2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 157 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: October 31, 2022

Happy Halloween! It's another week of 2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer and it's the last day of #SoberOctober! They discuss how unbelievably cool comedian Dean Delray is, the bears' fashion choices, and lies they spread about each other. Bert discusses opening for Louis CK and nearly ruining the show, they talk about a heckler who threw a beer at a comedian on stage, and Bert shares a review from a fan posted on Instagram. They debate which famous family would be cool to be born into and Tom shares a story of someone getting kicked out of his show in Charlottesville. https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://www.bertbertbert.com/bertyboytourhttps://store.ymhstudios.com/

I don't pay attention to baseball at all, peripherally, you know, it's there. So when I see his name, I'm like, Albert Poole's, I'm like, wait a minute, I feel like he has been playing baseball since I started comedy. And I looked it up and he has been playing baseball, 22 fucking years. Well, he's been in the baseball zone because I've been in comedy. That's what I'm exactly what I just said about me. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha 100% We got to take this country back man. All right Happy Halloween Tom Halloween dude. What are you going as? Bob Ross. Oh, I'm going as a guy with type 2 diabetes

Silent killer The silent killer. Yeah. Yeah. Which is the diabetes that you get. That you get what you mean? That you can catch from living life. Yeah. Type two. Yeah, that's the one. Every time I'm always shocked at like a cold.

Yeah. What is it from just bad lifestyle? Yeah, you're, you're, you can, you can eat your way into type two. Type one is genetic. That should be a game show. Just like skinny people and go, who gets Type 2? I know a few people that have eaten their way.

Well, Dindel Ray. Dindel Ray and then he got himself out of it. Or you can get out of it, right? You can, but he did it. He just got super healthy. Like, I think he even told me that one of the things that contributed to him getting it was like juicing. Juice, juice.

Mark Mark. Juice and the dove, other. So no, he would get, he was, because like people weren't really, if you go crazy with juice, you're just saying, you know, he was doing, Oh, one of the things that got him into it was juicing. He said that he was drinking, he was trying, of the things that got him into it was juicing. He said that he was drinking He was trying I think to diet or something and he was drinking like fucking

15 Freshly squeezed juice is a day and so he's having all this sugar spike that he didn't realize But he totally turned it around he looks great. He lost a big book. No, he's got a nice nice cock, but He No, he's got a nice nice cock, but He he really fun around Dean and both Dean and Josh have rock and roll written all over them Josh Adam iris looks good. Yeah, he looks really good. And he's rock. He's a total rocker, too Like I don't have rock and roll written on me Yeah, I mean look at that. He's really turned it around I mean he was just and he was just like, you know, put in fat Dean Del Rey.

I remember him when he was fat more. You do? Yeah, like I mean, I mean, I feel like he's I feel like he's kept it off for a minute like Yeah, see that in the far left. Whoa, he looks like wait. Yeah, like I'm sure he is there. He dropped all that dude and there too Yeah, we don't have a shirt Yeah, yeah, that's the Dean Del Rey. I feel like I remember the most Look at it. He knows everything about everything His what he's want him and Kevin Christie we talked about watches. Yeah, it's other level and so I'm And full handling I tell you about that also as a little handling is like I Mean the I really think there should be a watch podcast where people talk about so I'm really fascinated

I watch it too. I though those guys are reference number years what what the complications of the like from memory too. They don't like let me look at it I'm talking to you. They're telling you from memory. I'll tell you the one I like I like, from memory too. They don't like, let me look at, they're talking to you, they're telling you from memory. I tell you the one I like, I like the one that Pan Am made, the G, G, M, T, that, they made it for Pan Am, and I thought that was cool that you can spin the top and it's 24 hour clocks,

so when you're traveling, you just do that. Yeah. I think that's pretty cool. I like all school stuff like that. I love when you get into stuff. I love like, like, bull mass tips. I got into bull mass tips really aggressively. That is such a fucking bird segue.

Ha ha ha ha. Dude, bull mass tips like some badass bull mass tips. Ha ha ha ha. I could look at these all day long. Yeah, man. I could look at dogs all day long. Dude, why is it there a watch pod? Seriously, from comics you do it.

Cause I don't wanna hear a couple of fucking watch guys from Switzerland do it. I wanna hear comedians talk about it. But I would like them to bring on, bring on like, what's Christina, is that our friend in Vegas? Oh yeah, her. Like I like to have them bring on the dealers

and talk to the dealers about. And Brandon there. I would love to fucking know all of that shit. I don't know why there isn't. And by the way, it's a niche market. So like, I don't know if everyone's dying to hear watch talk, but I am. Oh, I would definitely listen to that.

I listened to, I listened to, he also knows, Dean also knows a ton about porches. And shoes and jackets. Yeah, he got me a pair, at one time he was wearing these glasses, just like, you know, not like reading glasses whatever he, and I was like, those are rad. And he was like, oh, these are discontinued, man.

They, he had, and he's like, he goes, but I can hook you up. He knew a guy who knew a guy who could get those glasses. I don't know if I don't, like, I just bought this shirt. This is like an old school shirt, like just a polo t shirt. Okay. And I bought it because it was a throwback to when I was a kid and I was like, oh, those were cool. Yeah. But now I'm wearing a double XL. Hahaha. And I'm not swimming in it. It looks nice on you.

I feel great. I looked great today. Like I got up and I slept so fucking hard. Yeah. I listened to history podcasts all night, like just through the night. And then my dreams are history podcasts. So I'm shooting Siberian ponies in Antarctica to like keep myself warm, and

then I wake up and they're like, James Rol Jones. I'm really bad at retention. Like, I know I listen to them, and I listen to them a lot, but I cannot tell you shit. I was thinking about you last night, because I was cleaning out my closet. I have all this clothes that doesn't fit me because it's too big. And that's not what I was thinking about you. Wait, wait, hold on, I want a $10,000 jacket.

I want one of your leather jackets. Would they fit me now that I'm fat and you're skinny? Were you, when you bought fancy clothes where you as fat as I am right now? 240. I don't know. That's a fun way to say I love you. I love you. I love you.

Because I was thinking about you because I was pulling on all this clothes. It's like nice clothes and I'm like, I'm just donating it. And I go, what homestials are walking around with Dolce and Gabana? Dolce and Gabana, Jack. Yes. No, I don't. Dolce and Gabana, Jack. Yes. No, I don't. You wear Gucci shirts on the reg. No, I have like three.

I almost bought a Gucci track suit. Yeah. Pull up summer Gucci track suits. They're like, it's like almost like when we were in Italy. Yeah. Almost bought them for the family. And you know it's crazy. What you have. I have that. Yeah. I'm most part of the family And you know, it's crazy what you have That's one. That's one which one the Gucci summer suit. Oh that one. Yeah, no, no, no

Yeah, to the right to the right that one. I almost bought that dude. We're in Italy. You should fucking for sure rock that Well, here's the thing this is gonna sound cheap, but you can go on eBay, not eBay, but Amazon, and get them for like $7. The imitation ones? Yeah, I'm not gonna really wear them. Just don't fucking do that. I already bought three.

Because I was like, I was like, they're just, you're just gonna wear them to one party. You can't wear them all the time. And so I love like, I was like, they're just, you're just gonna wear them to one party, you can't wear them all the time. And so I love them, dude. I bought a bunch. But the reason I thought about you, cleaning up my closet, is that you were like, I don't dress nice.

I wanna dress like a grown up. I've been thinking of that, Lee, I've been trying to reclaim my power. Yeah, but, but something you wanna hear a reclaim my power. Yeah, but... But... That's something you wanna hear a white guy say. But... You know man, I've been taking away my power

for all these years. And I'm sick, I could feel that power shift every day a little more. Guess what mother fuckers? White people are back. Ha ha ha ha. But then I see this today and I'm like, oh, you are, you are buying nicer clothes. No, no. I bought this at the, I like, I like, here's what I'll spend money on.

Nice, like, track suits. Like I like, shout out to Beltz's Art Getty. He hit me up because we were talking about fashion. Beltz's art was like a cool dude. He's always been a cool dude movie Star Citizen's he was a child Comes from a fan of a family of like literally art forward thinkers and He DM me and he was like just out of the blue is like just you know nice tracksuits

Like because we were talking about I don't have a sense of fashion He's like just you know nice tracksuits. So now that's what I'll spend my money on is like a nice tracksuit, like a good, like, uh, like I went to Polo and got a couple good nice looking like little tracksuits. And then it's something a little fancier. I feel fancy when I walk on a plane. I, I go crazy with clothes. It is really a crazy indulgence. Yeah, that's, it is interesting. Will you always like that? Mm-hmm. Yeah. I was always...

