2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 137 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Yannis Pappas

Episode Date: June 13, 2022

We got guest bear Yannis Pappas joining Tom Segura this week! Go check out his standup comedy special "Mom Love" on YouTube! The bears discuss celebrity culture, standup comedy youtube specials, and fat football coaches like Stan Van Gundy and Mark Mangino. They find an article wondering why Bert Kreischer takes his shirt off all the time, describe what it feels like for your jokes to not work on stage, and appreciate everything Jewish people have done for society. They discuss cool things about China, how people stopped caring about the Olympics, how to raise good kids and today's swimsuit models.   https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/bertyboytour https://store.ymhstudios.com/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Like, no, maybe I'm being a dick. Maybe I shouldn't have said that person's fat to their face. You don't have to do that. I'm just keeping it real here. Yeah, yeah. I tell it like it is. 100% Well, your dream finally came true.

Bert has passed away. No, I think he's touring. But I'm here in Austin, and I'm super happy today to be joined by the great, the hilarious Giannis Papas, everybody. Let him hear it. Let him hear it. Thank you. Good to be here.

Just before, we'll mention it many times but uh long day's podcast is uh every saturday and you dropped a new special on the youtubes called mom love that all you can do right all you have to do right now is just type that into your search engine and watch it and it's fucking free and go laugh and watch another great special it costs a share because there it is that's what it costs yeah send it to your friends yeah and you know people that's how lazy we because people won't and watch another great special. It costs a share. There it is. That's what it costs. Yeah, send it to your friends. Yeah, and you know, people, that's how lazy we, people won't even do that.

Yeah. If I say, just text it to a friend, they don't do it. No, I know, but it is like, look, something on it, especially like, because there's this full special, but you're probably going to have clips out, right? Like you'll clip it out a little bit. Yeah. And like, those are the easiest to share too. It's like, one makes you laugh you just send it to your group yeah and then all of a sudden you

have 15 people just learned about it and then they tell other people yeah you have something to talk about yeah something to share you have something to bond over something to get mad about that's the best yes find something he says that really pisses you off yeah that's how that would that's like i think uh the number one american product right now that rage rage yeah i'm pissed i'm pissed i'm fucking pissed and i wanna i would like to vent it online and then when i see you just be very nice yeah exactly yeah that's true yeah that is like we're all jekyll and hyde what is it though why are amer Americans more rageful, it feels like? Like, things can bother somebody from another country, and I feel like their thing is, like, a Canadian, European, whatever. It's like, we don't agree with this.

Right. But, like, Americans are like, I'm going to show you how I can yell. Yeah. And how I can curse. I think part of it is we don't have health care, so we're a little, people are a little surly. Yeah. They're a little upset.

And we're also like, everyone wants to be like famous. Yeah, they do. So if they're not, they're mad. And they're like, if I can scream, maybe that'll make me famous. But everyone's always just a little upset that they're not Ben Affleck. I feel like everyone else is just like,

why am I not Ben Affleck? Yeah, Ben Affleck. You know, and they're just, you know, cause he's like, whatever. He he's handsome. He's good looking. He started with a good hit, but then he, he was able to fail into success. Geely, a couple of bombs. I think he put on tights and did a superhero movie that sucked, but they wouldn't let him fail. And people are like, why can't i live like that yeah my boss fucking fired me yesterday because i maybe did something wrong yeah i want to be like man i want to just be able to have that american dream life that i know it's fucking it is also i think a completely american thing to not that it doesn't exist in other places but i think americans are more obsessed with fame like being famous really carries something here that you don't like i think

there's other other cultures that just go like who cares and here it's like i'm famous people get a clip uh like on youtube of like hey uh you know the person that vomited on the flight attendant? That's me. Yeah. And like that's, everyone's seen that? Yeah. I did that.

Yeah, you remember the Long Island Bagel guy? He just got his ass kicked in a bagel shop and that made him famous. He's like, I'm the guy. I'm the guy who was in there who was like five foot three

who got tackled in front of a bagel store and then had a stroke. I'm the guy who's like, fuck women. Yeah. That's my thing. It's me.

You guys recognize me? Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah. It does seem like, I guess because we celebrate it. We celebrate fame probably more than other, but we're just like, you know, there's channels and there's pages just dedicated to like,

it feels very American to say like, look what this person, this person was out at the park today. Yeah. This actress was at the park walking her dog. Yeah. And we go, look. She's just like us. Yeah. Yeah.

She's holding a coffee and we're like, wow, they are just like us. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. I have very rarely flipped out at a famous, like being around a famous person. Yeah, I'm flipping out right now being around you. I mean, yeah. Imagine if that was the case. I walked in and I was like shaking.

I'm like, Mr. Segura. I have to say this. This sounds like a real boast, but it's happened to me a few times where after shows I've met fans that get like that, and I'm like, you really need to get your life together i'm a fucking comedian yeah yeah yeah what is wrong with you yeah yeah save that shit for a for fucking harry styles yeah it is really true i can't believe i'm meeting him like why

yeah we're like uh just barely in shape. Yeah, man. In between good looking and bad. We look like normal guys. Yeah. And we are normal guys with a lot of flaws. Yeah, comedy famous is a different thing. It's totally different.

Save that shit for a legit hot guy. You're making me feel bad. You know, we're both good friends with ali right i love ali we started together i love ali and i just i was just thinking what you were saying that like um you know we me and her got lunch once and she was like concerned about being recognized or whatever and i just felt like i'm saying like just take your glasses off yeah take your glasses off nobody will you'll just be Asian like I just picture her going like everyone's going

ah Italian then she just goes and then they just walk right by her you know she squats down and starts eating or whatever yeah

she could she could commit a crime and just assimilate right in yeah sit on the floor yeah the people all her fans going

where is she they'll think you just got here. Just sit down there. Just eat rice out of this styrofoam container. You'll hide. You'll hide fine. Yeah. You know what's funny, though, about recognition is that it's nuts.

This happened during the pandemic. I couldn't believe that you could wear a mask and people would be like, hey, man. You're like how do you fucking how right right but then i when i actually wrecked i oddly enough was at a coffee place and turn see a guy in a mask and i go oh that's ben affleck and i like immediately yeah you're like there's no oh there's no really hiding you'd have to do you have to do hat yeah big mask yeah because like your features still come out right yeah you have to do hat, big mask, because your features still come out, right? You have to do an oversized mask.

But it's crazy that you can actually identify somebody pretty quickly just from this. Right. Well, Bert, he'd have to put a shirt on, and then he'd hide. Because he'd have a mask, and be like, there he is. I can recognize his belly. Bert does this thing, too, where it's like, we go out together. And he's like. Don't tell me he takes his shirt off before he sits down at the restaurant.

I mean, he's done it. Does he go? But like, he's like, everybody always recognizes me and not you. I'm like, yeah, because you're loud. Yeah. Okay? We just walked in. You're like, hey, everybody.

And I'm like, they ain't fucking turned. Toss me a course. Yeah. You're like, dude, this is steakhouse. But he does. He walks into places. He's like, hey, everybody. And I'm like, they ain't fucking turned. Toss me a course. You're like, dude, this is steakhouse. But he does. He walks into places. He's like, party start. It's like, you're like, this is really a thing. I'm going to get around for everybody.

You're like, OK. Yeah. You guys are like, yeah. You're like Bobby De Niro in Goodfellas. And he's like Joe Pesci. It's like, eventually, you're going to have to kill him. He's just bringing too much attention to you. So much heat.

All this fucking heat. You fucking Jew motherfucker. Oh, Jesus. He's so crazy. I think he's posting his measurements every day right now. Yeah, I mean, he just wears it so well, though. He wears his weight, his shape so well. He does.

He looks good in it. It fits his face. He actually does need a boat. Because it is like a ship captain kind of persona. Yeah. I think, you know, because we all have a last chapter, right? And sometimes they're ugly. He, I picture his last,

he'll live on a boat at some point. Yeah, I think you're right. And someone should just push him out with like just a keg. Yeah. And just,

just he, like he's like a, like a bird dying. Yeah. That's how you, that's how Florida people like to die, like birds.

This guy right here. I mean, he's got, he's going to get skin cancer. Yeah yeah he's red dude yeah the funny thing is if you jesus christ i mean he's so sunburned that and that oh my god this is does he have to like train to party like the way athletes i train to i think sports i think yes without thinking of it as doing so right so you're like you'd be like how are you not hung over and he'd be like what are you talking about yeah and you're like but you're just not hung over he's like oh i do this every day and then you're like oh this is training right we're all hung over because we don't do this every day and then you're like oh this is training right like we're all hung over because we don't do this every day you're doing it every day some people run every day yeah

like athletes stretch and uh you know they get on the treadmill he just has diarrhea and vomit it's like i'm ready he told me that's his stretching i got it all out what are you talking about i feel great he told me he has diarrhea every day. Yeah, I know. He drinks beer. If I have like one beer, I can't shit straight for a month. I know. Let alone if I had a diet of beers and occasional food.

