2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 126 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: March 28, 2022

For tickets to Bert's Cinco De Mayo show with Mark Normand and Metalachi at the Greek Theatre, go to https://bertbertbert.com/bertyboytour. Get yours today! Welcome back to another episode of 2 Bears 1 Cave with Bert Kreischer and Tom Segura! The bears start off the show talking about being bullies and being bullied in school. Who do you think was a bigger bully, Tom or Bert? Then they review shows and specials they’ve recently seen, like Dave Chappelle’s Home Team: Earthquake’s “Legendary”, Anthony Jeselnik’s “Fire in the Maternity Ward”, Ali Wong’s “Don Wong”, and Bert’s favorite: “A Made Homecoming”. Bert talks about his unfortunate introductions to Oliver Stone, Joe Rogan, Tom Cruise, and bro have you seen the hot chicks on @mugshawtys’ Instagram?! See you next week on 2 Bears 1 Cave! https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://www.bertbertbert.com/bertyboytourhttps://store.ymhstudios.com/

The birdie boy real apps tour is coming to Los Angeles, this Syncode Mio come celebrate with me, Mark Norman, and the best metal Mariachi cover band you have ever seen, Metalachi. For the Netflix is a joke festival, this Syncode Mio, at the Greek, I will see you there. Arrriva. Ah! I don't think he's wrong a lot. Meaning, you know, I don't think you're wrong about him being not wrong about I'm fucking burping up from the bottom of my balance How often do you think Tom Cruise has diarrhea which my bar?

We should buy a bar 100% I Had the hottest date last night I went to this sushi place here in town. Yeah, yeah, and Man as bitch had a little like little chest tightest little ass you've ever seen really beautiful face Gorgeous eyes so funny. I went on a date last night. Teach you. I mean, if sex personified was my date. Really? You know blue eyes. Yes. Did you hook up? I jerked off at the end of the night? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I got like I got so full I was like this

You know what's funny is that I I called the brakes on food and I realized that If I hadn't said something you just keep going I would just kept you because I was like hey, man Is it cool if we slowed down now? And you're like, oh yeah. Yeah. Oh my God. It's one where they bring out two pieces of sushi at a time. So you don't know your full. Yeah, it's like, it's almost like,

who can't just have another piece of sushi? Right, and they always have another piece of sushi. And there's like a little, there's a little beat between each time they bring it out. So you're eating, you're like, oh, you know, you're talking, you have a drink, and it's like, hey, oh yeah, here's another two pieces. I only had two beers, but I had a big thing of socky.

Yeah. And you also were pouring your socky into your beer. Yeah, I was doing socky bombs by myself. I don't know, I kind of like the taste of it. It tastes good. You were also pounding those. I also went home and died my beard last night. Last earthquake special.

Wait a minute. Finish Medea. You died your beard last night. I did, I died right here. What do you use? I adjust for men. I have a gray patch right here that makes it look like I don't have hair there

Yeah, and it drives me fucking nuts here, and so I died just that little patch right there But I was looks good. No thanks. It's it's it's very subtle I also have a gray patch on my hair that I die you do. Yeah, it's it's weird You know so funny. I felt bad. There was this kid in high school had a just like a gray Spot on the front of his head. No, it's so funny. I felt bad there was this kid in high school who had just like a gray spot on the front of his head. No, it's like Leno used to. I felt bad for him and now I got that. I got why didn't they do something for him then?

There's nothing they could do. I don't think, I don't think Jay Leno was the kind of guy that like, not I mean Leno, I mean the kid that you're in school. Oh. Oh. Jesus. I get a lot of problems.

Really? He was the first kid I ever saw that pulled his shirt. I'll choose fat Like you're like this. Oh, I was like I was like I would notice those and I was like that I'm a suck. I never pull my shirt out now. I pull my shirt all the time and I have a great patch I'm turning into this kid that I used to fucking not like in high school. Wait, why did you not like I'm turning into this fucking kid You didn't like him though. I didn't like him. Did you guys feel like shoe polish? Oh. Did you guys bully him?

No. I never really bullied anybody. I'm sure I did. I'm sure I did. I'm sure I did. Cause here's what I've learned about me. Whenever I say, the opposite's actually true. Oh, that's a good thing to know about yourself. Yeah. What a wonderful quality.

But I'm just trying to get to come to terms with it. Yeah. I don just trying to get this come to terms with it. Yeah. I don't think I, I went to two small of schools. Like the, there wasn't, I'm sure there was bullying in the All Boy's Catholic High School. Oh my God. But it was more like just, I got bullied more than I bullied. Like there were dudes that fucked me up.

Really? I remember we were watching the band freshman year this band was playing and I didn't know anyone was slam dancing and this dude maybe like 280 a fucking lineman for the football team Just senior just fucking Leveled me leveled me and I was on the ground. I got up my friends are like that was not cool. I was like, yeah I was like I think I have a concussion. Yeah, yeah. But that was boy, all boys have a high school. You just fought.

Like I remember getting a couple fights. So I don't know if it was bullying, but. Yeah, that's not necessarily. Unless you're getting like jumped, you know. There were kids that were softer that probably don't look fondly back at like, just how quick things moved. And you know, there's those one kid that's,

that was, that sat next to me all through high school. Yeah, also with the same last name same letter. So we sat next to each other all from Freshman year to senior year sat next to this kid every fucking day every day at Apple one damn new M&L and My he's taking high shots of my roommate. Yeah. And he's like, he's like, oh, I'm from Tampa. My buddy's like, oh, I'm from my roommates from Tampa. And he's like, no way. He's like, where'd you room make it to school? And he's like, judge it. And he was like, oh, my god. And then there on I was what I walked out of the room and they walked in my rooms. We saw him. And I was like,

hey, what's up? And you could see in his eyes. He is out of the closet. And he was terrified to say it to me because of the mentality we had in high school. In high school. And he was like, he just went, I'm gay. And I was like, awesome. I don't know what fuck, I didn't say I can give a fuck. Yeah. And then it turned out I knew the dude he was dating.

Really? Yeah, I knew that I had taken acting lessons with the dude he was dating. Back at Tampa? In no in LA. I'm out. Yeah, and he was dating. Really? Yeah, I knew that I had taken acting lessons with the dude he was dating. Back at Tampa? In Noon LA. I'm out. Yeah, and he was an actor. But it was crazy that you could tell, that's happened twice to me. My little brother and my fraternity was gay. I was attracted a lot of gay men, I guess. But I think I was, I think, and I don't know if this is right. I was more sensitive than the average. I'm a very sensitive person. So I think and I don't know if this is right. I was more sensitive than the average. I'm a very sensitive person. So I think maybe I was like this one kid

was my little brother in the attorney. He was a virgin. And I remember everyone was like, you gotta get a fuck pussy. You gotta fuck pussy. I was like, I remember telling him, I'm excited.