I think I was really well dressed, always. Middle school, high school, college, getting out of it. And I really think it really just went downhill after I started doing comedy. Because first of all, I was poor. Yeah. So I wasn't buying anything. And then I also leaned first of all, I was poor, so I wouldn't buy anything. And then I also leaned into the fact that I was like,

oh, I should be sloppy. Like, I actually, I believed that. I thought, I thought, I remember I had a shirt with a hole in it. And this is like, this is how you're thinking can affect you. I had a spot, this is early on. Like, I'm open, micro, level, bringer shows. And I have another shirt on, I'm about to leave

to go do my spot and I was like, oh, I should put on my shirt with a hole in it. You know what I mean? So I take off the decent t-shirt I put out, I purposely put a shirt with a hole in it. And then I just kind of lean, I was like, oh, you know, you're dirty, comic, you tell these, like you should be sloppy.

And I kind of like just leaned into that. But I actually liked, I liked dressing well. I just stopped kind of for a while. I also couldn't afford it. I had to go to, and I had to go, but I went to Danes premiere for his, for his special above it all and I say I say I say I say how to because I was really nervous about how to dress I actually ask Dane I go how do I dress? I worry about like how do you work?

How do you dress to someone? He was like be yourself and I was like okay, and that was not the mandate Everyone was like looks really nice like it's a premiere. You were I saw your video Lee Ann looked really nice Yeah, they are oh Yeah, they look fucking great You can fight I wore jeans and a t-shirt and but I but I had flip-flops on and the end's like what are you doing? So put on nice shoes. So I like two pairs of nice shoes So I put on a pair of nice shoes. You know, I don't have a suit. You should have a suit. I don't have a suit You can't get a suit made for me, but I don't but she got She You should have a suit. I don't have a suit. And she has a suit. Getting a suit made for me.

But she's getting on made for you. Yeah. I don't know. I don't even think about suits. Where is she getting it made? I have no idea. One day suit, Parker. One day suit, Parker.

She got all my measurements taken to make me a suit. She goes, you need a suit. I was like, I don't really need a suit. I want to be so, I want to be, this is going to sound fucked up. But I want to get to a level where I can do what the fuck I want. Where no one gets to tell me,

like, you've got to wear a suit. Like, you go to the Oscars. You're, you can do that now. I know, but like, I still, I need to be there on my head because like, I want you to this premiere and you can tell that now. I know, but I still, I need to be there on my head because I want you to this premiere and you can tell that I, you know when you're fat you tug a shirt a lot.

Well, I clearly had worn this shirt the night before because I tugged at a bunch and there was like a Joey pouch on the stomach of this shirt. Type in, Bert Leann, I'll stand a team in the dog. You could tell that I'd talk this shirt a lot. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm it's so funny. Sometimes I hear people,

your old wallet, my old wallet, my bag of bones, my old fucking, my old lady, my old lady. I got so much material crashing her in my new special

that, but I love her. I understand people that go, like people listen to this and then they'll DM me, like, go man, I don't like the way you talk about the game. People have told me that. I understand people that go like people listen to this and then they'll DM it like yo man I don't like the way you talk about the end People have told me that yeah, and I go

Are you not love like that's how people that are in love your best friends? How did how did Tom and I talk about each other like when I talk about talk when ever someone goes and you're good friends with Tom So go around I go oh, I say the worst things about yeah, that's true. That is true Do you know when I've been spreading silently? What? Do you know this? I don't know. I have two.

Yeah. I have two. One is you started as a ventriloquist. And you're really good. And that you're so good that you're better than Jeff Donham and you had to put the dummy away That's my favorite one the one I do and this one's This one's on the D out I only do it. I don't do it on press I do it to other people in the business is they go household time I go five-tembie words lips

They do this is I go yeah, I go it really fucked with this heavy disobrocto rowing year and this is exactly? I go 510B where's Lifts? I think he does. I go, yeah, I go, it really fucked with this heavy disobroctober one year and this is exactly what I say. And he's 510 and he wants to be taller. So then all of a sudden one day he shows up taller and we're like, really? And then everyone says, he wears Air Force 1s all the time. I go, yeah, he puts Lifts in and they go, you can do that. I go, fuck yeah. Tom Cruise does it.

Tom Suggura, Tom Hardy, all the Toms. I tell everyone you wear lips. Fucker. Like everyone. And they're like, we're serious. I go the next time you see him, just recognize Halftall. So when you next time you're in LA and you see someone like Man, brawner

They'll be like oh He is taller Oh, I'm always taller than people think I'm gonna be always people say that to me to like I thought you were like 5758 I'm like what why they're like, I don't know. I get people saying they're like, by the way, those are not so bad. I say way meaner shit about it. But that's what when you love someone, you say, like, I don't understand. I don't trust. I'll tell you who I don't trust is like, I know comics that hate other comics sold to people that you're in a coma. Like I've sold that. Do you know we had people, we had,

we had a real problem with people showing up to the show because everyone thought I was getting kidney replacement? Like legit, they were like, hey people are calling like a grass-to-be calling, wondering if you actually got kidney replacement. When I walked on stage, the applause was ladder, like I got out of kidney replacement. People always say to me, you should do big scars on your back.

People always say, you're not that fat. And I go, yeah. I was like, no, the way everyone talks about you, I thought you'd be huge. And it's always people way fatter than me. Going like, oh, fuck. You know who always actually complements my height? It's super tall people.

Like someone will be like 64 or six and they'll be like oh You know like a tiny little guy and I'm like Yeah, I know I tell and then I but I think that you that's what you're supposed to do with people you love is Boss boss. I don't ever trust someone who's like because I remember a guy., I always say his name, I remember a guy who would talk about his wife, like the fucking, she was the greatest thing that ever was. I know you're talking about it. I know you're talking about it.

I think they're, and then cheat on her non-fucking stock. But the difference is though, that I don't really know anybody who talks quite about their wife like you. I know. But it's like, I was, I have a bit about it. My new special about, it's kind of relationship we have. Like we love each other. No, I know.

But like I, but we joke about like, I don't know. I think it's also the way my parents love and my sister's love. Like, you know, my dad was going through that surgery stuff. Yeah. No one could talk on the phone independently. Love and my sisters love like what you know my dad was going through that surgery stuff. Yeah No one could talk on the phone you guys Endantly bus we had to talk as a group and when we talked as a group we were just I mean We got really dark like very dark very quick and but we were laughing hardy shit because the second it goes dark Like I remember when I went in for surgery for my elbow my whole family came over and I wasn't drinking So I was going to surgery the next day and think I guess the

We're sitting around the fire pit and I'm talking to the guy doing my pre-op and he is like He's like yeah, he should be the best anesthesiologist ever. I've discovered everything and he goes What kind of music do you only go under too? And I was and everyone my family's watching me be so fucking scared and I go, what kind of music do you want to go under too? And everyone in my family is watching me be so fucking scared. And I go, huh? And he goes, what kind of music? And I said, greens clear or revival. And he goes, okay.

He goes, what are you doing tonight? And I said, I'm actually sitting here with my family. I'm about to go to bed and he goes, you got to have a glass of wine? And I said, no. And he said, why? And I said, well, I'm just afraid. I'm going to die and he goes, hey, buddy,

I put crackheads to bed. Like, you're going to be fine. And he goes, hey, if you are going to die tomorrow, you might as well have a glass of wine and he goes hey buddy. I put crackheads to bed like you're gonna be fine And he goes and hey if you're gonna if you are gonna die tomorrow You might as well have a glass of wine enjoy your family tonight and my whole family starts laughing And then they start making fun of me of course like that's the way that That's the way we love is to try okay by the way hold on side bar side bar side bar I know I got a lot of shit. I don't know that I got a lot of shit for this Hold on just don't let me forget the thing. I'm on but so last night I'm watching last night We're talking I'm watching golf a collegian golf all the enough Florida states winning shout out to the sky Frederick

Catch up. I think it's his name Frederick ketchup. They don't have a say his last name But he's he's playing for Florida State. Okay, So we're watching this guy try to put fried your ketchup and Florida state he'll come up I don't guess not so Florida State golf. Yeah, I've been golf I had golf there to see how close this is There you go. Hi, you spy. Oh catch up. That's there. It is okay He's gotta be it's yeah, K Ketrup maybe I don't know catch up. Okay catch up looks like catch up

So sorry for I do it come to be part of that oh Then you haven't gotten your whole life they said your name right and then you came here welcome to America catch up so he he I'm picking on a fucking college kid. I'm joking, Frederick. He's a freshman too. He's a freshman? I mean, it says freshman. Oh, he's a fucking kid. Anyway, he's really good golfer. He's a really good golfer.

I was watching him golf, right? Yeah. And by the way, I'm not gonna harp on this. So I'm watching it with Peter and with Lacey and we're working out, we're on the treadmill. I said, yeah, I said the dumbest thing on two bears. I said, do you really think Tiger Woods is one of the greatest athletes out there?

