2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 132 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Mark Normand & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: May 9, 2022

We have a special guest bear joining Bert Kreischer today... it's Mark Normand! They talk about iconic standup comedy sets from black comedians, prescription pills, and Bert getting hurt on his Travel Channel show. They trade stories about first experiences with drugs, alcohol and sex. They discuss their sex lives, cultures from all over the world, a bartender Bert was attracted to the night before, and being diverse on accident. https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://www.bertbertbert.com/bertyboytourhttps://store.ymhstudios.com/

Denver, what's up? It's me, Tom Segura. This is my tour bus. It's so much nicer than Birx. That doesn't matter. Anyway, I've had it a second show at Ball Arena on July 24. Get tickets right now. They're at Tom Segura.com slash tour. We're gonna have a lot of fun. I've got special guests, big surprises, and we will drink chords all night instead of this bullshit coffee She's just way too much milk What are the secrets about your chick like like she well, I mean I don't know how much I can say but she's she private ah she's cool she's a she's an open casket but she's uh she likes insults and be mean to me and hold me down and you know really degrade it's bad the ones that we were fucking in you know call me a whore or call me a slug call me uh tell me I'm this and I was like ah you fucking That didn't go over well 100%

I agree Thomas fat and racist What a great way to start an episode mark. Oh, do we get Mark statement there? Ladies and gentlemen guest bear today Mark Norman. Hey good to be a Mark Norman. Whoo boy. We're both hurting. It's like like we fucked last night. It's awkward. I'm hungover. I'm gay. I'm pushing through. When I got three hours of sleep,

can I tell you what fucking makes me so frustrated? Your is, is, no, you made us know we're talking about last night. Oh, okay. Okay. Okay, game up moving. I thought you were going to talk about your impotence. But we're going to, we're going to push through. I, so like, it's like I met you before my wife, my wife's friends, John man's, my cameraman and my assistant Peter, right?

Yeah, I met you before all of them. Oh, yeah, I introduced you to all of them. Yes. And all they do is tell me how funny you are. And I go, yeah, you wouldn't know him if it wasn't for me. Like, it's so fucking frustrating. And they're like, no, you Lance had I go, what I'm doing at two berries guest with Mark. No one was just, oh, how lucky are you? And I was like, I was like, no, I'm really lucky. I'm very lucky. I was like, but hold on, let's be very clear. The only reason you know him is me. So like, no, I'm really lucky. I'm very lucky. I was like, but hold on, let's be very clear.

The only reason you know him is me. So like, it's like introducing people to cocaine and then they just kind of look over their daily shoulder and like, how do I get more? I'm the one that's selling it to you. Yeah, wow, I'm honored. I do well with 52 year old moms. But yeah, I'm so glad I didn't dose you that time

because Ari gave me a hit. But yeah, thank you, Leigh Ann, I appreciate it. How lucky are you? You guys, I don't know if we've been, I don't know what tornadoes I've announced, or I haven't announced. It's all a blur. It's all a blur, but there's another one coming up.

I don't even know if we've announced it or not, but and obviously, anytime we do something really big, I always want Mark with me because I'm like, he's, first of all, obviously hands down one of my favorite comics to watch. Do stand up. I legit. All right, you can't keep hot meant me.

It gets weird. But the funnest hang. You're fun man. We can have a good time. Did you're an alcoholic? Yeah, I like to drink. I mean, I shit blood this morning. So we like to drink, we like to chop it up. When we both love comedy, we can get hammered and talk comedy like to drink. I mean, I shit blood this morning. So we like to drink we like to chop it up

And we both love comedy we can get hammered and talk comedy like nerds. Yeah, that's my favorite thing I wish my wife could do that. No, you know, you don't really yeah, you wanted to stay a lady What do you what do you talk to your what your girlfriend about? I don't know it's a good question current events I don't know. It's a good question. Current events. That's a great question. Do you have a talking list of things? Yeah.

So, uh, view cranes in the news. How about that Kanye Putin, huh? Yeah. No, we have our pillow talk. We do the best talking, laying in bed, four in the morning, just laying on our side, staring at each other, getting all googly-eyed, you know. So wait, so wait, do you, I could never turn it off. Like sexually?

Yeah. So I could never, I am burnt the whole time until it goes in and then I turn into the saddest individual in the world of just like. Yeah, I'm the same way. I get all puppy doggy. Yeah, it gets bad. We talk about everything. We love we love talking George Floyd and you name it. We'll go all in talking George Whatever whatever's clever

What what's the most awkward one I stand you've ever had? Oh my God. Geez Louise. Well the morning is always weird, but I've never had, I've never had, no I've never had, I've had sex with a woman by new her for a couple days. Yeah. I've never really had a one night stand I think. Maybe like, maybe.

No yeah, no, no, no. When I was in high school, college, I would mean my friend met these two gals at a bar and it was last call, you know, last call, you're like, we gotta make something happen. So we meet these two gals and we both hooked up with them in his childhood bedroom. Me on the floor with my gal, him on the bed with his gal.

And I finished in like two seconds and I had to watch him and his lady just really go at it. And it was brutal because she was like, man, I wish I was with that stud. And I was done and I was like, so how about that fresh prince? You see a good well-hunting, you know? Or whatever it was out, how about OJ?

How about OJ? I'm an OJ. They were just plowing away and he was flipping her over and legs were in the air and me and her were just like, sitting there, like, you know, with curlers in her hair, throwing the phone wire, it was brutal. I've never, I'm really fast as X. Yeah, same.

But I just asked, I asked T.O. Torelloans. Oh, wow. I asked Tio Torelloans. Oh, wow. I asked Tio how long should sex be and he's like three minutes and and and it's so funny because he was being honest. Yeah. JB smooth was smooth or smooth? The smooth.

The that's interesting when when a when a comic like when a black comic puts the the spelling of the name in their thing and your forces white to be like, what's up? Damn fool. Yeah. Do the damn thing. Right. Yeah, that's true. How are you?

Damn fool. Damn fool is a funny fucking comic. You've ever seen damn fool? I've never heard of him. Damn fool. I hope you still doing stand up. He went up and murdered. We were in like somewhere in Michigan and he fucking murdered

Mm-hmm any murder with that white audience they fucking loved him damn fool Do they is funny? He is funny as fucking shit his name's Kevin Simpson and I told him I was like I would lose the damn fool because I think you alienate I told him a lady I might think you will alienate what honest is and his take was I'm black I only I alienate white audiences immediately like like in that in that no Carpool of soccer moms is gonna go see him right regardless and he's like I'm gonna be It was it was when I was giving it. I was giving a bicep shouldn't give well I think that's a misconception like I grew up on a comic view. Remember how many times you'd watch Chris Tucker

or whoever Bruce Bruce, and you know, there's a lot of Michael Jackson impressions, but it was the funniest shit ever in the 90s. Yeah. Dude, comic, I didn't see comic view as much, but, uh, Def Jam? Oh, yeah. You ever seen Bernie Mac's DEF Jam set?

Of course, of course. It's the best DEF Jam set. Sometimes you need that pressure in a set. I'm blessed. To be able, yeah, I'm blessed. Yeah. I'm big bone. I take my dick out this whole room, DERRES BLACK.

Yeah, yeah. Goddamn it. The confident, I try to channel that when I'm nervous. I try to show what I could never get to that level. That kind of confidence that that taking over room, because that was the worst show ever. The story's about how everybody was bombing, and he's like, I'm not bombing.

I'm gonna kill it, and he did. Yeah, and the guy that went before him, that's the story always, is who goes before the guy in those bombs, who creates that thunderstorm. Do you remember who was? No. Hammer.

No way. Yeah. As they said. And you know, sometimes I've seen this happen. Hamburger was a hamburger. Jones, was that his name? We titled it. I bet it.

So, he was, I think he wore cowboy hat. Yep. And it was like a little bit of a, yeah, there it is. Bit of a gimmick. Little bit, I'm not being, I don't want it to be disrespectful. No. But if you're in Harlem and you were in a cowboy hat on stage, it probably kills everywhere, but it's a fine line whether or not the gimmick sells.

It's the craziest thing, because if a gimmick doesn't work. It's like a big act out. If you do a big act out, you're killing, it's beautiful. But if you do a big act out to nothing, it is painful. Colleges. Demick still work at colleges. You think?

I've been there. I've seen comics with a gimmick go up into college and just the energy shifts. I've never, I mean, I never did. I do do colleges every now and I'm doing Pittsburgh coming up. I'm nervous. University of Pittsburgh. Yeah. Really?

Yeah. They booked me. They had they reached up. I'm nervous. University of Pittsburgh. Yeah, really. Yeah. They booked me. They they reached out really Yeah, I think the young kids not to throw away their digress The younger kids now are way filthier You know, I feel like we got like kind of PC for a while and then the kids in the younger generation are like bring it on Yeah, call me horrible things, say horrible things. My daughters are not that way. They're very PC.

Oh, what are we talking about? I don't know how they're, but... Uh. 15 and 17. Oh, hey, anyone else hard? But yeah, that's a, that's a fun age. Well, maybe I'm wrong, but they live in LA also. LA is a different beast. LA is a a fucking I might need a cocktail in a dog

I might need a cocktail. Can I just have a little something to pick me up? I was He's already late last night. He did up here. I'm looking at my face in the mirror of fat cut I'm jute when I think that's my shot. You're looking oh I'm terrible By the way, I've been being so healthy lately. So fucking healthy. You don't really help taking a Xanax first thing when you wake up.

