2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 124 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: March 14, 2022

It’s another episode of 2 Bears 1 Cave! Bert starts the episode off comparing himself to minor league and Olympian athletes. What a surprise! Do you think Bert could challenge Caeleb Dressel at swimming? Israel Adesanya at fighting? What if they were both drunk? Tom tries talking about the new Chevrolet Corvette, 2 Bears Racing, and his genuine love for other people’s fear, but Bert moves onto his favorite politician, Saparmurat Niyazov, talks about commissioning a statue of himself, and/or Tom Segura in pure bronze, and how excited he is for 2 Bears Racing! https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://www.bertbertbert.com/bertyboytourhttps://store.ymhstudios.com/

What are you way now to fight to 45 I guess I can wipe my ass pretty good so I tell I'm really getting there Welcome to another episode of two bears one cave You look very handsome today. I am so hungover. I'm I really may need a little hair of the dog that bit me up or bit me up But my dog up but my I could use a fucking service animal You had quite a night. Yeah, I was good though. You were good. Yeah Yeah, I think about that like all the times like when you

were good. Yeah. Yeah. I think about that. Like all the times like when you when you're younger and you go to a strip club and you go, I guess we should say that. Oh, yeah, we were just strip club last night. We're just strip club. But I was learned this. I got here and I was like, Oh, thanks for the fucking call. Oh, it was it was an impulse. Bye. Uh-huh. Yeah. What time did you go there? I fucking, time was not incorporated in anything last time. All I know is that really, one of the most amazing dinners of my entire life at Red Ash. It's a fantastic. My dad texted me, he was like,

you got it, if you're in Austin, keep texting me every time I'm in here, you have to go to Red Ash. You see that about it? My dad went to dinner there once, he goes, the bread is the best bread I've ever had in my life. It's true. My dad gets the bone marrow?

Of course. And I very quickly pulled it away from everyone. It was like, Bert will be eating this. We're not split ski in this. It's so good. Carpaccio, Grupper, their steak is amazing. We got two steaks. We got four pops.

We got Asapuco. It was one of the best meals we've ever had. I love that I've brought four, I think three or four people from LA to that restaurant and they've left going like, I've never had a better meal. One more things need to be family style. Yeah. Like because I love when you go in family style.

Strip clubs. Strip clubs were family style last night. Yeah, it was it was yeah, so you left well We went we were red ash and then and then you took a great shit there. I took the best shit of my life We know hey hey, I remind me to tell you I try try to out for a minor league team I remind me to tell you I tried out for a minor league team. I remind me to tell you that, yeah. And I'm open for more trials. I think I'm one of the most dynamic players. I'm one of the few players in the minor leagues

that can move 10,000 tickets. So that's my pitch. Yeah. If you're having a hard time moving 10,000 tickets, let's team up and I can help you. Minor league baseball. Minor league baseball is Savannah bananas. You are a really good baseball. My name is League Baseball, it's Savannah Bananas. You are a really good baseball player.

I was, I was, no, you know what's so funny, Tom? I talk shit so much. Yeah. I talk so much shit. And it is, it hasn't been until recently that I've realized my shortcomings athletically. Meaning like, if you ask me about baseball player, I was like, oh yeah, I was, I was great.

And then I went out and played with these kids. And I was like, oh, I pulled all the muscles in the side of my stomach. Yeah. I mean, I, and I barely, barely hit two out of the infield. I mean, like, and it looks way better. The propaganda. I haven't done it in a long time, first of all. Oh, yeah. I mean, that's, I can get that in my head. No, no, I'm saying, like also you're almost 50.

Almost. I'm not, first of all 49. Don't even say almost 50, I'm 49. You're 49. You're long ways from 50. A month. Months, months, months and months. These are active young athletes.

If I start drinking now, well, you'd be too fucked up to do two podcasts, you're good. And then, you know, yeah, sometimes you should see what happened when I played basketball. It's crazy, man. Yeah, but it's a terrible. I thought I was going to help one of those moments. You did? Yeah, I mean, I pulled every muscle on the side of my body and I couldn't sleep.

Like, it was painful to fucking do anything. Yeah. I just, I I have a there's a video You can play the video tell my Instagram. You can see how beautiful my swing is Mm-hmm. I believe you have a good swing. All right. Well, it looks better in slow motion with my fucking fat fucking stomach So I think I'm gonna try out for more minor league baseball teams look at that fucking Yeah, don't play the music. I'll play the music, but yeah, I saw you I Saw you these kids are so look at this guy I got up there and I was so I got so it's old school muscle memory

Yeah, where you remember that you used to be good at this and then fucking shirt comes off Yeah, and old school muscle memory is so interesting because you start. Thank you very much. Look at this wing ready. Yeah You did hit a couple yeah, I did hit a couple I Am I was I mean these kids were so in shape and I did a little bad flip. I love that you're Surprised that these minor league baseball players are in shape. I mean there, but you know, it's so funny. It wasn't until I watched their catcher get a pass ball. Yeah. Cause I, I used to catch that I realized I have a hard time getting out of bed. Yeah. And this kid ran and slid and got the ball and threw it. And I was like, why couldn't do any of that? You get

hurt really bad. Very quick. That you get hurt. Yeah. Very quickly. Yeah, I, I, why couldn't do any of that? You get hurt really bad. Very quick that you get hurt. Very quickly. Yeah, I, that and we played Disc Golf with some legit Disc Golf players. Yeah. And I've been posting videos of my throw at my drives. I want to take them down. When you watch real fucking Disc Golf players, like fucking do a backhand, 350 yards.

Like this is my bullshit throw. We've been playing Disc Golf everywhere. and we've been playing with fucking everyone What is the point of this game? Oh, are you sure serious serious? You've got the best disc golf courses here too It's regular doll golf, but with a disc and it is so much fucking fun. Okay, look at these throws So you have a frisbee technically we like to say disc in the community, but Look at this throw this is almost an ace You're really happy I have so much fun doing it and I've sock God, I wish I

I really wish I found something I was thinking about you yesterday There's there's a great disc off here of course here attached to about you yesterday. There's a great disc golf here, a course here, a taxable brewery, it's a 13-hole course, and it's funny shit, we're gonna go late for today. You're gonna go play today? Yeah, we'll play yesterday, get a six pack, we'll go around and play the course, and it's fucking awesome. It's so much fun, it's funny, I end up smiling,

because it's a little bit of physical activity, it's more than golf and I end up jogging to my shot because I get excited So I want to see where I am. I want to see the next shot. You're moving around and we get really competitive We all play it and and I have so much fun doing it I'm like all I can do is and you know my brain is like as soon as I start playing it Then I start singing to the business model with it and I'm like like as soon as I start playing it, then I start seeing it as the business model with it. And I'm like, right, how do I open a $1 million per disc golf,

and how I commentate it. Be the commentator. Two bears, disc golf, invitational, and how I they've got a great course and how I end up just built it. And I'm like, that's all I can think about is disc golf. I wish I had that type of interest in something like that. Like, first of all, I couldn't be less interested in disc golf.

Let me make that clear. Like, oh my God. I mean, have you ever thought of Frisbee? Yeah. I enjoyed it. Like, I'm not like looking forward to doing it again. Like, I've done it. You know what I mean?

It's like, why do I get so addicted to things? I don't know, it's the fascinating to me. All I do is watch, I fucking lifted weights this morning. I'm saying like, yeah, to me is like, that's what I do. I go, I did it and I'm like, all right, that was the activity for the day, you know. Really? Yeah, I mean, the physical activity,

I was gonna try to swim later. Where? At my house in my goddamn swimming pool. You were just gonna, like, play around and stuff? Yeah, just, and then there's a neighbor and I'll wave at him, I'll be like, You gonna swim laps? Yeah.

Really? Yeah. Just to, like, mix it up. Really? Yeah. Can you swim? Yeah, I was on the swim team when I was a kid too. Wait, you can swim. I, you know what, the only thing that I placed in ever?

What? Backstroke. Backstroke. I never placed in freestyle, breaststroke, butterfly. I placed in backstroke multiple times. Speedo hit me up. Speedo hit you up? Finally.

Finally, finally. After how many years? Fucking at least a dozen. Fucking speedo hit you up. Finally. Finally. Finally. After how many years? Fucking at least a dozen. Fucking speedo hit me up. And then we're like, if you can beat McCabe, what's the guy's name? Fuck, are we sure? A professional swimmer?