I'm horrible first experience getting laid. I was like, don't do it if you're not ready. And I was like, wait till you find someone. It's totally cool to wait. And he was like, for real? And I was like, yeah. And then if you're not ready. And I was like, wait till you find someone. It's totally cool to wait. And he was like, for real? And I was like, yeah. And then ended up being his big brother. And then I'm in New York about, like, 42nd.

What's that? There's the, I'm on the Carthor Park. And I see him. And I'm like, hey. And he's like, like he saw a ghost. And I was like, what's up? He's like, nothing. How are you? And I was like, what's up? He's like, nothing. How are you?

And I was like, good, good. And then all of a sudden I start doing the math and he's kind of sand in the back pocket of a Puerto Rican dude. And I was like, oh! And he was like, yes. And I was like, awesome, man. I said, so did you ever lose your virginity?

And he was like, I did. Yeah, yeah. A different way. And I was like, oh, cool man. But I think that's gotta be terrifying to go and live your truth. And then all of a sudden, you see someone from your past.

And all of a sudden, you've gotta, I don't know. There's got, I remember in high school, the two things that I remember was one kid who had like a very, what you would describe as like a stereotypically gay personality, like the voice, the mannerisms, everything is like almost undeniably gay, right? I didn't think much of it other than this guy's gay. Yeah.

And I knew his sibling, right? He had another sibling and she, and I were classmates and she goes, can I tell you something? another sibling and she and I were classmates and she goes, can I tell you something? I'm like, oh yeah. And I'd never had this conversation with her. She goes, I was on my brother's computer last night and we found gay porn.

And I was like, yeah. She was like, do you think he's gay? And I was like, I could tell that she was like, not ready for it and I was like, I mean, not necessarily. You know, people look at things. Curiosity. Yeah, it's very curious.

I mean, everything about him seems pretty gay and now there's gay porn, but like, I wouldn't. I mean, if I was a detective, I'd say yes. But like, if I was a housewife in the Midwest, if I had a live experience, I'd probably say maybe not. It was like maybe not. And she was like, so it could be just curious. I'm like, absolutely, it could be very curious

about Dicks and stuff. The two of my little brothers and my fraternity were gay. Yeah. Both of my little brothers and my fraternity were gay. Not. Both my little brothers and my fraternity were gay. I'm not crazy. Yeah. And they picked me. Is that, is that mean that I'm progressive? That even when they were young and in the closet, they're like birds to say a place.

They felt safe with you, yeah. Yeah. You know, there's another kid who was in high school who other guys had said that at, you know a lot of times we would go out on Friday night Saturday night and you would just end up crashing somewhere in high school right because party getting everybody gets fucked up and all these guys were like had a story about this dude who they were like yeah I woke up and he had his hand in my pants and like hand on my leg and like he was playing with my dick and then I was like, what? And everyone had the story and I hung out with him all the time

and I was like, he never does that to me. And they're like, oh, no, he doesn't like me. I'm going to bed, I'm taking my belts off, just so you know, I'm gonna be sleeping on my back. Everybody had the story about him. There was one dude, there was one dude, a black dude, who's bigger than everyone, like larger human being.

Like, I don't know how big Tyler the creator is, but Tyler the creator seems like a large dude. He does? Yeah, to me. I don't think he seems like a big dude. He seems like a big dude. He's six four or something. What?

Tyler the creator's gotta be six four. Really? I think so. He's five six. Are you serious? That's hilarious. That's not the right person. There's nobody's last name's Steincamp.

Oh, that's true. Six, six, one. Yeah. Yeah, he seems like a big dude. But that like, actually the guy reminds me of Tyler the creator. He was very charismatic, but he was larger than him. He was probably 6.1 in high school, and he would rough house, but his rough house always turned into touching you.

He was very fond of me. I remember we were at the beach and he'd be like, yeah, and he was very fond of me. And like, and I remember we were at the beach and he'd be like, oh, there he is. Come here and he'd start wrestling. And I was like, okay, ow, all right. And he's like big and strong. Bigger than me and I'm like, okay, someone help me. Tap out, I would like someone else to do this with you.

Hahaha. Imagine like someone like that decides like, no, no, you're who I want. Hahaha. I wouldn't have been able to say no to that guy. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, I would, yeah. It's crazy how rapable I must be. Is that a bad thing to say?

But like, you ever think how vulnerable you are? How rapable I must be. Like you could definitely, I probably get winded pretty quick. Like, I mean, we're talking like, like if kind of McGregor wanted to have sex with you, he could. Right? Right? We both know a guy who was in jail and he walked into the library and saw five guys raping

a guy. What? Yeah. Who is this guy? Hold on. Rapping a guy what yeah, who is this guy hold on and and he He said that he sees and he was like you know, and they're they haven't pinned down Hold on and then they ask him like it's like your birth They go you want a piece of this and he was like he gets wet like no, I'm good

Oh, it's just raped someone like five minutes ago. Yeah. I'm so sorry, I wish I had known. And he said the whole time he was like, fuck. And at one point, the guy that was pinned down was like pleading because they're taking turns, you know? Um. No, it's it's brutal.

Oh my god. Yeah, I would say then. This is a dark conversation. I know. Then he, he, when he, he's pleading with like the fourth one, he's like, come on, man, please, they go, uh, yo, man yo man we're being we're being nice uh we use Loub like if you're a white boy we would just go without it you know so that's the thing is we would get no Loub even oh that doesn't even think about that. Yeah, the loobless administration. Rice. Five guys.

And it's in a library, like a heat library, you know? As the part that you're like, I've never gone to a library. You think I, while I was having to go and shh, be quiet. Shhh, I know. And then he's like, I told you. Do we decimal system? Is that in the library? Yeah, oh Man that fucking well, you know talking about I think I do now. I only know one guy that's been to prison

You know, I know a guy that's been to prison. Well, he actually is a few people. We know so I'll just tell you who this but believe it I know We know so I'll just tell you who this but believe it. Yeah No Maybe it was jail If you're young and you listen to this just do not drink and drive don't go to jail Don't go to jail. Just do everything you can do not go to jail It sounds like it's if you had to go to jail in one foreign country No, but like you have to you get to pick your foreign country. Oh Norway Norway, right? Yeah, Norway. I bet Sweden's got a nice jail. Yeah, I'd go there We've got to be better one than that better than that. Yeah, I don't know

What's the best Jail in America? Or in the United States, in the world? Look at number one. Norway, God damn it. Oh New Zealand. New Zealand's got a good Jail. North Carolina? That's a, that's like a federal, like, you know,

lightweight jail. That's where Bernie made off, ended up, where like, you know, it's like, Hey, let's go fucking throw the ball around. It's not violent offenders. Type in Chinese prisoners, Finland. Chinese, honestly, what a Chinese prisoner looks like. I bet they're fucking terrifying.

