2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 144 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: August 1, 2022

Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer are together in the bear cave again for this episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave. Bert starts off by discussing his fall the night before. and they watch a video of the incident. They also talk about queerbaiting in Thor: Love and Thunder, Daniel Craig, playing red rover, why Bert thought he might have to have a broken jaw, and Tom’s experience with a shady dentist. They wrap up by swapping scary stories of getting in trouble going through customs with their tour busses. https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://www.bertbertbert.com/bertyboytourhttps://store.ymhstudios.com/

We should a Queerbait for our podcast. Yeah, this shit is super gay. Dude, do you want to make out later? Okay. It's coming up. And then we don't make out. That's Queerbaiting. That next two bears live,

Bert's gonna blow me. 100% A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a- Whatever you're doing is working. You look amazing. I'm so strong right now. I talk to you yesterday and you go wait till you see me. And let me tell you something. It's not, I mean, first of all, okay, it's the small gains that are big gains. Right now, my stomach is two inches smaller.

My waist is an inch and a half smaller. My neck, when I stop drinking, my neck gets so much skinnier. Why did you stop drinking? I drank, I've been drinking recently, but I stopped drinking for a couple days and then that just shrinks it. Couple of days? I'm strong as fuck. You're a row, do you ever row?

I do the row exercise. Yeah Okay I'm really powerful. Are you I am how much power do you generate? I know my splits my my 500 meter splits is all I know okay, and so I'm I'm getting obsessed with it because that's I'm right now I'm as strong as I was I'm getting obsessed with it because that's I'm right now. I'm as strong as I was When I went to Serbia and that's the strongest I've ever been as an adult my bench press I'm doing a max out branch press this week and I'm thinking I might get 250. Hey, congratulations I'll be big for me. I was 35. I did do 35

But my rowing is like gotten and that's just just belly. You know, like getting your belly, getting past your belly is the hardest part of rowing. So you do the rowing machine? I do the rowing machine, yeah. I'm doing one 45 splits for 500 meters. But, and so it's, I mean, I just rode this morning. I fell last night, so I couldn't,

I was supposed to work out. Why did you fall? As a long story, Tom. It's a long story, but. Is drinking tide to falling? No, it's not. I mean, I drank, well no, I mean, I drank,

we, I went and had drinks at the improv, but then I went and saw a full fucking movie, didn't drink at the movies, ate a little fucking. Edible? No, no, no, no. No. Eat a little. There's so many complex parts to this story that I think I'll tell you what happened and then you can watch the video. Okay.

So first of all, I went to the improv last night, my buddies in town with this son of a teller telling you that. And I went to the improv last night so that I could, they wanted to watch comedy. So Spade was there, Dana Carvey was there, Taylor Tomlinson was there, so I was like, I'll bring them out, we'll see comedy. So we got a table, had a couple drinks at the table, but knew I was going to a movie with the girls. The way my brain works is, I can't party, party, party, and then just shut it off.

So I was kind of like going, eh, whatever, I'll just get to the, I'll have a couple of drinks here, but then I got to shut it down because I'm going to movies. Yeah, fucked up I think a popcorn fucked up Hold on put down queer bathing. We put down queer bathing. Okay. We watch Thorough blooded love and thunder Wait, what? Thorough blood love what I don't know what's called. It's I don't know what it's called I really don't it's Thorough blood and thunder. Okay, thunder and love or something

Thor love and thunder. Yeah, okay, not Thorough love and thunder? Thor, Love in Thunder. Not Thor of Love in Thunder. Yeah, whatever. Dude, that guy, his arms are so jacked. Thor's arms are so jacked. They're distracting, they're so big. He has to do steroids. There's no way you get an arm that big.

First of all, Leanne is like in the thing when he shows up in the movie, Leanne goes, oh my god. And I'm like, he's beautiful. He is gorgeous. Yeah. I mean, top to bottom, gorgeous. Yeah.

So we, not to... There you go, hit his chest workout. It's right there in Men's Health. I can do it easy. Do it in the clanks. Yeah, let's see. I can do 30 second planks. It might just be it. Oh, I do those.

Uh, dumbbell chest press looks like he's had an incline there. Yeah, looks like he's doing 35s. Got that. Climb's five. Yeah, I do fives. Okay. Flies, done. Incline flies, done.

Keep going. Incline dumbbell press. Ten times, done. Yeah. Regular press, done. That's. In climb dumbbell press, 10 times, done. Yeah. Regular press, done. That's flat, I don't know why. Yeah, this guy's easy. And what did I say?

Planks, and that's a push up. You know right before I fucking hurt my elbow I had a 50 push ups in a row, and I did them for you at the fucking Infront of a casino in Serbia. You did 50? In a row, and I said, Tom, count them. And I did 50 in a row. Were is impressive. And I said, Tom, count them. And I did 50 in a row. Were you working up to that?

50 really good. Yeah, I could do 50 now, I think. Probably really? Well, I was mentioning 235, right? Right. So 235 would imagine that would be the strength where you could do 50 pushups. No, I don't think so.

Is that not how that works? That's not how that works. I mean, one is like endurance. Like 50 is like an endurance measurement. 235 is just a quick display of that's someone of someone's power. I don't think that they equal each other. I don't think so. So do you think, are you doing full push ups?

Not like these, not like Mark Wahlberg, Dr. Oz push ups. I'm working out with batting gloves that like batting gloves. It feels good. Sweet, can I, before I get to the fall thing, can you tell me what queer baiting is because they said, they said Thor of love and thunder is, is, can you type in Thor queer baiting? Cause all movie I'm looking for it,

and I don't really know what it is. I know Billy Eyelash got in trouble for it. Eyelash. He's not even gay. He's not even gay. How gay is Thor? Gay, who's exaggerating elements of the new Thor film. So I'm so confused,

because I kept looking. I don't know any of this. Yeah, there you go, there you go. I don't know. Okay, can you read this? Let's make it bigger. Tours definitely not gay, he's in love with Natalie Portman.

In the movie. In the movie. He's definitely not gay. She's not gay, she's in love with Thor. Okay, make it big, make it big. I think, instead of it now, and the hype train is in full swing,

both director and the film's cast are Beijing up to MC Rosalurara speaking of the story. I'm talking about how gay it is. Okay, so this the origin of this is it seems like the director Tyka with TT and the cast are talking about how gay it is. For some reason, just like the gayest movie you'll ever see. My TT appointment have hyped up Thor's gayness in the run up to its premiere. have hyped up Thor's gayness in the run up to its premiere. Bosting that it would be super gay

through its depiction of LGBTQ plus characters. However, Loventhal has been out, has been able to for a day now and fancimated to the first few showings not impressed. The crew behind the latest Thor flick are being accused of spreading this. Oh, so what's called queer baiting is that they're going,

through this shit, it's so gay. And it's like, it's gay characters, and everything about it's gay. And then it's drawing you in to buy a ticket, and then people are like, it's not very gay. Exactly. Okay, because it wasn't gay at all.

