2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 154 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: October 10, 2022

Greg Fitzsimmons is a stand-up comedian, writer, producer, and radio host. He joins Tom Segura, in Bert Kreischer’s place for this week’s episode of “2 Bears, 1 Cave.” They discuss their old acting classes, getting to know adult performers, going shooting with Joe Rogan, “American Psycho,” “The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power,” cultural appropriation in media, method acting, and much more! https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://www.bertbertbert.com/bertyboytourhttps://store.ymhstudios.com/

What's the closest you ever got to being gay? I blew six guys in college. Six? Well, you have to know if you like it. The first one was weird. So I was like, let's do it five more times. You're right, it's a Goldilocks. You have to go in each bed.

And by the six one, I was like, this is gross. This is crazy. This thing, I don't think I'm into this. I like this at all. 100% I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. She's. We are back and once again the Lord has blessed us and Bert is sick and

Thankfully his replacement is so much more fun. It's great to have you Greg. What's he doing buddy? Fucking I gotta say the head head looks good Head looks good. Look at these domes, dude. Do you go all the way down on? Are you buzzing? No, I go, I use the, you know, like the, like ergonomic thing and it goes all the way like skin. Yeah. Like the electric one.

It's really nice. You do the shower. You're doing the shower? Do. I need one of those. Oh, fucking, I'll send you one. Will you? Yes.

They're amazing. Least you can do. I sent you a fucking ass wipe thing for your kid You good heated ass white and I have ever since that I it was so awesome So when you have a kid you know, you don't know anything your first kid Yeah, then an experienced parent tells you you know little things and you were like this is it warms up the wipes Yeah, so you don't think the a newborn doesn't feel a cold fucking wet piece of paper on its ass. It's warm. And I've gifted that to new parents all the time. Yeah, instead of crying when you wipe them, they push back.

Yeah, yeah. Like, oh. Yeah. Yeah. You're like, I think my baby just came. Do you feel like you're back in college on the dance floor at some guy bar. Grinding. Yeah.

Yeah. It feels amazing. Then you want to use them. You're like, this is fucking nice. I know. I want to be treated like a baby one day. Wake up, just wake up and shit the bed. Yeah.

Have somebody clean it up. Let me tell you, it's coming. It's coming. Yeah, you just got to turn about 78 80 something like that and then shit the bed. Yeah, it's the whole fucking routine again Yeah, yeah, I mean I love I love yeah being taken care of like that. Yeah, it's got to be amazing Yeah, being cruddled and and every little thing if you're if the baby goes like, oh, like what is it? Yeah, what is it? What is it? You could just do that. I'm like, I don't want a titty in my mouth, or whatever, you know?

So you can actually say it. All right. And then you're done sucking on the titty, and they go, you seem like you need to burp. And then they bounce you up and down a little bit. Yeah. Let your little burp out. And then you just point at your dick.

Now you could. Next. Let your little burp out and then you just point at your dick. Now you could. Next. You mean your mother would say you dick? Yes. It seems like she's from South America. Oh right, I forgot you guys had ditches and ditches. It's totally different.

Yeah. That's just like a normal hello. Is it that a thing with like orthodox kids? Doesn't like the rabbi. So like the kids dick. Yeah, they perform some, one of the rituals, and it involves sucking the kids penis. Sounds right, Nadav.

Can confirm it's to stop the bleeding after the circumcision. Oh. Well, I'm not gonna trade that then. Let me tell you, they're different. You know what I mean? We're on a different team, you and I. I'm glad I wasn't chosen.

Yeah, yeah. I'll sit on the bench for this game. Yeah, you guys go ahead and do your thing. God. This is a comment, this is a routine thing. Yeah, it's like, I've never been to a circumcision, but the moil who's the rabbi that circumcises. Look, scientifically they say that there's something

in the spit enzyme that stops the bleeding. I don't know if that's just like, come on, let us do it. But that is a rough visual, dude. Yeah. I don't pull it up. I don't want if that's just like, come on, let us do it. But that is a rough visual, dude. Yeah. I don't pull it up. I don't want to imagine that. And is it crowd watching? Is it part of the ceremony?

Like everybody's standing around watching? It's in front of everybody, yeah. Wow, dude. It's a lot of pressure. Yeah. Yeah. I once got a blowjob in the back of a van in the Bronx in front of my friends. Did you really?

Yeah, and I couldn't do it. Really? I couldn't do it. They're just watching. Yeah. How many friends? Well, it was a professional transaction. Okay, okay, okay.

So. Were you able to get hard? About halfway. Yeah, but then it was too much, right? Between the peppermint schnapps and guys in grateful dead jackets laughing. You know, everybody had a silk screen of the doors. The great, you know, every chain smoking in the back of the window is vanted. It felt a little rater.

They're going to come. Fizzy. Every's hands are up waiting for the high five. Oh my God. Yeah. Yeah, that's why you know, it's great. Like the, you know, the porn people, it's like full cameras and people and you're like, all right, that's a different, that's a skill set. Have you been to a set?

No, I haven't been to a set. No, I've never been to one. I did it when I was, I hosted the porn awards twice. I remember this, yeah. And so they said you should probably go to a sat and check it out Yeah, and I was like I guess it's my wife. Do you care? And she's like I'm so fucking lucky my wife is like does not care She's like do what you're gonna do, you know, cuz she trust me. Yeah, yeah, and so I go downtown

and and it was like, it was so like shooting a TV show. It was so much more about the cameras and the lights and I did not get aroused at all. I believe it. Yeah. I believe it. I mean, I've seen this on other podcasts

where I don't know if this happened to you, but every time I've met a lot, you know, like, like, there's this thing in like the comedy and adult world where it does kind of, you know, I mean, they come to the shows, like if you're an L.A. And they're always really nice, but I can't like be aroused by anyone that I meet. I meet them. And I'm like, oh, you know, just like you humanize them right away. Yeah. And then like you guys talk about your day and life and then it's like, I don't want to watch this person do porn now. Yeah. It's only like when it's a distant fantasy removed like the humanity of a person. Right. Or you can objectify them, but like I don't get a thrill out of meeting them and then watching their stuff. However, there was a girl who was a comedian in Boston when me and Rogan were coming up. And she was smoking hot, like big curvy, sexy, Jewish girl.

And then she was pretty so she goes, you know, I'm moving out to Hollywood and about two years later we're like, I'm gonna say her name, but remember someone's like, yeah, somebody handed me a VHS tape and she had been doing some like, remember when Cinemax was just like porn? And that was like, that's what she'd gotten into. Like the skit, like the, it was like soft core. It was like soft core, but I mean like, sex scenes that went on for like four minutes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And, and she was in it, and I mean that, I can't tell you, it's the most aroused I've ever been. Really, yeah. Because I know her. Yeah, but you're also, that's also kind of a reversal what I'm talking about, right, in a way, because what I'm talking about is like the porn performer,, because what I'm talking about is the porn performer, you've seen them and porn, then you meet them.

And the fantasy is like, it's over. This is someone from your real life that gets into a fantasy thing. Totally different, I think. Did you respect her or not? Like you did, right? I felt sad that she'd gone to Hollywood and I don't think that was her vision of how things

were gonna play out. So it was like, I knew that she wasn't gonna be able to stand up and Boston again. Yeah. You know, once you go there, I don't know how you come back from that. I mean, I guess Debbie, I think Debbie Harry did porn before she, before Blondie took off. Really?

Yeah. Real porn? Well, she definitely did nude photos, but I heard that there was also a porn that she did a porn that was going, I shouldn't say that allegedly, allegedly. Can I tell you when I first got, I almost did a skin and max show.

So, what? Yeah, yeah. So, I'm 22. This is peak time. I'm like 185. I weigh like 30 pounds less than I'm 22. This is peak time. I'm like 185. I weigh like 30 pounds less than I do now. Wow. I'm a kid, I'm 22 years old.

Yeah. Clean shaven, I have hair. Full head of hair. And I go in, and the audition is like FBI agent. And this is like non-union stuff, right? And I'm like, just like, you know, I gotta, yeah, I'm like this guy in the middle, you know, like good.

And so I go in there and the guy, you know, okay, I do the read with him and he's like, how do you feel about being nude? And I was like, oh, I want the non-nude part. He was like, you sure? And I go, yeah, he goes, and he pulls up a picture of this beautiful blonde woman naked. He goes, you'll get to fuck her. And I go.

He had orchestrated this interview. Yeah, and I was like, I go, he goes, well, you know, pretend fuck her, but you guys will be naked and shoot the scene and you sure you don't wanna do that. I mean, I don't think I can, man. I think I gotta do the clothes part. Yeah.

And he was just like, look at her again. Yeah. And I was like, fuck. Wow, good. It was like straight. I know, well, I just kept thinking about like, honestly, at that age, just parents, you know, I just left college.

Yeah. I remember calling, I remember calling my dad and telling him, and I was like, but I told him I would only do the clothes part, but it would be like a soft core scene, and he's like, that's okay. I was like, you're like, well, you know, people got to get their start somewhere. That's why I was like, all right okay. He's like, he's like, you're like, well, you know, people got to get their start

somewhere. That's why I was like, all right, well, I go, I'm just not, I just just need, you know, I won't be pretend fucking some chick on cinematics. Yeah. But yeah, it was like offered. When I was in acting school, I went to acting school for two years in New York

and it was a very method, methody. Yeah. And so I was supposed to do this scene with this girl from this play called The Dreamer Examinsus Pillow. And it was a very, it was like a rip scene. Woof.

