2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 136 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: June 6, 2022

Another episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer! This week the two talk about Bert’s love of the band Wilco, how they each pitch this podcast to people who haven’t listened to it, and a promising new product Bert wants to be affiliated with. They discuss being fathers, buying gifts for their crew on the road, how they both got into sneaker culture, and why they ever became friends in the first place. Bert gets an important phone call from LeeAnn, the two break down what comments on social media mean, and a great bit from Ron White. https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://www.bertbertbert.com/bertyboytourhttps://store.ymhstudios.com/

But I can't believe I found you like I can't believe I can't believe Why are we friends Like like I'm trying to remember like 100% Ready in Chamesh, oh, bah Shalosh Stein man He just got back from the whaling wall and he just keeps dropping it on us. Um, ah, ah, ah, ah. July 24th, I'm gonna be at ball arena in Denver, Colorado.

It's my second show there. I'm very excited. And if you missed it last week, I believe I announced. I am doing a tour in Australia and New Zealand after the new year. All those are at Thompsichord.com slash tour. Birdie Boy is doing the fully loaded. Fully loaded is in two weeks, June 16th.

Yeah, June 16th. Get your tickets. We are in ready. This is how I can I can remember my tours by this way. It goes South Bend, Louisville Dayton, Rochester, then Greenville, Lawrenceville, Brandon and Bristol. That's brand. I'm ready to do the right. Well, I want to get you. I want to get you. I want toville, Brandon, and Bristol. I'm ready to do the right, I want to get you, I want to get, oh, and then I will be at Red Rocks. Oh yeah.

Yeah. So, we announced on the exact same day. That wasn't great business. For fucking morons. Yeah. We announced on the exact same day. Hey, do you guys have a fixed income? Do you have room enough for one set of tickets or a door?

I'm a Red Rock September 9th and Wilco is playing the next I next fucking last time you had Jimmy Buffett dude and you got to hang out. I just go salt salt salt What? Yeah, I could go for a margarita right now. I believe you. Jeff Twitty has no idea what he's in store for. You're met him?

Nope, and I will cry when I meet him. You will cry when I cry? It's gonna get uncomfortable. I bet he leaves the room. I bet he leaves the room. I bet. Do you think security escort's me out? I bet someone escort me out.

I bet someone escort me out. Oh, I'm gonna wear a cool hat. Maybe I'll buy him a hat. I'll buy him a present. By. Oh, I'm gonna wear a cool hat. Ooh, maybe I'll buy him a hat. I'll buy him a present. By the way, I'm just... Maybe get those head measurements first, you know? He's looks like he's got a big head. Well, get the specifics and go full-burnt on it.

You gotta get him a, like add a lot, you know, custom. Oh, I'm a lot of razzle dazzle. Yeah. I'm going to creep him out. I'm gonna let him know right now. Someone get this to Jeff Tweety. I won't be a Red Rocks today before. I already sent in fights to the Habiban. I will say this.

I know certain things about you like would be automated answers from if somebody asked me they're like, you know, like does Bert, you know, like to sleep. I'd be like, no, you know, does Bert party? Yes, what's his favorite? Fatka, Tito's, like I'd be like, no, you know, does Bert party? Yes. What's his favorite? Fodka, Tito's, like I would just like, and if somebody said, you know, honestly, if someone said, you know, what's Bert's favorite band out of your willko? Yeah, I've said, I'm not that

about you for years. Yeah, I've seen them live every time they've ever come to LA. My marketing for my comedy, the way I run my career is based on the way Wilco doesn't run their career. I have a bone to pick with Wilco in that they don't market enough. I'm certain, so like, you know, sometimes you do a gig and you get a guarantee. So then it doesn't matter if you sell it out or not. You still want to, but yeah.

You still want to, but if it doesn't matter, I bet they have a guarantee when they do these gigs. And so it doesn't matter if he sells it out. I'm sure he's been doing it long enough. Then why did you start listening to Wilco? I started listening to Wilco, ooh, that's a great question. So in 1999, that's when?

1999, I started listening to Wilco. And I discovered the first song I heard, 1999 that's when 1999 started listening to Wilco and And I I discovered the first song I heard and then and then and then Atlanta based my wrong No, they're Chicago Chicago and so and then in 2001. I discovered the documentary I might try are you trying to break my heart type Type in the documentary. This documentary is fucking amazing. I think that's the name of the documentary. This is what I've been talking about them. Yeah. So this documentary.

Oh, film, well, welcome. I am trying to break your heart. I am trying to break your heart, my bad. And so this is a documentary. What happened is they made this album. I am trying to break your heart. I'm just like, when I see things, I read them. I just read them the way I see them. Mm-hmm. They were made this album. I am trying to break your heart. I'm dyslexic. Right when I see things I read them. I just read them the way I see them. Mm-hmm. They were making this album. I think the name of the album is I'm trying to break your heart and

they were how to deal it like whatever Capital and they went in and gave them the album and the people were like we don't like it And they're like what and then like we record it and they're like no, this is the album we're doing. What's the matter in it off? And then this is a whole documentary about them making that album, them writing the songs. And then them not getting, they didn't, no one liked it. So then they got their album back. And then they released it online. And it fucking exploded. Exploded. And then all of a sudden people were like, Hey, how do we get a gonna hold that album? This is the equivalent kind of,

I mean, not exactly the same, but like YouTube specials, which I'm the biggest proponent. Like I love comics doing YouTube specials because you get to just put it out there on a platform that everybody has. And I've seen it, I mean, I thought this would happen. I thought this would happen, especially like when I, I think when I got like my second special.

I just had a brilliant idea. Oh yeah. I just had a brilliant idea. I just had a brilliant idea. Keep going. Okay. And I remember that everybody that was like, like would talk to the comics, would be like, how do I get,

I don't know. And then everybody would be so disappointed when they go Netflix didn't get one. And it was right there already, YouTube, meaning. And I was like, looking back, I was like, oh man, everybody should have been doing that. Mark Norman has 10 million views on his specialty. Yeah.

And 10 million. 10 million is 10 million people. You only need 8,000 people to make a good living. Sure. You need 80,000 people to go see you on tour. Yeah. Two, you're talking. 10 million on that.

I don't know how many millions, but millions also on Shang Gila's special. Shang Gila. Sam Morales done it. Shultz has done it. Who else shouldilles. Sam Morales done it. Shultz has done it. Who else should- Shultz didn't do it. Yeah, that was like his first thing that he did

was put out, stand up on YouTube. For sure. I thought he did a Netflix special. No, you may be recent, but I'm saying to start. No, he did an Amazon. No, I think he was, I think he was about to shoot a special.

I don't remember. Okay. Keep going But yeah, that's what honest pop up show list, but it's like you don't you can just take your your material and Put it out there and people will find it and and and you see those numbers just go and then that translates into Ticket sales and new fans and all that shit. Here's what really got me with Wilco. Like this is what really got me. Is this your brilliant idea or this is your job?

No, no, no, no, maybe my brilliant idea. I'm gonna tell you my brilliant idea, all fair. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and so I watched this album, I get this album and it all of a sudden I'm in Sacramento and I'm trying to break your heart, it really clicks with me. And I listen to it the whole ride back, we're pregnant with Georgia. And I listened to I'm the man who loves you. Oh see this is why I'm gonna cry if I meet Jeff Tweedie. I

This is while cry when I meet him. This is gonna creep him the fuck out. I Listen to that I listened to I listen to Wilco when I took Georgia home from the hospital Okay, and so like that was my whole shit when I was a brand new dad, and I remember all the guys I knew in LA that were all dads, all were in the willko, and they were like, yeah, it's like dad music, right? And I was like, I was like, and I didn't want to be, I didn't want to talk about being

a dad on stage, and I wanted to be cool, but then you go to these concerts, and it was all dudes. It was all dudes that were like executives or like producers, or, and it was like all comics. And I went to so many of his fucking shows when he'd come to LA. And then here's what got me. They did this thing called the living room shows.

Will you type in Wilco living room shows? I would love to find these again. These were hard, I don't know if you can even find them. See if you can find them. So Wilcoe, Jeff Tweedie's wife, Jeff Tweedie's wife is a savage, a fucking savage. She's the shit. Like she is, you know, people say like, you know, where would you be without a hand? I'd be like, fucking nowhere. I mean, nowhere. I would never have succeeded. Jeff Tweedie's wife is the only reason we know Will Co. Really? Dude, yeah.

