2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 153 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Duncan Trussell

Episode Date: October 3, 2022

Duncan Trussell joins Tom Segura in Bert Kreischer’s place for this week’s “2 Bears, 1 Cave.” They discuss the new Armie Hammer documentary, Vlad the Impaler, North Korea, UFOs, Mos Def, Ted Bundy, and the Mari Aoki phenomenon. They also swap stories about “relieving themselves” on airplanes. https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://www.bertbertbert.com/bertyboytourhttps://store.ymhstudios.com/

You know, this sounds so dumb. I smelled my own fart for the first time and like, I don't know, like, over a year. Tell me how it was. It was incredible. I like, I teared up. 100%. I'm a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a and we're from the doctors, it's going well. Sitting in for him is the great Duncan Trussell. Thanks for coming Duncan.

Hi, thank you for having me. We're so excited to see you. I'm excited to see you. I thought you were gonna stunt on me because last time I ran into you at the Beverly Hills hotel. Yes. You were in full Gucci doubt.

So I went out and I was like, I'm gonna get a Gucci shirt for Duncan Trussell's appearance. Oh my God. And then you said, I was gonna wear a Gucci shirt for Duncan Trust's appearance. Oh my God. And then you said I was gonna wear a Gucci shoes on. I'm gonna let the audience know. I do, yeah. I love seeing you in Gucci. I, okay, here's the thing.

I didn't do it because I thought if I wore a Gucci shirt, you would make fun of me for it. Look at us. Just a couple of rascals. But anyway, yeah, that's why I did this for you, buddy. Looks good. Thanks, man. Thank you.

I wish you had more yours. Do you go to the store to pick them out? No. I, uh. Yeah, it was that foot in one of those stores. Those are nightmares. Yeah, no, I just went online. Okay.

Yeah, I had to send to the house. Too much pressure on the stores And here's the thing it's also it's it's a lot of pressure to get it to because fit arrives And it's not what you like or fit you're like fuck this was so much I'm out with you got to send it back. You got to procrastinate Yeah, you have to man. Yeah, so you are now an Austin resident. Yes. How are you liking it here? I love it You love it. Yeah, it's great. here? I love it. You love it. Yeah, it's great.

Yeah. I love it. It's so much like, it's such a different feel, right? The, the, the what you're used to. Well, yeah, because I was up in North Carolina. I know. I'm up in this little town. So, Asheville, Asheville.

Asheville, Asheville. Asheville, yeah. Cool town. Yeah, cool town. But in a look, obviously, people really love it, but I think living in LA too long, it's like once you're just used to that and then you go to a smaller place, you, you just, it's really difficult to transition, actually shift into that. Because you know, everyone's got the fantasy, the move to the country fantasy. Yeah. And then you realize that I could, could only where I could live in the country is if I had access

to the city not far. Do you know what I mean? I can live I think 30 minutes, maybe max, from I need to have a city center kind of to go to feel grounded in this world. That's it, yeah, we're fucked. That's it, we're just locusts. Like they have to be around things far. I do. I do. I have to be. I realize I couldn't do that

real. I live up in the mountains. No. But a lot of people think they can. It's just like a romanticize it. Yeah. You think you're going to go up there and just like relax by a stream, weigh in your hammock. Yeah. and then you go, mm-hmm. That's fun for a week. That's real fun for a week. Yeah, a week. You know, like a vacation that's like totally removed from things.

Yeah. That's really nice going to a beach that they like, we don't even get cell signals. You're like, I can do this for a week. Yeah, and then there's also the other stuff out there. Yeah, it's like, there's a lot going on out there in the country, like a lot going on out there. Scary stuff?

Well, you know, like, in the city you'll hear these stories of like, there could be a civil war. And you're like, shut the fuck up, that couldn't ever happen. Right. And then you go out to the country. And it's like, this is in the hallmark channel.

Movie happening, there's no like, urbanites falling in love with like, this isn't a hallmark channel. Movie happening, there's no like, Urbanites falling in love with like, the noble country folk. There's people out there like, if firing ranges, training every day, just getting ready, because they- Get it, get it, ready. Yeah, they know it's coming.

I saw this video about, hey, you know, it's coming boys, just letting everybody out there know that they're coming for our guns, and it's gonna be the IRS who comes and takes them from us. And then the guy looked at the camera, he goes, you know what to do. And you're like, what the fuck are, what? And then he goes, don't pay your taxes.

And he goes, if enough of us do not pay our taxes. Yeah, that'll work. That's what's gonna work. And you realize that there are people watching that, though. Like we watched that and they're like, could luck fuck face. Yeah. But then how there's people out there who are like,

yeah, they just got convinced. Well, there's people who think you don't have to. Like there's people who think that you can write a special thing. I have a friend that was like, no, no, but here's a thing, man. It depends on whether you, what type of citizen you claim to be in a website. Sovereign citizen?

Yeah, you're sovereign. Like, have you been sovereign for long? And do you think this is gonna work in court? And then they'll pull up like a website, and be like, see? Yeah, it says it here. That's it. They think there's code words you could say to police.

Like when you get pulled over. Oh, there are. Oh, there are. Yeah. And you see, there's old videos of cops and the exasperated look they get when they got a sovereign citizen. It's like, oh, fuck, man. I want to say that most deaf pulled that

when South Africa tried to kick him out a few years ago, they were like, you don't have a visa. You have, like, and he was like, first of all, I think he had changed, I was like, right, when he changed the being like, you don't have a visa. You have to, like, and he was like, first of all, I think he had changed, I was like, right when he changed the being like, Yasin Bay, and I wanna say, he goes, in his statement or something that he's a sovereign citizen, that's why he doesn't have need to update his path. Most of had been allowed out of South Africa,

11 months after being arrested for using the wrong passport. The rapper also knows he has been living in the country since 2013, but was stopped from leaving in January. But I think if you go into that story, you find that he claimed to be a sovereign citizen. I think that if you put most deaf sovereign citizen, you'd probably find that. I mean, I get it. I kind of get what they're talking about, which is I think like, look,

we didn't choose to be born in any given place. You're just born in some place. And just just you're born in some place. Suddenly you have to follow all the rules of this weird game. It's so crazy the benefits or disadvantages you have just from being born. You never think about if you're in a place full of advantages. Right? Like when you, you don't realize how lucky you are

to live in the developed world. Right. And then you travel, you realize, oh, this whole country of people just was born here. They were just born here. That's it. That's the only thing that set them up for this life. Yeah.

And we're like, fucking getting line asshole. Yeah, I know, I know. I know. It's so weird. It's like, then you're born, whatever place you're born into, automatically, they start conditioning you. Yes. Like wherever you're at, from the right away, you gotta, I don't know if they still do it

anymore, like the pledge of allegiance. Yeah. All these things that are, that would be seem insane a few thousand years ago, but that seems also you know If you live in the South it's very still kind of pretty patriotic Like I'm sure if you go to a sporting event Anywhere in the southeast yeah, and the national anthem plays pretty much everybody I think is respecting that yeah But LA was one of those places where I I realized that I saw the Opposite and I was like oh, that's interesting. Meaning like I was at a Laker game and I saw people who deliberately

wouldn't stand for the national. Right. But it was like, well, they were making a big deal, but it was kind of like they're like, I don't do that. Right. Like I don't stand for the national anthem. I think you do that at like an Alabama football game. You fucking murdered in the stands. Yeah. Yeah. Like, they don't fucking eat, they'll just beat you to death spread your meat chunks through the bleachers. Like you just sit during this? All right.

Yeah. It's kind of weird. It stands out, you know. Yeah, it does. I mean, I don't know. I'm sentimental, so I don't, I like it. You know, I can't. I enjoy it.

They're national anthem before a game. Yeah, at the same way. It's like, it can even make me emotional, not every time. Yeah, same. But I, yeah, I mean, we also grew up in a generation where that was, you know, kind of normalized. Right. So like the whole, you know,

chits fucked up with our country. Like I get that, but you know, we still have it burned into us. Well, it's like enjoying Star Wars. You know, like you don't go in there to watch Star Wars and the whole time you're like, this isn't real. There's no, you're not. Like if you're gonna enjoy the National Anthem,

you gotta do a little suspension of disbelief. Like let the propaganda go. The National Anthem isn't, and everything is perfect. Those aren't the lyrics. I want you to have it. I'll be honest with you. I'll say everything is perfect. Perfect. Everything's perfect. Yeah, we have no flaws. Man, I was just talking to my wife about it like how you and me especially we hit this time

in American history compared to all the other times that was this strange calm like peaceful the shit we had, Clinton. You know, we had like this, like there was nothing like what's happening right now. Nothing. And so we started thinking this is how it is. Like we, no one in the 80s was thinking like, this isn't gonna work, like it's gonna start falling

apart pretty soon. There's gonna be insurrections, there's gonna be riots, there's gonna be confusion in pandemics. Even though that's the story of the country is just like World War II, Spanish flu, Vietnam, all this crazy shit. But we landed in this perfect spot to turn into complete assholes.

