doing good. My party balls, like, you know, when George got COVID, I didn't handle it properly, I liked it with the whole family. So I took the end out to dinner that night or the next night

We hung out my days could be off a little bit on days just there was a day that we stayed in the in the house And everyone just tested and I don't like kept testing negative But that day I tested positive the second I tested positive I was like all if you look yeah, and then in Leanne It's been a long hauler like Like she's added, she got it at Christmas and still fucking going through it. How do you get IVs? Like, yeah, because she's a old woman. My, you know, my, my cousin's an infectious disease doctor here.

Yes, I did know that in here. In Texas. Really? Yeah. And she said that without a doubt people like you vaccinated are fairing better when they become infected. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, she's like, she's like, we see a lot more worse people who are not vaccinated.

The symptoms were bizarre. Yeah. Like, it was bizarre. Like, and everyone I had, it was like pain, not pain, but like, like, achiness in the middle of my back. It was my, when I had, I had early, you know, the OG variant. Dude, my neck, my neck and shoulders were so achy. My neck and my shoulders.

That's so crazy, you say that. My neck and my back and my shoulders, were like fucking killing me. Yeah, it's like I had had an 80 pound backpack on, on a hike and I was like, wow. Fucking move my shoulders. I wonder what's going, because I didn't party, so I got it,

and I didn't party for a day. 10 days, 10 days. Really going, because I didn't party, so I got it and I didn't party for like a day. 10 days, 10 days. Really? 10 days I didn't party. I bet you if we did some digging, you're like, I guess it was four days. Probably, probably. I had sex on, I had sex like three days into it.

Uh huh. Did you record it? No, it's on a Nest Cam. It's on your Nest Cam? Yeah, I got a picture of me. This is the most embarrassing picture. How come? I was just show to you. I'll say that it's in the dog, I's on a Nest Cam. It's on your Nest Cam? Yeah, I got a picture of me. This is the most embarrassing picture. How come? I was just show to you.

I'll say that to the dog. I'll screen grab it. Well, maybe just show it to me first before you include the staff. I'll set that up to the dog. I don't know, that's a good idea. Honestly. I, I bounced back after two days of having a COVID.

I can't tell, I couldn't tell. That's when I started, I started a happiness journal because I can't tell, I couldn't tell, that's when I started, I started a happiness journal because I couldn't tell if, I couldn't tell what was making me happier, sad, right? Like I was like, I started, Rob Deerdeck is a really interesting guy. He was on Brennishaw's podcast and he said he goes,

he could, just show it to me, okay. The photo. Yeah, yeah. He goes, I can quantify exactly how many days I've been happy this year or sad this year. Dear Dex said this? Rob Deerdack said it and I thought that was fucking fascinating and then what he said is I can whittle down see if you can find the clip I'm sure we can play that clip is that his wife no wonder he's so happy. She's fucking fucking great. Rob Deerdack, go to Thickboy fight companion.

I go to my Nest Cam. So remind me to get this. Don't let me not get this video. So I, he said he goes, he can quantify exactly how many days he's been happy, right? I thought, I'm just gonna walk him around our backyard right now. All right, you ready? Okay, so here's how you quantify how many days

I've been happy. And so I guess I get COVID or I get a hangover, I don't know, but I'm so used to being in a deficit that I just wake up and go, hey, push through this, right? That's how my brain works. Is you did this to yourself, push through this. You're in beautiful park city, go skiing, get out there, go see a fucking mountain range and cheer yourself up.

And I do it and I'm fine. I'm totally fucking fine. Now, I'm not certain that I got in COVID yet. Georgia tested positive. It had been around our house. Island never tested positive. And I am test positive until I was already home for a full day, but like, I'm so in a deficit

that I started that day, I thought, I thought, and I would say this respectfully, but I thought, I don't wanna get sick and die, right? Like, yeah, yeah. Like, not how you, you're going to die somehow. How do you want to die? All the things that we think about. But like, you know, whatever it was going on,

I started, started really sitting on me going like, well, fuck, man, I don't, I'm too young to be sick. And, and I'm doing things that make me sick. Like, I'm partying like a fucking lunatic. And I, and I go snowboarding and I don't get myself on the grass. And I don't sleep. And I, just keep, and me sick like I'm partying like a fucking lunatic and I go snowboarding And I don't get myself on the grass and I don't sleep and I just keep and I wake up and I just go Fuck you do it right that's where my brain works. I did it this morning I was I slept two hours last night and I got up and I go fuck you do it like get up

Do it and you got this and Peter and Leanne can both tell you I was not a pleasant person, but I go, I'm getting on a plane, I'm going down, I'm doing two bears, I'll be fine, bounce back. That's when my brain works. And then I was Rob Deerdack talk about it. And he was like, well, I can tell you exactly how happy I've been for the last year.

And I thought, I should maybe, what if I applied the Jason Mahmoa diet of his diet is I just eat the healthiest things that I love right all the Codos eggs chicken like and I just what if I did that with happiness so I fucking I have COVID I'm sitting in my house I start writing down the things that made me happy do this gonna fucking blow your mind right so I write down things that made me happy. Now the problem is alcohol makes me happy and that's a problem to this. So I can always go throw alcohol in the mix and we can get through this. That's the problem. But so I wake up. I'm supposed to leave to go do San Francisco or whatever. Fresno

wherever the fuck we're going. Seattle. I'm doing a tour. I wake up and I go I'm tired. I just want to sleep. But Georgia has a cross practice and I go I'm tired. I just want to sleep but Georgia has a cross practice and I wanted to work out, but it's like four in the fucking morning and I look to my happiness journal and I go I've Identified I've highlighted the hanging out with my girls makes me happy I've also identified that Working out makes me happy. I'm laying in bed. I feel like shit.