This woman has, this is my perspective, and by the way, I don't know where I'm getting this from, but she has fucking spackled this dude into shape. I mean, he was, he, I, by the way, I don't, I'm sorry if Jeff Tweedie's like, I'm sorry about what I'm saying. I think he had a heroin addiction, a pill addiction. He did, he went, by the way, I'm sorry, Jeff Tweedie's like, I'm sorry about what I'm saying. I think he had a heroin addiction, a pill addiction. He did, he went through all of it.

And this woman is stuck by him, kept him together. She was like a bar owner. She owned a bar Fred, Fred, Armies and used to work at Chicago. Fred Armies and Jeff Tweedie are like best friends. Really? Yeah.

I know so much about fucking Jeff Tweedie. He's your living room thing. So he would, his wife would, for 25 grand, his wife would, just like Jeff Tweety. Hazier living room thing. So he would his wife would super 25 grand. His wife would just let Jeff Tweety. By the way, Jeff Tweety, I'll give you $100,000 to play my backyard. I'll give you $100,000 to play my backyard.

I will give you, and I'll donate to whatever charity you want. There we go. I will give you 100, oh, because that's his thing. He goes to his living room shows. You pick the playlist. They pick the playlist, right? Yeah. He plays in their living room acoustic. And I got all four of them. He did four of them. I had four of them. I had them. And when Leanne had the Mercedes, I had them in the, in the,

the, the, the, the, what's a good starting point for me to listen to? I couldn't even tell you to work out. Their catalog's so big right now. But what would you start with? My anthem is Wilco Wilcoe. Like, there's song Wilcoe. They have a song called Wilcoe. A song called Wilcoe. And that was, the fat boys are back to you.

Yeah. And so when I was on travel channel, one of my favorite memories I've ever had in my entire life will go the album and then the first song's will go That's my that's my my do shit song. So like when we were in travel channel When my favorite memories ever we ride motorcycles up into Crow territory. We hunt buffalo We take a helicopter back to the top of a mountain I get all my motorcycle sun setting and we're going down to a bar to, the hotel that we're staying at that has a bar.

I have not had a drink. I get on the motorcycle, and I throw in my headsets, and I play Wilco, Wilco, the song, and Wilco's Wilco, and the sun is setting. I'm going, I'm on top of a mountain, in Crow territory,

and out in the Montana, I think Montana is out to go to and a pack of Wild Horses Runs up next to me on my motorcycle and is keeping fucking pace with me I am riding next to fucking wild motorcycles listening to And I'm like fucking yeah, whoa Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun And I'm like fucking yeah, whoa Wilco loves you, baby and I'm fucking like yeah, I'm like dude great as fucking memory

Go in it through the canyons wild fucking horses Tom. I actually stopped my motor like a one-point one There was ain't that's it was a fucking but I did I'm skiing in Switzerland I'm skiing in Switzerland and I'm listening to Wilco and I fucking have to Wilco. And I fucking have this great moment on top of fucking mountain. I'm listening to Wilco all the time. And when Dr. Do you know what you would fucking be amazing as? A drug addict? Well.

Do you remember Billy Maze? Wait, the sales guy? Yes. No. Dude, you could pick, like, if comedy shut down, you could pick up exactly where he was. Great job on that guy. Convince me to buy anything.

I really think you could. If I'm in love with it, I bet you're right. I bet you could. You with baking soda? I mean, we would all be leaving here with fucking 20 orders of baking soda. Can I tell you what business I'd like to get into? Sure.

The recovery business. Recovery. Recovery. Drugs and alcohol? Yeah, but the morning after. What is that? I don't know. I want to get, I want to be, I want, I always get approached by alcohol companies

to like, hey, you want to fucking do some alcohol? Still do it for me now. I don't want to do alcohol. No, do the pitch for what you're talking about. My pitch is, I'm saying it to a company. There's got to be a company out there that gets me. Yeah. That gets me, because I'm the guy,

are you the kind of guy that likes to stay up late night and have the second bottle of wine? Are you the kind of guy that likes to stay up late night and have the second bottle of wine? Are you the kind of guy that goes just one more episode, one more episode in the glass of wine? Oh, you know what I want to do? I want to go out to the back. I want to smoke a cigar and have a drink while the family's asleep, but I got a busy day tomorrow. I can fix that. Just one shot of Bert in the morning and we're clean. That's what I need. I need a doctor, like a detox. I want something where I fucking pound it, and I'm like, look, I gotta be honest with you. Liquid IV is pretty fucking good.

And they're a sponsor of our, we do that every morning. But I need Liquid IV with a punch. What about some Krayd numbers? I want some, I want like a big punch in the dick in the morning. I want someone, I want to feel like someone grabbed my dick and pulled me out of bed. You know? That's the feeling I want to feel in the morning.

And that's what I'm searching for. I'm going to talk to Rogan about it tomorrow. I'm going to talk about the doctors at the stem cells. I want, I want this much illegal. Like, I want, here's what I want. I want a, I want a, I want a, a trace amount of cocaine in it. A trace amount of cocaine. Yeah.

Like, I want, I want to, I want to get out of bed, and I want to fucking kill what I want, I want it to make coffee look soft. Yeah. People like, who's coffee? Why you have a coffee, you can take the birdie bomb. Yeah.

You take a birdie bomb. You take a birdie bomb, and it'sie bomb. Yeah, you take a birdie bomb and it's like, I remember one time they had this energy drink called nitrous oxide. Yeah. And I drank it and I remember being like, I think I want to go jack off. Like it was like fucking great.

I want that, but I also want it to be cute healthy. I want it to have glutathione so it cleans out your liver. I want to have a little bit of Xanax. So it's like, there's nothing better than Xanax like accidentally in the morning. When you go, I think that was in my pill jar. I think I just took the wrong pill.

But doesn't that just bring you down too much? No. I must have brought this for you. Wait, why does it not bring you down now? No, it doesn't. What does it do to you? I can't even, I need something. I want the hair of the no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no I want to be in a business of recovery. There's got to be a company that knows me. I need Aubrey Marcus. Here's what I need.

I need a shaman. I need Aubrey Marcus. I need a scientist, doctor. Yeah, I need a doctor. And I'm on a weekend. And we'll test things out. I think they're gonna tell you, definitely scratch the Xanax as part of it.

It would be great if you get the cocoa leaves, we just, yeah. Do you want them up? Do you ever do that when you went to Peru? Yeah, really? Is it like Coke? No. And you do a Coca-T, drink Coca-T too. It's a tea made from it.

And it levels you out at high altitude. Oh, I want a little bit of Cava Cava in it. Okay. Cava ever had Cava Cava? No. Cava Cava, we were in Fiji and they would drink they drink bowls of cova cova and And it kind of makes you go Really we did it for travel channel. I was listening to will go on that boat definitely boat the funniest part is

Cova cova. Let me see what's it. What's it? What is it? Just cova cova cova do hit that first drop down What is it? Just Kava Kaga, Kava Kaga do. Hit the first drop down. Contains whatever, they act much like alcohol in your brain making you feel calm, relax, and happy. The plant also thought to relieve pain, prevent seizures, and relax muscles you can bite as an herbal supplement online and at health food.

So that can be part of your drink. Yeah, we're with some Kava Kava in there. I want a cocktail, I want to, I want to like a pill, you got to bite into almost. I want it to be like, I want really, when we did Kava Kava that we did it with this young lady who lives in Missouri who's a fairly religious and has never even drank alcohol and their past grown Kava Kava. And she, I've never laughed harder.

She's the sweetest girl. CBC Bert Trip Flip Fiji. She's really just adorable. I've stayed in touch with her and her husband. Her husband worked at Nevermind. And so she drinks Kava Kava with me and they're like passing around. She drinks it, drinks the whole thing, hands it and he goes, she goes, did I just do drugs? Yeah, I think it did. We can't show my parents this. She was awesome. Did I just do drugs?

That's her. Yeah, he's on the boat with a great fucking time. That was a fun show, Trip Flip. Yeah, it was a lot like being a whore though. How so? Because I didn't, I was like, what was I going to do? It was good money. It was not even good money. I mean, now that I look back, I was like, what was I gonna do? I was like, good money. I wasn't even good money.

I mean, now that I look back, I was like, money. But I was gone for my family the entire time. I was living with other people that I now know. I know all of them. But that guy Gabe, remember, I've ever told you about the professional whistler. This guy Gabe, I've told him something about it. He's a professional whistler.

We were in Costa Rica. We're playing the guitar. Someone's like, hey, do you have anyone playing the other instruments? And he just goes, I'm a professional whistler. Wait, is he crew? No, he's a cast member. Oh.

