2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 143 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: July 25, 2022

Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer are back together in the bear cave for this week’s episode! Bert recaps his Fully Loaded tour with Dave Attell, Shane Gillis, Big Jay Oakerson, Taylor Tomlinson, and many more comics. They also discuss Tom’s appearance on The Late Show With Stephen Colbert, working out with Mark Bell, the Ron White episode of 2 Bears, and Bert’s upcoming trip to Italy. Tom then tells Bert about his experience donating to a Starlight Children’s Foundation, which prompts a conversation about donating to charity. Bert calls his business manager to find out if he can afford to do the same. https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://www.bertbertbert.com/bertyboytourhttps://store.ymhstudios.com/

Do you get money back when you donate money? Do you get like a kickback or something? No! 100% Quadruple bypass was a success and bird is back. So happy you recovered. Everybody's missed you. I know that they got the catheter out.

How are you feeling first of all? I am, I'm shaky right now. I'm actually a little shaky. Yeah, this, yeah, that tour was, is a lot. You just started, our conversation was a lie. You said, you said. It's so good to be back in the old studio. You actually had the balls to say you lost weight on this fully loaded tour.

I lost weight. I lost weight. My belt was loose. My pants were falling off me. What? That happens for other reasons. I'm eating. I ate phenomenally. On tour. On tour. I drank aggressively. That is very clear. I saw stills videos.

I've, it was a ride. I tried. You tried to. I tried every day. To not? To not drink the way I am. Every day. It was, I mean, like, I'm actually gonna say

that I'm powerless to alcohol because I would go, I would go, we went to the Kentucky Derby. That is what they say, day one in rehab. I went to the Kentucky Derby. I get, I get us an owner suite, right? At the, it's right there, it's right the fucking finish line. Is there actual races going on? Yeah, races.

They roll out the red carpet, shout out to Joe. They roll out the red carpet. They fucking, it's catered, great food. You can smoke cigars. And that's some Kentucky shit where they're like, you have, of course, you can smoke here. Yeah, yeah. Like you're gonna hit women if you want.

Just gotta go far enough, wait them down. You more fuck, sister. So we go, we get there and I'm like, I'm not drinking. I'm not drinking. And'm not drinking and then boom Mint you up and I was like I guess I'm drinking and I got fucking Wasted at the Kentucky Derby wait. I got I was wasted every Single day all day all night all day All night Shane Gillis is a bad fucking influence. He is dude

He I know he'd say the same about me, but man He just fucking throws up a BL and just he can he can handle them too, dude He can handle him. He's the funnest dude. I have I have curated the funnest people in the world to tour with yeah fucking big J. O'Coursin hadn't, you know, we all hang out. We all hang out. We just have four buses. We have one is just a lounge bus, like a party bus.

So we all go out, everyone's, all the comics are there. We're all fucking buss and balls. We're all laughing our asses off. We're done laughing. We have to go to bed, right? It's fucking 3.30 in the morning. Bus calls up and Big J, just, he's like,

we're about to walk into the bus, he grabs me and goes, hey man. I don't wanna do this, because if he uses this a bit, it's so funny. He goes, hey man, so if we give it up with Jurassic Park, I don't know where I go. What? He's like, how many do we just concede?

There's dinosaurs everywhere now. No, my God. He does a bit of Browse Jurassic Park in Chris Pratt going, How many do we just concede? There's dinosaurs everywhere now. No, wait, wait. He does a bit of Browth Jurassic Park and Chris Pratt go and stop. I am, it's 3.30 in the morning. I'm crying laughing. Jay, I gotta go to bed. He's like, hold on, one more thing, one more thing. Dude, it is the funniest.

I'm gonna say right now, before I get into David's hell. Carter Cruz is a monster. Yeah. Dude, I'm bringing her to Red Rocks. You are? Offered her to come Red Rocks with me. She's like, you want me to DJ it, Red Rocks? So I'm like, yep, she is so fucking good.

Oh great. She's so good. This man, she's so good, Georgia fucking loved her. I mean, her DJing is so much fun. It brings so much energy into the room. DJs by DJs fucking deliver and she's awesome. It changes the whole vibe. On stage, she's dancing. The she brings out the the the mannequin I got and the mannequin. Yeah. You know, whatever that guy, the dress, oh my God, god that look that it looks like shit to it

It looks like a fucking Walgreens mask I thought I thought fucking Ilam made it like in middle school it looks tear head and it had the fucking sex doll mouth. Yeah, it's like. I was like, what the fuck are you? When you put this together, you didn't think that's aggressive. Just yeah. She brings the mannequin out on stage. They dance her in the mannequin dance.

They she's fucking. Who's in the mannequin? Owen, my buddy. Owen, it works for Alpac. Oh, okay. He's awesome, dude. Yeah, I mean, bring it. When I had Primo, my buddy, Owen, he works for Alpac. Oh, okay. He's awesome, dude. Yeah, I mean, when I had Primo on those shows, it really, the energy, it goes through the,

it's something you can't duplicate with like, hey, here's just like another comic. Yeah. It changes everything. And the whole line up, so we do, it's, we do two chunks. We do a first, the first chunk, which is, you know, it closed out. The next one closed out. I think Nicky's going to close it up.

Taylor Thompson was closing it out. And they all fucking kill. And then the sun goes down. And it's big J. Big J dude. I don't, man, I don't, it's hard to get impressed by a friend. You know, like once you know someone's acting, you kind of know them. You barely kind of watch it anymore.

Yeah. Big J goes up at the Yum Center, 7,000, 9,000 people I think. Yeah. And in an arena and sits on a stool and doesn't move for fucking 20 minutes and has the crowd in the palm of his hand. And he's using silence in an arena like I'd never seen,

like I'd never fucking seen. Big J goes on, Shang Gila starts pacing, he goes, J's fucking murdering. I mean, murdering, dude, Georgia is crying laughing. My daughter, Georgia was on tour with us as well. She was like, PAing for you, right? Yeah, she is crying laughing. And you know, Georgia's kind of woke.

Yeah. Big J's doing pronoun jokes. Yeah. And is crying laughing and you know, George is kind of woke. Yeah. Big J's doing pronoun jokes. Yeah. And George is laughing and then going like, did anyone see that? Yeah. And I'm watching her laugh at the most inappropriate shit. Yeah. A tell goes on. A tell goes on and Georgia is crying. And you know how a tell is destroying and he's saying the most inappropriate shit Shane Gillis go by the way, I'm gonna go back to a tell Shane Gillis goes on and Georgia wants not to laugh she I can see it in her eyes

He's doing a slavery joke and she is going I Mean it has helped me my this trip has helped me, my relationship with Georgia. I never could have had, it has made all the shit I fucked up during the, all like not Holocaust. Quarantine during the quarantine during the pandemic, all the shit I fucked up during the pandemic about being a bad dad and because I was around too much, do it to get my daughter to see what I do for a living. Yeah, but more importantly

She knows they all these kids these days are anti-comedy cuz they don't do like certain things you can't joke about Did she get now that like Jews are a problem like she gets it? She goes she goes I go you really like Shane, huh? She was like, I mean, I didn't, like, he says stuff that you're not supposed to laugh at, dad. And I go, yeah, she goes, but he gets away with it. Because it, it's like, he says the thing that you've kind of thought before,

but you've never set out loud. And because he says it, it catches you off guard. And you just, you just laugh, I go,, yeah that's comedy, yeah, that's comedy. And these kids these days, her and her friend were crying laughing. I thought, I thought she was gonna, David Tell, I'm gonna have to tell this joke. I just told these guys, David Tell told a joke that I thought Georgia was gonna die, was gonna fall, fall down on the ground and die laughing, die laughing. He goes, I'm taking a dump.

You know the kind of dump where you got for a reason one hand in a bottle in the other? You know the kind of dump where a dog walks in and then backs out like a cat. It's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, backs out like a cat, backs out like a cat. On the fucking floor, dude. David Tell is the greatest comedian that has ever lived. There is not one comedian

that is better than David Tell and he is the goat. He is the goat. I agree. There is to watch that man work and realize I don't have anything near what he has in his act. Tom, he was doing, he was working, we're in Rochester, he was working the city. This, like, billboards in the background were references to his. Like, there's, it says, Morocco, Morocco, Munich College behind me, it looks like somebody wanted to come on

to Morocco, Munich College, and the fucking crowds, if you don't like it, take a look at the cross, I don't know, he's working the city. Yeah. And the fuck, I mean, every comic, comic every single comic stop what they were doing to watch his To watch David tell is the greatest comic and and and I will tell you this make a wish child Yeah, God his fucking everything I wanted out of David tell I got best dude

Went to a bar with them. Yeah, we took him to shirtshotsx and Dayton. Did you watch him take 15 minutes to send a text? He's like, on his flip phone. Sat, sat on a private jet. You know, I got a private jet for everyone. And I was like, everyone's still wherever you want. Dave's sitting right there. Sat right across from Dave. Talked to him the whole time.

