2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 18 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: February 3, 2020

The 2 Bears, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer are back in their 1 Cave! First we must discuss, what could be breaking news: Bert had a heart attack last night?! TMZ is trying to confirm! Then, Tom and Bert discuss the Ari Shaffir tweet about Kobe Bryant. Then we get on to the Super Bowl half time show! Jennifer Lopez and Shakira look absolutely incredible! Which one would you rather fill up?? LeeAnn got a text about Caronavirus from Christina that she forwarded to half her phone book and kids. Always check the link before forwarding to other people! Bert celebrates Chinese New Year and we get more impressions from Bert. Tom and Bert then debate the pros and cons of early morning drinking before flights.

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What neighborhoods people live in in that's discriminatory We're all in this together Bert Maybe I was two minutes and 30 seconds maybe moving forward. I'll do all the ads, you know I'm man. Do you remember? Wait, when does this come out blue band? What does this come out? Okay, great great. So we can talk about Super Bowl and your heart attack. Yeah, I'm a heart attack. Oh, let's hope. Let's hope that printed the um, let's see We go to um, did you see the ladies the lady mix up the word nicks and lakers? Yeah

What was that one? Oh, it's not there. It's not there yet. How about just birth Christ your TMZ? What's that all about? My alarms remind myself I didn't have a heart attack. Oh. No. No, not there.

So I'll tell you guys what happened. And hopefully it'll, I want it to come out because I'll tell you why. But I got a call this morning from my agent, my managers and they said, TMZ's gonna report that you had a heart attack. Are you okay? I was like, I'm fine. And they're like, did you have a heart attack?

And I was like, no. And they're like, okay, well, we'll call them and tell them you did. And I said, no. I said, I could use a day full of loving and thoughtful texts from people telling them how much I, they love me. I said, please don't report that I didn't have a heart.

I want, please go. As a matter of fact, call them and say, you can't get a hold of me. I don't know where he is. He's not answering his phone. Neither is his wife. Why don't we hit them up right now? Who TMZ?

Yeah. Oh, just you, no hold on hold on. It's very different between me telling everyone I had a heart attack and and TMZ saying I had a heart attack. Hey guys. Oh, this is not what I'm looking for. By the way, this is the footage where we think it's funny and then you tweet it out and we get in trouble. Uh, yeah, but I've been staying off social media because I want it to come out. I want to see the first person in this person that texts me.

Who do you think the first person that's going to text me is? I already texted you, Joe and Ari. You did? Yeah. How about that? No, that's a horrible idea. That's a horrible fucking idea. Why? Because then that because right now people are watching me green light that and go yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, send it no Okay, no No

That yeah And then Like that wait yeah I'll do this Like that Oh Alright, how about like that? So then there's like quotes around it. Yeah No, don't tweet any of that. Oh speaking of which the fucking funniest thing in the world happened. Okay Do you are you privy of what what went down this weekend?

This is hey, if you guys heard that this is the fun the funniest thing I've ever seen I was a it's funny that happened to Ari. I think that you kind of got in his own way I'd say that you know he's struggling and he's a friend. Oh. Oh. I love it. I haven't talked about that at all on podcast. Have you talked about it? Brie, well the thing was, we were a week behind, so on your mom's house, so we did a podcast

like two days after, the accident. And I was super, super bummed out. So that'll actually come out this week. Yeah, I was bummed out about Kobe's death. I've been having panic attacks since it. Cause you go, and not that you don't, I know everyone dies, but you just don't see something like that coming.

No, I don't know if you ever have this, but I actually thought about how, sometimes I have the thought that like, wow, something tragic hasn't happened in a while to my group of friends, and then it makes me like, it makes me anxious, that like something's gonna happen, and I had that thought like a week before. Really?

Yeah, I mean, I'm sad, I meant like to people I know, and it's like an intrusive thought, and it makes me bummed out but I got super depressed about that about the accident because I mean obviously what it is but then talked about it before that like he and I are almost the same age he's a year older than me and you know a dad and all this stuff and it happened like near where I live and all that together right where we shot the absolutely yeah yeah right there and all of it adding up like just and then the thing for me too is I start to I can't handle the those pieces that they do

like at the arena pregame showing showing people, like, when they break down, then I break down. Oh, god. When you're killing the Obroke town. Yeah. I was sobbing. I was like sitting there sobbing. But I'm, I also think we have kids.

So I think, I'm not, I'm definitely not defending what he said. But I'm saying, I think, I think he is a little far out on left field with a lot of things where I don't think he sees things or processes things the same way me and you may process them. Definitely, and that part of that is the kids, part of that is also his limited intellect. But he does have a, he is good at recognizing his,

his, on my daughter's face when they go like it was like almost like yeah of course that's what he did yeah he also drugged my dad in front of me when we were to party last night someone's like can you even defend what already did? And I went, no. I said, no, I got, I stopped defending him when he slipped me Molly. I guess I'm doing, let me go to bat for this guy. Now, I think that, that there is a thing though where he really truly did not register. He's done these death things a bunch. This, but he did not register what the impact of it for days. Cause I was like, I, whenever any of those things happen

and somebody gets like in trouble with like, and they're getting publicly attacked, I start to immediately worry about the well-being of the person, right? Like I already know what they did was fucked up and wrong. But I'm like, are you all right? And at first, he was like, I'm fine, what are you talking about? I'm like, I mean, have you been online?

And he's like, what? Not real, not real. I'm like, I don't think he's pretty fucking real. But then like a few days later, he's like, it's pretty, people are pretty upset. I'm like, yeah, yeah. Yeah. It, this is what's interesting is he very wisely decided to go offline.

That's absolutely what you should do. However, that is almost as bad as like a out of touch father, not knowing his kids have a drug addiction. Yeah, we're fine. We just had dinner at the club the other night, right? Everyone's there. We all were suits. Yeah, you kind of like. He should have seen a little bit of what was being right

Right like it's healthy to go offline. Yeah, it was like it was like almost like he was like the the mayor in Amityville when jaws showed up. He's like no, it's fourth of July. We're gonna have a party I Didn't want to obviously like I mean, I don't think he should he should see everything that was said about him But that they were saying that this looked like him. So I told him I sent him this that they're that they're saying that looked like him. Did you see the one tweet the one guy wrote about all these dad? Yeah, that guy got suspended. Yeah, I know you got kicked off Twitter. Wow. That's crazy

I mean, you know, here's a thing is that I think why don't you what did he what did the guy say? I don't have it But what was it? I don't have it, but what was it? I don't remember What kind of thing was it I don't know you remember don't sustenance or something No, what was it about? Yeah, you can Where I was like eating cumberslots. Where? I have a recall!

He's the- Arey's dad is a father? And? He's a marathon? He survived. I'm not all a cost. Why are you saying all this stuff about that? I'm not saying any of this.

Anyway, the, the, it's, what's interesting is I think is that, in a weird time like that, like I don't know, this sounds crazy. I've always had this feeling whenever there's like a public tragedy like 9-11 or Hurricane or the passing of like Kobe Bryant, I really, I feel like all of a sudden the world gets smaller and everyone gets closer. It is weird.

And I think what happened was in a moment where everyone, especially in this city, was coming together, everyone saw that was such a sniper action. Yeah. It was such a like a, like a out of left field approach. By the way, I would say, and I'm going to say this out loud, so our ears is he may want to clean up his timeline. This was not the worst of those tweets that I've seen from him. Oh, it's just that the most iconic famous the most iconic famous person,

but his a wreath of Franklin one was pretty aggressive. God damn it. Why do I have alarms going off? Um, the one from the guy that, um, the, um, a fire watcher. Who's a fire starter? Who's about the, that rave guy died? Uh, all. And so I'm a, and by the way, for the record, it's not my sense of humor.

So I never really laughed at them. I was always like, what the fuck? I think it's how most people read them. I think that's what I'm thinking of. Yeah. I'm only can't be one. No, I know. Every time I caught one, I was like, Jesus Christ. And he's like, great, right? And like, I guess. I mean, you saw me kick that kid, right?