I was supposed to rip her. And so we did the scene in class. And the teacher who was this, he was this gay guy with a handle bar mustache. And he had like, button fly jeans. And I always left the top two buttons open. Oh my god. And they were super tight and you can see his bulge and he was very flamboyant. He was fucking right. Richard Pinter, best acting teacher in New York. And he goes, stop, stop. This is fucking bullshit. Stop. You're not right here. And he goes, you guys need to work this scene out. So he gave us the keys to the studio.

And he goes, come in here when we're not around. And you guys need to go deep into this scene. And this girl was smoking hot. She was this Puerto Rican girl from Brooklyn. And, uh, and so we played out the scene like, you know, like, it was so hard to cross that line. Yeah. But like, you want me to tear her clothes off, and like, dry hump, and it was, it was dark. Yeah. And, and we,

How fucking hard did you get? I got super, I mean, you're hard right now. I can't believe it. I'm so excited. Oh my gosh. To sanction it, to say go for it, it's very hard emotionally and psychologically and spiritually to, and that's why I'm not an actor to this day. I was not able, I wasn't able to do it. Yeah, that's a rough, that's a rough direction to get. Yeah.

And so she, but she was good with you working through that scene. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember I did acting class out here also with Janet Alhanti. She was phenomenal. Out here? In Austin? Sorry, sorry. I always think I'm an LA. Yeah.

And there was like celebrity pop-ins all the time. And at the time this actress, I think her name was Brooke Burns. I think she was she dating Bruce Willis, or something like that at the time. Oh yeah, she was a Baywatch girl. Yes, and we had a scene together. Damn!

Yeah, we had a scene together in front of the class, and I was supposed to also get aggressive with her. Uh-huh. And I asked her to slap me and she was like, no, I'm not going to, I don't want to do that. I go, I want you to do it. And I go, I think it would help, you know, and she's like, really?

And she was like, I don't know. I was like, all right. And then we do the scene and she slapped me. Like she slapped the shit out of me. Yeah. And I was like, I fucking like, and she was like, oh, and then the scene ends and I go, that was great. That was great.

That was great. I loved it. Did you have it on tape? No, no, but it's plays in here all the time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I used to take this other class with Greg Gerardo in New York.

Fucking Greg. He was the best. And the teacher, and he was Sally Johnson. She was a good teacher, but she was cross-eyed. And so like you do the scene, and then you and your partner would be standing there, and she would go like, she would be like, and you were particularly good. I like the choices you made, and you're thinking,

like, me? How great was Greg, because a lot of people, you know, it's one of those things now too, where we were just talking about how, you know, in this, like, business and entertainment. There's a time frame. You can be huge for 50 years, like George Carlin. Yeah. I want to say he died in 07, I think. Okay.

Right, which I was like, that seems like so long ago now. Yeah. And I feel like you could go up to like a 30 year old today. Oh, wait. And they'd be like, oh, I know that name. You're like, damn, you already don't know who that is. Right. And like everybody who I'd met Deraldo, I think once.

But I'm saying like I was watching all his stuff all the time. Yeah. Like how talented that guy is. But you got that you were like friends. You, you started together. I mean, that was like my, my sort of class in New York, if coming up was like me, Gerardo, Todd Barry, Jim Gaffigan. Like we were all Kevin Brennan. We all came, kind of came in at the same time.

Sarah Silverman, He was so good. And he was just the guy that I immediately was like, oh, this guy's gonna... Well, he also had the work ethic. Like, he fucking wrote. He wrote smart, incisive. Like, you remember the altercation he had with Dennis Leary? Oh my God. Oh my God.

And we're at Dennis tried to call him on the fact that he worked hard and wrote material for the show. It was unbelievable. And what was great about it was it showed that not only that Greg was doing the work and he was prepared, which always showed, but that he then went off script and he just went after Leary.

And Leary who's a scrapper, he's a street fighter type comic. And D'Ralla took him down. Took him down. Yeah. and Larry, who's a scrapper, he's a street fighter type comic. And D'Ralla took him down. Took him down. Yeah. And it also highlighted in that moment, the not just the work ethic he had, but that somebody was the other guy who was a big name and successful was like,

I'm just being myself up here. I'm not preparing stuff. And I feel like that's enough. And the message there was like, you know, I'm just being myself up here. I'm not preparing stuff. And I feel like that's enough. And the message there is like, no, no, you should still keep preparing, even if everybody knows who you are. Because otherwise you're left in this moment, where you're like, oh shit, I just got embarrassed. It's a fucking powerful moment. Like, you feel it.

That's like, I had had a visual reaction where like, like you, you don't wanna be Larry in that moment. He looked naked. Yes. He was exposed. Totally exposed. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Sorry that I fucking try. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Oh my god. But it's like that also, like sometimes I'll be in New York and like the comics in New York, just they grind a lot

harder than the LA comics. And like I'll go into the comedy seller and it'll be like, you'll see Sam or Al and Mark Norman and they get up on stage and they're doing shit. And I see them, you know, pretty frequently. I'm, yes, see their social media. New shit, like brand new shit, tearing it up. And you just realize like, I remember being that hungry and being that driven and working

that hard. And I still work hard. I still am always doing new stuff, but not like that. Not that. Yeah. I think that also is the natural path where you're going to really, really grind. That's generally not sustainable for 30 40 years. Right, right. I mean you still work hard and you're always doing new material and you're doing the road

which is like kind of that is the job. Yeah, but yeah when you're when you're like really trying to you know make a name for yourself and get people to recognize you and get gigs and you feel like that audience is first coming to you and you're like, oh, I have people, I got a deliver. Yeah. You can't manufacture that. I can remember being on the road and I would get up Friday morning after my Thursday night show

and I would sit there with my tape recorder with a notebook and I would go through word for word. No. Every, and it's Friday night, if I did two shows, then the next on Saturday, I'd listen to both hours, Word for Word, and I would write down word changes, tags, you know, crowd work that went well. I mean, I was like, I was obsessed.

It shows, it still shows. You always have new stuff. Always. Yeah, it's like, I mean, you're one of my favorite comics to watch because you always, like there's people who say they're doing new stuff and you're like, I've seen this for 15 years. And then you really, like you'll talk about the trip

you just got back from and you always have insightful, smart, funny shit. And you always go for it. Like you go for jokes. Well, thanks, man. I love it. I love watching you just. Thanks. Yeah, the man. I love it. I love watching you say things. Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, the joke, going for the joke really is something that is almost frowned upon now. Of course. People don't go for the joke. No, you go for the, like you go for the joke, dude. I think that is the, a school of comedians that are probably from your class through like my class. Yeah. And then it kind of changed. Like I'm at the end of like go for the joke. Right.

Feels like it sometimes and then things now are, but like that's why I love from that class too is like those like Chris Rock and Seinfeld and those huge guys, they all are like, yeah, go for the joke. Like go for the, say whatever it is. Is there a funny joke? Are you going for it? That's what they respect. That's always how I liked it too.

It's like, yeah, dude, that's a fucking, he went for it. Yeah. That's what I wanna say. And I think that's kind of why roasting came back because it's so, it's going for the joke. It's like, it was kind of like, people forgot that comedy could be that pure and that good. Where you could really just think craft, hone,

and then come in with just concentrated bam, bam, bam, bam. One of my favorite messages to get after a show that I do is you'll see, you know, people usually are very like, that was, you know, they had a great time. And then sometimes you'll see people go, Bam, bam. One of my favorite messages to get after a show that I do is, you'll see, you know, people usually are very like, that was, you know, they had a great time. And then sometimes you'll see people go like, I got really uncomfortable at these things. And I'm like, great.

And I mean, I still am doing it, at least to some degree. Yeah. You know, when they were like, that part, I really got, I didn't like that. Yeah. Oh, good. Well, I think it's like surfing. I mean, you can go out and you can ride the white wash on a fucking boogie board and have a fun day.

But like if you really want to feel it, you got to go out where the waves are. You got to find that topic, whether it's abortion or whether it's race or whatever. You got to find that spot that makes you uncomfortable and then bring that on stage. Like I've always felt like that's where it's comedy should for me. It started with what am I, and I think the watershed moment for me was when I went on Howard Stern,

I said, like, what is something I would not even tell my best friend and then bring it on stage? So I go on Howard Stern and I told this story about how when I was in college, like I was really into Iggy Pop and David Bowie and the stones and there was a lot of like, there was a lot of like bisexuality that was happening. And I was like, you know, and I'd had sex with a lot of different women and configurations of women and I was like, and I was like, maybe I'll,

when would be like being with a guy, you know, should try it. I was a drunk, I was doing drugs, I was like, I do anything. Sure. So I was like, I'm going to do it. I'm going to, I'm going to blow a guy, you know? And so, and I didn't know who because what was weird was like, I was, I was never attracted to guys.

Like, I had no draw whatsoever. Right. But at the same time, I was like, I'm not going to know unless I do it. Yeah. And so I, so I told this story on Stern and I had like, I'm not gonna know unless I do it. And so I told this story on Stern, and I had literally, I had told my wife and two other people at dinner the week before. And my wife was angry at me that I had never told her this, and that I shared it in front of another couple in front of her.

That's how fucking bads. So I'm in college, and I go, I'm walking home, and I lived in the Fenway, which is in Boston. Every major city, I don't know if Austin has this, but every major city has a small wooded area downtown that was planted and grown for anonymous gay stuff. New York City has the Brambles and Boston has the Fenway, just behind Fenway Park. And I happen to live across the street from the brambles. And Boston has the Fenway, just behind Fenway Park. And I happen to live across the street from the brambles. So I come home one night, it's like four in the morning,

I'm stumbling drunk and I'm like, I'm gonna do it. And I just, I went straight into the woods and it was like, it was like a fall night, it was like spooky, there was like leaves dangling and I see shadows shifting in the woods. And I was like, I didn't know what the protocol was. I don't know how it works. So I just walk in and all of a sudden this guy

just jumps up from behind a tree, like with his hands on his hips, like the gay elf, like I'm the guy. This is the dick. And I was like, all right, let's do it. And so he's standing there and he unzips his fly. Uh huh. And he pulls out his dick. And so he's standing there and he unzips his fly. And he pulls out his dick.

