2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 145 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: August 8, 2022

Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer share stories about pregnancy scares, discuss the overturning of Roe v. Wade, find out about the history of orphanages, and revisit the PLASTT subreddit. Bert raves about the Oculus, which he just tried thanks to Brian Simpson, and a conversation about exes prompts the Bears to question which one of them is easier to fall in love with. They wrap up by discussing tequila, which Bert has officially switched to from vodka. They taste and review Cazadores and pitch their own tequila brand: Dos Osos. https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://www.bertbertbert.com/bertyboytourhttps://store.ymhstudios.com/

In the YouTube comments, all you have to do is Berkweiser or Tom Sviggura? Who would you more be more likely to fall in love with? I'm like, I have had so many people fall in love with me that it became a problem. It became a problem. I, it's, yeah, 100% A could talk like that. I guess so fucking because sometimes you see things and you just get like worked up, you're like, and then you realize, can't.

Did you ever have pregnancy scares like in high school or college? One. Well, yeah, I mean, I thought every time here's a problem. I, this is why I never really loved having sex. I said, okay. I thought is why I never really loved having sex. It's it. Okay. I thought I got someone pregnant every time. My favorite thing was like to like have a month where you just got blow jobs and you're like, then God don't worry about how I'm gonna baby this month.

Yeah. Now I wish I could get someone pregnant. I wish they would just let me get people pregnant. Like I wish she was just cool that raising them. Raising them? Yeah, I bring them home, I go. This is, yeah, this is, uh. This is George.

Yeah, this is a new kid. We're gonna be living with us. I got this girl pregnant. And then she was like, oh, I'm glad, you know, I'm happy for you. Yeah, I'm happy for you. I got, I got, um. You ever get an abortion?

No, no, I don't have a uterus or anything. I I I Remember though I was dating a girl and it was always condoms right Conoms and pull out right pull out I know, but I was young. Yeah. And is one of those things... Is that the rhythm method?

No, I don't think that's the rhythm. So the rhythm method is... The rhythm method is you're watching the cycle, so you know when... Oh, I've been doing the rhythm method totally wrong. That's it. You know what I thought? It was like, no, you're rhythm and you now can go. By the way, those are my favorite orgasms

when you pull out and clothe blow out on their stomach because you don't wanna blow load in them. See your fucking lick in the flame. Yeah, yeah. Those are my favorite orgasms. I don't even like the ones I'm having lately. Really? Unless I give them to myself, I'm kinda like,

I don't know, here's what happens. It's right this time about to have an orgasm. My brain goes, well, we won't be having sex again for another week. So it's almost like, it's like a cheat meal. Yeah, yeah. You know, go ahead, back to your pregnancy scare. Go back to your pregnancy scare. So I'm having sex. I'm in, I think I'm in high school. I'm either in high school or I'm a freshman in college. I'm in, I think I'm in high school, I'm either in high school or I'm a freshman in college. And I'm having sex and the girl goes, it's okay, you can finish inside.

As like, as you're getting there. So my brain, I don't know, I think a lot of guys' brains just go like, okay. Yeah. Thanks. And then, yeah. And it's an orgasm you're not used to because at that age, you know, it's like, wrap it up or pull out. So I do and then I, you know, afterwards,

I'm like, so like, are you on the pill or something right now or something? She's like, no, like, oh, wait, what do you mean? Like, why did you say that? And she's like, I don't know, I just felt like, I was like, wait, what do you mean? Like, why did you say that? And she's like, I don't know, I just felt like, I was like, wait, what? You just felt like it? So I'm like, all right, well, you know,

I'm sure she'll have her period any moment, right? Or like, soon. So like a week goes by, I'm like, you get your period. She's like, now, I'm like, okay, well, you know, let me know as soon as you get it. Yeah. And it goes into two weeks and then three weeks and I go, hey, she goes, yeah, I missed my period.

And I'm like, I'm like, you know, I guess at 18, 19, I'm like, oh my gosh. And then it gets to a month and I'm like, I'm a talk, talking to her like every other, you know, hour. Yeah. Did you do the come today? And she's like, no. And then I kind of, my whole brain shifts to like,

oh, this is happening because we didn't have. This chick needs to fall. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm actually like, I'm encouraging her to do like rock climbing and all this stuff rock climbing Yeah, just like like little scrambles and then put a little pad down if you like on your fucking stomach I'm gonna try kickboxing. Yeah, right so

Hey, I'm different boy Thai classes. Yeah, and and I'm putting you within like an expert He's gonna really fuck you up. Just start with sparring. Yeah, start with sparring. You don't need a no technique. Technique is overrated. Technique is overrated. But I remember getting the call, a gin in the stomach. I remember getting the call.

She's like, I got my period and I swear to God, I dropped to my knees. I dropped to my knees. Because what now I remember remember it was college because I was in a dorm room and I was like, I mean, it was the most religious I'd ever been. I was like, thank you God. You pray, I used to go to church. I'd go to church and just go, hey man, I'm not ready for a kid. I was like, I got a lot, I got big plans, I had no plans, I had no plans.

God knew I had no plans. She was already telling me that we were gonna move somewhere. What where? Like Carolina? Now like the Pacific Northwest. And like we were gonna raise a kid out there. How many, how many brilliant comedians?

How many stars of industry? How many millionaires, possible multi-millionaires, aren't there because of some kid? I don't know. That's a nice turn it took. I mean, that's when we talk about Roe Vee Wade. And this is two bears one car live.

I want to have it. I think I'm having a fucking stroke. Two bears one car. I don't know if Roe Vee Wade has been over overturned. Over overturned. They flipped it. Right. But they should look at like the dude's perspective.

You know, all these women are talking about their bodies. What about us? Yeah. And all the dreams we don't get. I mean, I understand you got to have a baby, whatever. But like, we could be athletes. Yeah. We could be titans of industry. Right.

But now if you have this thing. Yeah. Yeah. That's what you're going to connect to. All one here, those stories. Only here, those stories. Because that's what you're gonna connect to. All these dudes that aren't listening to women talk about their bodies, just all you gotta do is connect with them.

You gotta sell the product to the people buying the product. Right now, you're talking about women's rights, women's bodies. You gotta talk about men's rights, a men's body. And sell it to the men that overturn Roe v. Wade. And then go, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but would you be Justice justice Scalia. He's pretty dead. He's very dead. Yeah So I wouldn't use his name right justice Kavanaugh

Roberts Thomas. Yeah, yeah, Kavanaugh is the one that right he's he's the one that like a little one that, right? He's, he's one that like a little, errr, little, good, good, good, no, I'm taking a little step on him. Yeah. Yeah. Just this Kavanaugh. Hey, just this Kavanaugh.

Yeah. I'm talking to you, Brent. Would you be where you are today if that one scare had come to fruition? Right, that's the question. I'll tell you my scare. I remember a legit one of like, I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant.

I'm gonna go get a pregnancy test. I was 18 years old, 19 years old at Florida State, and I was sitting outside Williams Hall on their little, I walked by, when I did Florida State, they're like little, I walked by, when I did Floor State, I walked by there and I showed all the guys on my team or whatever, all the guys that work with me. I said, right there, I actually thought,

I laid on this, it's sidewalked in like a hill, then sidewalked goes, it's teared down. Yeah. And I sat on that hill and I thought, I'm gonna have a fucking baby. I'm fucking 19 years old I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready for this I remember thinking like I'm not I have what there's a lot I want to do and then and then to be the person that got to achieve all his dreams Because that baby I don't see that she didn't get an abortion issues. You didn't do any pregnant

But then to be the guy that achieved all his dreams and looked and goes, man, I remember being on that hill thinking, what the fuck? So that's all you gotta do is pitch it a bright carbon all that way. You say, would you be in the Supreme Court if that one time in college that chick didn't have a period? And if you knew, you could trade it all for one little, yeah.

