2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 141 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Ryan Sickler

Episode Date: July 11, 2022

It's 2 Bears 1 Cave with a sick Tom Segura and guest bear Ryan Sickler! The bears talk about Michelin Star restaurants, Tom's mom's gifts, and Brad Pitt. They talk about how sick they get on the road, people who dip chewing tobacco, the 30 For 30 doc on Street Basketball, and Bill Clinton.  https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://www.bertbertbert.com/bertyboytourhttps://store.ymhstudios.com/

I did Conan a few times and one time Andy Richter sat next to me and he looks down he goes, are you wearing Gucci shoes? And I go, yeah, he goes, you know you still look like you run a bowling out. 100%. We're back. And your dream continues. Bird is not here. and your dream continues. Bird is not here. The competitive that has always, his continued competition for the best laugh and comedy is here.

It's Ryan Sikler. Ryan, thanks for coming. Thanks for having me back. Thank you guys. The last two times we've done weeks together, I've gotten sick afterwards. I don't know if it's all the making out or what. It might be, I got sick after Chicago. Yeah, I got super sick after that. Real sick, never got sick. I feel like fucking shit right now.

Well, you look great. Thanks, man. And by the way, it's the first time I've been here, this is fucking unbelievable. Thanks, man, thanks a lot. I wanted to put my own personal little stamp on this since I'm sitting in for Berk Khrasher. You didn't tell him though that you pissed

on the one that was up there? No, no. It's in the ear. He'll find out. He'll find out. Now we just, you and I just got done with a run that was, where do we start? I don't remember.

Charleston, West Virginia. Charleston, West Virginia. And then Cincinnati. This tour has taken me to places I never thought I would go. Listen, I don't know how you do it. I, for real, I thought we were going to Charleston, West Virginia. I was telling people the wrong fucking city. I didn't know there was a Charleston and a Charleston.

Yeah. Because Charleston's where you go when you're from Maryland, it's the horse tracks and all that shit there. And the first time I went, whenever I see Charleston, I always think of South Carolina, because that's exactly. Yeah. But they were cool.

They were great crowd. Yeah, great for all. Charleston was great since the night. He's my first time there as a beautiful city. I get why so many people want to live there, maybe not in the winter, but everywhere, all the other time. It was a good time.

Great time. And we bought hats. The hat comic is back, y'all. of hats a lot of hats. I think I went overboard a lot of hats. Yeah, you guys all bought hats Yeah, and then We don't do in our show Saturday and fucking Joe cool man Joe Joe burrow the NFL's the most promising young quarterback Super Bowl quarterback so went to the Super Bowl won the high's been a couple years ago this kid So it's looking nice. He's the enemy in my Ravens

I told him he's the only quarterback that's ever made me leave a game in the third fucking quarter He whooped our ass. I mean, that's the one I went to. I went to Baltimore to see that game. And he kicked like Lamar left in the third quarter. Yeah, you know, he left. We were like, we're getting the fuck out of it. Quiet walk to the bars and shit. The whole city's quiet. All these people out in the streets. Yeah, he kicked our ass. He was great though. He was. He could have nice shit. Cool. Came to the came to our hands. He was great though. He was good at nice shit. Cool. Came to the came to our show. He's hanging out pre show. And then afterwards he comes back stage. And he's like, you guys want to come over? I was like, what?

He goes, you guys want to come over? I'm like, to your house? He's like, yeah, I go, sure. I go, who's it? Okay, to bring. He's like, whoever you want. I was like, yeah, I go, sure, I go, who's it okay to bring? He's like, whoever you want. And I was like, okay. And then he goes, you're way more muscular than I thought. Let's say he said to me, I was like, I go, yeah. So everybody says, and then look at everybody.

And then, yeah, look, that hides, that's in his house. That's one of the many things in his house. Yeah, yeah. That's in his house with all his rings. He's got the Johnny and Nidus golden arm one trophy with or where he's got everything, but he loved the Nickelodeon slime back there. Yeah, he's a Nick kid.

But the funny thing is like, he's like, go ahead, like he opens the cabinet, pick up the Heisman. I picked this thing up and I'm like, this is the heaviest fucking thing I've ever picked up. I go, how much is this? He goes 30 pounds and I go, it's not 30 pounds. And he goes, it is. I go, it's not, you know why I know it's not?

We were in the gym today. And I picked up some 30 pound dumbbells. This is not 30 pounds. And he goes, no, it is. So I googled it, it's 45 pounds. Like, that's a good sign that you're a young athlete and you think shit is way less than it is. You know, my old ass is like, oh, this is heavy.

That thing's incredible. It's ridiculous. Like, it's so funny. Like, that, this is heavy. But that thing's incredible. It's ridiculous. Like, it's so funny. Like, that's in his house. I used to have, I had a little soccer one this big, you know what I mean? I threw my shit away. You see something like that?

I'm like, get rid of these vodges. He's got national championship ring. Like, yeah, it's pretty rad, Ben. But could not have been a nicer kid. And we hung out with Brandon Allen too. So I also a quarterback for the Bengals. We ate his chef's food. We were like, we haven't had dinner yet.

He's like, my chef had stuff over there. You guys can have that. We hung out my chef, Rook. Great, Cheyah. And then he was like, great, Pia. We whipped up some shit. It was awesome. And now it was Columbus.

Yeah, we went to Columbus. That's when I was already starting to break down. I could feel it, but those shows were lit, man. Awesome. Yeah. Every show you've taken. Chicago was insane. We did the arena together.

Yeah, the same. We did the arena. And the first time I ever done an arena, of course. First time I ever done stand up in a suit also, which felt better than I thought it would. And you murdered. Thanks, man. You murdered. That was fun. And then we went to Elinia. Yeah. For one of the craziest dinners I thought it would. And you murdered. Thanks man. You murdered.

That was fun. Yeah, and then we went to Elinia. Yeah. For the one of the craziest dinners I've ever had. Ever, and I sat next to your mom, and I got to say something. You're my mom's favorite comedian. Now, outside of you for your mom,

because that's normal. I got to think I might have swayed the pendulum a little bit. I might be your mom's favorite comedian outside of you right now. Here's the thing. I don't I might be your mom's favorite comedian outside of you right now. Here's the thing. I don't think I'm my mom's favorite comedian. I think I might have fucking her births rolls with you. Charo said that to me.

You killed us all night long. My dad was a hardcore fan. That era is over. So your mom, she literally came back He's got a few errors over. So you're a mom. She literally came back from that show because she came sad. We did that back to back nights and she came back and she goes,

you're a piece of shit. To me, I'm not going to go what? She goes, you say, I do these things and to have sex with me. Because I, that's all the audience trying to have sex with her. She was your piece of shit. I ran into her at the bar in the hotel.