And I was like looking at it like, I guess, I guess is it. And then he reaches in with his hand and he pulls his balls out. But he's still got his pants button. So he's got balls and shafts sticking out of a fly, all being pushed together. Like it looked like a guy with hairy shoulders

in a bald head. It was, and so I just looked at it and I was like, nope, no interest. I got, that doesn't do it for me. And so then I got scared because I was in the woods in the middle of the night with a guy with his dick out. And so I pushed him and he fell down. And then he got up and he ran off into the woods

with his dick flopping up and down and I just and I just stumbled out of the woods like that. I guess it's like it. Did you got as close as someone can get to trying it as close. I was like a foot away from this deal. Holy shit. Big balls. Big balls.

Well, they were it was shrugging. I mean, they were, they were being pushed up. All right, but by the fly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was like a push up bra situation. Yeah, wow. What's the closest you ever got to being gay? I blew six guys in college.

Six? Well, you have to know if you like it. You know, the first one was weird. So I was like, let's do it five more times. You're right, it's a Goldilocks. You have to go in each bed. And by the six one, I was like, it's gross. This is crazy.

This side, I don't think I'm into this. I don't like this at all. Meanwhile, the seventh guy is like, fuck, man. I was like, I was thinking, I was talking about the gays thing I've ever done. I think it was, it wasn't a sexual act. It was enjoying being hit on and like accepting it and not being like, oh, thanks, man.

And like, all right, appreciate it. It was like just, and it was actually, I think it was also in Boston. Yeah. Cause I was working in Boston right after college at a real estate place. We would go out and I remember being like, hit on and just being like, this feels good.

Like just like taking it in, you know? Did he have a drink? Yeah, I think about my drink and, you know, and I just like, I guess I accepted it. I just was like, it was the attention. It was like, it was flattering attention. And it was also the type of attention that like, you know, pretty rare for a woman

to come on, do you like that? He wasn't like, you know, being super good. But I mean, he was just like, staring and like, you know, complimenting. And I think I just like was like, yeah, feels good. Yeah. I just took it, you know? And then I walked away, I was like,

that was pretty gay. Yeah. Like it was like a man like really coming on to me, you know? Have you ever watched gay porn? No, I mean, well, we have a friend of the show who has sent us clips of some of his work, but I have like. No, really? Yeah, yeah.

I know, you know, there's a lot of women that go they love watching gay porn. No shit. Yeah, there's a, like it's a thing where some women go like, you know, great bodies and I'm like, and they don't care, I guess that there's a nut like a it's a thing where some women go like, you know, great bodies and I'm like and they don't care. I guess that there's not a woman there, right, but they They enjoy it. Yeah, I haven't like sat around been like I'm gonna watch some gay porn. Yeah I've had a lot of friends send me links to

Trans porn Trans porn. Yeah, yeah, I have a friend who was like, I love this stuff, and I go, that's cool, I'm not into it. And he goes, check this one out. And I go, but I'm not into it. And he's like, you gotta watch it. And I'm like, all right. And then I was like, wasn't that hot?

I go, no, that's what I mean. I'm like, what are you doing? Was it breast and a penis? Yeah, yeah, breast and a penis. And of course, now, I'm not saying that it didn't happen before, but even more so now, I think there are, you can be completely fooled before that shot.

Well, face is like stunning, breast spotty, you're like, wow, and then you're like, wow, right. Yeah. Well, there's the whole brand of the Thai lady boys. Yes. And they are gorgeous. Gorgeous, yeah.

Yeah. I mean, that's the thing is like, if you're in that situation, right, where like let's say you were like at a bar and you get to the room and then you're all fired up and then you drop your pants and then she drops her pants and you're like, oh shit, I'm gonna be like, you're like, just, you suck it first, you know?

You're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you I can't suck me dry. Yeah, I'm just I'm sorry. Wow. All right. All right. Or you do a 69, but it's like the laziest 69. She's like putting your mouth.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. This six is doing a lot of suck and a claim with the balls. And the nine is just rolling his headbag. Yeah. God. Yeah. All right, I'm not against it. I'd try it. I try.

Yeah. If I was in, I remember we were in Macau and we did a show. Where's Macau? China. Yeah. And it's like their Vegas. It's a fucking unbelievable. I don't know if you can do an aerial shot of Macau.

The number of casinos, I believe they told us it was seven times the amount of Vegas. Seven times. Whoa. And you're like, what? No kidding. It's the money laundering capital of the world. Damn. It's the only place that China allows exchange of currency

and for you to leave with other currency. No kidding. So like if you go, if you're in Beijing and you're like, I want to trade $100,000 and they're like, uh-uh, that should stay. But if you go to Macau, you can do it. So it's a huge crime, you know, mafia hanging too. But I mean, that is, it's just like, damn. It's nuts, dude.

And so it's a financial city or or is it just a gambling city? Well, there's finance, but like huge, like gambling capital of the world. Wow. And the casinos are, you know, the Asian community loves casinos and gambling. Yeah. All the Las Vegas casinos,

cater to the Asian community. People don't even know that. If you look into the design color pattern everything is Because Asians like it like eights are lucky. So like the eight floor has colors And then there's that famous MGM grand story where they used to have the entrance used to be the lion's mouth and Asians were like Mm-hmm. We don't want to walk into the lion's mouth and they were like take that shit down Right, it was like fucking hundred thousand dollars. Yeah, they're like nope.hmm, we don't want to walk into the lion's mouth and they were like, take that shit down. It was like $100,000. They're like, nope. Because you can't keep, like, do anything that would,

you know, get Asians out of your casino. But we were there, we did a show, and, and yeah, they were like, oh, you don't like this? No problem. But the bars were just full of, you know, ladyboys and stuff. And you could not, like, you couldn't tell, dude. Yeah. They're super aggressive. That's something they tell you. Like, yeah, women aren't like this. Yeah. Yeah. Like, biowomen aren't going to be this aggressive. Yeah. But like, face body, you had no idea. Right idea right right not until we fucked them It's like this clip is huge Jesus Christ Yeah, it's amazing how much the Asians have Have control over the US in terms of like films that come out they they go through scripts

Mm-hmm the Chinese movie industry has a say in big blogbuster movies. They come out there. Yeah, absolutely. Otherwise, they're like, they didn't release that new top gun there. Oh, is that right? Yeah. And it still is like a humongous box office smash, but they had some, I don't know if it was like a flag or something that China was like, uh-uh, and they were like, well, we're not taking it.

All right, then we'll play here. That's the biggest market in the world. Wow. Talk about gay porn. Did you see that movie? No. That's the only one. I haven't still haven't seen it.

Did you see the first one? Yeah, of course. Dude, when they're looking at each other and Val Kilmer, like, Chomsa's teeth at Tom Cruise. And everyone's shirtless and sweaty. They're playing volleyball and like close-ups and then rolling in the sand. Yeah.

Yeah. Like, dude's never, when do you see dudes doing that? The ever. You know what else is funny about that movie was like, I remember, you know, there's always like the famous Star Wars scroll where they show, where they, they, they, they, they're like, the Top Gun program was developed in 1985

for the top for the most elite pilots. And like, if you watch like Ken Burns thing or something on PBS, like, it scrolls really fast. You can barely read it. Top Gun, they left it up for like four minutes, like three sentences. That's the audience. That is the audience, yeah.

Yeah. Top gun came out in 1985. Yeah. That's pretty good stuff. Bunch of dummies. Yeah. Yeah. That's funny. That's like, that actually is so rare that you have probably like a movie that appeals to whatever gay fans and women wanting to see

like, dude, nothing comes out like that. Really, magic mic, you know? Most. Well, there's a new one, Billy Eichner has a new movie out and I'm kind of curious to see how it does because it's the first like big budget mainstream gay movie about gay romance, it's about gay like big budget mainstream gay movie. Really? About gay romance.

It's about gay relationships. Oh yeah. And I saw, and I, you know, and I heard about it from Judd because Judd produced it. And then, and then I saw the trailer. And it doesn't shy away from like, this is gonna be about gay dudes making out and dancing and getting on each other and.

It's called bros. Yeah. That's funny. Yeah. And it's Billy is the star of it? Yes. Okay. And is it out now?

I think so. I think it's out this week. Oh wow. There's a lot about gay on this podcast today, huh? So what's, we're just bros, dude. So what? We're just growing down. We can't talk about dudes. What's up? Yes, did I, huh? So what, we're just bros, dude. So what? We're just growing down. Yeah.

Can't talk about dudes, what's up? You know, you tell me one time that you love nothing more than big black tits, and that's why I put up this Aretha Franklin album for you to do. Oh, that's so nice. Yeah, yeah. Did I tell you that? Yeah.

So I switched it up for you. Now we're on to black tits. Yeah, you do love them, right? I can't tell you that. Yeah. So I switched it up for you. Now we're on to black tits. Hahaha. Hahaha. Hahaha. Yeah, you do love them, right? I do love black tits. Hahaha. Yeah.

Yeah. As long as they're big, I guess I don't really care what color they are. Right. Look at those. Look at those things. Whoa. Whoa. There's a certain type of fat black woman

that you don't see other women looking like. Like, you know what I mean? It looks like she's got people underneath that dress. Yeah. And I guess also where you see them still being confident, that's the thing is like a white fat lady knows to shuffle and look at the ground. Yeah.