All this little credit cards, white. Yep, that's it. That's all it is for the dude. All you gotta do, Brett, why are you fucking me in such a dick? Just, is he even vote for the Ravi Wade? Did he vote? Yeah, what was his vote? I had to be, I'm sure he's the guy that was like...

Yeah, I'm sure to overturn, yeah. It's so crazy not knowing anything about politics. And just going like, I just just assume because he's a white dude He probably was like yeah, I got fuck it. I mean he's one of the more one of the conservative just says yeah Automatic he ever seen that video him It's so fucking good. They played it on the bus non-stop Brett Kavanaugh automatic I we've got to be able to play this since it's fair game, fair use, whatever. Have you ever seen this?

Automatic. Oh, no, sometimes I had too many beers. Go to that. That can't be NBC news. No, no, no, no, no, no. Peabyeet. I'll find it. I'll find it.

Hey, I'll find it. Shane Gillis was saying, Shane Gillis and my cousin Andrew could not stop going automatic. Sometimes I killed too many beers automatic. Yeah, I fuck chicks automatic. He would say that? No, it's a splice up of him and it's fucking hilarious. Oh, okay.

But yeah, I don't know, whatever. My cameraman, Manz, we were talking about close calls in Tallahassee and he goes, we said, have you ever had a close call? And he goes, yeah, one time. And we were like, and then he goes, well, luckily she took care of it. We're like, that's not a close call. Yeah. It's called an abortion, man. Yeah. It's not a scare.

Yeah. It's not a scare. It is. You got to go pregnant. Yeah. Um, no, I never had an abortion. I wonder if Leant has. You've never asked? No. I don't think she has. She would have told me, right? I don't know.

She's from Georgia. I was this like, so that she came in the other day and was like, oh, they're outlying adoption in Alabama. And I said, this is abortion and she goes, oh. She looks at me and she goes, so they want orphans. Yeah. What if I happened to orphans, man? They're going to be more of them.

Yeah, we're going to bring back orphanages, I think, in bigger numbers. When did orphans die out? Like legit orphanages? See if we can find an orphanageage, orphanageage, orphanageage? Orfinage, orphanage in Los Angeles. Los Angeles, orphanage. Oh, one of mine, Vizan in orphanage. What would you do there?

Just teach him baseball. Shave their teeth and teach him baseball. No, there's a bunch of orphanages. Go to a Los Angeles orphan home. That sounds a little insensitive. How's it get three stars? They're like, um, they beat the fuck, they make a scrub the floors at that Chrysler building. Yeah. Man, little orphan Annie.

Holy grove. Adoption is awesome. Oh yeah, okay, so you can go there. So is it, but I thought it does, I thought adoption was like different these days. Well, I mean, there's different ways I'm sure you can end up adopting, but an orphanage is probably for a little bit older kid, right? Like that's not babies. Babies are cared for by, I don't know, the state

or a hospital or something. Yeah, that's kind of, it's just amazing. Something you just think silly and then all of a sudden it gets sad, hey, there's not a standard upper age limit under the care of an orphanage. They release them. Into the side when they reach age of 16.

Oh, who's letting them out? 16's pretty young, to be like, now you're on your own. That's really young, yeah. Well, I wonder what the height of orphanages was. Like probably like 1940, maybe. Oh, I bet it was probably around orphanages was. Like probably like 1940? Maybe. Oh, I bet it was probably around Robey Wade.

I don't know. I bet that- What was that meant? 16th year? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, almost guaranteed that their orphanages were a big deal. And then they were like, oh, by the way, you just killed these kids.

I'm like, oh, never mind. And then you got orphanages. I like that you can all but guarantee it. Oh. It's kind of crazy. Yeah. Adult Orphan. That's a good name of a band.

Yeah, that could be your band. I know Orphan Poet is a band. Little Orphan Annie. So like when Annie was out. 1726. Oh no, sorry. That's when the first one was created. 1726. You mentioned you get an Orphan in 1726. Oh no, sorry, that's when the first one was created. 1726, you mentioned being an orphan in 1726.

Oh my God. Okay, there's the first drop down. What? When we're popular in America. Between. It was 1800s, it looks like. How about, when did the US stop? Is this a stop using?

Is that a thing? By the 50s, more children live in foster homes than in orphanages in the United States. Oh, foster homes, which is different. Oh, yeah, because there are people that foster like taken, that's not considered an orphanage, right? It's a 1960s foster care has become government funded. Since then, US orphanages have gone extinct entirely.

So, it's not even really, I guess maybe those are some type of... Yeah, so we're not defending anybody. There are no orphanages. There you go. You know when they wrote Orphanani, Annie. Yeah. That was when orphanages were big,

Babe Ruth was an orphan. Yeah. Babe Ruth was an orphan. I know. He might have done that much fucking your head. He got given up. Babe Ruth, how old was Babe Ruth when he got given up? Dude, have you tried the Oculus?

For real, have you tried the Oculus? No, it's amazing. Really? It, and the dog you've tried it, right? Yes. Wait, hold on, is a myth Babe Ruth was an orphan? Oh, he was a problematic child. Ruth's parents simply didn't know what else to do with their troublesome child. Send him to a Catholic school when he was just seven years old.

I read the book about Babe Ruth when I was a kid. Pretty sure he was an orphan. Okay. Incorrigible. Incorrigible, right? Was Babe Ruth incorrigible? Ruth was not an orphan. Do you see incorrigible, right, was Babe Ruth incorrigible. Ruth was not an orphan. Do you see incorrigible?

Wayward, not just merely a delinquent, but incorrigible. Those women don't exist anymore. You're incorrigible, babe. Shave his teeth down. That's back when you get hit a woman, and that woman got hit. So the Oculus is pretty cool, right?

Dude, so we get an Oculus, Brian Simpson. Fucking, let's take two seconds to celebrate how funny Brian Simpson is. He's so fucking funny. Can I tell you, and I said this to him, and I also, I believe, by the way, to tie into it, I believe he was a foster kid too. For many years.

He was a foster kid. He was a foster kid. Yeah. He's very funny. It's funny. His brain, I was trying, every time I tried to explain this to him, I was too drunk, so it never came out right. The reason he said, you guys are,

I'm sorry, Brian, if I'm sharing a private story or whatever, because you guys are so I'm sorry Brian if I'm sharing a private story or whatever because you guys are so kind to me you guys are like really cool you guys brought me on the fully loaded and Rogan bring down here and you know Tom has me on two bears and takes me out and helps me out and he goes I you know and I don't know how to say thank you I said you don't need to I said you know you were doing it selfishly right and he went what do you mean. I said, you're funny as fuck, and you think different than most comics so that to be around you is a fun experience because I get to hear your insight on things.

Yeah. I said, it's crazy is that everything goes back to being selfish. I like Brian Simpson because I like to watch him think. Yeah. The way he thinks. He, and this is why I like Brian Simpson. He comes to do my podcast and he brings his Oculus and he thinks, he, and this is why I like Brian Simpson.

