2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 134 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: May 23, 2022

On this episode of “2 Bears, 1 Cave,” Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer discuss hatmaking, Bert’s experience hanging with Christy Mack, Tom’s ad campaign he did with Jared Fogle, athletes who cheat on their spouses, Melissa Villasenor and Selena Gomez’ “chola” SNL sketch, and more. The Bears also take a test to see if they’re racist, and the results may surprise you! https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://www.bertbertbert.com/bertyboytourhttps://store.ymhstudios.com/

Alright, I told you that I'm coming everywhere. World Tour was actually going to take place at places all over the world and I didn't lie. I'm coming to Australia and New Zealand. The pre-sale starts Wednesday, May 25th at noon. Local time, the pre-sale code word is Tommy, T-O-M-M-Y. General on sale starts the next day, Thursday, the 26th at noon. Local time, go to TomSkah.com slash tour for tickets. We climbed a mountain, we went to Breckenridge, I haven't talked to you in so fucking long.

I know, it's been a while, man. It's been a while. We took a day off and I was like, I was like, oh, did I tell you I'm not racist? You have not told me this is one of the things that we've always debated. No, no, no, well, here's- I'm telling you too much right now. 100% Here's I'm telling you too much right now Benvenuto all the show I owe you a cami charnero Birthday crash

I can I can speak I can speak like like from the hip Italian. I think from that's how it started From the same say something to me in English. I'll translate I'll Italian without even knowing it. Okay. Just got off the bus. Okay The boss Right that's really good. I think of you use your hands and I'm an Yeah, I don't drink that much in the morning I think if you use your hands enough, I don't drink that much in the morning. Hey, Thomas, Thomas Dean. Hey, guys, that morning I sunrise. That's good.

So, who do we got, son? You were at DL Hucleys house getting this hat and then what happened between leaving there and coming here? Dude, I found in Warrruri, no, it wasn't in Rillo. San Antonio. San dude. I found in Where we ever know was an emerald San Antonio San Antonio. I'm you're welcome I found two of the coolest places next door to each other Paris Hatters and this place a dividing conquer two places dividing conquer I'm gonna have the guy make you a leather jacket those jackets were tight dude They are pull his shit up.

They are awesome. So Paris Hatters is like a hundred years old. They made Stetsons. Here's the real coolest thing about Stetsons, I didn't know. Okay. You can pick your hat to be anything you want it to be. They have, hats are, I never knew this. You just said it like somebody are, I never knew this.

You just said it like somebody said, I didn't know. When you order a sandwich, you can tell them to take the tomatoes off. That's the way that's the truth. Hats come as like a big bulb with a big, big brim. It's just like a planned thing. But this is a new hat style for you. This is, oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, usually do caps, I see you do Fedoras. What are these called? This is a Catalman's pinch. So, you just go in and you tell them everything you want. So, I went into the place, well, first it started with, I was starting another hat place in Nashville. The lady that's been on a lot of trouble for her comments.

Gigi, she's a cool check, I know her. Wait, she's been in trouble for a while. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, her Wait, she's been in trouble. Oh, yeah This is a catworms. We don't know how to what this is a salesperson. Who are we talking about? Oh, no, no No, she owns a she owns a really great hat shop in Nashville and she was like I don't like a certain kind of shopper I'm not gonna put words in her mouth. Okay, but I've never been there, so I don't give a fuck. I know her. I know her. I came in way before I knew this happened.

Okay, and I got my first hat that I wore my- What you get in trouble for? I googled her in the dog. And then what's her name? I think it's Gigi, I think. I'm pretty sure. Gigi Nashville hats. Hat works.

Okay. She wrote Gigi. Yeah, okay. um, she wrote G.G. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I would go G.I. G.I. Yeah. Okay.

Okay. That's the, it's. So news, maybe hit news. Yeah. G.G. Gaskin. She's a really cool woman. She is, she got,

I'll go back to the, go hit news on that search. Okay. She's anti-vaxxer. She's an anti-vaxxer. Oh, she's not just anti-vaxxer. She's anti-mask. Yeah. Look, I'm not going to defend her. I would let her do that for herself. Okay. And I don't want to politicize this. But like, when they did the mass mandate and shut down small businesses, she was like, hey, you're going to fuck me. Yeah. I need you're gonna fuck me.

I need you're fucking me. And so she went to Facebook and said a bunch of stuff and then I think people started attacking her and then she was like back against the wall. By the way, I know her. She was a very, very, very nice lady. She is very helpful. Every time I've gone into this place,

and I just went in recently when I did the rhyming and the opera, I went in. And she was the one that explained to me, I have just a bunch of hats, what tell me what you want, and I'll just make the hat. And I went, what? And she said here, and she just kind of gave me a blue hat, it has a Richard Petty feather on it,

so it feathers back, it's really cool hat. And I was like, what? She was like, yeah, I have like a raw hat. Raw hat's just like a big bulb. It looks like that almost, like that, like that, that, that coffee color one, right? No, it's at the right. It looks like that.

It's like a big ball. And then they go in and they press it for you. She said, Gigi said to me, which, what do you want? Do you want like a fedora pinch? And I was like, sure. So she gave me like a fedora pinch on this, on like a cowboy hat. It was a cowboy hat.

And then she goes flat brim. And then she was like, I don't think you'll like the rounded edge. And I was like, okay. And I got it. And then I was like, I kind of wish I'd round it the edge. That would have been cool.

So then I go in to, I go to, I'll tell you about the guy that does divide and conquer. But when I go into this parasite, I go, hey, can you make me a cowboy hat? I want a cowboy hat. Like I want the Catamans pinch, and I want the round, but I want it to feel like I live in the Southwest. Like I want to feel like I'm an artsy,

and so then they put these feathers in, and this thing, and I fucking love this hat, I can't wear it on stage, because the lights, it covers my face. That was exhaust, sorry. It face. That was exhausting. Sorry. So. But yes, but I like this handlebar. Okay, that's a good hat.

It's a good hat, it's a good Texas hat. It is, it is. And it's like, it's very, it's very birdie boy. It's, it's very, I'm, dude, I'm like really into it. You got Lakers jersey on, like a jersey. Well, there's my new look for the summer. Oh, this is gonna be for the, Oh, for the summer, it's just sleeved, it's all summer. Sleevedless, all summer fully summer. Oh, this is gonna be for the summer. Just sleeve this all summer

sleeveless all summer fully loaded. Yeah, and you've been training. I've been lifting weights like crazy. What's like crazy? Like crazy is four sets of side front and then this and then biceps triceps bench press and how often you do that every day every day Wow, I'm pounding it buddy. I'm gonna measure my body right now, and I'm gonna get smaller That's my goal get smaller. I'm gonna be so fucking jacked for I haven't had a red ball in a while, by the way. Yeah. These things fucking I think it's working. I'm I'm gonna be so jacked for fully loaded. This isn't starting a month. Two weeks, three weeks, yeah. You're gonna be jacked. I'm gonna be fucking jacked. Okay. I'm gonna be jacked. I'm gonna be bad.ed. Okay. I'm gonna be jacked. I'm gonna be bad. Jacked. I'm going to see the doctor tomorrow or Wednesday.

Oh, you're gonna go see my guy? Yep. Are you nervous? T-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-. I started cutting and cutting t-shirts in its angtops Yeah, sure sleeveless the whole fucking stuff. Yeah, dude. Yeah, I like having a look, you know No, I see that yeah, it's fun to it's fun to have a look and try it out. Yeah Yeah, it is I look good in basketball jerseys, don't I? I was in my first thought. I look great in basketball jerseys I didn't whoa, whoa, whoa, go back to my solo watch these arms it up. What the Wow ripped

My baby arms didn't come back wait. Oh, no, never mind. I thought this was my I'm seeing it backwards Okay, looking good. So yes, so that guy Javier that owns that divine conquerer. I'm gonna hit him up He does shirts handmade. Waiowatas that are beautiful, beautiful. And then he goes, I also do jackets, and I was like, Tommy, yeah. I wanna jacket. What do you want in a leather jacket?

Do you want, what do you want in a leather jacket? That's a really good question. I mean, there's different styles that like, I've been wearing some stuff more with collars, you know, this isn't a jacket, but like just to mix it up So I do like the you know sometimes just like the bomber round to style I've been doing stuff with collars just mixing up different styles so for leather I just fucking I'm out of my mind with jackets I have a real problem you love jackets. I do and I just fucking bought a

Leather white jacket Where can I see a picture of it? I don't have I'll bring it tomorrow. Oh, you need something this jacket's insane I'm like, why did I buy this and I oh man? God, I love the Google sir. I mostly women wear the jacket. I told you I spent on it too You'd be upset really yeah Yeah, it's fucking crazy. And I'm like, wait, and I had it altered. So it's mine.

Oh, he said to measure you, and he said to measure you, and he will make you a custom jacket. He's in Santa, when are you in Santa Antonio? Do you know? I already did it for the tour, but I mean, Santa has an hour from here. Oh, really? Yeah.