Like I watched it, and I was like, I kept waiting for like, Thor to be like, like, you know, put his pinky in his mouth or something. Yeah, yeah. And nothing. Scroll more. Before the screening last night,

Portman called it so. No, guys, stop in Thor, okay, good. And then a reporter said, a devastated report, really you won't believe this, that she lied. So it's just, you know, it's like a strategy. It's like, we should a queer bait for our podcast. Yeah, it's like a strategy. It's like, we should queer bait for our podcast.

Yeah, this shit is super gay. Dude, do you wanna make out later? Okay. It's coming up. And then we don't make out. That's queer baiting. And next to Bear's Live, Bert's gonna blow me.

And swallow. So that's what, and this Titi Hane, whatever his name is, the director, he's been in trouble for queer baiting a lot. Oh, really? Yeah, he does the show, he does the, our flag means death, that got in trouble for queer baiting. Billion, I just got in trouble for queer baiting one time.

That's the first time I ever heard of it. It was when Georgia was in like six grade, and they were like, I guess she wrote a song that was like, you couldn't tell if she was writing it about a boy or a girl. And so, but then gay people were like, you're being on gay, so don't pretend that you're gay. You're not gay.

Can you make a case though, that this film is somewhat gay because there's a half naked beautiful man, and that's the main attraction. In other words, Thor is like that was stunning physical specimen that sure it appeals to straight women, but I mean, you don't mean to tell me every gay guy on earth doesn't want to see this? I think more gay guys than women.

Yeah, I think that is, and my guilty for my specials for, definitely not queer bathing. You're not queer bathing, because when I take my shirt off, all the gay guys are like, and past. Right, because they're so vain. And like, there's no gay guys. They're so good at all.

I need that in my mouth. They're just like, they're just like, you know, you could be so much hotter. I'm bearbating. Yeah, you are so much hotter. I'm bearbating. Yeah, you are bearbating. I'm bearbating. Yeah. He is fucking gorgeous.

Not like Portman's gorgeous, but man, that guy. But he stands out more for sure. He's so much better looking than her. Yeah. Like, he's so much better looking than anyone in this movie. Then there we go, go back to that last one. Hit those paychecks. Yeah, let's see what he made.

It says, he made so much for like, money. Oh my God. He's rich. Yeah. And he looks like that. Like that's crazy. 50 million. Daniel Craig was reportedly earning 100 million

for the Knives Out sequel, Jesus Christ. A nine. Joanne Johnson was earning at least 50 million for Red One on Amazon. Chris Hemsworth who earned a $20 million payday for his role in the Thor 11th and also highlighted in this piece. Craig got $100 million for that. Who did?

Daniel Craig for the sequel to what was that? Knives Out, what enough? He is the least good looking guy out of all these guys. He looks like he changes tires. Daniel Craig for the sequel to what was that? Knives out? What in the life? He's the least good looking guy out of all these guys. He looks like he changes tires. He doesn't look like he's a... Pull up ugly pictures of Daniel Craig. If he was just the face, if he was just the face,

well no, he's got a great body. He's got like a snitch face. He's the guy in prison and he's like, throw over their boss. If that guy looks like a made or like, they're over there, boss. If that guy, you know what he looks like? A mate or D. We got a nice restaurant. Like if that guy was like your tables over here,

you would, you know, like, yeah, okay, that guy, you know, he takes the job. He kinda looks like a job, see. A little bit. A little, yeah. A little bit like, I'm shocked he hasn't played more Nazis. Or he's like, he would, he looks like the kind of guy

who's like, you know, it wasn't my idea, but Jews are a problem. You know, like, like he- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. By the way, Daniel Craig right now is like, I fucking like these guys. I've heard stories, I've heard stories like that. Look at that lean, now that's fucking gay as shit. Why are you leaning like that?

He's queer-baiting us right there. With his pants on the level like that? Yeah. Straight dudes don't want to do their pants like that. That's queer-baiting right there. And queer is straight them like that? Yeah. Straight dudes don't wanna do their pants like that. That's queer baiting right there. That's queer, it feels weird to say queer. Straight guys don't. Yeah, straight guys don't hump over like that.

I bet I could do for 50 push ups. You wanna do it? I'm gonna try right now. Right now? Yeah, I kinda wanna see if I bet, do you think I can get 20? How many I think I can get? I think you can definitely get 20.

But it's a big difference. You think? 20 and 50? Yeah. It's just twice. No But it's a big difference. You think? 20 and 50? Yeah. It's just twice. No, it's more than twice. Hahaha. It would be an eye, shit at a party one time,

and the keg spread ever, and they go, oh my god, we've lost three quarters of the keg, and they go, that's almost half. And they go, it's over half. Hahaha. And I went, we three, oh, I was thinking one quarter. Yeah, how many thing I can do? And don't do the whole, oh, I was thinking one quarter. How many things I can do?

And don't do the whole, those don't rule push up. Just whatever I do is a real push up. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no I love that we're back to trying to ruin our careers Do you remember when we thought for a second we'd have movie careers and then we're like fuck Daniel Craig. He looks like a Nazi You know is six three you want to know this is the best part we're driving home last night The end goes the end goes you know his wife's 45 and he's only 37 and I was like Oh, and she goes what's that for and I go he'll regret that Trust me last 52. I'm turning 50. Two years makes a big difference. And push is older than you.

Yeah, and you're watching the age. And they just go, I'm getting old. And you're like, you are. Yeah, not me. I'm looking good. You look like you look old. I look, I'm so like on the cusp of being fucking healthier shit 50 point shots. All right. How on?

All right One two three four five six seven eight nine One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 30. One, two, three, four, 35, six, 36. Eight, nine, 40. All right, 40 is pretty close. That's pretty good, buddy. How you feel? By ear started not working. I don't know what's going on there. 40's not bad. It's not working. I'm the most cool one.

40's not bad. It's not bad. I think I could have really pushed it, but I was worried about my elbow. Yeah. All right, I'll be honest. That was nice. Yeah. The form took a little bit of a dip, okay?

Towards the end, yeah. You could just see it was just a little bit of like dipping my chest in. Yeah, yeah. But good job. And I took a pretty nasty spill last night. Yeah, so wait, you went to Seethore, your wife's fingering herself in the theater, and then you,

Hey, six, three, he's the sweetest guy. I saw him with two girls walking down Benchera Avenue. I was like, he doesn't walk down Benchera Avenue. He makes 20 million in a fucking movie. Yeah. It's rodeo. Wrong street. Yeah. And then, um, so, so I did, I got out of control

to movie theater and I bought about 50 to $60 with a candy. That's an important part of the story, because it's part of where I just didn't understand what was going on. So I have M&Ms, peanut M&Ms, raisinets, butter fingers, chocolate covered almonds, all in my pockets. Can I just say something? Yeah. You are on the cusp of being healthy. So they're all in my pockets. Yeah. We get home and Ila goes to the door first, walks in the kitchen, and locks the door. And I go, Ila, and I can hear her laughing.