He comes to do my podcast and he brings this Oculus and he goes, Hey, man, can I let you try this out? And immediately I go, I'm not a video game guy, so I don't really want to do it. He's like, well, I think you should try it. Just try it. I try it out.

I'm like, I want to immediately, I go, this is fucking amazing. And he's like, yeah, I thought you'd like that. That's the way his brain worked. Is he didn't even really know me very well, but he goes, I bet Bert's a guy that would like this dude. I get fucking wasted with Ila. Just me, by just, but me and Ila turn on the Oculus.

And she is like me and that we are very, we're very, I don't know, we live out loud. We don't keep our feelings in. She puts it on and she goes holy shit an elephant Dude you go in Safari and you are with elephants. So it is it just Viewing experience or an actual game that you're playing no you can go on YouTube and do 360 viewing Yeah, and you are and and it's in a 360 camera. I'm telling you man I think this is the future podcasting is like you put a 360 camera right here and someone can just go

Is this the automatic one? Hold on don't play it yet? You go to you got automatic You go to 360 viewing and you can go scuba diving and it feels like you're scuba diving like I was holding my fucking breath Yeah, you go on safari you safari, you can do anything. The one that flipped me out was an edge of space. And they're like, okay. So you're in a hot air balloon that's about to go 70,000 feet above earth.

So get ready and hold on. And it takes off, Tom. And immediately I lose my stomach for real. And I'm like, and I had to it takes off Tom and immediately I lose my stomach for real and I'm like oh and I had to take it off I go fuck this and I like I'm gonna try it I like does it I was like oh my god and then you're going and then you're looking you're like holy shit it's so cool that's just a YouTube video you're watching a YouTube video and then and then you can do you can do games I think the games aren't quite as advanced but do the experience like I'm telling you if Rogan had a 360 camera in one of those seats And I could throw on my

Oculus you feel like you're sitting at the table It is so realistic Yeah, that you're like that you could just like to join have a drink and just sit there and then Talk and like you just watch it. Like you go from Aure to Shane to Mark to Joe to like back and forth. It was, it's the coolest fucking experience. It's cool. And it's, and then, and then someone,

someone I just won't say his name, Peter, but he was like, you should try the fucking porn. You can throw it on and you literally are like looking at your, like, like looking and going like, what the fuck? And they have machines that grab your dick and will fuck to the rhythm that she fucks to. So you're like, what the, get me one of those in my bunk on a tour bus.

Yeah. And I might not call my wife for the whole tour. Yeah. I might just fuck my bunk all week. Just, uh-huh, uh-huh. I mean, Oculus, dude. It's got a new birthday. You got it, you got it.

Oh, speaking of birthday, Leanne goes, so it's my 50th and they canceled my data. It's supposed to work that week. They canceled it. Leanne goes, do you want a destination birthday for my 50th or do you want a home birthday? Here's my thoughts. birthday for my 50th or do you want a home birthday? Here's my thoughts. Destination, not too far. Destination.

Fleet of helicopters, right? Mm-hmm. I'll take off at the same time. Like, like, it's all about memories, right? Yeah. I'll take off at the same time like apocalypse now and we like, go to the O, just dumb, don't know, don't know, don't know, don't know, don't know, don't know, don't know, I sort of'm thinking. What do you think? I think that's pretty cool. Are you gonna come to my birthday party? Are you working November 3rd? Well, the third is at a... So weekend.

It is a weekend, I thought it was a weekday. Sure. Hmm. It's a Thursday. I am working that day. Rock. And that weekend. But I'm not following a weekend.

Maybe we'll have to do a two birthday party. Are you working all November? Yeah, I'm doing, yeah, yeah. I think you are too. I know, I think you're doing something the week before I'm doing it. Oh, yeah. You know what I was going to get for Liam for her birthday? What?

Dwight Yoke. The man. I didn't think you were going to get her a CD. I was gonna get for Liam for Herbert Day. What? Dwight Yokem. The man? I didn't think you were gonna get her a CD. The real man in our backyard. I was gonna have him play for. Really? Did you reach out? I did, man.

Way more expensive than I ever was gonna spend on that woman. Can you, can you say and believe it? Can we believe it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck. Yeah, I thought there would be a price point because I was like, I was like,

oh, that'll be flex his wife. And nope, it's not happening. It's not happening so much that I told her, it's not happening. She was, I was gonna get it for a birthday and surprise her and she would, she loves Dwight Yoke him, loves Dwight Yoke him. It feels like she's connected to Dwight Yoke him. Yeah. She fell in love with Dwight Yoke him when she was younger and his listening to him all the time. Yeah. What was today, was he dating somebody famous for? No, that's, that's Lyle Loveitz. All right, with Julia Roberts.

But was it, Yoke him wasn't, I don't think so. I think I needed an adapter for this, Nadav, to plug it in. He's an interesting dude, he's really smart. He's friends with the guy we're going to dinner with tomorrow. Oh, he is? Yeah, and so he's really smart, he doesn't party. He's, I think he's a vegan. And by the way, he's like, he's made, the last thing he wants to do is play

some private party for a dude who's gonna be like, boy, boy, like, for that kind of money, I'm like, you know, he better be like, hey guy, man, can I try your board blinds out, you know? Yeah. Hey, no, you wanna lift weights? Hey, let's go, show me around the house, I wanna play with your dogs.

Like, yeah, yeah. You're like, I can't afford that. I would not be like that. No, oh, no, no, no, it would be like walk in, walk out. That's it. Thank you so much. Pleasure meeting you. One picture.

I do one picture. Sometimes I have too many beers, which I gladly do, in which I fully embrace. Automatic. Still is. I liked beer. I still like beer. Automatic.

Still is. But I did not drink beer to the point of blacking out. When I was in town, I spent much of my time working out, lifting weights, or hanging out, and having some beers with friends. Animal house, caddy shack, and fast times at Ridgemont High. Working out, lifting weights, too many beers, automatic, still is. Many nights I worked out with other guys.

Maybe it was because I'm an only child and had no sisters. Many of us became friends with students of local Catholic all-girl schools, Amy, Aurora, or Megan or Nikki, sometimes I had too many beers which I gladly do which I fully embrace Working out automatic Wacking out Automatically all girls scores All right I love I love the Supreme Court justice. Here justice. Here's what's crazy is those videos

are the best because he would hate it. Right, he would not like that. Like if he would like it, that's the weird thing about the internet, the thing that the person would hate the most are the funnest to watch. And then the only way, the only way you're able to basically enjoy or get past a video of like that being

made of you is if you embrace it at some, you know what I mean, you know what, I have to go, yeah, that's funny, you guys, You have to find a way. You have to give in. You have to find a little wiggle room. I think it was like, it's really, you know, I really think that it's amazing the internet can find the thing that bothers you the most about yourself. About yourself. Yeah.

They're taking just sense it out. And then, and a lot of it is responding. You respond to the thing that lights you up the most and then everyone goes, that's it. You ever, yeah, there's this, I get the same kind of thing, maybe comments or messages to you where someone's like saying things, whatever, and then they go, hey, fuck you, man,

or you're a piece of shit. And then you go, what? And then they're like, I just wanted to get your attention. Yeah. That's why I always try to not, like now that I've been doing this awhile, I go, oh, like don't reward that, right? Like don't reward someone just being like.

That was why I had to get a new phone because people would get into my pocket. Yeah. I could read a text and I was like, and it was people saying, you know, the thing that you think about yourself sometimes, about, oh, you're just fucking full of shit, you're fucking alcoholic, and you're like, and then those are the things that really... Fire you up.