No. And then a big fat black lady is like, I'm sexy. That's right. That's right. Yeah. You know, Yamannika Saunders. Yeah.

Yeah, she's like that. She's like a sexy black woman with a big body and she puts her Instagram feed is like her working out in some Spandex and stuff. Yeah, and and she yeah, she makes it work. Yeah, but she's she's lost a lot She's like been showing this workout program that she'd been on. That's great dude. She's funny. Is shit really? Yeah, she's super funny Have you ever dated a black woman? I hooked up with one in college. Oh, yeah.

Was that in the book? No, they made me take it out. Um, Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha She was really beautiful. Yeah. There was just one time. Yeah, we like would flirt a lot through like a couple years of college and then it was a senior week where we went to this. And dude, we're staying at this place in Myrtle Beach. It's like 25 of us, seniors. And I walk by the pool and she shows me in one day. Like that's her playing and I was like

So my mind I'm like I'm gonna get her back. Yeah well, I go to shove her and she grabs me as I'm as I'm shoving her so I go in with her and she can't swim. Oh She is full like full Panic but her panic is so, I mean, picture a 10, that she's like drowning me. Oh, yes. Like, so I had to actually shove her off, right?

And look like I was trying to kill her. Yeah. And then like, get air. Yeah. And she was like frantically, I was like she was like why did you do that I'm like what do you mean why'd I do that you shut me in the floor I shut you in the bowl like wow yeah so did and that led to sex yeah she was like dude she she was like really wanting to hook up.

And then they were like telling me that she's in my room. I was like, what, really? She was in the shower. In the shower in your room. She wasn't afraid of drowning. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, can I tell you what happened at the beach?

I was in Venice Beach last weekend. And it's me and my wife and a couple of friends. Beautiful day. I go out, grind some waves. And then all of a sudden the waves just, you know how sometimes they just come up at a nowhere and you're like, holy shit. Yeah.

And the kind of waves where like, it tumbles you and you spin. And then as you come up, there's another one. And as you're trying to swim out, the undertow is pulling you back out into the wave. Yeah, terrifying. Yeah, it's like terrifying. And I start to panic a little bit.

And then I hear from behind me, help. And I turn around and this is dude and he's got on swim goggles. And he's slapping the water and he's going down and I'm like, fuck, I wish I didn't turn around. Because now I gotta do it. And meanwhile, when I was a teenager, I took the junior lifeguard training program.

And me and my friends used to get high every morning before the club parents made us take it. We get high before the class, totally fucked around. And so I failed the written part of the test. And then I failed the physical part of the test as well. So I failed it. And so, but I learned enough so that I knew, I knew like exactly what you said.

I knew that if I approached him head on, he was gonna take me down. So I said to him, I go, you gotta turn around for me. I go turn around and I get him in a cross chest carry. I said, just lean back and relax. And I start doing the side stroke and then a wave comes, big fucking wave. And I'm like, dude, hold your breath.

We're gonna go under, just relax. We go under, tumbled. I look for him, grab him again, side stroke. And this goes on, two minutes doesn't sound like a long period time. No, but in that it is. We got hit by like five waves, and I kept stroking, and I was making a little bit of progress each time. And my muscles, there was no oxygen left,

it was pure exhaustion. And I finally got to the part of the beach where my feet could touch the ground. And so now I can't even swim. And so I'm leaning into them, and I'm pushing them out of the beach where like, my feet could touch the ground. And so now I can't even swim. And so I'm leaning into him and I'm pushing him out of the water and the waves are coming. Also, the lifeguard boat pulls up and some young tan stud dives out of the water,

knocks me out of the way, grabs my guy. Yeah. And pulls him in and the whole, and the everybody on the beach is clapping the lake. Give it a hand jobs and I'm out there and I get sucked back into the wave. No. And now I'm like, Flam, like, hey, what the fuck what about me? And so like I finally like pulled my way out and I like walk back, you know, walking against that undercurrents sometimes can

be so I'd nothing left. And I see the guy in guy on the beach and he gets up and he gives me this big hug and his goggles are like filled with water. It's like a mess and he's like, you saved my life man. And I was like, yeah, thanks. Yeah. How old was he? He was like late 30s, black guy, shaved head. Swim goggles is not a good sign in the ocean.

No. That's a sign of an amateur. That's a real amateur. Yeah. In shape. In shape, but he had a belly. Yeah. But he was like, wow, he was really like panicking and he was done. I mean, when I pulled him, he wasn't struggling. He wasn't helping. He was just dead weight. Jesus. Yeah. I got caught. Did you tell him you like big black tits? weight. Jesus. Yeah. I got caught. Did you tell me like big black tits? He's like, why are you giving me mouth to mouth? I've been out of the water for five minutes now. I got caught in that undercurrent. So it was in in Palm Beach. Dude, I'm just like in the shallow part. I just go out a little more. I'm like, I'm enjoy this ocean,

just like floating swimming, and there's like decent waves. And I float out a little bit, and the waves are decent sized, so I'm like, I'm gonna start going back. I start swimming, and the current is strong, so I'm like, damn. And it's a little deep,

so I swim a little more, and when I finally am able to touch the ground, I try to walk, and the current's too strong, so it pushes me back. So I know, like, I'm able to touch the ground, I try to walk and the currents too strong, so it pushes me back. So I know like don't try to fight it too hard, so I let it push me back. And it takes me back like 10 feet.

And I start to swim again, and it's like wave undercurrent. And I go back again. So now I'm like 20 feet further back than I was. I try to walk and I'm just like, I'm not getting anywhere. Yeah. And I'm starting to actually feel that I'm panicking a little bit. Yeah.

And I was like, holy shit. Because I feel comfortable in the water. You know, I'm not like an amateur swimming. I used to swim. I mean, I don't feel like out of store. Like, oh my god, what do I do? Yeah. But that panic started to rise, and I kept letting it push me.

So now I let it kind of push me to the right, as opposed to back, and it's still the current. It's still, and at one point, I'm like, and a lifeguard is sitting in his tower and he gets down and he looks and he goes, like, you okay? And I took a second and I was walking and I was trying to, and I finally got footing

where I was able to get a little momentum. So I got a few, and I went like this. And then when I came up, I was like breathing hard and I was like, dude, I was about half a second from asking you to come in. Yeah. And he was like, yeah, I looked at, it looked like it. And he's like, yeah, that's a big,

this is a big undercurrent here. Right. It's wide. I mean, it was like a hundred yards wide. Yeah. And it was taken to the, it was fucking terrifying. Well, once you panic, then your breathing becomes shorter. You're not stroking as well.

You're taking little strokes. And they say that the thing to do in that kind of, well, first of all, you look for the waves that are crashing into each other because that's where the, what do they call that, a rip current, which means the waves are coming at each other and then they're sucking straight out. And if you're in that, the best thing to do

is actually swim out to sea. Swim out. Yes, swim out and then go around the rip current. Yeah, I think I was, I could conceive of that, but I wasn't going as far as I needed to go to get out of that current, right? And I also, I had never felt that level of panic in the, like I always thought of it as fun, you know.

I wasn't nervous or in that day I was fully panicked. Yeah, no it's dramatic. It's the ocean's no joke man. The ocean is a strong bitch. And I went back to the ocean a couple of days ago, went back with my wife and I went in the water and the waves were kind of big and like I found myself not able to go out. I was like, I got some PTSD. Oh, for sure.

Yeah. It's gonna take me a while to get back in the water yet. When you helped that guy, which beach were you at? Venice Beach. You were in Venice Beach? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. So he was probably homeless. Beach. You were at Venice Beach? Yeah. Wow. Yeah.

So he was probably homeless. Probably. Why'd you save him? That's what you wanted, right? I could have been part of the solution. Yeah. At least he was clean. Yeah.

Well, certainly. Yeah. Finally for one's in his life. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Are you a swimmer? No, I mean, like, you know, so I swam, I was a swim team kid when I'm like seven, eight, nine years old. So I was up, I mean, in pools, very

comfortable in the pool, you know, like I just, it was part of routine, just swimming all the time. I mean, I didn't stay on the swim team as I got older, but always swam and was very comfortable in the water. I mean, we got the training, we were swimming all the time. And the ocean, I always enjoyed. I mean, I wasn't like obsessed with the ocean. I didn't surf or anything, but again, I wasn't somebody who was like, I don't want to go in the water.

It just felt normal to me. But I've snorkeled, I didn't get scuba certified or anything, but snorkeling was a blast. I did it in multiple places and always enjoyed it. I never quite felt that level of panic as that. Have you taught the kids to swim? Yeah, so the oldest is like really good now. And the little dude is, he's in lessons now, like he's doing them every week.

So he'll probably be good to go, I think in a few more months. Yeah, the sooner you can teach your kids to swim the better, because you don't know when they're going to end up in the pool on a tentative or something. Yeah, it's terrifying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, little guys like getting pretty good at it. So I think he'll be there soon enough. Right.

And to shoot a gun at the stage is key. Key, yeah. Little guys like getting pretty good at it. So I think he'll be there soon enough. Right. And to shoot a gun at the stage is key. Key, yeah. Yeah, line up some homeless and let her rip. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha or? In LA, he was out. So, Taren? When we saw you at that birthday party, the next day he took me out to a range, is that? Taren Tactical. The guy that teaches like, Wic, John.

Yeah, yeah, Taren. That's him right there, yeah, Taren Butler. Yeah, and his assistance, the Ukrainian women. Oh, yeah, yeah. Who were wearing way less than they were right there. And the thing is, you go, you first see them, you're like, come on. And then way less than they're wearing right there. And the thing is you go, you first see them, you're like, come on.