Oh, my God. My favorite is when he goes, I haven't drank in a long time. And I'm like, how long? He's like, it's fucking, it's Wednesday, Sunday. I'm like, that's not, that was three days, man. He's like, yeah, it? It's fucking, it's Wednesday, uh, Sunday. I'm like, that's not, that was three days, man.

He's like, yeah, but I mean, I'll drink tonight. It'll be like, it'd be like, I haven't drank in years. I'm like,

what? He drinks in dog years. Yeah. It's like three days a year for me, man. Yeah. Fucking out of his mind. So crazy. He's doing, uh, he's doing the's doing the what's it called the fully loaded tour so if you

want to go see Bert and he has a fucking crew with him I mean the the comics the lineup is wild so go see it it's a it's in a bunch of minor league baseball parks and amphitheater. It's got Burt, Atel, Diaz, Fortune, Shane Gillis, Nikki Glaser, Chelsea Lynn, Mark Norman, Big Jay Oakerson, Taylor Tomlinson,

Sal Vulcano. Wow, it's like a full showcase show. That's a big show. And it'll be like outdoors and probably people doing 20 minutes. And it's going to be super fun, entertaining, side things happening. And it'll be a fun night. What a great era, man. What a great era.

That we're in right now? Yeah, where comics are just like, hey, man, I'm going gonna make this the funnest possible he's doing this for fun yeah that's the that's why this is gonna work is that it's it's that is his ultimate fun thing like when when the pandemic happened and touring stopped he was the guy who actually spearheaded outdoor shows yeah you know so he did an outdoor tour yeah where he was just doing these like you know uh socially because people would stay in their vehicles and so i was like this sounds like a fucking nightmare to me right and he was like i think it's the greatest thing of all time and then i did one with him and i was like yeah i hated it and and he was like he's like really

i'm like yeah he was in heaven yeah he's like i really? I'm like, yeah. He was in heaven. Yeah. He's like, I mean, it's just like, there's certain things that just are, that line up for people. They're just like a match. And that whole like outdoor fun in the sun thing. I mean, that's who he is. Yeah.

He's got a big, he's got a boisterous personality. He does. Yeah. His comedy can penetrate through cars. Yeah. Yeah. Go through metal. Absolutely.

Whereas you're like, you need people to have no obstructions between you and the person. Like, you know, yeah absolutely whereas you're like you need people to have no obstructions between you and the person like you know yeah because you're in pocket you're a little more like yeah i'm like can we get the cotton candy guy to take a break like i just want to fucking yeah um yeah but another thing that's like huge in this era is the fact that like i i've always celebrated this i've celebrated this every time it happens is that we we came from an era where you started where you go can i have permission like may i do this and then you basically beg you beg somebody who doesn't know a fucking thing about what we do to say yes i choose you and then we're like

thank you so much yeah and you just you know it's all it feels almost pathetic looking back on it and now we live in a time where like if you want to do a podcast you get a mic you get a camera you put out your podcast and it's just you put it out to the world but with stand-up with specials my favorite thing that has come from the last few years is comics putting out their own specials. Because it was a thing, you know, when we were growing up and probably first doing stand-up, it was just HBO and just Comedy Central.

And basically HBO was unattainable. You'd be like, I'm not going to end up on fucking HBO. That's for George Carlinlin and robin williams and chris rock so we were all just like begging you know just wishing that comedy central would look at us yeah and then as you know it evolves and like became netflix and now now there's multiple platforms where it can happen but you don't have to ask anybody anymore you don't have to say do anymore. You don't have to say, do you think I'm worthy? You can just shoot it and put it out. And these things work, man. They work.

People put these specials on YouTube. And look, it's free. Anybody can see it. Anybody can share it. And it turns into the same thing that the big platform specials turn into, which is like awareness of the person and ticket sales, which is ultimately what drives our business. So I just think it's great that you're doing that that you put out another special like that and like i always encourage comics who are like watching or

listening talking about special like look man if you're ready like in other words the material's ready if no one's fucking saying i'll do it it for you, fucking go do it yourself. Yeah. Like, you guys in New York, I feel like, have done it the most, you know, with Schultz and Mark and Shane and you. It's like, you guys have shown that this works. Yeah. So it's fucking cool to watch. Also, you know, other comedians share it,

which is a big part of the... Big part. Like, you have me on here to promote it, and that's a big part of it, too, is just, like, comics going, hey, man, let's help this guy get out. Yeah. because like i think if like if you really are if you're a comedian you love comedy you want to celebrate comedians doing things like i like comedians winning whether it's like a special or a move i'm like hey man you know like i i want comedians to win yeah so like i think that's the cool thing

about like our fraternity as comics is that we all are like yeah of course i'll promote your thing you know i also think it it's good in a selfish way when you think about it because like eventually no matter how funny you are people are gonna be like i want to see i want to look at something else of course and then that'll make them come back you know like oh let me take a break and check that out and then i'll come back because eventually if it's just like i mean how many carly it's like you want a different flavor and there's of course i need to go around and then you can and then you take a break from someone else and you're watching something and yeah it just makes the whole thing that we all do look good yeah it does it's like we're in control of what it is now and like we're making

it look good because who better to know who else is funny than someone who's funny exactly you know it's like that's the only person i trust yeah when i'm watching like basketball uh you know commentary yeah i'm always listening more to tim legler than i am to fucking steven a smith steven a smith's entertaining yeah and i i enjoy him but but I want to hear what the players have to say. Oh, yeah. How great has J.J. been? Oh, J.J.'s great. He's like, what are you talking about, dude?

Have you ever suited up? And they're like, no. And you're like, you don't know what you're talking about. He is fucking so on point. And you get one every decade of the former player who's on point with their analysis. And really, you know, like when Romo broke in the football thing, people were like, he's calling out plays before they happen.

They're like, yeah, he's a fucking quarterback that knows how to read fucking tape. So he's sitting there being like, look, man, this is going to be a screen right here. And everyone's like, oh my God, this is great. Like he would just see the play happening. Redick is like the basketball equivalent of that. And I love that type of analysis.

I love watching sports that I enjoy where the analysis elevates the game. And also coaches, former coaches, all the best coaches were former players because they know they've been in the game. And also you command a little more respect probably from the guys. I mean, no disrespect to the Van Gundys, I mean, but, like, if you're a 6'4 professional athlete and some 5'3 bald guy comes down and goes, guys, you got to play harder.

You're like, dude, what was the most work you did today? You brushed your fucking teeth? Was that the most movement you did? Like, what are you talking? I can't respect you as a my captain you're not marcus aurelius i know get me ready for battle do you look like my fucking accountant trying to motivate me to play a physical i know uh like civilized war it's not working it's fucking the it's the worst when the the little dweebs and the the the fat turds become like these successful

coaches and you want to be like you don't deserve this man like you weren't built for this like get in the stands I don't care if you're good at it I don't respect you go get a middle management job you ever have a fat coach who's like you guys gotta do another lap

why don't you do one lap Stan Van Gundy you're fucking obese you have no business coaching athletes the best athletes in the world. I mean, he looks like just someone's dad. How about that? Do you remember that Kansas State coach a few years back? I can't picture. Go type in Kansas State, and I think his name was Mangiano,

something like that. G? Yeah. Something like that um g yeah something like that that guy that guy's like yeah you're a piece of shit do a lap that guy's got no business being anywhere besides behind a meat counter i mean right like Anywhere besides behind a meat counter. I mean, right? You want the tomahawks?

We got tomahawks today. Did you say extra bologna? Yeah, I did. Dude. This is a guy in charge of athleticism. Yeah. Like in young men. Yeah.

Get your guy's life together. I'm the guy in charge. In his defense, the football is that one exception that if he was a lineman or something like that, those guys just fucking blow out. They do. They stop working because they just keep eating the way they eat. Look at him staying next to clearly a quarterback there. I mean, I'm guessing

this guy's not even six feet. When you hire a guy like that, you don't even have to worry about, is this our guy for the long term? We got three years with this guy. We got three years. Look, let's just hope he dies in the offseason, all right? Let's sign our recruiting class. Then he goes, and we're good.

Jesus Christ. You know, when he recruits, it's like you can just hear him breathe in the living room. He's one of those guys you can definitely hear breathe. You can look at him and you know you can hear him breathe. I can hear him. I'm looking at his picture, and I can hear him breathe. You know what would be a nightmare is to sit next to this guy on a flight.