First thing. First thing when you wake up. What? You don't really help barbituates pain pills when you end these days. Yes. A little chip of his day. I asked, so what I do on my blood pressure medication is I line it up for the week

and I get to make sure I'm very OCD about it. but then I grab one Xanax and I toss it in. It just didn't out on any day. And then that day, like a lot of times I'll see it and I'll pull it out and I'm like, I have a busy day. But sometimes I'll, I won't see it. I'll throw it in my thing, I'll throw it in my mouth, and then I count my pills on my tongue. What, I know. Easy, and in a cool. What's going on here? And, yeah, he wants one too. He just wants a sip. He's got to do Rogan today.

It's give me a nip. Yeah, I got to do the biggest podcast on the planet while, you know, foggy hung over. And so I will, we're talking about that. And then let's break down, hold on. Wait, wait, I want to hear about the benzos. So sometimes I'll put up my pills on my tongue and I'll taste the Xanax and I'll go mother fucker. I was just putting Xanax in my mouth. Yeah. What I did the other day is I didn't put a full Xanax because that is a game changer that kind of changed

your day. That'll ruin you. I took a chip of Xanax and tossed it in. Like like I would say, so I take half a milligram of hypertake X annex. Oh God. For the folks at home, it is 10, 14 in the morning. Just a nine 14 in the morning. Is it what? Oh, I'm on New York time. It's 914. Jesus, Christ. That's even worse. Hey, tell them about fully loaded Mark. Fully loaded tour. We're doing baseball parks. We're doing arenas. We're going to Tennessee, Mississippi. You name it fully loaded tour.com. Festival festival festival.com. Yeah, I mean, some of the great said I don't want to give out too many names. So just come out before the Greek. Is this come out before May 5th? I hope you enjoyed us at the Greek. I just had it. I just had it a

disc golf tournament that morning. Oh, I'll see you there. Yeah. Uh, I started leaning into all my ideas. Yeah. It's like, why not throw everything against the fucking wall and see what sticks, right? Well, that's the Xanix talking. So. Oh, man. I can't see. I just take a Xanix and I'm not, I'm so chilled out that you don't have any comedy in you. It's hard to do, it's hard to do stand up. I can't, I can't do, you know, I can't do radio the next day after Xanix.

I don't take enough Xanix by the way. Like enough, enough, enough. I don't take a lot, cheers. It's great having you, man. Hey, thanks for having me. Um, I don't, I don't take them often, but because usually I'll catch it and I take it out, but the other day I put a chip in, like just a little chip. I take half a milligram, maybe it's a, and it, it, I mean, I didn't realize how much

fucking chaos I was operating in. Uh, cause you take a, cause I don't take them often. And if I do take them, um, by the way, in the past two weeks, I've taken two Xanax, which is a lot for me. You know? Oh, that's good. And that's a lot. But I normally take, I'll get a thing of 30

and it'll take me six months to go through them. And then they expire by the time I usually get to the end of them. Right. Can I get one of those? Yeah, yeah. No, I can't, you know why? Because if you die, I get a good a jail. I'm not a fucking such a bullshit law.

Yeah, that sucks. Except for the guy that gave Kate, uh, Winston, Fettinall, Winston. He went, Kate, quickly. Yep. Yeah. Do you ever listen to that podcast you did about getting? No. Pretty fucking good. I won't, I won't tell her. It's horrible that I said it's pretty good. A bunch of people died. But it was, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, I won't tell her. It's horrible that I said it's pretty good. A bunch of people died. But it's an intriguing podcast. Okay. This she does, it's on her podcast.

I'm fucking I'm forgetting a podcast. Two girls, one, fentanyl. Datefails, datefails, we're kidding. Datefails. Yeah, it's a fascinating, it makes you scared to do drugs ever again. Yeah, totally. Makes you want to lean into fucking prescription drugs.

I know, that's what I'm asking you for, but not some other guy off the street. What? It's crazy that like if I gave you a Xanax and then you drank a ton, took it, and died, I would go to jail. Yeah, I've done that before. I took a totem pole pull up give this a goog

They're called totem poles or green hulks. Tell the story. I took one I've told the story a few times, but I took one and I was like I don't want to be hung over me and my friend are going tubing In San Antonio in the morning. There they are look how big that is that is whoa That's a green hulk and you're supposed to take one Whoa, I want the one that says Xanax on it. Oh yeah, that's classic. Oh man, what the fuck do I have? I have the fucking knockoff Alarazapams. Yeah, I dated her, Black chick.

But so I took a whole one, and I don't even touch this stuff ever. We got hammered one night, just tequila shots, tequila shots, but we're going tube it in the morning. So I want to get a good night's sleep, pop the whole thing. I slept for like 38 hours Hang on unpack that yeah, it was bad I I got kicked out of my hotel room

They pulled me out of the room in the red roof in in San Antonio put me in the lobby with my bags They packed my bags. I got all kinds of shit in my bag money and dildos and other shit, you know props that on the road I got a rubber chicken and they put it all in a bag and put me in the lobby and I just slept in the lobby for like another 12 hours If you were coming in checking in what the fuck yeah, so do you have any anxiety the next that when you wake up and you start working Your body starts working. Yeah, and you and you take your first shit in fucking 36 hours. Yeah. And check how much piss is in your pants. I know, right?

Well, what, like give any anxiety about like, about your, your hands working right, or your feet working right, or your brain, or... Well, my friend was like calling me, calling me. Why isn't he answering? What the hell? And so he just showed up at the hotel, sees me in the lobby, and he's like,

what the fuck happened? They're like, well, you get rid of this guy? And he picks me up, and he said, my feet were dragging. He took me to a bodega, or a corner store, and he bought me like a couple of seven ups and a water and all that, and brought me back to his house, and we was just like, and then eventually we got IVs. Holy shit.

Yeah, and I came too. We did a show that night. Really? Yeah, I was off, but yeah, it was fun. So, wait, and you think, was it laced with something? I think so, but I'm also a lightweight with pills, so I could have just been me not used to taking that much at once with all that booze.

It's funny you hear about people overdosing on. I will not, the reason, one of the reasons I do this annex trick to myself is that if I take a chip of his annex, I will not drink I will not know I know I know I know myself you're still responsible. I'm afraid of I'm afraid of death I had a problem with annex. I had a legit problem with yeah, yeah, yeah with when I first started dating Leanne I was unaware it was prescribed to me, and I was unaware of how addictive benzos were. And so, and by the way,

benzo withdrawal is you can die from. So it's like, they won't take you in rehabs if you're addicted to benzos. My buddy was addicted to benzos, and they took him to rehab and the rehab said no thanks. Get him off Benzo's first. That's how fucked up pencils are. And by the way, I joke about Xanax, but for real, Xanax is a bad fucking drug.

My cardiologist told me, because I was telling him about my blood pressure medicine thing and he was like, obviously he's a doctor, so he's like, the fuck are you doing? I was like, I was like, I don't know, man. Just like a little day off for myself. And he was like, don't ever do that. He was like, don't ever do that. And by the way, don't ever take Xanix.

It fucking melts your brain. Do not take Xanix. And I was like, okay, wow. Wow, just zillions of Americans are taking it every day. Yeah, I'm not taking you on my tour bus. Yeah. See, I got the taking you on my tour bus. Yeah. See, I got the chip when I took the vaccine. But either way, it's that withdrawal shoot is so scary

because I remember when the peak of the pandemic, when it was new and scary and everybody was staying inside, I was staying in bean town with my lady and everything was closed, but the liquor store. They called a package store out there. And I was like, I went in there, I bought a case of beer and a rack of white claws and all this and I was like, how come you guys are open?

They said we have to be open legally because if alcoholics can't get boozed, they'll die. And I was like, God, yeah. Oh my God, don't ever let me get there. Yeah, so I bought an extra case. Put this over here. Yeah. You know, I said to some,

when we were watching some documentary about pills, it's heartbreaking when you see someone really addicted to pills. Yeah. And I said out loud, I, it's so funny, prescriptions aren't my thing. I don't really give a fuck about them.

And Liam was there and she went, that's a lie. And I was like, what? She goes, you've been addicted to pills twice. And I went, no, it happened. I actually said, you know what I, my statement was, pain killers aren't my thing. They don't work on me. Like I can't feel them.

Like Tom loves them. Like a vikin' in? Tom loves pain pills. Everybody loves them. I don't, they, I don't feel them. When I got surgery on my arm, they gave me like the highest one you could get, and I stopped taking it.

So I was like, I don't, I don't feel it, and I know that I'm consummating myself. I'm still in pain. I'd rather just deal with the fucking pain and get it over with. Yeah. Damn. I think people love them.

I think people drink with them. They were big and why was it college? I said to Leanne, I said, uh, yeah, I don't, pain pills aren't my thing. I don't, I don't, I wouldn't, I don't even give a fuck about them. She goes, you were addicted to pain pills. I was like, no, it wasn't.

She's like, when you fell off the, off the waterfall and I went, oh fuck, I was. Cause I got oxy cotton, not oxy, oxy cotton. What whatever, I got one of the oxy. Oh, that was oxy bad. And I was eating them, prescribed, they were prescribed to me. Meaning he said, take one every four hours.

Jesus. Four hours with a, you've been getting ready for this, with a volume. So I was ready for this, with a volume. So I was getting an oxy and a volume every four hours. This is Michael Jackson's doctor. I was in so much a fucking pain. I fall off the waterfall, last story I'm gonna tell, and then Mark will talk the whole stuff.

Well, that person, that sounds like a pill addiction, like you heard about Burdy, fill off the waterfall. Yeah, sounds like when you start getting back into pills. You wanna tell me, you want me to show, hey, can you see if you can see a picture of me on a stretcher on Instagram? I'm such a fucking jackass. I follow for waterfall.