We were talking for a little while and she said, I said, she started telling me how she gets recognized now because of the fart video. But she's like like I'm in the hoodie. I'm gambling people come up behind me to like are you chattel? And she's like look at me and they want to take pictures with her So they take pictures with her now because of this fart video. So she told me that You buying her some carry on luggage basically was bullshit. That's what her words. And she told me that if I agreed that I had to get on stage that night and tell the whole entire audience that what you gave her was bullshit and she deserved more.

And she said to me, I face, she said, be a man. That's what she said. She said be a man. And I said, all right. So I told you and you're like, yes, you had to run it by you. Like you could say that. So I got up and your mom did not think I was going to say it. And when I said there's a very special guest here, she said, I thought you were going to say, Christina. And I was like, no. And I called her out and I said, look, Tom's mom basically said that some carry on luggage

is bullshit and she told me to not be a bitch and I ain't no bitch. So if you think Charo deserves more, let her hear it and they erupted. And 9,000 people. Oh, they erupted. Yeah. And then we're at dinner and she did not like anything.

Well, we should, we should, we should kind of set this up. Yeah. So I I've I've tried to I try to relay this to I mean, this might sound like far fetches on people, but I actually relay this to getting injured in that I I never was like a celebratory person. And one of the things that I've done since I got I feel like injured and recovered and everything, is I'm just like, I'm more celebratory. I do things that I find exciting and stuff. And so when I had a birthday coming up,

it's out of character for me to throw a birthday bash. But I talk to my tour manager Dave, he's like, you're gonna be, and I go, let's do something cool. Let's try to find an amazing place, and I go, let's do something cool. Let's try to find an amazing place and I'll invite family and friends and let's do something like, because I thought that would be fun.

And I feel like I something I wouldn't have done before. So I do, I invite both of my sisters, my mom, friends that are not comediant. Like, charlotte, yeah, came on, come on out, pay for everybody to stay in a really nice hotel. I'm at Carlos Santana. Carlos Santana.

No, here's the thing, man. I don't know how many of you follow the Michelin star rating system, but restaurants fight, like the passionate chefs, toothed their entire careers to get a one-star Michelin rating. And a one-star means, this is in like the Michelin guidebook, the way that it started was, one-star means

it's worth stopping at if it's on your path. On your path. It's on your path, it's worth stopping at if it's on your path. On your path. It's on your path, it's worth stopping at. Two stars means that it's worth a detour. So go out of your way to get there. And three stars means it is a journey worth taking in and of itself to eat at this establishment. Three star Michelin, Michelin star restaurants are

the crem- these are like the places you make a reservation six months in advance. You know, there's maybe like, I don't know, eight, ten in the world or something. Like, it's very, very- Is that the top three? Three's the, that's the max. So like, the most famous restaurants, El Bouly and all these are three star Michelin restaurants. How many three stars? There are 135 in the world. Okay. How many is USA? 14 is 14 in our country.

Um, and then Spain has 11. So, but the point is, I mean, 14 in the United States, it's not that many, you know, that means there's probably four, five in New York, couple in San Francisco, you know. So we're in Chicago, we're, where they actually have one of maybe one or two in Chicago. where in Chicago, where they actually have one of maybe one or two in Chicago. This chef grant a shot. I always fuck up his last name, a shots.

So he used to, that's his name. How do you say that? A shots? A shots? That's not my shirt. Fascinating story with this guy because he got cancer and lost his sense of taste. Could you imagine getting the cancer and you come back and you're like, I lost my sense of humor. Yeah, could you imagine? Yeah, I can't just go up there and you're like, you're a chef that lost his taste tire

Pressure's really low in my car Who knows how to check it Oh man like So I don't know if it's 33 psi or 36 33 PSI, 36. But he- He- Hour of that. Yeah, he eventually got his taste back, right?

I mean, of all the cancers too, a chef with tongue cancer. I mean, that's, so anyway, incredible guy. He used to work for Thomas Keller, I'm sure I knew it. Thomas Keller is probably America's most famous, like high level gastro molecular chef, I know Thomas Keller is probably America's most famous like high level gastro molecular chef, you know, the French laundry and I think Perseille in New York this guy is like the most celebrated American chef, right?

So Grant worked for him at the French laundry and then he opened this place. This place is like, you know, it's like one of those things it's hard to get into. So Dave comes at me and he's like, Hey, your show, we're only doing one show, but we're doing an arena, starts at eight, but that means he's gonna start at like eight 20. You got Kirk, Ryan, you and then it's about getting out of a place that's 9,000 people in it.

So we're not gonna be able to get there until like 10.30 He's like, so the restaurant said they'll They'll throw like a thing for you, but it's gonna cost you a lot And I kind of thought about it. And then I was just like, so it was extra because they stayed open. It stayed open.

We're arriving super late. And then they gave us our own, like room, a saloon or something. And then they also put on like, it wasn't just like, here's something to eat. It was an experience, you know? So it was so fun to be able to do that, like with you and like with friends.

All this is to say that I'm glad I spent the money. I'm glad I had that lifetime experience of having a meal like that with people that I'm close to. And then the funny thing is going into this, you know, like my dad used to always say, goes, your mother's a cheap date. And I go, I mean, like she's not even worth taking to like, forget a Michelin star restaurant.

She's not worth taking to like a fucking steakhouse. Because she'll just be like, do you have chicken fingers? Yes, that's what she said. And they're like, she goes, I like Chick-fil-A McDonalds. Yeah, and rice and fries. She's carbs, she weighs 103 pounds.

She weighs nothing. Yeah. So we go, and I'm like, you gotta, I go, I'm prepping her. I'm like, this is a world class experience you're gonna be in. She's like, oh, man, right away when they put out one of the first things.

The first thing. Yeah, I just look down and I go, she's not gonna like this. It's like halibut eggs and shit. It was. It was a lot of fish eggs in the beginning. Yeah, she said. She goes, what does dessert? Fish eggs with sugar on it.

She was over fish eggs. So she keeps eating. She'll take a bite of hers and she'll go, and then she'll slide it over to me. I've already finished my plate. So she'll take my plate, the empty one, and put it in front of her, and make it look like I'm not eating my food.

You know what I mean? And I was eating double portions for half of this shit until I got started to get sick. I was like, I can't keep this pace up. I don't know how many more of these, you know, and then he took us downstairs. They put the jungle music on. Remember you told her, that's you mom, that's you.