I haven't partied or anything. I'm just tired. Yeah. And I go, hang on, I've actually highlighted these two things that made me happy. And they're right there. I can do them. Or I can just stay in bed.

And I know that staying in bed long doesn't make me happy. I've identified that doesn't make me happy. I've written it down. Staying in bed doesn't make me happy. If I get out of bed, it makes me happy. So I get up. I get up and I go. It's a little too early. I go, I'm gonna go get all the girls coffee. I'll get some coffee. I get some oatmeal, right? I like oatmeal now that you fucking introduced me. I go, oh, I'll get myself coffee. All right, great. I get coffee.

I come home and Georgia's up and me and her hangout for like 15 fucking minutes. We have a great conversation and she says to me, Hey dad do you think you can make me a breakfast, Bredo for after practice? I don't fuck you. Make her a breakfast, Bredo. I feel great about it. And she says to me, Are you working out? And I said, I don't know, I might go back to bed. She goes workout, makes you feel better. I go in, I fucking workout, I run hard. I run hard and I apply that David Goggins mentality where I go, love the soccer, whatever the fuck. Yes, you know.

So I get on and I go, every time, allow myself to quit three times. On the third time I'll quit, but I got two times where I don't get to quit. So I put the treadmill at a fucking six and I just start running and I go all right I get to I go I can definitely have 10 minutes I get 10 minutes and I go all right I don't want to quit I go I get two more quits the next quit happened it 12 minutes like where I like like like two minutes after that and I go hold on that's too quick of a quit let's

keep going and I just didn't allow myself to quit and I got to 30 minutes I ran three miles and I'm pouring sweat and I go I get off and I go I Took the things that I identified that made me happy and I did them and I felt through the fucking roof I was so fucking happy. Yeah, but the problem is drugs and alcohol also made me happy So like yesterday I went through the spencerie. Yeah. And I was like I love I love smoking weed. Yeah. Did you raise him? No, I didn't. Liam. What are you fucking stupid? Would let me why? She wouldn't let me. What do you mean she wouldn't let you? At the best fucking weed. What is it? What it mean she would let me? Durbin poison.

Durbin poison. What did you do? Can I bring this mommy? Why do you mean? I grabbed weed and I go, I go, hey, I'm gonna bring, I should bring some weed to Tom and Lee. And goes, no, you're not getting on a plane with drugs. It's a felony in Texas.

And I went, hold on. You're allowed to fly out with it in California. She goes, I'm not waiting for you to go to jail and you you're going to work go to work and I was like And then Peter's like I'll fly with it. I was like and he didn't fly with it. Oh Durbin poison good. We got it for your dispensary sweet no state flower state flower. They gave us a full tour of Their dispensary Durban poison is so fucking good. Really is it like I can feel good? It's a straight up Crazy thinking gigawheed crazy thinking gigawheed where you start saying like all right

Fucking it was the greatest high. Yeah. We should do a collab with a dispensary. I would do that. Where we go, where we get. By the way, I had the edibles for us tonight. Oh, yeah. We get 10 milligram Tom Sleepyweed and then Giggleweed.

Yes, perfect. And I can see the advertisement now, right? Yeah. So we're both wearing lab coats. Okay. And I can see the advertisement now, right? Yeah. So we're both wearing lab coats. Okay. And we're walking into the room. So we're like, all right, they're like, Mr. Grasier, Ms. Grasier, we've got your weed for you.

And we're like, awesome. They're like test objects already. And we walk in and everyone's kind of laughing. I go, it's not strong enough next. We go to the next room and they're like, kind of laughing. And they're like, not strong enough next. And then we go to the next room and they're standing asleep. And you're like, that's mine.

Let me show you this picture of me after sex. What a ride. This has been a ride. I haven't talked to you in fucking forever. I know, I know. I like your, so how often do you refer to your happiness journal? How often do you write in it every day? I try to judge if my success.

I think it's having a really good effect. I mean, the story you told was a powerful story. I try to find what makes me happy and then lean into that. So I go, I just wanna identify what makes me happy. That's it. And go, all right, this makes me happy. It's because you know me, I'm super sensitive.

So I'm also trying to identify things that are making me upset that aren't that important. That's a good thing to do too. Because I don't want to be in time. You've gotten better at this though. I'm not gotten better at it. You've gotten better at it. You have gotten better at it.

Because I've known you for a while, and you address things, you bring things up more that bother you. I do. Well, that's part of my happiness journal, is I go. So it's working. That's my point.

Maybe. Here we go. I don't think that whole thing you were saying about internment camps is good. All right, show me the picture. Okay. All right, hold on. I mean, I gotta hang on. I'll screen grab it. Okay. There's Leanne totally naked. There's Leanne totally naked. There's Leanne totally naked. Okay. This is what I did after sex.

Okay. I stood up. Does the camera record your bed? Is that what your, this is our bed? This is our, this is the, we had the sex in the podcast studio. Okay. And that's Cam in there. Okay, okay.

And so I'm so scared. It's not that bad, but it was so embarrassing. I don't know what you're gonna show me. I'm terrified. Hold on. Okay. Right, the dog. No, no, no, don't send it home. What just don't show it to me first. I'll tell you the weather to send it to him All right hold on

Just hand me the phone. I got done having sex with my wife. I stood up I'm a fucking flexed I don't know how to fucking flexed. I fucking flexed. I didn't, I just washed it up and went. I see it. Kill that pussy. It's a good move. It's a good move. It's a good move. Yeah. I respect it. I got up and I flexed. And it was so funny is I don't remember doing it.

Where do you guys do it? Here? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah It is by the way, it's so fast that if you do the 15 second jump ahead on that scam Yeah, you miss all of it the whole sex the whole sex she sneezes in the middle of it too She sneezes. How many times have you watched it you saved the clip? No, I haven't saved a clip I've just watched it. It's on you guys save the clip save it right you should save the clip for yourself Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I watched it. It's on you got to save the clip. Right. You should save the clip for yourself. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I watched it. I watched it. There's a I watched it. You can you can send them that. I just didn't want you to be like, yeah, here's all my come.

