2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 125 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: March 21, 2022

On this week's episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer discuss Bert's experience watching Tyler Perry's "A Madea Homecoming," Britney Spears' insane Instagram posts, W. Kamau Bell's new docuseries "We Need to Talk About Cosby," and David Spade's episode of 2 Bears. Bert tells the story of going to a strip club in Austin with his crew the night before, and Tom and Bert talk about "Yo! MTV Raps." This leads them to wonder why Method Man and Redman haven't started a podcast. They wrap up by FaceTiming Russell Peters to see if he could put the Bears in contact with them.    https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/bertyboytour https://store.ymhstudios.com/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Can I tell you what I hate, but I also do? You know I'm a hypocrite, right? I am. I am the worst. I am the worst. And everything you say about me online, you're accurate. You're accurate. I am.

I am that guy. Any opinion I have, tear me down for it because I believe the other thing you believe also. 100% Hey guys, welcome back to The Lawyer and His Defendant. Yep. My name's Bert. I'm the defendant this is tom he's my lawyer i'm legal counsel and he will be representing me in this case of tom what law did i break today i'm guessing it's a dui because i'm partying fuckers public drunkenness hey if you want to drink along with me let let's see if you can keep up, okay? I'm going to see how fucked up I can get today.

What are you going to go for? I'm going to really put an edge on it. I've got to quit drinking next week, so. Why next week? Just powerful. Sorry? I'm reclaiming my power. Oh, you are?

Yep, I'm reclaiming my power. Okay. I watched a real drug addict be powerless to themselves. Where'd you watch it? At a party with Oliver Stone. Was that at your house? Whatever. No?

I could have really used you there. How come? I fucked it up bad. Ollie? Oh, so bad. Wait, was it at your house? It was. Let's get me more buzz before we talk about this.

Okay. It was let's get me more buzz before we talk about this okay. I'd like to get as drunk as I was then as I Shit showed myself in front of everyone to Oliver Stone. What'd you do? Have a drink Spoke my first cigarette like 20 years. Yeah Fucking awesome. They're good for you. I can't believe I can't I'm smoking. I'm like I'm in ninth grade again Fucking awesome. They're good for you.

I can't believe I can't. I'm smoking like I'm in ninth grade again. Do you remember the first time you smoked a cigarette? Well, I couldn't do it correctly for a while. Me? Just then I couldn't. But your lungs, it takes a little bit for your lungs to get there, right? You got to grow up. Yeah.

Did you want one? You're my lawyer. I'll just drink. Yeah. I like looking nice. Do you remember where you were Remind me to tell you about Watching Madea with a black family

Do you remember where you were Motherfucker why can't I get the sentence out Do you remember where you were When you had your first cigarette No Not really When you inhaled for the first time well i mean i kept doing it incorrectly and then i remember when i started smoking for real like i was like oh i'm gonna do this it was in la i was 25 wait what how we hang

on whoa whoa whoa whoa back it up yeah you sound like the greek girl that was like i'm a virgin but i let him fuck me in the ass i know well here's what happened i had tried to smoke like in high school college you know people friends love their cigarette but let me try it i would be like i just call i can't do this and then i got a i was so depressed where I needed some type of job. And I got a job as a messenger in L.A. where they give you, hey, drop these letters off, these documents. Pick them up in Santa Monica, drop them off in Burbank at 4. You just drive all day.

And the money was so, so terrible. But I was just like you just drive all day and the money was so so terrible but I was just like what am I doing you know what did you weigh at the time you're in good shape oh this is skinny Tom yeah this is probably had a hair jawline Tom yeah and probably starting to go downhill though like and I'm in that and and you're driving but you're driving and you're not driving fun driving you're driving in traffic and then you just walk in and be like here's these documents and then they'd be like you made eight dollars you know it was so depressing and i started smoking really yeah it was just like became like a it's the greatest thing when you i had a runner job like that and

smoking was the funnest thing in the world. I remember low level of bird's life coming out of a building and seeing that little cigarette thing and seeing a half one and then lighting it back up and finishing someone's cigarette. It's before coronavirus. It's before coronavirus. When we were all Christians and we were just fighting the commies. You would smoke other people's cigarettes?

You're nasty, dude. especially if they had lipstick on them it's like you're making out it's like i was making out with a whore a whore a whore that's pretty hot huh yeah what what what term what do you like slut or whore better i love slut i think slut's the coolest word. I like slut. Slut comes out so quick. Slut, like, you can use affectionately. Like, wait, you walk up to a bunch of Girl Scouts. What's up, sluts? Yeah.

Are we, what is it called? Leanne's a Girl Scout manager. Whatever. Yeah. Hey, first time I smoked a cigarette. She manages those little sluts. They're going to get so upset. Yeah. yeah yeah she is uh what do they call it boo thing she booths you you like to whisper in like uh are you a little slut you like me do that i like no i like i like calling people slut yeah i love the word cunt and you know you're not people are really get offended by that word i've heard i've heard this yeah it's

so fucking crazy it's just like I say cunt a lot. It's just a word. Just a word. N-word, right? Well, I mean. Just a word. What's the problem? Because you're always telling me, you're always like, look, man.

Oh, no! You're like, there's black people? You're like, there's two different kinds. You know, do you see Kamau Bell's documentary on Bill Cosby? W. Kamau Bell? Yeah, W. Kamau Bell. I'm sorry, Kamau, yeah. I have not seen it, no.

It's fucking really good. It's really good. I've heard this from multiple sources. It's really fucking good. We need to talk about Cosby. That's what it's called, right? Yeah, we need to talk about Cosby. Yeah.

And it's fucking good, man. And he's getting a lot of hate on it because I guess, you know, I guess. Where can you see it? On Showtime. Kamau's an interesting fucking dude, man. He's a really bright guy. It was funny. He was born a meathead's body.

You know what I mean? He's a fucking big dude. He's a big dude. He doesn't have to be smart. He could have just been a dude. Why did you fucking read Kamau? Yeah, no, he's a big dude. Yeah, but what's interesting is

it's a fucking fascinating documentary they talk about they talk about hannibal a little bit oh right because like that's what first kind of got things on people's radar i've never talked to him just the fact have you ever talked to him yeah i did Yeah, I did, yeah, a while ago. And he talked about, in his act and, like, on stage, he would talk about people then, you know, giving him shit about it too. Yeah, well, I guess in the culture, it's like snitches get stitches. Yeah. And it is complicated, and I have to say this, and W. Kamau, I'm just going to call him Kamau, just so that I'm not being disrespectful,

but Kamau points this out, is that Bill Cosby did so much for black people. Are you laughing? Did I say something horrible, Nadav? No, you're good. Okay. Just let me know if I say something horrible. I'm pretty fucking lit today. But he did so much for the advancement of black people in hollywood he really did and he

didn't ask for any accolades he didn't bring it up he the one big one they talk about this is fucking crazy stuntmen before bill cosby were just white dudes painted black not not not brown black they just covered him in black like fucking paint. And they're like, you'll do. Just jump off that train. And Bill Cosby's like, how about we hire a black dude for this? And they're like, mmm, I don't know. We're more comfortable painting white people black. And Bill Cosby

changed that. He changed that. So it is complicated because I'll tell you, man, I fucking Cosby show was a big deal for me. Cosby show? Yeah, it was huge. I wanted my dad to be like Bill Cosby show was a big deal for me. Cosby show? Yeah, it was huge. I wanted my dad to be like Bill Cosby.