Oh, Jesus. It would be louder than the jet engines. You'd be like, Jesus Christ. And then if he falls asleep, you just keep nudging him away because he would start really roaring. Yeah. You know the crazy thing is you'd see him at the facility and he'd be the kind of coach to be like you know that's what you've been eating you look like you're putting on a little weight you have to be like really really guy yeah should i

try your diet is that what's gonna work he's like you and i aren't the same and you're like no i know that i know that oh man i'm gonna live just a little bit longer. On average, it takes about 30 days for a person to break their New Year's resolutions. It took me two. So if saving your money was on your 2024 list, your odds aren't looking that great. Luckily, I have a 100% guaranteed way to save you money this year. Just switch to Mint Mobile. Right now, Mint Mobile has wireless plans starting at $15 a month. Mint Mobile. Right now, Mint Mobile has wireless plans starting at $15 a month. $15 a month? Are you kidding me? That takes your monthly nut and skinnies it up. And then think about what you can do with all that extra money. All plans come with unlimited talk and text, plus high-speed data delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. You don't really appreciate 5G until you get out of

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That's true. You're allowed to. Nobody ever goes, you're being fat phobic. You can call, you can be like, you fat piece of shit. I also think. Guys are just like, I know. As long as you're carrying extra, like if you need to lose weight, then like you can kind of, like if we were 160 pounds and we're doing this,

people are like, they're kind of mean. Yeah, if you're fat yeah you need to i need to lose weight so then they're like yeah it's all right i'm always fat and my problem is like i'm a guy who looks like he shouldn't be fat yeah i mean i'm i feel like i should lose 30 40 pounds yeah that's what i need to lose yeah i don't know you know i'm like in between sizes right now which is real funny like I'm in between a large and extra large. Yeah. Which means when I go in, even to buy a t-shirt,

I have to try both on. Oh, yeah. And then sometimes I'll leave with neither. Yeah. Because it's like, am I going to wear a dress or am I going to wear a leotard? Yeah. It's like, it just doesn't work, dude.

Am I going to look like I'm fucking just like, you know, a ballerina or I'm going to a black barbecue? And I'm in the same position and I fucking, the worst is when they go, I had a shot something. And so the wardrobe people were like, sizes for like t-shirts. I'm like, kind of varies. What kind of, are we talking Italian sizes?

And they're like, what? I go, I spent about half an hour buying t-shirts. So I need to try a bunch on. And they're like, can we get a size I'm like I don't know you ever go into like J.Crew or something and like just grab t-shirts and you didn't notice that it was a slim fit

and then you get home and it's just like hugging your stomach I need standard fit this is disgusting and the worst is like putting on one of those and someone's like those look good and you're like no they don't they don't i'm not going fucking deep sea diving these are fucking t-shirts yeah fucking asshole but you know it's funny because when i see burton like a scuba suit whatever he's

in he looks it works it's because of the visceral fat. It's also the confidence in which he holds it. It is. He stands like a proud fat man. Well, so what happens is his liver is distended. And so the skin around him is very, very tight. It's not loose fat. It's pushing up on his organs. Eventually, it will suppress all his organs and the blood supply will die.

But it looks kind of good yeah i love that this is a line here i've never seen before it says why does the comedian take his shirt off like that's just like does that have an answer like there's an article about it if you've ever seen chrysler both both fans and the haters wonder why chrysler takes his shirt off there's a good reason for his stylistic choice. This is fascinating. This is what we deal with now as comics,

like people trying to just look in everything and try to... I would too, though. I get it. I know why they hate us. Like, it looks too fun. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? It's like we actually can make entertaining stuff

like just two guys sitting down. Yeah, just sitting down talking. And so if I was watching this, I'd be like, fuck these guys. They're having too good of a time and getting paid for it and then they go digging into their past i and then they go like i you know i can do that or they shouldn't be allowed to make a good living doing that and i totally get that too because i think if i were at home you know just watching that yeah i'd be like wait they they fucking do theaters and stuff this is fucking stupid and then you and then you think the thing is that they think they can do it you like when

you when you watch like somebody do you're like i could do that or like my friend could do that you can't no you can't i used to actually put people up yeah like when i had like a workout room yeah with al used to do all the time it was bar four it was like this legendary room in new york city it was like jail rules it was like this legendary room in New York City. It was like jail rules. It was completely crazy. And if someone started heckling, I would put them up. I'd go, because I used to host and I'd go long and it was just a crazy show.

And I'd go, I'd give you two minutes, three minutes. And I'd get in there and I'd heckle them. And they'd bomb, like they would bomb. And it was just fun to watch. I'd be like, all right. You know? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, if someone was like,

you're treating a comic badly, not funny. I like all right it's your turn next you're next and their disposition completely changes oh yeah they go up there kind of cocky because yeah yeah and then they and then as soon as they feel that silent when you turn around you feel that silence and you're like i gotta turn this silence into something but you don't have the tool oh it's like a guy with a gun coming at you and you're just standing there or it's like a chicken when a fox shows up you're just like fuck yeah like chickens just me like when when like a owner leaves the chickens outside of the coop and that moment when they see the eyes of the fox the chickens must be going looking down and just going fuck dude fuck yeah like i fuck that's all they can do is just they just try to they know it's over they

gotta know it's over it is such a they have nothing to defend themselves you can't really i i always i was trying to always describe what it feels like to bomb you know and like one of the ones that just the things i came up with was like have it, it's like professing your love to someone in front of people. That's perfect. In front of people. That is so perfect. And then the person's like, uh, no.

Yeah. And you're like, um. Dude, I have nothing. And you're like, what? You just want to die? I have zero to add to that. That is the best, most accurate description. Of bombing.

That's it. Yeah. That is it. It's like, yeah, professing your love and getting rejected is embarrassing enough. Yeah. Imagine you doing that in front of people. In front of people. It's exactly what it is.

Yeah. I mean, it almost reminds me of those, you've seen those clips of the guy proposing at a game. Yeah. And the guy proposing like at a game. Yeah. And the girl's like, no. And you're like, oh. It's like that has to feel, I mean. Your skin gets hot.

Yeah. Like your skin starts, you know, it feels like you have COVID. Like your skin gets hot. Yeah. You want to get out of your skin. You want to get out of your body. You have an out of body experience.

Like you feel lightheaded. You can feel the blush. You can feel the blood rushing your cheeks and you just you remember them too like you know once you've done stand-up for a long time you've done you've done thousands of hours of stand-up basically right you've done just so many shows and if somebody were like do you remember great moments you're like yeah i remember you know i remember like a couple zings back in the moment at hecklers i remember shows that were like rock shows where you're like jesus christ like beginning to end this was unbelievable as an experience right like but you go man those like

bombs they have a special category in your memory oh yeah like i mean i can remember like a year one and year two uh doing sets you know these are like bringer shows and stuff where like i'd say a line and and just hearing someone there's 25 people going like oh god they're just saying that and you're like and you're not prepared for it yeah it's not like someone saying it now yeah yeah where you know how to address it yeah you just were like and you just you know you could feel your whole body get hot and and you're and what it feels like is it feels like someone is mocked imagine someone mocking you yeah that's what you feel you're being mocked yeah you're being bullied it feels like you're being bullied yeah yeah and you're all you're

also the most you're the only one being vulnerable yeah so it's almost it's a version of being like i want to tell you how i feel today this one's being like oh jesus christ and you're like it's the reason why guys don't talk about their feelings in front of their guy friends exactly because like as soon as they say something vulnerable guys like come don't be a girl yeah i'm sorry yeah i didn't you know i'm just gonna go eat more yeah i'm just gonna go eat more and just and lie i'm gonna lie about how i feel all the time all the time yeah i just i'm scared we just did we just like encourage someone because you were like i only remember i remember a few heckles no someone out there going like i'm gonna go to tom show and yannis's show and make it memorable now because

here's the thing don't do that us and everybody there hates you yeah and like it memorable. Nah, because here's the thing. Don't do that. Us and everybody there hates you. Yeah. And, like, it happens anyway. There's people who heckle all the time. I mean, the only difference now is that, you know, I have fucking mercenaries at the show that'll break your neck. Here's the deal. I don't.

So please just sit in silence. Sit in fucking silence, please. Yeah. No, it's like, because someone charges stage on me, I'm just going to take it like one of those high school beat-ins where you just curl up

and you just take Timberland boots to the head. Just... God. But there's nothing like bombing, dude. It is the fucking worst. It's the fucking worst. It is. That is the perfect...

I've never even thought about trying to find an analogy for it. Yeah. And like, I don't think there's a better one. Maybe the only other people who feel that are chickens when they see the fox. Yeah. Completely defenseless. I can't. I'm not fast enough to run.