Basically told him, you know that my whole career is just you without the good jokes. Yeah. He's like, I know. I know that my whole career is just you without the good jokes. Yeah I told you when I opened for him once and I was like hey Hey, you have a joke about this and I have it. I have a joke about it too Do you mind if I do it and like mine? He goes I don't mind if you do the joke. You just can't do my cadence He goes, I don't mind if you do the joke, you just can't do my cadence. And then he walks away and I was like, dude, he is the greatest.

And then just to hang with him, to like legit hang with him. He makes you feel lazy because of how hard, you realize how hard he works, and then you feel inspired. You're like, oh, I should, like every time I worked with him or like saw him do a set, I always worked harder like after that, you know,

but you feel like shit at first. I mean, there was not one night. I'm being dead serious. There was not one night Shane Gillis felt comfortable going on stage. He had a follow-dave every time. Really? And then the last night Shane went and did Rogan

and I followed Dave. Motherfucker. Really? Yeah, I would have to take off two shirts. It was fucking dude. He is the great, and he would get standing ovation's when he got on stage and he gets standing ovation's when he left stage.

When they said, ladies and gentlemen, David tell, on their feet, the only, I think, I think, I think, I think, Jay, Shane, and Dave, all got standing ovation's every time they left. Standing ovation's when they left, when they left, but Dave will get it when they called his name the place went crazy people were texting me or DM. You know, whatever and they're like I've never gotten to see David tell before this is he's the like blown away. Yeah blown away Introduced to like I'm on what do we move like 30,000 tickets or something introduced fucking The greatest I'm telling you when I say this I like 30,000 tickets or something, introduce fucking the greatest.

I'm telling you when I say this, I every night I was blown away. I was blown away. And then we got next week coming up, we marked normally, I think, you know, when this air is it'll already be done, but it was fucking awesome, man. It was David's hell fucking for my money.

Dustin Nicherson killed it. Aaron Weber killed it. Everyone killed it. We went to Notre Dame. We went to the Churchill downs We got IVs. We took yoga. I took batting practice with the fucking red wings. How's that dude? Are you drunk at that? Yes Fucking hammered and they got brought out batting gloves and I fucking hit Pingers the one guy goes that he knew you were sandbagging us. You can legit play. I was like fuck

Dude hit one hop off the fence one hop with a wooden bat with no pace on the ball Mother fucker. It's it's I'm done after this. I'm fucking I don't My retire. Yeah, oh Let's go back to your initial life. How did you lose weight if you were drinking like a goddamn fish like a psycho to smoothie bar? What smoothie bar. What? Smoothie bar. You're on the smoothies every day? Do, this tour is markedly different than our other tours.

We have canering everywhere we go. Yeah. And so we got a smoothie bar. So every morning I'd go in and I have a smoothie. Okay. And I was like, well, that filled me up and then I wouldn't eat, I'd eat very light. And then by the way, you start drinking,

you just forget to eat. Yeah. And then, and then it's, you know, it's like, show time, I can't eat after seven, I throw up in my throat while I sleep. And so I just didn't eat. I didn't eat eye-fucking. Very sustainable. So skinny on me. I look awesome right now. I am so worked out. I work out every day. I fucking jacked. I am a jacked dude. I fucking we did yoga one day. I worked out in the right field. I ran laps around the field. It's fucking awesome dude. I had so much fun. All anyone said to me the only thing other people said was next year can you do it with Tom. And I was like I don't know. I was like maybe people do Europe. Why don't we do it with Tom? And I was like, I don't know. I was like, maybe, maybe we'll do Europe. I don't even do it tour together, do Europe together.

That could be fun. I'd be falling shit. I did call Baron, I got him to put on the jacket that Netflix bought me that I didn't wear in the special. So that was great. And the best is I go, What did he say to you when you came out? You don't look like a fat piece of shit.

He, okay. They cut it. They did? Oh yeah. Yeah, so we talked for over 20 minutes, which is a long time for like panel. Yeah. Cause you know, they're gonna cut it down.

Oh wow. He does like a 20 minute interview and then they just, he's, they told me they're like, he's enjoying himself. So he's, he's like, okay. So when I sat down, he goes, first of all, he goes, look at this card. It was like his interview goes, doesn't say any questions or's okay. So when I sat down he goes first of all he goes look at this card It was like his inner he goes doesn't say any questions or anything. I was like yeah, he goes so let me just

Congratulate you I go think he goes on not being a fat piece of shit and I was like What and he's like he's like what he goes you look you look healthy and I was like Yeah, you know, I've been eating pretty clean and working out a lot. He goes, you look healthy. And I was like, yeah, you know, I've been eating pretty clean and working out a lot. He goes, funny how that works, isn't it? Yeah. Weed, so he's like legit funny. Oh, so funny, so funny.

And I'm laughing so hard. And then I'm like, I go, with he said that, I feel like it's open. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, yeah, you know, I go, I just been focusing on, you know, he's like, on what, I go, I'm not being a fat piece of shit.

And so then I'm saying it, and I figured they're just gonna believe it and stuff. They cut it all out. Oh, really? Yeah, they cut it all out. Then we talked about the hierarchy of Latin American countries. And I was, and then I'm telling him,

I'm like, I go, this is definitely not airing. We shut the fuck up. And he goes, no, I go, you won't have a show. Seriously, I was like, I'm like, I go, this is definitely not airing. We shut the fuck up. And he goes, no, I go, you won't have a show. Seriously, I was like, I was like telling him, I was like, you know, like the arch is the hierarchy. It goes Argentina. I go, Argentines, I go because they killed all the indigenous people and he was like, mm-hmm.

They did? Yeah, it's like a white country. So, for real? Yeah, yeah, there's not, there's basically like, you know, like just like a couple, it's like Beverly Hills, like there's a couple of brown people over there. But it's like everybody else. Like some Beverly Hills of South America.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I was like, you know. So where's Brazil land on this? In the hierarchy, well here's the thing, they're massive and like it's a massive population. They do actually have a big economy compared to the rest of Latin America. Yeah. So you would have to put them, yeah, for sure, have a big economy compared to the rest of Latin America.

So you would have to put them, yeah, for sure, close to the top, but I think that, I don't know, it's almost like, it's almost like because they speak Portuguese, you almost like separate them as their own thing. They're like, when we talk about like Texas in America, you're like Texas is just Texas. Yeah, or Florida.

Yeah, they're like, it's its own thing. Okay. So I'm more like talking about the Spanish-speaking countries. But then I kind of ran through it and then I was like, yeah, then Central America, I was like, where do they fall? I was like, fucking down. Wait, so you did like a fun fucking interview with them? I did a fun interview, but I was like,

this is so racist. I was like, this will never air. And then he was like, mm-mm. And then he goes, cut, cut, cut. Like real? Ah! And then I was like, is there no answer?

Who's the bottom? I was like, the Caribbean. Those countries are like our red necks. We don't even fucking respect them. So we, is there an audience there? Fucking full audience. And they're crying laughing, or they're like, ah-ha.

Kind of both. And then there's some Latin people. Then he was like talking to the story about, what do I? And he was like, I learned this phrase. And it was like basically somebody had lied to him about like to say something insulting. And somebody audience goes like, hey!

It was so fun. It was so fun. But I also knew. I knew that stuff would get cut out. I didn't think, you know, he paired it way down, but then I got him, he was the thing. I told him the whole Netflix jacket store, you remember that, where they bought me this leather jacket.

And then I had it dyed so that it would be the color I needed. It was like this whole thing. And the jacket was five grand. I mean, it's so much money. And they were like, do you really, I'm gonna start wearing shirts. I was like, do you need, they were like, do you need this jacket?

And I was like, yes, it's fucking awesome. And then like a week before I shot, I was like, I don't wanna wear it. And they were like, do you need this jacket? And I was like, yes, it's fucking awesome. And then like a week before I shot, I was like, I don't wanna wear it. And they were like, why? I'm like, I don't wanna wear leather jacket. It feels like a leather, you know, like, I'm gonna be like, hey, the fuck, I'm the leather guy. I just felt silly.

They're like, what are you gonna wear? I was like, I have another jacket. I'll just wear that. And they're like, what about the one we got you for five grand? Oh my God. And then I go, I've never worn it. He's like, really? And one we got you for five grand? Oh my god. Then I go, I've never worn it. He's like, really? And he goes, can I try it on?

I go, yes, I pull it out. He puts it on. And he puts his hands in the pockets. And he pulls out a mask and chaps it. He goes, do you just lie all the time? There's a mask. I was like, I think I'll wear it once. I never wore it. Yeah I think I'll wear it.