So I press in the code, 16, I'm 69. I'm kidding. What if that was our house code? I press in the code. And as soon as it un get in. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Press in the code. And as soon as it unlocks, she locks it again. Am I start laughing? This is like, the thing with my girls is when they bully me,

it makes me laugh uncontrollably. Yeah. It's one of my favorite things, and I start laughing hysterically. George and I are the, George and Leanne are outside with me. And I go, I love, she starts, I can hear her laughing on the other side. Press the code again, she locks that and I go fuck her. I'm gonna run around back and go into the back outside and go that store.

She hears that and as I start to run away, she opens the door. George and Leanne go in and I go running to get to the door and they slam it closed. And I catch my toe on the step. And I fall, my head hits the door jam, the side of my head hits the door jam. My arm hits the potted plant, I break the potted plant,

roll down the stairs. And I'm just like, and I hear them laughing. They don't even know I fell. And I'm on the ground and thinking, thanks I'm on the ground laughing. And then she comes out, she's like, oh my God, did you fall? And I don't remember. I don't remember.

I don't remember. I remember being in my bed and I was like, he needs go to emergency room. And I was like, I'm fine. I'm fine. And I convinced everyone I was fine. And then for a second, I was like, wait, I don't remember how I got here. Like I don't remember how I got here. Like I remember saying to Leanne, I'm gonna take a nap.

I remember getting up and going, I'm gonna go get my Fitbit, but I don't have a Fitbit. I have a whoop. Yeah. And I walked to the man cave and I got, I put my whoop on. Like this was like, I was so disoriented. And then I got into a robe and I got bed.

Ila was Georgia. The second it happened, Georgia. Georgia screen grabbed it from the nest cam and I sent it to our family and it was like send your prayers. It was the first thing she sends. But here's one of the confusing things. I remember landing on the ground, and I remember there being M&Ms everywhere,

and I was like, how did these M&Ms get here? I didn't realize my pockets were filled with M&Ms. So I wake up, I'm like, kind of wake up, and I'm like, what is fucking happening? Do you got knocked out? I think, I have the video, I'll show you the video. So this is me, you're gonna have to kind of scroll in a little bit because it's a pretty wide shot So this is the backyard you can hear audio I think

And then they go in I go son of a bitch and then this is me AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Oh, I'm like, oh fuck, I'll get it. And then I just, boom. Bam. And then there's a longer video. Leanne comes out. I was out for a little bit. So you were out. I don't know. Like is that crazy? Is that about a head injury?

Yeah. The crazy thing about a head injury is like, scary man. You don't know what happened. And so then I, like, can you imagine just something really had happened to you. The crazy thing about a head injury is scary now. You don't know what happened. Can you imagine just something really had happened to you, and I was just like, I should have just unlocked that door. I think terrible that would feel. I think she felt horrible about it.

Of course. Of course. And then she came down and she was like, Everyone's done that thing where you are playing. You're playing right here. And then somebody somebody something happens. Yeah. And she came down.

She was the only one. Liam was like, you're fine. Just don't go to sleep for 15 minutes. And I was like, I don't know. Does that mean you could go to that? Yeah, that's not. She was like, that's what people used to say, like before they had knowledge.

Yeah, yeah. That was like, and then in the 90s, they would be like, just don't go to sleep and it's not actually true. And then, and then we, we yeah, and then what and then I stayed up for three hours So I was like I was like I don't know It says I didn't have any nausea It didn't hurt that's crazy. It hurts today But like it didn't hurt yesterday. I couldn't find out I couldn't and I didn't remember where I hit my head

Like I felt like I hit it on the side But and I but I could you don't have any nothing no bruising and nothing sore today No, my whole body is fucking sore, but you're my knees. No, I'm wearing your head my toe sore There's like a little part right here. What about like foggy-ness? No, I mean I'm on his a little foggy. Yeah, Like I'm always like kind of foggy, like I'm morning haze. Yeah. Um, but like, I don't, I love is the one that was like, uh, we're going to the emergency room.

And then the animals like, well, if we go to the emergency room, we're going to be there all night. They're going to keep him. I was like, I have shit to do tomorrow. It's funny how you like rationalize one like, like, I don't wanna go to the fucking immer, but all you think about is Bob Sagitt. And you go, he just fell and it's like, I'll be fine. And then so I sat in the alarm for every 30 minutes.

I don't know, so the sleeping thing isn't a real thing? No, that's not. It was something that they definitely used to tell you that. And then it definitely changed because I remember being, you know, first of all, in the 60s and set, it was all like, you know, that. And then in the 90s, I remember, like, in football, they were just like, well, just don't go to sleep. You can't go to everybody thought that that was, you know, how to treat it. And then in recent years, they've said

that that is, I mean, I've talked to doctors about it and that it's not true. It's crazy, because I definitely, like, I remember laughing and I remember coming up. And I remember like, I don't know how I hit. Like, I don't know, like, I watched a video and as soon as I, I was like, it's an assy spill, man. Yeah, it lands like you're fine.

And then George goes, he's actually in the video and we're watching it and lands like, I said nasty spill, man. Yeah, the ads like you're fine, you're fine. And then George goes, he's actually in the video and we're watching it and the ads like, oh shit. And then I just wanna highlight, can you just go the emergency room right now? And then I was like, I'm fine. But then I was like, Liam went to sleep and then I'm laying in bed going like, am I fine?

Like am I fine? Cause I'm like, I don't remember. I really don't remember the, from the fall to getting in the bed. Like if I, the thing that makes me, if you know when you turn over and you're just laying there, if you stayed laying there, I would definitely agree with Ila.

I stayed there in there for a while. Then I would have been like, you should go the emergency room. Yeah. If you just like fall and get up, obviously I don't think you need to go, but if you just lay there and you're like, I don't know how I got here.