It's a horrible, horrible, horrible, oh, look at how small my arm was. Do you see a picture? Damn, look at that. That's after surgery. Look at how small it was. Wow, gross. That was, I photoshopped it. Anyway, I small it was. Wow, gross. I was, I photoshopped it.

Anyway, I've due the opposite to my dick all the time. And so I, I fall off a waterfall. They can't get a hella back in there. They cut me out of a dry suit. I then have to crawl on my hands and knees. I think they put pants on me. So I was in my underwear, I out of a dry suit. I then have to crawl on my hands and knees. I think they put pants on me. So I was in my underwear. I was in a dry suit. Did you hit a rock? What happened? I was repelling and it's really interesting. Don't ever get too comfortable. In anything you do, when it comes to like surfing, repelling, ice climbing,

I've done everything there is to do, but don't ever get too comfortable. Always be aware of the danger that surrounds you. I heard this in a Nathan Florence saying that the other day as he was like, I'm hyper aware of just how quick things can turn bad. So I posted this picture like a fucking jackass before I called my wife.

Ah, damn. I posted it before I called my wife. Ah, damn. I posted it before I called my wife. I have glasses on because I was crying. Wow. Yeah, I was crying, you know, you want to know a weird part? So I crawl my hands and knees out of a ravine, 210 feet up, it's vertical. So to crawl on a trail on my hands and knees,

because my legs didn't work. My legs worked, but I couldn't move them up like this. I could only kind of shuffle them. So I just had to kind of crawl. I get up to the top. My whole cruise with me, I am laying on the ground. I'm in the most pain I've ever been in. I'm crying.

I'm in crying, I'm in that much pain. I'm crying from the pain. And I'm also in my, and these two girls walk up and they see the camera crew, they see me on the ground and they're like, what's happening? And I'm listening, I can hear them. And they're like, they're like, oh, our hosts of our show fell and they're like, who is he? And it's like, oh, his name's Bert. He's a comedian, but he hosted show and travel channel called Trip Flip. And they're like, oh, okay. And then the the girl one girl comes over as if I haven't heard her she goes, how am I a huge fan? Do you mind if I get a pick? Oh

Wow I wanted to fucking turn into a grizzly bear fucking Leonardo capri or fucking killer And so so they they they get me out of the the woods that day and it day. And it's the most, you ever had an experience where you go, I don't, very simply, this is something I think it relate to. Hungover is fuck, you wake up in the hotel room

and you realize you have all day of travel to get to where you have to be. And you look at you go, how am I gonna get through today, right? Daunting. And then at the end of the day, you're like, man, I got through it. It wasn't as hard as I thought.

Well, imagine that if you're at the bottom of a green and you realize, I need to end up in a hospital, I need to crawl out on my hands and knees. I then have an hour hike out that I don't know how I'm gonna do. I then have a fucking hour drive to the hospital, all of which I don't know how I'm gonna do. Right. And so I,

it was, that was, I remember remember that I remember that feeling of this isn't possible So we get on a fucking stretcher in the back of an ATV the most pain I've ever been in my entire life I think my back's broken. I think it's broken because I can't nothing's working on me I get to the hospital and they give me delotted and immediately I can walk around. Like is that a drug? It's pharmaceutical heroin. It's what I watch them give it to Tommy.

I watch them give it to Tommy. When he broke his arm and broke his leg. His mouth changed. Like he was like it was like this and then And they go where we're gonna be a little odd and he went like this He's like oh man that stuff really works and it immediately immediately Yeah, so then the guy the doctor's like I didn't break my back. It was a contusion out of all things It was cont I didn't break my back, it was a contusion. Out of all things, it was a contusion. Didn't break anything.

It was just a contusion. I swear to God, as crazy as it sounds, it felt like a broken back, but I couldn't use any of the muscles in my back. If I didn't have my pills, I passed out that night. I thought, he gives me pills. I went out that night, I had a drink. Wow.

Like all of a sudden, I was totally fine. I had head cheese for the first time in my life. I was giggling with people, I'm like, no I'm good, I'm actually good. Should we keep continuing the episode? And so everyone travels and I was like, oh, we'll do it. I get to the hotel, I did a fucking podcast intro. I'm high as fuck, I'm eating pills, I go to bed,

and without thinking, I put my pills where I can't reach them. I wake up in the middle and I have into piss, and I can't move, I can't move my back, I can't move anything, and I have to piss in the bed. Yeah, been there. Dude, my sound guy came in, they, I wasn't, I didn't go down the call time, I couldn't get out of bed, I was been there. Dude, my sound guy came in, they, I wasn't, I didn't go down the call time.

I couldn't get out of bed, I was stuck there. I was in, and all my pain pills ran out, all the delotted ran out. This, the value is a, is a muscle relaxant. My sound guy came in and I was in my bed crying because I was like, I'm in pain, but I'm crying because I'm like, what if no one finds me? Like I'm having panic about it. Yeah crying because I'm like, what if no one finds me? Like I'm having panic about it.

Yeah. And he was like, I remember, they were John sales, I remember he comes in and he just goes, oh, buddy. Yeah. And he got me up, I took my pills and then, and I called the end, you want another gangster part of the story, I called the end, I had a gig in a Aspen,

that weekend I was gonna do the filming and then that weekend I was gonna be an Aspen. And I told the end I said, I don't think I can do the gig. It was 25 grand. She goes, no, you can do it. She goes, load up on Payne Pills. I'll grab you.

Islander are gonna fly out. We're gonna take you to Aspen. We'll get you to Aspen. What a wife. It was, whoa, it's 25 grand. That's what she wanted. She saw the fucking price tag. She's like, I don't care how much you are.

I'm the pay you are. I get it, the gig's a gig. But, cut to two weeks later, or I'm eating, I'm through my prescription. I got another prescription. And I did something I'm not really proud of, is I called my, I got another prescription from the North Carolina doctor,

and I called my doctor in LA to get a prescription. Oh, you doubled up. Yeah, and Leanne found out and she was like, I woke up one morning, I'm in bed. I reached every of my pills. She's standing there. She has both of them in her hands. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go. She goes, you're done, big boy.

Yeah. I said, what? She goes, you done. I said, maybe give me one more just get start my day. That's what they all say. She said, nope. That's how you got to do it. Port them out. She said, you're done. Cold turkey, big boy. That's what they all say. She said nope. That's how you got to do it. Port them out.

She's like done. Cold turkey big boy. Let's do it. Yeah. What a shame. She could have sold those to Ralphie May at least. Oh, that might have been too far. No.

All right, Pete. I called Ralphie May the other day. Why? Yeah. I got bad news for you. I don't know if you heard. Did you get the voicemail? I mean, Jesus.

All right, this is horrible. Yeah, he liked the pills, I think. I think you did. Yeah, I got my wisdom teeth pulled out and my dad had to come get me from the office, the, what do you call it? Dendrit. Yeah, and me and my dad were not close.

We're very waspy. It's a very buttoned up relationship. And I'm fucked up because I'm on all the drugs. From the, you know, I got the fat mouth and the gauze is coming out. How do you, how do you? 17. Okay.

And he's like, okay, son, we have to go. I'm like, what's up? You fucking homo. I got in a headlock and everything and he's like He's like, let me see that all get that thing out big guy. Oh, I see where I came from Like nut checking him and stuff and he's like, okay, son. Let's get out of here He's like got me by the by the shoulder and I'm like, ah, and I like purple nerpled him and everything and it was it was super awkward And he brought it up later and it wasn't happy about it.

For real? Yeah, well he's a square guy. My parents walked in when I was, I have a lot of teeth problems, a lot. The first time they started fixing, I was in fourth grade and they gave me laughing gas for the first time and my mom walked in and she goes, how are you doing buddy? And I, I, and I adjusted kicked in and I went, this feels so fucking good. Yeah, I'm in fourth grade. And my mom's like, this might be a problem.

Yeah. Do you remember, is nitrous slapping us? I'm in fourth grade. You're like, hey, you come, Gus there. Get over here. All right, sorry. Wait, do you remember the first, do you remember the first buzz you got?

I do, yeah. Tell me that story. It was great. I was at a party in, I was like 14 years old. These are very strong. Yeah. You really poured a heavy, uh, Tito in there. Tito or T's. But, uh, yeah. So I was at a party and I just had like my first vodka soda or whatever it was. And I had my second one. I was like, whoa, baby. I am rolling. And that, it was like risky business. I slid on on the floor and I just started dancing, made out with a girl, it was great.

That's, I remember hearing this phrase, liquid courage and going and going, what a cool, what a cool, like almost like how brilliant, who wrote that Ernest Hemingway? Like that's so fucking genius. That's exactly what I felt. I'm like punching fences. Yes.

And going like, I called the, I remember the first time I did cocaine. Oh shit. Oh, let's hear it. Uh, Norelands. No way. Yeah, Norelands. Norelands, this is, uh, this is, and like I said, I never really had a problem with drugs, but I have had it, rewritz at it times.

We were really into eating ecstasy in college. And we went to, we went to, Marty Gras, and me and my buddy, I won't say his name, he's coming to my show in Nashville. We were like, we need to get X, we need to get X. We want to have, like, we'll split a pill and we'll have a great fucking day and great at night. And my buddy who's been in and out of rehab,

his whole adult life, who I grew up with, best friends with him and his brother, best friends with her family. He says to me, I have Coke, if you wanna try Coke. And I was like, I was like, I don't know. I was like, I've known him since we were kids, and I never knew that he had Coke. And I was like, do you do it?