Yeah. There's a ballet ticket there. Yeah. So, Cobert is fun. That's awesome. Oh, he's so fun. I mean, you know, he came from improv. I don't really know.

I don't know how I'm being used with candy. How I'm being used with. How I'm being used with. Strangers with candy. You like that? Yeah. Like with Saderas. I thought he did like he did like the, the daily show, right?

And then he was like that character, right? He was like, did he do a character on the daily show? Yeah, he was like super right wing character. And then that was such a hit that they gave him Colbert Report, which he played that character like Bill O'Reilly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he was like basic. It's like sad type but then and then you know He he just that was a hit and then when it came up when Letterman retired he got you know that show Wow

He's really Catholic. He's very Catholic like really into Family I'm gonna start leaning into my Catholicism. I Want to know her name and I went to a church. I haven't been to a church in a while. It's a cool campus tour. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I toured it a little while ago. It was fucking so, they took this to the indoor practice facility and we caught balls from one of the quarterbacks and you're like, oh my god. Like him just casually zipping the ball to you. You're like, this feels like a machine just shot it. And you could be like, hey, you see that trash can? 50 yards away. Yeah.

Can you hit that? And he was like, and just into the trash can. Really? The offensive line came to our show. They're all good friends with Shane. Shane's like obsessed with that, a Notre Dame. Yeah. So they come to the show and we go to take a picture with our shirts off, and so we all

get a picture. And then I make a joke. I go, I go, hey, you guys are big. I bet I feel like if you guys wanted to have sex with me, I couldn't stop you. And then I go, hey, Georgia, once you come over, you're gonna picture. She's like, the fuck are you doing that? Maybe she didn't want to get a picture with them, but they're all like her age, roughly.

They're just a little older. And then she got a picture with all of them. And then she saw her like send it to her friends. She's like, oh my God, look what my damage did you do last night? I was like, these guys could totally take advantage of me if they wanted to. They were, they were, and they're like, because they got a Notre Dame,

they're really smart offensive lineman. Yeah, sure. So like, one guy's like, I'm gonna be a a doctor. Yeah, yeah, that's why they'll never fucking gorilla hands They'll never win the national championship because you have to be too smart to go there So like the best they can do is like get close We said well how hard is it to get into Notre Dame? They said our average ACT's 35 and I went listen what's that's in that high? And they're like, the ACT only goes to 36.

And we're like, oh, yeah. They don't have, like they don't do, you don't have to go to class. Or like let me talk to the, that's not a thing there. It's, I think I'm gonna start, like I made me really bummed out that I don't follow enough college football. It's so fun.

It's so fun. And there's such tradition to it. I mean, Shane got, like the only reason I got Shane on the stores, because I told him that we were gonna go to Notre Dame. It's the only reason he was like, that I'm in, like he really is obsessed with it. And he knew like some guy came in.

That's his squad, right? Oh, his grandfather went there, his dad went there, like everyone, and he's obsessed with Notre Dame. It's like I mean I get my uncle went there my cousin went there They they are for real yes, and they are my uncle who's now 80 Doesn't watch the games live he records them and then only watches if they win because he gets too Emotion like he gets too angry Oh my god, and then his his cat like the way he kills time, as he just goes on YouTube and watches past Notre Dame games.

Yeah. I wish I had something like that was on that obsessed with. I'm a comedy is my thing. Yeah. I mean, it was that was the funnest part of this tour. It's just getting to watch great comics work. Yeah. It was that was the funnest part of this tour. It's just getting to watch great comics work. Yeah, that is from top to bottom everyone murder David Dave

Dave Williamson is hosting we're gonna big J host and then big J missed his first flight So Dave went out and ho davis fucking murdering everyone's but like I wish I had that I'm gonna try to do it with Florida state this year What I'm gonna try to like get really into the season. So I did it when I was there, when I was, like Shane knows assistant coaches names. Yeah, it's kind of a fun, I mean, if you're FSU fan, it's kind of a fun, like, time to get back in because you'll be getting back in when things are not,

they're not at the, I don't think at the worst anymore. Yeah. But they're not great. So you'll be able to like get behind like, hopefully the rebuild is going in the right direction. And you're gonna, and they'll be, it won't be like, oh, we're gonna mask her people at all. But it will be a build.

And if you stick with it for a couple of years, maybe you'll see like be part of an upswing, which would be fun. I, I, I, I, I, back in the, when I was at Florida, I think it was probably doing COVID times or something. I don't know what it was, but they asked me if I wanted to go in

toward the facilities. And I was like, yeah, and not that I was like, yeah, but I was like, it didn't happen. I just didn't follow through. Yeah. Now that I've toured facilities, I really regret not going to see that thing.

Because Notre Dame was so cool. Yeah, it's just cool. I've toured a number of them. I've toured a number of them. You do that. I do the road wrong. Like I do, I do some about, did you show up hammered for the tour?

I think maybe. Yeah. I mean, I was like, I was like, every morning, I'd be like, I'm not drinking. I would love to do some of the other powerhouse school tour. Like, I would love to tour FSU. I would love to tour Alabama, Clemson.

I'd love to tour LSU. I just think it would be, like just like those big, premier program places. I mean, I think think it would be like just like those big premier program places. I mean, I think the BAML-1-2 would probably be mind blowing because I've just heard about what they put into the program there. And it probably rivals like, you know, an NFL type of atmosphere. Those kids now that they make legit fucking money to take a second do it's whatever it is some of the offensive linemen were like hey man why don't

you guys sign me to two bearers sports management and I was like oh yeah I guess whatever happened to that yeah I was like yeah yeah I was like we we have one athlete I don't know how he's doing we're not the best. We don't really follow through. Come sign with us. Yeah. Take a look at our roster. But it's, I don't know. I, it was so fun. Like, and then I go there and I spent,

I bought all Notre Dame shit. Yeah. And I bought Georgia and her friend Daisy. I brought them like hats and stuff. And I brought, it and stuff and I brought, it was like, I need to do more of that. It's fun, man. I mean, look, if it's fun if you enjoy that sport,

I mean, I know you like baseball a lot. If you, you know, I'm sure you could hit up baseball teams for the same type of experience. Dude, I can act it when they were like, do you want to take some batting practice? It's like midnight, a hammer, and I'm like, yeah. I could have taken batting practice all night long. Like, I, it hit back midnight, and hammered, and I'm like, yeah, I could have taken batting practice all night long. Like I, it hit back to a part of me when I was a kid when I was

like, when my dad's like, all right, we got to get going. I go one more bag of balls, dad. Like that mentality was so fucking, it's something comes, I actually said the same thing. When I was in Sacramento, I went to Mark Bell's gym and we're working out and then he was like, here, put this thing around your waist and it's pulling a sled. Like, you know, and it took me immediately to like football training. And I just, we're doing that for like 45 minutes.

I thought I was gonna fucking pass out. But it was just like, I don't know, there is that nostalgia thing in your brain that like makes it real right away. When working out to fun, yeah, it makes it... Like I've been doing, I've been really enjoying lifting weights because I'm back to my pre-injury strength. Yeah.

And it's fun as fucking shit. I mean, you're fucking jacked, dude. I am in such great shape. I am, what are you way right now? Below 250. Below 250. I was 250 when I left for the tour and I've lost weight. I've lost weight on the tour.

I know I did. How do you know you did? I want a beer. Okay. Do we have beer in there in Adav? I don't know. It's a whole good check. I'm below 250. I bet I'm-

When you say I know I did. You mean you feel like you did? No, I know I did. I know I did. You saw it. No, no, no. It's just like- So I have this belt. So I have a belt that I bought at this really great store.

I forget the name of the store. This is the one where you're like, you know when you're 253 or something, you're like, I'm 253 because I know this is the loop for this belt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like this belt I bought and it was, and at 253 it was tight.

Like it was, that's, as I gained weight, I couldn't sit with the belt on. And so I'd have to take the belt off. The last night there, my pants were sliding off me, and the belt, I needed to put new holes in the belt. I went, okay, I lost weight. So you might be, you're down like 10 pounds then. I'm down. Yeah, probably. No, yeah, probably. I'm gonna, I'm gonna, oh, we do have beers. well, there goes my workout today. You know what? Yeah, smart.

Good call. This beer's been here for what, nine months. Probably a while. The, no, oh, look at that, look at that, look at that. Wow. Do you love that part? Yeah, yeah. I have a couple beers and then I'll just work my way

into something. Yeah. Maybe lift some weights today. It's a good plan. I'm gonna have an anxiety, so I, you know, if this will fix it. Yeah. Yeah, this won't double it down.

Then I wake up tomorrow and screaming anxieties I go to the air, but dude, taking everyone on a private jet, it's a fucking blast. It's a fun thing, yeah. It was like to watch everyone be like, you know, it was fucking nice. Big Jago's, every time I get on one of these,

I don't feel like I belong on it. And I go none of us do. Yeah, yeah. None of us do. Yeah. You're must taking a big one, right? Yeah, we took the, we had a flight attendant and everything. Nice.