I would beat the shit out of that baby. Yeah. No, I mean, the fucked up thing, the fucked up thing about the whole thing is that like I totally understand people's anger towards him. Like, you know, it, it, it absolutely makes sense why they would be so angry about it because they're hurting and they're saying somebody what seemingly celebrate a tragedy. The fucked up thing is that when you know the guy who's doing this, you're like, yeah, you're not you're not really this guy though. Like you're a you're a nicer guy. I'm yeah, you know, but I mean like, you're gonna hug me in front of my kids. But, but I mean like. He could get in front of my kids.

But that was, that was great. But I'm saying that the other, no, I'm saying that like he's not, his public persona of like this. Is different than who he is. You know, we know a more complex player. That's what made it so complicated for me to forgive him because I was like, here's a guy that I've gotten skiing with,

but on snow, like done so many fun things and had so many really thoughtful conversations that it's not, it's, it's, but it's not just that. It's that, here's the other part of it. He's also reluctant to show those sides of him, I think, to publicly. Yeah, I don't know why.

I don't know why he did. He was definitely not showing him any now. I think he's gonna lean into the... I hope not. I hope not. I hope not. Because he actually is, like, I've had, you know, thoughtful conversations with him where like,

what I walk away from being like, that guy is like my thought is What a kind empathetic person, but I feel like he's reluctant to show that for whatever reason. Yeah, I don't know why and I'm not defending that like I think I don't think it was Wise in any way or funny or any of that to write that I thought was the the worst thing funny or any of that to write that. I thought it was the worst thing that could have happened, but I just feel like it's not indicative necessarily of who he is.

I don't think so. I think that anything we say positive sounds like we're trying to defend. I know, but just why I keep going. I'm not trying to say that you shouldn't be upset or that you can write whatever you want and write whatever you want and tweet whatever you want and say whatever you want, but yeah, the whole thing became even sadder to me

because I was so bummed out by the tragedy. I was so bummed out when I made the choice to look at his social media, like GoToCobies social media, GoToVineses and see the fan. You see like this beautiful happy family, which made me more sad. And then to on top of all that, just like a tragedy happening to have somebody you know, be like be the target of, you know what I mean? Like it was like good versus evil.

It felt like it was someone you really know be vilified by the country yeah not just and and and by the way not and not in a way that you could you get to be like oh I know right yeah no you know what I there was a fighter I forget the guy's name there's a fighter named war machine who beat up Christy Mack and yeah center to the hospital right and he beat the fuck out of the guy the fuck out of the guy and beat the fuck out of her. And there was a guy, I can't remember his name, but he went to the hearing and he was a fighter also and went to the hearing to support his friend, war machine, and everyone came after him.

And he went, listen man, I don't support what he did, but I would be, I would lie if I say he wasn't my friend for fucking 15 years. And I don't have a lot of friends. And I don't, don't turn my back on any of my friends at any given time. It was a really interesting, I wish I could, I knew that was, because he's like a legit fighter,

like someone we all know. And I thought that was interesting. I was like man, wait a, he really fucking put his head out there Put his neck out there to For and he didn't need to he could have just not shown up the way everyone else did. Yeah, I'm definitely not gonna do that for Ari But the One thing we know for sure is there will be some epic tweets written when Ari dies Amazing tweets sure is there will be some epic tweets written when Ari dies. There will be some amazing tweets. Oh man.

Ari is- We should start drafting them now. Yeah, no shit, Jesus Christ. No, that's, uh, yeah, that's well, whatever. Yeah, whatever. So you had a heart attack last night, the heart attack last night, bounce back this morning, feel good. Yeah.

So heart attacks on his back, as you think and you ran today and I ran this morning, got in the sauna. I feel amazing, man. I'm into a sauna polar plunge every day. Yeah, I fucking love it. So sauna gets up to what? Mine only gets up to like 150. Joe gets up to 210. Joe's gets up to 210

That's really crazy. I think you boil it 210. I like all right. Well, you don't like steam No, I can't stay with fucks my lungs up Hmm. I've soft lungs. I've settlers lungs settlers lungs. When we were talking about we were talking about superior DNA The Latinos. That's why J. Lo and and here look so great I did look so like do they were flipping JLo around? Yeah. My wife's turning 50. Yeah.

Can you imagine Leigh Ann getting flipped upside down by a dancer? What do you think would happen? Oh, ow, my back, my hip, ow, ow, and then dropper. She has no core strength. JLo got flipped upside down, flipped back around, was on a dude's shoulder. She's fucking 50. Yeah. And so we were saying,

period you fill up in seal shot. First, J.Lo or Shakira? J.Lo. Really, J.Lo. J.Lo. Hmm, J.Lo. I don't think it hard to be. Really?

I might, I would contemplate leaving my wife for J.Lo. I think dirty or things have wife for J.L.O. I think dirty or things have been done to Shakira. Do you realize what Shakira, did you see the way her hips move? Yeah, I paid attention. I mean, she could. I mean, if I can last sexually five minutes

with a white woman, was Shakira a minute and a half? Oh, I think that's actually pretty long. Look at how the Shakira. 43. Dude, JLo was so fucking hot last night. What were we saying right before this? Why do we, oh, so my, this theme sauna. So I was saying Latinos have superior DNA that you guys,

and you said, yeah, all your bad traits come from your dad. For sure. I have settlers DNA. So like, I've got the kind of DNA where I show up. And I'm like, it's human in this jungle. My lungs are starting to fill the wall. Right, real white guy shit. Real white guy shit.

Yeah. My teeth, I can't bite the sticks the way you guys do. How do you get the sugar atom? Yeah. Like you got settler's teeth. You got, you got indigenous teeth. the sticks the way you guys do. How do you get the sugar out of them? Like you got said your Steve you got you got you got indigenous teeth. I have settlers teeth. Right, right. So you just you said you said I have indigenous teeth. You have you do fight. How long do you do in the 150 or whatever?

How long do you sit in the sauna? 30 minutes. 30 minutes? This sounds like just a warm room. It does, it does, it does, it's not that hot. And then you just, from there, but you're cooking. It's infrared, so it goes, so the difference is, a sauna with a heating element heats the air, and then the air heats your skin, and that's how you get hot. Yeah.

This is heaters that heat your body and get your core temperature dropped or higher. So it actually goes into the muscles. It actually, in my opinion, makes my back feel better. I get out and my back doesn't hurt at all. And then you go immediately to the polar plunge immediately. What is that? A bucket of ice? Bucket of ice.

It's got to be, I would argue it's below 32 degrees. And how long do you sit in that for? A minute, as long as I can do it. And then you get out and you go right back in. And I go back to the sauna to get my temperature back down. And then I'll sit in there until I'm up. Or up, and then I'll sit in there as long as I can until I start sweating.

But it doesn't do another plunge. And then I do one more plunge. And then you're done. And then I'm done. I feel so good. It's, I believe you. It's, I think, and this is my theory, okay? Yeah.

I think it takes all, there's no science to this. When you party, your blood gets dirt in it, okay? And now, that dirt can only be cleaned out by your organs. So what this does is it basically takes, it's just like a, like a three big wave set. Like so when you go in the thing and the sauna, all the blood goes to the outside of your skin to help cool your skin down, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you, then you let it sit there and it's just going out and out and out and out and out, reducing

inflammation or maybe creating it, I don't know. And then you get into the polar plunge and all that bud rushes into your organs. So it would take a flush. That's what I believe is happening. Is your flushing and cleaning your blood? Because I will go in, hung over, like going like, man, I'm not feeling good. I come out. It seems like you'll amazing. The way you say it, it's like you're regularly hung over, though.

Yeah. Right now. Yeah. Right now it's been the first beginning of the tour was a pretty good party. Yeah, yeah. Leanne was with me and she was just like Yeah, I was doing yeah Can we can I tell the funniest fucking story? Yeah, sure this is the funny Nadav you have not heard this right

So we're getting ready to take off and they get to text from Christina. Oh, yeah, have you guys talked about it yet? I don't remember now., I don't think so. It's the I'm by the way, I'm doing this is a bit on stage. So if you're hearing this now, you're also going to hear it this weekend in San Jose Sacramento and favorite. It was the fun. It was pure comedy. Leigh Angus attacks from push right before we take off and we you can't you can't get service on the airplanes before you take off. And it says from K Cal nine, there is been a Corona out Corona virus outbreak. Yeah, it's I posted it on my thing. There's been a Corona. You're going to it's got to go for a while. We're

going to have a lot of retweets in there. Go up, go up. Right there. K T L A. New five news officials have confirmed multiple cases of Corona within the West LA and Woodland Hills community. Check to follow updates and there's a link and it says spread the news. And Christina, Tom's wife sends it to a long and Leanne can't open it. She goes, oh my God. And then push says, this is so close to the girl's school. I'm so concerned. And Leanne's like, I know, right? And push her. She's like, you should definitely read the link. And Leanne's like, I will. Oh, so scary. Ugg. Yeah. And then Leanne cuts it before we can leave and just pace it to a text to 20 moms, 20 moms that not

all that she knows very well and sends it to George and I love. To your 15 and 13 year old daughter. We fly. Don't even think about it. Wi-Fi clicks on. Text sends. Don't think about it. Land.

