2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 135 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: May 30, 2022

It's another week of 2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer! They talk about how wild it's been to be friends with Joe Rogan as his career has grown, they take the original racist test that Bert found, and they discuss serial killers and where they went wrong. They talk about how Joey Diaz blew up a group text, getting stuck on a huge email thread with hundreds of other comedians, and Tom tries on his cream leather jacket for Bert. Bert tries to surprise KFC and Feitelberg from Barstool with a trip to Europe, hanging out with people without drinking, and how they're crafting their stand up comedy specials. https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://www.bertbertbert.com/bertyboytourhttps://store.ymhstudios.com/

I thought that was crazy as dad was in the KKK. He was liberal. See that's like a different liberal when you think Bill Clinton's ever said the N word What do you think Bill Clinton's ever said the N word? Yes, right? Yeah, do you know, it's ever asked him that 100% I'll see you. Well, I'll say your measurements are clearly going down. The gesture is eight years. I didn't sleep in a bunk for the first time last night. You look at me. Are you rested?

No. No. I slept fucked up last night. And I listened to Rogan's podcast with... I played all my phone, Jordan Peterson. A recent one? I have no idea. I have no idea.

I just had dreams about not being a man. Oh, really? Yeah, just not being a man and not eating enough meat, not helping. That's kind of his lane, right? Is like, be a, be a fucking Take dangerous chances. He's every fucking, he's every like,

like, you see someone doing something, and then you hear Jordan Peterson behind it on TikTok. Yeah. He's like a big TikTok star. My favorite thing that I've seen of his, because I don't know his, him real well, is there are clips of him being interviewed and somebody trying to like call him out on something and him just absolutely destroying the.

But, but not aggressively. Yeah. He's very like laid back doing it. Well, let me ask you a question. You don't have a problem offending me. That was an offensive question. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You're right. Yeah. I don't know. It's like, it's like, it's peop man, he's a really smart dude. He's a smart guy. I think it's, is he a psychology professor? I don't know. I thought he was just a Rogan guest.

No. Just off the streets. He's just, he's just guy that was really good on Rogan and flipped it. I'm pretty sure clinical psychologist, yeah. I don't even know what that is. He was, he was, I really couldn't even tell you. He can prescribe pills. Something. No, that'd be a psychiatrist. He was pretty heavily addicted to Xanax. I don't even know what that is. I really couldn't even tell you, he can prescribe pills, something.

No, that'd be a psychiatrist. He was pretty heavily addicted to Xanax. Yeah, I think he had some health issue, as I recall, and that, right? Like, he was, I pick up like these little details. I don't know. Now I'm sounding like, you're like, I think he had a health issue.

I'm pretty sure. I don't have no idea what he was the guy that was this is how far back he goes. He was the guy that went taught it like evergreen college and refused to use pronouns. Where's evergreen? I don't know. It's like one of those things. It was like a hot button topic back in the day. Yeah, we're fused. Hey, like I don't think it's you've used the one pronouns that I don't know. Canada was Canada. Just in Trudeau is a tyrant. I don't even know Justin Trudeau. You know how much shit I don't know.

Like I don't know anything about the trans swimmer. I don't know anything about that. I don't care. I don't even give a fuck. I'm shocked. I'm shocked that how many friends I have that are really give a fuck about this. About the trans swimmer? Yeah. Who cares? My daughter's in the swimming and I get upset.

But like... Who gives a fuck? Yeah. Yeah, I don't give a shit. I really, like doesn't register for me. I'll tell you what, I saw this. I do like that the swimmer was the, I believe it was the swimmer was the,

I believe it was the, she was the 458th ranked male swimmer when they were a man and then transitioned and have destroyed all the women's swimming records. But how much fun, how much fun do you think it was to do that for the parents? For the people in the stands that didn't know that he was a tramp, we know what I'm fucking.

But this is why I don't care. I know I just defended that fucking person. But how much fun do you think it was for the first time to watch Leah Thomas swim? And everyone was like, fuck, she is good. Yeah. We're looking at a Michael Jordan right now. She's gonna win the final Olympics. Oh my god. Yeah, yeah, I really don't give you shit. It's so funny. All the shit

I don't give me all the big things you would you would be upset if one of your dollars was to me against her Not really I think I get a kick out of it. I'd love to get in the car and be like, yeah man, that's how the cookie crumbles. Yeah. You guys don't fuck with, you don't fuck with, we have to, do you think, do you think, if you were in the car and George was like,

she kicked this shit out of me, you go, well, yeah. There's a, there's a, I think I said it to you There's this skateboarder fucking Kind like a little bit overweight check. Yeah, she was fucking awesome Yeah, like the best fucking watch awesome

And then I was like and then I went to her page. I was gonna follow her. I did follow her And she's transition and I was like wow that makes that was gonna follow her. I did follow her. She's transition. And I was like, well, that makes, that was a fucking pretty good kickflip. I was like, I just fucking, I think we should get rid of female sports altogether and just have dudes dress up as chicks and do them and just fucking make them fun again.

This is a hot take. Put to our Owens in a fucking dress and get them out there don't can basketballs. Sure. Fuck yeah. I'm down. I'm all about progress. I don't care about anything.

I don't care about, it's hard to get on my radar of keeping a fuck about shit. What do you give a fuck about? It's gotta be something. I'm trying to think what really works you up. It's really funny when you have hot gossips. Gossips, gossips. Gossips.

You're like a fucking middle schooler. You're like, oh my god, oh my god, I gotta talk to you. Yeah, like good gossip. I get my dick gets hard. Like I feel like it's Christmas. Like when someone goes, oh, dude, have you heard about? And I'm like, wait, what? Hold on.

Let me start with the big head. Easy, easy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's, I don't really care. Like, I don't really, like I tried to learn about the Ukrainian Russian thing. And I always just veer into the wrong direction. And then I'm like,

I just, then I just get obsessed with Putin. And then I'm like, Yeah, you started doing, We need to party one night. Yeah. Yeah, you started doing a lot of, Died in the manner you thought Putin. I was, to the day I was like,

I was like, I'm gonna learn some shit. See, if you go to Rogen these days, you gotta really care about some stuff. Some current events. Yeah, you gotta be like a fucking hate fat people or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or like a fucking, that always works really well.

Or you gotta know some shit about that no one knows about. Like, like, Damien, do you know anything about East Ireland and Joe's like, no, for real? And you're like, you know anything about you struggling Joe's like no for real you like you know the Dutch it explores first founded and they were they're no trees on he's dry you got you know a bunch of Portuguese kidnaps bunch of Easter Island people like a little little homework before you go on I've never well I've never done I've never done any preparation to do Joe. No, me neither.

And you look at dudes and they have fucking lists. I have done zero preparation and it shows. I'm my favorite, I mean those are like my favorite Rogan appearances. Me too. It's just like, yeah, it's just a fucking. Yeah, I mean, I love, I love like, like, if you're a scientist, have your talking points or whatever, when it's just a fucking yeah, I mean I love I love like like

If you're a scientist have your talking points or whatever, but like I I don't really I don't know yeah I don't even think I'm supposed to do it tomorrow and I haven't heard back from him I'd be shocked if I fucking do it Isn't it so weird how big he's gotten? Yeah, it's so fucked up. It's like, I saw, this is how, I, I, because he doesn't, he really doesn't check this out, but I told him the weirdest thing to me is,

you know, if I open Twitter and your name was trending, you clearly rape someone or something, you know? Oh, like it would, you clearly raped someone or something. You know, it would be like a major crime. There was a cigar that was trending one time, and it wasn't you. I was like, oh, there goes our business. Yeah, so, but every other day, I open Twitter, it says trending, Rogan, I open it,

and it's just people talking about it. It's not a new thing, it's not something he did or said. And that's where I told him, I was like, it's so strange. And he just, you know, he's like, I don't know, he doesn't pay attention to it. But it's strange that like, you know, him saying something like whatever, an opinion of that.