That might be accurate. Well, and you're like, and you're the hardest, and then you're like, fuck you, I'm not like, you know? And so, yeah, if you can find a way to embrace it, I think that's when it becomes, I don't think it'll ever become fun, but you don't, it doesn't, like it's funny man, the I never gave a fuck about like,

births the most racist comic. It never bothered me. I never true. Cause it's not true. And it wasn't until the Black Lives Matter started and I was like, all right, we gotta just change that. Which we did. We did.

We changed it to a good- It's a good- It's a good- It's a good- It's a good- It's a good- It's a good- It's a good-

It's a good- It's a good- It's a good- It's a good- It's a good- It's a good- It's a good- It's a good-

It's a good- It's a good- It's a good- It's a good- It's a good- It's a good- It's a good- It's a good- It's a good- It's a person. It's a human with sloppy lips and a tailed if you play it right, feels like a... Yeah. Yeah. It's the thing that's real. It's funny, yeah, the racist thing. I remember when my Netflix special came out,

my management in Asia, and it's like, we need to get in front of this. And I was like, why? And they're like, because, and I'm certain there were probably people who saw my special, who then went to my comments, and were like, I mean, I like this guy, and then they're like, wait, was this racist stuff? For sure. And then they're like, I didn't know he's racist. were like, I mean, I like this guy and then, they're like, what was this racist stuff?

For sure. And then they're like, I didn't always racist, never mind, I'm out. But I also saw that after we were like, hey, we're pivoting away from that, somebody would leave that comment. And people would be like, hey, I don't know if you know, we're done with that, we've moved on.

Yeah. People were correcting other people. Yeah, it's the fun of it. Like, how great would it be if Brett Kavanaugh was like, guys were making an abortion's automatic. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you've never been,

you don't, you've never given shit about that. Now, I wouldn't say I don't give a shit about it. It's that I, like, you're, like, I just went through versions of it and then was like, oh, the way to handle this is, don't engage or, you know, like accept, there's acceptance does a lot for you. And you just go like, this is the way it is.

Even sometimes if people make like videos about you shitting on you, when we've talked about this, is that you just, some of them are good. Yeah. Some of them are good and some of them are pretty accurate. And you're like, and if you can find a way to love that and just go, hey man man, everyone's everyone.

Everyone has a job in this world. It's true. And also you realize, I mean, there's a couple of levels to it, right? There's like I said, not getting to a mo, like you'd learn to knock it as emotional. There's acceptance. There's also, like you said, that it's good. And then there's the part of you that goes like, well, you know, um, that this comes with the territory with what you do. We just called Daniel Craig and I'll see the other day. Yeah. That comes with territory. Sorry, man. You shouldn't have that face. Yeah. That comes with the territory. I'm sorry, Daniel

Craig, but you should understand on your yacht. That's crazy because people say that to me, but you got to relax in your big house big. you know, I've ever read that comment one time. And you're like, whatever, you know, I'll tell you what? LA Comics. Also, you as a, I guess what, you as a feature act? You don't have to worry about any of that. Nope. It comes with like where you're at. LA Comics are, oh, maybe not, maybe not.

I was gonna say, New York comics are way more aware of what the internet is saying. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. Like, we got on quite, I'm not gonna name names, but we, you know, did some tours together and I'm talking to some New York comics. Sure.

And they are, they have their finger on the pulse of the whole internet thing. I remember one guy called me up one time, and he's like, hey man, just you know, like we got your back, and I was like, for what? He was like, man, never mind. And I went, wait, what's going on with me? But they're like, they know Reddit.

I don't even know how to use Reddit. I really don't know how to use Reddit. I don't know if Reddit is an app or just a website. I've been, I've only put on Reddit. I clicked on it maybe a couple times, but the one thing I've been on Reddit was the machine story would go on. Well, don't forget, we also didn't we discover Plast together? Plast? Oh, wait, what was that?

That was Pussy Legs, Asshole, Tits and Toes or something. We need to get back to that. That was, there was a, there was that writer, the sex writer. Yeah. Michael Stahl. And he, and then, so you definitely saw it right at then Yeah, I've asked for it. Yeah, is read it the same thing is it's not the same thing is There's a great There's this girl. What was it called that we could post like

Blogs class. I forgot how great that was Blogs. Plast. I forgot how great that was. Plast. Fuck. And then we came up with our own one. Yeah, yeah, but let's not think about it. Let's talk about this. pussy ass leg and toes You're leaving out some letters. Plast. pussy ass. No, legs. Pussy? Pussy, legs. Ass. Tits. Smile.

Tos. Oh, that's what it is. Tos, nails and tits. Fuck, is this Reddit? Yeah. It looks like Facebook. It looks like an awesome Facebook page. Yeah.

God dammit. These women fucking rock. I mean, how cool are these chicks? Yeah, and you don't get full points if you don't include it all. See, like, sometimes they don't get it all in there. It would be cool if you could just FaceTime these checks, random, and get to know them. You want to get to know them? Yeah. Like, like, like, like they have such welcoming smiles. That's a very welcoming smile. That's a very welcoming smile.

That might be the key ingredient to what makes this one, this thing work is the smile component. All the sexual components are there, but the smile changes it completely, right? The smile makes it like welcoming them. They're like, hour in on it, you know? They're like, I know what you like. There's gotta be one smiling. That one's not smiling.

Guess what? We're scrolling past you. Yeah. That one's not smiling either, and now it's her pussy looks weird. Yeah, there you go big smile She didn't even have her pussy see full pay there. She goes she goes she's sweet I could not get Leanne to do this in a million fucking years post on blast I could not get her to do this in

If you said Bert has Is going to lose his arm and leg tomorrow unless you post a plast. She goes, looks like he won't be running anymore. Really? She would never. That's a big ask to be like, to be like, hey, post a photo of yourself, dude.

Okay, name it for me for you. They go. Wait, wait, let's start here. Let's start here. You have. I would do it for you so quickly. But this is my point. You have way more comfort with your new body than most people do. What is that? I don't know, but it's something I've known for a while. So it's not as big an ask to you. Okay, so what's a big ask?

Fuck six guys. I'm fucking dude for you, really? Yeah. I'm fucking dude for you. Really? Like if you said like, they're like, they're gonna come in our mouth. No, mafia calls up and they're like, we've kidnapped your buddy, Tom Sagura.

We're going to, we're gonna cut off a finger. Every hour you don't fucking dude. Oh my God. You got a fucking dude. I want everyone to roleplay this with your best friend right now. Okay. You get a phone call.

Hi, by the way, I had a dream of a brilliant script last night. Don't let me forget that. So you're gonna, you're gonna, they go, we got your buddy's home scorer. All you got to do is fucking do to save his life. For every hour you don't fucking do, we cut off a finger and it sends it to you. I'm gonna just, so we're real,

I'm gonna wait till they send me one finger just to make sure we're serious. Okay, shit. Let's just gonna fucking do it all in a large, okay. Right, so now I'm not, I'm not gonna be like, you're just calling me like, hey, we're more kidding, you can fucking do it. I'm gonna send you this picture and I'm like,

and I go, all right, and then I fucking do it. Do I fucking do it or does the dude fuck me? Well, that's the thing, it was your idea. Okay, if I fucking do that's easy, I go, Pete right, and then I fuck a dude. Do I fuck a dude or does a dude fuck me? Well, that's the thing, it was your idea. Okay. If I fuck a dude, that's easy. I go, Pete, we need you. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, I think the Russian, I would call a gated, I called Tim Dylan. Yeah. I mean, like, hey man, listen, Tom's in trouble. Yeah. I wonder if Tim would have sex with me. Do we talk about this before? We did, I don't remember this.