Oh, you can drive it over. Yeah. And then, but what mean, Santa is an hour from here. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, you can drive it over. Yeah. And then, and then, but what are you thinking? Like, do you want like, do you like the like, because it's, I'm not a leather jacket guy. Yeah. Because it's like, it's like, they're kind of like, it's tough to do a great, but here's the thing, they have different texture. Like, there's the thick ones, you know, that are like tough to move in. And then there's like soft leather, where it almost feels like cotton, worn.

Those are very, it just depends on the season and the look you're going, I've had, I have one jacket that I bought in Argentina in 2000 and one? I still have it. It's fucking dope. Like leather jackets. I have all my leather jackets from the first leather jacket

I got was in New York how when it was it 1999 you still have it. I still have it To defend put it on every night. Yeah, well It was back when you got one leather jacket. It was like an Excel. Yeah, and it was from banana republic Yeah, it was like had buttons here like the buttons where you'd like and yeah I've been has three buttons and yeah has three buttons and it was like the one that went like the buttons where you'd like, and I would have- Yeah, listen has three buttons in real. Yeah, it has three buttons and it was like the one that went like mid-thigh. Okay, that was a fucking bad jacket.

Yeah, this one's a little longer too. I mean, I don't know, I think I could, I'd rock a jacket, I love jackets. Really? Jacket season and coats, fuck, we're out of winter now, but I went coat crazy. I was like, I fucking love it, I did, dude. I love it, I love it. Call me coat. Call me coat crazy. I fucking love it. I did, dude. I love it.

I love it. Call me coat. Call me coat crazy. I like, I've been getting into basketball jerseys a lot. Like basketball jerseys were fun. That's a whole other thing. You know why? Because I was watching winning time on a page.

That would happen to you. Yeah. You're like winning time, you order like 16 jerseys. West, cream, magic. You did you order them all? I ordered 250 dollars for pop. I fucking, you ordered like 16 jerseys. West, cream, magic. You did, you ordered them all? I ordered 250 dollars for pop. I'm fucking, these are the, these are the authentic ones from Mitchell and Ness.

Yeah. And so I went, I got everyone. I got everyone and then I even got like the shorts. I wanted to get the warm-ups. Like, because I just got, such a cool series to why are you watching it? No, I have not watched it. You'll tear through it.

You'll tear. I've heard, I've heard good things about it. It makes you fall in love with Jeannie Bus and it makes you love Jerry Bus. I know that, I don't think he likes it. I don't think he likes it. Jerry Bus. He likes it.

He's dead. No, he's still alive. Dr. Jerry Bus? Yeah, he's still alive, right? He died a few years ago. No. He was a play poker the other night. Nope. Yep. Nope, he was a play poker the other night. Nope. Yep

Nope, pretty serious 2013. Yep. He died nine years ago. Wow. He definitely did die Well, I guess it doesn't matter if you like so I like it. Yeah Yeah, it's interesting It's funny yet It's really interesting. I've been talking pretty heavily like you still lot to people. I could see you doing that.

Yeah, but yeah, so I got a bunch of basketball jerseys. I got a car on the loam when I was in Utah. Like I got, it was fun. I don't know. I don't know. I love that era of basketball the most. I don't mean winning to, I'm saying, well, it makes sense. It's like when I was a kid so like the

The late 80s through the 90s NBA to me is like it is the greatest and I watch on YouTube all the time I watch all the time the highlights and the people talking about those games like every I ran into Barclay this weekend and Wait hold on start all over what you ran into Charles Barclay. Yeah, yeah, where he was chilling at the hotel and you just go up, start all over. What? You ran into Charles Barkley? Yeah, yeah. Where? He was chilling at the hotel. And you just go up and be like, what's up? Yeah. Do you know you? No. But did he talk to you?

Super nice. Couldn't be nice. Shot the fuck up. Yeah, yeah. But like, when he played that, you know, when he was with Philly and the son, that was the shit. And it was like, and like, you know, the pistons, the bad boys, the bulls run, like that whole. I love that era so much.

Okay, is it because we're kids? Yeah, it's a big, I'm trying to watch the playoffs now. Yeah, and I just don't have any emotional attachment. Of course, which is why it doesn't matter. And the players are unbelievable today. They really are. They really are. But the game is different.

And look, these guys were savages, man. I mean, you watch highlights in the in the 90s of NBA. I mean, they would take people, they would throw elbows into your face and they wouldn't call a foul. Yeah. They would just fucking keep playing. I remember the feeling, I wish I could get, I wish I could recapture the, the year Michael Jordan won the dunk contest. 88. That was when basketball for me was at its peak. That was the beginning. But that was when I was like the most in love with basketball.

And I remember watched they did a highlight reel. Yeah. And I recorded it and I must have watched it on VCR. And I must have watched it a hundred times that Dr. J when he goes back from behind the thing and then up around Dr. J was the best in this thing Dr. J pulls magic Johnson inside. Magic Johnson is cheating right and I'm so glad I don't cheat on my wife. Just the fucking lies you've got to keep up. Like, so Dr. Jay, Magic Johnson comes up and he goes, but me it's just like, it's so, it's like, it's something that I can see people doing

because you get depressed on the road. Yeah. I'm so glad I'm not. I'm sure. I'm sure that I don't. And Magic made you think about this. Because Magic goes, he goes, where's Cookie? And Dr. Jay's wife is with Dr. J and they see magic. And she goes, hey, where's Cookie?

And he goes, oh, she got sick from the shrimp last night. Must have some bad shrimp. And Dr. J's wife goes, cool. And walks away and he goes, hey, young blood. They don't serve shrimp here. And he was like, oh, and he goes, man, you got to do better than that. And Dr. J like tells them how to cheat.

Like, he's like, he's like, he's like, is Dr. J cheating? You know, Dr. J cheating a lot how to cheat. Like, he's like, he's like, it's Dr. J cheated. You know, Dr. J cheated a lot. What? I don't know. But, I mean, I don't know either. I know. I know the NBA players are, I mean, they have it like,

no, but I think it's actually, we're past the era of where it could happen the most. Social media era is different. Right. Like I'm saying, everybody has a camera on them, phones everywhere, but that 70s, 80s, not just, I mean, NBA, wild, but everybody, golf, they're supposed to be the biggest push-hounds.

Really? Absolutely. Baseball teams, or baseball players. Baseball players. Big time, right? I've heard some funny shit about football players that like, I know a football player who told me that there's another guy on his team

who keeps a phone plugged in at the clubhouse where they work out and that's like his secondary phone so that he can just talk to chicks on that and he just leaves it there. Yeah. Oh wow. I got a burner phone. Yeah, for that.

Yeah. For my bitches. Yeah. No, that would be. I mean, but imagine like being like on top of everything. World famous. You're like one of the three best at what you do in the world. They should have been a word.

And you fuck like crazy like like magic. And then you test positive for HIV. Like, it's not they're not like, hey, you got the clap. They're like, you're gonna die now. Do you remember when he got AIDS? Of course. And you were like, you were like, was that 91? It had to be, I was in college.

It was when I was in college, definitely. When did I go? I went to college in the 90s. I think it was 91. You know, November 7, 1991. I remember being like, no, I'll tell you, there's a few things I still can't believe. Magic Johnson getting AIDS, right?

Like I remember that. And I still do this day of a hard time believing Jared Fogo fucks kids. Like I just go no fucking way. Like I still to this day go, he's still in jail. Like that guy. It's crazier to me that I split a pizza with him. With Jared Fogo.

Oh that's right. Yeah that's right. I shared a pizza with him at the W Hotel in New York. And we spent like, we spent five days shooting commercials. God. Like we spent time together and you know I mean I remember it so well because he was such a you know well-known you're like really happy. And you know I just remember how poorly those like me and the director really hated each other. I remember that. And he was, oh my god, we really did not.

You're the director, didn't you? We didn't talk shit about him and your mic was on. Yeah. I love it. And then he talked shit to me. And then I talked shit back to him. And then it was like the second day, he was like, finally, like now this is who we hired.

You know, I'm like, not that shit you're going yesterday. I'm really like this motherfucker. And then yeah, because I told the producers while I was mic'd up, I was like, hey, when we shoot like a bunch of these, you're gonna have different directors, right? You're not just gonna have this fucking clown doing it.

I love that about you. I love that. My favorite thing about, you know what I'm just, I've been trying to work this bit out because I don't understand why people like you. Like I know why I like you. But I know I don't mean that bad, but I mean like I know why I like you,

but I like you for reasons you don't share with everybody, right? Like I was trying to explain to someone, I was trying to explain, maybe I was doing this on a podcast, but I was like my favorite thing you ever do, no one gets to see but me. And it's when someone does something out of the social norm that is irritating to you and you just shoot eyes like, that's my favorite thing. That's my favorite thing.