He said Justin Trudeau is a dictator. Oh yeah, I mean, that's been trending now for weeks, even like well after, it gets recycled. And he has like a whole, I mean, an army of people that they're holding. This is how little I know about Justin Trudeau. Yeah. I did he date Jennifer Aniston.

I don't think so. Pretty sure he did. How do you know this? Because I, that's the only way I know that name. So you've Justin Trudeau jaded, yeah. I think you're thinking of Justin Thurough that was married to her. Fuck.

Yeah. Not the same person. Yeah, the actor. Let's see what that guy looks like. There he is right there. Ugh. Oh, why am I doing that? It's so mean.

There's a couple stories about him. Really? Yeah, big cock. Wait, but there she is with Justin. Oh, that's not, he's got a big dick. Yeah, this guy does. Is that Justin Trudeau's wife? On the right. She's pretty hot. Justin Trudeau is a good looking dude.

Yeah. That's always the thing about him. Was that he's like, they're like, he's a pop. Remember when he first popped? You don't have him. Oh, he did blackface, right? Yeah. Yeah.

It's a great transition. We found that racist. Oh, yeah, we found the racist pot you don't know. Oh, he did black face, right? Yeah. Yeah. It's a great transition. We found that racist. Oh yeah, we found the racist quiz. Here it is. All right. All right, ready? Ready?

I want you to take this quiz. Okay, so wait, am I taking it and I'm doing it honestly? Do it honestly. You would not do it for a joke. Don't be on TV. No, no, no, but I'll do it honestly. Do it honestly. Yeah, okay.

All right. Do you consider yourself racist? No, just put maybe no I guess Michael it's mine Do you have a first impression of a person by their color or race? Yes, yes, of course. Yeah. Thank you. Good job. Thanks Is there a particular race you don't like no Do you make racial remarks comments jokingly? Yeah, jokingly. Do you have friends who belong to different race?

Yes. Why is there, well, there are a few, they are more like my peers. Say people you work with, it's your job. Ah, no, it's yes, it's yes. What is your opinion on interracial relationships? It's different. Just give it, just say it is normal. That's cool.

Yeah, that's cool. When you, what is your first reaction when seeing a Caucasian woman? Oh, I should read the answers to people who are listening. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The answers, the options are, oh, he, she is so cute. That is actually definitely what I think. Like that's so cute. I want to get one.

Good for them. Good for them. Who the fuck says good for them? That's people. Well, good for them. Actually, you might Who the fuck says good for them? That's people. Well, good for them. I mean, you might be racist. That child is probably adopted. He is so trashy is an option.

Yeah. Why would you say that? It's definitely the cute one. Yeah. Do you deny to involve in other people's festivals or cultural gatherings? The options are yes. Sometimes it depends on the culture

rarely and no. No, no, the fuck doesn't want to go to Chinese New Year's. How will you react if you see an act of racism? I wouldn't say anything. I will take action against it to each their own. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that.

I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that.

I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that.

I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that. No, that's too close. What did they say? No, like our pilot came on the other day. Yeah. And he was like, maybe I shouldn't even say that. I don't think he listened to two pairs.

He came on and he was like, hey, I want to look at him. I'm going to look at the jet. This is chin. She's our Asian persuasion. And everyone was like, oh, yeah. But no one was like, hey, Amy Schumer is in that plane. She had been like, I, like if Amy Schumer is in that plane, she'd have been like, I'm getting off this flight. Like she has to she has because that's her brand now is to be like an activist. Right, right. So like and I'm

Thank God, I'm not a fucking activist. I was just like You are far from an activist. That's okay. That's okay. I insulted I insulted the other pilot the second I got on the fucking plane What'd you say? I She was a woman and I was like, do we have any cocktails on here? And she was like, I'm the pilot. And I was like, okay. And I looked around and was like, I was like, hey Jen. I think the answer is I don't say anything. Yeah, that's what I did.

That's not a saying. I just go like this, I go like this. Ooh. Do you like the quiz? Yes, just so they don't I go like this. Ooh. Do you like the quiz? Yes, just so they don't call you a racist. Okay. If you put no, they're like, you're racist. Okay.

Give you results. You got it. You are not racist. All right. All right. All right. Now, let's see how racist you can be. Huh.

And not be racist, though. Okay. This is what you want to toe the line. Yeah, here we go. Okay. Start it over. Start it over. I've been doing this all night in my bed.

Are you having? Oh, I take this quiz non-stop. All right. Hit start. So, here's how you tow the line. Maybe. Start with a maybe. Okay.

Do you consider yourself a racist? This is, you're going, I don't know. Okay. Maybe. All right. Maybe. I don't know who's asking. Now for the people, do you have a first impression of a person by their color or race?

Yes. Okay. Yes. Is there a particular race you don't like? Because that wouldn't be toeing the line. That's just flat out. That is a particular race you don't like. I think, I think if you're racist,

you're like, no, I like everybody. What I'm doing is for the liberals in my neighborhood that are our racists, but they're not. Okay. No, no, no, I like everybody. What I'm doing is for the liberals in my neighborhood, there are racists, but they say they're not. Okay. No, no, no, no, no, no. Okay, so it's definitely no. You gotta say no there. No.

Do you make racial remarks? Comment, this is interesting because it gives you a bunch of options. It's sometimes jokingly rarely in no. It's sometimes. Sometimes, okay. Do you have friends who belong to a different race? Do you gotta go with, well, different race? Do you got to go

with, well, there are a few. Yeah, well, there are a few. They are more like my peers, because that's more, let's like, well, I can't really help it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. What is your opinion, interracial relationship? This is, okay. Type in, it's weird. Wait, scroll back up again then. What are the options? That's cool. It's normal. It's different.

I think if you want to tell the, uh, I guess you'll know. You do it different. I think different is like, it's different. Different feels more, uh, like you wouldn't know what you're saying. It's coded. Different. It's like, well, you know, it's different. Yeah, put in it's different.

Yeah. What is in a different? What is your first reaction when seeing a Caucasian woman with an African-American child? Again, the options are, he issues cute, good for them. Good for them, putting good for them. Good for them, yeah. Good for them.

I'm glad that they catch it. You gotta keep your liberal mindset. Do you deny to evolve in other people's festivals or cultural, I think? Put rarely. Cause hold on, think about that they go, well, yes, I don't belong rarely. Because hold on, think about it, they go, well, yes, I don't belong there. That is there, that is there.

If you're thinking about your neighbor, right, they would go, I don't belong in somebody else's culture. No, I was invited to a power the other day and I was like, put yes. How will you react if you see an act of racism? That's your own. But somebody who, like, if you're talking about a neighbor, they would say, I would take action against it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

These answers are really loaded. I would take action against it. Did you like the quiz? No, I didn't like the quiz. View my results. Okay. Oh, wow. You're not racist. I think I just, I didn't like the quiz. View my results. Okay. Oh wow. You're not racist.

I think you're far away from being racist. I think it's pretty racist without being racist. Yeah, yeah. I think what actually got the person out of it was I'll take action against it. You think? I think so. I've been doing this.

I've been trying to hit the algorithm of like what makes you racist? I did it for, if you do it for like, like I think Ron took it and he was like oops. They were like you hate black people. He was like oh what? Oh. The, no.

It's crazy. I've answered it like nine different ways in bed last night. Yeah. And I never got racist. Maybe this quiz is designed to just always say you are not racist. Maybe a racist designed it. And it was like, yeah, man, you're not racist. You're not as bad as my friend.

What if you can't get your racist? The, I was watching a listen to a documentary on Woody Guthrie. Who's that? So you, do you know this land is your land? This land is, he wrote that song. Okay. He was like a folk singer. He was born in 21, 21 or something, 1921.

He turned 100. He was a protest guy, but he was a protest guy. His dad was in the KKK. His dad was like the grand wizard. And he came out and was a protest guy, but he was a protest guy. His dad was in the KKK. His dad was like the grand wizard. And he came out and was a protest guy. And I thought that was crazy. His dad was in the KKK. He was liberal.