And then they're all like precision shooters like this. Crazy. Yeah. Not just good shots, but like they move from target to target, they're like running around shooting. Yeah. And it was so much fun. It was, it was, it was a blast, dude.

Yeah. It is so fun. They do such, he does an amazing job there. And honestly, you see those women and you're like, for real. And then they're training you and you see like how good they are. Like some of them are competitive world-class shooters. Right. Yeah. And he's other fucking level. Yeah. Yeah. It's a fun, fun, uh, what's your name? Tatiana. I think yeah, she's Ukrainian. Yes. Yeah. She was there. Yeah. And I shot this, it was a AK-47 body,

but it had like a shotgun on it. So you could go like, boom, boom, boom, boom. Yeah, he's got all the toys. Crazy. He's got all the toys, dude. Yeah. It is, it's the most fun. Yeah.

And then he's sets up like courses. That's, dude, you know what I did there one time. They're like, so they give you, if you're standing around, you know, you'll hold through your gun and they'll give you like a plastic gun. Yeah. To just get used to the motion. So I'll be like, you know, go through like,

this is how you're gonna do it. You're gonna go to this target, then you're gonna move here, then you wanna move here. And then it's like making your footwork, practice your footwork to go from here to here. You don't wanna take too many steps and're gonna do it. You're gonna go this target, then you're gonna move here, then you wanna move here. And then it's like making your footwork, practice your footwork to go from here to here. You don't wanna take too many steps and delay through it. So they're like, just practice while we set up. And I was doing that and I put the plastic gun down

and I grabbed my real gun and they're like, yeah, just go through it and I just go boom. And I was like, and they're like, no, it was like during a practice. No one was out there. But like, it scared me so much that I're like, no, she was like during a practice. No one was out there. But like, it scared me so much that I was like, I'm done, I don't wanna do this anymore. For the day, I was like, I'm done and they're like,

no, and then they encouraged me to come back, but I felt so guilty and embarrassed and everything that I had done that. Yeah, I was terrifying. Right, right. I was like, fuck, you feel humiliated by it, you know? But it's a blast, dude. He has, he's really like a teacher is what it is, you know?

Yeah. And he makes you, the reason the studio said their actors there is like, he realized that most people, they're not experienced, they have the wrong idea of like how guns are held. So you look goofy as shit. And if you're gonna be in a movie where you're a marksman, he's like, no one's gonna believe it.

Who knows? You know, he's like holding their guns like this. Oh, I hate the sideways shot. The sideways or their thumbs in the wrong place. He's like, that's not how you hold a gun. But I didn't realize how different, like I got it after a while, but I found the handgun really hard to aim.

And I realized like all those movies where people are not experienced with guns and they're pulling it out and they're shooting multiple, it's like no, it's just not work like that. Doesn't work like that. Yeah. Now then all the best shooters, it's like anything else. Everybody who shoots really well, shoots all the time.

Yeah. Like, there's no such thing as like, I'm precision 95% and I just pick it up once in a while. Yeah. The people who are great at it are like him. Yeah. They're pulling it out every day. Right.

Yeah. And the speed with which he did, oh my God dude. Like, we would do these set up targets. And you know, first time I get it in nine seconds and then I don't know after all these runs I'm able to trim off a couple of seconds he's like that's really fucking good like I want to see you do it yeah dude like two seconds you just did all those in two seconds he's like well you know I'm kind of out of practice I'm like yeah it's like he's won like

national championship multiple times yeah yeah he's a real class guy yeah It's like, he's won like national championships multiple times. Yeah, he's a world-class guy. Yeah. So you go and see like a professional golfer, you really realize what it is to shoot like a 62 when you're like, oh, okay, like this is not. I'm not gonna do this. Yeah, yeah.

Do you golf? I used to, I used to do it more. I haven't done it in years. I, it's like I fantasize about the whole environment of it. Yeah. Like going out there with friends and having like a, you know, a chill afternoon. Yeah. But I haven't done it in a long time. Yeah. I got a cousin who just, he turned pro like four or five years ago. His kid named Danny McCarthy came in like six place in the US open this year. Wow. He's really good. came in like six place in the US Open this year.

Wow. He's really good. He's like, they say he's like one of the best putters on the tour. Really? Yeah. I've been doing the opposite of golf. I've been going to the racetrack and driving a race car.

Oh, no shit. Yeah, Bert got me a race car. So what do you mean he got you a race car? He bought me a race car for my birthday. No. Yeah. Yeah. So I, uh, dude, I was going to ask you to reimburse me for the Uber ride over here. Yeah. There it is right there. The money you guys are throwing around. What kind of car is it? It's a spec E 46. It's like basically a BMW 330i that's been like stripped down. Oh shit. Yeah, I took it to Harris Hill and spent four hours there.

That was my golfing. I was just like, where are you going to go? You know, it's like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like many gears. That is a, what is that? Six speed? No. I think five actually. Five speeds. I think so.

We never got it into fifth, so that's why I don't even know. It's a race track like a car. Yeah, it's called Harris Hill. So with that track in that car, I mean, the most we got it into is fourth, and you're basically in second, third and fourth. Yeah. For most of it, that's the track there, yeah. It was fun as second, third and fourth. Yeah. For most of it.

That's the track there. Yeah. It was fun as shit, man. That's amazing. Was there anybody else on the track when you were doing it? Yeah. Yeah. So you were passing people and people?

Other drivers. But everybody was doing, we weren't in a race. Yeah. So we were just doing times. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I spun out. You did? Oh, yeah. We have it all in video. What's on the borders? Is it like, hey, just fucking metal grass. Yeah. Yeah. Just pop. You know, into the grass. Shit. But then like, you know, he's a good coach and he helped me like, you know, really quickly, like how to recover, how to avoid that. Right. And so we were recovering like, right, he's like, oh, you just saved that spin out, you know? Is it a street legal car?

No. So you just leave it at the track. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's got a trailer and stuff. So really? Yeah, yeah. God damn. I think I'm gonna get another one.

I mean, let's forget about the car for a second and talk about podcasting because we all started out. The first time I did your podcast, it was at this dumpy, what was it? El Segundo, where did you guys live? It was a guest house in Redondo Beach. You told me you felt very sad when you were there. It was so sad.

It felt like an old lesbian lived there. Yeah. I think there was, wasn't there a cat or something? No, a dog. It was a dog. And I just felt, I felt profound sadness because you guys were a couple

and I felt like what's gonna happen to them? Yeah. And now you're buying race cars with your friends. Yeah, it's fucking crazy. Yeah, it's crazy. I know. This whole, I mean...

We did how to be a grown-up for 500 bucks an episode. I know, dude. Where we had. We did how to be a grown up for 500 bucks an episode. I know, dude. Where we had to work all week and write jokes. Yeah, true, true TV. For true TV. Yeah, we were like, thank God, let's check later. We were like, this is great.

I know, it is insane how, how everything, it is crazy. Like in my fat ass right there. Oh yeah, oh, you were big then. Yeah. Damn. Yeah. Well I'm living in that sad house.

So like, you know, I mean I'm just sad. There you are. Yeah, I was looking sharp back then. You look good dude. Yeah. What is that 2012? Sounds about right. Right, so it's about 10 years old.

I'll tell you that show was good in terms of writing because they would give you all these topics about being an adult and it was like, they were topics that if I were to give myself a writing exercise for my own standup, I would say, right about what it's like to buy health insurance and what insurance me. And so I was cranking out material.

I was using it in my act. Also, I have to say, I was, this is before I had Any special come out or anything like that. I was surprised Honestly at the number of people on the road who came up to me about that show. Yeah, it was happening a lot to me Really? Well, I mean like I didn't I wasn't on anything else really I'd done stand up on comedy central a few times and a couple late night spots, but like People would come up to me and I would not know and they'd go, oh, I love the true TV.

I love the true TV, true TV. I'm like, really? Yeah. It just surprised me that it had an audience that was engaged. Right. It was like a talking head show like that. Yeah.

People were watching it. Yeah. It was a few seasons. Yeah, we did a few seasons. Yeah. Yeah. And I remember the makeup artist, she was a personal makeup artist for a celebrity. I won't say who it was.

Yes. But she's stuck shit. She was great. She would give you some good insight. She was also, she was a big lady. Yeah. And she would do this thing every time where I came in the studio.

She'd go, are you hot? And I was like, I don't know if she goes, Tom's hot. And I was like, I don't know if she goes Tom's hot. And I was like, and then the next day, she's like, it's hot, right? And I'm like, I think you're hot. And then she'd be like, Tom's hot, crank the air. I was like, you can just say that you're hot.

You can just say you're men of pauses. It's fine. Yeah, I'm sorry, everybody. I'm like, it's fine. Yeah. I'm sorry, everybody. I'm like, I'm fine. Those were those crews where it would be like the guy who had written the episode was also directing it. Oh, yeah. They were bones, dude. Yeah. Yeah. That was some running gun shit. Yeah. And I had, I don't know about you, but I had like my preferred producer, like who just I felt like got it and was. Yeah. And then the guy who I was like, oh, I don't think you're as fun. I don't like you as much.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want to work with you. Yeah. But yeah, it was, I know. Grant Taylor was the guy I liked. He was a producer on it that I used to like to work with. I forget their names. Yeah.

I forget. It was fun though. He was a Boston comic when I started out. So I know I know him from way back when. That's perfect. He was his group of guys when I started out. So I know I know him from way back when. That's perfect. It was this group of guys when I was starting in Boston that worked, David Cross had this group called Cross Comedy that they used to do sketches at catcherizing star

on Monday nights. And it was like this crazy collection of people. And they were all broke. They were all living in like one shitty apartment in Cambridge. And it was like David Cross, Mark Marin, Louis CK, Jeanine Garoflo, Jonathan Garof, who's like one of the biggest showrunners in Hollywood right now. And it was like crazy, the talent.