And I said, you're never gonna find him online. Oh, wait, there he is. That's crazy. It's so funny. Oh, it's just a tweet. Well, I ran into him. I ran into him and Boise. He lives in Boise. He's still with the same chick they're married.

And I've always talked about this. He was at the fire and I was like, he was like, I'm a professional whistler. And I laughed. I was like, yeah. He was like, no, I'm really a whistler. We're all good whistlers, Gabe. And he was like, no, I'm pretty legit.

And we're like, okay. And he whistled somewhere under the rainbow. And it was like, he does like this. Like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I have, there's gotta be video open. I know I shot video of it. I don't know where it is. Okay.

Oh my God. Hey, do you want to feel like this? Then get Burton a bottle. What are we gonna call my product? Plan B was good, but- Plan B, I like Plan B. Plan B for Bert. Yeah, Plan Bert.

Hey everyone, get your fat stick shirt. Yeah, fat stick. By the way, is this what you guys think I look like? They give you a lot of hair. Yeah, I know. Where's Fats, Tix? Wow, you really, you got amp up right now. Is this cause you're gonna see your parents?

Uh huh. You gonna come over and have a burger with my dad? I told you. I don't wanna. Well, it's not that, it's just that I'm only hungry. Yeah, I know. That's the other thing is like everyone's home for like fucking two days.

Yeah. What do you want to spend time? No, we're just like, just at the house, fuck around, they'll just jump on me and you know, just be crazy. We're always fishing off the dock. Or maybe I'll take my dad over to see your house. Okay. I'll be like, whoa, this is nice big guy. Yeah, that'll be done here fucking so I Was gonna ask you but

You're so crazy You guys gonna miss me when I'm gone you have course we will I hope so Like I hope when I die people. You have course, we will. I hope so. Like I hope when I die, people talk about me a lot. They will. You make it sound like it's gonna happen in a week. It's not. I'm gonna outlive a lot of people. I think it's been shocking.

I think so too. Let's list the people I'll live longer than. And then let's take odds on it. We got to live longer to stand out. Yeah. Yeah, I think so to stand out. Yeah. Yeah, I think so too. Joey?

Yeah. Ari? Yeah. Or he's gonna die. Or he's gonna, yeah. Or he's gonna, I bet Ari dies first. Oh my god. I bet he does.

I bet. No, because Ari does dangerous shit. Oh, right. Yeah. We had a conversation about the other day. Someone was like, sorry, Ari, if I'm spoiler beans. And nothing is a secret with me, okay?

Ari called me and he was like, I'm worried about your drinking. I was like, I'm fine. It was a really good conversation. He goes, he goes, I'm just, you know, I hear stories and I want to make sure you're okay. I think it's because I'm so fat right now that I think when I lose weight,

everyone's like, I'm like, first doing good, and I'll still be drinking the same. Yeah. And so, so he goes, I said, well, what curbs, how would you do that? We just, diet, food? Yeah, I'm, I'm, I'm, this, when Thursday, Thursday, I go home, fff, nothing.

Eating? Eating my trifecta. As I do, my trifecta's on the road right now. And I know I look fucking fat right now. Wait, and when you go, when you're home, you'll drink, you won't drink it either? I won't drink. I don't like drinking, I don't care to drink at home.

Honestly, I like, it pisses me fucking off that this is what's gonna happen. I'm gonna come home Friday and Leanne's gonna go, Leanne does this thing and fucking makes me crazy. So go, I feel like a signature cocktail. And then I go, yeah, I always want that. I always want that, but now that I'm not drinking, that's when she wants it.

Right. And then she go, I'm gonna get a gin fizz. Would you want one, honey? And I go, yeah, but I'm not drinking right now. So let's not do gin fizzes. Cause I'm not gonna do, she'll do one gin fizz. I go, why am I doing do gin fizzes because I'm not gonna do she'll do one gin fizz. I go why am I doing one gin fizz? Give me and let's we're taking a Xanax and doing a gin fizz. I'm not doing one

I guarantee you I guarantee you I'm gonna do a signature cocktail. She'll go um we should have friends over tonight I go hey, I'm not drinking. Let's not let's lock it down. Yeah, let's lock it down. I love I love not drinking you go in I've dinner with the family. You do a workout in the morning you feel great, right? I've dinner with the family everyone goes off to bed Leanne sits on the couch with all their fucking animals I go out to the man I go out to the gym and I get on the treadmill and I just walk and I fucking think of jokes and I watch TV and I fucking tweet And I love it. I love it. I don't tweet really. I'm been on Twitter and fucking forever. I'll maybe when Elon buys it, but

I love not drinking, but then the end does this little fucking Yeah, I kind of want to glass a row's day Do you want to glass of rosé and I go you already know I never say no to rosé? I would do that But I want another bottle of rosé. Well,, yeah. And then I, we, she has one glass, I murder that bottle, and then I'm like, hey, what, what red can I open? And she was like, why don't we just go to bed? And I'm like, hmm. She is so fucking lucky.

She's lucky. She really is. What, and what way? Just that she ended up with you? So like, this is gonna sound like a delusional person. No. See, just like you hold on, hold on. Okay, I wanna share everyone.

I always say that I don't know why people like you. That's one of my favorite things, those things. But then I just realized other people get to like it too. Okay, okay. That's good. This is so, so fucking, the other day I'm sitting there and I'm thinking about, I'm in Tulsa and I do this a lot where I go, I always do this.

This is the last time I'll ever do that, right? I go, this is the last time I ever do that. I remember one time I was taking a car service from travel channel down to a theme park in LA. I was in a car service and I was like, this is the last time I've ever been a car service. Like just thinking it all goes away. It all goes away.

I'll never get to flying a private jet. I got to really enjoy this, this is the last time I'm ever doing it. I do that. I do theaters. I think it's a way of me appreciating what I'm having. My moments. Yeah.

So I'm sitting outside Tulsa and I thought, how did I get here? Like I really am shocked that I got into theaters. I'm really am. And I remember, I remember distinctly a conversation I had with Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan and I were sitting in the bar area by the refrigerator or whatever in the comedy store

back where the, you know, I did just cooks. Yeah. And he said you need to get on Netflix. I remember it was like someone saying, um, you need to make a million, you should, you should have a million dollars. I remember thinking like, how the Joe, I don't know how to do that. I was like, I, yeah, I would like to get on Netflix too. Sure.

And he was like, no, you got to get on Netflix. You got to get enough. It's a game changer. You got to get on Netflix. And I was like, I don't know how to do that. And he was like, no, you gotta get on Netflix. You gotta get on Netflix. It's a game changer. You gotta get on Netflix. And I was like, I don't know how to do that. And he goes, be undeniable. And I was like, what do you mean? I was like, how am I gonna be undeniable?

He goes, be undeniable. And I was like, and so I wrote that in my joke book, be undeniable. And that was my focus, be undeniable. And then I went, undeniable is you just murder every time. But there was no riddle. There was no rhythm to how I could get to Netflix.

Sure. And then I'm sitting there going, this is where it's gonna turn, they could turn for the worst. I'm sitting there going, I can't believe, I actually got on Netflix, I can't believe it. I go, I can't believe that I got, didn't you send them a comedy works set? No. I thought you said we shot.

I shot one, I shot one to send them and then, and then they just offered me an hour. Without seeing it? Without seeing it. Oh, yeah, well no, they offered me a half hour. And then I chose not to do the half hour and I think they were like, what? And I was like, yeah, but I give the art forms an hour.

Like the art form of standout comedy is one hour. That is one hour, that's what you're supposed to do. And then they just came back and they're like, all right, how about an hour? And I was like, all right, I can't believe how lucky I am. And immediately I think, I can't believe how lucky Leannis is. I mean, that chick just blindfolded walking through

the fucking world. At least I had a fucking path. She's just holding onto my tail. I mean for real, I was a loser. She had to be a fucking loser. How fucking lucky did she get? She got so lucky. She got so fucking lucky. Like this isn't supposed to work out. Yeah. Does, can you imagine meeting me when I was broke. I was broke and I got her pregnant and I was still a fucking lunatic.

Yeah. All the people that, by the way, I feel bad because I didn't like the people that hated me. They were like, you need to get away from him. He's bad news. I was like, fuck them, fuck them. And I was like, now I look back. I was like, no, they were doing the right thing.

Really? They were doing the right thing. Do you think if you had gotten her pregnant, would you guys have stayed together? Yeah. Oh, you do. Oh, yeah, I knew. And that was the one for me.