See, that's like a different liberal. When he, do you think Bill Clinton's ever said the N word? What? Do you think Bill Clinton's ever said the N word? Yes. Right? Yeah. How come no one's ever said the N word? Yes. Right? Yeah. Do you, I come to know he's ever asked him that.

But like Bill, I just had to cure that. You ever said the N word? I mean, maybe somebody has, but if you're in the press, you're never getting to ask another question. So. Hey, Bill, two questions. One, did you rate that chick and have you ever said the N word?

There's two parts. It's a two part. Well, that would be a great thing for, like, when somebody lands, like, their good morning America, or 60 minutes interview in their politician, if someone's like, thanks for joining us today. Just write it off the bat. Have you said the N-word?

And they should be the first question to everyone. Yeah. Wait, when? When? Today? No. Have you watched the John Wayne Gacy thing? The tapes on you did?

I did start watching that. Can I tell you something? I thought about you. Why? Because I was like, he definitely would, if you were 16, 100%. Oh, would it give me 100%? And you would definitely would have been like,

go party with you, like, because he was like, you want to smoke and drink? You'd be like, yeah. Hey, but why don't you just spend the night here and drive up with John? I'd be like, go party with you, because he was like, you want a smoke and drink, you'd be like, yeah. But why don't you just spend the night here and drive up with John? And I'd be like, okay. Wanna play pool again? Sure, John. Yeah.

I want to play each other for kisses. Huh? I don't know, man. He's like, just have another drink. You're like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, hey, you want to see how these trick handcuffs work? You'd be like, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you try.

John, this isn't, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, did he fuck those boys? Yeah. He was like, he's gay. oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, He was and he would even describe himself as gay. The main thing is he didn't want you to think that he loved other men. He just used them for some sexual, it is really fucked up. Do you think if John Wayne Gasey was born today with the progress we have with gay rights, do you think he just was just been in gay dude?

I don't know, it's really interesting, like that, that asked me. No, that's a dumb question because there are, that's a dumb question, that's a dumb question. there are that's a dumb question. That's a dumb question. Because I'm blaming John Wayne Gacy on his behavior. Yeah. On on I'm linking it to his sexuality when right when other zero killers kill women and rape them and they can be straight. Well, yeah, I mean, but there there's a layer to that to the repressed homosexual. I mean, he's still a psychopath who, you know, he killed 33 people that we know of, which is, and he did it in a short window.

He did it from 72 to 78. I wonder if after you kill someone, it feels like when you're done jacking off, when you're like, oh, I should have done that. Oh, I thought it maybe event like, oh, I'm ready to go to sleep. Because that's really what, that's what he did a lot. He just, he'd kill people and then just go to bed. Yeah. One time the cops came over after he'd killed the last kid,

the one that they ended up starting the search for. Yeah. And he left the kid. The last one was the one in the grocery store. So he brought his birthday. He brought that kid home exactly. And he killed him and he put him left the kids. Last one was the one in the grocery store. Right, so he brought his mom's birthday. He brought that kid home, exactly. And he killed him, he put him in the attic. Then the cops had come wild, the body was still up there.

They didn't have the search warrant yet. And he was just like, oh no, and he was so just, you know, not sure a lot. He's like, he told the story that he had killed me. He's like, then I went to bed and he's like, fuck, I got this body, I gotta get rid of him. You know? Yeah, he was like, that's a lot. 33 is like, he's 33 all boys.

Yeah. That's fucking crazy. Who's like, do you think serial killers have gone, have tapered off? Well, the thing is, I don't think there's such thing as, you see, every, most serial killers have patterns. Like, he killed everybody in this small radius, like geographically.

And, you know, there's patterns for the killings he would go to this one area, pick them up, and then he had his way of killing them. I mean, the only way you would really be able, probably to be like a prolific serial killer in today's world would be to minimize patterns. Like, do it in different areas and have them seemingly not be linked together. Because the pattern is in that fun of killing people is getting your thing. Well, I'm saying that like, there's so there's

been such an advancement in how they track people and forensics and you know, whenever there's two or three killings that are similar in an area, they know they have somebody. Like it's not like before where you could go this whole long way, nobody would even think to research that. So I don't think you could get away with being somebody who kills a bunch of people in an area. You'd have to be like, I killed somebody in Maine and somebody in Montana.

You know, it would be like, it would be like that. What would you rather? If you were gonna do it, maybe try that. I don't know. What would you, what would you, what other advice do you have for zero killers at all? Oh, what other advice do you have for zero? Well, I think there's probably, what would you's somebody out there who is like really like psychopathic

evil, but really, really smart, right? And if they are, they probably have research so much all the way, like every, every givle, everything that could lead to your capture. But you know what? Why these guys always get caught is because they get sloppy. They get lazy. And if you're out there and you want to prove that you're not, you know, do you think we have a serial killer watching our show right now?

Probably. That's crazy. Yeah. Hey, don't kill us. Yeah, don't. Not us. Not us. We'll tell you who to kill. Oh, that could be fun. Dude. We just, what if they started? What if there was a serial killer? Who anytime we brought up someone in the show, they killed them and then the cops came to us and they're like, they're like, uh, hey man, you Hey man, you mentioned Bobby Lee's name. But he's missing. We're like, well, it's typical.

Yeah. Give him a week. Give him a week. But like, no, just look at Nadav. Nadav's like, don't do this. The, why would you kill someone when you come with your bare hands or a rope? It's a really good question. I thought about, I wrote a paper about it in high school.

For real? Yeah. They got to the speech finals with it. Uh, I could bring it in. I would love to see that paper. I know. But one teacher thought it was the funniest thing he'd ever seen and he pushed me through the next round.

Really? And I did it in the finals to like an auditorium full of like a thousand people. Really? Not as many laughs. Yeah. The guy before me explained what E equals MC squared is and then I was like, do you ever want to kill people? You know, here's the thing.

Like, don't be through. Well, we know this about about killing people with your bare hands and stuff, it's an incredibly intimate, rachful way to kill someone. So you gotta have a lot of fucking pent up aggression and hatred of someone to kill them up close in person with your bare hands. You know what I mean?

I just thought it depends on who are we trying to kill here? It's funny, I've never had the urge. I couldn't even wrap my head around the, like a Ted Bundy, the urge to break into someone's house and kill them. Yeah. Like I've never thought about that. It's never been like,

like I've thought about stealing things before, you know? Like I like, like someone leaves something at your house. Yeah. I don't want to call them. It's a nice, I've had that urge, you know, as a kid, never once, I didn't neighbor one time that broke into our neighbor's house to steal. And no, got all the under holes out of that underwear. Yeah, everyone was like, what the fuck? Yeah, I've never, I mean, I guess I've had the thought like, oh, steal this, keep this, this isn't yours. But to fucking murder somebody, yeah, fantasize about it, you know. All right, let's walk it through. but yeah, I fantasized about it, you know. All right, let's walk it through. Which time? Take one, you've heard a few different serial killers

and how they've done it. So, piecemeal together for me, how you would kill someone. Is it a college town? Is it a small town? Are you in a big city? Is it like, are you in LA? I'd like to go fucking research Ramirez. Big city. Big city, okay, big city. So, we'll put you in, we're gonna put you in a big city is like, you in LA, like the fucking Ramirez. Big city.

Big city, okay, big city. So we'll put you in, we're gonna put you in, you wanna do it in the south, in the north, where the north is just snow, you might have your tracks. Might be, I'll find you easier. Actually you're right. And the cold, the cold really helps preserving evidence.

So the hotter the climate, the better. All right, so you're in Miami. Okay. Fantastic. Fantastic. Fantastic. Yeah. It's gonna be a lot of people on our hard to kill down there. Yeah. There's a lot of people.

I might be the hardest city to kill people in. Yeah, there's a lot of killers walking around here. Yeah. Fuck Miami. You just go up to Palm Beach. Yeah. Very easier. So do you, do you, man or a woman?