And these guys used to put on these sketch shows that were it kind of turned into Mr. Shell. Uh-huh. A lot of the same guys that worked with David. Was it before Mr. Shell? It was before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It kind of was like it led to some of the guys that were on it were like David Waterman and Paul Kislowski. I think ended up working on Mr. Shell as well.

That was a great show. What's that, Mr. Show, you ever see that? I watched the whole thing. Yeah. When I got to LA, I had, you know, this is where I, LA, we're sorry, it was where I started comedy. So, and I went in the groundlings, and I'm doing classes.

Oh, really? Yeah, that one. And I got, you know, I discovered or I'd seen some, but I was like, I wanna study the show. And I just went and I rented everything single season episode. And it was, I was like obsessed with it. It was so funny, man.

And the way they would tie things together, I was like, how the fuck did they do this? I know, it was like a little puzzle. You try to look at why did this transition into that? It was like Monty Python in that way. You know, it was like non-secret or but then there was things that kind of streamed it together. And they were so smart and still like so edgy and fun, like the mix of it. It was like the blend that they had was, yeah, I just so admired that show. Yeah. So good. And they had, yeah, Sarah Silverman did a bond. Yeah, they had great cast by regulars.

Maryland Rice Cobb. Yes. And then there was this one guy who turned it to one of the January six insurrectionists. Really? Yeah, Jay Johnson. Hit the big dude. Yeah.

Yeah. See, he wasn't insurrectionist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, like he thought nobody was insurrection. Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, like he thought nobody was gonna recognize him. He's like a TV star and he's storming the Capitol Wow that dude. Yeah, he kind of looks like he's ready for it. Yeah That's him with their Jesus Christ. Yeah, I guess he probably doesn't like hang out with David anymore

I think they're views diverged a little bit. Collarious. Yeah, yeah. That's so funny the way people got snagged on that when they were be like, it's a photo of you. Like you're there. I know, you can't get away with anything anymore. I feel bad for kidnappers. Yeah.

I mean, imagine trying to kidnap today. Yeah. Like every playground imagine trying to kidnap today. Yeah. Like every playground is loaded with cameras and... It sucks, dude. Yeah. Yeah, like even you realize like to be like a, if you wanna be like a top tier serial killer, too. Yeah.

I mean, you have to like rethink the way everything, like you're gonna be followed, you're gonna be tracked, you're gonna be tracked. There's digital, you know, trails that you leave if you use a credit card. If you park somewhere. And you gotta be like ditching cars, wearing disguises.

Yeah. All because you're trying to, you know, seek your purpose. You know? They say, follow your dream and yet, how am I, I mean, how are they supposed to? Exactly. I mean, the mask was a gift. Masking became, so you could at least walk around the skies. You could go into banks and stuff. Yeah. For the mask on. Right. Right. First time they could be like, you could actually take your mask off. Right. Right. Now, I mean, the whole thing, if you really want to kill, you have to abandon patterns, which is really difficult. I mean, Israel keys, he would kill.

And he had no pattern, which was really wild. He would kill someone in Montana and then in Maine. Yeah. And then in Arkansas, and then he would kill a different man. I mean, it was really, it was really doing some of the stuff. It's like trying to guard LeBron. You just don't know what, what's he going to try? What would he do?

Yeah. Yeah. He's he gonna do? Yeah. He's gonna, we could pull up for a three, a jump, drive it to the back. You just don't know what he's gonna do. Yeah. I would say like, the amount of shows about serial killers and the amount that you can learn from them has really been a gift also, I think,

for the serial killers. You can really do some research because you're taking the greatest minds in TV. You get some brilliant people. And they are studying case histories of how to get away with the serial killer. Yeah. And they are putting it on the screen for you

like a DIY video. Do you watch the new Dahmer series? No. I heard. I heard. It's fantastic. Yeah, I heard. It is fantastic. That guy who's playing him is really phenomenal.

I didn't know who it was, but he does an amazing job. And the man, he was just so removed of emotion. I moved there the year he got pinched, like the way the year he got arrested. Where was that? Milwaukee. That was then I moved there in 91. Really?

Yeah. And then this store, I mean, I'm in the suburbs and he's downtown, but I mean, that was the, Evan Peters is the actor playing Jeffrey Dahmer in the new Netflix series. It's really good and man, fucking terrifying guy. I hear they don't use music, which makes it kind of creepier. Yeah.

Yeah. That's a good point I didn't think about that. Yeah, my friend Rob Duke sent me that he goes you got to watch it notice that this No music. I remember this story that they show in the series and it was highlighted a lot afterwards which is that one time he had gotten a guy, he would you know, he would spike their drink. They would get fucking out of it. And he'd start to torture them and then he'd eventually kill them. Yeah.

And this guy escaped. And the police brought him back and gave him back to Dahmer. You mean like he ran out of his house? He ran out of his house, but he was naked or wearing underwear. And he was, you know, out of it because he had been drugged. Yeah.

And they were like, oh, this gay shit, you know, and he was like, we don't want to deal with these gays. All right. Brings them back to the apartment. He's like, is this your boyfriend? He's like, yeah, you know, like, he's in the street naked and he's out of it. So he's like, take your gay shit and shut the door.

We don't want to deal with this, you know? Wow. Brought him back. And then, Dom or killed him. No shit. Yeah. That's like a silence of the lambs storyline. The scariest fucking thing ever that you would be brought back. Yeah. By the police. Yeah. Right. And they're like, are you gonna rest this guy? No, we're gonna give him back to the guy. Yeah. Yeah. And he had, yeah, he had just bodies in his apartment. He was killing people in an apartment.

Yeah. Not a house. I know. You know, and they, It really makes you realize you're not using your space wise. Like, you know, like we have a sub zero fridge and I just feel like, it's not streamlined. No.

Think about what you could put in there. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you could do like a chopping block what you could put in there. Yeah. I mean, you could do like a chopping block on top of it or something for the body parts and then get it right into the free. But I just, again, the serial killers are some of the greatest minds.

Really, really imaginative guys. Yeah. It makes you wonder if they didn't go into that. Like the really prolific ones didn't go into killing. Could they have used that mind for anything else that wasn't killing? What could that be? I don't know, it's like they're so good at like,

you know, figuring out how to get away with something. It's like you gotta be good at something else too. Well, that was cool about that movie with Christian Bale. What was it called? American Psycho, was it? Oh yeah, that one? Yeah, because he was that mindset, but he was a super successful businessman.

So you saw what he could do. It's such a good movie. Yeah, I only saw it recently for the first time. Really? It's really big with the new generation. My kids are really in tune. Oh yeah, this is, I mean, I think I've seen this movie like 30, 40 times.

Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, we were obsessed with it. I think it was, must have come out when I was in high school. And it was like a routine kind of like, you wanna watch America, like over, yeah, reservations at Dorcia, all that, 2000 you want to watch America like over. Yeah. Yeah.

Reservations at Dorcia, all that 2000, sorry, that was in college. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's phenomenal. Yeah. He starts off just like his routine and looking at himself. He's such a narcissist.

Yeah. You know, all of it, dude, that, I mean, I, what is it, the Huey Lewis and the news like that, when he breaks that down, the cards, his jealousy over the guy having a better business card, all those little details. With the extreme close up on the card and he's fingering it. Yeah. No, it was a very well written movie.

It was like a real, it was a real study. Yeah, it is hilarious too. It's so funny. But he fucking, yeah, he was a real study. Yeah. It's, and he's, it is hilarious too. It's so funny. Right. But he fucking, yeah, he's awesome in it. I was with Scarface. When I was in high school, we watched Scarface. I think every Friday night for like two years.

Yeah. Isn't that funny? Do you think that movie actually aged? Oh, it doesn't hold up. It does. It does. It's real cheesy, right? Like corny. Well, because it's so fucking long. Yeah.

It's like three and a half hours long. And the soundtrack is kind of like that theme song's kind of cool. Yeah. Doesn't have like that timeless feel to it. No, or what about this, the comedy, the stand-up comedy in the nightclub before the shooting? Oh, I don't know. It's Richard Belzer. Is it? Yeah. And it's Richard Belzer, I'm gonna say it's doing like really bad crowd work.

He's ridiculous in it though. I mean, yeah. Puccinos, fucking amazing. And Michelle Fifters amazing in it also. Yeah. Yeah, he's just working the crowd. Yeah. The bells.

The bells, Jesus. Look at him now. Damn. Come on, man. What a career he's had, man. He went from standup, here's the thing. Like, you want that kind of role on a TV show where you're not carrying it.

You're just showing up. You're just like a relief pitcher. You come in, you get, hit some fun if you're like in your 60s or so. Yeah, what do I do here? Yeah. All right, do I do here? Yeah. All right, just come in here and tell the guys under arrest.

All right. We got you. And he's gone from series to series. How old is he? He's got to be 70 now. He's got to be, oh, 78. 78? Yeah, dude.

He was the guy in New York City like, you know, because I grew up going to the comedy clubs when I was a teenager. I'd go to catch a rising star in the improv. And like, he was the house MC at, I think it was catch a rising star. And he was considered like the best comic in the city. And this is when Seinfeld was running around. Really?

Paul Reiser, like, there's all these Ikella comedians. But the bells was the best, because that style of comedy back then was crowd work. And he was just, he had this New York cool about him. And he did stuff about race. And he was a great comic. Wow. Damn, yeah, he's like 80, 80's,

that's amazing. That's amazing. Yeah, he's still on TV, right? Yeah, he's on a new series now. Another law and order. Yeah. Wow. Yep.

