2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 122 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: February 28, 2022

This week on 2 Bears 1 Cave, Bert Kreischer opens with what it's like visiting Austin, and how much he loves playing games with Tom Segura's kids. Also, Tom's kids give Bert a new nick name: Fat Sticks. The bears talk about standup comedy all over the world, they try to figure out the perfect outfit for Bert's next special, and we go down the female golfer rabbit hole. We check out other cool hobbies women can get into, watch some cool debt/stuck related "videos," and check out what kind of videos the rest of America is into. 

You can have it zipped up all the way and be like, and kinda like, oh, like it's stuck. You know? Okay, let's do that. So hold on, you think guys, you come out like a fucking moron girl. And they're cheering, yeah, and be like, and then be like, and just go like this.

No, be like, it's, sorry. What? Yeah, yes. What? You wanted it? You got it. Yes, yes. 100% I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a Yes, yes I was kind of impressed with you last night

because it was late And you'd been drinking for the duration of a day Mm-hmm, and I was like, I guess you're ready for one more and you go I'm gonna go to bed You actually chose bed. You know, I've been good about that lately. Nah, this usually has a bunch of little caveats. What's lately? I've been good about my drinking lately. I have.

I've been pulling it like, you've been like at the right time. That's enough? Yeah. Well, to be clear. I'm gonna have a drink to stay today. I Gonna fly today. I got nothing to do tonight. Yeah, and so I'm gonna have a But at that point it was you know, you're probably three bottles of wine and The one I had a lot of wine last night. Yeah, what you think of that sc scotch? I loved it. Not what I should have had right before bed.

Probably not. Yeah. Errrrr your plumbing was broken. The whole night I'm like, are they showering up there? Because the last time I stayed at your house, I was like, hey, your water's not working. And so I was like, God damn it, man. They fucked up. They're plumbing down here. The whole time I thought there was running water, just running through that house.

That's just so she didn't have to hear you snore. It's just so I she didn't have to hear me snore. It's just why she doesn't have to hear me snore. Why did you get a mouth guard? I got one. Oh. That's not gonna, I can't sleep with stuff in my mouth. Okay. It's like putting stuff in your pockets and going to bed.

It's like, I kind of need to be bare. Well, I had, this is why we're late, we're late today. I never sat in a alarm anymore, unless I have a 6 a.m. pickup because I have two small children, right? Yeah, I was wondering about that. I'd never set an alarm. So unless it's like I said, hey, you're getting picked up at 5.45 for the airport, I'll set an alarm. But if anything's happening in the morning, I'm like, those little monsters will be in here. Yeah. And it'll start at 6 and it'll happen again at 6.30. Alice comes in the room at like 3.30.

Really? He's like, is it morning? We're like, you know, fucking, eight is, yeah. That's the morning. Yeah. And he's like, I wanna get up. And we're like, you can get up in like four hours. And then he's like, okay. So we're like, go to bed.

And he's like, no. So he gets in bed. And he starts to go, I'm like, go to bed. He's like, no. So he gets in bed and he starts to go, pfft. I'm like, you all right? He's like, yeah. I'm like, okay. And he's like, I'm like, hey, knock it off, man. He's like, what?

And he just keeps sniffing. And then it's like four, four, thirty, five. And he's like, morning now, we're like, no. Morning now. You need to get him a watch. And now, I're like, no. The morning now, you need to get him a watch. I want some cereal, we're like, in a fucking two hours. So he's just, and I just keep hearing him move in the bed and I'm like, I'm on, dude. So point being, I was up from like 3.30 to like 5.30.

Oh, you should have sent him down to me. Yeah, I should have. Hey, fat sticks. Oh my God. This is the best thing ever. So yesterday, the two boys, you know, they're super excited with like a guy, any guy who wants to play, because women are like always like, hi boys.

But guys, like they like they sniff through that shit They do women pandered to them. Yeah, panders to them. Yeah, I'm having a conversation with you Yeah, and hey, you could just I can see it in his eyes like woman talked me like a man and like let's I come I came in to do two things. Yeah play video games of fuck. That's how you got to pick which one you want to do It's exactly what he's there for So birds like all right, let's play games and they're like, yeah, let's play games called diarrhea head. And then he's like, okay.

And then Bert eventually is like, let's play hide and go seek. So the boys are like, yeah, he's like, all right, go hide. No, they go, you hide. And Bert says, I'm fat as shit. You're gonna find me right away. They both laugh and then they start calling him fat sticks. I think that's the one they were saying.

They whispered you and I was like, you go hide and they go, where's fat sticks? Like, fat sticks. They're like, fat sticks. And so I go, I run, so the first place I hide, so they run back to like, I'll just say like, East Coast West Coast, okay? So they go full East Coast,

and that's where their bedroom is. They're by the way, you move their bedroom, huh? Yeah. Yeah, they go full East Coast to their bedroom. And what they're expecting. So their mother moved their bedroom. What they're expecting is me to follow in their shoes. Because when they had, they went,

when they had, they went, when they had, they went full, I counted in East Coast, they went full West Coast to your bedroom. Right. And so I knew that I knew that that's where their brain was. So I went and I hid in the closet right next to their bedroom and the fucking so predictable. They go flying past that closet in your bedroom.

Second, I do that I go downstairs. Now the game is on. Because I can hear them like that's it, that's it. So I go down to their old bedroom, that bathroom in the hall, and it's a pocket door, and I get down, and I am, I'm fucking drunky shit, and it's pitch black, and am I am face level with with Ellis and who is who I am now going to scare the living shit out of you. So he's going to open the sliding door and I'm going to go

what's up motherfucker like right in the face and I'm squatting down and he comes down and you can tell it's dark and he's not turning on lights, and you can hear the crumble in his voice. I'm like, fat sticks. Fat sticks, we back here. Hey, fat sticks. And he puts his hand on the pocket door to open it. And at that moment, I went,

I might be breaking this kid like right now. Like if he opens the door and then you're, and then Julian goes, I got him and it wasn't me Yeah, and then they came running and they went back upstairs and then I went out the back door up your back stairs Yeah, but pass the pool up to the top and I was at the fucking window and they're like we found you I got naked Yeah, I got naked not naked not naked but I took my shirt off and they were like he's naked. That's Dix's naked. Yeah. I Get way too into those games. No, it was awesome. There was so much fun I came over to they looked through the whole house when they couldn't find you and they go

Yeah, they go where's fat sticks? I go I go they go check downstairs. I knew you were downstairs Yeah, we were down there. I'm like you didn't you didn't check hard enough and they turned around and they're like, fat sticks. We, when I was gonna scare him, I could hearly in in my head go, you're taking this too far. Like, I have a thing where I do take things too far. Like when I tried to stand on a skateboard and then proceeded to fall down drunk in your living room.

I did a Dick Van Dyke over the couch and then didn't spill my wine. And you saved the wine. He was like, oh, oh, like. But yeah, it was, it was, it was, I immediately wanted kids again. Immediately. I only want four and six year olds.

It took me back. It took me back to going to your six-threat place. It's so easy to play with kids and aren't yours. I know, but I'm saying it was exactly that type of leap, where those days you had a two-year-old Isla and what, a six? Or is it four? Two and four.

Two four-year-old Georgia, and we would be in your apartment in that complex. We would hang out the same way. You didn't make dinner and you, uh, yeah. And I was like, well, he really liked wine. You just drink like just bottle of wine. Murder wine. Yeah.

I'm not getting on. The end's gonna be so pissed that she comes here and I'm already drinking. Really? Yeah. So we'd be like, seriously? I, but I, it's like made me, I maybe you want to hang out on my kids. Do you ever go like, do you like your life? Fucking sometimes.

Ha ha ha ha ha. Shh. Ha ha ha. I would love to. I would love to witness that. Ha ha ha. Shh. She, she, she had a blast last night.