Yeah, in the 50 free. And that's his event. How would you beat him? No, not Martha McCabe. No, what's a type in 50 free Olympics? Wait a minute. If they're like, if you can beat the first one, first of all, the 50 free freestyle world record, I think he holds a world record. Is this him? I don't know. Caleb Dressler, Kable Dressler. I'll draw the last one. What are you doing? Ah! Ah! This guy. This guy.

Caleb Dressel. This fucking hunk of me to test you a swimsuit. Look at him. If you can beat him, they, the, the, the, the, the speedo hit me up and they were like, and they were like, hey man, our social media team sucks.

We just saw your video. I posted that video, what, nine years ago? Nine years ago, it was a flip. Oh, you were like speedo. I remember that you're like reach out to me. Yeah, this is the kid Caleb Dressel.

Okay, how old is this guy? Oh, fucking 20, 20 fucks. He's like, you know that kid this kid's got a hog on him. And he's got he's biggest fuck. Yeah, he's got he's 25. And look at the bod that's going to come out of this. I love when they do though. Yeah, smack the arms. Yeah, look at these fucking fucking god damn it. That's him. Is that Caleb Dressel? Jesus Christ. That's no that's what what is this guy? Look at this. Oh my god. Dude if gay guys aren't into swimming

Look at this, oh my god. Dude, if gay guys aren't into swimming, they're fucking missing out. These fucking bodies, holy shit. There's gotta be swim porn. Yeah, this is it. This is swim porn. This is Caleb. This is him.

Yeah, this is him. Well, and they're like six, six, six. Yeah. Mother fucker. But you know, I wonder how interesting a swimmer can be because he basically just stares at the bottom of a pool all day. Yeah.

So there has to be a kind of like, I mean, this respectfully, but like an autistic part of your brain that just dials in to like, like that's what I don't mind just turning, like, well, they're obsessed. Obsessed to be obsessed. Look at this, look at this kid. Here we go now

Oh my god, I can't even do that really but 50 was my well no, here's the thing look at this kid. I don't think he even breathes I think he holds his breath for the whole fucking time what world record. He's setting a world record right now He's in lane four. Yeah, he's in lane four. So he's just barely beating lane five. Oh, he did. Okay, Olympic record. So what 20 seconds? So what'd they tell you though? They said he's about to fuck something so hard when he gets back to his room. It's back to the village. Do you think he looks in it when he looks in the mirror and he fucks his he look at himself or her? Yeah, of course he does. I would. Yeah Look at him high five and oh yeah, hug each other. I'd put a picture of him on the wall while I'm fucking and look at him too

Look at the other guy. The guy came in seconds fucking gorgeous. Yeah Why are they so good looking? I mean, I don't know. Do you think it's? God son of a bitch look at how fucking ripped these guys are. I might get Olympic rings tattooed on my arm. So the people are like, we were in the Olympics, I was like, I don't wanna talk about it. I don't wanna talk about it.

So yeah, Speedo hit me up and they were like, they are social media team sucks. We just now seen this post. And then like, it's real funny, you know, we should talk, I don't even remember what they said. Something like to that effect. And then I was like, hey, I'm looking for a sponsorship. And they're like, yeah, we'd love to have you race,

Caleb Dressel, if you beat him, we'll give you a sponsorship. And I was like, okay, you didn't put parameters on that. Let's do it. He's gotta wear overalls. He would beat you. You should. No, no, no, no, no, no. Now here's what you do.

What? You put him in like a winter coat, and then you get You should. No, no, no, no, no, no. Now here's what you do. What? You put him in like a winter coat, and then you get to wear flippers, like snorkeling, like fins, whatever they're called, and a mask, and you get to have a, you know, fucking breathing. Yeah, and if we could put, can we put like a propulsion device on you?

I can't believe I just told you that I'm starting to realize my physical limitations, and now I'm wanting to race an Olympic athlete. Not only. What is wrong with me? I know, a Olympic athlete, but the Olympic record holder. Caleb Dressel. Yeah.

Why is it, what is wrong with me? When I, when I, you know what it is, I respect, I don't respect, I don't mean this good, but I don't respect swimming, you know? No, but I'm meaning like, I have no parameters on like, I have no mean this good, I don't respect swimming, you know? No, but I'm meaning like I have no parameters on like, I have no parameters on like how good he actually is, I've never been able to mean. Like so like when I went and played baseball of those kids, I was like, oh god damn it man,

these kids were hit and fucking bombs. Yeah, it would be laughable to swim. I wonder what sport do you think people have the least amount of respect for fighting? Because a lot of people are like, dude, oh, I see what you mean. Like everyone swims. You mean like they have no appreciation for it. Right.

Everyone swims. Like today you're going, I'm going to go swimming, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone swims and you're like, I can swim pretty fast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I actually can swim pretty fast. I'm a pretty great swimmer. I'm like, if you see my stroke, if you see my stroke, you see my stroke you go oh you actually can swim

There's two types of people people can swim then people who can swim right right I can swim okay kill dress Will saw me swim me be like oh you swim Yeah, I remember I went to Hawaii with Bert in 2008 And we're in the ocean and we're like we're a little ways out and he goes you want to see perfect form? That just burnt my tooth that was so cold Well, that's on the carpet. Yeah, it's absolutely jit on the carpet. It's a lot. Yeah, I do have perfect forms I mean I forgot I'd say stuff like that. I

Do I mean I really do my entry. I mean, I hope Caleb Dressel's watching this uh It no back to my single please black to my single back to my single so that here we go in the water Through the water in the water Through the water. What are you doing? He's trying to clean up. Um... Here you go.

No, uh... Yeah, Carp, it wasn't a good idea in here. I'm gonna spit a lot of stuff out of it. I think it's for sound. Oh, good call. Uh... I'm a fucking bad toothy. By the way,

speaking of calling out people way more qualified than you, um... I got a message from a style vendor. What's that bitch want? I'm joking, I'm joking, I'm joking, I'm joking. That's the fun of comedy, but I just don't know what it's like. It's saying the unexpected thing can sometimes be funny. Izzya Desanya, he sent me a message. He's like, hey, I saw the thing.

I'd be willing to maybe do a little sparring session with Bert. And he goes, you know, if you guys want to put that together, I go, yep, let's do that. And then he said, I'll get drunk too. Still won't even out the odds. And I just said, please, yes. Oh, wow, this is a...

Yeah, I don't know if I won him, got he is. Good. You'll be fine. You'll be fine. By the way, can you believe I talked shit about him before that fight? I can. Yes.

I can. And I'm showing wise. I think you'll do well. I think you'll surprise yourself. What if, how well you'll do against it? What if we went shot for shot? Another good idea. And then, but the you'll do against it? What if we went shot for shot? Another good idea. And then, but the problem is,

I bet if he gets drunk, he might really unload on me. And be like, he's like, it's really drunk. He's like, I fuck it. Let's fuck this guy up. And I'm like, oh no, man. I think I wanted you sober. I think it'd be really fun. I'm looking forward to it.

He went on a tear after that win. Yeah. He went on. I think sometimes, like, that's the one thing I can identify is living like you're celebrating something. You definitely can do that. I feel like I won the fight. I feel like... What's up with those beers? Didn't you need one? I did. Hoppadilla. I don't like it too fucked up today. No, you got a disc golf outing later.

Yeah, I can do that so drunk. Yeah. We got dinner tonight. Yeah. It's gonna be a good one. Have you been there? Yeah. You know, I'm I made an ass out of myself last time I was there Yes, I remember you told like but now we ever was yeah, yeah, and then we're like, huh? I was like two sushi boats and they're like oh We're like a one of the best sushi restaurants in the country. We don't do sushi boats and socky bombs. I was like socky bombs also good call And then and then and then the bill was fucking through the roof.

Really? Well, I brought everyone on my team there to eat and then we just fucking murdered food. They've got like wagoob. But let's go back to stylebender. In what world, so if we're talking about Caleb Dressel. Yeah. And what world can I beat stylebender in what world so if we're talking about Caleb Dressel yeah and what world can I be style bender like meaning we're swimming I could be yeah let me fight

Caleb Dressel and swimming in style better Caleb looks like you can fuck somebody yeah no shit Caleb I can't look like a pacif. Yeah, god damn body fucking a man He's 25 years old how tall is it six three two hundred? Yeah Six three from Florida. Yeah, where's he from? Look at this fucking guy man look at that. Oh Fuck you Caleb. You piece of shit good god in a smile Like here's probably like really nice Oh fuck you Caleb, you piece of shit. Good God, and a smile.