She was, ooh, ooh, she kept touching. Oh, that's me, that's me. And she finally looks at me after she slides. She was killing me all night. She slides the empty plate front of me and she goes, I mean, she takes my empty plate and she goes, Delish you could do is finish it. My son is paying a lot of money for this.

Every time the waiter came by, taking my full plate, making me look like a fucking asshole. Like I wasn't touching it. Like I took what, like I licked it, and I just said it back that I was like that. It's your second plate. And then she would do things like this because we used to always, we used to always yell at her because you'd go to, let's say, a regular restaurant, right? They had like crab. Let's say it's a crab cake appetizer. So she'd go, what's that?

And you go, it's crab, but she'd go, ah. And everyone's like, hey, what do you, like, don't do that to people eating. And she's like, hey, what are you like? Don't do that to people eating. And she's like, what? My guess rude. Like someone's eating something. And you don't like it. And you're going, ugh.

And she's like, okay, I'm sorry. And then she would go, how is the crab? You're like, don't do that either. And then we would tell her to be polite. So you go, do you want to buy the crap? She goes, no, it looks delicious, but I am good. Thank you. She just, you know, she, her palate is like a toddler.

Yeah. Like, you know, little kids, you're like, you want, what are you with that fries, mac and cheese? Like, that's what she wants to eat. Oh, I have a good palate, but I don't feel comfortable in places like that. You want, what are you with that fries, mac and cheese? Like that's what she wants to eat all the time. I have a good palate, but I don't feel comfortable in places like that. Well, that was, but I just don't feel like I belong

in places like that. I don't even know. When I hear Michelin, I think tires, you know what I mean? I don't fuck it. That is the Michelin. How the hell are they doing tires and restaurants? Because it was, it was the idea was, it's the Michelin tires saying where to stop.

Ah, yeah. Yeah. But it had nobody a good year hadn't picked up on it. Yeah. It evolved into like its own thing. Yeah. Is that right? See what I'm saying?

I'm so dumb I don't even know that. Yeah, it's just. So saying you're driving on our Michelin tires, hey, this one's good if it's upset. I'm so dumb, I don't even know that. Yeah, it's just. So saying you're driving on our Michelin tires, hey, this one's good if it's on your way. This one's worth going out of your way. And fuck it, this one's worth parking a car and flying. Yeah, yeah, basically, yeah. And it just took, I mean, it didn't have the impact

at like when it started that it does now. Meaning now that like a restaurant gets one star now and that they're just, they're like, we're, this is like winning an Oscar to them, to the ship. Just one. Yes. Is it? Yes. So three is stupid.

Three is out of this world. I mean, it really is. I mean, there's 14 in the United States. Yeah, that's great. I mean, think about like how many great restaurants are United States? It's crazy that you could have, they're telling people, you should fly

to the United States to eat here, you know? That's what they're telling you. And you have to do shit like that experience was crazy. Yeah, we went downstairs and then it was like a table just like this and it's all there's smoke machine in the fucking room and shit and there's crazy sounds are going on and lights and they're like painting the table like like this avant-garde ship with chocolate syrup and Jackson Pollock and peanut butter and all this shit and then all of a sudden this fucking guy rolls up. Who's birthday is it?

And Tom's like, it's me, he's like, okay. And then slams this fuck, took the cake and slammed it down on the table. And unlike a cake spongy that would just smash on the table, this motherfucker broke into like 200 pieces. And then you take the pieces and then you fucking wipe white table with the drizzles and then eat it it was wild and then your mom tried to get that to go we were waiting for her ass trying to box up the fucking cake that's the one thing she liked Yeah.

Shit, what a time. That was wild, man. Yeah, she's something else, man. She is something else. God. And then she has the nerve to be like, my son is spending a lot of money on these. Oh, no, remember, because I got to ask if you paid her, you told her if she took a bite of something,

it was $1,000. You were the payer. Well, she hustled you for it. She requested it. And then she said, no, $2,000. It got up to $2,000 for a bite. The answer is no. I didn't pay.

Do you know what I had to? I took it to a three-star visual restaurant. You want me to pay you $2,000? Do you know what I had to? I took it to a three star visual restaurant. You want me to pay you $2,000? Do you know what it was? What I had to come in to take a bite of? Japanese A5 Wagyu, like, like, yeah, she wanted $2,000 to taste it. She's like, this looks disgusting.

Like, this is the finest beef in the world. I go this is the finest beef in the world. I did buy our Mercedes. You did? Yeah. That's nice. Yeah, she asked me to take it back. She's like, why?

She's like, it's too tall. I go, what are you talking about? And she goes to climb in and climb out. It's not not comfortable. I go it's yours. You deal with it She goes I'm trying to see if somebody would put a climbing device on it. I'm like a ladder Was it an SUV? Yeah, but it's the standard like the mid-size one, but they make a step up for the I know I'm like just use that She's like no, I want this small one now. You're on your own figure it out make a step up for those. I know. I'm like, just use that. And she's like, no, I want this small one.

Now, you're on your own. Figure it out. Then she went there and she was like, they want, you know, just many thousands. I go, yeah, it's not a pair of shoes. It's a car. Ha, ha, ha. So you will have to do that now.

She goes, I don't have your income. but I'm like, I don't care. So now she's got to get a step foot on this thing. She's just going to be fine. I'm like, no, you're just deal with it. I know she'll come back, she'll hit a button, it'll be a trade, it lifts her up. Like, just stand in alongside it. She's a trip, man. Oh my God, she's a trip.

But yes, back to your original statement, I believe you are her favorite comedian. I think I swung that pendulum, bro. I don't know who Linda likes. I don't know if I'm... Ah! She's all I've read. You should tell him.

Tell him. So we posted that picture of Brad Pitt on social media. So anyone that doesn't know, our minds were blown when we did the will turn shows and Brad Pitt came to the show, right? And it was fucking crazy, it's Brad Pitt. And all of us were taken by not just the fact that it's this global icon

that we've been watching in movies for decades now. There's also being so down to earth. So kind, so polite. But that, honestly, the guy's just so good looking. So good looking. And it's just pretty. Yeah, you're just looking at him. It's beautiful.

You're like, oh yeah, this is what it is to be like genetically gifted. You're looking and just just pretty. Yeah, you're just looking at like beautiful. You're like, oh, yeah This is what it is to be like genetically gifted. You're looking at him. Yeah, you're like you're fucking beautiful man and he is uh 58 Yeah, you definitely didn't find it. Did you? No, I don't know how I missed it one second and um, I posted that on my social media and I guess my mother saw it and put it either shared it on hers or something. Yeah. And one of her friends, Linda said, oh my god Brad Pitt looks terrible. We were like, what are you talking about dude 60, bro? He's fucking 60. Have you seen most 60 year old seriously? Listen, here's the funny thing Brad Pitt and Joey Diaz are the same age

Okay, let's talk about range, all right? Yeah. Did you, Brad Phil, that's it. Save the time. Did you, did you see his, did you see Joey's Instagram post this week at the baseball game?