My other favorite thing is you have this, since I've known you, you've had this insane, like knowledge of self worth, that I don't have, where you have no problem saying, this club manager is an idiot. Like I just work with the idiot and then hope the idiot likes me. You're just like, yes, she's incompetent. And she's a whore, we need to get rid of her.

And you're like, everyone's like, wait, you're just featuring and you're like, I don't care. I'm telling you what's happening. Like the fact that you would look at a director as a hired actor and go, go up to the producers as a hired actor and go, you're getting different directors, right? I know.

I love it. But that's like one of my favorite things about you. But not everyone gets to see that. Like I feel like it's like it's like a I don't know that give Go out to dinner with your wife and with other people and then you see her turn on stuff of like of like her doing her character Versailles love you again. I go bitch. I'm done yoga in 20 years, right? Yeah, yeah You did it one before we met only you had a run when they turn on their personality Yeah, and then and then like I love your wife, I'm like, you don't even know her.

Like, you didn't get to know her. Like, I know her. So when somebody, has she got to let you, has she got to let you? When somebody, you're not a big accomplishment, and then she takes your feet out from under you just to put you back in your place, has she done that to you? Because I love her, and she does that to me. I love her, I love her, I love her.

I love her. I wanna fucking tell you so many secrets right now. Cause I haven't seen you since I did the Greeks since I haven't seen you forever. By the way, I have never. All right, hold on. So this goes back to So if somebody's like, I like Tom. You're like, oh really? Yeah, you don't even know him. Like when they go like they'll go they like in the audience, I had a joke about you and someone goes, I love Tommy Buns. I go, you don't even know him. And then I go, I know him, but I know him, I like him. It's hard to explain, it's like, it's like when you don't,

like, I don't know. I'm not, it's not making sense, but it's like, it's like, because I think I get it. I think you're funny, but what I, that's extra. My favorite moments of view is like, when the guy goes, when you're in the real chair and we're in that transport and the guy goes, what do you guys do for a living?

And I go work comedians and he goes, oh, you wanna tell me a joke? I go, tell me a tell me a joke. You look on your face. That's my favorite look you've ever had. Or when Leanne came in and you were laying in your thing and your arm was broken and your knee was broken and push me, do muffins with Nutella.

And Leanne said, you're about to get fat as fuck. The look on your face at that moment, it's my favorite fucking look at it. She was like, it's gonna take you down for a long time. It's gonna be a long road back. You're about to get fat as fuck. And you just went, like, it's like, yeah. I know.

And then all the other stuff, you look at me like, I live with her. Yeah, oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Remember when you got the, when you got the movie and you got the script and then she goes, how do you feel about your acting? Yeah. I'm, I can't even get into detail.

I can't even get into detail. Yeah. But because there have been so many times. This is er, yeah. I love my wife very much and I don't cheat. And I don't fucking cheat in Christie. Matt came to my show. Yeah. Yeah, so you finally, because she came to my show.

Yeah, she told me. And while I'm in Jersey. And then there was so funny because she posted the next day, she goes, I, I went to, she posted a thing where she was like, like, looked, like, you know, just exhausted. And she's like, Bert, Chrysher, kept me talking to 4 a.m. I feel like I look worse than after a triple gang bang. Yeah. Or I'm more tired than yeah.

She is, it was awesome. So these two people I do not know, stuck into my green room. I don't know how they got in there. Really? They walked in with her. I thought she knew them, that she did not know them. They just came in and then they sat with us. And she was Christie Mc Mac presentation, right?

She was, she was, yeah, no, that, yeah. You'd ask, we'd ask her about a porn star. She'd go, lovely person, lovely person. And then the second she laughed, and I was like, I said something about, I'm shocked you really liked that person, and she goes, oh, we can be honest, right? And I was like, yeah, she goes, she's a fucking cunt. And I'm like, you really like that person. And she goes, oh, we can be honest, right? And I was like, yeah, she's a fucking cunt.

And I'm like, wait, what? And so we went through the list of like, like, who friends of hers that, you know, she was just awesome. And like, everything about it. But it does strangers leave. This strangers left. They got up. They were like, they were like sitting there.

And one guy goes, well, we got to get up early for school tomorrow. And then he said, they just left. And we were like, who the fuck were they? Anyway, she was awesome. She was awesome. I don't want to, I'm trying to not be a party snitch, which is I think what I do. Definitely, that's the way you do.

Because I, it's like, I meet Aaron Rogers one time and then I tell him, I say everything that ever happened with him at that moment. And Aaron Rogers, I'm sure it's like, hey man, I like this little privacy. And I'm like, oh, yeah, it's not the guy that I got. We're splitting you. Right. And then now I know celebrities will never want to meet me little privacy and I'm like, oh, yeah, it's not the guy that I got. It was putting you right. And then now I know celebrities

will never want to meet me because I'll tell them everything they do. So I'm trying to be discreet suffice to say she was, she was cool as fuck. She, because when we did the live stream with her, I remember you saying like, you know, there's some, you know, she was, there were some boundaries and like,

she was pretty direct. She didn't want to say, she was like, yeah, some boundaries and she was pretty direct. She didn't wanna see, she was very... Yeah, she was very... She was super professional. She was fun. She laughed and she added things to the script. We just gave her, you know, we were reading scripts that each of us had written

and different people playing it. So mine was with her and she was great. She was awesome. But it's the thing, but the thing that a lot of these ladies have fallen into is they did porn for like six weeks. That's the thing. I remember that that came from that conversation with her.

She was like, you know how long I did it for it? And I think it was like a few months. See I was like eight months. Yeah, that's it. Eight months. She's like everything that you've seen ever of me is in those eight months. Yeah. And that is insane.

Yeah. The real crazy one is Mia Khalifa.. Yeah. And that is insane. Yeah. The real crazy one is Mia Khalifa. That was like, Mia Khalifa did it for weeks. Like six days. Yeah. And fucking, and now she can't shake that moniker of course she's trying to. She's like a legit sports journalist, I think. Yeah, I think, I don't know what she.

She's very pretty. Yeah. That is wild how famous she got from that and that did it for this just fraction of a period of time. And then you look at the writer dies, like Lisa Annis, like still fucking, I think she's, I maybe she is out of it, but like, like there's, I gotta be honest with you, there's a couple, like I know,

I follow this young lady on, on Instagram, she said, DJ, she's a great DJ, Carter Cruz. She did porn for a short period of time. Her and that other girl, Jessica Andrews, they both did it for like a short period of time and then got out of it. Jessica Andrews designs jewelry as a DJ, and but it's crazy. That one period of their life, it almost defines it. It's like a heart, it's like, it's cool. It seems like a fun transition at a porn. Oh my God. You still get to party. I follow her.

She fucking parties too. Yeah. She has fun. All those, I was trying to, I wanted to get a DJ for fully loaded, but she's like a good DJ. And I wanted like a hack DJ. Okay., but she's like a good DJ. I want to like a hack DJ. Like I want, like I just want someone to play some fucking, I want, I want them to go like, and I, we got, you can't fucking hire one now.

Oh, yeah, fuck. You're hiring one. Well, I want, I want someone who can spin records, switch it up, song to song. That's not a hack, but also be like, hey, make sure to grab some merch. Yeah, but they'll do that. You think? Yes. I want that. That's not a shitty DJ. That's not a hack, but I'll also be like, hey, make sure to grab some merch. Yeah, but they'll do that. You think? Yes. I want that. That's not a shitty DJ. That's not? No. Okay. No. Because most of these kids, they do like, trans music and then wait for the music. Yeah, but you'd be hiring. I mean, if you were,

you'd be interviewing DJs, you just tell them what you want. And if they're skilled, like a skilled DJ can just be like, cool, I mean, you're hiring me. I'm going to do the show you want me to do. Here's what I need. Okay. These are my cities. You're going to get over fucking wells. I'm very comfortable with that. I'm very confident. You don't want a new DJ in every city. You know, yes, I do. No, you know, why not? Because it's going to be a whole production nightmare. You want to hire one DJ and bring them to all these gigs. I need a DJ Yeah, I was gonna say we'll be fun to get a new DJ. You don't want to do I promise you don't want to do that really you want to hire a DJ

Okay, then let's start and then they'll you know they'll set up They know how the show goes they get comfortable all you guys you'll have they'll they'll know to play this when this person does this They'll they're getting the flow of the show with you. You know, absolutely. Okay, so and they'll get in the flow of the show with you. Absolutely. Okay, so. And they'll travel with their, you don't wanna deal with like new shit every show. And then you'll be like, oh, the DJ fucked up. And then he can be his own thing. Here she is. Or she.

Yes. Then I would love a female DJ. Yeah, I know, we were just fucking sad. Oh, what? Carter Cruz is like, she's like a real, like she does her own music, meaning like, I don't want someone to do their own music. I understand what you want.

I want, look, it's definitely possible. Really? And you should hire one. You should get a fucking, I think I got a DJ for you. For real? Yeah. Okay. And no, not for me.