Yeah. Nice. I. Nice. I thought, can I tell you, I'm so jealous you did an episode with Ron White. He was fucking awesome. He was, it was such a great episode. You actually, I must have knew it today in the sauna. Yeah.

He is so fucking good. So good. I can't do the girl I can't kill. Yeah, that was such a great bit. I was like, aww. He had so many like epic lines in that thing. It was awesome. I know, we could have kept going forever on that.

Yeah, and I was a little upset like at the, at the chicanery that goes on, whenever I want to smoke a cigar, you're like, no. And then Ron's like, can we smoke in the air? And you're like, you literally, Nadav, can we be, take a fucking, you're like, no. And then Ron's like, can we smoke in the air? And you're like, you literally, Nadav, can we take a fucking, Tom's like, I don't know, can we? Like, like asking around, I'm like, what fucking cuck are we watching on TV today?

And you're like, Nadav, are we not smoking in the air? And Nadav's like, ah. Yeah, she fell Tom, like. Yeah, I mean, but that's how it is though, right? Like, guys like, you know, older than you, he's a legend, he's like, I, this would make me feel happier. I was like, okay.

Are you still smoking? Sometimes. Yeah. I mean, I enjoy it. Cigars. I had a cigar last night. I gotta stop talking. I saw you, I think I didn't see you without a cigar

in any photo. We had a, we had a, our green room is outdoors. So I was like, I'm gonna fuck a cigar before I go on stage. Yeah. The day when Jay or smoking cigarettes. How long did you have to, how long do you have to do sets? Where sets?

Everyone did 20 and I did 45. Yeah. And then, I mean, I guess I can share it now because it's already happened, but then we close on the national anthem. Oh my god. We all sing the national anthem and then fireworks go off behind us. It's so great.

I had to go to people and go. Are you comfortable singing the national anthem? They're like, huh? I was like, I have a bit where Tom sucks my cock. Yeah. And then he sings the national anthem. Eye sucker cock? Yeah.

This is the bit. It's hard. I don't know. I don't think I'll be able to use it on the, it's a good, it's a good closer. It's a good closer. So, how do I, why do I suck it? I don't know, man.

You're just, in the bit, you're just good at it. It gets such a pop. I bet. When I bring your name, if you guys, oh man, I fucking... The best was that I was sent pictures of you. And you're like, you look like you have quintuplets inside of you. And then so he's like, this guy's calling you fat on stage. This guy's calling you fat on stage. Jesus Christ.

Oh, motherfucker. I need, man, I can't wait to get off the road and get some fucking help. I need this toward a wrap-up and then I'm going to focus. I'm gonna get so jacked for my special Yeah, I'm going to be it's going to be distracting my shoulders. It's already distracting like if you look at me You go my shoulders are fucking perfect. I mean perfect when I do this It's all muscle. I mean I'm fucking so jacked right now. Oh Yeah I mean, I'm fucking so jacked right now, Tom. Yeah. That's the thing I hear the most about you. Oh, fucking, hey. I got it all, Tom.

Yeah, I got it all. A beautiful body. Yeah, I'm in love. My kids have a good, with Leanne. Oh, my relationship with my kids is working out. Good. Yeah, I got it all, buddy. I got it all.

Yeah. I mean, where do you go from here? I'm dead. Yeah. This is when you die. This is, I got, it's gotta be, right? Yeah. It's gotta be.

It's perfect. It's really good. I got two beautiful dogs. I think you're gonna say daughters. No, don't. No. Two. I got two beautiful daughters also.

I got two beautiful daughters also. But lead with the dogs, lead with the dogs. My dogs are gorgeous. My dogs are gorgeous. Gorgeous dogs. Yeah, I got it all. Yeah, yeah. I got nothing to complain about.

I got no complaints in life. That's awesome. It's crazy. I need to do something good. I saw you'd give some money to the children's hospital or something. Yeah. Yes.

What was that? You put on a cop? I did not look like a cop. You look like an undercover cop. I just worked his way up before and solves mysteries now. And comes into the office, put a picture at Tom giving his money away. Who makes that a cop? Who makes his money away. That does not-

Who makes that, I fucking- That was not a cop look. Comedian Tom Scuras, look at you. How is that a cop? You look like a lieutenant. Looks like a lieutenant. Is that you with the mask on? Yeah, they made me wear that.

They made me wear that. It was a children's hospital. You gave you fucking 10 grand and I can't show you fucking pearly wipes. 40 grand, 40 fucking grand. Yeah. Look at that, that's fucking ridiculous. Show the. They they don't let you because it's children's hospital Oh, oh that doesn't make sense. So they had the mask Here's 40 grand everyone's got COVID good luck in now the masks were before COVID. Why do you do this?

Why do I do what you do this a lot? Because I just felt like children's hospital hospital though, that's your thing. Yeah, because I found out, so like when I started to do well, I was like, oh, you know, you have a like, I bear some responsibility to, you know, I wanted to do something charitable. And that's the thing, I was like, oh, there's like a million charities, right?

And then the first thing that happens is you look up. There's some horsehit ones too. Lesson things, you look up some of the big names, I won't say them, but some of the names of well-known things. And the first thing you see is there'll be an article like, this was a, they siphoned money, you should've said, you're like, oh shit. So then there's a thing called charity navigator.

So it's a site that basically rates and ranks charities. Oh, no, no, no, no. Oh, that stinks. No, I wanted to be better. I want you to tell your interests. Things like, I want an app where I tell about myself. And then it goes, oh, you should be giving the dot, dot, dot. Yeah, but that would be fun, right?

That's what I mean. Yeah. Yeah, that would be fun. But I, you're like like single mothers battered women How would that be an interest of yours? No, like you just tell like or or if it took your your like all your You know how like sometimes you'll see pop-up ads based on what you've Googled. Yeah, if it was like, Amen We know your footprint your digital footprint. Yeah battered women better women Single mothers battered women. Oh no, so I your footprint, your digital footprint. Yeah. Badard women. Badard women. Single mothers, battered women,

homeless women. Put your money there. Yeah. No, I just found that here's what's, it's called Starlight Children's Foundation, but here's what's awesome. So their whole thing is they try to make the stays for sick kids and their families easier

and like a better, like, you know, if you're, the kid obviously you're sick, you're in the hospital. If you're that family and they're, I don't know if I can have this conversation. They're underinsured or not insured, so they can't afford things. And the kid is like, you know, it's miserable to be there.

What they do is they try to just make it more fun for kids, so they'll get like VR headsets. They'll do, they'll find gown gown, they'll partner with a company instead of giving like a hospital gown, it'll be a gown of like a sports team or like a Marvel character. So that the kid is like, oh, you know, look what I got. You know, it's like a superhero instead of just like a gray gown.

Things like that and they just try to make the whole experience better. So when I read that, I was like, this is a good one to get behind. That's why I found them. Okay, so then I need, I gotta find a fucking charity now. You can go to that too. I just had an overwhelming sense of clarity of like how lucky I am versus how someone's just, someone's like just,

just some kids having the fucking, all right. Let's find a charity for me I played video games. Will you hang out you hung out and everything? I played video games with two kids in the You yeah, talk to the people and stuff Like what do you do? I can you're the hardest person to talk to in the fucking world What are you doing? You're like hey Johnny? What do you mean mean I'm the hardest person to talk to? You're fucking, you're like, mm-hmm. Is my Starbucks here? Okay. Like you're not,

That's your impression of me? I don't, I don't, like you know for a fact, they probably have to make me leave, right? Cause I like, I'm like over, I'm over the top on every day. I stayed for hours, for real? Hours. Jesus. I played a video game with a quadriplegic kid

who they have, he can move his chair with his chin. He can move the chair with, he goes like this and it moves the chair like that. And he's starting to regain some control in one of his hands so they give him a pad so he can, and he does like this with his hand. Yeah? Yeah, okay, all right.

Yeah, and he talked shit to me the entire time. He's serious? Yeah, I like this kid. Yeah, and I was cool with it for like a minute and then I was like, I'll rip your hook and ask the part dude. So, yeah I was cool with it for like a minute, and then I was like, I'll rip your huck an ass apart, dude. So, yeah. So you do this in Austin?

I did, yeah. They ordered, well, they didn't, I find out I was like, he's like, I was playing with him and a 11 year old girl. I was like, what do you guys like? And they were like, we like, check him, McNuggets. And I was like, oh yeah?

So I had McNuggets delivered, like I post, you know, a door to ash or whatever. Yeah. And then I didn't let them know. And then there was another girl, I was like, I didn't let them know, but I was like, on my way out, I was like, those nuggets will be here soon. And I didn't go, you know, cheap, I go fucking big.