He got it off. No. Oh, that's a great picture. All right. And I'm right there. Right there. It's not that crazy. All right. I just sent it to you. Um, I uh, I definitely, I didn't remember it. So Leance, I lay in bed in the fucking NAS cam comes up something I get alerts of it and And I think I always think about this one time Leonardo sex outside and she goes our NAS cam recorded all of that And I never went back and watched that's insane think about this one time, the internet sex outside and she goes, our Nest Cam recorded all of that. And I never went back and watch. That's insane. Yeah.

I never went back and watched it. God, I wish I had footage of myself. Do you have a Nest Cam? Uh, no. Putting it in your bedroom and not say anything. Just be like, uh, uh, uh, after a year, we like check out these clips. Yeah. Happy birthday. So I remember, remember when remember when are my podcast dude got broken into and they got those guys broken

and I recorded the clip and then changed it and made it about our super bowl promo. And I was like, oh shit, I'll just and then I was like, I thought I was like, we have a nice camera podcast studio. I was like, I'm fucking I was in bed last last night yesterday and I fucking went through and I had to find the day and I started scrolling scrolling scrolling for this you mean yeah Now watch it. It's just it's just you said it's so fast. It's so I have sex in 15 seconds Wait, how long is the lead up to sex? It takes while because we don't find the right position because we're in the podcast. Let me just start with like kissing, like is it like,

no, no. I walk in an Italian and get naked. She gets naked. And then, what positions do you try first? What do you try to get to? We try to do it because the chairs are kind of small. We try like her face in that way, but she feels disconnected. And she's like, I'm staring at a wall and I was like, you are, I'm the fuck off.

And then we tried her on top of me, but it didn't work. And then she found a position that was like, I was fucking go for hunting. I don't know what it was. How good do you think you're at sex? Not. No, no, no. No, that's why I look when I, that's why I'm comfortable making jokes about me having sex with Charlie's Theron. Yeah. Because I go, should you have realized how forgiving she would have to be? Yeah. Have sex with me and go, oh, that was great. Yeah. She had to love me first.

You have to love me in order to fuck me and like it. I think so. She had to pick she wouldn't have. That's a good description. Yeah, right? I feel the same way. Yeah, you have to love me. Like I remember you telling me about the first time

you were sex with a push, and it was a long time ago. Yeah, it must have been. And I remember going, I think we fuck similar. Where it's like, you're cool with that, right? And they're like, I guess? You're like, that's all I got. I thought about, I think I could summarize how good I am at sex this way. Okay.

You ever go to like a hotel gym and it's empty? Mm-hmm. And you're doing, let's say you're doing single arm rows or something. And you have like a relatively heavy weight, 50 pounds, 60 pounds or something. And then somebody comes into the gym and they're lost. They've never gone to a gym before.

And then they see you and they're like, wow. They're like, what's that? And you see them using equipment, they're using it all wrong. And you're like, wow. They're like, what's that? And you see them using equipment, they're using it all wrong. And you're like, they start to ask you, they're like, how do I do it? And you're like, oh, and they're like, you must be like, you're really strong.

How you're really into fitness. And you're like, no, but for you. I think I'm the same sexually. I think there's a whole segment of the population that would be like, wow, you're really like sack, you're really good at this. But I know what a real strong guy looks like. Oh yeah, oh yeah.

I'd be like, oh no, that guy. You wanna get fucking railed. Do you think I was watching own gray randomly yesterday? Oh yeah, he did our pot, he did our, what was it? Our live show. Sweatpants hog. It's a fucking nice piece of cock and I was watching him yesterday all new tattoos. He's covered in them covered. Yeah, he's covered in them and he's

Doing this thing where he's got I Think the girls getting fucked in the ass by another guy, but he's holding her throat I don't know if he's choking her or if he's talking her through it but he's kissing her and I thought I Don't have any of that in me like I just be like That's gotta hurt, you know, yeah, he's like come on You can get fucked in the air or I don't know what he's doing But it sounds looks like she's getting choked, but then then I then I go, I couldn't even read a woman's body to know

if she would want to be choked. You know, you can't find auto-erotic association. Auto-erotic association. Auto-erotic association. Auto-erotic association. It's fixation. On porna, you can't find it. You can?

Nope, I tried. Do you like choking? No, never in my life. There you are. I'm sure someone is gonna get a picture of my cock out of this somehow. And by the way, that's as big as it gets. Right here.

I was just out and done having sex, and I flexed in my room. Are you flexed to no one? I flexed to no one. Not even to a mirror. Nope, I just flexed. I one. Not even to a mirror. Nope. I just flexed. I felt good.

My arm feels good. I was fucking every now and then I pounded out of flex. Feels good to not have pain in there. Yeah. And I just fucking put it down. And I fucking flexed. 15 seconds? Topps.

So wait, what was the position you settled on? It was like, go for a hunt. Like, I don't know how to say it, but like, she's on her back. No, no, no, no, no, no, she was like, feet here on top of me just, bap bap bap, like literally. You're on your back.

I'm on the chair, I'm in that chair right there. By the way, this is gonna make my podcast seem very different to everyone else. I'm in the, no, no, no, no, no, my podcast chair. I'm right there. Yeah, I just stood up. So you're sitting in it? Sitting in it. I fuck in the chair that I fucking do my podcast my podcast chair. I'm right there. Yeah, I just stood up. So you're sitting in it? Sitting in it.

I fucking, in the chair that I fucking do my podcast. And then she squatted over you. Yeah. And just, I mean, 50, I did the skip ad, 15 seconds, that was over. Over. That's fast. Is that normal?