And Peter goes, absolutely not. And I went, what? And he goes, you're telling me, if they had given Albert Poohol's a fucking golf club at the age of two, he wouldn't be driving every fucking green. And I was like, yeah. And I was like, think about like Mark McGuire, all these guys that got into baseball, they like, yeah. And I was like, think about like Mark McWire,

all these guys that got into baseball that have amazing, like the, and Peter was saying to me, he goes, this is it, because Peter couldn't play it. He said, it was just too much money. He goes, this is a sport where the threshold is, your dad's gonna make $100,000 a year so you can start playing.

Right, right. Your dad's gonna make it. Like, he says kids that don't have that money that are natural athletes that couldn't have played it. And I was like, ah, that's what I meant to say on two bears. All right, back to the relationship talking. Holy shit, okay. Yeah.

Alvar Pooholes should have played fucking golf. Well, you're right in that, you know, who's the machine guy? Is that Alvar Pooholes? The machine guy. His name's the machine also. I was getting tagged with him Albert Pooholes? The machine guy? His name's the machine also. I was tagged with him. Pooholes is?

Yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah. And if I ever see him, I'm a slapping in the fucking face. It is crazy. He's been in the league. So I was like, there's no way he's... I saw, I don't pay attention to baseball at all. Preferably, you know, it's there.

And then he was... Headlines the other day because he hit like a 700th home runner. So, and so what I see his name, I'm like, Albert Poole's, I'm like, wait a minute, I feel like he has been playing, he's been playing baseball since I started comedy and I looked it up and he has been playing baseball since I started. He has, yeah, he's been in, the majorly baseball for 22 fucking years. Well, he's been in the baseball zone because I've been in comedy. That's what I'm exactly what I had been illery. You're tensing to work as you got to the top of the mountain

and drag me up and then I go, I'm the first man on the top of the world. And tensing's like, what the fuck about me? Ha, Jesus. You know what I did to a promoter? What, I got to, I don't know what venue it was, and they go, how's Bert, and the promoter, and I went, Like that, I just walked away.

Oh. Oh. Yeah, I love my wife. But I don't know. I think I just witnessed so many guys on stage talk good about their wives and then cheat. I was like, I'll do the opposite. I'm going to talk shit about my wife.

And then I'll lover. Yeah. I never thought anything, I gotta tell you man, Louis was a huge influence on me and I don't know if people see that, but like Louis was so honest about his life and I obviously divorced his wife

when he talked shit about it. I think he was being pretty clear. But it was like, I remember watching him do that and I was like, yeah, like there are things that drive you nuts about like having kids. But it was like I remember watching him do that and I was like I was like yeah like There are things that drive you nuts about like Having kids there are things that drive you nuts and why not tap into that as opposed to ill it It resonates more you know what it's exactly like we know when you meet somebody and

Right away you have a conversation like you it's like you're meeting someone, right? And they just stay kind of polite and on the boundary, right? And you go like, oh, this is a nice person. But if you meet somebody and they're like, I don't know, man, I'm losing my fucking mind. Like my kids are making me crazy. And all of a sudden you go like, oh, I like this part. It's endearing. All of a sudden you go like, oh I like this part, it's endearing.

All of a sudden you go like, they took a leap of trusting me, like me, who they just met with information that's real. So then you go, I want to, I actually lean into that person. You go, I want to connect more with this person. You're doing a version of that on stage when you share real shit.

When you're real and honest, the audience goes like, oh, this isn't like just some bullshit. This is like, these are real feelings and thoughts and then of course you layer the jokes in there, but that's what Louis did the best and still does. And he kind of laid the groundwork where he goes like, if you're up there and you're telling the truth, watch how audiences responded to that because

people weren't really used to that. I remember watching, that was the vibe in like the early, late 90s, early 2000s was to, it was almost to brand yourself to become something and I made me so sick where I was like, I was like, you're none of that shit. Like you'd meet them and you'd be like, you're not that person at all. Yeah. And then, and then you'd see, I remember seeing Louis and Louis was exactly who he was.

Like I had just had Georgia and I had a bit about how great it was to have a kid and I got off and Louis was, is it? And got off in Louis, is it? And I go, yeah, he was, is it? And I was like, yeah, and he was like, okay. And I was like, yeah. And then the next time I saw him, and he's like, you get some sleep last night?

I was like, yeah, and he goes, I think your wife got some sleep? I said, no. He was, is it really great having a kid? And I was like, oh yeah, it's kind of nice being on the road some sleep? I said, no. He was a really great having a kid. And I was like, oh yeah, it's kind of nice being on the road. And I was like, yeah. And I remember him just being, he was very, I don't see being honest, I don't think he liked me.

Like at the time, I don't think he, I don't think he, I don't think he was like, this is a great guy. I think he thought I was a really hacky comic who didn't know where he was. And I think he was like, he's a nice enough guy where I could give him some thing, just give him some pointers. I remember that weekend. Have I ever told you this? I took, you guys were working together? It's the only time I ever worked with Louis. And we got along fine, like we got along fine, but not the last Sunday we're out by the bar and

there's a magic book. And it's like, and we're at the bar before the show and I'm doing it with the staff. And everything there in there is works. It's like mind tricks. Pick a color, pick a number, pick a state, give me three cars, think of an animal. And you're like, okay, you go, you thinking of an elephant? And they're like, I am thinking of an elephant. So is this shitty, which clever you at? West Palm, but the Old West Palm.

Yeah, okay. It's a shitty audience, the chief of police is down there. The sheriff is in the audience, and he brought his whole family. So you get their sensibilities off. They're sitting dead center and he's sitting in a center and he is basically, I go up and I bomb. And I bring with me this magic book. You bring it on stage?

I bring it on stage. Cause I was like, if I start bombing, I'll just pull off some magic tricks So I you do this like you tell it Louie you're doing this now I just bring the book with me on stage. I do my act. I start doing my act and then it's not going well So I go all right you guys want to see some special So I open the book and I do the fucking pick a color pick a number pick three cars pick a state On the count of three everyone's day went animal you're thinking oh my god three and everyone goes

Elephant and everyone's like what the fuck I go. I know right so I flip to another page All right, let's try this one so I do like five in a row and I see Louis on the side of stage pacing like, the fuck is he doing? Ha ha ha ha ha go, keep doing their work, and he goes, of course I fucking work. It's in the goddamn book. But now I gotta follow the fucking magic tricks. He goes, I mean, just mesmerize an audience with getting, they all get the same fucking animal.

I guess they all fit too. So he goes up stage and he starts fucking, so, you know, how's everyone doing? I started doing his first bit, bit and he's like God damn it Burke give me the fucking book Yeah, he was he was really sweet and then he was like, he was, him and a tell, and I mean this because I'm friends with both of them now, but I don't think they liked me.

I think they were like, you say that, I'm not a lot of people. Yeah, I think they were just like, they were like, he's a nice guy. I like everything about him off stage, but the second he goes on stage, it makes me cringe. And I think they were trying to get me away from that cringe part. I was so derivative at the time.

I was so like a mashup of like, honestly of like, Dane Cook and David Tell, that I really didn't have my voice. You know what cops hate when you touch faces? Still a good joke, but like, it's a joke I came up with, but if I had written it today, if I had so funny, do you ever look back at your old material and go, what if I wrote it today? Because when we wrote it, when we were younger, I wrote jokes

Honestly with the intent of how would it tell do it? Sure. Like how would Dane do it? How would Louie do it? Like I never looked at like how would Bert tell this joke? Yeah, that's but that's also completely normal and natural To have that perspective. I mean, I did the same thing. I mean the thing is you don't and natural to have that perspective. I mean, I did the same thing. I mean, the thing is you don't go, how would it tell, do this, but your brain is actually going, this seems like something that he would like,

or he would say it like this. I had a giant. I had to go like, okay, yeah, that's what I'll say. I remember he pulled me aside. The one joke you like to my mind was I got into tagging when I was a kid in our neighborhood and cause the movie Beats Street was out.

So I went to our front where it said Faircloth Estates and I just went, took a can of spray paint and I was like I didn't think you'd like that one He was like huh? I was like what about the this one think like an idiot going this one's more your voice I thought you would like that one. He was like no not at all I remember I did Braia right after Ellis was born and like I was trying to do that honest approach about, I was like, how old is Ellis?

Ellis is, he's almost seven. So, we go, I'm doing this thing and he's like a couple weeks older, something. And I'm like, oh, you should, I go, yeah, I just had a kid, everybody claps. And I was like, oh, you should, I go, yeah, I just had a kid, everybody claps. And I was like, you know, a couple weeks, and you really understand how somebody could drown their kid in a bathtub. There's so much truth to that.

And not a lot of laughs. Really? No. No, people are like, aren't you a new father? I'm like, yeah, that's what I'm trying to say. Like, right guys? And everybody was like, aren't you a new father? I'm like, yeah, that's what I'm trying to say. Right guys? And everybody was like, no, it's, well, it's, it's crazy that like,

people can't, that people, some people like shut down. And I think sometimes it has to do with, and I can say this, they grew up in Florida, but like in the South, there's certain things they can't hear. Yeah, they can't hear. Like they're like, no. So think about children is like, it's like you have to always love your children and always love every aspect of parent. You're like, that's not totally honest though.