I'm thinking about his blood sport. Fucking, you don't wanna be in jail there, do you? No, everyone's got shaved heads. And they're like, what are you in for? I shared a thought. Yeah, that's right, they go to jail. Fucking earthquake specialist, so fucking funny. He's so funny.

He's got the funniest fucking line. He's got the funniest fucking line that I could not find. I got, I'm gonna watch it tonight. He's somebody who I geeked out. He was hanging out backstage at one of those Chappelle Rogan Arena Day, and I was sitting across the room. It was like one of those big green rooms that like a bunch of people were in.

And I was at my agent, Andrew was there. And I was like, dude, it's earthquake. And he was like, I know. I was like, we got it. We both got up and went over there and just like kiss the ring. We were like, you're the shit. He is his special delivers. Yeah. It delivers. And by the way, I mean, dude, he's got, I don't want to ruin the lines. I want you to watch it because you're going to get to the line. But like, it's such a good special. You know, he, he like was a reason, I, I got a deal because of him one time.

Really? Yeah, so we were doing a showcase. This guy's always been a killer too, by the way. A monster. Yeah. So we were doing a showcase for ICM and back when I was with ICM and Kathy Griffin's hosting and the lineup is like,

it's like, they're like, where are we gonna put everyone in earthquakes in the bag? I'll go anywhere, I'm gonna fuck. And they're like, well, I'm gonna ruin everybody's night, who's after me. But yeah, whatever you want. So they put earthquake third and, and they had another comic.

I won't say his name, but I'll say it's you. Fourth, another comic, believe this, fifth. And everyone started panicking. Everyone started panicking and no one wanted to go after him. Now, I had done so much stand up in New York that for some reason I felt very confident following black dudes, I felt like our energies were so different, we weren't gonna step on any fucking jokes.

And so I was like, they were like, well everyone's scrambling, earthquake's just in the back. I'll go wherever, put me in, put me in the last, I'll go wherever, put me in first, I'll go wherever, and they were, they put them in third. Everyone starts panicking, people start leaving the laugh factory, they're like, I'm going starts panicking, people start leaving the laugh factory. They're like, I'm going home, I'm not even doing a show tonight.

Like, I'm not even joking, I'm not even joking. And so then I said, I'll go after earthquake. I have those pieces of shit, by the way, who they're like, you know, you're six and they're like, ah, I have to catch a flight. Yeah, and you go, okay. And then they move them up to second and then the show's over and they're hanging out

in the back of the club. What happened to your flight? And they're like, oh, you're right. I gotta go home now. To dude, they go, I tell them, I was like, I'll follow Earthquake. I'll go after Earthquake. In my head, I'm like, what, I mean, the mean the fuck if you bomb it's because you had to follow earthquake

Yeah, and if you do good people be shocked So I my opening joke. I didn't even realize this I thought about it on stage my opening joke was that I don't want to hear my name during sex. I'm on birth less name you hear in the throws passion some check on I be going And I went Call me earthquake and the place went fucking bananas and I had the best fucking set and I got a deal Really deal yeah, it was one of them. It was like a high career highlight was that night Yeah, cuz you went into it without fear. Oh, yeah, cuz I was like I was and as soon as I did that like I murdered for like eight minutes a god off stage.

They rushed me out the back. They like people were, it's the coolest life experience I've ever had is that people were reaching over like trying to burn. I got to script it way to read. Bird, bird. I want to and then they just move me out the back door, put me in a car and set me home. They're like, do not talk to anyone. Do not.

I remember fucking there were like networks that not talk to anyone, do not. I remember fucking, there were like, networks that were like, hang on, hang on, they were running out, networks, heads of network. And I was like, it was the coolest life experience. I got to deal the next morning. That's very cool. Yeah, and it really was because of earthquake, because he had such a great set.

The two people before him, bomb, he basically set you up. He set me up to murder because he murdered, right? And the room was hot when he got off, it was hot. And I just fucking rode his energy. And kind of, I know my setting now wasn't that good, but it was great because it was like after earthquake. So everyone was in a great mood. How often do you think, how many times in his career do you think he's done radio at like a white radio station? Like to stop in and the host has called him a different natural disaster like ladies and gentlemen

tsunami tornado earthquake what a great what a great fucking name. I mean it's you can't his specials so fucking good it is so fucking good. I saw I saw a clip online that was fucking hilarious. He's like God guys out here wearing a mask 18 months straight, ain't seen a dentist in 18 years just chewing on the side of the mouth. That's me. I said he's gonna go, I'm only chewing on the right side of my mouth right now. It's such a good special, man. It's like, I'm on, who else is Chappelle doing? He's got doing Donnell.

Donnell. Donnell's two more. Donnell and then two more. How long are they half hour specials? It's, I think it was 36 minutes. It's a major thing. Maybe I fucking specials would be 36 minutes. I mean, although I gotta be honest with you, I It's, I think it was 36 minutes. Means you think maybe I fucking specials will be 36 minutes.

Oh yeah. I mean, although I gotta be honest with you, I was like, I wanna see more. Like I was bummed in it. But that's why you wanna see more. Yeah. And it's the also the argument for like, when you're doing live shows, dude,

I have, I so believe in this now, even if I don't do it exactly every night, which is if you take a few minutes off your set get it closer to 60 and say good night people go I want more really if you do 70 72 something they might be like that was great. They don't go. I want to see more. It just goes a little past the I'm good point I was a little past the, I'm good point. Last night I was watching earthquake special. All I was doing was realizing my shortcomings as a comic of like, I don't do this enough.

It's good to have those. It's great to watch it. I ended up watching a bunch of specials last night. I just started going like, I haven't seen this. Let me see this. Yeah, yeah, like I went through and watched a couple of them. I finished. Tell me, tell me about some bad ones. Oh, um, bleep their name. Let me, let me, let me, hang on. I'm trying to think because I, I know I watched, I watched one bad one on purpose. Uh, I can't remember

right now. I, but I was with the guys on tour and I was like I want I go I want to show you Because there it's not a bad special in my opinion, but what it is is a few pitfalls They're doing that are not setting themselves up to succeed. Who is it? Please believe this out. You have to He was not It's there's so many things you could just go like, you don't need to say that, you don't need to say that. Like there's, you just, it's someone who did not

watch their material on camera and say, this is what it looks like on camera. Like if you watch yourself on camera, you're like record yourself and watch it back, you will inevitably say, I, unless you're like, real quick, I don't think you watch it back. You will inevitably say I Unless you like work week. I don't think you watch this on camera, but he's so fucking tight. Yeah, like there's no there's no fat Also like 35 years in or nothing you can tell like younger Comics that don't haven't watched it and they go but it kills. I'm good. Yeah, and you're like oh no No, it for tell for when you watch on television. It's gotta be tighter Everything's gotta be tighter. Every you don't you gotta trim all that fat and

There's a little things that I like then there's great ones are really great ones like a fucking Anthony Jasselnik He's great his opening joke is the greatest opening joke I've ever Right right now. He'd be like, well, it's the first smart thing either of you said. Yeah right now, he'd be like, well, it's the first smart thing either of you said. Yeah. Jesselniks, and by the way, like I do everything, I go, what are they wearing? What's the backdrop look like?