It was a pretty good position. Okay. It was a pretty good position that she like owned that position. I gotta get less pictures of me in that room. Looks like just like a fucking. Yeah, looks like a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a. Yeah, I do a Florida State. Florida State hat definitely. Florida State hat, I don't know which one. Oh, you know this one is. Mm-hmm. Looks Mexican, what is it?

It is, it is Bill Murray's baseball team. Oh, what are they called? Type him in Bill Murray's minor league baseball team. Bill Murray's minor league battle love Bill Murray. He doesn't love Bill Murray's fundamentally bad love Bill Murray. He doesn't love Bill Murray You know, I think they tried to come after him a little bit saying like he was not the nicest guy or whatever to work with who cares But Charleston River dog as the River Dogs Charleston River dogs. I fucking love Bill Murray Bill Murray is the fucking shit, man Everything he's done. This is the Charleston River dogs It was so we're putting hats up here. So

Charleston River dogs will go here All right, and they'll fix this later Bill Mary's so goddamn funny and Even when he's in a movie that sucks, it's still fun to watch him. Quick change. Quick change in the best movie in the world But I'm still watching go. Oh, yeah, fuck yeah, and don't you feel like he like taught like in a way taught you what like effortless funny it like I remember watching him being like this guy doesn't seem like he's trying to be funny he's just Delivering by

Walking in the room and saying a line like it was just so natural I think that's the thing that bothered people about him is that he'd go into a movie and just be like walking in the room and saying a line. Like it was just so natural. I think that's the thing that bothered people about him is that he'd go into a movie and just be like, smoke weed. I'm by the way, I don't know any of this for real. I've heard stories that he would just show up a little late and be like, let's do it.

And just have fun and fucking murder it. And you got trained actors going like, going like, how do I make sure that I can match his energy? And he just would just go in and improv everything. And it was so an effortlessly fun to learn performances. All right, all right, so if you could have anyone's career,

what would you take? I was about to say Mel Gibson, Brian I. But like Bill Murray or, Mel Gibson was a perfect answer. Well, I mean the juice the juice are So he's got some great fucking movies. I mean, yeah, I mean, I like I gotta be dead on to you despite all the sidebar stuff Mel Gibson Braveheart Apocalypse I mean great fucking lethal

Apocalypse I mean pray fucking lethal weapons. I mean all the things he's done are pretty fucking phenomenal Look he's a tremendous talent dude tremendous tremendous. Yeah, and I mean there's some as an actor like he killed it I actually was most blown away watching apocalyptic though. I was like holy shit a dialogue free movie that's like so compelling It's an amazing thing to watch actually. Yeah, it's really crazy a dialogue free movie that's like so compelling. It's an amazing thing to watch actually. Yeah, it's really crazy. Who is like, so Bill Murray or who else would you want, what other career would you like? I mean, that one's a great one. That one's great, dude.

Like, I mean, I totally idolized that guy. I think Bill Murray. Oh yeah. He's like, Bill Murray's career in a second. Especially his pivot into like serious movies. Yeah, but he's just, he's just so fun to watch, man. I, he's amazing. I gotta hit the head. I've been holding this too long.

For real? Yeah. All right, I'll be here. I'm gonna, yeah, finish it up and I'll find another, the other ads. I love when a shit falls out of my ass. It just goes, I had a really healthy one.

You just took a good shit? Yeah. If I said to you, best shit of your life, could you quantify that? I don't know if I could do best shit in my life just up, but I told you what I've stopped eating. No. I'm such an idiot. I've stopped eating. No. I'm such an idiot. I stopped eating eggs.

Wow. And it's been tremendous. Wait, for real? Yes. I've eaten eggs like every day for, I don't know, almost every day. For years and years and years. And I'm always like, oh, why is my stomach so... I love eggs.

I love eggs too, man. You know what, I love eggs. I mean, I've been... You've been eating eggs. Egg whites, but I also like, over easy, basted eggs, I You know, why yeah? Egg whites, but I also like over easy basting eggs poached eggs, right? It's helped your stomach. Yes, but I'm only because I think I have a Food sensitivity that I have you taken that have you taken a test? No, I still have it at the house I have I've taken it. I don't have any sense of

Tivity, but you know what I stopped eating when I'm on the road is jalapenos Because I was having this shit on stage. Yeah. I was having this shit on stage. I like that there's such a part of your diet. You're like, I should get rid of these jalapenos. Or tough to not order. If they have the bacon wrapped jalapeno popper.

So did you piss on stage? I don't know what you're talking about. You pissed on stage. Who told you this? It was in your stories. Oh, okay Yeah, twice twice twice. Yeah, cuz I've been really healthy and so I've been drinking a lot of water and And I would get on stage and I would have to piss like halfway into my act and I'm like, why can't leave? So we have these we get these Starbucks cups for the road

We go to the Starbucks and we go we just get a bunch of cups from you and I pissed twice in these Starbucks cups. I filled it up filled it up I had to leave it for you I had to hold it Peter held the microphone so I can tell it joke and then he takes the piss cup from you Leave it on the ground I grabbed on my way out. I pissed twice on stage By the way, I took a shit in Lexington one time on stage. I said, I have to shit. I, because I have a real problem with hot sauce. Like, I know that in my happiness journal, I wrote, I wrote, you do not enjoy hot sauce. You do not enjoy it. Stop throwing on things. I throw it on everything and I was ignoring my happiness journal.

What do you think you do that, though? I don't know. I'm really honest, I don't know. I don't know. Because it makes honestly, I don't know. I don't know. Because it makes me happy in the moment. Really? I love. I love hot sauce. Wait a minute. You just said it doesn't make you happy.