Like, for real. Like, I thought he was like the coolest dad in the world. It was great. The show is, it's a phenomenal sitcom. Such a fantastic show. Yeah. And then Jerry Seinfeld says. You know that he would watch rehearsal? So, like, on sitcoms, you know, there's, you have you have like your table read days and then you would

and then you have the um like the shoot day they run the the scenes right yeah and everybody you know you still have like maybe your your script i don't know you're saying your lines and they're blocking it out and then the director's like, drop that line, let's do this. Cosby would stand with the director and watch them do the scene. And then he would be calculating how to play the scene, and he wouldn't be in it. He wouldn't be rehearsing with them. So he was also fresher on those takes

and dropping lines and stuff that he thought was funny you know it it uh it's pretty undeniable what he did when you watch this you're like you're like what's so funny is that the media didn't cover it quite as honestly as this doc covers it. The first chick, maybe one of the first chicks he assaulted, comes on. She's so crystal clear about what happened to her that no one in the history of the world could ever watch that and not go, oh, yeah, she was sexually assaulted. No one. And the media kind of gave it like the media played both sides of it in a weird way.

Really? I remember when it started coming out, there were people saying, I want to say like, I don't, I say allegedly, but like, I want to say Whoopi Goldberg defended Bill Gospe. Well, everybody. It was like, hold on. These are accusations. And like, what's insane to me is you know obviously and it's like where is whoopi goldberg when that happens to other people because this was pretty crystal clear i don't mean

to show whoopi goldberg i like whoopi goldberg a lot i like her a lot yeah yeah uh he was a prolific rapist i mean uh his numbers are like. Yeah. It's like astronomical. Yeah. And he was like. Was he not. Did he not have sex if they weren't drugged? I don't think so. I think that's the thing is like people always said, you know, why if you're famous and wealthy.

60 women accused him. Right. And what they say in the document, 60 that accused him, you know, there's at least 120. Of course. But I'm saying people always talk about if he's famous and wealthy, he could have sex with all kinds of women. And it's true, but the thing is... I'm no Bill Cosby and there's a bunch of eights out there

that would fuck me. Yeah, but here's the thing. He doesn't want that. What he enjoyed was drugging and raping. That's what he liked. So that's why he did that. not just be like oh hey i'm a celebrity it's so fucked up yeah it's pretty fucked up do you think if he had never do you think if he had never gone anti-black meaning like when he started coming out against black culture like lecturing there's that famous what are you naming these pound cake yeah yeah pound cake speech right

and he's like you know yeah he's like my do you think if he had never done that then hannibal never would have had a problem with him yeah well he and if hannibal hadn't spoke up nothing would have come up this maybe we don't know that. No, we can pretty much certainly say. Oh, yeah. 100%. There's no way. If Hannibal hadn't brought this up, it would have been swept under the rug. He already had a deal over at NBC to do another sitcom.

He had a deal at NBC to do another sitcom. But we don't know. What I'm saying is do we know that? Oh, pound cake space. God damn it. Am I having strokes? It's like I think i think faster than i talk so what does he say do it in bill cosby speech go ahead tom

but these people the ones up here in the balcony fought so hard i think i'm turning into not bill cosby yeah they're not stealing coca-cola yeah okay that's what he said people are getting shot in the back of the head over a piece of pound cake no one should know we all run in our outrage the cops shouldn't have shot him what the hell was he doing with the pound cake in his hand i wanted a piece of pound cake just as bad as anybody else and i looked at it and i had no money and something called parenting said if you get caught with it you're going to embarrass your mother no you're going to get your butt kicked no you're going to embarrass your family um yeah but i remember there was a thing but the the hannibal thing where he was like he was like i hate these uh like these older black guys who were like oh pull your pants up like

because i think you know cosby made some yeah yeah yeah yeah but i don't know what's interesting is that had his son never been murdered, I don't think Bill Cosby would have. It's interesting the sliding door effect that if his son had never been murdered by some fucking, well, I don't even know what color the person that killed his son was. I think it might have been a gangbanger. I'm guessing only because it was the early 90s, and that seemed like Ennis was his name.

Yeah, Ennis Cosbyby sad that his son that's really horrific the murder of ennis cosby wasn't he wasn't he murdered by a russian guy am i wrong no yeah i mean that could be yeah oh ukrainian born mikhail i wouldn't say that you Mikhail. That's what it says. You can't say that. Sorry. He's a white guy. Oh, he was high to rob him. Shit. Guys in prison. So wait, it had nothing to do with Ennis Cosby. Ennis Cosby is killed by a ukrainian yeah why the fuck didn't his pound cake speech how weird would that be now what to give that speech also gave an anti-ukrainian speech well i guess we can't write about that all right anyway uh it's good doc it's a good doc it's a good doc and and uh w camille i'm just gonna say fucking come out camille does a great job just does a great job and i apologize come out you can call me

brink crystals all you want the uh it does a great job it really is a fantastic documentary and and he i don't think he planned on being in the documentary meaning voicing in it, but his involvement really brought it to life, I thought. Yeah. Because maybe also I know him, and I know his brain. I know how his brain thinks. So it was kind of nice to have his voice in there. Yeah. Is it a multi-part series?

Four episodes. Oh, it's four episodes, okay. Yeah. Do you watch Tam and Pommy? Tam and Pommy? Someone's going to fucking call me out on this episode and go burt you gotta stop drinking you're not talking right uh they do that every episode but um pam and tommy i have not seen that

no i'm watching the what am i watching the anna the anna thing on uh on netflix what's it called inventing anna yeah i mean the number one trending show on netflix uh okay which is medea no it's inventing no it's medea I don't know. What's it called? Inventing Anna? Yeah. You mean the number one trending show on Netflix? Okay. Which is Madea. No, it's Inventing Anna. No, it's Madea.

Go to Netflix right now. The number one trending show on Netflix is Madea. Okay. Tyler Perry is a goddamn genius. Well, yeah. Tyler Perry. We need to follow Tyler Perry's lead. And do what he did?

100%. Yeah. Can I tell you the brilliance of this fucking movie? Yeah, tell me. We need to follow Tyler Perry's lead. And do what he did? A hundred percent. Yeah. Can I tell you the brilliance of this fucking movie? Yeah, tell me. First and foremost, he gets a bunch of very talented actors to go in. And by the way, I apologize, Tyler, if I'm whittling down the brilliance of what you do into what me and him think. But like very, very talented actors to go into a scene and fuck around, have fun. I think they have a script.

They kind of play around with the script a little bit and they just bust balls and have fun. It's so good. And he has great characters that are the archetypes of like, like uncle Joe is, uh, is, is, is Archie bunker, right? Oh shit. My dad's calling me. Hold on. Hey, I went to, uh, I went to this night. It

was fucking amazing. I know. I got a bunch of texts from you. Okay. Yeah. I'm doing a two bears with Tom right now. Oh, I'm sorry. I'll talk to you later. Love you. Bye. Where did I say I love you? And he didn't say I love you back. I thought about that. Yeah. I say I love you and he doesn't say I love you back. I thought about that, yeah. I love you. He's like, cool. But what Tyler Perry's done is he has created,

it's almost like a sitcom in a movie. Like you know the characters, you love the characters. I only saw it. I saw my first Medea. Have you ever seen a Medea movie? I've seen bits and pieces. I have not seen the whole thing.'s number three right is that a new thing it's brand new brand new Madea

I think comes out of the closet I just want to point out that Inventing Anna isn't in front of it what is Madea at right now three and what's the name of it Madea Homecoming yeah it's a new one and by the way is this what you watched I watched it it's awesome

it's awesome but I want watched it. It's awesome. It's awesome. But I want to preface it. It's awesome. Yeah. It's not going to sound right. Okay. This is why they love you, Bert. It's Uncle Joe is fucking hilarious.

Uncle Joe is a character? Uncle Joe is Madea. Well, he's Tyler Perry. Okay. And the character is racist, sexist, homophobic. Amazing. So he's Todd Perry. Okay. And the character's racist, sexist, homophobic. Amazing. So he's just fucking,

I mean, like it's the things that you're not supposed to say. Is that Uncle Joe right there? Yeah, Uncle Joe's in a Black Lives Matters. He goes to fucking dinner. They go to Red Lobster, right?