Like, here's probably like really nice. You know, he's probably like, oh good, hey man, that was a good lap. Congratulations, and you're like, is your dick out? That I would love. Why, there's gotta be video of a swimmer swimming naked with their dick on like this.

Oh, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Do you ever see the video of Ralphie Mace running naked? No, never mind. The, where's the video? It was on, it was, I don't know if he was naked or he was in a speedo, it was on celebrity fact club. That's the thing. Yeah, but it was, it was when he was alive.

Pfft. Wait, this was when he was alive? Yeah, he was alive. Yeah, it's okay. Okay. Okay. I thought, I thought it was when he was alive. Yeah, he was alive. Yeah, this is okay. Okay. I thought it was his carcass just floating around. God. Do you think you can lose weight swimming?

I swam a dick load right when I was getting ready for that triathlon. And I, first of all, I never loved it. Yeah. You know, Dane Cook swims a lot. Okay. But he does tethered swimming. Oh, okay, yeah. I never loved it. Yeah. You know, Dan Cook swims a lot. Okay. But he does tethered swimming. Oh, okay, yeah.

Where you put on like a belt. I think you can definitely lose weight. I mean, Dan looks fucking awesome. You burn a lot of calories swimming. Look at these fucking pros. Look at their bodies. I, uh, maybe I'll get a tethered swim. I texted Dan about a tethered swim thing.

Yeah. Because I can't swim. I have to swim tethered swim. I texted Dan about a tethered swim thing. Yeah. Because I can't swim. I have to swim like long. Yeah. And like I can't do the, I can't even do when they cut the pool in half. Those drive me, those 25 meter swims, those drive me fucking nuts.

You what do you like? I like a 50 meter swim, like the full length of the pool. And then back. It's interesting, the swim community is pretty interesting because you get there and there are people that swim every single day

Yeah, like they every morning they go there and when I was going there I there were these marine kids like they were getting ready to go the Marines and And they were swimming every day and I was putting on my taking off my speedo putting on running pants Yeah, and I know you have swim deck is pretty small Yeah, and I took my pants off and one of the kids goes, oh shit, it's the machine. And I was like, oh my God, my dick looked the smallest that's ever looked.

And now you recognize me. I was like, what's up buddy? And he was like, I knew you swam. And I was like, I'm just swimming. That's where I am. Yeah. Almost drowned in that triathlon, you know that? No.

Yeah, almost died in that triathlon. We got, it was a short, it was a that triathlon, you know that? No. Yeah, yeah, almost died in that triathlon. We got, it was a short, it was a sprint triathlon, so it was super short. Maybe this swim is like a quarter mile, right? Yeah. Which is, by the way, as far as fucking shit, are you naked in your movie? No, that's weird.

Yeah, it is. Yeah. I was aggressively naked in the cabin. Yeah. But if you were going to be on camera naked front, wouldn't you fluff it a little bit? It was naked. I'd have to be naked at some point, right? I would think you would be. But would you or no?

Oh, yeah. Smacking around. I know. Here's the deal. Target. No, I, uh, you never get the proper timing to get your dick ready for it. So we did a trip flip one time in France and we brought, I think you can find pictures of this in the dog. We went and we had a couple go to this art studio and they were like today it'll be

you're gonna be doing a chalk drawing a charcoal drawing yeah and they were looking at the Notre Dame and as a matter of fact the dog I bet I have pictures on my phone they they're like you'll be doing this. And then the reveal was I come out naked and they're gonna be drawing me naked. Well, it's France, it's Paris, it's cold as shit. And I tried desperately to get my dick, to get bigger.

And I could not for the life of me. It was the smallest my dick has get bigger. And I could not for the life of me. It was the smallest my dick has ever looked. And the girl was completely offended. The second I walked out, the guy was like, oh, and the girl was like, and kind of shut down. And then one of the, she was like, one of the guests on the,

yeah, one of the guests completely shut down. Like, I have no interest in looking at a naked dude. And I was like, and then what's crazy, is I was freezing, I was freezing on this couch. And I go, do we have any like kind of heat? And they're like, can we have a space heater? And I was like, can you get the space heater? And by the way, my crew is supposed to shoot it

like Austin Powers where they put stuff in front of it. They just shot my cock. They just shot my cock. They just shot my cock. Like, they were like, that's a cock, that's a space that's a cock. Yes, so John Sales brings out a space heater and they put it by my feet. And the first thing I feel is it hits between my legs. And my dick noticed when things started to grow, this is like, whoa, like just cause blood gets in it, and everyone goes, oh my God.

I mean, it was the most disgusting, this poor, I'm a drawing of it. I've done a few nude photos. Really? Yeah. I would be pulling every fortune porn. It's hard to get your dick ready like that. Yeah. Like it's, I remember just being it's hard to get your dick ready like that. Yeah.

Like it's, I remember just being like panicked and then I started panicking. As soon as I started panicking, my dick's like, oh, we're definitely disappearing. Yeah, yeah. So the other day, you said a lot of people just don't understand Putin and that like he, he's got the right to do,

well, you were saying that I wouldn't look at him at, you said he's not an oppressor. He's somebody who's not. I did not say that. I did not say that. What would you, how would you describe him? Talking about this at all. I'm looking for naked pictures of myself.

But you do stand with Russia. Hold on, stop. You know, this is horrible. We're making light of a horrible situation. I'm not making light. You because you love tragedy. Tell me, all right, this is me naked. Lissy. It's not you can't see anything, but this is the shoot. This is for the, oh, I Jesus. Yeah, I was spread eagle. Yeah, no, I, I, I can't watch, I don't, I can't watch any of the shit that comes up on Instagram with about the war. Yeah.

Like they're posting like dead bodies and stuff. Yeah. And dudes with things coming out of the, I can't watch any of that, it really. It's on Instagram. It's on Instagram. So when people are posting on Instagram, you know, our boys, the sewing brothers are in the fucking dick of it.

Yeah, they're in you, right? They hit me up and that's, I don't know, me, I mean, it's so funny, I've pivoted because I didn't really know anything about that area. I didn't, I think growing up, I didn't realize that Russia wasn't everything. I thought the USSR was Russia. I thought that was everything in there was Russia. I didn't understand. Russia was a state, the Ukraine, Georgia, Belarus, and Turkmen, Turkmenbashi. So, have you heard of this guy, Turkmen Bashi?

Mm-hmm. Who's that? Turkmen Bashi. Is, that's the name of the beloved leader of this guy. Sup, Pormora. City in Turkmenistan? Yeah. This fucking guy.

This fucking guy. He is... Imagine if... I mean, I'm sure he had atrocities, but that's not what I focused on. Imagine if Kim Jong-un was just a tad bit more creative. This guy was a dictator. Yeah, this says craziest dictator ever under his name. Crazyest. What he did?

In almost a brilliant way. Like he, he just, he did stuff so like, I'm trying to think, I'm trying to think where to start you on him, right? Because I don't want you to, like, I want to slow build all the type in, his crazy facts. It's got to be like crazy laws. So he was a dictator who was an orphan, grew up in the Soviet, so go up with like learning speaking Russia, the Soviet Union was his father, he didn't have any parents were killed in a earthquake.

And then he became the ruler when the Soviet Union dismantled. Yeah. He was the guy, he was the arm for the Soviet Union, he just kind of took over this place. And he fucking came up with the craziest fucking laws where he changed the names of the months. Like he changed the names of the months. Like, he changed the name of his months and I'm trying to read and don't scroll for a second,

so let me try to think. He was when he was getting older, he changed the ages so that he was like, he was like, oh just so you guys know,'s a law now 60s young He quit smoking and he was like oh it's illegal to smoke now and everyone's like oh I guess no one smokes He's like yeah, no more smokes. I quit it. Everyone has to quit smoking. He was the leader. He was like I don't like dogs No more dogs no one's hot up dogs. I like dogs This guy was a fucking lunatic. He made right, but he but he it seems like I'm sure he did horrible things to people

I'm sure he told people for sure. I'm sure he did But the way he ran the country is so how I'd run a country where I go like immediately I was like Okay I was like, okay, let's see. Let's see what, are these the crazy laws? That's the article? Okay, scroll. He is, there was assassination attempt on him. And like a bunch of people were murdered and they tried to kill him.

And when they asked him about it, and he was like, oh, I'm so, I wasn't paying attention. And then like, what? He was like, I was really busy working. What's their assassination attempt? And they're like, yeah, like nine year dude died, and they killed all of them. He was like, oh, that's so funny.