Man. Oh, wow. I'm man or a woman? Man, oh wow, I'm going woman I'm gonna woman. That's nice definitely kill a woman. Yeah Yeah, is it like an amber herd type or what are you going for? No, I'm gonna kill oh I'm gonna kill yeah, oh she's gonna be gorgeous if I kill her I'm not gonna kill a fucking six She might be able to take me. Would you do the thing that you try to seduce her first? She's I'm hiding behind her door in her apartment. And she walks in. And she's making this fuck.

I go, you're bigger than I thought you'd be. She's like, where you at? I was like, fuck. And I tag her that she throws me into the wall. I just do a lot of time with my lots in her bed. And I'm like, turn out the way I wanted it to. I'm definitely killing a woman. Okay.

Well, so do you follow him for like a week? What if we trigger something in our brains and we go, this does sound fun. Yeah, of course it sounds fun. Yeah, I'd follow him. Yeah, you want to get down. Get to know him. Yeah. Get to know their schedule. Yeah, you do.

Say things to them that creep them out when that you're killing them. They're like, no, when you're killing them. When you're killing them, you'd be like, you'd be like, yeah, I bet you wish you hadn't gotten that big Mac. Cause I'm like, you follow me into McDonald's. You're like, I've been following you for a week.

You went four times this week. Yeah. You just point out, I'm like, hey, you know what? It looks like you should have gotten that milkshake anyway. Yeah. I'm not gonna have way to lose. Calorie count's not gonna matter now. Then you'd break.

Pull up a fucking hammer. I, how long do you, how long does it take? Do you kill them right away or do you take your time? Well, how much, I mean, do I, I hate this person? No, you know, that's the whole thing. You gotta kill people you don't, don't you feel it? Oh, okay, because if I, I was gonna say, if I hate them, no, that's just whole thing you gotta kill people you don't know if you know, okay, because if I I was gonna say if I hate them

No, that's just murder we're serial killers If we're just murdering people then I can do that easy peasy like I just go around there's a list I got a list of people you hate. Oh people that I would love to murder I would fucking I have a short list of people if you you're talking, you just murder. Yeah. But then people will find out my list and that's my track. That's my thing. And everyone's like, I don't share your list.

Yeah. Jesus Christ. What do you tell me? What do you tell me the list? What's happened to all the comics? So no, it's this person I don't know. I don't know them at all. Oh, fuck.

What if they recognize me when I go to kill them. They walk in their door and I'm like, and they're like, the machine, like, hey, what's up? Yeah. Like, oh, dude, I love super-sum-cave, I'm like, what are you doing in my apartment with a mask? Do you remember that episode? Oh, it's just a gag.

Do you remember the episode we were talking about killing people? They're like, yeah. Big boo. Can you get a picture with you, Charlie? Yeah, but then like. Yeah, let me hold it, and it's better if it's all he was Lance K? Yeah, but then like, Here, let me hold it and it's better if it's all he was landscape. Yeah, but then like, you gotta be like, they're like, oh my God, you scared me.

And then as they turn, you hit them on the back of the head. Yeah, no, no, I'm gonna have to kill, I'm gonna have to kill someone out of my demographic. So I'm looking at a female, probably like an Asian chick. Okay. Asian chick or a black chick. I'm probably not gonna do a black chick, I just took the racist quiz.

Yeah. Well, Asian. Not to do a Latina chick. I'm probably not gonna do a black chick. I just took the racist quiz. Yeah Well, I didn't do a Latina chick. Asian still another race. Yeah, I know, but I know, but Black's a little on the nose. Okay, if you kill a black chick, everyone's like, oh, he had a problem with black people If you go on Asian chick, they're like, okay. Oh, no, they're kind of like stop Asian hate Okay, all right, all right. It's gonna be oh oh, it's I'm going to have to kill. I'm going to have to kill someone like an Eskimo or something. No, I'm not killing a Jewish chick. I know I'm going to kill like something, something indigenous, Native Americans. Something indigenous. I'm going to I don't know. I'm going to have to drink. All right. Wait, well, do I, can I get some ice to put this on the dog? Let me go pee while you get ice. Oh hold on

Okay, okay, okay, okay voice text sucks dick Yeah, you do it a lot dude. I just did it to Joe I just did it to Rogan. Yeah, for voice text Yes, maybe I wanted to do a spot tomorrow night and I, I'd like to ask you to go to dinner with my parents. And I meant to say, I have to go to dinner with my parents. And so then he's like, huh? And I'm like, oh God. So he's just, I remember one time he said something.

He said something. He looked like he lost weight or something and I wrote back. I meant to write, whatever I meant to write, right, was no shit. But what I wrote back was I shit. And then he wrote no shit and I said, I went there. That's what I meant. Yeah. Okay. God damn it. That makes me fucking. We should be talking about the fucking taxes and the joy deans.

It gets so much better. It keeps going. Yeah. So people who don't know for years, I mean, a decade. Joey has made it. First of all, real clear, never text. He's like never text me. He's always like never text. Never fucking text. And you're like, so okay, and then the thing that sets him off the most has been group text. So if, because those like, we'll start trying to find some, I've been in a text thread that I didn't start but somebody else did where he was like the next person that sends a text, I'm gonna break your fucking fingers. I can't say what he said.

He's so rageful. I all I know is I sent a text, I was worried mostly about Taylor Thomas. Yeah. Yeah. Because Nikki and Taylor Thomas, I was like, some giving their number to everyone. I didn't know if they like they didn't want it, didn't want people to not have their number. So I did a group text on Instagram and said, Hey, if anyone, if anyone, I'd like to start

a group text for fully loaded because I need sizes. There's certain things I need to get everyone. And it's easier for me to just send the group and everyone reply. So everyone, and then I was like, I don't have Chelsea Lens numbers. Chelsea has been up here. No problem. Nikki's no problem. Taylor's like, no problem. Mark's like, I can't wait. You know, everyone's cool with it. Everyone's cool. I don't even think. I don't even think. I put a tell in Joey in it. That is what fucked everything up. I send the group text. I don't even think I put a tell and Joey and what's crazy is like every time I do a read I have everyone's I have the list of comics on my head and I always forget to say

mention Joey. I always forget to mention Joey. So when I go to do the text I go, oh Joey and I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Joey and I was like, yay, yay, yay, yeah. A towel has a fucking flip phone. Yeah. So that must be making his hem crazy. Well, the second you put a towel on it, you can't then remove people from the list because he's not an iPhone. It's no longer an iPhone chat.

It's a fucking, it's in the multiverse now. So I send the text. This is a nightmare. I send the text everyone. But what's great? What's great about this is, my phone rings immediately. It's Joey and I realize I put him in a group text

and I can't stop laughing. And I answer the phone and he goes, no, don't, don't. Give me off that fucking thing now. Give me off that fucking, stop fucking laughing, Berger. Give me off that fucking thing now. God damn it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, back, no he's serious. I think he fucked my mother today. I was like, new text, new text. So we do a new text and that, it was like,

I took a talent Joey off of it. So I was like, but the fucking Joey Diaz cracks me up. It's so funny, it's so funny that I love group texts. Yeah, I love them. Seems like you. Oh, I love them. That seems like you. I love them. I love when Aaron blind CCs and forgets to blind CC on the improv and just CCs everyone.