Red Lobster. And one of the fucking, one of the cousins is, first of all, Uncle Joe hits on his grandniece. He hits on her and he's like, I wouldn't mind hitting that shit. And they're like, we're kin. And he's like, I don't care.

Blood doesn't matter. Like, is it fucking Uncle Joe? Says everything. It's a great character. It's a great character. And what Tyler Perry does in this movie is he, and I haven't seen the whole movie. I passed out on the plane. I tried to watch the rest of it.

What he does is he sets up great plot devices where you don't know where it's going. You don't know. He sets it up where you go they're gay and then halfway through you're like are they gay or is the dad gay? Or but Uncle Joe is fucking hilarious

and so is Madea. I enjoyed it. Now I got a preface. I saw the movie with a large black family. So I think that might have influenced it. How did you watch this with a black family? So David Lucas, we were in Macon, Georgia. We were in Georgia.

We were in Macon, Georgia. And David Lucas was working with us that weekend and he said, my family's in Macon. We'd love to cook you guys lunch. And so we go to his mom's house. By the way, I don't want to tell David Lucas' story, but it's so fucking fascinating. Mom's got a great fucking house.

All the family lives together, like big, almost like a compound. It's really fucking badass. It really is fucking badass. So when he says, you coming to my mom's house, we came. His uncle was there. His auntie was there. Everyone was there. Everyone was there.

The kids were there. It was fucking awesome. And you just went like midday? Midday. Midday had some trout and some redfish and deep fried, cheese grits, cold beers, tequila. Nice. On average, it takes about 30 days for a person to break their New Year's resolutions.

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my group was hanging by themselves they weren't we weren't mingling and i said let's go in like let's mingle i feel like we're not we're talking about comedy or whatever the fuck we talk about so we go into the living room and they're like, you guys are leaving. And we're like, no, we came in to hang out. And then we're like,

Oh, okay, we'll sit down. Let's watch Medea, which my guy say this as honest. It's just, it's like something I'd never watched in a million fucking years. Yeah.

Never in a million years where I ever watched a Medea movie ever. It's just not on my radar of what I like. I like, and then, you know, I like like movies based around hip hop and stuff. I don't, it's movie ever it's just not on my radar of what i like i like and you know i like like movies based around hip-hop and stuff i don't it's not it's just media it seems like a church thing it seems like uh yeah like it just doesn't it doesn't seem like on my radar of comedy we start watching it and to to experience this with a large black family is fascinating and i said this to them i said this to them but it's like so uncle joe's best friend catches on fire in the beginning spoiler alert he catches on fire in the beginning of the movie and medea god you just ruined it medea people medea uh goes to get

him a glass of water and then changes it and gets him a cup of water. It's a little joke. But someone in the back is like, oh, she's getting a cup of water. Right? Like they point out the joke, which made you enjoy the joke a lot more. So they start laughing. Then she goes to grab the hose. Someone goes, oh, the hose ain't even working.

And it's like, this is making me. Just commentary the whole time. Yeah, it's commentary. It's commentary. I've been to black movie theaters. It was so enjoyable that by the time that the two gay dudes sit down with Uncle Joe, we're all fucking howling laughing. It made the experience so much better.

It was almost like they were like putting spice on everything to make it better. And by the time the meal came, you're like, fucking salt this motherfucker. Oh, you gay motherfucker. Like it was, we were crying. We were crying. That's what Uncle Joe, I'm doing an impression of Uncle Joe. Am I getting canceled? And my point is, one of my favorite experiences I've ever had.

One of my favorite experiences I've ever had. One of my favorite experiences I've ever had that I could not. It was so much fucking fun. And now, I got to be honest with you, I want to watch Madea movies. Yeah. Because I slept on something that is good. It's the same shit I talk about with that fucking Luke Bryant concert. Yeah. Sleep on something that's good and you do it out of like this like i don't know i

don't think i'd get it and then you why not look at that business model he's built where he's in atlanta what does he make what's uh what's uh how tyler perry make a movie for i'm gonna guess i'm gonna guess five million dollars seven i'm at ten million dollars i bet he makes ten million dollar movies yeah let's see 5.5 six million how much was home well they're they're they're going up also as he's gotten much more yeah but but i bet the fucking good one was diary diary 20 million right now is what he's making them for yeah i'm telling you man he's getting paid i i'm putting this out there if someone could get us to Tyler Williams, Tyler Perry. God damn it, man.

What the fuck's wrong with me? I'm not speaking at all today. It's great. Tyler Perry. I would love to take a meeting with Tyler. I'll fly to Atlanta to take a meeting with Tyler Perry and talk about his business model. Yeah. Because it's fucking, all I could think, Tommy, was in watching that is how much fun we would

have making a movie like Tyler Perry oh yeah that's like it's very it's very uh it's very simple uh meaning um locations yeah very simple very like uh I I actually think I know exactly where he shoots it in just outside Atlanta Atlanta he has his own studios there yeah yeah I think I. I know exactly where he shoots it. It used to be Army hangars. It used to be a base. Yeah. It's out in Peachtree City, right? I forget.

I was there once. See where his studios are. It's a brilliant business model. He's a fucking fascinating dude. Yeah. He's fucking... And you know when you do your own thing like that, it's like we say fucked up things on this podcast i think our it's i know it's in atlanta but it's it's not it's outside atlanta um we say fucked up

this is the beauty of what it is so like we say fucked up all right i say fucked up things on this podcast all the time and people that watch the podcast get it right yeah and if you don't watch the podcast you take it out of context, then you're kind of a little bit of a snitch. You're like, oh, look what these guys said. And that's the beauty about Tyler Perry's movies is like you could take things out of context and be like, look at what he's saying. Sure.

But his character saying it, it's meant for comedy's purpose, and it was fucking great. And his fan base is never going to do that. No, no, no, no. God, man, it was fucking great and his fan base is never gonna do that that's no no no god man it was so cool and it was cool to see them at trending at number one on netflix they were number one this that's cool yeah look at this look at studio a lot that's pretty cool i did a movie it's would you do movie if you had to wear full fucking makeup? Like full prosthetics and stuff?

I mean, it depends on the part and the... Can I tell you all I thought about when I watched this movie? Being Santa Claus? No, I really fucked up. Oh, what? I should have played Igor in my movie. Oh, really? I haven't thought about that.

I should have fucking put on a put on prosthetics like a fucking forehead or something and i should have played the train i should have played train igor it's not the name of igor because it's too confusing there's too many fucking igors in this movie yeah but uh um i fucked i i literally watched out and i went god damn it man fuck i should have fucking played how fun would that have been if you saw me come out and i was like bitches i would have done a horrible job and i'm sure i would have gotten in trouble for appropriation have you seen britney spears's instagram yeah we might have to cancel dinner tonight. I'm pretty fucking lit. There we go. Dude, speaking of... Okay, we'll do this first.

What's the matter? No, no. No, speaking of what? No, it doesn't look good, man. That one on the right there? Yeah. It's like, it's all in the eyes, man. You can tell something is really off with somebody

when you look in their eyes, you know? And like people who are mentally ill have a look in their eyes that you can't really, you can't really duplicate yourself. Do you think she's mentally ill? I mean, she looks great, by the way. Just to be fair, she looks fantastic. Okay.

Do you think she is mentally ill? Yeah. I don't mean like this is a i mean it's somebody who has something some issue that they need help with i just realized i just realized something when you said that i see these and i go she looks beautiful so sure why not put these up but the truth truth is. Look at her eyes, man. The truth is. Look at her eyes. Does that look like, you know what I mean? Like just like regular healthy kind of look in someone's eyes? I don't, to me it doesn't.