I don't remember it. And they're like, you were in the car. They were shooting at your car and he was like, I was doing paperwork. Like, this guy's a fucking loser. He's dead now. But the fucking way he lived is so the way I think my brain works where he, like the other day I was like, why wouldn't wouldn't be cool? I thought of this independently. Wouldn't it be cool if they added one more month to the year so we didn't age as quick? If they just added one more month. And then, and then also,

if you have this. He outlawed ballet and circuses in 2001 for being unnecessary. In 2004, men were banned from having beards and long hair. Only men older than 70 were allowed to grow their beards. The rules still in place, by the way. This is, he just is, it was $60,000 if you wanted to marry a foreigner.

And then by the way, no one made $60,000. Of course. So that old guy's allowed to have a baby. And he loved these hats. Like, oh, he was really into dentistry. Like, he was really into dentistry. So like his, the, his vice president was a dentist. It was his dentist.

He was like, this guy's great man. You see what he does with my teeth, right? Ha, ha, ha. January was to be called Turkmen Basi, meaning the leader of Turkmen. What February was to be named Baidak after the Turkmen flag? He named April after his mother.

Yeah, he changed the names of the months and after his family. I was like, oh, we'll just keep these, we're just gonna call him out from my family and everyone's like, He changed the turkman word for bread and replaced it with the name of his mother. He did, he did, he did a slice of mom.

He didn't like dogs, so he banished all dogs. Can you imagine that? Not liking something. He's going get rid of all of them. If you have a dog, then you can't have that. We have an unappealing odor. Jesus Christ. He told your goal teeth pulled out and told people to chew on bones, to straighten their teeth. He said he's on his little girl with gold teeth and he was like, those need to be fixed. Like he's done a big thing and he just focuses on the girl with gold teeth,

gets her to get white ones and then says to everyone on a national television shut like to the country goes, here's a deal. I noticed dogs have great teeth, they chew on bones. Everyone starts chewing on bones. And as a woman in the back,

when I was like, hey don't you hate dogs, shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up! This guy is awesome man, it's too bad he's dead. When did he die? He died about 2006. He died in Ila or did he die in the end? What month was it? Oh.

Oh, he banned lip-syncing. He banned lip-syncing. He banned lip-syncing. He banned artists from lip-syncing during concerts in 2005. He's just a fucking car radios were banned. Yeah. This guy is a fucking, and the deal was total maniac. This place is bigger than Spain, right? This country is bigger than Spain, but? This country is bigger than Spain,

but there's only like 800,000 people that live in there. News reports were bad for wearing makeup. Makeup on TV. They should have appeared natural. Rumors are that he actually found it difficult to distinguish male anchors from female anchors. Jesus. I love this guy, but I'm sure he did horrible things.

Well, what are some of his atrocities? Because they've got to be up there. So they're crazy. Like, holy shit. We said, oh, he had this insane ice skating rink. When taking your driver's license test, all drivers were also required to pass. He closed out all libraries outside the capital, for the reason that people in the countryside

couldn't read according to him. There's only like 800,000 people in this country, but it's bigger than Spain. But that's fucking crazy to be like, I know you can't read, there's no one we need for this. We can't hold the internet, he was like, no internet by the way, we're not doing the internet thing. And everyone's like, what? And he's like, we don't need it, we're good, we're good. We canceled the internet. He was like, no internet, by the way. We're not doing the internet thing.

And everyone's like, what? And he's like, we don't need it. We're good, we're good. We're good. Everyone, you know what you know, right? All right, that's it. We're good. Throw your dogs away.

Dogs are amazing. Dogs suck Dennis Rock. And no makeup, you fucking whore. Oh, sorry, Bill. I'm sorry, I thought you were her. Ah. The, I, is 2006 all video games were banned. the uh... i

two thousand six all video games for band all physicians were ordered to swear an oath to the president instead of the hypocritical this is this is the fun black cars are banned what and dirty cars are not allowed no black cars god dammit No, we're black cars.

God damn it man, you show these black cars. Oh my God. This guy was a fucking lunatic. Dude. I was trying to learn about the Ukraine and then this came in. Look up his atrocities. I want to know what they are. Now.

I'm sure he wasn't a fan of... Gaze? Oh. Oh. By, oh, oh. By the way, these are his laws about makeup. Yeah, no, no. He's like, we're gonna kill every last one. So this place was like off the map, right? Yeah.

Russia for USSR, just, just panels. And then this place is just off the grid. And no one gives a fuck about it because it's basically a desert the size of Spain. That's crazy. A city in the middle. Yeah, 800,000 people. Yeah, and so this guy's like, great man,

and they have all these natural resources. So he's making money and he's like, yeah, but keeping things on the DL, like apparently, apparently he went to like the UN and just ball-busted the whole time. He was like, he was like, hey, Putin, yeah, woover. Like that's who this guy was, right?

So he really is you if you were, by the way, 100%. And, but then what happened is when 2001 happened with the fucking 911, he's right next to Afghanistan. So they needed access to flyover and he was like, that's when he started losing control because America was like, what the fuck are you doing over here, man?

Where are your dogs? He was like, don't look at her teeth. And so, so then he lost control, and then he had died of a heart attack. And it's like, he was like, you cannot marry foreigners. And they're like, isn't your wife Jewish? And he was like, easy, easy.

No one talk about that. What did he do? You got it? Uh, yeah, it's not a list, but like some genocide, uh, like a lot of killing some war crimes. Where is it? Uh, war crimes, huh?

Hmm. He... Uh, let'll see. You know, I don't think we need to see the bad side of what he did. Why can't we just celebrate someone? Why can't we just celebrate the dictator? He was tortured, he said, by the Turkmen security, an American was. Okay.

Yeah, I mean, there has to be no rules as far as what you can do to a prisoner. Well, that's what happens when you have no internet and the news anchors can't wear makeup. Yeah, yeah. A lot of information doesn't get past the lawn. Did I say genocide somewhere? Yeah, and the, like, brief that I saw, it just said war crimes and genociders what I saw. Yeah Guys the real deal that's the kind of dictator I would be though like a fun lighthearted dictator a Benevolent benevolent dictator. Yeah, were you like come in and you're like a lot of statues of you around the city

He said he goes. I'm actually embarrassed how many statues are me, but they want them Yeah, yeah, the people Another statue like you paid for it. I was like, I know, but they everybody keeps asking for me. Why Wouldn't mind having a statue of my do you do meet in Greece now? Yeah a little bit if you're off by the bus I say hi, but not an organized one. No, maybe sing it in my all be at the Greek what the boss I say hi. Oh, but not an organized one. No, may single to my hobby at the Greek. What?

Pfft. Yeah. Pucking dates. The, no, no, no, hold on. What, how much do I just statue cross to myself? It depends what it's made of and how big it is. Bronze. Let's, let's do,

where would be the worst place that you'd want me to put up a statue of you? Ugh. Anywhere. Where would be the worst place that you'd want me to put up a statue of you? Anywhere I would I would love to put a statue up of you How much if you guys can make statues hit me up? I want to build a statue of Tom Sugura and put it up somewhere What are the laws on putting up statues? Do you have to get like clearance? People for sure you for sure you do. From the city to put it up, for wherever city you're thinking of putting it up. Look at this. Oh, $16,000. Rear stallion statue. World of bronze. These are expensive. Custom bronze statues. You create it, we can make it. I wonder if we can get one of you in Tallahassee.

I think a good one. I'd love that. Of like me killing a beer. Yeah. And then just put it just put it up on a in like in front of somewhere. Yeah. Look at what the street where people go out whatever it is. I wonder at what point I bet if you didn't bring it up, I bet you could put up a statue and everyone be like, I guess I should be here. Yeah, when is it when would that yeah. Like that's just supposed to be here. Like just me like, just if you just did one of just me standing regular, we're like looking off at this. Outside a bar would be a great place to have one of you.