Like she had a blast. And then, but I had so much fun because, she, she had a blast last night like she had a blast and then but I had so much fun because Ellis came up and sat next to me and started playing video games like talking me through what he's playing and I was like god damn it man. This was the funnest age because my that's where my intellectual level is probably around his same level. Yeah. Like what I find funny, what I fucking interested in. I loved. I remember playing games. I remember playing games with my daughters and I'd make games up. I always play the sleeping game with them last night. And I used to make games up with my daughters. And it was my favorite thing. Favorite compliment I ever got was Ila and Georgia coming into a house

at a party going, Dad, Dad, can you come to the pool make up a game And I was like what like no one no one knows how to play anything So I went out as a bunch of kids and I was like all right what game are we gonna play and then like what do you want to play? And I was like and I just would do derivations of sharks and minos or or or yeah or just find a game like like and then we ended up We ended up getting weights and swimming with weights with our feet and it was like the funnest But it's like with kids you can just come up with any fucking game And I had so much fun last night doing that and then I called Ila in Georgia trying to talk to them on the phone Ila Ila announced that the best city in America is Philadelphia

That is where I'll be going to college and I went Philly I go really it goes either Philly or the second best city, Cleveland. I go, interesting, Philly and Cleveland are your two choices for college. She goes, do the best cities I've ever been to. And I'm starting going like, I said to Leanne, I go, is she been in other cities? She was like, I don't think so. She's like, Philadelphia dad is the greatest city in the world. And I was like, I can't disagree with you

I love Philly my whole family's Philly. I've been playing Philly forever I love Philly and Cleveland and then and then I went That's where I shot my two specials is Philly and Cleveland. Oh, yeah, yeah, and that bizarre But and I picked those cities because I love the fans there. Yeah We're shooting your next special. Do you know yet? I have a pretty good idea It's probably gonna be in Bogota When are you doing the Spanish one? Span's being a one? Good city. That's really wanted me to but really yeah, I have I have a few options But I don't know if I'm gonna shoot it like I'm not gonna rush shooting it anymore if you had to oh, yeah

No, shit. Well, no, it's just that I was gonna shoot it in 2020 The plan was since the ball hard came out just due dates You had to, oh yeah, no shit. Well, no, just that I was gonna shoot it in 2020. The plan was since the ball hall came out, just due dates, due Spanish dates, and then like, you know, prep. Well, that all got obviously thrown by COVID. So then when everything came back, and now I'm back to English touring,

it's all consuming. So it's like, I have to like, be done with this again to do that. What Latin American country? Yeah. Could you perform in and say the most horrific shit and murder? Like what's the most progressive Latin American country?

Probably Argentina. Argentina is like very like liberal. Pretty, I mean, it has like, it's pretty progressive. Pull up Latin American countries. And what's something you can... Vaccination percentages of Latin American countries. That's probably the way you find a figure out. Maybe.

I don't know. North America, Guatemala, Honduras, El Salvador, I bet you could do some fucking. Oh, where can you say the wildest shit? The wildest shit. So you said what was the most pretty I think so was that's why I was work. I was trying to reverse the engineer and go. Oh, so you wouldn't want to do stand-up and And I got what you're saying. Oh, well definitely if you were doing stand-up and you wanted to say like Horrible shit and have them be like, you know, yeah, like like like like like like like if you were like you were like

Hey, is it just me or women can't drive or shit? They're like no no fucking shit. I mean, you could do that in Mexico for sure. Really? I think so. Yeah. I think down there, a lot of, like, a lot of, you know, a lot of the reactions you're anticipating

are not gonna happen. I mean, you could definitely say, wild shit in a lot of those places. It's interesting. Do you think America, is America the home of standup comedy? The home, like the birthplace of it? Yeah, where was standup comedy created? Like, who is the first standup comedian?

Let's see. History of standup comedy. It says the first documented use of standup was in 1911. Woo, Jim Crow was the very first standup. Uh, no. Man, us as a variety show of minstrel, that blackface. The performance of the Jim Crow character was the first, so interesting,

that a white guy would be like, this is so much better for a black guy does it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Uh, let's see, got to start 1840s from a three-ag variety show. Then a white guy would be like this is so much better for black. I does it Let's see got it start 1840s from a three-ag variety show What what kind of fuck material? What observational material was you do? 1840 will back then this 40 like What the fuck would you say I don't know? A room full of white people as a black person. I don't think it was right about getting canceled. So, do you think,

oh, he was doing it. Oh, he wasn't, okay. For some reason, I had the visual of him grabbing the microphone being like, like, I'm trying to think of like a black joke. Like, like, like, go for it. No. But like, that's why I had the impression of him going like,

man, there's a lot of white motherfuckers in here. Like, whoa, look at this slave owner, huh? Like, like, like, but then I realized he's probably what he was doing when they were doing that, they were doing impressions of black people that weren't complimentary. Yeah, no, no. It wasn't just going up, fucking with the audience as a black person.

It probably was a lot of like mockery, you know? That's what those minstrel shows are. It's like this grotesque portrayal, with the way that they would paint the faces and everything, it was just like acting like fools. So I mean, if he was 1840s, I can only imagine, it was probably pretty horrific. When did slavery end?

1,600s? 1865? 1865? Yeah. Started 1600s. Oh, right. Yeah, America. Yeah.

It was, that's fucking insane. Sweet. So then, and then the founders of the modern American stand-up comedy, it's Mom's Mabley. She's black, right? Mm-hmm. Jack Benny, Bob Hope, George Burns, Fred Allen, Milton Burle, Frank Bay.

Does the article show whether other countries had it before? That's what I'm, like if you scrolled out, because it said United States, I was wondering had it before. Like if you scroll down, because it said United States, I was wondering if it breaks, let's see, like, Britain, Ireland. Okay. So it looks like it's after, right?

Or no? American, American stand-up comedy, not just sound, like, I know, I mean, I especially know a lot of British comics. Yeah. But American stand-up comedy, not to sound, like I know, I mean, I especially know a lot of British comics. Yeah. But American stand up comedy, I feel like, is so vastly different than what they're doing and what's happening anywhere else. Yeah.

I think there's just, you know, there is, that feels like there's more of it. There's, like, we have more people, we have more places to do it. But even like, like, in, like the Brits, they were the ones that developed the doing a new hour every year. Yeah. That was them. And it was like themed too. Yeah, because we would have one hour

and we'd stick with it forever. And then I remember going, I remember going to watch a stand up in England with, or in Scotland with Patrice and Rich Voss. And I remember being confused at times. Is that guy related to me? Santiago, say what that? Who is he?

I don't know, it says right there. Oh, I can't help see it. Oh, you know, do you look just like me? Kinda does. Yeah, kinda of does. Yeah, kind of actually does. Who the fuck is that guy? You're the filmmaker actor. He's a Spanish comedian. I don't know if it says he works in stand-up too.

I like that phrase to a lesser extent. It's a good name for a special. It is. But like, like like, like some. Some British stand up. British stand up never just didn't have rules. It felt like like there were, you could be a very, it's more artsy. It is more, I mean, I also remember like theme wise,

I remember doing a festival and meeting a British comic and he's like, so what's your hour about? And I was like, just the, you know, one, what's your hour about and I was like just One there's a bit about this TV show a bit about taking a shit a bit about This blowjob this thing. He was like what's yours about? He's like my dad Yeah, I was like the hour. He was like yeah Yeah, you don't have like one theme for your hour. I was like no No, but but now when you think about it when I do an hour, I make sure that if I

tackle a theme, I'm in and out of it, and then we don't revisit that. Yeah, like it's, I have fucking, I have watched a ton of specials. And I think I really would, I'm, I've like rules in my head that like, what's a real, because it's easy to shoot there's so many bad ones There's so many bad ones thresholds so many. They're so bad. There's a lot of times where you say they're making too many and they're just dog shit But what is a really good one that you've seen? Recently recently I have to look at my I Have to look at I haven't watched any recent... I mean, my favorite special that I've watched in a very long time is without a doubt Dave he did he he which one is that one? It's got to be before the mock the mocking J not mocking J the Mothman Prophecy's or whatever

the one that he did in this comedy store. Oh, the equanimity in the the bird, bird band revelation. The one that's in the store. It's got to be the one before that. Yeah. So, um. Right. Am I right? Do you have the discount? That's the one. That's the special.