I have nothing. You just take it. You just take it right on the chin. And then the funny thing is when you leave. I got this he's a such a funny comic sergio chicon he had one of the funniest bomb stories he goes i bombed so hard i left my jacket there you know you just want to get out that adds up yeah yeah you're like i gotta go he just got home and realized like in 12 degree weather that he left his jacket. He's like, I had to get out of there.

He didn't even realize he was cold. Yeah, he didn't realize he was cold. He got home, he was like, oh, I'm cold. I'm cold, yeah. You just walk home, though, just thinking about the bomb over in your head. You go like, should I be doing this? I probably shouldn't be doing this.

Yeah, I shouldn't be doing this. Yeah. You're trying to explain. And one time I bombed with somebody. I invited someone to a show, which was not the norm at the time. So he saw the bomb. And I was like, you know, the thing is, man.

I started like, what time is it? It's too fucking late right now. You're trying to explain it. He was like, yeah, no, it is late. They always go like, man, the crowd. They always go, and you know it wasn't the crowd and they know it wasn't the crowd

everyone's just trying to make it comfortable I think they were just not educated I don't really know and they're like yeah no it's good

you're good keep doing it man keep doing it yeah keep y'all keep doing it thing or the gloss over look when you're standing next to somebody

who did do well and they kind of give you that and they gloss over like you're not there like hey who did do well yeah and they kind of give you that and they gloss over like you're like you're not there like hey man you were really great and then they go oh you too man but you know the oh you too is just sort of a social yeah that's a good one yeah oh you too man you were good and you're like you didn't have to i i know what's going i know what happened yeah i know what happened i know i know what's going on. Or the show where people do well and you don't. Yeah.

And you're like, what's up with this crowd? Yeah. And they're like, they're pretty great. When you go up, Bob, you get off and you go, crowd's whack. And then the next guy just murders and you just sit there and you go like, my data was wrong. There's also the almost equally uncomfortable, not quite, but like uncomfortable feeling if you do well after someone says this crowd sucks and you have to be like, yeah, no, they're not good.

You're essentially trying to make it more comfortable for him. Yeah, yeah. No, they were kind of tough. I don't know what it was. I don't know what's going on. I think they warmed up. They just needed to warm up a little bit. I needed like fucking 15 seconds. Yeah.

And they're like, right. No, you set me up well. Yeah. Yeah. It's, you know, up well yeah it's you know my therapist it's funny it's my therapist is like you know what your problem is your problem is you care too much about what people think i'm like yeah yeah do you not see what i fucking do for a living of course what do you want me to stop caring about what people think then i'll just go out there and be one of those sociopaths who comes up and goes crowd's great and everyone's like you just yeah it's like i don't care what people think then i'll just go out there and be one of those sociopaths who comes up and goes crowd's great and everyone's like you just popped yeah it's like i don't care what people think i think we know who you're talking about my therapist told me not to care yeah now

i'm a full person it's like yeah now you're a horrible comedian yeah not caring about what people think will make me a horrible comic and i don't buy any of those fucking guys that say that shit either the ones who are like you know they just don't give a fuck it's like you know you do you do that you do this because you do yeah like there's no such thing as there's only like three comedians who i genuinely believe are so like are so like into what they're doing that they don't care how it goes, but they still are comedians, and their objective is to be funny, but they don't care like most of us do about how it goes.

Norm Macdonald was like that, where you're like, this guy is a wildly funny guy, but he really would dig his heels in on some insane bit. And if it bombed, I actually believe that he did not care. That he would just be like... I mean, the stories too about people told me in Canada that when he started, and he was getting a name for himself in Canada.

I mean, this was like 30 years ago. If he bombed, like bombed, he would go out in the lobby and make sure to shake everyone's hand that was leaving and if he killed he would stay in the green room i was like that is a fucking comedian that's great yeah like he was not about he was just like did you have fun at the show they were like you were horrible that was he was making it funny for him yeah yeah

another guy was like Patrice I don't think Patrice cares that's another guy I think sometimes it almost looked like he was doing it on purpose to dig himself a hole

to get out of it for his own enjoyment like a predator batting around like a lion batting around a prey he even said that he that famous line of his was that like he he was like i would rather them hate me

or love me but nothing like yeah between yeah i don't want them to be like he was all right yeah you know i kind of like him i kind of get that a little bit i do too that in between shit is the worst it is like funny yeah it's okay or uh the other one was like how was when someone goes hey just saw the show pretty funny yeah pretty funny you're like that's not what i'm going for man like pretty funny yeah i want to either you to like hate me so you because you the other otherwise you're just not remembered you're not and it's like you kind of go like am i saying anything am i doing anything because this person just walked out going like funny yeah you're like i mean that's that's to me that's the equivalent of going up to a girl and being like you're not bad looking you're not

hot yeah you're not ugly you're fine i'd fuck you yeah if there was no one else around maybe maybe maybe i might yeah is that a compliment yeah it's pretty funny it feels like quite a slight actually yeah it is it is i'd rather be hated i get what he's saying yeah i think i went a little too far earlier in my career with that yeah yeah i did you'd lean into pissing them off i would yeah would you go in there with like these were but these were worked out bits they were bits or, yeah, it just wasn't a good comic yet. So you were just, like, leaning into, like, I'm going to piss them off. Yeah, like, if it didn't get the reaction I wanted, I would, yeah, I would yell at them. Yeah. I would just yell at them.

But see, no, but, like, I think that makes a lot of, like, to me, that makes a lot of sense. Because what ultimately, like, you're saying, like, you weren't ready yet. But the truth is, you wanted to kill. Yeah. You you wanted to kill and you just hadn't developed it enough yet yes so like that reaction is actually like a very natural one it's like you're not gonna laugh hard well then fuck you yeah you know yeah i guess you know retrospectively yeah i guess that's exactly what was behind it was like yeah and also sometimes it would get me going like sometimes it would get me going like if i started screaming at them and then like it would get some click that you know that sort of discomfort or anger that gets your funny going yeah yeah well i feel a sense of

euphoria when i know i've really upset people you know like i I love that feeling. Like, if people are in an audience and I say something and they're like, you ruined our night, I'm like, you're the worst. I fucking love it so much. Yeah, yeah. I don't know what it is it's like yeah especially especially if it's if it's funny and it does that that's like the ultimate win yes is that if it's like undeniably funny it's laughing but people are like jesus christ oh that's that feeling is like it's almost like the most addictive part of this whole thing yes Yes, because you're like being a rascal. Yeah, you are.

It's you being a kid again. Yes. It's like getting in trouble in class. You're like, oh, now there's a principal again. So now there's stakes. Yeah, yeah. Now I want to see if I can beat you. Shouldn't be saying this.

This is going to piss you off. But I won because people are kind of laughing. Especially in this era, it's fun again because you see the millennials or the younger people. I know it's cliche to say millennials, but younger people have a different ethos now. They put every joke through this kind of computer of morality. So it's fun to watch them. They're like the new Catholic priests.

You tell a joke and you see them like... Did he say triad? I can't smile. And then they just start proverbially whippling themselves like a priest with his dick in his hand like and you're just sitting up there as a comedian like Gargamel or whatever

Mr. Burns it's so great now I mean it is a thing too where I was like you want to take people in that category and put them in a crowd of like the rest of society yeah and just being like this is this is out there too this is this is most people actually yeah i think you're in your bubble a little too much yes because if you get tied into like the academia bubble i mean that is like it's a false representation of the world it's for sure i mean

those people live in a community of contemplatives like away from the they're not even subject to the marketplace i know like professors like capital you're like dude you haven't had to worry about your job security yeah in 40 years yeah so it's like what a part of me is always going like why am i listening to you sure i mean you know you don't have as much wisdom as even a guy who's like selling hot dogs on the street right you're an intellect i get that but there's um this whole the a young person one of the like the young people sort of mantras of today is that nothing should ever be said that bothers me like you know like yeah that's like the agenda the agenda is well people are saying some certain things that bother me yeah and like i feel

like we should change the world yeah it's like that's not an agenda no like the world has has lots of things that'll bother you yes and words should be like almost the least of your work because there's like horrible things being done all the time and you're worried about somebody saying a word or a phrase that you think is outdated like that's what you're standing up for yeah and like and the fact that you think that your sensibilities should never be violated why yeah like that happens all this this is real life yeah even if we are saying something offensive or you're hurt by it in some way we're preparing you for what life's gonna do of course life cancer is gonna hurt your feelings a lot more yeah or when your friend gets it it's gonna you know or like you just haven't gone through anything yet exactly yeah you don't know yeah like that's why people who have gone through things and old like you ever wonder why

older people you go like this guy doesn't give a fuck look what he's wearing yeah and you're like yeah he really doesn't he does because's actually, he knows what life is. He knows it doesn't matter. Yeah. I had this old joke off my last special about growing up in New York, because I grew up in New York during the 80s and early 90s. It was a horrible time.