It's not honest at all. You do love them, but you know, there's moments where you don't and there's also moments where you go like, the fuck is happening right now? Like of course, that's part of being a parent. That's a, that is an honest thing. That's what people resonate with.

I think most audiences, but there are people who go to shows who are like, mm-hmm. Yeah. It's like John Christ. I just had a bone broth for the first time. I mean, where had bone broth? What? It's really good.

Yeah. I just had some bone broth. Is that in that cup? They deliver it. It's really fucking good. Yeah, I've had bone broth. I've never had it before. It's good good. Yeah, I just had some bone broth. Is that in that cup? They deliver it. It's really fucking good. Yeah, I've had bone broth. I've never had it before. It's good for you.

It is? Yes. That's why. It has a lot of, I'm drinking more. Yeah. Seems like something that would make my blood pressure skyrocket. Look at the nutrients in bone broth.

Let's go, let's go. It looks fucking awesome. Check that out. Protein content and bone and make support your body is it builds bones, muscles, carolage skin and blood, contains small amounts of calcium and iron. Yeah, that's a good snack for you, man.

I love it. It's really good. Glow in calories. You're starting to do a bone broth. Last night was the first night I wanted a drink. Really? Yeah. What was it? After my workout. You started your day with bone broth. Last night was the first night I wanted a drink. Really? Yeah.

What was it? After my workout. I've always liked the idea of drinking after a workout, going like, I'm getting a drink tonight. That's when I go. What would have been the drink? Martini. Martini.

I wanted a martini. But I wanted a martini, but I didn't want the buzz per se but I wanted a martini, then we went to dinner. And then at the end't want the buzz per se by one of martini then we went to dinner and then at the end of dinner You're like oh, I'm so glad I had never drank. I'm gonna go lay in bed and then you get in bed and then turn on a History podcast and then fucking Do you get scared in the dark sometimes? It's crazy. I still get scared in the dark that like a clown's gonna show up in the window. I mean I don't know that I really get scared in the, I mean, I guess if I were being a new, like a unfamiliar space and it was pitch black,

you know, that could, but most of the time I don't feel like the dark, like laying down in a hotel room. Yeah. No, that usually doesn't do it to me. I got bone broth all over me now. Hey, maybe we should start a Halloween tradition where I Show up at your house and scare the fuck out of your kids. That's fine with me

Just scare the fucking shit out of them. Yeah Sure, how do you want to do it? Just walk into the house just walk in with a mask. Yeah They would be terrified. You remember those dad tours that we had a dad? I won't say his name, so I know this is not cool anymore. Yeah. But when we were all sleeping,

he'd put on a mask and get the chainsaw and ring the chainsaw outside our door. We were all in the bedroom. Yeah. And then he'd like, bang on the door. And they'd be like, who is it? And he'd be like, oh, but I can bang on the door. And they'd be like, who is it? And he'd be like, oh, but they're like, oh damn, fucking door.

And then you'd be like, what is it? And then you'd open it and be like, ah! And you'd shit your fucking pants. And then he'd just be like, ah, I got you guys. And you're like terrified, fucking terrified. There's gotta be, see if there's a TikTok of dad scaring the shit out of his kid.

There's a, I remember, this is not the exact same thing, but we had a kid who was, he was kinda like, came from a poor family, and they would sometimes have parties when we were in high school. So like, you know, the parents that were like, okay, with real parties taking place, you know, at their house. So we drive up to the house and I pull up and there's like, you know, it's Florida. So he's got, happens to have like, pretty big yard and pull up in this SUV and I'm in

high school and there's just a guy with a mask on. And I'm like high school and there's just a guy with a mask on. And I'm like, what's up? And he goes 20 bucks. I go, for what? And he's like, to come to the party. I'm like, get the fuck outta here, man. And then he's like, you gotta pay. I'm like, get outta here, dude.

I'm not paying you 20 bucks to come to this party. It's my friend, it's my classmate. Yeah. And he's like, I'm like, who is this guy? Weird guy in a fucking mask. He keeps like, how many of me and I start yelling. I start yelling. I go, I'm not giving you shit.

I yell to my friend, I don't wanna say his name, but I'm like, eh. And he's like, no, it's cool, it's cool. I'm like, man, so I had to give the guy 20 bucks. And he stands out there, it's cool. It's cool. I'm like man. So I had to give the guy 20 bucks and he stands out there it collects From all us high school kids go into this party And I get in I'm like who is this fucking guy and he goes that's my dad Oh, it's dad's charging for beers. Yeah, as dad was yeah, oh fuck yeah

All right. Nadav, I keep forgetting to send this to you. So, okay. Nadav, hang on. This is me and Leanne at the thing. Now, this is, hey, did you see the girl that the guy through the beer can at? The girl? The comic, the girl beer can't go on now. Yes, yes, yes. That was kind of fucking crazy. I don't think a guy through, I think a woman through it.

Oh, for real? Yeah, that's who was arguing with her was a woman. All right, Nadav, I sent you two things, okay? They're not me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I sent you two things, okay? Who is that young lady? We should blow up her spot.

What's her name? Let's see. Arial Elias. You could tell she was trying to do the right thing and like do some crowd work when I hurt anyone's feelings. No, she was, I saw the clip. She was cool.

She definitely, she was cool. And she actually had a great jab. I saw the clip. She was cool. She definitely she was cool and She actually had a great jab. Do you see the clip play? Can we play the clip? Is it we're gonna get taken down Where's Uncle Vinnie's we could try and it seems like it would be in bokeh or in fucking New York, right? She seems like a bokeh comic. She seems like a self-order comic. It's so funny, that's what I read out of that whole thing. Really? Yeah, not crazy. Is she? Well, let me rephrase that.

I'm sorry. Out of all my assessments of that event, I was like, that's a Florida. I hold it first real quick. Look up Uncle Vinnie's comedy club. I was like, that's Florida because the only in Florida, they're like, you look like a kind of person that voted for Biden. Uncle Vinnie's.

That pleasant piece New Jersey. That's for real. That's a fuck. Okay. You want to what are we gonna, we can play this? Can we play it? Yeah. Yeah, it's like, yeah, I identified with this young lady because I was like she actually has this great I don't want to take it. Let's let's just play it. She has this great line

What's your name? Let's take her name again. Are you all Elias, right? Was that right? Yes, am I saying it correctly? Are you all Elias? Yeah, okay? Go ahead. Thank you both for Donald Trump. Did I vote for Donald Trump? What do you think? No. Okay.

Here's the one for you. Why would you ask me that in here? Knowing I'm the only Jew in this room. Are you trying to get me killed? And it makes me feel like I vote in New York. My vote doesn't matter if it doesn't. She's trying to be cool. Yeah.

She's not escalating things. Yeah. Everybody vote for whoever you want to vote. That's a cool. I'm a hair fit you voted for. I'm just happy we're all here. You guys say you vote for Biden. Huh.

I don't know. Why did I not? Yeah, so what? Why is it that? I could just talk about your jokes, you better provide it. Why are we going? All right. I can tell by the fact that you're still talking,

but nobody wants you to, then you go to the channel. That's a great one. It's a good line. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. So for the challenge, you just have to say, that's the way it is. That's the way it is. That's the way it is.

That's the way it is. That's the way it is. That's the way it is. That's the way it is. That's the way it is. That's the way it is. That's the way it is. That's the way it is. That's the way it is. That's the way it is. That's the way it is. I have a human interaction with somebody. Oh look, I'm such a nice and care person here. I'll tell you the rest of that.

I'm going right into her bed. I'm so into here, I wasn't got an ID. I almost hit her in the fucking head. Yeah. You fucking kidding? Yeah, I'm never gonna keep you in me. You will ever again. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And then she drank a beer. I like go. Ready, go. Ready, go. Ready, go. And then she drank a beer. I like her. Yeah, the, um, that was, that was bad ass. The thing is to, um, fuck that, all they're doing is what, escorting that woman out,

they should fucking throw her on her head. Yeah, they should, they should make her, that's when you need a balancer that opens the door with her face. And goes, this is how we get you at it. What's, what are you saying? Did you hear the guy with the hairline, and goes, this is how we get you at it. What's, what are you saying? Did you hear the guy with the Hechlerity goes, are you fucking serious?

Yeah. I'm never going out with this group again. That's what he said. So he is with them. Yeah, play it again, play that, play that. I heard that part. Yeah, I heard it, I heard it. That is so unacceptable.