What I liked, what I learned about this special is a is number one. By the way, I think I've done specials before this, but I can, I very seldom seldom learn from the ones I like. I learn a lot from the ones that I go, what I, that I don't like. You learn a lot by watching what mistakes you see professionals do.

And I make a ton. I'm not saying I'm perfect by any stretch of the means, but the number one mistake is not doing enough standup. Clearly the number one. And, and, and there's some people that just they, they're, I think they believe that they don't really need to practice it and they can just do it.

I've seen that a lot. You can tell when that, you know who's touring and you know who's not touring. It's wild when you see the separation. Because I know exactly what you mean. Let me tell you, I'll tell you someone who we see on stage a lot is Bill Burr. Right.

He is on stage a lot. Yeah. And it shows, and he does a special. Right. That's all I'll say. Yeah, it's even, well, it's even less, because somebody out there can go like, I don't, you know, I'm not a fan.

You don't have to be a fan to see how proficient he is. You know what I mean? You can, you can go like, this is not for me, and you still see that the skill he is. You know what I mean? You can go like, this is not for me, and you still see that the skill set is extremely high. And what you see as a person who has spent a great deal of time honing his voice and learning things, learning and challenging himself to do other things,

like that's the other thing, is his specials are always better than the last one. There's something new, like all of a sudden he's doing actouts and you're like, whoa, the fuck. And then you find out that that was a deliberate choice. It was a, yeah. He's like, yeah, I wanted to do more of those this time.

She's probably saying, well, he's spelled, grown. But when I saw that joke, the biggest thing I thought was, he just told it joke. He started his special with a fucking joke. Like, and that is the most, the, my number one rule in stand-up comedy when you do a special is, and this is my theory, and I could be off is I would not, don't play to that room, play to the people that are on the TV in their house. Play to the cameras. Play to the cameras. And, and do not, do not take any,

as a viewer, I sit and I go, all right, it started, let's go. Like, I don't really wanna see, I don't wanna call people out, but I don't wanna see a lot of stuff other than, I wanna see a joke, and I want to know that it started. Once Dave Chimpell said, kick her in the pussy, and then I go, God damn it, you tricked me.

God damn it, you're good. And then I start off going, what's next? And you get excited for the whole special you're like, and then he's like, he's like, just everything about that special was so fucking brilliant. That I watched it, I started watching it in a restaurant, I had lunch, and then I walked, I was in West Palm, and I walked, listening to it, going,

I'm gonna listen to it, but when I get home, I'm gonna rewatch this. It was such a great special. And I think that was the number one thing. But, but I love, I'm gonna rewatch this. It was such a great special. And I think that was the number one thing. But I love the British guys who have theme specials. I think those are fucking awesome. Yeah. I like, I love watching like,

ones that aren't in English. Like there was a Korean guy that is special. Yeah. And I fucking loved a special because I didn't get any of it. Yeah. But I just liked watching his face. What he was doing. I thought, I thought, I special because I didn't get any of it. Yeah, but I just liked watching his face. What he was doing. I thought, I thought, I thought, I thought he doesn't do it in America.

That shit wouldn't fly in New York. But what is the translation of that? Like, what is the translation of what he's doing? Like, how does that relate to our audiences? And where, what am I not doing that he's doing? Meaning like, because sometimes I'll realize to myself, there's a part of the joke I have right now. I mean, I don't get this joke away,

but there's a part of my joke right now. One day, I decided to just kick my foot in the air backwards. And it got the biggest fucking laugh. And I went, so fucking bizarre, it's not needed. It's, but it adds so much to that. And then you go, and that's from watching this fucking really, that's a good, yeah? It just was like, I'm like, oh, yeah!

Oh! Yeah. And then I find that, you know, the thing is that a lot of the British comics really know how to misdirect a story, like to like a brilliant level. Yeah. And you're like, oh, and you're you're following them over here. And you don't realize you're going to get hit like so hard. You know, I mean with like a left hook that you didn't expect.

But they like the storytelling, it's different. It it's like, I like it because they'll also go a long period of time building tension, where Americans are uncomfortable without something, a lot of Americans I'll say, without something every other second. I go, okay, like, no, no, but you can get lost in that story, which is what you wanna do. You wanna get lost.

I've, man, I, it's, I really enjoy the international specials from Netflix. Yeah. I really do. And I love the American ones, you know, obviously, by, you know specials from Netflix. Yeah, I really do and I love the American ones You know obviously by know all those guys. Yeah, so sometimes it kind of sucks when you know a guy and you're like you're like Like I don't know like norm special is pretty fucking awesome Norm special shingilis special Yeah, shingilis is special was so great because it starts with a joke

I love mark norm in what he's doing because because it's so going dot, dot, dot, it takes, it just moves so fast. Stanhope always puts out amazing specials. James probably my favorite one that I've seen in the last year. So he does something that I don't, he doesn't do intentionally, but makes him endearing. Yeah, like his, just as there is an inherent

awkwardness on stage. Yeah, of him going like, but is an inherent awkwardness on stage. Yeah. Of him going like, but it translates to like, like, ability. It translates to him like, I don't know, the best, you can play part of it special on this. We can play it, right? Will we get taken out?

I don't know, we can play. Like when he talks about liberal dads. It's so funny. All his dad stuff, I don't know what I'm so drawn to like someone talking about their dad like talking about that Generation of dad because they're just there's it's so funny to me. I just love dad stuff is dad stuff has always Like especially because the dad's relationship with his son is is it varies across more like Sebastian's dad stuff Yeah, so yeah, yeah, like yeah, I could I could go through and I should I don't know his I remember a Sebastian had a bit about

His dad being singing new TV in his house. He's like would you pay for this? He's like I don't like 800 bucks goes. I could have fucking I could do this. He's like it's a Samsung How are you gonna build it? Don't spend that kind of money I mean, how are you gonna build it? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha He has taken big swings with what he wears on stage for specials. Oh yeah, and I wore it. And nightly. And nightly, but like the one time he wore that white shirt with a pull up spasions last special, I got so jealous that I didn't wear shirts.

Cause I was like, oh man. So do you realize how I could dress for a special and make it special? I do realize how much fun I would have a close if I didn't, if I would have one in the top left. The black one, the black one, the black one. So, you know what the best was? What? I was with him when they...

Because what are the all the outfits he's worn in the clothes? Look at his progression. He started with that salmon sweater. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which I remember, by the way, that special, I watched him my man cave and I was, because I knew Sebastian, but I didn't know him like super well. Yeah. But I was sitting on my man cave one night and I turned it on and I was, because I knew Sebastian, but I didn't know him like super well. Yeah. But I was sitting on my man cave one night

and I turned it on and I said, oh, I wouldn't mind watching a little, uh, Brett, oh, I just, to parallel thought, Brett, Ernst, his specials are fucking awesome. Really? I got it right. They are fucking awesome. He, he is so fucking good.

He's a seasoned person. He just released, can you get Brett Ernst info. He just released can you get bread or info? He just released the special not his info, but like his he just I'll call him on the phone off FaceTime I'll get it in for the entire the But Sebastian took such a progression with clothes and his specials that I got I go I get jealous bread or says beautiful eyes, okay so I was doing oddball. Yeah scroll up scroll up and

That let that thing there I was doing oddball and Sebastian was one of the headliners and we did like 15 shows and like I remember that you know five years ago Yeah, I got like the fifth night They go we're gonna play a trailer of Sebastian's new special. And I'm backstage with him, and this thing starts to play the trailer, and I go, the fuck are you wearing? And he's like, yeah, you know, this, and I go, why would you wear that?

Who wears that? It is a fucking crazy outfit, but you know what? But hold on, that's what specials are about. You should take a risk. I should wear leather pants over the special. You definitely should. I should wear leather pants. You definitely should, but not basic ones.