This case is where our grandparents, they're like, you don't understand how bad it gets. And we were just like, like what? You mean like when there's supposed to be a video game release and it comes out two weeks later? Oh, the worst day, hey, dad. The worst, or it comes out and it's not finished. To the new man and so on.

Oh, God. What the fuck? How did they fuck that up? And he's like, I storm the beach at Normandy, your new father. And you're like, yeah, whatever, bro. Exactly. Yeah, I've played GTA. Yeah, it is a, like what we were built,

we had that decade of like, and it's the formative years too, right? Like the 90s for us, we're like really, that's how, that's why your brain is really developing what normal scene, I mean, in a way, it's very healthy that we didn't get, you're not built with resilience in that decade.

But you are built to kind of feel like you live in a safe world, but it creates apathy when you have lack of chaos. That's it. Now, if you're, imagine if you're a teen for this decade, you're a teen in this decade, at least these past, it, you're growing up in madness. Oh my god. Oh my god. You got September 11. Oh my god, dude. Like, and that would be, if that was the beginning, if you were like 11 or 10 when that happens, and then you grow up for the whole

next decade, then you go through these Trump years and just see how a country splits apart and break that everybody hates each other. Cause we were just talking about on my tour, I have two people on my tour who have really opposing political views. But when they talk, it ends up kind of in laughter and like high fives and whatever. And I go, oh, that reminds me of when I was a kid

that adults would disagree, but you would never think they were like, and I hope you die. No. Right, because that's what people say now. They're like, how about all those people fucking die? You know about acceleration as you've heard of that? No.

It's creepy. The idea is like, look, everything's falling apart in slow motion right now. And because it's falling apart, it would be better for it to just go ahead. It's like when you have to throw up and it's just better to throw up. Don't hold it in. Don't do like, just let it out.

Let it all out. So accelerationists, they want to speed shit up to whatever the particular event is that like causes the collapse of civilization to start over again. That's ideas like speed this shit up. So fuck centrism, fuck the cute story of the right and the left to having these barbecues together. Let's get there. Let's just start killing each other,

whoever's left standing will reproduce, and that will be the next civilization. I mean, there are books out now. I think like definitely some best sellers about how everything, and this is from Harvard or Yale researcher, professor, everything now lines up with exactly the years prior to other dynasties ending, like Chinese, Roman, and all these dynasties have certain similarities

in the years leading up to the collapse. Right. And it said, and I'm doing a poor job of describing it, but that we are showing all the symptoms, the same symptoms of the lead up to the collapse of a civilization. Yeah, man, I heard that shit. Like, to me, the creepiest part of that, because I had no idea, is like every one of these civilizations

had a game of thrones or like a version of it, like it was different according to their culture. And then they do this spin-off. And like, right after the spin-off, that's when the dynasty collates. So the spin-off that is on right now in HBO Max. I mean, I don't, I'm not an austrodomist or anything, but if we're looking at patterns, yeah, they are.

I've, you, did you see the spin-off? It's amazing. Oh, it's amazing. It's amazing. The spin-'s amazing. It's amazing. The spin-off is really good. What's it called? House of Dragons. House of Dragons.

Yeah. And it's really good. Oh, it's so good. Okay. Guess what? A couple episodes ago, I was talking to Bertrand. He's my friend that usually sits here. He said his, both kidneys were placed last week.

He and I were talking about the Army Hammer story. Oh yeah. And I was saying how I wasn't so sure, because in the new, when the story first came out, you would just see, I thought it was very, it's very journal, like indicative of today's journalism. They would just show like one, like his messages. Yeah.

And you're like, yeah, but you got to, like, what's the back and forth look like? Right. You know, like, they go, this guy's accused of all these things. And then they're like, here's messages he sent. He's a monster. I'm like, yeah, but to get to, you know, to feel like to fairly call somebody a monster, I'd like to see what the responses to these messages were. Yeah.

So I watched the series called House of Hammer about him and his family. I think he's a pretty bad guy. Is he really? Well, I think he is, it's interesting because it really explores Kink, you know, like the world, you have experience with BDSM? Yeah.

Yeah. So, you know, like the world, you have experience with BDSM? Yeah, yeah. So, you know, like some of the tenants, it's like constant, consent, constant communication, constant, you know, reinforcing, restating, what boundaries are. Right. And do you want me to stop pegging you now? Yes, yes. And say words and like, great communication, this is what we're gonna, you know what I mean?

So that everybody is enjoying whatever can't get. What the series does is really, it goes into his story, well, what's fascinating, more fascinating than actually, what he's accused of is his family legacy, the story of his whole family. What is that? His great-grandfather founded Occidental Petroleum and was a big time influencer.

And turns out had a real cushy relationship with the KGB and also super tight with Prince Charles and Princess Dye. Wow. Friends with all the US presidents. I mean, like a major, major mover, shaker, who also had some dark... Like, when you run one of the biggest oil companies in the world,

like, it's not because everything is like, you're the coolest nicest guy. Usually. You know, yeah, I've heard that some of the oil executives aren't as nice as people think. So some real dark shit, real dark shit. And that's what I'm saying. And they lay out the, every generation, like his father,

his uncle, his grandfather, just a lot of dark shit. And a lot, it seemed like a lot had real issues with women. And with him, it seemed like he, and again, I'm, you know, siding from watching this, he really liked dominance. He really liked the, or the rope. He was atop.

Yeah. The rope practice of as Japanese recalled, I think Shibur. Oh my God, He's the top. Yeah. The rope practice of it's Japanese recalled. Oh my God. It's so cool. Yeah. It looks cool. It looks cool as fuck. But like then you see the responses from a lot of women. Now this is where this is the point I was trying to make on that podcast is that if we're

if you're in a in that type of relationship. Yeah. You're going to dominate you. And you're sending messages. And the reply from someone is, I was so scared. That can be part of the, kink, like in other words,

that can be part of the game. Sure. So there's a lot of nuance to breaking down written text. But then on top of the responses were a lot of times, actually I was really scared and I was crying, and he was like, that was so hot. Right. But then, you know what I mean,

where you go, like, wait, are you playing? Yeah. But then they also interviewed these women, and it's there where it's very clear that they were all like, this was not fun. You've been to a dominatrix. For the two bearers, we did that. And so you experienced like, what did she do to you?

She like spanked us, put on nipple clamps, put these electric shocker on our dicks that were tied together and. I guess a better way to put it is like, okay, you know, like, dude, I came so hard. I didn't really, I can't. I can't lower, burn all over. You're not supposed to go. I didn't really call over, Bert, all over. You're not supposed to go.

I didn't mean to. You should know. You can't do that. The, the, um, okay. So, you know, like when your friends with the comic and they start roasting you and they're saying, anyone that wasn't a comment, if they were saying those things to you,

yeah, it would be awful. Like you would get mad, you're like, fuck you. Yeah, it would be awful like you would get mad You're like fuck you. Well fuck you, but if a comic is doing it who loves you. Yeah, you gotta be love there It's very different. That's it. You got a lot of honor Do you kind of like you can't you you're you're like admiring how like insightful they are and you're like deep this secrets So I think that's what BDSM is like. It's like on the surface of you saw it. You will be like, God, it's brutal and violent. But like what's really happening there is like this very strange expression of love and an incredible trust. Yes. Trust like almost above

all else. And you see great, you know, and you can have a non-BDSM relationship, and the thrill of the relationship is your level of trust, right? In being vulnerable and sharing things, and they're just taking it to this sexually adventurous, kinky place. That's it. When you watch this stock series, it doesn't feel like that. Right. He's not.