Um, well, you, when you said how great Premiere was, it was like, it would be cool to have some music while everyone's, I mean, we're getting access to these fucking baseball fields. Now, everywhere I go They're like kind of our base field field when you do the season Professional of fully loaded. We want you to come and do a show here. Yeah, because all these minor league stadiums are like They're fucking awesome. Yeah, I want to find you got me a DJ. Yes, awesome back to Chrissy Mac now, okay She was fucking cool. She came out what's is like, you can watch people recognize her. Like you'd be like,

cause I haven't been doing meet and greets but what people wait by the bus and when I come out, go to the bus for the end of the night. I take pictures with them. And so we go out and you just see a bunch of people, like especially like dudes like, like to me and I was like, yeah. And they're like, no. Yeah, you're like, yeah, and they're like, no.

Yeah, you're like, we just shot a scene for our only fans. Yeah, and so she, she, you know what she said to me? She goes, yeah, the reason I know who you are is you bought a Valentine's Day card for me for $145. And I went, what? What? And I was like, I definitely didn't do that.

And then she was like, no, you definitely did. And she goes, I trust me. I know when people buy the Valentine's Day cards, I sign them, I definitely didn't do that. And then she was like, no, you definitely did. And she goes, I trust me. I know when people buy the Valentine's Day cards, I sign them and I take time and I write a very thoughtful message to them. And I saw you and someone was in the room and I was like, holy shit, Burk Chrysler bought one.

And I was like, I definitely didn't buy it. But I was like, but I remember getting the Valentine's Day card and was like, holy shit, Chrissy Mac sent me a Valentine's Day card. It was so fucking cool. It was a cool thing. If you want to do it to your friend, that's a fun thing,

because some of us had done it for me. But she hung out on the bus with us, we drank, we fucking ate atables. I shouldn't, I'm doing it again. I'm doing it again. I'm fucking party snitching. Okay, all right, god damn it. She was awesome.

She was awesome. She's very fun. She looks. Her body is ridiculous. I mean, I gotta be I gotta be very honest. Like there, there is a very Candidly, there is a power that she like that woman like her has over any man. I mean, I remember saying the day I was like hypothetically anyone. Yes. I'm not really gonna go simple course. I mean, what are you gonna say?

How do you say no? Hypothetically, you're like, what are you like? Yeah. You know, fucking beautiful and the coolest fucking check. So cool. I'm talking like very, I'm doing against that. Okay. Shad the Chrissy Mac also.

So what I learned. There we go. That's nice. You, I talked to you there a day and you're like, I'm sick. I have food poisoning and then Liam was like, he does not have food poisoning and then. Am I all right, am I all right?

And then you're like, well, do you have to put, you're like, oh no, woke up, threw up in my mouth and then I had to stand up. Like, wait, what? You're like, okay. And then you go, I'll call you later and I didn't hear from you for like a week. It was bad.

It was really, really bad. What happened? Well, so first of all, first of all, how much did you eat to do this? It was epic. It was pretty fun, epic. First of all, first of all, how much did you eat to do this? It was epic, it was pretty fun, it was epic. It was, Tommy, it was really epic. Yeah. The, let's start with, and I know,

sometimes I sit in the shower and I talk to myself and I go, you know, sometimes you unravel on two bears and you make yourself sound like a fucking lunatic, you should keep some secrets. Well, I have a problem with that. So it started with me throwing up in my throat while I sleep slept. And the first time it happened, I was like, the first time it happened. This is for like three years ago, the first time it ever happened.

I went, and then you're like, it got to the place. I was throwing up in my throat so regularly that I didn't even wake me up and it was going in my lungs. And then I would have a cough. Like a, like a, uh, uh, uh, uh. Jennifer Nettles was the one that told me, she goes, you have acid reflux on me. And I was like, really?

She goes, that's why you keep losing your voice. It's because you're throwing up in your throat all throughout the night. She was like, you need to stop drinking coffee, stop drinking alcohol. Don't eat, like she has a regimen, because she gets asked to reflux. But not as definitely not as bad as me.

But she's also a singer, and so she's, you know, so it's like whatever, she doesn't know anything. Yeah. So one thing that my one type of takeaways, I was losing my voice the second I got on stage, and she goes, just build, lose it in middle of your show. She could start talking soft.

You don't need to come out. And I was like, wow, and that helped a lot. Yeah. So I was throwing up my throat. The guys were hearing me throw up my throat. Oh my God. And they were, and they were getting concerned. Like they were like, you're throwing,

man, you're throwing up every night, you're throat. And I was like, I don't, but I'm, you're asleep during it. Sleep and I don't, you're throwing, man, you're throwing up every night, you're throat. And I was like, I don't, but I'm, you're asleep during it. Sleep and I don't, you're like, you're like, and so, so it comes to a head in Spokane, Washington. Okay. We pull in the Spokane and the cast of Hamilton

broke the stage and they're like, Hey, oh yeah, this is like, uh, yeah, your show had to be postponed. Right? Yeah. So we get a Spokane. We're in Spokane and they're like on the bus ride there, they're like, Hey, the cast of Hamilton broke the stage. You can't know shot tomorrow night. And so we're like, well, fuck, good to Spokane. We already have a, we have a flight going out the next day. We're like, we'll just go to Spokane. We'll have the day off. I find a private, no, I find a Mexican restaurant, and we get there, and this is what's wrong with me,

is my day's off. It's just wrong with me today. I had a shot at the kill this morning at nine in the morning. You know, shot at the kill at nine in the morning. Yeah, exactly. And for what? Yeah. It's the funnest time to do it. It's like when there's no reason to do it. Then did you take a nap? Yeah, it's gonna

nap right after. So he's having to kill a fucking amazing breakfast, talking about and on an incline pillow. So, so we get the day off. I go, you know, hotel, no, we're all staying in the bus. Okay, we're all staying in the bus. We have one night, we're just going to party for the whole day. So we get up, we go to breakfast in the morning. I'm talking about now, but I vote. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay the bus. Okay. We're all staying in the bus. We have one night, we're just gonna party for the whole day. So we get up, we go to breakfast in the morning. Wait, no, I'm talking about now. But our hotel?

Yeah. Okay. Okay. Okay. Sorry. Yeah. Leans coming to town. I didn't know.

Leans, my sister, my parents, everyone's coming. Oh, they're all coming to town? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or I'll go to see homeboy. No, my mom, my mom, my dad are. And then the girls coming in, I'm going to do Rogan on Wednesday, and then we're all going to go out to dinner. And then I'm flying them home private

On Thursday nice, I know it's ever flown private and my family so I thought no being need to treat and I fucked up And I booked a private to get me back home off the tour and it was non-refundable Fucking so I so they're they transferred it this way. I'm that's why we're doing it really so so I have the day off. It starts with the day off and a spicy pina colada, which I've never heard of. Yeah. And I went, I wouldn't mind one of those. And so I order six spicy pina coladas. I went for everyone. So we drink that. This is now, it's 10 in the morning. And so I said, you know what? Let's do around to those margaritas in the big glass. They look fun. So we do

around a margaritas with any Mexican food. They look fun. So we do around the margaritas. We then eat Mexican food, okay? I have been staying away from spicy food by E-MexCalfood. We then are walking back to our bus and a bar is opening up and they recognize me. Well, who's gonna pass up a bar? This wait, this just, oh, they're having their staff meeting. We go in, we do a shot with them. We get over to the bus, we start drinking IPAs,

we get our discs, we go out and play an amazing disc golf course out in Spokane. Fucking gorgeous, right by the river. IPAs, a joint, some dirty girls, another IPA, another joint of cigar. We jump in the river, it's like 45 degrees, we get out, and we get a reservation to dinner right away, right? 6.30. away right 630 we get apps we get two martinis two shots at tequila sent from fans a ballerad wine a steak fish pork side this is what I ate steak fish pork sides a nut maybe another martini and then and and and I'm I'm fucking humming baby. I'm feeling great as I'm walking out Guys like machine car bomb and I'm like fuck yeah, I was car bomb right before I go to bed. I'm laying in bed and Everyone goes sleep. It's like 8 o'clock 10 o'clock in the night And I wake up and I'm like fuck everyone's asleep. I'm like I don't feel so good

So I lay back down and take that down. And immediately I realize I'm going to get, I'm going to throw up. I'm going to throw up. I go to the bathroom to fart. And I'm like, oh, I'm going to, I'm going to shit. I'm going to throw up. I go out. I'm in, I'm in a pair of white, just white, uh, uh, uh, with my pants, but shorts. And I throw up the most aggressively I've ever thrown up in my entire life where three in the morning in front of my bus, meaning if anyone videotaped it, there's no denying. It's not me.