The thing is, is I look at those naked pictures and I. You jack off. No, no, no. I saw them and I went, she looks great well you know her body looks great or whatever yeah but i don't see the fact that someone took those her husband i'm guessing or her fiancee took them and then her eyes and then posted them they didn't wake up the next morning and be like what the fuck did i do like i've taken how many times have you taken naked pictures of me a few yeah and then and then i wake up the next morning i'm like hey let's not you know

obviously i was fucked up let's not do that right and then you posted them anyway to facebook and then they got taken down thank god yeah i still have a i have a bunch good um i love britney i love britney she is such a fucking but it's like right now is like such the judge for that conservatorship trial has to be like i just feel like this is somebody who at some point will get the help they need and look at this time in their life in these photos and be like, yeah, I really needed some help back then. That's how it reads to me. Her fucking fiance is gorgeous. You seen this guy? No, who's that?

He's fucking gorgeous. Sam Saragati or something. This guy? Oh, okay. Asagari. Asagari. Look at this fucking jawline and this nose. This fucking.

Oh, yeah. His body's gorgeous. Jesus. He's Iranian. What is he? Is he a celebrity or like a. No, I don't think he does anything. I think he's an actor maybe.

He's an actor. Either that or he plays football. He's fucking jacked. He's jacked. He's gorgeous. American. Okay. So they got engaged.

Tehran, Iran. He's 6'2". He... They got engaged. That's why they ended up going down to the beach. They got engaged. She bought him a fucking... Hey, go to his Instagram.

Hey, do you know this watch that she got? They got. She bought him a fucking... Go to his Instagram. Do you know this watch that she bought him? He bought himself now that he's a conservator. Let's see. You know it's a good watch when you're wearing gloves to put it on. What's this watch? Oh, this is... Oh, my God.

Hey, Jamie Lynn Spears, you got to be fucking kicking yourself in your country ass right now going how did we lose this conservatorship your boys buying watches on the reg that's got to be what 215 000 it's yeah those are so hard usually you have to get you have to be in line you have their wait listed you know you know sometimes you have to get your father or someone's father off their conservatorship to get one i mean what the fuck dude like this like i mean seriously it's like here's the deal right so you guys get a hold of my money what does this guy do though he's an actor he's gorgeous he's an actor he's good we already pointed out you've pointed out that he's gorgeous a number of times he's fucking gorgeous oh it's okay hacks hbo but okay

he's an actor all right see what he i don't think what he understands is this is negatively influencing his career. He doesn't understand that. It's posting a picture of you getting a watch, right? Now, clearly he didn't buy that watch. Brittany bought that watch for him. Well. There's no way he can afford it. Look, I make more money than this guy.

I can't afford that fucking watch. I love when you're like this. Yeah, but this is ridiculous. This is fucking ridiculous. But here's the thing. So you, okay, hold on. So you're in love, right? You're in love.

Okay. Let's just say you're in love. Let's just say I'm in love. Okay, hold on. I'm in love, right? You're in love. Okay. Let's just say you're in love. Let's just say I'm in love. Okay, hold on. I'm in love. The girl you're in love with is worth, type in Brittany's net worth. Give me a number. I thought it would be more.

Okay. The girl you're in love with is worth $60 million. Okay. Right? And you guys are having a hard time getting Uber Eats because you're not in control of the money. You can't go on vacation the way you guys want to because you're not in control of the money.

Right? Right. You can't get a car. I mean, just drive around car. You want a nice one because you can afford it. You have $60 million, but you can't get that. Right? She does.

She does. But you're just like, hey, we should have a second car. She's like, well, let's get a Yukon Denali. And the conservatorship says, no, you can get a Ford Explorer. And you're like, well, hold on. We were looking at them. We want the Yukon Denali. And they're like, you can get the Ford Explorer.

And you're like, right. So you talk to her and you say, I think this conservatorship is fucking bullshit. We should get rid of it. Let's go to court. Let's rally public opinion. You do that. You win your money back as The boyfriend that's in love with the girl worth 60 million Do you then do a video of you receiving a two hundred and fifteen thousand dollar watch? I

Don't think you do. Yeah, that's that's the part. That's a little gross about it We're like you're like we got a breeze and I bought this fucking aqua not it's like It's a little gross about it. You're like, we got Uber Eats, and I bought this fucking Aquanaut. It's like, to me. And then also, do you film her naked on a beach? Well, you're underestimating how much I'm in love with it right now. Okay. Pitch it back to me. I'm super in love.

It's Britney Spears. Pitch it back to me, and I'll tell you what a hypocrite I am. Okay. Okay, go ahead. So you're having a tough time buying lunch. Okay, all right. I'm fucking livid right now. Okay.

Hold on. I'm livid. I'm fucking through the roof. If I got to go through Britney Spears' dad to get fucking lunch? Yeah. Keep it going. By the way, Sam, I'm on your side on this one. Keep going.

And they give you a gas card, but they don't let you get a car. And you can buy snacks and stuff. And they give you a gas card, but they don't let you get a car. And you can buy snacks and stuff. And then. And I got to deal with her dad going like, hey, man. Hey, man. What else did you buy at the Exxon? Did you buy M&M's? Oh, yeah, I bought M&M's.

I was fucking hungry. He's like, whew. That's amazing how quick I can flip-flop on my own opinion. Yeah. Keep going. Keep going. Get me to the point where I get her naked on the beach. He's like, you got six packs of gum?esus christ yeah i'm sorry sam or uh jamie lynn

your daughter's worth 60 million dollars and you're kind of fucking handcuffing us here we like gum so so you then now I'm actually angry right now. I can tell. I'm actually angry. So, now. Because, you know, I feel like this happens with my money. Keep going. Really?

Yeah, with my wife. Are you kidding me? I have no control over our fucking money. How come? Keep going. Keep going. Let's get to a fucking real place on this. So, you go to court.

They rule in your favor. First thing I do is I buy a fucking watch. Bitch, I'm buying a watch, and I'm putting it on Instagram, and I'm letting her dad see. Guess what, motherfucker? We're back, bitches. Yeah, we're back. God damn it, it makes so much sense.

Yeah, now you get it. Okay. That's amazing. That's amazing. You did flip pretty quickly hey guys welcome to our new segment on two bears one cape called full circle with burt chrysler full fucking circle now he is gorgeous what's that he is gorgeous she's really got a thing for like uh middle eastern dudes really yeah check out britney spears's ex-boyfriends they all have dark hair

justin timberlake broke her heart with blonde hair, with blonde tips maybe, and then she said, I'm going fucking ethnic. Look at this. Colin Farrell, dark hair, dark skin. Dane Cook? She dated Dane Cook? Did she? Who's the one in the middle?

That's Kevin Federline. Okay. Well, I mean, you know Dane Cook has a pool swimmer. You seen that? A pool swimmer? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, no, no.

You mentioned it. Fuck. All right, keep going. Keep going. No, no, no. Go back. Go back. Let me see your boyfriends.

Wait. Hold on. Hold on. I want to go to why you don't have any control of your money, you said. Let's get it to a real place. I couldn't even tell you how much money I make, to be honest with you. How do you not know this? I don't know.

I'll be honest with you. Sometimes you'll tell me how much money I make on something, and I'll go, cool. And I'll tell someone else, but then that's the number I stick with for five years. It's like remembering how old your kids are. You know how people go, how old are your kids? You're like, I don't know, four and six. And they're like, they're actually eight and ten. You're like, same, whatever.