Get like $5,000 leather pants. I'm just starting wearing them now on stage. How do I know maybe you just? No, no, no, I got it. I'm weird about I told you about shoes. I only wear one's per shoe Okay, but don't do it like don't do it for the tour start doing it like a month out a month out I'll break in the leather pants because you want them to feel good. You want to sweat them a little bit. Yeah Oh, you will leather pay you really I'm being dead serious. I know. Should I get some like diamond in cross? Yes, yes, dude. Because it's a special.

Like the machine on the ass. I think that might be too far. I think you just wanted to be. Go look, look, look, let's take a look at Eddie Murphy. Kevin Hart, I wanna see what everyone's wearing on specials. Cause this is really important. Women razzle dazzled up.

Oh yeah. I really liked what Brian Simpson was wearing on his 30 on his 30 minute one. I look good. It looked great. Look at this. This is the why did we steer away from this? Was it? Was it? Here's the deal. Oh, I'm about to lose his by the way. His standup is outrageous. A good Eddie Murphy's Brian Simpson. Oh, Eddie'm about to lose. His, by the way, his standup is outrageously good. Eddie Murphy's?

Brian Simpson's. Eddie Murphy as well. No shit, Tom. Eddie as well. But Brian, Brian has like some of my favorite bits I've heard in the last few years. Yeah, Brian Simpson makes me giggle. He makes me giggle really hard.

All right, what happened to us as comics that we're not doing this anymore? Like, I almost feel proud to be the shortlist guy. What if you got the exact outfit he's wearing in a row? What if I got this purple, that right there, or the, or the red one, and since he's, he's zipped down, you can start that way and be like, this is a little too much for me, and then you can take it off, you know? Hold on. I'm, by the way, this is not a bad idea. I know. What if I come out leather jacket, leather pants, and I take the jacket off and start the special. Yeah, I like that. I mean,

because I hear I was different, but that's what bums me out. You can even do, you can have it zipped up all the way and be like and kind of like, oh, like it's stuck. You know, okay, let's not, so hold on. You think guys you, let's that, so hold on. You think guys, you kind of know, like, I'm fucking a moron girl. And they're cheering. Yeah, I'm be like, and then be like, and just go like this.

No, I'll be like, it's, sorry. What? Yeah, yes. What? You wanted it? You got it. Yes, yes. Leather pants.

Hey buddy, show business. Show business. What shoes do I wear at these other pants? I mean, let's see what Eddie Murphy's boots look like you know he had like oh yeah Brands boots on I will be doing this Where do you get how do you get leather pants? I mean where do you go to get leather pants? Who does leather pants? I don't know. We're called Tommy Lee. Yeah, where do you get leather pants? I don't know wherever we call Tommy Lee. Yeah, where do you get leather pants? I've never seen them in a store. I don't think I have either but it's definitely

Hey, can you Google the best leather pants? Hey, if you are a designer Gucci Gucci. Are you watching? Gucci are you watching? If you are watching don't watch last week's episode Tom's on a fan I don't want baggy leather pants. Oh, I want them tight I got to get to my go-weight for this special. Yeah, and have tight leather pants. That's fucking awesome I really do think it's a good idea. I think it's a great idea But I'm my my my the shoes. I need to find shoes that Gucci leather shorts Letter shorts shoes. I need to find shoes that Gucci leather shorts. Okay. I don't know where leather shorts.

Almost passed out again. I got a stop laugh in that hard. Dude, that and nothing else. What if you wore leather pants and no shoes? No shoes. I actually like that. I know. I would actually like that a lot. I know you would. But the pants are flip-flops. Other pants and high heels.

What if I... I really like this leather pants idea. Why haven't we... This idea is what Kevin Hart warned. This idea is in. You're doing this. Because when I watch Sebastian's special with that shirt, I go, I weird this idea. It's Kevin Hart Warren. Let's Kevin Hart. This idea is in. It is. You're doing this. Because when I watch Sebastian Special with that shirt,

I go, I love this shirt because it's so different than what you'd see, you know? No, let very pedestrian for a fucking rock star. He's not a rock star. No, he's he's worn a lot of like pretty cool outfits. He did one in pajamas. That was a great. That was a great. That was the living room one.

Yeah, that was one. That would be dope if you wear a gold chain on your shirt. Old school Kevin Hart, go to the imaginary friend. Old school Kevin Hart is, that was like the uniform for doing specials back in the day. Black shirt, white undershirt, gray undershirt, jeans, nice shoes. That was the uniform. Comedy Central had a mandate.

Listen, nothing too flashy on stage. Black shirt, very subtle. It's so interesting that they would tell us. Do you have a gold chain on your shirtless body? I have a gold chain. I know I'm saying like a gold chain, like a bigger, like that kind of chain. That's the choice.

I know. But imagine if you're shirtless and you have that on, it's kind of cool. I really do, do I wear leather gloves? That's cool. Wait, are you walking me into a battle that you're gonna watch me lose? No.

And you're just sitting in the woods going, I can't believe I got him to go out there. No, no, no, no, no. No, the leather pants thing I love. I love leather pants. Yeah. I just don't know where to get them. I mean, seriously, and nice ones.

You can go to Wilson's? I don't think this we're gonna get the nice one. The way to do it, it's like what we were doing, searching designer names with leather pants. Or you know, you hit up one of the big department stores, you know, like the Neiman Marcus or something and you go, I want to get, you can order them. I'm sure they can order from, they'll have buyers, you know?

I like those, those are women's. Versace Medusa's. You could have them. Versace, you can't. All types of Versace, my leather pants. Oh yeah. Not those, like those are interesting. You know, your friends with Scott's staff,

I'll reach out to Scott's. Yeah we have leather or Tommy Lee we get a call You probably has a hundred pairs of it. I bet Tom of these guys put in Tommy Lee and leather pants Oh, should I have like a little bit of a hog in there too? I get a bio borrow his dick. Oh, it's dick Tommy Lee leather pants he looks good in leather there you go see Look at those guys I mean look at Tommy Lee was gorgeous he's still a good looking man but he was fucking beautiful mm-hmm best looking guy in that band without a fucking doubt for sure oh my god isn't that him? Like go to the left one. Like those kind of pants on the in that runway.

Is that leather? I wonder if that's leather. I don't know. But you know what I mean? It's this whole rock look. And for sure you could ask him, who do you get your pecking pants from? And by the way, I wonder how much of my my specials you see the pants, probably a bunch. You do.

Yeah. Yeah, the pants. Shoes I wouldn't worry about, honestly, they could be, they could be, even if they're great, they're not going to get, shoes, don't get that many shots. Really? Put pants to, yeah, you don't see the shoes that often. So, yeah, so I'm really kind of short-selling myself by wearing jeans. All my specials look identical.

There you go. Leather pants. And also, how about the word amount? Have you seen the guy in the leather pants? Shirtless. Oh man. So what are you going to do for your special? Are you going to razzle dazzle it up?

I think I should. Yeah, because you always wear like a black jacket. Yeah, they're a different color jet, but bombers and like. So I could do, I could step it up and do the suit thing I've always liked seeing people in suits suits are an interesting choice. Yeah, who's done specials in suits didn't row into a special on a suit? I'm sure he's done one It just changes the dynamic of performing to Louis CK did one in a suit. I think he did that 2017 He did he did one special with a stain on his sweatshirt.

hilarious. And you're just like, you know, and you know that wasn't like deliberate. He probably ate right before. I did went on, hey big boy, I had a mustard stain on my jeans on one of the shows. And I was like, how the fuck did I get mustard stains in the lands like, because we're in the edit.

She goes, you ordered fucking like 20 hot dogs for everyone. And you just could not stop eating. I go, I ate hot dogs in between the shows. She was like, because we're in the edit, she goes, you ordered fucking like 20 hot dogs for everyone. And you just could not stop eating. I go, I ate hot dogs in between the shows. She was like, like three. And I was like, in between shows I ate hot dogs. She was like, everyone was curious why we were doing it. You want a beer? Yeah, why not?