It's just, and it's just fucking coming out like everything, everything's coming out. I mean, for a solid 15 minutes, people are waking up. I'm throwing up on this, it's everywhere. It's all, my first rope is right outside the door. So I couldn't even get back in the bus. There was throw up right outside the door. I wake up the next morning, I go back,

I throw up everything I get in bed, I do not sleep. I go to bed that wake up the next morning, and I back. I throw up everything I get in bed I don't I do not sleep. I go to bed that that wake up the next morning and I cannot talk my voice is gone It's still fucked up from it a little bit and it's fuck I mean it's gone It's right go to your nose and throat guy and he looks at me and he's like we doesn't this throat scope and he's like okay He's like do you see this area? I said yeah, he goes goes, all that white stuff. I said, yeah, he goes, supposed to be pink. And I was like, huh? And he goes, he's like, you're not a kid anymore. He's like, you're done.

And I was like, what? And he's like, you can't eat past seven o'clock. You can't eat four hours before you go to bed. I'm gonna put you on priceless, heck, he goes, you've got to cut the coffee out, cut the alcohol out. I mean, as you on priceless, he goes, you've got to cut the coffee out, cut the alcohol out. I mean, as he's saying this, I'm just like, I go, can you just give me a steroid shot?

He goes, he's like, are you serious? I go, yeah, just give me a steroid shot. I got a performance with a Greek, and I can't fucking speak. So he gives me a steroid shot, puts me on steroid pills, gives me another shot the day of, and my voice came back. I mean, at the buzzer for the Greek, at the buzzer.

And then, of course, this week is the last run. I just wrapped the tour. So I've been smoking weed every single night. That's how I go to bed now. I just stopped drinking and just smoke that vape pen in this, my bum until I fucking close my eyes. I'm so bad. You have.

It was so bad. You have the coolest stories? Ah! Life style stories. So, I mean, every, I think if you went to like a series of specialists, I think all of them would go, okay. All right, buddy. You know you're not fucking 16, right?

My cardiologist came to the Greek and she was like She was like so I had one cardiologist and then he kind of he did some abroad work So they set me up with this other cardiologist and I've never seen I really thought you were about to say I saw Cardiolors and I didn't like what you had to say so I got to another guy guys. No, she did I go in I go into the appointment and I and you know I were I'm with Leanne the night before, and I hadn't drank. I wasn't gonna drink the night before my car. I was just a point and I was gonna say,

cause I had to act that night so that my pull of pressure was good. And Leanne caught me. She goes, the fuck are you doing? And I go, not drinking. She goes, they'll fuck you, not drinking. She goes, you are partying tonight like you're on the road. We were at the beach and she poured me a double, double tequila on the rocks.

Yeah. And she poured one for herself. She goes, cheers. And I was like, I don't want it. She goes drink it. And I was like, no, she goes, drink it. You're not fucking going in. You're not training for this cardiologist's appointment. She goes, you want to, I want to know what you're at. You're worst. When you wake up all over, that's what your blood pressure needs to be. That's what it is on the road. You're fucking liver enzymes, that's what it's gonna be. So we got fucking me an egg, I got lit,

I smoked a cigar out in the beach. Fucking didn't sleep like shit, throw up in my throat that night probably. Going to the cardiologist, blood pressure, 120 over 80. Liver to enzymes perfect, cholesterol lower than it was before, but I tell her, I sit down with her and I go, she goes, you're gonna look good. I go, I'm not sleepy, I go on tour pretty aggressively,

and I'm just home for two days, and one of these is this. She's like, okay, she's like, you look tired, I'm very fucking tired. And she's like, she's like, all you gotta do is get through this tour, and I tell her, I'm like, listen, liver's gonna be through the roof, my look tired, I'm very fucking tired. And she was like, so all you gotta do is get through this tour. And I tell her, I'm like, listen, liver's gonna be through the roof, my fucking cholesterol, my blood,

everything's gonna be through the roof. She's like, okay, well, we can course cracked once we get the information. So we remember how nervous I was getting, I was getting blood panel, we do a full blood panel. She calls me, I'm in Nashville, I'm about to do the gran old operating. Not when you wanna get a call from your doctor. Right. I'm about to do the Grand Old Opera. Yeah. Not when you want to get a call from your doctor.

Right. I'm about to go on stage with the Grand Old Opera. She calls me and she goes, uh, hey. I said what, she goes, uh, yeah, I don't know what's going on, but you're fine. She's like, you did it. You snuck one past the goalie. I was like, what?

She's like, I can't believe it either. I'm as shocked as you are. I had to double check this. She was like, have a great night, man. Go have some drinks. I was like, what? She's like, I can't believe it either. I'm as shocked as you are. I had to double check this. She was like, have a great night, man. Go have some drinks. I was like, yeah, baby. Fucking lit up a joint. I fucking... And then the throat problems happen, so... I got two weeks off. I got three weeks off.

I'm gonna clean up. I'm gonna get... I'm gonna lose weight. I'm gonna get jacked. What are you way now? I don't know. Probably 253. I'm guessing, because I know my belt. Okay, my belt is a 253 belt. I'm guessing my waist is 44 inches right now, meaning like a legit tape.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Is it fucking centimeters? 43! 43. Oh yeah, 43. I'm going to lower this belt. 43, not bad. Alright. 43. 43. Oh, yeah, 43. I'm going to lower this belt. 43, not bad.

All right. Yeah, 43. I'm going to measure every part of my body. I'll post it. Okay. I'll post it. I measure every part of my body. And then I'll measure my part of my body when I start the day.

I start fully loaded. Which is only three weeks from now? I don't know. June 16th. Yeah. June 16th. It goes to Southth. It goes to South Bend, Louisville, Dayton, Rochester, Greenville, Bristol, Lawrenceville, and Brandon, Mississippi. All right. Yeah. And so, and so I'm going to measure myself. I'm on a health kick, man. I want to fix it. Here's a thing is I when when I threw up that night, it was like a fucking wake up call where I was

like, I was like, I'm I'm fucking up my voice. Yeah, I'm legit fucking up my voice from that idea You can ask Peter. I swear to God the only reason I've lost weight on this run the only reason is I'm eating Right, I'm eating before my first show and then I don't eat again the whole fucking until the next day And so I'm fasting for 16 hours because you know your most fucking cocktails and I go to sleep I And so I'm fasting for 16 hours because you know you're mostly getting cocktails and I go to sleep I Have been drinking and but I go to sleep and then I sleep until noon and I'm fasting for like 16 hours So I've been good with the diet. I've been good with the diet. So I have lost weight I think I'll probably be 250 if I wait myself right now. Okay I need a trainer like you have it's crazy to say I've been good with the diet.

I have. Okay. I have. Oh, having said that, we went to the old Texan and dated the old 72 channel. How did he do? No. He threw up in the bathroom. He should have spammed.

He did? For people that don't know, you have the challenges, you eat a 72 ounce steak, also, you mostly eat the bread. They potato a slice of bread, a salad and three shrimp cocktails. So he goes in, we have man's do it, man's is a vegetarian. That's hilarious.

We had man's do it, because man's, you set up on a stage and Dave was like, we were all going to do it at first. And then I told the end that night. So we're only doing the 72 hours challenge. And she called me the next day. She said, you're not, you're actually not. You're not allowed to. I was like, what? She goes, no. She goes, you're doing good with your eating. You're going to eat too much. You're going to throw up. You're going to fuck you throw it up. Do not eat it. No one. They probably write. And then, and then Dave, we put Dave up there. Dave did great. To be honest with you, he not eat it. No one. They play right. And then and then day we put Dave up there.

Dave did great. To be honest with you, he almost finished it, but he's a lot of food, man. Yeah. 72 outs and it's not the best cut of meat. Right. Right. An all idea. There's this woman, Molly Skyler, who did it in four minutes. Yeah, she's like, I probably a competitive either though. Yeah, I know we're actually, I know her. A text in her, I was like, it's fucking impressive. Yeah, that's it. But yeah, that's the fucking meal.

David, so they come in almost like four chunks of steak. David, three of them, and literally had probably a hamburger left of steak. And he ate all the other stuff already? He ate all the other stuff. And he fucking threw up and shit his pants. He goes, well, you throw up at the table. You throw up at the fucking table. Like, they had a bite. He had a button. So it was fucking hilarious

because he'd take a bite. And he just, you didn't record this. Oh, we recorded all of this. You haven't recorded it. Oh, all of him throwing up all of it. He goes, he's at the table. And he goes, like, he starts doing this. And we're like, Dave, and he, they bring him a bucket and he puts it up next to him. And day, and then all of a sudden he takes a bite and he just comes up, throws up in the bucket, and he's like, I'm out, I'm out, he had a minute left, he's like, I'm out, goes into the bathroom, throws up aggressively in the bathroom,

shits himself in the bathroom, takes his underwear off, fucking comes out and he's like, we need to leave now. Get to the venue in Amarillo throws up again. He threw up four times, I think in total. It should have self-wants. Oh my God. He had a great bit, a great bit. I added a show, July 24th in Denver, at the ball arena.