It could have hit that crazy. Crazy young lady in the fucking head. Yeah, it was crazy. And then that's a fucking head injury because you don't like someone's joke. By the way, you know, she didn't even like her joke, or I don't even think it was about a joke, she said she didn't like the point of views of her jokes

and she felt that they were skewed liberal. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know if I've ever seen like a I don't know if I've ever seen other if you zoom in you can see where I pulled my stomach out. Can you see that can you see oh yeah yeah it's got like shirt pull I would look so good if it wasn't for that at L'Aria. I look like oh, he's not in bad shape Hey, this is nice though black tea. Oh, you actually have not don't you don't have flip flops on can you zoom in more? Yeah, you can definitely tell I pulled the shit out of that shirt. It's got like finger marks. Yeah, it's finger marks and I Think I stretched it with my knee. I Had Leanne looks fucking phenomenal. It's got like finger marks. Yeah, it's finger marks. And I think I stretched it with my knee. I had Leandleks fucking phenomenal.

Six great. Yeah. Yeah, for a first wife, that's like, I kept waiting for them to go. Like I was like, Leand's sitting off the side and they're fucking brutal. These fucking photographers are brutal. They're like, Leandleks, great.

I love those boots on her. They're like, they all look great. I love those boots on her. They're like, man, can we just get him? Can you scoot out, please? Did they do that? Yeah. And I was like, oh. And I was like, do you want my mom in it? And they're like, huh?

And they like shut the fuck up. And I was like, I don't want to lay in, come in here. I was like, well, you just have her in here. I don't want to be doing this. I have no interest in it. It's the most shallow thing in the world taking pictures on a red carpet. There's no, they don't know who you are.

I pulled my shirt up, like I took a picture of my shirt up, she goes, please, lower the shirt, sir. And I go, I'll take it fucking off right now. And she was like, we need to keep it family friendly. And then someone goes, do you not know who the fuck that is? She was like, no, I don't. Like, they don't give a fuck, they're brutal. Dude, I got this clip.

I want to, I want to play it for you, but I don't know if it's worth being on the show, because I can't tell if it's a lie or not. Okay. Okay, I just sent it to you in a dog. Did you get it? All right, he says true story, okay? Okay.

This guy went to my show in somewhere. This is about your show? Yeah. okay. Yo. You're not gonna believe this fucking shit. So last night, I went to go see Berkreicher and Youngstown. Normally, I wouldn't be posting this up with the stories too fucking good not to share.

So you get to the Berkreicher, the Cabelli Center, looks like where they have fucking rodeos. It doesn't look like a huge spot, but it was packed. The whole show was super fucking funny. If I had to complain about anything, it was a fact that all I can get was Miller Light and sit in any other beer. It makes me fucking piss. It was bullshit.

Probably halfway through, Burk Chrysher set, I finally had to use a restroom. I'd go to the restroom, there's a line of people. Now, most of the people that were at this fucking this concert, I wouldn't really be hanging out with. That's all I guess. Looks like a lot of dudes that, just not my steve of people.

Some white trash, some hillbillies, some hunters, some normal people everyone between, you know, 20s to 40s or 50s, but a good white variety, but I wouldn't hang out with a lot. Anyway, we get to the fucking arrest. By the way, for those of you listening as a face to two, all the dudes are complaining because there's a line that goes out the door and

wants you to use like what the fuck man? Are we the girls line or or we fucking we're trying to buy a fucking beer or we just try to piss and I'm just sitting there. I don't know, just stand on myself, listen to everybody. Well as we get close inside the Cavalry Center to the right side, there is stalls maybe like a handicap one in the two regular ones and then it's just a bunch of urals on the other side. We get close and this guy that was in front of me he's just just oozing with machismo man. This guy feels like he's like six five but he was probably like five five. guy feels like he's like six five, but he's probably like five five. He's just sitting there puffing his chest out waiting for for something to open up. All of a sudden

the stall opens up. This guy comes out and he's like, whoo! Now that's a party. The guy looks at him and he's like, are you done? He's like, yeah man, you know, it's a party in there. So this little guy goes into the stall. All the sudden, I hear a fucking screeching. What the fuck? This guy barrels out of the fucking stall. Dude, there's a dude in there. Apparently, he walked in on some dude, spreading his ass cheeks, that just either, I don't know, maybe he's getting the bolligging, cheeks that just either I don't know maybe this is getting the bollic in a plane with I don't know tongue punch in a fur box who knows all I know is you can't unsee that shit this guy was

terrified so fucking terrified he starts yelling at the fucking guy dude what the fuck this is a managed restroom you guy dude what the fuck this is a marriage restroom you fuck it what the fuck the guy that came on the stall was like you know man I told you it's a party you go back in there this guy was not having it I couldn't do anything except laugh it's the funniest part of the show fucking hilarious I can't believe I witnessed it. I didn't even make it to the fucking urinal. I peed a little bit in my pants. Do you think that's all right? That's good. That's good.

Do you think that's a true story? Um, do you think a dude was fucking a dude in the ass? Am I, am I show it with a guy? Well, he's better than young stuff. I don't know the way that he sold the story feels very real. It feels very real, right? Yeah. I mean, I, you know, whether or not it really, I mean, it feels like whatever the way that he told the story feels real as far as like what is happening in the stall, that could be anything.

I was kind of like the ultimate prank is if you and your buddy go into a stall, yeah, it could be. And then you pull your pants down and just walk out and go, no, that was fun. Yeah. You're up next. I feel bad for the guy who pies his pants around and then the guy your pants down and go and just walk out and go now that was fun. Yeah, you're up next Yeah, and I feel bad for the guy who pices pants around and then the guy goes, I'll fuck him in the ass I can see you being like cheek spread. You like you want a party and you guys like sure

Yeah, that's um, I love that the way he described your fan Yeah, that's um, I love that the way he described your fan. He was a lot of fucking white tribe. Trash, hillbilly's red. By the way, I normal people. He looks like my typical fan. Yeah. Like, it doesn't look different than my average fan. It's so interesting that I'm always shocked when you see,

if there's a fight at your show. Like, where was it? I was just somewhere and they were like, I was somewhere with someone, I won't say his name, but he was like, it was in Charlottesville. And then like when Tom here, it was fucking chaos. They were like, that was a cat. Yeah, what happened to a real cat at a show? When I did this show, I did the,

I don't see that at your show at all. Well, I mean, I've only had, I've had a few fights. I mean, look, if you do like this many shows, that many people, meaning like adding up all the shows, it's going to be incidents at some point. I mean, we've had everything happen from obviously people being super drunk, people passing out on stage, fights, passing out on stage, passing out. I'm sorry, I have to show, uh, fights, vowing on stage. Passing out, I'm sorry, I have to show. Jack Medics, you know,

carried somebody out, I had a guy fall, everyone thought he was dead. We had turned the house lights on in a Jesus. That never happens at my shows. Well, I mean, I'm just saying, if you do, if you just, I think that's something that happens, if you just,

I get fights, I get fights, and I'm always shocked, they're fighting, so I go, you guys should be friends. Yeah, really? You have a lot of fights? No, I've had one fight. It was there. It's always in an arena. We were like, we were like, most of the arena stuff, I don't, it's so hard to pick up on something happening because like the room is so big that like I'll get off stage and they'll be like, oh, you know, we had a we had to throw, 20 people from section, you know, GG, all right, I mean, how would I know that?

I was in the middle of this thing with, you know, there's a 200 speakers. What happened in Charlottesville? They said it was chaos. I was doing a really small theater. It was the end of a run, right? Oh, okay. And so that was what was available, like on a Sunday,

we did two shows there, I think. Yeah, it was two. It was Sunday because I went and I hung out at with Chris Long. That's what I was talking to. Yeah. And we were did. We did a gorgeous kid. God. It's fucking crazy. The whole fucking family. Yeah. I mean, really, honestly. Yeah. I know. And just in how we, it's like the fuck guys like 60 and you're like, I fuck them. So, um, we how old are we long? I don't know. Look at these guys.

Look at that fucking so unfair. I know. I mean, when you're a girl and you go to that house for the first time, and you're like, I'm gonna fuck you. I would fuck the whole family. Do a family picture of the long. So look at that. Yeah. I think I'd love my dad more if he had a jizzle jaw like that.

Oh, yeah. If my dad was that handsome, I'd be like, I thought I loved you and now I love you so much more. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's crazy. Look at that. Look at that.

Look at that. Wow. It's fucking, I mean, how great do you think it is? Think about this. How great do you think it is? Think about this. How great do you think it is to be a long Sunday, right? Yeah. Back when their dad just retired, and they're all kids, and they're sitting on the couch with their dad,

watching Sunday football, and they're at the age where they're, I mean, I think they're probably still obsessed with football, but like, at the age when you become obsessed with football. Yeah. And you can't, and you, you're just moving around and you're chair going, oh, and your dad's explaining it to you, but then you're sitting in that couch and fucking, I mean, how great do you think that life was?