I don't know if Tim. You said yes. He would. I think he said me before you. No. That's don't remember this. I don't know if Tim. You said yes. He would? I think he said me before you. No. That's not with me. You want to call Tim? Nope.

Okay. Let's leave it up in the air. Okay. Um, I would be, no offense. I'd be genuinely offended if it was you before me. For real? Yeah. Dude, you realize Tim definitely, I'm more his type than you are.

I don't know that. How would I know that? Because we're just just hanging out with him. You know that he looks at a guy like me and goes, that is a guy I could fall in love with. You're like, you're not that guy. Okay. But you're not, you're not, people don't look at you and go,

people look at me and go, I could fall in love with him. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, What hold on hold on who do you let's fucking park here for a second? So you think if you think someone let's put it on Instagram. There's people watching right now Who put in the comments put in the fucking comments When you just look at us when you just look at us and you go all right Who could I fall in love with not? Who could I be in a relationship with whoa? We mean now who would I be relationship with falling in love with people like there's people like a fall in love with, not who can I be in a relationship with? Well, we may not hold on to relationship with. Falling in love with people,

there's people I can fall in love with very quickly. Like, okay. Like there's people I go, oh, that person's got the juju. That I can fall in love with. I can fall in love with them. There's something about them where I go after the first night of cuddling, we go up

and just everything about the guy where he gets up, and this is all me, but he's like, he gets up and he's like, what are we gonna do for lunch today? And you're not that way, you're like, I'm getting coffee. And I think that's hard to fall in love with. And you go, what are you doing?

And you're on your phone, you're like, googling porches. Like, I'm more like, hey, what are you doing on your phones? The people fall in love with that easier. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,. And then, Dad, will you fix this for me? You know what I'm saying. I don't know what he's saying. I don't know, I'm not really following. Oh my God.

Oh, no, no, no, let's be honest. Do you actually understand what he's saying? Uh-oh. He's lying right now because he wants to keep his job. No, there's no threat of losing your job. What the fuck is he talking about? Hold on, bro, can you repeat the thought? Okay.

We're talking about falling in love have you ever fallen in love to dog yes okay what were the attributes that person had that made you fall in love the moment where you went shit I think I'm in love it was tenderness warmness right I think it was talking shit to me. It was a dumb. He was a dumb. Uh-oh. Okay. You surround yourself with such broken people. You have a misfit fucking gast. Do you know, like...

Look, I've fallen in love and people have fallen in love with me. What do you tell people? Have you, okay, here's the question. What does happen more? Have you fallen in love more or have more people fallen in love with you? In my life? Yeah. It's a good question, hold on.

More people have fallen in love with me than I've fallen in love with them. 100%. Liam fell in love with me before I fell in love with her. because it happens to me if you won't fall in love movie very quickly Thank you. There's people watching this right now. I love him. I love him There are people doing that. Yeah, who do you think we'll have when they die? I think you're gonna be stunned at the YouTube comments No, no, hold on don't just do this to go I know be, be real.

In the YouTube comments, all you have to do is Berkweiser or Tom Sugura. That's it. Who would you more be more likely to fall in love with? Fall in love with. And we're talking about, yeah. Yeah, you're talking about like genuinely falling in love with. Genuinely falling in love with.

Like you go like, wow, seven dates and I'm in. Like I'm fucking, this is someone I wanna spend the rest of my life with. Yeah. Yeah. I think I definitely, you're a great one, I stand. You're like a fun friend, but falling in love is a different thing. I've had, I mean, I've had people fall in love with me.

Name them. We love each other. We love each other than push. How many name? Call someone that fell in love with you. Let's call people that fell in love with us. Okay. Let's call people that fell in love with us and find out why they fell in love with you. Let's call people that fell in love with us. Okay, my God. Let's call people that fell in love with us

and find out why they fell in love with us. Well, I know what they're gonna say. What are they gonna say? They're gonna say how sweet I am. That's what you're gonna say. Okay, okay, but hold on. Yeah, hold on. Hold on, you're the long cell.

What? Cause you are a sneaky person about like you go, like you don't realize you love you. I mask my tenderness as this is your strategy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true. And then all of a sudden one day you're like, motherfucker, but it's too late. They've already fallen in love with me.

Yeah. Like you're like two months in. I'm like a weekend, a weekend and you fall in love with me. I'm like, I've haven't so many people fall in love with me that it became a problem. It became a problem. I, it's yeah, yeah, because then their love gets, it confuses them and then they,

I said, I know it's not like a crazy person right now, but I swear to God, I wanna see if I, I wonder if I have no someone who's fall in love with me. I wonder what the thing was. Don't be, I remember when they told me she's in love with me. It can't go so suck inside. I can't go so second sideways.

It could go so bad. But I want to call them, but I know it's going to sound creepy. I call this one X-Girl from one time. I was like, I was a pretty good wakeboarder, right? She was like, what is this about? And I was like, I'm having fun. Do you know, I called an X for a bit. We were going to try to do on the podcast.

And she was like, wait, what? And I hadn't talked to this person in years. And then I was like, yeah, I was trying to, and here's the thing, you're so used to pitching ideas to people that are used to hearing, like, bits. So I'm like doing this to somebody who has like zero comedy or production. And I'm like trying to summarize it in a phone call. I'm like, yeah, we want to do this bit. We're like, talk to an ex. And then she's like, huh? And I'm like, fuck, and I realize

that it sounds crazy. But I'm used to like our world of like, no, here's the bit. No, come on, go play along with them and she's like I Loved you so much and I was like Ah That's fucking awesome. Yeah, you got me. She was real and I was like you said you could come inside me inside me. I danced in your comb. Yeah. So like right now if you asked Lee Ann why she loved me she wouldn't be able to answer it because it's clouded and being around me so much. Yeah. But I kind of asked her one time on a pot. She did the podcast with me when you

were filming. Yeah. And I was like, God, he's like, he's such a fucking mess. And like, you know, all this shit. I'm like, I don't know what you like about him and all that. And then I go, how do you deal with, how do you deal with all the birth stuff? And she was like, you know, I think I'm gonna give up on, am I gonna, yeah, it's gross, he's gross.

And do you think I'm gonna, it's my girl. She's like do you think I'm gonna? It's my girl. She's like, you think I'm gonna pass that up for a chance on love? Like, am I gonna do away with all this totally reprehensible? I love her more than anyone's ever loved her and her fucking life.

I love her more than anyone deserves to get loved. Like, no one should get loved as much as I love her. That's, it's almost like creepy. Really? Yeah. No one should get loved as much as I love her. It's almost like creepy. Really? Yeah, like, yeah, I love her. I love her way more than she loves me. Way more. I mean, I think she cares for me more,

but I love her more. Like I go, I gotta kick out of that woman. Like I fucking, I love when she talks. Like, when have you ever loved when a woman talked to you? Yeah. Like, where's they like, you wanna hear my thoughts? Remember in high school and you'd be like, oh, here we go.