It feels like people are scared. Yeah, and that he is Yes, the guy who's like I think he's like 36 37 now and you know, he was Going after girls that were like 21 22 23 and you realize too as you're a guy Because that's the older one but yeah when you're a guy when you're whatever guy or a woman people in their early 20s when you're a guy, when you're whatever guy or a woman People in their early 20s if you're Trying to manipulate are obviously easier to target right as a guy like him Like if you're going after a 20-year-old girl. If army hammer asked me to suck his dick

I don't know maybe 45 minutes and He's such a beautiful man. He's so good looking. It's like I mean just the magnetism the power So he's a good-looking guy. He's a talented actor. He's like, I mean, just the magnetism, the power. So he's a good looking guy. He's a talented actor. He's like, he is a talented actor. And you're seeing him in movies. Yeah. It's like that, yeah, that draw is probably very hard to resist.

And you wanna, you know, and initially like, fuck, I'm talking to Army Hammer. And then he's like, hey, are you and you wanna like get into something kind of weird? And you're like, I guess so sure. And then you don't know anything about BDSM. So you're learning it from him. And then theoretically down that path,

you end up getting sucked into some toxic awful. A few hours later you got cracked ribs and you're gonna pull it tears. And he's like, isn't BDSM fun? He's been wonderful. And you're like, yeah. I feel so free. Do you feel as free as I do right now? cracked ribs and you're gonna pull it to yours and he's like, isn't PTSD fun? He's like, wonderful. Yeah. I feel so free.

Do you feel as free as I do right now? You know what's fascinating about the funny thing about the good looking thing is how much, you ever think about how much you are influenced for little things by attractive people? It's incredible. I remember this, this is a very practice. It's done in psych 101 all over the country probably all over the world, but definitely in the US we did it.

It's a regular practice. You've probably seen it or there's videos of it where it's an experiment where they take a student who is objectively like a track like a cute girl. Yeah. Ponytail carrying a stack of books. And what they do is you have her go through like the student union or like a high traffic area. And at a certain mark, drop her books, appear to accidentally drop them. Right.

And watch how men, women, gay, straight, all walks of life. I want to help. I want to help and pick up the books. And then they run the experiment with a less like up somebody's overweight, sloppy, disheveled, drop the books. People step over the books. People step over them. You know, and then when you get to like, things like this like crimes, you realize the it's like it's rare that we see or at least accused crimes I should say, like somebody who's good and the power that the probably has in committing though because people are just you're we're naturally like

seduced yeah Sexuality out of it, but you want you want to be around good looking people. That's it Yeah, you have no idea what's driving the wheel of that bus No, like if you could peer inside it could be like a what's driving the wheel of that bus? Like if you could peer inside, it could be like a desiccated, rafelike skeletal fucking thing, just like chewing on baby hearts, finding those eyes. You know what I mean?

But it's a nice shell. Oh my god, yeah, it's a nice shell. That's so beautiful. It's Bundy. Yeah. That was the old, that was, It was so hot. That was the Bundy story.

Is that what everybody was like, this is a good look, he was educated, he had actually dropped out of law school. But, people go like this is like see what do you mean this is a good looking man. I think there are people when he was killing them that for a second or just they couldn't help themselves like god he's beautiful. Yeah for a second yeah just for a moment I mean how about how it affects politics most of our politicians are fucking disgusting, right? They're just dogbies, they're just so much. But like somebody goes, I want to get into politics

and they're, have some symmetry, are somewhat good looking. Yeah. And people go, I want to vote for that guy. And you go, why? And they're like, I just like him. Amazing. I like him. He's good. Yeah. He's a good person. And they're like, why do you think he's good? And they're like, we'll look at him. He's handsome. Yeah. Nobody wants to talk about, like, you know, everyone,

like people will talk about classism. Yeah. No one wants to talk about symmetrism. This, like, just built in baked in thing where we favor people who are beautiful. Oh, and they break down in psychology that, like, the basis for why we say that man or that woman is very good looking, like one of the biggest factors

is symmetry. Like a face symmetrical makes you go like, that's really good looking. It's weird that we have something built into us that can detect mathematical patterns in a person's face and then from that ascertain some sense of like, okay, they're better, they're safe. And they're attractive.

And if that's the craziest thing, attractive equals I'm safe. Yeah. Only an attractive person won't hurt me. No. Only an unattractive person. That's it. It's so fucked up, man.

It's really useful. That's a really interesting connection. The fact that we go, that person is not as an ugly person, I'm scared. If he wants to tax billionaires more, let's start taxing some metrical people. That's a symmetry tax. You always have ideas that no one else does.

See, this is why I'm getting into politics as an asymmetrical person. I think I have a shot. Number one, two, we gotta start taxing them. They've got it easier. They need to pay their fair share. Movie stars, we'll start. Movie stars. And you know what?

Don't want to pay the tax? No problem. We'll have face scarring clinics. You come in, we'll slice you up, give you something that makes you just, not completely fucked up, but just like everybody else. Send you back out, you don't have to pay the tax. Go live life with this face.

Yeah, with your new fucking face. So see what it's like. Now, now tell somebody you wanna fucking eat their face off. Do you know they react to you? The army was like, I know that, he told one of the girls, I know a surgeon that'll cut to your ribs out. I wanna eat your ribs.

He wanted to grill her ribs and eat them. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. What surgeon is that? I don't know. How do you explain that like oh? Look what's coming to dinner. I don't think he's at Seeders. Yeah. I don't think so Jesus Christ. How do you do the I want to know his first conversation? He went this

Where he was with these girls I'm saying, or he went from like, you're so cool, and I love you, and you're so hot, and or whatever. Not I love it, like, I'm so attracted to you. And then he went to like, you like ropes? Yeah, they're like, I don't know. Yeah, oh yeah, and then he goes, I'm 100% a cannibal.

I want to eat you, scary to admit. I'd love to be able to do those ropes man, but I can't, I can barely time my shoes like that. And then there's a great appearance of him on, this is before everything went down, obviously, on Colbert where they pull out ropes. And he's like, you wanna see me tie a rope? Oh my God.

He does that with Colbert. Oh my God. Yeah. That's crazy. Yeah, yeah. Did Colbert know? This is way before any of that stuff. He was promoting a movie and yeah, he's just like.

What a weird fetish man, cannibalism, like of all the fetishes. That's when I can wrap my head around almost all fetishes. But cannibalism, it's just not sexy. Like what's hot about that? I know, fecal matter too, it's really hard to. That's brutal. That's brutal, man. Like also, it's like, how are you nuts?

How are you nuts? Here we go. I bet I can tie a bow faster than you. Wow. Yeah. That is amazing. This is like John Wayne Gacy. Like, you wanna see if you can put on

clown makeup faster? Here we go. Ooh. It's crazy to think probably right now someone he was dating is tied up, and he's got Colbert on, and they're like watching Colbert trapped and... Look at that.

That looks easy. And then he goes, that was your neck right after that, but it's on mute. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. How many ribs do you have? You still have all your ribs? That's fucking crazy. Wow, what a fun life, though, man.

It must be so fun to be that beautiful. I, it's gotta be. It's gotta be. It's so fun. It's gotta be. I think about, you're gonna be like, with somebody like that and you see the way people look at them and you're like, wow.

Just a magnet for eyeballs, just turning and looking. And everyone's basically pleased. Yeah, I'm like, for, for, they don't know anything about you. They don't know, they're just looking at you, and they're like, this is a nice experience. It's like you're a view, it's like you're a view of the beach. You're like air freshener.

You're like visual air freshener. You come into a room and it's like, okay, things are better now. Yeah. There's this symmetrical person here. Yes. I don't have to a symmetrical person here. Yes. I don't have to feel quite so scared of these hideous mother fuckers. Yeah, look at that, your eyes, your nose, everything's so perfectly aligned. Maybe there is a war we don't know about.

Maybe thousands and thousands of years ago before recorded history, hideous people went to war with beautiful people. All we have is some epigenetic memory of that war Jesus You're the fucking only guy in podcasting that said that sentence. I'm sorry. I said it. I love it. What are you talking about? I mean he regretted it. I went to my coffee. I'm like, I was, he was a fuck you talk, you're the greatest. What's worse? I know what I'm worried.

I wonder every time I see you, how many books a week do you read? Oh, I don't read a lot of books. You don't? No, I read parts of books. Oh, okay, okay. So I have like stacks of books that I'm always like, kind of.

And I listen to audibles a lot. You do listen to audibles a lot? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I just listened to this great one, dude, about Ernest Shackled and you know about that guy? Holy shit, man. This guy, he wanted to do an expedition,

ends up like the boat. They don't know anything back then. That was so cool about it. They have no idea what they're doing. They have like a vague idea. He ends up in this fucking boat and it gets stuck in the ice, as you could see there in this Arctic expedition.