And he goes, I do. But it's super. It's not the greatest thing because it's pretty fucking awesome. And I want to know how awesome. And he goes, I mean, you don't have to sell it to anyone. You just gotta try it. And you'll love it. Is this New Orleans Coke?

This was it. Because I feel like we wouldn't have the best Coke down there. This is Florida Coke. Ah, Florida Coke. Way better. So he brings me into my buddy into a room and they have a rock of coke. Oh boy. A rock and they have to lead to the rock.

They take a razor blade and shave it off. Oh yeah. And crush it up and I did one line and just like out. Oh yeah. And crush it up. And I did one line. And just like out of the movies. One line. Time bill. One line. And immediately I am numb from this tooth all the way over.

Like I mean, I'm talking like down the center of my face. I am numb from this tooth over. And he's like, do you want to do the other nose? You want to do another line? And I was like, I think I should. Because I can feel this out of my face. But I can't feel this out of my face. I got to even out.

Yeah. And so he's like, yes, I do another line. And my first distinct memory of that cocaine was sitting on a trolley car with my buddy, my other friend. Me and him, we left everyone. We went down to the Bourbon Street. Yeah. And I felt like I could rip the poles out of the thing.

I felt I go, I actually know, if I want to, I could rip this pole out and take it with me for the night and have like a nice stick to walk on. Yeah. But I'm smart enough to know that if I do that, everyone will know I'm on Coke. Wow. This is a great ad for Coke.

And so me and my buddy, we got a bag from him and we went into porta-potties and we did little key bumps for the rest of the night. And then sat, and by the way, didn't drink. We didn't have that one drink. What? We were just walking on a burmistry like this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just fucking firing on all cylinders. We didn't drink, we didn't have that one drink. What? We were just walking on a vermin street like this. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just fucking firing on all cylinders. We go back to my buddy's house, we pass out in my car. And I sleep pretty good, I'm in shockingly enough. I wake up the next morning with the most acute searing anxiety I've ever had in my life. That's what I hear. Like I'm saying, heart racing, and we still like Coke, we still like Coke.

And so, and I'm supposed to bring some back. Yeah. So, we get my car, we all start to drive back. No one in the car knows I have, this is back when if you got pulled over with Coke, if you get pulled over with Coke, now you're in trouble, right? Yeah, I think so. But back then you really got in trouble,

especially in the South. Yeah, yeah. And so, at're in trouble, right? Yeah, I think so. But back then you really got in trouble, especially in the South. Yeah, yeah. And so at a rest area, I pull over, I take the large eight ball we have, throw it out. Good for you. And then while I kept a little bit, kept a little bit,

the one bag we had shared the night before, I hold onto that. Yeah. Take it back. I stayed up all night in my bed. I didn't sleep that night searing fucking anxiety. I mean, I'm talking rock through a window, fucking turbulence.

I'm talking the most accurate anxiety I've ever had in my life. What do you mean, like just replaying old fuck-ups in your life? No, this decision was a big decision that I made, but you fucked up. You now are gonna have a heart attack. You have a heart attack with day after

because you did Coke and then who are you? What kind of person are you the best cocaine? I remember vividly remembering the look of myself staring into the mirror of me seeing the cocaine and my face right there. I remember that so vividly. I was like, I'll never do it again. I'll never do it again and then cut to like three nights later. We had that little bit left. We should try it.

Yeah. I had that feeling when I lost my virginity to an older lady. And I think she was a prostitute, but she didn't charge me. But once we were finished, you know, she kind of rolls off me. We're next to each other in this hotel room in the Romano. Hold hold. I was 16. It was New Year's Eve Eve of the Millennium. So it's like, no, hold with she. Oh, I'm sure she was 55. What? Yeah, I mean, she looked like like Jennifer Aniston

after a fist fight. Like she wasn't that bad looking, but she'd seen some winters. I'll say that. And nice lady, cool lady. And maybe she was younger, but in your 16 year old brain, you think everybody's 90, you know, you think your babysitter is 58. Yeah.

And she's probably like 21 or something, but she was a catcher's middie. We'll say that, you know, she's my favorite line of this whole podcast. She's seen a few win times. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And so I remember laying there in the dark having just had my first sexual experience inner course and a the TV was on just flickering in the distance and a Disneyland commercial came on and I couldn't hear it But I remember being like what the fuck have I done? What am I doing? Who am I my whole innocence just fell out of me?

I'm like think about my parents and I'm like I got gotta get out of here and you know, I'm soft and there's Giz everywhere and we went really went at it. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, she had a fucking drawer full of everything you name it It was like bloodplugs in orlands. Yeah, yeah, and I you know I met her husband or maybe Pimp I don't know, but I had to get the fuck out of there. That, when I lost my virginity, I remember, it was very bad. I won't recount it, because I'm sure I've told it on this podcast, but it was very, it was comical at best.

Yeah. But it was traumatic at worst, meaning I was performed so poorly that I had to assess who I was. Yeah. And I remember going into this bathroom in a condo in Carolewood of a dad who was going through a divorce and had a crash pad, right? Yeah. That was where we were.

And looking in the mirror in that bathroom, I remember that house so vividly. And I remember that O'Condo. I remember being in the bathroom and looking up the mirror and going, who the fuck are you? Oh, the mirror, nothing worse than the mirror. Oh, thank you. You just get you every time. You're staring at yourself going,

what did you do, buddy? And then immediately I was like, that night, the next night I'm laying in bed going, I have AIDS and she's pregnant. I'm laying in bed going, I have AIDS, and she's pregnant. I would do the same thing, always to AIDS. AIDS? Can I tell you how fucking irresponsible the fucking,

the CDC was with this, telling everyone how AIDS worked? I know, because every commercial was AIDS, we had rent, the musical about AIDS, it was all AIDS. Magic condoms. The guy died from an aneurysm who the fucking I wrote rent. Oh, I'm an aneurysm and everyone's like it's AIDS. Yeah, it's Dude, I thought I thought first of all everyone had AIDS same

I was like you well out you gotta wear a condom you don't want to get AIDS from everyone right? Everyone has AIDS I remember my buddy had AIDS from everyone. Right. Because everyone has AIDS. I remember my buddy had, my buddy has had a lot of unprotected sex. One of my buddies. And I remember telling him,

Hey man, I'm worried you're gonna get AIDS. You're laughed at me. Yeah, yeah. I wish I could have been more meatheaded. And I was, I've always been very sensitive, over these sensitive times. But I'm also very sensitive to other people. So, like, it's not great for comedy,

but like, you know, when they said, you know, everyone can get AIDS, I believe that, I really believe that. Yeah. And I had a ton of friends that were like, no, guy, like, you're not getting AIDS from having sex with a chicken high school.

That's not happening. And I remember going, hold on, it was on 2020. I remember saying that. It was on 2020. You can get AIDS from straight sex. And they're like, it is, it marked this lasted until I was in New York.

I was 26 years old. I got a blowjob from a chick and I called my dentist. And I was like, Dentist. Wait, I hate him. I forget what a fool I am until I say it out loud. You know, you're like, I blew this guy and I think I knocked a tooth out.

And he goes, his name was Nick and I said, I said, amen, what do you know about AIDS? And he goes, I mean, not much, but a little bit. Why, like, I go, can you get it from a blow job? And he goes, no. Oh, wow. No, no, no, no, no. I didn't even know that. Yeah, he goes, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no go, can you get it from a blowjob? And he goes, no. Oh, wow. No, no, no, no. I didn't know that.

Yeah, he goes, no, no, no, no, no, no. You can't, I went and hold on. Because I let this girl suck my dick without a condom. And he goes, yeah, that's called a blowjob. Don't ever let a girl suck her dick with a condom on. This is a dentist. And I go, but yeah, but I'm worried I might have gotten contracted AIDS from her.

And he was like, okay, I have a question. I remember these exact words he goes, was there a copious amount of blood flowing out of her mouth as she was sucking your dick? And I was like, no, there was no blood. And he goes, then don't worry. Because if you punched her in the face a bunch and she, her teeth were broken and they were shattered and she was bleeding from her mouth and you were forcing your cock in her mouth. A gum job.

Then I would worry about that. Wow. But he goes, if it was just a woman sucking your dick, you're fine. And I went, and that was the last time in my life. You got worried? I worried. No, I, Leanne gives the best blowjob. Oh really?

Mine was horrible. Leanne. Alright. Alright. No, no. See your time. See your time. Leant. Alright. Alright. No, no. Seeker time, seeker time. The best blowjob. I could see that.

Seeker time. Like, one of the deal closers, one of, like, it was, she gives such a great blowjob that I remember going, I'm going to marry you. Fucker parent personality, fuck her body, fuck her face, fuck all the- All the- Fuck her face. Exactly. This fucking blowjob is, it's wet, it's the test.

It's gay. It's gay. Yeah, yeah. Mark and I are trying to come up with new words for cool. It's lunch. It was, it was, it is, you wanna know, secret? Secret time, secret time?

Secret time, secret time. I'm on the podcast at No Microphone. So, so, Leanne taught, I think, have we talked about this on the podcast at no microphone. So, so, Leanne taught, I think, have we talked about this on the podcast, Adav? I don't know what you're about to say. Leanne taught, push, how to do it. Push.

Christina, Pruss. Oh, right, right. She, have we talked about this? Wait, she gave her BJ tips? I think, I think they've talked about it on their podcast before, maybe when they took over to bears. Yeah. Wow, she got a talk to my lady. It, Leanne. about it on their podcast before maybe when they took over to bears. Yeah. Wow.