But that's a bad example. That's a bad example. But remember when they were like 12 months and six months? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you'd be like, I don't know, 12 and six months. They're like, it's 18 months. You're like, whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. months yeah yeah and then you'd be like i don't know 12 and 6 months you're like it's 18 months you're like yeah yeah and so i don't i'm not aware there's maybe a bad thing to say out loud

to everyone listening i'm not aware of how much money i make on a show i know what my guarantee is right right so i write you know that you know two things you can always do i mean i'm just saying you can always and then you don't have to deal with anybody else Call your agent be like what did I make on this gig? Yeah And you can always call your business manager and be like what came in from various things I'll tell you what I'll tell you what I just started doing this. This is gonna blow you away. Yeah, I just started getting attached to the Breakdown from the weekend from shows like you get a night breakdown they tell you how much money you made i just started getting that i think it's bad i think it's bad yeah i like not knowing

how much money i make so i save more money oh okay and then if you know how much money you make then you all of a sudden you're like then i you know it's funny i i i liked it and leanne kind of keeps it from me a little bit like she kind of like not keeps it from me but like we get at the end of every year i get like a pie graph of like where my money came from yeah how much money i made and when you see that you're like oh that was a good year i think i'm always stuck in travel channel money i think i always think five thousand dollars a week that's my brain things got you five thousand dollars a week was i remember making $5,000 a week on X Show and I was and I thought I did the math wrong. I thought I was a millionaire and I was like

I'm a millionaire and my buddy Eddie was with me. He's like you are he's just like you are let's go to Vegas I was like, let's go to Vegas and So when we talk about strip clubs like the other night and I talk about regret Can you go when you spend $1,000 on strip clubs? Yeah, that's regret i don't ever want to live with but what about what'd you do when you went to the strip club this time uh it was spent money but it was for everyone else it was like it was really actually really nice i ended up talking to the fucking cocktail waitress all night um what happened when i went to the strip club and this is a from a yeah what happened when i went to the strip club last night is i walked in and someone wanted

to take a picture with me i said to the bouncer hey man this has happened we've gone to strip clubs on the road i really enjoy them i think it's growing up in florida you go there girls are topless you're having cocktails you're talking it's fun i talked to leanne literally walking into strip club i was facetiming with leanne So, totally cool. But I said to the bouncer, I said, hey man, just give me your heads up. People are going to want to take pictures with me. I need you to stop that. I can't stop it. I look like a dick if I'm like,

hey man, I'll do pictures. I look like I'm creepy. Hey man, no cameras. I'm in a strip club. I'm full access to everyone so if they want to take pictures, they're going to take pictures. He was super confused. He was like, do you think people are going to want to take pictures with you? And I was like, hold on. I'm full access to everyone so if they want to take pictures they're going to take pictures and he was super confused he was like you think people are going to want to take pictures with you and I was like hold on I'm just saying there's no pictures in this strip club

correct and he was like no they can take pictures and I was like alright I'm going to be taking pictures all fucking night and he was like huh he was a little bit they allow pictures I took pictures all fucking night really?

yeah because the second I go in there, then... I believe that people came up to you. I'm just saying I thought it would be a strange policy. I thought so, too. I've had it happen in strip clubs before. It never makes sense to them when I walk in. I always say, hey, man, just so you know, if someone wants to take a picture of me,

I'm going to send them to you so that you can shut it down because I don't want to shut it down. I want to take a picture with anyone that wants to take a picture with me i also don't mind the first time it ever happened was on burke the conqueror and i had to go outside the strip club and all the strippers put their clothes on and they came out and took pictures and i ruined the night for everyone do you brett brett ernst was with me that night and he was like you fucking suck bro you fucking suck so last night You fucking suck. So last night, or the other night, whatever, last night.

You go with the whole group? Yeah, yeah, yeah, the whole group. We all went. Did anybody get their pee-pee touched? Just lap dances, like regular lap dances. But lap dances, so like lap dances, I won't get a lap dance now because I got one one time and someone videotaped me getting a lap dance and i was like uh i mean and lan's cool lap dances totally cool but i don't want to be

videotaped because out of context it's that fucking snitch video yeah yeah we're like ugh and so then last night there was no there was like i was like i'm not getting lap dance everything's out in the open i'm not i'm not gonna be where everyone can videotape me and people were taking pictures of me in the strip club and so i was like you can't get into a private area where we can hang out and drink and stuff and and so we went back to the back but it still wasn't probably just in the corner as people still take pictures of me and and uh which i'm fine with look look i got nothing to hide with me and leanne but it's the fucking outside opinion of me being at a strip club. I thought that would just be like a universal policy of strip clubs is not to have.

Nope. Not in Texas. Interesting. Texas strip clubs are a little different. They're a little more like a party place. Oh. And so when we were at ****, the people were like, hey, we're going to **** after this. Take the name of the strip club out just so I don't want to get,

because I'd like to go back there. But keep that part in. And so, yeah, so it's. So you went with people that were at the restaurant? Yeah, I went with a huge group. Oh. It's a birthday party. So they told you we're going there.

They were like, we're going here. And I was like, well, we'll go with you. And they knew me. They were the chefs and the servers. It was the people that worked there was having the birthday party there. So we went with them. It was great. It was really great.

She was turning 49 and she was having issues with it. She looked fucking amazing. And you were like. She had a birthday party. And you were like, I'm 49. I was like, I'm 49. You look way better than me. And she was like, there's no way you're 49.

And I was like, that's what I'm talking about. It was like, by the way, to this day, I think strip clubs are one of the cooler things you can do at the end of the night. Like late night. They are very cool. What's Christina's rule about strip clubs with you? I don't, I mean, I don't have like a strip club policy no it's it's not really something that I've last time I was at a strip club it was a I think a bachelor party and it was but some dudes have to call their chick

and green light it um calling green light yeah I don't think I would be like is it okay but I would probably just mention that I had done it or, you know, was going to do it. Yeah. I wouldn't want it to be like super secretive about it. I remember Leanne was at Christina's bachelor party. Oh, yeah. She was like, hey, there's a male dancer here.

Yeah. I want to get a lap dance. Is that okay? And I was like, are we supposed to be greenlighting with each other? Because I'm not really reaching out to you yeah and they all blew him you know that they all had they had a blowjob contest fucking i guess he like painted leanne's dick with his with her face with his dick she was like that was not what i thought it was going to be. I was like, really? She's like, that was aggressive. I was like, yeah, yeah, it's a fucking lap dance.

He's a male hoe. He's got a donkey cock. Yeah. And he's going to use it on your pate. For sure. The, yeah, I don't, Nadav, do you, when was the last time you were at a strip club? I think some point, I think the last time i was at a strip club i

watched a ufc fight so like maybe three years ago four years ago i enjoy them it's like a it's like a fucking it was a thing it was a thing in florida well growing up in florida yeah that was how you spent the end of the night yeah at the end of the night, you went to a strip club. That was the after hours. Also, I remember experiencing only those for the first times and then going to a strip club in North Carolina when I was in college. And I was like, oh, my God. I guess the B team lives here. Like, it is a dramatic difference.

Hardcore. Yeah. to a dramatic difference hardcore yeah tampa florida strip clubs are high end yeah and it's it it really does it's funny the grooming you get in in florida of how to behave in a strip club is a little different because like we go in last night and we grab a table in the corner we kind of hang out have drinks and the girls come by and you're i mean i'm always like no no we're good we're good we're good but like that's not how everyone behaves a lot of the i think in florida maybe they get paid more because like like i i definitely like i don't mind giving girls money to hang out with us and sit with us i don't need a fucking lap dance i don't i'm not there to fucking i'm there to hang out and party you know that that's part of the way florida was with us i don't need a lap dance i don't i'm not there to i'm there to hang out and party you know that that's part of the way florida was yeah but i don't know

well whatever right now there's people going i'm going to strip club right now i'm going to go to a strip club right now yeah do you get conversation going with them are you like hey what do you how's school going do you talk to them about like what they're up to well i i talked to the the cocktail waitress the whole night she was like i didn't i didn't know who the fuck you were i was like yeah isn't that uh funny when people apologize they go i'm sorry but i didn't know who you were you're like no it's okay yeah they're like nah i mean sorry man i just never heard you you're like you already said it i got it you don't have to say it again and they're like my bad can i tell you what i can i tell you what i i hate but i also do you know i'm a hypocrite right i am i am the worst i'm the worst

and everything you say about me online you're accurate you're accurate i i am i am that guy any opinion i have tear me down for it because i believe the other thing you believe also i'm the worst. I hate when people go, like see you having a moment or like people are taking pictures with you and then some old white woman goes, who are you? Yeah, who are you?