Doesn't make me happy six hours from when I eat it. Oh. It makes me sick to my stomach. But the enjoyment I get out of hot sauce and just lighting me up. Like, and he knows what I'm talking about right? I can't hear you in the headsets I've headsets on oh Yeah, I'll say yeah hot sauce is the best and then and then and then six hours from then I'm

Yeah, that's the best Like I can't I can't think of a breakfast Brito without fucking Fire hot like just like Like I can't think of a breakfast, Brito, without fucking fire hot sauce. Like just like, like I love that feeling. Bacon wrapped jalapeno poppers. My mouth's watering.

Cream cheese in the middle, they don't take out the seeds and you just are on fucking fire. You love this. I love it and I've been eating it. But wait, don't you feel like it's like masking the taste of the food you're eating? I don't know. You don't know.

It goes on so fast. That's what I'm saying. So the flavors you're talking about of the hot sauce are overwhelming whatever you're eating. Yeah, I don't know. What do you mean you don't know? Do you ever jack off enough, feel it, and you just go, wow, I had to do that.

Go to bed. Be sure. Okay, same thing. Same, wow, I had to do that. Go to bed. Sure. Okay, same thing. Same, same. I fucking love. I love jalapenos. I love jalapenos. I like that green, the green hot sauces that are like,

they're not, I'm talking about not like a little tan. I know you're talking about it. I mean, like kind of a mid-range one. Okay, best hot sauce out there in my opinion. Well, first of all, hot heads has a great hot sauce. They have so many different types of hot sauces that they cover all the fucking bases, right? Yeah.

One of my favorite ones in the world is El Yucateca. Do you know that one, Annie? No, I've never heard of that one. Type in El Yucateca. I think, and I mean, I mean this like respectfully, I think this is a straight up Mexican hot sauce for Mexicans, because you can only get in bodegas or on the internet.

And their hot sauce is just fucking hot. Well, there's the, this is super hot. I love LU Kateca. Like green one, I see they have green one. Oh no, no, no, no, no, the triple X. The triple X one is super hot. I love L.U. Kateca green one. I see they have no no no no the triple X triple X one is my favorite So it's like a super hot one. Yeah, and if and you can what you can do with these hot sauce And I know this is how and how they make it I'm house water to the out you can cut these all give you diarrhea. Yeah, yeah

I mean like Tom my asshole dryave shits. It goes like this. Oh, yeah. I mean, I diarrhea out the ass and it's so aggressive, but man, I fucking love the taste. And by the way, all of them are pretty fucking hot. The brown, the black one is like flavorful. I think that it's American. It says USA, is it?

Like, is it? No. I got it. The first time it's American. This is USA, is it? Like is it? No. I got it. The first time I got introduced to this hot sauce, I think it was on the hot sauce. Oh, history. Oh, maybe you're right. What does it say?

Thank you, right. As the leaders in the Habanero hot sauce, but they're from Canada? Sorry, 1968. I made a homemade Habanero hot stuff but they're from Canada. So our 1968 made homemade Habanero hot sauce to the kind of it's locally locally. I'm not sure where locally is though. They're not telling us. Hey, will you see if El Yucataka was on hot ones? Because I think in my mind, it'd been an introduce by hot ones to this.

Really? Yeah, and then one night I was going to do Ryan's Secret. I was doing the crab feast and I went to get Tito's and Soda and you know where they used to do it back in like on Venice. And I go to like Ryan's Secret, I was doing the crab feast. And I went to get Tito's and Soda, and you know where they used to do it, packing like on lettuce. And I go to like a bodega, the kind where you get buzzed through to get into the place.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm going around and I grab, I see they have a packet, like a full sample size of Yukideka. And I go, I think I done it on Hot Ones. Was it on Hot Ones? Yep think I done it on Hot Ones. Was it on Hot Ones? Yep, and I added on Hot Ones. But see, is that the right order?

Is that the order? This one is season one hot sauce? Yeah, it looks like that. Yeah, so that is the order there. So yeah, see, there it's number three, which means it's one of the milder ones, but it's got flavor, but it's not like there to kill you. And I loved it. And especially when I was being healthy, I'd get those vegetarian patties,

like the chicken breaded ones and whatnot. And what I do is I put all you can take it in a little bit of ranch, mix them together, and that would dip into that. I love that shit so much. Like a full shit man. What is it? Hey, we know we had a war for howons. Yeah love that shit so much. Look at this bullshit, man. What is it? Hey, we know we got a war for howons. Yeah, that was fucking pretty cool. What was that?

I don't know. He's gotten so big. I don't know. He's gotten so big. I don't know why we got that. Yeah, we did a... So, we're gonna thank you video. Can you pull up what we won from howons?

The bomb. The bomb. The bomb. The bomb. The bomb ruins the day. Let. Let me hey go back to those hot sauces real quick. Dabam I put Dabam on a out one Christmas Eve. I what I put it out one Christmas Eve and my buddy Tom Hey slip whose Vietnamese loves fucking hot shit loves it put Dabam bomb on, and he was like, what is that? What is that? And it ruins it. The bomb, if you are looking for one hot sauce.

And there's the brilliance of hot ones, is that they put the bomb third to last. Yeah. So you do it and you're like fuck, and that's why they get you to say fucked up shit on 8, 9, and 10, is because you're so out of your mind. Yeah, because you're already, and everything after this just says like battery after. Yeah, you don't even know what you're eating.

That hot sauce, the bomb beyond the sanity is so fucking hot. It is, that is the hottest thing I've ever put in. Let's see, like, this is enjoy, that would be enjoyable, do you know, right? Just like that. No, no, no. And I'll tell you what, what I'll do with the bomb is I'll put a dab in like a chili so I don't have to worry about don don don don don don don don and I'll just put like a little dab in there what were the hot sauces

they had on hot ones when did I season two right I don't know but that's the that's the order right there. Tapatio is pretty fucking awesome. I love a good sweet man. There's this in making the other one. What's the other big competitor to tapatio? It's a it's Leanne's favorite one. What's it called? Chalula. Chalula green.