Yeah. And the joke was something like, you know, because back then you would turn a corner and it was just the normal thing to see like a group of 40 fucking kids. And if you grew up in New York, you know what back then you would turn a corner and it was just the normal thing to see like a group of 40 fucking kids and if you grew up in new york you know what i'm talking you turn the corner and you just you knew it you just you were like oh it was just a luck bad like there was just a group of kids and you had to walk through and like you were gonna get hit you were gonna get hit and my joke is like basically if I walk through those kids and all that happened was one of them called me a Greek faggot.

Yeah. That was like one of the best memories of my childhood. I was like, what a fucking good day. Yeah. Your mom's like, how was school today? It was great. It was fucking great, dude. I got called a Greek faggot.

That's it. I have my hat. I mean, I got my shoes stolen off my feet one time. Really? And I had to walk home in slush. Really? Yeah, that's what it was like. Were they good shoes?

They were Timbos. I loved them. I saved them. And my Christmas money out of my bus pass. They took that too. It was a really emasculating robbery where they walk with you and ask you what you have. They were shopping on me. These guys shopped on me. They took their time yeah like i worked yeah

what else you got how much is it like you think that's worth anything and i'm like yeah probably you should take that i just walked home in white socks and slush jesus christ you know what is the thing too about we were just talking about this why new yorkers we were saying how new yorkers are so funny and my theory was like we just talked like if you go like your average guy in new york you're like this guy's fucking so funny the hot dog guy the deli guy right and i i don't know if i'm right but i I was like, you know, the thing is, I feel like most of this country, like you're here, you're in L.A., you're isolated. So your personality, you share selectively, but you're in a car and then you arrive at a place. And the thing about New York is that you're just always around people.

It doesn't matter. If you're on the subway, you're next to a thousand people. You get off, you're walking the streets, there's a fucking million people. So you're just always with people and they're people from everywhere. So it's like this, it's like your personality gets to be on display and almost gets more developed that way.

Whereas like if you're in a lot of other cities, it's like you walk from your house to your driveway, you get in the car, you drive to the building, you talk to this person and that person, then you just sit down at your office like you're never really engaged with people unless you go i choose to be but in new york it's forced upon you i think yeah again fucking nailed it you pin the town the donkey that's exactly what it's you know you can tell the written boston too same thing yeah exactly quick abrasive we're always thinking they They're so funny.

They're so funny. Boston may be the funniest of the most comics. Great comics come out of Boston. And they have that manic. You can almost tell like they're scared. They're like, we grew up scared. Like, fuck you. Here's a joke.

Here's a joke. Fuck it off me. Don't hit me. Who are you? I don't know who you are. You a threat. Are you going to rape me? Oh God, there's priests.

There's fucking things everywhere. There's like things that can hurt you everywhere so you develop a quick wit and a it's a defense mechanism where you guys like

you know are also really funny the rest of the country but it's a different style it is a different style come into my world come here yeah

we're like we're a little invasive we're like yeah and you guys like hey man chill just you know you can you can do it this week you can be here and we're like yeah and you guys like hey man chill just you know you can

you can do it this you can be here and we're like no you gotta be here right right you're like no dude you can just yeah New York is like

you're okay it's like an attack a personality is like an attack it's like an attack you're like Jesus Christ is this what this guy's like all the time

he's like yes he wakes up like this yeah it's like an attack it can be a little much it can be a little too much it can be yeah i've learned that in traveling doing comedy you get to feel the um you get to feel sort of the uh the cultural uh energy of a place and it's like you're like whoa i'm the dick like i'm the dick yeah i am a dick right in new york it's just like i trust this guy

yeah this guy's telling it like it is yeah like no maybe i I am a dick. Right. In New York, it's just like, I trust this guy. Yeah. This guy's telling it like it is. Yeah. Like, no, maybe I'm being a dick. Yeah. Maybe I shouldn't have said that person's fat to their face. Yeah. You don't have to do that.

I'm just keeping it real here. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'm telling it like it is. I'm telling it like the fuck it is. I mean, look, she's a house. Yeah. You're like, dude, that's your aunt, and she's here.

Yeah. That's fucking, that is, yeah. Then you go to the place, you go to the Midwest, and like's here. Yeah, that's fucking, that is, yeah. Then you go to the place, you go to the Midwest and like, you know, oh, people can, you know, you don't have to do that. Right. But then you also learn, oh, yeah, they're passive aggressive. Sure. Very.

Very passive. And what you learn is that that thing that's always getting out when you're in New York and Boston, that like the thing, like it's never suppressed. It's suppressed there in the Midwest and it's that like the thing like that it's never suppressed it's suppressed there in the midwest and it's just below the surface yeah and this this formality stuff you're like they're so nice they're like they want to rip your fucking eyes out of your head and if you say the wrong thing it's gonna happen yeah like jeffrey dahmer if you saw him at a comedy show

he'd be the most well-behaved oh yeah just be sitting there haha and then he'd be like good one yeah good one and then he'd be like, good one. Yeah, good one. And then he'd go home and just nom-nom on a head. Nom-nom-nom. Note it is, too, Jews help. Yeah. Jews help. Being around Jews helps.

We're trying it here. Yeah, you got to have Jews. Like, Texas needs some Jews. Yeah. Without Jews,s make you improve things yeah because they're always finding problems sure so it's like i was always thinking if like if hitler got rid of the jews yeah germany would stop evolving at some point they'd be like everything's great nothing we don't need you're like no dude you need somebody to be like this

walls not in problems and this for you to go yeah we should address that yeah that is too low and this is too hot and yeah so having Jews makes you a complainer sure and that's why they're so good at comedy

yeah they're good at comedy always something wrong and a city with a lot of Jews it's a nice city it's a nice city yeah they complain and you need that

yeah true you need that to evolve that's true Beverly Hills fucking look how nice it is so many Jews then you go down to Florida

it's heaven down here only the beach communities the Jews don't go inland in Florida no they see Bert Reich and they go oh god Palm Beach you don't want to ride a crocodile

no take it easy puppy just kidding He's like, what, you don't want to ride a crocodile? They're like, no. Take it easy, puppy. Just get a treat. I'm like an animal. Just throw Bud Light limes at them. Go away. Go away.

That works. Yeah, it works. That works. Yeah. Yeah, they do help. They do. They do make things really great. That's why I think they just sometimes, I think they get a lot of unwarranted hate is because they're always seeking to be comfortable so they improve stuff they're good they're successful that is a really good looking to improve evolve right and you'd like a lot of

you know there's maybe a constant here is that a lot of shitty cities in the united states no jews i didn't say it yeah we're doing doing, I think what we're doing here is the opposite of anti-Semitism. I think we are. I think we're saying, hey, Topeka, Kansas, you want to flip things around? Yeah.

I mean, you got the wrong person. Open a couple temples, you know? I mean, dude, you go to Tel Aviv. Yeah. It is like my cousin married an Israeli, my first cousin, and I've been there many times. It is fucking lit.

I mean, Tel Aviv is one of the best cities. There's a reason why it's one of the most expensive cities in the world. It's because it's great. And they did that under constant fire and pressure. And it's like a diamond. You go to Tel Aviv, you're like, this is one of the best cities. It's like, yeah, there's a lot of Jews. They do it right, man.

They know what they're doing. I would leave your anti-Semitism at home if you're visiting Tel Aviv. Like, I eat really good pussy yeah and i do i didn't i was sorry it just took me i was like what it's what you call a paradigm shift in conversation what's your style like my style is i was brought up in the jewish girl school of jujitsu. Okay. Like a Gracie school. My style is like most of my girlfriends were Jewish and they have a very, like they can't feel a lot. You know, they're always thinking about other things that are bothering them.

So they're not in the moment. They're never in the moment. So you really have to get good. Okay. So in order for them to feel anything because they're thinking about the weather, the blinds would be down or whatever. You got to really nail it. Yeah. So after like tons of that i mean i was like ben wallace training in like a

fucking low budget i'm like fucking rocky chasing tickets you go up you go everywhere and then you focus on on the boat or what do you do i well i do i like to do a little uh flood city little hook and pull okay okay so you hook and pull okay at the same time I get in there and up. Yeah. And then with the clit, it's like, yeah, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta mix it up, dude. Yeah. Yeah. I go sideways. I do addition, subtraction, addition. Yeah.

This is good stuff. Yeah. But you gotta play them like an, you gotta play them like an instrument too. You gotta get the, like, you gotta read their body motions. Like when they, if they, you can tell they're getting a little bored, then you switch it up. It's like with a crowd. Yeah.