The ice, you know. Oh, this story is now familiar. They ended up. Wait, keep going, keep going, keep going. The boat gets stuck in the ice because they don't understand how it even works out there. So the boat is now stuck in ice. He's the captain, right?

He's the captain. He's the captain. The ice is crushing the boat. They're finally like, look, the boat's done. They get everyone off the boat. They say the boat sounded like it was screaming, as it's like being crushed by ice. They got all these fucking dogs.

They end up eating the dogs. They end up just like taking the dogs behind like hills and just killing the dogs, eating them. And they were just fucked, as fucked as you can be. Just you're going to die level fucked. And somehow he survived and everyone survived because of him. It's the coolest story.

I remember hearing this story, his name started to sound familiar. Yes, the fact that everybody survived is incredible. Incredible. How long were they stranded for? Do you remember? Like two days. Was it two days? In like Arctic?

I'm just kidding. Have you heard of what kind of two days? No. Like two, that's how I would die in two days. How long was it? Like I think, could you Google, I mean I didn't pay attention to the exact amount of time. It's an insane amount.

Biggest fucking details. I think a year, I think a year. More than two years. Two years, that was like, Jesus Christ, you said two days and I was like wow. Ha ha ha ha. Fuck I'm a fucking idiot. Two days and a long time.

Two days. No, I mean, do you know for us it would be? It would be. Yeah for us, people like that, I don't even know if Two days a long time. Two days. No, me, do you know for us, it would be. Hey, it would be. Yeah, for us, people like that I don't even know if they're around anymore. Like, no. People like that might look at what has happened. Inantartica too.

Yeah, in fuckingantartica. You know how, how many of those guys went back and they were like, hey, did you miss me? And they're like, I have a new life. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Two years. Honey, I'm home. Yeah, because they're like, I have a new life. Two years. Honey, I'm home. Yeah, because you're not. That is your dad. You're just assuming that everyone thought he was dead. No, do you know what the dude? This is not the same thing. But one of my Uber drivers here picked me up one time and he was like, we're just having a casual conversation. He's Mexican. And I go, how long you lived here? And it was like 10 years and I go, why did you, why did you pick

here? And he tells me this story that he was in living in Mexico. And one of his friends had a horse trailer, a horse and the trailer, I think, stolen from his property, right? Okay. Well, he had that trailer equipped with a GPS device. So a few weeks later, he went and took his trailer and his horse back, thinking like,

somebody stole my shit, taking it back. And then he said, I was at that friend's house. And these three guys just came in, killed my friend, killed the other dude, and then took two of us and kept us hostage. And then killed the friend that they had kidnapped with me. And it's like a month later, he goes, I, at this point, I'm talking to these guys every day, the, the hitman and the kid and I'm, and he goes, I asked the guy, I'm like, I won't probably go, why haven't you killed me? He goes, we like you. That's what the, he's like cool.

And he starts asking the guy about being a hitman and like, you know, sharing those stories. And then he goes, one day, they just put me in a car and I didn't know what was happening. I had like a hood on. And they just were driving. We stopped the car.

I got out of the car. and then the car took off, and when I took the hood off, they left me on the highway just between two towns. So then I walked to the next town, picked up a pay phone, it had been like, I forget if it was 30 or 50 days, and he just called his wife, and she was like, you know, thought he was dead, because the friends were dead. And she's like, I started a new life. You're gone a month, you know?

It's still, you know what? She, he's like, he's like, she dropped the phone. Like she couldn't believe that I was alive. And then he's like, and that's why I moved to Austin. And here we are.

You're at three forks. Enjoy your dinner. What the fuck, man? Fuck. Did you get my big tip? I gave him 10 bucks. No, I forgot what I gave him. I was so blown away by this.

The only Uber ride where I was like, can you do another lap? You know? That is, and here's the great thing about Mexican Uber drivers. They are not big on Cologne. I don't know what it is about fucking Eastern Europeans and that fucking culture, but the Mexicans do it right. They know that you don't want to smell like a fucking brothel just because you took an Uber.

So shout out to all the Mexican Uber drivers. Okay, I've thought about the Cologne problem with Uber's. Okay. And I don't know for sure that it's always the drivers. I think they pick people up covered in clone and the rest, it's them. And let, yeah. I mean, Armenian drivers, come on, dude. Man, this is one of the side benefits of my smell getting fucked up from COVID.

It's like, it's coming back a little a little a little a little a little a little a little I you know this sounds so dumb I smelled my own fart for the first time and like I don't know like over a year tell me how it was it was incredible I like I teared up I'm like yeah it's like you don't even realize how much your farts tell you about what you're at. And like, there's a lot of data. And I do remember that period of post-COVID, like immediate post-COVID where you're like,

I don't, nothing, right? Just nothing. I know. Gone. You go take a dump and you're like, nothing. The crate, by the way, how crazy will it be? We're talking about a kid growing up in this generation who's 15, let's say now, when he's 50,

talking to his kid about, then there was that time when everybody lost their smell and they're like, what are you talking about? Like what the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, everybody lost their smell. Whatever. Sense of taste and smell, and that'll sound like a fairy tale. Yeah, who cares?

Polio, I remember like old people who get up and about polio. or smell, whatever. Sents of taste and smell. And that'll sound like a fairy tale. Yeah, who cares? Yeah. Polio. I remember like, you know, old people would get up and about polio. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I would fucking polio story. Yeah. Everybody's getting paralyzed and all that.

Just come on. Fucking stand up. Just let it go. Just let it go. Let it go. Yeah. Yeah, I know, I know. I've thought about it.

I've thought about the parties. There's going to be, you know, like 80s parties. That's right. There's gonna be mask parties. Oh yeah. Where people are like, we're a mask, pretend there's COVID. Yep. Well, distance and everything.

It'll be like, that's going down. And then you're gonna have that one fucking bitch that shows up crying. She's like, you know, my aunt's actually my great aunt. Die. Yeah. Yeah. I ruined the party with everybody. Everyone would be like, no, I know. That's died. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And ruin the party, everybody. Everyone's been like, no, I know. I know. I know. I know. Was that personally? Yep. Thought we were having fun.

I never stopped wearing the mask. Yeah. There's going to be that, too. I still wear it. Yeah. How do you feel about Nazi parties? Like, do you, do you, would you go to like, would you get in like an SS uniform for Halloween?

Fuck, no. I'm not getting enough fucking SS uniform for Halloween. No, I'm too fat. You gotta be thin to wear those things, man. You gotta get a tailor made. That's the whole stuff. Yeah, I gotta get a tailor. Can you like rig?

Yeah, no. I wouldn't do that, man. I mean, like, no, I gotta get a Tyler. Can you like Rick? Yeah, no. I wouldn't do that, man. I mean, like, no. I'm fucking insane. Who throws weight? Who invited you to a Nazi party? I've never even heard of that.

No, but there's always, there's always like every few years, almost maybe every year. There's always some story about somebody thought it was funny to go as Hitler, you know? Like, oh yeah, that's like a yearly thing where it's usually somebody in high school or college or a dentist. You know, somebody's got a real fucking,

not their good head on their shoulders. They'll do that. And then they're like, everybody got upset. You're like, what? Yeah, yeah, they did. Yeah, that's what happens. Yeah, that's the worst part. So there's the white woman who will

paint her face brown and put like a feather in her head. And she was like, what? What's the big deal? I'm Pocahontas. It's just a feather. Have you, I did see a good one once, which was someone, when is the twin towers. And they had a, they had a string you could pull

and a plane would fly into. Stop. Yeah. Stop. Yeah, and people were laughing. Really? It was actually, it worked. Like somehow, it worked.

It was like a funny thing. Do you think that there's just a certain time removed from a tragedy? It's gotta be, right? Long enough time. But that's still, it's too devastating, right? I mean, is that it? What's this?

These are twin tower. Oh, there you go. I guess they're up. I guess they're everywhere now. Wow, that's great. It wasn't, they didn't pull out. I don't know how the guy pulled it off. To me, it seemed like a reasonable cost to him.

Really? Yeah, but they're the sound of South Tower. Wow. Those two seem like they're awful people. Just from that photo. Yeah, I don't know, man. Those two seem like they're awful people just from that Yeah, I don't know man. I mean like looking at these now, you know, it wasn't like that. I guess it was because it seemed kind of like like an Etsy project. Yeah, I just don't think they put enough thought into those costumes. Yeah, this is like a couple. That's kind of nice.

Well, there's a guy going as a terrorist with that he's doing the up, up, right? Yeah. Yeah. That guy's probably running for like, Senator somewhere. Right. He's like, what?