Turns on her phone. Oh my god, something must have happened. I said, why is she goes, I have like 25 texts. When you click the link, it shows what you can only be regarded as like a baseball size of a cock. It is a black man, it is a black man who's probably 250 pounds. Maybe 275. 275 with that dick.

And he's sitting like this, dick, uncircum size. Edge of the bed. But this is a dick you'd have to choke up on if you're gonna suck it. You couldn't. You'd have to double hand it. You'd have to, you might even have to have a friend hold at least a bit.

Yeah, and you'd have to like, you'd have to really, like stretch, you couldn't just go like, I was gonna put it like, you'd have to go like, oh, ha, like that. And then you spit to get, you spit on it first. You know, some people may have to work the left side of the helmet, then the right side of the helmet. Yeah.

It's the biggest, it is the most aggressive cock you'll ever see in your life. Yeah. And the way he's sitting, he's presenting it to you. Yeah. And he's like, he has an expression that says, it's saying, shit to me. Yeah.

I've had to tell me my whole life, but I know what's going through your mind right now. What does this tattoo say? His dick is almost like you walked in the room and he goes, you want someone order a Batman? Man. Man. Can you read that?

Oh, it's his kid's name. Big, wood, little, little whitey. She sends out to everyone and then she goes, wow, this coronavirus thing is really bad. Everyone is replying. I guess everyone, I guess this is going like, I guess everyone knows about this. Oh my God, how scary.

And she starts reading the test. And she goes, that's what, what's your name said? How scary. And then another one goes. Another one says, I hope that doesn't hit my house. And then another one says, are you sure it's a coronavirus? I had this in college. Another one says, getting my it's a coronavirus? I had this in college

Another one says getting my girls in calculated immediately and then Leanne hit the link on the plane and goes oh my god I just sent this to the whole softball team. Oh my god. Oh my god. I said this to our girls calls Georgia Georgia is Howling laughing mom did you know what you sent everyone and she goes on the guy just landed did you open it? She goes oh, yeah, I opened it She goes don't worry. I closed it quickly. It's though. She goes oh my god. Oh my god I am so sorry and Georgia's like it's fine mom It's funny that you didn't read it, you just sent it.

And then she goes, did your sister read it? And she goes, I don't know, she goes, Ila puts Ila on the phone, Ila goes, Lian goes, Ila honey, I sent a text. Did you click the link and Ila goes, yeah, interesting article and just left. Ila, Ila honey, I sent a text. Did you click the link and Ila goes, yeah, interesting article.

I mean, you know when you get so excited about something you can't stop shaking your leg. Oh my god, oh my god, and then I got on stage that night, and I told it, and then I have another joke about them seeing my dick. So, we'll see that. They saw your dick? My asshole, my dick. They saw your asshole and your dick?

It is really uncomfortable. Your girls did? Yeah, yeah. Recently, very recently. How'd they see it? That's part of the bit. That's why you got to come out. San Sacramento and Baker's field followed by Evansville Indianapolis Louisville and three shows at the Shavalliay

boom Is that it? That's it you finished it. What about this? That's for later. Okay Chinese New Year's. Oh, yeah, oh, it was the fucking greatest time I've ever had it How did it what prompted you to have a Chinese New Year celebration? I've. Oh, it was the fucking greatest time I've ever had. So how did it? What prompted you to have a Chinese New Year celebration? I've had I've always I'm a big person. I believe in luck Mm-hmm. I believe in luck more than I believe in talent. I believe in luck more than I believe in hard work I believe in luck more than I believe in hard work. Well actually there is a

definite like a reason to believe that in Well, actually, there is a definite, like, a reason to believe that in entertainment. Yeah, I mean, there is a good a bit. I'm a huge fan of Kevin Hartz. He makes me laugh so fucking much. And, but one of the things, and he works harder than a lot of people. But one of the things that I, one of the things that,

it's hard to sell hard work in comedy. Like, yeah, I agree. Like, when you hear, and I hope, if Kevin never heard this, he wouldn't see this shitty, but like, you can tell people to work as hard as they want. And Kevin works really hard, but there's also a lot of guys that work really hard. They don't have a lot of talent, but they work really hard. That doesn't get them anywhere. And there's also a lot of guys that are really talented and do work hard, but they didn't

get the one thing. They didn't capitalize on that one thing. They didn't capitalize on that one thing. They didn't get lucky that one time. Kevin had a lot of big breaks and then breaks it didn't go anywhere. But it was like the one, it was just lining up of like, and I'll say this, and once again, I hope you've done upset him, but the fact that YouTube showed up when his special showed up and he murdered that special, but someone just went and sprayed it all over YouTube so if you were looking for stand-up you saw Kevin Hart on a per- like beautifully shot amazing

special all over YouTube that kind of helped blow him up I'm not discounting the fact that Kevin every night would put out fucking things on the tables get everyone's email go home write those emails I'm not discounting that I'm not discounting all the hard work you did, writing that material, performing that material, touring. I'm not discounting that. But there's gotta be, I believe in luck, hard core. Okay.

I believe every comic gets, this is crazy. This is, and this, people will get upset by this. I believe every comic gets a one lucky break that if they're talented And they've got a body of work to support it. It can blow them up to the self. What do you think your break was in machine story? The story machine story going viral was my break and then I think and then Netflix was like well fuck Let's do a special and I and I was a con accomplished comedian But if it wasn't for that the fact fact that I posted it on December 27th, and that being serious about this,

and that Christmas was on like a Thursday, and near Zeeve was on a Wednesday, and so people had a really long period of time off, and everyone was getting electronics at that time, Facebook was at its height, and this girl from my class goes on, and puts one of the top comments where I was in Bird's class the story is 100% true. He fucking robbed us if she hadn't been online at the right time, right?

I'd post that story so many times and it never went viral, but then all these things all the planets aligned and it goes viral Bill Burr and I look Bill Burr is amazing. He talented that one Philly rant that one Philly rant Yeah, and all of a sudden everyone's like who the fuck is this guy? And then so you're saying that's like the moment that's the moment the launch and then everyone's like what the fuck Right, and then you go and research building like oh this guy's amazing. You can you call those Jeffries Yeah, punched in the head He gets punched in the head his manager grabs grabs that video, puts it on my space, all of a sudden, everyone's like, who the fuck is this guy? And then you see full hours he's done at Edinburgh where he's destroyed. And you're like, oh my

god, this might be my new favorite comic. You gotta have those one that, well, you're the only one that doesn't have one. So you're the, uh, so you, I don't know yours. You're honestly your lucky break might be you were doing specials at a time when no one was betting on Netflix and you did a special and Bill Burb did one before you and all the sudden everyone's like, I remember everyone saw that special that first mostly stories. No, completely normal. Completely normal. Everyone saw this special. Now that the luck was that comedy central turned me down. Yeah, that

was that was the luck. Yeah, everyone wanted a Comedy Central special. I tried to get it. No one wanted it. And they said, they came out to see the show and they're like, it's a funny show, but we don't know what the theme is. And we need themes. And I was like, how about like funny material?

And they were like, nah, it's not like, they're like, they're like, it doesn't work. We want like, you know, something that you can were like, nah, it's not like, they're like, it doesn't work. We want like, you know, something that you can be like, the theme is like, you know, it's more like one track. Like, you know what I mean? Like single person struggling with this to find their place in the world.