Yeah. It's like, Oh, you know, I, I better switch to crowd work cause they're not responding. Yeah. So I actually do.

I go, Hey, what do you do? Oh, it's your job. All right, great. I got him going.

Jokes again. Jokes again. That's a good, that's a good class. People got the wrong outlook on Jews man they're great they're great they fucking invented comedy

how great is that you know they control the weather it's usually good yeah interest rates interest rates are real they keep it moving

yeah wow yeah god Jew appreciation episode. They teach you how to eat box. Dude, there is no way. The control the weather one is funny because it's just kind of random.

Yeah. It's kind of a random one. And they control the weather. You're like, why would anyone do that? Yeah. Who wants that? Why would anyone go like, what's going on in Greenland today? Oh, boy.

Yeah, there's people. Yeah, we got to make sure. anyone go like, what's going on in Greenland today? Oh, boy. Yeah, there's people. Yeah, we got to make sure. You're like, what? What's the benefit of that one? It's such a bizarre thing to be, I don't know, racist about, too. It's very weird, yeah. Yeah, it rained today. Fucking Jews.

What? Who says that? God damn it. so fucking windy yeah they kind of get that i think a little bit of the hate is just because they're they do so well it's under under pressure do well and also um groups that are loyal to their own group yeah bothers because outsiders because they go i want that yeah i want someone to hook me up with a good doctor and the real estate person and then how come they're sharing this with each other yeah because that's like that's what loyalty and like keeping your group together is right it's like family greeks do it sure it's all it's a family and every group really does it yeah i mean the um

chinese and the koreans and in like los angeles probably New York too, they'll do things, because this is not illegal, they'll list apartments for rent only in the Chinese newspaper. So you have to read Mandarin to know that there's, they're not saying no one's allowed to rent this, but

Learn Chinese if you want. And you also better pick up the mandarin newspaper yeah like that's how you're gonna find that yeah they're they're crushing it right now yeah i went to my brother-in-law's graduation he's an egghead he's gonna be a doctor so he went one of the good schools he's a bio major and i tell you there is no diversity at that graduation i remember the non-asian names really i remember them congratulations sharifa and kelly constantino yeah because the rest of it just sounded like noises yeah it sounded like a hat comic from the 80s i mean it was just

sound like andrew dice clay was just doing his set i mean it was just asian and next we have his set i mean it was just asian and next we have portantan i mean it was i mean it was asian name after asian name after asian name i remember i did a show at carnegie mellon and uh i was bombing and i thought it was because i was bad and then i kind of really got a look at the crowd and i was like they don't speak english yeah they don't even know what i'm saying they were all indian and asian yeah and it was like they're not from here they're just they're just like killing it yeah and it's not because they're like inherently smart or whatever they just work harder yeah like you know they go home and their parents like i don't know make them sleep outside or if they get a beer or whatever they're doing something to motivate them. Well, they're also, they get that thing, I guess a lot of other cultures don't,

where they go, we came to this country, we sacrificed everything, you're gonna kill it in school. Yeah. And guess what? You're gonna be a doctor. Yes. You know?

And if you're gonna sleep outside. Yeah. Yeah. Like with the dog, you sleep outside or you get hit or something. I mean. They're doing something to motivate them. We had in my high school, a small high school.

And there was like, there were some really smart kids, but there was a couple. There were a couple that were, you know, like they, a van would come to the high school and take them to the community college because they didn't offer high enough level courses at our school. Wow. So they would take that and then bring them back you know so they would have to do it in like a two-hour period to go like take a college level calculus course because no teacher would teach that at our school come back yeah and these kids this

couple kids had like 4.2 GPAs and then they also were like classically trained piano players and also placed in states for like swim team and you're like what the like it's actually looking back on it that I go like this is unbelievable because I was just like you know can I jerk off during lunch yeah like that was my thought let's go get twinkies yeah and I'm like who thinks like that at like 15 yeah like you know we were just trying to figure out a place to smoke weed yeah during during the day and and these kids were doing stuff where i'm like i appreciate it more now that how driven they were yeah at that age i just can't even begin to wrap my head around it comfort corrupts a little bit right yeah it does like our all our parents and

grandparents were probably like that and then like i'm sure those kids when they have kids you know they're going to be like i want to be a poet yeah you know he's like i was playing violin or yeah i don't want to do an asian accent i want harry come on it's the only one you're not allowed to do yeah you can't do that you can't do indian right those two yeah you can't do those anymore you can't do that one but you can do all the other ones you can do all the other ones no problem so that's isn't that kind of a bizarre thing yeah yeah it is yeah yeah you can do all the accents you want to do yeah as long as this skin pigmentation is lighter yeah you can even do

like you and like you know they have a sense of humor about it but as soon as you go seven fucking hitlers are in the room you're like oh dude i'm just the guy sounds like that you can't i mean yeah better way yeah better why yeah i don't know i don't know why that is but it is the thing but yeah those kids eventually would just be like yelling at their parents like we are like yeah kids now yeah you understand dad yeah you understand and if you if you did that to an asian parent again i think you sleep outside yeah i think so too yeah they have a high standard for their kids i mean my sister or maybe it's just marching orders from their government to conquer us.

Maybe. Maybe this is all affiliated with the CCP. That's true. It could be. And they're getting funded and going, we're going to take them over from within. I mean, look, it's happening. It's happening. Why are we acting like it's, I mean, and the thing is that I think we're just too old now

to dive into Mandarin. It's just going to break our brains break. Yeah. You know? So brains break. Yeah. You know, so that sucks. Yeah. But if you're watching and you're like 21 sign up today. Yeah.

Cause that's going to be how you, how you get around in a few years. They're buying everything. Sorry, Allie. To apologize twice to you on this episode. She would totally be like, you can't do that. And I'd be like, why?

But you can go up there and be like, I'm a Greek. Yeah, of course. But I can't go, you squat down and eat out of a styrofoam container. I've seen it. I've seen it. I can't say you pick your nosefoam container. I've seen it. I've seen it. I can't say you pick your nose on a train. I've seen it. Seen it.

Many times. How about when you're in Hong Kong and you're in the malls, and even on the mainland too, and there's signs that's like- You just did something to me right there. What? That you weren't even aware of. What? You assumed that I have enough money to be in Hong Kong.

That's what happens when you get successful. You forget're like oh yeah i forgot you're not one of like you're here for help but when no no no no it's like you know it's when you're sitting in saudi arabian uh prince's house you know what i'm talking about actually uh no i don't you know a couple times here i visit my place in hong kong you gotta change you gotta be like you know when you're in like an applebee's you're in applebee's but it's in hong kong yeah you get the two for 20 meal but they have signs in malls on the in mainland and in hong kong that say like don't shit on the floor here and that is for uh the chinese like um you know farmer like the blue collar people who they live out you know but because the majority of china you know china's 1.2 3 billion people yeah most of those like the higher end of that is rural it really is you know

and it's hundreds of millions of people. So they live culturally completely differently than people in the big cities. So there are signs that are like, don't shit on the floor here. Because a lot of times out rurally, you just drop, trowel, and you just shit. Shit. Wow.

Yeah, so sometimes if they visit a big city, they'll be like, I got to shit. I'm just going to do it right here. They're like, not here. Don't shit here. Wow. Yeah. So, so sometimes when they come, if they visit a big city, they'll be like, I got to shit. I'm just going to do it right here. They're like, no, not here. Don't shit here. Wow. Yeah. That's incredible. Because they were, they were recently, yeah. They've recently kind of modernized. Yes. So. And it's funny too, because they'll tell you that like, you can tell new money in. If they just shit in a toilet.

No, if they, if they're just like, wow, is rich it's you need to get on my rug yeah this guy's really educated yeah they have uh it's no different than new money here though it's like you see and it's i don't know why it's funnier to see it like a little Chinese guy But like you see a little Chinese dude, and he's like wearing Gucci like Gucci silk shirt, and he's got the like the shoulder strap Fendi he's got these wraparound This guy this guy just found out he has like 40

And they're like, this guy just found out he has like $40 million. So wait, are the no shit on the street signs the equivalent of our like no hat, no sneakers signs? You got to do money? You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah, I think so. I think so. I was like, you got it.

It's a little more extreme. Here, like here you see somebody. I guess the other thing is that there you might see that and be like, this guy just from the fucking sticks. Yeah. You know? Look at this redneck taking a shit. But like here if you see someone drop their pants and shit. You got to give them medication.

You're like, call 911 and somebody is really into their heroin. Like you just know. It's not just somebody who's like, I didn't know you do that. Yeah. I'm sorry, I'm from the farm. Yeah, I'm a farmer. What the fuck? Oh, man, that's interesting.