What time is it? Flayin' 30. What time's my flight today? Maybe not a beer maybe just a shot We want to do shot Okay, so shot okay, I don't remember do shots anymore. All right. We're gonna do shots Hey, what did I wanna talk to you about? Wait, what am I gonna wear? If I don't do a suit,

can I tell you? Can I tell you what you need to do? Something, what you need to do is do, you need to do, if you don't wear a suit, I would do a muscle suit. So you're looking such good shape. They have these like muscle suits where your arms look big in them. Like Kevin Hart was typing the rock suit.

Like a type of suit. Isn't that just because the rock is so muscular though? Yeah, but no, we can't do vodka. Let's do the other stuff. Teramana. Hey, we're just thought you manifest, I manifested it. I manifested it. You did. I fucking manifested it.

That's so fucking crazy. Um. The rock? The rock's got to have a clothing line. I manifested it. You did. I fucking I'm I said it. That's so fucking crazy. Um, the rock, the rock's got to have a clothing line. He's got him. Well, type in the rock and a suit. Tom, I'm telling you that's your angle. Go muscular, go muscular, just work on your fucking arms, right? Just work on your arms. Okay. And have them tailor the suit. So this is tight. Arm looks fucking jacked in it and in a suit

Oh my god brown leather jacket with a turtleneck Tom Brown leather jacket with a turtleneck a gator skinned What about a suit like that? I'm about like a like a light blue suit So it's not like like oh black. Oh, I fucking love it mute and you know that I know you have blue eyes. Yeah Light blue suit big shoes big shoes bigger like like like like a like a loud shoes stacey Adams, okay? Yeah, like loud shoes loud shoes ankle boots suit goes a little higher than than the ankles So you see the boots. Yeah, and they're purple with a blue suit god damn it. You're gonna look good, okay? but you get with the

Look at the rock you're in a suit when you see with his arm bends you can see his muscles But that's because he has such big muscles. No, he has a tailor that way. Okay. I'm certain the rock says hey take it in here We're good Okay, I bet you can do that take yeah, I bet I guarantee you the rock has some Taylor suit So I should be like dude. I want to see some muscles through this suit Skinny legs skinny legs like skinny god damn it. I'm kind of jealous that you were in a suit How you got it yet? I know

God that would be fucking good looking Blue suit your eyes Purple shoes like a solid choice a darker darker blue choice of shoes. Yeah I'm into it man. I like the idea. I like it too. Let's dress other comics. Okay, like I like everything Nikki Glazer's running on stage I think I that has been established But I but did you see that she goes hey, Bert? You can a objective fire me anytime. She loved it. She loved it She But I like when I'm being serious. I like everything Nikki glazer's there's a blazer's worrying on stage

Like every outfit she has you go fucking everything looks great What's crazy is as a comic? I only wear one type of thing on stage and I wear it every day That's my thing when you're a woman you get to really take some chance Well to be fair you wear less than every man who just stand up fucking amazing by the way. She looks good Yeah, and she she her her outfit for her special Want to wear it Nikki's got great taste and clothes. I remember Nikki had a pair of shoes one time and I was like And I said to tears buddy It tastes really good

Yeah, um, all right, let's, let's dress. Jesus. Comics. Let's think of a comic. What, what, what, what should Rogan wear on his next, next thing? He should go your style and go shirtless. He is distracting when he shirtless. Totally.

He is actually distracting. He actually does that thing. I've told other people, especially like newer stand-ups, that I was like, don't you notice that you don't see how muscular he is? Yeah. That's deliberate. He wears oversized shirts because he doesn't want it to be a distraction, which is smart.

Then you start, you're not paying attention to it. I think he should dress on, and this is what I think Joe should wear, okay? I think he should wear shorts for his special. He'd love this idea. He'd go on. He'd go on. He'd go on. He'd go on. He'd go on.

He'd go on. He'd go on. He'd go on. He'd go on. He'd go on. He'd go on. He'd go on. He'd go on.

He'd go on. He'd go on. He'd go on. He'd go on. He'd go on. He'd go on. He'd go on. Oh, God, you know him well. Like I'm trying to dress a honor as Thompson look. Yeah, right? Am I am off? It's pretty accurate. But like an amonical. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He didn't have a cowboy hat. He had a different type of hat. Yeah. Oh, you had like a safari hat. You big fan of his? Hunter as Thompson? Yeah, I was. A very big fan of his? Hunter Thompson? Yeah. Yeah, I was a very big fan.

I love the way he wrote. He wrote, I try to do, I try to sometimes with Hunter Thompson and my two favorite writers, Hunter Thompson and wow, this really tells you a lot about me. Hunter Thompson and Ernest Hemingway. I like the drinkers. Yeah.

That report that they have of what his day was like, what his average day was like in Aspen, Hunter's Thompson's Drug Consumption. You've read that? No, yeah, I have a whole bunch of good reviews. I think it was the sheriff that would say, this is what he would do. Yeah, go ahead and hit the link.

All right. All right, so. He'd wake up at 3 p.m. 3 p.m. wakes up. 305 is it she is it she is it she is with the morning papers done. It was 345 cocaine. 350 another glass of she is a spokes of done Hill 405 cup of coffee done Hill for 15 cocaine for 16 orange juice

done ill for 30 cocaine54 cocaine, 505 cocaine, 511 coffee, Dunhill's 530, more ice in the shoes, 545 cocaine, etc, etc. 6pm grass, aka weed to take the edge off of the day. 705, what a creek tabern for lunch, Heineken, two margaritos, coleslaw, taco salad, double order of fried onion rings, carrot cake, ice cream, bean fritter, donnells, another Heineken, cocaine for the right home, snow cone, glass of shredded ice, over pour three or four jiggers

of chivis, star sco... cocaine's starting again around nine, drops acid at 10. What is that, chartreuse, cocaine and grass at 11, 11, 30 cocaine, et cetera, et cetera. Midnight, he's ready to write good God 12 to 6 chart truce cocaine grass Chivas coffee Heineken clothes cigarettes grapefruit Orange juice gin continuous pornographic movies

6 a.m. The hot tub champagne dove bars fed a chini alfredo or love that a Calcione 820 sleep That is fucking awesome. You know what I just realized? Yesterday was Winston Churchill's. That was it? Yeah. Well, Winston Churchill did.

I missed it. I missed it. I by party. I actually didn't miss it. I drank the way he did. I actually drank more than he did. And you spoke to cigar. And I spoke to cigar. And I spoke to cigar.

But I really love the idea of a get out of bed cocktail. So I have a little bit of a punitive side with me, where I go, this morning, I woke up and I said, what time did you wake up by the way? Oh, I woke up at 5.45. And you were up? the way oh oh I woke up at 45 and you were up was up oh wow googling googling instructions on how to better throw a drive for a disc golf that was I watched a lot of disc golf videos today you did I did I get obsessed with something I Try to understand why I'm it why I'm obsessed with disc golf right?

So I love golf. I love playing golf and I realized what it is I love I Love the gamble of the for of getting to do it again. It's you throw It's it's like the repetitiveness of like I get to I get to tee off again. I get to throw it again I get to make it better. I can fix it I love that it's it's like almost you love about golf too. I love about golf and it's I don't love it about so much about other sports How was last time you played golf you played with Georgia the other Georgia's fucking phenomenal a golf player Yeah, I was shitting on her. I think I shit on her on this podcast, but not shit on her

But she had been playing golf very long and she got to the state championships and I was like I on her. I think I shitting on her on this podcast, but not shitting on her, but she had been playing golf very long She got to the state championships and I was like, I don't know, I made it. I don't know. I made a joke like I made a joke That's shows you where the state of golf must be in California. She's been playing eight months And she's in the state championships and then I played with her. She's fucking awesome And I was like, why wouldn't I just immediately think my kids awesome at something as opposed to take down the entire girls athletic system in California? She's fucking awesome and she has no cares. She is I know if it wasn't my kid what I'd say to her is Anyways, didn't she say when you said you She was progressing and competing. And you're like, oh, that's good.