Well, let me rephrase that. I will tell you this. This is gonna sound shitty. I remember getting her pregnant. I remember getting her pregnant. I remember getting her pregnant and going, cool. She can have babies. She's definitely the one. I said that's a fucked up thing,

but I definitely wanted to have kids. Like I wanted kids, I wanted kids probably more than a wife. I wanted to be a dad. Yeah. And so when she, like, and we were watching our friends that couldn I wanted kids, I wanted kids probably more than a wife. I wanted to be a dad. Yeah. And so when she, like, and we were watching our friends that couldn't have kids and I was watching what was happening to them

and it was like fucking breaking them up and it was they were fighting. And when they got pregnant, I was like, now I know she's the one. Was George Warren 03 or 04? George was born in 04. I met you, like as she was a baby, she was only like a month or two old.

You guys brought her to the Brea improv. Yeah. And it was weekend and I was working with you. So first weekend I worked with you. Can you believe? How lucky, like, I'm trying to think of this, right? So like, so as you ready for this, as lucky as Leanne was to have met me,

I was to have met you. Let me pitch it to you. Okay. You're not a big sparkle guy. Uh-huh. Okay. Right. If I, if I am, so I, I am, I am a Tomahawk steak.

Okay. It's a lot of presentation. Yeah, maybe not the best cut of meat a lot of presentation You are a petite filet okay, but you just want to play by itself so when you see it like What am I gonna do with this? Yeah, and then like just try it. You're like okay? And then you cut it you just try it. You're like, okay. And then you cut it and you're like, oh, it's pretty good. But you go, but you go, but you go. It's not enough. I'm gonna need more. And they're like, trust me.

Just enjoy it. And then for you, because you're a petite flay, you get, you really enjoy it, you get done. You don't feel sick to your stomach and you're like, that was perfect. But I can't believe I found you. Like I can't believe, I can't believe. Why are we friends?

Like I'm trying to remember like, what made you fun for me? Cause you know me, I'm all about like fucking being a lunatic. What made you fun for me? Don't know. I really don't know. I do remember that I enjoyed you immensely early on, and you fucking, you know, you made me laugh,

off stage, but you were on stage, but you were a really, you know, you were very sweet and very endearing, and you always were like, I could see you had a really genuine nice side to you. Like, you didn't see that many comics that you'd meet. Like comics weren't always like, hey are you all right? Like, you make sure everyone was like,

I could tell you we're a good person. And so I trusted you, I think. That's the thing, I think is that I just, I trusted you, which is weird, because I don't trust you with information. But I trust you, like with everything else, you know, I remember telling you in Rogers to stop talking. I was like, don't I shouldn't hear any of this. Yeah, you want to talk about a panic by the way. I texted Aaron Rogers for the Greek. And I was like, Hey man, if you need to take

us and then I'd know reply like two days before. So I'm like, day of them or no three days before and then two days before I'm like, yeah, just on the hammer and then he wrote back. He wrote back. I'm like, day of them, or no, three days four and then two days four, I'm like, yeah, I'm just on the hammer, yeah. And then he wrote back, he wrote back, I'm not gonna tell you what he wrote back. Why do I do this? What the fuck is wrong with me? Why is, what is that? What is that?

Here's what I think about you. And this is, I keep going back to this. It's the things that made me laugh that I didn't think other people saw is what made me like you. Like, one of my favorite, it was, you know what it is, it's the same thing Leandas. It's an acute awareness of who I actually am

and pointing out who I actually am to me. Yeah, I was almost like calling out my shit. Right, and you did that, like- Probably soon. Very quickly. And I remember going like, oh, I enjoy that. I enjoy, it's the girls do that to me. The girls are like, well, point out things. I remember saying, I don't know, I'm not going to get into it. But like, like, I remember, I made a joke to Georgia about her prom. And she was like, and she just, like,

the way she shot me back is the thing I like about her. Like I made a joke about what her friends, or they shouldn't do, and then she's just kind of like, oh, who are you talking to right now? And I was like, oh, that's, I like that. I don't know why. Remember one time, remember, just, how many times do you think you burp?

You remember that? So vividly. That was on the way to Brad's. Yeah, you were going to Brad's and I said, I don't know. Once, 20 or 20, I just counted 20. I just counted 20 in the last five minutes. And I went really and I burped,

and I went, oh, I just burped then. You were like, oh no, you burped nonstop. I burped nonstop. You were like, like the whole drive. And I was like, are you okay? And you're like, I think I'm fine. And then the next week, you're like, let the whole drive. And I was like, are you okay? And you're like, I think I'm fine. And then the next week, you're like, turns out, I got something going on with that.

Yeah. I remember, well, yeah. Then we, What about, I feel like I love, there's, there's, I don't think, maybe I'm wrong, maybe everyone sees it in you but like my favorite ones are the are your eyes speak so many sentences without with just the Littleest movements like the littlest movements remember we found remember we had that friend who locked himself in his room It's gonna drink himself to death because yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes I remember look on your face

the fucking look on your face is that guy ever talked about that since not in those terms but yeah yeah Not in those terms, but yeah. Yeah. Yeah. God, that was a fucking... That was a good time. That was a really great fucking time. We should do a trip.

Oh, you got to bring kids. Yeah. I was thinking about this, that you're turning 50. And Georgia will be going to college. Yeah. And Iowa will be a junior next year. Junior. It's gonna break this all.

So she's almost like out, like two years, right? And so I will be 50 in seven years. What? And in seven years, my oldest will be in eighth grade. My youngest will be in sixth grade. Jesus. Yeah. What?

What? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha How were you in Georgia was born? I was 32. Yeah. I was 32. I was, I wasn't ready for it though. I'll tell you what, I don't, I mean, I'm sure I've spoken about this. I remember you would wear a button down collared shirts. Yep, with a T shirt underneath. You're always in that.

I was a, I was a broke dad. You don't get to be a broke dad, which trust me, that fucking sucks. Being a broke dad. Yeah. But I didn't, and then it's like, I didn't get to be a broke dad, which trust me, that fucking sucks. Being a broke dad. Yeah. But I didn't, and then it's like, I didn't get to enjoy times with the kids, because I was like,

so I had no career. This back before the internet was a way you could make money. So I would sit there, I could enjoy reading a book to the girls. I'd have to, like, just reading it. I'd have to do Sam Kenneson voice to them. Where I go, baby, Beluga in the deep blue sea.

Time, time, time! The Nishi Morrow's coming for you, you're gonna taste your own blood! Like I couldn't, I couldn't, oh I used to, I used to do. And I curse, I'd be like, oh! Suck that whale, gawd, suck that whale, gawd, gawd, gawd, gawd, gawd! And so, Eilo one time nominated me to, she was in kindergarten. She nominated me to read a book to her class. And so I go and I open the book and I'm like,

it's baby blue girl or something. And she goes, dude, too. Like I'm reading it. She goes, whoa, what are you doing? She's like, dude, daddy voice. I'm like, what? She goes, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, dude, daddy voice. I want to know what? She goes, ah, I want to go. Oh, baby, I can't. She's like, dad.

She's still trying to, she's like, he'll do it. He'll do it. Like, she had told her friends. Yeah. He might dad read books better than anyone. Yeah. This is before class. All the parents were in the back.

And they're talking and they're chit chatting. And I was like, I go, baby, I don't think I can do this. I guys, I use daddy words. She goes, just do it. So I brought a class in close and I was like, okay, I'm going to read a special part of this book, but we have to be real quiet, okay. So I was like, baby, beluga, and I was like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, deep blue sea. Oh, oh, oh, you're going to die, bel boy. I'm just doing Sam Kinesin. Yeah. I took a class truck ran over my days. I'm taking my own blood.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. And the kids are crying laughing. And one of the dads is like, are you doing Sam Kinesin? And I was like, I'm a comedian. I just do Sam Kinesin's voice. And then, and I was like, I got done. And she was like, oh, thanks. I'm like, you're bombing.

I was like, but I couldn't, I mean, a broke dad sucks. Yeah. It sucks, man. I sucks. Like, there's a few things I'd make a charity for. Broke dads is one of them. Like, is this Christmas? Like, it's okay, like, just the times

when you should spend extra money, that is where I make a, like, we're just a little sparkle in life. Yeah. You know, like, but you know, you can probably identify some broke dad and do life. Yeah, you know, like, but you probably, you could probably identify some broke dad and do that. Yeah, you could.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's too much work already. Yes, too much. But like, you get to have like, like, like, you're, like, I get jealous, I get jealous thinking of the life your kids get to have, because they're gonna,

I mean, growing up, fucking skiing, fucking wakeboarding, yeah, fucking, you guys will take fucking badass trips. We're like, hey, we're on a Montana. Let's go fucking get motorcycles and dirt bikes. And like, you're gonna have fucking cool shit. George and Ila, they got to have good vacations. They got to have great vacations.

