2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 16 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: January 6, 2020

What do the 2 Bears get up to in the cave this week? First, Tom and Bert show off hats that they're not sure if they can sell or not, but if guys like them, we'll figure something out! Then we get on the subject of Tom's new found love for speaking Spanish on podcasts! Is it all a rouse? What's the ACTUAL reason? Bert has some ideas! Bert then tells us about his spiritual healer. They also discuss their love of 50 Cent and how incredibly funny he is. Bert then starts to make some interesting observations: he thinks Christina P is the mastermind behind all the Bert-shaming that's been going on for years! is it true? Let us know in the comments!

Ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, The panel of the metal is going to go... There's a perfect way to start off this show. 12 years in the making. It's gonna be a fucking shit show. I'm gonna try it every once in a while. It's gonna be a maybe a hit. It's a hundred percent. A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a- You know, we both have our new, our hats that we, that newer have made. Yeah. These are amazing. A love one. Um, and we can't sell them. Hahaha.

Everyone's gonna hit us up for them. Because this is licensing shit, right? This is like a Grizzly's logo. Oh, yeah. Hahaha. But it's super cool. They're really great. It even has the name in there.

Two birds one. Cave. I love these hats. Those guys, I didn't even think that I was like, we gotta sell these and they were like, yeah, it's a little more complicated than that big guy. But new era is so dope, dude. That was that experience was awesome.

Are we doing the show now? Yeah. Okay. Okay, I didn't know if you were doing a read for new era. No, I'm just saying. Out of this world, I got an FSU hat, I got a Canon baller's hat, I got a B, it was so cool because they could design any hat you wanted. So they did a lighthouse with a B on it

and did a rope around the front. I love having a hat where people go, who is that? And they'll just go, I don't know. I don't know. I got a bunch of the Hispanic heritage minor league baseball hats. You're really leaning into this Hispanic. No, they showed me. They showed me.

Are you planning to get away? Would you get me to here? You're gonna go over here. No, you'll time be on. No, you'll time be on. They showed me all these hats where I was like, I don't follow baseball at all. Thomas Laker has been accused of sexually assaulting many female comics and Tom's the group goes up because

I swallowing a moment the fuckers. Oh America The Indian eat us South America. I don't think they have me to down there That's my favorite thing about Latin people is that you don't believe in progressive things at all You know that I explain some of this shit I explain some of this shit to cousins of mine like shit in the news And they'll be like huh? I feel like their gender fluid like what do like, what's this? And I'm like, they, you know, L or A-A, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it That is so fucking funny Tom. The whole language is defined on male and feminine traits for objects. Everything. The whole language is masculine feminine. So the fact that you would define yourself that doesn't exist in their language.

Well, that whole thing, that term came out, I feel like last year, maybe the year before, but it certainly came, became more in the pop culture in the States was Latinx, you know, you've seen Latinx. Is it a new brand new tissues? You've never heard of Latinx? No. Is it when you blow your nose like this? L-A-T-I-N-X, you know, Latinx. Yeah. That is a general newsroom instead of saying Latino or Latina, so refer to people of Latin America and cultural identity, you replace the A or O with an X to show that it's not, you know, leaning one way or the other. And yeah, it's funny though, because if you go to like Latin America and try to guess

that someone's non-binary. Well, first of all, I don't think you can find anyone really using that word down there. It's more like Latin Americans here using that term here. It has nothing to do with sex. It's American or right? I'm Latin. Oh, it's just. sex. It's American or rate rat. I'm like, two minutes. Okay. It's general neutral.

Yeah. What did I say today? The beard is spanks for men. It's all this. Someone said something about my beard. Wait, so that blows my mind that I wonder what other languages just, I mean, I'm sure like a lot of Slavic languages are like, huh? Oh my god, uh, Christina's hair, that those people, those fucking animals, do not, but they fucking shut down gender studies at the university.

The prime minister did was like, uh-uh, we're not studying that here. He stands, you said, that's all you need to know. They also fucking they they They I'm very fine to Coca Cola They hungry find it Coca Cola Coca Cola

Coca Cola Coca Coca Coca-Hung hungry and they find them Okay, so Coke I will hungry I was barely comfortable with the guy putting the bottle in his mouth let alone Coat use the same sex couple in an advertisement and in Hungary they were like yeah, we don't play that shit here It's 2020.

No. So. They were like, you have to pay a fine for first objecting our population to this. Oh my God. So what does this say? They received a fine of of how much is it? Jesus so they're like give us two grand

You're the name of their country suggests there they are without Fuck give us two grand for making us look at those gaze They're making a coke there is I do I do notice like I like I said To this day I can't how I can't help it but sometimes if I see two guys kiss I go He like I know I'm not like I know I'm not just like Yeah, and so I'll see commercials sometimes where I go, where I'll, I won't notice it until like, I've seen the commercial a couple of times.

And then you go, well, there's two girls in the water about to make out. Yeah. And I'm like, and I go, that's got of outrage, some people, outrage people in this country. Some, sure, yeah. I mean, you see it, you know what, people are savvy with obviously in marketing and advertising.

Now you see anything that's a vacation, vacation commercial, whether it's, you know, saying come to this island or whether it's where the aviation company that will take you or use Expedia, they all now will show same-sex couples. Because they'll be like, oh, they vacation too. So they'll just do it, but I'm sure there's people watching who are just like, that home, it's like shaking their heads like, but two guys are just gonna board a flight together. You guys are just gonna get on a plane and just getting a chest deep water on a sunset.

And just eat and fuck together all week. Their girls better be underwater sucking their dicks yeah yeah yeah spark up my dad's doing that thing now where he's like like you'll see that and he goes see I don't mind that like I don't know why you point it out well you know it's two guys yeah that's unbothered me doesn't bother me all. I'm just gonna keep talking about it. I'm just talking about it. I'm talking about, you know, I'm uncomfortable. Okay. He still does that where he's like,

if we're out here walking around and there's two guys holding hands, he'll go. I'm like, dude, I see it. And he's like, you see those two guys? see it and he's like You see those two guys I guess he's like they're gay. I'm like I know They 70 I don't know I was with my dad and Two gay guys were walking towards this one. We live back on Detroit Street Yeah, and two guys are walking on the street. I'm walking my dad and my dad goes I think it was, buddy check this out

And I was like yeah, see it and he goes he goes is it bad that I just assume they're gay because the way they look And I go dad is it bad that I sure they assume work gay and he goes whoa Do you think I'd have sex with you and I was like I think it's the other way around you old fuck Do you think you know you think you scored? Yeah. You're the fucking money bags man. Yeah, Jesus Christ. I did it with my sister though, like because people think that we're married because we

got a hot spin class all the time. Who do you go with Annie? Yeah. So, I will always, she does it too, so people don't think we're fucking, I think it's just gross as you out, I think people would fuck you. Yeah, yeah. You're a fucker sister. Yeah.

But what do you do? Like they'll say like, do we have any married couples in here today? I'm like, brother and sister. And they're like, well, we don't need to say that. But what I get, we don't- You're like, which one make it clear though? You just want to make it clear.