What's the big deal? It was Halloween. It's costumes. It's costumes. Oh, so you can go as Dracula. I respect our Muslim community, all right? Dracula's killed more people than terrorists, but oh, you can go as Dracula?

Ivan, the terrible? Vlad, the impaler. Vlad, the impaler? Oh, it's okay to go as Vlad, but not a... But not Dracula. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Vlad, that's hosting enough. Vlad, the impaler.

Vlad was rad. He, uh... He had... Ha! Ha, that's the worst thing. Vlad was rad. Man, he wasn't so bad. Here's the thing about Vlad is that I think it's, it's, first of all, it's so extreme what he did. But so long ago, yeah, that's the thing is that time allows you to laugh about it because nobody even 50 times removed from your generation knows about it. That's right.

And it lets you have the fantasy that you're far away from that ever happening again. And that if you would have been there, you wouldn't, it wouldn't happen. Like you go, I could have talked to the guy. Oh yeah, it is dinner parties. Where if you complained like apparently, so I read some talked to the guy. Oh yeah, it is a part, it is dinner parties. Where if you complained, like apparently, so I read some was that one of his dinner parties

complained about the smell. And he's like, let me take you to a place where it won't bother you. I don't, like put him on one of his fucking spikes. Yeah, and pale him. And pale you through your anus and out of your mouth, right? So like that's a real impalement and then you bleed out. Yeah, that way. And it's it's a obviously a slow, horrible death. And then he had, he had heads, you know, just on spikes

on like, he looks like an impaler. Sure. But you can, but it's okay to wear that costume. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Fine. Guy was a big, okay, yeah, you can do that. Okay, fine. Guy was a big time fucking rascal, big knucklehead, and now it's okay to wear his outfit. Yeah, fuck that. You know, if you wear that, everyone would be like, who the fuck are you? Right.

I'm just gonna think you're some kind of king. And they'll just be like, they'll just be like, what do you, you read a tarot cards? Yeah, you look like a fucking... You're a huge, yeah, yeah. You're gonna tell me my future. Forge and teller? Yeah. Yeah, you look like a fucking... Yeah, yeah. You're gonna tell me my future. Forging Teller?

Yeah. Yeah, you know, like, you ever get into like Charles Manson YouTube videos? Great guy. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Misunderstood. Totally.

Guy, Kajam. He was symmetrical. Symmetrical. Charismatic. Played a little, was it guitar? Guitar. Yeah. He was definitely like somebody who I would have gotten sucked into that. I think I know what I could see that Yeah, it would have been you specifically. Yep, and I would be the asshole who's like Tom

I want to introduce you to somebody. He's so cool. He plays music Yeah, we have this girls around all the time. We've got a ranch. Yeah, come out to the ranch. Come out to the ranch. It'll be fun. Also, you know, he's really wise. But people like him, like in another time, I think they would, that's what kings were like. Like I think that kings were just as crazy as Charles Manson. They were just as insane, but they had charisma

and they all you got to do is get enough people around you who will kill for you and you can convince people of anything. Of anything. So if you can convince people to do that, it's anything. Right, that's it. You just need the right amount of people with guns around you. And now like anyone who says, you know, I don't think that God is wanting you to be a king. Like you're telling everybody, I don't think you have divine blood. I think you have blood like anybody else.

You end up on the spike. And then the next, the people who see that, they're like, you know what, you have the most divine blood. And then the army grows, you've got kids. Now you're a fucking king. That's how it works. This also reminds me of the Kims, you know, in North Korea. Because there are countless tales. I mean, they interviewed his, he loved sushi. Kim Jong-il loved sushi.

So he had a sushi chef from Japan, right, that lived at one of the palaces or whatever. And that guy was like, he goes, you just never, he would come home someday. He's like, this is the greatest guy. He would just, right. He would just like be, he'd be laughing, smiling, and then he goes, he would get home some days, like the car would pull up.

And he was just like, kill that guy. And it was that kind of a switch. And but there, there is no, you know, complaining about the smell, right? It's total, total delusional belief. That's, I think that's the chef right there. That's a sushi chef. And in the head wrap on the right, on the top.

How do you, you're living in Japan. You're a sushi chef, you're probably a good one. Probably. How do you take that job? That's a fantastic question. Who would go, who goes? You're out of your mind. You're out of your mind.

How do you, he's an adventurer. How do you get out? How do you get out? It like, norm, it wasn't a, I don't think it was, you know, like an escape, it was like, oh, you know, agreed upon and probably wanted to switch it up. I mean, you remember when he, how he killed his uncle?

No. Kim Jong-il wanted his uncle killed, who was a high-ranking person in his party. Yeah. And so he, whenever there was like any sense that there was going to be any type of pushback, criticism, questioning, and he also suspected rightfully that all of them have suspected rightfully that they might be overthrown, Kim Il Sung, John L. because people, so,

reasonable people would see what's happening. But so he took one of his uncles, because he's killed multiple uncles, but he took one of them and had him put in a field and had an aircraft missile fired, because he goes, I don't want, I don't want one of his hairs to still be here. So that dude just had to like stand,

bound up and see a missile come and blow him to pieces. Yeah. Yeah. How close to being like that do you think you are? Like how, what would have happened? How much power would you have to achieve? I'm just saying you personally like, you know,

like it's fun to think about like, okay, to me that sounds insane. It's insane. But if this or that happened, it would kind of start making sense. You know what I mean? I do think though, in order to be that vicious, there's gotta be something in you,

or you have to be groomed in it. And these guys were all groomed in it. Like, Kim Il Sung had Kim Jong Il, my god, what's the current guy? I've just fucked up on his name. I can't believe you can remember all those names in the North Korean way. But the current Kim Jong Un.

So he was raised by Kim Jong Il. And Kim Jong Il was raised by Kim Il Sung. So they're, but I mean, imagine growing up in the world, that world is Everybody is out to get us America is is full of evil like their evil Overlord they're like in the story if you're in Star Wars and the story in North Korea is we are Luke Skywalker And they are Darth Vader right that's what America is there and it's 24-7 and you never get outside information. And so if you're groomed in that, I think it might be easier to do something like that. I don't think Duncan or Tom of today who have lived thus far could be turned into that level of a person.

I think it would have to start when you're young and you have to be in this environment where they're also raised to think like that's what being a leader is and that's what being a real man is. It's like, don't forget, they have multi-generational killing. Yeah. When you turn against the state, like if you criticize Kim Jong-un,

they do the three-generation thing, which is like if it's you, they kill your parents and your kids so that there is no lineage passed on to you anymore. But it's for your fuck up. So they die and they die because of you. Wow. Wow.

Yeah, I mean, I don't know, man, I think. He's a pretty cool guy. I heard that he loves basketball. He loves basketball. And I don't know if you've ever seen his trampoline tricks. He knows like they're hilarious. That's far like really cool. Kind of inspirational. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Have you read his self-help book?

Uh, he looked it up. Wait, no, no, no, I just made that up. I know. I know. It's a t-shirt. It's a t-shirt though. Can you open the shirt, please? What? It's, uh, no shoes on the shirt please? What, what? It's a no shoes on the trampoline. What the fuck? It's a him and Trump. That's a meme or something? Like a mustard.

Like a mustard trampoline? I guess. Wow. Have you seen like how they, what they teach in like North Korean schools? Yeah. They'll be like, he was born on a mountain top. Yeah. And like the sky opened.

I think they said that Kim Jong-il played golf nine times, and he had 18 holes in ones, and then he was like, I don't board by the same time. I'm done with this game. Too easy. Too fucking easy. Yeah, and yeah, just that, you know, the greatest at everything ever.

I mean, I remember watching some documentary watching the way people bow to him, realizing they're not fake bowing. Like they've gone full, like believe this guy is some divine being or whatever, because you have to do that. Like you can't have cognitive dissonance or they can detect it and then you get arrested.

So you have to fully believe. So when Kim Jong-il died, when he died unexpectedly a few years ago, right before the sun took over. There were these, I don't know, like, memorials in the streets, that like millions of people in the streets, you could get arrested and punished if you were not seen to be wailing and crying enough. So you couldn't just be like, this is how I grieve. Oh my God. So you would see, like when you saw people screaming and like falling to the ground, it was so that they were crying hard enough for the like overseers to see man. It's so Trippy to me to think that the planet has like a little Petri dishes. Yeah, where in some of them shit like that is just growing shit like that happening

So wild you got to see this when you when you do a Kim Jong Il funeral. Yeah people crying When they would you would get punished, right? So you'll see like that might not be enough. Yeah. So it would squeeze in tears. That's just please let me cry. They wanted you to be scrub long. You'll see like that. Like you have to, you have to, you know how that it starts where you're doing like, you know, light crying and then some asshole decides to take it up a notch and everyone has to dip. There you go.