Oh, it had to be, it had to be the best. And then they, you have your dad is like a hall of famer. And then you get your dad is like a hall of famer and then you get basically his size and athleticism or whatever. Like you... And it's charisma. Yeah, they're all like really cool kids. Like they're really cool adults, you know?

Oh, they're so cool and they're super humble too. And he was like the... It's Chris Kyle and... And howie. No, no, no, no, no, junior. How would junior? Yeah. But like Chris was, you know,

one of the highest rated recruits coming out of high school could go anywhere, chose Virginia because that's like where he was living. The family was there. And he's super humble. He acts like he was like, he's like, you oh, I played. I was like, what are you talking about?

It's really crazy the way he downplays. He's, oh my God, he's one of the people who was like, oh wow, you're really tall. And I was like, what? And he's like, you're like six, two, right? I go, no, but I have lifts in my shoes. I told him you had lifts. Yeah, I did.

I did. I was like, I'm really like, I'm really tall, I can be where had lifts. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did.

I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did.

I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. Like me and you got kind of fucked. Like we got sisters and so it kind of like we have screwed. Right? And so the thing is we got our dads love.

Like they'll never know the love we got from our dads. Yeah, yeah. Like he's, you never gonna love a girl the way you love his son. He's just, he's not. Yeah. I mean, I have daughters, trust me, I know it. Like he's just, I love, I love your,

Ellis more than I love my daughters. He's just, yeah. I literally, it is rad. And I actually, you know your, just, Ellis more than I love my daughter. It's, yeah. It is rad. And I actually, you know, sometimes I have friends that have both, a boy and a girl. And the guys are always like, Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I like the one that I know. The other one I don't know, it's a girl, right? Right. Like I'm nice to her. Yeah. And I get her stuff. Yeah.

And you like, you like see them in the kitchen and be like, hey, how was your day? And then they stay stuff and you her stuff. Yeah, and you like you like see them in the kitchen and be like, hey How was your day? And then they stay stuff and you shut down as if but if a boy said you'd be like, oh, I want to hear more Yeah, tell me about practice tell me about the girls Tell us all let's you know, let's go sit down talk over here. Yeah, let's talk about fucking life My my this my open with you the way every woman wish I was you know, my connection with my dad is with you the way every woman wished I was, you know, like that. My connection with my dad is so different than my dad's. Am I with my sisters?

My sisters have a, they know the guy and they love him and they like, how about the way that a father holds you accountable the way and you're like, hey, how about, and then he's like, you go, how about don't even, and they go, don't, they're buddy, they're, buddy, you know, they're different. Yeah. Big guy, hey, go on, let's, they're, you know, they're different. Yeah. Big guy. Hey, go on, let's, let's, you know how they are, okay?

You need to get some things done. Okay. What the fuck, what about them? You get to pick one family to go into. Now, I'm gonna opt out of the longs. I don't wanna be a part of that family, because I don't think I can, I don't think I, my, the proof isn't in the pudding. I think I'd be the one fucking son where they're like,

oh, he's got this helmet on backwards. Yeah. Looking him running into trees. Hey, Bert, over here, big guy. Yeah. So I don't wanna be a part of the longs like cause I'm not gonna be able to hang, right? And there's no way how he's gonna love me

like he loves his other all-American sons. Oh yeah. I'd be like, no, you'd be like the runt, you know? Yeah, yeah. But what family could, no, you'd be like the runt, you know? Yeah, yeah. But what family could you slide into, okay? Yeah. And the ultimate family, like if you look at a family and you go, like the Kennedys would have been bad ass.

Right, right. Because they all part in the old part. The Manning's the Kennedys. Top, see if there's gotta be a website. Top, Dynasties, is it a Dynasty? Yeah, like Dynasty families? Dynasty families.

Prince Allaweed, let me see here. The Waltenes. Oh, these are just like super loaded families. The South. These are billionaires. No, no, no, no, no, let's go, like Kardashians, if you're a chick, that would be a top family to slide into by. But it'd be fun. Is there a chick, that would be a tough family to slide into.

But it'd be fun. Is there a boy in that family? Yeah, there is. Rob. Remember he had like his, he's like, oh, is he, did he get married into it? No, no, no, he's a, he's a, but then he kind of dropped out of the social, like the, the public. No, that's not all the Smiths. There you go. Will Smith and Jada Pinkett That family British Royal family Balmjee all over which one the Smiths yeah, no It's fucking Put the dude in there. Are you sure the dudes not married into it? Well the dude became a woman. Okay, what so What scroll down to see the next two in the family come and come with it?

Go to the next one. Kardashians the Smiths pass pass pass pass. You imagine what a nightmare that would pass pass The back-ums. That's pretty cool. Yeah, that would be a cool family slide into but then everyone's like, yo Can we go swimming at your house? See if your mom will come? Yeah, yeah, she's so fucking hot and her and their dads are really hot too Yeah, like uncomfortably good looking. Okay, pass. I can't be in that family. The Cypress family. Cyrus.

Cyrus, yeah. Well, Miley would be fun. The brother I bet's funny shit. I would pass on any Southern family. Okay, you're right. I don't want to be in any Southern family. But how cool is it that Billy Ray Cyrus is your dad? That's cool.

That's cool. Like he's like, was my boot scoot, my Aiki break your heart or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, pass. I don't want to be in the Cyrus's. Estabes would have been a fun family. Wait, who's the third Estabes?

There's always one you don't know. That would be me. Yeah. Janet Sheen and four kids. Oh, they have four kids. That would be me. Yeah. Janet Sheen. Four kids. Four kids. Yeah. That would be a fun family. Do you feel like, I feel like Amelia West are as in Charlie Sheen don't talk a lot? Probably not. Isn't it crazy though that you're like, you're like, oh, my brother Charlie. Yeah. You know, he smokes crack and got AIDS from fucking porn stars. Anyway, he's doing better now.

It's so fucking wild how hardcore he went. Charlie Sheen, maybe. Do you know that when he was on that bender, he was inviting porn stars. Oh, he'd been with like tons of porn, but he would invite them over and put their scenes on his home theater, watch it with them, break down the scene and then be like, all right, now let's go fuck, and then he'd give them like, you know, 20, 30 grand, and this is, and he's also like manic, so he's fully manic, and you're like, you're watching yourself from your point on his home theater. He's fully manic, yeah, totally crazy, man.

I'm literally not. I'm not. Full of the manic, yeah. Totally crazy, man. Number Tiger Blood. Oh, I got it. Jesus Christ. You know that, that, that, I think, how much fun do you think that is to excess

that part of your brain where you're, where you're, you feel fun at the time probably, but I think afterwards it's like, where you realize you were out of it. Do you remember he was throwing, he was like working out and throwing pitches and he was like, yeah, I still pitch. Oh, yeah. I think about going pro. Yeah remember he was throwing, he was like working out and throwing pitches and he was like, I still pitch. Oh, I think about growing pro.

Yeah, he was crazy. He was crazy. Was that the end of the list? The Vanderbilt. No, let's see. Like, I want a family like the Kennedys or the family that you'd, Well, this is like that.

The Vanderbilt. Sure, sure. Who are the Vanderbilt's? Um, well, let's see here. At one point in history, the Vanderbilt's were the wealthiest family in America and the 1800s, Cornelius Vanderbilt created an empire that lasted several decades. Oh, Vanderbilt's are, uh, uh, uh, the fucking...

The Skender... Oh, okay. Oh yeah, that sort of says that. And the glory of Vanderbilt became... The Vanderbilt isn't as prominent anymore, although glorious son Anderson Cooper carries on the family legacy. He's the last Vanderbilt. And he's a Cooper.

I would change it back to Vanderbilt if I was him. Yeah, why would you fucking, the Hemsworth, oh that would be a full cool fucking family. Oh wait, who's the little Hemsworth? There's always one. There's always one. Wait, who's the last Luke? Let's like Luke, Chris and Liam, that's what it is.

Wait, they're all famous. I know all of them I think. I don't. I definitely don't. Wait, they're all famous. I know all of them, I think. I don't. I definitely don't. Scroll in more on that photo. Maybe, can we close that? Who's the smaller one? So, one of the married Miley Cyrus.

What? Yeah. One of the Hemsworth married Miley Cyrus. I only recognize one. I don't recognize the other ones. I recognize two, the one that married Miley Cyrus, then Thor, and then the other one was in, that one was in Hunger Games, right?

Or that one was? Why was you X out of that ad? There's three leading men. They're all three leading men. Roll scroll down, scroll down. Hemsworth brothers are three of Tollywood's hop leading men. I've not read that right. Yeah.

Westworld, Luke is in Westworld. Okay. Chris is there. His door. And then Liam is in the Hunger Games. I knew it. And he, Previously is married to Charlie Cypress.