Like, Ali Wong's? I loved Ali Wong's special. Great backdrop. I loved her backdrop. I loved who she was wearing. And she came out with a banger. And I loved it. What the material was all like blowjob stuff up front.

I loved that. It made me like, I get excited. Earth the material is all like blow job stuff up front. Yeah, I love that. It made me like I get excited earthquake was fucking amazing. But um, Jesselnik's opening joke is, if you remember that joke, no, it's a great fucking joke. And I'll tell it only because it's, it's especially been out for a long time. He said my, uh, my, my friends wife, uh, approached me and said, I can't let you hang out with them anymore.

He called me a word that I, that you must have called me and he was like, did he call you a bitch? She goes, no. He was, did he call you a cunt? She's like, no, and he goes, oh, what was it mean? He's like, no, he goes,

oh, what was it mean? It's this opening joke. Yeah, that's this opening fucking joke. Well, he's a killer man Yeah, he fucking you know nobody writes more concise jokes in him. I mean, it's really I mean And he's fucking I mean like jet with jessleneck. I couldn't find any and he flaws his hair is perfect Yeah, he looks like he's in shape. He's got great stage presence like this is enough man He's gonna fucking cut this and just start putting it out as a real. Yeah, I mean I like I couldn't sit through the whole thing There you go Gotta get you gotta pull back a little There you go. Gotta get you gotta pull back a little bit. But fucking earthquake and then I followed up with Medea. That Medea makes me laugh so fucking hard man.

You had a real soulful night. I did. Well, earthquake got me in the mood. Earthquake got me in the mood. Yeah. Because there's things he does that is it is very... I texted Leon, I was like like you have to watch earthquake special You're gonna fucking love it do I the line he has the line he has killed me kills me kills me Don't tell me it kills me. I was just five times. I kept going So fucking good and then I was like I need a line like that

I need a lot like that's what I want to watch special I go like I was watching definitely just next I go open with a banger right open with a bang Blubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblubblub He took you into his world. Mm-hmm. That's the key to stand up, though. Yeah. The key to stand up for all stand-ups is, if you can, try to bring the out, and that's why you can follow anybody, but you gotta not make it really about them, you know? There was a kid that I had to follow one time

that I could not get, I couldn't get myself out of his world. Yeah. His world was so good that even when I was on stage after him and I was like, I'm still thinking about his act. It was so good. He was, I would say, all comic, but he's like, I mean, I don't know the right way to say it, but like a comic book guy, you know? And his act was just was fucking amazing. Let me ask you something, because I know you've done Dar before. Yeah. If you've gotten into that room, they were taking to that room that's like a private room at the end of the hall.

No, dude. They bring me into this room a couple of weeks ago at Dar, and they go, oh, you wanted to see it, right? And I'm like, I think so. What is it? And they're like, you know, it's the private reception room. And I'm like, yeah, sure. And they go, yeah, it's only been presidents, first ladies, heads of state. And I was like, really?

So I go, yeah, take me into the room. And so it's just like very old room, like the decor and everything. And they have a blue rug on the floor. And they go, do you wanna see the rug that we cover for 52 weeks of the year or 51 weeks of the year? And I'm like, sure.

And they pull back this rug. And it's an Edward Fields rug is underneath it who I guess designs the rug for the Oval Office that's the room this room right here oh my god and up in there and they're like oh you're sitting where like the Dalai Lama sat when he was here and I was like really and then they go don't don't tell Eddie Murphy please that, that you were in here. And I'm like, I was gonna tell him at lunch Tuesday. And they're like, I go, wait, why?

And they're like, because he wanted to be in here. And we told him no, because he had like his whole group with him. And they told me the story of why he, how he wore that red leather outfit and delirious. We mean the story. So he gets to DC a few days before and sends one of his guys out to this shop, a leather place in DC and tells him to buy every color leather outfit they have. No he's like there was a medium. Yeah, he's like he's like he's like dude

There was like eight of these purple black white blue red like all of them Oh my god, and then he put them all on and did camera tests with them and walked around out here and just picked the record. He liked the way it looked, but we couldn't let him in because he wanted to have this room be his hangout room. They were like, fuck no, we can't have somebody in the, especially with the whole crew because you have like 10, 15 guys with him. Which also, it still blows my mind, even though it's blown my mind before,

that Eddie Murphy did that special at 21 years old. I don't even, I came and I really wrapped my head around. I'm trying to, I've actually been thinking about that a lot because 21, 21. Here's the thing is that it's not just so funny, it's that if you watch that special and you just watch how Confident like how in control he is It's like maybe a confidence that you have maybe you have it now after all these years and you're like even though

He started young he was like 15 when he started to stand up. That's still he's only six years in when he films that yeah It's it's really like when he started his stand-up, that's still, he's only six years in when he films that. Yeah. It's really like, I guess it really is like a prodigy for... Yeah, he's different. I think he's different. And, because I was trying to think about what he have developed, if he had stayed with stand-up, what he have developed, and like,

because there's some guys that have heat when they're young, because there's something sexy about them when they're young. But then they don't grow. Right. And you're like, but like, would he have grown? Like, that's 21 right there. He's 21. Yeah.

That's crazy. That's, I mean, I was thinking, who was I talking to about this with the other day? I was like, there's all the black comics have become superstars. There's not many white comics that became superstars. Like, Kevin Hart, Eddie Murphy, Cat Williams, Chris Rock, like, Chappelle, Chappelle, they're like this. I don't, we don't think we have any like white superstars. Super stars.

You know, like, like, there's, there's, in the history of making movies, has there ever been anyone like Kevin Hart? Maybe Jim Carrey had, had, had, had, yeah. Oh, yeah, Jim Carrey. Jim Carrey was a superstar. He's a superstar in, in Kami. Will Ferrell's a Kami superstar. Yeah, but he wouldn't stand up. No, you're right, he wouldn't stand up. No,

you're right. He was a standup. I was thinking straight standup and Jim Carrey stand up wasn't I mean it was it was more impressions. Yeah, wait, he did it to kind of launch. Yeah. Jamie Foxx. Jamie Foxx fucking funny. He's so talented. Do you hear the his story about discovering Ed Sheeran? I heard him say that he had that, he showed up at this church or like. It was like a hip hop thing. Some showcase, everyone was doing hip hop,

and then Ed Sheeran came up with a ukulele. Yeah. But Jamie Foxx is interesting, dude, because he's always been the the farm league for like talent. Yeah. Like he discovered, like he discovered people, but like I don't think he makes money off them but he discovered them.

And he's got a studio in his house. Yeah. And he does not age at all. Yeah, anyhow. How old is Jamie Foxx? He's got to be 56, right? He's definitely in his 50s or 50s. 54.