Do they, uh, I don't mind, that's a horrible fucking topic to bring up. What? Oh, nothing. Do you have, ha ha what oh nothing do you have Do you We're going double dates with her like when you were younger Annie yeah, like no, I mean like she's that with a guy You know she only dated a couple like she's she any was never like She dated this one all the guys she dated with Dix really fucking real Dix

Okay What nothing I gotta be careful what are you saying they don't look like us? She dated she dated a guy she dated a guy guy who was coast coast to recon Yeah, it's always a fucking con he was straight up caught like a legit fucking cunt and But it was funny because she was like I'm dating a coast to recon guy and we're like oh, yeah cool Mm-hmm, you know grow up in Florida. I don't think you ever like nothing was ever Mentioned about anything in a racial dating. It was just kinda, I mean, maybe in some parts of Florida, but mostly in Florida, it was not a big deal at all. Really?

In Tampa, I mean, anyway, the guy shows up at the airport and he's not Costa Rican, he's just a black guy. And my dad goes, he's black, he's not Costa Rican, he's black. He could've be a black Costa Rican. But this before, anyone knew that Costa Rican guys could all, like, the amount of black people. I didn't know, I didn't know I was the weekend or

Should have you fucking out You said you said this is before anyone knew But you remember when like you were like Sammy Sosa you're like I thought he's a black guy and you're like no No, he's Puerto Rican. You're like he'sosa, you're like I thought he's a black guy and you're like, no, no, he's Puerto Rican You're like he's Dominican. He's whatever he is He's not anymore now and not anymore. He's that he's Michael Jackson now fucking Sammy Sosa has gone off the deep end Completely fully fucking you see the picture of him. Yes. What is that? That's what dude. Oh my God. Yeah, he, look at the picture of him as the Joker.

He is fully, fully lost his mind. So is that, there's like a pill you can take to get wider. I mean, he must be getting laser treatment, right? Like it's got, you can't. Do you think, do you think is it possible that the picture on the left was just, who's using the Sun a lot? By the way, how funny would it been if he was as white as on the right just where his hat was?

I mean like if you look at this right here I mean I hate to say it but on the right clearly looks better, right? No, I like a better one left He looks insane He does look crazy with the fucking outfit. Wait, hit hit that one, hit that one, hit that one. No, above, above, yeah. Oh, he looks out of his fucking mind. Yeah, and how about the one there below

with the hat on the right? Man, I mean, he is 20 shades lighter. But look how smaller he is too. He's so much smaller because he's not using steroids anymore. Unbelievable man. I mean, is the claim too? Is he doing that thing where he's like, no, this just happened?

Like, I just woke up like this. Yeah, look how white his wife is. Yeah. Holy cow, that is just... It's crazy, but let's not stop and adjust his skin color his outfits are fucking ridiculous Yeah, he's he was everything about him is like it went off the deep. It's like Brittany. You seen Brittany lately. Do you follow her? They I think they edited out something I said about her on David's page show really She has been following her. Oh, yeah 100% and they the the the post where she's like yeah into the can

Hi, this is my Christmas tree and yeah, yeah circles and then Christmas tree You're like what the fuck someone take her phone away from her. She's really not doing well It's heartbreaking because I do I went to see Britney Spears with my sisters We got high and saw it was one of the coolest shows I bet she puts on a great show. Oh an amazing show I'd like to see Taylor Swift. I bet you put it on a great show. Oh, an amazing show. I'd like to see Taylor Swift. I'd like to see Katie. Lady Gaga Taylor Swift and Katy Perry.

Yeah. Those are probably the bit. Like, honestly, if I can see any band, I don't care about Pearl Jam. I don't care about like, I'd like to see Run the Jewels. But I'd also like to see Katy Perry. You do want to see Katy Perry? Hardcore.

Why? Katy's fucking beautiful. She is beautiful. But she's got a great voice. I'm sure she has a great show. Like, really? This is like Why? He's fucking beautiful. She's beautiful. But she's got a great voice. I'm sure she has a great show. Like really? This is like, this is what something you really wanna do.

Oh, I'd go see Taylor Swift, Katy Perry, Lady Gaga. Okay, Rankett, who'd you wanna see first? I think this. I think the show that would be like the most, well, I guess they would all put on kind of like a theatrical show. Who would I want to see the most out of those three? I guess I'd probably go with Lady Gaga.

I'd Lady Gaga would have to be fucking amazing. Then I go tell her to wife, then I go Katy Perry. Okay, I mean, you don't have to shit on Katy like that. Jesus, you brought her up. Okay, I'll start with Katy then. Okay. God. She's hot. She's crazy as a fucking shit house rat.

So yeah. I hate that if like right now, Sammy Sosa's in a car driving on a road trip with Katy Perry and they're like, what the fuck, turn this off? There's probably a high probability that's like, Katy Perry in a heart. Would that be your first like interest of like romantic interest of the three? Katy Perry, I think Lady Gaga would exhaust me.

I think she's a lot of high maintenance. Yeah. I think Lady Gaga would exhaust me. I think she's a lot of high maintenance. Yeah. I think creatively. I think like, she's one of those, I feel like she's one of those girls that like, she'd be the one to give you notes on your act. Oh. The other ones would be like, you're just funny, I like it.

Lady Gaga would be like, we should really break down. Taylor Swift wouldn't watch my act. Katy Perry would watch my act and give me notes. Katy Perry would love my act. She would love it. I think she would laugh. And Lady Gaga would be like, I don't know. I mean, like, why are they sure, why are they always the sure off? Why not six shirts put on more shirts? Yeah. Why not? But dazzle your chest like a rhinestones, you know? I'm thinking about doing that. Yeah. For special gates. I can't, man, I can't stop looking at this nose hair ears. It's the eye eye hair right here. No the one over here. It's stick. Yeah right there. You see my eye

You're lucky eye hair. Where is it now? Oh? My god, how does that not bother you? Oh, it drives me fucking nuts take it out No, no, no, no, no the OCD is a lot easier to deal with than I'm not gonna rather have the lucky eye I take it out. What why? Fuck dude, I take my good luck from me. That's not good luck. I know I had a spiritual healer come to visit me What yeah, we had a we bought the new house and we are late. Gaga Yeah, that's part of the lady Gaga that I connect with who she came and visited the house and then

Did a say aunts in the house and like cleared the house and then did a say-ons in the house and like clear the energy and Then it's a hundred fifty bucks to clear the energy and then I said it on stage last night It's a hundred fifty bucks a pop if she notices darkness in you And let's just say no one doesn't get notices dark like no one no one looks at him like no You're actually good. I don't need your hundred fifty bucks everyone's like whoa yeah she does look to me she goes you have cancer inside you oh my god I was like all right hundred fifty bucks get it out let's do it yeah fucking forked over the cash she was like it was really crazy it was really crazy because you know obviously like Ariana or fine are fine, we're fine.

Yeah. But Lance still doesn't like him. Of course. And he's not a likable person. Especially if you hate him. Yeah. And so the lady goes, lady says to me, you had an enemy do something really bad to you.