Yeah. And college, it'd be like, you go to dinner and they'd be like, and they'd be like, I wanna tell you about me, and when I play volleyball and you're like, but you actually enjoy that. I love when she talks. She tells stories and like,

you know how I am when someone tells a story Sometimes I'm just like fucking your sometimes you're fucking it up. Yeah She fucks up stories, but man. She's got some good stories But back to the first point Okay, you think that it is well, I'll get us a quick answer real quick We share a lot of We share a lot of people on Instagram. Who? Who? Instagram.

Here's my question. This is ridiculous. Who do you think you could fall in love with quicker? Me or Tom Segura? You can be a man or a woman to answer this. Who do you think you could fall in love with quicker? Who's got the juice? Me or Tom Segura, please answer honestly.

God bless America. Okay, I don't trust your following. So here we go, round two. Link. All right. Hey, Instagram, quick question. Who do you think you could fall in love with more quickly? Me or Bert Kreischer.

Answer honestly. Be honest, who would you fall in love with? Fall in love with quicker, me or that? That! Okay, hold on. And then what, now do it a poll? Now do a poll. Oh my God.

But, you know, Felipe S. Barz is a vegan? Now, yeah, he only eat Oreos. Not even not only Eatorios, Of course, it's a vegan. No. Yeah, the only tutorials. Not only tutorials, but that's the only treat treat. Are those vegan treats? Yeah. I didn't know that. Or maybe I've heard that before.

All right, you ready to get any answers? It's uploading. Look, here's the pot I broke last night when I hit my head. Bro! Yeah, I know. All right, it's up. Activity, well, I'm gonna vote for Bert real quick. Jesus Christ.

That's 100%. Yeah. Ha, ha, ha. Who do you think, okay, who do you think out of our wives? Who do you think people would fall in love with quicker? Leanne or Push, I already know the answer. Well.

It's Push. Leanne is hard to like alone, fallen love. That pole would be it's Christine has a bigger footprint like online. No, no, I'm just saying between me and you like knowing them. Leanne's like a fucking tough cell. Oh, like push pushes, push is very like she's very like um, she's good at like making you feel good about yourself. I'm like, oh, how you doing? She's a really sweet person.

She makes friends very easily too. Yeah. Leand is not make friends very well. They both have this thing though, where you walk out of a room and you're like, Jesus Christ, you know what, you just said to that person? Oh my God, yeah. Like I've said so many times like,

hey, you need to go back in there. Yeah. Like, he's in a wheelchair, Leana. What the fuck were you thinking? I'm just being honest. I'm just being honest. I'm just, like, yeah, you shouldn't be. Don't always be honest.

You don't need to. Or when the girl said that and then Leana just went like this, I go, hey, move your face. Yeah, move your face around. What are you doing? Your face is stuck like that and you're going, ah, ah, ah, all right Tom, what are you getting on this pole? I'm actually not getting anything, cause, move your face. Yeah, move your face around. What are you doing? Your face is stuck like that, you're going, ah, ah, all right Tom, what are you getting on this pole?

I'm actually not getting anything because it's still uploading. Only one person seen it, and it's. We need to give it a few minutes. Here we go. Woo. I'm swapping you. Yeah?

I'm stomping you. 62% to 38%. Wow. Well, they are my followers too. Yeah, I know, it's probably eight votes. I wonder how many followers we have that overlap. Less than you think. Do you ever, in the crazy when someone posts you

and it tags you in a video and they're like, they're like going to see Tom's a girl's show and then you go to their profile and then they don't even follow you? Yeah, or you're the one that we talked about? What? Like when it, it's just like some upcoming random comedie you don't know and you're like, you don't follow me.

You're like, you don't follow me. You're like, you don't follow me. Hahaha. Hahaha. Jesus Christ, man. There was a guy, there's a guy that's really fucking funny. Yeah. Oh, fuck what's his name? I just followed him the other day. Terrogans, he is really fucking funny.

Yeah. Like I watched him and I was like, oh shit. And I was like, I'll hit him up. And you know, tell him, hey, you should come on the podcast or something. And then I went to his thing and he was like, he didn't follow me, doesn't follow anyone I know. And I was like, I can't message him now.

So I was like, oh fuck. So I just followed him. He's really fucking funny. Derek, can you, what else is fucking hilarious? Did I just solve for the first time, like, hung out with? Owen Smith. Owen Smith? Did I say the right name?

I might have to edit this out. You've never seen Owen before? No, yeah, Owen Smith. I say the right name. I might have to edit this out. You've never seen Owen before? No, yeah, Owen Smith, Jesus Christ, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'd never seen him, but I heard Joe talk about him so much and everyone talk about him. And so I was doing the Wednesday night at the store and I was like, hey,

and you get Owen on the show. Owen Smith had in his set one to two jokes that I had written that day, that day I'd written them and he went up and they were already like, well, fucking form thoughts. And I was like, mother fuckers. Yeah, he's always been really funny. He was a fun hang, a fun fucking hang too. Always been really funny. Dude, yeah, fucking Owen Smith, man.

I feel like you did some trickery on my phone. Why? Because they're on upload. It's been really funny. Dude, yeah, fucking, oh and Smith, man. I feel like you did some trickery on my phone. Why, because everyone's- Because it's on upload. Well, maybe it's the saying you're not lovable. Yeah. It won't upload. And everybody said try again. No, it's right there.

It's uploading. But everyone online, you know, you're on the Wi-Fi. Get off the Wi-Fi. Get off the Wi-Fi. Yeah, you don't ever use your own Wi-Fi. What? No, don't ever use your own Wi-Fi. Do you ever look at a, like,

you ever see someone who tweets hateful shit to a comic and you're like, what a fucking garbage piece of shit this is and then you go to their page and they follow you. Oh. You ever, this is a scary one. You've never had a public, like a guy, like a single shooter and like the guy, what's the guy who was in Kanoga? The kid that,

pop, pop, pop, pop. Get killed. Who's the kid that killed the Kanoga? In the Kanoga, you killed the two pedophiles in skateboarder? What the fuck, oh, you know what? Oh, it was constant. Yeah, right.

Well, written house. Yeah, Kyle Rittenhouse, that was a fucking interesting one to see if he followed me. Does he? I don't think so. I hope not. Hey, pull up Kyle Rittenhouse, see if he follows me. Does he? I don't think so. I hope not. Hey, pull up Kyle Ritt now. See if he follows me. I bet he does now.

I bet that account's been probably. You don't think he's online? All right. What's the, what's this? Oh, right, right, right. The swimmer from Stanford, the swimmer from Stanford who raped that girl. You're like, please don't follow me. Please don't follow me.

This is Kyle Rittness House. Oh, that is him. Okay, see who he's following. Oh, fuck. I guarantee you. Look, by the way, there are just tell me what it is. I'll see. I'll see.

What is it? This is follow it now. How many followers does he have? 200 and yeah, I had one to that. You're following. No, he doesn't follow me. Thank God. Let's see who he follows.

He follows. Only follows Rogan. NRA. He does. Yeah. He definitely follows Rogan. Look, look, look, look. Try again.

He won't let me upload it. This is rig. This is a rigged election just like the 2020 election that was stolen. Re-cow! They won't upload. Um, let's see. Let's see where my numbers are. I'm fucking slaughtering you. Are you? 61%.

Wow. 61% with 1900 votes. That's, yeah. It's a good. I think, but who do you think would cheat on you first? Me or you? What? Who do you think if they were falling in love with us? Right? Who out of me and you? Who do you think would cheat on them first? Me or you? It's me. It's me. Who would be cheated on first? No, who'd cheat on them? You would you would? Oh, yeah. I miss I miss cheating so much. Oh, yeah. I miss, I miss cheating so much.