That is the cushions way to finish working on a TV series like that. Yep. Show up, fucking six on the call sheet. You're like, no problem. My buddy just got one of those. My friend Matt Maloy, he's on that new show. He's probably seen the billboards for Alaska Daily

with Hillary Swank. And it's a big ABC show. It's a one hour drama. My buddy just landed like a, yeah, like six on the call. She kind of gig. He's up in Vancouver. I think it's crazy is that these shows come out now and you're like, who watches these shows?

Yeah, I know. It was like the streamer stuff is so high level. Yeah. And everybody can either get it or it can get access to a password. And there's no commercials. There's no commercials. And the quality of the production and the writing

and the time you're like, fuck an A, you see these shows come out? Year after year, I'm like, who the hell is watching this? I just saw somebody with a multi cam, and you're like, a stage sitcom. It just feels like, really feels like a jumping back in time.

Yeah. Right. When you have the options to watch things like we do now, yeah, just seems crazy. I know it's, but I still think there's room for a multi camera to come back. I just think it has to be done right now. Yeah, it does.

I mean, I'll tell you, like, in my experience with like, Netflix, they were like, it's all about... Oh, yeah, you had to deal a few years ago, right? Well, I had one where they offered the show, and they were like, here's the offer. Like, make it, make the show. Here's the, you know, good money. No shit. Yeah, like this was a, it was last year.

And I was like, now I don't wanna do it. I turned it down. But I didn't turn down just because it's a multi-cammy. There's other reasons. But the whole thing with them is that I didn't realize they told me that the the you know what the most like watch shit on Netflix has been Friends when it was there the office. It's like sitcoms that people have all head of aired right that are just

Super popular and so that's why they're like we want this is obviously something people will get into right if it's the right one Yeah, so they're willing to make them, you know like we want, this is obviously something people will get into if it's the right one. Yeah. So they're willing to make them, you know? So they're willing to make them on the network with the hope that they get a second life on a streamer, right? And the streamer is saying like if we make it here and it's a hit, we're golden. Yeah. You know, because we'll just keep making that.

We want a 6, 7 series run of a multi-cam that people love. Yeah. You know, because they have that problem with, they have these huge, you know, production, big set piece, single cam shows. And then what will happen is, if it's not a monster hit, you know, they always get in, they're in the trades and everything for canceling. Yeah. But they're like, yeah, I mean, this shit costs fucking 8 million in episode.

Yeah. It's not a hit. Why are we gonna keep making it? But I was waiting for like the oranges, the new black house of cards, you know, mine hundred, the one, the show that everyone is talking about and watching. Those are hard to, you don't get those every year. Now, you know, like the, what's it called?

A Game of Thrones is like, that's a special thing that happens. So they're always trying to make that happen, but it fucking costs a fortune. Stranger things, holy shit. Yeah, it's been a 30 million in episode on that. I know. Well, the new, the new,

Hobbit movie, Hobbit, what do you call it? Lord of the Rings. Yeah, yeah. That's apparently the most expensive show ever made. Really? Yeah, I can't remember what the numbers are, but it's crazy what they're spending. And Peter Jackson, obviously doing it or no.

I don't know, I didn't see it. I heard it's good. Oh my God. 715 million for eight episodes. So that's almost a hundred million in episode. Whoa. That is way more than anything I've ever. Like that is so much more. It's the most expensive show I've ever made.

Buck, imagine the catering. Yeah, well that's a thing. I mean, I've written on shows for 20 years and when you're writing on a good network show, it, there is no better life. Yeah, I mean, it's long hours, but it's like, you show up to set and somebody coming around with freshly baked muffins. Look at this. House of Dragon is 20 million and I

do. That show is dull. Have you watched it? No. It is so dull. I stopped Game of Thrones season three. Did you really? Yeah. Damn. I just, I don't know. I lost interest. Wow. I mean, I feel like if you're not in like, oh my God hooked and there's so, we have so many options. Yeah. And our lives are busy.

It's like, I can, you can fall out. I can fall out really easy. I know my wife gets mad at me because I fall, I fell out of a series, the old man with Jeff Bridges. I watched seven out of the eight episodes and then I said I'm done and she was fucking yelling at me. You watched seven out of eight. I was like it's just it went off the rails. Did you lost it? I'll watch. There is a series called Big Fat Black Tits and I have seen every single episode. It's been on all. You see the first 12 minutes

of every episode. I'll give you a password. It's really good. How did they end? Have you seen the endings? I've never seen an ending. I always tap out. But it's right in your wheelhouse. Yeah, you'll like it. I wish they could make it in 3D. I'd wear the goggles.

That's something you want your wife to walk in on. What are you doing? You got to put the goggles on. You will get it if you want. I try with the Oculus. You're saying, you know, that's supposed to be incredible. Yeah. I haven't done that yet.

Yeah, man. Sighting stuff. Yeah. Technology, man. So exciting. I'm so far behind at all. Is that Lord of the Rings thing out or that's coming out? I think it's out.

It's out. Yeah. $715's out. Yeah. $715 million budget. Yeah. I mean, it makes you have to like it that much more because you're resenting how much they spend. It's out. Yeah.

Man. Like when I know a show is that expensive, I've got a chip on my shoulder when I watch it. Yeah, sure. I mean Jeff Bezos had to sell a brick for that one, right? Yeah, right. That's fucking, that is incredible. Yeah. Now I'm gonna go watch that just to see.

Yeah. And I better be blown the fuck away. I would say it was. How is that the budget? Well, I think they saved money on how to be a grown-up. They took the, but I mean, what are they doing in this show? Where it's that? I mean, it's like, how? Just extras. Dude, when I, I've written on a couple HBO shows, HBO spends money.

Yeah. Like, we did, when we did crashing, we had a, we had a scene where John Mulaney was playing. We needed John Mulaney to do stand up. And so they rented Town Hall, which is 1500 seats, filled it with extras for like a 30 second shot of John Mulaney doing stand up. Yeah. And then I did, and then I heard about, there was a great series called Boardwalk Empire that had Steve Bishami in it and they were shooting and I did my one hour, you ever do the Tari-Town musical? Yes.

Tari-Town musicals where I did my one hour special and they had, they redressed it for Boardwalk Empire because they were shooting again, like a 42nd clip of the theater. They re-apholstered everything in in like what would have been vintage material, the curtains, the lighting. They had to buy specific lights and replace all the lights. The, it was crazy.

You got to respect that. Yeah. That's incredible. Dude, that was a good series. Bordeaux-Gampire. What's up with that dude's face? He was in World War I and he got blown apart. Jesus.

Yeah, and he was a sniper. He's a killer. Is that makeup though or is this face really like that? In real life? Yeah. No, I think it's makeup. Okay, good. Do you think of that's how they're doing the casting now? It's, it nowadays.

Your face all fucked up. I wouldn't be surprised because you have to be gay to play a gay character. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I mean, even fucking the Asians get mad when a white guy plays them there. Right, right. Yeah, that's a good one. And when they get mad, they get mad. Asians get mad when a white guy plays them there. They're under control, man.

Yeah, that's a good thing. And when they get mad, they get mad. They get mad. Yeah. Yeah. They like to chat online. Oh, yeah. Yeah. They have all the computer skills.

They know what they're doing. Remember when they used to be quiet? Yeah. Yeah. How we like them? Yep. Things have changed technology. Technology.

Goddammit. Yeah. I remember when it was just, you know, nice being white, you know. Oh, it was so good. We had it so good for so long. It really was up until 15. Is that when the shifts started, right?

2015. Like, or maybe no, the shifts started at O5. Now it's 17. Oh, really, you think so? I mean, in terms of in terms of Not working. Yeah, like I Think it's really on the last like four years. Yeah, we're really like you're seeing diversity

Which you look yeah It was time. I was in a lot of all white male writing rooms over a lot of years. It's time for some diversity, but it's also time. But not on camera. Right. Like I just wanna see, I like a diverse writing room, but I still wanna see who I wanna see. You know what I mean?

Other than the fat black Ted. Yeah. I mean, everything should be white except for the two fat black Ted. Yeah, I mean, everything should be white except for the two fat black Ted. That's all I'm saying. Is that a lot? Is that not inclusive? I don't know, man, I mean,

I can't even swear my opinions anymore. Right, right. Yeah, so tough. So it's tough out here. It's hard. Yeah, but writers' rooms have changed for sure, right? Like those of you. Yeah, it's tough out here. It's hard Yeah, the writers room has have changed for sure right like those. Oh, yeah, and that is better It's better. I know I'm on a big mouth. They had a character on the show who was One parent was black and one parent was Jewish and the woman that was doing the character was Jewish

But she wasn't black. And she stepped down and apologized for social, what do you call it? A appropriating or like, I don't know. Right? Appropriate appropriation. Appropriation. Yeah, she stepped down and they brought in,

I think yeah, yeah. And they brought in a black actress. You said the thing I have, is a white woman is an act of a racer of black people. Hoof. Yeah. But she's Jewish. She is Jewish and the character is half Jewish.

Yeah. Well, Kudos to her. I wouldn't have stepped down. Fuck no. Been like, I'll take this fucking check. Yeah. Come take it from me, you half to have voice work go to a wide net.

But what if like, whoever is not, you know, what if an Asian woman does this black voice really well and kills it? Right. But it's well and kills it. You're like, yeah, but it's a voice. Like, she shouldn't be able to do that. I don't know. I just feel like voice work is, it's a skill set.

I mean, there's people who are just, they can do amazing things with their voices. Right, right, right. And I don't know. I just always feel like whoever it has the funniest best voice for that, She's a part. Yeah. Well, there was that girl, Angela Johnson, you know, that comic angel Johnson. Yeah. Like she does a Korean woman's voice and she, she got huge from it. I remember that. The nail salon. Yeah. Yeah. And the knees. I'll be it amazing. Yeah.