Yeah. He's got a great story about Kanye hitting him up for, uh, He's got a great story about Kanye hitting him up for, uh, was that song? I need a little of wreath. Uh, let you know that. Oh, yeah. Yeah. He did that in his studio in his house. Yeah. That's pretty great. How he didn't, um, how he was singing it. And then Kanye was like, don't do that. She brings me money. That's a different one. Yeah. Oh, is that not? that a Jamie Foxx? That is. I'm saying it's a different song.

But yeah, he said that he was just following his lead. I don't know what this dude's talking about. And then left. And then to shoot a movie and then came back and the song was number one. And he was like, oh, wait, Jamie Foxx, what's his rise? Like tell me, how do you, what's, like how did you, Jamie Foxx was doing, was a standup.

Yeah. And I think really broke when he did in living color and booty call. Booty call, I remember who he was doing those. Didn't he like have a TV, Eric Marlon, yeah, he did his own show. That's his name. Yeah.

He had the Jamie Foxx show. That's true. That was, that was just after though. See, that's his name yeah he had the Jamie Fox show that's true that was that was just after though see that's what you need you need to like that's why he's such a good actor I'm sure it's natural but like when you have a sitcom like that for five years six years that yeah I mean it's a big show but you get to fucking practice every day and take reps and take reps and take reps and take reps have you ever seen him play piano? He's across the board.

Yeah. He would be a let's look at our in like the 1940s. You know what I mean? Because he was the guy that could do like seeing dance, act. Dude, him and Django and Tane. Yeah. That's great. Like that movie is fucking awesome. Yeah, I

Could fucking okay? Let's do a fantasy draft ready. You got to put together an all-star cast for a movie All right any movie no I don't know No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. You got your head all the way up it got a fat ass. Yeah That's like a superstar movie. Yeah, like I would like to see I would like to see Well, Django has Jamie Foxx Leonardo DiCaprio That's it. No, no, he's got the snakes all playing guy. Oh, yeah Sam Jackson Jackson. Yeah Stakes on playing yeah, well Tarantino has like fucking legit talent in all his movies. I mean, I never told you about meeting Oliver Stone. You didn't tell me because I saw the picture.

I'm like, what the fuck? Where was it? At my friend's house. It was Chinese New Year's. Right. I was the only one that dressed in authentic Chinese New Year's garb. You really love Chinese New Year. I love it. It fills you with luck. Yeah. I'm the luckiest mother fucker in town. And so I got $2,000 and $22 in fresh ones. I dressed, I bought these. You just walk into a bank for that?

Yeah, no, no, I have to get you, gotta get ordered. I order it way ahead of time. And then I've used to, back in the day, I just get like a got to get ordered. I order it way ahead of time. And then I've used to back in the day, I just get like a thousand fresh ones, but I like to get the amount that is the year. And then I dress in full authentic Chinese New Year's garb, like silk suit, and it's fun, that's shirtless. I'm shirtless at the time.

He looks thrilled. Yeah, he was not. Hahaha. Hi. Hahaha. I'm kidding. He's this fucking psycho. Yeah. Well, I fire-hosed him. I fire-hosed him.

I don't think he saw it. I don't think he studied chants. Yeah. Because yeah, because he walks it. We're sitting there. My friend Sandy hired like this. I should give him credit, because I think there were fans of mine this Chinese like

Dance troupe it's a nonprofit and they bring a dragon they bring drums and the dragon goes through the house and gets all of evil spirits out And then we feed the dragon oranges and and then and then I'm watching this whole thing and just fucking, all of his don't walk by. I wanted to talk to this guy. I wanted to say something to him, my whole career, because he's the reason I'm in this business.

Him exclusively is the reason I'm in this business. It's so funny too, because I kind of, like, as I started telling him this, part of me was like, there's eyes glass over and he was like, well, part of me was like, there's eyes glass over and he was like, well, no, it's like, well, this is what happened. So for anyone less thing, I'm sure you already know the story, but like in 1997, that article was written about me and Rolling Stone. There's a dude who, uh, who took it out and tried to help sell the article. We actually ended with an agent.

I had the same agent as the writer did. And he took it and Oliver Stone's company optioned the rights to this story, to that article to be more specific. And that gave me the confidence to get an end to stand up. Like Oliver Stone's right to my life. That was like, all of a sudden, the right stuff in my life. That was like the, all of a sudden, you're like, well, the fuck, I might as well try a standup, you know? So I tried a standup and then it went well

and then I moved to New York. And I could, I had this like, I had this like confidence of like, I, this guy, his company, obviously, the right stuff in my life. Like, I'm moving forward. I'm moving, this is going to be a big thing. This will, it's like a momentum.

And then I got to stand up and then we'll Smith discovered me and then the option fell apart, right? But whatever. I wanted to, I wanted to tell him, you know, without you, I don't know if I'd ever be here. So I met him for one time. I was a good morning America. Have I told you this?

No, thanks. And so we're, we're in the elevator. I'm doing something for travel channel. We're in the elevator and they're like, can we hold the elevator? We're going downstairs. I'm doing like a cooking segment with Michael Simon and Mark Sanchez.

They're like, can we hold for a second? And I go and they're like, yeah, they're like, all of our stones are gonna come in the elevator. So here's my chance. I'm gonna say Mr. Stone, my name's Bert Christchur. In 1997, your company opportunity, I used to my life, it came in the company to stand up And I want to thank you because it wasn't for you and your company leaving me. I wouldn't be here today. That's what I want to say He comes in the elevator and

I Accent my hand ago. I was filming his Berk Chrysher and his assistant goes Perth the conqueror holy shit my, my kids, fucking love you! And it's his, like PR publicity. And she's like, oh my god, all over this guy, and then we're going down, we're going down. This guy's so funny. He's, he does podcast, you podcast too, right?

And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I do podcasts. And oh my god, all over this guy is hilarious. And he's, the door's open, he was, well, I'm about to check you out. And he just walked out, right? And I was like, okay, no harm, no foul. I got my chance, plan never seen me again. Yeah.

See him walk in the Chinese New Year party. And I'm like, I put my friend, friend Sandy aside. And I was like, hey, I don't, I'll know. You know, I wouldn't ask. I need you to introduce me to Alpastone. She's like, okay, now everyone's trying to be Alpastone. He's in the back, he's, he's with his wife and like everyone. The sandy friends of them.

So interestingly enough, our best friends, Tom and Sandy, are Tom's mom, all of her option of the rights to Tom's mom's life, I made the movie when heaven and earth changed places. That's our friend Tom Hayeslip, that's his mom. His mom's story. It is. I mean, intense. I know this woman very well. I like, I know her very well.

Her story is intense. I mean, the things that I remember, you, you met her before. I have? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We did a podcast with her one time. What? Yeah. And she was at my house and she came in and remember saying, what was the worst thing you remember out of the Vietnam war and she said they dropped my brother out of a helicopter into our village. And I was like, what?