Well, no, no, I was really out of it. It's crazy, like, because part of it's the fall. The fall itself throws you off. It's like being an accident and not getting hurt, but then you get up and you're kind of in shock a little bit. Of course. Like that was a part of it that I was like, how many of you get this bitch and then I run around here and then they just run in and they're laughing and then shuts it and then yeah. Yeah that part like if you were like laying there for 30 seconds I would be like I would have been like I would definitely go. The end came out and said okay and I was like I think I fell or I fell and then I was like I said did you lose consciousness? I go I don't think so but then what happened is I rolled over I go let me just take a nap. I'm gonna let me lay here for a second

She was like don't fall asleep. I was like okay, and then I got up and I was like I need to go get my Fitbit She was like huh like I was out of it But I don't know you know yeah Yeah, that's that's such a hurt believable, it'd be a horrible way to lose you. Like, guess what? Bert stumbled and fell. But then, you know, it's crazy. You know, it's yeah, and he's just trying to get in his house. Yeah. And then, and you know, that when he actually did

crack his head, his family was laughing. Yeah, his family was howling. You know, I remember the hardest way. There'd be the fun saddest thing. That's all I think is like, I don't wanna die in a way where it's undeniable that it needs to be mocked. Right, right. So like, so, yes, of course.

Well, like where people go, this, I mean, I really feel bad for his family, but I gotta have a fucking feel down this. Yeah. I, during COVID, I mean, I really feel bad for his family, but I gotta have a fucking feel down this. Yeah. I, during COVID, I did, you know, I did the first drive-in tour, we get home, it's fourth of July, we get home off fourth of July, and everyone's quarantining me.

They're like, get a quarantine, because we had been out in public, that's back when, you know, everyone was like, you can't even be, you gotta be 20 feet away from us. So I went to a party and it kept me 20 feet away from us. So I went to a party and they can't be 20 feet away from everyone. And I sat in the corner and drank and everyone had a party. And then at the end of the day,

they're like, we should do an egg toss. And I was like, okay, so I, I'm like, we're far enough array. So I learned I did an egg toss. And then that night I got in bed and I was like, what if I have COVID? And I just gave my daughter COVID from an egg toss. And they're like, wait, how did she die?

And well, he was throwing an egg to her and it splattered all over her face. And that's how she got COVID. No, no, no. Oh my God. That would be one of those things where people would be like, you know, it's so sad. But I guess, you know, I guess you really like eggs or something.

Yeah, people would have to say you really like eggs or something. Yeah, people would have to say things. You know, yeah. There's no way not to. Or people would talk about you. They'd be like, you think you still eat segmy muffins and shit? Like they would always be making comments. Like if you choked on a cucumber, even just a slice, people would be like, wait, was he like, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aww, aw know, like it's crazy. What's also crazy is that once that happens, it happened.

You can't take it back. So if you're gonna die, all of a sudden you're just waiting for death to show up. Like I'm laying in bed last night going, I don't know how hard I hit my head. I saw the video, but I don't know how hard I hit my head. All I know is I fell, I kinda hit my head. Here's the other thing, this, by the way,

this is the most telling thing I'll ever say about me. Ever, ever. I'm so dramatic that even if I, like, even when I hit my head, I think there's a part of my DNA that over-acts like the way a pussy would. Like a real man, Daniel Craig, would probably pop right up.

I'd be like, I'm good. The rock, pop right up. Nah, I'm good, I tripped, I'm fine. Like, there's so condition to be real man. Right. I'm so conditioned to be a pussy and take B-dramatic and to get to one attention. You are.

I end up going, time I end up going, I don't know what's real. Like, I don't know how bad I hurt myself. I actually believe everything you just said. Yeah, yeah. I've been around you long enough that you are conditioned for the drama. I don't know that you're someone,

I wouldn't say you're a conditioned to be a pussy. A drama. It's that you like the theatrics. I'm not the guy that pushes through. You're like, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know if I just had, this could have been something cerebral. I don't know. I don't know, could it be, I don't know if I just had, this could have been something cerebral, I don't know if I, maybe my chest,

just, does anybody have, do you have a stethoscope? Like, yeah, you are for the show. Yeah, and so I, I part of me is like sitting there going, I've got a, I've got a weed through my own bullshit. Yeah. And go how hurt was I? How much of that, do you think any of that is exacerbated

by the fact that you have girls? I'll tell you what, no. No, I was like that my whole life. Okay. I was telling the end, I got a concussion in basketball camp when I was like 11 or maybe, maybe, older. And was she like, no, you didn't. No.

She would be like, no, you didn't. And no. She didn't. She didn't. Yeah, that's it. You got it. So, and I remember, I was telling her the other day, I was like, I remember, I was away from my family. I didn't know anybody. We had a shower together. Like, and I was not like developed yet. It was mostly black dudes. Yeah. And I got, and I sucked at basketball compared to these guys. not like developed yet. It was mostly black dudes.

And I got, and I sucked at basketball compared to these guys. I was 13 maybe, I think I was 13, maybe 14. And I went up for a layup and a dude took a black dude just took my legs out from under me, just whom, like a legit foul. And I landed on my head. And I remember saying, I remember crying

because I was like, I was upset that I was away from my family. This is like though, I didn't know anyone, I sat down at lunch and I didn't know anyone to lunch. And so like I sat and ate by myself like I was in prison. Like it was so fucked up, the whole experience was so traumatic that when that second night, third night I finally got hurt.

You're like, I'm saying the N word. I can, okay. Okay. I'm not. I know. I remember as a guy, I remember going just crying and being like, they're like, are you hurt? I was like, I hit my head, I did hit my head.

Even when they put me in the ambulance, I was like, I was like, how about I hit my head? Like, yeah, I'm being real. I'm being very real and I'm sure there are people that go, oh, I know what you're talking about. There's a lot of people going, I have no, how bad did I hit my head? Again, I'm being real. I'm being very real. And I'm sure there are people that go, oh, I know what you're talking about. There's a lot of people going, I have no idea what you're talking about.

I don't get an ambulance unless I'm fucking hurt. Do you remember, you played Red Rover? Yeah. I got clothes lined. And it was on the basketball court in like fourth grade. Yeah. And just, I am. Like back of the head to that basketball

court. And I, I mean, I definitely had a concussion. Oh my god. I definitely had a concussion. And there's got to be adult red rover. There's got to be adult red rover type in. It'd be brutal for a dream. I know. Yeah. Because it's called rugby. Oh my god, international Red Rover Championships Shut the fuck up That guy's whole life is just trying to fucking red Rover chip. Oh my god. Let that chick kind of try to fucking break my line Okay, that's a big fuck. Look at it. It's a fucking couple some Owens. Yeah, that's oh man, and you got to have a girl on your team And you got to have a girl on your team? Disgotsman wait, I want to see this fucking right away. I'm like red Rover Red Rover send Brenda right over. Yeah. Yeah. Come on Brenda How hardcore do you I mean these guys are running like look at this look at this. Look at this. Here we go

Yeah, I think this is this is acting. I think this is actors. Oh, I hope they all get fucking monkey pox. All right. I got so excited for that Yeah, I'm fucking and now I got so excited for like the joke. Okay, high school red Joker. This is high school red rover. Yeah, I love this is where this is when you don't know how hurt you can get. That's why this is. Red Rover, oh please, please, please. No. Well, come on. No. Do it the way we did it. This is, you kind of got need to be kids, I think, because, right, like when you're a kid,

you don't, like, yeah, there's a little bit, there's not as much. Oh, look at this dude. Oh shit. Oh, he's, yeah, I know, but that's the part of Red Rover that is fucking awesome is you get to pick where you go. Uh oh, he's going. They stopped him.