And like, you know, I'm like, yeah, no, it's just, it's just a random collection of bits. Like, that's how I approach it. And they were like, yeah, that's not. So when they turned me down, that was considered like, yeah, no, it's just a random collection of bits. Like, that's how I approach it. And they were like, yeah, that's not. So when they turned me down, that was considered like a real gut punch because we shot it on spec. And then you'd already shot it.

We already shot it. They saw it. They saw it live. And then we were hoping that like seeing it would prompt them to acquire it. And they were like, nah. And then I got like a constellation, they're like, look man, it's funny when you say it now

because of what it is now. By the way, no, you got on this sounds crazy, but no one considered Netflix an option at all. Well, it was considered like a weird online, like it was 2013. So in 2013, I got the call from my manager and he was like, look, I mean, you know, Netflix they said they would acquire it and you know, that's cool man, they're growing, you know, there's like, there's spending subscribers and I was like, whatever.

And then I was like, he's like, you know, how my central past and, you know, I think showtime past, whatever, all the other, they're like, but they're like, that's cool. I mean, it'll be there. And you know, Burr has one there, so they kind of do the thing like, he's great. You want yours where his is, right? And you're like, yeah, no, that is cool. I was like, that is cool.

Yeah. Dude, but that thing blew you up. No, that helped. It changed. And then, but so I'm a firm. So that's the luck though. I just want, I want, sometimes I want, I want Kevin to be,

I say this, but all of this though, is supposed to take us to Chinese New Year. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just want Kevin one time to talk about all his luck. Like one time I don't want to hear about hard work, I want to hear about lucky break. You know what's funny, you say, because I wasn't really thinking about it,

and I kind of, I mean, I know what you're saying, but Rogan one time, we were talking about something, and he goes, I'm, I know what you're saying, but Rogan, one time, we were talking about something and he goes, I'm a very lucky guy, very lucky guy. Really? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Because he's like, I put him down as one of those hard workers. I will tell you, Rogan's luck.

Well, he thinks he listed it. He was like, well, he was like, you know, I got, I was like, came out here and, you know, I, he got on that sitcom. He's like, he was like, that was luck. got, I go, I came out here and, you know, I, he got on that sitcom. He's like, he was like, that was luck. I mean, I'm saying from his mouth. I don't see, I don't see that. I mean, I see that as sitcoms or I guess you can see it as luck, but I always see that. I always book booking a role. Looking a role, I see his talent. Oh, I think there's a, there's a lot of luck. And really? Yeah. Okay. Sure. That was luck. I think he, it wasn't, it wasn't lucky that he got the call, I think, to host Fear Factor.

It was that Fear Factor became this kind of phenomena hit. That was the luck. The luck isn't like getting it. Yeah, I can see that you go, I just did not see that comment. I think one of the things, and I think this is a combination of luck and of of like personal Constitution was and I know and sees us as luck, but that car was been see a thing Him going up and going like for whatever it is in his personality where he goes no No, I'm standing up for the right thing and then the fact that Brian was there and caught it and had that video and posted it, that nailed the fact that Joe was on the right side of comedy forever.

And all of a sudden, that one video. That is still so. It's so like a thing that we know, that when someone brings it up, I'm just like, it doesn't affect me in any way But if I dial into thinking about it. I go that is so crazy that that at the time too That's the other thing that you forget people forget how Big of a name Carlos was a big

He was a comment show was huge Minimum and CEO was fucking humongous. Yeah, and he was doing nothing but theaters all over the country. He was the biggest name in comedy. Yeah, pretty big man. And then, and for Joe to go up against him was like, insane, I will, another thing, another thing of luck was the fact that Joe ran into Redban.

That's just, and the fact that they clicked together. That's luck. And that's luck that a friendship formed and then because, you know, one of the things Joe had was he was always, his mind has always been curious, like, gadget wise, like technology wise. He's always one step curious above everyone else. Yeah. But to have someone like Brian who kind of is also curious and knows how to apply it.

Yeah. Not fucking. But anyway, back to Chinese New Year's. Yeah. Anytime I can find any event that celebrates luck, I am New Year's, on New Year's we cook Black Eyed Peas, Collegreens, Pork, like we could, because they're all luck for the Red Neck Fan tradition. Yeah.

But Collegreens brings money, Black Eyed P's brings fortune, but like luck. I just wanna tell you real quick, I greatly resent the idea that luck has anything to do with success. Keep going. Oh, I am hardcore, the fact that you knew Charlie, that's how we met. Yeah, come on.

I mean, that's just like life though, that's just circum, you know what I mean, that thing's, I mean, you looked just like life, though. That's just circum, you know, I mean, that thing's, but I mean, I, you looked up to me and you were like, ha ha ha ha ha ha. So China, I did, I did. So Chinese New Year's is our friends, Thomas Sandy, are Sandi's Chinese and they do Chinese New Year's.

In Chinese New Year's, you dress all in red. You get fresh ones and you give, and this is how you get, get, give luck to the kids as you get, you give them fresh ones. And how you get, get, give luck to the kids as you get, you give them fresh ones, and then you get luck in return, right? And then you, in two dollar bills, you put them on a tree and all the kid picks. And so I go in, I got a thousand,

I went around looking for fresh ones on New Year's Day. I went to my bank and they were like, I could be a fresh ones, no one has fresh ones on Chinese New Year's, Chinese people clean them out, right? And they're like, yeah, do a fresh one. No one has fresh ones on Chinese New Year's. Chinese people clean them out, right? And they're like, yeah, in Woodland Hills, they go, yeah, we got fresh ones and I go, how many? And they go, how many do you want?

I said, how many you got? She goes, I got thousand, I go, I'll take them. I was like, I want them all, right? So you got $1,000 in fresh ones. This is at your bank? Yeah, I miss it. Okay. And Leanne's fucking livid.

Why? Because she knows that I am not leaving this party with a thousand dollars of fresh ones. So I go in with a thousand dollars of fresh ones, I break it up in like $30 chunks, put them in envelopes for the kids. I get 15 kids, I get every kid like 30, 30, 35 bucks. And then another part of Chinese New Year is gambling.

So we have this game called Spoons. So you ever play Spoons? Everyone gets four cards. You gotta make four of a kind. Everyone gets four cards. 10 kids at the table. If there's 10 kids at the table, there are nine Spoons, okay?

They start passing around one card and it goes and that people pass one card around. You can take it or discard it. And you wanna get four of a kind. And if you, as soon as you get four of a kind, you grab a spoon. As soon as someone grabs a spoon, everyone else grabs a spoon. The one person's out pulls it out. Next round, you remove a spoon until you get it one on

one. Yeah, it is intense. And to make it more intense, I'm putting a hundred dollars in the center of fresh ones. And there's like 15 kids. we go all right first round first round It's gonna be a smooth 50 bucks and the kids are like really into it Then play that video right there then it's I put a hundred and fifty dollars down and this is what happened This is my friend's daughter by the way fan the is the one red right? That's island next to it. Yeah, everyone's wearing red. So look how happy she gets to the bottom. And then, spang, bitch.

Oh my god. And they're like, hey, hey, stop. I love you, man. She beat the, it was fucking hilarious, Tom. She grabbed the spoon and the other girl grabbed it. And then she just took her hand with her cards and just started going like this when when when when when when you play this looks I don't understand the game is the purt is are you supposed to like Is it a race to grab that yeah, yeah, it is watch see that person grabs it and now they got to grab the spoon Oh my god, and then look at her mom.

Look at Sandy's look on Sandy's face. She goes, Oh, she wanted that money. Watch, watch the look at Sandy's face. Whoa. Watch Sandy. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha This is chilegian's ghost like this, what? We go for the spoon, right? Fucking. But here's why I resent that the stupidity of saying that luck is,

because like, for instance, if you take yourself, yeah, there's a luck in like the moment that something was posted and all that, but like that diminishes the importance of the talent that got you there and the work that you put into it. Okay, how many people? How many people? So much, you put so the work that you put into it. How many people... So much. You put so much work, you have natural talent, you put that work in you to your natural talent. And then what happens is losers get to go, well what happened is that he got

lucky. It's like that's not what happened. What happened is that you're a fucking loser, and that's why things didn't work out for you, and then he's a hard-working talented guy, and that's why good things happen to him end of discussion. Is that like the same guy who goes, uh, I figured, you know, hey, fuck, it's Tom could do it, I could do it. Look, that's fine. I mean, would you remember that? We were, we were, we were somewhere, and we were coming back from a trip, and someone's like, figured if Tom could do it, I could do it. You're like, hey man, I also have become an extremely successful community. There's a lot of shit I've done that you can't do

motherfucker. Who said that? I think it was when we were in San Francisco, we were reading texts back to each other. Yeah. Some guys like, you know man, I saw you lose some weight, I figured, fuck Tom, could do it, I could do it. And you're like, I've done a lot of shit

you could never fucking do. That's in my last hour. Oh, real? My last hour. Because a lot of people were can never fucking do. That's in my last hour. Oh, real? My last hour. Because a lot of people were saying that to me, they're like, you lost all this weight, man. I was like, if you can do what I can do, and I was like, look what I'm doing right now.