This is, by the way, we're sitting at the pool table in the new house, right? And I'm just like, I'm like, let's get the cancer out first and then we'll talk about this shit. She's like, no, no, no, no, someone did something to a front of your family. And I'm like, all right, now part of me is like,

she could have Googled, she could have Googled Ari, right? She could have Googled her, or found out a little bit about me, but like, I need this $150, Berkreicher, Roof Eat, all right. I got it. So then and I go and Leanne's like are you gonna talk about this and I was like no, I said Supposed something did happen what's and she goes you're You're holding on to a lot of that energy. You're holding on to a lot of it And it's making you crazy and I was like oh my fucking god like I'm definitely had issues with trust a little bit yeah and then she's like uh

she said something about him in this house and the house was owned by a very prominent Jewish couple the house we bought yeah and so she I mean that's cool there's there's rabbis they still left all the pictures of the rabbis up because thought we were Jewish. I think that's why they sold it to us. And I know so they get like you want these and we're like You're like I'm German Yeah, burn the backyard I Just mad you guys liked this show. And so, so, she is done. She does some more readings about Ari and basically widdles it.

I mean, Albut says his name perfectly. Albut says his name perfectly. Albut says his name perfectly, perfectly. And I was like, and she was like, she was actually, she said, your karma is attached to his karma. She said, you need to forgive him so he can be clear. She goes, he doesn't hate you. But whatever he, whatever made him do that, you and him can be okay as long as you forgive him.

And I went, okay, and Leanne's like, wait, that's not what I fucking spayed you for. Leanne's like, I thought we fucking get rid of this guy forever. And I threw a couple names her way of people I thought might be enemies to try to throw her off for trail. She's like, no, she's like, no, he's nobody. And I was like, really? And the guy is nobody, literally a nobody.

And then another guy, I think I know what you're talking about. And then we were talking about him right before. Another guy and she goes, he's gonna disappear. And this guy actually just disappeared. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll, like you paid someone to make him disappear. No, no, no.

You weren't a text threat about it the other day. Here, here, here, I got it. And so these are all my enemies. You weren't a text threat about it the other day here here. I got it um and so These are all my enemies. I mean people oh Yeah, she's like he's gonna disappear really yeah, she's gonna disappear and and Leanne's like oh We already kind of already has and then you literally disappeared and then oh And then I said Ari and she goes is that person an issue for you to what that person was an issue for you to oh hard fucking Core and then what she said she said Ari is name or you you throw the ice I said I said Ari did you point out one of the rabbi photos like looks like this guy and she went yes

She goes he's not a bad guy. He's not a bad guy. I went really she goes no and he's bad He has bad karma attached to him and I was like oh yeah, he does like I always thought Ari's childhood must have been rough Yeah, just it's like his dad survived the fucking Holocaust to him and I was like, oh yeah he does. Like I always thought Ari's childhood must have been rough. Yeah. Just, it's like his dad survived the fucking Holocaust. I can't imagine there was like a well-roundedness about, you know, food or leaving food on your plate or like, I can't imagine how tough that must have been. And so she goes, you need to clear his karma for him.

And I was like, okay, I was like, how do I do that? She goes, you need to forgive him. And I was like, I'm forgiving him. She was like, I don't think you have. You need to really forgive him. And I really, I don't want, okay. And then she cleared out the cancer of my stomach. They said I would get one, I was 60. And then she told me I had prostate cancer

and she cleared that out too for another 150 bucks. And then we were all straight. Yeah, nice. Yeah. Well, Chris, I think there's a darkness within me. Um, I wonder if, uh, if, um, that's actually true. Oh, for real? Oh, I get the spiritual healer to your house. Really? I wonder if that's actually true. Oh, for real? Oh, I get the spiritual hero to your house.

Really? Why don't we bring them to your new house, the $15 million house we bought. And have her clean your house. Our name is Ava, Christina would fucking love her. You think so? I guarantee you, Christina would fucking love her. Georgia had her come and the lady said to Georgia,

I'll save her for the act. What the heck did you want to talk about 50 cent and Floyd about? Wait, because we're doing all these reads. Did you see the 50 cent? He's a savage. Did you see the call out he did to Floyd Mayweather? He's, I know he's done a bunch. I didn't know he did a more recent one. The ice bucket challenge one recently I don't know if it was recent and made me laugh so hard. He said can you can we play a video clip on here? Type in 50 cent fluid may weather ice bucket challenge

Yeah, it I 50 cent I didn't know he was this fucking funny. He's hilarious He's also brutal. He is brutal. Yeah I love 50s that yeah Go ahead look at the computer computer say Florida say fuck to you fuck Nelly fuck 50. fuck 50. I'm gonna say fuck me, for. Nellie, fuck to your first baby, my Melissa. Then took your fucking fiasc, say fuck that nigga. This is a special A.S.L.E.L.S. challenge for you, Floyd.

If you can be one full page of a Harry Potter book, nigga. I'll give 750,000 to whatever charity organization you want to fuck the bucket ice fuck off man wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait I love us! Wait, you gotta read his Instagram post about it because he puts down the rules No stopping, no fuck off! You gotta read the full page out loud! Holy shit! Holy shit! Is this another thing he did? What's the other one?

It's the other one, Let's get the wrong Jimmy Kimmel Jimmy said. I don't call for my man Jimmy Kimmel Jimmy said. If Lordy says the challenge, then he'll put it on the actual show. So you can read it on the show. We don't want to be pressure on you. We know you can't pronounce those words in that Harry Potter book. So we're going to let you read Kat and the hat. He's got a hilarious. He is.

He is so funny. Dude, I mean, half the, anyone that he gets involved with, like if he's mad at you, it's overdue. How does he, what, like, what do you think stirs him? Definitely not paying him. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

He got that, uh, that, remember that dude that was, uh, he's a producer and he owed 50 money. Who young buck? No, no, no, this is a producer, a movie producer, a white guy. And he owed 50 money and he was texting him and in the texting he called him fofty because he was texting and he was putting screen grouse up. So they're like, please fofty don't hurt me. He was terrified. That dude was fucking terrified.