I do that all the time. Yeah. I do it all the time. Yeah. I do it like, for me it's a different thing, but I don't go, who are you?

I'll go like, those are the words you have to use. So who are you? Yeah. Like you say that and I've done it. I do it like you if you're shooting a movie or shooting a tv show and you have cameras around and people are watching and they're like what so what is this right man i did that right outside my neighborhood there was a shooting thing and i was like so what are you guys shooting i i couldn't help myself yeah and i hate when people do it because you

realize it's like it's a very natural instinct. Yeah, yeah. And that's the thing is, at least I'm acknowledging what a broken individual I am. But like, yeah, I do that. If I see a fucking TV set, like movie thing up, I'm always like, what's going on over here? You guys got a permit?

Shooting a porn? Yeah, the other thing is, I've had someone see me getting my picture taken, and then they go, I want one. And then they go, I have no idea who you are. I'm like, what? What are you doing? They're like, I don't know. I saw other people taking a picture.

That's the best one. Yeah, that was happening in the strip club. As soon as the camera comes out in a strip club and you see a flash yeah light and then all of a sudden everyone wanted pictures and so i ended up sitting with the cocktail waitress who got me fucking wasted yeah you said and then you're back on it today yeah she was awesome man she was so cool she really was like she was so cool that i was like if you're trying to drug me and bring me back to your house, you're on the right path.

Because she brought in Heineken. She brought six to me and put them on ice. She was like, I don't want to have to go back and forth. And then sat with me. She goes, it's Tuesday night. Was it Tuesday night? Monday night. She goes, our weekend ended Sunday night.

Like, we're done. We should not have anyone here. She goes, I guess you told people you were coming here. And I was like, I did. I put it on social media. Yeah. Oh yeah. Maybe that was why I was taking pictures all night. How do you not put that together? Yeah, I did put it. I walked out shirtless. I walked shirtless and then said, we're going God damn it. Fucking cut those out. I'm... Suddenly we're a part of this.

But we... Can I tell you what's crazy? Tell me. Rogan was sitting in the same seat I was sitting in 10 minutes before I got there. Yeah. Is that bizarre? Somewhat.

I mean, it's a popular restaurant, and he loves it. I'm sure everybody who lives here probably loves it. That's really good. How often do you go out to eat? How to eat how often or you know right now we're on the road fucking no no no no no with you and push you and the boys on a regular i'm talking about right now for real or right now for real i mean not that often how often how often do you push and the boys go out to eat? Not often. Really? Yeah. It happens.

Have you taken a family vacation yet? Yeah, we've taken a couple trips. I mean, it's been a while. Can I pitch that I go with you guys? Be a little bit of a rodeo clown? Fat Sticks shows up. Hey, Fat Sticks. Take them in the. Be a little bit of a rodeo clown. Fat Sticks shows up. Hey, Fat Sticks. Take them in the pool for a little while.

Guys, Fat Sticks is here. I would love that. Okay. I would love for me and Leanne to go on vacation with you guys, but we just, here's the deal. We show up, same location we do, and then I kind of like, almost like I'm a ghost, right? It's like, pretend the kids don't know I'm there, and I'm like, hey, what's up, guys? And they like like almost like i'm a ghost right yeah it's like

pretend the kids don't know i'm there and i'm like hey what's up guys and they're like like oh fat sticks and i go yeah what do you guys you guys want to go get some ice cream and they're like my dad's right there i was like don't tell him let's go get ice cream they would 100 ditch us for your eyes what if they what if i was like the santa claus of vacations where they didn't know if i was real or not and like our vacations are amazing you know fat stick shows up I'll be like come on guys don't start making things up yeah and then and do you know what Ellis is doing we have to do that you know what Ellis is doing now what he goes uh he goes you have candy crush on your phone I'm like yeah he goes what level are you on I'm like I don't know I haven't played in a while but I was really good at it so I'm up there he's like I'm sure I'm higher than you

and I go I don't think so and he goes what level can I tell you you're not doing Ellis' voice right yet I'm not? not yet have you guys met Ellis? Ellis has got a stuntman's voice yeah he's got like a raspy voice but he goes

he's a man already at fucking 4 he's a man his at fucking four yeah he's a man and like his his voice is like is like uh shit him out you got a lighter he's got that fucking you know what i mean he's got a smoker's voice like why did you do it you go but it's more like a there's a there's an energy to ellis's voice that is so like danger is around the corner, and I'm looking for it. Yeah. He likes it. He loves it.

He loves anything that's breaking. He loves looking for the best. The energy in his eyes is so fucking bizarre because he... It's like he has big ideas, but he doesn't know what they are yet. It's true. It's an interesting fucking child. He goes, what they are yet? Mm-hmm. It's true. It's true. Interesting fucking child. He goes, what level are you on?

I go, I'm on, I just make, I don't know what level. I haven't played it in like, I go 212. He's like, I'm on 108. So mine's higher. I go, that's not higher. And he goes, I'm on a million. And I'm like, I go, you're lying. He goes, no, I'm not. And I go, show'm on a million. And I'm like, I go, you're lying. He goes, no, I'm not.

And I go, show me. Show me. And he goes, no, I don't want to do it anymore. We should, this is going to sound aggressive. We should take one of Isla's eggs and one of ellis's seeds this is and in 20 years mesh them together to make a child and see what the fuck happens see if we don't get a fucking unibomber out of that that is a highly ethical proposal i'm into it 20 years from now like at the end of our lives we go we're dead in 20 years no no maybe right i'm fucking 42 man 62 yeah yeah yeah so this is how we end our last episode of two bears one cave in 20 years my name

is burke reicher this is tom segura and this is what we give the world and it's just a baby that's like biting on the, biting on the table. This is the Ellis and Isla's child. God damn it. That'd be fun. I was thinking about being a grandfather soon. Oh, yeah. I got time.

Georgia can't have a kid in like 15 years, right? You don't think she's going to have a kid by then? No. What is she? She's probably 18 or something, right? 17. Let's say she gets knocked up freshman year next year. You'll have plenty of time.

I would love that. You would love that? I would love that. That's a weird thing to say. I would love that. I'm going to be dead honest with you. I'd love it. Here's what I'd say.

George, totally cool. Mom and I are going to raise it. You go live your life. We'll never tell them it was your child. We'll say it's our child. You say it's your sister and go live your life. Don't worry about it. I got it. I'd love it. I'd love it. it i'd love it i would love it i would love it you want to you want a baby again oh yeah oh that's right

because you want to spread your seed yeah yeah yeah well i i just i'm not done living life yeah like leanne i feel like leanne is like like well now sun's setting time to get in our graves like that's how leananne feels about life and I would love a baby is so invigorating like you guys I'm jealous of you and push when we hung out with you guys Just how much energy is in your house, and it's crazy because it takes a toll on you guys I watch it take a toll on you guys like I see it on you with your eyes where you're like Sometimes when you don't when a lot of the like I love the razzle dazzle, right? Like I love the energy, but I'm not there all the time. I don't get all the razzle dazzle, but I miss it in my family.

I miss it a ton. That young, that super young. Yeah, because now it's like they come down. It's like you get them. My biggest thing is I used to love getting the girls donuts. I used to love it. love it my favorite thing in the world is go up wake up early you know hungover you don't feel like fucking having panic attacks and you go i'm gonna change this buzz i'm gonna go get donuts and then get donuts get yourself

coffee get leanne like a fucking breakfast sandwich and uh and then the girls come out you go hey i got donuts and then look in their eyes for real and you're like, yeah Yeah, wait guys. I love no I could get anyone. I want I love that now. It's coffees and sucks Oh, they were coffees. Yeah, and do they have special orders? Yeah. Yeah, Georgia wants a iced coffee sweetened she likes sweetened and I like some fucking bullshit drink that fucking it's it's not even like there's no even caffeine in it it's just fucking strawberries and shit it's the dumbest drink ever it's but it's now it's like uh I lay in bed and I'll put in my order and go pick them up it's cool I don't know I know. I just, watching you guys live your life right now is so cool.