You can't do this. But, no, I mean, look, I think, you know, that's obviously like a smart ass joke. But how many people have succeeded where you go, they're actually not talented at all. Yeah, of course. And that's just luck. Okay, so that's there.

So luck has so much to do with it. I would love to hear every comic talk about their, times what was just luck. Yeah, but I'm saying you saying that yours is luck. Oh, I'm an amazingly talented, hardworking comedian. But I think that- But the more you speak, the more I want it, say it's luck. Do you think it's luck sometimes when you just, when like, like a joke will just slide into your head?

Of course. But you don't even know where it came from and you drop a fucking, when we were watching, when we were watching the Super Bowl last night, I don't know if that's, I know what you're about to say, I think, but like, do you call it luck every time you say something really funny? Yeah, well, like, I don't know where this came from. We were watching the Super Bowl last night. JLo came in and she had one leg to the side and one leg open showing her vagina, right?

And I'm in a room of like 25 people, children in there. And I go, ladies and gentlemen, Vajelo. And the room falls out laughing and I go, I don't know where that came from. Like, it just, it might make my, I thought of it so fast. Yeah. And I go, I don't know where that came from. Like it just, it might make my, I thought of it so fast. Yeah. And I go, I can't say that that's a,

you thought of the same joke of fifth grader thought of and you're like, I'm very, very, very, very, right? I looked on Twitter, I was the first person to write that joke. I'm like, I'm like, J-Lo. Vajalo. Cause there's a vagina he's showing.

And then, but it's like, it's like, I love that that's your, that's it. I didn't mean that to me. I'm like, top tier, no, no. No, but it's like, it's like, I love that that's your example. I didn't mean that to me. I'm like, top tiered, no, no. No, but like, the idea that sometimes you're so quick as a comic that things all. But that's who you are. You're a funny person and you think of funny things.

So, I mean, every time one happens, yeah, I think the thing happens that you feel like, do you get a rush when that happens, right? It's like this great, that's why you keep doing it. But I mean, is it luck? I don't know I guess but it's also just I was in discovered me in 1997 wrote an article about me calling the number one party. I would say that is luck Yeah, but it's also luck that they didn't go to write the article about you They went to write the article about the school

Yeah, and they're like this is Florida states the party school and that they happen to like see you and they're like this guy seems are worded let's uh is that the book litically correct way to say yeah you know what people are saying now that we could start using uh retocked what's that like like like like when someone's on TikTok, you know? Like re-talked. So it's a substitute. Oh, so when they're not good, they're re-talked?

You just say re-talked. Re-talked. Yeah, it's like a...it's a PC-friendly word. We went around the room to the kids. Or you can just say someone's tick tock. We went around the room to the kids last night and asked them what parents they thought had said the N word. And if they had ever said the N word.

You asked the kids. We said, we said, do you think Kathy's ever said the N word? They're like, no, no way. What I do think Leanne is, no, no, no, no. They're like, wait, do you think, do you think like yeah They're like wait that do you think? Do you think see they're like she grew up in George She didn't wear shoes until third grade. Yeah, and then I said we said to the girls

I said they're like how about Bert and you're like today? Iless said he's sang it in the car Right driving over here She I said to I was like a real white knuckle moment. I said Have you ever said that in word and she went no, I said you're sure She goes I swear I haven't some kids in my school We're trying to get me to say it and I wouldn't say it and I was like oh I put those beeners in their place and I go

She said I was gonna wait until one walked by. And then George just said she'd never said it. And I was like, and I believe that. And I was like, oh, they got clean records. Then one of my friends, I won't say his name. One of my friends goes, I have a clean record. I've never said it. And I went bull shit.

He said it in front of three black guys at a bar one night. He got it. And he's by the way, he had no recollection of saying it. As soon as I brought it up, he went, oh, you bar one night. He got it, he goes. And by the way, he had no recollection of saying it. As soon as I brought it up, he went, oh, you're right, I did say it then, I did say it then. I go, and you're saying you had a clean record. And then the next night, defending himself,

he said it four more times. Why say it at the bar with the guys? He was reading something and it had with an A at the end and he just said it to them. But he had already said to these three guys, I've never said the N word. I've never said it. I have a clean record.

And- Was that time? Omar Dorsey goes, Omar Dorsey goes, bullshit. And I go, you think he's ever said it and he goes, 100% he said it.

I go, hold on. He was at the party? No, he was at the bar with me. It was me Omar Dorsey and Tone Bell and someone else. And they were both like they were both like no man look no white guy can say he's got a clean record no white guy's got a clean record I had to have Omar come over and read a section of my book because I wrote the N word in my book Yeah, and I was like I can't put it on record. I go Omar. Can you come and just say this word for me? We could send you files if you need though So so so so so uh so this guy I'm with at the bar says no I have a clean record I swear to God I swear to God and then within a matter of seconds read something and the end words in it and says it to them and Omar goes, you just said it and he was like, oh no, no, no, no, I read it and he went,

no, no, no, you said it. Oh, it was fucking hilarious. That's what happened to that Netflix executive who got fired. Something, man, there's a big... He was epidemic of executives saying the word. Well, this guy, he was talking about me and... Are you serious? Yeah, yeah, because he was talking about me and uh are you serious? Yeah, yeah, cuz he was talking about my my controversy

Oh, yeah in disgraceful about our word and So he was talking about that and in a in a meeting made the analogy. He was like, that affects people, you know, families hear that. And then he goes, it's like hearing the, but he just said it in a meeting, in a corporate meeting. But he's making the comparison. Yeah.

And when the meeting was over, people wanted to fire him. Well, when they And when the meeting was over, they must have wanted to fire him. Well, when they, when they, when the meeting was over, they went to HR and they, they complained that he said it, even in the context of how he said it. So when they brought him in to talk about it, he said it again, but like making reference to it, he's like, the reason I said, and that he, he did it again, and they were like, he's fucking saying it again to us. And they fired him.

It was pretty, you think there's an executive. I heard, I was with two, I won't say that in their names, because then I think, I don't say N words. No, no, no, no, I won't say their names. And then you'll be able to figure out what show it is, what the executive is, I'm sure., positive two black celebrities and they were like man white white

execs Well get way too comfortable around you and they'll just drop it and you'll they'll be like yo man Do you see that did Kavit Eddie Murphy thing? Dude, I saw that on Instagram when you're like, what? And like, it's old. So it's a totally different time. You know, it's in the 80s. But Dick Cavett asked him, he's like saying it all like, yeah.

Like that. And Eddie Murphy's like, why are you saying it like this right now? And you can tell, you can totally read Eddie Murphy's body language. And he's so skilled that he that he's able to like make jokes and make fun of Dick Kavitt. But it's like that. Like he got, he's like, you know, I'm cool. Like Dick Kavitt's like, you know, we're buddies and you can see Eddie Murphy just being

like, what are you doing right now? But he just leans into it hard. Like really leans into it. I was telling someone, I was telling someone about the M word and I said my friend says it a lot. It's almost like it's in your head all the time. No, and I said no I was telling someone and I said my friend says it a lot and they thought I was talking about you and I was talking about Donnell. Oh, I go to he uses it non-fucking stop like to the point you're like do you know any other words and they're like He uses it non-fucking stop. Like to the point where like, do you know any other words?