Cyrus, okay. Hudson fucking Russell family would be a fun fucking family except for the whole time I'd be like can your sister please spend the night? I saw them at lunch one time and when I lived in LA and it was so fucking Like they're just sitting on the patio just having lunch and you kind of want to go like Yeah, there's There's stories. I did a podcast with Oliver and Kate with my sisters. You did? Yeah.

It's pretty fun. You should do it. It's called sibling rivalry. It's their podcast. It's their podcast and then they talk about what was life like in your family. And it was fun. I love, I love, I have a good time with my sisters. I fuck around with them a lot, but my sisters would be, it would be way too weird to do it.

Oh no. No, please do it. Absolutely. Please do it. I tell you what I had to unfollow Kate Hudson after that why? the woman is She's a temptress She's there's something beautiful about her that you sneaks up on you and all of a sudden you're on following on Instagram and you're like that you sneaks up on you. And all of a sudden you're on, following on Instagram, and you're like, next thing you know, you're like, she goes into your feed, and then you're like, oh, that looks fun.

And then you click her thing, and then you're like, just watching her videos, and you're like, fuck, am I falling in love? I told Dane this, I think it's disgusting when women wear shoes sneakers with a bathing suit. I think it's like the gross thing in the world. What? It's fucking disgusting.

I don't even know, say your sentence again. When women or sneakers with a bathing suit, it's fucking gross. It's like the grossest thing in the world. What? It's fucking disgusting. I don't even know, say your sentence again. When women or sneakers with a bathing suit, it's fucking gross. It's like, I'd rather see a dick pop out of the side of your bathing suit than to you with sneakers on. Why? It's just gross. I have some fucking decency.

Like put on sandals. Yeah, put on fucking sandals. Like, don't put sneakers on. Like, and then your sand's gonna get in the sneakers and then those are your feet. Your feet are supposed to be sexy, but then you got stinky feet and stinky sneakers with no socks. You don't like that Wait, how do you come? Not that way. I guess we are different. Yeah so so Kate Hudson

Kate Hudson had a video of her She's in a red bay, I don't know if I can find the video. I wonder if it's in her feed, see if you can find the video all of a sudden, or at Nidav. It's in her Instagram. You see her, I think they're in like,

Mika knows they're in Greece. And she's climbing up a mountain in a red thong. But it's a one piece thong. And immediately I'm like, oh yeah, that's a really sexy thong. And then it pans down and she's wearing sneakers and I said to myself, that's hot. And I went, okay.

So now you're going again. And so I went, I'm out, I'm out. The woman's allowed to break all the rules with me. I'm fucking unfollowing her, I had to unfollow her. Is that her right there It's like no trees or whatever. No, that's not it. It's her walking up She's and she's got great fucking energy. There's nothing wrong with the woman. She's perfect. Okay, she really is like like That's the trip though. That's the bathing suit

Those are pictures, but I maybe I watch sitting stories. Okay, but she get the latest perfect. What's that one in the middle there? That one. Talk about fun family. There you go. They're nice sandals. Those are good sandals. They said, I said to them. Hold on.

I said to them, what's one of the, by the way, Dean Crookes, Kate Hudson's fucking magnetic. Yeah, I believe it. She's a movie star. Yeah, but she comes in on the DL, you know? She comes in on the DL, she tricks you. She doesn't like, she's not chasing the rabbit like every other movie star. She does what she wants to do, shows up, does a thing, seems like light work for her. Like she seems in, she doesn't seem like she's like, you know, just having a good

time up there on screen. The, I said to them, this, they would be a fun family to be a part of. I said, what's one of your favorite, they said to me, my sisters, what's one of your favorite family vacation memories? We were like, I don't think we made one up, I don't know. Like we didn't vacation a lot. And then I said, what's 20 years? And she looks at Oliver who's like, he's like, I don't know, biking through the Alps is fun. She's like, oh, that was good.

And then I was like, what happened? And they're like, oh, we were in like high school and our parents took us on a bike trip through the Alps and we would ride like 20 miles Then we'd stop and we'd get some wine or have a beer and giggle and then we'd laugh or big laughers Then we'd have like a schnitzel and then we'd ride another 20 miles to another bar and I was like and then I was like Oh, that's Kurt Russell and Goldie Hahn, the riding bikes with. Yeah. Like two of the most energized, mag, like magnetic, you know, I want to do that.

I wanted to do that. I wanted to do that with UK Hudson. K Hudson, I had to unfollow her. I feel bad. Yeah, I think, yeah. There's a couple like that. Like Angelina and Jolie would have power over me that I couldn't control.

Yeah, I don't see that. Well, I do. Okay. So I said they saw in person, and a jolly would have power over me that couldn't control. Yeah, I don't see that. Well, I do. Someone said they saw in person, and then it was striking up like. Which is a striking face for sure, but just. Angelina Jolie just, is that her kid?

Yeah. Her kid looks just fucking like her. Yeah. Holy shit. Her kid looks just fucking like her. And her dad's Brad Pitt. Oh, oh no, that's not her dad. Yeah, that kid's dad is Brad Pitt.

They never had a kid together. Yeah, they did. No, that's from Billy Bob. No. No. No. No. No. No. 100% you're wrong. Type in if Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt ever had a kid. And the baby's name is Shiloh. That's their kid. That's it I thought Shiloh was a boy. Okay. Well, you're wrong about a lot of things Wait, how many kids is Angelina Jolie?

Yep, you're wrong. You're wrong. You're wrong. You're wrong. You're wrong. Say you're wrong. Say you're wrong No, basically the Indian twins at the only biological sons of Brad and Angelina. That Shiloh's from another marriage. It's another person that got a pregnant. What? No, it's not. Yep, no, it's not.

She's got Maddox packs. Can you fucking search? Jesus Christ to say you're wrong. Type in the fucking name. I love that your best friend Brad Pitt's gonna be like, dude, how do you not know who my kids are? Shiloh, Jolly Pitt, he adopted the kid, Tom. Parents. No. Parents. Yeah, what's what happens when you adopt a kid?

No, that's his kid. No. Yes. No. Yes. No, it just said, Shiloh's first biological child. She's now 16, somehow she's a doppelganger of both Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolly. Yeah, that's their kid. No, it's a doppelganger of both Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Yeah, that's their kid. No, it's a doppelganger, Tom. God, between your fucking retardation and his. Wait, let me see her family. Go to that picture. It's a lot of fucking kids.

Yeah, they have a lot of kids. How many did her and Brad have three? I don't remember. You don't remember? I mean, I don't remember. You don't remember? I mean, I don't remember. It's a while ago. I remember when they had this kid. Baby Shiloh. Baby Shiloh? I remember that because the kids faced, you were like, holy shit. I've never seen that kid before.

Really? I know there's like all over every magazine, all over, like it was... Okay, so is this the family you pick? No. No. That's a family though. That's a, it's a, like that's a interesting, that's a diverse... I think back in the day it would have been fun to be like an Escobar, you know, down in Columbia.

Oh yeah. That would have been fun. An Escobar would have been cool. That would have been fun. And Eskabar would have been cool. That would have been the shit. Cause you could also be like, that person was mean to me. And your dad would kill him in front of you. All right, what would you rather have a twin

or be a part of the, the Kennedys or the Eskabars? I don't wanna be a, I don't wanna have a twin. Oh my God, I would love to have a twin. You would be insufferable. I would have made my twin jerk me off all the time. Is that no a twin's deal?

Maybe I'll think of the wrong word. All right, Charlottesville story. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm doing this little theater and I'm like, I know I have two, I think it's the late show, I forget. But it's like I'm 30 minutes in. You know, and you're just kinda like, all right,

just like I'm going to third base now and here in a second, kinda feeling like, all right. And at a certain point, you know, there's levels, it changes on theaters and like arenas, what you'll pay attention to. So in other words, if you hear like, like that, you go like, I'm just going to keep, you know, you don't want to stop your show. The louder it gets, the, the, the bar is lower in a theater because a smaller room and a room.

So I start to hear this kind of disruption and I'm like, you know, you kind of go, I'll keep going, keep going. And then you go, oh, I have to stop. This is unavoidable now. And it really got unavoidable. And I look down and it's actually center, third row. And I'm like, what's going on? And this guy goes, I am not leaving. I'm like, what is happening and he is in a full and they're like he won't shut up and he and you're touching me That is assault and then I go oh my god and I see This is old-ass theater a lot of people don't realize that some venues don't really have security Yeah, they just have ushers. They just have a dude in a yellow shirt. He was like 78 yeah, so these two ushers come down and they're like These have a dude in a yellow shirt. He was like 78.