She got a talk to my lady. It, Liam. I don't want to, I don't want to, so like, I don't want to, um, give away her secret. Well, so, so here's the deal. So her, whatever, whatever, fuck it, right? Yeah, fuck it. Just call.

I mean, it's a compliment. It's compliment. She's good at it. She, her blow job is involved, right? Sure. So it's what she does is a thing called edging. Oh, I know that edging. She gets you to the point where your body's vibrating and you're holding on and then all

of a sudden, she's like, all right, now here we go. So but it's involved and so it's like, I mean, it can be like a 15 minute blowjob. Yeah. So it's a lot of work for her. So she didn't want to do it all the time. Dr. Drew's wife, they must have talked about this. Dr. Drew's, by the way, Leandh doesn't even know it's called edging. She just knows what she's doing is getting you up here. And I talked privately and I won't share everything

but I talked privately to Tom about it. And she gets you to hear and then she lets you get here and then fucks with you. Yeah. So that I'm like, Dix getting hard talking about this. I'm not joking. I'm not even joking. I'm not even joking. This is hot.

And then all of a sudden, you're like, you're making noises, you can't control, you're going, huh? Yeah. Huh? And then when you have an orgasm, it's not like just your body goes, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, like it's fucking insane. Locked. Can I get a tissue?

Holy shit. So, but she said she's like, I don't, it takes a long time. It's a lot of work on her part. But could she do it without the edgings? And just knock it out. If you, you know, you got a quick day. No, Dr. Drew's wife said, you know, sometimes you can just suck his dick a little bit

and then fuck. And because I have found that a little bit of blowjob before sex warms you up, gets your dick ready to feel. Of course. It senses, it gets your senses going and then the sex is better. So now every time we have sex, we get a little bit of that and that

and then every now and then every now and then So go down there and you can just see her put on the hard hat and clock in Oh And then and my dick is actually hard right now. Yeah, and you and you're like Here we go. Yeah, so you know It doesn't work as the opposite. We're like I'll be banging my lady and I can tell them but a finish But I don't want to finish because I want to actually satisfy her So I'll pull out and start going down on her to try to like buy me some time I'm banging my lady and I can tell them about a finish, but I don't wanna finish because I wanna actually satisfy her.

So I'll pull out and start going down on her to try to buy me some time. And it always is like, what are you doing? This is nothing. Like you're killing me here. Well you know, it's one of the coolest things is when you have sex and you're improvving. And you're like, not when you're married,

you don't always improv like that. It needs to be like a date night. You need to be in a hotel. Yeah. It needs to be drunk. So night. You need to be in a hotel. Yeah. You need to be drunk. So true. And your bed is so boring. You've done it a million times.

It's almost a rote. It's almost like, I've said some horrible things about it. But you need to do it. For me, it's about a connection. But those special times, it's actually like, I'll bring this shit. Like, oh yeah, it's a beautiful thing. Yeah, I mean, but it can't be every time, you know, it's like you can't have Christmas every day.

You got to have the normal roll over, hung over, you know, poker in the back with the boner sex. And then sometimes it's got to go balls of the wall. I remember one time having one of those nights at sex, one mornings and she was like, the lazy ones? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She was laying on her stomach

and I just kind of came up behind her and I was kissing her back or whatever and then all of a sudden I was like, I'm moving away from it. Yeah. And so I kind of, she's laying on her stomach, go in, I'm having sex with her and she's still laying there

Oh, are you awake? She was like I am did you think I was asleep? I was like no, I just halfway in I'm like are we yeah? I've heard her noise really it's so crazy because you only know Leanne is like a mom Yeah, like it's so that and I think most people only know Leanne is like it's like this like It's funny. It's funny because I've shared so much of my life that I have a hard time talking bad about Leanne on stage because people lose, I lose them. Well, she's so lovable and she's so nice and kind that this is blowing my mind, all this BJ talk.

It's like hearing Mother Teresa did anal, you know, you're like, wait a minute, I didn't know that side of you. She's that's what I fucking love about her. I said, I said it on somewhere. I don't know where I said it. She's that's what I fucking love about her. She said, I said it on somewhere. I don't know where I said it. I know I said it though. I know I told Tom. Tom pulls up, calls me one day and he's like,

hey, come outside. And I was like, all right, so I go outside and he has some McLaren. And he was like, let me take it for a ride. So we get this McLaren, we go over to the 101. He takes him on the 101 and he, I don't like it. I don't not a big Despite the fact that I'm a part owner and a race team. I'm not a big car guy Yeah, and it makes me uncomfortable. It's give me I'm scared. I'm just scared because I know that it can go wrong

And Tom loves it any fucking paddle And we go 110 miles within a quarter of a mile Yeah, Miles Power and then he gets off and I said, you know, Leanne actually is a car person. Can you, will you take her and he goes, yeah. So Leanne, he gets the end of the car and rode ahead. And he, he takes her up on the 101 and he punches it and we get back and he goes, I've never seen that side of her.

Oh really? And he goes, I said, oh, that's right. I go, that's what it's like when you have sex with her. And he was like, what? I said, that's who she is in sex. Like, she's this like put together person. Yeah. When she has sex, there is this and he goes, she was kicking the dashboard and screaming on all the fuck. Fuck you, Danny.

Fuck you, daddy. Fuck you. Oh, I said that's I go that's that's who you have. So that's that's the closest the older I have to have to have to my wife. So literally he goes he literally we get the race car and he's like, we're talking about we got to put a captain seat in it. Another seat in it. So he can have his coach ride with him.

And he was like, well, I gotta take the in around the track in this. And I'm like, yeah, it gotta take a lean around the track in this and I was like, yeah It's fun to watch your lose control. Yeah, but then I'll let him work her up and she'll come home to you We fuck that day. Hey, yeah, we actually fuck that day. There you go. She I think as you go up in the south and and That engine revenue, you know, it turns around. Yeah, Georgia shit all those what's it? Duke's a hazard? What are the secrets about your chick like like? Yeah, Georgia shit all those what's it? Duke's a hazard. What are the secrets about your check like like? She, well, I mean, I don't know how much I can say, but she, she private.

Yeah, she's cool. She's a, she's an open casket, but she's a, she likes, she likes insults and be mean to me and hold me down and you know, really degrade. Really? Yeah, which is, I feel weird doing, because I like her. Yeah. You know, degrade. Yeah, which I feel weird doing because I like her. You know, but you know. You're lazy.

Yeah, that's the weird thing. You're an educator. Yeah, not all insults are sexually like you're a bad driver. You know, your food, your cooking sucks. But yeah, it's bad. The one time we were fucking and you know, call me a whore, call me a slut, call me a... Tell me I'm this and I was like,

ah, you fucking retard. And that didn't go over well. She was like, what are you doing? I was like, ah, sorry. I'm trying to think of the meanest thing. You fucking... So that didn't fly. But yeah, she's better in bed, I think, than I am.

So it's like, I gotta like step it up. It's like when you have to follow a guy who killed, you're like, I gotta kill now. Oh, that's what Leanne's better in bed than I am. So it's like, I gotta like step it up. It's like when you have to follow a guy who killed you're like, I gotta kill now. Oh, that's fun. Leanne's better in bed than I am. Oh, yeah. Way better. Way better to the point where I think I think sometimes it's like she watches me and she's like just like she's laughed at me a lot. Yeah, that's the word me too. She laughed one time when I had my orgasm. I was like having an orgasm. He started laughing and I go, what are you doing?

That's not cool. Yeah, and I was, he said, what? It was just funny. And I was like, you know, don't, like when the guys had his most role, I was like, yeah, and you're like, you're like, one day when she has one, you can laugh at her.

I can tell you honestly, when we first started dating, we could have, I could give her orgasms from sex. Yeah. Once she had a baby, I couldn't give her orgasms from sex anymore, like from just sex. Yeah. Because you know, I mean, you're different. But Dave, it's, it's, it's like a jigsaw puzzle, Mark. The, I don't know if you know anything about the jigsaw convention happening in Las Vegas

this year, but the, it's, everything's put back together and it's not, it's like a jigsaw, but if you did it blindfolded and drunk and then they're like, it needs to be done in in a minute. Right. And you were like, or we kill you and you just push jam the pieces and that's what the vagina looks like after, after they have babies. Well, it's like, when you, you got a bag of cereal in a box and then you pour it all out and you try to get the bag back in it doesn't work, you know. It's a great analogy. It's it's it's it's it's it's it's

you know what's like. It's like a it's like imagine if you get done Thanksgiving and they're like, hey, can you put that turkey back together? Ah! Ah! You're like, it's all stuffed. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. So, and so I went, Ila was born. Ila was born. So a solid four years, two years apart. So it was solid two years, two and a half years,

with her not having an orgasm. I was watching, I got, I mean, like, you gotta be honest with everything. You're watching Cat House on HBO. Oh, I remember Cat House. And the girl on Cat House said, can I show you how to give a woman an orgasm and the guy's like, yeah, she goes, all right, go down on me and he goes down on her.

She's like, all right, take your tongue and gently flick her on my clasaurus. And I was like, am I, I had never done that. I had a move I had read in Playboy when I was in ninth grade. Not the alphabet shit. No, no, no, I did. I would, the move I did was put your lips around or draw a sucker clip in your mouth.

I heard this. And then do it there. But for some women, not everyone is the same. It will work with other chicks, but it didn't work with Leanne. Leanne was like, no, I don't buy the related Leanne. It's gonna fucking hate this episode.