By the way, that's not even the worst. I mean, I don't want to go into her story too much because it's pretty intense. And but like, they tied him up to a pole. They put snakes in their outfits. Like they covered her with honey, had an ant's attacker. She, they thought she was Viet Cong.

And then they tortured her. They thought she was on the other side, tortured her. She got tortured by both sides. And then she was like, fuck, I'm going in the States. And she married this guy, who's States. Anyway, that's her story when having her changed places. That's how she'd know Oliver. She's still good friends with Oliver Stone.

This is who's mom, Tom's mom. Sandy is Tom's wife. So I said, Sandy, you gotta introduce me to Oliver Stone. She was like, all right. So they bring me out. What I don't realize is, I should have just, I should have never said anything. I should have just said,

because they're like, Oliver, this is Berk-Kreischer, he's a very successful standup comedian. I should have left it at that. I didn't need to tell them in my backstory, right? I don't need to do the thank you thing. I should have just said, it's a pleasure to meet you. I said, I finally met the guy that helped me. I didn't need to.

But fuck, I'm drunk, I'm shirtless. I don't even realize I'm shirtless. He, I have a stack of, I have 2001's in my hand. And he's like, it's just a lot coming at him. Yeah. And then I was, I said, Mr. Stone, my name is Berk Khrysher, I did the whole spiel. And then he goes, who, who optioned it?

And I was like, oh, fuck it now. Like, it's 20, I've been years ago. So then I pivot. I'm like, one time I met you at a good morning America, and I tell them a good morning America story, and now I'm confusing him. He was like, okay, do you work for Good Morning America? And I was like, mother, I was like, I'm talking too much.

I'm talking too much. And I, he's like, are you on air talent for the morning wearer?, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, What am I doing? It was spiraling out of control. It spiraled out of control so bad that I had Leanne's going like this. Stop, stop. And I just go, I just wanna thank you. Thank you very much. And I walk away and he was like, who option the rights to his life? Like, it's just like, who the fuck did that?

Like, it did not go well. So, I'm never gonna fucking, it's like the first time, I feel like that when I met Joe for the first time. I just fucking put my foot in my mouth every time I, like I was like, I was like, I went to his door and I was like, Big fan, I knew you're a dog, I want to play pool, I was so you'd have to raise your tank, I want to get high, and then this is gonna be great. And he was like, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, I was like, fuck. I'm bad at meeting celebrities. You're good at it. Yeah, you said it before. Yeah, I'm so fuck like Brad Pitt.

Yeah, I would have fucked that up. Brad Pitt, I would have fucked that up so bad. I would have fucked that up so bad. Well, you'd be Brad Pitt, I'll be me ready. Okay. Someone introduced me. Okay, first off, I gotta tell you, I've been making jokes that you are the one guy that can pull me in the cause that they make out with me.

Just so you know, so if you hear that, like the fuck why am I why am I start with that? I've Jen Branson for safety you ever see that video. Why am I talking about your ex motherfucker like what the fuck? I am just not I'm not the guy that can be celebrities. I tell you about time I met Tom Cruise Uh, the Magnolia premiere premiere. Uh-uh. Pull the picture of Tom Cruise in Magnolia uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... uh... or something. Yeah. He looks exactly like that, exactly like that. Same hairstyle. I bump into him, turn around on face face, Tom Cruise. And I said, you have beautiful hair. And he's like, and just walked away. Fucking. That's the right thing to say though. Yeah, as opposed to a great job in that movie. Yeah.

though. Yeah, as opposed to great job in that movie. Yeah. You have beautiful hair. I mean, take the pussy. You think he's oh yeah, he's out of his tame the pussy. Take the pussy. Do you think he like is really impressive in bed? I bet he's a generous lover. Yeah. I bet he intensely stares at you. I bet arguing of him is fucking intense. Oh, yeah. I bet you walk away going, wait, am I crazy? I bet not a lot of people are right when they argue with him. Well, I don't think he's someone that I don't think he lives in a world where he is wrong.

Meaning, I don't think he does a lot of things out of where wrong and let, like, lands, you know? Like, I don't, I mean, you know, like, ultimately, it's kind of like, he lives in my tour bus, like, in that world, right? Like, I'm not wrong a lot on that tour bus, so mostly because it's my job, like, like, I'm not asking people to do crazy fucking shit, but like, I'm kind of the boss. Like, without me doing these shows, no one in that tour bus moves forward, right? So then meaning like that tour bus is my office. So it's like, I'm not gonna be wrong a lot in my own office.

Right. And so I think, and I think his office is his whole world because his whole world is Scientology fucking I don't think he's wrong a lot meaning, you know, I don't think you're wrong about him being not wrong about I'm fucking burping up from the bottom of my bow How often do you think Tom Cruise has diarrhea? Which one by a bar? We should buy a bar. Yeah, that's a good idea. I don't know how often Tom Cruise has diarrhea, but I think it's probably not that often.

I think he's probably pretty healthy. I'm gonna change my lifestyle. Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna quit drinking. How long? I don't know, whatever. I'd name it. Six months. Let's? I don't know, whatever. But name it. Six months. Let's do shorter, but I mean, obviously.

I thought you were gonna say a week. Okay, three months. Two two months, two weeks. Wait a minute. I'm gonna do two weeks. I'm gonna reclaim my power. I'm gonna do, I'm gonna not drink today. You don't mean to name it.

Yeah, I know, but you didn't name the ones I liked. This is what Tom Cruise does. See, I'm living in my world my world is my truth So I can't be wrong in my own truth, right? Right, so I Want I Kind of want it like I looked at Danny today. Yeah, he just didn't look hungover Like he didn't look sick to his stomach. Yeah, and I was like God wonder what that feels like and I was like I can feel like that This is what you got to his stomach. Yeah. And I was like, God, I wonder what that feels like. And then I was like, I can feel like that. That's what you got from Danny today?

Yeah. He just looked like he was having a coffee. And I was like, oh, he's not worried about getting a panic attack after the coffee. Like, he just sits there with a full head of hair and just smiles. Yeah. And then I looked at you and I was like, you did the same

shit I did. How come I'm much so much worse? But then I realized it's because I drank first into the morning yesterday. And I did not have any government. I do not remember what we said on that second podcast. I don't remember any of it I was like did I was I shitting on pretty spears? Let's look at a bars mug shoddies. Oh Let's look at bars. Mug shoddies. Oh, man.

Have you this? Yeah, this is good. Mug shoddies is, it's just like, variously, varying degrees of cute girls that have been arrested and they're mug shots. And then it usually has, if they know it, what they were arrested for. A lot of DUIs.

A lot of DUIs, put the ones I like from... Shoplifting, the ones I like are like possession of a firearm. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like, like what's interesting, oh, shoplifting.