I love it. I love it. I've been a part of two of those. Aaron Von Schoenfeld, the booker at the improv. Can I tell you something crazy? Well, I never say her last name because it confuses me. I was going to tell him. I believe that too, but she sent

the evails email months ago and accidentally C seed everybody and it was like a 170 people or something I don't know something crazy. It was all comedians. Yeah. So right away she wrote to her own that she was like, oh shit, sorry. And then like everybody was like, I mean, there's people who are like, I'm having a rough time. People were like, I could do Thursday, you know, like they were responding with the veils

and people were responding with jokes and people were being inspired. People were replying, not knowing that everyone's on there and they're like, Aaron, Thanks for hitting me up. Oh My god, it was fantastic and there was a lot of jokes. I mean people were we're writing very funny thing Then people writing serious things and I read into Aaron. I saw one of the serious things So I think someone wrote a serious thing to all the comics. I was on what did she say? What is it? Whatever. Yeah, it's like I don't know. She's a she's a bad. She's like she's like yeah, okay. Yeah, whatever

She's like I fucked up. I shouldn't have sent it to everyone. I fucked up. That's on me. And then what was funny is I was on one of the ones and and I and there is a female comic that got really fucking pissed that she was on. That she was on it. She lit up. She was like, she was like, this is, I don't know, it was like, it was like, guys, can I not be a part of this? This is taking, I'm very busy. Like very upset and then they were like another group and it was destroying. Do you know that the group email? So this is like a this is like a equivalent of a text chat but

this is a group email. Oh my fucking god. Do they have grape? Do you have grape? What's up one over there? Is that grape? Citrus, wait, citrus, classic orange. Alright, what are you drinking? This is, this is cherry. This isn't real. I'm gonna try it. This is orange soda. And it, this is a fucking orange soda.

It's got booze in it. Oh my God. I think those measurements are not gonna be going down for you, pretty soon. It's barely any calories in it. It's gotta be a hundred calories. Okay. That's Coke.

Yeah, it's classic cola there. We these are hard sodas. Yeah. Oh, fuck me. All right, I'm trying. I'm trying. Bad light heart sodas. Dude, this is fucking awesome.

That's damn good. Dude, there's no out all this. I'm gonna find out. There is alcohol. I'm gonna find out. I'm alcohol. I'm gonna find out. I'm about to drink a bunch of them. I'm about to put these back, baby. The funniest, the funniest. I gotta tell you what I did. Wait, what did you do?

So the group email thing, it lasted a few days initially. I love those. I know. And then it naturally just died. And then like three months went by. And it somebody revived it. And then some people were right. And I was out on the road.

And I wrote an email that I was doubting if I should send. Oh my god. Wait, wait. And I showed the comic I was with and of course he was like, yes, send it. Yeah, yeah. if I should send. Oh my god. Wait, wait. And I showed the comic I was with, and of course, he was like, yes, send. Yeah, yeah. So I hit send. And I'm either like, oh, man, I don't know how that's

going to be received. And then I went to my email later. It was stuck in my outbox. It said, there was an unknown recipient. And so it just didn't send. And then I was like, this is assigned to delete this sign. Wait, what was the letter? I can't tell you.

Wait, why not? Why not? Why not? Tell me what it is. Tell me. I wrote this to everybody. Okay. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH They're funny as fuck. They're funny as shit. They're funny as fucking shit. Can you imagine how funny I'd be if I'd another me? I'm doing all the work by myself. Yeah. I would love to be a fucking scholar brother. Can you imagine if it was the the the crazier twins? How much would you love?

The more the less wouldn't be alive. How much would you love a clone? Oh, dude. I'd lock him in a dungeon and I'd harvest his organs. I Would love a fucking kid. K the gacy would have gotten to you so quickly. Oh You want to watch some porn? I was super easy to truck already did it pretty quickly. Yeah I would love a fucking twin. I kind of have a twin. You're like my twin.

I am kind of You never got a brother, huh? No, I have two sisters. Me too. Yeah, I know. Do you feel like you ever wanted a brother? Yeah, I would have been cool to have a brother. Oh yeah. Like older brother or younger brother? I thought about that. Ultimately, I thought that I wanted an older brother. Because I think about all that, like, yeah, he would have kicked my ass,

but he probably would have, like, gotten me ready for things better, you know? I have such younger brother energy. I have such a little brother energy that I'm glad I was not an older brother. But you are an older brother to two sisters but they don't count their women. They don't like, what?

Yeah. They get lit up in a swim meet. How old do you talk to your sisters? All the time. They're flying to Austin today. With your parents? Yeah. My parents are getting stem today. With your parents? Yeah. My parents are getting stem cells.

I'm getting stem cells. I'm really excited because it's stem cells. Tomorrow or tomorrow. Tomorrow or tomorrow. And then you fly with your parents? I fly with my parents. They're all coming down. We're going dinner tomorrow night.

And then you're all going to LA? We're all going to LA. And then we're going to spend that guy, Jesse. It's her. It's I don't. When I see a name that looks guy, Jesse, it's her. I don't, when I see a name that looks complicated, I give up on it. Yeah.

Do you know what I'm talking about in the dove? No. I'm really, this guy's really fucking inspiring. He said a few things that I just, that I keep in my crawl. Jesse, it's Ler, it's Ler, it's Ler. ITZ, L-E-Harm, maybe. I don't know. Typing Sarah Blakely, he's married to Sarah Blakely. It looks Ler. It's Ler. ITZ, L-E-Harm, maybe. I don't know.

Typing Sarah Blakely, he's married to Sarah Blakely. It looks like we... That's him, that's him. So like, he's an interesting guy. So like, they used to live here, I think. In Austin? Yeah, I think so. I'm pretty sure they did.

I'm what they have. They own the Atlanta Hawks. Yeah, and I think they live in Atlanta now. But he started like, what did he do? The doctor highlights to his family. So he wrote a single for like, for something, for like a, for like the nix or something. Mm hmm.

And then he founded a jet company. Okay. And Marquis Jets. Well, looks like he founded, he founded wheels up, right? Yeah, what's wheels up? Oh, no, he founded alphabet city records for you, right? Then he co-founded Marquis Jets, okay. And so, but the way his brain worked,

is I don't have the same brain, but I identify certain things he says, where I go, that's how I feel. Like one of the things he did, I'm butchering this, I'm sure, but he, at the very early on, someone needed a jet. And he went in his own pocket and got that guy a jet,

knowing that if he got, took care of that guy, he got his business back. And the guy came back, was like, you get all my business. And that's why my brain works. Like when we did a conference call for LeoDodid, and I was like, I was like, hey, just, already think that the money

that I'm making for this, my money, put that back into the budget. And Lee has like, what the fuck are you doing? And I was like, I go, this only works if we do a second one, right? If I make fucking a little money here, it doesn't help me. I want to do another one.

It only really works if I do 10 years of these. And it turns into the, like, the marquee comedy festival for this summer and we're doing 50 cities. And it's a big deal and everyone's going in and out. We have all the names and comedy festival for this summer and we're doing 50 cities and it's a big deal and everyone's going in and out and we have all the names and the list is this long. I said, that's the only way this works. So I don't, I'm going to invest my money back into it and Nick, my agent called me and was like, that is the right way to think about this festival. And but that's the way he thought about it. And I kind of got that from him because his brain

works. So he says something about his parents. And you said you said this to me too. When you know when your dad passed, when your dad passed, I kind of realized just how finite the amount of time we have of our parents, and he said, say you got 10 years left through parents, right? And then you're going to see them once a year, then you're going to see your parents 10 more times. That's it. And he goes, wouldn't you wanna see them for 20 more years? Well, you can, just see them 20 more times. Make it twice that they come out.

You know what, make it four times that they come out. See your parents fly your parents out four times. That investment, you will have 40 times more time with parents. Yeah. So that's how I, when I flew the amount here to get stem cells,

my mom's got a bad knee. And then at the last minute, I was like, my mom's got a bad knee. And. And then at the last minute, I was like, you know, we had this mix up with the jet. And I was like, you know what? I'm gonna find my sisters out. I'm a filial. And out we're all gonna have dinner in our Austin. My dad loves Austin loves Austin. And then I said, why don't I just, I told my parents, I said, why don't I just take you back to L.A.