They had a great life. They've had a great life. I'm taking them to Italy. That's awesome. Where you going? I don't know. We have a travel agent plan and everything. It's for George's graduation. She wanted to go to Europe. She wanted to go to Italy specifically. And I said, I said, I said, we can afford it. Let's do it. Let's keep the Italian boys away. You know, they're real fucking animals. You know that, right? I don't know. Is that what they do? Yeah. I like that. You like that? I don't think that Leanne will get that much attention. I want the girls

to have fun. I don't want them to go around and fuck a bunch of Italian dudes, but I want them to get drunk and have fun. I want to like sneak out and get drunk and like have fun Yeah, like I want him to have fun. George is going to college. She's got to have a fucking good times Yeah, I mean don't rob a trainer anything, but The Christina has taught Julian who's three That darn it is the worst word

and who's three that darn it is the worst word, right? So she does a reaction and it's like, oh, they're trying to get him to say that, but he just throws it in with everything else. So he gets real mad at me sometimes. Like we face time of the day and he was in the pool and I go, hey man, he goes, I don't want to talk to you. And I go, hey, I just want to say it's like,

he goes, you're a fucking darnit. I was like, what? You guys are fucking darnit. I'll cut your skin off. I was like, you got his dad's jeans. Jason Nash, remember Jason Nash? Yeah. Jason Nash, he's always,

I don't know, he never really like fully, fully Jason Nash? Yeah. Jason Nash had, he always, I don't know, he never really like fully, fully committed to stand up. And so like, you'd get these really sparkles of genius from him. And I'd always go like, God, man, if you just only did stand up, you'd be crazy. Cause he does like a lot of video. He does, he does vlog,

he's different with David Dobrik, they're like best friends. Yeah. And so, and so he had, and he's one of the more creative dudes I know. It's crazy that people only know him from vlogs. I've known him for a very long time. I knew him and his wife, when his first, his wife, Marnie, one time said, hey,

I just walked by your son's room, and he goes, and he said fuck it and she goes will you talk to him and so he goes in and he goes hey buddy mom said you said fuck it and he was like yeah you're like what did you say it about and she was like he was like I just said it and he's like well now you gotta say it when you need to say it like if you're looking at your leg goes in the rubber bottom and you then go fuck it and walk out of a room or maybe look at your career and just go fuck it maybe look at your marriage and go go fuck it. Maybe look at your marriage and go, ah fuck it.

He goes, all right, take care, bud. That's just like his joke. It's so good. It was like teaching your kid out of curse. Yeah. Iless said, Ilam when she was a kid said, when I'm 16, I get to curse. When that's not how that works, she goes, it is in my book.

And she's 15 and she is chomping at the bit. She goes, it's 16. I get to legit cursed that. Oh, she doesn't do it now. She's on curse. All she does is she flicks me off. She's like when Leanne's not looking to go. I'm like, what the fuck is that for? She's like, eh. And Leanne, but she doesn't hurt. If they curse, do they get reprobated? If they curse, do they get reprobated? Gleano light them up. What the fuck? What are you doing? Like Georgia Georgia when Georgia turned 16. I was like, I'm so jealous. You get to curse now Georgia's like, I don't think that's how it works. I love the other things that's like a law that it at 16 You get to yeah, yeah, but she's got she turns 16 in July

She's gonna be light and mother fuckers up. She'll be Joey D. It should be mother fucking cocks like her. Yeah. Um, Yeah, you're gonna have, man, you got to, but I wish I could start over. I would love to have new family. I'm I'm I'm mine mine's done. Like it's like they're going to call it great. What are you gonna do? You mean show up at college all the time? No, like is that what you're gonna do? Go visit them a lot? She won't send them on me too. But so what are you gonna do with yourself? I'm not drinking. What are you gonna do with yourself?

You're used to having your girls around. And he goes, I'll just do the road with you. Oh, no thank you. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. We're gonna have Captain Buzzkill come out with us. Can't wait. Hey guys, show's over. We is going to bed.

Everyone's going to bed now. By the way, I think when I do the Anxiety, I think I'm doing a black person's accent. I mean, you just say we is going to bed. We is going to be. He sounded like some 19. You know, the way I do our accent. Why?

I did it on, I've been doing it on stage. Like, uh, was shit. Hanged nothing new in my hometown, but like I can't, she's like, but I have not had a talk. She goes, I don't like my representation. You don't, you don't do my voice right. I, there was a joke, there was a joke I had

that I can't tell on her special, but I can tell here She she went to a family reunion and ran into the dude. She was dating Shit you can but you ain't blood You can that's what she said you can but you ain't blood. Yeah. Which is like a big difference. Yeah, sure. Yeah, you can. She ain't blood. I mean, she's really from some...

She's from like dirt road. Oh yeah, dirt roads, dirt roads, dirt roads, pastures, fields, cattle, like cat, like... I remember, I learned from her dad, you don't ever, her grandfather grandfather grandfather was a fucking amazing dude I mean that guy was fuck you could tell a story and I remember asking him how many cows he had and he said boy You don't ever ask a man how many cattle he has and I was like okay? And then I was like I think I was looking to field and count them

I was like why am I like I just like was like, why am I not, I just was like a conversation topic. And then I, we're in the car and he goes, we're in his truck and he goes, so looking to a man's, I don't know where he goes. So looking to a man's bank account. Because that's where he bets his money. That's his stocks. It's like how much money you have?

Yeah, how much money do you have? Yeah, it's exactly. And I went, ooh, fuck. And then we went to a ranch in Texas and someone goes, so how many cattle do you have in the guy? I was like, oh, I was like, hey, don't ever ask me how many cattle you have. And then he was like, well, thank you, man.

Thank you son. I was like, thank you. You're the same John. That guy was a fucking, I ran cattle in Texas for trip flip. That guy was a fucking treat. Remember, did you ever see the clip of me by my own cat, his buying a cattle? I think I may have actually.

It's a fucking hardest I've ever laughed to my entire life. If you want it, I think I'm a different person when I'm with you. What do you think happens? I don't know, I feel safe. You do. See, that's the whole thing is that

when you ask me like what, I don't know. Like the thing I the whole thing is that when you ask me like what, I don't know, the thing I identified in you is that I felt like totally comfortable around you. And I genuinely enjoy you, even all your fucking craziness. I enjoy it. I'm tough to enjoy. Like I'm like, I'm a lot. No you, for sure you're a lot.

Yeah. But it doesn't like bother me, you know Like I want to go to the knife spider co-shop. I see it. This is a good one. How many do I look 13? Whoa, this is sharp knife. It's a very sharp knife Wow, yeah, how's it going? You got to push this thing? I'll do it. Don't worry about it. Okay.

Cut your fucking hand off. Yeah, it feels like it would. Golden Colorado. This is nice, man. You got fucking... Dude, you can... He's right here. I bought a knife for that.

I actually have a knife that is meant for that. I got a knife that was in the space shuttle. I got that, this knife is really nice. Where's it in like that? Oh. You like that. I went to a big knife phase. I did what I was doing in Tripflip,

I would always buy knives. Really? I'd buy knives wherever I was. I was like, I'll be cool to remember being here and then when I bought this knife. And I don't remember where any of them I bought any of them. I went through a hatchet phase, I went through a shoe phase, I've been in a big hat phase. I've been in a really problematic shoe phase.

For real? Well, for a few years now. So, what, what, what, but you don't do... I have to, I'm building a new closet. You don't do kicks, you do like, you do like designer shoes. No, no, I do kicks too. Yeah, of course. Let's talk shoes for a second.

Can I tell you what I bought drunk and don't remember buying? What? The Jordan C-mence. Uh huh. I bought those. I just found them on our bus. Yeah.

And I bought them over it. Where's the, I'm gonna fuck up. There's a bunch of drawers on our bus, you know, like in the back, they're all shoes, every single one. Really? How many shoes do I have on the bus? On the bus? Yeah.

Probably 20, 25. Okay, Peter can go fuck himself. Right. We started putting my shoes underbunks. Yeah. And he was like, and he was like, you have a lot of shoes on this bus.

I have like 10 pair of tops. Oh no, more. I have running shoes. I have a pair of Florida state shoes. Like FSU gave me some shoes. Yeah. There's a shout out to fucking F. The people at FSU were so cool.

Well, we've been finding, too, on the road, you know, you look for things like activities. Yeah. So we find the, like, the hot sneaker store. Have you been to the one in Philly? No. Okay. Uh, what's the name?