And you realize that that probably came from just somebody going like this to them, like looking at you and like, I'll hit the ground. Yeah. Holy shit. Yeah. Yeah, you had to show that you were truly, truly mourning, you know? You know the other thing that's creepy about those places

is I think like, you know, people like you and I just talking shit about it. Yeah. We have this natural assumption, like, well, they're not gonna do anything to us. Right. But like why? They can get people anywhere they want.

They don't wear it any time. That's true. What happens if just by some stroke of bad fortune, he actually likes your podcast. What if he's like a regular watcher of your show and he's excited, he's like, oh, I hate birds not there. Fuck, his kidneys are fucked up, I hope he's okay. They were sitting here laughing at him and he's just like, oh, have them killed. My name is Duncan Trusswell and I'm sorry for what I said.

I mean, we do it soon. I know we always assume that we're here. They can get you if they want. That's true. Think about like all the conversations that have had people have had about Putin. For sure, that's a much more developed system there. Yes. And people who have talked shit about him. Or the Saudis? You're talking about, what's his name?

I don't even say this name. He's a fucking great guy. I'll tell you that. I'm a big, I love what he's done. He's really great with falcons, architecture. Uh, yeah. What? That's what you searched.

You're so bad at this. What is wrong with you? It's talkingprinces.com. What? No, that's my favorite porn genre. Is it Vince so long? Why are you bringing them up? Why are you bringing up the Hussein's? God fucking great

Could shoot could shock yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah You're pissed huh you're pissed at them now. Not them him the prince. No the fucking kid in the booth Well fuck man. I'm sorry. I don't know. I said you're fine. You're fine, man Don't be that guy. I am that guy. You're like the guy who's like don't complain about the waiter shut up I don't complain about the waiter. It's a hard job, Tom. It's a hard job. It's tough, I know. Bruno, just refill the water every, all right. You know.

Oh shit, waiters. I know. It is a tough job. And they are getting worse. Ah. Service is terrible everywhere. In my fucking Gucci shirt. Yeah, that's not good.

Should I do the golden butt like you like that? Oh yeah, look at that shimmer. The button, better button. Look at that. Yeah? That beautiful shiny button. The button does it all. Yeah man, I mean, I just think like,

the idea was, like you're supposed to have this idea here, that if you work really hard, you can buy a house. Like that was sort of the... That's what was sold to us. That was the, and they fucked up, because like you have to keep that going. And that's not there anymore. Yeah, I mean.

How do you get somebody to like go into the things that we went into? I was, I don't know, brag. I was a, I was a server at Applebees. Yeah. Yeah. And, uh, but like, there's something built in the ideas. If you do this, you can somehow navigate into whatever life you want.

That's the big dream. But if that starts becoming really truly inaccessible. And it mostly is. It mostly is. It mostly is. Yeah, I mean, yeah, you're right. There used to be that a house for most people was like just like a few, for like the most of working class, they're like, oh, it oh, it's like two to three years salary.

Like that's the equivalent of the price of a house. But now for most working people, a house costs 10 to 30 times, average house, what they make in here. It's crazy. Not to mention all the shit you have to go through to get the house now to like just all the crazy hoops you gotta jump through.

It's like, you know, obviously it's not exactly the same, but people believe Kim Jong-un was born on a mountain top of ill or whatever. I believe that. I did too. In that mountain top, I heard it, the mountain turned to gold. It usually is born on a mountain.

It never rains there actually. It's always sunshine. It rainbows actually. Yeah, it's like that's for his son is made of rainbows. Do not fuck with him, keep actually. Yeah, it's like that's for his son is made of rainbows. Do not fuck with him keep going But you know he like that the version of that here is I Think well if you you know work really hard. Yeah, and eventually you'll be able to like no longer have to work Two jobs you'll get to this point and but people are stopped they're like they're not believing that anymore because it was sort of true.

I think it was very true at one point. But now if it's a tiny percentage of people are able to do that, then what is the like, how do you get people, other than giving them a choice between starvation or thrashing dishes, how do you get people to do it successfully? I know and then there's the big talking point right now in like corporate workforce is that there's a huge huge percentage of the workforce that doesn't want to return to an office. But that also has, they have the added benefit of saying I have been able to do this task in this job, not from that location.

Right. So, and I like this life more. Right. And there's a lot of, like, you know, people going like, oh, if you're not gonna let me do that, then I'm not going to work there anymore. I mean, most of the people working here could be doing it from home.

Yeah, could be. They don't have to, you don't have to make them come in here. I'd love to have them not come in. Really? You want to get them out of here? One of the things I want to see these faces. I mean, that whole office culture bullshit, that thing of like, look man, we all need to be

in the same room, doing stuff. That's a big argument. That's a big argument. That's a big argument. It's like, maybe, so. Maybe, but here's the thing, it's probably business by business. Don't you think? Case by case, there are certain times

where that probably applies to for that specific place and what they do. But definitely, I mean, I'm not talking about a bank, a branch bank where you come in and you talk to the teller. But I'm saying the people that work in those accounting offices and everything,

is like, why does that person have to be doing that? Why? If they can do it perfectly well from their house. Which they can't. And they go and I can have breakfast at home with my kid. Yeah, see my kid. And why is sitting traffic? It's crazy.

The whole thing was based on filing systems. Like we didn't, you know, it was just you had to be there because you had to file shit in the same place. We don't need that anymore. Like, now we're just talking about- Anything like client-based service, you could probably just go, well then I meet clients in public.

I meet them at the, you know, like, it doesn't have to be at that office. That's right, yeah, exactly. You could do it anywhere. It's a huge controversy right now. Because the idea, like, the dream of technology was we are going to, like, have these computers that are going to make our lives easier. Like, we will, now that we have these things processing

information, we'll work 20 hours a week instead of 40 hours a week. But some of everyone's working 60 hours a week instead of 40 hours a week. But some of everyone's working 60 hours a week. So the pandemic presses pause. Everyone gets to do the experiment. What does happen if we work from home? Did the companies fail? Is some like crucial aspect of our hanging out together? Gonna like get lost?

And no, everything runs the exact same way. Everything's the same, but office managers. They need a job. So they're like talking to the bosses like, office managers remind me of like TV executives. You know when you sit in a TV like meeting and there's someone speaks up and you're like, who is this?

And then they say something that everybody's like, and they goes, well, I have to say something so it justifies me having a job. Right. Otherwise, why am I here? Right. That's it. And the office manager is the one who's telling the story

of like, you know, culture, office culture. What about all the parties and the fun parties? Like, we have the casual Friday. Big. You don't get to enjoy that anymore. Right. You know, they don't want to talk about the brutal fucking commutes.

I wonder how much pornwashing has gone up since people started working from home more. Thousands. Thousands, right? Thousands of percent, yeah. Everyone's like, And so many more people are drinking often meetings. So many more. Everybody. Yeah. Like, I read a statistic And so many more people are jerking off in meetings. So many more.

Everybody. I read a statistic 99% of people in an office meeting are jerking off from home. From home. From home. Yeah. Well, if you're home, why wouldn't you? Yeah.

I mean, if you are in a private place and you're not jerking off, what are you doing? Why do you have a body? Yeah. When was the last time you jerked off in public? Wow, that's a really good question. Define public. Anywhere that's not inside your home or hotel room.

Okay. I mean, it's kind of lame, but it was an airplane bathroom. Same. Really? Same. Yes, dude. Same. Really? Same. Yes, dude. Yes. Marlite Club.

Yeah, bro. I mean, I don't know if that counts for the Marlite Club. I don't think it does, but so what? So, okay, so when was this? A couple times. I mean, now, like, how recently? How recently? Last week, and then another time was like four months ago.

But was this in a, was this in a, like, on a private plane? No, no, no. Okay, so this was like on like Delta. Yeah. Okay, how, what happened? Like, you know, you saw this big fat lady and I was like, what's up?

And then she was like, and then, I threw a piece of bread on her. I saw her eat it. I was running out of too much. You gotta go. You're probably in line. There's probably people in line to jerk off. Oh man. bread, I don't know, I saw her eat it, I was running out of too much. You gotta go. You're probably in line. There's probably people in line that you're gonna. Oh man.