So I got you at 20 piece, and I got you at 20 piece, and then I turned to that kid, and I got you one nugget. He was like, are you serious? I was like, yeah. I go, you talk shit to me, you get one fucking nugget. Yeah. Yeah.

Did you get a one? No. I. Yeah. Yeah. Did you get a one? No. I fucking screwed. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh wow.

Yeah. So you used to give the children a hospital in LA too. Yeah, I did it there too. Your dad do that? Something like that too. He did a lot of volunteer work and he did like fundraising campaigns for like, he did it for United Way. He was involved with the hospital.

Your dad's name, Tom also? Yeah, Thomas, yeah. Yeah, I saw an article one time about your dad and I thought it was you. Oh, no, he did a lot of like philanthropic thing. I didn't, I don't know, I wonder if my dad gives it charity. I also give to World Central Kitchen. They're fucking awesome too.

What's that? That's Jose Andres's company that they go wherever there's... I don't know, Jose Andres. He's a world famous chef. But that company is amazing. So right now they're in the Ukraine and right on the border feeding refugees. But whenever there's a hurricane, a tornado, any natural disaster, they actually go to that place.

So do you get up and like, I think we live very different lives. No, I mean, I'm sober right now. Do you get up and go like, hmm, I'm gonna put on a colored shirt and sit in my office and go, I'm gonna do some stuff today. Like, what are you, like, I don't even know how this would come across my, this wouldn't even come across me.

Like I would never, I never think about like going like, I know Leanne gives, we give money and stuff to things, but like things. Yeah, but I don't even know what it is. Like Leanne does it. But I, but I don't think about, I think I think about me a lot. I don't think about like, when you say that about the families of the kids, then I go, fuck me. How come I didn't think about that?

I just didn't come across here, but you know about it now? Yeah, but I know, but I'll probably forget. Yeah, after this one, maybe. All right. All right. Okay. All right. Let's do some good today. Okay.

Let's do some good. How can I raise money to give to somebody? Oh, easy. What? Call your business manager and just tell him to write a check. I should call my business manager. Business manager and you tell them to write a check I mean you have a fucking like a two-week. This is how it works comedy festival with your name on it just write a check Yeah Check seems a little like impersonal just to be like, hey, you're 40 grand.

No, they're happy with it, believe me. Yeah. To give this same, I should find someone. No, no, you should do, you should hit them up and give 41,000. Yeah. Is it bad if I just, and then do I gotta, go play video games and stuff?

No, no, they were, they gave me an award. So they, they, they, You get an award doing this? Yeah. I'm in go play video games and stuff. No, no, they gave me an award. So they- You get an award doing this? Yeah. I'm in. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I'm fucking much, I'm gonna fucking love that.

What do they give you, like, a nice guy a year or something? That was the thing I was holding, you know? So wait, you, oh, okay, see, you call him up. How did this work? You just go, you just go, hey, you call the front desk. I think they might hang up. If you're doing this, hey, I got 40 grand. I want to give you. No, no, no, no. Can you line up an award for me? No. I mean, they don't give you like, what's the price point on the award?

Because I want an award. If I get like 80 grand, do I get like a fucking statue in my name? Probably. No, I had no idea. It wasn't. like a fucking statue in my name? Probably. No, I had no idea. It wasn't. On a knee stroking a child's head. I just. Like a bronze statue when you walk in, you're like, who's that guy?

You're like, that's percreture. He's stroking a child's head. Yeah, he's so generous. So you called up, you go, hey. No, I didn't call up anybody. They called you. Yes. And they're, wow. They called you and they're like go Tom. Yeah

Do you want to give us some money? No? No? No? No, I just donated hold on start off in the beginning. Okay Some lady named Sharon calls you up. No, no, no, let me start from the beginning. Okay The beginning is me just saying I want to donate to this organism. Okay, all right, so we'll start. We'll start, okay. I'm Burkyshire, I want to donate to an organization. Keep going. Okay. Then I sent in the donation. Oh, right.

Like in one check? I think a couple checks. Like I did like one month, I gave like 10 grand. The next, like, Okay, you can do it in installments. Well, it's just, no, it wasn't like, I wasn't trying to get to a number. It's like when you got it,

when would rent a couch and like, I wasn't trying to get to a number. I was just like doing like this, like I'm just sending this in. And then I did it again, and then I did it again. And then out of nowhere, I get a message. Okay, all right. Wanna recognize your charitable gift.

I'm just being very clear. Yeah. I want, I'm doing one lump sum and I want the award. I'm not gonna do it in installments, one lump sum, and an award bigger than his. You want it to the same organization? Yup, and an article. I need an article written about me,

and I need, no, no, no, I want to do something different, right? Oh, I don't know. I don't want to go to... I don't know, I'm just asking. I don't wanna go to a drive-flight to Austin play fucking video games. I wanna stay home and play video games. You can do it here in LA. Yeah.

There's a hospital here. I do a Tampa. Okay. Yeah, Tampa, that way, like. You just say, like, no, I wanna go to Austin, I wanna go a fucking another 50 out of my ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but it's, look, here's the deal about giving money.

You, no one does it. You only do it to feel good about yourself, right? Like it's a reward for yourself. No one gives money when it hurts. No one's like, no one's like, I'm donating all my money and no one can't live. Like, right? Well, no.

Yeah. I mean, it's like a thing, so you feel good. So you want to pay off, right? I mean, I didn't think they would be being like, would you please come and give me, no, I didn't donate, knowing that even existed. Well now that we know what exists. Yeah.

Tampa, I want an award. Okay. Hit me up, someone in Tampa, right? Right. And then because you said lump sum, is there an amount you're definitely donating? No, no, this is dangerous. It's fuck right now. What's it? Let's do this. Let's wait. Wait. Why can't you just say I'll donate this?

Because I don't know. I don't know how much money I have. I don't know. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You know you could be like I'll donate 50 grand to this. I don't have 50 grand. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? What the fuck are you talking about? I, what the fuck are you talking about? I don't have like, I can't just go like, Fitty Grand, I'm okay. Yes, you can. I'm, hold on, let me call the man.

You know what she's gonna do? Stop fucking talking, we already get fucking money. The fuck is you doing, fool? You gonna give away dad is farm. I like the way I do it, impression of her. You told me that, why? Because I make her sound like a fucking imbred redneck. Him-hole, him-hole, ham-bone.

Do you get money back when you donate money? To get like a kickback or something? No. You get a tax right off. Are you do? Well, yeah. Oh, great. Yeah.

So whatever I pay in tax, I just give it charity. You kid. Are you being serious? Yeah. Why didn't everyone do that? Call your business manager. Why didn't everyone do that? Good question. Call your business manager.

So you've... I called my polar plugs guy, I drove last night. No, don't call him. I called my polar plugs guy, I drove last night. No, don't call him. I called my polar plugs guy, I drove last night. Hey, Bert. Hey, Bert.

Hey, Bert. Hey, Bert. Hey, Bert. Hey, Bert. Hey, Bert. Hey, Bert. Hey, Bert. Hey, Bert. Hey, Bert. Hey, buddy. How you doing? Good, man. How are you? Good, good. Hey, do we give money to charity? I'm sorry, say it again. Never mind, there's a bad question. Wait up.

Who is it? Leo, can I say hi? Hey, hang on. Tom will say hi to you. Hey, Leo. How are you? Good, man. How are you?

I'm doing well. Thank you. So I'm, you're on the podcast right now, just so you know. Okay. And we can edit this out if it doesn't go well. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We like, like, Bert said, we can edit this out if it doesn't go well. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, like Bert said, we can edit this out. So we're talking about charitable giving.

Yes. So I have a couple questions for you. Number one, if somebody owes, let's say, we'll just, for the sake of this conversation, let's say they owe $100,000 in taxes, right? Okay. If they were to donate X amount, $50,000 in taxes, right? Okay. If they were to donate, um, X amount, $50,000, that applies towards, like, that's a tax right off,

is that correct? Well, it's not dollar for dollar. It's not dollar for dollar. Right, but it'll reduce your taxable income. It'll reduce, okay. Yeah, so if you're paying a hundred grand on however much you owe it taxes, you reduce that taxable

amount by the amount you pay in charitable donations. Okay. And it'll reduce down the amount that you then owe in taxes. Okay. So it's not dollar for dollar. I'm going to find out if I'm already in the red. Okay. This is the next thing.

So I gave it to this organization, Starlight Children's Foundation. And they gave me an award, you know. And they gave me an award. You did it for the award. All right, that's fair. Bert is now, he's very upset that he wants to be recognized and he wants an award. So I said, why don't you just pledge an amount of money,

like just say right now and he goes, I don't know how much money I have, I go, well, yeah, but you could say, hey, I'll give 50 grand to some organization. He goes, I don't have that kind of money sitting around and I go, shut the fuck up. What's the name of that? I can't confirm or deny.