How much time do you think Floyd's or a 50 cents spends on his phone today a lot a lot just non-stop. Yeah, yeah, but he's fucking savvy man He knows what he's doing. Dude. He's so fun. He makes me laugh so hard. Dude when he he he goes after what's that lady's name? The oh that host that TV show Wendy Williams. Oh, yeah Do you want to want to listen to ourcer? Our co-stars. He did? That's his own show. When I put one of his power co-stars and she like was like, you know, this kind of hurts. Like he made a comment about her hair line. That doesn't surprise me. Did you see I read one

time on Twitter? It said from 50s then it said, all joking aside, I do believe Floyd Mayweather is one of the best, is the best fighter that's ever been and ever will be. Now can someone please read this to the champ? Yeah, 50 said is fucking hilarious. That's the best, that's the best IG account to follow. If you want to laugh, it's just follow 50. Dude, I just had a moment yesterday where it was, I just like this, where, Ellis is four, he just turned four. And I'm pulling out of the driveway

and he wants this 10 of like mix, I'm not giving you that. And he's like, he's like, put in a cup. I got to go. All right, I'll give you a few in a cup. So there's a cup of tea that was used for tea, and I go to open the door to dump it out. And when I dump it out, I didn't realize that it was,

you know, when they double-cup it. So when I went to dump out the tea, the cup that was inside fell out. And as it hit the ground, I go perfect. Because like, I fucked up, right? I'm in a mess and he goes perfect. He starts laughing, he goes, it's not perfect. And I was like, oh, he just puts it together

that I'm saying, he knows what the word perfect means. And I said it for a mistake. Yeah. So he laughed. He laughed like, he was like, why would you say, basically was saying like, why would you say, basically, why would you say perfect if you fucked up? And I was like, oh, he's actually laughing

because he's putting together that this doesn't make sense. But it was such a great moment that he, I saw him register it. He's like, that's not perfect. You fucking idiot. It's one of the beautiful things about kids is they don't understand. There's a moment where they start shifting when they realize they're funny and then they wanna be funny.

Yeah. And you're like, oh, what made you funny was you weren't trying to be funny. Right. And the thing is, like, it's a lot about your comedy is like, you're not trying, like, I don't know what line you fucking said last night, but it was, you weren't, you're not like,

it's what I like about your standup is you're not overtly like out there sweating and like running around, you're just funny, you found a way to be funny without trying to be funny. Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which I am trying though, obviously. Obviously, it's not working all the time,

but no, it doesn't work a lot. But Ila was when she was young, when she wasn't trying. Yeah, but now what's great is like Eilah is oblivious to the fact that she's a little bit of a like, I guess someone overheard the, God, Eilah is in eighth grade and the sixth graders came off. Yeah. And they're like, Eilah, Eilah, we have a question. And I guess Eilah looked at him and goes, Uh, we have a question and I guess I'll look to him and goes, uh, if you're gonna ask questions, refer to me as God. And these kids are like, okay, but she wasn't trying to be, she was like,

like, I'm an eighth grader, I've got this on fucking lock. Yeah, yeah. And I could not stop laughing. This hilarious fucking idiot. It's like, refer to me as God. It's so funny. It is so funny. To see them discover the new parts of their personality,

well, is Ellis more like you or like push? He's definitely a snarky fucking think he's gonna be I'm Putting them bets down that he's gonna be a fucking asshole I see it all the time is he's sweet one who needs to be or wants to be and have things like Fuck out of here man, like yeah He gets it yesterday in there, he's four. We're dry. I think he went from school.

And he's like, go. And I go, it's a red light. And he goes, the fucking cars. And I go, hey. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I go, where'd you hear that? And he goes, from me. I go, no, no, where'd you hear it?

We all heard it. What the fuck? Clean this shit out of your ass, dad. He goes, from me, I go, where did no, where do you hear it? We all heard it. What the fuck, clean this shit outta here, is dad. He goes from me. I go, where did you hear it? He goes, my stomach. And I go, all right. Like, what kind of fucking...

Yeah, I go, I don't know what you're going with there. He's like, let's go. I go, there's a car. Yeah, like you're a cab, right? Yeah. Take the 101, God damn it, go down and Jura. And then he goes, damn it. I go, hey, hey, hey. He's am it good. I'm in juror and then he goes damn it. I go hey Hey, he's fucking four

You're damn it fucking cars I'm like, dude, don't pass me in the back of your car. He's always I just barking shit at us Yeah, and then the the Julian's so sweet. I mean, and you can see Julian's only like 17 months But the difference between him at 17 months and Ellis at 17 months is I mean, and you could see, Julian's only like 17 months, but the difference between him at 17 months and Ellis at 17 months is, I mean, night and day. Really? Oh, I mean, Ellis was like grabbing shit, breaking shit. And if you were like, no, he was like, yes.

Like, we just do it and look at you as he did it and you're like, God damn it. And then Julian, you're like, no, he's like, okay. Like, hey, my man, you're gonna be like, oh yeah, yeah, I didn't know I was supposed to do that. Mom, dad, Ellis, do some stuff in there. And you already cleaned it up. I just wanted to let you know.

We wrote a letter to Santa with Ellis. And I go, what do you want? He's like, I want a yellow race car, and I want that, and I go, okay, and I go, what do you want to get for, which we ask Santa for your brother? He goes, nothing. And I go, I think we should ask Santa to bring him something. He goes, and I go I think we should ask him to bring him something he goes only for me

And I go and he goes and nothing for my parents and I go What and he goes only presence for me. I don't want anyone else to get presents I go that's kind of selfish and he goes that's what I want Like okay, oh This dialed in the rear. Yeah. And I was like, okay. Oh, shut the fuck up. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, so he's more like, he's,

because you, you, I, by the way, I said this to you last night, I didn't realize push was the evil one in the relationship. So much more evil. I had no idea. Was she, does she lay in bed and just concoct plans? I don't know. She, um, she accuses me of having an evil mind. It's not you. I just feel like she's your her henchman. Yeah. You are himmler. She's Hitler. Yeah.

You are the one that's like, I'll carry out the plans. Birds fat. And she's in bed going, yeah, check his teeth. Check his teeth. Ah, check his teeth. She's like she goes She's fucking obsessed with my fucking teeth. She goes what she goes. What's going on with his teeth? I got her and she goes I'm gonna ask him to send a picture with her He's not gonna send you a picture The text but the text was like she was like I am trying to tell like she was Diabolical. Oh, yeah, I'll read the text exactly what she said

She wrote... She wrote... Tell me if this is a diabolical. Can you please send me a picture of your teeth? I'm trying to tell Tom, they're not that bad. By the way, it's her, it's her. It's her. She's her. It's her. She's the one that's convinced in her head

that because I have money, I have to have perfect teeth. And then I wrote, sure thing. Send me the address of your new house and I'll send you over a picture of my chompers. And then she sent over a house that was $15 million. And I went, cool. And then I sent her a picture of my teeth Photoshop And then she wrote open your mouth right now and take them take it not Photoshop

Let me see your teeth. No, I'm looking away. I can see them for me. Yeah, that's what they look like Just let me see why I mean there's I'm not gonna add this to the list of fucking things This racist yuck mouth And then I'm just been fucking 50 grand to get my teeth fixed you have it. I don't get a hashtag burnt fix your teeth Don't be going back to ninth grade when I used to laugh like this. Did you? Oh dude, I had really bad teeth. Wait, what do you mean? Like I hit them out of the baseball bat when I was 11.

So it shattered 26 of my teeth. For saying something racist, why did somebody hit you? Why did somebody hit you with a baseball bat? Was my dad didn't like talking back? No, I was a catcher, it was ball. There's a third I picked it up Want to make it worse my 11th birthday Throw the ball down to third throw the kid out of third and the kid in the batter's box trying to break up the play Brought the bat back to hit me in the face hit me in the teeth shattered all my front teeth and all my back teeth

And so wait what's real of these fake teeth? All everything's fake, everything's fake. Your whole mouth is fake. Pretty much. There's like one or two teeth left in there, but not many. And then obviously like, So are these all veneers?