No, I just got something in my head, and I've gotta work out. Why, can you talk about what got in your head? No. Oh, come on man. No. Come on, where was it? Oh my.

Oh my God. But I also, wow. What was in your head? I'll tell you what happened. I was at a club, this was years and years and years ago, and I was in a monogamous relationship, but this beautiful, beautiful woman after the show. Basically said, why don't we go in the green room

and I'll suck your dick. And so like, you know, that thing where they're beautiful and you're, at the time I was drinking, so you're just kind of like running through your head, like, do I wanna be haunted by this? Is this after a show? This is after a show.

Okay. No, by the way, no, I don't know when that happens. Go ahead. Okay, keep going. It doesn't happen to me anymore. It doesn't matter. You were. This was like, no, by the way, it's not like that anyone's asking to suck my dick after show.

It's like, what do they say? That's from real rock star. Yeah, I get it. It's a crazy moment. And you hear about these moments from the symmetrical comics where it's like, it's like happens to them all day long. They have is it a meeting. They have a hundred of these stories.

Oh, yeah. That's their every every second of my life as a comment. Getting there, yes. All the Sims. So like, I went back to the hotel room furiously jerked off, just trying to like, you know, satisfy it up.

Yeah, like, didn't work. And then I'm sitting in the airplane. And then yeah, I just was so overwhelmed by thinking about that that yeah, I went in the bathroom and jerked off. Okay, you're more of a savage. I lied, I was on a private plane. And I've tried drinking off on commercial planes.

And- Wait a minute. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. You mother fucker you did the old private jerk off trick Here's I will tell you this I have tried on camera. Okay. Privileged folks, that's what it looks like. Dude, Ngu Chi shirt, it can only jerk off on private planes.

Look at that gold button. I get aroused on flights. I have for years. Really? Yeah, I get naturally aroused on flights. What is it? I don't know what it is. I'm sure I could explore it, but I don't know what it is, but I get naturally arousam

flights. And I was, I've been on commercial flights where I go, I'm going to go handle this. And something about, you know, someone's opens the door, it just throws me off, you know, I mean, I just couldn't do it. Who not, nobody knows. Not Knox, but you know, the door jiggles. Like someone's checking or pushing the door and you're like, uh, right. Or then you just start to think about

that there is, that this is taking a while, you know, like you're not, it's harder to focus. I just, I couldn't do it. This is what it's like, planes make you horny. Why? Sometimes lower the amount of oxygen you're blushing when you're brain, which safely achieve, can make you feel even more aroused.

The anomalousy and the excitement of sex and the air can also make for excitement. Well, I've never had that. But anyway, yeah, I have done it on charters. Okay. Wow. That is crazy. I know.

And that's interesting to think about that. The study will never be done. No. But I volunteer. You just did the study. Yeah, yeah. And you said twice. Yes, twice.

It's twice. So this is just probably a thing they know. Like your pilot probably knows. It's like the textual mechanisms. Yeah. And it's a mess. Let me tell you, it's a fun. You just blasting jizz back there.

And then you come back. And I'm like, oh, and they're like, you're dumping your friends on the back, you're touching things in the plane. Touching everybody. Ah, man. That's interesting though, that you get horny on place. That's curious, you know.

I don't understand why. You know, there's something that happens to people in bookstores, you know about this? No. There's a name for it. Do you go to bookstores and like suddenly have to take a shit. I have. Okay, that is believe it or not.

That is like a very common occurrence to the point where there is a name for it. You're being serious? Are you trusting me? Are you doing a Duncan Trust? After what you did to me, you would deserve it, but I'm not that clever. I don't have anything like that.

I was like, you're trusting me. Look, look, look, look, look up. I syndrome, I think it's a, yeah. Phenomena, not syndrome. It's called the Marieco Ayoki Phenomena. I mean, centers, people feel empty their bowels when in a bookstore. Jesus.

You see? And it, wow, hit the one that says, a doctor explains. Okay. At some point in the mid 80s a story goes, a Japanese woman named Mariko Ayoki wrote a letter to a magazine confessing that she sometimes urgently felt the need to poop whenever she entered a bookstore. Ayoki, it turned out, wasn't alone. In the weeks that followed, many other people wrote in, explaining that they too felt the same urge in bookstores and libraries. Yeah.

Likewise, okay, it came, became known as Mariko Ayoki Phenomena. You got sucks the year name. You guys permanently attached to that. Oh my God. Okay, the guy says it's a purely psychological problem. Now, the people who experienced this aren't crazy or nuts.

There's a real connection between the gut and the brain. It's called the gut brain axis. What we feel mentally will affect our bowel. That's why when you're nervous, like taking a test or giving a public speech of butterflies in your stomach, it's the nervousness you feel that corresponds to the butterfly feeling in your gut. For others, the nervousness will cause diarrhea

and owl, other bowel issues will occur. It's a common manifestation of conditions like IBS. Yep. Wow, the intensity of the information that you encounter in museums and libraries or the sudden quiet of a garden can trigger an automatic response to you. That's interesting to apply it. The quiet can do it. So weird. That you're going from, it makes sense noise to like, quiet. You're safe. And then you're like, oh my god. I got a shit. Wow. You've been ignoring it maybe? Yeah. You know?

Yeah, but why do I come so hard in the air? I, man, that you're lucky. Yeah. Like, whatever that is, anytime you have anything like that, you're, if you ask me, like, and I think that's a kink. You've got a kink. It's an expensive kink. It's an expensive kink.

It is an expensive kink. You know, that's intense that you have to be in an airplane and a charter jet to come that hard. That's intense. It is, but I agree with you on the luck of kings. And I think if somebody is with somebody with a king, you're actually lucky. Sometimes people are off put by them.

But you're lucky that you have something that can easily satisfy somebody. It's like a trigger. So let them indulge and use it to your advantage. That's a fun and yeah, agree. Yeah, you're lucky, but for you, yeah, it's a tough one. Do you have an army hammer? Everyone's like, guys, I'm fucking jerky.

He's got to get ribs from a... He's got to cut something out of a girl. Jesus Christ, man. Yeah, those are brutal. King. He engraved his initial. He like branded a girl. Oh, what an asshole. Yeah. And she was like, you know, what is that? Keith Reneer. Same thing. Well, it's the evil. That's where I mean, you go from going like, oh, this doesn't seem like a actual consensual BDSM play to where somebody's getting a thrill, when you get a thrill out of hurting,

that's when you start to register on the evil scale. Right, for sure. If you need suffering to feel good. Yeah. Yeah, like that girl. That's the, oh my God, it sucks. And he liked the blood. I mean, he's got a dark side, man.

He's got a real dark, dark side. She's got to explain that to like all the guys she meets, like what the A is, she has to invent something or tell the truth. Ooh, yeah. Look at that. It looks like well-kein carved it, then it's a brand. And that picture right there of the two of them,

the split screen, my first thought, it's like what a good looking couple. Beautiful. Yeah. Beautiful couple. Yeah. But one of them's a real goofball. Yeah.

Yeah. Truly. What a goof. He's always goofing around with his chicks. Yeah. Wow. Oh, yeah, he started an account, not on Instagram, but on a different platform where he would just show himself drinking and driving and smoking shit and taking, like, it was just wild.

Apparently, there was this whole bunch. Apparently there was like this, a whole bunch of people that were like celebrities were doing that, like starting a profile on this other lesser known Instagram, I forget what it was, it was in the doc, but they're like, they go, yeah, we just, he just uploaded all this shit with his face, like drinking out of a bottle while he's dry.

Right, it's crazy. Yeah, that stuff is, I don't get that at all. Like when he hates you, videos of themselves, do you like that? And then go public with it. Like you want to, you're doing that because you are sick of your life.

Yeah, it's a daring move. It's impulsive. It does show like a lack of judgment. And it's like, yeah, you're, but you want to get taken down. Like if you're doing that, it's just, you're sick of it.

I'm drinking and drunk. That's not one of the craziest things you can fill yourself doing is I openly, willfully, and publicly am impaired and driving. You know what, this is a product of the times though, because that was just like my dad driving. Sure. When I was a kid, everyone used to drink and drive.

That was way more normal. Way more normal. But now you can't say that. You know? Yeah. And also, I think back then two cops would be like, I want you to finish that one and then hit the road. Yeah.

They didn't care. Yeah. Yeah, it's a completely different time now. But yeah, that's like of all the things about him, that seems like the least. That's true. That's true. Yeah, that's true.