Shoplifting, she's a child. I mean, but she should be able to get out of that. Right, don't you just... Yeah, offer a favor. She should be able to get rid of that, right? Don't you just... Yeah, offer a favor. She should be able to get rid of that. This one, what's this one? Disorderly intoxication and assault on a police officer. Yeah, she got that tattoo on her chest.

She's got big lips. She's got big lips and she's got drunk eyes, right? Very drunk eyes, yeah. She's a human, like she could be watching this and we're like talking about her. What's interesting is there's gotta be like, they're bad girls, right? So is there, like, do you notice one feature, like I was saying the nose. If you go to back to the main page, Nadov, their nose is, like, not a lot of button

noses, a lot of like sharp noses. Interesting. Yeah. Like, a lot of sharp noses were like keep going keep going like that girls had plastic surgery yeah oh look at the one look at the German terrorist go stop there right there below her below her the German terrorist no to the left doesn't see look like what was hers criminal damage of property oh this is a that that's an, you know, her boyfriend, I'm sure.

There's a lot of like taking revenge out of facing of a police memorial. The, the, the face criminal damage of property. Oh, really? Of a police memorial. Or so maybe she's a, activist, she's a liberal. No, you can tell she's liberal because of eyebrows. And they're stupid fucking turtle neck.

Stupid turtle neck. Her fucking dumb haircut. Like she can No, you can tell she's liberal because of eyebrows. And they're stupid fucking turtle neck. A stupid turtle neck. Or fucking dumb haircut. Like she can tell, you can tell, you can just tell that she's politics are like number one on her list. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She does not take care of her eyebrows at all. Like they look like two caterpillars.

And that's a liberal check for sure. Yeah, because a hardcore right wing chick has great eyebrows. Great eyebrows. Let's go find, yeah, find someone in there that committed a hate crime. Let's either go for a while. How fucking crazy is this girl in the middle up one up one you that right there. That girl comes with an arrest warrant. Yeah. Possession of a I mean she looks so well

they're cold cold. Solus dead eyes, thousand yard stairs. You know what it is though, right? She'll follow you fucking home. Her boyfriend, they got pulled over, and her boyfriend's like, yo, I got priors, I need you to hold this. Yeah, yeah. And she was like, that's what I do.

By the way, all of these, like, I'm praying that my daughter's tone under, ever end up on Mocha Shoddy's. Oh, yeah. Because this girl does not look like she has a good relationship with her dad. Her dad does not look like he's in her life. She looks so fucking angry. Keep going.

Let's see if she's a FGTR to do, though, for sure. FGTR to do. For girls that ride till death, she's a rider die, you know? She is, man. She's who you want. Like, if you die, you know, she is man. She's who you want like if you get into a fight She jumps in yeah God you got to love that loyalty right? Yeah, when you sense that loyalty. Oh Keep going keep going

Keep going. Oh my god writes dead center. Yeah dead center who is she? I got a DUI She. I gotta do why, baby. Yes, you do. She did. It's interesting, do girls not do their eyebrows evenly anymore? Hahaha.

Like that one's like, it looks like a hawk taking a turn. Yeah. It's like, you can tell she's entitled. She's got her lips done. She's got an entitled look. Yeah, she does, you do get her lips done. It's funny, when girls get their lips done,

it looks great on camera, but in person, you're like, what the fuck? Listen, you can also do it too much. She got too much for her face. She looks like she might have gotten too much. We're gonna get fucked up on one of these shoddies and come to our show and you remember me? And now it's like,

possession of a firearm mother fucker. Keep going, keep going, keep going. Let's see. Whoa, who's you tell me who you like, Nidav. Keep you can keep going scrolling till you find the one. Oh, she looks happy. Yeah, this one looks nice. Possession marijuana. Do I. Yeah. Yeah, this one looks nice. Possession of marijuana. DUI. Yeah. She's cute. She's adorable. Her dad forgave her. Yeah, it's like it's your first DUI. It's just not what it happened again, okay?

She's gonna drive her three series again next week when I... Yeah. She's got money. She comes from money. I love backstories on these. What ready? let's build an entire backstory off of it. Give me someone that has a real fucking conviction. Like this fucking, keep going, scroll down, scroll down, scroll. Yeah, I'll tell you right now, a couple things. You see the left right here? Yeah. Her and the one above her, both of those two,

not their first time getting arrested. Yeah, go to this one. What? Third degree one. What? Third degree murder? What? Yeah. For supplying drugs to a man that overdosed her them? Yeah.

She's gonna go, uh, bye bye for a while. She supplied drugs to a man who overdosed? Yeah. Yeah. Now, is that her fault? Mm, I mean, the law. I know, it's like a kind of a wonky law. It is kind of wonky.

You're like, I'm just fucking selling drugs. I was just partying. Yeah. Like I didn't know there was fucking fentanyl in it. I know. Like such bullshit. It's kind of crazy. Like they're talking about, she just looks.

And how about the one below her? Is that also a serious crime? Because she has a real look to her. Oh, that's just DUI again. Driving along the toxicities. Josh, you cried just do I again, driving along the talk. Gosh, you cried, do you can tell? Look at her make up. Yeah, she cried, tried to get out of it.

Yeah. They were like, nah, nah, put this, put this, this, top on. Let's see, like go to, find me one that's got the most likes. Just hover over them. Who's got the most likes? Keep going, keep going, scroll down. No, that one has a lot where that 8800 is like. Who's she? Speeding in reckless driving. Now she's not. She fucking parties. Keep going, keep going, scroll down. No, that one has a lot where that 8800 is a lot.

Who is she? Speeding in reckless driving. Now she's a lot. She fucking parties. Yeah, she is fun as fucking shit. And it looks like she's had a stroke. Like one of her eyes is a little shorter than the other, she fucking parties.

Melissa, this is a red light. She's like, what the fuck up? Yeah, she's a good time. Fuck it, fuck it it we only live once I'm gonna suck your car while I'm driving yellow who is her that's a lot of likes what does he do drug trafficking oh yeah this in Mexico that's why that's a photographer backed up he's like hold on and narcos affiliation in Mexico there was a slight nip slip on the mug shot that I had to cover on Instagram uncensored on Twitter though Jesus. She worked for the Narco-Tropic Conte.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's man that is a... And by the way I think we're done talking about her. The good nice picture. Yep, she's a beautiful- Oh look at this little party girl, to the left bottom. No, no, no, no, this girl. Yeah, she's fucking gets down. What is she, driving while intoxicated? Yeah.

Impaired, she was doing something else. So she was eating mushrooms. God damn it, I've dated chicks like this. I mean, she's cute, she got the nice tattoo on the chest. Good girl. She's like, she's like, fuck it. She's posing like this is a fucking headshot. That's what we need to get our headshots down,

our mugshots down. Yeah. So that we're ready when we get the mugshot. I gotta do the Pablo Escobar. What's that? His first one? Oh man, it's so great. I think I'm gonna do the Nick Nolte.