And she was like, yeah, because I was raised by a strong woman. I'm a, I, I, I, I shit on things that are, that are mine before I celebrate them. And I think it's because I do comedy. But like my national instinct is to make fun of the things that are close to me. Yeah. And not, not tell you like, how much I love my wife, how much I love my kids. Like I shit on things. I think it's an easier way to look at life.

I don't know, whatever. It's not that unusual. Yeah. And so I go out to play golf with George and my dad and George a fucking teased it up and crushes it straight down the fucking fairway. And I was like, whoa. She was like, what? Like thinking I was going to critique her like what like thinking I was gonna critique her

I hope you have a beautiful swing she was like oh thanks but she does everything fun I want to say it's because she had just doesn't think about it she does everything fundamentally perfect her head's down she keeps around the ball because she's young and athletic she's super flexible so she gets full rotation her follow through her head still fucking down and then she looks, I'm like, God damn it. My dad's like, what the fuck? She takes her driver, and she obviously still, you know, a 17 year old girl. Yeah. She takes her fairway wood, because it's a par 5 fairway wood, off the fucking grass,

cracks it, and we're like, God damn it. And I said to my dad, He was like you should tell her to um she's You should tell her to play golf in college and I was like fuck that I'm gonna tell her to get a bikini and start doing fucking Instagram videos like I follow a ton of chicks George like if that's I started saying if it wasn't my kid I'd be like I'd be like get on fucking I follow a lot of female golfers Like like hot ones. Page, spear neck. Have you seen her?

Ty them, paid. This is taking such an unusual turn. Well, this is exactly where I go. Page, spear neck. Okay. I'm not saying her name, right? Instagram, take a look. Tell me, this is well worth the follow everybody.

She's absolutely beautiful. And she has a great fucking swing. Take a look, yeah, there we go. Look at this black, what are you missing on? The black one, what the golf club? There we go. Is she a pro golfer? I have no fucking idea, but she's got a great fucking swing.

Look at that fucking swing. Yeah. Look at that fucking swing. I mean, there's something very therapeutic about watching a great golf swing. I don't know. I, I, and then she is. It's a cool golf outfit too.

Oh my God. She is fucking gorgeous. Yeah, but let me tell you something. She's that hot. She can't swing a golf club. I'm not fucking following her. Right, but she has a great fucking swing. So great fundamentals.

To me clear, to be clear, we established that but she has a great fucking So great fun to menals to me clear to be clear We established that your daughter has a great golf swing and you're like you need to get no bikini We're not gonna take my advice, but yeah I'm gonna green look at her small Fantastic X out of that go to the top Was to say here 3.2 million2 million OG Instagram girl number one Purdue fan. She must, I wonder if she played there. She must have, right?

She must have. She played, had a big wave. Girl, she go down. More. This is a great follow. You to a Google on a sidebar, Google top Instagram female golfers to follow. Okay. Cause I would like to follow more to follow. Okay.

Because I would like to follow more of them. See. There is something very fucking bizarre. When I see a beautiful. It's a unique angle here of being like the, the hottie who plays golf. Oh yeah. Well she owns it, I think.

I mean, she seems like it. There's, I get, I get caught up. I can watch people like in my algorithm. You'll, I get, it seems like it. There's, I get caught up. I can watch people, like in my algorithm, you'll, I get golf swings a lot. There is something I can watch people swing a baseball bat or pitchers pitch, meaning not in a game, not in a game. Just like high school dudes in a lab, like, I get it.

I get it. I totally get that. I can throw a fucking fastball all fucking day long. Yeah. All day long and and This pays spear neck typing golf. What are the golfers female golfers? But that was when I spent my whole day close some tabs man. It's making me anxious. Holy shit Oh my god. Oh my god. Hit hit stop right here. Do you by the way if someone just saw these tabs? They're like, oh, there's a there's guys really in a fashion and black dudes and Gucci shorts, the rock.

God golfers, now this is, that's top female golfers. Right, that's not what we're looking for. I do not want to see Babes of Harris as a fucking Instagram. Babes of Harris is a fucking little hot. What do you want to do? Top female golfers on Instagram little hot. He wanted it. What are you on top of your movers on Instagram? Okay? There we go

Page Spear Nack. Yeah, let's let's just go by name go by name. Who do you think? Who do you think? Alexandra O'Loughlin. She's from Illinois. Okay. Go ahead copy paste All right, let's see if she's like, check me out. No, she's more serious. She's a way up, never mind. No, no, no, you'll go to that one, go to that one. Sorry.

God, she's, I mean, it's so fucking weird how many pretty people there are. Yeah, it's like, you go going, those are great golf shoes. That would be a great stage shoe. Steel-tipped golf shoes. Those are fucking cool. Let's see her swing in a bikini. Okay. I wanna see her swing.

See, now this is where you sell me or you lose me. If you got a gray swing, she's wearing regular golf clothes. I think, right? No, I wanna see her swing. Okay, okay. Let's go, it's gonna be a video. It's gonna be a video.

Okay, let's go to the next one. Let's go to the next one. Okay, let's go to the next one. She's not gonna swing there. Okay, here she is, top of the morning. So great outfit. I don't need to be skimpy, it just needs to be cool. Great outfit, lover.

I don't, I wanna hear if she has a list or something, but don't worry, I don't need to hear the hear the okay. She's gonna throw the tea down here All right, all right. Oh, she's got the equipment. Yeah, that's that's the Garmin golf watch a great time to play too Right son? Oh my god is the sunrise or sunset who plays a sunset? All right here. We got a serious swing All right, here we go. Let's hear a swing. Yeah. I fucking love it. I fucking love it.

God damn it, I love it. You get followed, Alexandria O. Loflin. God damn it, I love it. More swings though. She's gonna crack it right here, man. Let's see it. Here you go. Crush it.

So go straight. Here we go. That's beautiful. Beautiful. God damn, beautiful swing. Yeah. What if I became the Instagram golf guy and and like and I just wore revealing clothes and women it turned women on.

Or better yet okay I'm thinking I'm not thinking about this right. The selling point Tom from a marketing standpoint is I'm'm a woman, I look sexy, right? Right. And I'm doing the thing men love to do. Which is playing golf. Right. So you need to be a sexy guy. I'm a man doing sexy.

Doing something women love to do. There you go. Like. What do women love to do? Um, top 10 activities for a woman to do. Okay. Type that in, Adav. What would women like to do? Is Leanne and push here?

Hobbies for women in 2020. That's great. While they wrote this in December, they wrote this article Tom in December of 2019 for these are new hobbies you should try in 2020 By the way ignore the pandemic that's happening in three months Getting in touch with your inner bookworm, okay, okay, so I read a book. I want to read your book. Yeah in a bikini I knew that reading was you there. Okay Okay, painting Singing

Come on dancing starting to scrapbook dancing. Oh, I already did dancing great to dancing already did it Oh no one went great. Yeah, it's romance the theater bug It's like drama better pictures women are boring Can't believe I fuck them Like all these things are stuff cultivated green thumb if you told me that if you said here you go ready me if I said Sexually, I want you to pick one. Hold on. Stop scrolling. Yeah, I said I want you to pick something you're gonna fuck someone who Loves cars getting outdoors him baseballs and golf balls drink beers or I want you can fuck someone who likes to make their own jewelry and cultivate a green thumb. You'd be like, I'm fucking the car person.

Okay, you're fucking dudes for the drink. You're fucking dudes. Well, who the fuck? Well, you know what, that a very female thing is like, craft stuff, that's very female. So if you were being super sexy doing that, doing crafts, you know what I mean? Scrapbooking.

Yeah. Origami, like all this kind of stuff keeps growing now Caligrathy or love learning Anything that like plug-in video games look at those fucking that old couple What together a puzzle your wife was saying that last night. She does love She's like I love puzzles. That's why just like I'll just put like the puzzle piece in my mouth I go a bit it fits in now. Oh Oh man, you'd be turning on so many women. Become a magic trickster.