Like, I will never do it. You talk about it all the time. Yeah, I know. Well, I used to be a big cheater. Really? Oh, yeah. I've cheered on everyone ever dated, except for Leanne. Isn't that crazy? Yeah, you don't, I don't know.

You don't give off that energy. No, I, what it was, was I wasn't, I wasn't someone who could break up very easily. Oh, so that's how you ended it. That's how I ended it. And, and that was was the fun, like knowing you're out of the relationship, emotionally, you're done, and you're like, and I didn't, I was, and by the way, this is a coward's move, is like, you should just go to the person and say, hey, I'm done. Leanne never teetered on anyone, and I was like, God, you missed out.

Yeah. It was fun, especially in high school, and you're like, I'm not getting married to this fucking person. I don't know why this fucking counts. I don't know why I'm a bad person. I'm just having a fucking fun. Yeah. At the end of the day, I'm the only one that can prove that I'm alive getting married to this fucking person. Sure. I don't know why this fucking counts. I don't know why I'm a bad person. I'm just having a fucking fun. Yeah. At the end of the day, I'm the only one

that can prove that I'm alive, right? Like I can't prove they're alive. I don't even know if they're all fucking bots. So why not cheat on them, right? Anyway, you called me and said you had made a new discover. You actually texted our group and said that you're like, big, big news guys. Oh, I am switching to tequila.

And you weren't a tequila guy and you said, like, there's less sugar in it. I gotta pay this, I gotta pay the compliment forward to Fit Vine first. Okay. Cause you know I'm a big fit vine drinker. I'm a big wine drinker, but Fit Vine ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and fit Vine are very similar. And I mean this, I don't know the right way to say this, but there's less sugar, so that sugar is what fucks you up. Well, my sister, we're emptying out the tour bus. I go over to, it's at my sister's house.

And so we go over to the tour bus, my sister's out, she goes, what are you doing? She goes, I'm having a tequila, my new drink, and I went, what is it? She goes, Cassadragones, I went, Cassadragones, Tom sent me a bottle of that. It looked really familiar. You, the one you sent me was really expensive.

The one she had was just like the regular bottle, the $90 bottle. And so like the $54 bottle right there. And so, I said, well, let me try some. And so I had a couple glasses of tequila with her. Just straight up or some lime and some soda water. And I went home that night.

I felt my buzz, I felt good. Got in bed, had some water, got in bed, woke up. And I had 98% recovery on my whoop. And I slept sound as fuck and I went, that's interesting, it's gotta be a fluke. I'm sure that maybe the battery's almost dead. You never mind. The next night, Torbott's still there we go over

and I said, hey, do you have any more tequila? And she goes, I do. So we have tequila again and I go, okay, I just have to kill her. And now this time I really ty one on. Yeah. And then I go to bed, I wake up, I got 78% recovery. Now my recovery is consistently in the red,

always in the red. And I noticed that I wasn't tossing and turning at night, I was just kind of sleeping. And I set, I reached out to someone and they're like, well you know, it's because it's got less sugar and starch. And I went, shut the fuck up. They start googling it. And you're like, oh yeah, that's why the rock has a tequila.

That's why all these fucking celebrities have tequila. So I was like, all right. Well, I think they have it because it's just popular to consume, though. I think it's also that turnaround, like I can now achieve. My whole thing is always minimum recovery. Yeah. And so I remember seeing the rock drinking tequila on this private jet and going like, the fuck, man, don't you have to work out tomorrow?

Yeah. You can on tequila. When you drink tequila, you are, I wish I had a glass of tequila right now. I wish I had a glass of tequila right now. I might have been fucking around. It's so enjoyable with a little lime, little soda water, and man, my bounce back last night.

Well, last night's a bad example, because I did have a head injury, but. Oh, right. But my recovery has been in the green since I started drinking tequila. Wow. In whoop. I'm so upset. Why?

Because I can't fucking post this thing. But you're the one, you bought me that bottle of dragonis. Yeah. Casodragones. So I'm now switching off of vodka. I'm off vodka entirely. I'm just doing tequila and I'm tasting all the good tequila. Right now, Casamigos and Casabragones are my two favorite ones,

but I wanna lean into other ones. I know Teremana is the rocks. And I would... Casamigos was the cluny one, right? Hey, type in what famous? Famous? Oh yeah, number one is Ron Whites. Ooh, and Ron Whites doesn't drink anymore.

He doesn't, but that's like Neeta spokesperson. Who drank? And by the way, you are really like convincing about drinking. Yeah. Like right now you're talking about tequila. You made me want a tequila. I wanted tequila really bad.

But do you have Blanco tequila? It's Blanco tequila is what I like the most of. Hey, will you type up what celebrities have tequilas? Cause I'm not, I don want to get in the lick. I always get approached by do you want to start a liquor company? I don't I want I Want to start like a do we have a fucking block or Tiquilas? We should Michael Jordan has Syncoro okay, Dwayne has Teramana

Clooney, Casamigo's that one's sold. Chain Smokers, Ha-Ha or Jajah? The Chain Smokers, what do they have? I didn't know that Santana, Casanovaly, of course Buffett has Margaritaville. That's gotta be the shittiest one on that list, guaranteed. I bet it's the best. Why?

The understructa-quila? Wait, what the fuck? I've had, I've had, I've had, what's, what's, Sammy Heigar? Yeah. Sammy Heigar, he's, is Adam Levine and Sammy Heigar have the same one? Sammy Heigar has,

Cobbawabo Tequila. So he had bottles of Cobbawabo, right? We were judging a beauty contest for Miss Cabo Wabo. Okay, Miss Cabo Wabo. And there's like nine women. And then Miss Cabo Wabo's going on tour with them. She's gonna go, we're gonna, we're gonna be the judges.

Whoever we pick, they go on tour with them for the next nine months on, for Sammy Hagar. Yeah. And so, no. What is it? Is it Taremana? Yeah. It's Taremana? Let's light it up, baby. Oh, it's not the blonde goat.

We might have one of the back. Fucking goat get it. Please. Please. Please. But so we're all getting ready to vote. So vote to Miss Caboabo. And so they all do their speeches, they all do their talent,

and we're all lining up our things. And Sammy Hagar comes over, I'm sorry, Sammy, if this blows your spot, Sammy Hagar comes over with signed bottles of Caboabo, puts them down and he goes, hey, it's number eight. I said, what? And he goes, it's number eight.

I'm like, what? And he goes, I'm going on tour with this person for nine months. Number eight. It walks away. I was like, okay? And he goes, I'm going on tour with this person for nine months. Number eight. It walks away. I was like, okay, what's this? Caza Doris. That sounds good, right? Adverture.

Do you have any ice? I'm no, there's no fucking ice here. No. It's like you guys don't even live here. Type in Cazadoras. See how much this costs. What are you getting ice? He is so good.

Yeah, he is great. Was he an orphan? He was. What if you did? Orphan podcasting orphans. Orphans podcasting orphans? Oh, is this a blue agave? High tequila blanco?

No, put it in 9, 11. Real tequila for real people. Real tequila, art tequila. Let me tell me about your tequila. I might do this as an, oh my God, you are the cutest fucking thing alive. I know, it looks like someone was icing their knee with it, but that's okay, we'll take it. Yeah.

Discover, tell me something about Casadour. Let's do this, Tom. Okay. Let's do this. Give me that cup. Hey, if you're a tequila company, send your bottle of tequila to two bears, one cave, and we will be sampling tequila's for the next year. I bet there's gotta be 50 bottles of tequila, right?