No. Everything's either a veneer, a bond, or a crown. What's interesting though is that it's so diverse because I see different colors. Like I see, yeah, I know. So how do the veneers shift? The center one in the bottom is a, I fell off a tube and I knocked from this one over all these and all these out and all my buddy we chose had.

My teeth were stuck in his head. But there's just crowns and the poles, like there's poles in there, There's like posts. So this is, so I don't understand. I thought the worst thing the world. I thought that veneers are supposed to just look like regular teeth and they never discolor. Why do you have different colors? Some because they're different teeth and they got broken knocked out at different times. By the way, some of them are from ninth grade and some of them are from like grade and some of them are from Like college. Oh, yeah, it's done different times. Yeah, just I just have the whole thing redone I was thinking about it, but I was thinking about it But honestly, I was like not that I don't care, but I really don't like it's not like a big issue

It's not up on the fucking list of things. I don't notice it like I notice it at times Like I'll be done that honestly when we did that the poster, I was like, just make them all the same color, because I don't, it was distracting. Yeah. The gold, sir. You have gold. I've gold and do the worst is like my real teeth are fucking horrible.

And then you can see those everywhere. I'm like, like any picture of my mouth, I am not showing you that. No, but I'm saying, so there are, like in my way back, uh huh, back to, oh. Yeah, I know. And I'm grinding my teeth

so they're grinding down to nothing and I have a fucked up jaw so my jaw goes like this as opposed to like this right so it goes like this so as I bite these it's my my teeth what did you do gold gold it's like old school fifth grade they put gold in your mouth gold teeth in my mouth at fifth grade. They put gold in your mouth? Gold teeth in my mouth at fifth grade. Fifth grade? Those are your molars. Those are my molars. It was, why did they do gold?

They put in silver at first and then I think in like seventh grade, they went to gold. So I gold up to here for a long time. And then, and I just, I never noticed it. I never, it was never really like on my my radar because my front teeth were so fucked up that like I was Super self-conscious of them and then when I got my whole all my I and by the way, I didn't even get them done Like there was I look at pictures. It's so fucking weird because I got like four done at first and four done in the bottom So then I had fucked up teeth on the sides, but I had four teeth.

It was so weird looking. And then in ninth grade, I got like, I got the front six and the bottom six done. Yeah. And then in college, I got, they traded out the golds for white ones. And so like they're all different teeth. And I've had a lot of dental work done.

You have no idea. I used to sit in a dentist's office in in that's why you don't want to go back to do it You've done it. I'm fucking done. I've I've I've had a set of dentists I used to sit in a dentist's office from eight in the morning until 5 p.m And just dental work the entire time. Jesus. Yeah, now I feel like we shouldn't bully you for this dental thing I push was fucking so aggressive at this party She's like show me your teeth show me your teeth my sisters are like super sensitive to it because they they grew up with it They grew up with it and I was like no, I'm gonna show you my teeth and she's like Give me a picture of those teeth. They're disgusting. They're disgusting. I'm like. Yeah, I know I got I was like

She's like yeah, yeah, they're gross. Why don't you just get them fixed? And I'm like, because I've fucking been doing teeth shit my whole life. And your sisters are like- My sisters are just like, they're like, you can see them like, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme I said this to someone the other day, but like Everything that everything fucks with is always in my head on some other level in my life Yeah, my dad if I gain weight my dad is so aggressive about it like he's like Well, I mean what's going on? What's going on with this, you know like so did he see you at the end of October? so At the end of November, when I shot my special,

it was the skinniest I've ever been. I was two, 20, probably, two, 15. I was skinny, but still fat. If you looked at the special, you saw me right around the time. I was still fat. You look great. I gotta tell you,

the end of October, you looked the best I've ever seen. I think it's because my face was not as bloated as it is now. Yeah. And so, but what happened was, my parents come in, this is one of those things where you don't realize what you're saying, and then you say it, and everyone your family is like,

so my, I go, my parents. Wait, what is this? This is right after I shoot my special. Okay. So I go, my parents are at my sister's house, and I was like, hey guys, come on, let's go. We're gonna go over to see Nana Papa. And the girls were like, oh, can we just go tomorrow night? And I was like, hey guys, come on, let's go. We're gonna go over to you, Nana Papa. And the girls were like, oh, can we just go tomorrow night?

And I was like, no, no, no, because I'd woken up early in that morning and I had not drank the night before. And I had fallen asleep early and I didn't eat dinner. And so I woke up hungry, but I didn't eat. I was still fasting and I worked out. And we're feeling skinny. Went to hot spin, I'm feeling skinny. And then I'm like, you know what I'm gonna see my dad,

I'm gonna get on the treadmill and do another round of weight, you know like yeah, and I'm feeling good But I'm starving right it's like four o'clock I'm like let's go over there. We'll go over there and they're like oh I will go later and I was like no I'm hungry. Let's go now and they're like no We don't even want to go at all and let's go tomorrow and I was like we can't go tomorrow And we go to because we're doing something else tomorrow and then we have to go on Thanksgiving And I don't want to go on Thanksgiving and then I like that But we don't want to go and I just came out of my mouth and I go hey right now's the time my dad gets to see me skinny

So let's go right fucking now and they're like Huh and I was like this if he sees me skinny then I don't have to deal with this all fucking Thanksgiving And I can do whatever the fuck I go one I can eat what I want But he needs to see me skinny so that I got him a good week. I'm like my wife's like honey honey You need to calm the fuck down and I was like what what what's going on? I didn't even realize I was like honey honey you need to calm the fuck down and I was like what what what's going on I like I didn't even realize I was saying it my dad needs to see me skinny. It was like so did you go see him? I went by myself And did he say oh first thing you said you look fucking amazing and I was like

I go I can't I can have a drink now. I can have something to eat no one's gonna be like You know, you don't need that you don't need that. You don't need that. You don't want to sit. Put that down. Put that down. Yeah. If he saw you in September, I bet he would have been like, oh, he saw the picture. He saw the picture of me at the theater when I was like, at the end of September,

at the end of October. Right before, oh, and out. If he had seen me in September, he would have, dude, he did. He'd see me. Do you remember, was it the first two bears? The first two bears one cave that we did, where you showed up and I was like,

you looked rough. What was this? If you pull up, can you pull up the first one? I thought it was the first one, where we sat down, yeah, it was the first one. Cause you're like, I don't wanna drink and I had the drink pulled out for you. Um, that, yeah, that's more Hannah brought the drinks. Oh, Hannah's thoughts. She's my husband, teacher. Oh my God. You look bigger there. My face, it's like

my, my gain weight in my face. So fucking easily. But I was thinking, I thought he was wearing white, like a white shirt. Maybe his episode too. Oh, it's probably upside-2. Yeah, maybe his episode too. Um. The beard though, I gotta be honest with you, I might start trimming my beard up, because your beard looks good and you look skinnier with your beard like this.