I think it's type in by top amazing. Top hot sauces. Because I bet it's Chalula Tapatio those are too big big crystals Louisiana the Louisiana Yeah, Frank's red hot If you could do a hot sauce if you could do a hot sauce for yourself. What would you do? Green definitely green definitely green

And I wouldn't be like, dude, I would keep it like, I don't know just before, it's like, it's gotta have some kick, but nothing to be like, oh my god, get me something to drink to like, kill this fucking fire in my mouth. I would wanna break a sweat.

Really? Yeah, I wanna break a sweat when I eat. And then, but I would not want a shit blood So if you go find me in between that's a really good criteria. Do you like do you like? What flavor profiles do you like in a hot sauce? I'm not a big fan of sweet. I Don't want it to like pineapples. No, no shit like that a mangoes. I like hot I like it. I know what I want. What? I want a creamy hot sauce.

Yeah, yeah. I want a hit of ranch. Well, that's cool. It's cool. It's down. Isn't there like that kind of that sauce that give you where we order from torches and they gave us the, remember we got the breakfast stuff there

and they had that sauce. It was like a creamy sauce and they had a little kick to it. That's a good thing. I would love a creamy. Have you ever had there's oh we were we're gonna screw up screw up no no uh so in San Jose in San Jose they have a pink sauce they have a pink sauce hold on a second I'm calling his is Trejo you think he's this Trejo answer aTime from me? It's like it's probable Jesus I remember we we were at an event anyone on he won like a rapal and There's a woman I'll say the woman's name later. I'm not gonna make her sound like shit. She goes

Jesus one Jesus and then Jesus just was like his my name's Jesus. And she was like, oh yeah. All right, based on Jesus Trejo. Jesus Trejo. Yeah, looks good. See, I would get all those right there. Like a creamy, green. I want a creamy red. Jesus got an answer, right?

Jesus introduced me to this pink sauce out of Hans Santos A at a restaurant that is one of the best sauces I've ever had. We went in and I bought I think $120 worth of this sauce I wouldn't has use answer. I don't know How he's oh he's answering. How do you say face in Spanish? Gotta

Hey Zeus Hey Zeus Hey Zeus oh, poor connection. Yeah, I got kicked off your Wi-Fi. Oh say say Chingat to Malere Chingat to Malere hey Zeus Hey Zeus It's Bert Hey, um, you're doing I'm on two bears one cave. We would Tom. we're talking about hot sauces. What's that hot sauce in San Jose that we love? Love it type in orange sauce that how great is that shit, Jesus?

It is the best hot sauce ever. I was just telling the top of that. There you go. It is the best hot sauce ever. It's like a creamy orange sauce, right? That's it, that's it. But dude, that's it. It's all we got it. Look, scroll up, scroll up. Look when you land on the page.

Scroll up. It's what it's like. It's what it's like. Like home of the orange sauce. Wait, say it again, what it is? What did you say? So when you go to the Vic, they give you like a half mass

bottle is like not all the way because they have a problem with people going in there and asking like they order a taco, they get the bottle and they run off with it because they like sell them per bottle. So they only give you a little bit in a square bottle because it's a problem.

People steal it. Do you remember? Will you with me when we went to that of firehouse? Hit location of firehouse. And they gave us that orange sauce they made Yes, yes It was a whole fire station came to your show. I remember that in San Jose It's like the last show you did before a birdie boy tour god damn it. That is the best hot sauce ever

That is It's things on the way out, but it's so worse. It's things on the way out, but it's so worth it. It's things on the way out, right? Hey, where are you at? Are you in LA? Yeah, I'm back in the lane now. Okay. You got anything to promote? You're on two bears. What the? You got any shows to promote? Yeah, dude. I'm going to be a Greensboro North Carolina and then Greensville after that. Okay.

Is it HazusTrayho.com? HazusTrayho.com,com empty calorie tour because I mean, we're better way to describe my comedy has no value. I love you brother. Now I'm glad you laugh. Hell yeah. Yeah, I love you brother. I'll talk to you later. Okay. All right, bye. That fucking orange sauce. Tom, that orange sauce is, I'll tell you right now,

I think about sometimes things I should invest in to make millions of dollars. Right. Million dollars by goal. Right. I invest in that orange sauce. Hmm. I invest in that orange sauce.

I like that you, I mean, you're taking risks. It's so good. It is so good. And they just sell, it's homemade. They make it. And that you, it's not even like, I think there's a shelf life on it. So when you buy it, you buy it in that tube and then there's plastic. And did you take that what on the bus or something? I bought a case of them.

I bought like a whole thing of them. It was spent a lot of money on it. I think I'm going to have to have my bus stop by. I want to get this down. It's the best hot sauce you've ever had. Tom is so good that I started. I'm out this water. I can tell.

I started, I bought it and I couldn't stop eating the hot sauce, meaning I would get a tortilla and I just put cheese on it and spray the hot sauce on it just to eat the hot sauce. How hot is the sauce? Not that hot. And it's gotta, it's gotta relieve because it's got a little bit of cream to it Yeah, um, and I and that's what I'm talking about dude a creamy hot thing. Yeah, that's the move

But the problem is there's a shelf life on it right. I think because did you finish all them? Oh, yeah Oh, oh, we went there's what I think was I was right before hot summer nice tour and we just I mean we cleaned them out And then we put it on everything. Dave put it on ribs. We put it on everything. That orange sauce is so fucking good. It makes, like, I gotta be honest with you, I mean, shout out to this restaurant, Elvic, but I couldn't tell you if their foods good. Yeah. Their hot sauce is that good. Wow, that you go, that burrito is awesome, but the hot sauce, that's shit. Dude, I'm ready for dinner tonight.