Hey, will you find, Yelfer Peter to find out the name of the, of my shoe shop in Philly? Can you, can you, Nidav? I'm so sorry. Yeah, I'll text them. The, this place is the shit. Really? I mean, I gotta be honest with you too.

Every time I've been in, they've closed off the shop allowed us access and they've hooked us up Hard as fuck and then I went it up and do we ended up partying going out to an open mic Suplex sneakers super like sneakers super like sneakers on South Street and Philly is fucking legit. I mean Dude they turned me on I think they turn me on a Yeezies. They turn me on to, they, they, they fucking been Yeah, and they've got a vintage shop across street. I think they gave me the shirt I'm supposed to give you really

Yeah, some rapper from Cleveland or Cincinnati Okay, I got to get you that shirt. I'll have Peter run it back over But yeah, man, sweet, sweet, so our things on the route to suplex when you went Philly next. That's a good question. I don't know that it's on my upcoming dates, but you know, I always go to Philly a couple of times a year. Yeah, dude, you gotta go. You gotta go. And I'm telling you, hit him up before time. Let me know you're like, it's such an addiction. So then let's talk about what shoes you like,

because I feel like I've tapped out. I'm a big Nike SB load dunk guy. Yeah, dunk load. I like the dunk loads. And I love anything Virgil did. Remember when I found out he was a French guy? He was like an old French white dude. Yeah. You're like, what color do you think he one? I found out he was in a French guy. He was in like an old French white dude.

You're like, what color do you think he is? I was like, white? Yeah. And you're like, no, no. I like off-white. So then walk me into something I'm gonna like because I don't like high tops. I gotta be honest with you, I fucking hate high tops.

I'm too fat to tie them. Okay. I don't know what you, I mean, like, it seems like you found your... I know, but you stopped. You introduced me to something new. But there's, but there's, I think you should do a dive into the designers' sneakers, like the high-end designer sneakers, because you'll find one that's low style like you

like, and then you're gonna be like, no, no, no, no, no, you'll be like that. Can you seem not to do a shameless plug? Have you seen my new slides? I saw you earlier. I think they're already on sale, so I think they've already sold out. The video of you dancing. Have you seen the slides?

No. Go to free water. For Christ's sake. No, this is my flip flops. Kind of love my fucking flip flops. By the way, there you go. Not even a joke. That's why my favorite dude,

so these are the BK, there's Russian acrylic. Go to the Camelons. Camelons, they are so fucking comfortable, Tommy. I got them at an event, they made them, and they were like, hey, what do you think about doing a release of these? It's like standing on a fat person. They are so fucking comfortable.

Okay. Are they for sale right now? Those are liand. It looks like it. They are so fucking comfortable. She made those or designed those? Yeah, she's totally into the design. So if you zoom in, you can see that the camo

is actually liand doing something. Is it her? That looks like a dog. It looks like a dog. I don't know, I can't see it. Like there's a dog. Maybe it's one of your great days. Oh, that's one of our dogs. Oh, then there's a design of a woman.

And then there's a design of a woman. So that's like, Leigham came up with the idea. It was pretty fucking smart. Is that a yoga pose she's doing? Yes, she's doing a yoga pose. Yeah, like she was yoga. Remember that? Yeah, yeah.

She was yoga, fucking 20, fucking years ago guys. She's like, I love yoga. I love yoga. Go back to my, my design is. My design is, she did this. She was like, it would be cool if you're doing camo, if you're in the camo. So it's like a little easter egg. Oh yeah, that's a fucking flattering shot.

Yeah, oh there, that's me. Oh yeah. And so, but they're comfortable as fuck. I'm gonna send you a pair. Okay. They're fucking comfortable as fuck. And, but that, but, and then I went in and I was like, oh Kanye West did something similar. I was like, oh wait, I did something similar.

No, but I think you would enjoy that doing what I told you. Yeah, yeah. So you go to like a department store, go to like a nice department store. Yeah, because they don't carry what you normally see. Yeah. They won't carry like Nike's and Adidas, but they'll have every designer who you don't even know, but the shoes are out. So you just be like, no, no, no, no, no, no, you'll be like, what the fuck is this? Really?

Yeah. And there's everything. You know what I got the other day that I thought, as a Lark, I got Red Wing boots. Oh yeah. I was like, because we were snowing wherever we were. Yeah. And I was like, I only need boots.

We were doing, we were climbing at the top of a mountain. Oh yeah, I did see you do that. Yeah, and so I got red wing boots and they're, they're hard to get my foot into, all the enough. Like I, I got the ones, like see those ones in the middle? I got them in blue. I got those in blue. And I really but I really enjoy wearing them. And I don't wear them

socks because and which is crazy because I'm not not like I'm a sock guy I'm a real sock guy. Yeah. But I don't wear them with socks because I can't have a hard time getting my foot in with a sock on. Okay. On the enough. But they're really fucking great boots. They're the ones there's one I got to blue keep going. That's one I have. That's nice. with a sock on. Okay, oddly enough. But they're really fucking great boots. They're the ones that I got to blue, keep going. That's one I have. That's nice. Yeah, it's a good looking boot, right?

Yeah, that's nice. I think I bought everyone red one boots on my tour. Those are dope, dude. I like those. That's a fun thing to do is when you go get treats for everyone. Like we did when we went to Dividing Conquer, I got everyone those Y of Edas.

Have you ever seen the way I've had us? Pull up divide and conquer. I know we talked about it last week, but pull up the way I've had us. They're fucking great. You'd be a good way of it, guy. You told me this. Yeah.

How do I spy? I'm not spy. Why? You don't know. Nope. Just type in. There you go. No, I don't know. No, no, no, never mind. Never mind. It's already too late. It's gone.

Whew. I got to clean out my closet, money at home. That's what I'm gonna do. That's what I'm gonna do. Tommy? That's what I'm gonna do. Wait. It's a good, at first of all, it's really good feeling. I keep doing it. I'm gonna clean out. I'm gonna get rid of everything. You are? Yep. Hold a wardrobe. Hold a wardrobe. What kind of wardrobe, what's your style going to be? Do I have it? No. I will have one. Oh, that's a good, remember we talked about styles. Yeah. I think I'm going to just go T-shirt jeans flip flops for a while and just be T-shirt jeans flip flops. And but here's the, I have so many shirts, so many so many shirts that like fucking, I never wear.

I never wear, I only wear really only wear the, the James Perse shirts. It's like, James Perse is the fucking dude. I would geek out with him the same way I would with, well, that I will with Jeff Tweedy. By the way, I wonder if I just got my, because I think they said you could come back to the age of me, them.

I wonder if they're gonna see this and be like, I think that's a bad idea. Oh, they might. Whatever. I don't care. I already don't know him. It's not gonna, like, I still don't love the fucking show. Yeah.

This is what I would say about Wilcoe, about the way I've formed my business. And I mean this for every fucking person that has a business online. we did the Greek right? Yeah, I wanted to sell it out clean. That was it number one. I wanted it to be clean I wanted to sell it every fucking seat. I don't know. I got OCD about shit like that. Same way. I was for red rocks. I want it to be clean I have Jeff Tweedy comes Wilco comes into LA all the time and I don't know about it.

I don't know about it and I follow him on Instagram. I follow their newsletter. I follow everything on Wilco. How do you understand it? It just comes in, they put him on sale and it's like, oh whatever. It's, you know, that's just the way, like, Bright Eyes is the Greek. I want to go see Bright Eyes. Have you, you know, Conor Obrist is? No. Oh, are you being serious? I'm being totally serious.

Oh, you don't know Conor Obrist is? No. Dude, this guy is fucking, oh, Tom. Is he like these guys that plays like 20 instruments? No, he plays the guitar and he's fucking awesome, dude. Awesome, you've got to fucking, download Bright Eyes right now, listen to him, you're going to fall in love.

It's a little bit softer, a little bit more like mood music, like a little, this is the first day of my life. Like, it's like fun. So like, Conor Overs is at the Greek and I don't know about it. I don't know about it. And I'm not saying, I'm saying it's as an artist, it's his responsibility to get people that love him

to come out to the show. Sure. Like, and I say this to Wilco, It's his responsibility to get people that love him to the show come out to the show sure Like and I say this to Wilco I I have a lot of I have at least at least $500 that's yours. It's in my bank account anytime you want it you come to LA I'll give it to you I'll buy your merch I'll buy your tickets

I'm gonna have a fucking great time. I'm by by the way, I'm gonna spend more than $500 on that night. I will, but I will buy every fucking shirt you have. I'll buy the poster. I'm gonna buy all of it. I'll probably lose it at the Greek. I won't even remember bringing home with me, but it's your money.