Yeah, with his daughter in the hand is in the camera and then the floor such an old guy thing He doesn't know how to fucking post a video. Oh God it's That one is that look at look at it look at stars look What's happening? You bad? He's like Hey, you guys doing He's like, Hey, guys, doing. He's like friends and kid and wife. And then he's like, all right,

we're out here having a great time. Sweat and sand. This guy. And then, and then it goes to the ground. Yeah. Yeah. 58 Brad Pitt is beautiful. Unbelievable man. Beautiful. Unbelievable.

That guy is the same age as Joey. Yeah. And Linda has the fucking balls. Linda's got balls. I'm talking bad about Brad Pitt like that. He stayed the whole show and came over you after he said good job and then left. Man, if he would have been like, you guys want to come over? I would have abandoned my whole family.

Well, here's what's funny, you shit to me. Your cousin was there and you walk out and you're like, guess who you just missed. Oh, that was great. Yeah. And she's like, who? And you're like, Brad Pitt, she's like, why didn't you fucking tell me? I was like, I'd rather just tell you you missed them.

That was one of the best moments I've ever had. She called me yesterday. Did she upset still? Jeanette, she called me yesterday and she goes, you know, you're such a, first because she's from Cincinnati. She goes, you hung out with Joe Burrow. I was like, yeah, I went to his house, it was cool. She was like, God, that would have been cool.

I'm like, yeah, she goes, yeah, but I forgot. You didn't even let me meet Brad Pitt. And she was standing there waiting, pregnant at the time of the day. Yeah. Yeah. You're like, guess who just left? Like he was still in the hallway. You know what I mean? And she also was like nah, we had to pull out the camera. I know. Yeah right here.

She's like this was taken actually right now still this minute. Yeah, she goes. She goes why didn't you get me? I go you were over there. Yeah. All the way right here. I would have had to go on over there and got you. So I'd give you one of the greatest memories of your life. But yeah. Then she asked me to go as if I would have been in Sinci would you have invited me to Joe's place?

And I was like, fuck no. No way. You would have, I would have told you about it, sent you pictures. I'm not gonna hook no. No way. I would have told you about it, sent you pictures. I'm not gonna hook you up with that. Ha ha ha. Janette. I remember Janette, I party with Janette.

We party with Janette in Florida. Yeah, Florida, hard. She passed out, we had to put her out in the car. We had to lock her in the car for the protector cell. When did she sing in that night? Yeah. Hard out here for a pig. So she kept singing all night long.

That's how long ago it was. That song was popular. Yeah. That was her jam. And then we're like, all right, we got to put you in the car. We just shoved her in a car and locked her in there and then we all went and partied in the house. Yeah, because I remember opening a door to the car

and as the door opened, she'd be like, how da, it would start. Yeah, like shot. Listen, if we ever meet Brad Pitt, you're not allowed to see him. Ha ha ha ha. Y'all over there, man? No. You all right? out loud to see him. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha traveled in the crowds. And I'm like, I guess he goes, you know how you, how you won't get sick? I'm like, how? He goes, just stay at your podcast studio.

I was like, thanks. Yeah. I don't need to be a doctor for that. Yeah. You know what they call the guy that finishes last in medical school? What? Doctor.

That's good. Yeah. That's true. He won't give me meds. Won't? Well, he's like, this is a virus. I like those LA doctors. I was like,

I'm like, my nose hurts. And they're like, take these fucking 50 pills. Yeah, all right. Yeah, he won't give me any. He's like, I don't want to give you too many, too much meds. I'm like, come on, man. So I fucking pay you, dog. We'll just get, relieve my symptoms then. Yeah. He's like, I don't want to give you too much men. I'm like, come on, man. So I fucking pay you, dog.

We'll just get, relieve my symptoms then. Yeah. Yeah. He's like, hmm, just rest. Take suit of fed, drink water. I mean, he's probably right, but I'm just saying. But who can do that? You know what I mean? How many people, no matter what your status is in life,

can just fucking lay around till they feel better. No one can do that. That's why we all get sick and then get each other sick. You know what the craziest one is? When you're super congested and they go, are you using nasal spray? And I'm like, yeah.

And they go, you know, you really shouldn't. And I go, I don't give a shit. I want to breathe. And they're like, well, it's just gonna create like almost like a dependency on it. I'm like, great, I'll stop doing it when my nose is done. Yeah, exactly. I use it.

I have to breathe through my nose when I'm sick. Of course. That's the one I got it to be able to do. I'm clogged right now. And I already took a hit. What's the worst sickness you've ever had, the most sick you've ever been? Oof, that's a good one. I mean, I'm here at one time when I was in high school.

I got food poisoning from outbacks to, I got lobster at outback steakhouse. Oh. And I, here's the thing, I was vomiting and shitting every day, like days in a row, to the point where, I mean, I couldn't, when you're that depleted of fluid, like you know, anything I've had a simple water out shit. You know, by the fifth day, there's nothing left in me.

It's just like, like a fucking juice is coming out of me. And they finally get me in the car. I'm like depleted. Like a week has gone by. And I go see this doctor and he's like, yeah, you have probably this or that type of bacteria in you right now. He's like, we could do the camera up there and take a look. I'm like, I'm good.

He goes, we'll try this. And then within three hours, I was feeling better. Really? But when I went back to school, I had missed a, like a term paper, something was due, and I had this history teacher and I had told him on the phone before I came back to school. I'm like, I'm home. I'm sick and he hung up

on me. Right? He hung up on me. And I was like, fuck, let's do this. Pissed. Because I think he probably thought this is just like, you're spinning something? Dude, when I had gone back to school, I lost 18 pounds in the week. Yeah. Holy shit. Which was notable. So when he saw me, he was like, he's like, oh, you really were quite ill.

I'm like, yeah. He's like, yeah, just take your time. Get him in there. He felt terrible. He's like, yeah, just take your time. Get him. He felt terrible. He felt terrible. Yeah. My name was food poisoning too.