Well, you said she's great and bad, you sexy. I think this is nice. They never worked on Leanne. They never worked. She didn't like it. And then I watched Cathouse. And as they said that, I went, that doesn't work. And then I thought, oh, and as they said that I went,

that doesn't work. And then I thought, oh wait, maybe I can, like it's like the first time someone says, yeah, you can leave your butter on the counter. And you're like, give it to my mom's, keeps it in the fridge, you always keep it in the fridge. Oh, right. Someone's like, yeah, but don't you like soft butter?

And you're like, but you can leave it on the counter. Yeah. Yeah, I do it all the time. You're like, I won't get sick. And you're like, oh, that's how I felt about this. So that afternoon, the next afternoon, girls are in preschool, I was down for a nap, and I, George and preschool, I was down for a nap.

But whatever I were, we're alone. We go upstairs, it's the middle of the day. Oh yeah. And I try with the woman on Cathouse said, and I mean, within a minute. Come on! And I'm like, shut the fuck up. And I'll tell you, if you're a guy

and you're thinking about how to give a woman or sex, I think you always start soft. That was my thing is I would start hard. I go in like Mike Tyson. Like going, go, go, go. And the gentle teasing, the gentle playing. And then I like, I got good at it, I'm gotten really good. But you know, Whitney Cummings one time said,

not all women like the same things. But I get so good with Leanne that I part of me goes, ah, mine's foolproof. You know what I mean? Right. But they're all different. But Nikki Glazer said that too. You got to suck the clip like it's a little dick. Because they have this tool called the womanizer,

and it's a little suction thing. Where we think it's all lick and up and down, like painting a fence, that's what I was told. Paint the fence, paint the fence, or flicker. But I think it's stuck. Like your Tom Swear. Yes, yes, say the N word, the whole thing. And yeah, it's different for everybody.

You talk about awkward one night stands. Here's one of my weirdest. I hooked this floor a year ago, Fort Lauderdale, something like that. And I hooked up with a lady, hot older mom lady, we're fooling around in their bedroom, big house, like pool, the whole thing, and turns out she's divorced, great, whatever. So we finish, and I wake up in the morning, I'm hungover, she's not there, I go out in the living room, she's making breakfast, and I was like, oh, that's fun.

And her two kids are sitting there, like 14 year old boys. And I eat with them. I have a bowl of cereal, the kid hands me the apple jacks, I pour the milk in, we're just talking, it was a Saturday of cereal the kid hands me the apple jacks. I pour the milk in We're just talking it was a Saturday morning. It was brutal and they knew what it was. I knew it was She was into it. It was weird. No, she drove me home Are you serious after we dropped them off at softball practice? She drove me to my hotel She pulls up sick mark call me when you need me to pick up Right you give me a juice box.

I hope she. That's probably in 45. Oh, that's fucking so hot. Oh, I was hot. I remember we fucked on a pile of laundry. Yeah, it was great. The only thing that would make that better is if it just came out of the drawer.

Oh, I wish. I wish. No. If that's a mom fucking move, she pulls out, she's like, comes in, she's got all the the laundry and you're in bed naked and she goes hot laundry Hot laundry could be a big one. Hey, that's that movie was hot laundry dude We used to say that to the girls whenever the girls Whenever we get done laundry the girls would be on the always on the couch watching TV or something and I come in

I go how laundry everybody yeah on the couch watching TV or something and I come in and I go, hot laundry everybody. Hot laundry, hot laundry. And I throw hot laundry on them. And it's the best feeling ever. It feels so good. It feels so good until you get a pair of jeans on a zipper gets on a little bit.

That's. And you hear a zipper, zipper, zipper. Okay, so hot laundry good, zipper is an insult. I guess it's a real zipper. Ooh. Yeah, although that might be a racial slur if I'm not mistaken. Cut that out. I think it is.

That was an accident. It's a slippery slope. I think most people watching this want to know how your brain works. Uh, I don't know, it's not pretty. But like, do you, because I know that you've gotten in trouble for the fact that you literally are unfiltered.

That it's almost like, it's almost like there's no middleman. You are CEO to bottom level employee. Like meaning like the CEO would come in and go, why is no one working? My porcelain is out of gas. I need gas. And I'm like, man, let's water that down to get some.

HR. But like your brain is so fascinating because you are the, well you and I have to say this, and there's a lot. I can't just say this because there's a lot of great comics. But like you and Sam are my two favorite joke writing comics

out there. You're just fucking everything. You already are there before anyone's thinking about it. Well, I think, I don't know about the joke writing thing, but like when I grew up, we would say crazy shit with our friends, and I thought, okay, this is funny. We're all having fun. We're being funny.

And then you would do that kind of humor on a mic or in a show, and people were like, Jesus. And I'm like, oh, this is what I thought was funny. It's like, it's like a chef being like, this is what I grew up making and you think it's too spicy. Yeah. But that's just how I grew up eating your Korean food. I'm Korean food, baby.

Korean food, that's so interesting. Cause I listen to David Cho. Yeah. Yeah. The chef is going to show on Netflix. delicious something like this. He is by the way. He is a he is a David Chang I'm sorry David Chang David Chang Talk to Aziz Ansari about what it was like to grow up You know, it's so what's so interesting is

To to back this up What's so interesting is to Back this up if you said to me 10 years ago about representation I don't think I don't understand it right I'd be like diversity. Yeah, I'd be like I'd be like no No, yeah, but they're what do you mean? I don't understand you sure but everyone isn't everyone on the same playing field Right, we don't realize it until you hear David Chang and I'm sorry. We're talking about what it was like to grow up with parents who were David Chang and Aziz, I'm sorry, we're talking about what it was like to grow up with parents who were Not first generation immigrants, I guess immigrant parents. Yeah, we're making ethnic food and then sending them to school with ethnic food Right and how it feels now To watch people

Appropriate ethnic food white people appropriate it and go Kim cheese amazing. Yeah, but but need I don't, but David Chang would have to go to school with Kim. I apologize if he's not Korean, but I don't, I'm just, I'm not stern of his, but I almost certainly is Korean. But yeah, I hate what people get mad about that. Like if you got, if you thought I was Canadian, I don't flip out. Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, well, if someone's like, he's, he's Korean. Oh, I think I'm using Kim cheese as an example.

Thank fucking God, man. We just saved our career. Yeah, thank you. I think I'm using Kim Chi as an example. Thank fucking God, man. We just saved our career. Yeah, Kim Chi, John, but he, he would go to school with Kim Chi and people would be like, what the fuck, your bag smells like shit. Yeah, and it probably did compare to Baloney sandwiches. Of course, and then now to see people celebrate Kim Chi. Right. It's gotta be fucking weird and that's your personality.

Like you're kimchi. Oh, I'll take it. Like everyone around you as a kid was eating it, loving it. And then at first take everyone's like, whoa. Right. But now people are like, dude, that's just great in eggs. Well, some people still hate kimchi and some people still hate my humor. So you're never gonna get everybody, but this is just what I grew up doing.

But it's great to have you. The good thing is that people, if we're gonna talk about David Chang and uses this as an algae, it's the same thing with your humor, David Chang's restaurant, right? It is, I don't even know if he has a restaurant right now, please, so we can promote David Chang's restaurants.

Go Chang. Because I do this guy's show is so fucking great. Great show. He's the cool dude dude DM them one time. Oh, yeah, he's got Fuku Pf Changs that's that is Fuku Moto. Hey, can you fucking just Fuku? Mama Fuku mama Fuku Fuku Moto I think these are his restaurants. They're all in New York. Yeah, he is he is one of the most He's a great follow on Instagram. Can you pull this Instagram so we can promote him only because I really love this dude

Yeah, and and watching his series I don't think it was his intention, but or maybe it was and he was like yeah I was bird and that's why more on it's like you figured feel like you figured it out on your phone But like I felt like I learned more about how to understand people and their path and their journey, but much like David Chang's restaurants Imagine someone like a real moron going I don't like kimchi. Yeah, and then standing outside his restaurant going fuck him Gee, right, right? You're like, hey man. We're not making this food for you. Yes

That's our comedy. We're making it for the people that love it. Yet there are people. Oh, yeah, we're standing outside David Chang's restaurant going like Kim cheese stupid. Yes, and he's like, okay, imagine how he would this is how you should feel about people who don't like your comedy He just he has a video on time. I'm sorry that my brain doesn't work this great. Here's a video of him making his son, I think he's a son or daughter. I'm so sorry, am I even canceled? It's a baby, so I couldn't tell, but he's making them breakfast and he's talking to his wife and they're playing the frozen soundtrack. And I thought it was his wife singing. And I was was like she has the most magical

fucking voice she's in the background and then she shows up and it's not her but I was I'm sorry well you sue I get that you sue Asian people are just they're just magical they're talented in a lot of ways you're like I was he's a great chef his wife's probably a hell of a singer when did you when did you learn when did you learn about Asia meaning Meaning growing up in New Orleans? Pretty early, it's a big continent. I've heard about it pretty soon and I saw Asian people. I was. But it was all Kung Fu, that was it, that's all we knew.

Yeah, that's my knees food. That's what I'm talking about. And Su-Shi, yeah, it was food and movies. But like, so here's my question, I phrase that wrong. Oh yeah, they buzz. Yeah. That was a stiff drink and you need to catch it. I'm trapped, but I gotta lay, I gotta pod later.

I'm trying to learn. No, no, no, no, no, don't, you know what? I would, I love you too much to let you go to Rogan fucked up. Get fucked up at Rogan. I'll get fucked up there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a little sip. I mean, I do want sip just to kill the head.