But okay, what do you wanna have for dinner? I don't know. What do you mean our pizza? I'm gonna fuck. Oh, you don't care, I don't really care. Well, what should we order out? You don't make push cook, right? No.

What order out? Okay. And then, I just wanna drink. Should we order out you don't make push cook right no order out okay, and then I just want to drink. Oh wait. I got you set up, dude. Yeah, didn't you see the counter? Yeah, I did that was all for you No, the one at home. Oh, I didn't see the one. Oh, the booze. Yeah, I mean I got you Yeah, I did I did I did I mean I've seen a lot of booze today I sent somebody out to buy all that. Yeah. And they were like,

I was a good fart, wouldn't I, yeah. They're like, should I get all this? Cause I wrote this down. And I was like, yeah, and they go, should we put it away? And I was like,

I wouldn't put it away. I think you should leave it out. It's probably going to get consumed tonight. Do you think Leanne's drinking right now with push? No. Right not really? Do you think she is? Leanne might have, be like, open a bottle of white. I'll tell you how much glass of white. Yeah, that's what they do.

I'm sorry. I'm talking about nothing. Yeah. You might as well burn their conversation is. And then he learned how to use a key or whatever they say like kids. I know. I know. And they can, like, and they'll be like super proud because they read something like, oh, you know,

there's a new female pilot at US fucking American Airlines. Oh, wow. Yeah. There's a flight I'd like to not be on. I got pretty, I did really go on the plane. I didn't drink until fucking 20 minutes coming in there was weather and it's sort of getting bouncy I made fucking We're a drink and I ordered drink drink both of them you did oh, yeah, it's called the Rick flair

Rick flair does that really I thought it was on a flight with Rick flair and I and I ordered I ordered drinking and he was with his chick Really smoking check, mm-hmm, and he he was with his check. Really smoking check. And he was like, I will both have a double bloody marries. And the ladies are like, okay, and then they put him both down and she walked away and ripped, grabbed his checks and killed it and then put it in front of her and then sipped on his and I went and I said to him, I do the same thing and he, he's looking me falsely immediately. That's immediately.

You imagine what kind of injuries he's had. It's gotta be fucking brutal, dude. I do the same thing and he didn't look at me falsely immediately Immediately you imagine what kind of injuries he's had Under the giant diet is 46 yeah, yeah, and then like you look at those pro wrestlers and you wonder did does Rick Flair Did he is he is still alive because he worked out so much and Hulk Ogan and all those guys? I don't know man. I think a lot of it is just a role of the dice honestly. God. I was opening but it was that he worked out. I don't know. Cuz I look at some people and I go, if you don't sweat, like really sweat once a day, then you're building up bad shit in your body.

You're definitely upping your chances of not living long by carrying tons of weight. You sweat a lot. Have you gained weight since since since Hall is I don't think so you weigh yourself. I didn't weigh myself 250 the dog 250 Do I look like a gained weight? No, you don't know is that a question? No, I'm 250 right now. Oh, okay You have 250 catching up to you. What are you at? I weighed myself today at 250 seven Mother fuck he's been dropping weight you have been dropping weight buddy

Yeah, I'm trying to get this fucking paper dog. Oh, yeah, we have to bring that up again I guess wait is that episode ever aired yeah, it's aired by the time this one comes out really all right My last two hacks I'm gonna put up okay, yeah, and I'm gonna put them up All right, my last two hats I'm gonna put up, okay? Yeah. And I'm gonna put them up. I'm not gonna... I don't know which ones. This is a clean-room hat, but I don't know if it's...

I'll put up a clean-room hat, cause I think I threw up. I wonder if I have, okay, I'll do this. SF grippy and clean-room. And this isn't the right clean-room, I'll bring a different one later But these are good hacke. What are those are those minor league teams who or what is that? So this one is a hockey team. I like both of these which one do you think she go up?

I like the Georgia peach one. I did too. Yeah, um, these are so I get my hats Everyone always asked about my hats. I get my hats from a couple places one of them is Everyone always asks about my hats. I get my hats from a couple places. One of them is Hat Club. I remember the Hat Club, and they send me like three hats a month, and they're all minor league, different brands, they like make different cool hats, and they're really great, and I could be fucking this up,

so I don't pay a ton of attention to things sometimes. And then once I got into them, I found this place, Klingk Room, I think this is Klingk Room right here, this is their sign, and they just make cool fucking hats. They just make cool hats. And the reason I buy, see this is SF Grippy, this is the Hat Club group, guys. But the reason I'm, same with this,

oh, I fucking love this goddamn hat. This is a beautiful fucking hat. But the reason I get them is because I have a big head, and I like wearing hats, I love this goddamn hat. This is a beautiful fucking hat. But the reason I get them is because I have a big head and I like wearing hats, I love wearing hats. And when you have a big head, the only hats you can find are like, New York Ankeys, a fucking Boston Red Sox, the Giants, like you can only find,

and then you're sitting in a restaurant and some guys like, hey, what was the score today? You're like, I don't know, man. I used to have a bit about it. Or Veru? I had a bit about it. Oh know man I used to have a bit about it a real Yeah, I had a bit about it. Oh, I mean, did you have a bit about glory holes? Yeah, okay? All right, so so so I so I found these guys and they all make these cool hats and I was like and I started getting them and so

And so these are my hat guys so that everyone's always wondering where I get my hats And I get some and by the way I also get hit up by Awesome fucking minor league teams that semi hats like fucking making bacon the fuck there's a lot of minor league teams That semi hats, but we'll go through these two a little bit of represent Florida. Okay, a little bit of represent Georgia and those were all my hats up Okay, okay, let's see what you got Beautiful up. Okay. Let's see what you got. Beautiful. Hey, you know what I need to get? What? I need to get a crate in here. So put my records and I can switch out my records. I can bring them in. You know, all right. I got my hats up. You got hats? I'm going to leave these here so I have hats to wear. Yeah, do it.