You mean a magician? No, no, no, no. That's not what the thugs read that again. Become a magic trickster. I know, I'm saying like that, don't they mean a magician? Become a magic trickster. The dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard Let your flower ranging skills bloom. Oh

That'd be a great one for you to do like mostly naked and showing them how to and do a flower arrangement Where I set up flowers all your flower at the final shot you do videos the final shot always covers where your cock is So you're like there it is I have, and all the girls are always like, oh, licking their lips. Tom, this is a brilliant idea, yeah. Hey guys, it's Bert Christ, where it's Flower Rangement Friday. Yep, and this is for the ladies.

And I'm totally naked, and I'm sitting naked, right? And the vase is covering my cock. Yeah. And I'm arranging flowers naked. Yeah. And I'm just like, oh, I think this looks good. Ladies, what do you think? Hey, leave a comment in the comment section.

Tell me if you like my arrangement as well. I hope all you magical tricksters out there are having a great day. Hey, next week I'll be hammering home with the art of woodworking or just keep swimming. What the fuck? Like if you told me that this was an entire sex that like to do these things. Sowing to another one.

Knitting, knitting, like, big, big. What the fuck is wrong with women? Good question. But why don't they like what we like? I guess it's all about balance. Imagine if you just like, you just, you might as well have you feel if you're partner. I mean, I look at like, like porn pops up a lot on my phone on accident, on accident on

purpose all the time. It's all the time. Yeah. Like just the things that like I go, like I'll start somewhere and then something will pivot me. I wish we had more insight into what women really search for Like what are they really looking up on porn? You know because all like the crazy stuff Basically is men driven right? I would love to get me on phone and type in You know see where it P.O.R.N See if she's ever been to Pornhub. I bet she has never. Really? Never.

Looked up Pornhub all. If you type, this is what comes up on my phone. If you type in Pornhub, this is the last search that I just, I watched, okay? POR, okay? And it's, well this isn't, oh, this isn't representative of me. And it's well, this isn't, oh, this isn't representative of me. This is naked oil man wrestling and burning man.

Yeah. Okay, here we go. No, that's not, goddamn it. It's just not coming up the right way. This is Amanda Gorman. Isn't our national poet, Laurie, it's. What is it? What are your, what's your... to Gorman. It's a national poet laureate. What is it?

What are your, what's your, what do you think is your last thing that you searched for? Do you know? I know what it was. It was, it was women choking themselves. Yeah, choking themselves. Yeah, I was looking for, what was looking for what was looking for. I was one, this is gonna be super incriminating. You know that people that auto-erotic and fixation,

auto-erotic expixiation. Well, I was like, well, they're doing that by themselves. Go to Port Hub, you'll see it. Choking orgasm, type in choking orgasm. So I, that's really cool. Here I'll show you who's good. Scroll, scroll. No, there's a girl, like there's a girl in the dark.

Click the bottom one that says, belt choking myself to squirt orgasm. And then, and then go, now scroll down, now scroll down, scroll down and see which videos it recommends. Keep going. There's one of this girl, and it's like the weirdest thing I've ever seen. It's the weirdest thing, but it was like,

there's one of this girl that has like a thing on a door. Like, and I didn't watch it for like, sex reasons. I was watching it to kind of figure out what the fuck she was doing. And there's another one with the girl with a belt around her neck who's just kind of choking herself and then kind of passing out and then coming to, and you're like, it was just very bizarre.

But I was looking for, what I was looking for is, is there such a thing? So remember there's a movie in the 80s. This is fucking me. Cool. She's put a mask on. I don't know, we could definitely, I mean, if you knew her, you'd be like,

I think that's her. Yeah. So, and there's a movie where the guy choked the girl while I was fucking her and he killed her. And then I go, a lot of people are into that. That was the movie, the movie with Michael Douglas, I think in the 80s, okay So I was like I wonder if that's online. I mean because there's you know like I wonder if that's a thing if that is a thing Where you can choke someone to have sex with them and as they pass out they have an orgasm and it that's got to be what

Autorotic excretion is right, okay, is that I think auto-orotic excretion you jerk off and then you come right when you're about to pass out And then it the orgasms like all hundred million times better, okay, and so I was like well I wonder I googled it on porn hub and there's none and you're like wow, that's interesting They must scrub porn hub from that they must scrub that from porn porn hub. And be like, we're not going to show people how to do this, because that's irresponsible. I was like, all right, is there any video of someone choking another person? And there is, but it bothered me.

Like, I looked at it and it didn't look, I mean, I know it's consensual, I'm sure if it's on there, but I just, it did, it rubbed something on me that was like, I don't like that. But then I saw girls choking themselves, and I was like, I can, at least I can examine this. Yeah. And so I watched that, that was last thing I Googled,

I Googled that on the bus. It was a good story. What about you? What about you? What was the last thing I looked at? It was definitely probably like a, oh like one of those, um, bribe thing, you know, like, like, you know, she's got, he's like, uh, gotta get out of here, you know, and she's like, gotta get out of here, you know? And she's like, no, like, like, one of those rent control things. Hahaha. You know?

You watch the landlord? I think so, yeah. Fuck his tenant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, just like a manipulator, you know? And you were just like, hey, she's like, I don't have to rent this month. He's like, you gotta get out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, one of those, yeah. Pull up one of those. I'd like to hey, she's like, I don't have to rent this month, he's like, yeah, get out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, one of those, yeah. Pull up one of those, I'd like to see landlord fucks tenant. Do these look familiar? I'll put my handsets on. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. La venta se pagan. Oh, we're going to do a Spanish.

I love it. Can you translate? I'll try. Hey, good evening Good afternoon. Come eat you like the rent Yeah I'm not going to work for that. Yeah, she's like, I've got to tell you that I'm not the campaign. No, I'm not going to work for that. But I'm going to work for that. And I'm going to work for that. She's like, I've got to work for that. It's right now I don't have it.

I'm going to work for that. But I'm going to work for that. Why is it so much sex here in Spanish? It's a nice language. He's getting pressure from the office If you don't pay me today, they told me I got to take you out of here get evicted Oh, wow that escalated that did kind of jump right ahead I like a little more build up You know, I don't think he's totally hard. I definitely think he's not. But I like a little more drama involved. You really want to get to know like what's the

rant? I want to feel how stressed out the person. You want to see the air with animals and the guys like, ah this goddamn dog. No I want to see like genuine panic. You know what I mean? That she's going to get thrown out. She's's gonna get fucking evicted and have nowhere to sleep. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the storyline does it for you. Yeah. I Mean the fucking is all pretty much the same type in scared orgasm. I want to see if there's an orgasm where someone's like Boo and they're like Oh my god Ooh, hold on.

Black bikini. Now I'm just watching porn. Yeah, that's what we're all doing right now at the office. Yes, the whole staff is watching porn. Great. Are our wives here? I don't know. Not yet. There was the, I saw one where a girl quit. That was kind of funny. And the middle of giving the blow job,

she's like, I'll just give you the money. No, no, in the middle of having sex. She quit the poor. She's in the scene, yeah, yeah. Oh, I wanna see that. I would love to see that. Because it hurt. Because it hurt.