Definitely. And I did not do this for my special. I just saw the beginning of the cut and I was like, oh fuck, I should have trimmed my beard. Why is it just look bushy? What it does is that it makes your face, your all my already fat face look bigger. So you look heavier with a bushy beard.

Oh yeah, I trimmed mine a little bit, but not too much. I fucked up my big Looks like hey when you did when you did your special and you were sick. Yeah bother you. Oh, yeah really? Oh, yeah, did you think that did you think that people wouldn't like it because you had a cold? I it was just so bothersome and right after this when you put down that I had to do a sniff at it. What's a sniff at it? I'll tell you in a second. Okay. Being sick for disgraceful was such a depressing, horrible feeling and experience.

I mean, you've been sick on the road. And there's this whole thing where you're like, maybe you're a few months out from taping, you're like, all I want to do is be healthy for that week. I was so obsessive that it actually kind of fucked my head up Dude because I was getting sick when I was about to tape it and I just Loaded up with vitamin C. I went to bed. I didn't booze the whole fucking week terrible. It was terrible I remember that I had um I had a I was gearing up and I was gonna do something I I remember that I had a, I had a, I was gearing up and I was going to do something. I did Denver for the special the night before I was in Oakland. And the night before that, I was somewhere.

And then the night before that, I had added a club date, Brea. I just want to run it there. And I remember when I was going down, I was like, I'm getting sick right now. Should I cancel just rest tonight, but I didn't. You go down there and do the show and then get on the plane, go to Oakland. I was like, fuck man, I'm remember being backstage and I called my travel people. And I was like, I have a flight to fly to Denver the next day. I go, like, get me a later flight.

I need to rest. I need to be in bed, so I need to sleep in. And I just was like praying that sleeping in would make me better or something, you know? No, no, fucking, of course not. And then I ended up being there, and I just knew I was sick and what happened was, I couldn't breathe, I was congested. So before we shoot, I'm back to it. I'm like, what should I, I mean, you know, I know I was sick and what happened was, I couldn't breathe, I was congested.

So before we shoot, I'm back to it. I'm like, what should I, I mean, you know, I know I'm sick, I know I gotta get a power through this. But to make me feel better, I sprayed in my nose. I use the nasal spray, opens you up, well, my nose starts running. So I'm sitting there, and I'm not aware of it because you're so lost in your performance, but when I watch it, I'm not aware of it because you're so lost in your performance.

But when I watch it, I'm like, hey, see you, you know how, and I keep doing a sniff. And if you watch it, there are some in there. We had to do a pass of editing out sniffs. You serious? Yeah, because I was with the sound mixer. And he was like, playing it for me. I go, are you gonna leave all these sniffs in? I was like, it sounds like the fucking sniff special. And he's like, playing it for me, I go, are you gonna leave all these sniff in?

I was like, it sounds like the fucking sniff special. And he's like, he's like, oh, I didn't, I go, you gotta like eliminate. Could they edit out the sniff? What they do is they just drop the sound. And that would not happen. Because it's real quick. And it's like, as I'm like,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, like that. So they just started to eliminate them. So they left some in because it's like almost impossible to eliminate every single one. That's so interesting. It was fucking rough, man. Really? So did you, when you put that special out,

were you confident about it, were you like, fuck. Well, when I saw what they, because it is amazing what they can do, they, when I saw the pass after he did the edit, I was like, oh, this works. But I remember even I got some S people were like, hey, you're sniffing.

Oh, yeah, I know. You think I'm not aware of that? They're like, were you sick? Yes. So, but yeah, I mean, it's horrible. It is horrible to feel like that at a taping. Oh, I was just this time. I was like, I mean, I just started the week

loading up on stuff. I was even sick and I was like, I mean, I just started the week loading up on stuff. I was even sick and I was like, don't touch me. Don't be a Josh was with me and I was like, he had like a little cough. I was like, fucking stay away. We put masks on him. Like my mom. Yeah. My mom was with the girls and we're like, we're going to Cleveland. Can you come out and fly out with the girls? She's like, yeah, of course and so my nephew Teddy gets the stomach virus Yeah, and Leanne says to my mom she goes, hey, do me a favor don't go over there

Because if you find out with the girls, we don't want you to get sick and she was like, I'm not going over there at all I promise and she went over there for a fucking full day. Yeah, stayed him with the stomach flu. And then flew out to Cleveland and I was living. Beyond living. I think it was probably the, I've never really been mad at my mom and I'll get mad at my mom. I was so mad. I was so, I was so let down.

I was like, it was like, is this super important to me? Like why wouldn't you, why wouldn't you prioritize me in this moment as opposed to like, you'll see him when we get back. He's sick too, you could get sick. He's like, oh, I won't get sick. And I go, yeah, but if you do,

then I can't see my daughters. And I had to quarantine myself into a room. It was crazy the amount of stress that goes into a special. It is, you actually feel euphoria afterwards because you don't realize how much stress you're under. You know you're under stress but your body goes like two days later. Oh my God, I was like floating, you know, because you're done with the pressure.

It's a big pressure. I mean, then obviously I'll do another special if anyone wants me to do a special, I'll do a special, but like I wish there was another way to do it. I want to shoot like a documentary and have this special in the documentary or something. You know, like shoot it over time where you get, like the idea, like when he did that one. So brilliant.

That was great. Or just do seven shows, do a full weekend somewhere. Yeah. Like, you know, be on the bus and just go, we're shooting it to seven different places. Makes sense, my Chris Rock did those, that one special in South Africa, England, and New York. But it's only, it's jarring to what?

The thing that he should have done, somebody pointed this out and I think they're right. What the mistake, I think, in looking back on that, is that he would cut between them but then back and forth between them. I think if he had done like a third, a third, and then just left the last third, so you just go like,

but it was like, you would go from like, Johannesburg to Brooklyn to London, to Joe London, to Johannesburg, and you're like, it's two. It's two jarring. Yeah, I think so. I think, I don't know. Because it was also like a flex in a way, right? I mean, I get it.

He was just like, I mean, I can just do this everywhere. It's weird to not flex. Yeah, like, because I did mind in a smaller theater than I'm normally playing Yeah, but I was like and and Joe Koi was like dude I want you to do like a 3000 cedar yeah, I was like cuz I want I like the smaller venue and it's more intimate And he was like I think you should do it in a stadium, bro And I was like what he's like I'll help you man. We'll put it together. We'll figure it out I was like I appreciate it, but like I I

In my head I was like I think Joe thinks like it's all more tickets than I can. Joe's selling a lot of tickets. Dude. Yeah, Joe's doing proper arena shows. I mean in Australia he's doing like civic centers. Mm-hmm. Like it's fucking so really well. You see the yacht he had?

Yes, I saw that was a great promo. He's a great promo Yeah, you know what I was is that you were trying to figure out where he was also yeah And the reveal of the ocean you're like wait, what the fuck? Yeah, what about box jellyfish? Yeah He's on a fucking yacht. That's the need love to be a divorce dad. Oh Just what you got on yachts Just what you got on yachts? Dude, what's your second? What's your what's like your first girlfriend like after you divorce? You know what I wanted to do. I wanted to play a game where we pulled up pictures of our ex-girlfriends Yeah, and just kind of picked them apart

Probably not a good I like where your head's at, but I'll see you my first girlfriend yeah like girl girlfriend. I'm sorry to you. How long do you date her? A year? A year? Over a year maybe. Didn't take her virginity. This high school? Fucking talk like that. You were in high school with her? Yeah. She, uh, I think she, I think, I mean, she could say whatever she wants.