No, they stopped him. Wow. Whoa. Can you imagine how good that would feel to stop the running back from the team? The guy that was just doing bull noises. Oh my God. This is an America. This is an America.

This is an America. Is they have, where's this from? So I'm looking at the way they're dressed. I don't think this is America. I think it's just old. Feels like it is. Oh, it's the choir group. There you go.

So it's a bunch of pussy's playing. It's a choir group. Yeah. There's choir red rover. Yeah.. It's a choir group. Yeah. There's a choir red rover. Yeah. That's like a choir orgy pass. That's why they're dressed like tools. So what were we saying before this?

Oh, uh, uh, Tautiatrical you are and, you know, you see like your condition for that. So like, so, uh, you know I've been having since the pandemic. Yeah. You know I've been having problems with my back teeth, right? Yes.

And so like, when you know me as well as you, or Leandu, you kind of got to wade through my bullshit. Yeah. You got to wade through the emotions. I was trying to explain to Georgia, the way I do things is I need you to feel the way I felt. That's how I connect. So I tell a story so you connect with the story. So Peter, my assistant's with me, I have to go get, I'm having pain in my thing, I have a hole in

the tooth, I'm pretty sure I need a root canal. I'm not really sure it's my back tooth. And full disclosure, I have two conditions. One is I was born without a name on my teeth So I had no name on my teeth So I mean my teeth don't have a lot of structure so back in the day they would grind them down and put Caps on them grounds on them. So I have a lot of crowns on my teeth I also have some bonding but I also got hit them out the baseball bat when I was 11 and And my second condition is my jaw is weirdly angled. So it's angled like this, as opposed to like this.

So what happens is your back teeth hit first, and you end up, and especially if you have to know a mammal in your teeth, you end up grinding them down. So my back teeth are really ground down. And then what they did is they put in crowns to build up my bite when I was younger so that I didn't wear all my teeth down. Okay, all that

being said, Leanne brings me in for a consultation with an endodontist who just wants to take a look at this filling. He, no uncertain terms says to me. So you have two, you need two root canals on those two teeth. I think I'm gonna pull all your wisdom teeth. You don't need them and they're ground down. You've destroyed them. But more importantly, we're gonna, we may be able to save your other molar. More importantly, we're gonna have to break your jaw,

pull all your teeth, reput, I'm more importantly, we're going to have to break your jaw, pull all your teeth, reput, implants in your jaw, and rebuild your jaw over the next like year. And I went, will that change how I look? And he goes, oh yeah. And I go, I was like, I go, I can't, I don't want to look like someone else. And he goes, like, well, we can't fix that. And I went, hold on. I've been working my whole life so that people know who I am so that they come to my shows. I can't just put on a new face like Jennifer Gray and just be like, nah, this is Bert now.

And he's like, well, I don't wanna tell you. And I went, so that's the only solution. And he goes, well, right now we need to get you back. We need to do root canal about those two. I'll see if I can see the state of the teeth. That's what I'll tell you. But more importantly, we're gonna pull all your molars and then-

And we're gonna break your jaw. And we're gonna break your jaw. By the way, look at the upside. You're gonna lose a ton of weight. Everybody I know who had broken jaw, because you end up going on a shake diet. Yeah. Oh, first of all, let's talk about the withdrawal from Xanax.

I'll have to go through it because I'll be eating Xanax every fucking day, every four hours. If I have, if I'm to earn a thing with Dirt, all fucking Dirt, you can get a lot of writing done. You can get a lot of writing done. You can write. And I'm going to look like a fucking totally different person. You're not going to look like that.

So I shut down. I shut down. I get in the car. Pecos fucking. He's like, how was it? And I go they're gonna have to pull I think six to five teeth break my jaw and And then read because once you break your jaw all these teeth are useless. Yeah, cuz they're angled this way Also, you're gonna lose 40 pounds

Wait, when did they start? No, no, no, no. So I get that news. This is like two weeks before fully loaded, three weeks before fully loaded, and I go, and he's like, do you need to talk anytime soon? And I was like, I have a tour that I put together a tour, like a festival.

He's like, we'll do it after that. And I went, no, no, no, no, no, hold on. I got a special. I want to look the way I want to look like Burt for the special. And he was like, well well when can we change you? And I was like Not at all like I don't want this. I literally said to myself. Maybe I'll die first But maybe if I'm lucky I'll die first and I won't have to go through this So lucky if I just died Oh, yeah, that would be lucky.

Yeah, I'd be so lucky if I just died. And so I'm like a fucking mess. Well, just doing December. Why can't you do it then? I'll tell you what. Because I don't wanna look like a different person. Here's what I'll do. I look like a totally different person. I'll encourage you.

I know, I already thought about it. I'll just grow my beard very long like Rick Rubin. Okay. And then people don't know what I look like a totally different person. I'll encourage you. I would know, I already thought about it. I'll just grow my beard very long like Rick Rubin. Okay. And then people don't know what I look like anyway. And then when I get my jaw broken, I'll just shave it and I'll look like a different person. So then hold on. Yeah, I look like Rick Rubin.

There you go. So I tell this to, I get in the car, I tell this to Leanne. And you know, Leanne has to wait through my bullshit. And she's like, that can't be what it is. And then I call my dad and my dad goes, we knew this was coming. He's like, ever since you were a kid, we knew they were gonna have to break your jaw at one point. And I was like, really?

He was like, oh yeah, yeah, your bites all fucked up. They told us about that earlier, we figured, you know. I wasn't sure I was gonna be around to deal with it. So, but now I guess I am. So, yeah, I guess we're gonna break your jaw. My mom's like, honey, get a second opinion. My dad is like, get a second opinion. They're breaking your fucking jaw.

Yeah. So I get a second opinion. And this fuck, I want to say the doctors name by don't because I don't want to blow up his spot, this new doctor. Yeah. And he's like, oh, no, no, no, no. His exact words are, Dennis is, Dennis, looking your mouth and they see $100,000.

And he's like, it's like a fucking car mechanic. They do. But that doesn't mean. Doesn't mean the guys wrong. But this other Dennis goes, do you have pain in your jaw? And I said, no. He said, okay.

He looked in your jaw and he was just like, God, that new S-class is fucking pretty sweet. Someone looked, by the way, it's happened a few times. I thought I'm not even saying it. I have a crown in my mouth that you never should have put a crown there. Well, I still do what happened to me when, when, my God, it was like, oh, five.