Yeah. When did you learn about Asia, meaning like, God damn it, I said the fucking same stupid question. Well, my brother was a Goth and loved Bruce Lee. He loved anime. He loved all that shit. And so I always looked at it like, oh, my brother was like a nerd.

And I was like, oh, that's, he's a lawyer now, right? Now he's a computer programmer. He's a brilliant guy. But he was into like all that kind of shit, where I like skateboarding and wrestling and all this other stuff. So I thought he was like a dweeb, you know, a goth and his fingernails are painted black,

but he loved Asian culture. Like, had a sword, you know, he loved anime, loved all that shit, and he had the books, the graphic novels. But I didn't get into it, but I was introduced to it pretty quick, and then we all loved Bruce Lee. But when did you realize the complexity of Asian culture,

meaning like, so I had Chinese food growing up, first time I was on a Fletcher Avenue, I got a poo-poo platter, I loved it, I thought it was the coolest thing in the world. Yeah, I loved it. But no register for, no idea that there were Vietnamese people. Right.

No idea that how complex Asian culture is, I just wrote it off to everyone. But I'm a kid. Everyone's Chinese, right? Yes. Then a high school I had sushi with, that was a big deal. My girlfriend, Julie, she took me to get sushi.

She was a cool chick. She was a cultured. She was about sushi. She had a hundred-prelude, right? A hundred-prelude. She was all-in. And she didn't shave the top of her legs. Like, you see blonde hairs on the top of her legs.

I remember being like, oh, that's odd. So she took me to get sushi and I love sushi. Once again, did not know it was Japanese food. Thought it was Chinese food. It was always a different type of Chinese food. College, I go to East, I take my girlfriend towards the end of college to a Chinese restaurant. We had made a bong that was six feet tall.

We call it the worm. And because of Dennis Rodman. And we took a bunch of pong hits and went to get sushi and I will ask for a poo poo platter. And they were like, we don't have a poo poo platter. I said, they're really good. Can you make one? And they're like, and they were like,

that's not one of the menu we don't have. And I went, not really sure. I said, what do you have? They said sushi. Okay, sushi's good. We got sushi. I'm being, sushi, I went, okay, sushi's good. We got sushi. I'm being, as honest as I can be, and I think the only thing you're gonna ask for me is honesty.

And I had a joke about this in, I was 29, 28, and I was with Dr. Ken, and Ken Jeong. And I ended up writing this, if you came in joke, I put them sure I could put it in special. and I was with Dr. Ken and Ken Jeong. And I ended up writing this, if you came in joke, I put them short, I could put it special. And two Asian people were at the end of the hallway at the Ontario improv and they were arguing with the security guard in, I'll just say, in their native dialect.

There you go. And I said to Dr. Ken, this is gonna sound horrible. I said, I think your parents were trying to get in. Seriously, or you joke? No, I was being dead serious. That's a good joke. And he goes, I was being dead serious. And he went, what?

And I said, are you, are you, are you, are you, are those your parents? And he went, they were older. And he was like, those two older age people arguing with the guy and they didn't speak English very well. And they were arguing with this black security guard at the end of a hallway. Yeah, and I thought I just assumed they're trying it was by the way. So the Ontario improv is that back hallway and we were back there.

There's like the green rooms here. Yeah, go out the door and there's back hallway. Yeah, so I figured they were trying to get backstage. I figured there was parents. Uh, like I figured they were trying to get backstage. That's not so bad. No, no, and then we go, there's what my parents. And I said, I said, okay, and I said, I said, what are they saying? Yes. And he goes, I don't know, I don't speak Japanese.

And I said, no, what are they kind of saying? Yeah. And he goes, what do you mean kind of saying? I said, like, are you picking up words? He goes, there are different languages. I go, no, I get that. But like, what are they, like, are you hearing words that you recognize?

Yeah. Like Italian and Spanish or like New York and Boston. And he was like, I get that, but like, what are they, like, are you hearing words that you recognize? Like Italian, a Spanish or a New York in Boston? And he was like, and he goes, I don't kind of speak Japanese, because I'm Korean, and I went, they're the same language, right? And he was like, no, no, I said it before, I'll say it again, they're different languages. Yeah, I went on stage that night, told that joke,

and was like, I literally went, I thought, I thought I was gonna get a standing ovation. I said, did you guys know that Japanese and Chinese are different languages, and the place lost it? That's funny. And I sat there, and I'm the idiot going, I said, you guys knew that? I didn't know that.

And I said, I thought it was like a tank of Spanish. Uh, uh, uh, French. No, yeah, and I said, and then it was like a tank of Spanish. Friends. Yeah. And I said, and then I turned that into a bit. It was, I turned into a bit that was a little funnier as a quicker. Yeah. That was at the moment.

And then I was 20, I was probably 27, 28. That is when I understood how the, I'm complexity is the wrong word, but the vastness of Asia. Yes, yes, it's crazy. It wasn't until I met Russell Peters and I understood Indian dudes were Asian too. I know, isn't that a mind fuck?

Because when people say I have an Asian fetish, they're never talking about Indian people. Yeah, right. Oh, by the way, I have an Asian. You got an Asian fetish? Indian women are so fucking hot. Indian women are beautiful. And like, that's the way, I have an Asian. You got an Asian fetish? Indian women are so fucking hot. Indian women are beautiful. And like, that's the one thing I fucking,

when I look and I regret my life, it was that I didn't, cause I think Asian women, I think Indian women, Indian women, Asian women, or whatever, Indian women are fucking beautiful. They're like magical. They look like princesses, their eyes glitter, and they get the hair, the beautiful black hair

But this the problem though a lot of people just if you get that wrong with the countries and all that stuff People just assume it's hateful But you're like no, I'm just dumb. I just don't know teach me because we love to call everybody racist now So quickly like I'm a rice cell the movie big daddy in the theater with two black guys two friends of mine And these white guys started fighting in the front row and arguing each other. And my black friends are like, go get your people. Go get your people.

You know, fuck it around. Tell them to shut the fuck up. You're white, they're white, tell them. And it was funny, whatever we're laughing. But I think of a white guy does, it just looks worse. Like, hey, your black goat, tell them to stop rapping or whatever. You know, but you're just trying to be funny. Also, I'm aware of the irony of the black guys telling the white guys in the movie to shut rapping or whatever. Yeah. You know, but you're just trying to be funny.

Also, I'm aware of the irony of the black guy is telling the white guy's in the movie to shut the fuck up. But still, it's not always rude and hate. It's just you look like them. I'm being ignorant for humor's sake. Yeah. Go get them. I want them.

I last night we had dinner at a place where there was two transgender people. Am I right on that, Nadav? Yes. And I will be very real. I was hardcore attracted to the one that I want to say, the dude. I think they're both, they were both born dudes. Yeah. And they're women now. Mm-hmm. And man, that bartender, she turned into something that was like out of a fucking Richard Link latter movie. Lea Thomas? No.

You know, you're just a swimmer. Lea, oh, oh, oh, I thought you said they'd go from back to the future. Lea Thompson. Yeah, I know Lea Thompson's. Hold on, we gotta stay on one thing here. BK. My buddy's dating Leah Thompson's daughter.

Wow. And yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he told me, or, I forget her name, Zoe. It's her name is Zoe. My buddy's dating her. And he told me, and I told me,

and I was like, I'm not really good with like young actors and actresses. Me neither. And he told me. Hey David's in his. Well, that's the weird thing we're getting older now. So like hot women when I was younger have hot daughters that are like of age.

He told me and I kept going, hold on. Hold on one second. Your girlfriend's mom is from back to the future. And he and he was like, yeah, why did you watch that movie? And I was like are you fucking kidding me? And I kept going and he goes yeah Yeah, yeah, but my girlfriend's a very successful actress also I go fuck that her mom is fucking and then he goes her dad's Donnie Deutsche and I go whoa Jimmy Tato is his name. And by the way, I apologize, Jimmy,

if these are all secrets, I'm so sorry. But like, I didn't even know they were married. Dude, how hot is Danny? Donnie toys just gorgeous. Leah Thompson. Great, honey. Leah Thompson, Thomas. Thompson.

Is gorgeous? Oh yeah. And by the way, their daughter is a very attractive young lady. But like, wow, what a couple. There she is. Dude. Cute, cute lady. She was in everything for a while.

She was. Ben, she still sells the boat in my opinion. Oh yeah. She's hot laundry. Hot laundry. Ha ha ha ha. Wait, what were we talking about before we got on this Marty McFly's mom?

I have no idea. For hunting dudes, I think. What? What was it? I think it was Bert being attracted to a dude. Oh, the trans ladies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what's fun about trans people is, you know, a lot of women get mad if you objectify them.

You know, like, hey, hottie, they're like, hey, you don't objectify me, but if you objectify trans women, everybody loves it. Cause you're like open-minded, I guess. Oh, I was, I was definitely're like open-minded, I guess. Oh, I was definitely down for objectifying our bartender. Yeah. If she was very sexy and kind of clearly trans, that makes sense, right?

Yeah. Right? Some are very, it's like talking about something. I'm sorry, it's not in the dollop about it pretty aggressively. You know, yeah, you yelled it into my ear thinking you were whispering. Nah, that's what you, yeah. That transture is fucking hot.

Yeah, she looked like, honestly, like she was out of a rick, with your link letter movie. Berwiss Hamri's like, look at that transformer. Oh, I love to fuck her. But it's so funny, but when we're talking about, but I wish people understood, and okay, I know this is gonna be a horrible statement and you can take this out of context.

But the enthusiasm to show someone you're not a bad person is an authentic enthusiasm, especially for whitey. Yeah, with your white guy, and like you're sitting next to a person of color sometimes, there is a, there is like, I wanna let you know I'm not one of the four ones. But you don't wanna go too far. So the key is not to speak at all.