The 23rd is sold out, so we added a show. Go to Thompsichord.com, Slashdoor for taking care of it. Did you say Denver? Because I'm in Colorado September 9th at Red Rocks. I will see you guys there, September 9th. What to do? I want to do promo shoots at Red Rocks. And I just ended up getting high and drunk with everyone.

Like we went, I went to go, like, you know, use the venue to make some cool content. And all anyone wanted to do, that everyone had beers there and joints. And they're like, hey, man, kill beer with us. And I was like, fuck yeah. And then I just ended up parting my dick off. That sounds right.

Yeah, yeah, I can't, but when then we climbed a mountain, we went to Breckenridge. I haven't talked to you in so fucking long. I know, it's been a while, man. It's been a while. We took a day off and I was like, oh, did I tell you I'm not racist?

You have not told me this is one of the things that we've always debated. No, no, no, well, here's, I'm telling you too much right now. So, okay. We get an Airbnb in Spencer, Oklahoma, Spencer, Oklahoma, just outside of Oklahoma City. Okay.

And we go in, I like Oklahoma City. I love Oklahoma City. That's like one of those under the radar, cool, like you don't know, it's gonna be cool and you have a good time. I like all of Oklahoma to be dead honest to you. I really do like, I wouldn't go there. I like Tulsa.

I was just in Tulsa last night. I like really like Tulsa. Really? Yeah, I really like Tulsa. All right, that's true. The outsiders reminds me the outsiders. Okay. So we get this Airbnb and Ron comes up

and he goes, black people own this. And I went, what? He's like black people own this. I promise you, what? He's like black people on this. I promise you. Just so people know, Ron is your driver. Yes. He is black. He is black.

Right. This is important to point out. Ron is black. He's not African American. People have made that mistake. Where they think they're talking to an African American and they find out very quickly, they're talking to a black man. Where they come in, they come at him with something woke shit.

And Ron just goes, oh, no, I fucker in the ass. And you're like, okay, sorry, he isn't what you thought. So, so Ron sits to me and goes, black people on this. And he's like, I'll bet you a thousand dollars black people on this. So I start going, I start looking at it, trying to figure out how he knows black people own it. So the whole time I'm looking at it, trying to figure out how he knows black people own it. So the whole time I'm looking at things going, and so I'm sitting there saying,

like, this looks like a couch white people would buy. It did. It really did look like a couch white people would buy. Okay. You know, and then I'm like, wait, why would I say that? And I was like, this big screens are the same size. Like, I can't find, I go outside, I see roller blades, I go, and by say to myself, it's kind of, maybe it is racist or not, I don't know what it is, I go outside, I see roller blades, I go and by say to myself, this kind of, or maybe it is racist or not, I don't know what it is, I go, five people don't roller blade,

like why would there be roller blades? So I'm looking around. I'm trying to solve the mystery. I'm trying to solve the mystery of why Ron knows black people own this. Okay. We go get beer. Like, oh, family photos.

And Ron saw a family photo. Is that why? And, no, Ron saw a family photo. Is that why? He saw that motherfucker just saw a family photo and that's why he said it. So but for a day, I'm looking around. We go to get alcohol at the liquor store, black dude behind the counter, shout out to Franks. He's like, he's like, it's called Cousins

and Spencer Oklahoma's the name of the weed store and the liquor store. They got me high and they got me drunk. That morning. And he's like, what are you doing in Spencer? You just, you must be down on black people and I'm like, okay, I can't do the math on why, like I don't see, like they have horses, they have horses. And I'm like, I mean, I know like Bo Jackson, you're awaiting for the giveaway.

I'm waiting for the solve. And by the way, it was a beautiful fucking Airbnb that a great outdoor area, great living space. Did anything ever give it away? Or just the fucking pictures. But I noticed in this whole transaction that I was looking at this Airbnb immediately as if white people owned it.

And I was looking for a flaw. Yeah. A flaw, that's what fucked me up, is like, I'm looking for a snag so I can prove the black people own it. And then I went, well, that's kind of fucked up. That is kind of fucked up. Every Airbnb I go into, I assume white people own it.

Did you assume white people own the one we stayed in in Atlanta? No, I did not. I don't know if I think, cause it's right across the street from Martin Luther King's church, right? I don't remember. Yeah, it was. That was right across the streets from Ebenezer, whatever.

So then I go, I'm talking around about this and then around and goes, yeah, it's fucking pictures. That's all pictures of them. They're black. Oh, motherfucker. And then I said, I'm on bassist and you know, Rod, of course,

cause yeah, of course you are. I go, I'm on racist, and you know, Rod, of course, goes, yeah, of course you are. I go, am I though? And he was like, and then you know, my, and man's like, the fact that you're asking if you're racist probably means you're not. And I go, what, am I? So I go online, I go, there's gotta be a quiz. So there is a quiz online, and you should take it right now

and find out if you're racist. All right. And I was honest with it. I like to go to the bathroom first. to the bathroom in the morning the racist. Okay What are you doing, Bert? 48 how much stomach so we found out that you have 44 44 was an inch here. Yeah, 18 around my neck 44 44 44 was an inch here. Yeah, 18 around my neck 44 around my waist weight 48 around my belly. Okay. It's what I say 18 16 around my arm. I didn't hear the arm.

Oh, so fucking big. 16 around my arm. 16 around my arm. So neck, that's all you need to measure really. Oh, hold on. I measure my neck. Thighs? Yeah, I don't know how to change. Okay. I mean, I don't know.

So you're gonna measure yourself again in a few, right, like right before you go and fully loaded? Yeah. What do you think you'll be at? I think I'm gonna be fucking tiny. Cause a lot of it's just bloaked from like fucking just being on the road and not sleeping and fucking drinking. As when I go home, I'm going to fucking on the alcohol, try to get my throat back and not I won't be eating late.

And then and then I'm going to be working out like crazy, my trying my trainer back. So how are you going to be working out with her much, I get my trainer back. So. Oh, you're gonna be working out with her in L.A. And then I'm doing, I'm gonna bring a whole set of weights, like traveling weights for fully that, set them out in the fucking outfield. Well, you have the bus out there too? Yeah, I have three buses. Well, you have three buses.

Oh, I have three buses. I am getting a private jet wrapped. I shouldn't tell all this. It's a surprise. I want them to, I want, I want the, look, my goal is for David Tell Joey Diaz, Nikki Glazer, Taylor Tomlinson, Mark Norman Shane Gillis. We got a Shane Gillis.

Awesome. Charles C. Lynn, Sal Volcano, Fortune Femister, and who am I forgetting? Big J. Ocaration. My goal is for them to have the greatest two weeks of their fucking life. On this tour. On this tour. That's it.

How do you break up the show? Is it like the way that Oddball would do it where it's like somebody hosts? And then they... Big J-Occerson's hosting. Okay. All of the shows. All right. We'll have three comics go on and then an intermission and then three more comics.

I'm gonna try to add comics. I wanna start bringing in like, like I wanna go out to like a bunch of like comics that I think would be fun to have out. Yeah, yeah. And so I would like to have as many comics as we do. So most people are doing like 15, 20? Yeah, yeah.

And then someone will close out the first portion. We'll have a intermission, go out with the second portion, and then maybe everyone comes out on stage. Just want it to be fun as fuck. You'll do the closing thing. Maybe, I don't know. How much time will you do? How long is the machine take? No.

It would be cool not to tell me. It would be really cool not to tell the machine. I'm having said that they're gonna go with the machine. I'm fucking Jesus Christ. Okay, let's take a racist test. You gotta be honest. Don't just fucking... Okay. Why... Let me Google see if I can find it, because...

I don't know why but Have why did I've an are you racist test, you know see if that pulls something up That one is that one yeah, maybe I know I know I God damn it. You didn't have the test ready. I do I can't believe How are we supposed to see this is what's wrong with the Jews, you know, I'm Is a joke get it brother. What is wrong? No, I took the racist test. I'm seeing if I can find it. Am I racist? Hear about this. Try this one.

This is a five minute test to see whether or not you are racist. God damn it, I wish I could find the actual test I took because it was, it was, because then I took one where I was like, I'm gonna just answer what a racist would answer. And it came out like, dude, you are fucking racist. That's the answer. Mine was like, mine was like, I want to say my answer was like,

surprisingly not, surprisingly, you are not racist. So wait, none of those ring a bell though. No, and I'm the same thing's coming up on my thing. Okay. But it would be, I mean, go back to the search result. So test yourself or hidden bias is one. What do you see is, oh, that's going to be just like photos, right? Racial bias test, wouldn't that be a version of a way to find out. I'm trying to, yeah. This isn't it? No, it's not it. I'm trying to see,

because I would, it would be marked on. Like go to the first result, and see what that one, the hidden bias one. Okay, test yourself for your preliminary information blah, blah, blah, blah. Does it have like a series of qu- Okay, skip that one. How about the, what do you see one the second one?