So these two ushers come down and they're like, come on, he goes, no. And he holds on to the armrests on either side of him. He goes, I'm not leaving. You will have to pull me out of here. And I look at them and they're like, right? And then when you're on stage, you're like,

well, yeah, just ripped that guy out. Yeah. And they're like, we're old. I'm like, this isn't happening. I got, okay, he goes, no, no. They keep arguing. Like the people are like, you should go. He's like, I will not, you should go. Like they're like, and full volume like that. They're having an actual, like when you're in a restaurant and people just get into a real argument and I'm like, oh my god. So I'm like, dude, he goes, I am staying. And he's alone. Yeah. He's alone. He's got cargo shorts on our member and like this weird fucking. I'm like,

all right, man. So it kind of looks like like he looks like the John Goodman and Big Lebowski. Kind of, and he has, I think he went fishing that day. He had kind of like fishing guy gear on, and I'm like, oh, Jesus Christ. And I try to go back and the first thing I do, I address how weird that was. And I make some joke and he goes, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Because he's trying to become audience again and not the villain of the room. And then everybody's like, what the fuck?

That was such a weird fake laugh. And then it's like, they're still mad at him and the room. And it's almost like the old days when you're in a club and the club kind of falls apart and you're like, well, this theater just does that. They all just start talking yelling and I'm like, I look over to the apart and you're like, well, this theater just does that. They all just start talking, yelling, and I'm like, I look over to the side and I'm like, so I just make it a crowd work thing for the next 20 minutes.

Really? I just do it for, I just keep, because there's times where you go, like, I can't, sometimes that should happen, and you go, go back to the show. Yeah. And you put your show back on.

But sometimes that's not an option. Like it's literally not, you're like, I can't just do material. I have to. It seems so forced to just then go. Yeah, you got to go like, and what I did was, I did that until I felt like, okay. And then I realized I had like 10 minutes left and I go, just do like the closing 10 and get out of here. Yeah. And that was the show that Chris was at.

He was like, that was fucking crazy. He came back and he was like, man, Tom show was wild here. Yeah. And I said, really? And he's like, yeah. He's like, there was a fucking, it was chaos. It was chaotic. It was total chaos.

I would rather then see a chaotic out of control show than me do all my material. I mean, there's something fun about it. Yeah. About somebody witnessing that kind of show. I mean, the worst, to me the worst is when somebody, you know or ask to come to a show, and they just see like a, like a blah audience and show and you're like,

oh, that sucks. Like you saw like material, but like there was no energy, like those kind of shows, it's like, who all, if that's one Like you saw like material, but like there was no energy, like those kinds of shows, it's like who always, that's the one that always somebody comes to. Yeah. That you invited or asked to come.

Oh, so I'm like, Bill Murray was at your show. And you're like, that show? But yeah, he came to that show and that was, there was a wild show. I invited the guys from Roughhouse,

you know the guys from Roughhouse? Yeah. I invited them when I was in Charlotte, Charlotte, Kurt Charleston. I was like, hey, coming down the show, theyhouse. Yeah. I invited them when I was in Charlotte, Charlotte, Charleston. I was like, hey, coming down the show, they obviously didn't give a fuck, didn't come. Yeah. They were like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we're not,

we're not, we're not a project together, we're good. That's Mike Briden, then, yeah, they're the ones with Briden's company. But, no, but I mean, I'm stating, come for whatever reason, but I didn't hear back from them. So I was like, well, shit, maybe they're there. I'm both in my Charleston shows. We're like, just blah. Oh, cause I knew I had to work out at the end of the day. So I was like, I was like,

my late show is kind of all over the fucking map. And I, I hate when I just, I go, I'm gonna play around and then my play rounds are always, my show is a lot more, is a lot better than my fuckarounds lately. And my fuckarounds just come out insensitive and somewhat nasty. Yeah, I go on that. I have to just drop. Really?

Yeah, it's too mean and it makes me laugh. It makes me laugh. And then there's always like, you know, 10 people that agree. And I'm like, it's not a good sign. That's 4,000 people at this show. That was clapping along. Yeah. But yeah, dude, I don't know.

I don't know. I think I always think there's like a, there's like a actual fine, it's like a delicate dance, a fucking around that makes the show really fun. And then all of a sudden, you do one thing or you mix things up too much, and you go, this is just feels disjointed. Because sometimes I get bored with the,

I'll find an order, order works, and I go on board. So I move it. If you move a few things, you're kind of like, that was cool, but if you move like eight things, you're like, this didn't really work. All the sudden, all the sudden there's this big flat line in the front, you're like, well, that's why I had that up front. Yeah.

Because it was fun and it was hard and it was killing. There's the reason that you order, it becomes your order. So tomorrow, we should wrap this up, but tomorrow is the end of so October. Yes. And we're doing Rogan. Yeah, today is the end of so October. Yes. And we're doing Rogan. Yeah. Today is the end of so today is today. Yeah. Tomorrow is November 1st. Am I drinking on Rogan? I can't drink much.

Why? I mean, I'm shooting my special this week. Oh, are you really? Yeah, I'm just going to this weekend. Yeah, I mean, I have a drink, but I'm not going to get it. Yeah, maybe I'll have a drink. When do you fly up for your special? He said that like a southern lady. I never have a drink, but I'm not gonna get it. Yeah, maybe I'll have a drink. One do you fly up for your special? He said that like a Southern lady. Maybe I'll have a drink. Maybe I'll have a. Yeah, I don't know. I'd be like Rob Kardashian. I gotta learn more about this Rob Kardashian.

I like how this said new person to you. But I've never heard of him. He's definitely well known. Bullshit. He's a famous guy. Rebuttoned off. Do you know who he is? I do.

Whoa, that's Rob Kardashian. Yeah. Oh, I would totally be Rob Kardashian. Wait, that's Rob Kardashian? Yeah. There's been a few iterations of Rob Kardashian. He's a gorgeous dude. Do they, you think those fucking women just

fucking terrorize that poor kid? Probably. You think they, I mean, there's no way you can keep your head above water in that fucking family. It's out of the rough. It's got to be rough. Fucking alphas. That man made alphas. I mean, every one of those fucking chicks is a fucking Alpha Eagle just. Ah!

Da-ga! Da-ga! If poor Rob's down there like a worm, like, he just doesn't know where to put his foot iPad. It's gotta be rough dude. He was, and he's Kardashian, right? Yeah. So his dad passed away when he was like, Yeah. Fucking three kid, yeah.

Oh my god, my power breaks for, I'm gonna start supporting Rob Kardashian to give her like a reality show. He did have it on. Don't, for real, what was it called? I don't know, but it's not no longer a show. Big, big. What was it called, Robin Big?

Do you remember that? Yeah, I remember that, of course. That guy died, you know that? Big. Yeah. Big black. Big black died. Yeah.

For a stroke, I think. That sucks, man. He was too big. He was the right amount of black, but he was too big. You know him and Rob, Deer Deck didn't get along. No. I might be making that up. Oh, that's good.

I think they did. See if they got along. We should probably wrap this up. So tomorrow, we're doing Rogan. Okay. Are you smoking dope? Drugs? Yeah.

No. Not smoking dope. Not smoking dope? And you'll have a drink. And a cigar? I'll have a drink. And a cigar. I'll have a cigar. I don't, I mean look, I gotta travel. The nigga, I don't wanna, I don't wanna be hung over.

I got a busy week, man. Motherfucker, we should just cancel if everyone's gonna be like this. What are you, what are you playing on drinking? Nothing, I guess I'll have a drink. Can you do that? Yeah. No, you won't, you'll be like, okay, okay, okay, I'll give me a hug I don't know I'll have a drink and then I'll have some bone broth and some coffee fine

That's what I'm gonna have like I have a half a cigar and then no, no, no, no, I don't smoke dope. I Mean what are we doing here? Part of my part of the Motherfucker All right, hey, wait What do you think are he's gonna drink he's gonna be a fucking yes, yes, yes, I think Joe's gonna drink Yes, you'll look. Oh, I've oh drink. I he'll light up some pot make pot a part of this thing. Oh, he's a hardcore pot head Yeah, and pot is not cool

Yeah, and pod is not cool. It's a legal drug. Hopefully not much longer. Well, guys, if you enjoy this episode, watch us be lamest fuck on Rogan. Oh, stop. We'll be on the biggest podcast in the world having a drink. What are you going to drink? You might as well have a specialty drink like a Manhattan or something. Pinagreesia.

I'll have a cocktail with you guys. I just don't want to get loaded. Are your clothes going to fit you for your special? What do you mean? You're so skinny now. Did you get them when you're even fatter and now you're so skinny? No, I got them last week and I had them altered and then I'm going to try. You know what you're wearing?

Yeah, I have a cross. I don't have my outfit yet. I'll show you a photo. Oh yeah? Yeah, yeah. It's pretty fucking... Really? No, it, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty fucking Really? No, it's whatever. It's not this is jeans They're not are they cheap don't spoil it. Don't spoil it. Okay. Show me off air

Okay, let's go. All right. All right. Love you. Bye. Bye Top of the other where's the shirt? Stories in birds the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep the clean Here's what we call, two bears one cave No scripts to beat a booze amateur for topology Dirty jokes, rancher humor, no apologies Here's what we call to bears one cave.