Drink it and drive and yeah, I know he's cut and fucking his name into people. It's a little more of a good. Probably blood in that thing. He's probably drinking blood. Yeah, he's had a lot of blood and yeah. Well, I gotta ask you something. Yeah.

Do you believe in aliens? Like, do you get into UFO stuff at all? I don't get into UFO stuff at all. I'm more of the mindset that I think it's completely plausible to believe that there's other life forms. I don't believe in like when everyone's like, I saw one and that was that last night and all that. But I think the size of the universe, like the infinite, like just we can't even comprehend

how huge this is. Right. To think that where the only life form is just, I don't know, it feels arrogant. And so I sometimes think that we haven't maybe encountered it yet. Like the stories that I've heard usually have something that you can really pick apart and people will conveniently, that's the thing with like a lot of conspiracy theories is that people will conveniently ignore the data that doesn't support whatever they're saying

and they'll do that with alien UFO, all that stuff. But I think it's very plausible to believe that there has to be life elsewhere, that we maybe just have... So what do you think about all this stuff coming out now with the tick-tax and all the weird craft that have been picked up by like military vehicles and ships and... I know. Oh, this is up to recently declassified? Yeah, it's really interesting.

It's like all of a sudden, like these things are everywhere. And not only that, but people are getting brain damage from being around them, like. Really? Yeah, like they're getting some kind of like things like this. Like a lot of times I'm not saying this one,

but things like this, a lot of times there'm not saying this one, but things like this, a lot of times there are images that are shared that people will be like, what's this? And you go, well, okay, like in this particular case, like I'm saying in the hypothetical scenario, I'm presenting, there'll be a eventually, like a rat, there'll be like, that's a fucking sessna in the distance reflecting off. Like they'll just, people will, because it's exciting to think that there's more happening on that part I get. It is exciting to, but, so I don't know,

like I don't know this actual, this says, they can't explain. Well, this is really, it's the strangest thing ever. And it's, the reason it's interesting is because it isn't coming from the UFO community, which what you're doing right now in the UFO community, you know, we call it. What? It's called swamp gassing. Okay. So what you do is people like you and your Gucci shirts come on your hands, getting off your plane, dripping g, up your hands. I'm a fucking concrete.

Yeah. People like you. Yeah. You just refute the stories, the anecdotal evidence, not of one person, but of so many people and you're like, oh, you saw whatever. I mean, I did say, I think it's very believable that life exists outside of our planet. I think that is. I've said that a lot of times the evidence shown is really shaped like not great. But this new, as you're getting into, you're saying this is not coming from the UFO community. Right. What's the reason that a lot of people in the UFO community

are suddenly feel validated is because the US government, it's like one question is why are they even talking about it? Why not keep it top secret? Why are they like doing public hearings on it? And so people are what they're saying is, well, they are trying to get ahead of the curve. Sure. Because so many people have been witnessing these things and now because there's some kind of physiological proof.

The brain damage? Yeah, and the VA has got to cover that. So, like, so they're trying to get ahead of the curve. And so that's why it's a really interesting thing. So what do you think is happening? No idea. I mean, no, I mean, there's two, like, broad possibilities, I guess. One is it's like some, like, new tech coming from somewhere.

Who knows where? Hopefully us. That seems like the most plausible. Like if you're gonna roll the dice on something, it's like the odds are, it's coming from humans, not coming from space, I would guess. But yeah, the other one is, either we have, now that we have these new ways

of getting data, like intense super high tech radar systems and stuff. We're seeing things that have always been sort of flitting around the planet, or for whatever reason, like things have discovered our planet and are just starting to check us out. It could be drones. I mean, there's all kinds of bizarre explanations

with the two arts, either from humans or it's not. And what's weird is some of these people, like high ranking officers are like, this is not terrestrial. They're saying that openly. Yeah, openly just saying, well, like, how does that even work? It's like going so fast and then stopping,

then going underwater, then coming out of water. Like, what the fuck is that? Can you imagine if that is actually just a weapon being developed? What the next wave of weapons are going to be? I'm talking about 100 years from now, like when we're gone. If things like, you know, now somebody in Nevada can sit in a room and go, do, do, do, and like send a missile into Pakistan

and just blow up a house. Yeah. What is going to develop with weapons? It's going to be. It's crazy. Terrific. And it's coming. It will, I was talking to my wife about this.

Think of just before we dropped the first atomic bombs. This was done in top secret. Nobody knew there were some theory of it could be done. And you could split the atom, it would cause an explosion. But most people had no idea that this was being researched. They were working on it. And so all of a sudden, on the news of weapons that no one had ever heard of before wipes out.

Entire cities, just evaporates. Entire cities came out of nowhere, ins World War II. And so if that happened once, it'll happen again, but it's gonna be like, the news comes on, it's like, well, suddenly there are no people living in Russia. They're just all gone. And then Biden's gonna come out and be like,

we had to do it, we knew a nuclear war was imminent. They were gonna launch nukes, so we used a new... Oh yeah, so we knew. Fill in the blank. And they're still in Russia, but in an alternate dimension. We essentially moved all the people in Russia to another part of the multiverse in a different Russia. I thought too that, you know, this felt very much in like this Russia Ukraine war.

Yeah, it's scary. It's very scary, but also like there's this feeling especially in the first few weeks where it just felt like Putin was getting to a place of, you know, I'm just, I'm getting older. Yeah. It's time to like do something that, you know, whenever forget kind of thing. Right. And I really thought that was going to extend. I mean, I guess it still could, but to further parts of the world.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, this is the big problem is that, yeah, right now, maybe the people running things are sane. It's a huge assumption. I mean, look at Army Hammer. If you didn't know, you would be like, that's a totally beautiful sane, great actor. You didn't know he's like barbecuing model ribs.

It's fucking awesome. But this is super symmetrical. So there's this assumption that the leader is somehow or completely sane. Yeah. You know, you don't know what's happening with any of them. Like they could be being visited by...

Fucking mega-lemaniacs. All right. And they, yeah, of course, you don't know, imagine the real intel you have in those positions, it's gotta be terrifying. Terrifying. When you really know. Yeah.

So we all sort of lean into this idea that like right now Putin isn't having a hallucinatory conversation with a sheep who's like, it's time, it's time, you gotta do it. That's all it takes, not only that, but what about just a simple malfunction? What if just, I don't know, the wrong button gets pushed or just a computer? That's happened. People push the wrong button all the time. Missile gets launched.

They're like, oh fuck, it's happening. And then it's over. Why am I age, lie of eight? And the dog pushed the wrong button on a video. That exactly the same thing. It could have been. Except it wipes out. Yeah, they have to plan it.

But yeah, that is, I mean, that is. No, I have to do that. He could accidentally blow up the planet. Yeah, I need to go, I don't know. Fuck, oh man, shit. Fuck, fuck, shit. That's the thing, like just. I blew up italy.

Ugh, it's gone, it's gone. Yeah, I mean, that's the other creepy thing. I don't know, I try not to think about this stuff, but I was the same way, like I'm thinking, they're's a you know what you do to do man. What honestly? You come with me on a chartered flight And we will jerk off in the bathroom any time you want to I'm there Yes, yeah, you know what I'll set it up right now. Give me a give me a second. Great. Where do you want to go? I don't know some place. It's like fun to jerk off while you're flying to.

Yeah. What's your favorite, what's your favorite jerk off for out? I love flying west, west, buddy. I like to come, just as I'm going over to the stream. That's just stream gets me going. You don't even have to move your hand. If you're getting the turbulence, oh, fantastic. Not always bad even have to move your hand. If you're getting the turbulence, you're...

Oh, fantastic. Not always bad. It's not always bad. All right. Thank you for coming today. This was a lot of fun. Thanks for having me. You're the best, man.

I'm so glad we live in the same city. Me too, I'm so glad you're here. Next time, please wear your Gucci stuff. Next time, tell me. I mean, I thought I was like, ah, I was gonna wear it. I thought we'd be all Gucci'd out. You know what? It's at the dry cleaners to be honest. I couldn't have. But I thought, you know, don't wear that. So, Sarah's gonna like roast you for all. It's all good. I love you, man. Love you too. See you later. See you. Bye guys. Simon Bert, one goes top and swath the other, wears a shirt Tom tells stories and birds the machine

There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep the clean Here's what we call, two bears one cave No scripts to bet a booze amateur for topology Dirty jokes, ranchy humor, no apologies Here's what we call Two bears one cave