I, it's weird though. I had sushi with a girlfriend at the time and two of our friends who were in town visiting. We all ate from the same plate, but I'm the only one that got sick. And I can't remember if I ate something that they did it. So strange. But it was the same thing I had,

food poisoning so bad, I lived on the toilet. I put a little piece of paper on the wall, I taped it up and I would hashtag how many times I shat in just a day. And I was in the 20s. Okay, the 20s. I'm throwing up, I'm throwing up. I like you, I would sip Gatorade,

it would touch the back of my throat, my body would just reject it. Like I couldn't have anything and I'm just like, ugh, so then I got to tell my girlfriend at the time, so she's got to take our friends to the airport. Then she comes back, she's like, how are you? I'm horrible, I gotta go to the doctor now. So I go to the doctor and my tongue is black. he's like I've never seen that before and I was like yeah

I hadn't bothered to even look I'm throwing up so fucking much because all right You need to go home and you need he gives me this little fucking like a vial with a a scooper in it and then like a Petri dish thing. I'm like what I need to do with that He goes you need to give us a stool sample. I'm like, I have to shit in that. I did this too. He goes, yeah, you have to shit in that. I was like, oh my God.

But my shits aren't solid shits. They're just, you know, I know what's happened to you before we're, you're sitting on the toilet and you don't even feel it coming, but this just rush of water comes out of you. Like, there's a handful of times in my life where I feel very vulnerable and that's one of them where I'm like, I don't feel it and it's just rushing out of me.

I'm like, oh my God. I just feel like, oh, what's happening? You know what I mean? Like, oh, my body could do whatever it wants with me. Yeah. It's like a sink. It's like a sink opens. You know what I mean? Like, oh, my body could do whatever it was with me. Yeah. Oh. It's like a sink.

It's like a sink opens. But not me pushing it or anything. I'm just sitting there and I just hear this. That's coming from me. Oh my God. What's happening? So now I don't know. Like I am throwing up so much that I,

so I just like, I sit on the edge of the tub instead of the toilet, as I can't get my fucking hand in there, but I can get my hand under the tub, you know? Around this way, and I put my ass over the tub, and I shit nothing, I power shit all over my fucking hand. I just start throwing up and I'm like, all over the floor, is a mess. They're like, oh god, it was disgusting. And I had to screw up, scoop it into files. Like two or three files, I was fucking gagging, so I'm getting sick now. And I happened to the fucking Zip Lock bag.

And my girlfriend's driving me to the dog there. And I've just hold shit samples in the car like this to take in there to see what's about it with me. It took me, he get whatever medicine he gave me to finally after that, but it was like four or five days of... Tornig and me. It's the worst.

Yeah. It is the worst. God, I never wanna do that again. It didn't feel like it was ever gonna end. No. There was no, like how much could be in me right now? It's funny too, because I knew the culprit, you know, was lobster. It stuck with me for a long time. Like, I still will remember that when someone even, like, there's a lobster.

Absolutely. I have. At the time, I feel like I didn't have one for like five years or something. Like, I just- Now you're all right. Yeah. I'll have it. There's a couple things that smells that make me get sick. five years or something? Like I just would say. Now you're all right. Yeah, I'll have it. There's a couple of things that smells that make me get sick. One of them is smoked almonds.

Really? Same thing though. I ate them when I was a kid. I was, I'm sure sick from something else, but when I threw up, that's what I tasted coming up. I can't, I still don't like fucking with them. It took me years to get over those. Tequila was one for a while because I had drank

a mess gallon high school and chewed the worm and got really fucked up so Tequila fuck with me for a while. But the other one is a dip. You know what I'm talking about that winter green. So this is still buzzing. If I smell that, I'm like, yeah. but my dad gave that shit to me and my brother when we were in like, I'm not even kidding you in fucking elementary school.

Why? I don't know. He was doing it for a little while and I asked him later and he told me and this is exactly what happened. So for a minute, I'm doing Hawking here and I will put a bandit in here. You know the pouch, I'd have a minute, I'm doing Hawking here and I will put a bandit in here. You know, the pouch, I'd have a double. I'm a kid. And third, fourth time, maybe of doing it,

or, you know, a few weeks, I swallow it and I just puke everywhere. And I go, why? Why are you giving that to us? Like, and he goes, I'll tell you why. He goes, my uncle was a chore. And he said, I'll never forget seeing him with like, uh, it was either beach nut or red man, but a chal. You know what I'm talking about? You don't even see dudes do that anymore. You used to see people do that. Yeah, red man was kind of popular.

And he was laying back in his recliner and he fell asleep and he said he saw him just swallow it and then just puke and shit and puke and shit. And I was like, that's why you gave your kids snuff? Like what the fuck are you talking about? And but I'll tell you something. I have never ever touched it ever again. And all my buddies did it in high school.

They cracked that can open, pop, pop, pop, crack it open. I'd be like, ooh, as soon as I'd smile, I'd be like, oh yeah. The smell is bad. The smell is nauseous. Thanks for using me in a positive way. It's a nauseating smell. I remember the first time, so I had never heard of any of that shit.

I thought it was just like a southern thing. I'm in Florida. My friend's like, first he was like, do you burn, bro? That's what he said for smoke weed. Oh yeah. Oh, weed. He was like, you burn? I was like, do I smoke weed?

And he was like, yeah. And like this surfer dude with like, hair in his face, I'm like, okay. So I was like, this is a type of dude that exists in Florida, I guess. And then I see all the country guys, like all the red necks. I'm like, nah, I'm not interested in that.

But then, like, do you burn bro? Was like, nah, it's just cool. So he put it in. And I'll try it. I try it the first time I try it, I'm driving. And I get such an intense buzz. That I actually go, is this what this feels like every time? Because this is better than drugs. This is the best thing I've ever felt. But no,

that's like the first time. And then it is disgusting. I mean, it's so gnarly. Then there's like, you know, there's the spit cup of it all. You got it. Just a simple bottle, the Y mouth bottle. I know so many of my friends have drink accidentally took a sip of it. Everybody had it. If you've done it enough, you're fucking bid. And then I used to see it everywhere because in college, a lot of guys were doing that in the dorms. They were all, they were all dipping. It was soup because you know, it's like way easier access.

I met a girl recently that dips. Yeah. We were in Nashville. And I'm like, are you a dip? She's like, mm-hmm. I was like, mm-hmm. All right. I had a friend of mine who, well, she's a,

what'd she look like? She's cute, really cute. Really? A friend of mine, they're born in Maryland. So it's three siblings, two born in Maryland, but one was born in West Virginia. And her mom would tell me that when she was pregnant in the hospital in West Virginia, they asked her like, do you chew tobacco?

She's like, what? She's like, a lot of ladies here chew tobacco. She's like, I do not chew tobacco. I guess it's where you are, man. I guess it's where you are. That is, can you imagine being on a great date with a girl and then she's like, hold on a second. Oh.