I was working for, I was working in reality shows, I used to work in post. And I was working for Extreme Makeover, which was a huge hit show, reality show show where they would take just like ugly people and be like, do you want an opi ugly? And they would give them an Extreme Makeover. So they had like all these, you know, they would go to the plastic surgeon

who's like the facelift guy. Then there was the liposuction person. And then there was the cosmetic dentist, who I don't remember his name. He looked like, he looked like an advertisement that you would see, that he was like, he had a crazy smile. He looked like he had had plastic surgery. Anyway, he would do the reconstructed stuff, but also the whitening.

If you just needed a whitening. As part of the relationship of the show, they offered his office to anyone that works on this show, our staff, which is huge like post-staff, you can go get a whitening for free. So, I'm making, I don't know, $100 a day, working on this thing, so me and a couple of people, let's go get our teeth white, I've never done it before.

So we go there and they go, you wanna get your teeth white? Yeah, they do the treatment. And then they go, do you want to just get, I mean, this is when you know, like he goes, he says, you're sitting here, do you want us to just do like an exam, like see what's going on? And I was like, yeah, sure.

Cause I hadn't been to the dentist in a year or something. Fucking, this is the thing, switch. They do the X-rays. And then the guy comes back. And it's not, it's not the guy from TV. It's like one of his junior, you know, young guy, he's like, yes, so you have some cavities and I was like, I do?

And I, you know, I wasn't an experienced, I go, what do I have? He goes, you have 17 cavities. And I was like, I have 17 cavities. He goes, yeah, do you want us to just like take care of it now? And I was like, how much is that, like, first of all, I didn like, how much is that? First of all, I didn't know how much that can be.

Well, you know? So he throws out some crazy number. I think I'm going to take a break. I'll take a... No pain in your mouth. No, nothing. No pain. Nothing.

So, I have some low level insurance at the time. When I was in high school college, I was used to like just being able to go anywhere. And I had like some shitty, so I call, and they sent me to this adenis that's on this plan. So I go in there and I was like, yeah, you know, I tell them the story, and I go, so apparently I have like, fucking almost two dozen cavities. And so he...

For this, more than almost, yeah. Yeah, wait, all right. You're almost did us it. Yeah. So I go, he goes, he checks me out. He goes, okay. You only have like 30, 14, and no. I know.

Half of them are infected. Are infected. So I go, you know, check me out. And he goes, okay, I looked, he goes, you have zero cavities. And I go, what? And he goes, you don't have any cavities. And I go, what? And he goes, you don't have any cavities. And I go, wait a minute.

So like, what is that? So he basically, he explained, he goes, well, what happened is like, you know, he goes, like, you see this, like this little thing here, he goes, one day, that might progress into a cavity. But it's not a cavity. He goes, so what this guy was gonna do

was just drill your mouth everywhere, like at the prospect of cavities, and just have you pay for it. So the treat, like the free whitening was a way to just bring in 50 people and then get them to pay for all these other things. But I mean, I remember I'd felt like so kind of scammed. I was so upset about it.

I was like, this motherfucker was going to drill into my teeth for no reason. Dude, we go to the other dentist. Leanne gets a second opinion. And it's the guy that's done all of George and Iless teeth, right? And he looks in my mouth and he goes, he goes, you have, I forget the name of the thing, but the thing where you don't have an animal on your teeth. Yeah. Because you got that right. And I said, yeah, he goes, because George and I have it. And I go, yeah, he goes, yeah, that's not, that's not what that is. He was like, he thinks that, because they've always, everyone always says,

me, you grind your teeth. And I'm like, I don't know, I'm asleep, so I guess maybe I do. It's like when people say you snore, maybe you just have a joke, you're like, you say I snore, I don't hear it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so, and I always just guess I grind my teeth because everyone said I did. And he goes, no, you don't grind your teeth,

you're jaw shaped that way. So you've ground down your teeth. You don't grind your teeth, you've ground down over you somewhere. He goes, what's happening to you is, with your condition, natural wear and tear looks like decay to some people. It like a dentist who just doesn't,

isn't paying that much attention, just goes, well, we gotta get rid of these teeth. He goes, I can save all those teeth. I went, what? He was like, I can save those teeth. And then he says, this is the fucking, this is the shit day I had the dentist. I don't know if you saw it on Instagram,

but he goes, here's what we're gonna do We're gonna take a drill. It's gonna sound bad Imagine this window is fire. Well, we're gonna see how close we can get to fire without getting burned So he just took a drill and started drilling on my tooth Just looking in my eyes waiting for me to go, ow, and he never got there. And he goes, there's no decay. This tooth is fine. We can save it.

This one, doesn't even have, I don't know why he was gonna pull this one. He goes, we're not gonna plenate your teeth. And he goes, and we're not gonna break your fucking jaw. Damn. He goes, he goes, we don't need to break your jaw. Are you comfortable with what you look like? And I went, yeah, more comfortable

than a person I don't know what he looks like. And he goes, do you have any pain? I went, yeah, more comfortable than a person. I don't know what he looks like. And he goes, do you have any pain? I said, none. He goes, all right. He goes, maybe 40 more years out of that jaw. I go 40. 25. Yeah.

I'm fucking 40. 40. You mean when I'm 90? And he goes, are you cool with me in 70 and not having molars and I'm like, yeah, I don't give a fuck. And he's like, yeah, we're gonna be good. So this dude, damn.

This dude went through, fucking, and all I thought was, how cool that he didn't upcharge me. Cause he said to me, he goes, I look in your mouth, I see $100,000. I see $100,000. I like the good dentist. The good dentist, he goes, that's what that guy saw was $100,000.

And he thought, it's not a bad way to spend a day, make $100,000. I saw was a hundred thousand dollars and he thought it's not a bad way to spend a day. Yeah. Make a hundred thousand dollars. And there's, there are, there I'm sure the majority of dentists are good people, but there are some fucking hacks out there. The guy, one of the guy, I don't want to go into like details, but like, I've had hacks where they go root canal and I'm like, I don't have any pain in the tooth. They're like root canal.

And then you're like, okay, how much is that? They're like, well, fucking $3,000. Yeah. And you're like, oh, cool. I'm fucking, so I don't, I don't have to get my job broken. Great, man. You have a long story for that. Yeah.

You want to hear some wild shit? Yeah, please. So a little while back, I'm doing a show. And I'm in the States and my bus driver is like gonna meet us in Canada for a show. So I'm doing shows all over Canada. He's like, I'll meet you. And it's the first time that it's been with the bus, all my Canadian dates, I've just been flying in and flying out. But for this date, we're going to the bus going to meet

us and then bring us back over for more shows. Okay. So I'm doing, I'm doing a show and sometimes, like my tour manager, you've met him. Dave, he's great. You know, he is, he has like so much production experience, so he really runs a tight ship. I'm talking about with everything, but even with production. So, you know, he does sound checks every show, like thorough ones, and he gets everybody on the same page, does like these pre-show talks with the whole staff of every place we go.