But what's her ethnicity? She's Mexican. So I think she got a pass because she is a minority so she could do another minority. In the last few years, she did get, she did get a lot of push back from that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then there's, I mean, there's, I don't know, there's like Gabriel, you know, Fluffy. Yeah.

He can do crazy voices. He gets cast as all kinds of shit. Oh, really? He hit a woman. Yeah, he gets, I know shit. I mean, he's... Oh, no shit. I mean, he's just got this incredible ability to do things with his voice. And it was, you know, I don't, I mean, he's a Mexican dude and...

Yeah. He can... I don't think he only plays Mexican parts. Right. I mean, Bart Simpson is famously voiced by a woman. A woman? White woman. I guess that's not really an issue,

but then Hank Azaria used to voice Apu and like 12 other voices there, but he stopped doing Apu. He did. Yeah. Yeah. There was a big pushback on, like there was a big movement, I guess,

to get him to stop doing it. I don't know. Maybe in drama, but in comedy? I feel like in cartoons, especially, it seems, you know, I don't know. Maybe in drama, but in comedy? I feel like in cartoons, especially, it seems, I don't know. Voice over work is good, fucking work. That's another one, yeah. That guy, Billy West, Billy West,

he was a Harvard Stern guy forever. And then he got into doing cartoon voices. And now he's like the guy. He's seen it everything. I've wanted to do it. I've auditioned for a number of things. And now he's like the guy. He's even everything. Like, what's the way? I've wanted to do it. I've auditioned for a number of things. I've never gotten voice work.

He got a good voice. Never happened. Really? Yeah, that's the guy. Billy West, yeah. All right, is it in there? Yeah, it is. But sometimes when you see the guys like him

and they do an interview immediately, you're like, holy shit, like they're natural speaking voice. Yeah. It registers right away. Right, right, right. This is not a normal voice. Yeah.

There's that guy. Who's the one who does, have you seen, he's a white dude, who does Morgan Freeman? He's a comedian. I don't forget his name. God damn it. What is his name? He's a tough one. He's a tough one. That's a low range voice to get to.

Bro, you know, he's done it four Morgan Freeman on camera. No shit. Morgan Freeman is like holy shit. Like it is remarkable. I think I heard he's retiring. More than this. Robert Thompson. Yes, that's him. Yeah, he is unreal. Really? Here. Do you want to listen to a real one? Yeah, yeah. Put those headphones on.

I mean, he is like, it makes no sense that he can do this. For Confrimon is probably the greatest voice of all time, but what a lot of people don't know is that I do the voice of Morgan Freeman for Morgan Freeman. You know, it's kind of a Wizard of Oz situation, you know, pay no attention to the skinny white boy behind the curtain, you know. So now when you're here in Morgan Freeman, and it may help for you to close your eyes at this point, because it's going to be a little disconcerting to hear that sound coming out of the pipe. When you hear Morgan Freeman, what you really hear is me.

And it's a fun voice to do because I like to go around and, oh, I narrate people's lives. You know, that's a fun game that I like to play. I might narrate things like, well, Jimmy got up in the morning and brushed his teeth and took a shit nose type thing. But in your case, I might say something like, two little bears, Bert and Tom went inside the cave. Two bears in one cave.

They stayed inside that cave for over six months. I'm old folks and cowards. That's crazy. Yeah. But it's wrong. It's super wrong. That's count. Crazy. Yeah. But it's wrong. It's super wrong and I gotta tell you, I'm disappointed in Josh for doing that. Yeah.

It is, you do have to close your eyes. You do. To fully appreciate it. That's insane. Well, you know, my dad did voiceovers for 11. He was a radio guy. I remember he was a radio guy. And then he did, but I mean,

he did straight voiceovers, butovers for 11. He was a radio guy. I remember he was a radio guy. And then he did, but I mean, he did straight voiceovers, but like for commercials. And he went in and he was the voice of showtime for like a decade. Really? He was coming up next on showtime. And he would go in for like three or four hours on a Thursday and he would record them for the whole week. And I mean, that shit got all of us through college.

It was like huge money. Huge money, yeah. And then he would do like, Charmin, National Enquirer, Uncle Ben's Rice. Like he had, Back when voiceover is like, you used to get a campaign for like 10 years. That's amazing.

And nowadays you do one. You share the, you know, sometimes recognizable voices, actors on commercials sometimes and you're like, oh my God, they backed up a truck, but it'll be like built for tough. And you're like, you know, it's a key or something. Yeah, yeah.

Just that's it, like. I know. It kind of sucks. I really think if you're a big celebrity and you're making $5 million a movie, don't take money out of the mouth of the guy that's a voice. I mean, I say that because that's what my father did make. But it does seem like celebrities are getting fucking greedy.

Yeah, of course. They've all got to have a podcast, a TV commercial. The guys that got into podcasting that were already super huge, and then their name got them this incredible offer to podcasts, you know what I'm saying? They're podcasts and they're like, these are just like marginal podcasters,

but they have huge draw power, yeah. And then it feeds on itself. Of course. Because people on our society are so drawn to celebrity. It just fascinates people. I had so many people point out a few of these podcasts that are celebrity-hosted, and I'm like, there's that podcast is dog shit.

And they're like, really? I'm like, let me point you at a few other ones. About like where like there's really good hosts, and like, but they just don't care, because they're like, yeah, but it's this guy. Yeah. I'm like, yeah, he sucks at this. I know, it's not what he does.

Yeah, Sam Tripoli does this. Yes, yeah. Yeah, man, like they're like, yeah, but it's this guy. Yeah. I'm like, yeah, he sucks at this. I know, it's not what he does. Yeah, same triple he does this. Yes, yeah. Yeah, man, like they're like, and then like the press, because you realize longer you do this, however things intertwine and it'll be like, you know, so and so is putting a new stamp on podcasting or redefining the medium.

You're like, what? Right, right. This is just some guy who called up his, you know, other actor friend and they just sit there and, I mean, it's not like we're doing anything different, but the idea that because it's a celebrity doing it, that like now it's better. Yeah.

It's like, it's not better. Well, it's become something that was done in somebody's guest house and to the microphone or recorder into, I just did a celebrity's podcast and it was like I couldn't even get in the building with security Yeah, like I had to fill out all these forms and then I got upstairs and there was three different producers And it was like there was a creative executive and there was a writer and I was just like dude and then and then it was just Most actors so they're just awful. They just suck.

They suck to hang out with, they suck to talk to, they suck to spend time with. They're just shitty at converses. They're just false positive. Yeah, they really are. They're fucking AIDS, dude. They're just, they're just the worst. They're the worst.

They're the worst. And then you realize how fucking vacant they are when you hang out with comics because comics have like thoughts that they, you know, in opinions and you hang out with these dipshit who just fucking look at you and you're like, yeah, if someone doesn't write it down for you, you don't have a fucking thing. Go stand in traffic. They're so safe. Everything they say is safe. And they make a joke and they're like, oh, yeah. Oh my god, I might not get work again. Yeah.

Yeah. What's your choice, fuckface? I know. You shouldn't have gotten into this. You act. What is acting anyway? I go play pretend you can't. Yeah.

Yeah. What a skill set. Yeah, what are you seven? Yeah. You're gonna pretend my kids are actors too. I get embarrassed sometimes when I see adults acting and they get like There was a birthing scene in a show. I just saw I was like that poor woman look at her pretending she's having a baby She looks ridiculous ridiculous the only things only ones you want to watch really act are like the Christian bales like the people who are

So goddamn talented. Yeah, and so committed where you're like, all right, this person goes all in. Anybody below that tier, you're like, this is fucking embarrassing. Yeah, it's like, what's the guy who did Lincoln, who's the guy who played Lincoln? Oh, right, Daniel Day Lewis. Daniel Day Lewis, I'll see that guy do anything. Anything.

Yeah, he's out of his fucking mind. He left acting to become a fucking like shoe copper. Yeah, he's like, his fucking mind. He left acting to become a fucking like shoe copper. Yeah, he is. And he's like, I'm gonna make shoes. I know. Okay, I know. He really commits. He fucking, he stays in character during a filming.

Right. So like during Lincoln, he stays in that walking, like walking out of his trailer with air conditioning. Yeah. You know, they're of his trailer with air conditioning. Yeah. You know, they're like, President Lincoln, you need an upset, and you go, okay, it doesn't break at all. That was a good Lincoln, you said, okay, yeah.

Well, I'm an actor, I'm a very talented actor. All right, we're gonna wrap it up. Are you coming out in the road this October anywhere? Are you gonna be doing dates? Yeah, I get dates coming up. I'll be in New Orleans and Lafayette, Louisiana. And then Chicago, October 15th at the Den Theater. My son will be there.

He goes to college in Chicago. You got that'll be fun. You got grown up kids now. Yeah, San Francisco punchline, Fort Worth, Texas. All over the place. You're giggin. Fitsdog.com for tickets. Fitsdog.com for tickets.

Also, you do podcasts that are... Fitsdog radio comes out on Tuesdays. I interview guests like yourself. You've been on many times. I do the Sunday papers with my gibbons and then childish with Allison Rose and those are my three podcast. Yeah, man You got a hustle got a hustle go get tickets go see Greg's truly one of the best comics working today and thanks for coming

Thanks for hanging out. Thanks man. All right being here. We'll see you next time One goes top to swap the other wears a shirt Tom tells stories and birds the machine There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep the clean Here's what we call, two bears one cave No scripts, a bed of booze, amateur, photography Dirty jokes, ronchi humor, no apologies Here's what we call to bears one cave.