She was, she was younger than I was. I was 18, she was like 16, 15, 13, yeah. 13, 12, yeah. And this back by the way, when that was totally legal, I was 17, I was 17. That was never I guess legal, but it was like not, like her mom was school with it,

my parents were cool with it. Yeah. And then, but it was like not like her mom was cool with it my parents are cool with it Yeah And then and then was like one of my One of my really close friends all through High school through college all through New York when I moved to LA. I hung out with her a lot She's still I was still very very close with her. Yeah, you're all fine. You're a good picture. Yeah, so me a picture Okay, this one right here This was,

that was the, like my first girlfriend friend, yeah. Fucking hey. Yeah, I know, right? And she was younger than you? Yeah, younger. She still is. And you, yeah, she still is. She was like 15.

Is this her account? Yeah. See. Oh yeah. Yeah, she's gorgeous. I had a girlfriend. You didn't, but you didn't. No, never did because I don't know. I was, I was, I was, well, I guess she's a minor and everything. Yeah, well, no, but it's even like, I mean, people were having, back then, people were having sex at like 17-15.

That wasn't a big deal, but for me, it was because I just felt like I didn't think she was ready for it Even though I think she would probably say she was I didn't think she was and I was like and I knew I was going to college And I was like I'm not gonna be the guy that has sex with the chicken and goes off college and it dumps her Yeah, yeah, and then I'll show you the picture of the one after that. I did that Are you serious? Yeah This is the one after her this is the one after her. This is the one that uh, I should show you what this pig did. Hold on. This is the one that me and Mike Vekion both dated.

You both? Yeah, Mike Vekion was like her boyfriend in high school and I was a boyfriend in college. I remember being like, God, she scrubbed the internet at baller pictures. college. I remember being like, God, she scrubbed the internet at baller pictures. Who you got? That is the four worst pictures. That hurt. Someone in black face. I was like, what if I picked that up? This is hurt. This is the next one. This is number two. You This is... Number two. You dated her for a while? Yeah, for like five years. Five years?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something of my best friend. That's not her today. I'm sure she looks older, but I can't. She's like not on the internet. She's an actress, I think. She's not really on the internet. Or maybe she is.

I haven't, I haven't Googled, I did this with the animal time. I was like, yeah, it's Google like an x-boy friend See what they're up to and she googled him. It was his obituary. She's like, oh my god. He died last week I was like usually this is more fun Wait, let's see. I want to see if we can get Mike Hussin on the phone. Oh, I want why so I wanted to I want to hear what he thinks about Latinx Where's he live? Oh, yeah, kill him that pretty well. Come on, let's do this ¿Qué es la tínex? ¿Vos lo hablas? ¿Qué es la tínex? ¿Qué es la tínex?

¿Qué es la tínex? ¿Qué es la tínex? ¿Qué es la tínex? ¿Qué es la tínex? ¿Qué es la tínex? ¿Qué es la tínex? ¿Qué es la tínex? ¿Qué es la tínex?

¿Qué es la tínex? ¿Qué es la tínex? porque mi amigo está aquí, solo al inglés. Hola, me llamo Alberto, como está usted. Ok. Alberto, Alberto? Alberto. Sí, Alberto. La máquina. Bien, gordo y racista. Ok.

No, no, no. ¿Qué chiste, qué chiste? Ok. Ok. Latinx, Latinx, es un a word that they're using more here to Instead of saying latino or latina because that's masculine and feminine Latinx is gender neutral so there's no mention of masculine or feminine It's so that people don't have to feel like you're talking about a man or a woman when somebody could be neither

Yeah, okay, so it like a a Latin, a unisex Latin. A unisex Latin, yeah, but do they use that in Latin America? No. But wait, where do you live? Yeah, well, we live in Peru, but we don't use that. Oh, don't get stuck in Peru. Yeah, but what do you think of that term? Well, I think that term already exists.

Latinx? No, what is the same for Maricones? What? Magnus the ale. Wait, what do you mean? Well, you're saying a new term for defining someone to have the same sex. So, well, the same scene, you know? No, no, I'm saying this is like saying like...

Like, they're trying to say that when you say somebody like Latino or Latina, you're determining that they're either male or female. But if you use the term latinex, you're not making that distinction. So it's gender neutral. You know? This way you're not making the gender distinction. Okay. Do you think that that's...

Yeah, but it could work, but for what? Okay, do you think that that's that's You could say like like you could say I am a latinx Person and I live in I'm latinx instead of saying I'm latino So Trump can use it for example. I can expose all Latinx from the United States Those are the ones he probably take first All right, look buddy, I love you. I'll give you a call a little bit, okay? Okay, okay, wow he probably missed out on selling a bunch of jewelry while he took that phone call Her pottery potterier brugs, whatever he sells

He owns hotels real Shut up. Yeah, I didn't know the time ones he sells the souvenirs. Oh My god They already have a term for that. That was so great. He was trying to be diplomatic. Yeah, he was. I think they already have a term for that. They called that medical. So wait, he lives in Peru in Lima. Yeah, in Lima. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Part of the shining path.

I don't think so. No. My dad wouldn't let me go to Peru because Because the shiny path was shining up. It was a lot back in we were high school my buddy We chose from Peru and his and his mom's Provean you're my proven I wonder if your mom knew his mom probably not Yeah, I lived in Peru one summer. The shiny path was like tearing it up big time and there were bombs going off one time. They set off a bomb. They sent a taxi into a building with 2,000 pounds of dynamite. It was, I mean, miles away. And the window in this house

miles away and the window in this house came open and shattered from the shock of the explosion. Shut up. Did you ever hook up with any girls in Peru? No. No. No. Mm-hmm. Just fucking hung out with your cousins. Pretty nice. They look like. They look like this tall. No. I don't know what soccer balls. No. No. The arms are like this. They're just like, Oh, that was easy though. Trying to show you. Are they tall?

Nope, they're tall. No, they're not tall. I don't think there's a proven over 4.11. That yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, this is my gut. This is my gut. That's who I was just talking to. Oh my God.

He looks like a regular guy. But dude, let me hold on for a second. The Proveans I know don't look like this. Yeah, but look at me. Oh yeah, that's right. I mean, this is my cousin. Wait, hold on. Can I show you the Provean that I'm talking about?

I already know, but go ahead. Hold on, hold on, I know you don't know you don't. Hold on, I was like, hold on, I was like, I'm gonna find you. This is the Peruvian, my buddy, Wicho. This is his brother. And when I think of Peruvians, this is what I think of. Okay. Do you know the word Cholo? Yeah, no, I don't. You never heard that? Cholo. Yeah, it's like a Mexican gangmaker.