I wish I lived here because I would love to be around it more. No, I wish you were around more. It would be great. I know. I wish I was around more too. At my casket, on my casket, here's what I want. I want regular casket down the sides, right? Regular top.

Then I want a bump where my belly should be. Okay. You top, then I want a bump where my belly should be. Okay. You got it. I'm sure I'll have to fight for that one. Who do you think my casket bearers are going to be? Like your pallbearers? That's it. You.

I hope so. You better speak at my fucking funeral. I will speak at your funeral. Are you going to cry? I'm sure I'll cry. Okay. Yeah. I'll try not to,

and I'll say something real snarky, and then I'll just like look out at, I don't know. God damn it. I wish I could see that. Kids, and I'll be like. I wish I could see that. What would you say in, what will I say in Tom's eulogy? Because I'll probably be at your funeral.

Two bears racing was a mistake. That's okay, Ellis. Such a bad idea. You look at Julian, you're like, you still like cars? There's your dad wrapped around that pole what uh i do think i'm gonna you're gonna die before me thanks man i think that a lot you think about that a lot a lot i think about that a lot because i know that i'm gonna have to deal with everyone going it should have been you i know that there's no way that i'm gonna be at your funeral and anyone's going to look at me going,

yeah, I'm glad you're here. Fuck. No, I'd be really sad at your funeral. Here's the deal. At your funeral. Yeah. When you die, I will continue to do two bearers, one cave, and I'll give your boys all your money.

I actually had this thought. Is this a deal? Yeah,. I actually had this thought. Is this a deal? Yeah, because I actually thought about this. Like, I thought maybe you would die this year. Okay. Me too. I actually thought, I was like, man, what would I do? And one of the first few thoughts, I was like,

I'll keep doing the podcast to pay the they like to pay the kids yeah it was so good with you and david spade that was good it was a really good episode i fucking hate that was that good i do because i but i'm such a david spade fan yeah he's great i'm such a david spade fan yeah and uh and i watched it now i i was like i like i don't like let's just so we're all very clear i don't like not being on the show. Like it bothers me. It bothers me because I want to be on the show. I like this.

This is my favorite thing in the world to do. And then when it was David Spade, you know he texted me like before. He was like, hey man, I was doing Two Bears, One Cave and you didn't tell me he was doing it. So I heard it from David Spade and I was like, motherfucker. He was great. He was great.

He was great. But if you're telling me that I can get David Spade or David Spade adjacent. Yeah. I'm dead. I'm dead, by the way. I'm dead. I'm dead. Okay.

And you're telling me you'll keep doing Two Bears, One Cave. Yes. And then the same money I get from Two Bears, One Cave. Will go to your family. Goes to my kids. No, not my family. Your kids. My kids. Yeah. Oh, fuck it. Leanne can fend for herself. Okay? Yeah. She's set up Yeah, let her marry some gray fox who reads books. Yeah, good luck woman But those kids yeah, George on out of they won't want the money at first

Would it bum you out if she married like a former Olympic swimmer won't happen? Would it bum you out if she married a former Olympic swimmer? Won't happen. Let me tell you something. That lady leveled up with me. No, listen. Here's the deal. We talked about this last night.

She dated a guy. I'm trying to think of the right way to say this. This is how I say it. I back into it, right? Yeah. I was a loser when leon met me yeah that was her thing i think it was like not the best guy in the room yeah the guy that had big dreams yeah but not a lot of follow-through the guy that had a lot of stories that maybe had some shady areas in it we were like for real did that happen then she met me her her type her

type right her type boom i am a penny stock that turned into a fucking fortune 500 company and she i don't think she i i she will tell you she saw it with me she was like i saw i knew you're gonna be successful no did i did you know because i was with you in the car i didn't know obviously i i knew i didn't think you'd be successful, let alone did I think I'd be successful. Right? Fuck off. Fuck off with the whole I knew it. Okay. Sure. Like, did I know her tits would get bigger

after kids? I didn't know that. But they did. And I love them. And it's part of the reason I'm still fucking here are those tits. Her tits are so awesome. Really? Her tits are perfect. I mean, perfect. And I wish I could have her in a strip club because she, like, I fucking love Leanne's tits.

Oh, wow. That's beautiful, man. It's amazing how I don't know where we started, but I know where we ended up. Yep. And I also feel like this is a good time to end it all. No, no, no, no. We have other stuff to talk about. Real quick.

Real quick. Okay. Josh Potter, talk about. Real quick, real quick. Josh Potter, Mugshash Hadi, MC Hammer. Do you ever think about how much of a gangster MC Hammer is? I'd heard these stories before, and I got down this rabbit hole this weekend again. From the picture of Tupac? Was it the picture of Tupac? There was a picture circulating of MC Hammer, Tupac, Shugman.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Big Psych, yeah, yeah. Big Psych in that? Let me see Big Psych. Where's Big Psych? Forget which picture. It's the one bottom left. Yeah.

Yeah, that one there. Where's Big Psych? Right there in the far left left that's big psych yeah right oh shut the fuck up man i i gotta be honest with you man yeah i love big psych i didn't know who he was he was just like a he would just do freestyles on tupac's this might have been what prompted the uh because i'd heard stories about hammer before yeah and i love hearing them because they're like hammer will kick your fucking ass yeah and he and and he will get someone to do it too and he won't really have to do much to make it happen like his crew from oakland is like a real

like it's a it's a tight crew he runs with like street dudes and he is the guy who you know it was like kind of like pop rap in a way it was like a families were buying the cds and stuff people were like oh hammer's hammer's a sweetheart or whatever and maybe he i mean you know i'm sure he is a genuinely nice guy but they're like you don't want to fuck with this guy. And then there's stories about like, he got shit on by MC Search in a song. I remember that. I remember that. Third base.

Third base. And put out a bounty on him. Like 50 grand someone will whip his ass, right? And then Redman told that story about, he was like, fuck Hammer and fuck your mama. And that he ran into hammer on the last day of your mtv raps when everybody showed up to and hammer was like hey red come here like he goes you know i'm a i'm a fan you're doing you're young you do it don't no one talks about my mama and he

was like okay yes sir like he was like okay have you seen that last day of mtv raps and not in a while can you i know we can't play this but can you play and last day of mtv raps and not in a while can you i know we can't play this but can you play and last day of mtv raps uh method man method man yeah not not mtv rapes oh i thought that said method man does a freestyle on the last day of mtv raps that's fucking legit well everybody showed up that day i remember it was crazy uh go to youtube last yeah yeah yeah yeah go to youtube there you go there you go method man which won the penguin jersey hit the that's pinterest go to youtube

i know but i want to hear it you want to hear it i want to hear it real quick i like being inspired sometimes yeah yeah okay anyway there are countless hammer yeah that's it method man live performance that are worth doing a dive on if you dude i'll tell you what can we hey hey uh don't start yet what if we did a like a page if we did a patreon could we listen to music on patreon um What if we did our live shows, but on Patreon? So we do these two shows when we're here, and then we do a late night drunk one

where you just listen to music and talk shit, where you have to pay for it because we talk bad about people. I don't know. Maybe we could do something like that. Let me hear Method Man. Am I not turned on in my headset? Maybe.

I'm not. There I am. There I am. All right. This is fucking awesome. I remember seeing this when I was a Maybe. I'm not. There I am. There I am. All right. This is fucking awesome. I remember seeing this when I was a kid. Let's see.

I don't remember this. What if it's as good as I remember? Okay. Look, it was just a wild freestyle on the last episode. Oh, this is it.