A statue. And then, but you know, I want to be the statue that everyone has to rub something, so it bronzes off a little bit. You're belly. Yeah. Ooh. Shirtless, you got to be shirtless. Yeah. Ooh. shirtless shirtless belly in front of Tallahassee in front of a barn in Tallahassee. How about pop bellies? So first place I ever did stand up. There you go. Pop bellies. If you'd like this, I will build a statue of myself. We will. Two bears won. Cave. Do you want to build a statue? Sure. Oh, no, I don't want to be on the statue. What do you want to be? I mean, I don't think I don't think that's appropriate for me to be on the statue. Just you just me. Yeah, I mean, I don't think that's appropriate for me to be on that. Just you just me. Yeah, I should be okay. Poppillies. I'm willing to give you guys a statue. If you can I'll I'll send it to you. I'll pay for it. But you

got to get me the plate. What are the legalities on getting a statue of yourself erected? Yep. Let's see. Poppillies, Tallahasseh. That's the first place I ever just stand up. That is a perfect place for a statue. Yeah. On corner. No, you got it. Yes, you need it in the bar. Oh Okay, oh what if I had the picture of me with the spear about my I think it's as dangerous as fuck for guys that are six seven They could bump into this beer. Yeah The basketball team all has fucking patches on their eyes Yeah, we went to poppilly's last night good point Yeah, a beer though a beer with a fist in the air a beer. Yeah, we went to poppillies last night. Good point. Yeah. A beer though. A beer with a fist in the air.

A beer? Yeah. Yeah. Like this? Killin' a beer? Yeah. Shirtless. When people always rub the belly. And then how do they make a bronze statue? Do you have to go into a mold and then they do it from the mold? I don't know. Because for sure there's been statues made of people that didn't pose for it. So they can still you know hold on yeah What What a fun fucking prank to make a statue of your buddy You know

You know the most compromising position that they just put it on with like, Ali, you see? Like, give me the towel! He's like, oh, that's forever, dude. That's a broad statue. Yeah. Just drooled. Yeah. Oh.

Well, you could, um, you could really fuck with somebody with a statue being, though. I mean, you could really fuck with someone. You know, and they made David, you see, have you seen David? The statue? Yeah. You know they made his cock have you seen David? The statue? Yeah. You know they made his cock small for a reason?

No. Because Michael Angel was like, I'm not gonna make a big cock on this guy so that everyone's like, I mean look at the hog on the tooth. So he gave him like a small dick. So everyone would be like, if you made fun of David's dick,

you're like, what do you have a small dick? Oh right. But his hands are really big. His hands are big because you need to see it from the Michelangelo knew you'd be looking up at the statue. So we wanted everything to be representative of how you'd see things. So it goes, it's made so that it, whatever.

I did a private viewing of David. That was exhausting. Yeah, I'm fucking. This is why I don't do a podcast about information. Okay, let me go P. Row quick. Okay, okay, piss break. All right, it's been really fun. This has been a treat getting you this birthday present.

Was it recommended by him? Because when I went to do it, we brought it up. Yeah, and he was like, this is what he should get you. And he did. My therapist has been invaluable in this process. Really? And valuable. And this is gonna be one of the funnest things.

I find joy in playing disc golf and stuff. Yeah. I think I'm gonna have a lot of fun with two bears racing. Is a- I'm gonna have a lot of fun. How will this- All the shit I like is going to be there. Did you watch the

clip that I sent you or no? Yeah, of course I did. Yeah, but I did map Ferris podcast and we talked about it. We talked about all the stuff. These events, these endurance races are funny shit. Yeah, we need three drivers, right? So I'm not gonna be a driver. I'm not fucking good. Isn't that crazy that I admitted that I'm not good at something? Actually, it's amazing. I don't know that I've actually heard you say that before. I don't have, I don't, what's gonna be fun. I don't wanna go, I don't wanna, I almost wanna, I just, it's,

obviously I don't wanna talk too much about your birthday present. Yeah, but also, let's stop for a second. I've never, I don't think I've ever heard you say, I'm not good at that. I'm not good at racing. I don't have the thing that, I don't have the thing that, I don't have the thing that untathers you from reality.

Like I get scared. Yeah. Like I get scared and I think the car's gonna flip. You get scared in the air too flying. I get terrified flying. That's why I don't take flying. Do you, have you been in a helicopter? Yeah.

Those are wasted. Were you scared? Oh, terrified. But that same girl that I showed my dick to in in Paris She was in a helicopter. We mean her and her boyfriend went in helicopter. I took a Sickler and Sean in helicopter and they were both scared Sean more really. Yeah, oh, I think I mean the theory is One thing goes wrong and you're dead. mean, like, one screw comes out. And I don't know.

The whole thing falls apart. What about that is like, I don't know, like I'm smiling the whole time up there. Not just smiling, smiling knowing how fragile it is. You know what I mean? And then when I see fear on someone's face, it makes me happier. No one can, like, that's odd.

Yeah. Yeah. When you watch other people afraid that makes you feel, make you feel good. Yeah. What's funny is, I get excited when I see somebody scared. Okay, I wonder if this is the same thing. Not a wrecked.

I'm just saying, like, if I see somebody really scared, I'm like, like, okay, have you been in the ocean with your kids yet? Yeah, well, yeah, I mean, you know, real shallow. Oh, so we took the girls, we floated a reef, meaning like we went with the tide, or the current and floated a reef in my body or something, I think it was Bali, maybe. And if I was doing that by myself, I would be scared of sharks

but because my daughters were there, I wasn't scared of sharks because I knew my job was to get in front of them if the sharks showed up. Like I knew I just had to give my life up if a shark showed up. So you were probably if you were in Aircraft and you were scared, but you saw them scared. I would be totally fine. Yeah. And so is that the same thing or you just enjoy watching? Maybe you're right. Maybe that I have a little bit of fear but I see it like reading on someone's face

so then it kind of like takes me out of it or something. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's what I have. When I see someone else afraid, I get less afraid. Yeah, that makes sense. I think so. Well, actually maybe for some people doesn't worry that from some people that maybe they see someone scared, I get less afraid. Yeah, that makes sense. I think so. Well, actually, maybe for some people doesn't really have that.

For some people, maybe they see someone scared then they get more scared. I just, you know, it depends on who you are. Here's the thing. I think that- But I love seeing someone scared on like in an aircraft. I love it. I love seeing fear on someone's face when we're flying

because I've flown so much and I'm like, there is nothing to fear. So it amuses me. Are you taking flying lessons? I've taken a couple, but I like, there is nothing to fear, so it amuses me. Are you taking flying lessons? I've taken a couple, but I mean, I can't take it right now with our touring. Oh yeah. It's like it's pointless.

There's something else I wanted to sign up for. I'm like, I'll go once. That's the thing, will you take flying lessons and stuff? Yeah. If you die in that plane, no one really gives a fuck. Cause I'm like, yeah, that's what you get. Dude, in the first flying lesson I took, I go, I'm in a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, I guess this could happen and he sends us into a nose dive And we're just like going straight down and I go what do you do now? I go let's turn it back on

Yeah, I was a stunt pilot for a day on hurt bird How did you deal with that? I you know what they asked me if I took a Xanax They thought I took a Xanax before and I didn't I didn't I just did it I They thought I took a Xanax before and I didn't I didn't I just did it I But weird thing I I'm very coachable and so in a weird way because I was flying the plane. Yeah, like I had to fly it I had to do it was like weird it was like a Right pedal left pedal right pedal push it all the way to the left and then we do a hammerhead spin where you do like this And then it was weird because I would get instructions.

I was out of my anxiety. Because I was getting the instruction from him, my anxiety was gone. So I knew that I, in order to live, I had to listen. So like the same thing we did the, I think it's called a sweat box. It's called a, it's the thing where they put you in the cage, sweat cage, I think, and you're harnessed in and they flip you into the water upside down and you have to get out upside down

And it's crazy now what that could I can I've panicked in water before Panicked Panicked in water I've panicked in water in in like Being caught in a current and undercurrent Oh, no, I don't I don't remember panicked in that. I've been caught a few of those. Well, when I almost died, that scared me. When I almost died in that triathlon,

I had a moment where I had to decide if I was gonna let my panic overtake me. So like when we did the triathlon, it was a quarter of a mile swim, which is not that far. It really isn't, but it is very far when you think went like for the average person to swim. The average person cannot swim a quarter of a mile. The average person. But I had been training for it. And so I knew I could swim a quarter of a mile. So I go out and I remember thinking to myself. The one thing they tell you is don't swim in the pack unless you're like one to be competitive don't swim in the pack.