And they're like, and I was like, yeah. And they're like, is this Tom? And I went, no, I was Donnell Rollins. And then I go, oh, you thought I was talking about a white person. I was like, I don't know any white people that use it aggressively. I just, just black dudes. I've done, I-

Donnell's counter has got to be in the millions. Like if you had a gun running, yeah. Did you see that video exhibition, pal? Which one? The one he did where he's, they're talking about Wu Tang Clan. I know it's fucking hilarious. Wait, like, are they doing radio? I don't even know what they're doing. They're promoting a Wu Tang Clan show in New York

and, uh, and Donnell's like, Yo, uh, come on son, come on son! Right, right behind his palace, playlist just lists off all the wood. Who's this fucking Sar-Sarface? Sarface? Dude, that is a, I love that song, and I can't get past the fact that he says your name in it. Yeah, I know. I love that song.

Who is that, that's Inspector Deck? Uh, yeah, Esoteric, and Seven Nells, the producer, yeah. And Esoteric's from from with all those guys that Rogan had on the podcast, right? The Rogan had on the podcast. Yeah, I didn't know that no, yeah back in the day They put out he's put out a ton of stuff What was the name of that fucking pant anyway that that's dude that that song is so good the whole album is the whole album The whole album dude. How about M&M's album?

Have you listened to M&M's Song you did with Ed Sheeran? No Dude it is fucking amazing. All right, let's do this midroll. You ready? Yeah Let's find out where this heart attack is hey What's up? Great great. We're gonna find out where this heart attack is bouncing. Hey, where's our heart attack?

I told them no comment. And this reporter kept insisting, listen, if you don't work with us, you know that either outlets won't be as respectful and won't want to work with you don't work with us. You know that either outlets Won't be as respectful and won't want to work with you on how this is released By the way, you're on my two bears one cave podcast right now. Oh, I needed I needed to know that beforehand But okay, okay, sorry, sorry, but we haven't released it. We can edit you out Should we edit should we edit it out? I mean it's up to you. I'm fine with it. We can edit you out. Should we edit it? Should we edit it out? I mean, it's up to you. I'm fine with it. I'm fine with it too. So wait, what do you mean? We'd be respectful with this fat fuck out of heart attack or

No, well, he's like if They want to get the story if it's true. So he's trying to thread me that with an if another You know website or other news outlet gets work of it. They're not going to work with us to present it in the best way possible. Okay. Well, considering I didn't have a heart attack. I don't think we have anything to be concerned. Hey, Reg.

Hey, it's Tom. Is there any you think it I should do like a tweet like, Hey, I saw Bert. He's recovering and sent him your best like that kind of thing to get it going. No comment. You got to do whatever you guys want to do. I was just thrilled that Bert was kicked up the phone and was in a sauna when I called him after I spoke to the reporter. Yeah.

Yeah, I don't want to, I just want the texts of everyone saying they love me and they hope I get better. That's all Be alive Last night was an intense night at home recovering. Thank you everyone for your relishing Triple bypass is no joke What if I what if I type what if I type hey? I post that super bowl game was ow my arms going numb By the way, I better not have a fuck. I you know today. I was like in the sauna I was doing polar plunge. I was like what if I have a heart attack right now. How could not have a fuck. I, you know, today I was like, in the sauna, I was doing polar plunge.

I was like, what if I have a heart attack right now? How could you have a heart attack? Ha ha ha ha ha. All right, I'll call you later, okay? All right, bye. You know, I know we have all these jokes in this, like, I don't know, 46. By the way, when I do have a heart attack,

TMZ's gonna light me up. And I'm gonna be like, fucking fat, fuck comedian, Bert I do have a heart attack, TMZ's gonna light me up. I'm gonna be like, fucking fat, fuck comedian, Bert Kreischer at a heart attack. Maybe you shouldn't have fucked with karma as whole. We just wanted confirmation. Why would they, I don't understand. It's such a weird job that you get excited

if someone had a heart attack. I was just, I'd be surprised, I'm surprised that they get confirmation on half the things they run. You know what I mean? Like they just, they run shit constantly. By the way, I don't mind TMZ. Like I like TMZ, I get a lot of my news from TMZ.

Really? Yeah, like they break everything, dude. I get a lot of my news, that's a quote of the year. They drop it, they drop everything immediately. Right. They do not stutter step at all. Today I thought actually, what's the name? Harvey Levin?

Is that his name? I don't remember. Harvey Levin? I think everyone's trying to boycott them over the Kobe tweet, because they broke Kobe before, before anyone. Yeah. You can see, I bet that got Harvey Levin's like,

I don't give a fuck, it's news. I'm sure he doesn't give a fuck. I'm certain he doesn't give a fuck. I'm certain he doesn't give a fuck. But they, I mean, yeah, they, I think, people, I wanna stay just out of the fame level where TMZ catches me falling out of a bar drunk. I think they're gonna have their eyes on you now. Oh God, I hope not.

Bert, Bert, Bert, I'm getting off an airplane. What are your thoughts on reparations? Oh, come on guys, you know that that's a joke between me and Tom. And they're like, no, yeah, of course it is. Why do you deny Japanese internment camps during World War II? And you're like, well, I don't even know what that is. We're talking about, I love fucking Japanese people.

And it comes out headline, Bert loves fucking Japanese people. God, I'm a fucking, maybe we should just, Fucking Japanese people and it comes out headline Bert loves fucking Japanese people God I'm fucking I maybe we should just maybe I should just learn how to speak Spanish and do a tour in South America trying to I love that people are like online got tickets for Tom show didn't know it was in fucking Spanish I got I did a small one here like a week ago in Spanish and Burbank and in the fucking first minute I get on stage. So I talk and in Spanish like were you from the guys like a long beach? I was like, do you speak Spanish? And he's like, no.

And I try to do a lay that looks like my mother. And I'm like, I asked her and she's like, I also got the information wrong. I'm like, all right. I go, why are we doing this? I'm like, why are we doing this? I go, do you want to leave? She goes, no, I'm here. You're telling me a woman, Sandra right comedy. No, she's like 65. I'm not understanding anything. I also got the information wrong. Yeah. Oh, she was like, and then like it became the joke. Oh my god.

Did you do jokes in Spanish in an English? Yeah, I would do jokes in Spanish, and then I would turn her and I give her a summary. I mean, it was about being fat. And then it's like turn away. She's like I know Gordo. Yeah, she's like I know a couple things and we were like no you don't What do you take a price is for Columbus? For Columbus you don't Columbus funny bone. No Everyone's everyone's got tickets Dayton. Oh, is it Dayton? Yeah. Oh, you're doing the funny motor, Dayton? Yeah.

Oh, wow. Yeah. I just was in Dayton. I said this on stage. The last time I had done Dayton was four years ago. It was right before the, the, Did you up it with this? Yeah, yeah, I opened it with it.

Right before I did my showtime special and then the machine story went by right after that. I sold absolutely no tickets right no tickets They misread my contract and instead of doing a door deal gave me a guarantee So then they just paper the fucking room. I sold no tickets and even in papering it. I had light shows Thursday late show Friday late show Saturday late and Sunday I get in the cat cab the next morning six in the morning hungovers fuck guy goes What do you do? I said comedian. He goes, huh, you have the comedy club this weekend

I said yeah, and he goes, how are your numbers? I said not not good. He goes, yeah, it's fucking Dayton And I went what's that supposed to mean? He goes, Dayton's a dead town. You know our population hasn't grown in a hundred years As I didn't know that and he goes, yep, people come here, they live here, they die here. That's it. You're never gonna do goodness, city. Never come back. I was like, wow, where were you fucking on the ride to the club? And so then I went and we sold like 2,500 tickets and date and I literally told that story. They applaud it and I go, fuck you guys, you wouldn't come to my shows back at the clubs I go you guys just showed up now. I'm happy to have you But yeah, Dayton I've been going to Dayton for so long went to the bar shrew shots. Yeah, my favorite bar in Dayton

Mm-hmm. I love Dayton. I fucking love I love Ohio man I'm how my favorite state in the Union. I think I heard you say that I talk about Ohio so much I thought you were completely insane I mean if I could live anywhere be Hawaii obviously Hawaii is the greatest place in the world. Yeah, but I love Ohio It's got everything. It's like open-minded enough, but still got Midwest values. Yeah rolling hills out packers Dave Chappelle That's fucking great as the state. Yeah. Yeah. That's your favorite state. I really think so I mean obviously you get like please like Montana where you're like Oh, I can definitely live there, but but here's the thing. Here's the slam on Montana

It's there's not a lot of people. It's a super spread out. You I mean you gotta go to a big city to have anything Interesting and the smaller towns there are like kind of like small towns in Georgia Ohio you're within an hour from everything big. Ohio is just so and it's got so many big cities. You got Cleveland Cincinnati Toledo Dayton Columbus and Columbus is like The Key West of the Midwest. It's like super liberal. It's amazing. I think it's a great state Wow big endorsement and for my own state. All right. I think I think you like Ohio more than I do. I love it I've been going to Ohio dude the first time All right. I think you like Ohio more than I do. I love it.