Let's go to the movies. You know what I'm doing? Listen, I would hang out with that. I would do everything with that shit, but that. Yeah, but put your mouth on her. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's gnarly. That's fucking gnarly as shit.

A dip. Yeah, and where the girl you met in Nashville, this is like after the show kind of thing, like she's just hanging out. Yeah. And you just noticed that. It's a housing. It's not hard to notice.

Yeah. And it's just, but to see it in a lady's mouth. I've never seen it. I've never seen it. I'm like, are you tipping right now? Yeah. Yeah. Let was take a picture. Out in the line, bro, in the line. Savage.

Me, she is. Yeah, yeah, oh my God. That's her. This is the dip lady. Oh my God. That's her. That's her right there, yeah my God. That's her. That's her right there. Yeah. I think she's got a little more than she needs

if we're being honest. Still aggressive. It looks like she looks like a cigar blow up in her mouth. That's what that fucking looks like. It really does. Oh yeah, that looks like a red neck chick right there. She's fucking hauling lumber during the mornings and shit. And how about that one with the fuck? Yeah, with the Derby hat on. Yeah, straight

up. There it is. That's Kentucky. There you go. I was like Copenhagen, is that what that is? That paling there? I wouldn't be surprised that she's in the last game. It's kind of weird. Did she wave tobacco during her speech? The fuck kind of question is that? Y'all know what I'm saying? I can see you. I'm a dangerous country right now. You imagine? I'm a team just country right now You imagine I'm voting for the guy to dips That would be people's reason to like why you vote for him he dips I did All right, I did I did like he did yeah We do have the dumbest voters

He's a guy I think I can have beer that's that's the most common to so I feel like I can hang out with him. What do you think of his policies? Who gives a fuck? Feel like he's I can hang out that I want to hang out with him. Yeah, but you're not gonna you'll never hang out with him ever. Yeah. His policies are gonna be the things you actually live with. are gonna be the things you actually live with. Speaking of presidents, I just saw, and I could be wrong, I've tried to Google it. There was a 30 for 30 on in the hotel last night. It was about the M1 mixtape. Remember all the ballers that would street ball

to the M1, guys that would fucking just like artfully play a street basketball. They'd fuck people up too. Fuck people. And like anytime you went into footlock or back in the day, that's what was all I would be mesmerized. I would sit there for 20 minutes and watch this, not even look at shoes.

And Bill Clinton was there. And I was like, has any president, that's a deep cut. Has any president done more to appeal to the black voters than Bill Clinton. You're talking about saxophone on our Cineo Hall and you're showing up at an N1 event. Yeah, I mean, you're going deep for those votes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Barack Obama would show up with an N1. Oh, no. No. Bill Clinton, man. Yeah. He's like, you know, we need to go. We need to get to that A.M. one, take. Oh, man, you get, we need to go. We need to get to that AM1 tape. Oh, man, you get those.

He was on that 30 for 30 less. Like, he was there. They were talking about how big at the time that grew and how like deep it got into that society. In Bill Clinton's head up. What's up? He likes basketball, I guess. I couldn't get over it, I was like, man,

he is fucking out there for those votes. You know what kind of ice cream I like? I like mocha. You know what I'm saying, lady? I'm like, I wonder what his body count is. Who? Clintons.

Oh, fucking, I'm saying, you know. Okay, I was gonna say, because I think they got, they got a couple of body cams. Yeah, they could probably add up. I'm just talking about how many different, because there's so many women who are like, yeah, you fuck me.

And of course, some of them were probably lying because he's a super, he's a president. But I put up a picture of my dad in a military, and so many people commented that he looked like young Bill Clinton. And then when I go back and look at, I was like, huh, he kind of did, yeah. But I could see that going back to being a young senator or a young politician in his 20s,

he was fucking average. Yeah, that's how he's wired. Yeah. All over Arkansas, all over everywhere. Look at him. That guy right there was like, what's that? Why don't you come on in here and sit down. We could talk about it.

We know, he'll raise a sweetheart, but you know. But also, to get busted, because somebody saved your nut. Yeah. They saved your nut. Have you ever thought of that? No. Have you ever thought about some girl in maybe college right now,

but still have a t-shirt that you nut it on? Oh, T-buns when he nutted here. And 96? Yeah. Ha ha ha Yeah. My favorite shirt. You got me, give me some life on Campanuts on the shirt. That's so crazy though. And then the nut just hangs out and stays. Yeah. It's just like I'm just going to chill here. Yeah. You can test me three, four years from now. Still be good. Like what? Yeah. You saved. Because she went on to the dress, right? She was like, ah, I guess,

or maybe it dripped on it off of her. Oh, yeah. Who knows, but still saved the nut. I wonder how presidential nut, I wonder how fast he blew on that. Probably quick. I think it was probably quick. It was really quick.

He was probably like, this is the shit. I'm the president and there's an intern blowing me. And then boom, she say has an honor, fucking and puts it up into closet. Yeah. I tend to release quite a bit. So I think, I think an intern would be like, ah, do you have other dresses I can wear. I'm gonna need an outfit. Yeah, I'm gonna need an outfit. Ha ha ha ha ha, if you really, if you're new, you're being targeted. But also to have to think about something at that level. That's crazy. Yeah. You and I, well, you're married,

but even if you weren't, the combined will never know the amount of pussy that's floating that guy's fucking away. Drakes. Yeah. And to have to fucking put hot sauce in my condom and after I fuck. Yeah, I mean the so the story was that he knew He knows and he's a target of women who want to get pregnant by him and

He like you said he has this choice Every day and every night all day long. Yeah, all day of like Girls who are super hot and All day long. Yeah. All day long. All day long. All day long. All day long. All day long. Yeah. All day long. All day long.

Yeah. All day long. All day long. Yeah. All day long. All day long. Yeah. All day long.

Yeah. All day long. Yeah. All day long. Yeah. All day long. Yeah. All day long.

Yeah. All day long. Yeah. All day long. Yeah. All day long. Yeah. And so anyways, they all want him, but he thinks now of the fact that they see you getting pregnant by him as a life achievement. So he started to put hot sauce, like when he would take off his condom and throw it in a trash can, he would pour hot sauce in there. To kill the sperm. Kill the sperm and also, like, if this woman would try

to put it in her because like that actually happens that you know, she would have, she would have no surprise. I think it'd be like that though. I guess possibly, probably. Weaging it out of a condom and fingering yourself with it.

I mean, it's probably really low probability. Yeah. We're probably really little. Um, let's see. It's not sauce kills. I think it comes right up with Drake. Let's see. It is not an effective sperm acetyl agent. I'll tell you what, that's just a small piece of cake. But you know what it does, yeah.