Oh, I just wanna see her get morals in the middle of it. No, no, no, no, no. She was like, literally, she said, I know what's gonna her get morals in the middle of it. No, no, no, no. She was like, she was like Literally, she said I know what's gonna happen to my pussy if we keep shooting Are you serious? Yeah, she's like I won't be able to work the rest this week. It's too big Who is she with a big fucking dick? Oh my god But I was lucky. I just stumbled on that. It was pretty cool. I would I would I would love to watch the porn

This is if I could direct a porn as a support I'd make right yeah It would start with her being like Kind of not that into it and they show a couple drinks and then they're like, yeah, no, and but you can see it in her eyes where she's questioning what the fuck she's doing for a living. And then her call it quits and go, I'm forget outta here, but you don't tell the cameraman,

you don't tell the guy, you don't tell anyone, oh, so just her and the director know what she's gonna do. It's kind of like a prank porn, okay? Where she goes, I quit. And she's like, I'm not, and she says stuff, like I'm not attracted to you. Yeah. And the guy's like, huh? She's like I'm not and she says stuff like I'm not attracted to you yeah the guys like huh she's like you smell bad like you like just and like and we got out about us with you I've seen what you shoot you shoot like shit and then her just be

raped the whole fucking staff and go I went to fucking college like I don't need to do this shit and they're like huh and then she storms off and leaves and then you keep filming and the guys like and the director is like well man you just want to jerk off and leaves, and then you keep filming. And the guy is like, and the director is like, well, man, you just wanted to jerk off. And the guy's like, like, like, you watch his real reaction, like, I'm not really in the mood to jerk off right now. Like, that would be a fun born to watch.

Wait, does it come back though? Like, like, like, okay, that's good. I like what, this is why we're a team. Yeah, she walks back in the room. She's like, I made a bad decision. Let's just finish it up. And, and he's like,

I thought you weren't attracted to me. She was like, I can, I can get through it. And just watch, but watch the dude be humiliated. You like this? I think it would be fucking hilarious. It would be what would I like to watch, yeah. Okay. I'll tell you one that I like too,

that I haven't seen in a while, but I'll look for it later now that you sparked my memory. Have you seen the stuck ones? Were the girls like stuck? Yes. That's good. Where she's reaching for something. Yeah, she's like, I'm stuck. And the guy's like, what? And he's like trying to get her out. And then he just starts copying a field. She's like, Hey, hey, what are you doing? Yeah. I'm stuck into this bed. Okay. Yeah. This is what's oh, yeah. Oh, I've actually seen this one. I've actually seen this exact one. Where does she get stuck? Oh she gets stuck between the I think it's a butcher block. Oh, no, it's a cat the cat. I the other side of it. Yeah, anyways, these are very, I think amusing.

Okay, all right. So, do you think in a scenario, so you go in and Christina's got her head in the oven, and she's like, ah, fuck Tom, my hair's caught. And you're like, really? She's like, yeah, can you help me get out? And then, do you think you'd's like, ah, fuck Tom, my hair is caught. And you're like, really? She's like, yeah, can you help me get out? And then do you think you'd be like, can I, this is one of my fantasies?

Can I fuck you real quick? And her be like, fine, would you do it? I mean, I wouldn't ask. So, do it. I'm gonna start making, putting things in precarious positions, for Leand get stuck. Yeah. And then, because I do like those stuck porn.

I've saw that. The stuck one's really getting me. Yeah, that's a good one. I don't like the, I don't like anything that's step-daughter, step-son. Because you have kids. Yeah, I don't understand who likes that. I guess, probably step-son.

I don't know. Step-son's, step-son, Milf. I saw that, you know, PornHub releases that a year in review thing every year, right? Of what you've watched? Of what people are watching. No, I have not seen that. Oh, it's always fascinating. Yeah. What? Pornhub? Yeah. View? Yeah. So they put out that, there you go. So you find out what was the searches that defined 2021, right? So it makes this bigger.

And then number one, anti-romat, reflex, fitness, swapping, challenge, transgender, goth, roommate, how to, right? How to do, how to eat, pussy, how to suck dick, how to do all these things. And, how to suck dick, how to all these things. And then they, if you scroll further down, they should usually have a map and then you can see like what each region was searching for. You know, yeah. What is Hentai?

I've never even seen Hentai porn. That is clear. Most searched terms. None of these are my terms. That's like cartoon six. Is Hentai Japanese lesbian, milk, pene, what's pene? Asian. It's got me more cartoons. Yeah. Stepmoms, anal, Ebony. Ebony. Talk about progress. That's right. A big ass. What's up? Big ass. I've contributed to that.

Anime, like three-zone, cream pie. I've searched that before. There's so funny redheads not there. Is that what you look for? I'm looking for redheads, redheads of search mine. Big test BBC Gang Bang Blowjob, Squirt, Amateur POV. Oh, most searched stars for the third straight year, Lana Rhodes was born up most search porn star. Google followed by you can see right there.

A Bella Danger. Look for that national map. They always have a national, like the US map that shows right there. See, make that bigger? Oh wow. So you see what is the most search term in each state. shows right there. See, make that bigger? Oh, wow. So you see what is the most search term in each state. Florida looks big black hocks.

Fick Latina is here in Texas. Yeah, New Mexico, like deep throats. Asian in California. Oh my God. Mississippi's furry. Furry. Naked women in, uh, what is that Louisiana? Yeah. Naked women. What a fucking childish term for those fucking idiots. Um, divorced. What does it say divorce right above Louisiana?

Divorced. Yeah. Oh, we need to release a map like this. This is great. How to fuck your sister? Well, foot jobs. What is that? Is that New York? state or Massachusetts? No, oh, that fisting is way up there too. Jesus. Wow, my things. Yeah Fisting is popular. Can you imagine just in the morning, just waking up and fisting your wife? I have not. And then it's being like, no, that's what I'm into. Oh, oh.

That'll be a lot. Yeah. Double penetration. What's J-O-I? Jerk off instructions. Are you serious? Yeah. Like somebody talking to you through it.

Wait, pull up a jerk off instructional porn. And then you go, there's a lot of porn. Just episode. Yeah, this is an interesting episode. Jerk off instructions. Are you serious? You've never seen this? No, what is it? Okay, well Scroll Yeah, it's gonna be one of the one of the women just like looking at the camera, you know, yeah It'll be like this Okay to listen to my voice and I want you to follow my rules. You are great to listen to them and to everything that I tell you. Okay. All right, so you only check when I tell you to check.

You only come when I tell you to come and touch you dear to do anything that I don't tell you to. Is that clear? Mm-hmm. I know you're all right, Zahdav. You like it? Let's talk. All right. And always remember that you're chair.

I won't, I'm not hard. So I guess you, you know. It doesn't have to be this ASMR style, you know? Yeah, go back, go back to the search result. Yeah, get that cow girl. How about this savage right here? have to be this ASMR style you know yeah go back go back to the search result yeah get that cow girl how about this savage right here yeah wanna masturbate but don't have a partner what a fucking episode all right this one all right this audio is terrible. Okay scroll forward some. Okay just getting you all worked out. I think she's too young to be doing this. Yeah I don't like the couch it looks like she's

at the backroom casting couch. Okay. Oh, you've seen that too, huh? Yeah. All right. Yeah, back out. Yeah, I'm not, she lost me. Scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll. Like, uh, Where'd that green light stop and go jerk or jerk off instructions?

Well, yeah, I'm not, but I'm not, I'm not gonna listen to them. You know, just jerk off. Well, I think the whole thing is that, you know, if that's your fan, I make you feel like you're connecting to another person. Yeah, yeah. And you're following the instructions, you know.

Yeah, or not. Of course, you don't get in trouble if you don't. Yeah, who, who, who, who? If you're like, oops, I came fast. She's not like, hey, hey, you weren't supposed to come already and you're like, who, who, if you're like, oops, I came fast. She's not like, hey, hey, you weren't supposed to come already. And you're like, ah, and she's like, oh, yeah, that's fucking whatever. Okay, that's fucking, let's close this, thanks.

We should wrap this up. It's a great way to end on an episode. Yeah. Yeah. Ah... Yeah. So much porn this episode. Was it a lot? Yeah. Yeah.

Was it? Yeah. And it all started with our googling golf babes. Yep. Page spear neck. You knew it. You started it. Hey, Page, this is your fault.

Yep. We were interested in your golf swing and now now look where we're going to get it. No, we're going to get it. Check out the instructions. Rent controlled, stuck, drag off instructions. I'm sweating. It's pretty hot, huh? Yeah, I'm fucking, at least Jack, it was way too much.

Okay. All right. Thanks for watching. Let's go eat breakfast, pretty those. Okay, love you. I love you too. Bye. Okay, I bears one cave.