Oh, wait, so let's switch back before we wrap this episode up. So we talked about, uh, losing weight. Yes. We were gonna do something in what April, which we're definitely not gonna do. But, so is there a goal weight for you? Do you want to have a goal weight?

Uh, I mean, yeah, whatever the stipulation of the contest is, I mean, I thought, like, I think the lowest I ever weighed in college was 220, and then you guys are like, fuck that, go down to 200, which is like, 220 is such a great goal weight. And by the way, we'd be on track to hit the same goal weight at the same time. Why don't you make the goal weight, um, do you want it to be further than that or do you want to just make it that? Well, I mean, it kind of just all depends like, like, what's the finish line?

Because I think that kind of determines what the goal would. But I kind of, all right, I mean, did we ever, uh, all right, well, let's do it. Do you think you could do two, 15? Yeah, I mean by when August 2027. No, I November November November. November. November. By November. And that's all right. That's like why is November? The the the the the I think it's what I'm shooting my special. And I would like to lose some weight. I can't be what I am right now. I mean, it's fucking gross.

What what do you want to 50? I'm 250 and I can't I can't be what I am right now. I mean, it's fucking gross. What do you want me to do? 250, I'm 250. And I can't break 250. The reason I can't break 250 is that, I guess you're also on the road. I'm on the road, I get 250, I'm on the road. And I'll do like 24 hours fasting, not 24 hours, but you know what I mean?

I'm exiled 12. And you mean overnight? Over night, I just don't eat at night. And so, but I am not eating sneezes and accurs, which is what we eat at the end of the night. He just don't eat at night. And so, but I am not eating Sneaksife Snackers, which is what we eat at the end of the night. Where's that? Sneaksife Snackers, it's when you start doctrine up food and you go,

oh, we got a water burger, burrito, we got Indian food. It's water burger, not water burger. It's water burger. It's water burger. It's not water burger. What a burger. It's water burger.

No. It's water burger. You've mispronounced so many things. Google it. It's water burger. No. It's water burger. You've mispronounced so many things. Google it. It's water burger. By the way, you didn't even grow up around them. I didn't, who said I had a water burger when water burger.

It's water burger. It's not what a burger. It is. Water. Water. How are you? Wait, am I saying this wrong? Of course you are.

Water burger. No, it's not. It's get someone to say it on, get. Okay. Google on YouTube. YouTube. Waterburger. Why are you saying it so stupidly?

It's waterburger. It's waterburger. Brody, it's spelled out for us. It's not, but no, it's not what a burger. That's exactly what it is. Yes, it is. No, it's waterburger. That's what they named their burger. That's exactly what it is. No. Yes, it is. No, it's water burger.

That's what they named their business. It's like an eye out, an eye out. How do you, how did you come up with that? How to pronounce? What a burger. Water burger. He said it right. Water burger.

What a burger. Water burger. No one's saying water. He said, he said water burger. No, he didn't. This is like that blue burger. Water burger. He didn't say what. He said, he didn't say what a burger water burger. No one's saying water. He said he said water burger. No, he didn't this like that Blender water burger. He didn't say what he said didn't say what a burger. He literally did No, see you're talking over it hold on dude again It's it's what burger no, you're talking over it or I'm talking over it dude again dude again

What a burger no, he's doing it wrong. He talking over it. Do it again, do it again. What a burger. No, he's doing it wrong. He's from Midwest. He's never been here. Let's go, we'll go on the right, huh? Stop doing it. We're doing on the right home. We'll go in and go, hey, what do you guys call yourselves

and they'll go, water burger? Why would they say water burger? Because they're from the South. That's where it comes. It's W-H-A-T. It's what a burger. That's what it is. What a great burger.

For you and Joe Rogan, because you guys just moved here. But if you ask anyone that grew up in Texas, it's Waterburger. Why would it be what? Waterburger. What is what? I don't know.

Now that you say that, I'm questioning it. I've just called it Waterburger. It sounds like you're saying Waterburger. Waterburger. Waterburger. Waterburger. Who grew up in Texas?

Shane Torres. Waterburger. It's Waterburger. Waterburger. Why is it what though? It's it but why are you saying what? The word what is in there? Why is it water water why water water? It's not water burger. It's not what a burger It literally is that what you're saying that it's not good or commercial go type in a commercial where that the suits make you say it

Good water burger commercial. Hi, welcome to water burger. Okay. There you go commercial that the suits make you say it. Go to Waterburger Commercial. Hi, welcome to Waterburger. Okay, there you go. Commercial, Waterburger Commercial. Okay. Square space is a one. Oh, there's spots, they can leave it on. There's spots right here.

Square space. Is it possible to fit a square peg into a round hole? Well, if that square peg is water burgers pat him out, that's an old man. And that round hole is your kisser. You. All right, I've been saying it wrong. Okay. I really haven't seen it wrong. Huh? I know. What a burger. That's stupid. But the way you're saying it sounds way more stupid because you can see the words Water burger water burger We'll stop I went on the way home They're breakfast to Keto's their breakfast burritos. Yeah, so fucking good. I live the block from a water burger in

Tallahassee burger. Yeah, and tell us he had any village. It was right on the corner man We went there every single night. That was a place you didn't mind rolling the DUI You're like I'm pretty fucking hammered, but I think I can get away with it. And what a great note to end on. The first episode from the new studio. Thank you guys for watching and listening, and we'll see you in a week.

Love you. I love you. Bird time, time and bird. One goes top and swath the other, where's the shirt? Tom tells stories and birds the machine There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep the clean Here's what we call, two bears one cave No scripts to bid a booze amateur for topology

Dirty jokes, ronti humor, no apologies Here's what we call call to bears one cave.