Right. But I do know that he may remember that he has a terrible foundation. You should see his face. I do. He does? What's it called? What's it called? What's it called? Yeah.

The Chrysher Family Foundation. And real? And so wait, he can donate to that, and then that donates to other charities. Is that the way that works? We're asking if he has money in that foundation, and he can add to it whenever he wants to. And go, I give rewards to people?

I mean, it wouldn't be official in any way whatsoever, but you can make up whatever award you want. Now, Leah, let's go out on a, I mean, I know this is going to be real tough and you know, you have to protect your client, but if he were to like really buckle down, maybe sell some things, he could probably scrap together 50 grand, right? It may be tough, but we can talk offline about that, but I maybe be able to. Okay. That's what it's for. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I mean, like he's got bone marrow blood, seamen.

He could sell some shit. Okay. Good. Good. Risk cars may be included. Wow. I forgot. I spent $100,000 on a race car. All right. Great. Hey, Leo, I'll pass you back to your client. Great speaking with you.

Here you go. Here you go. All right, I'll talk to you later. Sounds good. All right, bye. Yeah, so I gotta findation, dude. I can tell you're really active with it. I think it's liand of everything.

I don't know. I'm not, I'm not, I don't have the brain that everyone else has. Like when I watch, like, that, so that article of you donating money, it came across my actual news feed, like in my news feed. I was like, the fuck, man, like you, I don't even have a blazer.

Like, you're, you're a blazer, I don't even have a blazer. Like, I'm looking at you going like, it makes me feel like a child, because I go, how did he even know who to give money? Like what, like your dad must have sat you down and say, buddy, this is how the world works, right? No, you get to a certain place, you gotta give,

like, no, no, but it was implied. I mean, it was more like, by example, like he was just like, once you're, you know, you have a responsibility to do things like that, but he wasn't like, you need to do that. So do you think I have to give it in the state I live in no dude no I'll throw some money in Tampa Like some chicken one is a hook up of me when like one time. There's a nurse or something

She'll be in the foundation or should be in the hospital and they'll be like go Birds coming through he's getting a word. She'd be like, shall the fuck up. the fuck up. I'll just roll deep. I'm like, oh yeah. Yeah, I remember you. You should have, you should have, you should have, grab the brass ring when you had a shot. Yeah, but you didn't, you fucked up. I'm playing video games with kids.

Hahaha. This is how your brain works. Yeah, crazy. Yeah, it's, but it's, I'm so selfish. Like, I'm, but I'm not, not selfish, but like I'm so selfish. Like, I'm not selfish, but like I'm so, you know, this is why that tour was, I love alcohol. This is good montage stuff. This is why that whole was good for us.

For me and George, because it's so beautiful. George, because it's so beautiful. Yeah. Shh. Shh. Shh. Um, I have a meeting today. What's your meeting? I don't know.

I'm leaning into being the like, like after watching Ron White, I was like, yeah, he's like, see Ron White's like a grown up. Totally. Yeah. Like he talks about money and stuff. I really honestly, I honestly, he actually sat with your agent and he asked me how much money I was making. Yeah.

And I do not know. I do not know what I made this year. But you could find out in a quick call. I could find out. I just have no fucking idea. But that's not that bad. You know how much you're working. I mean, you know, I know, here's the thing.

Is I know that I'm putting money away. Like I know that I'm stashing cash. That's why my brain works. That's great. And then I go, don't focus on the money. He just focus on the work. And let everyone else worry about the money. Because, but you should, by the way,

I think that's a really good philosophy. You should also know. You should make that call and be like, but when you knew how much money you were making, I went, no. And then you knew how much money I was making. And I was like, I don't know, I had no fucking clue. Like you guys were, it's like, I don't,

but here's the thing, is I think I really, I wonder if I thought about other people for if I'd have less anxiety. That's a really insightful thought on your part. Because so like this, I mean, not to like, but this conversation started with me saying how great my life was. Yeah. And you are in the same position. Your number one bestseller. Your, your boys are healthy. Beautiful boys. You're in love with your wife, you have fucking two of the top 10 podcasts in the country. Like you're killing it, right?

You probably have the number one comedy tour in the country without a doubt, I'd say right now. But you're thinking of other people instead of yourself. You're thinking like how can, there's someone that's got it bad. I got it so good that we help them have it better. And I'm just thinking about me. Like I'm just going like,

do we, honestly, I'm wondering how many more beers are left in the fridge. Like that's where my brain is right now. Yeah, but you're also self-aware enough to make this observation. So you're not, you're not as, Oh, I give, I give money all the time. What am I talking about?

I get drunk and go on, go find me. Yes. I'm giving out, man, I got one Oh, I give money all the time. What am I talking about? I get drunk and go on GoFundMe's. I've given up, man, I got one night, I got fucking wasted and gave out like $13,000 on GoFundMe's. Jesus. Yeah, and Leanne's like, he thinks someone stole a credit card and I was like, oh no, no, that was me.

Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Yeah. I'm still waiting on this woman. She's pregnant with a kid. I invested in her in VTTro and then I got in trouble because everyone was like dude You gave money to someone who's trying who's just trying to get pregnant. I was like, yeah Yeah, I was like fuck it right yeah, but I think I might have left a message saying I am leading the most amount of money You better name this kid

I'm leaving the most amount of money. You better name this kid. You ever get the emails on the GoFundMe's? Yeah. I love those emails where you catch up with them and see what they're doing now. Yeah, that's pretty cool. Yeah. Yeah. But I think you're actually self-aware enough to know

that you're not as bad as you're painting yourself to be right now. Yeah, I'm not. No. I just, I really think about me a lot. Yeah, you do. Yeah, you're very, you are, you're wrapped up in yourself, but I think. I mean, I think about me all the time.

Yeah, then you also realize most people, most people do as well. You're not like alone in that. I remember Barry Katz, one time told me, I was, I had a bad set for a showcase. Mm-hmm. And I was like, Hey man, I need to get up in front of those people again.

And he goes, I think you're overestimating how much people think about you. I was like, what? And he was like, who have you been thinking about today? And I said, me. And he goes, that's what most people do. They think about themselves. Right.

He's right. Like, if you think priests, like, I wonder if I could give my, what are what, let's do a massive overhaul when I get off this tour of yourself? Yeah. Why don't you go to like a rehab? Yeah, but I mean like a cleansing type of,

There's this place in Malibu, I've been looking at. Yeah, there's, and you go up, I'm definitely taking Xanx, but you go up, I'm not gonna go fucking sober. Like, here's the deal. I wanna just go, I wanna be like, I wanna go to rehab where they do like, weed and white one. I think that's a different place, but yeah. You wanna go to like a wellness retreat.

Let's not call it yeah, right right right I'm not just gonna fucking rehab. I'm like dude. No, no, no, no You are you watching the shit band more Jarrah's going through now It's like he's escaped from rehab and then they caught him and like I don't want that shit I'm paying for it. I'm paying for it. Yeah, the escapes the fun board. Yeah, yeah I see that guy get shot. You did see that in the neck. And that crazy. It's squirt.

It squirt so much. And then he collapses and then you see his leg. Just the first thing that goes, I'm gonna be like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He was shot in the fucking neck.

Yeah, point blank. It's amazing how far the body could go without knowing it was about to be dead. Yeah. He was the one who was trying to rob the place too. It's crazy that you can just walk into a Walmart and just grab all the shelf thing and walk out and they don't stop you anymore.

Right. Yeah. It's crazy. Because fucking everybody's scared of someone pulling a piece on him. Are you strapped? I just bought a AK-47 That's that wasn't what I was at, but yeah, okay. I got to pick that up today. You got to pick it up today. Yeah, why'd you get an AK-47? I was drunk I wasn't thinking I wasn't thinking I was I wasn't thinking This is just gonna be above the man or where you gonna put it.

I have no idea, I don't want it. I'm afraid to walk out of the store with it because it's an assault rifle. Yeah, I'm familiar with them. It's just, it texted you when I bought it. Yeah, I was buying, I bought weed that day, I bought like a thousand dollars for the weed. And I was just drove by and I saw my gun store.

I was like, oh shit, I haven't seen those guys in a while. So I walked in. I was like, I kind of want to get a gun. They're like, we got you. They sold it to me quick as fuck. Liam was in the car and happened in like five minutes. And then yeah, and then I, they were like, you know, it's waiting period.

Thank God there's a waiting period. Yeah. By the way, this is probably not the conversation we should be talking about in America right now, is assault rifles and me buying one. I bet there's people that are like, I was a fan up until then, dude. Well, for sure.

Yeah. How much are you looking forward to spending time with your family? I mix up it on tour, crazy. You've been on tour. Like crazy. You've been working like bird hours. It really nuts. You've been on tour. Like crazy. You've been working like bird hours. It really nuts. You get sick every fucking week.