They tell you is don't swim in the pack unless you're like want to be competitive don't swim in the pack Cuz you can get people swim over you they don't give a fuck yeah I remember swimming and being in like this place And I was like did no one train for this like why am I so good at this? Mm-hmm, and I was like literally I'm I'm slowing myself down tapping the toes and the other guy in front of me going like I think I'm gonna pass them and I'm also in third place and I'm like Hold on this is crazy, and then I remember seeing one dude. It's funny I had the dumbest fucking thought the sun's coming up, right? It's a workout late Kaseyak and I see one dude way off to the side and I go what a fucking moron

He's swimming the total wrong way and I was like wait am I going the wrong way? And when I thought Bert you're living your best life. Don't worry about that guy. And I'm in third place, we get to the buoy where we need to turn. And I do a turn that I had only seen on the internet. I saw it on the internet. And I was like, I bet I can pull one of those off in this race. And it's where you turn. And then you flip on your back. And then go into a backstroke. And then turn into another, like, that's how they turn. So as I flip onto my back and then go into a backstroke and then turn into another, like that's how they turn. So as I flip onto my back, I slow down drastically and 10 people swim on top of me, like just,

and I go under and I suck in water. And I'm not, by the way, I don't have a life for sure of anything on it, it's just me. And I remember there's guys on paddle boards and like you have a problem just wave to us, we'll grab you, you can hold on to's just me. And I remember there was guys on paddle boards, and the hero problem just waved to us, we'll grab you, you can hold on to the paddle board. And I remember getting trampled and I had to swim off to the side

so I got out of the way. And I was like, that's why that guy's out in the corner. He doesn't want to be in the middle of this shit show that I'm in. And I had to sit there in, I don't know, probably 50 feet of water and decide if I was gonna panic or if I was just gonna swim in. And I was like, hold on.

And by the way, I'm also exhausted now. So I don't realize, I've been fucking racing these people. I'm exhausted, I braided them water, I'm out of breath, and I couldn't get back into my freestyle swim, and I laid on my back, I knew I can lay on my back and breathe. And I caught my breath. I caught my breath. Someone came over and I was like, you okay?

I go and find. Leanne and the girls were watching. And they're like, that's dying. Yeah. And I swam in. And I got to probably have that moment where I decided, do I am I pulling the plug and panicking and letting myself go, I need help?

Because once you go, I need help. You'll never swim again. You'll never, you're done. You're done forever. Yeah. And and I didn't I ended up catching my breath and then finishing the race in the Clydesdale division fucking Body shamers I walked up and they're like Cloddale I go what like a Clydesdale I was like I know my name's Bert and they're like no you're fat. You're in the Clydesdale division and I was like No, you're fat, you're in the Clydesdale division. And I was like,

they're like 250 over Clydesdale. I was like, I'm 240 and they're like Clydesdale. Clydesdale, sure you're 240, Clydesdale. What are you waiting for now? Two five, two five, two, four five, I guess. I can wipe my ass pretty good, so that's how I tell. I'm really getting in there. I'm doing it, and all I'm doing is just not eating at times. That's it, just, I'm really getting there. All I'm doing is just not eating it at times.

That's it. I need to fucking help. Tri-fact is set me meals. I got those. You're not eating it. What time? Are you eating the Tri-fact meals? No, I am.

Don't be fucking awesome. Yeah, they're pretty great. I fucking love them. It makes sense. Hey. Hey. How much weight have you lost? I think close to 20, 25 pounds at this point.

Damn it. Wow. We're probably about the same weight right now. Well, I mean, if you're 240 like you say. I'm not 240, I'm not 240. I'm not 250, I'm under 250. Yeah, so I mean. 250 is where I start, I can't wipe my ass.

Then maybe I'm within 10 pounds of you Yeah, you're gonna pass me soon. I'm I'm I'm a quitting drinking. Do you have a yeah? Do you have a Goal weight and it out? Yeah, I mean I thought we specified the goal weight was 215 215? Uh-huh. That's what you're gonna get to by Uh, by November, like that's at least what I'm gonna get to. Like, I wanna get to 215 and then just get fucking ripped. Damn, dude.

Yeah. You're gonna be playing it so much dick out there. I've been deadliftin', dude. That shit's fun. I didn't realize it was so fun. It's, I saw you deadlift. It is fun, isn't it? Yeah. You're like, oh, I'm moving, wait. To dude, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you know what's, you're a rapper, right? Yeah. You know what's really fun?

Hey, let's do a shot, Nidav. What? Let's do a shot. Wow, it's a little early in the morning for me. Nidav. I'll deal with you. You know, all right. Let's do a shot.

All right, let's do it. By the way. Yeah. When do I get my present? I just, I just bought it. You did? I just, when you were in the bathroom, I just bought it. Let me see what they said.

Let me see what they said. God damn it. Thank you everyone for making this process so easy, especially you Matt, period. Sitting with Tom right now, doing two bears one cave. Can't wait to give him this present. I wrote, oh dude, this is so fucking awesome, Tom.

This is so awesome. Two bears racing is gonna be a fucking real fun experience. So as Matt was explaining to me in these endurance races, you take sometimes go for like 24 hours and you need three drivers, right? So our first race, I think our first race should be in Austin. And I think we get Joe to race two, you and Matt, that'll be our three. Okay. And then I'm going to be there. I can't wait. I can't wait. You're going to be our pit boss. I'm going to hang on. one second, I need you to understand. I mean, I want you to understand that, I'm giving you, for your birthday, I'm giving you,

I wanna be clear that it's, it's the team, like the team. Like that's the fun thing about this, and I don't think I really understood it is It's the event your boys are gonna grow up around race tracks and this is gonna be fun as fucking shit Yeah, like I'm so excited. I didn't understand. I like I was like how much is a car cost? I mean, I was like It's not just a car. It's it's an event. Yeah, and I went oh fuck. Yeah, so this is two bears racing is And by the way, it's it's a business like I'm giving you a business. I'm giving us a business.

This is a model like we will, we will look at this birthday present and go, can you believe it turn into this? I love it. I'm so excited. I'm excited. Because you know, the best part about this gift it allows me to dream.

Yeah, what am I drinking? Tequila. What kind? Some Don Hulia? Wait, three-shooters. I think it's a sipping one, right? I think so. I think it's nice. It's the fun part of my brain that I really enjoy. So when I was a kid I would have big dreams. Like I remember bringing baseball myths to a baseball game. My dad's like what the fuck's that for. And I go in case they need me. It's just really funny. Dad, what the fuck are you doing with that? The fuck are you bringing your go for? It was like in case they need me. Like I'd wear cleats to

the box games and he go, why you wearing cleats? I go, I don't know, they want me to be out there to ponder something. He was's like what's going to happen? I was like good and he goes no it could never happen the beautiful thing about this birthday present is I I've been dreaming. I've been getting to play with it in my head dude. I am Fucking vibrating right now. It's I'm so excited. It's gonna be so much fun Our first race is gonna be so much fun. I cannot wait. How will you present the president? I'm working on that right now. We're that's part of what we're texting about.

Matt Ferrer has been invaluable. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy number one. But his, you know what's interesting is, obviously I'm not a car guy. Yeah. But when you go to his spot,

yeah. It's impossible not to be a car guy. I mean, okay guy going to strip club, and I still appreciate the way they dance. It's a car porn in there, it really is. And he really, really knows his shit. I mean, it's insane. He really does. So we, do you know what you like about a car?

Like not, we're not talking about your birthday present We're talking about in a car. What is the thing that that turns you on when you see a car? When I see a car like what I mean because there's there's different things right? There's the aesthetic for sure like you like the way a car looks probably first So like so I I don't know lines, right? Yeah, but good rims So like, so I don't know lines, right? Yeah. But good rims. Well, red band just got a new car.

What do you get? Supra, pull up red bands, Instagram. And I couldn't tell if I liked the car, but I liked the rims. My dad pointed out rims to me when I was a kid. When I got my first car, my dad said alloy rims, buddy. Trust me, it makes the car. The good looking rims, right?

Cool, cool cool man. Yeah So like I can yeah, that's a red. I love the red inside the rim Yeah, like if you get a little bit of the caliper the brake caliper is how it is Yeah, I like that. I think that's cool But I can't tell lines. I don't know like I know that the new Corvette is fucking sexy It is I only know that cuz Leanne liked it. I would never notice it on the street, really? I just would not. Pull up the new Corvette is a fucking sexy goddamn car.

At a quick, when you look quickly, it looks like a Ferrari. Yeah. By the way, I drove a Ferrari, I did not enjoy it. Recently? No, I mean, yeah, like I was an adult. Like a couple couple years ago. A lot longer.

Oh, I really enjoyed driving a Lamborghini. You did. But only because Lamborghini was in the car, the hot six drove in Cannonball Run. And so I always associated Lamborghinis with sex. Do you remember when I brought the Lamborghini to yoga? Yeah. You're like, who are you?

But I don't even understand that side of you. Like that you'd, I don't understand that you'd rent a car to drive it. Like I don't know. I don't know and I wish I wanna get into it. Like it's, I remember being in a country, oh there's gonna be a little bit of a stretch because I'm drunk. The, I remember being in a country, oh, there's going to be a little bit of a stretch because I'm drunk.