I want you to have that, because that's how much fun you have made my life. Yeah. I get to get my car, get on a motorcycle, listen to Wilco, and I get to fucking jam out and disappear. It's so much fucking fun that you've earned that money. When you come, by the way, I wanna have that moment again.

I wanna see you live. I wanna see you live. I remember where I sat at the Greek when I watched Wilco, but you're not getting the money from me because you're not letting me know you're there. Yeah, so that's how I work my business. You're gonna talk to Tweetie about this, we need to know I won't bring this up.

But this is, by the way, I will fucking take a year off to promote Wilco. I fucking, listen, I would fucking, you know what I could do for their fucking business? I'm sure you're doing stadiums. I don't deserve to be playing the same venues they'd be play. I'm doing Red Rocks today before he's doing Red Rocks. Dude, I'm like, trust me, I'm gonna have to hustle to sell those tickets they're gonna sell out clean the day they announce it right here but like but like he like like I think that way for people about us like there's there's people watching right now that are like Bert what you just said about Wilco is how I feel about you and Tom sure like hey man I could maybe we're not as big of a thing

as Wilco but there are people going, hey, am I got a hundred bucks, give you? Yeah. Come all back tickets, all back good tickets, and I'll buy a shirt. I would love to. I just, it's my responsibility to let them know that you're gonna come into their town. It's not their responsibility to find out

when I'm coming to their town. Do you remember there's comics? They're not bleep this name. F***ing. To consistently would be like. Berate the fans. Berate the fans. I was just in your city.

You need to sign up for my newsletter. Go fuck your newsletter. It's your responsibility to promote every single day. If you have an open seat, every single day until the day that show airs, that the day you do that show, so that there's a, hey man, there was a young lady that was in Tulsa the other night

who's driving across country and was like oh my dad and I are big fans here's and I'm I was online I saw your Instagram post and I was there was a single seat left I grabbed it so cool now I appreciate you posting about it and so that's where I look at like Wilcoe went because I get bummed when I'm like Wilcoe is just here you fucking kidding me and I identify with that guy who texts what's his name and it's like yo when he come in the Boston He's like I was just their mother fucker. Yeah, you know, so but I don't know I think

It isn't knowing when somebody Follows you online though like follows like your Instagram and goes when you come in the in a Boston. I'm promoting it on this platform. Yeah, oh well, yeah. Well, not everyone is online all the time. No, no, it's true. It's why there is not just an argument. You should promote something more than once. Promoting it once doesn't mean that it's promoted.

Oh yeah, not at all. A lot of people do that. I put it up and that was it. No, no, no, I do hard pushes. Look, I mean, the only thing I do that's good, arguably, is stand up. Stand up in this podcast. Yeah.

I'll tell you about, if you don't know about two bears, I'll sell you hardest fuck on two bears. Do you, I've done it before. I've done it before. You're dead since I, you have a podcast. I say, yeah, you being serious. And they say, yeah, what is it? I say I have two. Birdcast, which is a different vibe. And then two bears

I do with my best friend. And I go, if you have a last two bears, you're sleeping. And they're like, what do you mean? I go, just Google Coolade. Yeah. Immediately dude, what the fuck is this? I go, yeah, it's me and my best friend were in our in arguably two of the funnier dudes in this country. I mean, without a fucking doubt, without a fucking doubt. I mean legit legit. Yeah, legit legit. We're top 20 on Netflix.

Sure. Like we're funny fucking guys. Yeah. And we love each other and we fuck around and we say regrettable things and we get drunk sometimes and we get high and we put butt plugs in our ass and we fucking threatened Jennifer Aniston and we fucking drink cool aid. Yeah. I drink cool aid, a gallon a day. Go fuck yourself, here's the deal.

I know, gets, like, I, mother fucker, man. Yeah, you know, I'm bad. It's like, I'll sell you on some shit. I was good. I was in the hotel gym, and the Celtics were in town playing whatever city we were in. And one of the Celtics was in the gym and he goes,

oh man, I'm a big fan of two bears. And I go, oh thanks, and he goes, I take a picture and I go, yeah, sure man. Wait, what Celtic? I don't remember his name. What? I don't remember his name. He was really tall.

Oh great. And he... What? How do members name? He was really tall. Oh, great. And he... What the fuck is starting lineup of the Celtics? So, it felt the roster, I'm not even starting lineup. Boston Celtics 2022 roster. And then... It might have been on keep going

Hit hit go go back to the left hit Sam houseer It was I think it was Sam. Okay, I keep going So anyway, I Think so Anyway, so he takes a picture with me. You see this big six seven dude He's like I really appreciate it and you know, I asked me what I'm doing town and then he walks away. Well, there's another guy Working out in the gym just like some dude and he sees it all so he's like What does he listen to? I was like what he goes what did he say you you have a show?

I go oh yeah, yeah, he listens to two bears he goes what is that and I go it's a podcast And he's like oh I listen to podcasts I Go okay good and he goes I guess. I go, okay, good. And he goes, what's like the, kind of the formula of that show where we talk about, and I go, listen man. I guess really hard to explain.

I go, I don't know if you'd like it. And he's like, what? And I go, well, he goes like, what are your topics? Like, what are the topics? Like, what do you guys discuss? Is it like, economy, news? And I was, well, he goes like, what are your topics? Like, what are the topics? Like, what do you guys discuss? Is it like economy news? And I was like, no, no, no.

And he was like, so what is it? I go, it's comedy. And he's like, it's a comedy show. I go, it's called my friend doesn't know who Justin Trudeau is. I was just, you can look it up. I did like the opposite of selling him. I was like, I go, I think it's leg day. We got, we got to go. So that's how I sold it.. I was like, I go, I think it's leg day, we gotta go.

So, that's how I sold it. He was like, all right. I love when, like, my favorite is, when to hear someone, hear someone sell it to someone else. Yeah. So we were in a restaurant the other day, and our chef came, our chef, there's every chef, by the way, that I go to, we go to any restaurant,

not chef chef, but the cooks. They're always, one guy came out there and he goes, I'm listening to you right now. Right now, I guess. Right now, I'm like, oh, cool. But it's fun when someone goes, wait, what is it? And then they have to explain it in front of you. And then I go, it's, I don't know, it's like,

it's like, they're like, he's, oh it's Liam. Oh. Hello. What's up baby doll? Nothing I'm doing, two bears won't care but Tommy. Oh, well you might find this interesting for two bears when cave. What's up?

Your daughter, I like that bus today school for gambling. Oh, she's playing dice. That's what she's doing. That's like, that's our tell you. I didn't know you were on fucker. Wait, she's shooting dice? Dice! Yeah, she's playing left-right center. She shouldn't die? Die!

Yeah, she's playing left-right center. For money! For money! At long time she got busted. Wait, is she in trouble? Yeah, I think so. Jesus Christ. I think she might be a little bit of trouble. She's gambling at an all-girls' cafe. Let's go.

For money! Nice fucking! Domino motherfucker! Let's go. What money? For money! Nice to fuck you! Domino motherfucker! Right? Oh. I thought I'd let you know. All right. All right.

So, can we call Eila? He's the tain at the mallet. She's like, I am like, she's in the principal office. Yeah, she's been speaking detained for shooting dice. Motherfucker. You know? Goddammit.

I don't think she knew it was technically gambling. I don't think she understood. But yeah, she got trouble for you. Oh, good. All right, well, when do you get into Austin tomorrow morning? Yeah, tomorrow morning. Okay. Yeah. Uh, I love you. Bye. Bye. Fucking a island. Yeah. The island's stories never end. Yeah. That's fantastic. That's a good one. That's a good one. What if you like how much we game?

And she's like like 400 bucks Like you're wise because that's fucking looking for something to me to feel alive A long day fucking it's break. Yeah, I that fucking child man that child has been a fucking her nurse sister I loved I loved having kids. It was so much fun. I would do it again. Yeah. Leanne's done.

I would love to get her pregnant now. It'd be fucking awesome to sneak one past the goalie. Hey, should I measure myself now? After what happened? It's been two days. Okay. Okay, been two days. Okay. Okay, I gotcha. What were we talking about before the end called?

Oh, listening to people describe two bears to someone in front of you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's, there's ones where I go, like when we did the Stefano one. I did and it's kind of crazy, but I didn't want to promote. I was nervous that people just mock us.

For getting emotional. Crying so fucking hard. I think people actually really connected with that. Yeah, I don't know. I don't read it. I really try not to and I do dabble every now and do the comments. I'll see, like I'll post a video and I'll be like, oh, it was a cool video.