This is it, right? Yeah. I don't think so. No. On the last episode. Oh, this is it. This is it, right? No? I don't think so, no. I mean, this is a song. Is this what you're talking about? No, it's not. He does a freestyle on the last night. But I'll tell you what.

Think about how... Type in freestyle after his name. Think about how different that is for that piano in hip hop. Dong, dong, dong. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it.

That's it. That's right. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it.

That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it.

That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it.

That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it.

That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. Thank you. This father shot him Watch this Here we go. Hit me with the 30-30 rifle. Beats from the streets, mega trifle. Rap gymnastic. Flippin' from the cradle to the casket.

Take another pull, fantastic. It's the method, not the plastic. Man, comin' down like I was glass sand. Check the tactic. Flow PLO. Now you know the ultimate and rhyme legit. And beat the counterfeit and all these snakes bitten. Filled up with deadly venom.

Johnny Blaze, get up in him. Plug him out like Gleam Denim. Can you dig it? Can a brother eat? Can a liver get some deeper? Man, I don't know if, I gotta be honest with you. Be real. Yeah. Are you as good of a comedian as Method Man is a rapper? That's a good question. That specific comparison?

I think Method Man's... I know he's better than me. At rapping than you are at comedy? I think... What if you're Method Man, I'm Red Man. Okay. Who do you think is better, Red Man or Method Man? I think Method Man.

Well, I think Red Man has better freestyles. I think Method Man is just so much more distinct. Like, I think if you go to your show, right? Mm-hmm. I'm Red Man, you're Method Man. I can't believe this. I am a more fun show, like more crazy, shirts off,

maybe a little crowd work, fucking my wife calls, I answer it, right? Your show's better than mine, but my show's more fun, right? Redman's more fun, Method Man's better than red man uh i don't know that that's a i mean i appreciate everything you're saying and it's very like you're method man i'm red man okay holy shit you're method man i'm red man what i'm saying

is that red man does everything like lyrically like a savant met the some of the best metaphors thank you i thank you yeah no thank you i'm very talented but it's undersold it's undersold dude i'm red man you're method man okay it's undersold in the fact that like that red man red man's personality was bigger than his his rap like his yo mtv cribs that's the fun was like was the. And then I think most people know Redman from that and forget he's a great fucking rapper. Well, everybody who is hardcore hip hop. Sometimes he takes his shirt off

and they forget how fucking talented he is. That's true. He's very talented. Those dudes are jacked now. Have you seen them now? Now they're like over 50. You mean Clifford and Reggie? Yes. Clifford and Reggie? Yes.

Clifford and Reggie. Cliff and Reg. I love that those are their fucking regular names. They're both like workout maniacs now. Like they both are into like, I saw a video of Method Man pulling 500. Method Man's jacked. Yeah.

Yeah. All right. Ready for this yeah dude that dude's in his 50s man let's do this is a hard pitch to a soft audience okay

you do an episode with Redman I do an episode with Method Man on Two Bears I would love to do that and then they have them do one by themselves and there's it by the way their podcast would be so much bigger wait why the fuck method man red man what the fuck are you guys doing guys do a fucking podcast two bears one cave do two bears two caves we'll help you figure it out yeah do black bears one cave two black two black bears one cave yeah two black bears one cave yeah there's just a bunch of

weed in there god man do you know do you know but i mean that is the thing that the thing that we got you know is like two friends who enjoy their company it's it's it's it's it's yeah they're like great friends spade and farty man it's like i by the way i didn't listen to the whole spade episode i don't know if you guys called me farty and like that i was dying soon but like okay i'll just check it so um but like it's it's watching two friends really hang out yeah and and you feel like you know those guys and they know each other so well they can say things are not comfortable saying to other people dude red red man and method man need a fucking podcast absolutely they should have one absolutely dude and and i know for a fact god damn damn it, man. I wish I knew.

Do you know how to get a hold of Method Man? Do I know how to get a hold of him? I have Ghostface's number. FaceTime him. No. FaceTime him. FaceTime him. FaceTime him.

Of all the guys. Ghostface Killer. Of all the guys. FaceTime him. FaceTime him. In that clan. time uh that's the last guy you want to get that wrong i might have i'm out of the rizzos i would rather facetime rizza than and i think i have the rizzos number it's rza yeah no it's so funny riz it comes up and it's andrew schultz yeah uh i don't have riz's let's fuck i

gotta learn how to make fucking tortillas i feel like ghost is gonna be like call facetime ghost give me i don't know give me his number i'll face someone from my phone fuck no please please no please please please please call somebody else uh how, let's think. How can we get a hold of Method Man's number? Snoop. You have Snoop's number. Yeah. Oh, I got a new phone, though. He's not going to answer it.

I got a new phone. Where's your old phone? My burner's in the bus. And by the way, if you still want to call me, I can answer every now and then. I'm broken. Okay, ready? We're going on Twitter. What are you saying?

Who has Method Man's number? Yep, this is six degrees of let's get this done. Hey, what's the Wi-Fi here? I can probably get his number. Stop, stop, stop, stop. Hold on. We're not ending this. No, we're not doxing anyone.

We're not wrapping this up until we get a hold of we're not doxing anyone we're not wrapping this up until we get a hold of method man hold on give me a second this can happen this can happen okay i'll tell you who to call who call russell peters did you say call? I need to FaceTime. I don't call. I FaceTime. Okay.

Oh, I turned my Wi-Fi off. I'm sure I should be on. I'm sure I have the login. We need to, by the way, hold on. Can I stop everyone from thinking I'm a fucking lunatic? Okay. We are offering Method Man a brand new line of business. Him and Redman should be doing a podcast.

It would be so enjoyable to watch them every week. Just fucking tap in, hang out. Yeah. It would be so fucking great. But, all right, Russell Peters. Here we go, FaceTime. Clean up my bugs. Hey, what do you think about this hat i thought you like it i like it yeah

where'd you get it uh minor league team that's one of their logos oh well unshaved russell peters is sexy hey i'm with tommy hey man hey congratulations yeah when uh when'd you guys tie the knot? When was that? Oh, then nada. Hey buddy. Hey, we're doing two bears,

one cave. So yeah, yeah. So here's our deal, right? So we're talking about method man and red man, right? And I'm saying that I'm red man,

Tom's method man. And all of a sudden we had the brilliant idea. Why aren't they doing a podcast? And so we would like to reach out to Method Man and or Red Man and tell them, pitch them on a podcast. Do you have anyone's contact where we can get in touch with them? Well, Raekwon was at my wedding. I could probably get met through Raekwon, but Lord Finesse lives with me, and he's friends with Redman.

So, I mean, yes. Can you wake him up real quick? You know, I would love to do that. Hey, sorry, Russ. Sorry. You know whose idea this is, right? I got big ideas, Russell. You know what?

I feel like this is Christina's idea. Thank you, thank you. Alright, well, if you can start this ball rolling, we would like to get them to start a podcast. We think it would be really enjoyable, and we think it could help out. Well, let's see what we can do. I will plant that seed for you all right thank you

russell god i miss these days one day they'll be teenagers and they won't care about you he's hanging on to me like a monkey oh my god all right brother thank you miss you brother um thanks bertha and chamaso well i'm around if you need me thanks buddy all right we will bye what a great guy he is he's great especially if you need to get in touch with a black guy he's really really great all right let's do one more shot of tequila and wrap this up let's go we got a lot of work to do yeah we got to do reads right right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's go. All right. In summation, Redman, Method Man. I would love to watch that podcast.

I'll tell you what. First episode, you can do it here. We'll share fans. I'm telling you, everyone wants to hear you guys. I'm fucking hammered. Okay. Thanks for watching and listening. We'll see you guys soon telling you everyone wants to hear you guys I'm fucking hammered Thanks for watching and listening We'll see you guys soon Love you Bert

Love you too There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave. No scripts, a bit of booze, amateur protology. Dirty jokes, raunchy humor, no apologies. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.