And I'm doing, you know, like hundreds of shows. So I get there and he's, you know, sometimes, he's like, you know, I get there, he'll be like, it's a great day, this place is, you know, everyone's so professional. Sometimes you get there, he's like, it's a fucking shit show. There's a bunch of clowns working here.

So it's one of those days where he's like, today's been a fucking nightmare, working with this staff I'll say all right So we have we have a couple shows so the first show There's audio problems and he's like god damn it because like he's like we just did soundcheck and this means that like they didn't save The way that we did it. Yeah, which is a real fucking it right because then you're up on stage and you're like, how come these wedges are either,

give me feedback or they're super low? And he's like, it wasn't a moment ago. It means that somebody got lazy basically. So we're between shows and he's furious, right? He's talking to the production manager, he's talking to the sound people, he's like, the fuck are you doing? And when I hear him like that, I walk away.

I'm like, you can do that, right? So I just go back and I'm talking to everybody. And then I see him, like, let's say 20 minutes later, I go, everything cool and he goes, no. So I think it's gonna be about the staff and like sound or something, because that has come up a few times where you have like really bad sound one show. Or my thing that I hate the most is when they put a limiter on. A limiter is like when

you talk and all of a sudden your monitors cut out. They never have that. Yeah, so that's called a limiter, right? So it's like if you reach a certain volume, it goes, doop, right? Now I won't it doesn't sound like that to them, but it sounds like that to you. So then you're like, the fuck is going on, right? So anyway, he goes, no, it's not cool. And he goes, come with me. And I'm like, this is a pretty serious talk about sound. You know, like, I'm like, hey man, I can work through it.

I got him like, okay. So I go, what's up? He goes, our driver crossed over and was detained at the border. And I'm like, what? And he goes, yeah. And my immediate thought is that the driver has not disclosed something about themselves. A DUI. A warrants. I go with this. Okay, keep going. It just closed something about themselves. Yeah. A DUI, a warrant.

I'll go with this. Okay, keep going. And I go, fuck what happened? He goes, well, the customs agents went on the bus, and in your room found a bunch of weed. And I'm like, what? And here's the thing, and I mean, hand to God. I'm like, but I don't have any weed on the bus. Like, I don't, I'm not, uh, you know, I've smoked

joints on this, but I don't like roll with weed. I don't smoke weed every day. I'm like, what are you talking about? He's like, they found over and out. And I'm like, what? And it went, even though it's legal in Canada, yeah. The amount was just over the amount for usage, which was not even okay anyways, but is now considered trafficking. And my driver's in his 60s,

and he's like a really nice dude. Yeah. And I'm like, what is happening, right? I'm like, just like, oh my God. Okay, okay. Push pause. Do you immediately go to Jeff take and go, hey, did you turn out to be in the back side?

No, I know exactly what it is right away. You do? Yes, because one of the things, and I'm sure this happens to you too, is like a lot of times when you're doing shows, I don't mean like fans, I mean venues and promoters go like here. They give me like, sometimes it's like a box of cigars with like a cutter and a torch, and you're like, Jesus, thank you. And it's like 25 cigars cigars with like a cutter in the light and a torch and you're like,

Jesus, thank you. And it's like 25 cigars and you're like, oh my god. And you take them. You take them and leave. Steve Woods gave me a, for Polula to give me a box of blunts that were each like an eighth of marijuana. And you don't know that it adds up. You go one, two, three, four, that's five eighths. That's like fucking half an ounce. But a lot of it, I just shove in a drawer. Like I just literally go, oh, thank you. Now, all of a sudden, you're like, do I have 200 cigars on this bus? Like, yeah. And then,

you know, sometimes it's food, sometimes it's fucking hot sauce. People give me like, a lot of hot sauce. A lot of hot sauce. I'm like, make sure any gets this. Yeah, give this to any. And I just, I get hot sauce for any. I've been, I've given given them I gave him a hot sauce that gave me a few weeks ago. Yeah, they give a Bible and then like make sure it So right away Believe me he could use it They right away it hits me. I go. It's got to be a gift. It's got to be a gift bag And then I go so what was that they go It was a basket that was in one of these cabinets

in your room on the bus. And I'm like, dude, that's probably been sitting there for six months. I don't even know where, I gotta know where it. And then they show me a photo. And the photo is, it's pre-packaged seal from a company. So it's like, it's not like, here's a, like a zip lock bag.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a professional labeled, and they give me a variety pack. I don't even I don't remember when or where, but I was like, oh, fuck. So I go, how did like what happened? And so I talk to the driver, he's like, well, he's being detained, right? He's like, I come in, I show my passport and they're like, we're just gonna do a quick perimeter check. They do the perimeter check. Then he goes, I'm just gonna do an inspection now. So the driver's on the bus and he sits,

he's like in the front of the bus. And he says, the guy's just like opening cabinets. He's like, he's just like, he doesn't even look with the fridge the fridge doesn't open. He's just like poop up up up looks all around And then he's like he goes he goes it was like radar. He goes he goes into your suite opens these things and he goes He goes you know, we have a little problem and The driver goes what what's the problem and he goes do you know you have a bunch of weed on this bus? And my driver goes, don't fuck with me.

Right? He goes, I don't think that's funny. And he goes, I'm not fucking with you, and I don't think it's funny either. Oh my God. So he brings him to the back, he counts it out, and he goes, yeah, this is a trafficking amount. And he goes, I've never, you know,

I don't have any of this, this is at mine. He goes, you're the only one on the bus, so this is yours. And then he goes like this. No. Yep, it's to him. So then my driver, and he cuffs him. And I'm like, oh my God.

And then he's like, you know, basically like we're going to go in here in a moment. And the customs guy goes, who's busted? Did you say this was again? And my driver goes, Tom Sager, and he goes, no shit. He goes, let me get those cuffs off you. No, takes the cuffs off him. He goes, I'm a big fucking fan. And he goes seriously. And he goes, yeah. And he goes, tell Tom to smoke all this shit because you cannot cross over the border with this.

And he lets him go. Are you fucking serious? I swear to God. Wait, so we hold on for a second. So then your bus driver just did it. Yeah, so then he's like, I mean, he's having like heart palpitation, you know. And then he said the guy stopped. He goes, just a reminder, if this wasn't Tom's bus,

you'd be in jail right now. And then he walked off the bus. And then he, and then my driver's like, hey, so you need to smoke all, I go, I'm not smoking. It's thrown away. We were talking about it. Yeah, fuck. Yeah. And dude, I was like, I mean, I felt so bad that I was like, I go, I go to day, I'm gonna fuck. Yeah. And dude, I was like, I mean, I felt so bad

that I was like, I go to Dave, I go, I want to get him, like an apology gift. Get him an else weed. I go, I don't know. I go, I go, I want to get him something, but I don't know what he likes. And Dave goes, he likes guns. And I was like, it's gonna be like a weird, I'm sorry thing.