Right, but not down there, it's not. What is it down there? It's like the N word. Why'd you say it? Is it really? Yeah. I was saying that on stage. Up until my special, I was saying Cholo.

I didn't know that Cholo was like the Mexican N word. It only in certain countries. Really? Not in Mexico. Are you fucking serious? Yeah, it's really regional, you know. Dude, I got a lap dance from a girl to head, Cholita. That tattooed on her stomach. Yeah, yeah fucking It kind of means like a little brown person down there, you know, for real. Yeah

Shut the fuck up. Yeah, but it's not like Didn't come it's not as sweet as I just said it Dude, I wish I had a picture of this fucking guy my buddy. We chose Mother Brit is what exactly what I'm picturing. It's a fucking funniest guy. Drinking coffee at the age of 10. Like, he's just like, smoking cigarettes. Oh yeah, no, these guys, I mean, they were like, yeah, smoking cigarettes at 11.

So do they have any concept of what you do for a living? Yeah, totally. But do they have any idea of how successful you are? I mean, I don't know. They, I mean, they have Netflix. So, I mean, I have Netflix. I didn't realize you were successful. Well, I mean, I'm just saying, like, they, no, they all, I mean, they have Netflix. So, I mean, I have Netflix. I didn't realize you were successful. Well, I mean, I'm just saying, like they, no,

they all do on like really, I mean, he owns a chain of hotels. For real. His brother is a, like the head council for like the biggest corporation. So, how did you, why did you, why did you want him escape? Escape. Like, from the States, whatever you want to call it. I know there was a coup d'etat down there

No, my it was because that's what happened my buddy's family his dad was down there doing business as an American And they had an overthrow the government they kicked out all the Americans and he had to come back here Are you sure that was in Peru? Well, let's call him. Let's call him and you can use our Spanish to him This is a season your thing these days. So you have your exit plan. You're like, oh, things aren't working out here. Might meet to plan. You're meet to plan.

Now he's proven. I'll take care of this. Okay. What's his name? Weebe. Weecho. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You'll see. ¿Qué es su nombre? Wicho ¿Sí?

¿Sí? Hola primo, ¿cómo estás usted? Bien y tú Bien ¿Cuál es tu? Ahora ¿El tomacito de el gordito? Hey, hey, we're talking about Peru

¿Por qué es tu mamá? ¿Por qué tu mamá y tu mamá y tu mamá Hey, hey, we're talking about Peru. Why did your mom why did your mom and dad escape Peru? I have such a different story of your life in my head. You have a different story for everything in your head. Exactly, maybe that's what makes it so exciting. I mean, getting a job of Venezuela is not funny or... But I thought they sent you by night to Texas to like, escape the country. They did, but we were living in Venezuela. And they just wanted us to live in and In the US for a summer like they sent my older sister the summer before and more

Reign so much better when you escape. It's so much better when you escape. Hey, you used to listen in Tom you listen to Tom's Spanish speaking podcast In a spin-off or speaking podcast. ¿Ella es un poco de hilarious? En español, por favor. Sí, está muy bueno. Con máximo. Gracias, con padre. La mejor parte es cuando llamas a tu mamá.

Claro. Pero tienes que ahora la próxima tienes que decir los chistes de Bert en español. Si lo quieres, sí, sí, lo hago. Sí, dale. El de de con el cuento de Rusia el cuento de la máquina puta la máquina puta oye yo te voy a vivir un puta ya me cancés de la puta máquina cuento ya puta 10 años de la máquina, la máquina, la máquina. Sí, pero eso es el que puede ser el diste también. Sí, también.

No, cierto, huevo nazo. Sí. Hey, guys, guys, guys, this podcast doesn't play the indigenous folk. So let's, we're going back to the settlers. Can you guys? Hey, wait, how old were you guys when you met? Uh, 12, yeah, like 13.

So did you know Bert when he slept with the minor? He was talking about his first girlfriend. I didn't sleep with her. Which one? It would have been right after Venezuela. He's like it was different back then. Like it was the fucking 1800s. All right, I'll talk to you later. Congrats. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha You should have dated a half-proven half-white check. You can still do it. You were going down there? A hundred percent.

I'm gonna go. I'm gonna. I'm going this year. Did you Spanish? No. I'm just gonna go down there three days, just hang out party, just hang out with cousins and stuff. This sounds like so of my alley.

Do you wanna do it? This sounds so up my fucking alley. I can't wait to meet your cousins and say, my first thing I'm gonna say is when they're two seven eight years, they're in Volcore in La Mafia Rusa, so it's how I pass. It's data, it's a Dando. I can't even read. By the way, we both brought our dad glasses and we didn't wear them to read the whole time we should have. No, can you believe it? Let's see

We I think we have the same glasses now these are nicer, but I think that let me see your vision. Yeah, let me clean it though Oh shit, I have a meeting okay, hold on Just got to wrap it up Who's got worse vision you or me? I think it's gonna be definitely you really yeah you age quicker or me? I think it's gonna be definitely you really yeah, you age quicker than me. I think it's Let's see oh wait, I think it's me. Oh my god. These are so much stronger. Yeah, it's definitely me You should be wearing those more if that's if that's what helps it shouldn't be off Jesus Christ. Yeah, I have really bad vision. Yeah, and it's worse when I'm hungover. Yeah, man

I'm fit your teeth all right Jesus Christ look All right, we got to run Birds got a meeting. It's always fun to do this with you. We'll be back with more We kind of figure out that next one. We got a figure the next one blue band pretty boy world tour starts January 30th. Most shows are almost sold out. We've added shows in a bunch, but I can't add shows to places like a Thursday night. Some of the venues are too big. It's too late to add a show. So get your tickets now. Go to BerberBerber.com.

I'm on tour. I'm doing a bunch of clubs. I'm doing Vegas residency or a deal at the Mirage all year. Nice, absolutely. Yeah, and I got some shows in Espagnol. So you look at it as a... You can do a South American tour? I don't know, maybe. I want to go to Peru. What do you think about going to Peru?

Sometime in the first six months. Okay. I'm in. I'm fucking definitely in. And you guess what? Someone's doing a tour in Russia. six months. Okay. I'm in, I'm fucking definitely in. And you guess what? Yeah. Someone's been touring Russia. Oh shit. Yeah.

I kind of want you to come with me. That would be fun. That'd be fun. And we'll announce a live, where you can't announce it, but we'll announce a live, two bears one cave that's been booked. So just stay tuned for where that's gonna be.

It'll be fun. topsoorer.com for those shows, Berberbert for his shows. Berberbert.com. And these are not for sale. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, hold on. Actually, the new era guys just texted me. What did they say?

They said, we had a feeling this was gonna happen. We'll figure out a way to sell them, or at least, but at least everyone likes them so far. Wow. So guys, hold tight. Hold on to your hats. They're coming Bert time time and Bert one goes top to smile the other wears a shirt

Tom tells stories and birds the machine. There's not a chance and hell that they'll keep clean Here's what we call There's one No scripts a bit the booze amateur, Fatology, dirty jokes, Rancho Humber, no apologies Here's what we call Two bears one cave

you