Well, no, I didn't for like, for a while. I only got sick, I got sick once in January. And then I made it through like basically. You were sick when you did the podcast wrong way. But I'm trying to tell you like, so January, I got sick. I made it through February and March. And I was like, man, this is like, we were talking about it toward the like,

you're getting sick way less than on your last tour. And I get in April, I get a brutal one. And I come here and I shoot that thing, remember that I fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. By the way, I can't believe I know nothing about that. And I'll tell you, I was sick the entire time. I mean, I was sick for 16 days, I counted.

And then I fucking get better. I was sick the entire time. I mean, I was sick for 16 days, I counted. And then I fucking get better and then four weeks later get sick again. And then when I'm coming out of that sickness, I got food poisoning from a restaurant that was fucking brutal. Really? Throwin' up and shit.

What did you eat? Dude, here's the, I'll tell you this. We went to a top tier restaurant, which is the, like you always go like, that would be like street food or something. One of the nicest restaurants in this city, I don't wanna sell them out, but we go to a really nice restaurant.

And it's why it had to be this. Everybody has different dishes. It's not quite tasting menu, but sort of like smaller plates. So they're like order like four from this menu And I ordered two things that nobody else had one of them was this salad that had had asparagus strawberries and a lump crab and I'm like man how recent was this?

Pretty recently He's the thing strawberries. I thought's the thing that... Strawberries. I thought it was the lump crab. Nope, it's strawberries. It was strawberries. Really? Yeah, there was a huge fucking recall on strawberries. Bro, I was...

Salmonella. I was so violently ill. Dude. And here's the thing, I had another dish in nobody had, but the funny thing is when I talk about the salad, like when I would... I would retell you, I would feel nauseous talking about the salad, and I was like, it had to be that.

It's, yeah, I guarantee it was strawberries. Really? There was a strawberry, there was a huge recall on strawberries, and I only know that because we drive by this place that sells fresh fruit, every, like, whenever I'm with the girls, whatever, and they fresh fruit, so we go to the stand,

and I buy strawberries, and I had not had strawberries and forever and I ate maybe a pound of strawberries and Georgia comes in the next morning crying laughing as she goes how long has it been since you had a strawberry I go I mean I probably had an strawberry and fucking five years and she goes you ate a lot yesterday huh I was like yeah she goes read this headline and it was like, recall on strawberry. He's like, oh, are you fucking getting me? But did you get sick? I think it's sick. It was so sick. I mean, dude, I haven't had food poisoning like that in, I don't, like decades. And it was like, I was just, and it was the rare,

rare time. Because you know, I've been touring like, I go out Wednesday and there's show, Wednesday and then next city Thursday and then and Saturday and Sunday and I fly back and then do it all over. It was one of the rare times where I had an off day between shows and that's the day I got sick. So we went home like we went we did our show eight. Go back to the hotel. I'm throwing up and shitting all night. And then we have to get on a bus to go to the next city and we don't have a show that night. So thankfully I was able to just rest for like 24 hours.

But it was brutal, man. The night I got food poisoning or alcohol poisoning, whatever I did to myself. Alcohol poisoning, whatever the day I was throwing up in front of my tour bus. By the way, no one's gotten that video. I'm so shocked. Yeah.

That has fucked my voice up until this day. I've heard, um, I heard you, like, you actually don't sound that bad now, but when a day or two ago, you were posting a video, you sounded terrible. I sound it's so bad. And, uh, and it, it, it, the thing I'm saying about Georgia is she got to see my life. Yes. And she got to see number one. it's like I'm very taken care of. Like, you know, like, hey, someone got me a beer, that kind of shit. Well, I do that when I go home.

Well, I'm like, I need water and some, and everyone's like, go eat yourself a fucking water. And it really upsets my daughters. Really? Oh, yeah. I'll be on the couch. I'll be like, hey, do me a favor. Go over there, grab it. Like, it's just like I'm on the bus

Yeah, like where you'll Peter. Where's my Rogan and I'll be like oh it's like Peter keeps a Rogan in his backpack for me For you's so for Georgia to see it. Yeah was like oh Understand why you're so broken you have a lot of people that take care of you Yeah, and you and so that wasn't, but it was fun, is that she saw them that I actually work. Like she saw that I, that like my day starts and no one stops asking me questions until three in the morning is when the last time I get to, and she was like, she was literally kind of blown away. She's like, you, this is really hard. And I was like, she was literally kind of blown away. She's like, this is really hard.

And I was like, oh yeah. She's like, I think part of it was like, I can't believe you, party like this and do it. Yeah, I think that's most people. Yeah, I would love to do it. I would love to do it the way you do it. My cronin came out and he's the best. He really is.

He was so fucking funny. He came out and the one we did the yum center, him, he was at the, he was texting me. He was like uh you're killing my ticket sales yeah yeah it's like to be the same thing and he came out and hung out with us and he was like who's like oh this is a fucking party he was telling me about a story where uh it made me laugh so hard because I've been there where you get invited you got invited I won't say the name of the place or anything but you got invited to a restaurant so like we'd love to have you for dinner. Oh, yeah

They said we'd love to host you host you and like please come with your team and we were like all right It happens a lot when you're a comic and it's Awesome and you I have I'm gonna tell you how it works, okay? The chef will say I'm a huge fan. I'd love to have you for dinner. Immediately what you do, you go there and you say, all right, just send out whatever you want to send out. Tasting menu, whatever you're gonna do. Then they do that, they bring out the bill.

The bill says zero dollars charged, but you leave a nice tip, you leave like, whatever you would have paid for the bill, you leave for a tip for the waiter. Tom goes. The restaurant gives him a check. Here's the thing. I've only had that other experience.

And let me tell you something. I tip fucking huge, okay? Yeah, huge. Whatever we would have spent on dinner, we'd give to the waiter. I give him a, so, but the funny thing is, when they tell us, we do this show, and then, you know, we find out, and they're like, oh, people, we tell people,

they're like, it's a great restaurant. We go there, they have a private room, which is like what they do a lot of times, and there's already things set out. Like, appetizer trays, and we're like, wow, we do that, what do you guys want to eat? And they bring, and they bring the wine, and then at the end they go and here's the check.

And I was like, thank you. By the way, just so we were clear, I didn't pick this restaurant. Yeah, you said, you said. Come here. And we'd love to have you. Awesome. Thank you.

We went, I think we were in Durham, North Carolina and we went to a restaurant that they hosted us at to this day, my mouth water is what I think about this. Do you remember the name? No, I don't even know if it was Durham. I feel like it was because, I don't know. Yeah, I just was in that area, and I had an amazing meal too.

When are you going to Europe in Australia? Did you just go to Australia? Australia is January? Really? Yeah. The artisan out. We've added a number of shows. Can I tell you the bit I wanted to do?

Sure. The bit. So you said to Ron, I love that episode of Ron White. It's fucking awesome. He? Here's the thing. You know how you go? I got the full day of Italian experience on

your tour. Like, I was so, I'm, you can see I'm giddy. You are giddy. And I had so much, he over delivered the Ron White experience. And it's so much so that I actually said, next time I go to Austin, I'm going to text Ron and see if I can put it off of them. I'm sure he would love that. Oh, he would love playing that.

He's sober, isn't that crazy? The guy that you... What the fuck is wrong with me? What? He just said, oh, he would love playing golf with me. Yeah. Oh, the fuck is wrong with me? No, Ron White, that was such a great episode.

So this is the bit I wanted to do. Cause you go, I'm gonna start this story, and if you don't want me to tell the rest, I'll edit it out. And I so badly, you're like so, I was talking to your old manager. And then I wanted Nidav so badly for you to clip it, and then just tell the end of the story and Tom goes, and then I held her under watering. That's it. And like, that was the bit. I was laughing so hard thinking that was it, but then it was a better story.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was laughing so hard thinking that was it, but then it was a good, better story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. If you could, if you got kicked out of this country, where would you wanna live? Oh, if I got kicked out of this country? Yeah, say you beat up push really bad.

That is... That is... That's not impossible. And they were like, you gotta flee. I mean, I'd go to the places where they'd welcome me with open arms. Syria. No, I would... Hey, hey, hey. We don't have a problem with that here.

It's fine, it's fine, funny guy. I mean, I think I would really enjoy. The two places I would love to go the most would probably be Paris, like live in France. Ooh, I wouldn't even think of that. Or, well actually three maybe. I love to spend time in Italy. And then I feel very, I mean, you know,

it's some comfort in Spain. So it would be Western Europe for sure. It would help me play in my Italy trip. Spain. So it would be Western Europe for sure. For sure. Help me play in my Italy trip. So I'm taking the girls to Italy. Nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, towards graduation present.