Yeah. Yeah, that happens. They got to get some bathrooms out to those people. I think so. They got enough money, but they're spending it all on taking over our country. Yeah. They own more real estate here. They pay cash. Yeah. They yeah they pay cash yeah and it's funny because people you know people

will be very national everyone's like that's why we're so easy to conquer because we don't have any thing that unifies us yeah that's why i think we were talking before about how like um other countries they're a little more like unified It's not just fame that they're after. It's because they have an identity. They're all Norwegian. They get drunk and sing Norwegian songs. That only happens here during the Olympics. Not even anymore.

Did you notice that the Olympics used to be something that we would all celebrate? I feel like now they come and go and you're like, it used to be a thing where the country would be like... I feel like now they come and go and you're like, oh, like it used to be a thing where like the country would be like, I feel like the coverage, everybody was watching it and we were just so unified in that.

Absolutely. Even if it's just for those whatever, three weeks or something. I remember, yeah, I know exactly what you're saying. And now I remember that like the Olympics, I'm like, who watches the Olympics? Yeah, I think it speaks to how divided we are too. Like we're just like all separated and stuff but yeah when i would go to scandinavia

they would get drunk and they would sing us like a nationalist song that they all knew and they were like young people and it was like cool and hip and sing these stupid songs and i was like we don't get it together and get drunk and sing born in the usa do you think part of that though because i've always wondered about this is that when you're basically at the top of the food chain power wise like you know america is the most powerful nation uh that has the most money the biggest military that it's almost like it's it's like um it's like being the best looking having the biggest dick and being like look at it and everyone's like yeah we know like everybody knows yeah i think you're right so you're like we already looked at you no look again these four-inch guys have songs yeah you know it's

like it's fun yeah but like we we it's almost like people are embarrassed to be pro-american right but if you're can or Mexican or Irish or whatever, you're from Norway, you just are like, I love my country. Everyone there is like, yeah. But here, people are like, calm down. It's weird, too, because this is the only country, we're the only country where it almost feels like

if you have an American flag, there's another group that might call you racist. It's wild, yeah. It's weird. That's the national flag. Like, what's going on with that guy? But he loves his country, just like the Norwegians. Sure.

No, he doesn't. He hates people. Right. You're like, I don't know. Maybe he just has a kid in the military. Sure. So a lot of times the flags are just because, like, you definitely know you're in a Republican neighborhood

when you see a lot of flags. Yeah, that's not a Democratic thing. It's like it's... Democratic thing is more like anarchy signs or they have different they have different flags it's like if you're super liberal you see your own country's flag as offensive yeah which is weird it's weird it is strange it is very strange they don't have flags yeah but i mean i i would stop and think like that is a strange assessment to make. Yeah.

You know? I have a conspiracy theory about it. I really do. I think there's a lot more subterfuge and like intelligence going on in universities dating back to like the Cold War that we're just kind of unaware of. And I think in a lot of ways sometimes the professors are even unaware of it because it comes from like, oh, we did this research and, you know, this is what your system does. Somebody is. Yeah, it's like you have people acting on the behalf of adversarial nations, adversarial systems to kind of sow chaos.

And I think it happens at the college level. And I think it dates back to the Cold War. Why wouldn't it? We did it. You know, information war, propaganda. It's a big part of it. We do it to other countries. Hey, man, look at McDonald's.

You know, we do it. So I'm sure they do it to us as well. Yeah. And sneak your ways. That's how you beat the giant with your brain. You don't beat the giant with force. You can't beat us with force. So the only way you can beat us is by getting in and sowing discord and rotting us with from within and we're

the laziest people oh just offer because of fucking food and we'll do it because of comfort like when you're when your country does really well not to say that there aren't obviously people struggling here or that there's isn't poverty here but as a whole, your country has it together, so to speak. You just, like you ask most Americans about anything internationally and they're like, I don't know and I don't really care. But you travel and you ask other people and they're pretty well versed.

People know what's going on in the world because once you're comfortable, you don't care. You're spoiled. Yeah, you're spoiled. Take it all for granted. We're in a unique position as comedians to be ambassadors for the fact that, like, everyone's just people, man. Like, they're not the demons you think. Like, you talk to people on the coast, and they're like, oh, those people, those Bible Belt.

You're like, dude, they're just good people. Yeah. If you lived there, you'd be walking around like that, too. Yeah. You know? It's like, oh. I mean, other than Tunica, Mississippi, they're just like you good people yeah if you live there you'd be walking around like that too yeah you know it's like i mean other than tunica mississippi it's just they're just people yeah it's a few places where you're like get me the fuck out of here yeah yeah but it's like they have they don't have they nobody puts themselves in somebody else's shoes anymore right like that's how you get wisdom is by empathetically going what would it like to be that you know you go on the coast and you're like yeah no guns ban the guns you're like dude i guarantee you if you move to the country yeah the first thing you want to get it we're gonna want to get is a gun there's fucking bears out

there there's coyotes you got chickens or whatever and if someone breaks in your house like right no no it takes 20 minutes for the state cops to get there no guns where you live yeah where you live right yeah because it's like everyone pulled out the fucking if you were on the train in the morning in new york city and someone pushed another person and everyone pulled out it would fucking end like a quentin tarantino movie yeah yeah yeah you can't you can't but yeah if you live out in the country yeah you want one first thing i did was buy a gun one out there really yeah first thing i did i got a rifle and it's like you feel the need for it. It's like you go, oh, yeah, I got to have one of those things. I have a family. I got a dog.

Yeah. Because I live out in the country. So there's like bears. There's, you know, there's predators out there. And you also like you show it to your wife every now and then. Let her know. Yeah. I'm the one who knows how to use this thing.

Don't be stupid. Yeah. Yeah. Why don't we take it down to a five? Yeah. You're at a 10? Yeah. And then you just hold it.

You just hold it. Yeah. Yeah, these magazines refill. Yeah, they refill. Yeah. Yeah, I intentionally keep her in the dark on how to use it. Of course. Yeah, she's like, how do you use this thing?

Yeah, well, you put the barrel in your mouth. You're holding it right. You got it. And then... There you go. Stick your tongue in there. Are you sure I'm supposed to hold it like this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how it works.

It shoots out the other side. You get the strength from your teeth. Bite hard. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Keeps. Bite hard. Yeah. Keeps her in check. Yeah. She needs it.

Yeah, we got to get the balance of power back somehow, you know? Yeah. He's broads, man. Yeah. Well, you got sons. I got a daughter now. So I'm kind of like, I'm into me too a little bit. Yeah.

I want my daughter to know it's her power. She can use it whenever she wants. Sure. You know what I mean yeah yeah and also you go with boys you're just like christina's like how do we not make them rapists like that and i'm like well i remember the talk my dad gave me uh yeah what they just they're not yeah yeah yeah yeah you just try to raise gotta like

hug them a few times yeah yeah sweet they're lovely yeah yeah stop you know don't neglect them put food on the table and they don't leave them in the car in the summer yeah you go shopping it'll be fine she's like are we not giving them enough eggs in the morning like what we we gotta get the not turn them into not rapist parroting guide yeah i'm like i don't think it takes much i agree with you on that one yeah i know i don't mean to contribute to mansplain but i think no no i think you you kids will not be rapists yeah i think... Cut to this being a part of a documentary. Tom Segura's kids, the brother rapists, tore up Texas.

This would just be part of the documentary. Then they used the still of me. Tom Segura sits with unknown comedian. I don't know who it is. We gave him cereal and shit, but my wife she was right we weren't doing something

we weren't doing something right I watched porn with him I don't know I did everything I could I tried to stop it yeah Jesus Christ the kids are like

it's not his fault how old is your daughter? she's a year and a half oh that's a cute that's super cute yeah it's a it's a

it's a fun age it's I can't believe i waited so long to have them how old are your kids uh six and the three-year-old before next month six will be seven in december so six and three currently yeah nice that was a real parent i know i don't know i was just no i i know what you did there yeah when parents talk we stretch out the convo about our kids a little bit yeah because you could have just said six, but you told me exactly. Like, in a month, she'll be.

And when you're talking to parents, I'll go, oh, mine's a year and a half. What was she like at that point? Yeah, yeah. We start talking about all that shit that people make fun of us, but that's really the good stuff. That is the good stuff. Yeah, because it's funny. I already, you know, I can still, like, picture the year and a half time.

It's like now it's past, you know, I can still like picture the year and a half time. It's like now it's past, you know? Cause that shit really does go special. Like, and also, especially cause I'm touring so much. Yeah. Like some of these trips,

I come home and I'm like, the fuck? Like you, you're way taller. Like they just, they really do change quickly. And like all of a sudden, you know,

cause language is probably just starting for you. Right. Like it's like, she's starting to talk and then it'll be like, yeah, it's going to fuck it. I couldn't deal with that dude. I got a special needs brother too.