The, I remember going to a country music concert and Luke Bryant was playing. And I, or someone that was very good was playing. And I sat in the front, whoof it. I sat in the front and we were, we had, oh, I remember this, you told me this. And I was, I was obstinate. It was like, I don't even care about this.

Yeah. People would love to be sitting where I'm sitting. And And I was, I was obstinate. I was like, I don't even care about this. Yeah. People would love to be sitting more upset. And then I thought, how stupid am I? This guy's fucking great. And I should really try to enjoy it. And then I sat back and I went, oh, this is actually great performer.

If you drove a few vehicles, and I'm not saying people think that when you like cars they go, if you like cars that go, if you drove the fastest car, you'd be into this. And that is not, I don't think that's the case. If you drove enough different performance cars, you would find one that you probably would connect to. Meaning it's the whole thing, the way it looks,

the way it drives, the way it handles, the power, but it doesn't have to be the fastest. There's just like this really an experience of like feeling like you guys are like your one. I can't do what you did. Remember the time when we were going to go get chicken tenders and you punched it around the corner. Yeah.

And you were like, and I don't like that. That makes me scared. Like I don't enjoy it. Like Leanne loves it. Leanne loves it. You love it. Leanne, I took her in that. That makes me scared. Like I don't enjoy it. Like Leanne loves it. Leanne loves it. You love it. Leanne, I took her in that McLaren on the 101. I told Matt, that's the closest you've ever

had been to fucking my wife was watching her, watching her. What? She was so excited dude. She, by the way. She gets her wet. I'm not even joking. I have known your wife almost as long as I've known you. Yeah.

I've had a lot of conversations. I've had dinners. We've gone on vacation together. I've been your house countless time. Like, we've hung out so many times. I've never seen the display of emotion when we went for that ride. I mean, she kicked the fucking dash.

She was hollering and she was like, woo! Yeah! Like, like, screaming shit and I was like, who are you? That's what she's like to fuck. That's like that. When that's what I fucking love about her is that she is not that person. And then all of a sudden you get her fucking going and it's like, Oh fuck! Fuck! Oh shit! Spin on my cooter. We learned that she doesn't like, spin on my scooter. We learned that she doesn't like to spin on the scooter.

No, she does not, she does not. But that's like, she would go in, I also wonder if it's a weird way, like, she'd love cars. Yeah, she'd love cars, like, and- And she liked like the faster it went, the quicker those shifts were, the more she was like, yeah, like she didn't do the thing that I would say, a lot of women do not all women,

but a lot of women were like, all right, take it easy. Slow it down. That's enough. That's enough. Yeah. What was George who George were like me? No, she was like, like she was like, this is awesome.

Oh man, that fucking kid. Let me tell you, I wanted to get Leanne that Corvette, but when we were getting it, it was in the quarantine when she turned 50. Uh-huh. I was gonna get her that Corvette. She's so much older now. I know. Do she looks it?

Stop! I have a joke about it. Yeah. I got these reading glasses. I look cute, right? Very cute, right? Yeah. I said, babe, I look good, don't you? And then don't I? She said, yeah, she's gonna give me a kiss.

And I realized, I haven't seen I look good don't you know and don't I she said yes, you give me a kiss and I realized I'm It's been this bitch and high death In 10 years I was like break these glasses save my marriage What happened to your father No, that's that's the closest you've ever been to fucking my wife because that is like It's funny the different things we provide to our wives. Like when you came over that Leanne loved it

and Leanne couldn't not stop talking about it. That was a McLaren, right? Yeah. There was a 720S. I mean, pull it up. Pull it up. Let me see it. It was a McLaren 720S.

What maybe, oh. It was a spider too. Hey, why don't we do like, what is there like a exotic car rental in Houston? Or an offset? That, that right there. That's the car. That's what we went out in, yeah.

Maybe when I come in, when I come in town, I'll do an exotic car rental. And we'll have to vote them. And then we'll like give them their, their thing and then we can get free car rental. So I don't have the rent fucking mini vans. Well, let's do it or or or Is there a Harley dealership in Austin or Indian dealership. I'm sure. I would love to what am I doing? Why am I?

This is the easiest way for me to die is me drive myself around Love just come in here and get fucking wasted Thanks to the job the all right hold on hold on is me drive myself around. Love just coming here and getting fucking wasted. Thanks, Nidav. The, all right, hold on, hold on, ready? Yeah. One, exotic car, you really, I was talking to Matt Faire about this. Yeah.

The funnest thing about this process of getting a birthday present is been searching for it. It all of a sudden it occupies space in your mind. And I can only, and I know this is gonna sound not great to everyone, but I've obviously bought bull mass tips from a breeder, I have bull mass tips. My favorite thing to do is research puppies. Is looking puppies, looking pictures of puppies, looking at pictures of puppies,

watches, we were talking about watches. Like when you go in like, like I wanna get George a nice watch for graduation. And I don't know, the problem is, she has real issues with money. So I wanna get her something solid. Like maybe like a nice, what's the one that's like a solid, solid watch?

Is it sacred? Not like sacred, but it's just, it's not a script, it's not flashy. Something nice that is just kind of boring, because I think Georgia doesn't want anything nice, you know? Yeah. It's, she's an interesting kid. There are all the kids these days, we're into thrift clothes and like, they don't like, and Georgia's is very I think

Embarrassed of anything that looks flashy that's not who that kid is. I'll tell you what I was to play fucking the cross She has a she body to check Fucking and I was like where is this from just call and then she had a mouth I didn't know what was wrong going on. I thought she had a fucking head injury. She had a mouth guard in She's like And I was like what the fuck happened, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Did I ever tell you that it is? It's the most fun. That's the fun. It is almost, and I bet there's people watching this that can translate to go, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I haven't gotten my car that I want. I don't have that money yet,

but I have, I really enjoy looking at them and going, ooh, I think that's how every enthusiast of anything starts. It's the fascination with looking at it, right? Yeah, look at it, Carl. Did I ever tell you, did I ever tell you my Watch story from high school what happened. Yep. I did tell you that I thought you're gonna meet Rolex. Yeah Yeah, and she goes we did But then when you thought I was getting it for you, I returned it and I got you this say go And I was getting it for you, I returned it and I got you this say go I was like Thanks

Should bought me a Rolex returned it and told me that's the other right told me I Returned the Rolex and got you this say go and now Whenever I buy a Rolex, I take a picture. I said I go look what I bought bitch I said I go look what I bought bitch. The looking I need your fucking gift the looking is a fun part. Let's do this with let's do this with our with people watching this Yeah, let's pick a thing that we enjoy looking. I want let's do a car Let's get into a into a thing where we can text each other on Twitter or on Instagram Picks or tag each other of pictures of cars we want. Cause that's the fun part, like me and Matt have been,

you wanna talk about cars we want? But let's pick a genre. Okay, so we're all going in the same genre. Okay, okay. So that's like, if you have dogs I want, I don't want just a hundred pictures of dogs, I'm not interested, right? Right, I mean, I like Beaumas' tips.

That's my dog. Okay, okay, okay. So like, cars, I don't know much. I'll tell you one that you could probably get into. I don't have a convertible. And it's a whole world, there's a whole world, you can do a modern, you can do a, like an exotic convertible, you can do a old school convertible. That's so great, I'm so great. Two bears won't convertible. All right do a old school convertible. So great.

Two bears won convertible. All right. Let's see convertibles. There's all types I'm saying. There's so weird. So you can get like a fucking old Jagger out there. Or you can get a reasonable, like a Ford Mustang convertible. Like there's all types of stuff.

My sister had a Ford Mustang convertible. They're cool. That was a great car, it was a baby blue. Yeah. My dad had a new idea. Convertibles are, I don't have a convertible you must have a GT. Okay.