Yeah, it's gonna make that- She's gone. Push it go, wow. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yup. Like when she grabs it, you know.

But also, how do you know? You know what I mean? Like if you're, if you got a condom and you're taking your fingers and you're squeezing it on your pussy and all of a sudden it starts burning your pussy, what makes you think hot sauce? I don't think so. I think she probably started screaming. One of them.

And he was probably in bed like, yeah. You got that hot sauce shit, huh? Huh? Put a little chalula on that one for you. You got that top of T.O. bitch? I hate the word. He's just starting screaming that shit to her. Oh, bitch. Mm hmm. Oh, I He carried the what? He's a side, sorry, scream with that shit to her.

I should push it. Yeah. Oh, my God. I thought I was gonna have your baby drink. No. Yeah, that's a, that's another level of having to think. Yeah, that's, yeah.

That's, I mean, that's the thing is that president, you really only, if you're the president, your only chance is like an intern, right? I mean, there's eyeballs on you everywhere. So he literally was like, who's in the hole? Yeah, Dave Chappelle talk. Yeah, yeah, he just peeked out the window and goes, you. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, that's it. Yeah, whoever's close. It makes sense. You get over here. You're already in the room, you know? He's not gonna go for a walk. He was probably so backed up from all his ear. Oh man.

Cause he was like always doing that. So he probably as a president was like, you know, these nuts are shaking right now. He probably didn't want to win that second turn. Let me get into the goddamn alarm, shit. No more pussy for four years. Yeah, I'm trying to fuck him up. I'm a weird guy.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Motherfucker. He is something else. He does look like he's like out of cover or something. Like have you seen him? Like, yeah, like his, I don't know, his skin tone

and his complexion, it's all fucking, right? It just looks like so weathered. It looks like he's a drinker too, probably. He looks like Brad Pitt, don't I think about it? Yeah, so he de-hazard Brad Pitt. This is how most people age, you know? Like you just, you know, your body and your face and everything just gives out.

It gives out and it betrays you. We're so used to seeing plastic people now that somebody old looks weird. I swear I feel like if most of these people just leave themselves alone once they got into the later years, they'll look better. Yeah, because that gravity and hole in your normal shit up, it's not gonna hold the fucking plastic shit up.

Yeah, it's weird too. It's weird when people in comedy do it. When they go away and they come back, you're like, who punched you in the face? Yeah, a bunch. And also, if we're in comedy, the whole thing is that we're flawed, obviously the way every human being is, but we're physically flawed, and it kind of lends itself to what we do.

You know, like we're imperfect. Like Jimmy Fox, you might have like, in a set. You know, yeah, yeah, sure. I think about that a lot. Right. We're not supposed to be, we're the bad news bears. I've told you this before, like, we're not supposed to win. Right.

That's not who we are in life. We're supposed to get right fucking there. Yeah. And then somebody else gets that shit or something else happens. That's just who we are in life. We don't, we're not supposed, like, would I love to have abs? Yeah, I would, but I'm not a personal trainer, you know what I mean? Like, I'm not, I'm a comedian. I'm flawed. I got gaps in my teeth.

Here's a true yellow. If you were like, my life goal is to have abs, you could make it happen. Yeah, I could. Yeah, you could go on like this crazy regimen of like really, really strict eating go on like this crazy regimen of like really, really strict eating and you know, training and stuff to do it. But it's like, have abs at 50 and then have no family or anyone that gives a fuck about me because all I do is work on my abs. Your abs. And it wouldn't lend itself to you being a better comedian. No, for sure.

And then you should be healthy, right? But I'm saying like, to be obsessed with some body part like that, like obsessed. Because like, it's interesting. You're either, it's a great point. It's a body part. Yeah. It's not anything but a part. Yeah.

And it is, I get it. It is very like, you see it and you go, wow. Like I mean, I see six pack on it, dude. I'm like, god damn, that's wild. Look at that. It's incredible. It's like aesthetically like impressive. And then you go God damn, that's wild. Look at that. It's incredible. It's like aesthetically, like impressive. And then you go, that man, I would love to have that.

But I also go like, I mean, that would take a level of commitment. That's what I always think. Like, who are you and what are you ignoring in your life? Yeah, unless you're genetically aware of your anger. Unless you're genetically gifted. Yeah, sure. There are people who are gifted and,

or they have like that really, really lean build to begin with? Doesn't take as extreme a behavior to change it and then that's you know, that's their gift or whatever, but Yeah, I think to be a comedian and to be like I'm getting I'm doing my face lift or something. It's fucking crazy. It is weird. Yeah. Yeah, you're supposed to have a droopy face your comedian someone's the best comment Anyone has ever made about me that it still sticks with me as made me laugh so hard I wish I knew who the guy was or or girl. Maybe it was a girl. I don't know But the comment was

Ryan Cicler looks like if an afternoon nap had a face. That's so good. That's good. It's so good. Yeah. And I was like, I looked at my face and I was like, God damn it. Those look like you know. Do you know what I did? I did Conan a few times.

Yeah. I did Conan a few times. And one time I was sitting on the couch. It was like we're coming back from a break. And Andy Richter sitting next to me, and he goes, he looks down, he goes, are you wearing Gucci shoes? And I go, yeah, he goes, you know you still,

you know you still look like you run a bowling alley It's like yeah, yeah, that's true. Yeah Yeah, we're not supposed to be those people. We're not supposed to be those. That's not who we are. Yeah. No, no, it sets the other, that's Brad. That's right. Brad Pitt.

And Linda's Linda, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. Linda, Linda doesn't look like Brad, I'm sure. Bro, Linda does not look like Brad, I'm sure. Bro, Linda does not look like Brad. There's only one Brad pit. I wish Brad had a post where he was like, check out this bitch Linda.

What if he just needed that? I said, all the posts, he starts a social media. Look at Linda talking shit. He's had a screen grab of her comment, and then you swipe, and it's just a picture of Linda. He's like, look at this bitch right here. This bitch. Say an eye look old.

I've been talking about it on stage. Brad Pitt looks so good in a bucket hat. Like a bucket hat. That's a clown hat. It's a fish hat. You know what I mean? You're not supposed to look good in it. And I don't mean a can go. I mean, a Gilligan Island. Yeah, yeah. I'm a bucket hat. It's a fish hat. You know what I mean? Yeah, I'm supposed to look good in it. And I don't mean a can go

I mean a Gilligan Island. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it is and He's so good looking like something like that just starts to fuck with when you look at it his hair Bug it at his hair is tucked up in there. His perfect. It is perfect. It's tucked in there I would look like if an after had a face with a bucket hat, that I look like. William Bradley Pitt, that's his name? I guess so. Bill Bradley Pitt, BBP, man.