I've been going to Ohio, dude. The first time I ever went, I think was, was the date and funny, but, and it was the first time I ever went. It was like 15 years ago. That's the, we told that I think on the first episode of this podcast. What's that?

Well, we talked about the guy that died. Remember the hypnotist? Oh, yeah. And I played the date and funny bone, the week after him. Yeah. And the guy Doc was driving me to the condo. Yeah.

And he goes, I go, how's the condo? He's like, well well better now to be cleaned What's his name's pubes out of the thing? I know I was like what and he goes he trimmed his pubes in the sink and I go Why are you telling me this like you cleaned it up right? He's like yeah, I go so I didn't need to know Like now. I'm gonna think about it when I'm brushing my teeth And he's like he's like, oh yeah, he fucked it up pretty bad He's like it's pretty gross in that room's pretty gross. You're gonna be sleeping in for the next one I was like, he's like, he's pretty gross, and that room's pretty gross, so you're gonna be sleeping in for the next four nights. I was like, oh, fuck, man.

Doc said to me when I came in one time, I was doing birth conquer, and he goes, ah, I don't like to flex this muscle at all, but kids were a big fan of birth conquer. I was like, yeah, he just thought maybe we could, go out to King's Island, ride some roller coasters this weekend. I was like, look, that one of me goes,

ah, you definitely come back next year if you do it. No, what? All right, I'm in. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no I fucking loved doc. Oh my god. He didn't die. He's still alive. He's still alive. He writes motorcycles. He does? Yeah, yeah, I'm staying touch. I haven't stayed in touch. He got he he kind of like he was the reason they open that new club in Liberty Township Yeah, and he opened it and I guess I guess there was a discrepancy on They did a soft opening and they didn't bring in the comic they wanted and and I guess They did a soft opening and they didn't bring in the comic they wanted.

And I guess, Mitch and all of them were there and they had a big fallen out over a soft opening, I think. By the way, I definitely should probably shouldn't be sharing this. Probably not. Definitely probably shouldn't be sharing this. And then he just, I guess they parted ways. Yeah. I think it's crazy, man.

You have so much time in these people that you work with and then all the sudden one day They just decide to quit doing what they did. I know like I still do this Well, I couldn't believe it when Dan was gone, you know damn Mur know godfrey. Oh god like yeah for me That's that is always in my brain will be a Comedy Club manager, right? And then he oversaw the rest of the clubs and then he just he's moved on to something else. And I can't get it out of my head that he's not there at the improvs. I don't think there's one person that is still working at a comedy club that I when I

started. Yeah. There's not one person that's just seen it through. Allison at the DC improv. She's one of those strongholds. Yeah, that's the last time I was in DC We were driving to radio and she goes just you know, I understand this is the last time you'd be playing our club and I thought I was getting fired Oh, and I was like oh, okay She was like you're probably gonna do theaters and I was like no, I'm definitely not doing theaters, Allison She goes I know what's going on in your career I just want you to know like we love you We always want you to come back, you know

We'll always have a hard place or a hard for you. And I was like, I'm like, there's no way I'm doing theaters. Now I'm like, how many is this suit? That I add a second show in the Dark Constitution all? I think I might have been seen. Yeah. Where are we going to tour?

I should talk to you about it because I'm doing a couple dates with somebody else. One of my better friends, but then you're such a cunt. We should do it too. You know whose fault that is? Your agents. Probably. Yeah, because they represent him too. So we should, who are you doing in dates?

I can't announce it I really can't okay but I'll tell you I'll tell you off okay fine I'll tell you off and then who do your agents represent Jim Jeffries are you guys doing a date together I don't know yeah we have dying to know who you're doing right right down right it down so they can see it on my face. Okay, all right I just say what it rhymes with no I can't There's only one rhyme I thought so you did yeah wait Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's not how you spell his name, but yeah.

You know, I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice, how big, how big are venues? They're pretty big. Really? Yeah. Yeah. It sucks out our agents.

I guess it doesn't suck. That's what they do. That's what they do. They're, they're fucking realtors, man. They're just trying to move the units. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, why don't we do it? We could totally get them to, we're going to be doing,

we are doing a thing that we're doing. We're doing a thing together, I forgot about that. We have, we're not allowed to announce it. We're going to announce it soon. I think it's in them like two months. I know, but they have to give us the green light, man. You don't want to announce it before, I don't want to announce it before anyone.

No, so let's announce it when they tell us. Okay. And then why don't we use that like how that goes? I kind of want to go to your show with that guy. That'll be fun. Where you guys? Where is it? It's far Oh for real. Yeah. Yeah. But why don't we why don't we use is he gonna be like he's gonna do the whole thing like You bother me I'm so glad you're so good at these. Let's with these people. Boulders.

Okay, do an impression. Do a 47 years old and I'm just giggling. Do a fucking child. Okay, do an impression do a 37 years old and I'm just giggling do a child do an impression of Jassel make Then he didn't hear it from me It's not bad Rogen Hold on I'm gonna go. I got a good one. I got a good one.

Rather... Rather... He always says rather... Rather a lot. It's not so much the impression it's's the words I pick up on the words Yeah, I picked the word out. Are you? I don't know why people got upset I Mean

Reason Frank again, everyone diabetes Don now I I think we're done with this game. Oh, we were both doing trying to get like a little weight loss for this new year. I'm doing really good right now. Are you? Yeah. I'm in the 230 lowers. Across over. To below 230?

Yeah. For real? A few days in a row. Really? In the 220s? Yeah, but, I mean, high 220s, but I have been eating nothing, but protein and fat.

Really? Yeah. Like, I can't be good for your heart. My wife thinks so. She's like, well, I'm gonna get the money in one way or the other. She's either here or not here. She's like, eat a fucking vegetable. Oh, no.

Carbs, incidental carbs can't do it. Incidental carbs? Should I call them? Ha-ha-ha-ha. Leanne's on a diet hardcore right now, like a hardcore diet. She's lost six pounds. She looks great because she didn't have a ton of weight to lose. Yeah, but she is Obnoxiously annoying to be around what is she eating? She's eating nothing but greens and protein Green like green faces that diet. Yeah, it's just greens and protein greens and protein can't have a drink

So we use it the airport the other day It's like six in the morning. By the way, you and fucking push with your obnoxious person had three drinks in the morning. What kind of fucking lunatic is this? You know what? I actually feel the exact fucking opposite. I feel like you guys are out of touch with what reality is and that you might die that day and you're not celebrating life to its fullest. Morning drinkers are the best. Discussed. Are the best. They're discussing.

Are the best. The best. We are like a religion that doesn't know we're a religion, and we see to each other, and we take care of each other. I realize that I am discriminating against people, and it's morning drinkers, because I immediately, I start to go like a white guy

in the 50s and mobile, just start to go like, ugh, what are you doing sitting next to me? Like I just have to stain for them. Like I really do, someone starts drinking and that makes me want to do it harder. Really? That makes me want to do it harder. Just fight for your people.

You ready for what I did yesterday? Yeah. Yesterday we got, we did the show in Dayton. Fantastic show in Dayton. Thank you to the Defer interpreter who came up on stage with me. Fucking hilarious. It's always funny.

She was so funny. She was so good. I'm in this article in culture where they talk about how they don't just tell you what they're saying. They show you what you're saying. Yeah. And this woman murdered. I mean, yeah, because they'll go like, oh, no.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have to say fuck up in the ass. And then I do it as brilliant. So she, so we get it done the show. We party at Sure Shots. I come back to the bus. We pack up everything. Take it like a two hour nap bus drives us over to the airport.