Let's buy convertibles. We're gonna buy them? Well, I mean, you have to say you're gonna buy one to enjoy looking for them. Okay, let's buy one. And so here's what we want, okay. What? How do we, I wish I was better on, let's get one and and and and so here's what we want okay, what how do we I wish I was better on Let's get them. What are we doing tag tag us on Instagram on your stories? Okay tag us both Tom and I and maybe in the docs

So we can pull them up later. We'll screen grab them But grab pictures of the convertibles. This will be the fun. Okay, is that Let's not are you open to I'm open to everything I'm open to by the way if you're in if you're a fan of the show and you're watching I'm also open to affordable convertibles like I said I'll say what the Chrysler of Aaron convertible Yeah, it's one of the sexiest convertibles. We had that we had the Chrysler of American Virgible and we look like Chrysler of Aaron convertible my dad was one of the goddamn best Commoders gave it to my mom. Yeah, and got her the license plate charrow Look at this fucking car. That's what we had man. That was a goddamn gorgeous fucking car

Scopbo beer his mom had the the Labyrin with the panels on the side That's what we had the 89 that red one. We had that's a good looking car I'm my my go to was always been a 72 elder auto convertible Cadillac cool in 72 Elder auto convertible Cadillac and by. And 72 elder auto convertible Cadillac. And by the way, if you're a car dealer and you can hook us up, no hook us up, but like line us up with something, I'll buy it, I'll leave it here,

and that'll be my drive around car here. You can have that. Ooh. That is such a sexy car. It is. Red with white is so, loved I like the black dude the What is it the 69 Lincoln Lincoln? Yeah, we saw one at that soccer match remember and yes, you remember that? Yes guy lives in Austin. That is the best goddamn

Yeah, okay, so now take me sexy take me sexy convertibles, right? Like yeah, so I've given you the old man convertibles. I think that's my genre Yeah, I like the what's it called the the old school likeibles, I think that's my genre. Yeah, or like the, what's it called? The old school like Impala's and those. And then you could do modern stuff. You know, there's a Aston Martin. What is it? The DB 11 or the vanquish that's convertible?

I forget which one it is. But yeah, I mean, that's a pretty sexy one. Oh, come on. Oh man. So the question is, but yeah, I mean, that's a pretty sexy way. Oh, come on. Oh, man. So the question is, so if we're breaking down convertibles, and I think this is one of my favorite things we've ever done in two bears, one cave BMW M8 convertible. Pulled up, let me see. That's a pretty good one.

The thing is, in a convertible, it really allows you to experience driving differently look at that That's a hot ride Leanne wanted Leanne wanted a BMW convertible. She wanted the M4 The four maybe So bad with it. There you go. That's an M4 convertible. Never tell you what happened. Wouldn't it? We were at BMW shorts all year this. We were at BMW.

Yeah. And I was trying to get her to buy a seven series. We were buying the five series. And I kept telling the guy, I wanna see the seven series. And so one of the guys that worked there, one of the guys that just made his guy, whatever. He pulls up in a seven series and like pulls up and it's sexy. He's like fucking sexy, but not me But you know, it was like fucking gray red interior fucking beautiful rims

And I was like what the fuck is this and he gets out of it It was this that seven series he goes I've been watching you you want that seven series don't you? I said yeah, he goes just getting the five series and I was like, yeah, and he was like, uh, there's a black dude, right? And he was like, so just to give him a little fairness in this, what he's about to say. And don't listen, we're getting seven series. I was like, yeah, so then I sit in the seven series and he, Leanne comes out, she goes, and he looks at me goes your son wants the seventh series Was cuz of the way I was dressed cuz I you know like I wear fucking hats and

I'm fucking and Lee here comes out with a purse rounder arm And just like Glasses It was a black dress. So he's looking to do white people and I fucking could not stop laughing and I come out like a mom Can I get it? He's not my son. He's my husband and the guy goes oh And walked away it was like call her pregnant. Oh I just walked away. I was like I wanted to go into the garage high five that black guy tells armor Convertibles man, this is gonna be a fucking blast I'm gonna go into the garage, high five, that black guy tells armor! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Cabriolet and the Cabriolet. Whoa, do you remember the Volkswagen Cabriolet? Volkswagen Cabriolet.

Cabriolet, what a beautiful word. So that's the like the K-Mankerville, put in the 911 convertible. That is a fucking... When it comes to convertibles, come on. That's fucking sexy. Yeah, man. God, that's fucking sexy.

What's that cost? But Porsche's deceptive, cause they're like, they're like 67,000 or that's fucking sexy. What's that cost? But Porsche is deceptive because they're like they're like 67,000 or 211,000 They do fight with you They're options and shit are so ridiculous and everything now not just Porsche Toyota's you pay over MSRP Like you would for a limited edition car because production is so low and demand is so high that like if you're like I want to get a Corolla they're like you're gonna pay 4,000 over MSRP.

I swear to God. I get the I love car. You know what she wants? What? It's fucking idiot. What? She goes two two choices, Dad. And you cannot, you've got to pick one. A Kia Soul. Okay. Or a Subaru Forester. Okay. I was like, I'm not driving either of those cars. Like I understand that you want that, but if it's the last car out of the driveway, I'm

not getting in a Kia fucking soul and going to the store. Like, and she's like, Dad, it's the coolest car ever I go what thank thank you Tom thank you I said baby please let me get you something nice like like like what it's a nice card I'm not shitting obviously you are shitting on it I am shitting I don't want to fucking drive it I don't want to fucking drive the kids look at it look at it, look at it. Hey look at it. What is the fucking green picture? That's what Ilo wants me to drive. She goes, Dad, it's a good car. You can take it out to the beach and I go,

I'm not driving this to the fucking beach. A line kiss, oh. She goes, Dad, it's a sexy car. It's not. The Subaru Forester is not that bad. Subaru's makes a great car. I've been a Subaru Forester. I've been a Subaru's that are great.

Subaru's are great cars. They actually are pretty great cars. Let's see. Oh yeah, I was wondering. Subaru makes a pretty good car. The one you want isn't the Forester though. It's the, it's the, um, the fucking nice one. The Subaru makes a fucking nice car.

People who drive Subaru's, you know, there's like a, the retention rate for their customers is so high Do you get addicted to them because I we drove home for travel channel? Yeah every time I got in that I was like god damn it. This is a great fucking car. Yeah the great steering wheel It's it's made nice inside was it their things cheap and built to stay that way hmm. Yeah pull up Subaru Do Subaru make it convertible? probably not It reminds me of Shane Gillis is a liberal dad joke to Subaru make it convertible? Probably not. It reminds me of Shane Gillis' liberal dad joke.

Yeah. Have you heard it? Yeah. In the special? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's cool. A Subaru convertible. Wow. All right, we should go.

We should go. We should go. Hang on on real quick Let's recap the episode if everyone like if you let's read I Will fight Israel yeah, you can swim against Caleb yep a Suck in baseball and a disc golf and racing and at racing. I Am pit crew of two bears racing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your presence on its way, we're figuring it out. It was just purchased. It was just purchased. Literally the text, I got, are you ready for this text? This is how, this is how official your birthday present is. Transferring funds now So excited fun. This is so fucking stupid

This is where we're so fucking excited. This is last fault Yeah, you got me a shitty present and you got me a good one Yeah, and I came on and we raved about it and then it's been building and it's and then went to it Just can I got to tell you something man. This is the dumbest thing ever. You know, we're both on tour right now. So we have a distorted sense of our income, but I will get you something fucking stupid in November. I promise you.

I hope I'm alive. Yeah. I have the way I'm partyin' these days. I hope I'm here. And I gotta tell you something. I am thinking, honestly, I met somebody who deals in weapons like a high level arms dealer. And I need a tank.

Dude, I'm serious, I used to joke about it. I can get you some fucking state of the art shit. I can get you shit that people can't get. This all started because you bought me a fucking bike and now I am having someone transfer funds to buy you a fucking present. Yeah. And now there's going to be fucking mines in your yard. There's people watching this. They go, I get it. I get the joke. They've now, it's, they're punishing each other. You know this is gonna go fucking viral. So I'm point where they go, this is how out of touch these two white men are.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, I get it. Here's the thing, we're fucking outliers, okay? You're not, you're not a world. Fucking outliers class. We're fucking outliers. You could, if you had the skills that we have, You're not a world FUCKETOUT LIARS CLASS What a fcking outlier! Yeah, you could, if you had the skillset we have, you'd be a 10 times over multi-millionaire too, but you're not. So let us fucking live in our world, you live in your world, alright? I do this for a fcking living!

Yeah. I do that! We're fcking outliers! If you're whining and crying about this, get fucked, alright? Two bears racing, motherfucker! We're coming at you! Rubbin's out, liar! If you're whining and crying about this, get fucked, alright? Two bears racing, motherfucker! We're coming at you! Rubin's racing, bitch! See you later.

Bird time, time and bird. One goes top and swat the other, wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and birds the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean. Here's what we call, two bears one cave. No scripts to bed, a booze, amateur, patology. Dirty jokes, ronchy humor, no apologies. Here's what we call, two bears one cave.

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