Oh yeah. Yeah, 50, everyone. Start them with the rock. Hey, someone hit up the rock. DJ! Send us a brand new bottle of tequila. Hey, you're doing! Hey!

Do I ever play my voice text of the rock to me? Do you? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I still have it. I play it every now and then. You do? I'm feeling depressed. I go, the rock fucking called me.

Yeah. Fucking the rock, the rock, the rock. He was like, hey, brother. Hey, he just saw you posting about Tiramana. I'm going to do my best rock impression. Did he send you a bunch? He did not. He said he was going to be like, gig, it was funny because we best rock and press. Did he send you a bunch? He did not. He said he was like, gig, it was funny

because we texted back and forth. And then he was like, give me your address and I'll send you some Tehramana and I was like, fuck man, yeah, and I gave him my address. And then it never... I know this is a horrible thing to say in podcasting, but I'll tell you, I'll tell you who messaged me.

You have to, sorry, but you have to. Donald Trump? Nope. Oh. No, she didn't. She did. Wait, when? Last week?

No, she didn't. No, she didn't. Yes. Let me check to see if she has that message, me real quick. She's not messaged you. Oh, because you were with the ****. No, shut up. Oh, wait, okay, you believed your name out?

Yeah. Oh, you believed your name out? Yeah. Oh, you believed your name out? Yes. I thought you could be a f***ing. Yes. Bleeping f***ing. Yes. Why? Shut up! This is why I can't tell you anything.

I love the smell of tequila. It smells so good. All right. Can you believe it, Danny? Danny, I'm going to be a little bit more honest. I love the smell of tequila. It smells so good. All right. Do you believe Danny, uh, Danny Brown's never seen Black Panther? No.

Any, he didn't go see Get Out. Black, Danny Brown. Danny Brown didn't go see Get Out because he didn't want to feel badly about white bitches. Danny Brown is one of the most interesting fucking people. His fucking perspective is hilarious. It's terrible. So funny.

Yeah, I really gotta kick. Cheers. Cheers. Shit. Uh. Ah. What? Just, okay.

What did she call you about? Shut up. Wait, what did she, what did she say? I'm never telling you anything. Why? Because you do this. So this is our review of Castadoras. Okay, this is Castadoras.

Pull up, I wanna know more about Castadoras. And this is how we'll go, guys. You sent us about a little gila, especially you, the rock. I don't think that. And then Castadoras. This is, why is Castadoras a good gila?

But also, this is the Castadoras Blanca, which has the highest rating, by the way. Okay, well, so this is what? So Casadoras is a great tequila for margaritas, because it's got high notes of basil, lemon blossom. It's great for sipping too, but especially well suited for margaritas, thanks to its freshness,

roundness, and agave characteristics. So this means it's probably pretty sweet. It's probably got hints of something and I think what the sipping tequila go to, I know that castodragones is a sipping tequila. So typing castodragones and then let's see, is castodragones a good tequila? Is it gonna roll?

And that's go down, go down, go down, go down, go down. Right there. Is it a real tequila? What the fuck? It's Oprah's favorite tequila. It's Alan, Alan, DeGeneres. Alan, DeGeneres. Okay.

Alan, DeGeneres. Okay. Alan, Elaine, DeGeneres. Hey, let's think of a merch idea. Let's think of a shirt we could sell real quick. We have a good one coming. Do we? Yeah, what? I'll show you. Cheers. Cheers. Hey, tap it, tap it, tap it, tap it. To live on the beach Tommy, me and you about each life or beach life. It's interesting. I can taste the sweetness in it. It's the, the,

that goes down clean. It does. That's really nice. Casa Doris. And I love, if you had, if you, if we were gonna, let's do a, let's do a liquor. Maybe we'll do a liquor. Okay.

What will we name it? Casa. How do you say bears? How do you say bears? Also. Casa. Dos, dos ojos. Osos. Dos osos.

Yeah. Casa dos ojos. House of the two bears. Dos osos tequila. Dos osos tequila. Yeah. Dos osos. And Tom,

oh my god, why don't we have a fucking tequila? Yeah. Why don't we have a tequila? I think we just, we think we just pitched it right now. Because, because you can speak Spanish,

so you can sell it, and you, okay, so, no, no, no, no, no, oh my God, oh my God. Tom, you can say things about the rock and George Clooney that they don't know you're saying because you're saying it in Spanish. And you'd sell it to the Latino culture. You'd be like say something like, say something in Spanish about like negative.

Like they don't like certain things. La piedra y glúdeos, unos salvajes animados, un racista, no les gusta los latinos, este es para nosotros, es nuestra tequila. Dos ojos, dos ojos, dos ojos, dos ojos. Eso es los requisitos una gran puta de la concha de su madre. Ah, no te gusta los incas o las tecas, ¿no? ¿Ve? Los incas, or stecas, right?

Hey, rock, a cluny sonatis. So, it's a rock, a cluny sonatis. I, Daniel, Daniel Quero. James, a Bond, a tagging. James Bond, a man, claro, claro. All right, no, no, I love this. Let's get back in the Spanish. This, we can really sell it fucking tequila. Yeah, we will.

Oh, this is what, okay, this is our first commercial, okay? Okay. It's, I'll speak in English and you speak in Spanish, but you don't have to say the same thing I say in Spanish. You can say something different. I go, hi, my name is Berkrij, I'm an Isitam Sgarra, and then you go, Esgordol i guapo.

Right, and then I go, listen to him if you just be Spanish. And then I'll go, we came out with our brand new tequila, and he goes, it's Pekeno Bingo y Grande Bingo. And then maybe that's not a great commercial. Yeah, sure. Why didn't we drink tequila earlier? What do you got for the rest of the day? Spend the time with the boys.

Yeah, actually. And I want to come out and see the boys. Yeah? Yeah, but we're here for a while. the time with the boys. Yeah, actually. And I wanna come out and see the boys. Yeah. Yeah, we're here for a while. Okay, come on out. Yeah. Sure.

Come out, come out. Where are we going? Where are we going? We need to think globally. I know, I know Nadov, but this is when it's fun. It's when we've gone a little too long, then we just break out a drink. This is when it gets,

goo, goo, goo, this is when it gets goo This true. I know we're gonna our merch is what Guys we're introducing two shirts One says I fell in love with Bert one says I fell in love with Tom. Oh, that's how we're gonna find out who you'd fall in love with more Okay, I fell in love with Bert. I fell in love with Tom There you go and that is how we decide who is falling in love with most just study those numbers You study those numbers. What did you do? I'll just tell you what my numbers are real quick. Yeah

Right now. Yeah, right now I'm at Yeah. Right now, I'm at 67% compared to 43% for you. Yeah. Is that 110%? Sure, those percentages are right. My vision's not great these days. All right, we gotta wrap it up. I love you.

I love you more. I love you more. I love you more. Okay. I love you more. I do love you I love you more I do love you more than you love me don't stop no no I do and I tell you what I love you so much that I think this should be a fun game to find out who people will fall in love with first okay okay all right I love you love you too I know you do I'm very easy to fall in love Bird time, time and bird One goes top and swap the other wears a shirt

Tom tells stories and birds the machine There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean Here's what we call Scroobe, there's one cave No scripts to bid a booze amateur, Fatology, dirty jokes, Rancho Humber, no apologies. Here's what we call Two Bears One Cave.