See the girls for the weekend? See it. Coddy's kids and then I'll fly you back to Tampa, see the girls for the weekend, see Coddy's kids, and then I'll fly you back to Tampa, and they're like, they're like, buddy, that's a lot of money, and I was like,

don't worry about it. The time you get with them is the important part. That's a jessie, just look, he's doing a fucking run up his house. It's got a house somewhere in somewhere, something. Yeah. He's doing like a big half marathon,

and he invites people out, they pull it plunge, they sauna. He's like a really inspirational dude, but he does like a hundred mile races. He's one of those guys. Yeah, what you're saying to it, kind of takes me back to Gacy,

because he thought that if he was sloppy on that first kill, it's like everything falls apart, but you pay attention, you do the work, and then you're able to pull it off for a bunch of years, you know. There's no way this is a hundred calories. No. John Wayne Gacy. I would be I would be very 5% alcohol by volume. I would I would imagine knowing myself that my first murder would be all over the place My first and also you'd panic so much. I mean, I think we all would but I think you would be like oh my god

Can you imagine being so free knowing you're about to kill someone? Yeah, I'm being so free. You can say whatever you want What do you mean? I like to them? Yeah, I can say anything. Yeah, just every secret you ever wanted to share You're about to kill him. You're like, I want to tell you. I pull up a chair. They'll be tied up. I pull up a chair. I'm going to tell you a lot of things. You go, OK, a secret time.

And they're like, this isn't funny. A secret time. A secret time. A secret time. That would be fun. Because that's kind of crazy. Because that Asian lady would be just bawling. So scared. I don't. Did you pick me because I'm Asian? No, I tried to just pick anyone. That's kind of crazy because you know that Asian lady would be just bawling so scared

I don't did you pick me because I'm Asian no, I tried to just pick anyone, but you just happen to be Why do I need people I do Chinese New Year every year I have the funniest fucking joke that I can't tell why fucking joke that I can't tell. Why? Is this, hang the dog can you edit this out? Sure, okay. All right, go back to our show. That was a horrible joke.

I wouldn't kill an Asian person, because I would have to kill... Maybe I would kill a black chick, just to make sure everyone knew I wasn't racist. I like how you're thinking. It's progressive. Because you're thinking like, well, if I don't kill a black chick, then everyone's like, I know what I'm doing.

I know what I'm doing. I actually know what I'm doing now. I'm going to kill you ready for here's my thing. Okay. Here's my thing. Yeah. I'm going to kill a different race every week. This is what we're talking about. You're avoiding patterns. Here's my thing. Yeah. I'm gonna kill a different race every week. This is see, this is what we're talking about. You're avoiding patterns. That's really good. And so, but no,

they'll catch it. And they'll be like, Bert Christchurch that have done their diversity killer. Yeah. And they're like, and then and then everyone's like, like, once you know your race is good, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, he's already killed a black jacket. Oh, let me throw on this cream colored leather jacket for you. Oh, please, oh please. Tell me everything is good fashion. I bought this last week. We're going into summer. Go ahead and talk about the, it doesn't matter.

OK, I'm really excited. I'm going to wait. I'm going to close my eyes so that I can open it. Let's see this cream color leather jacket. Lightweight, sounds lightweight. Sounds like it's a nice leather. I'm hoping it has a gold zipper. Ooh. Well, I like that a lot.

Yeah? Well, I like that a lot. What do you think, good summer jacket? Potsy. So yeah, from when it's windy. Yeah, windy summer. Like a windy summer. It's kind of like, it is, I don't look heavy at all.

Who makes it? I'd rather not say. Good, Gucci. No. Prada. Mhmm. People will find it and it's not going to be good. Oh, good people will find out how it's not gonna be good. Oh, good to be able to find out how much it costs.

It's way too much. Why don't you have a problem with spending money? I have a such a problem spending money. Do you really? I do. I don't have a problem spending money on, I don't have a problem spending money on like, like the bus or like hotels or getting an Airbnb

and stuff like that. I don't have a problem spending money on like that. I have a problem spending money on myself, like meaning like to give myself a treat. Like it's in a- You love treats. I love treats, but- What do you go through when it's time to get a treat?

Talk all. What? Talk all. We- No, what do you go through? Like when you're just like, I'm gonna have a problem with getting- What do you go through? Oh.

What do you mean when I go like, oh, I don like, oh, I go, I don't need it. I go, I don't need it. And then I can just keep the money. Yeah, but that's healthy. I mean, I think you only get the, you should, you know, you get treats if you're like excited by them, right? Yeah, and I,

I also get excited by everything. I get excited about a lot of things. Like, like the last treat I bought, the last thing I bought that was expensive was, oh I'm buying, but nobody, I'm buying the girls a golf cart. Yeah. I'm buying the girls a golf cart.

And so I'm excited for that, but that's kind of for me also a little bit, but it's really for them, because they want a big golf cart for the beach, so you can drive their friends around the summer. That sounds cool. Yeah, so but that I don't have a problem. I don't have a problem spending money on on travel like like a I don't have a problem. I remember the first time I remember when I did have a problem

I remember the day I didn't have a problem. I was in Seattle and I was flying to London to meet the girls They were the girls already in London and I was doing it on miles and my business manager called me and he goes Yeah, you should buy the ticket and I was doing it on miles and my business manager called me and he goes, yeah, you should buy the ticket. And I was like, I don't want to fucking wait for an upgrade. And he was like, by first class, and I was like, I'm not spending $6,000 on a ticket. And he goes, are you doing the show? I see him doing some shows and he goes, it's a business spend.

So you're going to work. And you're going to see the girls are there. You're going to go to work, didn't buy it. I went, wait, what? He was like, yeah, definitely spend money on your travel if you're working. And dude, I have no problem. I love.

I mean, I have some of my favorite things, some of my favorite memories are getting on first class seats. I remember flowing up flying Emirates from Fiji to Australia. Ooh, private cabin. Those are the best. Dude. It's almost an indulgence watching the YouTube videos Casey nice dad. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah his videos hit when he did those videos

It made me want to travel. Yeah, I thought you know what I told I told I told KFC radio the radio. The, uh, uh, fight, uh, fight over in, uh, and Kevin, I'm gonna fly them to Europe. You're flying them to Europe? Yeah, with me on a surprise weekend. Okay. I told them they can't be, they're gonna get a phone call. All says is meet me at the airport tomorrow at 8 a.m. And they'll go to JFK and I'll meet them at the airport.

And I'm taking them to Europe. We're going, we're flying over. This is the show. What? Nope. I just, I just, I like this energy. Oh, I got you. I like the energy of the spontaneous. Yeah, and they were into it, and I said, I love it.

So what happened is we were, we were on the road, and we had three days off, and it was like, and we were like, well, well we could we should just go get Go get an Airbnb. We were on the east coast and I said let's go to France and They were like what everyone the bus. So let's everyone got the passports. Let's go to France Okay, let's just fucking fly to France tonight. We'll have dinner. We'll sleep My head. I was like we'll sleep on the airplane. We'll land. We'll have dinner We'll spend the night in hotels wake up fuck around fuck around, get on a plane, fly back,

and that'll be our two day talk. That's awesome, I love that. And fucking they said no. Why? They were like, I don't know, it just seems stupid. Like no one wanted to do it. I would have said yes, sir. I know, I know.

And so I told that to the guys over at KFC and they said, they said they would have gone. They said we would have gone on a heartbeat and I said then let's make a deal. Let's go. And I'm like what? I said let's go. And I and I have a travel agent who is, let's take a look at, well, first of all, I'm not flying coach. So you can pull that 884 non-stop. This is just to show you the times, how long it takes to get there. And I told him I said,

you can bring one person, one person from your team to film it. I'll bring one person from my team to film it. I'll bring Peter to organize it. And we'll do it. And I said it, I told Leanne and they had like, why the fuck are you doing this? Well, it's fun.

Yeah. It's fun. And then it got, what happened is, a secret time I got to take it. A secret time I got to take it. It was for this weekend. It was for this weekend. But then my parents were coming out to LA.

I was gonna do this, and then I was gonna fucking fly to New York. Secret time guys. It's already passed. We were gonna go this weekend. Really? Yeah. I was gonna do this, do Rogan,

and then I was gonna fly to New York. Tell them, and then go. Text them, and then we were gonna go, and we were gonna go, I still may take them to the place we were gonna go. And, did you have reservations? We had everything, I read everything booked, unhold, and then for my travel agent, Felicia was like, we got it.