His, yeah, you got that down. That way. You know? I mean, he's posting like, oh, you really? Okay. Ha ha ha ha. Yeah, it's great. Now, he's not a nice guy.

I wanna point that out. I found out, yeah, I don't wanna glorify. No, no, no, no, no. I talked to some DEA guys. He was a real goofball. And he did some really rascally stuff. But I'm just saying, it's quite a, for that to be your mug shot where you're like,

I mean, he's, that's a menacing, like he's smiling at the police. Like, by the way, this won't be the first time you take a picture of me Yeah, what was it? What was the what would you get arrested for on this one? I'm trying to remember I know that they had pulled him like he was driving but I forget what the What the arrest was like can you can you find out what what what first arrest was for? I'm trying to remember I don't think it was if the show was accurate. It was Can you can you find out what what first arrest was for? I'm trying to remember I don't think it was if the show was accurate it was drug-related right? It was because he was traveling across the border they they just like he paid them off

right all the cops and then they just said they realized how much they were getting shorted so they were like fuck it we're gonna arrest you if you're gonna do that to us. If the show is accurate. Well, the true story behind public Escobar is smiling mugshot. Is this it right here? When you look at the story, some of the most well-known criminals, you'll usually stumble on their mugshots. And that photo of somewhat unusually friendly mugshot. He's smiling, which is true.

Okay. Scroll. Escobar is eventually shot and killed 93. There it is. Not different. We're not sure. We can't know for sure why he's smiling. He never said anything to explain his expression. However, the most popular theory is he was toying with the police because he knew he'd be released. Yeah, that's true. Fully enough, this is exactly what happened before he went on to become one of the biggest

In May of the 17th Ask about some of his members arrested for transporting cocaine. Oh, it is it is drugs related. Okay Anything underneath it Apparently they found 40 pounds of stuff in a spare tire He was gaining infamy for his policy of Blasto Bloma, which basically means silver or lead, either take the bribe or I'll kill you. Silver or lead. Yeah. Yeah. What is it? What is it? Blata? Obloma. Blata. Obloma. That's what you call your special. Yeah.

It's a good one. Bloma. That's a good idea, actually. This time Pablo was able to bribe his arresting officers. He was taken in as he sat in jail. The case got handed to several different judges But none of them got around to assembling the case meanwhile his arresting officers were mysteriously killed And his case was dropped with all record of it apparently disappearing He was smiling because he knew he would get out of it Okay, what's a what's so what are other great Instagram accounts to follow? Like that Mugsha Shoddy is a pretty great one.

Yeah. Like it's fun to kind of scroll through. McDow Joe life, that's always a fun one. I mean, there's like, there's a bunch of ones that like house of highlights. Yeah, that's fantastic. Yeah, that's a good one. What is, see if there's a thing, top 10 Instagram,

the history one. What's McD's own life? You don't see that one? That's the guy that like breaks down all these bullshit martial artists. You know, like people like being like, I'm gonna hit you with the energy ball. Like all this shit and like he just, you know, puts them on blast basically. Yeah, like that is that kind of a black belt and in fucking eating. Yeah, look at that gut I'm just black belt and fucking burritos

Yeah, oh, yeah, you see it's all these like Wack job. Yeah, who who are how you know claim to be teaching people martial arts with just bullshit hold my beers a good one my beers funny Try I think I don't know anyway, there's just there's tons of this magic cry chopping. Yeah There's just there's tons of this magic cry chopping. Yeah. Microsoft showed you that's a great idea. What's a concept, you know, yeah. What's a what's like one where like I like the idea. See, see if it's like top 10 Instagram accounts to follow. You know, we were, can I tell you something that bothered me and I want to thank the people that put us on this list because it's

a compliment, but it was, it was a weird compliment it was oh fuck nevermind Doug the pug who's that humans of New York now these are just like no those are garbage don't even show that list yeah we got put on a list of top celebrity podcasts. We did? Yeah, and we're not celebrities. No. Type in two bears, one cave, top celebrity podcasts. It was an article, it was really kind of them

to put us on the list, but it's so not how I identify us. I identify us as podcasters. Good news. Hmm. I identify us as podcasters. Go to news. Huh. I don't want to say, I don't, by the way, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I get out of here, get out of here. I don't want to see anything about myself in the news. Huh.

This is a bad fucking idea. It's fucking just our panicking, burk griser. Yeah. Fucking Jesus. I, uh, nobody was like, it was like, it was, it was, like, it was the, who the guys will aren't at and they have one. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's called Asian Bateman. It's like the white list or some smart list. Smart list, this is this was on there. Which, okay. And by the way, no shade anybody. But like, I get it, they are celebrities and then they decided to do a podcast. Right.

We've been doing podcasts for fucking nine years. I know we're so much better at it than them. And, no really. Jason Bateman, Jason Bateman, everything he does is fucking hilarious. That stupid fucking commercial where he played like nine different people in history. Every single one of them was funny.

He's so fucking good. He's so good. He's so fucking good. I was so in love with his sister growing up. Yeah. Oh my God. And he's so good on Ozark, man. He's so amazing, dude.

What the woman he has sex with, his wife, Kathleen, whatever her name is. What I don't know, it was Arkman. He's amazing dude. What the woman he has sex with, his wife, Kathleen, whatever her name is, what I don't know her name is, she is when she, when she foxes in that. Wendy, Wendy Bird. Is that her name? Yeah, in the show. In the pilot episode, she has sex with someone

and she does it like a real woman. Like it's so funny. Her, what she put into it is what porn stars are missing. Right. Like the way she did it, I was like, that's how women fuck. That's how women fuck. Not how, uh, suck it, fuck it, uh, like that's it.

The way she did it, I went, it got, it like hit me. I went, wow, that's how, that's how milk's fuck. You like that, huh? Yeah. Laura Lennie.ny Laura Lenny, but it was it was smart list. It was I think it was like the always something in Philadelphia guys Yeah, um and like it was all celebrities who be who did podcast and by the way we weren't we're not as famous as any of these people. No let alone The loan we've been podcasting for a long time and we put are we probably put more effort into their podcast when we do Oh fuck them. Yeah, all those people fucking suck. That's right Fuck you All right, we gotta get out here. All right, I got your shit don't go take a shit. Thanks for watching

I take a list of the middle of the night last night. Yeah. You know how hard it is to go back to bed after you take your shit. Did you wake up and shit? I woke up. Shat. And then got back in bed and I was like, I think I'm just shit again. And I got back up and shat.

And then got back in bed. No, it was like, I was like, I was just sitting on my phone and it was like, I have to get out like, okay. You got it went in to podcast? Yeah, that was great. I love you too. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert, one goes top and swap the other, wears a shirt, Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine, there's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean.

Here's what we call, screw Bert and Tom. No scripts, a bit ofze amateur, for topology Dirty jokes, ronti humor, no apologies Here's what we call two bears one cave you