We're the airport at like five o'clock. Go in, go to the bar and everyone's like feeling like shit. Everyone's hungover and I go, why don't everyone just get a drink? And they're like, well, it's five in the morning. I go, you were having a drink at three in the morning. Like, what's the dip? What, I don't see the difference between five in the morning

and three in the morning. It's been two hours. You took a little bit of a nap. You took a little break. You know, that was a pre-party, this is the post party. in the morning. It's been two hours. You took a little bit of a nap. You took a little break. You know, you know, you have a pre-party. It's the post party. And they were like, I don't know. And I go, oh, you mean like normal regular people?

Yeah, they're like rather just be hung over on a plane, then have a cocktail and sleep the whole flight. So yesterday morning, I had the retidos and sodas at what time? At Max and Irma's.os with time early in the morning five six six a.m. four six thirty five got on my plane slept the entire flight the and did passed out on the plane woke up plane woke up on the plane do in my beard

on the flame. Duel in my beard. Duel, soaking wet beard. And Leanne's angry. I haven't slept at all. I haven't slept at all. I said, yeah, because you're a nerd. Because you're not drinking. Yeah, you didn't.

Pre-party with your boy before the flight and then get a cocktail before take off and then sleep like a dream. And then you land and drink? I wouldn't say drink. I had a drink. Is that what you're asking? When you land. I landed, I had a nice. Is that what you're asking? When you land.

I landed, I had a nice tall beer to celebrate my drink. At the airport. At the airport? At the airport. So you went to a bar upon landing at the airport. You're like, I don't have a problem. It's a celebration drink.

It's a super ball Sunday. So wait, wait, wait, I said at the bar I get to know some people. Wait, but you landed. You don't want to just go home? No, no, no, no, I did it. I'm alive. I got to celebrate my life How do you get the wife that you're like hey? We're gonna make a piss out of your baggage claim Why I gotta go the bathroom why you go the bathroom down there? Oh, it's I gotta take a shit

Are you sure yeah, and then you go to the bar and then I go to the bar So you had to deceive her to do the thing that you wanted she there was no to see if you she knew what I was doing okay She knew exactly what I was doing. She's like all all right, see it. But you go to the bar, sit next to one of your fellow Christians. Hey man, how you doing? Oh, pretty good. Where you headed to, I go just landed. And I was like, that's my man. Fucking fear. Talk about you guys. Let me guess. Wait, the guys that are there, would you generally like describe them? Top shelf Top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top There's some, you know, you can find some down in the mouth. Kind of guys. But it takes a while to find them. You gotta look through them. Yeah.

The bartenders are always pretty fucking. My favorite was when we went to a, we flew together once, like a year ago or two years ago, and we walk into, we went into multiple airport bars at, you know, on the same day. And every time they're like, BIRK! I was like, that's weird.

That is really weird. Did I know the bartenders at the bars? Oh yeah. Same bartenders have been at the LAX bars in American forever. I wouldn't know that. Oh. That I did see our boy when we flew to Hawaii, the dude, the nicest guy that greets you in the gray coat.

Fucking god damn it. Yeah, I'm great you in the great coat Fucking god damn it. Yeah, I know you're talking about you know about yeah, yeah, yeah, he's so nice and I was like He's he told he said you know tell Tom fever comes through he can come through this entrance if I'm here Oh, he's the man. So he he greeted us and and helped us check in and then yeah, he's the nicest guy Yeah, I've sent flowers to bartenders from LA access generals really. Yeah, yeah Carl shout out to Carl All right Carl's a great guy. I'm no Carl. I knew Carl from I with the first day. We had George I went to the bar at the Admiral's Club got a beer Carl said Carl said So what are we celebrating this morning? And I was like, oh, that kind of worked out nice like I had a daughter He used to get used to make me a Caucasian.

He goes, Christ, you're Caucasian? And it's hell take one. And Caucasian was a traveler, white Russian, in a coffee cup with a top on it. He'd make it for you. And you could take it on the plane with you. You could bring it out and walk down the, how it takes you on the plane with you.

I miss Carl. Well, shout out to Carl. Let me just, real quick, before we leave, I'm doing a bunch. I have a bunch of dates at the Mirage this year in Las Vegas. They are in March 6 and 7th. Also doing them May 29 and 30th. Also doing them July 17 and 18 and October 23 and 24th. Those are all the Terry Fator theater at the Mirage. I do have Valley Center, Harris Resort, April 18th. And then I added shows, let's see.

I have a bunch of Spanish shows. So if you wanna come see an all Spanish show, this week is sold out in Ontario, but next week, Oxnard and the week after Tempe and then I'm doing some more in Dallas, Houston, Austin, San Antonio, those are all in Spanish. Just hitting some club dates and I have a bunch of dates coming. They're all at Thompsigura.com slash tour. Birdie Bory, World Tour is going on. San Jose this weekend Sacramento Sacramento Bakersfield.

Next weekend, Indianapolis, Evansville, Louisville, followed by Medford, Massachusetts. We have added three shows, I think. Mash Dan Tucket, that's the Borgata, correct? Mash Dan Tucket, not the Borgata. Mash Dan Tucket? Yeah, that's not the Borgata. It is?

Yeah. I thought the Borg a chance to get it. Yeah, that's not the Borgada. Yeah. It is? Yeah. I thought the Borgada was in Atlantic City. I don't know where I'll be playing in the Mastan Tucket. I probably won't know. I'm almost certain it is. I thought it was a different name. I'll tell you right now.

Let's see what's that date. March. Um. Where's Oothebeacon? I'm at the beacon. That's New York City. I'm at Foxwoodss Foxwoods. I'm sorry. Foxwoods. I did miss Legion brain sucks Foxwoods. I'm at Foxwoods and then Portland Maine Wilkesbury Schenectady and we've added a show at in New York City. What's the name of the beacon at the beacon we've

added a show at the beacon we've added a show in DC. Norland's Montgomery Huntsville Springfield, Puria, Su City, Cedar Rapids and it goes on. We've added a show at the Beacon, we've added a show in DC, Noreland's Montgomery Huntsville, Springfield, Puria, Su City, Cedar Rapids, and it goes on, we've added a third show in Orlando, we've added a show in Tampa, we've added a show, we've added a bunch of shows, so go to burperper.com, brand new hour of material,

and it opens with the Tommy Buns joke, and it's fucking, I had so much fun doing new material. This is my favorite part of stand-up is the new material shit It's the most fun. It's it makes you love it again like you go like dude I could do this forever. Yeah, and now everything's off my plate. No special no TV show just touring yeah, dude I'm just gonna be like greatest here my life. I'm gonna I can't wait. I'm gonna get skinny. I'm gonna get a hair plant transplants Where are we gonna go? I'll tell you I talked to someone who got some good ones. I really good ones Really good ones so much so that I don't think people know that he has tear transplants

Yeah It's well known. Oh it is yes. Yeah, okay, but he gave you the guy. Yeah, and his his hair looks fucking awesome All right, are you gonna go do it? I was thinking Did you should do it? I was thinking about that and getting another wife. I was like I could really But if you get that hair done, you got to just not say it when it's just kind of walk out Full head of hair. Oh, I'd have it go real low too. Yeah, like you know those Mexican kids just hair starts down here like the wolves Like you know those Mexican kids just hair starts down here like Do you know those you know those like you know kids are gonna shape their hair blind back to look normal? Uh-huh, that's what I want. Uh-huh

You're the opposite of those like Tina's how much how much is this is that transplant? 50 grand 50 grand. That's what I'm 50 25 grand So yeah, I think he's he's gone back a couple times. Oh he has? Yeah, I think that's what, and I talked to another guy who's done it, and they've gone back a couple times, and they just fill you in. Yeah, I know. Do you want me to give you my hair?

That'd be cool. Well, actually our hair loss is in different areas. Yeah. So why don't I... Why don't we rock every season? In one person, it's a full head of hair, and one person goes bald. Wait, take your thing back a little second

All right, I love you. I love you too. See you guys One goes top the swath the other wears a shirt Tom tells stories in birds the machine There's not a chance and hell that they'll keep clean. Here's what we call, screw bears one cave. No scripts of betta booze amateur, patology. Dirty jokes, ronti humor, no apologies. Here's what we call, screw bears one cave. Bye!