Yeah. The key is to ignore them. If you ignore them, you're treating them equal. Exactly. Cause you would ignore a white person. Exactly. I would whip it on a white person. I'd spit on him.

I'd call him the N word. Yeah. It's a white person. Exactly. I would whip it on a white person. I'd spit on him. I'd call him the N word. Yeah. It's a full circle. That's funny. You call it black guy, the N word like, no, I would do the same like that. Yeah, I would do the same like that. This is, I'm treating you in this equal.

But it's true is like you would authentically ignore a white person. You would never talk to them. 100%. But if you're sitting there sitting there sitting there and a plane and he pulls out Kim Chi, you have this compulsion. It's a compulsion is a white person

Tolena will go, I actually love Korean food. I know. And it's the fucking gringiest thing you can say. I know. But it's better than the other way. But I think what hey, you fucking. It's better than like, ugh, the fuck is that shit? Yes.

But what I think, two white guys explaining race, what I think the key is to just ignore him entirely. Well, and no, no, but that's how you, that's equality. It's like, it's like, it's same with hot chicks. Treat them as fat chicks. Right. Like if you said it's a hot chick, it's the same. That is it.

Tell me if I'm right on this. Okay. It's the same impulse you have when you sit next to a beautiful woman. Sometimes there's a hot chick, it's the same, that is it. Tell me if I'm right on this. Okay. It's the same impulse you have when you sit next to a beautiful woman. Sometimes there's a white person. I can't wait to go up to a next hot chick I see you go, what's up pig? Ha ha ha ha.

See how that goes. All right, sorry. You know, it's, it's, sometimes you sit next to a hot chick you wanna talk to her. You wanna say hi, you wanna? Of course. Interact. Sometimes we sit next to like, like a, like a black dude. Like, especially like, I like, I sat next to say hi, you want it? Of course interact sometimes we sit next to like like a like a black dude like especially like I like I said next to

I said next to Kalamunzo Kalamunzo one time is a Tied in for the Characters back in the day and his is a bunch of sons or a son that had played to well That's a celebrity too. That's a little different. Wow that guys guy's... No, that's Kellyn, this is son. I think he says legal problems. I said that's Kellyn's though. And I had an impulse to talk to him. I wanted to talk to him in a weird way.

He's like, I don't know. It's hard to explain. Maybe I'm not saying it right now. Well, I think audience is have that too. I think if I walk on stage, it's kind of like, all right, well, let's see what this guy's got. I think of a black guy, an Asian guy, even a beautiful woman. The audience is like, well let's see what this guy's got. Put it, I think of a black guy, an Asian guy, even a beautiful woman.

It, the audience is like, well, let's, this'll be interesting. I think it perks him up a little bit, which is why it's good to have a diverse show. I didn't realize this. I'm really bad with recognizing diversity or stuff, stuff like that, but I'm just, I'm blind to it. I like, isn't that, but I'm just, I'm blind to it.

I like, isn't that equality in a weird way? I, I, it will, yeah. So like we're on tour and someone was like, you know, on my tour bus, someone was like, yeah man, I love, they complimented me on my diversity hiring. And I went, huh? Yeah. I was like, I don't do that. I went, huh? Yeah.

I was like, I don't do that. I mean, like, I don't, like, I don't do that at all. I don't do that at all. It's not like, it's not my wheelhouse. I'm not, I'm not aware of that. Yeah. And Ron, my port dress bus driver was like, you got like two white dudes on this tour.

And I was like, what? He's like, well, man's is a Indian. Oh, yeah. Shane is Mexican. Hey, Zeus is Mexican's is Indian. Oh yeah. Shane is Mexican. Hey, Zeus is Mexican. I'm black. Well, I was like, I was like, I didn't do this on purpose, guys. Yeah.

Like you guys would just, my favorite people. Let's get, and so, and so in a weird way, you go, the other day I looked at the fucking lineup for fully loaded. It's, it's a lot of women. Three women, three men. There you go. And I went, I didn't do that. I definitely didn't do that.

No, I mean, I'm being dead serious. But you did do that. No, but I did. But you're not consciously. Whatever, like, who do you want on the tour? And I was like, I go, I know I want. Number one was a tell. I wasn't going like, I need a Jewish man.

Right. I went, David tells the best comic. I know. I agree. He's my, my goat. He's my white whale. Yes. I want David's tell.

And then they're like, well, so I go, literally the list was, obviously Mark Norman. No, I'm being like, obviously, because you know, anytime I do a big show, I always want there. I appreciate you. Mark Norman, Nikki, I go, I'll fucking fortune would be fun as fun.

I'm a toilet, I'm a tour with Taylor. Yeah. A tour with Taylor, not as a, as a diversity hire, but she is, she's a killer. She is without a doubt. One of the funnest comics working. Yeah. And so is Nikki.

So is fortune. I go, big J. Oh, sour be cool. He's pouring in and then, and then, and then, and then they're like, great. Let's start there and we'll see where we go. Yeah. I tried, I, and by the way, I'm the initialist and I, not, I'm not going to say the names that passed. You need a black, I think. Well, I, I, I'm by the way, the initialist, and I'm not, I'm not gonna say the names that passed. You need a black, I think. Well, I went to four.

Oh, you went to four. But my real second, second, second, I'm not gonna say his name because I don't wanna, you know what I mean? It's like, if you wanna pass, pass, and I won't bring a share. But, you know, I'm obviously my first, don't, damn it. Oh, sorry, sorry.

Just leave it, just leave it. Yeah, and so I went to him. I went to, obviously, I've had the people I've worked with in the past. There's a few people that I worked with in the past on my television projects, on Netflix. I went to all of them, but it was, I went to a bunch of people, but I didn't do it.

I didn't do it in like a, give me one of these. Yes, yes. Like I think that maybe is that's we hiring somebody based on their skin color or or or is it a Gina or gay? It's super weird. That's what Hollywood does. I know. And a weird way the real diversity is in comedy clubs. Maybe, maybe not. I don't know. But like we comics just see funny. Yeah. And it has the opposite effect.

We're now, I watch a lineup and I go, I wonder if he's here because of this, or if he's here because of he's in a wheelchair, he's trans or whatever. And it, like, back in the day, I used to just watch Richard Pryor or watch Ellen or watch Kale Burnett and I wasn't like, I'm watching a woman, I'm watching a black guy.

Look at me, it was just, this is funny. I'm dude. It makes you think it the other way now. I saw Greer Barnes the other day. Oh, dude beast. Dude, tough follow. Greer Barnes, Greer Barnes. I was a little buzzed and all I could say was the funniest man in this room, the funniest man in this sit, this is my words to him. I grabbed him. He gave me like a handshake hug, you know or dapper whatever and it said I said funniest man in this room funniest man in this city funniest man on the planet those are my three things I said to him he is

Without a doubt if you've never heard a grier Barnes That man, he murders. The room is different after that. The room's different. Yeah. You can't follow it. That guy, you wanna talk about big dick energy. Yeah.

He walks on stage and he sucks you in. Yep. He holds you there until he decides he's done with you. When he's done, he lets you go. Yeah. When you come on stage after him, you're going like, um, I'm not bleeding down my leg. Brother fuck go. Yeah, when you come on stage after him, you're going like Bleeding down my leg. Mother fuck

We're poor is this the fucking funniest dude. He's the funniest guy and he's just He's like a such a pro like he's been there for 20 years and I've never seen him have a weak set or rough set It's never I'm never turn a room and I have to follow them all the time and it's a nightmare. The Greer Barnes is fucking us murder. Yeah, murder killer. I'm bleeding. How my leg? What happened? I have no idea. Oh, oh shit. Yeah, he really is bleeding. Look at that. All right, maybe let's wrap. All right. All right. All right. Uh, thank you for doing this. Hey, this show is hot laundry. All right, all right. Uh, thank you for doing this. Hey, this show is hot laundry. Um, uh, do you have anything to plug?

Sure. Well, check out the fully loaded fest. First of all, fullyloadedfestival.com, uh, two weeks in June in the middle of June, Mark Norman, Jay Bigger, and Nikki Glazer Taylor Thomas, and Salvo Colno, David Tell, uh, who am I forgetting? Myself? I think he got him. I got him.

Fortune? Fortune Femestor. There you go. All right, I got two pockets. Well, we might be drunk, which you did an epic three hour one. It's doing great views, by the way. Oh, for real. You cried.

I did? Yeah, it was crazy. You cried about a Whitney Houston story. I think you killed her. And Tuesday's with stories, me and Joe List, I got a special on YouTube out to lunch, got a thing on Netflix called The Standups. And oh, I have my Patreon called all over the road.

I've been doing my own Patreon now. What is, is that like a vlog type thing? Vlog type thing, yeah, like a Casey Neistat. But I do videos, I do my own podcast on on the road just in the hotel with a zoom and it's getting real personal And it's it's a lot of fun. I Know John Manzel subscribe to that. Oh get on it, man. See you fucking Indian I didn't know you were Indian now. I think differently about you. He'll tell you he's Mexican also. Ah, he's dark. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Awesome. Thank you. No, he taught me, miss you, Tommy. Tommy, thank you. See you next week. Bird, time, time and bird. One goes top and swap the other. Where's the shirt?

Tom tells stories and birds, the machine. There's not a chance and hell that they'll keep clean. Here's what we call, two bears one cave. No scripts to bid a booze amateur, Fatology, dirty jokes, ronchi humor, no apologies. Here's what we call, two bears one cave. you