That's probably gonna be Okay, I wonder if we're not yeah, this is a good way to do it But you see a refugee a professor a Fundamentalist this is a fun one or a grandfather. Oh, he's all of them. Yeah. I mean, he could be. I wonder if I can do my history. Do I see a drug addict?

Sure. Go ahead. Next. A model, a student, a gang leader, a son. There's no way that kids are gang leader. I'm going to go with student. What do you see? Economist, trafficking victim, immigrant granddaughter. I mean she has grandparents.

What do you see? Dr. Yeah, taxi driver, human rights activist and uncle. Maybe acts, but I don't really think so. Actor, farmer, I see farmer there. Go ahead. beautician, indigenous person. Okay, sure. What do you see? Asleep, nurse, drug dealer cousin. I mean, this is hilarious. So you're supposed to be like, oh, that's someone's cousin. hilarious. So you're supposed to be like, oh, that's someone's cousin. Okay.

Okay. Sure. I mean, it was such a good test. Yeah, what a great test. It was such a good test. I can't believe I can't find it. It was such a good test and I took it and it was like, and I was really honest, right?

And like, I think one of the questions are like, are you attracted to like Latino checks or something? And I was like, yeah. Yeah. That's one of the questions. I think I was a great fucking test. Who gave you the test? I was like, I found out, I found it right away online. Like I googled it. Racist test.

Am I racist? Am I right? Try that. Am I racist? Test. Okay. Test yourself, no. Can't be the racism, can't be this one. Let me see, let me see, let me see, let me see, yeah, this is it.

Let me see, let me see, let me see, hang on. Let me see. Well, these are, yeah, I think this is it. Oh, no, no, this isn't it, this isn't it. It looks like it though. Let's take this one. Okay, is it legitimate for Western countries to impose strict immigration restrictions

on people from non-white countries that they do for immigrants from white countries? Is it legitimate for Western countries to impose strict or immigration restrictions on people from non-white countries that they do for immigrants from white countries? Is it legitimate? I don't wanna take this online. I'm gonna take this hat off but I've found a couple of these answers. God damn it, I took the best fucking racist test.

And it was awesome. It was really like, if you see a white woman with a black child, what do you think to yourself? It's kind of, what are the, what do you have to type out of? No, no, no, no, no, and then the answers were like, the answers were like, it makes me sad.

It was really like things that people would think. He's an orphan, or so I was like weird questions. God damn it, I should have fucking, is it okay to assume that the kitchens in restaurants owned by non-whites are generally dirtier than the kitchens in restaurants owned by whites? Is it a whole that thing to the right. Now,

uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. Is it okay to make jokes about food that serving restaurants owned by non whites? EG, lots of garlic and restaurants. Of course it is. Owned by Arabs, dog meat and Asian restaurants. What the fuck?

Questions are these. What is this? Is this on the KKK to see if you can get in? I don't know. All right, next question. Is it okay to ask non-whites if they know a friend, coworker, or classmate of who is, of yours, who is the same as their race?

Yeah, that's how you get to know them. You're like, hey man, do you know my boss driver, Ron? Yeah. It may sometimes be necessary for Western governments to detain or investigate non-whites for actions that would not arouse Suspicion if done by white people I mean yeah, but I mean these are no brainers This is why people have a duty to educate themselves on racist actions of their forebears

Oh, it will be here all day day. Foreignally disagreed strongly disagree. Yeah. What the... It's okay to portray minorities in commercial as being bad at English. This is a given. Given, strongly agree. Yeah. Next. Yeah.

Is it offensive to suggest that all people have the same, non-white ethnicity look alike? What are we supposed to do? Is it that all black people look alike and that all Asians look alike, etc.? Well, can you do it like a little bit to the right? Yeah, there we go. Yeah, yeah. I don't really think minorities in the West were historically the target of racist actions.

That's, I, you know, what's, it's hard to agree with that when I think you're gonna have to pull it to the left. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no a big mustache in every one's house. Always, always, because they can't even imply that somebody non-white would do like a crime, like they all don't do that. None of them do that. Oh my God. Can you imagine? So agree.

So no, disagree. Yeah, because and it also, it doesn't happen that never happens in commercials. Yeah, that's crazy. No such thing as a commercial, where you will see a non-white subsurbanially or acting criminally. They companies will not do that.

Really? Absolutely. Did you see the via senior sketch? I was watching it taking a shit. Now, where her and Selena Gomez did played Cholas. I think that's the word. Yeah, I think that's what yeah. And they were playing, it was like, they were just doing impressions of Cholas.

Yeah. And this is amazing. Yeah, and it was, it was, it was really great because first of all, they're both Mexican, I think. Yeah. And so they're doing impressions of probably people that they know grew up with. And but it got lit up.

A lot of people got fucking pissed about what? That they were like, you can't do that to our community or whatever. I was like, it's fucking comedy. You're like, it's being, we do it to him. When I talk about Leana, I go, shit, all my ideas. But no, but it's being portrayed by Mexicans. Yeah, I know.

She got lit up for it. She made it like a post today. Really? Yeah. She made a post all the way to it. It's on her Instagram stories. I saw it on her stories. I was like, it's kind of fucked up.

What did she have to apologize? She did not apologize. She basically came out and said, I'm doing this for people in my, hang on, I don't want to put words in my mouth. We'll just go to the story because it looks like there's still a list of e-commerce stories. There you go. There you go. That's what she wrote. Okay. Can you read it in a dove? Yeah, it says, yeah, I figured some folks will get all picky, sensitive about chola characters, but guess what? It's my job to find the silly and

exaggerate. It fills me with joy to bring characters that the show doesn't get to see often. I record to bring this silly, this silly, this silly light. I love my fans and then some more stuff. And she's the best. And this is so funny and so talented. She really is fucking awesome. Can nail so many impressions.

Like it's just incredible. I can't wait to see, I haven't seen this guy. It's good, it's good. But what's cool is it's very inside baseball. But this is like, this is hilarious, because this is the equivalent of like Michael Che doing like a sketch about like, you know, from the projects in in Brooklyn. Yeah. And then people being like, you shouldn't do it like, but like you're writing it and performing it about your own people. Yeah.

And then I bet you've like most people upset with it are not even Mexican with with Melissa. Yeah, I wouldn't be shocked. It's I guess Pico and there's Pico, Pico, Pico, Pico Riviera, Riviera, Pico, I think is the, I think it's a community. Oh. And that's where they're talking about that community. It's very unsy-based very inside baseball So anyone who grew up there is like oh shit, they're representing and then they say say a thing like Here hit the play thing on the thing. I'll think we can hear it. Oh, you can't hear it. Yeah, but it's like they it's really good They're really she's just really talented. She's so funny finding the thing in a character and then blowing that up She's fucking great and then this guy's awesome. Thank you. They're pretty good cast of on a snel this year She's she nails so many impressions, dude.

She is so good. Her dolly partens fucking insane. Yeah, fucking that's, I'm not surprised. I've never been good at impressions. You said you're really good at them. I know, but I know, but it's like a uphill battle. Now with losing my voice, it's like I'm all over the place. If you had to do your best impression,

my best impression. Well, it's like, there's people that are easy to impersonate, like e-mbags easy to impersonate. Okay, all right. Oh, hey, huh, oh, huh. Joey Diaz, easy to impersonate. Listen. All right. You know, oh, hey, Joey Diaz, easy to impersonate. Listen,

everybody does, everybody who knows Joey has an impression of him. Yeah. Talking to you. Yeah. Yeah. He cocks it. Uh, I don't know if I,

I'm trying to think he also is the, Joey is the king of the, like, 25 second phone call. Like he calls and he's like, it's going on. You got there, you're grinding your fucking animal. I'm like, yeah. He's like, kids good.

Yeah, Christine. Yeah. He's like, I love you. And then he just hangs up. I'm good even saying back. You're like, okay. I texted, when we got him to do fully loaded, I texted him and I told him,

hey man, I don't wanna call you and put you on the spot, but I know you're not really doing comedy right now, but I want you to be a part of this. I think you'd be great and da da da, and he just writes back, okay. And then nothing, hear nothing. And then he just calls me one day and he goes, I'm back, cock, sucker.

Let's do it. And I went great. And then I'm like, and he goes, all right back cock sucker. Let's do it. And I went great. And then I'm like, and he goes, all right, I'll talk to you later and just hung up. I was like, I haven't been told you the deal offer. Yeah. And I was like, and then I called him back. And I was like, Hey man, we should talk about the money.

He goes, whatever it is, we'll figure it out. Just fucking, there's whatever it is. Don't worry about it. Just give me a call. I'll talk to you later. Let's just do this. Fucking fully loaded bitches. And hung up.