I call him Pitstop, that's my dog. Pitstop. Yeah. And let's be honest, his body was pretty hard too. He's a specimen. I'm once met Robert Redford. This is pretty funny. This is one of those smart fucking intelligent moves I wish I could think quickly like this.

So I went to Sundance years ago, my friend Tracy, her brother had a film in there and we went up and we went to see a bunch of different films and this one location we drove to was sort of out of the town and Robert Redford was there, you know. We see him like, how's fucking Robert Redford? And this guy goes, Mr. Redford, you dropped your credit card and he has it. And he's like, oh, can I get it back? And he goes, I'll give it back to you for an autograph And he goes I don't really give autographs happy to give you tickets or whatever you want

But and the guy goes you know your autographs on the back of this credit card And he fucking kept the credit card He may rob a refer canceled a fucking credit card because his signature was on it. He had it This motherfucker took his credit card right in front of him. It's where it got. Holy shit. And I was like, damn, how do you even think that quick that his signature is on the back of this and everything? And he just fucking was like, I'm out of here, man. Taking your credit card and took Robert Refers.

And also, you have to be such a like other level famous person to go engaging in this is not worth my time. You know what I mean? I'll just cancel. Like so many people will be like, give me the fucking card or like, I'm going to break your fucking face open or like, or just like, you know, no, like it starts something. But like if you did that to probably like Robert Redford, Brad Pitt, if I can Jack Nicholson or Tom Cruise. They're like, and so these turn away, and they look at somebody who goes like,

I canceled it already, like that. And they're like, I don't have time for this. It's exactly what he did. Like, I'm not even. Keep this shit. You only have other cards? All of that motherfucker's probably good. Yeah, it's wild.

I wish I could think like that. Yeah, have you ever heard this story? This is lore. I don't know. You can cut this out if you don't want to keep it in, but the story that I've heard, you know, it's that telephone game. So I'm going to say that up top. It's been passed down so many times.

But apparently years ago, I guess, Dane Cook could beat Richard Pryor's world record for long as stand-up set, which I didn't even know existed. Yeah, that's the laugh factory. Exactly. And then supposedly, Chappelle heard about that and then he went up and beat that. And then Dane went up and did it again. And it was this back and forth thing for a minute. And Chappelle, supposedly, the story goes, came into the laugh factory one night, you could ask him. And Jamie said, hey, it's Danes night. And Chappelle, this is the height of Chappelle's show and everything's like, what the fuck, was that mean?

He's like, it's just Danes night. He's like, just do a tight 10. And he's like, okay. Now, any other comedian would go do 45 fucking minutes. That's just what most people do. But Chappelle, if this is true, and we already know he's a different animal anyway, he goes up and does a tight 10.

But right at the end goes, you know what? I don't usually do this, but I'm gonna go outside and smoke some cigarettes. If you all wanna come out, hang out, take pictures, whatever. I'll be out there and the whole crowd fucking walked away. And he's like, there's James Knight. Bro, you know what I'm saying? That's way beyond just being reactionary.

You know, that is fucking thinking. I wish I could think like that. This guy got Robert Refford's autograph. He got more in his autograph. He's got his credit fucking card. I would fuck that on my wall. And this guy just took the audience and moved it out here. I'm gonna do that next time I'm gonna get on stage.

I'm gonna be like, you know, I don't normally do this, but how many y'all been to a Michelin star restaurant before? You wanna go right now? We just go, dude, that is, you could. You could absolutely do that to Samaya right now if they were being a dick and you dropped in. You could have absolutely everything. They're audience.

That'd be so funny. If you're like, you got, hey, you guys wanna go to Cabo? That's it everybody. Thank everybody. Take everybody on vacation. I take people out to eat, that'd be fun. Yeah. Go to burgers. You guys want to go get in and out?

I got in and out and truck pulling up outside right now. Five, guy. I said, the short period. Free burger, man. Everybody would leave. They would. Everybody would leave. Even if they bought a ticket, they'd leave.

But the best was, were you with me? You weren't with me in Atlanta. No. It's just funny. We go, the show is amazing at the Fox. We go back to the hotel. And there's always this thing. Like, most of the time we just turn in.

There's just bar at the hotel. I'm like, should we go out, should we not go out? And we're always kind of like, and then people start to recognize who we're at like a wedding and stuff. They're like, hey, everyone's been super nice and they're asked for pictures and like, and then this couple is really nice

and they're like, what are you guys doing? I said, we're gonna have a drink here. And they're like, let's go out from here and we're debating it. So they get us I said, we're gonna have a drink here. And they're like, let's go out from here and we're debating it. So they give us a table, we just head over to the table. And we sit down and they bring us drinks and we're debating whether to leave or not. And they're just sitting like here.

And everyone's really nice to them, like my whole crew is like talking to them. And I'm kind of more talking to somebody else in our crew and then I kind of look and they're just like, you know, talking and I turn and they're gone. I'm like, oh, they left. And he's like, now they're over there. I'm gonna look over there. They had sat down with Charles Barkley because he was at the bar.

They were like, see lady. And they're watching the hockey game with him And then we get up and we all go say how to chuck and he's super nice to everybody and then we just kind of look at them I'm like you left and they're like what fucking Charles Barkley All right, we're gonna wrap it up Thank you for coming me. Thank you for having me on dude a lot of fun always fun. Love you and Anything you want to plug anything you got coming up? Yeah, actually I got I'm on tour go to my website

Ryan sickler comm for tickets. I'll be actually I'll be back here in Austin at the Vulcan later the day weekend, Friday and Saturday, four shows. I'm hitting Philly, Edmonton, Vancouver, Chicago. I got a lot of shows coming up and make sure you subscribe to the Honey Doe. Check out that Patreon. I just told you how the guy, all those stories are amazing. The guy that came on this week Want to commit suicide next to train tracks unbelievable sliced his wrist up. It's freezing So the blood's not coming takes the knife to his own chest camp break the chest plate Here's the train horn and goes fuck it. I'm laying on the train tracks lays across the train tracks Closes his eyes. I go when did you wake up this motherfucker said January But he woke up like how did you wake up? He said I laid on the wrong set and they cut both his legs off

He lost both his fucking legs trying to commit suicide on train tracks tons of stories like that It's the how do you do with y'all it's five bucks a month subscribe today Tons, that's five bucks a me. All right. Bird and Tom. Tom and Bert. One goes top and swap the other. Where's the shirt? Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call, two bears one cave. No scripts to bet a booze amateur, patology. Dirty jokes, ronti humor, no apologies.

Here's what we call Two bears one cave