It was getting a lot of likes. And I'll, like every now and then I'll dabble into the comments and then just one comment will fuck it up for me. Yeah, of course. And I'm like, god damn it. If you just, and I told my, I have a team, I have a team who, you know, does my social media for me.

Yeah. So like, like they do everything. I send them everything they they post everything, and I just shoot it, and then I stay out of the mix that way. And they, the comments are great on this one. And I was like, hey, if I go just, you know, don't delete anything bad. If it's bad, leave it up. I don't want it to lead anything. Yeah. So once I go just, it's, and I go and I tell Lee Ann, Lee, if you can land me all the comments, I go, don't read your fucking comments.

Because you're good ones, mean as much as the bad ones. It's true, you know? I can't help you do every now and then, like, it's hard to resist, but you're totally right. The best ever, you're the grade, all that stuff, is as meaningless, and it should be as you're the worst, you suck, like, you know, you can't buy into either one. I read someone else's comments one time.

Yeah, I read someone else's comments and I got trashed in their comments. And I was like, mother fucker. Do like I bet Bert fucking done. And I was like, what the fuck dude? This is it dude, I'm not even on this fucking thing. I was like, Jesus Christ man. All right, look, I'm exhausted. All right. Should we wrap it up?

You want to wrap it up? Yeah. I'm really glad you introduced me to Stem Souls. Good. I'm glad you're getting them. Again. Now, what are you going to, oh, this is what I wanted to ask you. Because you're a treat guy. You like treats. Yeah.

You've been on a big tour. Yeah. You're about to do another tour with your fully loaded. And you'll tour some more in the fall. So what's a year in birdie boy treat going to be? You got to get treat yourself. You're about to do another tour with your fully loaded and you'll tour some more in the fall. So what's a year in birdie boy treat gonna be? You gotta get it. Treat yourself. Oh, that is the greatest fucking question anyone's ever had.

And let me give you some advice. Okay, okay. Don't ask Leanne what she thinks. No shit. Just do it. Alright, so let's put a, I'll tell you one of my treats would be, Jeff Tweedie playing at my house. Yeah, fucking great. I also wouldn't, I would book it before you,

and then be like, guess what I did. You know what I mean? Like if you do it. Oh yeah, I would never tell you. Yeah, I just do it. I'd be like, okay, I'm just throwing a surprise party for myself. Yeah. I'll tell you treats I want.

Okay. I want a sailboat. Wow. Yeah, like I kind of want a sailboat. Wow. Yeah, like I kind of want a sailboat. Like I kind of want to do something like everyone seems to have hobbies, but me. Like you like race cars, you like fucking, you do things, you do things, you have interests, Rogan hunts. Like I want to have an interest and I was like maybe I'll do sailing, I'll be, I'll have to be sober because you can't sail drunk.

I was like, maybe I'll get a sailboat. Maybe I'll do like a, I don't, I wish I'd like cars more. Like I wish I really liked cars. Like the car you have out there I saw, I was like, it's a beautiful car. I don't know if I would, I don't know if I enjoy driving fast.

Yeah. Like I enjoy like, you can still get cars that are, that aren't fast that are just fun to drive. I'll tell you what I'm thinking about doing. What, for, I think I'm, I'm toiling with the idea for fully loaded and for tours, getting a sprinter van that we can pull behind the bus

so that when we get to a city, we have a van to get it take us places. That's called a sprinter van. That's nice. I would love a sprinter van to take me around, like to when we get to a city, we have a van to get take us places. I would love a Sprinter van. That's nice. I would love a Sprinter van to take me around, like when I go to spots, have a driver come get me and take me to this show, do the spot and come home. I love a Sprinter van.

Yes, I do. Those are key on the road. Okay, maybe let's go smaller, it's treats. Okay. Motorcycle. Really? I love to get a motorcycle. Maybe I can do dirt bike. Very cool. I mean, a watch is what I would get, right?

I want you to get it. I don't like any more watches. It's like the same with shoes. I like Rolexes and I got one and I have two, I have three, and I like them, but I don't know that there's another one that I really like. Like when you, one time I think you text me a picture and you're like, oh, this is a badass Rolex.

And I was like, I wanna know why. Like I don't know why. Yeah, then I mean, I think you just need to. I like your watch today. Thanks. Good looking. Thank you. And then I was like, oh, I liked that watch.

And then I was like, when we were doing that meeting in there, I was like, I'm just playing the same watch every day. I just wear the same watch every day. That's fine. It then I was like, oh, I liked that watch. And then I was like, and when we were doing that meeting in there, I was like, I'm just wearing the same watch every day. I just wear the same watch every day. That's fine. It's what you like. Just go with what you like. What are you gonna do for your, when you're,

when you're towards over in 2027, what are you gonna do with your, when you're gonna treat yourself? No idea. I don't know. I don't know. It feels far away. I would mind, I would tell you what, I wouldn't mind. What? I've, you know, I've been to him with this.

I wouldn't mind buying a house in Austin. That's cool. I know. That's cool. Like a, like a, like a, because here's so much I would love to fucking be here and just hang. Yeah.

And not feel like I'm rushed to be in in two days and two days. Can I introduce you to a realtor? Yeah. Okay. That'd be hilarious. I can't tell you this house, I'm not, I'm rushed to be in in two days and two days. Can I introduce you to a realtor? Yeah. Okay. That'd be hilarious, if I could take this house on that telling me, I love our doctor's house. Really? I love his house.

Oh yeah. Do you think I should text him and tell him I want that coffee tomorrow? Yeah. That coffee was fucking amazing. Amazing. Dude, I remember Leanne took me to see the redneck so comedy, not the red, the blue to see the red next to comedy.

Not the blue collar comedy tour. Blue collar comedy tour. She was like, she bought us tickets. I was like, I really want you to see this. These are like my favorite comics. She loved, she loved the Kings of Comedy. So when this came out, she's like, this I'm in love. And Leanne cackled, cackled through the whole fucking thing.

And I was looking at through a comic size. Yeah. So like, I was laughing, but I was like, I was like, I'm okay. I mean, maybe I got that joke, not that, you know, whatever. When Ron White came out and told Tater salad, there's, there's a handful of jokes that I can tell you today that I go Pivotal in the way I see comedy like Kevin Hart did Kevin Hart did Did Shaq's Shaq instead of his also our comedy jam. Yeah, he followed three dudes followed

I most remember this Tommy Davidson D Ray Davis Ari airy spears and it was and then Kevin Hart I think is the lineup. Kevin Hart closed it and everyone else was out there doing like adult material because it was, you know, it's everyone's like pussy, I'm not to distance, not to take away from anyone else's set. But like, talking and doing what I would do is I'd go for like, man, I went down on my way,

went on a water. Kevin Hart went out and talked about his kids. That's it. And I realized, I realized for like, man, I went down on my way, went on my way. Kevin Hart went out and talked about his kids. That's it. And I realized, I realized very quickly, oh, everyone in that room's got kids pretty much. Everyone identifies with that material. And I was like, and that's what he's going through, he's, why would he talk?

What, like, that's who he is. Yeah. I remember fucking being like, holy shit, man. You don't have to be something you're not to be funny. Like I wanted to be like dot, dot, dot, or dot, dot, dot. It was just to say, Dane Cook was like cool hip, Daniel Tosh, cool hip, young. I wanted to be that but I kids.

And I was like, oh, he's just talking about who he is. Change the way I saw everything. Bernie Maxx, I ain't scared of these motherfuckers. Yeah, yeah. One of those moments where you're like, oh, that's a, that's a's a fucking, this is on the fly. He's doing this a wrong wise Tater Salah story. It was a game changer for me.

I was like, I was like, dude, if I could, if I remember really just saying, if I could have one story that good, I'd sell my soul to the devil. And then, and then, and then I remember watching him do it and he didn't tell it on stage. And I was like, oh, it's my favorite thing you've ever done. Please do it.

And he was like, I don't do it. I was like, yeah. I was like, well, okay, well, sit down. When I was 23 years old, I got involved with him. I was like, what? I was like, you're gonna hear it. I told you the story to Amanda Knox you did on the pack Fucking horrible oh Jesus all right, we gotta go. I gotta go by the way. I barely feel buzzed

But as you should time we get started are we don't we don't have to do reads do we? Mother fucker all right. Hey. Yeah, love you. I love you too Bert time time and Bert one goes top swap the other wears a shirt Motherfucker! Alright, hey, yeah, dirty jokes, ranchy humor, no apologies. Here's what we call, two bears one cave.