Like, I go, all right, so then I tell him, I go, hey man, I'm gonna get you a gun. And he goes, I already have a gun. And I go, not the kind of gun I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. Desert Eagle, but the caliber, I'm getting them like us, like a fully automatic. Dude, when the first tour I did for body shots,

we do the very first run is Portland, Seattle, Vancouver, Calgary, or Calgary, Vancouver. So, yeah, I know, we had to drive from... That's a shitty route. From whatever Seattle to Calgary, foritty route, from whatever Seattle to... Calgary? For Calgary. And then back to Vancouver.

So Nick, news 4 tells me he goes, I have a bunch of weed on the bus, I just got the bus. And he goes, whatever you do, they do not fuck around going into Canada. So you're okay. So, for people that know, you can have weed in Canada. You just can't cross a border with it. Okay, cross the border with it.

And he said, not even a joint. Yeah. Not even a joint. Leans on the bus with me. Jesus Trejo's on the bus with me. And my bus driver at the time, a different dude. So we do two shows in Seattle and I'm fucking pumped, right? I'm on a tour bus.

This is everything I've ever dreamed of in my career. And now I'm driving to Calgary like and I'm it's like a 12 hour drive I'm gonna fucking get lit I'm gonna pass out lians in the back and I take all the weed I give it away except for one one hitter I pack a one hitter a glass one hitter and I go I'm gonna smoke right before we get into the, what you'll call it, and I'm gonna throw it out. Right before we get into the border, I'll throw it out the window. But I get so fucked up that I'm having such a good time. The answer is sleep, I'm driving drinks with Jesus,

that all of a sudden we stop and they're like, customs is coming on and I go, oh, I haven't got rid of the one hitter. So it's, my energy, this is my second day on this bus. So I go to the bathroom, I can't figure out how to turn the lights on. Right. I can't figure out how to smoke this weed. Like, I can't find the lighter and I can't find out how I can't turn the lights on. I'm just pitch black. I drop the fucking one hitter. It's glass. It shatters. I find it. I throw it in the toilet. I throw the thing, the pipe in the trash and I go, okay, whatever. And as I'm doing, they open the door. They open the door and they're like, can we, can we, we're checking the bus?

So I went, oh no, yeah, come on in. You need everyone needs to get off the bus. They take us and they put us in holding. And we sit there for 45 minutes. 45 fucking minutes. And Leanne, they woke Leanne up. Leanne's in her pajamas. I'm fucking drunk as shit. Jesus is there, our bus driver. 45 minutes and they are asserting this bus let's hop at the bottom. And Leanne's like, you're not a fucking idiot are you? And I was like, no, I gotta rid of everything.

She goes, you sure? And I said, yeah. So they're like, all right, you guys are all clear to go. And I was like, oh, thanks. And so they're walking us back to the bus. I go, hey, just have a curiosity. What if I did have weed on the bus? What would have happened?

And the guy goes, you mean like a glass one hitter that you dropped on the floor and tried to flush down the toilet, but you didn't know how to flush the toilet? Leanne looks at me. She goes, you stupid motherfucker. He goes, I would have flushed it for you and said, it's a pleasure to meet the machine. Can I get a picture?

And I went, I fucking took a picture with costumes, and I was like, I'm never fucking around with that shit again. They were, but they were cool as shit. Yeah. That was like, God damn it man, this. Yeah. He does that because I'm picturing also the guys like this sweet guy, like I said,

these 60s and the custom guy, I would custom guy does it to him goes like that, like show them to me and the guys like, no, he's like, yeah, coughs on, make some sit there with coughs on. I would love that to have her on. Ha ha ha. I'm like,

Ron's moved so much weight across the country for me. At one point, I was like, we gotta spread these drugs out. We have so much on one bite. Oh my god. When we did fully learned it, we had like $1,000 for the This is like the height of like, of like, uh, Black Lives Matters and, and we're driving through on the 60, like, like, out by Ponom or whatever, and Rung and a cop fucking throws the lights on it and Ron, and Ron's driving. He's like, Mother fucker, mother fucker. And I was like, what? He goes, fucking bullshit over from he saw his black and he's pull me over

I go wrong. Maybe he's just a big fan of mine because fuck you Fuck this is what it's like to be a black man and we're joking with him, right? I go I've always wanted to see what this looks like this harassment. Yeah, I never get to see it up close I'm so excited Ron. This is my first time witnessing it like I'm I'm busing his balls I'm also drunk, but I'm busing his balls so Ron's literally, it is pretty interesting to watch him to be in the car with a black man when he gets blower, because he shuts down. He shuts down, he's like, and he goes,

opens the door and he goes, can I help you, sir? And the guy's like, guys I can't talk to you outside. And Ron's like, motherfucker, motherfucker walks out out comes back in like he's seen a ghost and he goes He's a fan He want to know if you take a picture And I was like what he goes Broncos man This is what it's like to be white, huh? You get pulled over and like hey man. I'm just a fan

He should roll with me. I get police escorts all the time. Oh. You know how quick Ron would turn on me to be yours. Oh. He'd be like, if I could roll, if I could drive for Tom, because you, you guys have all the same interests, like, you know, sports and clothes and shoes and fucking. Yeah.

Yeah. All right. Fuck. We should wrap it up. Let's go get some lunch. I'm miss, you want to? Yeah. I would love that. 40 pushups is pretty good. Hey, fuck. We should wrap it up. Let's go get some lunch. You wanna? Yeah, I would love that. 40 pushups is pretty good.

Hey man. Especially for a guy that took a fucking straight on paylade at the door last night. Yeah, that was narrowly, dude. Yeah. I'm glad you made it. Who would have sucked to get here today and be like, you're here?

Bert died. I'm like, what? Well, I was like, can I tell you one of the things I thought I was like, I literally thought this in bed. I was like, I should be fine. And I don't want to have like, I literally thought this in bed. I was like, I should be fine. And I don't want to have to fly to Austin to do two episodes. I can do them right here tomorrow. Yeah.

Or I can sit in a hood, a fucking emergency room for the fucking night. You okay? I'm fasting. You're fasting? Yeah, well, I don't know if this counts as fast. I think coffee's all right. Yeah, I'm tingling in my fingers.

All right, we should go. All right. See you next time. Love you. Love you. No scripts to beat a booze amateur, Fatology, dirty jokes, Rancho Humber, no apologies. Here's what we call, Two Bears, One Cave. you