Like if that happened again, I'd be like, really? Yeah. I might just leave, you know, let's go look at the coyotes. This is where,

whoops. I didn't know you're supposed to take them in there. Long Days is every Saturday on YouTube. And Mom Love is Giannis Papa's new special. You can see it on YouTube. It's a good promo. It's a great promo, yeah. Oh, my God.

Yeah, yeah. No, it's funny because you'll see that she'll start saying some things and it's gonna be the cutest and like you know her language will be a certain level for a while and then you'll just like especially if you're if you are touring you'll get home from a trip and you'll hear like some complete sentence where you'll be like what the fuck and it's just like it just happens yeah it's all sudden yeah oh it has already oh yeah it's happening to me already going away facetime at least now there's facetime yeah so every day i get to see her which is good but yeah

the the new word and sentence thing i'm missing and i always wonder like you know like our kids will they be mad at us like you weren't there dad there, Dad. But then you'll be able to be like, yeah, but here's a boat. Your son's going to be like, we forgive you. You're like, you didn't rape anybody, did you? And they're like, we didn't. He's like, here's another boat. And your wife's like,

yes, I didn't rape. You didn't rape. Then they just hold that over your head. You want me to rape? You want me to rape? You're like, okay, here's another boat. No more raping. No more raping.

Yeah, you just got to keep giving these kids wait what about in college i'm like in college you can a little bit you can try it out but uh jesus christ we went off the rails a little bit yeah that was good it was fun we're joking it was all jokes we don't advocate any of that stuff i don't let us be the time of the show now where we let you know these were said in jest. This is jest.

Yeah. We are professional jesters. They should have a warning now like Jackass has. Do not take anything seriously. Because that's what you have to do for this fucking stupid nation. Yeah, you do.

Of people who are like fucking morons. Yeah. The only thing that like I really said that I meant is like how gross like the fat models are and uh that i wasn't joking at bert's liver damage yeah yeah that's it yeah that's stuff i mean um but whatever yeah the rest of it totally joking did you Did you see that Jordan Peterson thing?

We were talking about the, not him, we were talking about the SI cover. She's hot, though. She's pretty face. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you know, she'll go to the fucking barbecue with you. She won't just eat salad is what you're saying. She's going to be like, you try the brisket.

I got it. Yeah, like the face is gorgeous i agree yeah anyway he what did he said he was quitting well yeah he was he's called her he goes like not pretty he goes no she's not she's not pretty and you know no amount of authoritative coercion will tell me and then like even his own fans were like Jordan I usually Dr. Peterson

I cleaned my room and did all that stuff but I disagree on this one I'll fuck her basically he got really dragged and so he was like I'm leaving Twitter

but then he didn't this is what I have to say to the professors did they have to put her in this suit though you mean you could have found a better one yeah

for that body type I mean yeah I mean she looks good to me I mean I would I just feel like if you're if you're built like

there are different body types and there's certain things that are flattering to certain body types right know your area I just feel like they could have given her a suit that is would have like flattered her figure more yeah whatever it's also

it's fine so he said so you're saying you should look better just completely covered up and like you want to see your liquor like you're like you know if they would have just given her one of those what are those girls in afghanistan where yeah yeah she's hot yeah her face is stunning yeah she's beautiful yeah her name is yumi yeah i don't know who she is yeah you mean new you mean new but i had no idea who she was until this surprise she's not a doctor with that name yeah you mean you i'm sure her parents are disappointed this is like pornography for them oh yeah they can't why are you whore on magazine yeah so wait peterson said he was leaving social media he seems leaving just because he was like he was getting dropped okay he was getting like uh pylon it was like a pylon where people were like reap tweeting him and hateful stuff and uh part

he was like i'm just leaving it's a hateful place twitter and then you just want to go hey you wanted to get in this arena man yeah like you're not leaving yeah you first of all you're not leaving second of all like you want to make content on the internet? Yeah. Well, this is what it's like, buddy. It's not always roses. It's not always like, thank you, Dr. Peterson, for telling me to get my life together. Once in a while, it's like, fuck you, Whitey. So you got to be able to deal with those too. You really do. You have to be able to deal with it. And that's actually the argument I made about fat models, is that we have to be able to deal with the fact that we can share a thought

an opinion a joke and people can be like you suck not funny shut up you gotta take it and if you're a model you this whole idea is that no one should criticize uh talk about people's bodies i'm like that's the gig though your gig is the body your gig is beauty so if you sign up to have your picture taken you should be able to tolerate a little bit of stuff that's not praise this whole idea that everyone has to go like you and everyone is beautiful and we're all like no that's not really true it's another like you know extension of this current academia world of like we're all everything's flowers all the time it's like no you can say she's built like the fucking long snapper for the jets and she'll fall back yeah and like that should be allowed because you put your fucking body out there right and you know what and so

and the fun the idea too is like some people go like what about you and your body look you can criticize mine totally but also i didn't sign up for the body thing. I signed up for the talky thing. So, you know, if you wanna, I'm fair game. People have shit on me in every way and like I'm used to it now. But like this whole thing where every model should be celebrated, it's nonsense.

It's nonsense. What you just said is just like beyond reproach. It's just like, that's exactly correct. I mean, that's like, there's no argument. You're going like, yeah, you're right. We're allowed to. Yeah. You're allowed to. Not to plug the special, but it's true.

My last joke, mom love, that's what it's about. It's saying like this country, we're out of balance. Like there's too much mom love. Yeah. Meaning too much empathy. Oh, you're the greatest. You can be anything you want. Yeah.

And the joke's all about like, you need a dad to be like, this is who you are. Your brother's the smart one yeah okay i don't want you going out there hilarious thinking you can be anything because you're gonna end up with a heroin problem because your mom set your standards too high your mom's downstairs yeah let me talk to you let me tell you the truth let me tell you the truth that is so you're not good at math yeah you'll never be a model you're not an athlete yeah you know but look You know. But look at your hands. Yeah, look at your hands. You got good hands.

They're rough. Yeah. Just guys love conditionally. Traditionally, we live conditionally. Yeah. You do better, we love you more. That type of- Nobody loves their kid who doesn't do well in the game.

No, no, no. Yeah, you're like, he could have done better. Mom's like, you were great. Yeah. Which is why- It doesn't matter if you scored or not. Your dad's like, it does matter, you why it doesn't matter if you scored or not your dad's like it does matter you fucking loser it does matter yeah and it's why you don't believe um you know like you you're you look you look so handsome like from your mom you're like i don't

you it doesn't register right i know what this is right you look no i want to it's object it's got to be like somebody who's like oh this person says person says I look good in this? Okay. I trust it. Not my fucking mom. Yeah. You need to see your dad's reaction because your mom will be like, shouldn't he model? Your dad will go, bah! They'll start laughing. You're like, it's not true.

Yeah. My dad's reaction is telling me it's not true. Yeah. We need that dad love in there, that kind of masculine, tough, real, because that's the way the world's going to love you. Right. The world's like that. Stop giving these people illusions. The world will love you because you earned it yes and moms will love you

just by who you are no matter what yeah you know yeah it's very true we're out of balance that's what's happening that that's what the that's why i named the special that because i feel like that's the underneath the problem we're having now is essentially that you can make a case that the real message is you don't need a mother you just don't need ladies they're talking too much dads are more important yeah i mean come on are we how much are we supposed to pretend like the wmba matters it doesn't i saw that parade it just looked like people were going to work I mean, if a WNBA team wins a title, does it really make a sound? Well, I love when they show highlights from a WNBA game, and you're like, is this a clinic on passing?

Is this like an instructional video of this is how the game is to be played? This is how you play the game if you have no athletic talent i love women's sports they're doing great but there is a difference yeah there's just it's always will be yeah it's called excitement that's the that's the difference a little more power a little more speed a little more uh yeah excitement yeah yeah yeah you like exciting things yeah turn on men's sports you like seeing you like seeing things at the highest level these are all jokes we were joking the whole time joking these are all jokes don't take it women can be funny too if they're gay yeah gay women super fat women yeah ugly women the more

like men they are the closer they can get to being funny yeah yeah women missing a limb hilarious hilarious alright we're gonna wrap it up Giannis thank you

very much for coming this was a lot of fun dude thank you for having me appreciate it Long Days is Saturday's Giannis' weekly podcast

and the new special you can watch it on YouTube right now it's called Mom Love just type it in the search engine and watch it and tell your friends and share it with your friends. See ya. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.

No scripts, a bit of booze, amateur fratology. Dirty jokes, raunchy humor, no apologies. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.