How'd you pick where you wanted to eat? So what's crazy? It's crazy. It's crazy. No, no, no, so I can't tell you, I can tell you, but you can bleep it out. Yeah, yeah, do that. We were gonna go.

Really? Yeah. Wait, from New York? From New York, yeah. It's direct. Right? This is gonna be badass. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was gonna be a whole fucking event. And so my this is gonna be badass. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was gonna be a whole fucking event And so I plan it is gonna be awesome into my parents We had a the mix up with the jet and so they're like you got to use this before this tours over and so my parents We got them so I said all right put them on pause so put everything and scrap everything and I told my pravel agent I said just find me some cheap first class tickets to, from JFK somewhere. Just keep your eyes peeled and she said, okay, and then she'll call me and she'll be like, hey, a week from now, Zurich or whatever.

And I'll be like, all right. And then so I won't tell those guys until the night before. But you're definitely gonna do that. Yeah, I'm gonna do it. It's gonna be fun as fuck. I love the idea. That's a really fun idea. I love, well, as fun as I am, you open my idea to fun.

Like the way your fun is different, your fun is calculated. Yeah. Like your fun is like, I'm gonna fly Matt Faire and his wife up to Seattle. We're gonna have dinner, we're gonna go to this factory, we're gonna take a tour of this, and then I'm going to bed,

like that's what your brain wants. Yeah, yeah. Like my brain's like, fucking three day bender. No, I can't. I literally can't though. It's not even a choice. I can't do it.

I get really, like I, I know my fucking day and maybe a number of days are fucked on Staying up later than I want to I thought about I thought about you last night last night We were out here grilling like fucking midnight Who's yeah, we were out here fucking till like two in the morning. You were oh, yeah, oh, yeah cops came It was that yes security guard came alarm went off. It was, yes, security guard came.

A alarm went off. It was pretty fun. Yeah. Oh, I have a wee bit of stories to tell you. And so your security guard's fucking hilarious. And so yeah, by the way, I immediately said, if Tom was back here, that guy would be fired tomorrow. It might still happen.

So, so, but the security here is actually pretty fucking great, oddly enough. But I said, I wonder what Tom's doing. And I had a vision of you on your couch, like, like, like, split out like Leopatra with your phone, like, and like, no shirt with like, your necklace off to the side and your kids jumping all over you. They fucked me up yesterday for sure. Did they?

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the whole thing is like when I come home, they're like, we can torture you. And they just fucking jump, bite, scratch, kick. You know, they're like, throw us. Oh, yeah. Wait, so what time were you out here till? I don't know.

Late, Dave came back out at five in the morning to check on the brisket. What time it start? We put it on around 11, smoked a joint, smoked a cigar, killed some drinks, came back and passed out for a little bit. Woke up, took a shit, jerked off. You know what I did? What?

Went to bed last night, set my alarm, got up, worked out, showered, ate some egg whites with turkey, and drove here. Like a serial killer. You picked out an outfit, you showered, you put on cologne. No cologne. Do you work cologne? Sometimes, I wanna, I wanna send.

We should come out with a two bears cologne. I think we should probably not do every idea What would our glue and smell like I mean if it's on brand It'd probably smell like fucking an old restaurant I don't want to do that. Have you had the two bears sent? Yeah, fucking it definitely keeps the checks away. Burk Christ of the diversity killer. The diversity killer. And then I'm then I and then I and then what would really throw them for a loop is there'd be like, oh, I guess it is like really a hate crime. If you're

killing every ethnicity, they hate crime killer. Well, now I'm just telling you a white supremacist. Yeah, I mean, I think you know what you do. What? You kill two white people for every one non-white you kill. And then you're like, I'm fucking, I'm balancing it out. I'm trying. That's a great idea. So like what I got to find is roommates.

Yeah. That was the crazy one. The crazy one was at University of Florida. Type that in real quick, Nidav. That guy, you know, what's crazy is this before the internet, so like they thought it was one guy, and then they persecuted that one guy, and then they found out it was another guy,

and they're like, never mind. Devlin Gainesville, dude, I was a senior, maybe I was a junior in high school when this happened. And dude, isn't it, like, he just looks like every guy you see walking into a gas station or the bank, he just looks like a regular dude. They thought it was someone else, I think. So that he cut off their heads and put it on manels.

He did? He cut off their heads. Like, on manals. He did. He cut off their heads. Like he like arranged. He arranged it. So, I do people left Gainesville and came home. Like, what happened in the fall? I think August, yeah, yeah, 1990.

I was in, I was a senior in high school. And he killed four people at Santa Fe Community College and for at University of Florida, but that's all in Gainesville. I was a senior in high school and he killed four people at Santa Fe Community College and For at University of Florida, but that's all in Gainesville and then mutilated the bodies to capitated one then pose them and He took a shower before leaving the apartment. That's good call. Jesus great that down on my list of things to do. And then dude, bouncer wrists together behind her back there in the killer with a knife is he called for clothes. Anyway, for sure, face down. Oh my god. Kind of takes a fun out of pretending to be zero killers when you read about the real ones. Yeah, sure does. Yeah. But I remember a lot of people, uh, left, that was the beginning, that was like orientation at University of

Florida. And people just came home, uh, like this detail, all the victims were petite white brunettes with brown eyes, just like Rawlings mother. See, see, seeing that makes them look like he's a creep. If you kill all different people, then they're like, well, Bert, you know, it's inclusive. Yeah. Mm-hmm. He had numerous scars on his face, but what, they thought it was another guy.

Isn't that crazy? Like the same thing happened with that guy, the Atlanta bomber. Yeah. Richard, Richard, uh, uh, uh, jewel, Richard jewel. Do you see, do you see that, uh, I'm getting, I have a little bit of buzz right now from that, drink one drink, it feels great. This feels awesome. But do you remember, there was, uh, there was a,

I'm gonna fuck this up. So there was a journalist, and I've seen if you can figure this out, there was a journalist in Atlanta who's heaving a figure this out, there was a journalist in Atlanta who they portrayed as a whore. They portrayed her as a whore in the movie about Richard Jewel. In the movie, she's portrayed that way? As a fucking straight up whore.

Okay. Straight up fucking whore. And you're saying you might have this wrong. I might have this wrong. Okay. Okay. Okay. Ah, here we go. So maybe I shouldn't say a name. I think she's dead. But she is the one

that made Richard Jula household name. Okay. She made it and the way they portrayed it in the movie is that basically she fucked everyone to get her stories and then was and acted like a whore to get the stories to ruin his life and she ruined his life. And then they portrayed her not so glowingly in the movie and people were like, this is unfair, this is unfair that you do that to her, but she ruined an innocent man's life, ruined it. Yeah, ruined it.

Did you watch that movie? Oh dude, it was fucking awesome. Yeah, it was that guy that played Richard Joule is so fucking good. He, ruined it. Did you watch that movie? Oh dude, it was fucking awesome. Yeah, it was guy that played Richard Joel is so fucking good. He is an amazing. He's an amazing fucking actor. What is his name? I I've actually chatted with him. No, on on yeah Paul Walter house or yeah, he is fucking awesome. Yeah. So I did a table read for a movie one time. Yeah. Awesome. Yeah, so I did a table read for a movie one time. Yeah It's a legendary movie and There he's good in everything by the way this guy really good everything. Yeah, but uh, he they were like There were like came in when we read for this part. I was like yeah sure and then and I was like and then

K. I was like would you be interested in doing it? I was like, I don't know I was like he was like well, we got an offer out to this guy and I was like, and then Kay, I was like, would you be interested in doing it? And I was like, I don't know. I was like, he was like, well, we got an offer out to this guy. And I was like, I was like, you would be fucking awesome in this part. He was like, really? And I was like, in my head, I was like, oh, I think I just got myself out of the part. But he was like, he is awesome.