And I was like, fuck yeah. And then, oh my god And I finally I'm changing it, but I saw the Posts that a tell made for the That really is like an old man who has no idea how shit works It was like a still of you like with your shirt. He's like like with your shirt. He's like, that's fantastic. It tells me the best to do

to fuck in this whole thing because everything I try to get him to do is it is really done from a flip phone. Okay, scroll down, scroll. Because I think maybe it's there on the right, because yeah, there's like, so there's that and then hit the image to the Like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, just like that. Yeah It's gonna be a lot of time this summer. It's gonna be a video. It's supposed to be a video. Yeah, it's supposed to be a video He just posted stills from the video

Through the best is I tried to get him to do this shit, you know, where I did the reveal, and he just went, pick up a little. And I said, I knew it's not a script. He's like, not you. He just went like this, pick up a little. The best is Shane Gillis would not do it. No. There's no way he's going to be doing, you know, hey guys, it's Shane Gillis would not do it. Yeah. There's no way he's going to be doing, you know, hey guys, it's Shane Gillis. Yeah. And so we just used the, did you see the reveal that we did for him? Yeah. Oh my God.

Nadal, can you please, this is my, this makes me not so hard. So I pull it and no, no, no, go to, go to my Instagram, go to my Instagram. It'll be on my Instagram. So I pull it. We do a, oh, it's my P. Oh, yeah, you can show it. We do this one when we're out at the Airbnb, you keep going, you'll see me jump, oh that posted today.

That one, me jumping in naked. Yeah, so this is my favorite Shane Gillis. Leave the sound off, because you might have music, right? No, there might be music, or my music. Yeah, but I use this clip for Shane Gillis, right? And they said, yes.

So it's me jumping in and then fully loaded. They'll go. And then this is Shane Gillis. Oh, I did see it. It's my favorite. Yeah. And then Joe just tears. And he goes, oh, that'll be funny.

Yeah. That's my favorite. That's my fucking favorite. That's my favorite. Yeah, I'm my favorite, that's my fucking favorite. That's my favorite. Yeah, I'm in Chelsea. That's it. Yeah. It's gonna be awesome.

Yeah, it's, dude, I'm some fucking punk. You're gonna come out to a show, come party with us. Maybe, you'll be doing some time. Maybe, maybe, maybe fun. Maybe fun. Yeah, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what. But, I'll tell you what, what? I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. What? I'll tell you what.

I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what.

I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what.

I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. Yeah, and you have a 44 inch waist and a 48 inch belly and then in a few weeks You're gonna measure your chest chest. Yeah, do your chest measurement here. Just stand there here. Just give it to me Give me the tape measure. I'll show you how to do it You don't have to do any of this Okay, I do a lot of bench press lately

Okay, we do a lot of bench press lately. Around your nipples, right? Yeah. Oh my God. What's that? 49. That's it? Yeah, why? Is that good?

Let's just seem small. Look at this. I mean, I've been doing a lot of bench press lately. It's fucking obvious. I'm a trash. You're some, you know, there's a, there are, I bet, I would like to an app that showed, oh, I guess I have it, it's called Tinder.

I would like to be on Tinder just to see who I could fuck. Just to see what the possibility is. Just to see like what who would fuck me. Hey, will you build me a Tinder profile? Oh, that's probably a bad idea, right? No, it's cool. Do a Tinder profile to find out who I could fuck? So wait, just to see,

but they're all gonna recognize you. It's not like a real. It would be cool to be cool to be able to like put it on the table and show the anager, just you know. This is an out there. That's out there. Yeah. Like step it up.

Oh, step it up. Yeah. Bring the thunder. I've been sleeping with breathalyze strips also. Yeah. Yeah, I have a deviated septum. I swear I breathe that goes like this. And this nose just closes.

Woof. Jesus. And now I didn't know that happened. I've been sleeping with my mouth tape shut. For real. Yeah. I was thinking about taping Leanne's mouth shut and seeing if she makes it through the night.

Yeah. Yeah. She does this thing where she sleeps. She goes, tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt. Really? Did I just put tape there? She goes, tt tt tt tt tt tt don't know what happened. I don't know, I loved her.

I think she throws up in her throat while she sleeps. She's an animal. What? And she's like, poison. That's what she's had to be one time. What? And if you drink too much, you come, doesn't taste great. So a lot of times what I'll do,

just to find out if I'm drinking too much, is I'll taste my own come. Oh my God. What? You do? But no, I've never tasted my own calm. I am really strong. It used to really farty day for you.

You know what they think that I'm allergic to dairy. They think? They think that people on the bus. I mean, I'm in farting on sage so aggressively. Do you ever fart into the mic? All the time. You do. If I have to fart, I fart into the mic.

I'm high. Can you feel that I'm high right now? Like I'm like, fire not. If yeah, it does feel like you're firing on. I'm having, I'm happy. I'm happy to be here. I like doing this part because I feel like I've been talking to you in fucking forever.

It's been a while, man. It's been a really long time. And then, and the torches wrapped. Yeah. It's nice to have a break. Oh, I do. I haven't had a break in forever. I know, I have right now I'm going into a couple more weeks and then I get a little break. What are you doing tomorrow after we do two bears?

Going home and then taking your boat out and going skiing. I'm not going skiing. Let's go skiing. Skying? Yeah, we'll do, we'll do wake surfing. I don't even have a wakeboard yet. Let's call Joe. What do you mean?

Joe's taking us wake surfing. He does it, doesn't he? I don't, I have no idea. It's not weird if I go with Joe taking me skiing. A little bit. What do you have? Joe's take-off-sweak surfing. He does it, doesn't he? I don't, I have no idea. It's not weird if I go with Joe, take me a ski. A little bit. What do you have a boat, right? Yeah, let's go take your boat out. What happened? Are the boys home tomorrow? They're probably in school. Let's get them out of school. Uncle Bert, let's see if I can kidnap your kids. What I'll do is I'm gonna go to the school. I'm gonna go to the school and see if I can get kids out of school.

I'll tell you what, I will, I'll tell you off here. Okay, okay. I would love to go out. Let's go fuck it out on the boat. And I'm gonna go be your as well. Teach the boys how to wake surf. And the boys swim yet? Oldest one's supposed to really well.

Yeah. And Julian getting better, but he's not like, like Ellis is fully. Did you teach him as well? No. It's one of my only victories in life is as a dad. The only thing I can say I did is a dad where I go. I feel like a is fully. Did you teach him as a swim? No. It's one of my only victories in life is as a dad. The only thing I can say I did is a dad where I go, I feel like a dad today.

Talked the girls had a swim and I taught them how to ride a bike. Are you still gonna race that Olympic swimmer? Caleb Dressel? I don't know. We just had a phone call with Speedo the other day. And it sounds like it. It sounds like it.

Yeah, it sounds like it. Yeah, actually, I mean, I don't know what I'm talking about Yeah, I think I am He's got to go compete in hungry and And then we're gonna we're gonna get it all and I forgot I'm training for it Are you yeah? Yeah? Is it is he agreeing to do it with major restrictions? Yeah, I don't we haven't we kind of just soft talked it He's legs are gonna be tied together. tied together No, he's gonna wear my clothes

jeans should make them work how we have jeans and sneakers and and And no shirt and I can swim in the speed in a speedo He's like murder you know that We're gonna we're gonna do a guy. I think we're gonna. I'm gonna first off We haven't really planned everything out. We have said that once he wraps up in hungry,

by the way, I hope I'm allowed to talk about this. Once he wraps up in hungry, we're gonna try to do it beginning of June, that's coming up. I should start training. You should start training. I bet I don't need to work about my, I bet I can't increase my time that much, right? Test true.

And so, and so, we are, I think we're gonna do it. He's cool as fuck. Yeah. He's gonna be fun. But what I wanna do is I think he can, I think he'll be able to beat me swimming backwards. Yeah. I wanna do like three different competitions

with the men of pool. Yeah. I wanna do one with flippers. Where does he live? Is he living in Hawaii? He lives in Florida, I think. Oh, that's a good place to live. He went to University of Florida.

He did? Yeah, he is fucking gorgeous. Pull up a picture of Caleb Pratt. We've done this already. He is fucking, dude, that's a good place to live. He went to University of Florida. He did? Yeah, he is fucking gorgeous. Pull up a picture of Caleb. We've done this already. He is fucking, dude, that's what I wanna look like. You can get there in a month. Yeah, you're gonna start training. Yeah.

Did you mean where does Caleb dress a live? Florida man. Stays true to his sunshine, state roots. All right, listen, we're gonna wrap this up. I'm proud to be a Florida man. I'm so happy to see you again. It's great seeing you. I'm, to be a Florida man. I'm so happy to see you again. It's great seeing you. And I'm remind me tomorrow to bring in a white leather jacket. You got it? Okay. All right.

That's it. All right. Love you. I love you too. All right. One goes top to swap the other, wears a shirt Tom tells stories and birds the machine There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean Here's what we call, two bears one cave No scripts to bid a booze, amateur, photography Dirty jokes, ranchy humor, no apologies Here's what we call, two bears one cave.