When are you going? August. I'm okay to say that, right? Yeah. Yeah, August. We're going to Italy. I want to do something. You mean Italy.

Italy. I want to do something r You mean Italy. Italy. I want to do something razzle dazzling, like you would do on a trip. Because like my trip's going to be, you know, let me grow a drink. Yeah. I'll hit me up. I got some ideas for you. Do you have it all mapped out where you're going yet?

Yeah. How long is the trip going to be? Trip is 10 days. Great. 10 days. I want to do something razzle dazzling. I was thinking about, I was thinking, the long is the trip gonna be? Trip is 10 days. Great. 10 days, I wanna do something razzle dazzling. I was trying to, I was thinking about, I was thinking the problem is they're all, except for Isla, they're all sensible.

Well, just, Georgia and Leanne are very practical. So, at one point I was like, I was like, I wanna do something special. So we're going to the, I think we're going to, the Amalfi coast at one point. Yeah, I was like, I wanna get like a yacht for the day. Yeah, and but Leanne's not fun to spend money with because she goes yeah, you've really you've really you've really like driving that point home You're like it's no fun to do anything. She's just like she's I don't know there's

You can't get like I want the old school, the end, like the, like, the, the, the sluttier version, like the, the one I met where it was like, things were dangerous and they were fun. Yeah. Sometimes she just gets like, and like, like, this trip's expensive and so that's where her brain is. So if I spend extra money, she's like, well,

we didn't need that. Well, yeah, but that's what you're going to have fun. That's it's like this is our last run as a family. Like George goes to college and it's just fucking Leanne and Ila. Yeah, that's fun. Just kind of gone. Yeah. Are you excited for this? Or do I? Very excited. I'm more excited for this. I'm more excited for this than anything because Ila said the drinking agent Italy is 15. I mean, is that true? Can you Google it? She Googled it.

Yeah, trying to have the drinking agent. What is the drinking agent? Wine and beer when you're 15 Italy. Yeah. 18. Yeah. Hover strictly and however, it's not strictly enforced. Yeah, there you go.

Maybe I just fucking told it to me. Can you drink at 15 minors? And then a legal of Perkins, who I'm out on a bar restaurant, however. Yeah, although it's very unlike you for a restaurant or a server or card to someone who appears younger than that, when they are drinking with their parents.

So yeah, you guys need to get wasted with them. Oh, really? I want to do it. I do. Oh, yeah. I wanted to get, I'm not that parent. Like I'm not the parent that can let them drink, right? I'm not. So on this tour, George, we got the party bus.

I so badly wanted to be the parent that was like, hey, here's a, you know, whatever, here's a drink. Here's a drink. I can't be that parent, I'm not that parent, like, because I just go, and there's all of Georgia's friends' parents are like that. They're all like, yeah, I have a beer, whatever, you know, not a deal. I could not be that parent, I feel like a,

I feel like a lame-o, and then, and just being like, no, you can't smoke, weed, or drink, you gotta be sober. Yeah, I'm sure they did. I'm sure they got wasted on this tour. Yeah sure her and her friend there was a Drugs and alcohol everywhere. Yeah All right I'm not done what what I'm not done. I got a couple I love this

I love that we're in the old studio. It's fun. Yeah. I mean, I love our new studio. It's fun, but it's like, it's going to Austin, such a, like such an event for me, that it's sometimes I don't know if it's, this reminds me of how great, not that the podcast isn't as great as it was, but quarantine, when we had not spoken to anyone.

I know. We were not doing stand up. It was a time. And this was our treat. Yeah, it was. It was a treat. It was fun to do. And it was like every fucking week,

and it was just, and I wasn't drinking at the time. Yeah. Well, you know, we got a few coming up here. And you know what I think I'm going to do? What? I think it might bring in some razzle dazzle for the next one. For you?

Yeah, I'm gonna talk to the boys and we're gonna figure something out. Wait, what's on our next one? I don't know. We'll just, we'll look at the calendar. Cause we're gonna do a few more out of here. Hey, I so badly wish that I wasn't working today. I would love to go down and visit the boys. Oh yeah.

I would love to hold a appearance by Fat Stix. Fat Stix? I mean, I would love to hold a appearance by fat sticks. Fat sticks. I mean, I've even showed you a picture and I'm, I showed it to you. Do they remember living in LA? I mean, Ellis for sure. Yeah. Yeah, because he has, I mean, he went to school.

He's got, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I showed you a picture. I was like, Ellis, who is it? He goes, that's your friend. And I was like, what's his name? He was, um, and I was like, is it, that's who is it? It goes, that's your friend. I was like, what's his name? He was, um, I was like, is it fast-60? He goes, yeah, it's fast-60. It's so weird to watch people talk about you and George

and knows you as well as she does. Yeah. And then you can see her like, go, that's who he is. Like, you know, they're talking about you. You know, I don't think she knows that you're successful. I don't like she just has no frame of reference Yeah, I don't think I think this weekend when she saw like arenas or whatever she was like Huh, I've all on stage. Oh my god Do you want to hear the machine story for the first time? What do you mean for the first time the first time?

George heard the machine story like she get lucky. She hasn't heard that fucking thing. But she went this long without hearing it. Fuck. Oh. She'd never heard that story. She'd never let them hear it. She said they have to be 18 before you hear it. And they actually followed that room. And they followed heard of it, and they let them hear it. She said they have to be 18 before you hear it. And they actually followed that?

And they followed the rule. What did she think? And so then we're at the Yom Center. We're the night before, they're yelling for the machine, and I was like, I don't know, I'm not gonna tell it, and George's at the next day goes, wait, so you didn't tell that night before?

I didn't tell it, I didn't tell it. How did that feel? Aren't you like, I was rare for you? Yeah, it's fine. But it I feel I feel like I let everyone down I mean personally really yeah, because when we were when we were in Louisville Excuse me they started it's Louisville Louisville Louisville Louisville They started yelling for it. Yeah, and and I was like and by the way, it's like I'm following

probably the three Not three probably the seven most murderous sets. I've seen yeah, tele-Thomas and pop in that fucking yum center We're so big that we were like yeah, take the you know, let there be a long intermission. Yeah That when they were like killing out the machine. I was like oh, yeah, Georgia had said to me the day before I that day Churchill downs Someone said that when they were like, Kellan out the machine, I was like, oh yeah, and Georgia had said to me the day before that day, Churchill Downs. Someone said, if you ever heard the machine story, she said, no, I haven't heard it. I said, you haven't heard it.

She goes, my one let us listen to it. And I was like, oh, for real? You've never heard it? She's like, I mean, I know the story, but I don't know what it, I don't have never heard it. So I brought her on stage, and then I put her off to the side of the stage so she could hear, and I told the story to her and it was, it was, I was, trust me when you say like telling that story to

my daughter, I told the story great. Like I really, like I tell it, I give it a hundred percent every night but like telling it to George all my sides were to her. And so, I'm gonna get on stage, I think a tell goes, oh, what did you think of your dad's story? She goes, it's bullshit, right? He goes, he goes, what? Like, they're like, oh, she's like, that's not true.

There's no way that's fucking true, right? I go, yeah, it's true. And she goes, no, it's not. Yeah. Left. Yeah. It's paying for college. See, I love that whatever you say something, they're like, it's one of dad's stories.

Dad's stories. Dad's gonna tell you one of his stories right now. Yeah. She got to see though how I like, when I punch a story up, like anything. Yeah. I explained it to her this week. I said something about something we did and she goes,

well, it wasn't like that. And in the event, I was by Churchill Downs. Yeah. I was like, yeah, I was like, oh, it's fucking amazing. We had all these guys around. They all ripped their shirts off. We're down in the winter circle. We have to pat the horse.

And George is like, it was dead empty. Like, there was no one there. I was like, I need you to feel what I'm telling. She went, oh, okay. She's like, yeah, and then I tell the story again and George is times in, these guys ripped their shirt. And I was like, yeah, that's the fucking thing. She really understood comedy this week is,

and it was so nice to have her love those dudes. The love, I mean, she loved Taylor, she loved Dustin, she loved all the comics, all the comics, but the fact that she loved David Tell. Yeah, the love me. She loved Taylor. She loved Dustin. She loved all the comics all the comics But the fact that she loved David tell. Yeah, it's good and and Shane Gillis who her friends would fucking say you're not supposed to like right? Yeah, you know, whatever. He's dirty or he talks But I that was like the greatest gift. I yeah, I'm glad. I'm glad it was great, man It's fun to be back here. It's fun to be back here. I miss you buddy. I miss you a lot.

We'll do more of these soon. And that's it. Thank you guys for watching. Thank you for listening. Thank you for. We're back baby. We're back. Two bears won, K.

All day, every day. All day, every day. No scripts to be the booze amateur, for topology, dirty jokes, Rancho Humber, no apologies, here's what we call, two bears one cave.