He is awesome. I killed that table read too. Josh Brolin fucking, the, the, I, I'm Josh Brolin fucking the uh the uh I Josh Brolin fucking loves me whatever. Yeah I told you told you how great you did. No, no, no, I just You just could feel it. Yeah I gotta tell you man party snitch Burke Chrysler Josh Burland's life looks fucking awesome. Do you think he drinks? I bet maybe sober I bet he is sober

Probably Cooper sober Brad Pitt sober Josh Burland celebrates eight years of sobriety that was last year Yeah, wow, and so he sobered. Dude, I had... What do you call this a sip? I had a sip. I'm fucking buzz. I have a buzz. I'm buzzed.

Wait, who can we... I want to... So when you hung with the Brad Pitt, you guys just stood there and had waters. Yeah. Fuck. Yeah. That's what I usually have. Waters, coffee, energy drinks.

I like end of the night. I don't do any, I don't like cocktails in the morning, mid-day. I love a morning cocktail. You know shit, you like all hours of it. I like a cocktail, like right now this cocktail is awesome. Okay. I'm gonna have to take a break, right? Take a break, take a nap or whatever.

I like it if it's a, like it's a day where I don't have commitments though. Yeah, yeah. You know, I don't drink to do, I don't wanna do it. I realized last night I was like, if I have nothing to do, I just end up drinking. Like if I have nothing to do, I go, I go, I kinda like the idea of going to a bar out of nowhere just whatever I gotta fucking see my

parents tonight fucking. Uh, that'll be alright. Yeah, but I'm yeah, do you want dinner? Yeah, I want to go we're gonna go to dinner tonight with Dave and and Peter and my parents. I kind of want to go to this place salt and time. I've been there. I've wanna get this place salt and thyme. Did I say that? I've been there. It's the fucking burgers look amazing. It's amazing. The burgers look fucking amazing. And then our steaks are even better.

It's fantastic. And then gotta go to dinner with my parents tonight and then, but it's like, yeah, I like a good morning cocktail. If I got nothing to do, or if I'm doing this, it's fun. But if I have something to do, I cannot drink. But if I have something to do, I cannot drink. Like if I have something to do, I'm aw, I'm, yeah.

And like I can't drink before a show. Like, Dave and Steve and Shane, they'll have like a drink. They'll like, get ready to go taste. I don't have a beer and you'll get ready to do the show. I can't do that. I have to be sober on stage. But then you'll bring a cocktail on stage for my late show.

My late show, I'll bring a cocktail and I'll do it. Maybe like it gets early, it's gotten earlier lately because I'll be like, I fuck it, you know. I'm like 22 minutes in. It's the 21st, 22 is when I'm trying to skinny up. I'm just, I just haven't done enough clubs. I've just been doing with theaters. So everything's kind of,

not, you just need the panic of a club where you're bombing a little bit, to skinny up in your head. Yeah, yeah. And so that's where I'm working on. I need an end to a story, I don't have. I just realized that for sure they're gonna not let me talent joke, like when I shoot a special.

I'm like, fuck. So you know what, I start thinking about, I'm like, oh, I'm gonna have to either just drop it completely or replace it with something and I don't know what I can replace it with. Yeah, I have a joke right now where I'm like, I have two jokes that are really good that I don't know if I'm gonna be able to.

Yeah, you know what, what is it? Well, it's just that I I don't say someone's name, but it's More than implied like it's a direct statement about and I think legal will be like you know You have to be prepared then like if you say this this person is you're calling of somebody out Really? Yeah, yeah, who are you calling out? I'm not trying to say it here is, you're calling somebody out. Really? Yeah. Who are you calling out? Well, I'm not trying to say it here either. Oh, yeah.

But I mean, jokes like that now, I think even like I'm saying in today's world, get, people more worried about green lighting it. I had a joke. I have a joke that I've got to figure out a work around because because it's right now it's like it's I don't know it's I'm gonna keep me in your and your set. I don't know I have so much fucking material. I have so much material right now that I'm like I don't know what to do. Yeah like I have I have no joke probably and if I did all my material in hour 45. Yeah. And I don't know what I want to do. So like one time, the joke I have, the joke I had about you was like this long, right?

And then, and then I took out the end part and it was better. And then I took out the beginning part, I did it one night, I was like, where are how fast I can tell that joke? Yeah. And I did it really quick in the middle of the machine I just went I haven't told that joke and I did it and and it went really well. And I was like, well, fuck. Well, then it's like now it's just I don't know. I'm like and then I added a different part to it and now it's like I don't even know I have so much fucking material. I just wish I could just that happens a longer your tour though because it's happened

I remember when I started touring this tour I probably had 55 minutes Yeah And then now it's that I can do I can do 80 85 but I don't want to mm-hmm, and I still feel like the best length of time for a show Like having done going long is going like 65. It's like the best

Sets where if you you can kill for harder and like more consistently. Yeah, and you can end on a bang where people are like They don't go like oh, finally. It's over, you know, it's like oh, I don't yeah, I don't have a closer right now That's a problem with me still telling the machine is I haven't I Actually kind of I wanted a secret secret time I took I fucked I'm I told you this but I took my I remember I was in the green room and and Dilea and Eliza were talking about their specials and Dilea was like they're only going to watch 30 and Eliza was like that's not true they watched the whole thing and I was like and then I went and I watched both of their specials and I and I saw what they meant at 30 I was like, that's not true, they watched the whole thing. And I was like, and then I went and I watched both of their specials and I saw what they meant at 30. I was like, oh, I feel like you get it.

And then I went, oh, okay, that's the algorithm. And that's what Netflix said that that was the algorithm. They're like, I was like, I don't put my closure at 22. And so I moved the, I think it was the zip lining story of 22, because that was the best, that was the best, that was my closer. So I moved it to 22 and then Netflix hit me up. And they're like, your rated retention was higher

than any special we've ever had. Why, what happened? And I said, oh, I just moved my closer to 22. So now I have all my fuck, now I've set up for doing stand up for like Netflix. Yeah. So like I'm taking my fucking closers and moving up up front so I don't have a fucking, I'm not a, I'm a closer anymore.

And then I'm like, well fuck. And because I tell the machine, it's like, I don't really need to close the show because I close it on that. Right. And so I can tell you what's crazy, every special I've done, and I've, every show I've done for a special,

and I've sought shot six shows that are filmed for a special in total. I've told the machine on all of those at the taping on my specials, I had to tell the machine. Isn't that crazy? You had to? I mean, yeah, like they were like fucking chaining the machine and I had to go back and all stage and be like, all Yeah, I mean, it's like you're it really is your

You're calling card you have to I guess yeah, I don't mind fuck it. I get to yeah Yeah, I make fun of you in my hour. Yeah About the museum It goes really well. Do you go? Everybody knows. Everybody. It's funny, like, because I probably bring you up, I don't know, maybe 30 minutes in, and the pop I get just from the same, your name.

May I clearly a lot of two bears, fans? I have a good, I have a good, I have a good, I have a fans. I have a good I have a good I have a good I Have a good I'm a go up for you. Yeah, I have a good my little I have a I could have done fucking I could have done No joke 20 minutes on you really oh, yeah, I do I have a quick version of I do of you And then if I want to do more I have a version was longer and it gets meaner meaner meaner I want to do more, I have a version when it was longer and it gets meaner and meaner and meaner. Oh, mine makes you, see that's where difference, I think mine makes you look funny.

But the difference is everybody, you can tell when there's fans at the show of the podcast. Because if there's a lot of fans at the show, the more mean I'm the harder they laugh. And if they're not podcast fans, they're just like, ugh. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Oh yeah, I'll tell you I just can't say it on the mic. I'll tell you that I'll tell you the one I'll tell you the two. I'm concerned about and I'll tell you why Yeah, let's go. Let's go eat barbecue. Right. I love you. Let me do it Bird time time and bird one goes top the swath the other wears a shirt

Tom tells stories and birds the machine. There's not a chance and hell that they'll keep clean Here's what we call two bears one cake They'll keep the clean, here's what we call, two bears one cave. No scripts to bid a booze, amateur, fatology, dirty jokes, ranchy humor, no apologies, here's what we call, two bears one cave. you